Rural Concerns - Chickens, vandals & cities of the future

Episode Date: May 27, 2025

This live episode was recorded at the 2025 London Podcast Show! Chris desires justice, Sunil conducts Satan’s taste test and James anoints himself King of the Pizzas! Also, why can’t all tech be wireless? Thank you to everyone who attended this live show!   Chris is performing his Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated show for the final time on 14th June in Newcastle Upon Tune! Check it out on his international website.    Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery.   Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

I've remembered to hit record which is a start at the very least I'm the producer of this show and today we're going to be recording next week's episode. So that's why that was quite vital. But please, can none of you scream anything treasonous? For the next hour. Just the next hour. Yeah, I'm the producer. My job is spinning plates.

In this case, one plate has a prize-winning cat on it that I need to rouse, but not startle. And the other plate is fragile and often sounds like it's going to cry. So you can guess which is which. So please, welcome to the stage, Chris Cantrell and Sunil Patel. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks very much.

Lovely to be here. All right, well, first of all, give us a cheer if you are a listener of the podcast. Oh, great. And give us a cheer if you want to dismantle the monarchy. No, don't. No, no, no. I like it.

First edit point. Edit point. Okay, I'm going to introduce myself. Can you introduce yourself inoffensively? Yeah, all right. Thank you. My name is Chris Cantrell, and in 2020, I moved from Manchester to a small village on Hadrian's Wall.

Initially, the primitive Northumbrian savages treated me with suspicion and hostility, but gradually I won them over through a mix of kindness and animalistic brutality. I hit one lad with a plank. It would have been so easy to finish him off but instead I helped him up and we drank over 38 bottles of continental lager.

Now he works for me. Driving elderly people to polling stations to put a big old X next to a phone. As our podcast's rural correspondent, I investigate the contemporary issues facing countryside community, such as rewilding, fly-tipping and cunts from London trying to take my log burner. When I'm not fighting off overly ambitious young Northumbrian males,

I can be heard screaming, what the fuck have I done with my life, into the severed stump of Sycamore Gap. That's great, Chris. Thank you. My name is Sunil Patel. I live in London, the greatest city in the world. Okay. All right. As a high-performance individual, I am energised by this city's relentless apat... city in the world. Okay. All right.

As a high performance individual, I am energized by this city's relentless appetite. I don't know why they're laughing. As a high performance individual, I'm energized by this city's relentless

appetite for success. Much like London, I too am intolerant to weakness. I think, I think men crying is fucked up. And I find the way Spanish people have a little sleep in the afternoon to be repulsive. As our podcast's metropolitan ambassador, it's my job to rigorously challenge Chris's backwards rural logic whilst offering amusing anecdotes from hedonistic, substance-fuelled adventures in London's most exclusive male-only spaces.

I also sometimes read articles from Witch magazine for some reason. Now, when I'm not exploring London's darkest nooks and crannies, I do posts on Reddit where I ask if anyone can direct me to the good Beatles songs. Yes, and as a producer, it's my job that we stay on topic and don't get cancelled by the woke Nazis and the far-right commies. I live in a cul-de-sac in the suburbs and I'm chair of the PTA. And on the weekends, I coach the local juniors cricket team, which is just an excuse for a big old lash. I'm a community leader and people look up to me.

When an issue is raised in the parish council meeting people look to me for comment first and nobody has any idea that in the dead of night I sneak out of my house and I put my todger on every car door handle I can find I can't tell you why I do it nor why I leave the little fellow unwashed so it's absolutely honking.

Dear gentlemen, let's discuss the matters of the day. Fucking hell, there we go. To get to that, the stress to get to that. It's been stressful. Yes. Wow. You look like you needed a hug a few times, but I didn't want to give you one.

No. Me and James have been rowing all day as well. My text. My text. I'll show you screen grabs. So it got quite pass-hacky. We shouldn't do that again. I think it got quite good.

I thought it was quite funny at points. It was. It got funny at the end. I never hear about this, though. I just have a very, like, I'm eating dinner. You're just very quiet eating dinner. None of you said anything. Yeah, texting each other, slagging each other off.

Can I just explain? Yeah, well, yeah. Chris wanted a musical bed. I said no. So I had to, I do pride myself on always being able to admit when I'm wrong. So I said, fair enough on that one, but I clenched my teeth so hard,

my gum started bleeding. But now let's have a bit of fun with the London podcast show has to be said not in the

sort of for a fair of the main glut of the festival not even when the main festival was on no

the warm up do you know what I mean they need to get some vibes in who's outside of can bring Alistair Campbell in you know what I mean you can't bring get some vibes in. Who's that sort of can bring Alistair Campbell in? Do you know what I mean?

You can't bring Alistair Campbell in cold. You've got to feel the energy of a conference room. What else we got to say? Yeah, we're recording it. Yeah, there's probably quite a lot of industry people in today, so let's keep it nice. What's your name? Matt.

What big media brand do you work for? Are you on the SanDisk stall? He is, he is. He is, he is. He's got an SD card, mate. He's the head of SanDisk. Anyone else? Have we got just a couple of friends?

Like, if you listen to this podcast, we've got in a family contingent. We've got in my wife, Nicola. There you are. There you are. They've not been... I've not been great to you either, have I really? I've been a nightmare. Because normally when I come to London,

it's normally my break away from her. You know what I mean? Because when we first moved, really, I sort of spend a lot of time, not 50-50, but I'm up there in the fells, beautiful times. But then I do get to routinely come down here for little coffees. It's a time when I can do what I want, but she's like asking me

where do you want to go? What time do you want to be at places? I'm just going to knock her. This is the continental way, do you know what I mean? So I would like to apologise. I've apologised to James. I've apologised to Nicola. In a way, in a way.

In a way. Still don't think I'm in the wrong book. I've also got my father-in-law Malcolm in. So that's good, because that means a lot of stuff I don't even need to edit out, because he's just simply not going to say it, I hope. No, he's going to make us say it in the script, isn't he? Oh, yeah.

The only thing I would say recently is my father-in-law, we live in the same village. They live on top of the hill. We've got a little boy, so we eat tea quite early and they're walking their dogs around the same time. So they're basically, Malcolm will come in and Jenny, Malcolm's wife, my mother-in-law they'll come in when they're walking

the dogs when we're eating his tea so routinely they'll just watch me eat my tea you know which is fine

but at the minute they're going through like they're selling a house and it's hard work it's really stressful so I figured out that if I want to

eat my tea in peace I just ask him how the house sale is going and then it's like yeah we better go I figured out that if I want to eat my tea in peace, I just ask him how the house sale's going. And then he's like, yeah, we better go. But where I, like, where I, there's like these quiet roads. I nearly got attacked by a dog.

Really? Last week when I was running. An old lady with two crutches, and she's got these two dogs, and she can't look after them. And they started circling me, like, she had a bow in the teeth. Yeah. And I was like, it got to a point where I,

in my head, I was like, oh, they're like a lion. But I think I went, get back! And whatever it is, it was so nasal. Yeah. It was so nasal that they ran off. It was so high pitched, they got the dogs. It was like a dog whistle, they just bolted. A load of teenagers ran away. So have we got anyone in from the city?

Yeah. From the city of London? Don't be ashamed of it. That's fine. Do you live in London? Congratulations, guys. Well done, well done. You must be doing very well.

I don't think people up north say thank you enough. All the hard work that you guys do. What's your idea of the countryside? You are like, what's your three words? You live in the countryside. Right, okay, thank you. Trees, one, that's one. Trees.

Fields. Fields, yeah. Cows. Cows. Cows. Yeah, yeah. That's all right, actually. Put it back on.

Where do you guys live in London? Yeah. Whereabouts? Stratford. Yeah, nice. Oh, God. Nice to have proper London, yeah. I'll take that as an answer, absolutely.

Have you ever seen a field or a tree or a cow? Yeah. Cool. All right. Just checking. There we go. Do you know Cockney Dave? Do you work in the media?

No. Oh, nice. Good. Wow. Yeah, you work in the media? No. Oh, nice. Good. Wow. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. Sandisk. It's media.

It's isn't it? It's a formal media. We only agreed to do this because they promised us with me, Alistair Campbell. Oh, close. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. From the countryside.

We've done that. Yeah, we've already done that. Can I say Cockney Dave again? Come on, what should we do now, Chris? Not any of that, none of that, what you were going to say. Should we do the countryside bit? Yeah, let's do it. Let's do the countryside bit.

He's still touch and go with his machine, you know. Haven't had a Mac before. Haven't used QLab before. And I've just about done it. But if something goes wrong as it did today, where they're just like, you know, like they're fiddling with the settings and it's fine unless one thing goes wrong.

And then I'm absolutely fucked beyond all measure. So I think this is going well. So this is a countryside bit where I talk about, if you haven't listened before, I talk about life, life going on in the Northumbrian fells

where I live. So recently, what's come to my attention, two little bits. One, a chicken. We have a chicken, a very territorial chicken

that is basically, like two dogs up. There's a man. He's showing. No, the editor's in. He stayed well clear. Fair enough. We'll snip this bit here.

Oh, really? Oh, gosh. Hey, obviously. Oh, the only thing I want recorded is that I love my wife. So they've got this, we live rurally, but the street where we live, basically, it's in a rural community, but it's a street. It's a residential street.

It's called the street, isn't it? It's called the road. Oh. Not as fancy as a street. But they've got chickens, and I've just been watching them, the chicken crows. How often would you say, Nicola? Every eight seconds.

Every eight seconds from four o'clock in the morning. Till when? All day? All day. Oh. All day. Till 3.59am then. Yeah. Right.

Hasn't been long. Quick chicken vape. But, so this is just just I don't hate it because it's like do you know what I mean when you live in the city what noises do you hear somehow

foxes yeah motorbikes sirens and some actually I used to live next door to some chickens did you

that really doesn't help me with this but it's like it's like oh I live in the countryside there's farm animals but it is a bit annoying

now what I noticed is people are complaining the lady But it's like a thing. It's like, oh, I live in the countryside. There's farm animals. But it is a bit annoying. Now, what I noticed is people are complaining. The lady, who might or might not be fair, she's always trying to, they're trying to, like, respond to the neighbours and capture the chickens. So they, she basically, she holds the, she picks the chicken up and tells the chicken off. But what I realised is a chicken is a beast that you cannot impose your will on.

No. Do you know what I mean? It's like in Rocky, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. It can't be, she picks it up, literally. It's like the training is him chasing a chicken. Oh, right.

I thought it was like Adrian gives him a cuddle to calm him down. But she basically tells the chicken off, picks it up. Literally 20 seconds later, it's back on the wall. Can you train a chicken? You can't tell off a chicken. Yeah, famously, I don't think you can train a chicken. Have you got Wi-Fi? Can we check it?

Yeah, I will. I'll check it. But this week, oh no, two weeks ago, a man has been fined for having, for his neighbours complained, and he had to pay three grand. For his chickens? Yeah. Wow.

For noisy chicken? Yeah. In the countryside as well. That doesn't really make sense. In what sense? Well, you'd have thought that as a normal part of countryside life. Yeah. If it was in the city, yeah, that would kind of make sense.

Yeah, but like I say, we're not on a farm. No. We're on a sheet with terraced houses. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Just some random chickens making fuss. Do you think it's a chicken that moved from the city to the countryside and it's moaning about not having little coffees? Is the chicken a metaphor for you, Chris?

I can see it. See it now. No, they reckon it's like, because it's got two hens as well. And basically they reckon the hens are henning, so he's like freaking out, trying to protect them. Right. But there is an off-the-cards coup to murder it. Fun.

Coup. That's for doves. They're going to murder it. What? Your neighbour's chicken. They're talking about doing a joke. He's already paid three grand as a fine. No, no, no.

This happened in another bit of the joke. He's already paid three grand as a fine. No, no, no. This happened in another bit of the country. That's a legal precedent. Ah, okay. Make some money then. No. He doesn't get the money from the fine.

Who gets the money from the fine? As in he's fined by the council for a noise complaint. Have you got potholes on the road? Get them fixed

by the chicken. What about mushing the chicken down? That's one option. Yeah, that would work for a bit, I suppose. I'll update that when it's dead. I won't talk about it until the job's done. Right.

Next up, Sycamore Gap. Guilty. Finally. Is everyone here aware of the Sycamore Gap? Yes, good. Okay. Yeah. Listen, full confession. I did it. No, I didn't. I didn't.

But we talked about this. I said, should we talk? I said, we should talk about Sycamore Gap. And James said to me, try and make it funny. And I said, that's like saying to Marco Pierre White, do you know what I mean? Make sure that food's a bit nice, do you know what I mean? It was out of order, but he did have a point. Because it is quite dark, because if you don't know, there's these two lads, it's just classic

lads having a laugh. 37 and 32 as well they were. 39. 39 and 32. 32, wow. But it's a great advert for if you're feeling a bit if you're in your 40s and you feel a bit then you look at this lad he's 39 you're hard life hard rural life but they're basically dickheads but did people there suspect those guys already were those names

circulating there was a big story going around that they basically arrested a 16 year old lad released and what the story that i heard locally was that a week before it happened, there'd been some ongoing dispute with the national trust over the land. And he'd been, this guy had been living and he got thrown off the week before. So when I heard that, I was like, it's definitely,

but what happened in reality is nothing chaos. These guys are like the Joker. You know what I mean? Exhausting. And then the thing that really annoyed me when they're talking about it is they were like, it's just a tree.

Why are people reacting like that? And I thought, you wouldn't have cut it down if you thought it was just a tree. Do you know what I mean? You knew exactly what you were doing. Apparently one of them was obsessed with it. Really?

He had a bit of string. Like it's a world famous tree. He was obsessed with it. Really? He had a bit of string. Like it's a world famous tree. He was mad with it. What was that about the string? What was the string thing? What was the bit when you said about the string? He had a bit of string from when he was a kid. Yeah, he did say that.

He had it from a school trip where he went around and measured the circumference of the tree. So he had sentimental attachment to this bit of string from the tree. Yeah, I've seen, yeah. And he's obviously- You've seen string? No, I've seen- Have you ever seen Search Party?

Yeah. The sitcom? No. Oh, right. There's a bit in it where he paints a woman's face on the tree and fucks it. What? Right? Just on the subject of emotional attachments to trees,

that's all that was. I don't think that's emotional. That's just pure lust. Can you speak to that a bit further? Is that? Well, I mean, that was the bit, it was in the show. Okay. Right.

So the question is now, there's been a growing clamour that they should not serve a custodial sentence. What does that mean? I don't know what that means. As in, they're on the hook for a pound of 600 grand, and there'll be some form of custodial sentence. They're going to jail for a period as punishment.

Now, there's an argument that obviously prisons are just collapsing and it's mad. So they were like basically looking a lot more symbolic. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. So what can you do to basically make it hammer home without sending them to jail? Paint a face on it.

Paint a face on it and make them shag it. Yeah. No. No? No, but there was a chat where it was like saying, my friend said they should plant a tree for every ring. But I think it's 250 years old, so it's like 250 rings. Yeah.

Yeah, that's good. So it's like an afternoon. Yeah, it's not long, is it? Is it not? What should we do to them? What do you think? I'm going to repeat whatever you say into the microphone, by the way. I'll be the voice of the people.

Is it not? Yeah, make them sort the potholes they can fill the potholes you could fashion what's it called when they put their head and the arms through oh socks yeah

out of the tree and then chuck bits of the tree at them I'll paint my face on what did they do with the tree they chopped it down and left it there

yeah well they're not going to take it away it was massive they took a ring there's a photo of it in the boot but it's never

actually been reclaimed because he must have panicked and burnt it or something like that what would you do to him Chris this is this is your

Marco Pio White moment I would cover him in like treacle and like send him running through the veils

and send like a pack of dogs after them I don't know I don't know. I don't think dogs really like treacle that much. Treacle loving dogs. We'd find some treacle loving dogs.

So we train dogs to love treacle. And then they'll just lick the treacle off these lads. That'd be quite nice. And then they'll just be naked in the vales. I had a friend, I have a friend who's in Newcastle, he's called Sam, and he grew up where I live, or thereabouts, and he said that, he said that rural justice, like, they don't forget, and he says that

when the violence happens, it's sudden and brutal. And he talked about, he talked about, like, lads getting flayed by farmers and stuff, do you know what I mean? Did he? What? In recent times? Like, apparently so. Flayed?

Flayed by farmers. Where they put all their skin off. Where they peel their skin off. Eh? That's what flaying is. Yeah, when they get all their skin. And this is what happens when you get, the countryside doesn't forget. It's not true though, is it?

When I get internet, I'm going to Google when the last person was flayed in the North. So should we round that section up? Yeah. Right, so just to end this section, now what I wanted to do was put together a little video for you so that you can see what my life on the countryside is like, because I think it's good to have a visual aid. So I went up on Hadrian's Wall,

but things didn't quite go to plan. So obviously at this point we played a video and this is an audio medium, so we can't do that now. If you want access to that video, please join us at patreon.com forward slash rural concerns, where you'll get to see that and you'll get a load of other bonus episodes and all sorts of nonsense. It's basically Chris tries to make a video but his kid's in the background swearing. There you go. Wow.

It's like we're swearing the horse has bolted. We're just trying to teach him context as best we can. Do you know what I mean? Like, we're saying if you say that in front of Nana, you

are dead. Also, you dress your kid as Biff Tannen. We're trying to get him to dress a bit, like, dress your clothes that you're undressed but he pulls it out of a drawer I like it

I like the vibe erratic he's a good he's a good lad so let's move on to I forgot about that I forgot about that being on there it's a good line there's life size head I forgot about that. I forgot about that being on there.

It's a good light that's life-size head. I didn't think the screen would be big enough. Yeah, it's good. So James lives in the same cul-de-sac as David Camu, former Prime Minister. I don't. You did? No, I live down the road from Boris Johnson and Theresa May. It's two very different prime ministers.

Is it like a Tommy Bolt hole then? It's just the country, sort of the bit of the countryside. Yeah, right, yes. Big waitrose. Yeah, that's the second. We've got our sages or our waitrose. You've got to have choices. There used to be a co-op, but it shut because it smelled.

It did, but this weekend I became the pizza king again. Right. I had an outdoor pizza oven and my pizza yolo is bang on now. I can do the fire. I can do the dough. I can now throw the pizzas. First class, yes, you're right to nod appreciatively. I'm king of the pizzas.

What does that mean? Take me through your dough process. I do. Actually, the Manchester, I think of it as the Manchester method because it's no need. And I have a little bit of fun in games where I go, no need, fella, no need. And I have fun.

That is nice, James. That is nice. I have fun in my own head. You just, basically, it as a type of dough, you just basically leave it and it just turns into, you mix it, do it a bit and yeah, leave it. Fling it about. Barely even fling it.

Oh yeah, you do the little. Roll it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Toppings? Yeah, definitely always. Which ones? Tomato. Just a passata.

Don't need anything more. You don't need to mess around. You don't need to like reduce anything down just simple passata really good mozzarella cheese yeah buffalo if they've got it

and that's it in the waitrose and maybe a little grate in a parmesan that's the hack little grate in a parmesan even if it's just a pizza express

going in the oven grate your parmesan on it and it'll taste passable I'm not here Basil yeah well you're making it I'm not here. Basil? Yeah.

Well, you're making it. I'm saying it. What am I making it for you? What are you on? It's your pizza. I want to know what you're putting on. That and then. Everything I've said.

Yes. And then the other thing. And then the next things that you say. What's the other thing? Sweet corn? Nah. Right. Okay. We've got a no now.

Yeah. No. Come on. I'm not going to go that far. All right. Sorry. Chicken? Bits of chicken? No. Right, okay, we've got a no now. Yeah, no, no, come on. I'm not going to go that far. All right, sorry. Chicken, bits of chicken. No. Not even that chicken, the noisy one.

Right, fair enough. Malcolm, what are you putting on there? Are you making one in the garden as well? Have you got any history with pizza ovens, pizza stones or anything? No. Okay, good. Right. Do you want to think about that question again?

What do you think of this setup? Pizza base. Fine. Tomato sauce. Yes. Pick a filling. Pick a topping. Cheese.

No, no. Right. If you're having ham on it, yeah? Yeah. So pizza base. Yeah. Tomato. Yeah.

Ham. What? Cheese. On top. What do you think it is? You can put the mozzarella. On top of the ham, yeah. The cheese, all the cheese on top of the, what?

What I would call the toppings. Yeah, they're not toppings then, they're middlings. You don't want the ham to get crispy under the heat. Yeah. Is that desirable? No, it's bad. It's more desirable to have a crispy bit on top than it is to have a wet bit underneath. You've got to keep it spicy when you're

in your 40s that's all I'm saying and on that issue I have nothing else to add just wanted to get a second view you should eat

what you like I think yeah me too but guys I also went I got gadget crazy this weekend because it's been

quite sunny so I got the chrysalil I got the power washer out got it's been quite sunny. So I got the Chris O'Neill. I got the power washer out. Got the fucking power washer. The carcher too. That's your own one or hired in?

It was a gift from my father-in-law. Yeah, that makes sense. He gives me clothes to make me look successful. And he gives me jet washes to make the patio look successful. What sort of clothes does he buy you? Jackets that are too big for him. Just his friends, I think. to make the patio look successful. What sort of clothes does he buy you? You're farfing off. Jackets that are too big for him. Just his friends, I think. Just put this gilet on and come and eat some of my mates.

Exactly. That has exactly happened. That shirt I was wearing earlier, that was from him. Was it? Yeah, it's a casual shirt that's dry clean only. Ridiculous. Does your wife know anything about this? Like your special trips away where you're farthing?

He buys me coats and stuff to keep me quiet. Okay. So I went large with his jet wash the weekend. And with the jet wash, someone bought you a jet wash for a birthday present, didn't they? No, they bought me a day with a jet wash for my birthday. Red letter day is still a go.

Yeah, it's like a red letter day thing. So I'm allowed to hire one from H hss for a day you can come around and finish off my patio if you want i missed a bit by the garage all right not the garage the shed no i've yet to cash in that token but i mean i don't really have anything to jet wash i've got a patio yeah but i'm not i'm not hiring a jet wash from hss in tooting and then driving up to wherever you live redacted with a jet wash we'll come and use my jet wash then. Oh that, that's what you said. And I'll give you a quid because that's what I give the kids. Alright well I'll

give you five quid back for letting me use it. But you should use it to put on a Batman-esque figure within your area and you know like kids playing music on buses. Oh is this when I said I'd not like blow someone's head off with it? Yeah yeah yeah. You can't get a jet wash on a bus. You can't because it's got to be connected to a water supply. Yeah, you've got to be on a hose and electricity.

That's how they get you in the end, isn't it? Who? Who? Interpol. Let's move on. Well, hang on. How was the jet wash day? It was great fun.

Yeah, I made a video. This is another video of me doing a jet washer and I hilariously drew a cock and balls with it. For access to that, go to patreon.com forward slash rule concerns. That's great. That's basically the jet wash. That was a lot of good fun it was good

it was good I was it's like exercise it's a lot of faff to get it out and get it going but once you're in the zone how often do you get

to crack it out yearly yeah round this time and I think I will do it at the end of the summer so it's ready for the winter

and then I just don't simple as that simple as that simple as that I like that you didn it's ready for the winter and then I just don't. Simple as that. Simple as that. Simple as that. I like that you drew the knob and balls, but then it almost instantly panicked and got rid of it. Well, the kids were watching through the window. I didn't want to give them too many ideas.

Are they allowed to go on? This fucking cunt's trying to make me laugh. Who says I'm not this cunt's trying? I let him fire it but I had to stay hold of it because your words were ringing in my ears they were going to pop my head with it okay move on to the city bit

I think so yeah I think it's about time there is the city bit alright Simon yeah it's nice man thank you There is the city there. Do you like it, Sonner? Yeah, it's nice, man. Thank you. Right. Where do you live?

London. Zone one or two? Oh, two. Oh, come on. Come on. He's not made of money. Well, you want the exact area? I want it zoned in one degree more.

How do I zone in from zones? The thing like... I don't know where you live is what i'm trying to ask you've got have you not been to my you haven't been to my flight have you no because i asked if i could stay tonight but he said i don't have a bed i said i don't have a sofa you don't have a sofa you still don't have a sofa no but he's basically he's basically doing as we all, like he's become one of these places that becomes like a refuge for middle-aged comedians that need to pop into London for one night. So he's made his flat a hostile environment. It's like the equivalent of putting them spikes on the outside of a building, but emotionally.

It's what Bill Clinton did to the American border. Do you know what I mean? Dale Winter? Dale Winter. The president of Bill Clinton, he was hostile borders. So they policed the public areas which forced people

to use the natural terrain into dangerous crossing. If you don't know, if you've never been, he's not a character. I haven't been to my house, no. I know what Zoe's like. If you've never been

to Sutherland's house, but do it. Because he't been to my house, no. You've never been to Son-El's house. But do it. Because he's got like... I've got two armchairs. For you and the housemate. Yeah, and that's it. Telly? Oh yeah, I've got a telly.

Come on. Yeah, I've got a table now. Fork? Yeah, I've got loads of forks and knives now, yeah. Yeah. I've got two bowls. There was a time when you had one fork, one knife. Yeah, that was lockdown.

It was just me on my own. Yeah. But yeah, so the plan is there will be a sofa coming soon, but I've measured the shortest person that's ever wanted to stay on our sofa and I've gone two centimetres under in length. So you've gone for a cuddle couch set up. 165cm, yeah. Oh, I'd fit in. You could curl up on there set up. 165 CM, yeah. All right.

I'd fit in. You could curl up on there, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm staying with Hilary tonight and my wife. You want to help? This is Nicholas coming and ruining my second London marriage. I was riveted.

Wait a minute, your second London marriage? Because the first one I met her, don't I? Oh, okay, right, right, right. So, Sonal, give us the lowdown. What's going on in London town? What, genuinely? Yeah, because I think that I read a book called Time Skip by Alvin

Toffler, and he talked about there were cities of the future. Cities that, to all extents, don't look at me like that. of the future cities that by to all extents don't look at me like that you keep saying about it to all extents and purposes like like Tokyo compared to Redcar in the northeast do you know what I mean it essentially Tokyo is living like 10 years in the future to the lives of people in Redcar do you think they'll get there yeah but that's what i think when you go to see london and you see plays and stuff and you're like there's a play and it's like it might be do you not mind there but to toro yeah it's like that might be touring regionally in 2029 you know it's our thing yeah so it's like you get to live

a future that we don't have yeah Yeah. So what are the trends? What's going on? Not a lot, Chris, to be honest. I've got my stolen car back. Have you? Yeah, it's all back. Thank you. Oh, I said at Charlotte's house last night.

Stole a car. You have to stop using everyone's names. Yeah, first names. Charlotte's got a Skoda. Yeah. Yeah. What happened? Stolen.

It does not get stolen. But Toyota, grab four, did getoda. Yeah. Yeah. What happened? Stolen. Does not get stolen, but Toyota, Grab 4, did get stolen. Oh, yeah. You've moved to the Skoda, but before, Toyota.

Yeah. Same thing. Yeah. So I've got to get rid of it. They just lift the wheels. Yeah, they just put their hand through the wheel arch,

put the computer in, drive it off. Drive it off. It's really as simple as that we should cut that though because that's like teaching people how to make a bomb

well look I've now parked it in my friend's garage so I can't use it at the moment unfortunately you've got a friend with a garage in London yeah

well my old housemate Helen Bower she's got a garage you've got a friend with a garage in London and none of you have got a spare bedroom

for me you can sleep in your car in the garage you can got a phone with a garage in London and none of you have got a spare bedroom for me you can sleep in your car in the garage you can do it you can sleep in the car in the garage keep it safe keep you safe

you can sleep in the car in the garage keep you safe 41 years old I don't want to sleep in a garage I was hoping my garage years are behind me

but I was just saying there's a lot of hotels in this city just saying, there's a lot of hotels in this city. Just saying. No, when I get my new sofa, you're welcome to have a little curl up on that. Right, so.

So you've got a few things that you've written down that you want to talk about in London. Do you want to? These are the possible segments, I think. Yeah, go on then. What are these possible segments? Well, these were a private joke. We're not going to do those bits. Well, we're doing we're doing this main bit down underneath it no no just read through some of the stuff that

read that one out that i've highlighted i'm not reading that where senil reviews expensive fragrance shops e.g asap by redo etc based on how good their hand cream is to jerk off with another one he says he could rank the Boers of London by milf count. Rating. But to be fair to him, he had said I would be uncomfortable doing that. Got the review of knockoff Turkish Viagra. Yeah, all right. The one I really would like you to see have a go is

a robust defence of Putin's actions. No, look, listen, we have got... We've got a very exciting segment. We've got a bit. We are doing which magazine's top ten monster energy drinks? And we've got four of them. We've got four of them. Oh, they're so room temperature as well.

Oh, perfect. All right, so we've got cups as well. We're all going to try some. We're going to give our review, right? Yeah. And then see what... Let's give our review and then I'll read out what Witch says about it.

Do you want to crack one open? Have you ever had one? Have any of you ever had one? I've never had one either. I've had a Red Bull. And we were all over 40. This could be it. This could be the end.

We could have undiagnosed heartburn. Have you seen that film, Crank? Is that one about the accounts? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are we having first then? Right, just grab one. Well, tell me which one.

Have you got Zero Sugar Monster Ultra Watermelon? Yeah, of course I do. Yeah, there you go. That's our van one. You having a bit? Yes, please. He's got to. Just a tiny bit.

Oh, it's red. Fucking hell. What's it smell like? Hell. Is anyone here a regular drinker of Monster? No. Oh, at's red. Fucking hell. What's it smell like? Hell. Is anyone here a regular drinker of Monster? No. Oh, at the back. What's a good flavour?

White Monster. White Monster. Is that just like a... Is that the one you have with fish? This. All right, I'll go first then. Gets up the nose, doesn't it? What do you think?

Ooh. Zero sugar though. Really? up the nose, doesn't it? What do you think? Ooh. Zero sugar, though. Really? What's this taste of sugar, then? Just cancer, isn't it? That liquid cancer. Described as... What do you think, Chris?

It's horrible. It's got an aftertaste. What does which magazine say? Described as pleasant, but not particularly complex, this punchy concoction tastes like watermelon sweets. If you've ever dreamt of guzzling liquefied, caffeinated Jolly Ranchers, this is the best monster flavour for you. One expert noted that his energy levels were elevated to the point where

during the school run, he was shouting at his kids and driving like a cunt. And that's which magazine's review? I nearly went back for more there. Interesting. Right. Shall I finish this and start the next one? I've got a feeling I'm going to say this about all of them. It tastes like, you know, like a slushie.

Yeah. But there's no ice. Yeah. Yeah. Disgusting. It's warm as well, which makes it worse. Yeah. But do we have to finish each cup before we try the next one?

I have got one. Or are we going to? So what's the next one? Next one, have you got juice monster Aussie style lemonade? Yeah, of course I've got juice monster Aussie style lemonade. Okay. It's blue. Do you know that thing that someone said about the monsters by the devil?

Because it's upside down. No, these are the three nails they put in Jesus on the cup. But tasting that, I'm like the cross. But tasting that, I'm like, yeah. Oh, that, yeah. Smells all right, doesn't it? Fucking hell. You've already tried it?

Just smelled it. Fucking hell. Do you want to smell that? Have a swicker of that. Actually, pass that one down and have a bang on that. Just smell it. Expert says, a mild but balanced monster

with a grassy, herbaceous aroma and gentle, bitter, peppery notes rounded out by fresh, buttery flavours. Butter? Although reasonably well-liked by our panel, one expert said it lacked character, noting a slightly flat finish. The panel suggests pairing this with a lungful of hash, open brackets, empty a two bottle two liter bottle of coke cut the bottom off gaffer tape a tesco bag around the bottom

place some perforated foil where the lid goes bang a bit of hash on that and do the whole lot in the passenger seat of your car yeah lovely i don't mind that one actually my heart's going it's banging it's good though it's good should we do one more it's five to ten we're gonna be up we shouldn't drink this at 10 p.m we've got super dry nitro all right or monster mango loco i couldn't source monster hydro super sport killer kiwi do super dry nitro let's Let's get this over with. Yeah, that's the classic. That's your absolute classic. Is that a classic one?

Yeah, come on. It's a classic one, is it? Classic, right? Classic of the genre. How many ram raids have been done on that? Without a doubt. Has everyone smelt the other one?

Any fans? Oh. No. Fucking hell, that's green. That is green. That is green. That's a green one, is it? Oh, fuck off.

Well, that's what you want from a soft drink. It's nice, isn't it? I like it. That one's all right. That one's not as strong. This is why tradesmen, they're allowed to earn what they're allowed to earn. Do you know what I mean? They're earning fortunes compared to hardworking, soft skills people.

But it's because they're going to die at 50 on the nose, isn't it? So they're like, yeah, you can earn 60 grand a year to be a pipe layer or whatever like that, but enjoy it because it's your last. You know what? Those orchids that flower. That's the monster talking, isn't it?

It's just going. It's just gone. We've got seven minutes left. Oh, that's horrible. Smooth and buttery. Butter. Stop putting... Smooth and buttery

with beautiful aromas of green apple and vine tomato. Our top scoring monster impressed our experts with its fresh tart taste, pleasant sweetness and well-balanced bitterness.

It has delicious notes of crispy apple skin and tropical fruit which are rounded off by a subtly spicy and herbaceous finish. One expert labelled it bland, but paired with a Tesco meal,

you could end up causing some fucking damage to a fruity. Cheers. That's my first time. That's my first monsters as well. I liked it. We've got time for the letter. Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's have a letter. Right, my first monsters as well. I liked it. We've got time for the letter.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's have a letter. Right, shall I read this? Yeah, go on. Chris, brackets, and lads. Okay. All right. We have two very local and mild but persistent conspiracy theories

in my seaside steel town, neither urban nor rural. Point one, any time a building burns down, the council did it to clear the land for redevelopment, including the leisure centre, which they owned and had to rebuild anyway. Point two, for a long time, the beach only had one business on it, a fish and chip shop, Franco's. The... We shouldn't have taken all that monster. Fish and chip shop, Franco's.

Viona has also now got another cafe on the beach. Despite there now being a few other bars and cafes, whenever there's a proposal for another business on the beach, the commentary is inevitably, Franco won't allow that. Brackets, echoes of fascist Spain. Before descending into accusations of brown envelopes of cash being exchanged, presumably greasy brown envelopes. Do you have any similarly persistent local conspiracy theories

in your parts of the countryside, city or suburbia? That's from Mike in South Wales, 84.7 down, 20.38 up. Medium. That does remind me of like where my dad used to work as a warp twister

in textiles in Bradford. Good. Thanks for the context. Yeah. A warp twister sounds like a magician of some sort. It's a year old thing but he used to work in his big factory and basically it used to have a roof that apparently looked like you know

like the inside of a ship's hull yeah and it apparently is a very special bit of architecture and my dad said when he worked there people would come from all over europe to look at this roof and apparently they all basically burnt down and the thing instantly was like and my dad was like well what happened to the the state of the art sprinkler system they all all these buildings i'd put in and stuff so basically it's always a council right they burn it down or franco we don't know how far his reach is because they were jealous because they were jealous of the boat the upside down boat inside yeah they did uh no it's getting too big for its boots

yeah yeah this war factory i don't know in terms of rural conspiracy theories i heard a lot about sycamore gap like i said they would well you've also got aliens now you haven't you got aliens and yeah haven't you got some aliens yeah we do what we've got next to us is a military base raf base and they've got secrets there obviously yeah what do you think of that wishing they'd done the monster i don't think yeah i i think that's fine chris but also i mean i don't know what to say. What else are they going to do with the space? They're just, you know what?

Don't worry about it. I won't tell you when there's someone going down. If you were going to buy a drone, can you investigate? Oh, no, no. I've been offered a drone. Dave the Cockney is a cockney that lives in... He's a bear, yes. Cockney, no, no. The dog. A cockney that lives in the village.

Yeah. No business being. But he's got a drone. I saw him by the side at road, like a country road. Was he just holding an Xbox controller going, what? But he was doing that and I messaged him. I said, have you got a drone? He said, yeah.

Do you want to use it? And I said, not now, but soon when I've got, got do you know what i mean i need to have a think about it yeah yeah so i've got access to a drone yeah that's good yeah what's that good is that good that he's got access to a drone it's a note from your wife we're getting the light we gotta go we've got to go we've got to go so we've had a go. We've got to go. So we've had a good time. Guys, what have you learned, Sonu? I like Monster. I don't like Monster. And I've learned that I'm sorry for being a hard work today. What is this? What are we doing? What are we recording? A whole episode? This is, no, this is just an outro for the live episode.

Because Chris can't be here because he's inexplicably found himself in Somerset, it seems. Oh, he's at the Wells Comedy Festival, isn't he? Well, is he? How do you think that went? That's what they say after you've at the Wells Comedy Festival isn't he well is he how do you think that went that's what they say after you've had a bad gig isn't it

yes exactly and I believe Chris reported back that that's what his father-in-law asked him how do you think it went

really shout out Malcolm we should have been asking him how he thought it went he was like the fourth Beatle. There was a lot of talk from the audience.

It was invited, I'll tell you that. Yes. A lot of input. It was an interesting event for people that had never listened to the podcast. Yeah, of which I think there was someone, and I think they were very confused. There was quite a few weren't there, I thought. I think so, maybe.

We did ask them to cheer if they hadn't seen it. They haven't heard it. And there was a few. And I was, at one point I was too, I just didn't want to look at some of the audience because I knew they didn't know what was going on. Me too. I got head down and got into it,

which I think is a roundabout advert for the Manchester show that we're doing. The extravaganza, as I believe it's being dubbed in November. Let me get it up on my calendar. 22nd of November, 2025. Yes. It's in Manchester. The link will be below.

I do hope Chris will have sorted that out. Make sure you've listened to an episode beforehand, to be honest. And we'll have learned lessons from the last live recordings as well. Yeah. I think that's the only one we've got now, isn't it? At the minute, yeah. Unless, you know, this is a come get me kind of. Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, if there's any comedy festivals who want to see two stressed men and one embarrassed man on their bill they can easily book us in just please it's good to have like a sort of

a padded area for Chris to be just before the event because he did look like he was going to start skinning his knuckles on the wall again if there could also be

a table somewhere that he could pretend to leave his laptop on and then think he's lost it oh that was funny that was funny. That was funny.

This is quite a long outro now. Oh, sorry, right, yeah. No, it's good. It's good. I think people want this insight. When he thought he lost his laptop, you could sense that he could hear like ringing in his ears because no other sound was coming in. Like he couldn't hear us at all.

Not even when I pointed out I had a spare laptop to HDMI adapter around that time, which to be honest is redundant if you haven't got a laptop. All right. Just as one last thing with all this tech and stuff on laptops and screens and all that, why can't it all be wireless? Thank you. Thank you.

That's all. Good question. Yeah. Right in. Why can all. Good question. Yeah. Write in. Why can't it all be wireless? Please send us a message. If you're a boffin, let us know why stuff can't travel through air like that.

That's not everything can go through air. Information. Well, thanks very much to Joe for editing. Thank you to the people that did come to see the show. Yeah. Thank you so much. Very much appreciated. Thanks to the podcast show for having us on, actually and them oh thanks to angela the tech angela

and the and the other lads that helped phil was it who was talking chris down quite well like he really just rolled with the punches yeah yeah yeah yeah it was great yeah it was great thanks to q lab in a way shout out q QLab. Yeah. Shout out Sandisk. And then shout out, I guess, the entire concept of podcasting. Yeah. Come on. Shout out. Let's give it its respect, I think.

Yeah. Shout out. Oh, join the Patreon for bonus episodes. That was it. That was the other thing I had to say. What I'm saying is, just to be 100% clear, we're going to murder this chicken. Bong.

Like that.