Rural Concerns - Char siu, humidity & sartorial elegance

Episode Date: April 14, 2025

Chris is fresh from a dinner party, Sunil tries to engage with geo-politics and Producer James gears up for a VIP event. The lads also read a letter from the wife of a gamer turned first-time gardener.   Want to see the lads live? Rural Concerns is coming to Manchester’s Fairfield Social Club on 22nd November. Tickets are already selling fast so grab your tickets here! Got a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello and welcome to Rural Concerns. This is a podcast for anyone who needs reading glasses and indeed for anyone that may be considering a pair of nice little reading glasses at some point and need some pointers or guidance. Also, we talk about the countryside, etc. Hello, I'm Chris and I live in the deepest, darkest countryside. I am too scared to show the locals my iPad because they might burn me for witchcraft. I'm Sunil and I live in London

and like anyone else who lives here, I take zero interest in any of its cultural treasures and instead spend my time moaning about the trains. I'm producer James and I live in the suburbs, which is supposed to be the ideal mix of town and country, but instead is a den of whispering snakes who want me to trim my hedge more regularly. And by hedge, I mean my pubic hair. Nice. A couple of pints is Thursday night. Here we are.

I've had a couple of pints. He's up. He's up. He's had a couple of drinks. I'm taking my shoes off. I'm taking my shoes off. No, I didn't push the recording back. I asked in advance if we could do it later.

Yeah, yeah. How many pints have you had and were you as james asked were you zebraing well zebraing is in i was like but full just just the stripes without so it's just lines no water white horse white or black horse whichever one is your lloyd's banking it love it yeah so so much to think about yeah nicola has decided to host a like a sort of meal for the for the some people in the village because she wanted to make some like cool chinese food that she's made so she was like gonna get people over how'd it go brilliant it's still going on now we're getting to the tail end, but I was like,

I'm going to dip out. I've got to podcast. Do you know what I mean? My social. What did they say to that? They understand. They're all. Really?

They understand. They all know. It's Dave. Dave who was in the birthday episode podcast. This community is well-braced for me needing to excuse myself to podcast i simply must podcast i i now that they're downstairs now having a chat do you think they're talking about me well maybe they're talking about stuff that they couldn't talk about when you were there what do you mean like what

perhaps what were you two talking about before I came in we were talking about my haircut yeah yeah now that better be holidays and it looks great you both arrived at the same time to be fair guys I'm missing a dinner party

no you've it's finished it's wrapping up Elvis has left the building it finished when you left it's wrapping up Nick will put on some amazing food she's done at least two different impressions.

She's having a good time. Chinese ones? Did she make fortune cookies and did you supply hilarious bon mots for them? I was there on the bon mot front, but we had no... Let me... We had pork char siu.

Char suey. Char suey, yeah. Okonomiyaki. Oh, yeah. Okonomiyaki, so that's Japanese. That's Japanese? Yeah. Common error.

Is it? Because it sounds Japanese. Okonomiyaki means whatever you want, mate. Okay, so I've already followed down a path of saying this is Chinese, but clearly it's like a sort of pan asian you've you've lost yourself in the cyno sphere but can i say delicious yeah not not in an accent does that go some degree to making sure that i'm fine for the mistakes i've made you haven't made any mistakes you're all you're all good i'm all all right. I've had a bit of pain, so I'm all right.

I'm not getting on the bed. But I could do with a chair. You do keep moving around. You're a bit agitated, aren't you? Are you stood? I'm kneeling. Come on, man. I'm kneeling.

I'm kneeling. Why? Are you one-kneeling? You've got so many rooms and tables and chairs. Yeah, but everyone's downstairs. The bottom floor is taken up by the party. I want to get on the bed to stretch out on them. What room is this?

What's that patch of not painted wall? I've not seen that before. Nah, it's in the bedroom. We have a wet patch. You cannot lean over the mic like this for an hour. Yeah. No, it don't feel sustainable. There's going to be so much dribble just pouring out your face.

If I lie on the bed, I'll have too much spit in my mouth. Is this where the wet patch came from? No, we've got a problem with the roof, and we got some new plaster done, and there's just a patch that's kind of damp, and it stayed damp. The guy was like, basically, if the brick was damp, it can be a month or six months per inch of brick to dry out but i don't think that's

what's happening i think we've got some sort of we've got some sort of issue with the roof or we've got like some foliage growing out of a patch which i think is maybe dragging water in the roof needs a bit of attention but it's sort of been on hold because it's been damp and there's no point doing it. But now, as we are entering the spring months, I need to get the guy out. You know, the guy who does roof stuff. Whoa. That's my humidity monitor.

I have it next to me at all times. 55% humidity, 18.8. It's been as low as 41 in this house. Here is the city, mate. And now it's up to 56. This is the new bedroom. That is, as the kids would say, dry. More money, more problems, basically, isn't it?

You think it's going to be straightforward having a big bedroom and now you're seeing the full the full range i need some storage solutions boys i need a pegboard for the wall what are you doing on a pegboard well it's like a board that goes on the wall take your hand away from your mouth chris when you're recording that's fair that's fair we're doing a podcast take your hand out your mouth neil back down get back down to the microphone. Get down. If you go on the bed, I don't think you're going to stay awake for the whole record. Listen, this is what's happening.

Listen, this is what's happening. As he grabs. It's like you're grabbing me by the collar. I came on this podcast. I came on this podcast and I said I wasn't going to shout. Less severe lighting. You look like a villain. You look like you're going to tell Batman what your plan is.

Yeah, you've done well. And I'm all up. Because I'm a good drunk. You've shouted char-sweep, or canock, and I'm not going to say it. Or canomiyaki. You're a good drunk. Yeah, yeah, you're a laugh, yeah. So, Neil, I reckon we could have him crying by the end of this episode.

I don't think I am a good drunk. It's like the mood has to be just right. Me and Nicola, like, especially, no, we've always been like this, really, but maybe we've always been middle-aged. But we're very much of an afternoon drink. Do you know what I mean? We were like a few drinks around three,

four o'clock in the afternoon. And then we sort of wind down and then go to bed completely. Calm it down at seven kind of thing. Calm it down at seven, yeah. I've started to get into that, but I do those heady times when you'd be having a day one

and you'd be like, look at your watch, be like, ah, guys, it's only half past six. Don't you have that when you get dropped off at the all-male crash yeah yeah i don't even know any of them lads it's just to get get you socialized bonded over neck oil how much is a pint of neck oil where you live james in my local it, it's like, it is one of the pricey ones. It's like, it's just over a fiver, like 550.

That's pricey, is it? Yeah, that's a pricey one. It's like nearly seven quid here. London, mate. How much is it round your way, Chris? Pint of Guinness, four pounds, and maybe 450. Normal pint, around four pounds is the pint mark, I think. That's nice.

That's pretty good, yeah. Yeah, that is what it is. But it's hard when you get older because you remember a time when pints were a pound and stuff like that, don't you? Yeah, a tenner to the pub and that was your Friday night. You can get a Raddles for 99p in Wetherspoons, I think. Yeah, Wetherspoons is still out there shining the light for discount booze. Brexit.

Brexit. And that's Brexit. Brexit-themed placemats. We won't be no Brexit, no tariff wars. We can't talk about tariff wars. But I've been deep in the tariff wars for three days. Give it to us, Sonil. Sonil, we need to go into tariff maximum tariff what it is i'm

going to pause the recording yeah we can go to nintendo yeah right i've unpaused the recording after giving these boys a strict talking to but we have agreed we can talk about the nintendo thank you james the nintendo no matter honestly no matter what price it comes in at i like the Nintendo. Honestly, no matter what price it comes in at, I like the Nintendo Switch 2. Do you know what I'm going to do, actually? I'm going to buy us all one Nintendo share each. Can you do that? Just from your computer?

One share's quite a lot, probably, isn't it? Which stock exchange is it on? Probably the Nikkei. Oh, no, I'm not going to do that, then. Or the Chinese one, if you ask Chris. No, no, no. oh no i'm not gonna do that then or the chinese one if you ask chris okay i don't know how to do it but i'll try and i'll have a look into it i'll have a look into it buy us all one nintendo share i'll give you the money back but it's like that thing do you know when they said if instead of buying the new iphone when it came out if you just bought the same amount of apple shares you'd be like a gazillionaire or something.

Yeah, but you wouldn't have got any texts. Yeah, true. You'd have had no mates. Complicated, isn't it? This is why we shouldn't be addressing it. Up 11% today, Nintendo shares. 10,000 yen a share. Yeah.

How much is that? 70 quid. That's all right. Actually, nearer 50 quid, last I checked. I'll get one for us to share, like a Switch. Yeah, that feels good. In my name. No.

Yeah. Yeah. Just write it into the deeds, write it into your will that we can look at it whenever we want. We should have done this before they announced that they were bringing out a new console, to be honest. It would have been the best time. I'll wait for the next console, then.

Are they ever going to do another console that's this is going to be the console going forward isn't it nintendo switch they're not going to do another like just home console as in like without a screen no i don't reckon unless they do yeah i don't i think they're they're locked into the dual function so how do you think the event's going to go? What do you think's going to happen? Is it true that you've been invited to this event primarily because of this podcast? No, it's, I don't know, it's at London's Excel. Okay. And it's going to basically be a sort of a series of stands

and with queues to go and play the things i think we've got a four hour window in there to have a go at the stuff do you want to do you want to know what games there are i mean this is gonna not going to come out until after i've been but you've got you've got that donkey kong one there's the new mar Kart World. There's Yakuza 0. There's the upgraded versions of Zelda. They're just the same games, just with a slightly fancy sheen on. I would go at it from the back. Go for the crapper ones, so I definitely get to play.

Everyone is going to watch a new Mario Kart, the new Donkey Kong. These are first party Nintendo games running at full pelt. Ignore them. Go to the boys to go watch Yakuza 0. Yakuza 0 DirectX, Cyberpunk 2077 Ultimate Edition. Or they could watch me play Sid Meier's Civilization VII for four hours. That's not enough time for a session. They've got the Nintendo Switch 2 Welcome Tour game.

But Chris, you say you go there and you go back. I know where you go straight away. Table six, Kirby and the Forgotten Lands, Nintendo Switch 2 edition plus Star-Crossed World. Yes, I would go there. I would go to see how Kirby's running at full pelt. I heard a little bit more about the Kirby guy today. Okay.

You know, you were telling us the story of why Kirby's called Kirby. Yeah, because of the guy. It was a lawyer, and he was the lawyer that defended them when Universal Studios came after them when they released Donkey Kong. Ah, okay. This is two new bits of information. They were saying that it was an infringement on the King Kong, the Universal King Kong film.

But he cited a time when Universal themselves had said that King Kong was in the public domain in order to get out of a lawsuit themselves. So boom. So he just took in what they did and spat it back out right arm, which is very much the Kirby way. To reward him, Nintendo made him look like a cunt. No, more like a sort of a very smooth testicle. That's not.

Yeah. One bollock. That's somebody that hasn't played. Sonal, will you get, you're a man with, I've seen you banking up over your shoulder. No,

you haven't. Too much money. Too much physical money. Sonal is a guy, this is for the lister. We'll have to cut this out. It's not for the lister. He's a guy who's got too much money in,

like he's got as much money as a pharaoh. So much, so much money that he can't spend it in this lifetime. No, that's not true, you see. So, Sunil, will you just buy a Nintendo Switch 2 with us so we can do these recordings while we play Mario Kart? Sorry, Sunil, Chris misspoke. Would you buy a Nintendo Switch 2 for us?

Now, if you two boys behave. He's going to get Chris. He'll get it for our joint birthday. It's a no. What? I've got a Nintendo Switch. Have you? That's enough.

Are we not friends? I think it's sort of like rotted away from the inside because I haven't played it for a couple of years. You've rotted away from the inside because you haven't played Nintendo Switch for a couple of years. We've all rotted away from the inside because you haven't played nintendo switch for a couple of years we all we've all rotted away from the inside all right yeah i'll get it outside very good chris you know i moisturize every day and use hair oil i don't know what games to play either kirby yakuza zero yin yin and yang i can't be sitting at home as a 44 year old man playing with a testicle on my Switch.

Hey, speaking of games on the Switch that won a BAFTA, Chris has won a BAFTA in a way. Oh, yeah, Chris has won a bloody BAFTA. Well done, Chris. Yeah, these lads. These lads. James and Will, who did Thank Goodness You're Here, it won Best British Game, I think, at the BAFTAs.

So very exciting. They took M Humble. Shout out, M. They took, shout out M Humble, who took pictures of us at the live show. She does a lot of stuff, but she's one of the voice actors in it. It looks like they had a great time.

I would love to know what you get in your little bag. Do you know what I mean? I think you get a little bag, don't you, if you win a BAFTA. I think you get a little bag just for going. Oh, I bet it's got a Nintendo Switch 2 in it. I thought you'd just get like a Rolex or something, don't you, if you win a BAFTA? I think you get a little bag just for going. Oh, I bet it's got a Nintendo Switch 2 in it. I thought you'd just get like a Rolex or something, don't you? One big Rolex equivalent to two Nintendo Switch 2s.

It's equivalent to a lot more than two Nintendo Switches, I think. Well, I don't want to upset anybody, but in this trading tariff era anyway. We haven't got any notes for this episode, have we? We're just going to freestyle it post dinner party. We do. You've done your Nintendo Switch, James. You've got barbecue season to chat about.

Barbecue season. I absolutely smashed it on Saturday. It's already started for you. I had the first barbecue of the year last Saturday. Absolutely freezing. It's perfect barbecue weather, Sunil, because it's nice and sunny so you can stand in it

but there aren't bugs. There's no bugs out. Okay. Yeah. And no one's tempted to take their top off either.

Or stand near you or join you outside in any way. Who are you cooking for? Me. And then the family can also have some.

Oh we talked about this last year didn't we? What barbecues everyone has. Well, this is why I want to be the pizza guy. I want to be the pizza guy. I'm like turning pizzas. You have to work so hard as the pizza guy. Pizza Yolo.

To keep it going, keep the pizzas going. Nobody's expecting the pizza guy to make small talk. Gives you strong forearms though, doesn't it? Tossing that door door talking about simultaneously stopping people talking so I can unpause an episode of

Chef's Table you know what I mean just to be like wait a second so I'm watching some guy from like New Jersey or something like that

make some pizza yeah are you actually making have you got a pizza oven in the garden no and it's a bit of a sticky like basically we had we've got a thing,

we've got an outdoor heater. It's not a pizza oven. No matter how close you hold it, he's just holding it up, fully stretched on tiptoes. Holding up his Urkla. Like, what is it? It's called a carai.

I don't know how to describe it, but it's like a... It's a little French barbecue, isn't it? It's a little fire pit type semi-circle of a bit of iron. Chris, I think you're going to air your grievances about your father or father-in-law. Yeah.

Smashing it. Smashing the stone. Not once, not twice, but thrice? Twice. Just twice. Okay. Twice is enough. I've said this before.

But you can just squeeze the, push the stone back together. No, it's fucked. I don't want to, I don't know about you, but you know when something's broken, I'm like, I don't want to ever touch it again. But with the pizza stone,

it is a bit checking the baby out with the bathwater. Yes. The pizza's not going to leap through the cracks. Can I do a countryside bit? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

There is a countryside bit. I don't want to talk about the Boca Pizza woman. Okay. You brought it up. I could just say it. I could say over the road that the guests have left the party. Claire and Steve live over the road and they run a B&B. So my bedroom is opposite a bedroom with a B&B.

Have I talked about this before? No. Well, basically the people in the B&B on their holidays, they forget they don't put their curtains down and stuff. Yes, because they might at home be used to having blinds or something. I don't know

I think you're on your holiday your mind's or they're exhibitionists mind's in a different place well it's it's too bright if you don't close it so no

what you don't we're not talking about your people are you do you know what I mean the city the city dwellers city people

we're talking about countryside people that are walking Hadrian's Wall these people rise with the sun. Oh, yeah. I've seen, I watch, I send you a message, I keep a close eye on that WhatsApp group.

I get it. I watch that tick turn blue at 11.28. And I'm not having a go because we work nights. We work nights. I'm not having a go yeah because we work nights we work nights i'm not knocking it but the nights that i work involve getting home at mad hours the nights that you work involve getting home at 10 38 do you know what i mean it's like i understand i understand i'm not having a go yeah what are you seeing what kind of body parts i'm just seeing people sort of getting up getting i'm trying to oh because over the road it's a it's a functioning business i spend a lot of my time trying to like suppress our families

you know like madness i'm trying to keep my like i'm trying to keep the front of my yard clean i'm trying not to leave the house wearing a vest. You're leaving the witch's broom up though. Leave the witch's broom up because as well, that's part of the tourist experience. I see. Yes. This is the weird house.

The Americans come in and the Americans, you know, like they take a bit, they can't get their head around it. No. Cause it's mad. Fundamentally. So that's what I do.

You've got gargoyles and stuff, I believe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be surprised how many people are being shown pictures of my house without consent. It'll blow your mind. But I like the theatre of it. I like the theatre of it. So I get to see into their house.

I get to see the guests that are there. The guests are all walking Adrian's wall so yeah it's it's a good time it's a good time fair enough

alright so Neil you're muted because you were you were hitting some hot vape so you muted yourself big update big update from me

I've now got a coffee table so I've got rid of the the air fryer box that I was using as a table. It's a storage ottoman. So you can put stuff in it as well. So I've got somewhere to put my feet up. I've also set up my weight stand. So I've got my weights on a stand now.

So that it doesn't do my back in when I lift them off the ground. Good. And also I've yet again been told that my telly is too small and it affected me. Who's telling you your telly's too small? All the boys are telling me that my telly's too small. Helen's new flatmate has got a bigger telly by, I think, five inches. Do you think that's why she moved? I think that's why she moved.

Go on, give me what dimensions you're looking at for the telly. Mine's a 50-inch telly, which I think is a perfectly reasonable size. I think that's a good size. Yeah, but we're in an arms race at the moment. So as soon as I bought the 50, one of my friends bought the 55, another one buys a 60, and suddenly I'm at the bottom of the pile from being at the top of the pile with a new telly. Yeah, yeah, but as somebody who's got a 65-inch telly,

because I just rounded up casually without measuring, I felt panic when I bought him a 65-inch telly. Oh, when you saw it, yeah. I felt sad. Not sad. Yeah, how did you fit it in the car? How did you get it back? It was delivered.

Oh, dear. It came on a van. On the side of a van like one of them glazier ones. Yeah. Van blew over it was a sale.

You thought it was one of them vans that's an advertising hoarding but actually it was your telly. I'm used to it now but I will go back down to 50 inch.

I would go to 50 inch. To the listeners next time you write in along with your internet download speeds please size your main telly in the house in inches big telly yeah and whether you're happy with it or not i i couldn't tell you off the top of my head how big mine is it's the because it's we've got there's a chimney and then there's like the two gaps beside the chimney and it's a good size for that like i don't think we could go that much bigger.

And have you got one telly in the house or more? There are three. Give us the question, the answer to the question that all the viewers, all the listeners want to hear. Do you have a telly in the bedroom? No, not my bedroom. Very classy. Not our bedroom, I mean. Yeah. Yeah, it's classy. Yeah, it is a a bit but you can watch stuff on your phone anyway yeah we get we'll get the laptop in if we want to

have a late night maths yeah yeah yeah australia which by the way i'm missing a really good episode of to record this you're welcome it'll be on demand don't worry we've all made sacrifices to be here tonight I miss the tail end of a delightful dinner party you only had four pints I've now got to sacrifice my Friday night to do another episode as well yeah

no no no no yes but crucially I tell you what no in my life it's just like I don't know I feel like you know

you know like Andy Warhol with his warehouse and you're like I've got I've got a podcast coming do you know what I mean

and you see like my wife's like yeah you yeah we've got to facilitate the podcast do you know what I mean yeah that's good of her yeah definitely

good respect finally bit of respect is she the Andy Warhol though because she's getting other people to do it to facilitate the podcast. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's good of her. Yeah, definitely. Good respect. Finally, bit of respect. Is she the Andy Warhol though? Because she's getting other people to do it because wasn't that the thing about Andy Warhol? Cheese your corona. I'm Andy Warhol. Wait, she's breaking up this podcast.

She's breaking up this podcast by honestly just asking us to do basic marketing. And we're like, we don't want this. We don't leave us alone. Apart from all that, the only other news is that I think I need reading glasses. But you've already got glasses. Yeah, how does that work? Do I have to swap them around all the time or what?

You know what? They've changed the name of, they've rebranded bifocals. Yeah, I've seen all this varifocal stuff. Varifocals sounds a bit cooler. But I think they've even changed the name of varifocal to like neutron lens. Well, you know, it's a shame. I've just found out I need them

just after I've ordered some new, one of those transitions lenses. Sunner sent me the website of a suit maker. Oh yeah, we talked about suits earlier. Chris is going to wear a suit for a big event we've got next month. Nice. But we've been watching,

have you been watching The Studio? Is that on Apple TV? Apple TV. That's the one I haven't got. Seth Rogen wearing a very, very cool, like, I don't know, 1910s, 1920s,

cut of a suit of a man of an age it's got me excited and someone was like check this out and then I've been having a look and you're like

this is the sort of vibe that I want classy at my era of just wearing t-shirts all the time t-shirts that say

stuff on it like blink 182 T-shirts that say stuff on it like... Blink-182. Those times are done, man. They're not coming back. Those times are done. I'll meet you at the rock show, do you know what I mean? I know what the black parade is. I wear suits now. Are you going to goailand and get them done no well get like five suits for a ten or whatever it is there is we talked about this james didn't we because you

used to wear suits when you you'd come from work and then go and do gigs in your suit or did you wear a suit just for gigging i wore a suit just for gigging i used to wear standard clothes like blink 182 t-shirts and then i would get changed into a suit to go and do gigging yeah and it you would you were talking me through tailors and stuff yes i remember well yeah used to have a big tailored suit big black tailored suit you just buy it you buy story short, find a suit in a colour you like in the sales. As long as it vaguely fits you, a tailor can make that fit you lovely. Navy blue, please. For like under 50 quid.

We're suit guys now, actually. It's the modern suits, the big lapels, though. I'm not a big fan of that. That's right. That's what we want. It's exactly. It's exactly the big lapel that's brought me back into the suit world. All right. That's what we want. It's exactly, it's exactly the big lapel that's brought me back into the suit world. All right, just get a normal notch though on the collar.

Don't get the one where the lower notch is bigger than the upper notch. Why? You look like a maitre d'. Don't like it. Don't like it. Or Dracula. No, but I think this is one of those things that when I try it on with my body shape, do you know what i mean i'm gonna look like i want to wear a trench coat but i got tiny little legs and a big torso i don't look good in a trench coat i wish i did yeah i'm worried about that

is that i'm gonna look like i'm in bugsy malone or something because i'm stood on another little boy's shoulders and we're trying to get into a 15. Should we get one suit for me and you to wear for this big event? Yeah, well, I might go and have a look at suits and it'd be something, it'd be interesting. I've never worn a suit on, oh yeah, I have worn a suit on stage. I wore it in Edinburgh 2022, I wore one every day, but with a t-shirt underneath and wearing trainers,

it wasn't quite the same vibe. Bit Doctor Who. Very Doctor Who. It's very mid-2000s. And it's also very, it just made things a lot easier. You didn't have to think about what to wear. It's like, all right, just a suit.

Uniform is good, especially when you're doing something like a stand-up. Yeah. So no, honestly, I think you I mean, I think you could be the next Doctor Who. Thank you, yeah. I don't mean that in a...

I heard he's the next Jimmy Bond. I mean, if they've gone, if they're picking Doctor Who's and they're like, this is the next one, they've taken a funny turn haven't they yeah right letters yeah let's have a letter let's have a letter please okay here's one letter

hi Chris James and Sunil my husband and I live in the suburbs of Seattle and have recently started a vegetable garden I grew up vegetable gardening but this is my gamer husband's first garden what crops can we plant to keep him as enthused as possible about the whole project for context my husband plays mostly rpgs and is a bit of a completionist love the podcast keep it up you guys are wonderful podcast companions to our middle-aged minecraft land knights and trips to the hardware store. Best, Hillary. Brackets, 41.34 MBPS up, slash 319.38 MBPS down.

Yeah. Grey bin for general waste, blue bin for recycling, green bin for yard waste and food scraps. Close brackets. PS, attached is a photo of my husband chucking things

into our local transfer station. He got pretty good distance with the broken vacuum cleaner. Very nice. Thank you, Hillary. That is nice. Shout out to your husband as well. Shout out to the husband, to the gamer thank you that's nice shout out to your husband as well shout out to the husband to the gamer husband that's a good throw that that's a

nice tip it is it's very tidy yeah lots about this just internationally sort of opening my brain a bit one calling a tip a transfer station i've never heard. That sounds like it's classy. Yeah. One good just to see some stuff going on there. Some tip stuff, a different tip. Look at him throwing it as well. Is it? Yeah. He's well,

this is a, this is a guy who's serious. He's got specialized. So we need to pick a plan for a garden. He likes RPGs and he's a completionist. So we basically need the equivalent of, I don't know, Siri coding, something like that. What's that?

Equivalent of what? It's a computer game. Does it need to be something quite quick though? Because they sort of blop up overnight or is it something that can last a bit longer? We're dealing with a gamer. Gamers are interested because they've got short attention spans, but if someone's right,

they'll give it, you know, 120 hours. Do you not need to split it into like quadrants and have something which grows each season maybe? Oh yeah. You're right. We need to turn to Stardew Valley.

Stardew Valley, where you can, you take over a farm from a dead relative and then you, you don't just, have you ever played Stardew Valley Sonata? Maybe in lockdown I think I played it for half an hour. Yeah, you see you bounced off of it because you didn't, you weren't

ready to open your mind to love basically. You can fall in love with people in the village. Right. Is that part of the game you go and you sell things yeah so we need the rotation so carrots seasonally it goes carrots then it's turnips turnips and then it's mushrooms mushrooms feel like they're year-round though and then marijuana there you are hillary that's the full crop rotation there's something there for every meal basically strawberries go quick pretty quick and you get

strawberries out of them oh really all year round no but just for a bit but it's protecting them against pests like we planted some broccoli because broccoli is But it's protecting them against pests. Like we planted some broccoli because broccoli is, because it's famously a flower, you can cut it and it'll grow back and cut it and it'll grow back. But for us at the minute, it's getting past the bit

where the leaves just keep getting eaten by slugs. You don't eat the leaves anyway, do you? No, but they need the leaves to grow. Oh, yeah. That's plants typically, isn't it? Yeah. Well, I hope that helped hillary not leaks stay away from leaks probably well actually what would make it interesting maybe for your husband

is to grow leaks at the same time and compare it to how chris does later in the year yeah that's a bit of a competitive edge after the telly inches the is, how are your leaks coming along? Yeah. The only thing is, with the leaks, is that I'm behind. But Dave that I'm doing it with, he's behind me. Oh, so you're that guy now. Are you the new Richard? Yeah, I'm the new Richard.

Is Dave going to get a Richard in or does Dave think, is Dave going to become the Richard? It's a pyramid scheme. It's who's the knobbed at the bottom. But I'm going to, I said to Nicola, I said, listen, what we're doing at the weekend,

Dave needs to, I'm going to be there as a motivational coach, which means that Dave's going to dig out his leak trench and I'm going to sit on a wall and watch him. It's all very wholesome fun, though, isn't it? It is.

It's good clean fun. It's good clean fun trying not to be the knobhead of the village. It's the second time you've said Leak Trench, and I'm going to ask, what is a Leak Trench? I don't know exactly what the terminology is because it's what they all call it. But from the pictures, it's just like a dedicated bed of, but they call it trenches.

You know, I could dug over a bit that's got compost, fertilizer, whatever in it to give it nutrients. And they're planting the leaks in there. Is it a lower, specially lowered bit for the leeks, or are they in a line? I presume that it must be. But, James, crucially, I've not looked it up, have I? Right, here we go.

My turn to look it up now. Is it, let me open Claude? Stop talking to Claude. Well, I mean, we did this last time and it turned out you didn't know a single thing about growing leeks no but what we

decided is that it's based it's not based on what an AI tells you it's what it's what's based in your heart it'd be your heart doesn't have any

knowledge or leeks right so that's six to eight six to eight inches deep eight to twelve inches wide add compost or well-rotted manure to the bottom.

Young leek seedlings in the trench, six inches apart. And then as the leeks grow, gradually fill in the trench with soil around the stems. That's what I'm asking about. Thank you very much. So as it grows, that's what you were talking about, Chris. The bits that stick out go green. So you need to keep packing the soil above it to keep,

keep those bits from going green and keep them staying white. You did actually say that at the start of this whole leak odyssey. You did, you did know something. You've actually, you've actually learned, you've actually forgotten leak knowledge in your leak club journey. I've gone back. Honestly. You've got less leak knowledge than you started with.

Honestly, this is the first time I'm hearing any of this. You said it. You said the third thing. That's the only way I know that because it's just, and it's just been verified by Sunil's leak trench. Yeah. Yeah.

But this is, this is how we're going to win because I'm not just doing the leak club. We are doing the leak club. Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah you're not richard in me you're not richard in me no no no no i'm not part of this i'm not part of this i'm not lower i'm not you're in your ponzi pyramid scheme or whatever you wanted to say that and end on a nice sting didn't you but we wouldn't let you yeah yeah i was. Could you feel my radio voice trying to bounce out of it into an ice-clean ending? No chance.

The true prize at Leak Club wasn't the leaks, it was the saps that we pulled in along the way to be worse than us. Fleece the money. There we go, There's the stick. Thank you for listening to this episode of Rural Concerns. We're bringing Rural Concerns live to Manchester's Fairfield Social Club on the 22nd of November 2025, and the ticket link is in the show notes.

Come and see me in Newcastle. Come and see me in Charlie. Come and see me in Wells Comedy Festival. Come and see me, Edinburgh Fringe, doing a whip. There you go. Whip means work in progress. It's a new show. Whip means work in progress.

And what does work in progress mean? It means I've got a notebook. It means I've got no jokes, but like a guiding spirit of what I want it to feel like in over a year's time. It's a vibe-based show. That's fun, doesn't it? And that's at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe Festival Fringe.

I don't want to say morning, I've just said. If you'd like to support Rural Concerns, you could leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or even Spotify, and you could leave comments on Spotify, and Chris will respond. Yeah, I do. I have a chat. People, I'm getting, I'm feeling, I'm talking to people about the, I'm talking to people about leaks.

We're talking about leaks on the podcast. A lot of people are in the comments giving advice on leaks, and it's freaking me out. It's well-meaning, and it's lovely, but I don't fundamentally know what I'm doing, so I'm getting multiple tosses of advice and I'm just panicking. Cool. But thanks for messaging in.

Yeah, I shouldn't have left it. But the script is written, for luck. Right. Whose turn is it? The best way to support us is by becoming a Royal Concerns Patreon. For just a small donation, you'll not only be supporting a fiercely independent podcast, which is that this is, you'll also get weekly bonus episodes and access to our dedicated Discord server,

The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hilstead, our music is by Sam O'Leary, and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, entertainment lawyer.

Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Can I have a cig please? Actually, two. One for me, one for the babby. Bros!

And it's produced by Egg Mountain for a lovely time productions lovely stuff yeah I said to my barber give me a beard like that lad in Dune

ah oh yeah what's his name Oscar Isaac oh yeah and he said he's never seen Dune because he doesn't like films with sand in it. What? Yeah, so we went

with this. Any of them? No, he doesn't like any sandy films. No sand in films? No, sand or snow. He doesn't like either. So he's not seen Mad Max? Not seen Mad Max. No, he specifically said, watched a bit of it, didn't like it because there's too much sand. What about Snowpiercer?

Obviously not. What about Jack Frost? Well, I've got confused. How is Snow Ice? What? How is Snow Ice? Yeah. He doesn't like deserts, and then he's not watching Snowpiercer.

No, no, he doesn't like deserts. He doesn't like sand or snow. Snow is the sort of sand of cold, isn't it, in a way? Snow is the sand of cold. Yeah. It's... Terrible Sue is Banoffee Pie. Snow's the sand of cold. Bong.

Like that.