Rural Concerns - Cycling, side eye & dead dads

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

Chris is thrilled to have completed his first ever 10,000 kilometer race only to have the legs cut out from underneath him. Sunil can hold his breath for ages and James thinks he’s great for cycling all the time. Also, can we please stop having a go at the Victorians? Want to see the lads live? Rural Concerns is coming to the London Podcast Show on 20th May. We’re also playing Manchester’s Fairfield Social Club on 22nd November.  You can watch Chris’ Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated show! He’s heading to Chorley, Machynlleth, Wells and Newcastle! Check it out on his international website.  Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello and welcome to Mobile Concerns, a podcast for those seeking to understand the countryside and all the weird things that happen within its luscious borders. We're your guides on this expedition into uncharted territory. My name is Sunil Patel and I live in London, a magnificent, monstrous city that's fuelled by broken dreams and frothed up jizz. My name is Chris Cantrell and I live in the middle of nowhere because my wife commanded it. If I've learnt one thing from my self-imposed rural exile, it's this. It doesn't take long once the maggots get in. And I'm producer James. I live in a well-to-do cul-de-sac. I get on well

with my neighbours, but if someone insists on taking my parking space, I'll brick up all their doors and windows in the middle of the night so they die the death of a pharaoh slave. I just cycled seven miles. I went in on record, so that's why I waited until the recording started. Cycled seven miles in 29 minutes. I had a king-size Snickers

on the train and then flew. Flew home. Wow. 14 miles an hour. Boom. So was that you train out of London to? To the stop one away from the home terminus.

And is this the one thing that's keeping you, keeping your ticker in good shape, keeping you going? So you've done that on purpose, it's not a mistake? No, it's not a mistake because my bike was there. Also, it's a lot cheaper. Is your bike electric or were you going downhill? Was there any assistance? No, it's not a mistake because my bike was there. Also, it's a lot cheaper. Is your bike electric or were you going downhill? Was there any assistance? No, no electric.

No, just absolutely pure gristle. Wow. And is this on A roads, country roads? What are we saying? It's on an abandoned railway line. I'd do that. I would absolutely do that. That sounds all right.

One time in the winter, my light ran out of battery. Actually, I'll tell you what. One time in the winter, my light got stuck on flash mode. Yeah. And it's completely pitch black otherwise. So I basically had a strobe-lit cycle home, which is confusing. If you had a strobe in front of you on your bike, would that give you a seizure? Yeah, I guess so. If you were into that. I was just wondering, does it have to be in your face

or just in general? It's like being in a dance floor, isn't it? Well, if you see a film with flickering images, is that really shining in your face or is that you just seeing something that's flickering? Yeah, good point. i really hurt myself on a similar where i used to live in manchester we had a converted old railway line and one day a tree had fallen on the railway line and it was a bit like whoa look at this so i took my phone out to record it and then i was cycling and looking at the tree in my phone and in my phone it looked really close so i put the brakes on and went fully over the handlebars and i think i think i pretty i think i broke my rib or i was in a lot of pain for a long time and couldn't breathe properly i was too embarrassed to tell people.

Said it looked really close. Yeah. I've got a couple of questions. First one is, had you stopped recording before you put the brakes on? I think it was a photograph. I know what you're asking, and I don't think I've got the footage. I was going to say, it was just through the screen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just really

want to see that video. I really want to hear that video, if I'm perfectly honest.. I was going to say, it was just through the screen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just really want to see that video. I really want to hear that video, if I'm perfectly honest. This was in Manchester as well. This was a little railway, this was a little loop path where basically where I used to live in Manchester was divided, but we lived on the scruffy side of this railway track. On the other side was where a lot of the Manchester United players would live live these big houses that would get bought and sold every season you know for like a gazillion like they're there

for the season but they spend however many million on these big houses anyway so i mean gigs are i mean there's a lot we could say about that but i don't know that we can i don't want right i don't know anything about that and i definitely definitely don't want to talk about football it's not football related anyway so that's why that's why i had to move i rode a bike once in 2012 yeah it was because the olympics is this your olympics story yeah yeah i thought I'd give it a go because everyone else was. Gave up to it. Stayed on that yellow line. I was living in Finsbury Park in North London and my housemate said,

all right, let's get you sort of confident on the bike. Let's cycle from here to Hackney. I was like, yeah, easy. No problem. Turned out immediately as I started that I can't really turn right. And also I get out of puff quite quickly on a hill that I don't even really, you don't even realize things are a hill until you're

on a bike. You get out of puff quite quickly on a podcast recorder. That's just, that's actually not true. I'm, I haven't breathed since I said I've, I've rode a bike in 2012. Listener, he's not even breathing now. Okay, we are watching a medical feat. There it goes, there it goes. If you could get tickets to Ripley's Believe It or Not, then you're going to understand. Then you'd be asking for a refund, wouldn't you? Can I say I didn't put an edit in there?

I did not edit that in any way. Can I tell you an adjacent story of physical prowess go on recently a week or so ago i did a 10 000 kilometer trail hike no no you didn't i did a 10k is that 10 000 kilometers no it's 10 kilometers 10 000 meters it's 10 kilometers. 10,000 meters. It's 10 kilometers. Oh, right. Yeah. Just going to Google how far 10,000 kilometers is. Just you carry on. Was that six miles?

6,000 miles. 6,000 miles. And where would that put me? Where would that put me in terms of the globe? It would put you right back here, I think. No, it's 24,000 miles all the way around, to be fair to him. That's it, thank you.

I've always wondered how big Earth is, actually, in terms of miles. Actually, you would have overshot LA and be in the ocean if you had done that 10,000 kilometre run. So I did this 10 kilometre trail trial run which i've never done before and i wouldn't have done it necessarily but claire who owns the b&b over the road she dropped out she couldn't do it she had to she had to do something else so she said do you want

the tickets i went right okay and then there was a tiny bit of admin to do, and I didn't do that until the day before the race. Do you know what I mean? Like the two minutes of admin, I left it until literally the very last second, praying that that would mean that I wouldn't have to do it. But it turned out that I did, and I was fine. Anyway, so I went to do it. So I went to do this run. It was around Grasmere in the Lake District,

so a very beautiful, very affluent part of the country. And it was the first time I'd been around the running community. Is there any way we can, you know, get an idea of what that might look like? I assume you don't like them no it wasn't that i didn't like them it was just obviously i don't know these places like that you know when it's the most people where i often feel the loneliest does that make sense you know when you don't know anybody and stuff like that and these are people i'm just like a casual hobbyist runner and these people do it to quite a high level. So I was doing the race and it was 10,000 Ks around the Lake District. 10,000 M's.

Around a beautiful Lake District thing. I was nervous. So I had to set off very early in the morning. I had to set off about six in the morning to get there for the start time. And I got there early. I didn't want anyone to come with me because I felt very observed and vulnerable do you know what I mean so I ran so I got there and packed up and then I'm around the running community and I found it very confusing

you know when the stewards are like because people just keep setting off on different races like decathlons and triathlons so i'm like do i need to go now and they're like didn't you read your email and i'm like yeah but it's just very overwhelming and i don't know when i'm supposed to go do you know what i mean with no friends so i was doing that all the books like it's basically an absolute it's basically what people in the 40s do it's there's there's older ages but the core of the running community is people in the 40s it's the new squash isn't it it's a new squash the and largely i would say the blokes were just gorgeous gorgeous 40 and i was thinking i hope i look like them when i grow up. Do you know what I mean?

But I don't look as good as them now when I'm as old as them. So I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen in 12 months. But why is it that 40 year olds start running? Why? What do you think that is? Because you did as well, didn't you? I think it's like impending.

I'm not fussed about gym culture. I think it's definitely an approaching awareness of mortality. Do you know what I mean? You can see, you're looking at, you're having a lovely day, you're in the prime of your life, the sun's on your skin, it feels dry all of a sudden, you look up on the hill, who's that? It's death. Do you know what I mean?

That point in your life, you know what I mean? I'm going to run and try and take control of my own destiny. That's why people run. Aside from that, it's nice and pleasurable. Is it pleasurable? I don't know. But with me being stationary in a gym, there's like a sort of mental death to that.

Do you know what I mean? Whereas running, and this is why I like cycling as well. When I used to cycle, I don't as much anymore, but I like going from one place to another. I like having a look around. I like being like,

what's that down the hallway? It's trouble. Do you know what I mean? Oh, look at this. A dead animal. Do you know what I mean? There's a,

you don't get that in the gym. I see a lot of animals, by the way, on my, do you want a quick Rolodex of the recent animals I've seen? Yeah, go on. Yes,

please. Rabbit. Loads of birds. I don't, I don't know if I want to say this on the broadcast. Want when he finished. I did't know if I want to say this on the podcast. One when he finished. I did. What?

A rabbit? No, I don't want to say about it. What happened? You club it? Rabbit ran under my wheels. You mean you ran over a rabbit? These things happen. These things happen.

It's probably, it's life was avoiding owls and stuff like this. Do you know what I mean? It was happy. James, it was glad to go under those wheels and that four by four. It was a bike. Oh.

Loads of ducks. Yeah. Swans, cygnets. Yes. Geese that hissed at me and then flew at me and an owl. Of course, you keep trying to run them over. All of those, all of them went under your tires.

That's a nightmare. Word gets round. The animals are farther than word. They chat. I'm their bright eyes. All right, here's a list of animals I've seen. In the gym. Dog.

I saw a cat in the upstairs flat. I saw a cat up there. What would you call them fucking a squirrel yeah and a couple of different birds other worm of course yeah

parakeets we've got thousands of them is that just the the wild ones that are knocking around London yeah yeah but that's I think that's

every time I see them it blows my mind it's like magical seeing a lot of parakeets in a big dense urban city one of the many things the victorians did for us yeah it's cool and i will i want to stop now this this podcast stops going boots in on the victorians they give us parakeets sorry yeah the race so i did my race and there were two things that sort of happened. One is I think I was, I either have in the week prior,

I either had COVID or I was depressed. Do you know what I mean? It didn't feel like a cold, but I just felt a bit down and that was either COVID, which I think is my preference or I was just feeling a bit blue. Do you know what I mean? I didn't run the week before, so it was hard to go from nothing to 10K.

But I did it. But when I was doing it, it was a deeply humbling experience. I was going there, I was saying to myself, I finished, I was just below the halfway mark. But when I was doing it, I got there in the halfway mark, but when I was doing it, I got there in the back and then people were just overtaking me. And the more, like, I'm not vain and stuff, but some of the people that were overtaking me, do you know what I mean?

I was like, he's taking me up, look at him. He's, she's taking me up. Look at these people, look at their bodies in there. Nevermind. That's, see you later i don't want to get in your way you know what is it just have they got the endurance or something i don't know just like stamina or they were pushing themselves a bit more or they weren't you know so there was like some real elderly people coming past do you think maybe they've been on a different

race yeah i think maybe maybe not say maybe they were doing less or something than me and i was doing the long the long endurance one but i found it a bit like it was a bit overwhelming because it's a mountain it was a lake district trail run basically big chunks of it were going uphill in small, narrow paths. And it meant it kept bottlenecking. And the minute it did, everybody started walking, which wasn't exactly what I wanted to do. I find if I stop, it's very easy for me to,

do you know what I mean? Like with my life that I live in general, if I'd one day stopped and sat down on a settee and said, that's it, I'm done now, I'd die. Do you know what I mean? Yes, yeah. This is not the first time you've sort of alluded to how you're like a shark. Alluded to being a shark.

Yeah, like a physical shark. So I did that. The only other thing of Advent that popped up was about a third of the way there, maybe not even a third, some YouTuber doing it, recording content. Sweet 10. And I thought, great, that's fine.

I like it. What, what, what do you mean? What kind of content? Did you think that, Chris? What did you do? He was recording like some sort of, he was recording some sort of like, he was saying like,

so far the race is going great. Was he American? It can't be going great if he's at the same level as you are. Yeah, you're getting overtaken by old people. No, but he wasn't. He was passing through. He was on his way.

He was just like going, yeah, he was doing, he was just on his way. He was doing content and talking to people. He was like basically the king in a race. You must have loved it. And I thought, I thought this is good. Yeah.

I like it. Yeah. There's a picture. There's someone found that, didn't they? In the old, in the old Creamery Discord and they popped a little, popped a little screen grab of it in there. I saw it.

Yeah. Yeah. You looked very grumpy. Everyone's comment was basically, that is peak side-eye. You're doing the side-ist eye. You're both running in the same direction, but you've somehow managed to turn your head far enough to the side. I managed to give him a side-eye when we're running in the same direction.

And crucially, I'm behind. How have I given him the side-eye from behind? I'll tell you what it is. He seemed really nice. It's the shark in you. Sharks are all about the side eye, aren't they? He was a good looking guy. He was a king of the race.

Everybody loved him. Do you know what I mean? So I'm like jealous of him. I'm jealous of the king of the race. I don't know when I'm supposed to go. I don't know where any of the things are every some people got an envelope i didn't get an envelope do you know what i mean this is i was just overwhelmed and didn't know what to do but he obviously knows everything about races that's point one point two is i didn't ask i didn't want

to be this is i left at six in the morning i didn't let my family come so that no one would see me do it you know i mean i did this i understand this is very because i i'd obviously record bits and pieces that go out on the internet so it feels slightly hypocritical on some level but i just wanted to be running on my own without being seen do you know what i mean but that image of you has been, well, now if you join, if you were to join the Discord community, like if you were to join our Patreon, join the Discord community, you'd get access to a sticker of that side eye,

of you doing that side eye. Which I tried to stop, but it turns out the admin controls of that group are not locked down to a level that I thought was. So they did this off their own backs without my input. It's a bit of incredible sleuthing. I've also managed to make one for our WhatsApp group chat as well. So that's cool. That's cool.

So that was the run. That's a great feat of physical prowess in the countryside. That is good. I opened a couple of kilner jars here. Empty. That my flatmate couldn't do on her own. Empty. Brand new, yeah.

She couldn't open them. And I did that. So that felt pretty good. Yeah, that's about it. And then that's the day, really. And that's the day, isn't it, really? And by then, you've done enough, haven't you? It's just time to power up Predator

or some other great action film. All four wicks straight away. Let's go. That's the life of an artist in London in 2025. I was helping Phil Ellis get into it. Give him a phone, charging that up. Yeah.

James, before you came on, it was me and Sunil, camera powered up. Phil Ellis is on the other side of the camera yeah he's in my bedroom yeah

he's not in the bedroom now is he no he's gone now I told him to get out yeah he's got to do he's doing his Soho theatre show tonight he's got to go

is he yeah why was he was he just at your house saying hello he was at my house because he locked himself out of his iPhone

and forgot the passcode so he asked if I had an old phone. So he came around, took the old phone, and tried to start up a new, restore his account on there. Oh, no. It was very complicated. He eventually got in. But, yeah, very stressful.

Feels like some old man business right here, doesn't it? Who forgets their passcode? Not on my regular phone. I forget it on a work phone yeah but that's because you've got two different passcodes

to deal with there it's his only passcode I don't there is that thing though where it's like it doesn't tell you you know what you know whether

you've got to have a special character in it and stuff like that I do remember getting like a lesser sum up

yeah I do remember getting like like a lesser sum up yeah i do remember getting very before like trying to log into a a specifically apple one because they won't let you have too similar a password to one you've had before so if the one that you can remember and then you reset the password so you try and use the one that you can remember then it's like that's a bit too similar so then you have to pick a random one and then you don't remember it but you've got children's birthdays to pick from today is the anniversary of my dad dying and and it took people texting me family members texting me to say i'm thinking of you today for me to be like oh mean, it's not, so it's not just the birthdays that I forgot. No, right.

There's plenty of dates. Yeah. You two, you two are both dead dads, aren't you? That's right, yeah. Yeah. I've still got one. Something to think about. Something to think about.

Something to think about there. I don't know, what do you want me to, like, are you okay? Me? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, he forgot, didn't he i forgot i was doing fine until that do good in mama mine there you go then a bit of a sting there probably but the dead should we make a dead dad sting you two are both dead dads aren't you yeah i've still got one yeah dead dad sting and then i think we what i might do quietly is add this as a recurring event in the google calendar pop it a week before so you remember to send a card and then i'll just get a text tomorrow saying, I'm so sorry, I forgot. Yeah.

God, yeah, I'm not adding to my list of things, I forget. Yeah, because today really is, in a lot of ways, about me. So, physical prowess, dead dads, we're ticking everything off the list. I mean, it's absolute classic. Sunil, have you, do you want to talk about your dead dad or do you want to talk about? Sorry, as,

as Chris was saying that he's writing, he's writing dead dad in the show notes. At least put it on strikeout. Under mine as well. Put it on strikeout. We've talked about it. Yeah, we've done that. We've covered that.

Chris has gone awkward. He's right now writing, with one of his bullet points, Dad's still alive. Brackets. Awkward. All right. Well, underneath that,

the next point is that I've got a new coffee table. It doesn't feel right to talk about that under these circumstances, though. I think you talked about your new coffee table last time, last episode, which was yesterday when Chris was missed last time last episode which was yesterday yeah it's a quick wrap what's happened since yesterday hey hey you know what like in terms of it's going to help if it's going to help us veer away from this cul-de-sac i would i would happily take another run at a new coffee table.

A new coffee table then. How high is it? What material is it made out of? It's a storage ottoman that I'm using as a coffee table. All ottomans are storage. Are they? Isn't that the premise? Really?

Isn't that the premise? Is that right? That's what marks an ottoman. Well, it was marketed to me as a storage Ottoman. I guess the empire was just all about, you know, maximizing storage space. Was it? Is an Ottoman, like, would it have been originally in a tent? I don't know.

To me, it's always been a footstool or a bench. Or an ottoman. Or a bed. And what's inside it? What's inside my storage, Ottoman? Yes. Tripods, lights, ephemera. You can make a film real quick.

I think we'll be porno. Just waiting for someone to get to porno. That's all I was waiting for. I set that up. And now you, soft toys. I wouldn't say I was an expert on pun i wouldn't say i've seen all pornography yeah but the ones i have seen have not featured sleeping bags exactly this is this is why this is it's a niche that's right that's why i'm such a pioneer in the

storage ottoman porno sector ottoman porn shoot paraphernalia story it's covered in a green cloth that i can't pronounce boucle boucle b-o-u-c-l-e oh yeah i've i've i've seen that written down and evidently heard people say it but never joined them together because it's like that seed that's in salads now. What's that, Gia? That other one with the Q in it, quinoa. Quinoa?

That's not a seed, that's a grain. Is that different? That's not like a cutting edge thing in a salad. That's now an old hat. All right. Quinoa's not some exotic thing. Quinoa's everywhere. All right, but it's just an example of something

that is spelt completely different to how you... You'd hear it and you'd hear it down and you'd never know that that was the same word until you've embarrassed yourself. Like hyperbole. Yes, it's not a hyperbole. Hyperbole. Yeah, hyperbole.

Welcome to the hyperbole. In other news, let me scroll down my email, see if anything interesting came in today. I do want to know a little bit about Chris's Point Spooky Hotel. Yes. Well, I've talked about the hotel on the hill before, haven't I? There is the countryside bit. Oh, I've been there.

You took me there. I took you for a walk around the perimeter. Is this when Sunil came to your town but didn't go to your house? Not this house where we live now. We didn't own it and that's why he's not... He charged me to stay in the old B&B he was in. Did he? Did he let you in his hot tub?

Yeah, he did. And then he made me breakfast, but that was included in the price. So Neil turned it down. I wouldn't have charged you, but I don't know. You were coming just after COVID. Things were. I don't mind being charged as long as I can tell you what to do in your own house. And he turned the hot tub down and then.

I did by accident. I don't know why. I don't know why he thought he turned it down. Like it was a lamp in his bedroom. I didn't know. I don't know why. I don't know why he thought he turned it down like it was a lamp in his bedroom. I didn't know. I don't understand why he touched it. Oh, you turned the temperature down. I don't know how they worked.

I never would have gone to bed. I don't know why you'd turn it. I don't know why you'd take that initiative. Save energy. Plan it. Yeah, actually, fair enough. Your bills. Yeah, yeah.

No, fair enough. I apologise. Did you put the lid on? Nah, I left that going. Left that off, didn't I? At the top of the hill, there was his, it's, there's, it's basically been lots of things over the years. It's a really sort of sad tale in the long term.

But I think around, it used to be like a spa. And it looked, I think it was quite high end originally, like some end of the Edwardian, Victorian, you know, in the past. Go on. It was in the past. End of the Edwardian, start of the Victorian. Yeah, yeah. Anglo-Saxons, maybe.

It was. An Anglo-Saxon hotel. Big cattle. A Anglo-Saxon hotel big Anglo-Saxon hotel and basically over the years it's gradually

it's been lots of things over the years and from what I can tell it gradually it employed like a big chunk of the village at one point

because it's a big like 60 bedroom maybe even more than that. Like a 50. No, I understand.

I understand that 50 is less than 60. Oh man, your guesstimation this episode has been bad and wrong. I understand when I said it, I understand it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like a big bedroom house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 10,000. And basically over the, I think over the, I think it started off high end and over the years became,

do you know a place, I think it started off high end and over the years became, do you know, a place, I think before it shut, it became a place where a coach full of pensioners would come and spend the weekend for next to nought. Do you know what I mean? And they come, my auntie goes on these sort of trips. You go to a place, they put you in a hotel that has availability slightly off season and you pay a small amount of money but you get your food and your dinner and you go for a drink and you go to bed at eight

o'clock or whatever it's like deals are being made yeah it's like it's one of those places that reeks of like using occupancy anyway so that got to a point where but basically it shut down and then since then it's just been a tale of I don't think anyone's done anything illegal, but it's kind of an indictment of where we are now as a society because basically they've gradually, people that have owned it have all come in and basically stripped it of something. Do you know what I mean? Like there was land attached to it. Someone came in and everyone comes in and they say,

we're going to revitalize this and turn it around. And then they like strip a bit of land off and sell the land and then and then back out of the deal and stuff like this you know so it's basically heading towards derelict with no assets attached to it and i think there might be some other someone's bought it at a bargain basement but there's some like properties attached to it. And I think they're just selling them off and then nail back out. Like it's, it's sad. But what it is, is, is an old hotel on top of the hill, which is full of mystery and surprise. And the last time I went past,

a door was randomly open at the top of the fire escape. Now we were with the boy. We were with my son. We were walking around. So what I couldn't do is zip up that fire escape and look straight away. But basically hatched a plan. And then me and Dave were talking about it in the pub. But basically we found out we had a recce

and the door was shut. Now, there's rumour in the village that there might be some people staying in there or squatting or something like that for a bit. Yeah, I don't know. That's spooky hotel. I don't want to go in. I don't want to, I don't know.

I think it's falling to ruin. Obviously, you don't want things to be dangerous. I've seen videos on YouTube when people go around abandoned buildings and they find squatters in them. But I can't imagine why anyone would want to stay in the one that you see because it's so far from anything. I can't remember, but it's got a name where you break into places and... Urban Summit.

But basically what they're doing is breaking and entering, but by giving it a name, it becomes an artistic thing as opposed to, it elevates it off the page from being just a basic crime intent. Yeah, I get that in the city when it's like, why wouldn't you use this building when people need it? But this is like in the middle of absolutely nowhere. It must be terrifying to stay overnight in. No electricity. No, no electricity.

The only thing is as well, there's like an alarm that just goes off constantly. When was it last used? I think in its death knells, there's been intermittent periods where people have come in with various promises. And I think one of the last people that came in, they were like, we're going to open the kitchens again and then we're going to look to build it up. And what they did was for a season, they ran some sort of like restaurant out of it and then just sort of,

it fell away to nothing. Right. And it's a place where there's also like a little bit of a beauty feature. This is a bit mad, but there's this, there was this thing on it called the popping stone, which apparently was where Sir Walter Scott. Oh yeah.

Proposed to his wife at this popping stone, which apparently was where Sir Walter Scott proposed to his wife at this popping stone. So it had become like a thing of, you know, a place to go and propose. But in one of the resales, that land was removed and the new farmer that bought it from a couple of villages over just came in and decimated it. Like just pulled it to bits because he was trying to bridge two bits of river. And then it all kicked off a bit because it's called something called a SSI, which I think is a, oh God, it's a scientific, right of special interest. It means that whoever owns a land, there is a right of way. And basically it could have got in a lot of trouble. So you just put it back together. And by now I mean mean plonked a rock on top of two other rocks it was like you

know like yeah that's fine and like i say none of it's illegal but it's sad and you're like there's not that many reasons on the face of it for people to come to our little village in terms of the tourist stuff apart from the fact that we're on the wall. So it's both not very much, but also quite big conceptually too. Do you know what I mean? At the same time. Which one's Sir Walter Scott then? What did he do?

I think he said, freedom. And they cut his head off. I believe it was him. No, it's not, is it? No. He found the potato. That's Francis Drake. Walter Raleigh.

Walter Raleigh is the Siggy's. And he let a queen have a go on a rollie. On a toot on his rollie and he said, I found this potato for you. He had a toot on the first,

he gave that queen a toot on the first ever rollie. And that is why i love this country i'll tell you why i love this country i saw a deep fried english breakfast the other day every single ingredient dipped in the basket into the deep fat whoa absolutely disgraceful but it's what made this country what it is baked beans they beans? They did the beans, yeah. Deep fried the baked beans, yeah. Individually? No, no, no. Just poured them in.

Came out again. Just oily. But the red will have gone. The sauce will have gone. The red was still there. It was almost like it came back out in a clump. Worst thing I've seen, you know, they always, this is on Instagram, a full English breakfast jacket potato.

It's just a jacket potato with a full English on it. You know, sausage, beans, egg. And the comments underneath are like, wow, this looks fantastic. They're like, wow, this looks fantastic. Where can I get one? And I'm like, you can fucking make that, mate. It's not.

You can very easily make that. Just get a jacket potato and put, the state of these people. I'd eat it. That's for sure. You don't think like, yeah, you do.

It's one of those things that's so culturally part of his DNA to enjoy a full English breakfast. It's like, yeah. And for the cheapest price we can possibly get it is how much of it can I get for a tenner? Please. But it's not something that I really eat anymore, but then I had a... No one in their right mind does it, Chris.

But there was a point where I used to have them when I was in my 20s. I had one last week. What am I talking about? Was it in a jacket potato? No. No, but I did... I had a bit of time for a train ride before the train ride,

and there was a Weatherspoons next to the train station. So I had a £6 full English breakfast. And even though it's not really part of my life anymore, I had it and I went, that's bang on. Hot sweet tea to go with it. Lovely. But you know, you go to these European countries and they're just like breakfast luxury.

There he goes. You think they have luxurious breakfast? They're simple, elegant. They do like, I don't know. I went to one and they had eggs in sand.

Eggs in sand? Where? Switzerland, I think it was. No, they don't have sand there. They have snow. Give me two minutes. I need toilet. I need toilet.

Go on then. We have never had to pause a podcast for chris to go toilet before what's this chicken jockey stuff there's a bit where a chicken jockey jack black wrestles a character from the game called a chicken jockey which is a little mini zombie on a chicken but it's in like a wrestling but then everyone throws their food at the screen yeah because it's like a wrestling thing and he's like jumping on it and stuff and kids are evidently going mad. I know exactly what you're talking about. And it is appalling,

like the making a mess is appalling, that's bad. But also the whole thing whiffs of being 14, don't they? Yeah. Well, it's the same as the old Minions thing that happened. What was that? Like whenever the Minions thing came out, like kids who'd watched Minions when they were little were now like going to the cinema in like suits and stuff and then just trashing the place because they were like a little bit, they were like 18 now.

Yeah. That's not cool. But do you know what does strike me as juvenile? It's obnoxious, isn't it? It's obnoxious. But I've been 14. I can sort of put myself into that mindset. And I've never done that, but they're mostly probably just dicks. And that's okay.

And there are still tickets to Rural Concerns Live in Manchester. Yeah. When Sonil says, anchor power power bank that's when everyone can throw the pop card at the screen right should we do a letter yeah let's do a letter lovely right okay letter here right oh no dear or two that's good good. Straight to business. For no reason, immediately after the segment where Chris talked about taking his son to the pub, letting his son watch a screen the whole time, Chris drank four pints and provided his son no food. The ad that played for me was about court-appointed children's advocates. Keep up the good work, Paige. That's great. Absolutely bang to rights there there's an advert about court appointed children's

advocates what's that to be one or do you want yeah can we just be one anyone can be one i don't think chris can oh that's the stand in court with oh no it's not no i thought it's like adolescence is it where like like there's a child criminal and i'm like your honor i thought it was like adolescence. Is it where like, like there's a child criminal and I'm like, your honor. I thought it was that. Your honor. He, he didn't,

he couldn't have stolen that. He wasn't born like this sort of thing. That's nice. Yeah. No, that's a lawyer. That's a lawyer, Chris.

Guys, this is, please support me. This is what I want to do as a job. I want to be a child lawyer. Lawyer for children to clarify yes before the pedants write in they don't need to know about my enlarged prostate do you know is it enlarged i don't know you don't know i'll tell you what i don't think it is i'll tell you what is when i did my show my show, what I noticed is there was a couple,

basically my show is written for people in their 40s. Specifically, if you had to pick one specific type of person, it'd be for men in their early 40s. So those people at my show, basically they can't go for an hour without a wee. Do you know what I mean? It's just, not if you've had a couple of pints either. It's tough.

It's just a damning, like there's basically a big stream of lads needing to get up every 20 minutes. You're like, lads, you need to get these prostates fingered. Cause this, you need a trough seating, don't you?

And you can do it as part of it. You know, like those, those, I think you have, you know, like when you lean forward, you know, when you go to church and you have those prayer stands oh the prayer mats yeah no they're not mats are they because they're like it's elevated it's like a kneeling a prayer kneeling thing you mean like those old 90s good for your back chairs that are

like one of them your little man's out you're just dribbling away down the front whenever you feel the pressure. How about a selection of hoses coming out from in front of you that you can just clamp on? Selection? One for everyone. Oh, right, one for each person, not like you've got three to choose from.

You can choose a colour, yeah. But you know what you'd do? You'd have to pass, they'd probably do cutbacks and you'd have to pass the'd probably do cutbacks and you'd have to pass the tube around so it would be disruptive because i'd be doing my little bon mots and and then i'd just say like pass me the tube i want to go on the tube i'd bring my own funnel in that scenario oh yeah definitely you'd have to in the back when toilets first came out they were just in a row weren't they and you'd get like that when they first came out when first toilet come out didn't they just have like holes in a stool or in a bench and people

would just sit next to each other chatting famously the roman one is and famously the sponge on a stick shared to wipe the ass yeah shared sponge on a stick yeah so is that the end of the episode let's bring back sponge on a stick end So is that the end of the episode? Let's bring back sponge on a stick. End on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That feels like a good one. Bring back sponge on a stick. Another good episode where it wraps up exactly where we started.

People will be at home thinking they must write this. This must be a script. It's too on point. Okay, outro. Thank you for listening to this episode of Rural Concerns. Here's a reminder. We're bringing Rural Concerns live to Manchester's Fairfield Social Club on the 22nd of November, 2025.

The ticket link for that is in the show notes. And do you know what? This week, I'm actually going to put it in the show notes. Oh, for fuck's sake. Really? No, I've definitely done all the things I'm supposed to do. I've also got a few dates. If you want to see me, go on my website without basically the distractions. Go on.

Do you put the show notes for these tickets? I mean, the ticket links for these tickets in the show notes. I bet you did. Don't check it now. Don't check it now. Don't end this recording with me in trouble where where where or go on and where are you going on your tour i'm going to i don't want to tell everyone now but i'm going to charlie i'm going to the wells comedy festival and i'm finishing it all off in

newcastle upon tyne on the 14th of june i'm also going to the Edinburgh Fringe, but I'm in trouble now, so I don't want to go. Quite right. James isn't going to be there, though. Will be now. Well, that's the only place I'll know where to go because it's the only place that's linked. Yeah. Oh God, if I've left the link into that,

but not our live show. Yeah, you'll be right. You'll be fair. And if you'd like to support Rural Concerns, you can leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. The best way to support us is, one, putting the links in the right places. Two, becoming a Rural Concerns Patreon.

For a small donation, you'll not only be supporting a fiercely independent podcast, which is underperforming in ticket sales, can't think why, but you'll also get a weekly bonus episodes and access to the Creamery, our dedicated Discord server. Our artwork is by Poppy Hilsted.

Our music is by Sam O'Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, entertainment lawyer. Shout out, Cal. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph. That's fine to say. That's fine. Unleash the droidicals, Burrows,

and is produced by Egg Mountain for a lovely time productions. Unleashed, what was that? It's from Star Wars Phantom Menace. Unleashed. Droidicals. Nerd. But the one from Star Wars is, these are not the robots that you want.

That's the one. Yes, that's the one. If you hit me, I'll hit you harder. Yeah, fuck them before they fuck you first. Yeah. How does he say it he says fuck you harder than should lovely another classic episode with the boys tick

when will we see an end to these rooms? Do you reckon we'll ever see a room repeated? No. A new room every time. No, I'm in a room where, this is the room where the piano is, and if I talk too loud, the piano makes a noise. Does that make sense?

Sunroom, pantry, piano room. These are not problems of the proletariat. It's like this. If I talk too loud, it's like the piano's trying to harmonize with me. And it comes back to that thing. Do you know we talked about that guy that can shout and kill a bird with his voice?

Piano man. So if I go, listen to this, I'm going to play the piano with my voice ha could you hear me no but no do it again

go on yeah keep doing it right I'm going to I'm going to get the microphone no but you've disappeared off camera so we don't know

if you're just pressing one of the keys I'm just moving I'm just taking the keys off the piano wait a minute wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Watch this, James. He's so loud. Watch this. It's all right. It's being recorded. I did hear that. I did hear that. One more time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go on. Go on. Oh, yeah. Bloody hell. That's the power of the voice. Yeah, yeah. Not so close to the mic. Yeah, bring, yeah, go on, go on. Ha! Oh, yeah, bloody hell. That's the power of the voice. Yeah, yeah. Not so close to the mic. Yeah, bring your mic away because we're not pianos.

We don't need to be shouted at. Chris, though, can I just, for clarity, at the moment you're recording in a room with one of your pianos. This is the primary piano. The other one is more of a keyboard. And what happens is one of your pianos reacts quite strongly to the voice of the working class. Yeah, it's averse to it.

Ha! I'm all right. Yeah, I'm all right. I'm just playing piano with my voice. Ha! Ha! That was the best one yet. Yeah, I'm alright. I'm just playing piano with my voice. Ah! That was the best one yet. Bong! Like that.

Is that recording? Yes, that's recording. Hello, it's Chris here. No, come on. Hello, it's Chris here. No, come on. Hello, it's Chris here. How's everybody doing? I can't respond. Hello.

I'm not answering the phone. Why have I said it like that? Hello, it's Chris here. God, I haven't said hello before. This is just a quick note to say that Rural Concerns has been added to the lineup for the London Podcast Show. Okay. We're on the 20th of May at 9pm. Tickets are available. There is a link in the show notes. See you there. Hello. No.