Rural Concerns - Cameras, wasps & a selfish settee

Episode Date: July 1, 2025

Sunil throws his toys out of the pram, Chris campaigns passionately on behalf of all artists and James finally gets his hands on the Nintendo Switch 2. The lads also try to improve their social media game with calamitous results.  If you want to experience the full force of Rural Concerns Live, you can grab tickets to our Manchester show at Fairfield Social Club on 22nd November.  Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. We promise we’ll be very kind! The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. "Have you ever thought maybe we’re getting stuff too right?" Sunil Patel 

Hello and welcome to Rural Concerns, the podcast that will prove beyond doubt that three middle-aged lads rambling on and on and on is the highest form of entertainment in human history. I am Sunil Patel. I'm a Londoner with a keen interest in criminal justice. I spend my time in this city fighting crime by watching Instagram reels and tutting at the state of it. Hello, I am Chris Canchill and I live in the countryside where I also have a keen interest in criminal justice. I spend my time here following literars around. When I confront them, my voice goes all high pitched and I sound like a lady. I'm producer James. I live in the suburbs and my keen interest in criminal justice has led me to start an Instagram account called England has fallen, where I respond to the

news of the disposable vape ban with a picture of a dead lion draped in a union jacket created by AI. vape ban with a picture of a dead lion draped in a union jacket. Do you know what I mean? That's a real picture as well. Them fucking gods. Man, government taking them disposable vapes away from us. Terrible. No, no, no, no. Let's start a podcast and let's bring back disposable vapes.

Let's get on record. You're echoey. Is your mic on? Mic's on. It's miles away from my head though. Is that better? Quiet, a bit quieter, a bit quieter. I'm not going to be quieter. I'm going to be louder. Why? I don't know why. Are you looking at us now? Now I am.

Really? You've done a lovely job with this new camera. Unfortunately, you've got a lot of light coming in behind your head. Now I can't say the computer. So now I'm like, listen, look at my face. Listen, don't worry, don't panic. This is a fine and normal episode. Hello. So now I can, if I look here, I can see you too.

But if I look here, but now I'm back lit by my light. This is like, this is, it's like the tail, this is the tail of, this is the tail of the old lady that ate the fly to solve atomic issues. Have you been looking up other metaphors, Chris, since last week? Don't get him started until we've sorted the camera out. Please don't get him started until we've sorted the angles out. But honestly, I feel it's like Marginal Gates. we've sorted the camera out. Please don't get him started until we've sorted the angles out.

I feel it's like marginal gains. We are. Chris, I'm looking at the screen and then the camera. You need to be looking at both at the same time. I'm looking at you. I'm looking at the red dot of a flashing webcam and I'm imagining yours too's faces. It's fine. It works. You've told me that I can't have a window in. I'm trying to juggle. There's no light on your face anymore. So that's dark. Don't juggle. Let's not juggle. That's bad for podcasting. I mean, I understand light does move quicker than sound, but I don't think he's got enough time to whip his head round from looking

at the camera to looking at the screen. You know what I mean? What are you looking at now? He's not even looking at neither the screen. Guys, welcome to Mobile Concerns. If this is your first episode listening to Mobile Concerns, this is fine. I want you to know that this is just okay. This is other podcasts have created an illusion that like, you know, it's like Stand Up Live at the Apollo. have created an illusion that, that like, you know, it's like a standup at live at the Apollo created a, an impression of standup in the mines that was, it was perfectly formed, you know, like a, like a sleek machine, there's no human error.

And it's like, this is what podcasts, this is the illusion of trying to establish over the years that things are slick, but sometimes this happens. Sometimes you get a guy looking at his webcam. trying to establish over the years that things are slick. But sometimes this happens. Sometimes you get a guy looking at his webcam. And a light now, and now a light. Looking directly at a light for some reason too. Recording in the daylight. You will be shocked how lit this room is

to say that we're recording in the daylight. James, can you turn him down a bit? Don't turn me down. Keep me up. Do not censor. Do not censor the working class. He's got three PCs. I've got. Do not censor. Do not censor the working class. He's got three PCs. I've got three PCs on the go. Wait a minute. I'm going to move around.

I'm not saying that doesn't make you work in class, but I mean, I don't know many people with three PCs in general. Look at that. It's like, it's close up. This is an audio first medium. Jodie Sanchez. This is an audio first medium, Chris. An audio first medium. Podcast, it's all about video. It is moving to video now, which is why we've tried to move with the times and, you know, up our game video wise. And do an Instagram reel. And it has, it's

been the number one issue that has brought us close to falling out. And so like the, the closest thing that we've had to stop in this podcast us close to falling out and to like the, the closest thing that we've had to stop at this podcast is trying to figure out Instagram reels. It feels like nothing's worth the effort of putting out Instagram reels. Is that, is that fair? No, I think it's all right. The problem is that I don't actually have to do any of it. So I, any feedback I give is like, I'm telling my employees to do better. Yeah. So no message me privately to be like, I've got these, I've got these opinions on as reals and it was about graininess and lighting, which, and there were good

points, but, and it's a nice thing to ask just to be like, I don't know, I'm self-conscious about it shows. I care. Yeah. And it's good. I'll tell you what, it's good to have an extra pair of eyes when we are in the minds of trying to figure out subtitles. Speaking of which, Chris, what there is nowadays, there is an AI eye replacement, but you've

got to keep your head pointing forward. But if you keep your head pointing forward like that and you just look over to the screen with your little side eyes, we can replace those eyes for the actual thing with AI, but you got to keep it. We can't replace your head. You've got to keep your head pointing forward. Are you joking? This feels like a prank, you know? No, you can replace your eyes. There might be puppies' mouths.

I can't sit perfectly still for 45 to 59 minutes. For 45 to 59 seconds. Do you know in my ideal world how these recordings would go? One, I'm stood up. Oh right. Oh yeah, that was meant to be a thing that came in with the new office. I know, but it's dribs and drabs. In my ideal world, there would be peace in the Middle East.

We should probably just end the podcast now. Yeah, actually. Was it something about no walls, wasn't it, from you Chris normally? Standing up podcasting. That's the path. That's the path. Those are the two main takeaways. That's James's forbidding us. Don't even bother. I'll just replace your eyes. Don't replace my eyes. Well, let's start with the podcast. Just as a quick point of order, I've upgraded my internet and I'd like to do a live speed test.

I'm on the wrong internet. Wait a minute. Can I get on the correct internet? Do you have my old results? Is it on a spreadsheet somewhere? Yeah, it's in there. I don't want it. Can you look it up, Chris? No, but I could maybe ask, I could maybe ask just... That's all right. I'll just, let's just, I don't know if you guys want to do it at the same time as me. I do, but I know I'm on my bad internet. I had to move because I was talking into the wrong cupboard. RILEY Speeds, Sunil. Oh-ho!

ALICE What was it? RILEY 19th of November, 2024, was when you were last recorded as saying it, and you are in 49th place. Also known as last place. In a bit to improve that I'm going to run this speed test now. Okay. I'm going to click run speed test. Okay. Go for it. Oh, it's looking a lot better.

Oh, that's these numbers are good. Are they? Middle of the day. So let's not forget it's middle of the day in London. Lots of going on. A lot of people use an internet, I think. Okay. I'm ready.

Yeah, I'm on the wrong internet for this. Go on. Okay. What were my old figures again? Have you got the actual numbers or was it just last place? Guess... He's lost his internet. He froze. This couldn't be more perfect. My internet's gone. Oh, fucking hell.

It couldn't be more perfect. I wasn't sure if he was doing the, like, he was trying to stay still so I could replace his eyes easily afterwards. But he had just frozen. I seem to have won by default. Weirdly, given that, like, how chirpy and energetic Chris is, he's the only one that we cannot tell whether he's buffering or not. Right.

Because sometimes he does just freeze. Oh, he's back. Here he comes. I turned my Wi-Fi off to force it to use the hard wire, but that bit's not working now. Again, it's like I've got the camera working this time. Yes. Again, we're in similar territory to, there was this old lady, you probably have heard of her, she swallowed a fly.

To sort out the fly, she swallowed like a hard line ethernet cable. That wriggled and jiggled and jiggled inside her. Yeah, so she basically gets bigger and bigger. So I'm on Wi-Fi. Yeah, so am I. Yeah, same here. So this is it. So this is Chris Wi-Fi on, I'm on wifi. Yeah, so am I. Yes, same here.

So this is it. So this is Chris, wifi. Are we ready? Yep. A prep theme, the internet's gone sting now. I'm gonna have a cup of tea while it clocks in. Oh, I'm at the very top of my house and even this is about.

When you're ready, I'll tell you my figures. I'm just waiting for the download to firm up. Oh, there he goes. Is he buffering? I'm ready. Who should go first? I will. 55.4 download, 8.82 upload. Have I improved? I hope so. Yeah, I believe you have improved. Last time you were clocked in as 23 down, 5.19 up.

Oh, that's a, that's a, I've doubled. I've got twice as good. Yeah, but it's still that pretty low stakes. It's still like, that is still Netflix having to take a breath. You know what I mean? Having to take a breath between episodes of Castlevania. It's freaking out, you know? But it is better. And we do celebrate marginal gains. And that's not marginal, that's 100% improvement in download. Yeah, like a penny, you get another penny, you got two pennies. I tell you what, you still, you haven't got anywhere to go on Bond Street, so no, with two pennies. Do you understand? So, James, what's yours? what. You still, you haven't got anywhere to go on Bond Street. So no, we're two pennies. Do you understand? So James, what's yours?

Oh, it's absolute dog shit. I'm on the wrong internet. Yeah, a lot of excuses. This is 25.4 down, 0.42 up. Oh James. It's gone wrong. It's gone wrong. That pained me. It should pain you, but it pained me. I'm going to get on the proper internet now, so I will drop off. Yeah, I mean, you do look...

Chris, what have you got? Oh, it doesn't matter, really. Why not? Why does it matter? You have to tell us. Oh, it's just, I've just got 134.4 down and 74.8 up. Just, yeah, it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter, really. Not a thing. And that is WiFi that is going through one... That is three levels. Three... Yeah, it's quite high, but anyway, I've got a new sofa.

I'm gonna test again. Oh. Can we talk about my new sofa instead of the internet speed now? Can I just get on my test, my new test, my proper test? I don't think it's necessary now. I don't think it's really necessary. Is it gonna be better than Chris's? I don't care.

Wow. Go on then. Down 89.9. Up 249.4. You have suddenly stabilized. This is going to be... I just think it's a bad segment this one. It's not interesting for people to listen to. You're going to hear stuff before I've said it. I don't think that matters. I don't think it matters. I don't think it matters. I think what I'll tell you, what does matter is how we feel about ourselves. Actually, sorry, that was because I just reconnected the Internet. I want my my downloads to be represented as one five eight point two.

Yeah, whatever. How the fucking league's doing? Yeah, no, let's do a city bit first. Here is the city bit. Because you wanted to tell us about your little special settee. Have you got a kissing couch? I've got a new sofa and it's a 2.5 seater in a sort of dark mustardy yellow. It is, it's, you said through, the colour of this settee is beautiful. I've got several

shirts that are in exactly that colour. You know, it's like, it's art. Several. Yeah, I've got a shirt and a t-shirt. What is the colour? It's sort of goldy. Oca mustard, oca. Yeah, it's, it's, it's good. I'm a very autumnal boy. Mmm. You like a pumpkin spice latte. You like to kick the leaves.

Kick the leaves. Occasionally there's a dog poo in there, but he doesn't mind. Do you know what I mean? Every now and again, dead body. Underneath the leaves. Perfect time. Perfect time to do a murder, autumn. Is it? They won't find them until deepest winter when they leave for what away. You've sent me this through. It's beautiful, but cannot lie, infuriating.

Why? Infuriating. To see the size of the thing. Why? You know why? Well, because you can't fit a full grown man sleeping on it. Yeah. Yeah. That was the point of it. But you are duty bound to support. Support. Yeah. Yeah. That was the point of it.

But you are duty bound to support. Support the arts. Don't you support the arts? Support the arts. I thought you supported the arts. Supporting the arts doesn't mean having middle aged men farting and sweating on it overnight. All right. Just because they won't get a hotel.

Too tight to get in a Premier Inn. We cannot get good rates on a Premier Inn. We have to come down at last minute. Either that or we are unable to book the trains in good times because we have a health condition. And that health condition is known as ADHD Sunil. It's remarkably comfortable. It's just nice. It's nice to finally have a sofa in my house. But here's a scenario for you. Imagine if Sunil, imagine you hadn't lost the, imagine you hadn't lost your nerve for performing live standup. Yeah.

Imagine you were no longer scared. Imagine you were no longer scared of doing it and you had the, the gut, like you had the nerve to get yourself. I'm gigging tonight. I don't understand. I gigged last night. I don't understand. Get you set.

No, but I'm talking Sunil, I'm talking about stand up outside of London. I'm talking about real stand up. No catwalk conceptual stand up in London. You know what I mean? I'm talking about the reals. Tuesday nights. But if you were coming up to Newcastle, what would I do? I'd be like, oh, come over, stay at mine, I'll drive you there, I've got a bed. But that's because you don't have many people coming to visit you. I think you'd say that Chris, but I think the reality would be, Senilla would call you on the way up, you'd be like, today? Oh no, I've driven to Pocklington. Yeah, I've gone somewhere else. Exactly.

This is all because you've lost your normal place to stay, which was Amy Gladhill's flat. Jason- I've not lost it. I've still got three she's bloody all over, do you know what I mean? So routinely she's not there. And I love hanging around with Jordan Brooks. He's a funny fella. But I have been for very good reason. I had a real good deal there. Do you know like, and this job is just like, and it's always popping down at the last minute, you know what I mean, for very good reason. I had a real good deal there. You know, like, and this job's just like, and it's always popping down at the last minute, you know what I mean? A great expense on the trains because you can't cut the trains out. Previously I did, previous, you know, like this is years ago now, but you know, like

when it's like, well, it costs 120 quid for the train and 25 quid for the megabus, then I'll be like, I've got to do that. And then you did it once and you were like, this is a false economy. This is a trick. My time is, that's the only place, like travel is the only place, only time in the entire microcosm of my life where I value my time. Do you know what I mean? It's like, you've got to keep it as short as possible. And I think recently, recently I bought a more expensive, a less expensive train to London. And I go from Carlisle to London and that is the quick train is three and a half hours.

If you can pay like £45 less or something like that, which is a ton of money, it's like 20 quid less maybe, but it's a chunk of money, but it adds an hour. And the difference between four and a half hours and three and a half hours is a lot. It's intense. Mason- Well, when you're driving, that's the worst one because you are doing nothing useful. You can't do anything. Jason- There's a problem with that. It is dead time, but the benefit, the great benefit of driving is that you can control your own, do you know what I mean? You can control where you are in the world when you're

setting off, where you're going. And also, I guess driving for you is quite nice because you get to spend a bit of time on your own. I don't love driving. It's well documented. I'm a good driver most of the time, but when we get like up to, do you know the line of a roundabout? But when we get like up to, do you know what, the line of a roundabout. I know a deer that wouldn't agree with that. I just don't think you're a good driver. It's not what I would be. I'm a good, I'll sit on the motorway, I'll do 60. I'm not messing anyone's business.

My issue is, you know, like- Which lane you're doing 60 in? That's too slow. I'm like, occasionally I'm in the wrong lane. Occasionally I go slightly past a red light. Do you know what I mean? But broadly within that scope, I'm a good driver. That is nowhere near good driver if you occasionally go through a red light. That's an all right driver. That's an all right driver. You have a look at me over at

where, do you know what I mean? And I'll give you a thumbs up. You won't. You'll be hunched over like an old man, just like that, just rattling at the wheel, terrifying. But that's the benefit of driving. The thing is, I'd love to go on the train. Do you know what I mean? An hour, I normally save the train for a bit of, you know, like I've got an email to write to,

like a bit, not creative time, but like I've got a meaty bit of admin that I need to do. Like I need to, I need to put, I need to email someone or, or, or get my head around like some projecty type thing. The train is brilliant for the internet shape. So you've just got a clean document note and it's great for that, but you cannot rely on the trains.

You cannot rely on the trains and it's absolutely maddening for the amount of money. It's like if they're like, I had one where, you know, like he's like, I talk to a train guy and he's like, where are you going? He's like London. I said London and he's like, what are you going there for? Do you know what I mean? Like, like good luck to you. Yeah. So in summary, Sunil's got a new sofa. Thank you. Yeah. So in summary, Sunil's got a new sofa.

Thank you. In summary, he's got a new sofa, but you have let down me. You have let down you have let down basically your brothers and sisters. You can stay on the sofa if you want. It's just not long enough for you to lie on it comfortably. Oh, ask me. This is a hostile environment. Don't ask me. That's like inviting This is a hostile environment now. This is a desert and you've got no water. Do you understand?

After 11pm there's anti-pigeon spikes getting put out. And I put in a high-pitched whistle. I can't hear that. I'm too old for the high-pitched whistle. To get rid of teenagers. I understand the point. I just think it's... You can take the cushions off the sofa and put them on the floor. All right? That's the workaround I didn't want people to get to. That's perfect.

I didn't want people to know that. Don't have me there. Don't invite me if you don't want me because you know, male comedians... He hasn't. I haven't invited you. Yeah, I haven't actually invited you. Yeah, don't ask me personally to come to your house and sleep in your city. Because I think male comedians over 40, we're like vampires, aren't we? If you invite us in, we don't go.

Also, just as a point of order, before that, I had a sofa that would fit a man and you never wanted to stay on it. I had a good deal. For three years. I had space for you. It was a welcoming environment. There were candles. That does sound nice, but dangerous with Chris. I would not trust him. I wouldn't leave him in a room with a candle. I'm an adult man who can light a candle. Yeah, but you can't turn it, you can't put it off. You would knock it over trying to turn it off.

Pissing around with the wax. Yeah. Do you think I should try and get some medicine? What for? I don't know. For whatever I've got. Do you think I should get some medicine? I hope you don't go to the doctor like that. Can I have some medicine please? I don't know what it's for, but can I have some?

Medicine, please. And they look at it and they'll have just added, do you know, like since they passed assisted dying and they're like, they're going to. He's just going to have all the doctors have got a box that he can tick that says assisted dying and they'll all be gagging to use it because it's the first time and also can have some medicine and they'll tick the assisted dying box. I'll get, I'll get put in a tube and fired into a quarry. I'll get put in a tube and fired into a quarry. I'll get put in a tube and fired into a quarry.

Do you know actually what I'd like to see, this is how I'd like to see you go out Chris. I'd like to see you go out like, you know those Instagram videos of the hydraulic press? Oh yeah, I was thinking about that today. I'd like to see you under that, but just standing up all the way, just going down, just making your face look smaller and smaller until it, until it pops. I don't know. Well, you will eventually just be like that. And then, and you know, I'll be there just saluting and going there.

He fucking goes, absolutely. Well, until the end of the, what do you mean? Legend till the end. Did that for the boys. Fair play. What do you mean? Anyway, just as it was a squashy name, he was still doing Zippo tricks.

Smoking six bags and doing Zippo tricks all the way. The very real danger of that though, Sunil, is that they'll turn it off three quarters of the way through and he will now fit on your sofa. Imagine that permanent resident. He just swat in perfectly. And his knees taken off so he can fit on my sofa. Which opens up a lot of casting opportunities, you know. I'm not quite short enough to be short, you know.

I don't know. I don't know if I can have any opportunities being six inches shorter. Should we do the countryside bit, Chris? Here is the countryside bit. I've got loads of stuff to talk about. I know it's been half an hour talking about Sunil's sofa. I just wanted to lay a bit of point. To be honest, you talking about coming to London

for the 10th episode. Ooh, I know, it is true, but you can't deny it. I've been fun this little bit. I've had a lot. It's been a lot of fun. I want to know, I want to know what you want to, what's on the spreadsheet that you're going to talk about. It's not a spreadsheet, James.

It's a Google document. It's a word document basically. Do you know what I mean? Like which message is it? So for the countryside bit, wait a minute, Nicholas bringing me up a water. Cause you got overexcited with the quarry bit, was it? I got overe countryside bit, wait a minute, Nicholas bringing me up a water. Because you got overexcited with the quarry bit, was it? I got overexcited with a quarry bit.

Or did you hear you say, can I, should I have some medicine? I've messed it up then. No, can you move the lights a little bit better? I had to move it. They won't let me have it where it was because there was a window in the background. No, it wasn't that Chris. It was because you were looking at the screen, which was four foot to the left of the camera. And then you were trying to whip your head back. So tell you what, here, this is the issue. Yeah, that's the problem, Nicholas.

That is the problem. All right, Nicola, you could have given me more of a perfect gif then. She started out my lighting. Look at that. Oh, blew my neck. Sorry. Sorry, I've been muted. I was going,

I was exclaiming a hundred, a hundred press ups a day. That bastard. Really? Look at me, Chris. Look at me. I've stopped recently, you know, cause I got ill. I don't know if it popped up. Yeah. I stopped doing my exercise. So now I'm coming back to it. Sorry. Can you put your arm away? That's a, that's an illegal weapon. I'm coming back to it. Sorry. Can you put your arm away? That's an illegal weapon, I think. Yeah. We'll get banned for that. Can you hear yourself in your cans? Yeah.

Can you hear yourself, Chris? Okay. It's just you're shouting. Yeah, we know. We know, Nicola. We know. I've never said that. When I use that, please, I couldn't hear myself in here. Are you sure you're hearing yourself? Can I just take a photo of him being told off? I can't hear myself in here. Are you sure you're hearing yourself? Can I just take a photo of him being told off? Can you get Nick back in shot, please? This is absolutely perfect. He's trying to, he's being recorded on our speakers, on our microphones. James says he's being recorded on our speakers.

I was joking. I'm joking, Chris. I'm saying you're talking too loudly. Chris, can you get Nick back in shot behind you? Can you get back in shot suddenly taking a photograph? No, like I think they want you looking annoyed, wouldn't they? Annoyed? Yeah. Thank you. He can't hear himself.

We can hear him, but he can probably hear himself through our... I'm okay shouting. Everyone likes to shout and that's why they listen to the podcast. All the comments here, five stars. I like how that guy speaks. The takeaway I've taken from this is that you've got three floors to your house and she can hear you from three floors down. Yeah. And the mad thing is as well, that's not included the basement, which is a track, which is a converted basement. So I'm looking, I'm sitting in, I think you would

describe it as a four story monolith. It's like a sort of New York city house, you know, like a townhouse. Can I talk, can I please talk about the countryside? Yes. I've got a few things. One, my calamity of just like things happening in my life is just ongoing. My life is a calamity. We've now got a wasps nest. Ooh, where? That's come in the garden under our, we've got a little bit of roof in the crevice between the roof and the wall. This little wasp nest has come in. Recently, I'm not mad into, I don't like flies. I think I've got a, not a fear. Fear's a wrong word, but you know, like if a fly lands on me or is near me, I can't bear it. Do you know what I mean? Disgust.

I think so, maybe. It's like, I'm not scared of it, but it's like, it just triggers something really animalistic and affunted in me. That said, because I remember I said, this is, I said it a while ago, but when I moved up here, I was like, I'm going to have a B.I. Yes. And my mother-in-law punctured that with a sniper rifle from 200 feet. When she asked me whether I like having things flying on me and around me, and I said no. So she was like, well, maybe it's not for you. Which is a good point.

Yeah. So, but recently, you know, with the leaks, the leaks are next to a patch of comfrey. Which is, I described it on the podcast, and my brother, uh, messaged me and went, I think you're talking about comfrey. And I was. So that's the witches, the witches- Talking about what? It was green in the flowerbed next to the leaks, comfrey. It's the witches, it is the magical witches herb. How you spelling that?

C-O-N. F. Alright, boring. Go on. Is that because of what you were doing on the bed? You know what I mean? I need to keep, it keeps the, shall we say, the bees' sacks full. Do you understand what I'm getting at, son?

Yeah, man. Come. So, man. Come. So, the wasps nest. The comfrey has been, whatever's going on with it at this time of year, the bees absolutely love the comfrey. This little comfrey... Oh, growl. Stop it.

Stop saying it. We know what you've said it once already. You're saying it too much now. You don't need to say every other word. The countryside is a place of adults. This comfrey, every now and again you say someone with an arm and a bull's fanny. Do you know what I mean? This is the countryside. A bull's fanny. You do know that they don't have... I'm not even going to have any idea.

Well, what have I got? If they ain't got fannies, then what is my phone picture library full of? I've got over 200 high res pictures that bank to differ. If both don't have fannies, what is my phone's wallpaper and where is my phone? The Convery, full of bees. Stop it. Okay now. I don't know if this can't... Okay. When I'm next to the bees, I don't know about you, but I feel a peace with bees.

I feel an affinity with bees. Busy. Bees offer no d- unless someone goes mad, unless you disturb a nest, or if you like stand on one, it will sting you. But other than that, they do not care about you at all. You could just sit and watch them and you're not at any, there's no risk. Whereas this wasps nest, it looks nasty. It looks nasty. Wasps are scary, but it's like, I don't know how to describe it. Something about, I don't know whether my, you know,

I'm a master storyteller, but I don't know if I've got the language to articulate why it's scary. It's somewhat about, do you know like nature's erratic and mad and like plants are all shaped weird and stuff like this. And then like a sheep dies and its brains spool out of its head and stuff. That's like weird, it's chaotic. The wasp's nest is terrifying because of its like precision. It's a perfect circle of like that they've constructed a mulch. Do you mulch. I don't know what it's made out of, but it just looks so perfectly, sopherically perfect. And that's scary, because I think it's unnatural. You know, it's like seeing a supermodel with perfect symmetry. ALICE Yeah, it's like alien, isn't it? It's not the other.

RILEY Yeah. Whereas like, human faces and stuff are like mad, or like too too big or perfectly round. Don't have it thinking about anyone in particular. Don't use this as your test sample. Probably. Whose head were you having to go out there? Me or his? Both of ours.

Mine was too big. Yours is perfectly spherical. Your Sunills, if you've tried to picture this wasp nest, it's look at our Instagram. It's basically Sunils. It's, it's got the perfect roundness that is Sunils head. Anyway, so it's like Sunils head when it has wasps coming out of it. So I rang James, not rang James, I was speaking to James this week. Yeah, you.

All right. So I was speaking to James this week and I was saying just recently on the podcast, it's been in a flurry of like driving to cities, which has been brilliant and exciting for me to do to go to new places. But I would say it's like, it's quite a same thing of like man drives for three hours to London, man drives to Somerset. The first half hour of this record currently. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean?

It's like reasonably say it, but I would say to James basically, that something happened in, I got invited to, because the reason I did a podcast as well, you know, like part of the reason that we started doing it was to push ourselves to try things that we wouldn't normally try in pursuit of increasing our understanding and learning. You know? Was it? Yeah, that's written in our tablet of stone. So, I got invited to, like my friend in the week was doing a wild flower walk around his farm. And I think in my head I was like, you

know what, I'm busy, I'm sweating, I've got this and that to do, I'm trying to get all this stuff done, so I'm like running around. So I decided I was too busy. But I was like, you know, I'm busy, I'm sweating, I've got this and that to do. I'm trying to get all this stuff done. So I'm like running around. So I decided I was too busy. But I was saying to James, it was a mistake saying no to adventure. Do you know what I mean? Because I'd have had a laugh there, not a laugh maybe, but I would have learned something. And that like, basically, I think I owe, I think I need to reconnect with the countryside somehow, like eat soil or do something else. But... Kill a load of wasps.

Kill a load of, like, headbutt a wasp nest. When you do have a go at this wasp nest with a stick, which I imagine is the end of that bit, please make sure it's videoed. You're supposed to do it with fire, aren't you? Yes. Yes, definitely film that. It's like in Zippo tricks and an aerosol, that'll do it. Yes.

Zippo tricks aerosol tennis racket. Cover your fingers in candelwax. You don't want to hurt, I don't want to hurt another being, but also I think these wasps can't continue to be alive. Do you know what I mean? It's like, or shall we say, the duality of man? Or shall we say, the duality of man? Do you know what I mean?

Get this. So I missed out the opportunity for a wildflower walk and I was like, I can't do that again. No, too many wasps, too many bees. Well, that's bees more than wasps. Wasps go for me. That's the thing. That's one of the reasons why I don't really like wasps myself. What are we talking about at the moment? This didn't go on a flower walk. I'm trying to move it on. And I was like annoyed by it because it represented a sort of an intellectual cowardice.

Do you know what I mean? So another opportunity, because you know one of my jobs that I do is a co-editor of our Village magazine. I've just read about the upcoming issue. If you go down to the next section on the document, it's a magazine article, which we don't need to read at all, and we'll definitely bleep a couple of bits out. But look at what I've got coming up. Could you just read the first couple of paragraphs. Curious about the wonders of bogs and why peatlands matter to people and the planet? Come and celebrate International Bog Day at Peat Farm on the 19th of July and explore and learn all about peat and peatland restoration.

International Bog Day. When is International Bog Day? I can't believe I've missed it. There's a screening of short films. Is that about bogs? Bog based movies? Yeah. Peatland themed films, creative and educational workshops, local food. All set within a living peatland in Northumberland's uplands. Why don't we make a rural concerns peat-based film? You've obviously got to go to International Bog Day. But this is what I think I should do. It's on a Saturday.

And there's this farm, this farm that we're talking about is up the road and it's like an organic focused farm, you know what I mean? I was like, this sounds like exactly the lightning bolt from God of like... Careful on the peat bog though, because gases come out of there though. Oh, can I tell you about, we had a lightning storm. We had a lightning storm at our house. And it was really, really scary. My friend, I told my friend I was in a lightning storm

and he sent me this like lightning tracker thing. And basically this giant, this giant continuous splurge of lightning was almost directly over my specific house. Basically I was inside, but it was scary. You know, like someone, there was one cracker because me and the boy have been together because because been in crack out, she's been in Poland. And you watch that documentary about the body farm and neither of you can sleep

alone. I watched the documentary about the body, but there was a cracker thunder that scared him. And I'll be very honest, scared me too. And then all the power went out just for a millisecond. Exciting. And then I was saying, I messaged my mother-in-law and was like, this is mad. And she went, yeah, it's a bit full on. And then she reminded me that because at a time of year, there'll be so many wild campers. I'm talking about literally every two to three seconds of flash of lightning. My friend Dave from down the road was driving back from a music festival near the house. He was saying, basically, lightning was

striking. He was driving on the road and they were watching lightning strike the road. Yeah, I've seen that. It went off on my street and ever since then my internet's been really bad. Because of that I think, it's natural causes. It's true, that's why, it's the same reason why my PC's a mess. Yeah. Why the X button broke off. It absorbed a power surge and they are notoriously and they are notoriously not great with that.

If you know that's why the PC is broken, why do you keep trying to get it fixed? What do you mean? You've sort of said two mad things there. Is this the PC that you keep taking to a 19 year old lad to fix? No, I never got it to a 19 year old. You are trying to fix it, but you know that a power surge from a lightning strike would have killed the internal. So why did you keep carrying it around like a dead body?

It's not a dead body because it is working. Basically what we need to do is replace, I believe. But the problem is when I meet people, I can't do it. I can't do it. The last guy I met told me, why have you got us on this again? Come nearer the mic this time now. You're shouting away from the mic. I would say chuck the PC out and start again, I think fresh start.

It's been two fucking years. I need to just replace the motherboard I believe. You believe. Last time I took it to a PC guy he said there was nothing wrong with it. So no, this is old news. I think if it's been two years you don't need it anymore. I want to play PC games. I've got a Steam.

I've got so much, I've invested so much money in Steam. I've got a steam. I've got so much, I've invested so much money on steam. I've got so much steam. A couple of other things. So great bog day. I've put in the calendar, I need to talk to Nicola Weather on one of our crucial weekends together that I'm allowed to disappear for most of the day to go to a bog land, a fiend day. Hopefully the family can come, because that'd be good. Secondly, we'll talk about it more on the Patreon bonus episode where we discuss culture, but I just want to give a specific shout out

to the film 28 Years Later. Now, it's a brilliant film in my opinion. It doesn't play it safe by any metric at all. It's exciting in a world of nostalgia reboots and sequels. And it is a sequel, but you would not accuse it of resting on its laurels in any way. But the reason that I mention it is, if you listen to this podcast and you are maybe from further afield overseas perhaps and you're trying to picture where I live, 28 years later is all filmed around the North East of England, which is where I live.

So the reason I just mentioned it quickly is check it out and it might help you imagine, you know, like you'll be able to picture like both the character of the land and also the character of the people that generally live there. I won't be drawing on that any further. I've got a Elite Club update. Go on. I've taken 60 pounds out of the cash machine

to give to Martin, the King of the Elite Club. Right. It's 65, I've got a five knocking around somewhere. Yeah, you're not bribing him. No. So the money is ready. This is the point of no return. The other thing with it is, I was in the pub on Sunday

and the landlord of the pub, John, is also a leak clubber. And you've seen a picture of mine. I sent it on social media. They're doing really well. I'm really chuffed with it. I'd say thickness-wise, we're looking at like a marker pen's thickness of like leeks, which I'm chuffed with. That feels good. But I was in the pub talking to one of the leekers and he said, oh, John's, John's is the thickness

of a pint glass. What? And I said, I said, you what? He said, yeah, John's a, John, how thick are they like that? And it, and John went, yeah, like that. Like a standard pint glass, not like a, you know, like a Peroni one, like a proper classic pint glass. I understand what you're saying, but you're also, you're also, you're also a quibble, a UK, a European metric pint glass, please. Just a, do you know what I mean? Stan, your classic pint glass with the little dimple. Your classic pint glass.

But there's not much in a slightly thinner, perony one. If you saw a leak like that, you'd still be like, fuck off, that's a big leak. But he's got them. So now, apparently, he's constructing a... As per competition rules, you are allowed to cover them, but the cover can't have sides. Does that make sense? You're allowed to bring like a sheet over the top to protect them from the rain, but if it covered the sides, I think like you can't have a greenhouse, like, cause it'd

be a controlled climate or something like that, you know? So John is building or putting in place a cover to protect them from the rain. What John's trying to do now is, cause I was like, do you know what I heard that my reaction was like, oh, fuck that. That then he's this amazing thing. But then this isn't a great news for John.

No. Because my leaks might be at more of a, like we are looking at, we've got a few months left. John runs the risk of these overgrowing and like basically being ruined too early by being too big too early. He's peaking too soon. If he peaks too soon, it's like, you know, like cyclists, professional cyclists, you need to peak at the Tour de France.

You don't want to peak at the Criterium du Dauphiné. It's the one where, that's the one way they, there's the kinder, the kinder Bueno factory halfway up in the hall. Is there? Yeah. We've had enough of City News, Sunil. We've had enough of your city ways. I want to ask, James, can you just tell me, because you were telling me about, so you

are the only one of the group who has secured a Nintendo Switch 2. Congratulations. Yes, thank you. I'll take that. Congratulations. Can you just tell us how, how, how was it getting that? Because you were one of the first people, you pre-ordered it. You know what happened, Chris, because I sent you a picture of my entire family dressed up

as variously Mario and me with a Luigi hat on. Why did you do that? Because, right, where we got it from, it wasn't delivering. You had to go and pick it up. And the week before it was ready, it came out on the 5th of June. They sent an email saying, oh, I hope you're excited for the thing. Make sure you bring this, this and this when you come to pick it up. And like option four was like,

hey, you can dress up people in, people working in the store will be dressed up. Why not join in brackets optional. So on the day of the, the day of the release, we had a look, we had, it was swimming club day. So we had to get after we had to get through school. We had to get through swimming club. After that, they had to have a little bit of tea because otherwise they're going to

get eggy. So it got to 6pm and we were going to head out to the shop and you know, the kids popped on their Mario onesie, Mario baseball cap and my wife even put a Mario plastic mask on. I put my Luigi hat on and we drove off to the local, the branch of the shop where we were picking it up from. And we went in, we got there about half past six, fully empty, no one in there, about three members of staff on, none of them dressed up. I think there was one woman in there who was trying to return a printer. She wasn't dressed as a printer. And we went over and we went over to collect it and they were like, oh great, what's your name? Gave them a name in and everything. And then,

well, actually, first of all, they went, I suppose you're here to get the Nintendo Switch too. Imagine that if you're like, no, we're looking for USB-C charger, please. I'd do that if you're like, no, we're looking for a USB-C charger, please. Just want a multi-plug. And then they went off to the back and then the guy behind the counter called me over and was like, oh, sorry, can you just check your name again, please? And they made me spell it out about three times. And basically it was obvious they didn't have the switch too. And they were stalling for time at this point.

Basically what had happened was they'd given when I, when you bought it, you got given like a piece of paper. Well, I got given a piece of paper. What they were supposed to have done is keep that piece of paper. And then when the stock came in, attach that piece of paper to the stock, marking that piece of stock out as mine. Right. Yes.

So when they all came in, there was one that didn't have a piece of paper to go with it, basically, it took a little while, but evidently a member of staff had thought that was a spare one and had decided to buy it and I broke a member of staff's dreams that day, whilst dressed as Luigi. But they, were they honest about it in the first instance? No, no, no, no, no, no. They just said they had to go and they were going to get it from the back room. And then they said, when it came out, all the seals were broken on it.

And they said that that's what happens in the packing factory. No, that's a lie. That they broke all the seals. Sorry, I didn't, I didn't actually catch any of that cause I was vaping and writing the intro. That's fair enough. Don't worry about it. I got a Nintendo switch too and it's amazing.

Oh, great. I may tell my dissimilar thing where they, you know, you got it and it's the seals are open, which is fine, but it wasn't over the moon about it. I think it's really funny with, with this we'll have had as well, it sounds like you're coming at the end of the day. You've done swimming club, you've done school. Yeah, it was half six at night. It was half an hour before they shut.

So the majority of these, these are the people probably taking the day off work or whatever or they'll have been getting them. You'll be one of the last ones to pick them up. I was picking up the probably the last one, the spare one that they had. Of course, it'll have been getting them, you'll be one of the last ones to pick them up. I was picking up the, probably the last one, the spare one that they had. Of course it must have been. So what's great about that is that they've obviously had like a queue of teenagers or whatever or like gamers. I mean, say what you want about those guys, but they'll have picked them all up and then they'll have

had to deliver bad news to the family have come dressed as Marion Lollege and Yoshi. You know what I mean? It's like, if you're going to say no, if you're going to give someone, let someone down and apologize and stuff, it just can't be to you guys. You know what I mean? Like you'd have happily let her dweeb down. ALICE The bit where it looked like he was trying to, he was about to tell me that they didn't have it, I'd call my kids over, I was like, come and listen to the man. Come and listen to the man. Bring your dreams over to the man. See what he's got to say.

WILL Yeah, that's very good parenting on your part. ALICE It is, isn't it? Yeah. WILL Probably his switch that you took. ALICE Yeah, fingers crossed. WILL Yeah, because otherwise if? Yeah. Probably his switch that you took. Yeah, fingers crossed. Yeah. Because otherwise if I was a staff member, I'd be like, no, get fucked. That's mine.

And you can fuck off because you'd pay me exactly one penny above minimum wage. It's good. I was glad. It really tickled me. I sent you a picture from the car. Yeah. Have you seen it? So no. Just the kids, God bless your wonderful wife. Yeah.

I bet that day she caught herself in the wing mirror and thought, if you're gonna, I bet she thought to herself, if I'm going to make a change, it's got to be now. Otherwise I'm locked in with him forever. Otherwise now's the time. Otherwise that's it. But he has got a Nintendo Switch too. But he has got a Nintendo Switch too. So it was touch and go. It wasn't just the kids' dreams that were going to get shattered.

Have we got... Chris, you need... We're up in the game. You need to send me the letters. Have we got any letters for this week? We've got no letters. I've found an old letter. There are no new letters. We need people to write in letters. People write in some letters. Are we recording now? Yes. Send us a fucking letter. Do you want me to read these two letters that are here?

Yeah. Yeah. Read it. Okay, this is the first letter. Hi everyone, last year's leak show was on Saturday the 14th September. That's from Richard. Is that for us? Oh great. Thank you, Richard. You need to find out then, because I'm interviewing Brian Blessed on the 6th.

Yeah, which is not the 14th at all. So you've just mentioned- I just wanted to say I'm interviewing Brian Blessed. Yeah, just a random thing. Oh, you need to find out the exact date, because on the 29th of November- Yeah, in 2026. Yeah, 2029. I'm interviewing Brian Blesing. You need to tell me the date, because three weeks ago I got a Nintendo Switch 2 on the day of release. Let me leave it with me. But this is Richard, obviously,

oh, he's a friend to the podcast, but he's also a complex character. He's given me all his PC games, he's very generous, but he's also brought me into the league competition to humiliate me in front of my community. Oh, he's that guy. Oh, so it won't be then. So we do need to check the date because it won't be that day. Yeah, exactly. Trick day. I'm showing up with my leagues. Right. That's that letter. Next letter, please. Hi lads. Enjoyed the blockbuster story of Sunil's mission to reclaim his stolen motor with Red Richardson. Yes. Since working titles for the shorter-be option film version were briefly considered on the pod, I've put together a few of my own. Seeing Red, interesting.

The Great Lexscape. Nice. Tracker Jack. I like that one the most. The Sunil Blue Line, I like that. Get Carter brackets Sunil's flat. Nice. Just a bit of fun. Big fan of the podcast. Keep it up. Cheers. Tom one through 3.4 down 18.3 up. Not interested anymore. What? I don't get the get Carter Senil's flat. Is it a joke? Is it a pun? Is it just some words? Is it a joke? Yeah, it's a joke. Get Carter is a film though, isn't it? But it's, what is Senil's flat? I don't know. Fucking hell, mate. Come on. Tom, I'm sorry.

Tom, can you explain the last one? Can you send another email in explaining that Get Cart or Senil's flat joke, please? I love Tracker Jack. And we want more people to write in to us and tell us about what they think about the countryside. I wonder why they've dropped off recently. Maybe it's because they're getting between this and Andy the Trowbert man getting a kicking. Do you know what I mean? Jason Vale He's not getting a kicking. I might misrepresented his accent in another podcast. Jason Vale I told him to shove his feet back up his

ass and now he's in a mood room. It's like we made it a hostile environment. Please contact us and we won't critique your jokes and we won't tell you to put anything up your arse. But the sad thing is, maybe we're getting too much stuff right that people aren't correcting us anymore. Like your stuff about the bulls fanny, wrong. And no, I don't know if anyone will correct us on that, but that sort of stuff has died off. No, it's when you, it's like Buddy did early show with somebody, isn't it?

Where it's just got such a high reputation for nailing things. Exactly. Yeah, I bet they don't get any emails. You probably don't get any feedback. Yeah, that's only podcast. If you want to see Rural Concerns live, great news you can. We're performing in Manchester at the Fairfield Social Club on the 22nd of November 2025. Tickets for that show are in the

notes. I, me, Chris, I'm off to the Edinburgh Fringe this year. I'm doing a work in progress show. I'm there for five nights, 15th to the 19th of August. Also, if you go into the Fringe, two recommendations, Stuart MacPherson and Molly McGinnis. Check them out. And if you'd like to go the extra mile, please tell people about the show. You could leave us a glowing review on Spotify and or Apple podcasts. this. Check them out. Toby really nice to us. Mason- And also by signing up to the Patreon you also get bonus episodes. There's hours and hours and hours of wank on there, free to access. So we'll put a little sneaky clip of the stuff we're putting up after the credits. Mason- Our artwork is by Poppy Hylsted, our music is by Samuel Leary and our legal due

diligence is by Cal Derrick, entertainment lawyer. Mason- Role Concerns is edited by Joseph. Yeah, I could fight in a war if that war is being fought with drones because then I could have an Xbox controller and a medal. Burrows. And it's produced by Egg Mountain for a lovely time productions. I've seen a museum with loads of brains in it actually. Yeah, they've shut it down. Are you talking about the

Hunterian Museum in Holborn? Chris, you're talking about the Stockport Hat Museum, secret room. Secret room and a hat museum. I'm talking about the medical specimens library at King's College Hospital, King's College London. In Holborn? No, no, it's only for students to go into. Or if you work at Guy's and St. Thomas's Hospital, which I used to years and years ago. So I went to look at it. Huge old Victorian, sort of like, you know, when they've got like railings and platforms around going all the way up. So people can have a look. So people can walk around and have a look at the specimens. And there's a lot of brains.

I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before. There's like a lot of like gruesome deaths. There's like a guy with a bullet wound in his face, but they've put his whole face in a formaldehyde jar. That would definitely kill you.