Rural Concerns - Awards, toilet seats & punctuality

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

The boys are torn apart by success. James yearns to hold the trophy, Chris anoints the new Dune and Sunil isn't putting the seat down. Listen up, dweebs! Chris is heading on a tour of the UK with his Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated show, Easily Swayed. He’s off to Gilsland, Edinburgh, Manchester (SOLD OUT), Leeds (SOLD OUT), Leicester, Bristol (SELLING FAST). Grab your tickets, here! Drop us an email at [e-mail] if you have a Rural Concern you’d like discussed! The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than five quids you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Click here to start supporting Rural Concerns today! Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and the music is by Sam O’Leary. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

you're listening to rural concerns an award-winning podcast about three men who live in different parts of the country my name is chris canrell. I live in a small rural community where everyone has a secret to hide. My name is Sunil Patel and I live in London, the cultural home of the gilet. My name is producer James. I live in suburban cul-de-sac and at bedtime, me and my opposite neighbor silently watch each other getting undressed. Nice.

I feel the silently is unnecessary. He might not be silent for all I know. Well, you can't hear him whatever he's doing. That's true. You're double glazed? We are now. I suppose if a neighbourhood perv makes a squealing noise

and there's no one to hear it. And it's in his own bedroom. Is it a crime? It's actually not. You know, you can do what you want in your bedroom. And if people look in, they're allowed to look in.

That's not illegal either. Really? Even if you're on a bus route and you know what you're doing? Absolutely. And I read into that. Was that when you're on the red route i was living on a red route for about a year yeah together we discuss the matters of the day each of our perspectives are shaped by the unique cultural experiences of our living situations for example i will often bang on about you les i'll say stuff like what what's all this about public footpaths, eh?

And I'll often drift off thinking about Mr. Redditch's lovely, I mean, naked body, illuminated by the orange streetlight. And all of this, just for listeners, is written for us by Chris, and we don't have time to read it before we have to say it. Yeah, but you should try and do a cold read, like try and do the words as written and to a high standard. No, no one has to say it. Yeah, but you should try and do a cold read, like try and do the words as written

and to a high standard. No, no one has to do it. There's no job where that involves doing that. If this was on, listen, if this was on the stage, if this was on the theatre.

Yeah, we would have rehearsed it. We would have read it, learnt it. We would have had input into it. It would have been lauded and you've just trampled all over it with your hooves like the big pigs you are.

Right. Fuck it all. Pigs don't your hooves like the big pigs you are. Right. Fucking hell. Pigs don't have hooves. Let's have a good episode. Recording now. Right. It's got an odd energy. But where's this energy come from?

You both came in late just to be clear. You both came in late. I was logged on and then I logged off. Three minutes late. You have to think as then I logged off. Three minutes late. You have to think as well, Sonal. We're not little merry party boys.

You're the ones that set the times, not me. I was sat at a little boy's bed reading him a book and then I'm like sending Nicola increasingly frantic messages being like, we need to do the handover. Well, then we should start at 8.15 or 8.30. Yeah, but you're imagining that children are predictable i don't care no all right similarly we don't care about three minutes right well no one cares then so that's where we are with okay so this is where we are we've just reached the absolute zenith of podcasting. We've won an award for best new podcast, and it's unraveling.

It's unraveling. Like now that fame has entered the equation, it's tearing us apart. Yeah. Podcast Comedy Devotees Best New Podcast was our white album. I've got the little award. I've got it on my shelf. I look at it every morning, and I say, I'm going to try and do better. Are you going to bring it to the live?

Yeah. Can we all touch it? You can touch it. We can take it in turns to have it. James, you could take it home. You can put it on your shelf. You can put it on next to your kids' beds and say, this is why daddy needs a hard eight star.

Yeah, they'll understand that. kids beds and say, this is why daddy needs a hard eight star. Yeah. They'll understand that. Once they realize there's tangible benefits to that. Can I put it next to my two comedy virgins cups? I said to my son when it was bedtime, I said, I said, do you know that your dad has won an award for the best podcast in the

world? And he said, it's just for a good podcast in the country. And I went, it's just for a good podcast in the country. And I went, that's still something. That's still something. Neither's true, but he will not listen to his dad's podcast. He will not. Well, he's a child.

What kind of children listen to podcasts? Future leaders. Joe juniors. Forgive my cough. Let me have some cough medicine. I wondered what you were cracking open a bottle. Honestly, I just assumed it was Gaviscon, so I was going to leave you be.

Own brand. And straight from the bottle. He knows, but he knows this isn't a communal cough medicine. He knows he's doing it tonight. He knows he's doing the full bottle tonight. I had to buy that for a radio record last week i had to rush out in the middle and go and get it from king's cross station horrible stuff i thought cough medicine was supposed to be tasty that's why people get addicted to it it's absolutely disgusting oh dear sorry let me mute

again this what's going on i've had this cough for weeks because of i obviously had covid at some point and there's loads of people in i don't know if you have it where you live, but where loads of people in this have had the same thing, like a bit of a cold and then like a four week cough. Horrible. Yeah, well, some of my changing symptoms. Let me just grab my vape. And straight back into the vaping.

I was just having a laugh. I was just having a laugh with you boys. Oh, thank goodness. Thank goodness. And what a laugh. Yeah, let me just. I was just having a laugh. I was just having a laugh with you boys. Oh, thank goodness. Thank goodness. And what a laugh. Yeah, let me just turn my camera off for a bit. He's going to come back full of ghosts, covered in ghosts. Not today.

Oh my God. No, I was just having a laugh with the boys. He's just having a laugh. He's not got a cough. Oh God. There he goes. What is the sort of communal COVID situation up your way, Chris? I suppose because the children bring it, don't they?

The coughs and colds. Yeah, but my son's school is a notoriously very small school. Do you know what I mean? We're looking at 20 kids, the entire school. All the years. Yeah, all the years years which is great in a lot of ways i think the upshot is basically when we were in manchester he was thrown in we were just getting ready to leave obviously by the time covid came in and he was thrown into like the

local school there which was basically you know like two classes of 30 thrown together for most of the day i'm sure it was fine it was an incredibly stressful time for everybody but when we got here it feels like what we got off the teachers was kind of like they really know who he is and they really there's a lot of understanding of him and basically kind of gets like one-on-one tuition for lots of stuff you know like with his reading and stuff like this so it's sort of been brilliant so in terms of diseases it's quite a small pool and i think that i haven't heard of loads of covid this season well no one's tested anymore really are they yeah that's a problem isn't it i only know i had it because i lost my taste and smell after but it sadly, it was around the time of the sticky toffee pudding trifle.

Oh, no. Yeah. You thought that would just, like, jumpstart it back? See, I'm just spooning in, like, ladles of this flavourless slop. Sugary slop. No, I could taste it. I just couldn't smell anything for ages. I could taste it.

Your vision still dimmed. My vision dimmed. My mind grew smaller, but I still went through it. You have to because it goes off two days after you buy it. I think traditionally it's meant to entertain six to eight party guests. Do you know what I mean? Lots of things are meant to entertain six to eight party guests, but it doesn't always work

out that way does it life gets life gets in the way sometimes do you want furthermore your body mechanically knowing it needs the the sugar the rush of the sugar to get the business to get the day's business done you know i mean it's a little bit of a nightmarish festive images we haven't done a episode since that chat have we we? Since Trifle chat. No, we haven't. Wowee, lots of updates. Oh, really? Well, I guess so.

The problem is we had dinner last week, so we feel like we've chatted. Yeah, we should have recorded that. We should have recorded a little snippet, shouldn't we, just to show them how we are in a restaurant, which is very polite and courteous. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we put you in a door? Absolutely.

I didn't tell you this in the restaurant, but after I went to one of the unisex cubicles, I came back out and the woman that went in after me really stared at me as she walked past our table. And I don't know what I did wrong. I didn't do anything bad in there. I think maybe she was annoyed that I didn't put the seat down,

but that's about it. But it's a unisex. I don't know who's coming in next. Someone who wants the seat down. You should be putting the seat down always to flush. But it was up when I came in. Otherwise it pings out a lot of horrible stuff. But that means the next person's got to touch it ideally yes but when you flush it it means you haven't covered the bathroom with tiny

little bits of whatever yeah but there's loads of other people's whatever everywhere floating about there well don't add to it why not have you seen what happens to a radiator in a room where they don't flood where they don't put the lid on and flush the toilet? A radiator? A radiator. No, go on. It rusts, corrosively rusts. From the piss? Because of the tiny little bits of P and S.

Damn, why don't they clean the radiators then? Well, because they're the sort of person that doesn't even shut a toilet when they're flushing. They ain't going to be a radiator cleaner. What, the restaurant owners? No, the people, humans. Human people? Yeah. Our radiator's

completely unrusted. Chris, what are you doing? He's gone for it. He's gossip girling again. He's back to gossip mode. He's laying on his front again in bed. Right.

So the situation is we're going to come back onto this, onto the meal. We had a meal together to celebrate. But first we're going to talk about boys.

To celebrate. Yeah, like, Greg is an absolute dreamboat, but he always takes me pictures of his feet. No, this is a situation coming into this regard. Nicola is downstairs. She will be watching The Traitors with our friend Andy, who makes tray bakes. So I'm basically in the bedroom,

which means I get to sort of sit on the front of the bed I was going to lie on my front and as I did it I got my leg caught I got trussed up in my own headphone cable and I was desperately trying to sort that out until someone drew attention to it. Well you were clanking around

with your back to us and I just I thought you were in trouble you might have got it round your neck and choked yourself out you never know that's what happens not as anyone actually any podcast has anyone died by podcasting pretty sure they have but no one's listened to it i guess did i cheer in a podcast there's so many weird podcasts out there that have just you know like you know if you like good like the great thing about podcasters it's like there is a big money is coming and ruining it but in terms of access still very you pay an amount of money like whether it'll get picked up is

whether a podcast will and just this is not a good position i think it's a bad breathing position for you as well because you've got a general drool yeah why as well. It's very bad. Because you've got to prop yourself up. And general drool. Yeah. Why don't you lie on your back? Ah, God. Uppy gets up. That was a bit of a heave up, wasn't it? Why don't you lie on your back? Like.

Oh. All right. I'm sitting in a neutral adult position now. Chris, do you have a desk or a table in the house? Yeah, but not in my bedroom. Yeah, but you've got like 25 rooms in that house. Yeah, but I still haven't sorted out the little internet cable to the top of the house properly.

You just need to buy a big spool of Cat24. I've got Cat24 up in the bed james this is i've got cat 14 i just haven't got to connect it into because i'm missing a dongle and my motherboard's on fire not the motherboard i cannot go into this motherboard thing again we've got so much to get through this episode my internet's gone oh Oh, fucking hell. Let's go back. Let's be efficient with time. Let's go back to the meal.

One week ago. Yeah, right. What's the piss doing on the radiator then? Right, not there, but in general, if you don't put the lid on the toilet when you flush. I don't think that's true, James. I mean, that'd be industrial quantities of piss spraying every day. It doesn't need to be.

A tiny little bit of it, because it's enzymes and stuff, isn't it? There's extractor fans, there's windows, there's, you know. Not in regular folks' houses. Was it in Somerset or Devon?

Might have been. Because they just drink like this mad cider down there, don't they? It makes the piss acid. It makes the, I'm from Somerset. Right. It makes the piss acid.

Does it? Acid piss. Burns through the bladders. It doesn't, James, it doesn't, obviously it doesn't make your piss acid. Does it? Acid piss. Burns through the bladders. It doesn't. James, it doesn't. Obviously, it doesn't make your piss acid. Is it the new... Does the same as ketamine?

Piss is quite corrosive anyway, in general, for everyone. So it's not a specifically West Country thing to have corrosive piss. So this was a great meal. But maybe she recognised you. Maybe she was a customer of a high street bank and she was furious. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. No, I thought it was a great meal. But maybe she recognised you. Maybe she was a customer of a high street bank and she was furious. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

No, I thought it was the piss thing. But okay, yeah, it could be the fact that she recognised me. I think it might have been the fact that I kept having to shush Chris from saying in quite a loud voice, you're seeing the second plane hit the second tower. What was he talking about there then? I don't know, but he kept saying it. I was discussing the second tower. What was he talking about there then? I don't know, but he kept saying it. I was discussing the live show.

Also, also, I got annoyed because every time someone came into the restaurant, they rang, they like banged a little drum and it was fine.

It was just beginning to annoy me by the end. And we've been such good gentlemen in terms of sitting there at the door. Oh, we were so good. Yeah. We were taking that, we were taking the bunt of the door draft to protect

everybody else. It was a lovely night. It was a great night, James. I don't know why you're absolutely clearly livid. Furious. What are you furious about? I don't know. Oh, right, right. We had a lovely night and we all left quite early, which was quite lovely as well. Yeah. It wasn't a late one. Eight o'clock

we were out of there, weren't we? You split off to buy some books? I had to head off to WH Smith at Victoria Train Station to buy some historical fiction. From a station smiths? Yeah, that's where you buy the best historical fiction. They definitely have it in stock there, yeah. If they have it in stock.

They definitely do. It's called Fatherland by Robert Harris. Thank you. Did Robert Harris write Conclave? He did. Which, have you seen it yet? Mamma mia, that's a film. It's a good film, isn't it?

It's a film for adults. It's a film for adults. It doesn't give you all the information. You have to piece it together. It's totally subtle. It's twists and turns. No, no, but not in a way. No, it's good.

But past the right so with the Pope being selected I know that he's smoke coming out of the chimney I know that bit but past that point

I didn't really know anything and I don't understand the inner machinations of the Catholic Church the film does not stop at the beginning and say this is the conclave

which consists of all these cardinals da da da da da it was like yeah Ray Fives doesn't look at the camera and go, bet you're wondering how I got here. But see over the course of the,

over the film, it's like you figure out the hierarchies and who's where and stuff like that. It was just, I went to watch it with Amy Gladwell and I like with 10 minutes in, I was like, this is delicious. It looks beautiful as well, doesn't it?

It's so beautifully shot. I, I actually, sadly, I was like, this is delicious. It looks beautiful as well, doesn't it? It's so beautifully shot. I actually, sadly, I went to the silver screening. So it's a sort of Tuesday afternoon thing that's reserved. Not reserved, but it's like, come to this if you're over 60 or pensioner, you know. Do they have sugary tea instead of Coke in the machines? No, it's not your traditional pensioners. What it is, is some of the worst people in the area who are just old but do you go in you don't want to be doing that man because you'll go in

they won't be like going why are you in here young whipper staff and i'll be like come in sir can we get you a blanket and then we do everything that we do is fighting against that realization you know you'll be like jack nicholson in one fleww Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Like, you won't actually be able to get out. And then, spoilers, a big giant will kill you. I hadn't seen it. Spoilers. Oh. I said spoilers.

That's Return of the King. That's the Hobbit, Return of the King. So, there was, I take this reminds me of a story when me, and because we've got this this in the village hall, we've got this stage that was lobbied by the drama group and they bought this brand new stage to put up to do the productions. It's good. But there's only about three people that know how to put it up, which is me, my neighbor, Tom, my father-in-law, Malcolm,

who lives up the road. basically well whenever there's an event me and malcolm will often have to dip down and put it up and pack it down but basically we had to do it we we there was an event i think it was a school nativity on the evening and in the morning we're like let's just leave it till morning we came back to take it down but on the morning when we came in which must have been like like Monday morning or Friday morning or whatever, or Tuesday morning or Wednesday morning or Thursday morning, you know, like these are just days of the week. One of the days of the week.

One of the days of the week. And we went in, but it was basically, there's a group that meet weekly called the Coffee Morning. And the Coffee Morning is basically a conclave. I don't know whether that's the right use of the term, but it's a gathering of senior citizens. And they just have a cup of coffee in an attic. It's somewhere for them to be, you know what I mean?

So they're just sitting. And basically, my father-in-law's in his early 70s, but he's a very, he's got like more energy than any man I've ever met. For me, he embodies the word spry. Yeah, he's a cheeky chap. He's like, we'll go out. And I was basically, he ran much further and longer than I did. And it really was a kick in the teeth to be like,

I need to up my game a little bit. But we went in and we were taking the thing down. And they said, the people of the coffee morning said to him, they were like, oh, Malcolm, stay with us. Have a cup of coffee. And he went went he nearly sat down and knew it sorry i've got to get on do this and then when we were leaving i said don't ever sit down in that group because if the minute the minute you do you're like you'll be

done they'll put a blanket on you and you'll never leave so just keep fighting keep fighting don't don't ever slow down don't let people slow you down. Steamroller over them. Yeah, exactly. Burn. What's that quote that's in Interstellar? Fight the night. It's burning. It's burning bright.

Come on. Don't go slowly. What? Rage against the... Do not go gentle in that good night. Rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light. This is really what this podcast is, isn't it? Yeah.

Half a member of poetry. And you having a pop-up, people who live within 100 metres of you and listen to this podcast. Shout out to Doris. Who've had a pop-up? All the people in the coffee morning. No, I was just saying don't sit down with them. Because they'll drain the life from you.

Hang on, Chris. Wasn't it your birthday recently? Oh, yeah. Speaking of the life draining away. Right. So we had the meal. We had the meal. I think that is locked off perfectly there. I think that was as concise as we get.

We had a meal. Everyone was polite and nobody was rude. Secondly, yeah, it's my birthday. Happy birthday. I forgot to text you that. Secondly, yeah, it's my birthday. Happy birthday. I forgot to text you that. Yeah, but I keep it low key now. Do you know what I mean? There's no...

I asked you three times and you told me and I forgot. I think it was the day after. Oh, was it the day after our meal? It was Sunday the 12th of January. Oh, God, I was doing nothing. Yeah, but it was a very lucky birthday did you what did you go see conclave no conclave is very much the 2025 june if we're honest so you really that's early to be calling that have you seen it you know superman comes out this year yeah but that

won't be june superman will be superman conclave is not june i saw moana 2 oh oh is that good there's no moana 1 moana 1 is exceptional moana 1 i like i i've sat i've watched moana 1 many times that and the one that comes out of nowhere zootropolis that's got a sequel coming out this year as well. Yeah, Zootropolis is a banger. Quite a complex storyline. It's basically like, it's an old fashioned, what's it called? Gumshoe noir thriller, but dressed up with all these colourful animals.

I'm just getting voice notes, not voice notes, but I've just had two messages that I can see that David Lynch has sadly passed away. But also they've also, they've just released news about the Nintendo Switch 2, and I'm locked into a podcast recording. Where are you getting these messages from? What nerds are sending you this?

My friend, Jack, who got me scammed on Kirby. Oh, was he the one? He's the one. He talks about computer games with me. Oh. How did he get you scammed? He talks about computer games with me. Oh, how did he get you scammed? He talked about computer games with you and that ignited a fire. Yeah, he just got me too excited about Kirby. So I had to go in and then I got scammed.

So have you now received the game? Do you need to walk back any statements that you made last episode? No, not been, not happened, but basically as well, because we were talking about like we're talking about me getting scammed listen to the last episode if you want a very bleeped version of that and please don't make me have to bleep again i thought there would be public out power of support for me but it's the same episode where someone talked about an expensive trifle that he had so basically everyone that has contacted us on any from is like just going deep on the questions

about what is a trifle no one has said i'm sorry you were scammed not one person the only thing is no my friend andy who lives in the village basically said kind of the same thing happened to him with logs you know like wood firewood so he got scammed basically the same way but he got big city boy found this country rube yeah two country like basically andy is in the country so maybe it's a country thing that since i've moved here i've become susceptible to big city scammers anyway so i thought somebody would have said i'm sorry you got scammed but alas it wasn't to be everyone just wants to argue passionately about the origins of the trifle i mean someone seemed to be saying that i was in the wrong for saying that bernoffi was like a trifle yeah i but i don't know if you could say when there's

discussion like that i'm always you know i can smell it like a shark smelling blood in water you know someone's going after james so i instantly put my Doc Martens on and go booting. Quite right. On James? On James. Oh, joins in, joins in. Sorry. But what is the sponge element of the banoffee pie?

The biscuits. It's not a sponge, is it? No, it's not a sponge, but it's like, it's an analogue. Thank you. It's the carb medium. Thank you very much. And then you've got your fruit. I've just written down the word engagement.

I don't know why. I need to increase it at all costs. I'm glad I didn't put across my tiramisu view. What's your tiramisu view? Go on. It's the same one. It's the same type of thing. They're all the same family.

They're all cousins. You're saying that's just an Italian trifle, is it? But's what we said isn't it we said trifle tomas who's the italian cousin and then you added and then you added banoffee pie yeah and and that's what everyone put the boot in on you was it unbelievable the chocolate the crunched up flake that's your hundreds and thousands cream's cream the boiled up condensed milk is jelly. Fruit is fruit. My mum was blown when I found out that sticky toffee pudding's dates. Sorry, say again?

Sticky toffee pudding is made out of dates. What do you mean? Just mashed up and some flour. What, toffee is? What do you mean? What's made out of dates? Are we just guessing? Where are the dates? Sticky toffee pudding, the primary component is sticky toffee and pudding. It's dates, my friend. Where are the dates in Sticky toffee pudding, the primary component... Is sticky toffee and pudding. Is dates, my friend.

Where are the dates in the sticky toffee pudding? They're the sauce. James is tapping away. You're saying the toffee sauce is made of fruit. You can get fucked. Okay. We're going to go with BBC Good Food. Yeah, what are they saying?

Ultimate sticky toffee pudding recipe. Oh. Control F, date. In the ingredients, you need 225 whole medjool dates. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That can't be right. But that isn't the toffee sauce. What's that then?

The toffee sauce is sugar, butter and cream. Well, I'm going to go for Nigella Lawson. Oh God, I'm sure she uses dates. She obviously uses dates. Yep, she does use dates. Well, this is news to me and Nigella Lawson. Oh God, I'm sure she uses dates. She obviously uses dates. Yep, she does use dates. Well, this is news to me and I'll take back what I said. Is that all right, Chris? I think that, yeah, but this is like the sort of,

this is a proper sticky toffee pudding that has like bits of bits in it. The bits in the pudding are dates, but the sort that you or I, I'm guessing you or I would buy, but I don't know actually, because you've got some pretty high end mary berry does a no date one yeah the sort that one gets in the little plastic pot that you put in the microwave with the melting middle that ain't got dates in it that's never seen fresh no no but that is genuinely one of the most mind-blowing things i've learned in a long time. It's big date base. Big date base.

Big date is involved in sticky toffee and puddings. Big date have got sticky fingers into it. That's disgusting. Imagine that. That's countries where you can go up into the trees and get them for free. Here he goes. Oh no, I've lost that one. They're free.

Like you can go into the land to get potatoes. can go up into the trees to get the dates. This is a gift. A gift from the Sheikh. What country are you getting potatoes and dates? No, no, let's keep this moving. Because he's not... He's not making sense. So, Sunil, you've got lots of things on the agenda.

We've talked about... Tazia, buying a new boiler. Not that. That's not that interesting. But it is actually very easy buying it. buying a new boiler. Not that, that's not that interesting. But it is actually very easy buying, getting a new boiler for mother. I chose my words carefully there because I'm not buying it for her.

I'm trying to sort it, I'm trying to speak. And then you're doing the admin for her, basically. You can't buy her a new boiler. Yeah, I can, but she doesn't need me to. No, but you can,

you're doing adverts and stuff and films. Yeah, but what kind of present, what kind of present is a boiler it's just looking after your mother yeah well all right fine i'll pay for the boiler well if you are my mother listening to this i cannot afford to buy you a boiler no but this is what's interesting right i i all my life in that house i always thought i knew where the boiler was turns Turns out that wasn't the boiler. It was just a tank of hot water. So I started researching, where is the boiler in this house?

Because my mum was like, I think it's that tank. And I'm like, that's not the boiler. That's an old school boiler system, isn't it? It's so old that it's behind the fireplace, right? And it's this old thing called a back boiler. So I googled, what is a back boiler? And there was an article on a boiler website which said the only houses you find back boilers in

are those of the dead or the dying, because they're that old. Fuck, that's a bleak one. It is a bleak thing to read, yeah. But it is because it's never been changed from when my family moved in there in the 80s. Are they dying of some sort of CO2 poisoning or anything? Oh, good.

No, no, no. It's because they're so old that only really old people have them now. I see. Because weirdly, they were so incredibly reliable. They never really broke down. So no one ever replaced them, but they're just very inefficient now.

So in order to replace the boiler, got to get rid of the fire. Got to kill your mum. Got to remove the fireplace, find the boiler behind it, take it out, and then find another space for a boiler somewhere else because you can't have a boiler behind the fireplace.

Are you going to go... Now, Sunil, you lied. That was interesting. Okay, go on. You're going to ask me, Combi, aren't you? But now it gets boring. Are you going to go now Sunil you lied that was interesting okay go on you're going to ask me combi aren't you but now it gets boring are you going to go

combi now combi standard or system yes that's very interesting I think combi will be now again Sunil

you've lied again this is not interesting I never said it was you just literally just did okay this is interesting no this is no it's the other way around the dead or dying bit and the boiler hidden behind the fireplace fascinating

here's a question for you as middle-aged homeowners yes what kind of boilers do you have in your massive houses a brand new one that we had to get two weeks ago during that cold snap what is it because our other boiler died yes we did not have time to make a choice. I had no time to research heat pumps. My fingers were shaking too much from the cold. Yeah, exactly. Chris, combi? You've probably got a bigger one. I think we have a combi, but it's an oil... We use oil as opposed to...

We'd have gas mains, so we get oil delivered. Where'd you put it? It goes into... Oh God, we haven't even touched on this. It goes into a tank at the back of the house and is delivered. Have you got a tank for sewage as well? No, thank God.

We're on the mains, although we're having problems with that, which we've talked about. Do you ever feel like there's a presence in the room with you when there isn't? And sometimes you hear a crying at night and it isn't related to anyone. Is it me thinking about all the repairs I have to do at my house?

No, the last, the only other person I knew that had a big tank oil tank thing like that also had ghosts. And I think the two were slightly connected. Well, it's an old tank country, old house. It's mad you're burning oil. That's mad. Have you got a snag? What's the point of you cleaning your, you keep banging on about your yoghurt pots.

You're burning actual oil. Yeah, but what the, it's one of those things where it's like, we will go to, you know, like the phone companies are like, we're going to switch off the, we're going to switch off the landline and you're going to have to use an internet one.

But the, like, if they don't do a backup service, like what are we meant to do? Do you know what I mean? Heap up. Heap up. Yeah, I don't know, to be honest with you. What is a heap up? I don't even understand it.

Why is it 20 grand? I don't, and I want to stop talking about this because it's making me stressed out. Okay, what they do, they dig a hole big enough to get through the mantle of the earth. Is that what it is? Just that was all I wanted to know. I said something like that.

I think it's something to do with the latent heat of underground. That can't be right because the ground, I'm telling you now, the ground is cold. Yeah, but right underneath, but underneath the ground

it gets really hot. No, it's not. I've never dug a hole and steam come up. Very good point. They don't dig it though, but they dig a hundred miles down to hit lava to get you an ice.

Come on, James. Yeah, it's like, have you ever played the game Minecraft? No. I'm very familiar with Minecraft. It's basically that. They just get you a bucket of lava. Well, that's why it's 20 grand, is it?

You see, they spend it well. You have done us a cruelness picking on two lads who don't know what they're talking about me i know i'm just all right shall i get a combi boiler for the mother i think so the only thing is my the guy that did some plumbing for us last week just kept saying but he kept saying my boy was good it's working well he said he kept saying he repeated it good. It's working well. He said, he kept saying, he repeated it several times, that he could power the QE2. And I was like,

he said it like four times. He went, so I was like, I'll take that as a, do you know what I mean? I was like, three barrels of oil a day, he gets. It's just part of the,

it's just part of the parcel. If I could, do you know what I mean? What, what can I do? There's probably something putting out on this podcast. Yeah. Maybe our rubbish correspondent from Australia will have some opinions.

God, they're all rubbish correspondence. Everybody's got an opinion on, everyone's talking about the, the two topics that have, you know, like the two nodes that have been erogenousized by this podcast. Rubbish and trifles.

Like, this is the listenership. Well, could someone suggest me a boiler as well? Elderly diabetics. Right. Please, listeners. So many times Sunil has been there for you with recommendations. Actually, there's two things I need.

First of all, are companies such as Heatable and Boxed good for replacing a boiler? Secondly, I need some new cutlery because Helen's moving out. What cutlery shall I get? Cheers. But I've heard a story about you when you lived on your own that sort of beggars belief. A mutual friend of ours, I won't say exactly who. Shout out Amy Gledhill. She came out to your house and you had, you were living, belief a mutual friend of ours i won't say exactly who shout out amy gladhill she came

back to your house and you had you were living this is before you lived with helen you had one chair yeah one plate yeah one knife for fuck and they went amy came you gave her a slice of pizza and a fruit bowl yeah you're living pure utilitarianism yeah well that bowl now is a source of contention because helen wants to take it with her. She loves that bowl so much. She wants that bowl in her new flat. And I'm saying to her, I bought that bowl at a particularly lovely time in my life when all I had was, well, just an empty flat to furnish.

And I went to Robert Dias and I bought that bowl and it's a good fucking bowl and you're not having it. It's a Bobby Diaz original. It's a Bobby Diaz original. It's a Bobby Diaz original. But you need to like leverage it. You need to leverage it. Or just get another one for $2.99 because they're not going to,

they're not ever going to stop selling that bowl. That is the perfect pasta bowl. And you can also use it for soups and pizza. It turns out pizza slices. It turns out you can just pile it up with pizza slices. Pizza slice curved in yeah don't cook it properly make sure it's a bit sloppy as well

yeah if you want to get, the tip is the hot tip, if you're going to get a pizza slice in a bowl, you can't be cooking that for, not like a Dr. Oetker do you know what I mean? no you're not getting an Oetker you're getting one of those big

stuff called Chicago Towns. That'll go in. Nice, spongy. And if you overcook it, remember to dip it in water before you slide it into that bowl. But I was desperately trying to get us back to we're going to be camping together, Chris,

aren't we? You guys going camping without me? I think you've got the opportunity to camp but have turned it down because we're going to France no

Wales Wales Wales oh have you for MacFest yes I didn't know you were camping James

I'm camping I'm bringing my big James he's not camping he's inside a building no no no no no no no no no

something else James just ignore it's a little boffy that's what it is He's not camping. He's inside a building. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Something else. James, just ignore it. It's a little boffy. That's what it is. It's basically a little outdoor. It's basically a little outdoor indoor building. It's got walls and a roof. It's not camping.

It's got a little sofa bed in it. That's all it is. What? Yeah, James, do you understand what he's done? He's told you you're sitting in his garden underneath a bit of plastic. No, no, no, no, no. This is not what's happening.

Go on then. What's happening? Am I getting invited in? This is year three that I've stayed. I stay on this farm in Wales at the top of this hill and I go in and I sort of know him a little bit and they're farmers and they're really funny

and they just sort of said, what's his name? Nick. I got out of my car and he went, hello, how's the career going? I went,

well, I'm still staying with you, aren't I? So, like, do you know what I mean? We're having a laugh. Don't change your subject.

Where's James staying? I feel like I'm, you've got friends who are farmers and then you lure unsuspecting other people And you've told them there

and I've been lured 50-50 we'll get some idiots in sit in your garden do what you want to them You're not both going camping James is going camping I'm going camping near Chris who isn't camping

But I'll be able to open the curtains of our little boffet Curtains Curtains in your little camping outfit Go on We'll be very close geographically and i think that's enough listen the truth is that there are no there's no accommodation at this festival it's there is james i'm staying at the aborist with premier in you can get a lift

there and back with me if you yeah but cha-ching if you put if you're throwing around patel money what are you talking about it's like 80 quid. Everyone's going to be mobbing it now. You've given out your address, foolishly. We don't know which night I'll be there. That's true. Buy tickets for Rural Concerns. Yeah, they're nearly sold out. Are they?

Chris, when are your shows on the weekend? I've got one. I'm doing it at seven o'clock, I think, on a Friday night. I'm doing my previous Edinburgh show. Saturday, we're doing it. And that's nearly sold out, World Concerns Live. And then on Sunday, I'm doing a whip, which I don't know what it'll be yet. But the title is Like a Butter.

No, what have I called it? Like a Bullet Through Margarine. That's a cool name, isn't it? I don't know what it means. Yeah. That really is like. I don't know what it means yet. But I've got jokes I'm going to talk about. Well don't know i want to think about the new i'm excited to think about the

new thing now i think it's going to be about secrets and puzzles but that's all i'm willing to say but we've got a show on and there are still tickets for sale yeah but do you know it's on last few i don't know what that means it means last last few. What do you think last few means? Do you want to... Let's just take a step back. I don't know. What's the capacity of the venue? It's only small.

Okay, so it could be six? No, no, no. 12? 20%? Is it the last 20%? I don't know what the actual figure is. I don't know what you two are on about. What do you mean?

No, I'm just trying to help James understand what last few means. Well, I understand the concept of last few, but percentage wise, is it like three, which would be 5%, which you'd say is that's quite a lot, 5%. It's 40. So we're nearly at 40. And if it's a percentage... Last few is a third. No, we don't know the percentage. We're just saying the capacity is 40. Oh, well then, oh. I'm staying just on the Friday night. Right. Well, what time are you doing the show?

On Friday, it's 9pm. Would I feasibly be able to break into your bothy and barricade myself in? Well, I've given you where I'm going to be. Yeah, big time. Right, I'm going to be. Yeah, big time. Right, I'm going to do coup de town of Bothy. Do you want to lift up, James? Yeah, maybe I should, actually.

I was going to like, we can't top and tail. You're too big, James. That's just the truth of it. Well, actually, I've got a really good blow up bed thanks to Sunil's recommendations. Some of us like to help other people on the podcast. I have a secondary question. Is there an ace, is there a plug in your bothy?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been plugging stuff in my bothy all day long. Whoa. What? You've got an electric fried bothy. I don't think you know what a bothy is, Chris. What you've got is a house. You've got, it's got a little telly in it. You've got unlimited... It's got a telly. Shut up. It's chris what you've got is a house you've got it's got a

little telly in it you've got a limited shut up it's got a little boffy no it's a listed boffy but like a little one it don't have i have to leave to go to the toilet it's just got a short throw projector that's all don't worry about that right well i'll be pumping up my bed in the Bothy and then I'll be stealing your bed. I will give you a tour. A tour of the Bothy? Of the countryside, of the Welsh hills, the mountains. Are you going to be driving down? Big time.

He's driving me down. I park my car up at the farm where I stay and then I walk in and out and it's a bit of a mad walk because it's dark and it's up a literal mountain. I was thinking on the day of the podcast, all three of us do donuts around the car park before we start in our individual cars. That sounds cool. That does sound cool. That sounds cool.

Get like upset the festival organisers and the townsfolk, like an absolute double whammy. And the dash cam footage will be worth it. Yeah, that's our ticket. That's our ticket. thank you for listening to rural concerns in a world where everyone's really busy creating ai babes it really means a lot that you take the time to listen to the show and if you'd like to go the extra mile it'd be really brilliant if you could drop us a five-star review on spotify or apple podcasts to help us trick the algorithm into showing us favor. If you, that's how we live. But I think if you went back to a man in the 40s and said, oh, we have to try and think about what we need to do to impress,

like a computer, that's how everybody lives just day to day. I think he'd shoot himself with his service right arm, you know? So there we go. Something to think about for sure. Yeah. And that is the script as written. Please make sure it's a five-star review. Otherwise, we're left to hear that again.

How does that make sense, Chris, as a script? Don't reference it as a script. People don't know. All right, go on then, Chris. Say what you want to. It's on the next page, what you want to say. Well, what happens if it's not a five star review? We'll post you a jiffy bag

full of fire ants. And if you have a rural concern which you would like us to discuss, you can email us at christopheratalovelytime.co.uk Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph Target Eliminated Burrows. Our music is by Sam O'Leary.

Our artwork is by Poppy Hilston. All Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Lovely stuff. That's another great recording. Yeah, let's give ourselves a round of applause. Thanks, Joe, as well. Sorry.

We really need that leak update in the next one. Well, I don't see why a child can't listen to joe rogan as is really there's a lot of good info there is there do you listen to the journal do you listen to the general podcast no i'm not a spotify subscriber i think that's the only way you can do it isn't it i don't i don't know about that i've only heard it in snippets. Yeah. And it all constantly sounds like he's about to ask for pictures of that spider menace. That what? That spider menace. What's that?

J. Jonah Jameson reference. Right. From Spider-Man. The film Spider-Man. All right, well, look, there's nothing wrong with a bit of Rogan for kids. That's what I'm saying they need to be exposed to this early James he's doing

much what Rogan does he's taking the opposite side which he thinks will lead to generous debate but actually just makes him sound

like an idiot bong like that