Rural Concerns - Cows arses, cow arses & a cow's arse

Episode Date: August 19, 2025

Chris is still in Edinburgh so producer James wrote this blurb. Chris talks bovine buttocks, Sunil is deeper into golf and producer James is as handsome and witty as ever. With lovely hair. And a nice guy actually. Anyways - enjoy! Live shows: If you want to experience the full force of Rural Concerns Live, you can grab tickets to our Manchester show at Fairfield Social Club on 22nd November. Chris and Sunil are performing at A Lovely Time with Amy Gledhill and Friends on 30th August. It’s a charity fundraiser for Gaza! Contact & support: If you have a Rural Concern you can send us an email to [e-mail]. We promise we’ll be very kind! The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Welcome back to the soft, cozy world of rural concerns, the podcast equivalent of having a fully charged iPad, a premium VPN subscription and the house to yourself. I am Senor Patel, a city dweller well versed in a metropolitan lifestyle of having little coffees and visiting. art galleries and whatnot. When I can, I try and visit the countryside, wearing expensive Salomon hiking trainers and Arctarex jackets. I am Chris Cantrell. I live in dirt and poverty in England's most far-flung county. I starve myself of culture and human contact and pretend to my friends in the city that this is good and fine. Instead of having little coffees and visiting galleries, I rely on the only entertainment in my village, watching children fistfight in a field. I'm producer James and I live in the suburbs.

Hey, when I'm not complaining about Britain, I send my family to the big out-of-town B&M stores, settle in with my iPad, subscribe to a VPN service using crypto and a fake identity and watch videos of pigs fucking. He did this in a pinch. I'm busy. Can't just repeat what I said three times. You also can't be heard through your microphone, Chris. The microphone is perched. Is that okay? Yeah, if you sit like that, then we can't see your face. You don't need to see my face. You just need to hear my words. I'm going to move this microphone. We will for the socials need to see your face. No, just put a picture of those Navy SEALs that killed Bin Laden. That's, like, sub me in for that,

you know what I mean? I'd say, aren't there, there's no pictures of them, right? Because they're Navy SEALs that killed Bin Laden. Lads, pictures of them high five. You know what I mean? That's the new direction for social media. I'm hot. I have walked here. Oh. I need to go out to the shops and buy some shower gel.

What's... I'm not done. Get a bar of soap. It's much more ecologically sound. Yeah, you're probably right. So what am I doing? Put in a bar of olive with a big pump on it. Put in a bar of soap in another man's house.

What are you on about? That's mad. A bar of soap is an intensely personal thing. Yeah, and then chuck it in the bin afterwards. It's 40p. I'm trying to find a hole. I try to find a hole in this planet. It's bulletproof.

Right. Welcome to rural concerns. Yeah, I mean... Oh, yeah. Thank you. Still? Yeah. Still welcome.

You're still welcome. You've now moved away from the microphone again. I'm back. Okay. This is... James told me not to... Part of my afternoon thing is trying to put my hands on a tripod to screw it into. James got in you.

James got in your head. You let James get in your head like that. I had a lead. James, what are you doing now? I'm punching my computer in anger. The pair of you are in different rooms again. Yeah, I'm in a different room for a laugh. I'm not in the same room I normally am.

That's just at a different angle. Welcome to Rural Concerns. Welcome. So I nearly got a microphone, but then basically the person who worked just before to record it, And basically, listener, and my microphone, I bought my microphone, but I forgot the little tripod. So then I'm trying to get hold of a little tripod to replace it, which seems like a simple thing.

But when you've got no time, basically I thought I was going to get one. But then basically when I went to pick it up, it had been stolen from the venue, as in someone left it out to give it to me and it's gone. Do you know what I mean? Wow. And I'm instantly like, I'm not fucking paying for that.

Do you know what I mean? How many drinks he had today? I had any drinks, son of it. I've been in. I've been drinking water. I've had a mild headache all day. Can I recommend electrolytes? I've had some coffees.

You've sniffled me out there. Go on. Go on, son. I'll give us your recommendations. Electrolites. What's that? We talked about it on the show before. I know, I know.

I'm only joking. So welcome to rural concerns. James, do you want to say it as well? Welcome to rural concerns. James, do you want to shout at? No, I'm full of happiness. I've got a recommendation for men. like us of a certain age.

Now, I didn't think this would work when it was recommended to me, but I'd give it a go. It's around 15 to 20 quid, and it's a device, and it basically, it's like a rotating pumice, and you use it on your feet.

Is it to go up the ass? No, you use it on, no, it's a pumice. It'll remove most of your ass. You use it to remove dead skin from your heels. I don't know if you remember that I famously have a heel like Thanos's chin. But what is this modern obsession we're getting rid of the skin that's already there?

What's going on? It does get quite, if you leave it, it gets, like in lockdown, my heels got cracked and painful. You've probably got quite big feet where it doesn't know what to do with all the skin. Yeah, too much, either too much are not enough blood

pumping blood around those big feet. That's true. It's producing, basically you have, if you haven't seen... Sorry, Dr. Cantrell's back on call. If you haven't seen... Too much blood is producing. Too much blood is producing.

It's like from not knowing that's why you don't know the spellings and stuff. What? But if you've got... Basically, if you haven't seen the social media for this, basically James looks like he would be. He's like a too big hobbit. He looks like he'd be wearing a little pillowy sort of like fam shirt, little waistcoat.

A little shirt with a bow at the same. the top. Yeah, like he's a fancy hobbit. He's, he's the fancy. So he's wearing that. Lord Mayor of Hobbit Town. The Mayor of Hobbit Town.

He's got billowy trousers, no shoes. He's got a lot of ideas. It stands to reason that what he's doing is, that's your body's natural, your body's naturally preparing you to go out walking around the country lanes with her shoes. Okay, nature's shoes. Hobbits didn't wear shoes, though, did they?

Which is calloused feet. Hobbits didn't wear shoes That's the point he's making I think that my feet are turning into shoes like a hobbits must have Oh I see They must have had very tough

tough skin on their feet But this thing Grimes it right down It's so good Honestly I'm probably a shoe size smaller now How many of those is the How many of those Can you get for the price of a Nintendo Switch too

With about 15, 20 quid One for each foot. Nintendo Switch is 400. Dan, you get 20 or 30 of those. With Mario Kart. Well, thank you for the recommendation. I'm about to crack into Dunker Kong Bonanza, by the way. Yeah, honestly, highly recommend it.

I didn't think it would work. It's zoomed them away. So James has got baby-esque, baby-esque feet, feet of a big baby. A baby's feet. A baby, like a big, though, for a big baby, it'd be weird if a baby had feet this big. It's moisturiser with SPF 50 in it. I'd like to recommend that.

I've got some new. I've got some new skincare products. I've got a moisture. It's called Horace. Have you heard of Horace? Yeah, it's expensive, isn't it? Well, you know, it depends over your tech things like, like this area is stuff.

Can you put a cost? Can you put a cost? Yeah, you can. This is nine quid. Oh, yeah. There is this countryside, The reason I've gathered you here today is this weekend

pretty much the Zenith of the countryside calendar kicked in. It was the annual village agricultural show. Have even been to an agricultural show before? Long time ago as a boy. Wow. Yeah.

Totally. It's the rural communities, basically to what us is Christmas or have had a birthday to the rural community, the agricultural show is that whenever I've been here, it was, I've always been in Edinburgh, so I've always sort of missed it for the last few years. So this year, I was home, so I got to go and experience what an agricultural show is first up. So how can I describe it?

Basically, if you can close your eyes and imagine a field, you're like 90% of the weather. It's like part of field adjacent thing. It was on a local farmer of a local farmer. And it's basically a lot of people from the village, but further afield, it's where it's like a big competition where lots of different things are being graded and prize winning is up. Well, this is where I thought your league thing would be part of this sort of event or is that separate? Yeah. Well, it depends on the times of the season, don't it? So we couldn't whip them out now.

It's not the time. Sorry, sorry, yeah. But we went in, so we took, I took 30 quid cash, cost me and Nicola 10 pound each to get in. So immediately we're down to 10 pounds. And the way the summer holidays are going with a boy, we're just like, take that, go away. And like when it's gone, it's gone, leave us alone. Do you know what I mean? Take that 10 pound, just spend it as you see fit.

Do you know what I mean? So he keeps coming back with various stuffed toys, which I would say almost immediately going to the charity shop as soon as I'm back. So we went there, and then inside, basically, it's a collection of animals. The first thing I saw was a collection of cows with, there's no other way to put in it, the juiciest buttocks you've ever seen in your life. Milk slash dairy slash calm update. What do you think of that, son-o? Were they eating cows?

Cows eating cows? Were they cows for eating or cows for milking? Honestly, they look at this guy's ass, cows for somewhere else, do you know what I mean? That's a bull, that's a bull. That's a bull with an engine room. No, no, no, nope. It was a lady cow. What?

So that's for milking then, isn't it? Well, it depends what you want to do with it. Are you men who eat women cows? Chris, actually, hold on, Sunil. Chris famously thought bulls had fannies, so I don't know if we can trust. This competition. Did you have a look at these, did you ever look at these cows fannies or dicks or what? I looked to, I was looking for dicks and balls and stuff, and I saw, like, the cows with a really nice ass was a lady cow.

Are you sure on? Because I'm going to look at the video, you say. It's like bulls. James, it had a, there's no other way of putting it. This cow had a great ass. No, there is another way of putting it, but, right. No, so no. Look, that's a, that's a male cow.

There's no odors on it. Is there a big pair of balls? Was it, was it one long udder, Chris? Did it have one long udder? There's no orders? I see no udder. Could you not milk it for as long as you thought? All right, let's have a look for it's bollocks.

There is a peat, there's either two very small udders or a penis and bollocks. That's a lady cow. Is it? Adders are quite big, aren't they? They're not just like teeth. No, all the energies, instead of growing udders, has gone into the art, the cultivation. This is a competition. The body, you don't know how bodies work.

It doesn't, your body doesn't say, oh, there's too much energy to grow, to grow others. I'll just grow an arse instead. No, no, it's like, they've got a little stick. The girls who are wrangling in my little stuff, I think they're like proddle with a stick, and I think it diverts the energy from the others to the ass. It doesn't divert energy.

It's not like having a number, it's not like having a strict limit on stats and then redistributing that. I think there are some tiny orders on that one. There's some little orders. You can't have been pissed off with me, you can't be pissed off with me because I'm looking at a cow with a lovely ass.

People are going to be listening to this, and they're not going to, going to be like, what's he going on about? I don't want to listen. And then they're going to see it. They're going to go to the social media account and they're going to see the super cut of this cow's a lovely ass. And they're going to be like, I get it.

Do you know what do they turn that ass into? What cut is that? I don't know, but maybe. Rump. Maybe nothing happens to it and it gets to go to someone's house and just every morning he wakes up. No. Just slaps like, gives that cow's ass asses that, sits back down.

No. I'm thinking of an or. offer. Do you know what I mean? Richard Osmond. He's got Richard Osmond's got that cow. It slaps its ass of a morning, back down, smashes out of the 500 pages of murder mystery. This is

James Dubey... Is this slander? Is it not slander to say that a powerful man? A powerful man appreciates a nice bull-eye now. It feels like you're undermining. No, no, no. He's not saying he's got one. He's saying it'd be nice if Richard Osmond did slap a cows.

It'd be nice for Richard Osmond to have a cow. That's what he's saying. Right, I see. Legally, we're fine. Because it would be a fun thing to do? Because it was, it like a sort of, sort of like a executive toy, but for farmers?

Like a Newton's cradle? No, because there'll be no give to it. It'll be like slapping a coarse drum, tightly, a tightly, a juicy, a juicy drum. Sunil, can you comment to that, Sunil? How long were you thinking about this or this? I'd love to know if there's some sort of schedule for this week's podcast? I'd love to know if there's any bullet points because we are

just going into it with no plan and this is what happens. You know this is what happens. But is it just that cow's bum? No, because there's other stuff going on, but I don't want to say him anymore. Richard Osmond. I don't know, Richard Osmond was there. He was just buying them all up, all the winners. Don't shake your head, so no. This is my, so no, this is my culture. This is the countryside. I'm not shaking, I'm not shaking my head. Your culture is war. and lagers. My culture is, to be honest, I did. So it was an event that it was largely attended by the farming.

It's an event for the farming community. It's not an event for outsiders. And within a very quick amount of time, it quickly became very easy to pick out who wasn't a farmer, ourselves included. Do you know what I mean? This is like, you've heard of the Bath and West show, haven't you? It's like the big farming one. See, that's another farmer's event, but it is open to the public

and it becomes a bit of a like, you know, lots of, like a fair, basically. These are open to the public. That's a huge, that one you just said, it's a huge one, isn't it? This one is a tiny village one. So, yeah, but obviously it covers, like, people are presenting animals from the area. But I think because it's smaller, it's less, it's more for the immediate community. You could feasibly track down that. cow to its field?

No. It can't be that far away from your house. You tried? I didn't try to buy this cow. How much is it? I don't know. Was it too much more than a tenor? He only had a tenor.

Did I tell you, you know, when we went to the steam fair last time, did I tell you? And there's only steam engines in Whitby? No. Oh, no, you didn't mention the steam fair. Steam punks. Steam parks, yeah. And there was all these, a display of,

steam contraptions, you know, like a wheel whipping around, pumping water in and out. And they were just like loads of variations than that. Marcus said my son had gone mad on commerce. So one of these old, like 18th century, 19th century like steam combine engine. I don't know what the fuck it is. But it's like 200 for sale, 200 pounds on there is to offer. And my son was like, please can we get it, dad? And I was like, I was like, I was like.

What are we going to do with that? I used to know someone who used to... This is years ago when I lived in Bath. There was a guy who collected old telephone exchanges, like in the big units, you know, they're like the tall, bigger than firing cabinets. The ones that someone had sit at and go, who do you want to speak to click click?

Sit out and plug it in. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is like, as hobbies go, it requires an enormous amount of real estate. That's the houseful, and you need a van to transport them. Yeah, it doesn't matter how much they cost.

It could be 50 quid, but it's going to cost you thousands just to keep it. It's often one of those things, you know, where a piano costs a lot of money unless you go on any, you're like, people are just like, please get this fucking piano out of my house. Like, I've got a big cupboard that I need to tackle when I get back. It's so big. It's a bit of antique furniture that we inherited. It's a beautiful big, grand old cupboard.

It is stained as somewhat, like, it had some sort of stain down the front. It needs, like, some sort of. decent care and need to get it out of my house basically I think I just need to smash it to pieces

but it doesn't feel nice because it's like a bit of burning in an era that he's dead why don't you find out if it's worth anything before you take an axe to it

you know what else is worth somewhat my I looked it up no but it's not it's my time although there are 701 episodes of this podcast

that would argue otherwise How many full minutes have you spent thinking just about that cow's bone? Morning, do you know what I mean? Like, one, I'm like, in Edinburgh, I'm walking. I find a cow's bum, like, how it got that, how it got that juicy. I'm like, you know what? I could keep, I could, I could tackle these Edinburgh hills with more gusto.

Because on the other side of it is my ass being like that, you know? No, I don't, I think having a big ass would make hills, like, harder to climb. Because you're carrying the weight. Yeah, but then if the engine's bigger, then you've got to carry more weight. What about if you combined it with a steam engine from earlier? Could that work? What if you had a steam-powered ass?

What if you were... Is that... Because I was wondering why you went from the arse to the thrusting steam engine. Again, this is an open call. Earlier. By the way, I've looked up cattle, $1,250 quid, or nearest offer.

For a cow? Yep. Any cow? Steers and heifers. Do cows? I always think with cows. and farm animals. Do you know when they've been bred to a point,

the bread are managed on a, like a hereditary genetic level for like two centuries, three centuries or whatever, where they are, do you know when you see old pictures of dogs and the breeds from like the 1800s or early 1900s?

The breeds that are the same breed look totally different these days because of like continued, over-forced breeding. I think like that with cows, like they are these powerful. beastly creatures that have been bred into subservience. Do you know what I mean?

Through like how, so is there a docile part of them that is more animalistic? Basically, yeah, what happens when you like, were they like? Yeah, what were they like when they were wild? Wild cows. James, can you look at wild cows? Yep, we'll do.

Well, surely it must have been for millennia that we've bred them, right? They must have been domesticated for millennia. On that same pages, you can also get swinging. sheep gates in a frame and then it's like can't find what you're looking for that's it how much is a sheep

it hasn't got sheep just got their gates you got to create an email alert doesn't say by now I watched a video of a company in America that like if you ever want

your garden cleared they just send four goats in your garden and they deal with it that's good yeah because goats eat everything they just eat everything and they do it very quick

How do you get them to stop? Like, once it's gone, it's like, then they don't have anything to eat. Just if you want to buy, from a butcher's, if you want to buy half a cow, that's $1,500. We could double a money. We'd double a money. After looking at this video. It's odd that, it's like, it's, you know, that classic painting, I don't know who did it, but of the big cow, you know, the classic painting, of the big cow that's just a rectangle.

Yeah. This is like just the arse of that. And then that was in the 1800s, and that was fucking massive then. So imagine what they're like now. Is it just there's more of them? So right, so we get there. Yeah.

So there's that, there's shape, there's shape knocking around too. They're all being graded. There's loads of competitions going on at kind of a similar time. You know what I mean? Like they've all been, which is kind of overwhelming.

So they're all being done. You're like looking around trying to figure out rosettes. are being handed out, there is a tent that is full of other things that have also been awarded prizes to, like baked goods cake, soup. Do you know what I mean? There's that. I also noticed there's like an egg cracked onto a plate, six eggs cracked onto a plate, and the eggs are being roasted. And apparently, Andy the tray bait man was there and he was cooking, he was baking the cakes. And as Andy has a knack of like, yeah, he rated best cow's heart. But, he was rating the cakes and he said

an older lady was following him around going like, I don't think that one should have won. And he was like, well, look at that badge. Wow. I'm the judge. So it has. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what it's all about minor disagreements in the village escalating into violence.

But Andy, the trade bait man, basically, like I told the story a few episodes back about him telling off a gag of bike because, you know, he's like, he's very much like in charge of his domain. And when people are messing around, who don't mind just putting him in his place, which I really like. But he was the judge for the day. It was, there was jams.

There was damson jam. There were slurgeon. They were knitting. There was like a random collection of stuff. There was like random bits of cogs and stuff. And you're like, what is this? But all this stuff is like, it can win, but it's not for sale. They just take it home and say, this is the best one and I'm going to eat it all.

Yeah, like I would very much be up for. Can I buy a jar of the winning local lemon curd? but it's just been made by like Elsie and she wins the rosette and she goes home. Yeah, it's mad. But there's a pinnacle of the day. Yeah, yeah.

You get a bag on that. You get a bag on that car. Go on that. So you get, just slapping it. That's it. I'm not suggesting anything more. Just slap it. Although what I will say,

in terms of animal handling, one thing that I noticed, a lot of ass play. Uh-oh. Is that no? a lot of like farmers a lot of farmers leading around cows they need to stay in

cows and horses and sheep they need to stay in exact places yeah you know what I mean like the judges coming down and eggs so the cow needs to be in a or the sheep needs to be in a line with all the others if it starts like pulling out of your well for my anecdotal visual experience

what do you do like like, sort of, you know, for me to ask, basically, to get a, like, I can imagine it's quite a placate, you don't see, subtle? What is this?

Are you handing over the reins of the conversation to me? Are you asking for a reaction? I'm just, when you, when you are, what's the word, when you are presented with something that's new outside of your experience,

you want to talk to an expert. What would you like me to apply on? No, so it's just like, do you know what I mean? Like, it's just, don't say ass play again. That is.

That is the first, honestly, 71 episodes in, I'm surprised we haven't got to ask play before. And you've said it six times, six times in a minute. The only other thing that I saw that I didn't like was, was like the cows have rings. They are moving, you know where it's a different world and it looks deeply unpleasant to an outsider, but you're a guest. But there was a farmer taken around a cow and it had a ring. through its nose, and that's how they lead them. But one of the cows, his nose was just like dripping with blood.

You know, so you're like, it's hard to look at that and be like, that, that looks fine. So, yeah, interesting, a lot to take in. No, this is, this is, this is the sort of thing we'd like to be invited to next time. Yeah, yeah. I would say, yeah, but brace yourselves culturally. Just say, yes.

Just, it'd be a case of keep. I've been to the kind, I followed a fox hunt and I said, I was from rural concerns, didn't I last year. No, you didn't tell me that. Your producer told me that, and I decided... I told you that, didn't I? That information needed to go no further. Sorry, James.

I wonder why I kept getting those dog turds. You're going to enjoy this. So the Piaz de resistance for me was that we got to see a tournament of Cumbrian wrestling. Oh my God, what? Which was fucking wicked. Right, ring, floor or tarpaulin?

Grass. Right. Grass ring, like as in, but grass ring also, obviously there is, to describe the mentality of the farmers, there is a dress code, you know what I mean, they're all dressed the same way. So the first thing that will strike you in a, in a Cumbrian wrestling match on a bit of grass is the sheer amount of rigid denim that's on display from the young farmer lads, you know? They're wearing jolets. These are not colours that I would think would be optimum.

Yeah, jeans are dancing. They're getting wet. Hard to grab up, though. They're not wearing shoes. They're wearing white socks. Not wearing shoes. It started with the younger ages. Last year, my son did this.

Yeah, how young. Yeah, like four or five up. Like, it's like there's wrestling teams there. I didn't know. I knew that he did it. And I knew that he was out straight away. But like, we were watching it. And my son went, that's who I lost her.

And I can only describe this young boy as a mountain. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You mentioned his full name on the podcast. We had to edit out. No, no, different boy. I've never seen this boy before. He was from Rotherba.

He was doing, like, this was a big kid. He was really good at wrestling. And I said to my son, I said, that's amazing that you even did it. Because it struck me to, he did it without having any experience going into like a big old, a big ring, big old. audience, you know. So it got progressively older, progressively more brutal. It seemed to be organized predominantly on, which meant that basically you would have,

you know, like in the younger kids, there's huge discrepancies in growth spurts. So somebody's kids are like, some of these kids are teeny tiny paired with basically to them, a giant. So the winning seemed to largely be led by height order. You know, like, but then as we got older, technique became more important, and it got, like, brutal. And they were basically asking for an open call, you know, for like, people, does anyone want to do it? Does anyone want to try it? So my instinct is to be like, I should do this for the podcast, but I was terrified.

It was scary. What are the rules of this wrestling? What makes it different from? Look at this. I'm going to stand up for a second. two people look at that two people like

is this going to be the is this going to be the place it's cut with the cow yeah arms go behind them so you're like your bum's out back your arms like a cow

like your arms lock behind them like that and it's like one two three go and then all it is is who can pull whom to the floor in most cases it's quick they do best of three

and the winner goes on. At the end, the winner, little kids, cash in envelopes. I like it. Nice. So you've got to be strong in the arms, the core and the legs, right? For this, it feels like. Yeah, but obviously at the younger ages, it's like a brute thing of like who's physically strongest.

When we start getting into the older age ranges, there is a lot more technique going on. So little a guy's overcome big. guys by a sudden, like basically switching the hips and using their weight against them to pull them over. They were probably using lifting throws known as hips, weren't they? Yeah, exactly. Twisting throws called buttocks.

Buttocks. I knew it was buttocks. I heard someone say, brilliant buttocks from this guy. And I was like... And you were like, with the cow's back? I said to Nicola, I was like, did he just sit in buttocks? So she was like, no. Do you know?

By this point, he did. By this point She keeps talking about that cow's ass She's had to come and find me And every time she's come to find me I'm looking at that cow She's catching your hand As you go to slap it

And it's like basically I very much felt like a visitor in a world And I said to Nicola I said these people These rural people They do like us They do tolerators But I get the feeling

Push comes to shove They'd like slit his throat Almost immediately Do you know what I mean like And it was nice to feel that to just confirm. I've always said that. I've always felt that.

Yeah, that they could turn on you very quickly. This is why, you know. But one day they'll need, you know, like they'll get a letter and they'll need someone to read it. So they'll come to me. Yeah, they think of them're good. Yeah, I can see why they're not like. No, it was lovely.

A lot of people from the local village pub showed up. A car. Boot open, drinking tinnies out of the boot. I was like, absolutely bang on, lads. I can't wait to go next year. I want to submit something, you know, like a cake or something. Can you just concentrate on the one thing you're supposed to be doing this year? I know what you're saying.

I agree. I wish I could. It's how my brain works. It's how my brain works. I don't want to do leaks. I want to make lemon curd. Did you find a date for the leak event? September sometime.

I've sent it. That's soon. I've sent it. But I sent it to someone else. Oh, my message. He's going to deleted. I'll find it. I was going to give you two options of things I've done.

First of all, Jurassic Park, new film. Yeah, let's put that in a high culture, which is available on the Patreon to people that support us at patreon.com forward slash rural concerns. Follow slash the Joe Morgan podcast. Here is the city bit. Guys, I play golf now, 18 holes, got a buggy. That's a crucial difference.

It cut down the playing time because I could basically just drive it down the fairway with my club out and just smash my ball and then keep driving and follow the ball. Like motorized polo. Like motorized polo. It was really fun. We got to this course thinking we'd be the worst people there

and that we'd be holding up play. We'd have to let people play through. an absolute dream of, of course, got there, three lads thrashing about in a bush looking for their ball, we thought things are looking up for us. It was fucking chaos. People there were shocking at golf,

and it's perfect. They were just shanking it across other people's fairways, walking around everywhere, getting in the way. Who were you with? Can you tell us? Eric Poll, comedian. Is he alright? A golfer?

Yeah, he's all right at golf. He's not, no, no, he's not good. Neither of us are good, which is why we did it. We just wanted to get some practice. before we make it up to the PGA and stuff. Well, the opens of just the point, isn't it? And also they do loaded nachos there as well.

Yeah, loaded nachos, burgers, dinosaur crazy golf. The buggies are 37 quid. Absolutely bargain. No, it was really good to another good story. I'm glad you're doing it. I'm glad it's that closest thing you're getting to exercise. This is, yeah, it's about 15,000 steps. No, it's 15,000 reps.

No, you're doing really well. and it's skill, so it keeps the mind going. There's lads there with motorized golf trolleys. You know, the trolley you put your bag on, they've just got trolleys which follow them around. Like a robot, they've got robot trolleys. Why? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Apparently, it's like one of those ones where you can, like, you input the next hole into the touchpad on the golf trolley, and it just drives to the hole and waits for you there. No, it's really cool. Golf has always been one for daft fads, aren't it? Oh, yeah, I suppose it. There's a lot of basically like middle-aged men with disposable income. The little socks for the heads of the golf clubs

is kind of a, it's a way to express your personality, like a funny tie or sock. Have you got any of them? Yeah, that's right. Mine are leather. Yeah, but I got my golf clubs off a 10-year-old, didn't I? I don't know where he got them from. Oh, yes.

Yes, I remember. But they're quite old. They're like wooden. They wouldn't. Do you feel an urge to upgrade your gear to go? No, because we just, I mean, I will eventually. but I cannot believe how expensive golf clubs are. It's absolutely unbelievable how expensive they are.

Like one club can be like 500 quid. Where's that? It's like mad. But presumably there's like cook, you know, like cookworks argos, you know, like you could go for a very expensive kettle or you could just spend 20 quid and furnish your student flat. There has to be like a cookworks equivalent for golf. Yeah, but then what will the boys on the course think

if I turn up with a cookworks kettle? You're showing up with wooden clubs from the 1930s. You know what I mean? They've got like mild with cigarettes sitting on time and stuff like this. Yeah, I definitely have the most embarrassing kit at that golf course, that's for sure. 100%.

The groundskeeper or the Marshall looked at my clubs and he sort of said, like, you're not getting... They won't hit the ball very far. No, he's like, they're very hard to hit a ball with properly because the heads are quite small and modern clubs have much bigger heads so he said if you manage to hit it

that'll go a distance but it's unlikely you'll manage to hit the ball with that and he was right I lost four balls found three more and then lost them as well you're like ferreting around in the undergrowth for balls yeah yeah I was I was looking for balls

I was ferreting around looking for teas I was completely underprepared so I basically sonil is on the hunt for balls they put that's the takeaway for that. Right. Should we do a letter? Yeah.

Beat it. This is a letter from Chris. And Chris says, Hello, boys. Love the pod. In response to your appeal for correspondence, I have a small series of loosely related missives. 520 down, 103 up.

Pretty good. If I wanted to access a glossy picture of a cow's fanny, I could do it like that. Okay. Now, I'm almost certain that a cow does have a fanny. No citation given. I tried growing leaks last year, but the fucking aphids got them and they ended up finger thin. Some might say that it wasn't the aphids that stunted their growth, but instead it was the fact that I never Googled how to grow leaks.

And so just had them poking out of a non-trenched patch of earth with no piss, no manure, no comfrey. I think we seasoned leakers can agree it was probably the aphids, though. I invented a game called Chris Doxing Golf, where you see how few Googles it takes to find Chris's On my first attempt, two, popping stone, then village name B&B on Google Maps, quick dip into Street View, look around, there's the broomstick. Can we establish two as par for the course? The game has almost zero replay value, so I'm not going to do it better. Note for Chris in his head full of bees.

So, yeah, that Chris. That's a combination of golf and finding out where you live. That's got to be some of your favorite things. Think about that. That's something interesting to talk about, isn't it? Note for Chris and his head full of bees. I finally went and got diagnosed with ADHD last year at 34 with two young kids, got medication, and for the first time, I experienced mental quiet.

Fucking Mint, recommend it. I also try to play computer games if I can get some time alone, because like you said, it soaks up every bit of attention. Microdosing speed on doctor's orders gives me enough brain juice to keep the many frayed strands of attention in order and pointing where I want to, which is pretty fucking close to that gaming experience. So is speed what, is speed the, is that right? Really?

It's an, they take amphetamines, yeah. Isn't it an amphetamine they prescribe for ADHD? How does that work? Yeah, yeah, it's like a controlled small dose of an infetamine. Yeah, I don't get it either. Cool. Dr. Chris is out of the building. Also, if I'm a cunt, it can't be my fault because I have a brain disorder

and you wouldn't call a guy with a head injury, a cunt, right? I would. A lot of serial killers. have had brain injuries. They are still cunts. All right. I'd still call them a cum, maybe not to their face

if they're a serial killer though, actually. No, as a line, let's say all serial killers are cunts. I'm almost at the antipodes of where the pod is recorded. Is that the right way to pronounce it? Yeah, antipodes, yeah. Yeah. I'm almost at the antipodes of where the pod is recorded.

Even at this distance, I would probably still download the full episode before Snell's urban dystopia level, two cups and a string telegraph system even loaded the Spotify which is true. Yes, I know that Sinell probably has a copy of the episode before it's released.

Not true, but I have a brain disorder so you can't expect me to maintain logical consistency. Rorily concerned, also Chris, and also failed amateur leak grower from New Zealand. God, there's a lot of similarities with you too. First off, that's incorrect, because I'm not a failed amateur

leak grower from New Zealand. No, not yet. That's a good letter. It's a great letter, but it is amazing that someone in New Zealand knows where you live. And diagnoses me with ADHD without permission. I said I've probably definitely got it. Well, I thought you had it.

I thought you said it. Everyone wants me to take medication. I'm sort of resistant to it because it's got me so far. Do you know what I mean? As in, I'm through life. Not taking speed. Isn't it worth a little pun, see what happens? I don't know.

I think whenever I forget someone's birthday, I'm like, right, I'm getting some speed now. It just feels like a heavy thing to take, you know? That is what, like, okay. So I was like, maybe I could just do regular running, you know, and not drink clothes, and maybe it'll sort of balance out. Oh, I see, yeah. You're trying to, yeah, that makes sense, rather than medicate everything.

Yeah, thank you for getting in touch, Chris. It's good to have, it's nice to hear with somebody who's... Thanks for leaving me out of it as well. So, yeah, somebody who understands somebody who gets this podcast, really. No, it's interesting. to hear from somebody who's clearly got a similar brain makeup to me. Yeah, but he's from New Zealand, isn't he? So we don't know what's going on over there.

But why did he grow leaks? It seems unusual. Yeah, that's an odd coincidence. We don't know the social pressures. No, you're right, actually. If anyone's in New Zealand, let us know what's going on over there. It's quite rural, isn't it, in New Zealand? It's probably quite cheap to get us sheep.

Now that my wife's growing, like, we've got fresh tomatoes in the garden, which she's grown. Yeah. You know, like, she started growing tomatoes and you're like, what are you doing? This is mad. Now, it's paying off. They're coming to furry.

And I can't piss on them at the top. But the flavor of these tomatoes is mind-blowing compared to what you would buy in a shop. It's crackers. Yeah. What do they taste? So you're like, in that world, you're like, if you add the space,

like it does feel like, Yeah, my life's taken to it. And I'm like, yeah, get me some rocket baby, you know. Yo, yo, yo, everyone listen up. This is the end of the podcast episode that you've listened to. You probably learn a lot. Thanks. Thanks for listening.

Yeah, thanks, Chris. and just as a reminder, you can get tickets to our last live show over the year, 22nd of November 2025 at the Fairfield Social Club in Manchester. Tickets for that show are in the notes. I think the other lads may plug stuff, I don't know, but I've got a work in progress at the Bill Murray in London on the 11th of September,

and I know what date that is, and it is not. It's not what? So basically, if you're in and around the London area, or you fancy your day-tripping, get down there and catch Sunil's hot show before it comes to the Edinburgh Fringe in 2026. It won't be coming to the Edinburgh Fringe in 2026 currently. I don't know what I'm doing with it. It might never be shown again.

That's why you should come. The best way to support us here at Rural Concerns is for you, the listener, to become a Rural Concerns Patreon at patreon.com forward slash Rural Concerns. And for a small donation, you'll not only be supported. supporting an independent podcast, which means we have the power to just let Chris talk about cow's bums for 40 minutes and fannies. Yeah, for a couple of minutes in that, but it really was mostly the bum. Well, you'll also get weekly bonus episodes and stick around for a sneaky little peak

after the credits. I'm at work. Who's that by? Oh my God. It's the assassin, Poppy Hillstead. Our music is by Sam O'Leary. At the time of writing, he's thinking Italy. He's always on holiday, like Sunil.

Our legal due diligence, Carl Derrick, who I think smokes indoors. I don't know. We'll find out soon enough. Royal Concerns is edited by Joseph Curry's PC World Burroughs, and it's produced by Egg Mountain for lovely time productions. Also, if you've been affected by any of the issues that you've heard in today's podcast, particularly around arces of cows, you know,

get into, like, call your GP. immediately. Oh, yeah. If you have fixating on cows, big asses and you've got all you want, cheap golf clubs, call 999 immediately. We'll deal with the rest.

Three old English billy goats, three billies all to go together, 300 quid for the lot. Only saying as we have a young baby and lack of time. Well behaved. Tame enough. to eat out of your hand. Big

personalities. 300 quid for three. Animals are very cheap. Friendly goat kids looking for a new home? 75 quid each. What website's this? Farmingadds.com. uk.org. Registered B-grade English billy kid 200 quid.

Oh, you James? James. James. How much is one B? I don't know. I found out sheep's. Yeah.