Rural Concerns - Cuckoos, garlic vape & Chris’ manifesto

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

Sunil reveals his love for the television series Entourage, Producer James talks about deviant European toilets and Chris wishes his son well. The lads also consider what it takes to keep a museum open in this economy and discuss a letter from a man who smells. Heading to the Edinburgh Fringe? You can grab your tickets to see Chris’ show and touch Greyfriars Bobby’s cheeky little nose! You can now support Rural Concerns via Patreon. For less than the price of a pint, you’ll get bonus episodes once a fortnight and access to The Creamery, our Discord hangout. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns! Our music is by Sam O’Leary and our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Warning: if you don’t like 3 old mates having a good laugh then this isn’t the podcast for you!

Welcome to World Concerns, a premium podcast for fans of gaussier, internet speed tests, and just three old mates having a real good laugh that's me having a good old laugh run it shall i sort of do a shall i do a dynamic intro to start a conversation i just did it i just said all our names and i said this is it i was gonna go in hard like that we don't normally say our names at the beginning i was thinking that we should probably you well you two should say your names all right just just nicknames man silvani they got the exiled goblin prince exiled goblin prince yeah me wally balls and egg mountain what did you say wally balls okay because you've got

silly balls it was a name it was a login i used for my spotify I first got it years ago, and I can't get rid of it now. Yeah, they won't let you change it, will they? I've got one that I don't want, ideally. Embarrassingly, it's a character from Entourage. Oh, no. I never watched that show, but it looks like the most beta show. Oh, I loved it when it was out. And I look back and I'm like, this is just appalling.

This is appalling this is appalling stuff what we haven't done for a long time is a chris friend update okay last this is a follow-up from the this is quite a short update but my friend the plumber who i got into look at a leaky bath can you have you asked him if you can call him your friend well the bath has started leaking again so i don't think he can be my friend. That's exactly what a friend would do if they were a plumber. They'd just fuck it up. Yeah, exactly.

Because he wants to come back and spend time with me. Do you at least get mates rates? Or is that? No, but I watched a TikToker talking about it. You know, TikToker is absolutely riddled with tradesmen who are like influencers. You know, like maybe it's my age, but it's guys doing grouting, power washing, decking, building decking and stuff like that.

And I saw a builder and he was, I won't lie, he was from Liverpool and he was absolutely terrifying. But he was saying that mate's rate doesn't mean getting it for cheap. What mates rates should mean is basically these guys are all so busy that mates rates is them dropping what they're doing to come to you to sort your thing out. That's what he says mates rates is. That's what he's saying.

Rather than be trying to get stuff at a discount, the favour of a tradesman is they are busy they are stopping what they are doing to come and fix your thing above above a big list of people so rather than trying to like get it cheap that is the benefit you are getting and i saw it and i thought he was a scary man but i was like there's something in that give it a different name then which is a way of saying i've been spending a lot of money recently a whole lot of money um on friends on friends it really is mates rates for you actually isn't it in a way yeah it is it's like the rate that it costs to be my friend so he's what he's fucked up your bar i don't know my entire i don't think anyone's done any but it's the leak has started again but my entire bathroom

is like some the guy someone that used to live here has done it themselves and they are mad we found out that our bedroom lights you know like um they're wired with speaker cables you know like rather than a proper wire oh wow we've got to fix that. But the kitchen extension was all done by them, we believe. So there's so much mad wiring. Also, there's a wall of brick, of white brick, yeah? When you get closer to the wall, you notice that it isn't actually white brick. It's like little off cuts of wood, random sizes that is glued to the wall and spray painted white. It's like a madman's house.

And also there's something wrong with the electricity because our electrician, it should be dead. Like the board, basically there's a live wire coming out of the kitchen when everything would turned off. So you're like, that's bad. From what I understand,

I'm no electrical genius, but the general vibe was that should not be happening because you could die is this anything to do with witches or anything i think it's to do with the mindset of the sort of person that would be into witchcraft you know it's in we'll let the spirits we'll let the spirits get some crystals in. If you follow that wire back, does it go to the lamppost outside? Were they just robbing electricity off the lamppost? Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised. Apparently, we've got a very meaty,

you know, like the cable that brings electricity into the house. Apparently, that is like industrial grade. And I don't know what that is, but I felt proud. I felt excited. If you follow that cable back, does it go to a box full of dogs fucking is it industrial grade electrical cable i don't know some birds some birds have been nesting there so i can't get in but i've thing. Like we've got, our bathroom is attached to our kitchen, which is not something we can do anything about.

I think it's illegal. What do you mean it's illegal? Two doors. You've got to have two doors between somewhere where food is prepared and a shitter. Oh, there's lots of old Victorian places that still have kitchens next to bathrooms,

isn't there? Yeah, we had as well. It's very embarrassing. It is. We've had to cook. We've there? Yeah, we had it as well. It's very embarrassing. It is. We've had to cut. We haven't got a bathroom. We've got a toilet on its own.

Pop out from a shit and ask for a cup of tea. We've had to put in rules about the sort of stuff you can do where, you know. Sort of stuff you can do where, yeah. How many working bathrooms have you got in your house now? Well, one, but we've got a toilet on its own in the middle floor. Great. Perfect. Perfect.

In a room? In a room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For now. What do you knock the walls down around it? Have a toilet in the middle of a room. Like school, you know when you're going on a school trip and there'd be one room that just had like a dorm

that just had a toilet in it. We went on one and it was like seven beds and a toilet with a three foot high wall around it. So you can keep an eye for intruders. That sounds very European, doesn't it? That sounds like a European thing that culturally we can't get our head around. Oh yeah, like I've stayed in a place in Germany that had like frosted glass. One of them head around you know like oh yeah like i've been stayed in a place in germany that had like frosted glass one of them you know the big yeah i know square glass wall brick thing that's in austria as well hotels seem to have a toilet with a window looking out

into the bed which on a work trip not cool yeah there's no thing is as well as a parent the toilet is my only time that's truly mine in a day and i have it better than my wife you know because she can't even my son's just like he won't he's like knock knock knock what are we doing with this thing you know i'm not knocking on the door and you're like just give her 30 seconds where he's less fussed about me but with her he's just like we need to be just talking constantly mum what's going on like I don't know the thing is you try to enjoy it

because you know time's coming in the not too that far away future where he can't really be arsed with us at all and then the next time we'll hear from him is when he's 29

and he's having a baby he's like I need to sort this childcare out you know I'll be his cool uncle that'll set him straight though yeah you'll be

do you know what I mean I'll get him into crypto and STD tests yeah anyway don't be smoking and then you'll make him you're like in a cartoon make him smoke all the packs but uh so he's definitely cool he's good he's a good lad i just wish him i'd just you know come back to us wish him the best wish him the best good lad wish him the best i had a question for sonal i was thinking about this today because you're my vape consultant yes brother are they any like do they do gross flavors because i smell somebody had like a really nice cinnamon bun one yeah they do a lot of mixed flavors they do like

bin juice wow interesting like actually. Do you know what? I'm going to actually Google it. Like hot gravel. Disgusting vape. Maybe they'll do them as a... But do they do savoury ones? Yeah. Milk, crab legs, garlic, bacon, butter, butter vape, blue cheese, lemon.

Blue cheese, lemon? Those are the worst vape flavours from sources around the web. Garlic seems silly. That seems... We're starving. Fucking hell. Mustard gas, giving Grandad a flashback. We've been contacted multiple times by people where you get a weed vape from.

You know, they send polite emails. They're so polite. They really put a lot of effort into getting to what the crux of the email which is, where can we get weed vapes from? Do you know what I mean? They're like, we love this podcast. This is so great. P.S., if I were in the market for a weed vape,

where would you sort of get that bad thing from? It's so much more available nowadays than it's ever been like you can the people sell it on websites you can't be

bothered with this I mean I'm assuming I don't know I have no idea no I

don't I'm out I'm out of the game tuna flavoured e-liquid Worcester sauce nacho cheese

all right yeah question answered hopefully yeah yes there are oh yeah for god's sake someone's forgotten about the widget Yeah, question answered, hopefully. Yeah, yes, there are. Oh! Oh, for God's sake.

Someone's forgotten about the widget. The widget! I just thought it'd be really cool and have a drink kind of Friday night record. No, it is really cool, man, that you're having a drink. What are you doing? That's a Guinness, though. Why are you pouring it out like that?

I'm pouring it properly. Oh, you are? Well, that's... You poured a full pint in less than two seconds that that looks right doesn't it that's that's that's what

they say they're like make sure it's 99% head and just a little black line at the bottom that's how they pull it that's how they do it at the Toucan in London oh you can't go

wrong with it have you been to um have you been to Guinness Factory in Dublin? No, I went to the Jamesons instead. It's very cool. The mind-boggling thing about it to me is it's so big, but the Guinness family signed a 9,000-year lease to keep, you know, like they pay a penny or something like that,

or a quid or a grota or something to keep. That land. For the land, basically, so they're living on that land. And it's such a massive bit of Dublin as well. It's such an impressive ancient building. It's like, look, the thing's built like a fortress and they've got it for 9,000 years in the city centre of Dublin, one of the most expensive cities in the world.

How many years left on that lease though? Well, like 8,000 odd or something like that. When did Guinness start then? What, 1800s or something? 1776 or something. Was that America? Yeah. Well, Alexander Hamilton.

No, Christopher Columbus. But that struck me as impressive anyway. It felt like gangster business, didn't it? What are you eating, Sonal? God,

frosted shreddies but not enough milk so it's like really soaked it all up and turned into a lumpy mass. That's what you need at this time of night, isn't it,

no? We were talking, what's your go-to pret? Chicken and bacon Caesar. Chris? He wishes. He wishes he had a pret. I do,

I do. It's the same thing I've had for years. Like I lock in, you know, I've had the same Subway sandwich since I started going. I've had the same Pret a Manger since I started going, which is the artisan pickle, cheese and pickle. You know, I don't know why.

I think I used to get it, you know, they used to be catered to office. It's not something I normally have. I'd never go for cheese and pickle, but when I used to work in an office in London, you used to get them for the lunches and they were always

my favourite, so it's what I've just had ever since. You're both wrong, but yeah. What's yours? Come on. It's a jam bomber.

I don't think they always do it though, do they? In every one. Oh, but yeah, but when they do. Jam, ham and butter. Ham and butter, yeah.

And a bit, it's got gherkins in it. Little, tiny little wallies. But what are we talking about? Is it a. And a bit, it's got gherkins in it. Little tiny little wallies. But what are we talking about? Is it a sandwich, a pastry? It's a roll. Roll.

It's a roll. So no one knows what I'm talking about. It's a roll. It's a little roll, yeah. It's basically a Sanam roll. It's a Sanam roll. It's very rustic, actually. It's what the serfs would have eaten a long time ago in France.

Yeah, if you could go to get that bloody bread line together. Well, I'll go. Oh, little cucumbers, aren't they? Nice one. Thanks, guys. Okay, I you could go to get that bloody bread line together. Well, I'll go. Oh, little cucumbers, aren't they? Nice one. Thanks, guys. Okay, I'm going to have one next time.

Well, if everyone's buying triple-chopped crunch, yeah, we're having a good time. Yeah, I had to keep it away from the kids. That should be illegal, that cereal.

There's only three portions in a box, anyway. If you do it right. Right. Do you want to hear about my bird exhibition? Yeah.

I went to a bird exhibition, an exhibition of different birds and what they do and stuff. It was at the Natural History Museum. Can you give us your highlights? Highlight was, for me, an albatross chick, which looks like a big fluffy pillow, and also the cuckoo lays its eggs in another bird's nest. When that hatches, it pushes all the other birds out, which is pretty fucking cool. Yeah, I like that a lot that i can't i that's the only thing i've done in london in the last month i'm sorry that's all i've got well they they weren't real birds no it's natural history

museum so they're all stuffed aren't they you don't realize the full horror of it until people tell you afterwards what do you mean of what birds well i mean you're like oh yeah i just saw like some of the rarest birds on earth captured and stuffed. Did they have a dodo? No, no one ever got that one, did they? They do. They have a dodo, but it's behind, you know, like one of those tapered entrances that you get over sex shops. Tapered entrance? I don't think tapered means what you think it means, Chris. They've got the, over the entrance, they've got've got the you know like a sex shop string curtain and you can go in and you can see the dodo

they've got a beaded curtain for the dodo and for 100 quid you can fuck it 13 grand a year for upkeep i bet there's loads of you know like these museums are so desperate to stay open and they're not allowed to take oil money anymore, which is completely unfair. There's a lot of tackler wings about, they shouldn't be still be about. But I bet there's loads of mad deals like this going on, you know, with eccentric billionaires and like some some guy from singapore that's a tech investor or something like that he's like yeah i'll give you three million a year but i want access to all the suits of armor i thought you're gonna say something far worse yes well he's not said what what he's doing in those suits of armor yeah i suppose and fucking the dada there's a private

not well there's a museum inside the grounds of guys hospital which is just open to medical students or people who work there and because i used to work there years ago you go in and it's like one of those victorian museums which is like beautiful tier like three levels of body parts and jars amazing looks like samples of like strange weird like there's what the best one is that i remember the only one i remember now really is um the it's just the face of a guy who shot himself in the face that's every bit to that place i think it's shot actually in a minute the hunterian museum no i've heard of that yeah yeah that's very similar it's samples but i think it's been shot indefinitely at the minute because some of the samples you know like babies and stuff that were taken without consent like in the 1800s early 1900s so like obviously looking at all that stuff

again i'm like yeah that is fucked so yeah it's been sort of shut down and considered but there's loads of really interesting stuff in there it's like macabre a lot of it but it's cool yeah that's yeah definitely but it's got it's also actually this one the one i went to in guys hospital is it's also got the a guy who volunteered to have his body mummified so he's in there and this was like you know 20 years ago for that i remember i'd love to do something like that i remember once i said that i wanted to you know like be turned that thing where you can can be, when you die, your ashes can be compressed. Oh yeah, turn into a diamond.

And turned into a diamond. And I was saying it to my friend Zach and he said that if I did that, he'd get me put onto a cock ring and wear me about. I don't think you should put a diamond on a cock ring. I'm going to go out there and say it. It's definitely one of the big motivators behind me getting into exercise and stuff because I need to outlive him at this stage, you know. But you can do that thing where you do it.

You know, in America, they've got these body farms. This is like research facilities. I don't know how many there are. I don't know whether there's millions or one. But don't be sighing when i don't even finish a sentence so this is they're basically like fbi funded research facilities where oh yeah no no no this is true in science it's like the matrix the matrix is actually real life it It's CIA funded. But it's basically like bodies out in the wilderness, in the woods. And it's basically, it's where they monitor. People donate themselves to it.

And it's where they monitor what bodies decay at, rates, different situations. You know, like they've got a couple of them stuffed in a barrel. What does that look like over six months, a year? As if they don't already know. No, but there's probably always stuff to do, stuff to tweak, different people, different ages, different conditions. So when you stumble upon a body in a police case where it's been in New York City and it's been there for,

oh, that looks like that one from that research farm. So we can guess that he's been there for six weeks and that's why yeah and that's why his body started producing yeast or something like that i don't know yeah yeah that's science though isn't it that is science you know what i mean that's like it's good to have a bit of science into it as a break it's good to have a bit like we've had ai good to have a bit of science you'd have thought that would just be part of medical research though wouldn't you rather than fbi body farm it feels like it could be fbi i thought you're gonna say area 51 at one point this is this is so favorable area 51 it's area 52 do you know oh yeah yeah my father-in-law's got that it kicked off when we had some birthday cake the other day

because he's like it goes to his phone it tells it's a blood sugar center in it yeah so i'm gonna get it day one gonna try and do a whole box of triple chocolate crunch see what happens use that as a baseline because because also he's an older gentleman he can't put his phone on silent. Oh what? So if he has birthday cake his phone goes off? His phone's beeping because his blood sugar's spiking.

Imagine he'll get one for like blood pressure that'll be kicking off because his phone's beeping all the time. But these old boys they're all bloody

high blood pressure exploding everywhere and not one of them in just like oh someone's gonna someone's gonna get you in it and you're like yeah absolutely cutting down tinnies and chocolate and you're like yeah you could maybe cut down on one of them but i had i had a health test um i think it was last year i look for like a like a few months before that i'd seen a tweet or something saying people need to calm down we're talking about drinking water all the time there's water and food you don't need to drink as much just listen to your body you know so I started like calling

everyone I knew who had a water bottle like a fucking pussy and stuff like that and then I went to this health test and they tried to take my blood but it was it was it was solidified in my body and they were like it's not coming out have you had any water and I was my body and they were like, it's not coming out. Have you had any water? And I was like, no. And they're like, you need about five litres immediately. I did get a nice bit of feedback about this podcast saying that at no point do we ever edit out something that we're talking about editing out on the podcast. And I didn't realise that was the case. But the thing is that we do. So imagine the stuff, imagine the stuff that we do take out.

Well, you don't need to imagine. You can join the Patreon. Well, there was one. I slagged off a celebrity and got the panics, didn't I? So I was like, you have to take that out. It's mostly slander. And there was a big diatribe where I had to ask if it comes across as racist.

But we decided it wasn't. It was cool. Oh, and when you tried to start a gang war with a bike again. I tried to start a gang war with a bike again. And when you doxxed that 18-year-old. I've got an update for you two about the gin monster. Here we go. Just a mini one.

So, listener, if you're not familiar, basically someone has been littering on the perimeter of my village for ages, throwing out gin cans, which they're drinking, we believe, in the case and just sort of long-term commitment, a team of local villagers have managed to find out, we know this guy, we don't know his name, but we know what car he drives down, we've got his license plate, we know where he works. So we've got lots of information, we've left it at that. We've tried contacting the police, everyone in the group's like, surely the police can help and i just sit quiet

because i'm like police aren't gonna help this is we the only person that can help us of us and they basically offered up a catch-22 site scenario where it's like we can arrest him if we catch him drunk but we won't come out unless we know that he's driving drunk at that moment. Do you know what I mean? Something that we can't prove. But the group has expanded. We've got an extra person now, and that extra person has plugged in a jigsaw gap that there's an entire other village that are looking for the same guy.

Another parish council. We've been sent their Facebook details. Sorry, same thing he's doing there, gincans? Gincans. In a different village nearby, which would explain why we don't get them every day. He's got like, he's got a couple of, he's got preferred roads.

So they've been trying to find out who this guy is. And they're basically going to reach out to us in this next week to talk through what they know and we're going to compare notes. Are you, it basically going to reach out to us in this next week to talk through what they know. And we're going to compare notes. Are you, are you, it's going to be like a CIA FBI thing though.

Are they going to just like come in there and take over your, your job? I don't know, but we've got more stuff. I believe as in we've got a lot of information and the other, the recent development is he's failed his MOT. So if we catch him driving around with this car, which has failed its MOT,

I think we've got a real thing there that we can use to hang him from the highest branch in the village. You all right, James? I just have a few questions about the MOT. What's he failed on? And is he going to pull them out? I don't know. Bear with me one second.

I'll bring it up in the group. We're basically put, you know, you could pull it off the government. If it's something like tread depth on the tyre, then he'll sort that out

and he'll be back on the road. Yeah, but it's been a week and it's still not sorted. Are they not worried about the fact he's drinking gin in his car? Yeah, is he not failed his MOT

for too many gin cans? Yeah, but they won't come out. What do you want us to do? We've wanted, we've told them, but basically there's lots of people, there's a school governor in this group. So we're basically through the school governor's thing. She's like, I'm concerned about this.

Talking to the community support officer, liaison or whatever it is. So we're basically going through every, we're going through every single like avenue. Just basically, I think with things like this, you just have to make yourself an annoyance don't you that's the only way things get done by not going away it's quite strange because like you've got like obviously by by any by you know compared to how things are in the city you kind of have your life's fine everything's fine but you get a lot of authorities involved for the smallest things whereas here like you know i i've been robbed.

I've had police around, had the council around the other day asking, and then she just said, I'm just coming around to see if there's any issues with where, you know, and I was like, no, everything's fine. And it's obviously not, but you know, you just don't, you just crack on with it here. Whereas there in the countryside, things like that happen and it really sticks out like a sore thumb.

Yes. I believe there's a lot of stuff that we that you you know like with the cctv cameras going up that you would just take as given whereas with us we all notice it and we talk and we're like i don't i found that bit very interesting because it is you know like the invasion of civil liberties and stuff like this whereas in the city i lived in the city all my life and never batted an eyelid at that sort of stuff but in this environment when there's other people you do discuss it and it does open up. Is this right? Is this fine? Can we murder somebody for throwing gins and it's totally illegal? I don't know. These are hypothetical questions.

You're in the wilds and the law doesn't really reach that far sometimes. But I think in a world where my personal belief in life is, right, we live in a world where just for whatever reason, incompetency and self-interest has been allowed to reign for better half of a century. Do what you want, fuck everyone else. And that is unacceptable and there has to be a line in the sand. So I, a long time ago,

stopped really having faith in public institutions. And I think if you want to change anything in this world, you draw the line in the sand and you do it if you can. And sometimes that involves like ignoring the official channels. Please don't say you're buying a gun. I'm not buying a gun. This is not a libertarian thing, but it's like,

there's potholes on the ground. Film yourself. Like, come on, James. Come on, James. Come on, James. Join our gang. Join our gang. We've got guns.

Draw a cock and balls around them. That seems to work. Oh, does it? Yeah, it does. Yeah. Oh, that's very good. That's a very clever idea. It works as well. He's kind of famous. I, that's very good. That's a very clever idea. It works as well.

He's kind of famous. I think he's called Wang Tse. Oh, that's so clever and so simple. That's exactly the sort of thing where he's not filling him himself, per se, but he's taking direct action that he's resulting in a result. And basically you can't trust anyone to do the right thing anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People, you know, institutions aren't watching all the time

for things to go wrong. It relies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People, you know, institutions aren't watching all the time for things to go wrong. It relies on us to actually report things. But that's the change that I would like to see in the UK is to create an environment where incompetence is no longer tolerated. Because I, like, we have, we, like, as mad as it is, like, we're stupid, silly men men but we are self-employed and we do like we do dance for the money that we're paid and dance to eat and whenever i am running with

people who work predominantly in you know like a p-a-y-e office environment it blows my mind just a lack of like ineptitude and incompetence so now it it's just like, I don't know, just like I think self-employed people should probably run the world. I feel sorry for the no context mobile concerts. Account, social media account, trying to get that manifesto into a social media tile. We can copy and paste it from Reform's website. I don't think they do stuff from the bonus episode either.

Oh, right. This is not the bonus episode. This is the main episode. Chris's Manifesto. Chris, how's your prep for Edinburgh going? Are you excited? I was getting really excited, you know. We're getting into the crucial juncture. I'm nearly there.

The show's done. It's like I'm fine-tuning, I'm tinkering now. But, yeah, I did a preview in Darlington, and you're just like, oh, fuck me, I want to shoot myself with a gun. Do you know what I mean? Just, you know, the sort of preview where it's dads, 50-year-old dads, polo necks, spiky hair, you know, like that sort of thing.

And you're like, what am I doing? I've never seen that vibe. But okay, it's not good. Polo necks and spiky hair. Do you know, just like gelled, a bit of gelled hair. Oh, right, right. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant like fully spiked up. A bit of gelled hair, a polo neck and spiky hair. Do you know, just like gelled, a bit of gelled hair. Oh, right, right. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant like fully spiked up.

A bit of gelled hair, a polo neck shirt with a collar flicked up, arms folded. Sorry, I thought you said, yeah, yeah, I get it now. I was like, what? A black polo neck and spiked up hair. Avant-garde, French turn of the century surrealists ruining my previews. Okay, you're just talking dads.

It's going well, but we're just at a crucial juncture. So I'm just sort of like trying to learn it now, oscillating between, yeah, this is good, and have I said or done anything funny in my entire life? But that's the Edinburgh Fringe process. Yeah. What happened in this preview? Was it silence or anger?

No, it was fine. It was just, I'll tell you what, like it was in Darlington. I've just done two shows in Darlington recently and I've just,

I've committed to never going back. No offense to the people from Darlington, but you are not worthy of culture to be coming to. No, it was fine.

I'll tell you what it is. I'm, I am pissing I tell you what it is. I'm, I am pissing about now. The show is done. The thing that I need to do now is make it not be words and bullet points on a page and make it be in my head because I'm moving stuff around, you know, like a fucking madman trying to move the seats around on the Titanic.

You do that a lot. And we noticed that with the document for this podcast, every, every episode, but yeah, once you learn it, it's going to be really fun to do, isn't it? The show. Yeah. It's that bit of making it not words that you're basically ticking off and remember when you're not searching for it in your brain and it's there and then you're performing it with oomph and having a laugh. The only way forward now is having a laugh and i won't apologize for tinkering around in the document

because i if i the day i stopped tinkering with this word document i'm dead do you know what i mean you're okay so when you stop tinkering will that's when you're dead when you're dead that's if i ever stop tinkering i'm dead that's it that's it that's the only time i'm ever stopping tinkering i'll be tinkering right up until the finish line. That is the promise. I won't accept things. I will not accept things just to be standard. It's what the management principle of,

what is it? Kaizen? That's what I was going to say. I think he learned that off me. Shout out Toyota. What's it called? Where's it on? What time is it on? you sound as enthusiastic as the

british comedy press what is it when is it oh god we might come easily swayed it's on at 12 10 every day monkey barrel the tron apart from the 12th and the 13th it's gonna be a great time it's getting to the point where i'm getting sad about the idea because it overlaps with a six week holiday. So I'm now, you know, cuddling my son a lot. I'm getting preoccupied with the idea of being away from him for the best part of a month. But at the same time, you know, I can't wait. Is it going to be live streamed or anything yeah it is it's going to be on next up uh comedy recorded on the 15th released in their like edinburgh fringe show run soon after that i don't know specifically when so you will be able to get it online

and i will be doing a tour but it's too early to announce that. So that's exciting. I've got a holiday book to take with me. It's not a holiday. I'm working. I am working. It's an hour a day. It's proper work. Right. That is somebody that doesn't necessarily understand that.

It is. It's an hour a day and a load of tinkering on a Word document to prove you're not dead. It's getting up at 6am, tinkering, in a panic, learning, but then the show's done, but then it's talking to people.

After the show, it's an hour of signing tits out. That's the only reason. That is the only reason I do it. Can we go to the Botanic Gardens again, please? We had a good time there, didn't we? We had a bloody good time there. Those lovely plants. We did uh some gigs which weren't my favorite gigs that i've ever done in my life it was a fun it was a fun weekend it was all right i have a good time at these gigs

but there's definitely a type of gig with the guys doing cocaine being thrown out where i suddenly realized that a lot of my material is quite oh this is quite a whimsical take on the sort of complex nature of mortality and you're like it's not necessarily chris's opener is about his mom sucking cocks in hell so let's you know that's for that's fine and she thinks it's fine too so my poor mom my poor mom should we read a letter yeah but quickly can you just tell me about what power bank you've purchased for the month yeah Yeah, I have. On your recommendation, I've actually got... Prime day? Prime day deals? Did you manage? I got a prime day deal. So I got the Anker one that you suggested, but I got the one with the

cable built in because in prime day, it was taken down to 26 pounds. That's lovely money. Yeah. So I've got that done. I haven't had a power bank. I've never had a power bank and it feels insane for somebody. Excuse me? Yeah, I know. Somebody who spends a disproportionate amount of his time out and about. And you did it on our affiliate link?

Yeah. So you'll be getting, you'll be getting 0.3 of a penny off that like you did. I'll be getting money for every purchase you make for 48 hours after that as well. Is that true? Is that what an affiliate link does? That's how, that's why people love affiliate links. If you send them to the Amazon website,

any purchase they make for like a certain time period after that, they get a call. Can we legit set up an affiliate link? Yeah. Let's do it. Is that how you monetize a podcast? It don't feel right. Not really.

Right. Anyway. Yeah. So that's that. Come along, buy a ticket or don't feel right not really no right anyway yeah so that's that come along buy a ticket or don't that's fine i'll be there on the 11th i think so nobody there on the 11th and and i also i'm like i'm gearing up in my head now to the rural concerns debut live show it's happening it's inevitable and it that's inevitable. You can't avoid it. But the thing is, I mentioned us doing a live show in the Discord group. Everyone started sending me, you know, like their individual personal calendar commitments. Like I'm doing this and this and this, or in September and this weekend, I'm seeing this and this. And I was like, oh yeah, guys, guys, I can't decide what it is my entire schedule will be

dictated as always by sunhill's nationwide commitments it's four days a year i think we're getting ready i think do you know the plan is forming in my head i think we've got two halves i think the first half is chat letters letters, countryside issues, cultural highlights. I think you have an interval and then we do a countryside, a live action countryside simulator because everybody wants them. Everybody wants these books. Everyone, yep. Yeah.

No, they do. They do, yeah. I need to get one of them sound pad things, don't I, so I can play your sound effects. I'm just speaking on behalf of someone here, but whatever budget you feel, just spend it. Do you know what I mean? This is our full-time job now.

This is what we need to be properly equipped. We need to set up those affiliate links. We need to set up those affiliate links. There's a type of man, and I think I am that man, you know, thinks that they have an idea, and before they really figure it out, commit to it by spending loads of money. Do you know what I mean?

Do you recognize that type of man in your life? You know, like, I'm going to do this thing. I'm going to be a DJ and I bought like six, 700 pounds worth of equipment and then they get bored because they lose attention and stuff. I think I am that person.

That feels aimed at me though because I've got decks. Sonil, we are wrapping up the episode. That is too big of a thing to drop in in the last minute. We're going to come back to DJ Sonil Patel. Yeah, okay. Anyway, right.

What are we doing, a letter? Let's read a letter. Yeah, let's do a letter. I think that, yeah, this is definitely right up Chris's street. And this is from Sean. Thank you, Sean, for sending your letter in. Subject matter is help Chris.

All my clothes smell like shit. Okay. This is what Sean's written. Hello, Chris. Three months ago, I moved from East London to East Devon, and now all my clothes smell like shit. Every time I hang my washing out, the farmers spread shit on their fields.

I can hang them indoors with the windows closed, but they end up up reeking of damp as a relative veteran of the rural idyll do you have any advice and what smell is least offensive shit or damp warmest regards sean and the family the family the horrible smelly family oh god that's a that's a big one isn't it what do you think i mean i'd use fabric conditioner or something and just hope for the best. Tumble dryer as well. Obviously, I mean, that's a bigger commitment, isn't it? I think I find washing in particular to be very stressful because I get very distracted.

Do you know what I mean? I put the washing in, I set it going. I forget that I've washed something. Do you know what I mean? I need to start setting up alarms, but I don't. I wash it. If I do, then the drying up alarms, but I don't, I wash it. I, if I do,

then the drying takes too long. Cause I don't, we've got a tumble dryer now. And the American lady that we bought the house off, I bought a tumble dryer. I don't know how expensive and stuff, but mama mia, you know,

useful. Get a tumble dryer. It's expensive. It adds to your bills, but your clothes won't reek of shit, of shit. It is really worth it. Yeah.

But what about shrinkage? Are we not worried about that? There's a couple, there'll be a couple of clothes that you can't do in it and you don't want to put your, what's it, sege end jeans in there. But I'm terrified of tumble dryers because when I moved to London,

me and my friend Zach, when we lived together, we had a tumble dryer. We ran it morning, noon and night. Do you know what I mean? Empty just to keep, you just to keep the fire going. The cost of running the tumble dryer was insane. It shocked us. Absolutely shocked us.

And I've lived in fear of it ever since. Okay, well, Sean, don't worry about that. What you want to do is just get a free trial to Witch magazine. Have a look at their website and they'll rank them by cost per dry. And least offensive, shit or damp? In the countryside, if everything smells of shit anyway. Yeah, my feelings towards shit are very different

now. Almost a nostalgia. And that's a rural concerns. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns. If you enjoy listening to this show, then please consider supporting us on Patreon. For the price of a box of Marks & Spencer's Triple Chop Crunch, you can get fortnightly bonus episodes blog posts plus access to our online discord community the creamery which i still don't have access to i didn't even know there

were blog posts on there don't worry about the blog don't worry about the blog post i didn't know about the blog post don't worry about the blog posts alternatively you can drop us a five star review on spotify or apple podcasts It'll help us game the algo. And as long as it's five stars, you can say what you want about Chris. For example, here's one from Musical Goose. All one word. Firmware update. Made all my computers blue screen.

Might be worth updating your BIOS. Maybe some troubleshooting in safe mode on the network adapter. However, the podcast is really really really good and is updated regularly that's advice for me and my broken computer thank you very much musical goose i'm gonna look into this i did employ the services of a man talking my pc but he said yeah a friend a friend but he's not a friend because i gave it to him and he's like yeah there's nothing wrong with it and all right there is so that's 70 pounds i'll never see again. So he's not a friend. But thank you for your nice words about the podcast because, yeah, it is updated regularly.

And please note, if you give us below five stars, then you're going to die. Not from us, but it'll just be like natural. No, like a sort of curse type thing. We've all seen Final Destination 2. If you give us, listen, don't stop me. If you give us a four star review, a giant tree trunk off a logging lorry

is going to come right through your windscreen. Yeah, right through your mouth. And blitter it in your head instantly. So come on. Give that extra star. So why attempt that? Just go up to five. So come on. Give that extra star. Why give, why,

why attempt that? Just go up to five. What even is four? What does four star even mean? It's like, what? Well, all that it means all the stuff Chris said,

I guess. This podcast is made with love, edited by Joseph D 100 Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for a lovely time production. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and our music is by Samuel Leary. And here's an inspirational quote from the man Action Bronson. I use milfhunter.com to ease the pain. It was 92 degrees with rain. On trees, just a little bit of leaves remain.

milfhunter.com. Okay. You heard what I said. Don't say it as if you're typing it in now. Don't type that in. I'll check if it's still going though. And it is. Yep.

It's going. James, am I in an AI or not? Yes or no?