Rural Concerns - Countryside Simulator | The Duke’s Dinner

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

Can Sunil survive in the countryside long enough to make his appointment with the Duke and his lovely wife, Countess Shanella Fortardo? Chris immerses Sunil (and his trusty D6) in a multiple choice quest which will test Producer James’ acting talents to their very limits! The lads also read a really, really long letter about a strimmer. Honestly, it’ll blow your mind how long this letter is.  Should Chris have been working on his Edinburgh Fringe show rather than writing his own Pick-a-Path adventure? Yes! Stop screaming! You can buy tickets now! You can now support this silly podcast via Patreon. For less than the price of a pint, you’ll get bonus episodes once a fortnight and access to The Creamery, our Discord hangout. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns! Our music is by Sam O’Leary and our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. This episode also features a blink and you'll miss it reference to The Blacktongue Thief by Christopher Buehlman. A very cool fantasy romp! Check it out!

Welcome to Moral Concerns, the podcast which is basically country file for people who microwave nine-inch nail CDs. Chris, you seem giddy. Why so giddy? I'm so excited. I don't know whether what I've done will last one minute or a full episode's worth of content.

It's the sort of thing where you guys are going to be like, you've got an Edinburgh show to be working on. And you're absolutely right. It's more the fact that we've put an entire episode into your hands and that shouldn't happen but when i got started doing this the prep for it

i basically fell untold joy in my heart i had such a good time doing it that i it like i've thrown too much time at it basically but i love it and i barely feel like like i just want to do more of it and i just think that as a like as a creative person when i felt that feeling i'm like i gotta i gotta i gotta satisfy this itch yeah like dexter like just like dexter i have an urge i have an urge and a dad that is desperately trying to channel that into something productive yeah there's looking at the notes for this episode that you sent through half an hour before we started recording it's basically what you've got planned brackets chris led and then just bump basically the thing that i've been working on tirelessly is what I'm calling a multiple choice countryside simulation.

Safe, that's safe wording. What I'm not calling it is a... B, obviously. Because the people that own that brand... Very litigious. Very litigious. Very litigious. Please, please, let's start. Okay, let's begin. So without further ado, chaps, this is The Duke's Dinner.

Da-da-da! Sound design there. Da-da-da! That's something like an organ. I'm having a time of my life. He's so giddy. He's so giddy. I'm having a time of my life.

I've not been this happy in like ages. And nothing's happened. Nothing's happened yet. Nothing's happened. But turn the page. Chapter one, the train. SFX. Chugga chugga woo.

He's stupid cunt you know there's no sound I can't I can't give a straight face throughout this can I

please can I do that SFX chugga chugga woo you gather your belongings

as the train finally pulls into the station, careful not to wake the passed out hen do. You've got just enough time to read the letter which summoned you with great urgency. You've got just enough time to read the letter which summoned you with great urgency from London. Dear Sir, The Duke of Thackley Manor politely requests your attendance to discuss a business matter

of the utmost importance. Please accept the Duke's apologies for not joining you in London, but he finds its culture and people to be vulgar. He calls it the sovereign kingdom of dickhead lads

who bore on about AI all the time. We'll discuss what I hope will be a lucrative proposition for us all over a succulent dinner prepared by wife

and the beautiful Countess Chanel Fortado. Dinner shall be served promptly at 8pm. I hope will be a lucrative proposition for us all over a succulent dinner prepared by wife, the beautiful Countess Chanel Fortado. Dinner shall be served probably at 8 PM. Do not be late. Yours expectantly, the Duke. You fold the letter away and pack it in your satchel, staring for a beat at the wax seal imprinted with the Duke's unmistakable sigil.

A shire horse with a big willy. Say again, Chris? A shire horse with a big willy. Say again, Chris? A shire horse with a big willy. Okay. In the bottom of your satchel, you notice a delicious-looking scotch egg, no doubt artisanally rolled in breadcrumbs on the King's Road. Do you eat the scotch egg in one,

in the manner of Michael Carroll, the lotto out? Yes or no? No. You pop the Scotch egg in front of Laura, the sleeping bride-to-be. You get off the train. Good choice. All I'm going to say is,

things might have turned out very differently. This is chapter two, the platform. You step onto the platform. You step onto the platform as the train pulls away. You hear a jingle. As the steam lifts, you see there is a solitary figure waiting to greet you. As you get closer, you see it's a man dressed as a jester. Good evening, big-eyed stranger.

Welcome to the countryside. Yorick the Merchant at your service. Do you know what? I've somehow doubted the quality of your dramatics training, but that was top draw. That was better than any of the acting in The Bear. There you go. It's been said. Your journey had already been significantly delayed because some idiot from London thought pulling the emergency cord would make a great TikTok. So, question. Do you indulge the jester or be on your

way and tell him to nonce off? I'd be on my way. Nonce off, jester. Okay. Sunil's making very quick binary decisions, but we're going to honour it. We're going to play the game. Is this game called Disappointing Chris? Well, I mean, I've got to go for this dinner. That's what I'm there for.

Why am I going to fucking hell with this? I'm going to eat a scotch egg before dinner, am I? I don't know. I've seen you. Do you know what I mean? How you live. I don't know. Right.

You stride off confidently down a country lane as the sun sets rapidly. Just as you begin to feel lost, you see what can only be the lights of the great faculty manor. Acutely aware of the time, you make the impulsive decision to take what must certainly be a shortcut through a field. A signpost reads, private land. But upsetting the Duke and his chesty wife must surely take precedence over some farmer's land. But upsetting the Duke and his chesty wife must surely take precedence

over some farmer's land. You're halfway through the field when you hear the sound of a bugle. Quickly, followed by a chorus of a pack of ravenous dogs. The hunt has begun, and you are never heard from again.

The end. That's it. Are you fucking joking? So the only story was if I ate a scotch egg or hung out with a jester. You didn't even give me a choice as to wander through the field or not. I think what's good about these sort of things that this is not in no way a copyright infringement of is you can keep your thumb in the page and flip back.

So, so what you've learned now is about what you are teaching you this is the this is the great benefit of what we're doing now i'm teaching you how to think properly i've just disappointed the entire listenership okay you've got your head around the game you understand what i'm playing there's a lot of it's complex it's not you have to you have to go back. So do you indulge the jester? Yes. I'll tell it to Nontop. I indulge the jester. Ah!

You explain to Yorick the merchant that you've been invited to discuss urgent business with the Duke at Fackley Manor over a magnificent feast laid on by the Countess, Chanel of the Tardar. You're just laughing at a silly name you've made up. Chanel of the Tardar, yeah? Chanel of the Tardar, the Countess. Yeah. Upon seeing the Duke's sigil, Y yorick bows clearly unlettered he draws you a crude map showing the quickest route to fat clay manor yorick makes it clear that you must avoid the

field marked private land at all cost for its hunting season and you are wearing an orange wool suit right oh like a fox come on man Do you think he'll think I'm a fox? No, sire, but Farmer Bugerton has a zero-tolerance policy on cunts. Okay. You thank Yorick the Merchant for the map and begin to stride off towards the first landmark, Dead Fiddler's Tree.

As you bid Yorick good day, you ask? Is it true? Is she as beautiful as they say? Yorick makes a universal sign with his hands for biggins. Okay. Do you admonish the peasant for his crassness

or respond favourably? Admonish the peasant for his crassness. Wicked. I think you might want to keep your thumb in that page. That's not a cool way to speak about a lady. I thought you were a top lad. What happened to boys will be boys?

Quick as a flash, Yorick pulls out a dagger and the fight begins. Guys, you're going to need your D6 to hand. Oh god. Right, you're going to have to roll for me, James, as well. Okay, so, roll the dice. What we do will depend to roll for me, James, as well. Okay. So roll the dice.

What we do will depend on how you score. Okay. Am I rolling for me now or Chanel or does it not matter? No, no. You're sort of operating as a team. So you're just rolling the dice. Can we get the tinkle of the dice hitting the wood clean for audio? Because I think we could use that as a sting. What have you got?

Six. Six? Boom. Okay. Yorick clunges at you with his dagger. You block it with your fancy boy satchel and the blade ricochets back into his fucking neck. What?

He must have caught the jugular because there is a lot of blood. As the life drains from his body, Yorick uses his last words to say... I died as I lived, loving big naturals. But you don't hear, because you're already striding down the road towards destiny. Chapter three, the lane. You're making good progress following the late Yorick's map. Yeah.

That's conditional storytelling, isn't it? That's good, man. Yeah. But with the sun quickly setting, there isn't much time until dinner with the Duke. You pause for a second at

Dead Fiddler's Tree and take a moment to catch your breath. The tree is an ancient oak. In an earlier time, it was used as a mechanism to deliver justice by the nearby villagers. You look at a big, thick branch, sturdy enough to carry the weight

of several men. Suddenly there's a rustle. A man emerges from the woods startling you. He's wearing a white linen suit and a black cashmere polo neck. You also notice that he isn't wearing any socks or shoes. You say, hello sir. I cannot stop because I have been invited to dinner by the Duke and his lovely wife, Countess Chanel Fortado. The man takes a strong, sensuous drag on his club cigarettes

and after what seems like fucking ages, he exhales and says, I know a shortcut. I could show it to you if you'd like. Do you follow the strange man? You may save time. Or do you continue on your way? But at this point, you will be a bit late.

Hmm. Decisions, decisions. Follow the man. You follow the strange man. Uh-uh. You follow the strange man. You follow the strange man into the hedgerow and walk for what feels like an age. In the dwindling light, you struggle

to keep up as the man takes you through fawny thickets and giant fuck-off patches of nettles. Eventually, you ask, Are we nearly there? Just a little further. The strange man keeps walking and walking. Shortly after, you come upon a small boffy.

The orange light of a small fire dances in the windows. We just need to make a quick stop. The strange man opens the door. Inside, next to a small fire, sits a man in a rocking chair. He's wearing a mask of Fhtanen, the fox god of mischief. You bolt for the door. Clearly something is very wrong, but it's locked firmly shut by the strange man.

Come on, don't hush the vibe. He's a very important man and he's come all the way from Wakefield. Just sit on his knee for a minute. You are never heard from again. Fuck off. You can't give me an out. He's having a roll of dice. Okay, roll of dice.

All right. Can you roll a dice for me, James, please? Two. That's the thing with these sort of books. You would have like, it would be quite a long page. And then it'd be like, oh, what? I've fallen and broken my ankle and been eaten by ants. It's a fun.

What I want to make clear is this is fun and we are having fun. Okay. Sorry. I forgot. I'll let you keep your thumb in your page one last time, you pesky devil. So if we go back to the question. What was it? Do you follow the strange man or continue on your way?

But at this point, you will be late. I'll continue on my way, please, Chris. You tell the strange man to nonce off and continue towards the brooding faculty manor. You'll be late, but hopefully the Duke is an understanding man. Chapter four, the dinner. You're going to have to summon all your acting powers for this one, James. Another character.

All I'm saying is just, just dig deep. Is it a butler called Lurch? You knock on the big fuck off door of Fackley Manor with a big creak. The door opens and you are welcomed in by a butler who looks a lot like Yorick the Merchant if you didn't kill him. He silently shows you through a labyrinthian network of opulent hallways until you reach a grand dining hall. The duke is standing with his back to you. You see a clock. It reads ten past eight.

Lavish-looking food is already on the table. Cooling. If a man doesn't keep his appointment, wait a minute, that's the same voice, isn't it? Come on, that's the same one as a strange man. It's posh character brief. Posh lord. Lives in

the Northlands. Owns vast swath most of the vast waves of the country hates roaming like roaming rights and stuff not bothered about

that if a man doesn't keep his appointments then he's no better than a pig in chinos what that sounds

great no do it again I ain't got notes I ain't got notes that was great that was good James that was great do it again if a man doesn. I ain't got notes. I ain't got notes. That was great. That was good, James. That was great. Do it again.

If a man doesn't keep his appointments, then he's no better than a pig in Chino's. Wouldn't you agree? The Duke turns round. You say. Sorry, Amelie, you're a Dukeness. The countryside is weird. The Duke drowns you in Countess Chanel of Fatadas.

Now, Luke, warm soup starter. You are dead. How the fuck am I supposed to get out of that then? There's no way out. The only way I can see of getting through this game is to eat the fucking scotch egg. I'll put...

There is a way out. There's three endings. Yeah, but two of them are like me being drowned in something. Right, I'll just break it down for you. So there's three endings. One of them says, if no eye. So if you'd have rolled a not six, if you'd have rolled, I think, two to three,

Yorick clunges at you with his dagger. He plunges it into your eye, which starts pissing blood. Seeing the eye makes Yorick's bloodlust subside. He puts the dagger away, repentant. And he says, sorry, I've just been diagnosed with ADHD. That means I can do what I want. So if you go into the encounter with the Duke with no eye and the Duke says, if a man doesn't keep his appointment,

then he is no better than a pig in chinos. Wouldn't you agree? The Duke turns around. So if you have no eye, Oh, you haven't got an eye. That's mad. And then you explain how you lost your eye defending Countess Chanel Furtado's honour.

Right. Okay. And the Duke nods satisfied. And it ends with the dinner is good. The business is great. And Countess Chanel Furtado is chestier than your wildest dream. So what would happen if I ate the Scotch egg? So that's the good ending.

That's the good ending. If you eat the Scotch egg, you die. That was just a test. I'll tell you what, that was a test of decision-making. That was like just to get your head in the game. So chapter one, the first bit is you do it. It says, if you eat the scotch egg in the manner of Michael Carroll, the lotto now, which is living vibrantly and deliciously, you know,

it says, in one, you mad wanker you begin to choke moments later you fall to the ground dead so sorry can i so the only way to complete this properly is to challenge a jester to a fight and he takes my eye out it's based on a dice roll based on a dice roll of two to three like i said this is come on now this is we've had a great time and this is the there is a third there is a third view shouldn't there be multiple ways to win not just one well let me tell you let me tell you the third let me tell you the third route if you have your eye but also the vape how do you get the vape right so when yorick says she's got biggins, if you respond favorably, you say, wicked, I love big naturals too.

And then I say, well, boys will be boys. Now that he knows you're a top lad, Yorick presents you with a gift, a vape with an inbuilt laser pen and a mysterious button. You thank him and place it in your fancy boy satchel. So then when you go into the final encounter with the Duke, you say, sorry, I'm late. Your Duke-ness, the countryside is weird. Same as a bad ending. Enraged by your disrespect, the Duke lunges towards you with madness in his eyes. You insolent little shit. But before he can grab you, you remember Yorick the Merchant's vape is also a laser pen. Nont off, sire. You blast the Duke's retinas and he flails around blindly while you

make a dash for it. Somehow you manage to escape the Duke's fiefdom and weasel your way back to London. And while head office is extremely disappointed, at least you've escaped with your life. This is like a medium ending the end and as a post script to this one it says you finally press the mysterious button on your x-vabe and it blasts out fancy by iggy azalea there's also a conditional bit of storytelling that if you've got the babe in the satchel when you're walking when you're walking down the lane following the map to the tree. You have a bang on the vape.

So that's it. That's version one. What do you think? It's really, yeah, a lot of work gone into that. I appreciate that. So much work. Yeah. It's good to play it now.

I'm genuinely like, I really enjoyed it. And like the highlight in the ending was, not rushed, but it was the last thing. I want to do it in more detail and make it so there is different routes and ways to win. I really like playing it as well. I don't know whether we do obscure the narrative paths in the background and give you lives or something so that we can get a chunk of the way

through it so that an episode isn't five minutes long when you decide to wait and Scott check. Yeah, but that's the thing with these things. You always keep your thumb in it and you just keep going. So now what do you think? As a writer yourself, as a writer yourself. I would struggle to keep myself interested

enough to finish writing the whole thing. So I think it's a huge achievement. Because it's basically a maths problem, isn't you're writing oh i'm not good at maths no but you are as we can tell i'm not good at decision trees that kind of stuff it's um yeah i mean obviously i enjoyed it i thought you'd slag me off a bit more in it and then slag james off as well i know but i need to like we're going to be doing this podcast for 100 years aren't we do you know i mean episode 2000 so we we've got to like i can't be having a dig at you all the time but but now that you've given me the green light i think version 2.0 of

this will like like there's no way that now we've done this and that we're not doing many more of them i'm so sorry james what are we doing about this? In what respect, regards Chris, should we wait for him to go before we talk about this? About the fact he's going full steam ahead with insulting us. I mean, I think he should be writing his Edinburgh show, to be honest.

I'm writing it. It's in a good place. That's why I could take out half a day. And by half a day, I mean a full day to write a multiple choice countryside simulator. This is what the people support this podcast for. Is this the longest episode we've ever done? No. Oh, right. Oh, good.

It just feels like it. This is the best episode. This is the best episode. Everybody listening, everybody listening, please say that This is the best episode. This is the best episode. Everybody listening, everybody listening, please say that this is the best episode. Tag Sunil, tag James. We need to move the dial because without your help, they won't let me do another one of these.

Go edit that out. No, don't edit it out, John. Don't you dare edit it out. Was there any other sound effects that needed to go in, like with the satchel? What was the knife satchel sort of noise? We've got a satchel batting away dagger, which is like, like that, like leather, you know, like Indiana Jones,

like baseball bats hitting wet leather. That's how they did in punching people. So when he's like, like that of the satchel, there's like, like blood pissing out of his neck's like, like that of the satchel. There's like, like blood pissing out of his neck. Like, yeah, the dogs. What else have we got? We've got the Duke. What's the sound effect of Big Natural?

Let me come back to you on that one. I'm just going to have to do a bit of research. I think the other sound is drowning in soup. Doubles for calm as well. At least we've got that now in the bank. That's good to know, isn't it? Shall we do some other stuff? I think we all need

a bit of time to think about that. Yeah. Yeah, we do. We do, actually. Sonal, have we had any letters in? We've got a letter

from Daniel. Thank you, Daniel, of course, for writing in. Thank you to everyone who's written in and please do keep it coming in.

This one, again, starts, hello boys, like every other letter we get, so it does make me think somebody is editing these. All right, hello boys. To get formalities out of the way, download 484 MBS, upload 61.2 MBS. Staggering. Jesus. That's good. Nice one. Should be very

proud. Not sure what an MBS is. Think it's like a calorie. So essentially a made up measurement that nobody is quite sure what it is. I actually think I know what a calorie is. They did it by burning a peanut, didn't they? We did to burn peanuts at school. Yeah, that was to get a calorie out, wasn't it? Ah. One peanut is like, how many kilojoules is that? Which converts to calories.

Anyway, nevermind. There you go. Bit of learning. Daniel, you don't know what a calorie is. Please go home and burn a peanut. Unless you're allergic. Unless you're allergic. Then don't touch them. To fire. No, unless you want to burn a peanut. Unless you're allergic. Unless you're allergic. Then don't touch them.

To fire. Unless you want to burn them. Yeah, just burn them. Either way, burn the peanuts. I made the rash decision in lockdown to return to the Shropshire countryside 20 years after my departure. Shropshire's one of those real hidden away ones, isn't it? I've been to Shropshire.

I had a friend that lived in Shropshire. It's like we went to a pub to have I had a friend that lived in Shropshire. It's like, we went to a pub to have a beer and a load of the Shrewsbury football fans came in and they were really scary

and I was eating sausage and mash and one of them took my sausage. Oh no. Do you know what I mean? That's Shrewsbury. I mean,

they don't have like ultras, do they? I don't know, but I was scared of these men. They were scary men. Also, it's definitely Shrewsbury I mean they don't have like ultras do they I don't know but I was scared of these men like they were scary men also it's definitely

Shrewsbury because it's one of these places that's got an influx of no offence southern knobheads and they're like

and they they'd be like where do you live Shrewsbury and if you are from Shrewsbury it's definitely not Shrewsbury

and it's definitely not it's definitely not it doesn't make any sense to call it Shrewsbury, it's definitely not Shrewsbury. And it's definitely not. It's definitely not. It doesn't make any sense to call it Shrewsbury. Show me the O. Yeah, exactly. But it's one of the, like my friend that lived there is one of those places where,

you know, like the guy, like the guy that owns a Chinese restaurant that called him like Chinese Roger and stuff like that. Do you know what I mean? Like small town, small town sort of place. Yeah.

Hope you're enjoying moving back there. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like small town, small town sort of place. Yeah. Hope you're enjoying moving back there. Yeah. You gigging there? Oh, no, not in the near future. Or ever again. Yeah, go on.

Number one, nobody trusts SatNav in the countryside. They actively argue with it. I bought a strimmer for the garden that I felt I should have off the Facebook market stall.

The woman messaged as I let her know I was on my way with explicit felt I should have off the Facebook market stall. The woman messaged as I let her know I was on my way with explicit instructions I should follow to get there and to ignore my sat-nav. 45 minutes later, I am lost in a church car park. I turn my sat-nav on and give it a whirl and got straight to her house in about two minutes. I told her and her husband, he was refurbishing strimmers and selling them, but did not like the internet, so let his wife be the marketing department. Told them that the sat the sat nav was perfect and her directions were wrong to which they both just tutted at me and said i must have entered the wrong postcode to get there that's number one this is this is chiming is it chiming big like there's a like yeah none of the nobody

uses postcodes up here what do they do then Postcodes are quite a big amount of area, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, when I took the Village magazine on, you know, I delivered the magazines to a distribution network of people that then distribute it to areas of the village. But I got basically a treasure map. You know, like I got, like there's this, about eight people that I deliver to.

And it's like, I got one of them was like the Living Rose Cottage. And then the map for Rose Cottage, it was a hand-drawn map that showed a cottage and showed it next to like a stately home type house. And it was like, I was like, yeah, but if you don't know where that is. Yeah. You're in a lot of trouble. I guess people don't do deliveries much around there, right? It's deliveries all the time. All the time.

What about like Deliveroo? No. No chance. No chance. No way. No way. That's, which is good over, a bit sad because I do occasionally miss like, you know, like, oh, Friday night.

Let's have a, Friday. Yeah, we get it. We get it. Chris actually texted me a new menu item from the show and asked me to try it for him and report back it's an it's an earl grey nata tart yeah it does sound good oh it does sound exciting i love to shame i think it's a mate i think people go on about it a lot but it's that breakfast now and that Oh, that breakfast now. It is lovely stuff. But like living nowhere near takeaway is probably going to add 10 years to my life. Where can you go to get a nice little coffee?

Not the Shell. Not the Shell garage, no. Guy who runs a Shell garage. There's a guy who does the late shift. He's got a little aiming. That's fine. No, I've got tea rooms in my village oh right well do you wear the tray bakes are made and that's a nice cup of coffee

and it's i've had a coffee from there yeah yeah it's good times in there you've been to megs i've i've well i've been outside it and then chris has got me a coffee from inside but he didn't tell me they did tray bake so i didn't get one was he trying to keep hide it yeah i think so just sorry if you're next in london chris just as a point of you've never brought down any tray bake for any of us and i think that's rude do you eat it all on the train in your joggers in off the train um i could be not the next time what i'm basically saving it for it's the world where we do the very first world concerns live oh yeah and i think it's part of the live show where we do a taste test on stage and maybe health and safety risk assessment permitting we bring some tray bakes down to for the people in the audience for a bit of a sample

come up great and i'll bring'll bring Leon's Lemon Ginger Crunch. You've put me on to Leon's Lemon Ginger Crunch and I love it. And recently I left one on a train when I had to get off in a panic because they cancelled the train and I was really, really sad. Because you're not going to see anything like that again for weeks. No, exactly. It's few and far between. But just like, there's another thing with generationally, do you know know like sat-navs? I just use a sat-nav. I do not have the brain. We figured this.

I went round and round about 28 times with James. Yeah. I do not have the brain for directions. And I don't. You were holding a sat-nav. I was holding it. I don't, I don't, and I'm not, it's just not going to happen for me that I get my head around directions.

I do like over enough time, bits of the area are being like grokked into my brain. Do you know what I mean? Like I do know the outer Carlisle road system, but what I don't know is, you know, like names of junctions and stuff like this. Yeah. I recognize them by sight. Do you know what I mean? If there's a cathedral within view when you turn off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If there's a McDonald's i mean if there's a cathedral within you when you turn off yeah yeah if there's a mcdonald's sign if there's a like those like a medieval peasant

basically yeah i navigate by the stars yeah the light has to be just right for the shadows and then yeah that i know where i am now yeah yeah and if that's how i navigate so and that i'm just not gonna be someone that's doing, so I use the sat nav. And I know the sat navs aren't always perfect, but they do normally get you within quite a close proximity to where you're going. Obviously, if something goes wrong, you're in a bit of trouble.

But my father-in-law just will not indulge. I'm like, where are you going? Well, you know, like there was a place where he knew. And I'm like, oh, what's that place called? Just trying to indulge. Like, I'm like, where are you going? Like, well, you know, like there was a place where he knew. And I'm like, oh, what's that place called? Just trying to get there. And because I didn't know the place name, I couldn't look it up. And he wouldn't tell me the place name. Because I was like, yeah, what's it called?

And he's like, no, all you need to do is go like there, there, there, left, left, there. Then there's a bridge. Then it's right. It's like gibberish to me. I'm like, just tell me the passcode. Tell me the fucking passcode. But wouldn't do it because he was adamant we did it by directions. So this is ringing a lot of bells for me.

Thank you, Daniel. Okay. Oh, yeah. Back onto the letter. Right. Now, number two, I'm buying things I don't know what they are from people I am scared of. So recently bought a strimmer. Both my neighbors have one one and I felt left out

with my inherited garden shears. So I belatedly arrive at the house of a man who does up strimmers and sells them via his wife on the Facebook. That was the one in the other one. The same experience as before.

Well, I think we're getting a bit more now. He's telling a bit more. He's telling a bit more of the tale. I'll be honest, this is the longest letter we've ever had. And I reckon this is coming in around

2,000 words. So I'm just going to give a little note. As an orator, as a storyteller, Daniel, this is brilliant, but fuck me,

you could have edited it down a bit. I'm everything as I go along. So, all right, look, I'll keep going. He said this ages ago

as well and we've been waiting to read it, but every time I got to it, I was like, should we read a letter? Fucking hell, that's long and we've never done it right let me rattle through it so we know what's happening all right so he got to this house of the man who does up the strimmers right he saw the strimmer i saw it for 35 pounds petrol and yellow ideal he says to me as i approach you know this is a heavy duty one yeah i reply of course yep i didn't know there

were variants let alone a heavy duty one he shows me how to use it quickly and showed it running so i gave him the full 35 because i was too scared to barter due to my tidiness i understand that i get that now next i do not know how to use the power tools i feel i need so i've got this trimmer to trim my grass around the garden edges first time i used it filled it up with its petrol juice primed it and got the choke ready that's the words the fellow who sold it to me taught him and he pulled the cord right and he i cut my finger on the broken plastic case after applying a kid's plaster i attempted it again yeah i can see myself in your shoes i cut my finger on the broken plastic case yep got it running it's so loud I scared my kids who are watching bluey in the house it's a complex thing to attempt to put the straps on you for a

heavy duty strimmer that is making a huge noise and you are terrified of what will happen if you press the yellow trigger I decided just to hang it on my shoulder and get on with the job it's fucking powerful it tore through the grass like butter, dug up a bit of concrete and sent some stones flying at the neighbor's car. Half an hour later, the grass looks tidy, but I burnt my arm four times and the tools get so fucking hot. It cooks your armskin in seconds,

which I think would have been solved had I worked out the traps. Number four. I've got power tools that don't work. A strimmer I have only worked once i went to start it to stream my garden for the second time this summer and it did not start it's too old to google how to fix it i'm too embarrassed to ask my dad and admit i have no clue what i have bought it's i just got it off the internet he fucking hates the internet so he'll get angry about the internet

and hopefully pop around each week to strip my garden out of pity anyway i bought some new uniclo jeans to make me feel like i'm back in the city which have just arrived so i better go try them on good day to you daniel 40 years old shropshire lovely there's other people like you out there chris but i think this is indicative of the type of the type of this this podcast is a honey trap for- Pitiful men. Pitiful men. Thank you so much for your time, Danny. This reminds me as well, I haven't got back to him yet,

but I can see that Dr. Repeat, repeat letter writer Dr. Ganja has been back in my messages. I've not properly digested it yet, but I think the gist of it was, it's a really nice email, but when you boil it down to the crux, what he's really asking for is for, you know, Sunil mentioned smoking weed via a vape at one point, and he wants information about that.

He's like hustling us down for weed information anyway. I do love Dr. Gan ganja but we are basically i don't know do we need to step in and protect we already know his wife's disappointed with him i'll tell you what i'll do some research and we'll read the letter next episode properly properly thank you very much so and that is just a reminder that you too can have your letter read out on rural concerns if you email it to christopheratalovewithtime.co.uk. We don't promise we'll be kind, but we will read it. We will read it.

We will read it. Do try and have a soft word count. A soft word count of 500 words. I mean, come on. This letter is so big. I know it's sitting in a Google document and that document is titled Draft One. Thank you so much for listening to Verbal Concerns.

It really does mean the world. And if you want to go any extra mile, you can support this podcast via Patreon. Just for the price of a donation, less than a pint, you will get bonus episodes every two weeks, as well as access to The Creamery, our super cool Discord hangout. Which I still don't have access to. I actually don't know what Discord is.

I'll figure it out. But Chris, what is happening in there? You don't need to know. Just give me the link or something. I'll give you a link. Yeah, yeah, I'll give you a link. But you don't want to come in. I don't want you looking at everything

that we're saying and doing and like... I mean, why not? We're just having a laugh at that and talking about people and stuff it's fun we're having fun if you've enjoyed listening to rural concerns please consider dropping us a five-star review on spotify or apple podcasts and leaving a review under five stars actually counts against you getting into heaven okay yeah that's a true fact here's one of the reviews we've had recently on apple podcast first timer such a laugh and yet poignant at the same time can't wait for the next episode i can't imagine what could possibly be poignant talking about when you were talking about a homemade flesh a homemade flesh like a homemade flesh, right? A pint glass full of mints, mate.

Makes you think, doesn't it? It does make you think, doesn't it? Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead. Our music is by Samuel Leary. And as a reward for listening to the end, here's another inspirational quote from Action Bronson.

Wolfgang Puck, prep the duck while I fuck six Brazilian women in a white suburban truck. There you go. So, something to think about. Something to think about.

Right, something to think about. I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about it right now. Who's that?'s pedro pascal