Rural Concerns - Archery, Neck Oil & Top Soil

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

Producer James visits a creche for 40 something men, Chris has finally done something for Leek Club and Sunil got to ride in a tow truck. The lads also consider what it takes to become a master archer.   Chris still has a couple of tour dates! He's off to Barnard Castle (22nd March) and Chorley (17th May) Grab your tickets, here!   Got a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery.

Hello and welcome to Rural Concerns. My name is Sunil Patel and I will be reporting on events and affairs in London, the greatest city in the history of civilisation, except for all those other cities where you can buy five ice-cold lagers and a delicious pack of ciggies for under a tenner. I am Chris Cantrell, and I have carved out a life for myself in a godforsaken corner of the English countryside. Inside my massive house, I have a two-screen PC set up, one

screen for playing Age of Empires, and another screen for commenting on new stories with... Now Megan has gone. I have got my country back. I'm producer James. I like dogs, bubbles and trains and crisps. Every day my wife... Every day my wife dropped me off in pub car park where I fight lads. Then I take all the quids I've earned from fighting lads

and I go to the park and I chuck the quids at picking pigeons and ducks. This is Rural Concerns. The podcast this age deserves. Then I'm doing it like an Ali G finger click. I'll do your back end, won't I? You're a man of an age. I'm not of an age. The age is

still very young and it would not be out of, it would not be out of the order for me to see me in a club. Yeah, what kind of club? Club that sorts out how the money is spent for the Parent Teacher Association. Leak club.

Have we had a leak update? We have, haven't we? We did it last episode. I've got a leak update and it's happened today. There is the countryside bit. I've decided that stuff has gone on too far and everyone's laughing at it.

Do you know what? It put me off because somebody listens to this podcast. Yes. Do you know Simon, who was the gateway to the story about the quids? He sent me, I'll dig it out, he sent me a message. Is this what you said last week, that you were too late to mulch? Too late to mulch.

Is this what you said last week, you were too late to mulch? All you said last week was you were too late to mulch, and from the sound of things, you've not gotten on top of that. Listen, listen, take it from Redbridge's third best brackets front gardener, you can't be mulching as late as February. So I got rattled. But this week I've decided someone with my brain pattern, like makeup, responds very strongly to deadlines.

And if that deadline was technically two months ago, I've snapped into action. So this morning, because my mother and father-in-law are in the process of selling the house and it's been like, it's been a process. So I just messaged my mother-in-law this morning was like, how are you today? And she said, I'm okay. There's a lot of stuff flying around. I said, do you want to come for a break with me, buy some topsoil? Um, so I've gone to put in an order for topsoil, but apparently they don't get the topsoil in for a couple of more weeks until just before april so i basically put my name down for a dumpy bag of topsoil well

what like the one where they the crane drops it off in your garden 100 that's what i've ordered what a builder's topsoil builder's topsoil industrial topsoil to fill the beds this is happening i'm coming back from the dead. Have you counted it up or have you like done the maths and you know that's how much you need? I'm going to order one dumpy bag of topsoil and if it's any more than that, I'm not going to do it.

What if that's too much topsoil? It's not too much topsoil. It's not too much. It's not too much topsoil. I spoke to my neighbour and said, because they can't get, they can't get into my back garden. So I'm leaving it in front of my neighbour's house. But this is my neighbour and said, because they can't get, they can't get into my back garden.

So I'm leaving it in front of my neighbor's house. But this is my neighbor who has a cockerel. Oh, that's nice. Like two doors up, two doors up, there's a fella, fella and his wife, and they have a cockerel or two cockerels. So like, obviously they are rooing at like four or five in the morning. I'm largely absolutely fine with this. What's the point of cockerels?

Because you're not getting any eggs, are you? No. And also alarm clocks exist. I don't know, but the cockerel is bold. And every now and again, we find the cockerel on our dividing fence, which means that the cockerel psychologically believes our garden to be its territory. Yeah, I get it. If I was bald, I'd be shouting my head off.

I'd be absolutely going for it. At 5am, just yelling. Yeah. Where's my fucking hair? The trade-off is no issue at all, but I'm putting that dump in back in front of your house for two days while I empty it with a wheelbarrow what's underneath

the topsoil then how far do you need to what's going on I'd say I need to fill about this much and for the listener I've just done a hand symbol that's about

like what would you say the length of that is that I'm doing there the length of your face the length of it is my face and it's it's

two it's two thirds of James's face in terms of your face. The length of it is my face, and it's two thirds of James's face. In terms of his face, it's a little bit more than Sunil's face. It's my face exactly, but it's up to James's nose. I haven't got a smaller face than you, have I? You've got a tiny little small perfectly round head, which is lovely.

It's a lovely head. Right, so that's the League Club update. League Club is happening. I wasn a lovely head. Right. So that's the Leak Club update. Leak Club is happening. I wasn't expecting a Leak update. This is exciting news though. Yeah. Tops are coming within two weeks. Everyone in the, me and my friend,

we're getting, me and Dave over the road are also getting, oh, get this. I was in the, this is a Leak. This is a bigger Leak Club than I expected. We were in the pub. Our friend from over the road, Tracy, came. Apparently, like a while ago, she had an idea of selling what is known as poo bricks, which are horse poo,

horse poo that is taken by a machine that is like dried out and basically formed into bricks. And because horse shit is basically just hay, it becomes like incredibly flammable, you know? So basically there's this thing that you can turn old horse poo, you age it and form it into bricks and then it's a fuel. But she was going to do this as a little side hustle because that's what we would be doing up Cumbria, Northumbria,

where everyone's got little hustles going on all the time but she didn't get around to it so she said that me and dave can have a bag of harsh each lucky how many bricks was she gonna make out of it like 10 i don't know but we've got a we've got like a sort of trough type thing full of shit we both get a carrier bag each and dave wasn't there because he was in ireland drinking too many pints for a man whose next big birthday is 50 so i tried to steal all all the horse poo bricks for me but his mother-in-law was like you should split them up and i was like yes i guess you should what's. What's he going to do? Is he growing leeks as well? He's growing leeks as well,

but he's done even less. Is he going to build a flammable dog kennel? He's done even less than me. I messaged him. He was in Ireland. I messaged him and said, the general chat in the village pub is that you were drinking too much and you hadn't done,

you hadn't done fucking shit with your leeks. So that's where leeks are. Oh, this is great. So this is like when you've got a friend at school who's equally as shit as you at everything and just leaves everything to the last minute. I just need him to be... All I need from Dave is for him to be slightly shitter than me

and that's the victory. That is the marginal gains victory that is leak club year one. Clawing your way up from the bottom. Okay. Are you going to get to like leak club day and he's gonna copy your leaks what yeah yeah all right is it oh he's miss he's looking at my leaks i've never touched my microphone no this is just if it's producer of the podcast just slipped i just wanted, I wanted to try and mime someone hiding their work, their work like they did at school.

And I got overexcited. Sorry, full clarification. The producer of this podcast just dropped his mic off a table because he was doing a mime. I think that explains where we are. He went to my, did you go to mime school?

Yeah. I don't like to talk about it famously, but I did go to mime school? Yeah. I don't like to talk about it, famously. But I did go to mime school. You didn't go to mime school. You did a module on mime. No, I went to Desmond Jones School of Mime. I'm Googling that. He's not.

I don't know if he's still alive. Desmond Jones. He taught the wheelers to wheel. The wheelers from Return to Oz. Shush now. Shush now. He taught the wheelers to wheel. The wheelers from Return to Oz. Shush now. Shush now. He taught the wheelers to wheel. Longest running school of mime in the country.

Yeah. Desmond Jones. Is he still alive? Uh, no. No, but has his school lived on? No, that's dead as well. It was the longest. 2004.

Yeah. Oh, he closed it. So he might not be dead, actually. Let's have a look. He's got his own page, Desmond Jones. Yep, that's him. Oh, he's dead. Obituary, oh, August last year.

Oh. In The Guardian. Oh. In The Guardian? You were trained by a broadsheet-grade mime. Yeah, he went to... What's his name? He taught the wheelers to wheel.

I don't know another way to say it. I don't know what that means. Who are the wheelers to wheel I don't know another way to say it I don't know what that means who are the wheelers and why are they wheelers have you seen Return to Oz which was Wicked

no which was Wicked no Wicked is the prequel hmm there's an atonement that's the level of oh this is why am I not

off mic on Radio 4 comedies? Put this man on Five Live. Put him away. Put this man on GB News. You've heard... Fuck off. You've heard of Return to Oz though, surely?

No, sorry, I'm still reading his obituary, which turns out it was written by his son? Hmm. Anyway, yeah, sorry. What's Return to Oz? Is it a musical? it was the was it disney made sequel to wizard of oz it was like a sort of 90s grunge 80s an 80s grunge sequel to wizard of oz that was kind of scary it's cited as like an like a film that terrified kids of the time it's up there with like labyrinth and stuff it feels to me of a similar ilk to labyrinth and like maybe never

ending story i don't imagine that you did much stuff like that as a as a child so no this might be unfair please correct me if i'm wrong but i could just imagine you in a totally blank sparse room, sat on a wooden chair, staring at a wall for 12 hours a day. Is that fair? Yeah, a bit unfair. Yeah, I had a calculator to play with, yeah. Scientific as well. Scientific,

typing out boobless two million times, two million times a day. Boobless cubed. Cubed boobless. No, i'll watch it then is it worth watching i haven't watched it because it was too genuinely too scary i haven't watched it since i was a kid terrifying moments anyway you did mime is it so i did do a term at desmond jones school of mime and physical theater actually and that's why you just knocked over the microphone. Yes, because I'm just well into mime. Can you do a bit of mime for us now?

Or is this bullying? I can't tell whether it's supportive or bullying. It's hard to tell how good the mime is because I'm in a 2D environment. You look exactly like, if you haven't seen James, he's putting his hand up against the light. It's exactly like if you've seen when Zod gets trapped in that. In the Phantom Zone. In the Phantom Zone in Superman 1. Yes, it's exactly like that.

Basically, for a second, Sunil and Chris thought there was a big strong wind in here. And I was just trying to walk. Just trying to get on with my business. How long did you spend at mime school? One term, three months. And did you do this full time or was it like after school yeah it was every day every day you gotta go in miming yep go into my weekdays what are you allowed to talk at

all when you're in there yeah or is it like you say come on sacked gotta go you gotta wave yeah but but because the person couldn't speak to sack me and i could just pretend i didn't understand nice you point and then flip the v's you and sort of swing his thumb up i've got one tiny other bit from home there is a there is a countryside bit oh like two things right one when i ordered the topsoil so like i say it was actually like just a little, you know, like, come on, let's get out of here to my mother-in-law. I took my mother-in-law for lunch. Is it a John Innes number seven?

Oh, John Innes topsoil, compost. No, it's from a local company. It's not from John's garden. Oh, it's locally made. No, but John Innes is like, that's not even, I don't understand what it is because that isn't the brand. You can get different brands, John Innes is like, that's not even, I don't understand what it is because that isn't the brand. You can get different brands, John Innes. It's like his recipe.

Oh, is it? I thought John Innes was a brand. You can get it in different brands. It's like John Innes recipe. He's like the flat white or cappuccino. It's a set of four soil-based formulae for growing media. But you don't use like like you only use like some random numbers like seven three yeah it's either he couldn't count or it's like wd-40 like only one

of the the recipes was actually any good yeah so what have you got well i haven't got anything yet because he hadn't ordered it it's going to be another few couple of weeks before they order it in and then i buy it and then it's delivered so i I think it's just, I've ordered a bag of topsoil. It's from a local place. No one said you want John's topsoil or anything like that. So I can't speak to the providence of the soil, but I can find out. It's quite interesting, the history of the John Innes,

John Innes, I assume that's how you pronounce it, a property developer bequeathed his fortune to establish a horticultural institute, which is now the John Innes, John Innes, I assume that's how you pronounce it, a property developer bequeathed his fortune to establish a horticultural institute, which is now the John Innes Centre, who came up with different composts. I added that last bit, but I couldn't just pre-see. I would just, thinking about it, given that we're called Rural Concerns and some people might have started listening to this podcast because they have rural concerns and they know about countryside stuff. They're probably ripping their hair out now

at how much we're getting John Innes wrong. But this is what healthy debate is what's missing from the broad political spectrum. So this is a healthy debate about rural issues. Chris and James, in order, what are the common types of John Innes compost? What's the first one? Beep.

Sorry, what's it going from three to one? Teeth and hair. Teeth and hair. No, no, no. No, they have numbers. They have numbers. Seven. No.

Where's that? Which place is that? Starting at third place, what's the third most popular? Least popular. Top three most popular. One, two, and three. that which place is that starting it's starting at third place what's the third least popular top three most popular one two and three okay so third third most popular john innes number three yeah it is yeah is this a bit just a bit where we're guessing random numbers yeah that's it what's number two then what's the second most what's the second most popular number

is it number two yeah right james do you want to take this next one? Yeah, I think it's number seven. That was a fun game. So we went, right, after the topsoil visit, we went,

I took my mother-in-law for lunch at a little cafe that's opened in a building next to the railway station. So that was cool anyway the only reason i bring this up is it was a nice chat but my mother-in-law referred to someone as she said he really did think he was the bees bollocks and i thought it really tickled me he's done it again this time james has mimed his way back to smash his head off a lamp i think i mean he's passed away so i don't think you can you know get your money back but the only other thing is something mad's happened in you know i had the the leak that is definitely not my fault but maybe emanating from my property. A different sort of leak.

Yes. The leak of our business down the hill. But it's not our, and it's not our responsibility because it's, yeah, we've been through this. The, the,

because I share my drainage pipe with my next door neighbor legally, that makes it a sewage pipe, which legally makes it the responsibility of United Utilities. So this has been an ongoing thing. Shout out United, yeah? Yeah, well, yeah. Button to shout out United Utilities. Shout out United Utilities.

And also a similar, a situation where that knowledge was crucial happened to me about a week after you told me about that. And I was passing that knowledge off like I'd known it for years. Like, oh, it's where they join us. Well, that's, yeah, that'll be Thames Water, won't it? This is useful knowledge because it sits under, the area that is the concern sits on my property,

but it not being legally our thing has just changed our, like we have no liability for it. They have to fix it. It's useful information for the bourgeoisie who own property but for those of us that rent absolutely not our problem thank you all your sewage links with other people's sewage because you just got one toilet on the balcony because i see your life is sewage because you live in london but i'll just get to the end of it it's a tiny bit but they dug it all up we had this

Victorian I told you this this Victorian trap system replaced filled back up pipe system all like modern still leaking it turns out so then they went to the other side of the house onto the main street to try and put a sleeve which is

like a sleeve that you put on the inside of the pipe to stop the leaks. That's not working. They can't do it because the pipe is, so basically the United Utilities are going to have to dig up the back of this massive hole in the back of my garden a second time. Is this going to affect the leaks?

I'm going to leverage one leak to help with the other leak. And you could use the sewage. We already said other leak. And you could use the sewage. I already said you could use the sewage to help it grow. No, you can't use human sewage to grow plants with, can you? They piss on them. Yeah, we talked about that. We definitely talked about that. Oh, did we talk about this already?

And you can piss on them, is it? Bone meal. Yeah. What is bone meal? To be honest, I've learned this from Minecraft. A lot of words we're chucking around today that we don't understand. Minecraft. Yeah.

That's good. That's some good countryside business today. That is very countryside-y. For once, we've actually done some countryside business. Don't say for once. We do it all the time. We always address countryside issues, even if it's abstract. If you get scammed for Kirby just because you're in the countryside,

it doesn't make it a rural concern, does it? It does, because would I get scammed if I had my city smarts about me? Probably not. So every issue that we talk about, whether it's drone strikes in a foreign land, whether it's Kirby. We've never done drone strikes. Have we? Not in a foreign land

whether it's Kirby whether it's motorcycle gangs I'm always coming at it with a uniquely like a perspective informed by my rural experience okay

Lexus update yes please sir here is the city mate Lexus update yes please sir here is the city mate Lexus update insurers have taken away the car and they said when they take the car away get in the tow truck with him

and come back with him to the garage so I had to get I got a ride in a tow truck through London oh nice it was a big old cab.

The guy was wearing wraparound shades. He was in his 60s. Nice. Oakleys? Not Oakleys, no generics. If you can call sunglasses generic sunglasses. And he said, he said,

what they've done to your car, I see that happen six times a week. He said one guy happened to him three times in one year. Yeah, it sounds like, I guess it sounds like a loser. Is it really guy happened to him three times in one year. Yeah, it sounds like that guy sounds like a loser. He's living a victim narrative. Why isn't he putting that bit of metal

above the wheel arch? Why isn't he getting a second car battery and just putting the open wires in that spot where they always drill a hole

so that they give him a little bit of a shock? If I was him, I'd be up all night, every night, window slightly cracked open, barrel of an air pistol hanging out of it.

51 episodes and we haven't talked about, we have air rifles haven't come up. This feels like an oversight. Especially since it's the countryside. Yeah, why haven't you got a gun? Why haven't you got a gun why haven't you

got a gun I'm legally entitled to carry an air rifle so is everyone I've got special dispensation because I live

in the countryside I'm allowed I'm allowed to fire it did you ever mess around with an air rifle as a child no heard about them

yeah yeah I was allowed to play with them at school as well we had some at school just at the boarding school no no this was on like yeah. I was allowed to play with them at school as well. We had some at school. Just at the boarding school? No, no. This was on like an activities week where we could play with guns. Air rifles, not actual guns, obviously.

But still, wow. But that was seen as quite a wholesome pursuit, wasn't it? Shooting. By whom? By the people that just wanted to keep these kids fucking quiet for an hour, I think. Was it on like a residential? No, no. Yeah, it was.

It was out in like Devon or something. It was like all the kids down there for the week. There's a big pond in the middle. Play around for a bit. Let's have a go on some guns and some bows and arrows. Bows and arrows, yeah. My son's just an archery and was buzzing off of it. Is he going to get into it?

I don't know. It seems like he's got a consistency to it, which is important. You know what I mean? As in, I don't know whether they're're hitting he's the first one who got a bullseye he told me and i think it's about if you can consistently get them in the same place oh right okay sure like i would always i've always wanted to do archery you're hairless you could pretend to be a school kid no but like how much in my head it's like the entry level price to become an archer is high what was it gonna cost me to get like an adult grade bow archery bow no but you just you

just go for you just go to the centers to have a go on their bows don't you you don't buy your own bow immediately i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it raw i'm gonna do it no pretend you're having a stag do and book it you can book them and they'll come around your house and set it up just pretend you're having a stag do and then either with a variety of stick on beards and hats have all the goes or pretend that you know the wedding's been called off but while you're here i may as well have all the goes one addition to that i'll say the wedding's being called off because I cheated on the bride to be,

now I want to do this, otherwise I'll kill myself in my car. But what I'll do is he'll be like, no, this is, you haven't done archery before. This is not for amateurs. And I'll be like, amateurs? And then I'll go and while I'm walking, woof. and I'll be like amateurs and then I'll go and I'll while I'm walking like the target one bullseye I'm still walking oh you're walking and shooting at the same time

and then I'm like one bullseye whoosh into the quiver pull out the next hour I'm still walking no no you've already pulled it out without anyone seeing it. Stretch. Like Legolas. Stretch. Whoosh. Bullseye in the second one. Third one, he's like, he's not going to do it again. It's already in my fingers.

Whoosh. It's gone. But that one actually, like, a sort of squirrel jumps in front of it and knocks it off course. So I fire another arrow. I fire another arrow. You've got another one out already. And it knocks it off course so i fire another out i fire another arrow already yeah it knocks it back it knocks it back onto course and both arrows go through the bullseye like robin hood style i can imagine if i did that these are the daydreams of a middle-aged man though aren't they what does the archery instructor say to that ch? He says, he takes his quiver off and he's wearing like a ceremonial.

He's wearing a ceremonial porcelain mask. Ceremonial porcelain mask. Yeah, that's what he's wearing. And he takes it off. Porcelain mask. Ceremonial porcelain mask. Yeah, that's what he's wearing. Is it? And he takes it off. Get up. He's been wearing that the whole time. I'm surprised you didn't mention it earlier.

He takes it off. He's presenting you with something. He takes it off and gives it to me and says, welcome to the guild. To the archer's guild. To the guild of stag do archery and now I've seen his face he's just drying

he has to dry himself in the hot tub welcome to the guild of stag do events did you also hire a hot tub for this a portable hot tub for this made up stag do it's in the back garden of a party house isn't it there's a you hired a venue good one for this made-up stag. It's in a back garden of a party house, isn't it? Oh, God.

There's a hot tub. I hired a venue. Good one. James. Mad if it happened. It would be mad, wouldn't it? It's true. Did you talk about

your adult crush last time? Oh, no, I don't think I did. Chris, do you remember this adult crush that James got sent to? I discovered. Oh! No, we touched on it and we never followed it up, did we?

What was that about? This is exactly what happens there. Archery, right? Yeah, this is basically what it is. It wasn't literally an adult creche, but it was... Metaphorically, sorry. It was metaphorically. It was one of the dad's birthdays and they went for a curry for a curry yeah nice and then taxis and i got in the taxi can i have six butter chickens please

cut out the taxi walked into this venue and it was huge like a like a you know like a big air hangar full of pool tables where is this middle of nowhere or like near? Yeah, this is middle of nowhere. So we got in taxis in where I live, which is countryside-y, to a smaller village. And who's dropping all these lads off? A couple of taxis. It's all taxis, right?

I mean, you know, they're expensive because they're countryside taxis established. But yeah, 20-odd pool tables. All the walls have dartboards on them there's 30 plus dartboards around the place and how many lads in there per dartboard or per pool table well we were we were 12 and we were dropping the ocean in there it was massive how give me give Give me the age range. Not that busy, surprisingly. 40 to 42. Oh, my God. Oh, this is great. You can hear the slightly too tight leather jackets.

Big old pile of super dry jackets in the corner. Yeah, lots of chat about extensions. There were a couple of younger men in there, and I think there was maybe one woman, no, two women in there, in the whole place. And they were what, working there? One of them was a barmaid, yes. Yeah, there you go.

There were sports screens, and screens showing sport as well, right? A lot of sports screens. Screens and projectors of sports. So you've got sport, you've got darts, you've got pool, what else have darts, you've got pool. What else have you got? You've got American pool.

Yeah. Regular pool. Yeah. The Queen's pool. And shuffleboard. Oh, yeah. Shuffleboard. It's called shuffleboard.

Yeah, where you, what, like shove halfpenny or what? No, it's like 15 foot long. Oh, yeah. It's got sand on it. Yes. And it's sort of like a miniature of curling. Well, not that miniature,

but miniature compared to curling, but big compared to shove apony. I suppose it's the MIDI system between shove apony and curling. The only way that this could be better is with two things. One, house of the dead. Two, time crisis.

Yeah. There was no arcade as far as I saw. That's a very good point. What about fruit machines? Any fruities? I didn't see a fruity in there. No fruities. No fruities.

What about the gamblers? Nothing for the gamblers. Have you two ever played the ding gamblers? Like the fruit machines? Do you have experience with them? Yeah, I've got a bad core memory of it. I hate them. I had a friend that was lightly hooked on them,

and I remember standing with him when we were a lot younger and we were in a pub, and I was asking him, I said, because it was just like, you know, like flashing lights and noises and stuff, and I was like, I'm trying to understand how it worked. And I went, so what? And he's like just pressing random buttons. And I was like, so what is is that what are you doing there what and he didn't know do you

know what i mean so he was just he was just randomly pressing buttons on this thing it was mad it's like sometimes if that spins around there and you can hold that one because you don't want that one to go you want to get more like that hold that one hold that spin it again hold that spin that yeah spin that again now i'm on this bit up here yeah spin it around and then you keep you keep telling your mate con's about to pay out don't worry it's about to pay out i remember my friend lee told me his granddad said when he was very young him and his granddad were in a pub watching this guy and then he won he won and so yeah it's just paid out. I've just put someone, my mate's granddad is like, he's been there all afternoon.

He's a degenerate. And that's really, I mean, that's a secondhand story, but it really has stuck with me. Degenerate. Well, as in, what are those games? That's why they weren't in the Ultimate Man, Ultimate Man Land experience in the middle of this leafy cul-de-sac. No, they don't want degenerates.

Do you have to pay to get in? No, no. Just a bar. Yeah, they've got neck oil and a load of lager. Neck oil? Is neck oil? I think it's an IPA, technically. And how much is a pint in there?

Four quid? Four, five pounds? Four quid? Could be 20 quid. They'll pay it. Yeah, because there's nothing. There's no competition that's in their lives no thank you they could be like this in this pint and that guy is 40 english pounds and i'll be like yep because i'm not coming up till six so you were out with this like an abs but what did what how do you find the experience of being near other people our age obviously me and son who largely spend time with men much younger than us in an effort to hide for

work for work to hide amongst and they think they're like oh you're one of us surrounded by men after half your age you were working working man me and chris disappearing to the toilet just smear moisturizer on ourselves and come back out smear moisturizer on their eyes so they can't see you properly i don't like it when you see blokes that are in their 40s out in the town on like a saturday night afternoon do you know what The 40-year-old lads on the lash in the day, it's like a sad sight. It is what I look like when I go out, but like en masse.

I love a dad lash. Dad's on tour. Dad's dad's dad. Do you do many dad lashes, do you? I do. Me and my mates from school have a quarterly dad lash. A quarterly? Yeah.

How are you getting a quarterly night out? Just being a great guy, I guess. He's actually got people around him. Chris, you've got no one up there to go on the lash with. I've got lash mates. Now I've got Dave. We're going on a lash with Dave. Oh yeah, I guess you've got the local pub, haven't you? But not like a night out. But this is, like, I'm hanging out in the local

pub. Like, what I'm talking about is hitting the city centre. Like, if I was spilling out of a web this is specific i'm not on about people of our age just having a little drink and stuff me little what a little brew bar type thing what's this i don't know it's like a plum porter where do they make it just outside lancaster do you know what I mean? I'm having a good time. But if I'm going like, where are we going? We're hitting Walkabout, who all these men in their 40s are like, most of the party have like a zip-neck fleece on.

Do you know what I mean? That's embarrassing. I don't think we should alienate the audience like this. Yeah, and this is exactly, this is two shotgun barrels aimed squarely at everybody that listens to this podcast. And a few exasperated wives. Let's not forget the milfs.

What's been going on in the city, Sunil? I've watched Cats, the film. You've only just watched it? No, not that, the one which is a film of the stage show. Oh. And it's definitely got to be one of the worst things I've ever fucking seen. And you've seen the other one. I haven't seen the other one.

I've never seen Cats. Never seen... Didn't know how bonkers it was. And I had to go and watch it at a cinema for a friend's birthday. And they booked it out. And I was stuck on the end of a road against a wall so I couldn't get out

and I think it was five minutes in and I wanted out and it was just a fucking nightmare. So was this like one of those like I see these

in cinema listings where they have like live from the theatre kind of thing this wasn't like a previously filmed This was filmed in the year 2000 I think.

Did it have Louis Spence in it? No I don't know everyone looked like cats so you can tell. Wow of thing this wasn't like a previously filmed this was filmed in the year 2000 i think did it have louis spence no i don't know everyone looked like cats so you can tell wow that sounds horrible yeah well that's what happens in the city isn't it it's just random songs it's just like the the thing it's based on is a book of random poetry yeah but like the storyline of cat seems to be that all these fucking cats just want to die and they're trying to choose which one gets to die or something and then there's an old one who's got shaky hands or something mr bojangles is that what it's called yeah i saw the cat that cordon played is that magical mr mustafalis but it's mr mustafalis like a satanic style is cats like a faustian style retelling is it a subtext is there a subtext i don't think so not from what i could not through the songs but i thought it was based on a nonsensical poem was it

t.s elliott yeah it's a book of it's like a jukebox musical of poems which is already the worst thing i've ever heard have. You must have seen it a few times. I've seen the one, the film, and we didn't get to the end because it was just horrible. Have you seen any of his other musicals? I have. Who? Who's the... Andrew Lloyd Webber.

He's done that one. I've seen a couple of Josephs. He's done that one where everyone's a train in it. I think I saw everyone's a train in it, Starlight Express. That's done that one where everyone's a train in it. I think I saw everyone's a train in it, Starlight Express. That's really popular in Germany. Is it? I don't know, maybe they're like trains or something. I can't join you on slacking musicals

off. I love a musical. No you don't, you've never talked about this. I do. Go on then, you haven't even seen Cats. I haven't seen Cats, but I've watched, I tell you what, musicals are something that i've come to late in life that via my lovely wife she did musical theater is a hell of a singer and so she's just into i don't like them all i think there's like a type of musical that i don't like

and it's where they sing everything all the time you know i mean it's got like i think it's like maybe a song yeah like a yeah like a traditional musical but alexander hamilton do you know how many essays that guy wrote he he like three guys are writing essays alexander hamilton wrote significantly more essays than the other two that's good i. I like Hamilton. I like Hamilton. There's one called Come From Away. Have you seen that one? Mate, it's about 9-11. He laughed at that.

It's a really interesting story. It's like, you know, when 9-11 happened, there's this old airport in Newfoundland, which was basically kind of old and disused and wasn't really used as much because it was outdated. I can't remember the exact specifics, but a large strip airport on this island. And basically the planes had nowhere to go after 9-11 when no one knew what was going on so all these people all these commercial flights got downed in this same like

windswept remote town towards Canada Ireland and it's I don't know but basically

it's about like those people and that it's brilliant and the music absolutely rocks I can't believe

they made a musical of 9-11 South Park is a music South Park the can't believe they made a musical of 9-11. South Park is a musical. South Park, the movie, is one hell of a musical. Grease. Grease is a hell of a musical. Little Shop of Horrors is brilliant. Little Shop of Horrors.

Do you know what I mean? So this is, what I won't do is join the discourse, put in the boot. Do you know what was really surprising? I went in with my son. We sat in the cinema. I'm like, what's this? To the 9-11 musical what's this 9-11 musical

wonka oh yeah i was like this is gonna be do you know what i mean i was like why the rebooting wonka okay i'll sit through seven minutes in i was like this is masterful and it was brilliant did you like wicked i'm not saying Wicked yet. And it's a shame because my wife, I've got a feeling that I won't, but she like is very connected to the context. So I think we never, we never got to watch it.

It just didn't work out. When I was younger, I don't know about you, but there wasn't a film that I would miss at the cinema. I watched every film at the cinema, you know, when I was about like, it was the thing that I could do on my cinema. I watched every film at the cinema, you know, when I was about like, it was the thing that I could do on my own.

So like when I was about like 15 or something, so I'd go, I'd put, so I pretty much every film that came out. Did you have one of them cards? I think I did for a bit. Yeah. But,

but now it's like, a film's on for like two weeks and you're like, yeah, it's just not going to work out in those two weeks. I'm going to do that. That classic cinema experience of watching a film that was out 30 years ago at a cinema this weekend.

Wait a minute. Let me have a guess. What is it? Attack of the Clones? I picked that number out of the air. I just meant an old film that I could watch on telly. I could watch it on telly, but I'm going to watch it at the cinema.

All right. I'm going to look up what you're going to be watching. I just said the weekend. That could be any time from Friday night to Sunday night. As in what the films were 30 years ago. You could be watching Congo. What's that? What's that?

Congo. Have you not seen Congo? What have you just Googled there, James? 19 films that came out in 1995. Well, it's older than that. So if it's 1995, then I believe it is Jumanji. Yeah. I'd say. That's probably number 10.

Alright. Hold on. No, I'm actually going to watch There Will Be Blood on the big screen. Heard of it? It's by Paul Thomas Anderson. Heard of him? Yeah, something about, is it going to be in a print, in a ratio? Oh yeah, it's like, what is it, 35 or something?

35, I don't even know what that means. How will that affect my viewing it? What millimetres? I think it just means it's shot on film, right? It's the size of the negatives. So what is it smaller then on the screen? 35 millimetres. Yeah, but it's still the same size on the screen, isn't it?

Yes. Yeah. So what's the difference? 16mm is smaller. What's smaller? The negatives. So it's grainier? Probably.

Yeah. All right, cheers, guys. Right. Carry on. Join the cinema, Sonal. Is anything else going on in the city? There's a lot on my shoulders. Yeah, I bought a new pillow. Oh, anything else going on in the city? There's a lot on my shoulders.

I bought a new pillow. Oh, hello. All right, there's that one. I've booked a holiday to see some puffins. What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Iceland. Off the coast of Pembrokeshire.

You're not allowed on the island. You're not allowed to stay on the island, so you've got to get a ferry across. You're allowed to get... Have a look at them.

They give you a ticket and then they give you that air rifle and then they're like there you go 20 minutes do what you want we'll shut our eyes

we'll turn our backs don't you worry school trip all over again yeah they're just they're like they're breeding

like absolutely insanely so I mean you'd be doing us a favour but that's about it I mean basically my life has been preoccupied

by the theft of my car as we talked about in the last episode. I thought also you could smear dog poo on the inside of the bit that they always knock out. Can I just say as well,

like, with all the social media stuff, like, not one person, like, me talking about slime, got a lot of people sort of

chatting about slime, but no, as far as I'm aware, not one person said, I'm sorry that you can't have been stolen so no I know they did message me on Instagram

which was nice yeah just a blank no but what so no one on the Discord said anything about the Lexus I don't think they were fussed about it at all

there is a choose your own adventure sort of side project going on on the Discord oh so they're busy the creamery and I so yeah they are posting it's not that it didn't work right right right okay yeah adventure sort of side project going on on the discord so they're busy the creamery and and i

so yeah they are posting it's not that didn't work right right right okay yeah and i think that the lexus popped up as in one of the options but i don't i don't look in there it seems too terrible the little snippets that i get served as you know my sort of alerts make it seem terrifying in there. And that's your lot. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Rural Concerns. We are fattened and wet by your continued support. If you'd like to go the extra mile,

please consider telling everyone you know about the joy that we bring you. You could also leave us a five-star review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, whatever they call it. And you can also send us an email if you actually have a rural concern. Maybe you like, what's he doing in that field? Getting sucked off. Yeah, someone's getting sucked off. Who's getting sucked off over there under that old tree? You could ask us those questions

by emailing christopher at alovelytime.co.uk. And the best way to support Rural Concerns is by wanging us a few quid on Patreon, and this will help us continue, and you'll also get bonus episodes and access to our online chat community, The Creamery. Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph Bixby-Burrows,

our music is by Samuel Leary, and our artwork is by Poppy Hilstead. Rural Concerns is produced by Egg Mountain for a lovely Time Productions and if you think it's cool to steal cars

from soft looking lads who can't defend themselves then how about you click unfollow because we don't want you listening to this podcast

ouch our artwork is by the fantastic Poppy Hilstead you're popping again. Talk across the mic rather than into it. It would be so kind.

Like this. Yes. Look at that. Hello. Hello. Our artwork is by the fantastic. Our artwork is by the fantastic poppy hilstead perfect first first time it's a lovely head i look at pictures of your head on the internet it makes me believe that

god exists because god wouldn't, because if there is... Because science couldn't come up with it. Science could come up with a perfectly round, perfectly beautiful head. The thing that makes me think God doesn't exist,

hairs around your arsehole. Bong. Like that.