Rural Concerns - Death cleaning, battery care & weddings

Episode Date: November 26, 2024

Chris provides some top tips for organising a wedding, Sunil talks about power banks and Producer James holds a grudge against working people. In other news, Chris is definitely working class and the lads discuss what happens when you die. A right laugh this one. Chris is taking his show on a tour of the UK! He’s heading to the Soho Theatre in London NEXT WEEK (4th - 7th December)! Then it’s on to Edinburgh, Leeds, Manchester, Bristol, Leicester and Barnard Castle. Get your tickets, here! We’re doing the first ever live edition of Rural Concerns on Saturday 1st February 2025 at The Bill Murray in London. Around 75% of the tickets have already gone! That’s loads! Grab yours here! Drop us an email at [e-mail] if you have a Rural Concern you’d like discussed! The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than five quids you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Click here to start supporting Rural Concerns today! Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and our artwork is by Sam O’Leary. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Further reading: https://www.comedycv.co.uk

Hello and welcome to Rural Concerns, a podcast where a city dweller and a countryside dweller check in on each other instead of paying for therapy. Yes, I'm Sunil Patel and I'm using this podcast to check up on our friend chris after he moved to rural northumbria how's everything up there chris this country needs an iron fist and a naval expansion program the world is becoming more and more dangerous because of work and higher defense spending will solve it. But what's happening in the countryside? I have taken control of the John Wick ready pitch.

Bracket R slash John Wick and recruited 90% of them to march on Parliament to stop Eulers expanding to Carlisle. I'm producer James and I think piss is stored in the balls. I'm getting absolutely in the neck for the nutty cloud fiasco. Really? Yeah, I went on another podcast and said it was 3000 calories a packet and it's people flooding in,

saying you're wrong, it's 800, you can have four of them. Yeah, I love that people are like this is how many you can have to have the maximum if you only eat nutty clouds the the technical max it like calories are the only metric i went to enjoy a good diet absolutely can i just ask one question on this podcast? Did you say that you have your own podcast, God Will Concerns? That's very interesting. You should ask that, but I can't remember. What podcast was it?

Was it Martin Lewis' Money Saver? It's called The Rest Is Politics. The Rest Is Confectionery. No, it was Trusty Hogg's, my flatmate's podcast. Oh. Yeah. What's the hat, by the way? I like your cap.

This is a band called USA Nails and I got the hat free because I know someone in the band. Accountant. Shout out USA Nails. USA Nails. Link in the comments. I thought you were going to say

something about Linkin Park. What's it called, this segment? Can we not have to bleep a sting, please, Chris? So think about what you want to call this segment. Right, is Factual Update a good name? No, not really. No, that's fair. That's good feedback, can't it?

That's good feedback and I'll take it on the chin. No, because that means we've all been lying all the way through. Yeah, yeah. That sets a precedent for the rest of it, doesn't it? Things that Chris has said in previous episodes that have not been received well by the other two lovely sting actually he's actually right and he has a voice note off a man to prove it it's a long one things that chris has said in previous episodes that have not been received well he's actually right i i gave up on that voice note it was too long i can't hold my phone for that long it's like 14 minutes i popped on like a little podcast. It was five minutes, 36. It is wild.

Why should we give a recap? Context, yeah. So in one of the very, very early episodes of this podcast, we talked about, I have a friend who has a friend who set up a cottage industry of going over to China when it's landfill and paying people from China to go through the landfill, which comes from the UK, and find loose coinage detritus.

Apparently, it became a cottage industry. I mentioned it again a few weeks ago. Damn it. These two have been waiting for this for months, so they, like, leapt on me immediately. I could feel James's boot on my neck. Listener, listener, I don't think the problem was people trying to salvage stuff from landfill,

because that is a very sad fact that happens in all the places where landfill is shipped to. People go through it and try and get any value they can, like copper wires from computers and stuff like that, things from batteries. The thing that I personally took umbrage with was the end of the story was a man catching a flight with hand luggage full of pound coins.

That's right. You're right to say that, James. I don't think that point was true. Right, so I know this friend. We are friends, but I didn't have his telephone number. You know, like that sort of a friend. So like, as in, when we see each other, we have a good chat, but like, I don't have his telephone number.

So I messaged my friend and I said, listen, can you put me in touch with our mutual friend? Because I need to talk to him about, I've been chatting big about this guy bringing quids through in hand luggage so i asked him and i've got like a five minute 36 voice mail note of him which explains the like mechanics of it to a degree and it it's too specific to be made up it's not made up. It is a mad story. It got bigger.

Basically, this is about 10 years ago. It got bigger than him quite quickly. And basically, but he'd come home with, you have a limit that you could bring through on the carry-on of money that you can bring into the, he'd come back with that and he'd pour it. I suppose technically they don't weigh carry-on. So as long as you can lift it.

Yeah, but there's an amount. Into the overhead locker. But I just imagine in a man, he's basically got a bench press up 10,000 quids. Yeah, but you haven't listened to the message. I have listened to the message. It said it was a big man, but he's still got to go. He's got a jerk and push or whatever it's called. So he's done that.

But you have to declare an amount, don't you? You have to declare. It's like you are bringing £10,000 back or whatever it is. So he'd bring below that threshold back. He would take the big bag to supermarket coin changers and pour them in. He's immediately lost 15%. Yeah, but he's lost 15% of free money it's not free he's paying people

in China to find it but where are all these quids coming from and where are we throwing them away they're in the back of settees they're in the back

of this is like it's stuffed down the back of bits so there's sofas going from here to China it's sofas

it's bags it's just shite that we don't want we're a rich country we like just get rid of it it doesn't exist there is no problem okay yeah yeah and i have to we have to be careful honestly refuse the subject of refuse is threatening to overwhelm this podcast we did an episode about it a few weeks ago we got a letter off a young man called Jasper. I've never woke up to so many emails about this.

We've never had such interaction. I had an email from my mum talking about recycling bins, and I was like, I want to just stop this immediately. She didn't call you? No, but she's wrote it out. I can't bring myself to open the emails. Has she sent it to the podcast email or your personal email? You shared a screen grab of it, Chris,

and it looks like it's to the podcast. It looks like she doesn't know that you're on the podcast. She's written it as if I'm not her son. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just I have a rural concern. She just wants impartial treatment on this podcast. That's fair enough. She's gone mad.

We can't talk about that. No, she's fine. Don't. I think don't put it in. Let me just finish the sentence. I think just edit it out now. No, why edit it out now? Save Joe a job.

He's risk averse, Chris. You know this. It's my mum. I can say if she's gone mad or not. She's a listener. She might not know a valued listener she's my main she's my set designer my costume designer as well for my shirt like she's like she's getting she's made me a sign she's getting ready for death so she's like done this she's like clean i think it's like a dutch thing death cleaning yeah do you know what i mean

so she's at the minute she's going through the hat they're going through their life and trying to condense it down into like plastic boxes for me and my brother to just float skip when they're gone you know what i mean there's a classic go bag situation that the boys have isn't it she's just like i'm just getting it don't have to worry about anything yeah macbook pro two pairs of pants. That's it. That's it. No, no, like no sentimental things at all. No trinkets. Yeah. And it is, it's not, I'm saying she's gone mad.

She's not gone mad. It's very sensible and it's incredibly, it's very considerate that she's thinking of us in this way. But it does mean that every sort of conversation I have with her is like, will you sign power of attorney? I want to be switched off. I want to be switched. Switch me out, don't be.

And then the last time when I was signing it, I was like, so you want me to keep you alive as long as possible with all the medical science that the world has available? And she's like, no, I want to be turned off. I want to be put in a, she's like very adamant that we put her in a bin bag. All of this is exactly what Jason Bourne would do as well. He'd have all of his stuff paired down into a briefcase in a bank and he'd make sure that he was turned off

so he wouldn't spill secrets, state secrets. Which Jason Bourne? Matt Damon or... Yeah, Matt Damon, not the other one. Who's the other one? Jeremy Renner? Yeah. Did play jason bourne in that as well i think so i think jason bourne's like an idea like batman no he's not my jason bourne what we're saying quid like the quid guys did he explain how he got through security yeah that was the bit he got through security he's a massive guy massive chinese guy with bags of quids he got it says there he got stopped pretty much every time he goes through security yeah he got like they went through basically stopped him detained him and was he was detained until they

tried to figure out what he was doing wrong and none of them could he got arrested by the irish police just because they were like, someone's not right. But given enough time, he wasn't breaking any laws. Yeah. Okay. He's declaring it to the tax man as well. If you found money on the floor though, do you have to declare that?

Yeah, if you're a knobhead. You don't need to declare that. I guess that counts as a capital gain and you've got an allowance of £3,000 capital gains a year. And he's bringing in 87, by the way, it's 87.5 kilos, is 10,000 clean pound coins. That's a big man. Yeah.

That's what he's benching. So this is what he was doing, but apparently, this is a thing that got away from him. It got big. I don't know whether he's still doing it now, but he this is a thing it got away from him it got big i don't know whether he's still doing it now but he set up a company in in sweden because the fourth biggest amounts of coins that they found in this landfill site was swedish coronas so it like was something it was some sort of mad cottage industry that sprang up i don't know whether some legislation in the

gap has been tightened and it's shut down. But the full tale is very specific and there's some weird stuff in there as well. And you're like, it's not made up. It's true. It's an entrepreneur. It's an entrepreneur. It's a salvage company, isn't it? Yeah, that's basically what it is.

That's like those lads who go dive in for treasure. Yeah, I think so. Jameson just wants to keep, he's Googling somewhere, he wants to keep the working man down. He cannot live in a world where the working man pulls himself up by his bootstraps. He's Googling the podcast charts. See who else he can hawk himself out to. I'll tell you what, this podcast is so, like I say, we talked about bins and the inbox has exploded.

I can't keep on top of the, I can't keep on top of people talking about the bins, people talking about recycling. What's the general theme? What are they doing? Well, the general theme, no, I woke up to an email from Jasper, the boy that centers the breakdown because he was, I think he's Australian. So when it comes out at one o'clock or whatever,

I don't know, that's tea time for him. I don't know. I don't understand. I don't understand the globe. He eats his tea in tomorrow. You know what I mean? Late tomorrow. But last night I did a show in Manchester.

I did my little cinema film club show that I do every now and then with my friend Samuel Leary, who's a brilliant director. He does a lot of things, actually. He's an actor. He does sketches. He does this. The only thing he definitely, definitely didn't want to do was the music for this podcast.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. We've drawn a line under it. But we do this night in Manchester, and I met a lad called andrew that listens to this podcast and it was a great chat he was absolutely levered he was so nice so lovely and he's like sort of a message to him on instagram a bit before we were like we chatted about his summit in the podcast and he like he come up to me was like you are bang on about rural taxi drivers about the attitudes

of rural he was fuming because he'd gone to Lake District and they'd booked a taxi and then they got in the taxi

and the taxi driver was just like yeah I'm gonna I want more money then you agreed you know so he was like furious about that

then he smashed then Andrew was speaking to smashed a glass and picked it up with his bare hands and he like yeah this this is our list of shit read you know so he was like furious about that then he smashed then andrew was speaking to smashed a glass and picked it up with his bare hands and he like yeah this this is our list of shit yeah sorry i didn't know it's going to end there no i understand there was a lot of information there i don't think i've ever met a rural concerns listener in the flesh or maybe i have actually that might be rude if i have maybe forgotten you hang out in lond kids. That's not, rephrase that.

Oh, sorry. You hang out in the city of London. With renters. And you're friends of 14-year-old boys. None of them are 14-year-old boys. I had a nice lunch today, actually, with some boys in their mid-30s, so it's fine. Yeah, but that's very young to us now, Sonal.

That's seven years younger than us. Seven years younger than me. No, seven years younger than us. Seven years younger than me. No, seven years younger than me. Thank you. Yeah. And what sort of stuff are they talking about? Like Pokemon mainly. They're talking about Pokemon.

They're talking about trying to get a house. They're talking about getting married. They're like, they don't know. They don't know. They're obviously not talking about that. We've gone through our generation. Do you know, when you get to a certain age, you have wedding season, don't you? You know, like a year or two years where all you do is go to weddings.

I worked out me and Nicola spent, you know, like the travel, the gifts, the hotels and whatever, all the accommodation, that we spent enough to do as kitchen. Do you know what I mean? We spent thousands of, I mean, this is a long while ago, but thousands and thousands of pounds. And it got to end of this. And I was like, I'm not going to another wedding.

I said, even if it's like a blood relative, I'm not going to another wedding. I can't do it. You go on your own. What's the cost? Do you mean the hotel, the travel, all that? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Just like the cost of like, like, oh, Dan's getting married in Kent. Kent's like the other side of the country and stuff like this. of like like oh dan's getting married in kent kent's like the other side of the country and stuff like this so it's like it's a trip down it's to hotels it's a gift how much yeah how much you're spending on these gifts i'm not trying to like i'm not i won't go mad depending but you have to stratify it based on who the person is and how long you've known them and right but i think the day is so expensive and stuff like that, and for the bride and groom putting it on,

so try not to give them, you know, like a £5 WX Smith voucher in a card. Usually 50 quid to a donkey charity will do it for everyone. I don't want that. I wanted money and stuff, you know. What did I give you then? I don't know. Have a look through the record, see what I gave you.

You'll be pleasantly surprised. We got married. We got all these like lovely gifts. COVID hit and we never sent pancakes out. I don't expect a thank you. Everybody had a free party, haven't I?

Is that, yeah. You're paying for the party, aren't you? In the present, you're paying, you're paying the equivalent of like a meal and.

Was it free drinks at your wedding, Chris? It was at the early bit, wasn't it? Oh, wasn't it oh was it okay oh free champagne i think at some point and was there a second meal provided there was lots of food throughout the day we part i tell you what me and nico both show people so we've organized like this is i'm going to have a wedding season this is like this huge colossal event really for a lot of people that requires so much which people are not primed for they are not experienced in hosting live events so me and nicola we booked the day we organized the day primarily around making sure that 100 odd people were fed and watered at regular intervals.

I've been to some mad weddings where it's like beautiful. The bride is beautiful. The venue is beautiful. There's an hour and a half coach ride between the wedding venue and the reception hall. It's like that's not acceptable. I had a lovely time at yours. Good shuttle bus service as well.

No, it was a taxi it was a cheap taxi it was very close like we made sure it was while walking distance and Bradford taxis aren't that expensive are they

no Bradford and we got married in Saltaire which is a very beautiful part of Bradford as my friend Matt said from Cambridge who's married to a lady who's married to my friend

Shona from Bradford I went to school with, Matt said, Salterre is so nice, it makes you forget you're in Bradford. You know what I mean? And you know it's in Bradford because at the end of the night,

my best man, Zach, had to like, some guy was coming in and going through everyone's bags. So Zach had to like, like shout him out at a venue and do you know what I mean? Chaos. But that's pure Bradford that

What was the deal with Saltair? Was that some sort of like social experiment or something? From memory it was Sir Titus Salt because that's what the Wimberspoons in Bradford was named, Sir Titus Salt was like, I want to say a Mormon but maybe you want a Mormon but some

sort of heavily devout religious christian type business magnate who basically built a town to support his you know like built the like housing to support his factory his mill yeah wouldn't be quite quaker maybe it wouldn't be mormon because mormons, aren't they? Quaker, somewhat like that. Do you know? Baptist. Baptist, one of them. No offence, but come on.

So he built basically the housing. And from what I understand, and I should look into it more. You're not going to. Nah, no. But being like a religious tyrant, like he had lots of thoughts and opinions about like how people should live their life and stuff like social engineering,

which is really interesting. Like the history of working men's clubs and stuff probably coming out of a similar era of like the late 1800s and stuff. Originally, working men's clubs were, the genesis of them was basically what they were meant to be they were built by the upper classes and they were meant to sort of be a meeting place between different stratas of society so the like the upper classes would that's when it would meet with the working

classes and basically a very lofty ideals enrich the intellectual and spiritual lives of the working classes, which over a generation devolved into the working classes getting absolutely battered on fosters. And no upper class people ever going in them ever again. What are you thinking, James? It feels like you've got something on your screen, James. Yeah, it feels like you've gone quiet for about, I'd say, a full 15 minutes there. Two things happened. Two things happened.

All right. First of all, I was trying to work out how much physical space 10,000 pound coins would take up. Oh, for fuck's sake, this. And then I went on a website and then I clicked on a link and then it took me to a Google drive document that was like, Oh, here's a way of like putting in, you can input your money and it will tell you how much physical space. So you click, you click to link and then, Oh James, I've just got a text

off you. It says, it says Ray-Bans $9.99. And then I was like what happened to I've got someone else's Google Drive is it alright to click on someone else's Google Drive link so I've just been Googling that for a little bit and then I thought actually Sunil probably knows is it safe to click on someone else's Google Drive link well I sent you both a Google we use Google Drive links between us

oh yeah it's safe yeah Google, safest company yeah but it's like an intimate an intimate space between podcasters is our google drive oh i said that anyone who has the link can edit it yeah yeah but we're not sending it to some stranger are we no but that's what this people these people was this a fresh document because i was just looking at the old document i said i copied and pasted the old one and changed a few lines. So what's the answer

to the quid conundrum? I got too scared of deleting my Google account. I just, I think it belies to the character of the man that he will not engage in the vigorous debate of the working men's club

who said he'll go on his little computer trying to basically try to trick me and say that i was wrong no no no it was i was just genuinely interested how much physical space a body's worth of pound coins would take up because it's not going to be as big as a body so i think it would fit in your carry-on, but you have got to be able to bench press quite a lot. So just to summarise, 10,000 quids is 87.9 kilos. 87.5 kilos, I believe. That's 10,000 quids. And how many quids is he bringing back each trip?

Well, 10 grand is your limit, right? Money limit, is it, from China? I think so. Well, I think into the UK, I think so. Well, if you were doing that as well, if you were running this enterprise and there was no crimes being broken, would you not just pay?

You would build a network of people going in and out and you would say, listen, 500 quid to catch this fight and go to London for a day and come back. Actually, that's how much you have to declare. That's the limit you have to declare at, sorry. 10 grand. I just think at some point the number of quids will dwindle and it won't be restocked with old sofas and more quids

as quickly as he'll take it out. He's got to restock the pond. I understand, but just think for one second, Sonal. Think, you're having your little Milky Bar yogurt that you have every morning. You have, you have that. You wash it out, you put it in the bin every morning. Yeah, I'm not chucking a quid in the bin every day, am I?

No, but what I'm saying is- And how many times a year am I chucking a sofa out? I don't think you can quite get your head around how big the world is and how many little bits of things there are in it. No, I understand that the world is big and there's lots of little things in it i'm just saying how much of this specific thing is there that's all i'm saying chris i don't think you understand how many times you've mentioned this little yogurt pot have you started a document have you been like keeping a mark have you got a little document that shows you how many times

i talk about things ai will now do it for us. Buy bigger yoghurts, Chris, if it's that much of a problem for you. Are you buying single yoghurts? You shouldn't be buying single yoghurts. Yeah, you get a large Greek yoghurt, add a bit of honey and nuts to it in a bowl. Yeah, flip it. Flick it at the kid. Individual yoghurts.

What a waste. Lord Fauntleroy. No, no, no, no. This is, don't turn this into a different issue. It's 50 working class. He's having a Rolo yogurt every morning. They're proper Petit Filous as well. They're not knockoffs.

Is he having Petit Filous? He has two teaspoons. No, no, I'm not posh. I am the voice of the working classes. This is confirmed. This is locked in. These are the personas. I am the voice of the working classes. This is confirmed. This is locked in. These are the personas. I am the voice of the working

classes that went and studied at Lancaster University. The voice of the working classes. Alright, Chris. But your mate hires Chinese peasants to go through landfills? I don't think... I suspect the word peasants probably is in,

bang on. So something to think about, James. Honorable working men, that's how I say it. Sorry, I was quoting, quote marks around that for what Chris said earlier, the voice of the working class has said earlier. I think it alludes to, obviously, obviously since I've talked about this game

you tried to belittle the point a bit because deeply jealous we are deeply jealous of somebody who's got a hack that's managed to make a scam yeah i love it absolutely love it chris do you remember and i mean this might be a bit of law for the listeners but when we all first started doing comedy there was a night called the crying duck and there it had an offshoot night which was an open mic and james had to mc that every bloody week yes and we well i remember going down and going i don't know how you sit through this james every week you had to sit in a cellar on the caledonian road and just absolutely bomb not saying you bombed everywhere i'm saying like there was no audience not not every week on the Caledonian Road and just absolutely bomb. Not saying you bombed every week.

I'm saying like there was no audience. Not every week. No, it was just comedians, yeah, and in the loosest possible time. Oh, you had to do the admin of dealing with essentially sort of a number of, I'd say about 60% of them were mentally ill in some way. Yeah. And then you had to manage their expectations.

And they all had to go on first. Oh, well, because they needed to get off and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they couldn't get down the stairs in some of their crutches sometimes. Yeah, I met Alistair Beckett King. That's where I remember talking to him, playing old computer. Some of the best times of your life. Some of them are brilliant. Also life. Some of it like brilliant.

Also, sometimes where you're like, Christ. But also, like a few years ago, there was like, a couple of years ago, three years ago, there used to be a website a million years ago called Comedy CV, which was basically like a Flash era website, something like that, from the early 2000s that was set up to basically be like a... And I think it's still up now.

I think someone must be paying to host it still. Someone's tweeting out a picture from it every so often. I don't know whether they do that anymore, but they did it a lot. But it's basically, it was set up to kind of be... It was before we had personal websites, wasn't it? Oh, it's meant to be like linkedin for comedy want it so you put your lists on you put your you put your credentials on yeah well you put your cv up one page per person and yeah he's not on it james isn't on it what no not even under older comedians physical physical or prop based. The entire homepage has a list of, yeah,

A to Z list of comedians and neither of you are on it. You have to submit your own details, don't you? How to put your CV on this website. The headline article, comedy CV, new acts on the UK comedy circuit, we rate December, 2017. Wow. There's some names.

Goodness. Yeah. But I'll tell you what, with that, the thing, someone during lockdown started, basically delved into it and started grabbing bits

and quotes and pictures and doing a Twitter account. And it was so funny because there's a lot of mad people on there. Bill Bailey's on it. Yeah, yeah. There's some famous people

earlier in their career. It's really interesting. Should we just quickly bring it back to the core strengths of this podcast and have a quick segment where we discuss james's new anchor battery pack yes so just to update listeners james has got a power bank tell us more about that james well in the whatsapp chat for this podcast that we have that also has producer, other producer, John in. It was very,

yeah. I mean, he's a very silent producer. Silent producer, John. He told me he's muted. He's muted the group. What?

Is it after I sent that Marge Simpson picture? Don't worry about that. Edit, edit that out. We cannot put that in the, in the Patreon. Yeah. He asked for a battery pack reference.

No, a battery pack recommendation off Sunil. And you gave him this one. It was like 16 pounds. And I thought, let's dive in. I need to, I trust Sunil.

I trust his battery pack recommendations. I did it. I clicked the, that button that got you an extra one pound 60 off. That's right. Yeah. 10% off. What does that mean?

Am I signed up for something? Should I be worried about that? Is that like the. You signed up for discount. That's it. Nice. That's how good it is, that button. I'm signed up for that.

And yeah, I've been using it all the time. Have you? I don't even need to. It's just fun to use a battery pack, isn't it? Yeah. Just like sat at my desk. I've got loads of plugs in front of me. I'm using my battery pack for it. Yeah.

I tell you what, since I've done it, since I've had one, pack for it. Yeah. I tell you what, since I've done it, since I've had one, very much changed my life. It's been useful since the nights I've drawn in for my bike light as well. Because if I forget to charge my bike light, I can just charge it. Boom.

But what I want to know about care, care for the battery. Right. Well, you don't want to run it down past like 20% but usually ah okay it's like a phone isn't it you charge it between 20 to 80 you knew you seem to know more about that than me as well this is what I assume to be right just because my phone has a setting saying not charge above 80% just to preserve the battery do I want to be using it as much as I am or would I be all right to leave it for a week, say,

and then use it in an emergency situation? Yeah, of course. Yeah, it won't run down that much over that time. Mm-hmm. Cool. Well, I mean, I'll update again. Yeah, great. Next week, if possible.

Showed it to a workmate, and he was like, oh, what's the milliamps or something on it? Oh, what? I don't know that. It's like, he was like, oh. Just say a million. He said, oh on it? Oh, what? I don't know that. It's like, he was like, oh. Just say a million. He said, oh, it's a thousand. That's good.

So I was like, yeah, yeah. The guy, the guy. Is that how hard it pushes it out? Don't know. I just said, yeah, the guy who recommended me knows what he's talking about. Thank you. Send in my comedy CV.

I can't find you under... I looked under some of the categories that I thought I might find you on. Is there categories? At the top. Asian comedians, the first one. There's clean or family-friendly, cockney. No, I'm not in it.

I didn't submit myself to it. Yeah, who knew? Son-il doing something that could potentially further his career in terms of marketing, and he didn't do it. Who knew? I just didn't think it was worth it. Young comedians. Okay.

18 to 30. Oh, impressionist comedians. Is that people who do impressions? Yeah, it is, yeah. I've just done that. I've done the penguin. Yeah, I'm the penguin. You know what I mean?

I got a really bad foot you know what i mean put the dusting there my just on my big pc it's not fixed did anyone get like have a look at it no because i just don't have the time i'm in the middle of i'm in a i'm in a bit of a crunch period so um i can't get to carlisle i can't unplug my pc i just haven't got the time to drive into carlisle so it might be a job for deepest december and what's up with your computer now because all that's listed here is that something about the keyboard yeah the the x like it's an rgb keyboard what does that the the X like it's an RGB keyboard what does that mean the

it means it's like it looks really cool it lights up the like but the X the light on the X button has gone out

but don't worry about that don't read anything into that you've been going on with the the app formerly known as Twitter what are we

James we've done 47 minutes I was going to launch into talking about yeah but it's mainly You've been going on the app formerly known as Twitter. What are we, James? We've done 47 minutes. I was going to launch into talking about... Yeah, but it's mainly about quids. It was a bit... No, there's quids. Oh, yeah, and then your wedding. Weddings, general.

Who the fuck is Mr... What the fuck are you on? Who the fuck is Mr. Salt? Oh, yeah, no, that's... Jimmy Crisp. What was his name? Mr. Salt. Jimmy Crisp. What was his name Mr Salt Jimmy Crisp

what was his name Lord Jimmy Crack Salt and I don't care I don't know what's happening I'm losing track well there's another one thing that I do

want to pull out of that that seemed to have got swept under yeah your mum's Dutch yeah is your mum Dutch what do you mean my mum's Dutch

you said no Dutch Dutch death cleaning is what he said no no, no, no, no. Which I don't think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm saying it's... Like a Dutch oven. I think... In case that audio sound was there,

that was James doing the symbol for three tucks on a dube. Do you know what we should do for the live show? Get smoked out. No. Hot Pucks the Bill Murray. We should do for the live show? Get smoked out. No. Hot box the Bill Murray. We should do an A3 print. Don't come.

Don't panic. We won't be hot boxing the Bill Murray. I don't. I'm not a drug man. But when I done a weed once, I rubbed my eye so much it bled. So we'll be free and sober. But what we should do is get an A3 print that says free smoking dupes and he can buy that as merch.

Nice. Oh, yeah, nice. Can we each have a different speech bubble? Yeah. What are you going to say? I want to say I like the Pope. The Pope smokes dope. Okay.

I'll say toke me to your leader. Nice. Toke me to your dealer? toke me to your leader nice take me to your dealer talk me to your dealer yeah yeah come on oh no it doesn't work because i'm not an alien is it i they'll get the vibe i will say excel bullies here free okay i was saying a different thing though which is good good. No, it's not your fault, Christian. There were only two phrases for those. We're improvising. There are no wrong. You can't be wrong in improvising.

Yes, and? Yes, and I'm not wrong. And another Excel bully. So your mum's not Dutch. You know she's not Dutch. She's very, very from Yorkshire. My mum started not Dutch? No, she's not Dutch. She's very, very from Yorkshire. My mum started doing Dutch death cleaning, which is preparing admin-wise for her being dead.

And every time she says that, I think we've got another couple of mums at least, mum. Come on. My dad used to do that in a way in that he said he didn't want any fuss made and he just wanted to walk out into a field like an old elephant oh okay they they go to the graveyard themselves don't they yeah which i mean that is like nice and poetic but the reality is a kentish farmer will just find a corpse a dog a dog or a jogger a dog will find it he'll be found by a jogger

yeah no that's not nice I guess I don't know what is the best way to end it I'm gonna have my head cut off attached to a I'm gonna like dead brain deaths happened

they attach my head do you know what I mean they put CDs or USB sticks with like examples of human culture and send them into deep space. I'll do that.

I'll put my head in with one of them, fire it into space. It'll go into a black hole. My head will land on this planet that's really tiny, so my head's massive. It's like frozen in deep space. And people like sort of build a religion around my head. They worship the head or

they reanimate me and I have adventures on the other side of the globe I think if we get that in a small enough font that could be in your speech bubble

what I'm going to do is if I know it's my time I'm going to buy I'm going to go on auto trader I'm going to buy a 2017 Volvo

S60 D4R designed Lux Nav Auto with Polestar tune I'm going to buy a 2017 volvo s60 d4r designed lux nav auto with polestar tune i'll go fucking smash it straight into a sainsbury's and i'll be there holding your hand like felma and louise producer james in the boot i'm not even ill yeah Yeah, we've got to, if we're all, if two of us are dying, we're all dying.

If Sunil goes, it's like when It's too safe a car to die in. It's like when a Pharaoh went and all the slaves were buried. We're going with Sunil. You're decapitated in the front seat because you've done the head thing. You've sent the head

off no seat belts but you can have some travel suites can i we thought we must be wrapping up soon wasn't we jim yeah we must could i read one letter that we've had just it's in response to jasper's letter that we got about bins and it's from nick so So, hello Nick. Hello Nick. It says hi lads. Hello. Loving the show, I've just listened to this week's episode and felt compelled to follow up on Jasper's letter. I feel

it was so interesting and informative they deserve some kind of special acknowledgement. I'm not sure if any of you boys are familiar with the weekly sci-fi apology comic 2000 ad yes yeah just a bit it's nominally controlled by a fictional alien editor frag the mighty who will occasionally bestow the krill to fargo award on readers who have helped advance the cause of thrill power. I think that rural concerns

needs an equivalent award for special contributions and that Jasper should be the first recipient. Perhaps you could even come up with a special award sting to play when you hand one out. Don't use it too often though, the awards must be bestowed sparingly or they'll be devalued. Anyway, for what it's worth, my general waste bin is black and in my area you can either have a green plastic wheelie for recycling or a blue fabric gold proof bag bag within the recycling must be stored in translucent pink bags. 72 up, 115 down.

Wow. Ah, one final thing as well. One, one final thing. I think we're past the point of pretending that James is simply the producer rather than a fully fledged and indispensable third host. Fuck.

He should own it and start introducing himself by full name in the intro and be added to the podcast artwork. I understand he's a very tall man. So if he's not comfortable with showing his face, perhaps we could just be drawn from the waist down, looming over you and Sunil. Keep up the good work, Nick. Is your mum called Nick?

No, it's not. It's Nick. It's not the Dutch spelling. Lovely. Thank you for that. Thanks, Nick. I mean, I won't say indispensable, but yeah, it's all right. No, I need to be able to go down a little rabbit hole

about checking if I've compromised my Google Drive safety. Yeah, we need to know. We need James to know that it can be replaced at a moment's notice. Thanks for listening to Rural Concerns. Do we have any live shows to promote? Oh, thanks for bringing it to my attention, James. Yes, it's my show. It's Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated. It's called Easily Swayed, and we are at the Soho Theatre

from the 4th to the 7th of December. Come on down. Wow. Yeah, wow. But what can you tell us about this critically acclaimed show, Chris? It's a lot of fun. It's about middle-aged male friendships and wearing a cape. It's not for 20-somethings.

If you are 20-something listening to this, do not come to the show. Where else should they not come to the show? 20-somethings should stay indoors in Manchester, Bristol, Leeds, Edinburgh, Leicester and Barnard Castle. And just a reminder, we're also doing our first ever Rural Concerns Live on Saturday the 1st of February. It's the Bill Murray in London.

And loads of the tickets are sold now. Well, this is it. This is why we've pivoted hard into Chris Cantrell tours because this one's on its way to being sold out. Is it? Oh. You can still get tickets, can't you? You can still get tickets,

but we're over two thirds sold now. Not long left. You can go to alovelytime.co.uk to get some of those tickets. And don't forget that you can just email us, like Nick did talking to us with great ideas about the Creamy Award. The email address is christopher at alovelytime.co.uk. And Rural Concerns is an independent podcast. The best way to support us is via Patreon.

That's it. And for less than a fiver, what you'll get is like regular bonus episodes. And you can also get in the Discord server, which is called The Creamy, where it's like a sort of court of owls of three thinkers in their very deep into the 30s, 40 and 50s right well what are they actually talking about there well right now i honestly i've not been in the last couple of days because i'm

i'm consumed i mean i'm open against a deadline and i can say that they're like and they're talking about stuff that i found very interesting so i'm like i need to stay away from this just for 24 hours uh they're they're asking for recommendations of beard oil. Oh, are they? Aesop. Well, you can get advice like that actually only on the Patreon. Support us now by heading to

patreon.com forward slash rural concerns. Yeah, you can leave us a five-star review on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Has to be five stars, mind. Why, what happens if they give us a four-star rating? I'll stand outside your house and bang bacon trays together till you cry.

Best put five stars then. Best put five stars. Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph Catford-Burrows. Our music is by Sam O'Leary and our artwork is by Poppy Ilstead. Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for

A Lovely Time Produ time productions as a reward for listening to the end here's an inspirational quote from the 48 laws of power this is law number 35 master the art of timing never seem to be in a hurry hurrying betrays a lack of control over yourself and over time always seem patient as if you know that everything will come to you eventually become a detective of the right moment. Sniff out the spirit of the times, the trends that will carry you to power. Learn to stand back when the time is not yet ripe, and to strike fiercely when it has reached fruition.

I really like become a detective of the right moment. That's great. Yeah. I don't know what it means. No, that does sound cool, though. I think it's like strike while the iron's hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just like, yeah.

Search out the moment. Be bad at jogging. Don't rush in really into it saying just. There'll be another bus. Rather than doing stuff all the time, do less stuff sometimes. And if you are listening to this and you give us, get in touch and tell us if you've not done something and it's actually done more. Let us know if you work smart but not hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let us know if you rise and grind. No, no, the other thing. Right, what are you eating? I'm eating grapes. I'm eating grapes. Every time I've realised like a problem's been happening

because like every, I sort of treat these recordings, you know, like my night out, like having a laugh with my mates. So like every time we do one, it's like treats. Treats for me. But the problem that's, the pattern that's

emerging is, we record these quite frequently. I've like put on half a stone. I need to rein it back in. We need carrots and hummus next time. Carrots and hummus. Yeah, that's the last ever episode of the podcast. Not doing it unless I'm

inhaling cheap sweets. What about you, James? What are you eating? I just had a date, a medjool date. Do you know, apparently in the... Oh, I don't want to get this wrong. Is it calories? No.

No, apparently in the United Arab Emirates. Yeah. The dates, like, they're free. What? What? Bong. Like that.