rSlash - r/Topposts I Hired a Hitwoman

Episode Date: November 9, 2024

0:00 Intro 0:08 Hitwoman 5:36 Prank 7:42 Court 11:47 Altitude 15:08 Nursing home Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Red one we're coming at you is the movie event of the holiday season Santa Claus has been kidnapped You're gonna help us find you can't trust this guy. He's on the list. It's a naughty Lister naughty Lister Dwayne Johnson We got snowman Chris Evans, I might just go back to the car. Let's save Christmas I'm not gonna say that say it. All right Let's see Christmas. There it is. Only in theaters November 15th. Welcome to r slash Top Posts where OP hires a hit woman, so to speak. Our next Reddit post is from Chatroos.

I'm a 29 year old woman and my little sister who's 24 is the sweetest girl in the world and we're extremely close. She started a situation ship with the worst person I've ever met for two years. So many nights, me, my husband and her friends held her while she cried over the things that he would do and say to her until she finally broke it off. We thought that it was behind us for around five months until she surprise announced that they were officially dating. My whole family hates this guy and we were extremely distraught. But we're scared to let her know in case we pushed her away since when we previously

voiced how much we all disliked him and pushed her to leave him behind, he tried to get her to isolate herself from her friends and family. My wedding was coming up about six months after they made it official, and my sister was the maid of honor. I had no intention of inviting her devil-spawn boyfriend, but he told her that he would break up with her if he wasn't invited. He told her that she was a terrible person if she associated with anyone at the wedding if they didn't support their relationship. Even my sister knew that was a stretch, but was anxious and crying every day for a week after he dragged her self-esteem to rock bottom and convinced her that she was the

worst partner in the world for not fighting for their relationship. So to avoid more heartbreak for her, I initially invited him. But I also coincidentally know the worst woman in the world. She used to be a friend of ours over a decade ago in high school, but she was terrible and we cut off the friendship. She wasn't originally invited to the wedding. Her worldviews are abhorrent and she slept with countless of her friends' old boyfriends when they were together. So I knew that she was up for this job. She's currently dating a very sweet but very strange

man so I took a chance. I offered her 250 bucks and a wedding invite to hook up with my sister's boyfriend, but she must generate proof of some kind. She said that she'd do it for 200 bucks, LMAO, but I also had to pay her boyfriend 200 bucks and he was fine with it. She had it completed within the day. She bought tickets to a music venue that my sister's boyfriend was going to that night. They're both despicable people, but Christ, I admit that I was impressed. She sent a full video taken by my sister's boyfriend to my sister that day. This is so funny. This was two months before the wedding. I had this woman send it to my sister's friends too, and I told my family members about it so that the added humiliation of everyone knowing

would make my sister less likely to forgive him and stay with him. My sister grieved for many days and initially I felt like the worst person in the world. I thought her self-esteem was so low already because of him and I had just snuffed out what little she had left. But after a week, it seemed to have almost the opposite effect. It was like the validation she needed to know that all the gaslighting, manipulation, and horrible things that he had said to her for years was just projection and that, in fact, he was the problem. They broke up and she was very sad about it for a while,

but I saw the light coming back into her eyes. He did not come to the wedding. The awful woman did. My sister was extremely confused and upset by the horrible woman coming to the wedding, but I managed to convince her that I had to let her come with some elaborate lie about her mother dying. Which actually wasn't a lie. Her mom really did die.

Everyone had a good time. It's been a year since they broke up. My sister is like a whole new woman. She's confident, stands up for herself more, she's got a brilliant job, has an amazing apartment and is dating a very sweet guy. I think my husband knows what I did. When he found out from my sister what happened, he looked at me in this certain way and we never talked about it. He never talked about it to me directly and I'm sure it's because he clocked me immediately that I had something to do with it and he didn't want confirmation.

But I think he also approves. He told me yesterday how much relief it brings him to know that she's doing worlds better without him. My husband and my sister are also very close. I know that it's screwed up that I was capable of such a thing, but I don't regret it at all. If it comes out one day what I did, I'll take my consequences on the chin. I do often get anxious that the woman I paid will tell someone or use it as leverage over

me, but it hasn't come up yet, surprisingly to me. Maybe it was just another Saturday for her and she's completely forgotten about it. I don't know. Yeah, it's... So, so just on the surface, this is like a really funny story. But what I think is going on here is for OP, this is the most significant thing that she's ever done. But for this terrible woman, yeah, this is like a pretty typical Saturday.

Oh yeah, I just, you know, slept with some guy in a relationship and my boyfriend filmed it. You know, it's what I always do on Saturday, not a big deal. Also, you gotta respect her professionalism. That woman got it done. She's like a hit woman. But like, instead of killing them, she's gonna hit it and quit it. Our next Reddit post comes from r slash benign existence.

Today, my kid and I pulled off a prank five years in the making against my wife. Five years ago, on my daughter's 13th birthday, we were chatting about what she wanted to do on her major milestone birthdays. We decided that on her 18th birthday, we would play a prank on her mother. That night was tonight. We went out with family and friends, and after the main meal, I announced that I wanted to buy my newly adult child their first alcoholic drink. Cool, she said. I'll have a whiskey. Cue the looks of disbelief from everyone at the table. My wife said, uh, that's hardcore. And my mother tried desperately to convince her grandchild of a better option. My kid remained steadfast and I put on my best, this will be a good

lesson to learn face, and asked if anyone else wanted a shot. No one did, but everyone got out their phones to record the event. I had informed the server of our plans ahead of time and she brought out two shot glasses. One with whiskey that she put in front of me and one with apple juice that was placed in front of Little Miss 18 years old. We both downed our shots and looked around at everyone to see their reaction. My parents, sitting opposite us, were preparing to leap out of the way of the whiskey spray. My wife's expression went from worry to confusion to suspicion quite quickly. Neither of us pranksters could keep our laughter in for long and we quickly spilled the beans. But the facial expressions

of everyone at the table were brilliant. My mother in particular had a wonderfully expressive reaction. All in all, it was a pretty trivial prank. But the best bit was that through her troubled teenage years, we'd always been able to bring a smile to each other's face by reminding each other of this conspiracy. It's something that was shared between just the two of us. Something so simple, yet so wonderfully binding. Oh that's awesome OP. I think the best pranks, and honestly the only good pranks, are pranks that don't

have a victim like this one. Our next reddit post is from zebrapsychological. I'm a 25 year old woman and my husband is 26. We've been together for 8 years, married for 2. We also have two beautiful kids, a 6 year old boy and 3 year old girl. We moved out on our own in 2023. In May of 2024, my husband's aunt, who's 40, and his three cousins were in a rough spot.

They were kicked out of his grandmother's house and moved in with her ex, the father of her kids. Something happened there and they were once again kicked out. She called us crying because she didn't have anywhere to go and we didn't know what to do. My husband and I decided to have them move in with us. We live 4 hours away from where they currently live. They moved out here with us and we changed around our entire normal for them to feel

comfortable. We live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house. Our children had their own rooms, but we now have them share a room so that his aunt and girl cousins could use that room. His other two cousins were going to sleep in the garage, but we decided that it was way too hot for them to be in there. So instead, we moved them to the living room. Everything was fine at first, but it's always fine at first, right?

My husband and I decided that we were going to split the bills in half. There were four of us and four of them. Our rent was $1700. They agreed to pay half of everything. Once it came time to pay for our bills, my husband would ask his family for their portion of the bills. They would try to negotiate what they would pay instead of trying to pay their half. We ended up just footing what they didn't give us.

A month after they moved in, we started seeing drastic changes in our bills. Our electric bill went from 160 every month to 350. Our water bill went from $65 a month to $100. And our gas went from 65 to 80. My husband and I were baffled by these amounts, but we just thought that it was because there were more people living here. They were never paying their full half of the bills or rent. It got increasingly frustrating because his aunt was going out every single day to spend

large amounts of money on anything but actual groceries or necessities. It started to become so bad that I would buy groceries for my kids and then tell them not to touch those groceries because they were for my kids only. No one listened and within a day all of our groceries were gone. They didn't care about anything that I would say. They were very disrespectful to me. They would treat my husband like royalty and me like complete garbage. I would have conversations with my husband about this behavior and he would talk to them

about it too and they wouldn't change. At one point, his aunt had texted me calling me an effing R-word. But the moment my husband said something, she switched it up and said she meant to say that her son was that. The last month they were here, my daughter ended up in the hospital to have life-saving surgery and we weren't home for 8 days. The day that we returned home with our daughter from the hospital, they were acting completely different and didn't say anything to us. The next morning, we woke up to take our son to school

and they had a U-Haul outside and were packing up their things. They were trying to leave before we got up. They left and they've been telling lies about us. Now, my electric bill for that last month they were here is $700. They have no intention of giving us their half of that bill. So much so that the moment my husband contacted them asking for their half, they blocked us on everything. I told my husband that if they don't give us their portion of the bills, I'll take them to small claims court. Well, OP, I'm on your side, but considering they got kicked out of two houses, I don't know what on earth made you think that they would be good roommates. So best case scenario, you get your money back.

But worst case scenario, you paid an extra what like $1000, $2000 bucks to cut those people out of your life forever, which is a deal in my opinion. Our next Reddit post is from CanitBtrueOrNot. I'm a 28 year old woman and I've been with my boyfriend who's 29 for three years. Every now and then, my boyfriend has to go to Utah for a few days because his team has a customer service branch that operates out there. I got a text from one of his co-workers who's become a friend of ours and it said that on the trip, my boyfriend cheated on me with some guy on the customer care team. I didn't believe it at first because first of all, my boyfriend has always identified as straight. And second of all,

I just couldn't believe it. When he got home, I asked him about it, basically expecting him to confirm that it was nonsense. Instead, he got real quiet and had a sit down and said that he had to tell me something. He said that it was true, that he did have a one-night stand with a guy. I couldn't believe it. I asked him if he was telling me that he was gay or bisexual and that regardless cheating is cheating. He insisted that he wasn't gay at all but quote the strangest thing happened. He said that when he was at dinner with his Utah co-workers, he suddenly became gay. I was like, what? What the F? He said that he thinks it was due to the altitude. I was like, you're screwing with me, right? But he said after he had done it with a guy, he got really confused as to how all of a

sudden he was gay. He said that higher altitudes can have an impact on how people think and on their emotions. And he thinks the high altitude made him gay, temporarily. He said that as soon as he landed back home, he was back to being straight. I was like, did he get drugged or something? But he said that wasn't possible. They were always in a group at dinner, which is when he became gay. And he was only alone with the guy afterwards. He said that he had done a lot of thinking on the drive back from

the airport and he confirmed within himself that he's straight and that his only conclusion could be that he was temporarily turned gay to the altitude. I was like, whatever, I guess we're breaking up. He looked at me confused. I was like, gay or not, you did cheat on me. He said it wasn't his fault and that human actions are just a byproduct of accidental brain chemistry and that his brain chemistry had been altered through no fault of his own due to the higher altitudes of Utah.

He said he couldn't believe that I would blame him for something medical and scientific that was out of his control. He really looked bewildered that I was angry about this. I don't know, maybe he's convinced that I'm a rube, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm overreacting. Like, I know it sounds insane, but is it possible to accidentally change your sexual orientation due to emotional changes brought on by altitude? Is that possible? And if it is, am I overreacting? Should I throw away a three-year relationship for this? He's acting like I'm being rude and weird, but I'm confused.

Well, luckily, all my Utah-based listeners out there can confirm or deny. So, Utah people, you're all gay, right? Every single one of you? Our next Reddit post is from Kennygotclout. I put my divorced parents, who hate each other, in the same nursing home. Karma's a bitch, mom and dad! I appreciate how you always included me in your childhood drama. It's very unfortunate that the two of you thought that it was funny to act like kids while making me take on the role of the adult. Those roles have now been reversed. You both need someone to look after you because you're elderly. It was clearly not going to be me.

I hope the two of you can work it out and enjoy one another's company for the remainder of your wretched lives. Did you know that your mother is in the same nursing home as me? I'm waiting for those calls. Yes, I'll now relax and savor my cold beverage. That was r slash top post from Reddit, and if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new Reddit podcast episodes every single day.