rSlash - r/TIFU Telling the FBI to Investigate Deez Nuts

Episode Date: May 23, 2023

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Today I F'd up by telling someone from the FBI to investigate these nuts, I work for the USPS as a general clerk. My job involves mostly receiving and paying invoices for contracted vehicle repair work. I got a call that went as follows. Vehicle maintenance, this is OP speaking. Hello, this is Alex from the FBI. I was wondering. How about you investigate these nuts?

Then I hung up. It was such an obvious scam that I didn't wanna deal with it. USPS has its own investigative law enforcement service, so even if there was something, I wouldn't be dealing with the FBI. A few minutes later, my boss walks into my office and asks me, why did I tell the guy investigating contractor Valkfraud to investigate my balls?

My coworker had been the point of contact for Alex, the FBI guy. My coworker is on vacation, so all of his calls came to me. The FBI is working with the Postal Inspection Service because this particular contractor had done work for multiple government agencies. To make things worse, Alex is coming to the office to take a look at some paperwork. The only empty desk in this office is the Sparer 1 in my office, and he's going to be here for multiple days. Well, that's great OP.

It'll give a pretty linear an opportunity to investigate your nuts! Today I have to, by accidentally calling my employee, a not-safe for work name for three years. So let me set this stage. I'm an Australian who managed to score a sweet gig working at a resort on a tropical island in Thailand. I have 50 awesome staff members working under me, and wanting to make a great impression, I took the time to learn everyone's names, both their formal names and their nicknames. Now here's where the colossal screw up comes in. One of my staff members had the nickname Moaj, which I was told meant China girl.

Eager to be friendly and relatable, I called her by her nickname for three whole years. Little did I know, I was actually calling her pubic hair due to the nuances of the Tytonal language. For three long years, I Unknowingly called this poor woman a not-safe for work name and nobody corrected me. Finally, one staff member Let the truth slip and I was absolutely mortified. I've been walking around truth slip and I was absolutely mortified. I'd been walking around blissfully unaware of the embarrassment that I had been causing both myself and Moash to say that I was devastated is an understatement. Learned from my mistake folks, went in doubt, stick to formal names.

Today I f'd up when I had a quick-witted, funny response in a class and was asked to leave. This happened while I was at university in the UK. I studied English, funny response in a class and was asked to leave. This happened while I was at university in the UK. I studied English, and I was in a seminar discussing a book that we had to read that week. There was one element in this book that apparently touched on prostitution. The class discussion then turned onto the related topic of local prostitution, and the fact that this treated Jason to our campus used to be a notorious red light district the female Professor asked the class can anyone think of a reason why there could have been a sudden change and that one moment There was prostitution here and then the next there wasn't okay, I got a stop right here

Uh, OP. I don't know what the joke that you cracked was but I can just say immediately my mind went to the exact same spot. I'm thinking the joke is because they graduated. Which is a pretty funny joke. I know the responses she was looking for were related to police action, law changes, economic changes in the local community, gentrification of the area, etc. Certainly, I recall thinking that those things would have been acceptable responses, but I screwed up and said something else entirely. So, as the first person to put my hand up in a class where I was the only male out of a dozen or so students, I said, Perhaps they all just graduated and moved away?

The laugh that I was hoping for absolutely did not appear. Instead, I had every single person in my class giving me a look of disgust and my professor suggested that if I can't take the subject matter seriously, I should leave. So yeah, I left embarrassed and a little shell-shocked if I'm honest. It's a bit of a class clown in high school and college and even grad school. And I've also been kicked out of class a few times for making stupid crash jokes. But come on, the joke is right there, it's so obvious and it's so funny. I'm on your side, OP, these people need a sense of humor. I'll tell you this story.

This joke didn't get me kicked out, but it's the first joke that I could think of when I think back about my college career. Okay, so one random fact about me, this is not a flex because it's not impressive in the least, but I'm really, really, really good at writing essays. And in pursuing my English degree in college, this, I swear to God, three separate times, three separate times, my professor,

read either my entire essay or part of my essay to the class as an example of how to write a good essay. Anyways, one time... Anyways, one time we had an essay and we turned it in. And the professor was really angry because most people didn't write very good essays. And the professor said, okay, listen everyone, you guys don't know how to write good essays, but one of you wrote a really good essay, so I'm going to read the essay to the class. And I'm not going to say who wrote this essay because I don't want to put them on the spot and it's not appropriate. So I'm

going to read this anonymously. And because this has already happened to me at like once before this point, I knew it was going to be my essay. And of course, she read my essay. And then afterwards, after she was done, I raised my hand and she looked at me and she was like, yes, Dabney. And I was like, wow, you know, that was a really good essay. I think you're right. That's one of the best essays I've ever heard. And she was like, Dabney, okay, fine.

This is your essay. And she got a little pissed off, irritated at me. But I don't know, what can I say, man? If the joke's right there, you have to go for it. I wish this were more useful. If there was some job out there, where your job was to write academic essays, I'd be a billionaire, you guys.

But unfortunately, it is a fundamentally useless skill. So here I am. Reading Reddit posts on YouTube instead. Oh, I remembered one. One time in art class, which I hated, by the way. There was a... The professor was showing various paintings, and we as a class had to say, you know, what we thought the artist was trying to convey with this.

And they had this picture, I couldn't tell you what it was. This person who was painted with like a bunch of different painting colors. So like blue and green and red, yellow, all these different colors was composing this person. And the professor said, what do you think the artist was trying to convey with this painting? And I said, I raised my hand and I said,

I think they're trying to say that this person has a very colorful personality, which the professor did not like and kicked me out of class. Another time, I wasn't a great student. Okay, another time, there was a, we were discussing a painting of this woman. The painting depicted a woman in the woods, and she just happened upon this baby who was like swaddled in the woods just like left there. And the woman looked shocked because like, yo, why is there a baby here? And the class was discussing, you know, all the symbolism of the painting and the colors and the mood was really dark and unpleasant and

you know, we were discussing the baby's body language. And all I was thinking this whole time was, yo, why are this woman's nipples showing? I don't mean that she was shirtless, I don't mean that her clothing was transparent, she was just wearing like a dress, but she had really, really, really perky, pokey nipples through her dress. And it's just sort of surprising to me because the tone of the painting was really like dark and melancholy, and you got these things just pointing at us, You know, I brought it up with a teacher. I was like, why did the painter choose to make the woman so nipily?

As I say it, now I realize how bad it sounds. I was like, why did they choose to make her so nipily? Because the artist had to go out of his way to paint those. That was like an intentional choice, and the dress isn't transparent, so the artist decided I have to make her nipily here. And the professor got mad at me and told me to leave, but I wasn't even trying to make a joke.

I thought it was a legitimate question. If we're discussing the symbolism of the painting, then it kind of begs the question, why did the artist make that decision? I tried to find the painting on Google Images, I wasn't able to find it, you guys, I wish I could show you. So you could see, like, oh yeah, wow, that is really obvious to have me.

Why did the artist decide to make her so, so perky? These side marios all you can eat is all you can munch a soup, sell it, and gollic homo. Come on, me, I'm gonna move on out of the way! Get out of the way! Be careful along our tracks and only make left turns where it's safe to do so. Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. Today I effed up by complaining about the music when a nurse slash technician was rooting around in my bladder. So, like a year ago, I went to the toilet one night to discover that I was pissing blood. Dismayed to say the least. I went to the urologist and he's like, yeah, you need a cystoscopy.

We did the thing, and he found a tumor in my bladder about the size of a matchstick head. We cut it out, we tested it, and it wasn't cancerous. It was something called a pun limp. I lived to fight another day. What a relief, right? Well, I still have to get this stupid procedure every three months to check to make sure

if the tumor hasn't grown back. It's called a cystoscopy. And anybody who's not familiar with cystoscopies, it's an outpatient thing where they jam a camera up your urethra. And let's just say it is not comfortable. Well, this morning I'm having another one. The nurse or technician or whatever

she's called is up there looking around, and for whatever reason, she decides to turn on the radio. I don't know why she does it, but she does it. I like to think that I'm generally a good sport, so I don't say much, but for some reason, during this 15-minute procedure, every song that comes on is just effing ridiculous. I think the first song that came on was Shake Your Groove Thing, which obviously I'm thinking of my own thing during. Followed by Cuts Like A Knife by Brian Adams. And if I could turn back time by share, then cold as ice by foreigner.

I had no tumor this time and she yanks the thing out. I'm relieved and I leave. I'm like, I can't be the only person on earth who doesn't like this. Oh well, life goes on. Then I get a survey emailed to me from the urology company asking about my experience. I think, okay, this is probably the forum for this sort of thing. I'd leave very lighthearted advice on this survey. I say, it's kind of weird to have share singing while you're getting a camera jammed up your urethra, or something like that. And not even two minutes later, the technician's boss calls me to apologize

on her behalf and say that things were handled. I insist that she did a great job and probably wasn't even considering the music and that it wasn't her fault. And what the hell did you mean things were handled? It's just not that big of a deal. The boss tells me that they put this woman on indefinite leave of absence over this. And I'm like, what the eff lady? That's not fair? Is this something that's happened before? Surely I can't be the only reason? I'm not at liberty to say that,

the boss says. And then I guess because I copped an attitude with her, she gets off the phone. I feel terrible. I'm angry. My dong hurts. Also, I'm surely part of a class now on what NOT to do at a urology clinic. Today I f'd up when I learn the language that my girlfriend speaks when she gossipes with her friends. My girlfriend is South African, her native language is Afrikaans. I've been learning how to speak Afrikaans without my girlfriend knowing. I secretly applied for online courses that I've been using on and off for more than a year now.

My plan was to surprise my girlfriend and her family with my Afrikaans when I finally secretly applied for online courses that I've been using on and off for more than a year now. My plan was to surprise my girlfriend and her family with my Afrikaans when I finally meet her parents in person for the first time later this year. I never intended to eavesdrop or anything, but learning Afrikaans and secret accidentally exposed me to sensitive information that my girlfriend was sharing on the phone with her Afrikaans speaking friends from South Africa. It was gossip that I was not supposed to understand, but eventually I did. This is what I've learned in the past few months.

1. My girlfriend is planning to surprise me on my birthday by reuniting with her high school metal band and putting on a show for me. 2. My girlfriend wants to tattoo the names of literally all the Harry Potter spells on her back, but she doesn't know how to tell me because she's afraid that I'll talk her out of it. 3. My girlfriend casually mentioned that one of the unexpected differences between her

glasses and her contact lenses is that when she's on her knees looking up at me with her glasses on, my member looks much bigger compared to what it looks like through her contact lenses, which is why she's keeping her glasses on during intercourse. Ouch! 4. My girlfriend is convinced that my parents are swingers because apparently there are always attractive couples hanging out at my mom and dad's house whenever we visit. 5.

My girlfriend secretly finished the entire series of better call-saw without me, even though we agreed to finish it together. So now, she's pretending to have no idea how that show ends. 6. My girlfriend is thinking about cancelling the high school metal band reunion for my birthday because she's no longer sure if it's appropriate to team up with two of her acts that are original members of the band. 7. My girlfriend expects that her dad won't like me. I would have preferred not knowing most of these things to be honest, but there's no

way for me to unlearn Afrikaans, so now I'm cursed with knowing too much while having to pretend that I know nothing. Opie, um, I don't know if I could handle the whole Harry Potter spells on her back because this is such a stupid joke, I'm sorry, okay? Because when you're hitting a doggy style, all I could think about is EJACULOS on your BACULOS! Today I f'd up by being deaf in a bathroom. This happened pre-pandemic.

Back when working in an office was the norm, but it occurred to me this morning that you might get a laugh from it. I used to work in this four floor office building, home to about a thousand people, with a large bathroom on the east and west ends of each floor. One day, I had to go pee so I walked into the bathroom. In my peripheral vision, I noticed a man walking behind me, so I casually held the door open for him, but without really looking at him. I wasn't even really holding it, just an extra shove so it stays open longer. You all know the move.

I walked up to one of the urinals. They were all open, so I just grabbed a random one. The man behind me did not go to the urinals. He didn't go to the stall, he didn't go to a sink. He just stood behind me, weirdly close. I felt very uncomfortable, but didn't go to the stall, he didn't go to a sink. He just stood behind me weirdly close. I felt very uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. He continued to just stay in there the entire time I was being uncomfortably close. I started to think that I might be in trouble and mentally prepared myself for a confrontation or even a physical fight.

I finished my business and I flushed the urinal. The water filled up the urinal but it didn't go down. Whatever. I wheeled around to be like, what the hell is your problem man? And I saw the man head on a uniform from a plumbing company behind him on the floor was his toolbox. He was there to fix this urinal that wasn't flushing. The one I had just taken a big piss into that was not going down. He looked sad. It's now that you might think, that's the guy's own fault for not stopping you. He should have said something when he was standing behind you. Why didn't he say something?

So I remind you of what the title of the post is. Today I f'd up by being deaf in a bathroom. And hindsight, I'm pretty sure he had said something, I just didn't hear him. That was our slash today I f'd up, and if you liked this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.