Rural Concerns - Cryptids, chess & a slightly bigger than normal pen

Episode Date: September 16, 2025

A hefty update for the Leek Club fans as we approach the endgame! In this episode Chris harnesses the power of prayer for personal gain, Sunil tours a private library of mucky books and James gets nerdy about arcade games. We’re performing a Rural Concerns live show in Manchester (UK) on 22nd November 2025! It’s going to be a heady mix of slander, skits and choice-based adventure gaming! Grab your tickets here.  Series two of Chris' radio show Icklewick FM has just dropped on BBC Sounds! It's also on BBC Radio 4 at 11pm for the next few weeks!   If you have a Rural Concern you can send us an email to [e-mail]. We promise we’ll be very kind! The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello and welcome to Rural Concerns, a podcast where each of the hosts lives in a different kind of place. My name is Chris Cantrell and I reside in the countryside. If you say bubble tea or hollow night silk song to me, then I'm not bothered because I'm fully rural. Nowadays, my bubble tea is normal tea, and my holiday silk song is slapping a prize-winning bull's big, juicy ass. My name is Sunil Patel, and I live in the city. Recently, they evacuated my entire street

because some workmen unearthed an old World War II bomb. I didn't leave with the rest. I continued to sit on my sofa watching the entire works of Jake Gyllenhall, knowing that Hitler's mechanical minion wouldn't have the fucking bulls to go off. My name is producer James and I live in suburbia When my wife catches me on my phone While we're meant to be enjoying severance

I respond by screaming Look at my phone if you don't trust me It's a high risk gambit Because if she ever did look at it She'd find some really horrible stuff in there Honestly, mad stuff We aren't acted that very well Alleged to like

I believe there's pressing issues That need our attention So have we got stuff to talk about What, city stuff. You go first because something very exciting is happening for you. Yeah. There is this countryside bit. There's a few things.

One? No, we'll just do one. Right. Leak, you know, you've been hounding me. Yes. For Leak Club information. Yes. When is it?

It's, I, suddenly, it's, I got told it's this weekend coming when we are like, like, it's, but. I've been told it's basically happening next weekend I messaged a guy and was like the king of the league club and was like Martin is it this weekend he said I hope not I'm in Crete good I hope not because I'm interviewing Brian blessed I've heard have you talked about it on the podcast you I need to do some research no you don't need

James you literally don't need to do one single thing you just need to say this is blame imagine if it doesn't go imagine if he doesn't speak what if he's reticent I don't think he will be he's experienced and I feel want to talk about his life He's going to want to talk about cryptids, though. What are they?

Spiders? No. It's crosswords. Crosswords. No. Cryptid, it's like Yetis and stuff. Yetis? It's like...

Cryptozoology is the study of animals that have not been documented by your so-called mainstream biologists. Sorry. Didn't know this is the Joe Rogan podcast. This weekend. Not this weekend, weekend after. We are in... Is it?

We have just over... Yeah, it's the 13th... Well, you said come up this Saturday? Yeah, I know. I was panicking. I can't even do next week. But this is some guy in the pub said it's next weekend. But then I was like, ah, but then I messaged a guy and was like, is it this weekend?

Because I'm doing a show on the Saturday. So I didn't want to leave the leak. But it's actually, it's the week after. So we are now in, it's less than two weeks until. it's time for Leak Club. Honestly, the relief that I feel of just being, you know, like putting my head, like a cow, putting its head on the block being like, please just fucking bolt me. I want to be done. I want to be done with Leak Club. I can't have this hanging over. Well, you've at least, I've invested quite a lot of money in some very poorly performing leaks.

And so is my wife. He's invested a lot of piss. He's invested a lot of piss. His wife pouring water down his throat waiting for it to come out. Yeah, but somebody, I put a picture of him on Facebook and somebody who lives sort of in the area was like, well, you know. You're going to come rock bottom? You're going to let us down? Well, I thought I was going to cut that.

Listen, it don't matter what. Listen, if you listen to this podcast, do you know what Sunil said? It doesn't matter if you, and as long as you try, Sunil, you can't be, if you're not the champion of everything all the time. You've been slagging off my leagues for months. It don't matter. taking part, putting yourself outside of your comfort zone, this is what league club was always all about.

Spending 60. And if I've spent 65 pounds to learn that, then that's... Actually, if you spent 65 quid, I'm happy, yeah. If it is equipment you had right in the house, I'd be fuming. The only thing, I'm definitely not going to place, but I've had a potentially last minute reprieve, which I've learned about in the form of apparently there's some very serious leak pestilence going around.

A blight. Which is destroyed, a great blight, which is destroying whole crops of leaks in the area. And I heard this and I thought, thank you, oh father who are in heaven for sending a pestilence to put me on the leaderboard. I don't have to win. But if the leaks, if it's a great pestilence. And God chooses to pass over my leaks, and he puts me on that champion table, then it's been great. And I get 65 pounds at least back. God's chosen gardener.

Because as a younger man, I didn't, you know, like I said, very anti-red Richard Dawkins, Goddilusion. I was like, pull all the churches down. Now when I'm a bit older, I do find myself turning to God and saying, please, fix this for me. And I will give you a sacrifice. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you going to sacrifice? Do you know what I mean? You don't need to sacrifice. Sacrifice is Old Testament stuff.

Ancient bud magic up here, so now. No, it's not. Blood magic in the fells. I don't want to say more than that on the matter. It's like blood magic. There's fiber optic cables underneath every road. Was it 5G? That's killing the lakes.

That's it can be. We are the Joe Rogan podcast. So that's Leak Cup. Leak Club is soon to come to an end. Obviously, I've loved every minute of the journey, but I'm also looking forward to a new time, a new age when I don't think about leaks at all. I'm going to do chess.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Chess club, son-ail. No, I don't think that's a good idea. Point to D-9. Do you know what I mean? No, it's not, I'm not going to invest in chess sets to keep up with this.

Let's choose an existing hobby wheel. You strike me as a chess man. James, are you a chess man? I get bored. Right, who are you going to play chess with, Chris? I don't know like an older. You've got not a single friend up there. Andy's busy, he's got Traybakes.

Oh, God, my friend Dave. Does he play chess? Are you back friends with him? Me and Dave never fell out. Me and Andy fell out. Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're back.

Me and Andy, back, Titan and Ever. He listens to this podcast. Good. Which has recently been confirmed. Dave gets tattoos all the time. That's what he does instead of chess. He's entering late club, but he's fucked it. Dave couldn't have fucked it any harder.

He had a bath full of manure for no real reason. Yeah, which he started with his hands. He's a madman. He's a madman. Does he want to play chess? You can't just force your friends to play chess. Me and when my wife's away, when Nickler's away, me and the boy, when it's, I'm having tea, I'll often set up, we set up the chess table where it's just me and him and we have like a quick game. Neither of us can quite see it through.

I don't think that's a good idea then to make that your next year. a long hobby. So what, yeah, because what would be the end game? You would beat deep mind or something. I don't know, but right, can I tell you my other league club, the other league club that I really did think about for next year, which is chess is something I could do with my own time. It doesn't tie in with a theme of the podcast.

Guess what I've been thinking about. Guess what I've been yearning to do for the next league club. It's more boring than growing leaks. Yeah, yeah. No, but it's quick. I find it really like, when chess is happening quickly, I'm panicking. Do you know what I mean? I don't think you need more panic in your life.

When people are moving aggressively, I'm like, what are you doing? Why are you moving so quickly? I don't like it. The next late club that I've been thinking of, which I'm quite serious about, archery. Oh, God.

What are you thinking of that, Sunil? A quiver on my back. Yeah, I reckon there's another thing that you're going to sink, you could sink four or five hundred quid into. I'm not, I'm not going to join in on this, obviously. I can put my Magic the Gathering cards in the middle of the bullseye. What happened to your hobby of Magic the Gathering?

That's more of this, please. I've got £75 worth of cards sitting in a drawer and they're gradually getting picked off to be impromptu bookmarks. You know what I mean? It's a disaster. I still love the cards, but it's too big and confusing

and the sets move all the time. Do you know what I mean? There's no consistency. Like with chess, you buy one chess set. They're not adding a new piece. Six months later. Yeah, it's not Warhammer, is it? But why don't you just go back to your core, you know, love,

your core beliefs and start painting Citadel miniatures? A friend, Lee, does, Lee, did, you know... Dog sex correspondence. Dog sex correspondent. He does, he does miniatures. That's how he got into playing Warhammer and stuff. But the miniatures are a gateway to play in it, you know? So then he's playing Warhammer with nerds that are not.

they're not kind you know like the people that play if you make a little if you're new to it and you make a slight mistake on the rules they're like nasty you're not kind to people yeah so he's like there

with a wife and that so he's not bothered what they say but you know words hurt really so but I think it needs to be some I think archery types like there's a rural element to it do you know what I mean archery can hurt

actually the way I'm going to do it yeah I think we should steer you away from anything that feasibly is a weapon. What are you Googling, Sonnell? No, I'm typing in something else I have to talk about, but I just wrote I had ice cream. Hey, what a brilliant way to bring us onto the city-based segment of the show.

Yeah, Sunil, sorry. Please do what's been going on in the big city of London. No, we can finish off. Sorry, it's more interested in the countryside. I think we've finished off the talk of archery. Chris shouldn't take up archery. That's the late. The Leak Club update, there's a Leak Club finale,

a finale to the season of Leak Club is happening. But we've got to be careful because we don't want to wire season two ourselves. I'm looking up archery set for beginner 40 plus. What's set it in a shipping container? What are you on about? Exactly. It went too far away. Like if you get a new thing next year that's not leaks,

but it's too far away from leaks, we'll wire season to ourselves. And we'll find ourselves in season three coming back to leaks. and then I don't know what the series after that was how many series were there? Is your mate?

Fucking hell look at these fucking bows, man. Oh no. How much is an arrow? How much is an arrow then? Oh no. I'm not going to, I'm actually not going to sanction this.

Sonnell, you know when you're in the comedy club and these young people where lots of big social media followings are saying like, oh, what was it like in your day, old man? Then what, well, do you think then they don't respect?

you, and then suddenly you pull out a bow. Yeah. But some of these are like carbon fiber, like Rambo type ones, you know? They're not like wood. With all the pulleys in. We've got like five strings. They look like a, they're sort of M shaped. Do they have any that come in the shape of a just a normal?

Oh, what's that? That's a slightly bigger than normal pen. And then you flick it, you know what I mean? Foo Airport Security. Bang, it's a bore. Take that ambassador. Look at the Drake Gecko RTS compound bow. Wow.

The perfect bow for youths and adults. I don't think we should be given the youths bow. But arrows. Okay. The only bow that looks like a normal bow is 85 quid. And an arrow is £7. You get out in the woods. You find a yew tree.

You need two to show off. I need one and I need it on a little chain. You like one of those key chains that you put your keys on. it, zip it like a dog, one of those dog leads where, you know, it's retractable. So attach the arrow to that, fire it into the tree, press the dog lead, zip back the arrow. Yes, James. Yes. Have you ever considered the harpoon gun?

That's exactly what you're up there. Does harpoon gun have a retractable element to it? It's got a string on it. Yeah, it's on a string. Yeah. You're not just shooting at fish. You are trying to catch him and bring him in. It feels too far away from the core principles of this podcast.

water-based stuff. Me on land, no shoes on, those shoes are sax on, bow and arrow. Running through the mud, feeling the mud and the stone under my feet,

hardened feet, chasing down somebody from London. Oh, I thought it was just target practice? Well, what's he going towards? What's he working towards?

Yeah, no, fair enough. Well, no, I don't think you should be in charge of any weapons, not in the wilds up there. It's goal leading towards the upcoming purge of the Liberals.

Welcome to the Joe Morgan podcast. Chris's U-Less protest gets out of control. So, so no, I've trod all over here. You're living in London. It's a mega city. What's going on down there? What have you been on to? I was struggling to think of things to talk about.

Obviously, I've been very busy, but with work that I can't really talk about, such as doing a gig in Manchester with Chris at the weekend. You can talk about that? Yeah, no, I can. That was fun. I also, look. Here is the city bit. I got a tour of a private library today

called the London Library, which is on St James's Square. That was quite interesting. It's for members only. Yeah. You go in, previous members, Virginia Woolf, Charles Darwin, Charles Dickens. Have you applied to be a member

writing jokes about your knob, is that there? That's what I thought I'd be able to do. They're fine with it, because if you pay the fee, you're allowed to do anything, isn't it? Is it in Mucky Books? Library of Mucky Books. I was going to try and find out. There's 17 miles of books, and in a monk's there, there's got to be some absolute filth somewhere, like an erotica section.

And it's like, it's proper musty smell in there. And there's like a couple of desks strewn aside near like some of the books where no one can see you. And you think Charles Darwin was chasing himself off, chasing himself around? Well, there's toilets as well, so you could chase yourself off. You'd chase yourself all the way to the toilet. I mean, it was pretty, it was pretty impressive. It's like this incredibly impressive building in like near Green Park

and a lot of sort of old men carrying like 10 books in a row and sort of snoozing in corners and it is right up my street. So you're looking because I know you do work in the you do favour library for working for quiet undisturbed work. Is this something that you would pay

to gain access to to have access to the facilities? I went to visit comedian well a friend of ours who's a comedian works out of the air. Who? Obviously. The Fons. He works out of the gents loos in there.

I will do if I join. But yeah, he works out of there. I was quite interested to see what it was because it's like, you know, you wouldn't get a chance to see stuff like that unless you either pay to be in there or ask for a free tour. So they gave me a free tour,

which is really nice. I'd recommend it. Anyone can get a tour. I mean, that's it. The second thing I've done in London in the past couple of weeks is have ice cream. Unrelated, surely, not at the same time. Not in a library. Not in a historical members-only library with your Mr. Whippet.

It's one of these mysterious London buildings where you're like, how the fuck is that affording to exist? I try to do the numbers, right? Seven and a half thousand members, maximum they'll pay is 500 a year. You can't even do the maths. You do the math. It's like a billion then? It's not enough. I don't think it's enough.

But it's like one where it's like where the building is owned in perpetuity. That's it. I think they've got endowments from like rich people. Probably bought in the 80s. Because so many like writers work out. They're like novelists. And then they give their novels to the libraries. They don't have to buy any books.

So that's cutting costs there. Boom. Done. Some explorer would have, you know, someone who discovered a continent was like, have the city, give this to the members. So you don't have to worry about. You just have to worry about that candle budget, you know, to keep a little flame going.

I reckon Darwin gave him a bit of money, for sure. Huh? Darwin would have given them a bit of money. Virginia Woolf, yeah. Virginia Woolf, Darwin. David Williams, the greatest offers of the age. I think Richard Ioward is a member. He was in the magazine on the front cover.

They've got their own magazine. But anyway, strange part of the world. Good to visit. Maybe if this podcast takes off, I'll become a member. What do you mean it has taken off? Sorry, but if... Continues to rise, I think is the terms that you're looking for. Continues its stratospheric rise to every once every six months

going into the charts for literally 28 minutes. Oh, yeah. Do you think you'd have got away with university, like, doing drama, if you couldn't read? Yeah. Well, you've got to learn the plays, haven't you? But you can just listen to an audio book. Of the plays. Yeah.

Watch your film of the plays. watch I fail with the play I don't know how people get around not being able to read because of the internet and stuff everything's written down when you think about it really isn't it?

Yeah, I guess so if I couldn't read I would pretend I was blind or not really be asked writing anything in the group chat document do you know what I mean I've written down I had ice cream

I'm not oh I've forgotten something I forgot I had ice cream I'm not convinced you can read I don't know if he knows what he's written but he has written stuff in there Shut up Yeah I've written something down

That's not true. Everyone's bloody minds. Where? Sunil's just written. Go on. You tell him. I can't. I don't.

Sunil is just written in the shared document where we keep notes for the episode that last night he had nine pints. Sunil, can he speak to this? It's all true. Some of them were lucky saints. Oh my gosh. You had a tactical lucky saint every two or three. Tiger in. Zembrein.

It's every. I'm going to officially be said the best low alcohol beer. No. Guinness Zero. Freedom. Haven't had a free down. Free damn. The blue can ones.

Is that continental, though? It's Spanish. The blue can ones. What, like Madri? Madri is not Spanish. Guinness is so nice, the Guinnessivo that it tricks you in and thinking you're having a good time. Written something else down.

How I did this last night as well. I've did two more things. last night. I forgot to talk to it. Crown Green? Boles. I played bowls. Huh? What's that? That's top end bowls, isn't it? Yeah, I went to Peck and Bowls. Really? Absolutely lovely time. Pissed it down.

Yeah, it did. Absolutely pissed it down. So I spent most of it vaping. Now, after that, went to a pub slash bar with gaming consoles and arcades in it. What? Four quarters? Oh, I want to go there. Because I've been wanting to go there for 20 years.

15 years, however long it's been open. Yeah, a bit grubby, but yeah, it's good. Bet it won't 15 years ago. But is it like, Sunil, do you have to put pound coins, do you pay for you go, or can you just use machines as much as you want? Now, the SNAS, you can use it as much as you want, there was a room upstairs, it just had a sign, I didn't go up, but it was a sign in the door saying,

10 pound per hour to play on anything up there. Yes. So I assume it's loads of consoles. The arcades is like, I think it's £2.50 for four quarters. And then, yeah, that's it. So the arcades, there's a few of them. They're pretty like the classic ones. The taxi one where you're driving a taxi.

Crazy taxi. Crazy taxi. Dance one. Dance, dance revolution. That's it. There's a similar one of these in Manchester where it's basically a flat fee to be in for a period of time and you can do as much as you want while you're in there. Can we go away? When we do the live show?

The fun. Oh, does it? It's out of Manchester. We definitely could. It involves a car. It's like, I think it's Bury or Bolton. No Bury, I think. And it's good.

But do you know when you're not dependent on a 50p going in? Yeah. And you can just keep going. To me, like existentially, a lot of the, the bike to keep going disappears. Oh, really? It's nice to see some of the old stuff, some of the old games.

There's some like, in this Manchester one, there's a really weird, very, very, very, early Star Wars Tie Fighter type game and the graphics are so I don't know, I don't think you get in it I think it's just a console but the graphics are so...

Is it the Amstrad one or something or Atari? It might be the Amstrad one. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool to walk around but what did you do? What did you play? I just play Mario Kart on the snares it's just rubbish compared to the new ones, isn't it? It's not, it is more difficult. The way the camera swing

round is a bit sickening. No, I mean, I mean, the resolution. It's dog shit. It's blocky. Why would I play that? Was it on now, I'm going to get nerdy. Was it on a flat screen telly or was it on a CRT? Flat screen.

Because weirdly, CRT monitors make old things like that look better because they're kind of a slightly smudged. Oh, I see, right. So it kind of looks better than it does on a high-definition screen. Oh, like wine is better at. have a wine glass, not a... Yes, teacup. Pint glass.

It's that when you got a 4K TV and you can see everyone, you can see everyone's paws and stuff, yeah, that's it, yeah. What out of interest was your, what's your sort of childhood arcade game? What would you, what would you be like giddy for?

I never played arcades as a child. Really? Just... Never went to one. Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know. Well, I don't think there was one in Bath. Not even when you went on holiday to the seaside. Oh, yeah.

One of the motorbike ones. Oh, you proper sit on? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're good fun. Because I was always good at road rash as a kid. Wait, wait a minute, this connects us through to, so me and Sonnell were together a week just passed on Saturday. And we recorded a video, chill out. But we were doing a show to, we were doing a charity fundraiser together.

So we met there. We didn't really have enough time because the gig was a lot early in and, I thought it was, but we made sure to rush into the middle of town to go to what I'm going to say, son-o, one of the busiest C-E-Xs I've ever been in in my life. The biggest C-E-X I've been in as well. Yeah, that's right. Someone took, but I heard someone said that there was a two-story C-EX. What?

Let us know if you've seen that. Tell us where the two-story C-EX is. Tell us the tales of the two-story C-EX. How did they separate it? Like, what's on that second floor? DVDs. Oh, I've been in a two-story C-EX is. story one?

Wrathbone place. It's got a basement full of one pound DVDs. Darwin chasing himself around the Wii U section. No, no. It's like it's like it's basically, it's near Soho, isn't it? So it's, yeah, it's a big, is that the original one that what's name worked out, Charlie Brooker? So you designed the logo?

No. Yeah, it did. You did? What can't he do? Designed this whole crap logo, isn't it? Yeah, designing logos. Also, it's pronounced sex. everyone knows it's a sex shop.

I've never pronounced it as sex. I've always pronounced it as C-E-X. No, it's C-E-X. Come on. We might be nerds, but we've got some dignity. I think the owner wanted it to be pronounced sex, didn't they? I love C-E-X. I just want to say that.

Okay. Not connected to anything at all. We've got to get sponsors. Surely they've got to sponsor us of all the people. If you are from C-E-X, you have to sponsor us. It won't cost you anything. It's just basically let us all go into this two-story CX for 11 minutes. Give us a tenor.

And we can't give us a tenor. We're doing it anyway. I want to know what your arcade game was. What do you mean my arcade game? What was your one that if you saw it in the place, you'd be like, yes, I'm definitely playing all my money on that. Honestly, it's sort of a shit game. Of course it is.

It was the Simpsons beat. them up. It's not a shit game. You've got four people on that. Yeah, but it's a four player. If you've got four people, you're not friends with them. I've never played it with morning two.

I've never, like me and my dad and stuff, you know. Yes. Like now I've alternate, I'm Homer, you know, I've moved up at my son's bar.

Well, that is circle of life. If I had a silly amount of money, I think I'd buy one of them. Have you played the, this is just becoming a video games podcast, cool. we'll save this for the podcast.

So if anyone's unsure about whether they want to sponsor this podcast and get their bonus content on Patreon, I think this confirmed, don't worry about it. Right. Two things. One, something cool happened recently. Is it cool?

It's definitely interesting. In the pub, Sunday pub called back. It's like first day back after this, you know, like we've been looking after as kids. We know because you were texting us like mad. Yeah, absolutely shitted. Yeah, how many points did you have?

Oh, on a school night No, it was four And I was pushing for five But Dave was like, I've got to go I've got work in the morning You know, like he was dead serious But, because it's first day back But we were sat in this little alcove at the pub

My son was sat next to like Where they hang the coats Which was empty apart from like This one little This bag This guy called Tom comes over He goes, oh, I'll just move that You know like this bag next to my son's head

Shotgun he was just like, yeah, I'll just, I'll just shift that. And it was, yeah, just. Bluntie out. Yeah, just a shotgun. What was he doing with that? I don't know. I think you just have a shotgun up here sometimes.

Can you get a gun, please? So, Neil, you've asked me. Yeah. I've got to make it happen now. I've got to learn the responsibility of the firearm. First step, mastering the bow. Do you reckon you'd pass the background checks? My one?

Oh, no, no, gil gum me, won't they? I was going to say it by one time and then you'd be like, oh, so much stuff I've said and do you know what I mean? If it listens to his podcast, I'm quite vengeance prone. Do you know what I mean?

We did an entire episode about kicking people's heads off their shoulders, didn't you? If you were to get become like a professional marksman, would you go like Jimmy Bond or would you be like, was that guy in the last Olympics that was just like smoking?

a fag while he was doing it or something. I'd do that one. Smoking a fag. What, the Turkish land? I'd mix, I'd mix that guy smoking a fag handgun with, you know, the break dancer that was Australia. Oh, yeah. The bad one, yeah.

Well, that's up to you. That's your opinion. Technically, she was keen to remind us that it was flawless. But I'll be doing that and shooting. Do you know what I mean? Braet dancing and shooting in the air? I could be, that's the only way I could reach the Olympics, I think. into my marksmanship.

What, dancing? No, like with a gun. Oh, I see. They might bring back some of the art stuff because they used to have art in the Olympics, didn't they? They might bring that back. You might have a go in with that.

They put stand-up in. Yeah. Because they used to have, like, painting, like the old, old Olympics, like the 19, 18, England, London one, there was, like, painting and writing a book or something. I'd write a book at an Olympic level. I think I could get a bronze in writing a book.

Olympic level, choose your own adventure, decide your destiny, sorry, copyright. We've got to start, I'm coming back off, I feel a bit like pummeled, coming back to work after the summer holidays in Edinburgh. But in the back of my head, we are, oh yeah, we've got to start working on the live show, which is exciting. It's not long away, is it? It'll go, it's two months away, isn't it? So buy a ticket now, don't let the sound of our voices, the fear and panic in other? voices, like, we are going to be prepared. Guess where I'll be a month before that.

A beafer? Our Dubland. We are going to Amsterdam with the boys. Whoa. Yeah, don't worry about that. Is it like the young boys and then the older boy? Jordan Brooks, Amy Gledhill. So I'll be there.

Our train arrives into Amsterdam at 420. Nice. I bet they have a special... I bet they make the train look like a big doobie for that one. Like, you know, in Japan, you get them train. that they might look like other things. Oh, yeah, look that. But yeah.

He'll have a big red end, and it'll be really small at the back and impractical. I don't even like doobies. I don't even like weed. I don't know. I think I'm just going because I like the city.

Yeah, that's the only thing it's known for. Saddell, you heard of Air Force. Saddell Patel from the telly and the Hollywood movies. Weed sex workers. Do you know what? How he spends his own money. It's his own.

It's up to him. And wean in a canal. And wean in a canal. We're on a bike, he's just thrown into a canal. My mate, just on this, my mate, he was to work at, it was to work at Vodka Revolution when he was in his, oh, Bradford, so he was in his 20s. And, like, I did one night glass collecting there and hated it,

but he went mad there for a bit and stayed there. You know, like, when you work in a bar and it takes over your life, and basically you're working all night, then you're drinking after your shift, then you're going home when you're having a drink. you're not going to bed till like three, four, at morning. So you did that. And apparently he told me once on an AGM,

you know, like they put on a big event where in Manchester was similar, where everyone went to this big party. He got 400, I can't understand this. He got 400 quid at cash machine or whatever. And just like, pissed to let it all go into Manchester Canal.

What? What? Yeah, like, that's like the maddest story I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, because it's, I don't know what context there is that makes it, make sense. I might be missing a crucial bit of information, but I don't know what it can be. On purpose? I don't know. I need to check. Yeah. Get back to us on that. Yeah. Mad.

Who would these people? Do you know where he like a lot of his behaviour over time has been sort of like, that's just what happened, you know what I mean? But now when you study it again, you're like, he's an absolute maniac. I'm worried that I'd be as if we did get that CEC sponsorship. Yeah. No, honestly, smashing. grab. We can't have anything in the cases. We can't have anything in the cases, but we can have 11 minutes in there. Grab what we want. That's the form. Yeah, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what form the sponsorship takes. Yeah, but guys, come on, everything on the shelves doesn't have a disc in it. He means not behind the cabinets, not the, not the full consoles. I mean that things in the,

what we can't have is the, but what we can do is take as many things as we want off the shelves. it should be even less. Maybe it should be four minutes where we can get what we want. Four minutes and we can have stuff from the cabinets if we can get into them. I guarantee you within four minutes I could scoop every case of

DVD or game into a bag. Okay. 60 seconds. 60 seconds. This is interesting. Two floors. Two floors. 60 seconds to get, but I'm going straight PlayStation 5, rucksack. I'm just cuddling around looking for the 3DS. I've lost my mind.

Go for Nintendo Switch because they don't Nintendo priced the games in a way where they will not lose value they retain their wealth retain their wealth that gold

I'll go for all the copies of Matrix Reloaded as well my mate Sam who did the music for the pocket he actually become obsessed so he's just got

about a hundred copies of the Matrix reloaded I was in his office yeah well I saw two of them is he just collecting yeah he's got a big

big old just DVDs Or has he got like the UMD of it? Is there a UMD? Don't get him started on UMDs. I think it's an addiction that he managed to break, you know? Remember guys, remember to buy the steel book of Toxic Avenger when it comes on. Will do.

Will you sign it? If you buy, God, is that good? That, the steel book won't be out. It won't be a steel book. It'll be a mop bucket. The next time, if we do a live show after it's come out on David, he'll sign it. We'll all sign it. Yeah.

I'm going to see if it is. When is it out? Okay, no, sorry. No, no, no. I've had a look. It's not, I think they, I'm guessing it'll be on home release. I mean, within the hour, really. It had a limited theatrical, I ain't going to see it yet.

It's in. Oh, you can pre-order it, a steel book. I might do that. I'm going to buy it. I just can't quite get to Newcastle. If I downloaded it onto a thumb drive, could you fit your signature on that? Yeah, no problem. Don't take money out of his pocket.

it. Well, I've been paid. What about the best boy? If someone's got to think of the grip. Have you got any, any, any, any titbits, any tidbits, like? I haven't seen it. But what about the making of it? You had, didn't you, you had a vape under a silver salver or something? Didn't you get a special license to vape?

Licensed to vape? When you were making it. No, that was, that was when I was in Prague for 10 days, stuck in a hotel. Where was this then? This was Sophia in Bulgaria. Yeah, so I had to pay the receptionist to buy me some cigarettes because I wasn't allowed out for five days for COVID. Should we do some letters?

Do you want a letter? Just to wrap up? Quickly, just a couple at the top. There's a couple of short ones. Yeah, read it. Oh, okay, let's do the first one at the top here. Okay, this letter is from Laura. Hello, Laura.

Laura says, hi boys, you asked on your last podcast for letters. was the first person to ever email in, thought I'd say, hey, again. Was Laura the first person? That was that first email? Oh, great. I believe her. I believe Laura. Nice to hear from you.

Also, we asked for that, asked for more letters a very long time ago. It just goes to show the backlog. Yes. Let's go for the letters. Thank you for sending pitch stuff in, everyone. We are getting through them. Laura says, I'm coming to see you in Manchester with my friend. We're very excited.

I went to see the lawmen last October in Manchester. Oh, yes. And I was too shy to say hello. but that was because I'd had two massive glasses of wine pre-mid-day. And I thought I really should be on my best behaviour to meet Alistair. I would as also there. Yeah, but Alistair gives off the tone of your cat of two glasses of wine and talk. Headmaster vibe, isn't it?

Headmaster. You give her, you get it. A producer that's wandered on stage. Hit him with the cup. Laura continues, that doesn't concern me with you three, but... That doesn't concern me with you three, but maybe I'll stick to Shandy, or I'll be inviting myself to James's DILF Day Out. I think the

DILS are letting me down at the minute. I've got they're backing out. They're back peddling. Okay, well, bins, black for rubbish, Grafer, recycling, green for garden waste. Internet speeds, can't be asked. All the best boys, Laura. Fair enough. Nice. Do need your internet speed, though, Laura, please.

The great thing about us is you can come and just talk to us because we're very approachable, you know. Yeah. Not before the show. No, before the show. Before the show, me and Chris, we're tense in our own ways. I'm pacing like a bull in a ring. Do you know what I mean?

Ready. You're looking for a MacBook that's behind you. Here we go. Let's just get for, I can't be going into planning the November show. The spectacle that is the November show, if I keep being reminded of the time I lost my laptop and it was one foot away from me. but that's not fair thank you

we'll see you in Manchester thank you for coming tickets are selling quite fast so snap them up if you're thinking I don't know whether I should go

do come why wouldn't you come if you were in Manchester anyway I don't get it just come down fucking do you know

I mean we've got another one to know oh you want any other letter I think we do yeah sorry let me open up the page again

okay okay there's another letter it's from Charlie hello Charlie now Charlie says lads I've been repeatedly told off by my younger friends for sounding angry

by daring to be grammatically correct and using Gen X full stops at the end of my messages. As an actual Gen X, my response has always been, fuck off you millennial dwebes. As an ADHD here, Chris, just get a diagnosis and tablets, mate. Your friends with active calendar skills will thank you, and that's from Charlie Brackett She Hears, Berlin, Germany. Thank you, Charlie. ADHD, it's still, this isn't,

Do you know what I mean? That's an allegation that has not been proven. In terms of grammar, I too am unable to let go. I can't write badly. Yeah, but I think full stops in a text is slightly aggressive. At the end, do you go for the ellipsis? The doodot. My fathering law does the ellipsis.

He does the ellipsis at the end of every sentence. It's like his Richard Osman writing a mystery. Do you know what I mean? He's just like, will you pick me up? Dot, dot, dot, dot. You know what I mean? Like that? Like, don't put the dot, dot, dot, dot.

It really does, it really does push for a response, though, doesn't it? But that put me on edge when you said, will you pick me up, dot, dot, dot, dot. I've got to reply to him right now. It does, that's sensible from here. But he's like, hello, dot, dot, dot, dot. You know what I mean? Yeah, then you're like, I have to reply immediately. Well, I'm waiting for their next thing.

But that means they're waiting for you to respond immediately. It feels like the dot, dot, dot, when someone's typing and you're, you know. Oh. Oh, I just think they're just, yeah, I'm just like, what are you going to say next then? Dot, dot, dot, dot makes me feel guilty for not replying immediately. Interesting. But I would say I spend a lot of time like editing stuff when I put it out and I made a mistake rather than just letting it be mad and shit. You're one of the people, which listeners won't be surprised to hear, that does one sentence per message, sometimes less.

this is important this is like that a tat tat you know what I mean I did that to you earlier I sent you some messages earlier Chris didn't I that was one at a time yeah we always talk like that

because it's just like let's get it out stream of consciousness I don't overthink it phones have a thing like if you have it on silent mode where it all like if you send one message

it won't alert you but if someone's sending like three or four messages it's like yeah someone's bad's gone something bad's happening something bad has happened you ignoring me

Is that something phones do? I always thought they just alert you. I think there's a way, maybe it's just if someone rings twice within 10 minutes. That's how Chris is bypass. Oh yeah, the ringing twice within 10 minutes is, yeah, gets past.

Everyone knows that's an emergency, even technology. I don't do that. I have a friend who 10 years younger than me about, so that makes it. I tell you, it's a Tom Lawrenson comedian for Manchester. and I rang him unprompted and he was rattled by it. Yeah, you shouldn't do that. Do you know what I mean?

He was like, what's going on? You know what I mean? Like that? And you're like, I'm just ringing you. What were you ringing for? I can't remember it, but it'd have been urgent. I'm sure it'd have been urgent. Urgent to you.

Yeah. And I like that. I like as well, I'm a big fan of a little voice note. I'm making a little podcast directly for your ears. I get to take a breath. I get to have a think about the best way to articulate someone. That's good. That is nice.

You do do it for edit notes for this podcast, which I think is cruel and unusual. James, I very, the only time I've done that, I send you written out, time stamped, they're formatted in the same way. I've got my own formatting system. That's nice. That is nice. I did voice notes for edit notes when I was one. We were up against a deadline

and I was bombing up the M6. That was, yeah. Are you doing voice notes while you're driving? And that has been verbal concerns. Hey, Bixby, take this note. Yeah, yeah. I'm talking to Gemini.

Gemini, please don't make me breach the law. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns. Just a reminder, you can get tickets to our last live show of the year. It's on Saturday the 22nd of November at Fairfield Social Club in Manchester. Tickets for that show are in the notes. It's a lovely venue. You must come. You can also listen to for the next few weeks.

Ickwick FM is on BBC Radio 4 Saturday nights at 11 people. And you can also listen to the whole thing right now on BBC Sounds. But the best way to support us is by becoming a rural concerns, Patreon. For a small donation, you'll not only be supporting an independent podcast, and by independent, that means we have the power to just put a, come get me out there for CEX to get us in as brand ambassadors, but also... Well, also you get weekly bonus episodes and stick around for a sneaky peek after the credits.

Peek with your ears. Artwork, it's done by Poppy Hillstead. Oh my God, I can't believe she did it for us. Music, Sam O'Leary. He didn't want to do it, but he did it anyway because I said that if he didn't do it, I'd jump out of a window, don't worry about it. I never intended to do it.

But he did it, so fair enough. Legal due diligence is why we retain a lawyer called Calderick who lives in Hollywood. So, yeah, it checks out. everything that we're saying, it's fine. That's a different legal system to hear, though, isn't it? He says it doesn't matter. He said it doesn't matter.

He's full of statutes. He reads all the statutes. Is it? Yeah, all right. Statues. Are you saying statues? Yeah, like, he's read the statues. He's read that one near Victoria, you know,

that's like loads of horses on an arch. He's read the... Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Cannon MX-475 Burrows, and it's produced by Egg Mountain for a lovely time productions. Jim, have you washed it? You've had a little shower? Yes. I've got a leave-in conditioner

and I'd like you to leave it out. That's interesting. Me and him don't use shampoo or conditioner. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're getting tarred with a pretty stinky brush there, Senil. Listen to me. I use conditioner three times a week now. I don't use any product in my hair

because you told me not to use product. I use natural conditioner. 10 years I've got a mucky head Yeah I only just started But I've got a fine hair now I'm an old man It's going There's a spot there

And none of those pills Will make any difference That's because they're for your dick Oh Sorry I like that It's a late night recording It's lewd

Yeah but people listen to this In the daytime They don't need this Yeah They could be listening to this At a kid's playground Yeah On a JBL speaker

On a bus I'll do the phone up, full speaker out. Bong. Like that.