Rural Concerns - Country pubs, TikTok hacks & Sunil’s skull kingdom

Episode Date: November 18, 2025

The lads design the perfect village pub and inadvertently discover a way to abolish the class system. Sunil’s unique mind also comes under scrutiny yet again.    We’re performing a Rural Concerns live show in Manchester on 22nd November 2025! If you’re reading this now then it’s that coming Saturday! If you’re not reading this not now then sorry, you’ve missed out but we are heading to Leicester Comedy Festival in 2026!   If you have a Rural Concern you can send us an email to [e-mail]. We promise we’ll be very kind! The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Head to https://www.patreon.com/c/RuralConcerns for more info.   Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer.   This episode of Rural Concerns was edited by Micheal Mannion and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Prod uctions.

Hello and welcome to Rural Concerns, the podcast that teaches you about cows and other countryside things, I reckon probably. My name is Sunil and I know nothing of what happens in the countryside and I think it is best that way. I live in London and I live the most extraordinary life flitting between our lives. artisan bakeries to keep my mental health steady. I invest heavily in self-care, and I spend wildly on lunches and perfume. Some people say our decadent London lifestyles herald the collapse of civilisation, and we must return to traditions that made this country strong. I say we ought to watch the poor people of the shires fight to death in pits. Hello! I am Chris and I live in a countryside in a tiny village that would be the absolute perfect location for a horror film.

Yeah, it all looks lovely in the daytime, but as soon as night falls, we all lock ourselves in our homes and glue ourselves to prestige dramas or streaming services to drown out the screaming and shaggy noises coming from the distance. We never mention it. We never question it. We quietly away our turn in the bits. I'm James and I'm the producer. It's my job to hopefully make sure that.

that we don't give away all our excellent ideas for pubs without copyrighting and beforehand. All I'll say on that score is glug, glug, glug. But the thing that we're drinking is come. Enjoy the episode. This morning I was off to my weekly men's mental health coffee meeting. Nice. And I think I text a collection of comedians and you see him and you do think,

do you live in one of the world's most expensive cities in the world? Where is this money coming from? I'm trying to find Chris's message that he sent me when I told him I was going to the Men's Mental Health Coffee. Oh, this is it. He said, three words. Chris wrote back to me, Little Wankers Club. That's what they need, men's mental health, don't it?

No, because of my weekly men's mental health meetings, I no longer take that as a personal attack. I'm going to say that. It's him projecting or something like that. Something I was probably the other people in the club. Nathan Roberts is also what I said to sort of. I said, look Nathan in the eye. Tell him it's it's known locally

in the WhatsApp group. That's the little wankest club. I didn't pass the message on because we immediately talked about Trump. Okay. Who? Great. Sir Donald Trump. The king.

Sir Donald. Trump. No, actually, what else? This is the fun one. I sat down. Can you get knighted if you're foreign? I think, I don't know, actually. Kind of a thing, isn't it? Maybe if you're part of the Commonwealth, you can. Maybe if your grandparents are Scottish. So Neil's brain too much has been

focused inward on his life, which is minimal. He runs a minimalist life because his brain, do you know what I mean? He does nothing. He goes for a coffee with little anchors once a week. He doesn't have pictures on his wall. He owns

one fork, one knife and a chair. No. Do you know what I mean? This is, but do you know why? It presents us very dull and boring, but do you know why? It's because I understand

that what's going on here is the kingdom within your skull. You're perfectly round skull. It's so expansive. Yeah, I guess so. Do you know what I mean? Some people, do you know what I mean? Can you imagine being friends like with Plato?

Yeah, imagine that. Or Socrates. No, yeah. Do you know what I mean? I can't because I can't. because you have to imagine it. No, but you're, like some people, I get to go through life, la, la, la, la, la.

What's going on? There's a new Simpsons level on Fortnite. This is my sort of world. That's Chris. It's the world of a simpleton. You're thinking about big questions like, what if we didn't have money? Can I just have a brief mention?

I found a really good hack on TikTok. Right. For your belt. Why are you on TikTok? Why are you a man of? of your age on TikTok. I've had a hack. What, to be honest,

it'd been repurposed onto Instagram. It's one of those disgusting things we've ever said. A hack on TikTok. Okay. Listen to you. For the listener, James has just, James has just put his cap on backwards. So we're about to enter the groovy radical zone.

If I had more mobility in me, I'd flip this chair around and we'd be rapping. Yeah. But, no, I. if you've got a bit of a baggy gene and it's hanging down at the front and you can find yourself, you know, tuck in the front of your gene back up under your belt. What you can do is you can undo the belt and get the spindle thing in the middle, put it through the button hole, the top button hole on your jeans and do it up

and then your jeans won't be flapping down at the front. And that's a really good hack. It's a good tip, but it feels almost. offensive in terms of who you have given that information to. Do you think me and some will have, like, extra... Backy, like, flappy jean. We're built like Tweedledum and Tweedle D. We don't have a bit hanging down at the front.

I don't even know what I mean. What is the bit hanging down at the front? Oh, mate. It's when you do your... When you got trendy baggies? I don't know what you're talking about. I genuinely don't know what you're talking about. It's called the dongle.

Oh, of the... belt, the belt bit. Where the button is and the fly if you've got baggy jeans, the belt goes across there and the front bit it sometimes hangs down

a bit of you've got too baggy a gene. All right, well, stay on TikTok, see what else there is. Well, I'm just wanted to, the thing was I got hoist by my own partard

because I found that hack and I was absolutely loving it and then I went to an airport and I had to take my belt off to go through the thing. And I basically had to take my trousers down to go through the thing. It was really, it was shameful and embarrassing. And there's one of the security guards is there with one of those whistles going,

as they fall down slowly. There is this countryside bit. This is what's going on from the countryside, from the first-hand perspective of somebody, basically an educated learned man, who has formed a beachhead within the countryside world. Chaos in the village. Do you remember a while back the travails with the village pub, the community pub?

It's shut. So they're sort of looking for a new tenant. So I'm just thinking, guys, let's kick this podcast up a notch. Yes. And take over a community pub. What do you think? This is good. This is good.

Yeah. We can record the podcast live together in the pub. Yeah. What are we going to call it? Is this podcast, James? We were going to call it the rural concerns? The rural concerns. I've always dreamed of calling a pub the cocky dolphin.

I think we should call it the freeway VR. Come, Guzzler. The cum swapping guzzler. I vote for whatever he just said. But I suppose it's a question to you. both, this pub is going to have to be sort of reimagined.

So I thought maybe you could take me through what sort of do you look for in a pub experience? In a country pub, how would you see it going? Oh, a country pub experience. Because I think like when you go to a country pub, all you want basically is just like the basics, which is

you want a sort of dark, dark, moody environment, you know? So you feel cozy. You want a fire. You want lots of wood. You want lots of like mad old trinkets hanging down from the ceiling and you just want proper pumps you know, not taps, you want pumps, don't you get ales on that? Yeah. And you want the classic stuff like

boards of scampy fries that you just pick off the board rather than, you know, in a box. Is there a nudie lady underneath or nudie man? Or nudie man? Because it's the modern age. A nudie lady underneath. Or newdy man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or KP nuts. Yeah, yeah. Some type of food wise. I'm a nudie man, sexist. Food-wise, this is very important. You want the choice between a hot menu

and some cold sausage rolls and scotch eggs on the counter. I don't want a hot menu, mate. No, but that's an option if you want it. What do you mean you don't want a hot menu? I don't want food. You don't want to work in kitchen? I want a wet pub. I want, like you say,

at the most stuff in a plastic see-through-closh or I've been to one pub that had a little pie oven on the bar. where's that? There's a pub near me that has a little it just keeps pies warm in there. Oh like a little

like a greggs? Yeah, kind of like a little miniaturized greggs on the bar. One of the tiniest greggs you ever see. It sort of needs it needs food

because I mean I've not delved into the figures but I would say the sales mix of the food I always thought like with this pub

it's brand it's it was sold as a community pub pub but really if you're at the sales mix and how it trades I would say the bulk like by quite a way

will be kind of operating as a restaurant during the spring to summer season like last time I was in there's it's like well-heeled Dutch people you're in your Dutch people is it walkers though isn't it?

It's walkers it's Dutch people them having somewhere to eat is what feeds the B&Bs so I would like you have a door you go through, fire. Yes, that's what I said.

Roaring, wooden fire. Yeah. Dog. Wooden dog. Dog's blood. Dog roaring. Fire roaring. Dog roaring.

Dog totally blind. Old pub dog. Just navigates it. It never needs to leave that building. It walks around. It's warm to the touch and it dips its head on you. But like all pub dogs, it's good. Do you know like in Watchman where Dr. Manhattan goes, it grows bored of human affairs?

and drifts off into the cosmos. That's what pub dogs are like, aren't there? Yeah, that's true, actually. They're not interested in people. They've seen humanity, every level of humanity, and a dog's interest in you, it's like, so this blind old dog comes up and smells you, then it moves on in front of the fire.

Honestly, the heat this dog is getting up to in front of the fire is insane. It's hot. It's a hot dog. So the smell food of dog, country pub. A smell of hot, hot dog. I don't want to smell a hot. dog. Well, look, you can't

you've got to give them... You want to eat part pies out of a plastic bag? I don't know why. Ooh, it's used to do they. You've got to give people something they can't just get, something that they can't recreate

by getting a six pack of Madrian sitting in their living room. That's what you want to give them. You want to give them something they can't get, like a hot dog. Yeah. A hot, like a dog that's hot, a fire.

I would say, I'd want, if I had my choice of a pub, if I had a big enough garden, and I'd get a miniature choo-too train going around that as well. You've got a lad sitting on with a hat, and he's giving rides to kids and adults. Ray not showing. Or he's delivering drinks and food to you.

Oh, delivering drinks and food. I like that on the choo-choo train. Yeah. What about a miniaturized version inside? Is that too local news? That'd be too gimmicky, wouldn't it? But a garden... People would dip the finger in as it went past.

That's it. If you have one in the garden, it becomes a local... It becomes... It's on the map. That pub is on the fucking map, then. People are coming for the mini, mini train. So what we call, so the cuck and train set? No, we're still calling it three-way VR-com.

Because of what? Live music, I think, is always... Oh, yeah. Live music, no music at other times. Why are you wincing at live? You winced at hot food. You winced at live music. You've winced at food and live music.

I don't want food. I don't want food. Live music, I don't mind. Other times, no music. Oh, like a bloody Sam Smith. Yes. No, right. You're painting a clear picture.

No food. No music. Booze. I'm guessing the light as bright a bulb as you can on fully. Silence. So you can watch it. You can't sit silently in a pub called the three-way VR. Yeah, there would be a noise.

There would be some noise. Yeah. Think about what that name is conveying to people. It can't just be you sitting alone under a bear bulb hungry. Okay. All right. Dimmed light in. Dimmed, did it?

That's bear. I wonder whether that's like a second. cultural thing, you know, because like the, when I was in, when we're in Amsterdam, like I was saying, golden, golden lighting spilling out of the pubs onto the streets. It's like so warm. Yeah. British pubs, my experience, personally, please, please correct me if I'm wrong, very, very bright sterile light. The sort of light I'm sat under right now, because they haven't had time since the last recording to get a soft delight. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Harsh white. I look like Jacob.

Marley, that one that visits Scrooge and says you need to sort of your act out or you're going to end up like... I'm sorry of Bob Marley's kids. Silly cunt rally in chains flying around, do you know what I mean? I look like Jack and Marley. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's it. And that's what British pubs are like. What about a jukebox? I don't know. I don't know about that. James, you are very, very fiddly. Yeah. Pedantic, some might say, when it comes to pubs.

Well, this is our pub. we're going to be spending a lot of time in the in the dry egg sperm slurper. I've looked up what's Dutch for three-way come Gusber. Okay, what do you actually want rather than not want though, James? Yeah, yeah, this is, all you're doing is we're like throwing, like,

what, teeing you up with tennis balls, aren't you? And you're just going, nope, and smashing them straight down into court. Okay. Let's get a volley going. You serve. It's made up of smaller room, so it's not just a big open space. It's nooks.

It's cranny. every seat's different and once you get to know it you know which seats the good seats oh okay all right you've just got to set up yeah have you ever seen that film The Cube yeah like that

do you know what I mean like a little each box is each room is a different horror you know what I mean welcome to the different chairs room welcome to the three-way VR comgots choose your room

every chair is different You know, it doesn't sound great. Like a minor Tars maze of a pub. Yeah. I know what you mean, though. This is a bit like, say, the Princess Louise in Holben, or I think also the Duke of Argyle in Brewer Street, where they... Do you mean those old... You get them in London, but they rarely around outside anymore, but the way they have the compartments, the wooden compartments.

They've actually put the compartments in to make it look older at the Duke of Argyll. I think it was very open. Yeah, but that's it, exactly. So you got... But what was the logic of that, like a place for different groups of generally? I think it's, yeah, people coming. Yeah, I think so. Privacy.

Just one of a bit of privacy. Yeah, you could put it like that. Three at them, usually. Three at a time. That's where their gunpowder pot was disgusting, one of those boves, isn't it? Is there a specific pub? It was disgusting. Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's an all bar one in Houston Square. Lovely. Okay. compartments, different chairs. No jukebox. No jukebox. Bright lights. No food.

Cold food, fine. Little nuts. Like a variety of snacks, a bar snacks. Maybe your pickled eggs. Maybe someone's put like a pretend eyeball in there for a laugh at Halloween and it's still in there. That's nice. Yeah. As you say, you've got to have things.

You've got to have beers on tap. Not too bright. beers on proper cask tap but then also some good beers that you just know are good James you're out of ideas and you know it yeah some beers on tap

but good ones yes good ones yes I think I mean you could put you could do the thing where you put the

the pump badges on the ceiling something to look at I think this is like you literally have you literally have zero ideas we've given you hot dog

a fire I'll agree with a fire The train was you One sec, the little train No I came up with the train The train's mine I'm riding it You came up with a train

That's a So we've given you a hot dog A little train And you've said big light bulb It's a big light bulb I said no to a big Dimmable big light bulb Little rooms

All right A little A little iPad in each room And you can order your beer And it'll just bring it to you That is bonkers James that a little iPad so you can order beers. There is no aesthetic to this pub whatsoever.

There's no through line. It's just a man who wants a bit of peace and quiet and that's going to drink. Just a one-person booth. I can order it and they'll just leave it outside. Right. It feels like if we were talking to the character, Patrick Bairman from American Psycho,

this is what his 1980s pub would look. like. Bung beds. Sorry. Sorry. Pack it up. I didn't have the full picture. Like,

bung beds in the middle of the room. Bum beds in the middle of the room. And all the different chairs around the bum beds. A fucking prison part. What is this? Maybe that's it. Maybe I've just imagined a prison.

You're all right. James It's like that there's James' single boiled egg that is allowed everyone to have is being like rolled into the middle rolled into the middle of the room that's a sort of thing where you're like

this is shit but then you look up and you see Mitchell and Star 2025 won't you and you be like you know what I get it I think it's good yeah actually all the booze is made out of like orange squash that's been heated

on a radiator and fermented yeah great it sounds alright no not that one not that one really That's prison hooch. Okay, so there was a through line. I should have given you time to...

Yeah, it turned out. It was prison vibes. Yeah. Slop yourself out. Hooch and prison vibes. Feels like when you've, you know, Hellraiser, when he opened that box and the darkest pleasure becomes reality.

That's like your pub feels like James to me. It's like a hell to some pleasure to others, you know? Some people seek that out. Yeah, good luck to the pub. bitter. Yeah. It's a tough business.

Lots of brilliant ideas. They could really turn, turn this place around. Yeah. A lot of ideas that are sort of unfeasible and unfundable. The hot dog with a mini railway out of the back.

I'd go to that pub. Not Jameses, but I'd go to the hot dog. I'd go to the hot dog one. I wouldn't fucking go near Jameses. But Jameses would be the first pub. to out of prison. You're forced to go to mine.

You don't really get to choose that. What about if, this is just coming to me, and it don't matter if it's a no, on the bar, a pot, in that pot, like English mustard

that's always topped up, and everyone just, like, you know, in, like, European countries, they have a look.

When you, when you, bottle of beers, like, just get into the two-thirds gone bit, bang, crisps,

layers and nuts on table to solicit you into getting at least one more beer and they've spent 0.0.0.3P in a packet of crisps or whatever. Yeah. But our version of that, the British version of that, old kilnapot type thing, open, full of English mustard, always topped up to the same level. And everyone, you can just go past, you stick your finger in, your index finger in, you suck it off.

And then you can have another go and then everyone has a go. And everyone's like, suck in their fingers. You suck it, bang in how it comes glistening in some of English mustard. I don't understand what it is. You suck it. Yeah. You suck it. Yeah.

I got it the first time you said it. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Do you understand? I'm not. I do understand, yeah. I don't know why, though. It's not a tradition, is it? To suck, suck a, you know, suck a finger full of English mustard.

But imagine it. But imagine it's a numberful of English mustard. Well, this is where legends start. This is where I can imagine. I'm trying to think of ways that bring the community together. Oh, it's about the community. By now, I mean, you suck in my mustard's covered finger. Yeah, yeah, I see.

Be holding it to you and going, go on. Oh, I see. So we're dipping it and then offering up a finger to be sucked by someone else at the bar. For that community feel. Yeah. And that's how. Oh, yeah. That's how we stop people living in silos, isn't it?

Living in separate communities that are together. He's right. That's how you get to know. your neighbour because you've said the finger. It's like mustard off their finger. That's how we destroy the class system. That's how we destroy the class system.

Everyone's finger, whether it's a lowly, a lowly bin man. Or Prince Andrew. Are they? No. Or an uptight lawyer. That's not his name anymore.

Or an uptight lawyer. Oh, Prince Andrew. That's not his name anymore. Or Andrew. Oh, Andrew. Thank you. Our son of his name is. Everybody.

Prince. everybody can suck a finger he can wear a glove thanks yeah yeah that's nice actually it's just really nice to sort of end this segment on such a lovely lovely end now

yeah thanks man beautiful yeah should we have a letter let's have a letter please have you got one got one from Charlie okay this is a letter from Charlie

and Charlie says Chris and other banging top lads I'm interested in attending your Manchester live show However before I squeeze myself into the hell That is a Ryanair flight from Berlin to Manchester I'd like to know if your live shows are In fact only 20 minutes long

Both live shows that I've so far heard on the feed contain more pre and post Please excuse Chris and his slander excuses From producer James than actual show content I see Should I give 50 euros to Ireland's finest airline and come over for a show, or should I accept that I'll spend more time

in the airport security line than I will be being entertained by aforementioned lads. Yours, anticipatingly, Charlie, bracket, she hers, etc., close brackets. 93 down, 27 up, blue bin for paper, yellow for recycling, black for rubbish, brown for garden waste,

and pigeons. Oh. Follow on. Soddy, I bought a ticket. Time to enjoy those plastic, wiped, clean, Ryanair seats. Lovely. Lovely stuff.

Good turnaround there. Okay, now we have to. Now we have to put in the absolute show of our lives. Absolutely. Someone's come from overseas. Have we had an overseas one at previous live shows? I think we haven't. To know.

Yeah, but everybody who is like overseas and stuff, they've all, you know, like made it very clear that this just happened to align with them doing some other. Like, they've not come over for this. They happen to have been in London or whatever and so forth. they were, they've been crystal clear on that. Yeah, they were asking for directions and ended up in the wrong place, yeah. Absolutely understandable.

Well, thank you, Charlie. Well, I'll tell you. Thank you, Charlie. First off, we are giving up to the live show. Yeah. Currently, I'm working on a, choose you on a... Be, obviously. Eventually, I don't want to give any information, but basically like all of these stories,

the last clutch of episodes that we've done, Sunil has learned a lot about human nature and the countryside so it's basically a test it's basically a virtual reality test to test to put Sunil's big like internal brain

he's basically a man with locked in syndrome locked into his own life in his own round head and now it's going to be released into like a set of parameters that will test everything that he's learned from me and James during this podcast You've made a good choice buying a ticket, I think,

and you're going to have the time of your bloody life. Yes. In terms of the shows are longer than that, the shows are longer than we can put out. And basically, do you remember when we did the first one? And I can't, I'm not going to say the context, but the bit we had to cut out was. It was very funny.

We said any questions from the audience. I can't remember his name. He sent us another letter, actually, but he put his hand up. A massive amount of slander. Was the pedo killed by witch magic? and we can't give it a context because we had to cut it

and there's at least three different stories that we've been unable to put in the podcast so it's going to be but I think the key is we contain these into a section yes the slander zone

the slander zone where we contain it and then we just slip down yeah we'll release on vinyl one day it'll be a collector's edition and that. That'd be great. Yeah, the burning one's bridges, EP. Lovely.

Apart from that, yeah. So we've got to do a mix of skits chat. I'm working on a quiz. James is working on a quiz. There's going to be prizes. Oh. I've got a little secret surprise for everybody as well. It's going to be really good fun.

And it's going to run. It's going to come in at 27 minutes long. Exactly. Thank you very much. No V funds. But tickets are still available. I think when this comes out, I think when this comes out, tickets will still be available.

It's the last week. You're listening to this now? It is on Sunday. If you're listening to this now. If you're listening to this now, it's coming out. Now? Yeah. As in...

Yeah. If you listen to it now... Yeah. Which they are. That doesn't make any sense, does it? No. That's where I said it again. But if you listen to this now, within the week that this has come out, within publication week,

it is this Sunday coming by a ticket. If you're listening to this now, and it's 2059 and the Prime Minister is like a power bank charger with like a little face on it like a Tamagotchi. That was us. It's gone. It's been and it's gone. Actually, I'm the president at this point.

Is there a chain of pubs? Chain of pubs that have taken over the country, the three-way VR cum guzzler. Like you've got one on every high street. in every town. Keep repeating that, James. So come on down to this show. It's going to be in the afternoon

and afterwards you can go to a pub and sit in a different chair and look at a pump bed. I do have a question about the live show. No. You said it's Sunday. The 22nd of November is a Saturday? Yeah, it better be Saturday. Yeah, it's Saturday.

Don't make a big thing. It'll be in a different day. Hi, guys, this is the outro. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns. We really appreciate it. Not long now until we'll be performing the Fairfield Social Club in Manchester for Rural Concerns Live.

It's on the 22nd of November, which is very soon, and tickets for that show are in the notes. Our episode artwork, it's by Poppy Hillstead, the patron saying of doing weird podcasts for not enough money. Our music, Sam O'Leary, check out his new podcast, Skinwigs, which I think is out now at the time of listening.

Legal Due Diligence, Carl Derrick is an entertainment lawyer. I'm not like regretting writing that in at all. He's definitely going to make an appearance. Rural Concerns is edited by Michael Panasonic 2000 Manion, and it's produced by Egg Mountain for a lovely time productions. Can I tell you, I've just had an update for me, but I was pissed and I bought a book for £3.63, which is called Intangible Evidence, and it's how to build your telekinetic abilities. And it's on its way to me now. It's on its way to me now. And you'll know it works. It could be next week. It could be in six months' time. Because you will see,

like you wake up in the middle of the night, picture of me naked. riding an animal, I won't tell you what animal wearing a hat, I won't tell you what top type of a heart. What's that going to do, telekinesis? Because I would have the ability to project into your arm. No, I thought that was moving cups across the desk or something.

He was going to draw a poster of it and he's going to move it into your house with his wound. Bong. Like that.