Rural Concerns - Deep cleans, compost & secret handshakes

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

The lads reveal a secret the Masons don't want you to know! James is doing his bi-annual clean, Chris eyes up a new hobby and Sunil has become romantically entangled with a robot. Also, can we just give a shout out to all the lovely ladies?   Want to see the lads live? Rural Concerns is coming to the London Podcast Show TONIGHT!   You can watch Chris’ Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated show! He’s heading to the Wells Comedy Festival and finishing the tour in Newcastle Upon Tyne on 14th June! Check it out on his international website.    Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery.   Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello and welcome to Rural Concerns, a podcast where three men discuss weird countryside business and big city curiosities. My name is Chris Cantrell and I live in the countryside. And as a born-again country gen, I spend my days wandering the fields, searching for ancient secrets and studying historical texts. Occasionally, my studies take me into a field during breeding season. I find an old tree trunk, pour myself a flask stewed brew, and watched that tup go. My name is Sunil Patel, and I

live in London. I'm a nocturnal being who spends the night prowling Whitechapel. Is this where you were at, Rory? Okay. My name is Sunil Patel, and I live in London. I'm a nocturnal being who spends the night prowling Whitechapel, just like my

hero Jack the Ripper. Walking those streets transports me back to Victorian England, and I imagine myself stalking my quarry whilst using my privilege to mask my crimes from the clueless bobbies. As long as it's in my mind, I haven't done anything wrong. Were you writing this while we're recording the episode later? I think the listener will be able to tell. No, honestly, honestly, it was just great. It was just fortune.

It was. He's misspelled Whitechapel as well. Ooh, you got me there. Ow! Oh, yeah. Ooh, yeah. I bet he thinks it's Houston Station. My name is James Shakeshaft,

and I live in a suburban cul-de-sac of a gentrified community. I speak with great warmth to the old lad who lives two doors down. I share his horror at how this area has become so expensive, but privately, I think it's absolutely wicked that pints cost eight pounds. His misery is the food which feeds my property investment. Gentlemen, shall we discuss the matters of the day? Let's get recording because it is spring cleaning day in my house. To what grade? Is it the full day? This is deep. This is moving the utensil holder in the kitchen and cleaning behind that.

And, like a little tip, cleaning the utensil holder. I mean, I'm not taking the utensils out of the utensil holder to clean it. I'm not, you know, we've not murdered anyone. No, no, this is a deep clean down to the, they need to turn that UV light on. And that's the last thread joining that. The only thing is there's no evidence physically tying that man to your house once that stains's been removed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, is this the sort of thing only homeowners do? What, clean? Deep clean. Yeah, you've got to deep clean. That's like, you know, once a quarter, once a, well, twice a year, twice a year. You deep clean when you're kicked out. That's when you deep clean to get your deposit back.

Oh, we're constantly running down our deposit. That's the thing about being a homeowner. Your deposit is emotions and it's constantly being just chipped away. Right. When I lived in London, I pretty much moved once, at least once a year for a full decade

because that was easier than cleaning. Do you know what I mean? Just move it. Whereas now it's like, I think, do you know, there's a few things in that cleaning is a thing where it makes me, you know, like that and hairs around your bummer. I'm like, God, why? Because of dirt.

Do you know, because of the constant there's the constant something about the loop like if you start looking at dust I think you start going mad do you know what I mean potato potato cause and effect there

if you're just staring at dust I think you've already gone mad dust where just like drifting around you? Just drifting around. Just builds up. It's just the constantness. Yeah. Do you ever use to have a cleaner?

No, I don't have a cleaner. We've had one, and because that's basically, you know, however much a month to not have arguments. That's what the fee is. But our previous one has gone and we tried out a new one and she did one go and then she's not got back in

contact. So our house must be a shitter. Oh, right. So what, they just gave up on your house? They gave up on us as people. Obviously, Sunil, don't clean. House gets too... No, I do clean. Grease too thick. He leaves... No. Grease stabilises his coffee cup

I've got the old robo rock now haven't I oh yeah you got a robot mate yeah I used it once because there's too much stuff on the

floor at the moment it's a bit of a hassle bit of a hassle and you had to build a ramp you had to build a ramp so it could

get into your bed no that's good stuff. That is dangerous. So guys, if anyone's listening, do not get sucked off by a robot vacuum cleaner. The brushes are quite abrasive. And it doesn't know when to stop. That sort of thing.

That and Oover. Oover feels like we haven't got carpet in like 60% of the house. We've got two. We've got one, two, three rooms that have carpet. I've only got three rooms in total. Yeah, the further fares are all floorboards out. So I can't unleash a robot in there because it'd be just sucking up like masonry and nails and stuff.

Do you know what I mean? It'd kill the robot. Yeah, but once that's done. I was asking about cleaners because I'm interested because it feels very bourgeois. But I had a friend who's got one who's like, she's my friend Claire, who lives down the road from me. And Claire's like, she works in a school.

Kids are special maids and stuff. Her husband's a teacher. So they're not some like millionaire tech bros or something like that, do you know? But they've got a cleaner for a few hours a week. And because I've been very, like, I think Nicole would have a cleaner almost immediately. But I was like, I don't want it.

It don't feel right. But then talking it through, it's's like it's not the 1950s anymore no but you're are you worried about feeling you know she'll be knocking around the house you'll be knocking around the house and the cleaner the cleaner will be cleaning while you're just like podcasting or something and it will make you feel guilty won't it i think the cleaner cleaning while i am at home but i'm at home working i. I'm very busy, but it's another, it's another like loose bit of grasp on my working class identity. It's not working class to, to, to not have a cleaner.

That's not one of the things, is it? I think it's part of it. Is it? Yeah. There's loads of stuff people say is working class. And it's like, what, this ever-expanding list? One of the things is just gravy. Like, I don't understand it.

I've seen this list before. Yeah, well, if you have middle-class people, what do they have? A jus. Yeah, that's what they say. They have a jus. They have a book like a reduction, don't they? You can't boil it down to a jus that easily. and they have you can't you can't boil it down to azure that easily no but you can't i don't think you can say just because i've got a cleaner i've

now sold out my roots exactly do you know i mean i'm still the beat poet of the street yes james you look like you have a question well that's the thing is work is class to do is it to do with the amount of money you've got because it's often argued that it isn't so and presumably to i suppose the thing is that to have a cleaner is to indicate that you have enough money spare to pay for someone to do a job that most you know you could do yourself right yeah or is it the idea of employing someone that's not working class? I think it's, is it that? I think it's that, isn't it?

Because do you manufacture your own mobile phone? That's interesting as a question. Isn't it? And the answer, yeah. All I know is I'm still, you know, still Dre, still. I did notice you put on your working class voice when you started talking about your mate. You go ever so slightly deeper and go, hello, rather than hello.

I've got a range of characters and variations of my voice. Nicola's pointed out I've got. Is two a range? No, but I've got a type of, I've got a little role that I slip into when I'm talking to shop staff. What's that? Which is... It's like...

It's like... Oh, I've seen that. I have seen that. Hey, you okay? Like, it's... Nicola laughs at it, but I might basically, in my head, I think playing the mayor.

The mayor of the town, you know, like, pressing the flesh. I thought that was just you trying to get a good deal in FOP. Be like, guys, come on. Although they might be coming back now, you know. Could I get four DVDs? Just for the listener, he is, when he says, hello, he's sort of rubbing his hands together.

He's rubbing his little hands together at the same time as if he's coming in to make a deal. I'm doing that. I'm opening my arms wide, the body gesture. Please, let's in to make a deal i'm doing that i'm opening my arms wide the body gesture please let's have a good time while i'm in your shop so now do you do you have a cleaner i don't have a cleaner but i i should we should probably get one soon that's the i i mean i've got lots to do around the house at the moment but i'm not going to do it so yeah and as your as your quest for a house which you could clean stalled it stalled a

little bit because i don't like how expensive houses are which i think is a legitimate reason but at the moment we've still got quite a lot of stuff around the house that has to be thrown out or that like helen might have left a couple of things here that need to be thrown out as well. So there's stuff everywhere. Yeah. Breaking Helen Bauer, comedian Helen Bauer, maliciously fly tipping, leaving fly tipping materials in Sunil's house. Yeah.

Yeah, left half a chair, bag of old clothes and a Cadbury's box full of old Zippo lighters. Oh, Zippo? Yeah, I think they were inherited. Oh, really? I think she's either forgotten them or she wants me to fly tip them. Have they got images on them?

Are they decaled? Are they like American Eagles and stuff? I don't know if this can stay in the podcast, but she inherited them off like a relative, I think maybe last year, and he's just collected them. And one of them has got the masonic symbol on it really i the masons are they're they're going large they're advertising for people they've they've

realized that being a weird secret society is bad for business bad for seo like i've i've seen ad like i've been served adverts maybe it's the other things I'm clicking on. Have you, have either of you had any connections with the Masons? I was always told that my granddad was offered the chance to be in the Masons but turned it down. But I think that's a bit like the other stories I've heard about my family, though. Also, it's just not an impressive thing. Do you know what I mean?

It's basically basically when you get closer to them the symbolism and the law of the masons is wicked but i've got to give it like basically nicola's uncle i think is it was a mason or is a mason but he was the head of a lodge in manchester or something like that and he gave, because I thought I'd just be like, oh, what's that like? I want to clarify for the record, I did not at any point really show interest. I hate secret clubs of men.

Do you know what I mean? Largely, if men were allowed to stop meeting in secret or if men couldn't have meetings behind closed doors without someone watching it or recording it, the world would be a better place. or if men couldn't have meetings behind closed doors without other people, without someone watching it or recording it, the world would be a better place. Do you know what I mean? We have meetings behind closed doors.

Yeah, but honestly, if we had someone there taking notes, recording us with a camcorder, I think it'd be just better for everybody. But so he went, so he gave me this book on masons and basically was like stuff like it do you know like the mystery of it starts to evaporate so the secret handshakes that they do it's like that the boot the origins of that were back in ye olde times what's over there the pyramids that oak, it's a new sapling. Do you know what I mean? The past.

There was like the masons. Basically, what you didn't have is a LinkedIn profile. What you didn't have is like any sort of digital verification, a certificate, this sort of thing. You trained under- No two-step. Exactly. No two-step verification.

You trained under a No two-step. Exactly. No two-step verification. You trained under a master mason, and basically they taught you the handshake so that you could use the handshake. But the only way that you prove, in the olden times, the only way to really prove that you're a mason is by being given a chisel and a big block of stone and like, get cracking with that lad. So the handshake is a way of basically confirming to another employer

that you are up to par on these skills. And when you explain it like that, it's logical and it's kind of boring. It's not like this is the side of the devil. This is Bahamut, the devil, the goat-headed devil. It's like this is basically like ancient LinkedIn, and it's dry. Which I suppose is the thing, and the reason it's, you could argue, I don't know, you know, I think any form of secret type thing like that is open to the corruptions of people being,

people will corrupt that sort of stuff in all sorts of different ways that we don't need to get into but the the whole sort of weirdness why well like you hear stuff about like if you're if you're a mason you give the handshake to a policeman you get off without a speeding ticket kind of thing what I don't think that's necessarily true. But also the reason these sort of rumours may have come about is because it is a working class secret society or this is a working class club. And if you, as the ruling classes, wanted to besmirch it,

that would be a good idea. Just call them pedos, don't you? Yeah. Sunil, what if i told you that jack the ripper was a mason what do you think about that i don't think anyone knows who jack the ripper is he's probably not actually one person also if there was one person who was jack the ripper he would have used the tube yeah true james i don't like the way chris is smiling throughout this don't worry about it so right can I tell you one more thing about masons?

Obviously, I'm worried about it now, aren't I? Yeah. Don't just move on quickly because I know this is going to come back. Are you luring us to say like a bunch of words and then you're going to re-edit it or something? Can I tell you one thing about masons? So, Boonies Uncle, basically, because I was not interested again not interested in it

but it's basically when it's like a dweeby subculture I like like you know like the Harley Davidson the people that own

Harley Davidson no don't get into biker gangs again please stop it the dweebs the dweebs but it's like I want to

I want to just like I want to go in and poke my head around and get the wind of it so apparently once a year everything's's closed doors, this lodge. It's a room, it's secret, it's, do you know what I mean? And what it really is, is it's a professional networking thing.

But once a year they have this thing called, I can't remember the exact terminology, but it's like ladies night where the wives are invited plus guests so me and nicola went with my mother and father-in-law to this greater manchester lodge with the uncle to enjoy ladies night and it was mostly like do you know like food that's like a prawn cocktail and a melon starter do you know what i mean like that grade of a food but there was just this awesome bit where this old lad sang like a song for the ladies it was like him walking through the room was it Nelly with a wine glass with a wine glass singing like oh lovely ladies how lovely are ye be like like a song like this and he walked up to several ladies like

the lodge master's wife obviously the the great dame of the of the lodge and like did this special cheers where he's like clinking on the bottom of the glass clinking at the top and clinking on the side do you know what i mean so it was this like little ritual but it was him crooning. Why do they make it so weird? Lovely, lovely. Oh, how lovely do they be. And every now and again, every now and again, I'll just do it for Nicola and walk through the house,

like holding a wine glass. It was like that sort of thing. Otherwise, other than that, it was a boring night. No magic. We weren't allowed in the magic room where they do magic. So I was like that sort of thing. Otherwise, other than that, it was a boring night. No magic. We weren't allowed in the magic room where they do magic. So I was like, this is a bit of a, this is a dry trip. But that lovely lady dance was like, this is wicked.

Is that just a sort of example of what happens when you leave boys to be boys? Boys to be boys. Make sure you give a really special cheers, like bottom, top, side, middle. That's how you get the girls. That's how you get the girls. But you see them, if you go around in London and you go around that Holborn area,

where the big, the mega lodges. Yeah. It is a very impressive building, unsurprisingly. The building is insane. The building's like old, powerful. Do you know what I mean? Made by people who specifically are good at working with stone. Made by people who are good at working with stone.

Made by people that definitely worship the devil. It's like wicked. What? No. Don't. James. James. Don't.

No, because that's the. I did that. There's nothing. There's a real reason to be suspicious and down on them. But if you make nonsense up, then that dilutes the bollocks. No, James, we're going to keep that in. As the episode header, we're going to put the secrets the Masons don't want into them. Is this like that Harvard, everything they teach you at Harvard Business School?

Yeah. Everything they don't teach you. Yeah. Go on. But they've got, the ones in Holborn, they walk around with these big, they've got mad suitcases, haven't they? I don't know anything about these lads. Sonal, you must have been having a little, you must have, listen to me, you must have

been having a little beer at some point around the Holborn area. I've seen that building. Yeah, yeah. Have you seen those lads coming out of the building? No, I've never seen any lads coming out of it. Never seen a lad coming out of it. There's always, they're like chapter heads and stuff like that. People from the regional.

Oh, is that the head office? It's the head office. They're coming down all the time. What do they look like? Like just blokes in suits that's slightly, blokes with beer bellies, slightly ill-fitting suits. And they've got big cases, which I think is, carries a robe. Yeah.

I think there is some special clothing. There's like an apron or something, special gear that you have to wear. So we've been talking like left and right sort of slander about the Masons. So what I'm proposing is the Masons have definitely infiltrated the world of podcasting. They listen to everything. So we will, Rural Concerns will enter the, specifically Sunil Patel,

will enter the Grand Lodge and be the king of the Masons for a day. Is that the next Project After Leak Club? Oh, no. The next Project After Le League Club is Irish dancing. Is that what you were doing in that video? No. I'm trying to teach myself Irish dancing because I can't quite be bothered with League Club

and I went to watch Sinners and there was some Irish dancing in it and I was like, that was really cool. I think I'm going to just do that as a job instead. Do you mean like river dance? Like flat lay? Yeah, sort of like, but you know what to just do that as a job instead. Do you mean like river dance? Like flat lay? Yeah, sort of like,

but, you know what I mean? Just like a cool, Where are you going to do this? I don't know. Just like, Lake Club's happening. It is happening.

Don't people lose faith in me. I'm still working hard every day. You've just said, I can't be bothered with Lake Club anymore. No, but, it's happening. It is happening.

Yeah, it's happening with or without you that's the problem it's just continuing to go on as leagues grow in the ground what's going is it is it time for a league club update yeah

you're gonna tell us there is a there is a countryside bit okay no no I've got it he's not rubbing his listener he's not rubbing his hands together now countryside, mate. Okay. Uh-oh. No, no, I've got it. He's not rubbing his... Listener, he's not rubbing his hands together now.

They were like... They were in a little sort of bridge in front of him, his fingers. Right, basically, we've been... So, I've got my topsoil, my nutritionalist topsoil. Yeah, you've pissed on it. So, I've got three bags of compost.

Pardon? Compost! You said that weird. I got three bags of compost and I've sliced them. No, come on, Chris, you're doing this on purpose. Hey! That's not how anyone says it it's Sunday morning and you're saying compost

come on put yourself together trying to sneak that into the podcast what are you trying to do here is this a mason thing I have emptied the compost into the top of the topsoil yeah

the leeks are currently in a little the leeks are currently in a little... The leeks are growing slowly but surely. James, I don't think he's been out to the garden for weeks. I have. I've been out this morning. Did you see a picture on Instagram? No.

Well, you two are going to be... I'm looking for obscene content. Eating your apologies. I'm going to be eating my apology, Chris. Look at that. Look at that. You sent it to the team WhatsApp. Oh, right.

Oh, right. Okay, yeah, fair enough. That's this morning before this call. No, fair play. You've been into the garden. So what that is, it's three bags of compost into the topsoil. And also, now, this is controversial, but do you know, we were told I got this rotted horse manure.

Martin, king of the League Club, said, whatever you do, don't use horse manure. Yes. Did this come out in the Mac shows? Do we need to put this on record in the podcast? This was sabotage, wasn't it? Is that right? He was telling you that, but it turns out he was wrong.

No, we're not accusing Martin of anything. His logic was that horse manure has too much nitrate in it, so it'll obliterate the leaks, you know? But several Google sources, you know, reliable Google Gemini, you know what I mean? She's, she's a crazy, she's a crazy gal Gemini.

You know what I mean? She says some mad stuff, but consistently like the Royal horticultural situation, it's society. It stands for, yeah. You know, that society.

Yeah. You know, the Royal horticultural society, they've said that society, yeah, situation. You know, the Royal Horticultural Society, they've said that horse manure is fine. So basically we've put one bag of horse manure into the thing. That's what I'm mixing in that picture. Oh. So whether it's right or not, time will tell.

But another development has happened with Leak Club. So the view is we're going to leave it for a week i've got the leaks in a little i don't know like a flower pot trench thing like a like an oblong and they're all in there and they're growing steadily and i'm looking after them i take them in and out so they spend the day outside then i bring them in at night so that they don't get slugs on them. So that's happening. But get this, Dave. Yeah.

Bloody Dave down the opposite road, my good friend, but sworn enemy recently with the league stuff. Oh, really? No, no. So he's got some little ones in pots and seeing them, I thought this is great because they looked sickly and weak compared to my minor growing mind getting bigger like okay I'm ahead

of Dave I see the problem here actually with your leagues do you know what's coming next because Richard is the hustler of the league club the one that came he's consistently come last but then this year I think this podcast he's

gonna come third from last i think this podcast is the one that's brought us into the pyramid so that he can move up but he's taking it very seriously this year so he's like he doesn't want to be bottom anymore and it's this podcast that's galvanized him into a state of action which does he listen he has listened yeah he's also given me a big bag of pc games which i accepted they come in a bag now do they they're not digital download i've got a bin bag full of like like with the big boxes no they're just like assassin's creed one do you know what i mean like okay right in cd anyway that's richard they're in my basement i Creed 1. Do you know what I mean? Okay, right. In CD.

Anyway, that's Richard. They're in my basement. I was too polite to say no, but I do have a disc drive. Shout out, Richard. Thank you for the PC games. Thanks for the PC games. But now he's taking it seriously. But he has sold Dave some leaks.

Oh. Do you know what? This is why Leak Club don't make. It doesn't make any sense. Is that allowed? Leet Club. Yeah, it is allowed. My friend, you don't have to grow them from seed.

Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. Good point. Yeah. You did say that. Yeah. Yeah. But that feels mad because now I've got my leeks that are coming along that I didn't

grow from seed, but Claire over the road gave me a pot, like a little pot of baby leeks. It makes sense because it's like all the work to grow it into a prize-winning leek is probably done after it's grown a little bit, isn't it? It's not from seed. But listen, let me – have I got a picture of these? No, I'll send you one after. No, no, because I've got my little i've got my little

small leaks it's spring imagine a spring onion is that what a small leak is i think they're called like welsh leaks aren't they in some places oh right do you know what the irish call spring onions what scallions yes and the americans that's kind of like, that's the like boost, isn't it, for the growth? It's basically like the crack cocaine of the fertiliser world. Like the protein shake of the plant. Yeah. Right. So that, if you give it too much, will it go, will it make the leagues expand sideways rather than up? Is that what you're trying to stop?

That's what we want. Oh. We want up. Yeah, so you have to judge the we want. Oh. We want up. Yeah, so you have to judge the amount of protein powder. We want girth. You want girth? Yes.

So we want them wider. One way to do this is... Would you win the contest with a leek chode? Yeah, would you win the contest with a five foot tall leek that was as thick as a frisbee? But there's a length limit answer my question would you win no if if if a leak was born that was five foot tall five inches tall if a leak was born that was five inches tall but as wide as a frisbee would you be the most famous man in the world answer that chris i think if you had birthed that man in the world? Answer that. Chris.

I think. If you had birthed that leak, would the world be on its knees? I think I'd be in a pamphlet, that's for sure. If you had a leak that was basically a plate with a green top and a white bottom, would that win? It can't be, no, because there is a, it needs, length is part of it. Yeah. Would that win? It can't be, no, because there is a, it needs, length is part of it. Yeah. But if it's over, if the white bit is over six and a half centimetres, I think, you can't submit it.

Really? Yeah. Right. So it's about. That's not much white bit. So it's about the girth. So one theory is that we heard, well, I was talking to Dave this week and he said what he's going to do is, when he

gets him in his bed, is to try and feed the area around the lake so that what they're thinking is that the roots search for the thing which makes the network, which makes them bigger, not just longer. And I said to Dave... So you want the roots to go outwards rather than downwards.

Yeah. So I said to Dave, so he's going to feed around the lake. So I said, Dave, how do you do that? And he said, I don't know. He doesn't want to tell you. He's got it worked out. Dave's as useless as I am. It's good to find fraternity in another useless man.

Someone which in my life I am not in short supply of. What? Welcome to Rural Concert. High-performing community leaders. Yeah. That's us. Wait a minute. Yeah.

Someone asked to use my brown bin on the street. I'm saying yes. I've got transitions lenses in my glasses. Yeah. Someone asked to use my brown bin on the street. I'm saying yes. I've got transitions lenses in my glasses. Yeah. Are these the words of losers? And come on. Exactly. Come on, Chris.

All right. Look. You're going to have a good time in this shop. For some reason, someone's written Chicago. Were you going to say something, James, after that? I'm not looking at the notes at the minute. So I was going to ask something more about

leaks. Oh, okay. It was just about the coffee grounds. I think we should do a city bit. I've put something in the city bit because I have a little bit of city thing to discuss. Tiny thing. Go on and then I'll give you my update on the outskirts of the city. Yeah, let's have a city bit.

Do you know my friend Lee, who is the dog sex correspondent? Yeah, I know dog sex correspondent. But he also wants to be the war. He wants to be. He pitched himself to me as the Warhammer correspondent. And I said, what even is that? And he sent me an article that was that somebody's making Warhammer models where the characters have nipples.

Do you know what I mean? And he went, that's a Warhammer. That's a bit of news. Sorry, just as a side issue, I forgot to tell you, Chris, I was reading an interesting article on how Nottingham became the world headquarters of miniature gaming. It's where it all kicked off, isn't it, for Warhammer? Yeah, and then it's spawned loads of little companies around it

that also do similar stuff. Citadel Miniatures. Citadel Miniatures. I'd love to go down. Do you think we've got listeners in? Do you think we've got enough? Like next year, maybe, we could do a symposium-type mega... Do you think we could do a live show in Nottingham,

in the Warhammer? I think we ought to do, we ought to try, even though I know nothing about Warhammer. I'm going to ask my mate who's been, whether they've got an event hall. Oh yeah, they will do,

won't they? They will do, won't they? Cause it's like their head office, surely. Yeah. Anyway, go on Chris.

So Lee, dog sex correspondent, would be Warhammer correspondent, but we don't want. No, we'll save that for Cavill. We'll save that. Yeah. Cavill, sorry, you've been ousted by Cav correspondent, but we don't want him. No, we'll save that for Cavill. We'll save that, yeah. Cavill, sorry, you've been ousted by Cavill.

But Lee, married to an American lady. Sidebar, she's not allowed to fuss about me. That's okay. So they went to America. He's been in Chicago, and he told me he had one night where things got out of hand. And I don't understand many components of this story, but he was taken around Chicago by a cop.

That, he never explained why he's getting chaperoned around the Windy City with a cop. The cop took him to the last restaurant, the last chicken restaurant in Chicago where you can still smoke. So apparently he had, apparently it's like, it doesn't have a sign on the door. You can, you can smoke tabs. There was some kids in there or some, some, like some young girls and they got their phone out and the barman was like, no photos, big sign on the wall, no photos.

And the cop went, that guy at the end of the bar, he's the mob. And I was like, photos big sign on the wall no photos and the cop went that guy at the end of the bar he's the mob and i was like what is this right so it's illegal to smoke in bars but it isn't in that one or they just ignore it you can't smoke in bars but they've got this secret blast wow that's actually pretty good and the policeman took him there police i don't understand why the police is hanging out with a policeman that disappeared he said he can't tell me where it is because he got too shitted but he walked to one of the world's biggest mcdonald's so he says that should be enough to geolocate it for some people so there you go okay yeah that is interesting what yeah yeah something to think about. Something to think about, actually. Thank you, Lee.

Do try and tie it back into the dog sex brief. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's get back on track, Lee, but thank you for your update. So, Sonal, can you tell us what's been going on in the big city? Here is the city mate for me things have been what did I do this week

oh I I went to Kent yeah every comedian's heart drops at the mention of Kent unless you love Kent but that makes you weird

I went to Kent to do a gig didn't really think much of it until I got there Kent's a tough gig man my goodness me got off at the train station quite quiet lovely lovely sort of area very quiet suburban found the pub only five minute walk from the station inside it sounded like

everything it was pumping waited five minutes before going in just checking my notes because and then walked in absolutely packed not a single person in there who wasn't white and i thought oh okay must you know suburbs you know it must be a anyway there wasn't more to it it was just a very busy pub i went in and said is there a comedy gig he said i'll take you there went out the back i there wasn't a single person in that pub if at the gig or in the bar that wasn't white walked into the garden bun garden, bunting everywhere. Union Jack. Up because of VE Day, wasn't it? Is it?

Is it up because of VE Day? Yeah. The gig was like fine. I was absolutely terrified, obviously. Walked out and this is what happens in Kent. I was going to have a pint. So I walked into the bar area. Full live DJ playing Garage.

Wow. Couldn't move for people. Was told to take, well, we were told to take our hats off in the bar. So I had to take our hats off in the bar. We were going to stay for a pint. It's like everyone was like really dolled up for a night out, but it's just this pub in the suburbs. Was it a weekend?

It was Friday night. It was Friday night. It wasn't even bank holiday. I don't know what the hat thing is. I've heard of the hat thing before though Like It's an old fashioned thing Men are supposed to take the hats off in church

Aren't they? And indoors Yeah I don't know why In the bar Was it Was it one of them plastic white bowler hats With the St George cross on it? I think they'd make an exception

Yeah Take everything else off But leave that one But it's just such a bizarre I was going to have a pint I think they'd make an exception. Take everything else off, but leave that one. It's just such a bizarre... I was going to have a pint, and then I got overwhelmed and left. But no one was unfriendly in any way. Everyone was very nice. But you walk into a bar as a stranger,

and everyone does turn around and look at you. But the thing is, being a comedian, you've been in those places so much. It's still slightly awkward, but you're like, let's just get this over and done with. But I didn't realise, you know, only sort of 20 miles from me was essentially this incredibly odd place. My mum and dad have a pub at the end of their road. It looks really nice, but it's just horrible.

Like the people, I think they've gone through different managers that have tried to, but there's just horrible. Like the people, I think they've gone through different managers that have tried to, but there's like, do you know, like when regulars have ownership of it and then make it hostile to people and you're like, what the fuck is this? It's totally not how you should run a community based endeavor.

Your arms should be open. You should be trying. I went in with my dad. Did you go in rubbing your hands going, hello? Yeah. Hello. Can I have rubbing your hands going, hello? Yeah, hello. Could I have a pint of ale, please? 568 millilitres of your finest foaming nut brown.

I could speak to old men. You know, like that's the vibe. And some guy was like, we sat down in an empty table and some guy was like, that's John's chair. And this brings a side out to me that I don't particularly love, but you're just like, I don't give a fuck who John is.

If he wants to sit here, he can come and fucking sit. So I didn't say that, but I was just like, oh, wicked. Yeah. And just sat there. I'm not fucking moving.

No. Maybe it is being in these environments that sort of thing of banjos stopping when you walk in. I love it. Do you know what I mean? I'm not intimidated in that environment.

I'm just like, I'm here. I'm taking up space. When you're in the pub just having a drink, but when you're there to try and make them laugh, it's a bit weird.

And then you've walked in the first act says to you after they come off. Because I walked in halfway through the first act set and he came off afterwards and he went, what they didn't like

was the anti-EDL stuff and I was like right okay noted I think that's a good place to end yeah do you have a letter do you have a quick letter yeah no no no

it's another year wow we never have such clean endings as like that that's that's where to that's an out if anyone's ever heard one that's it do you have a quick letter and then I've got to do this cleaning clean endings and stuff like that. That's an out if anyone's heard one.

Shall we have a quick letter and then I've got to do this cleaning. Okay, here we go. It's a comment from Spotify. Oh yeah, Chris has found out that we've got Spotify comments, which is a new thing. Is it a new feature you can comment on there? Well, no, but it's quite new to me of having figured that out.

Don't worry about it. So this is a Spotify comment from McKiltson. Yeah, that's a name. They say, Buy a bottle of bloodfish and bone. Mix it into the area where you are planning on planting your leeks and sprinkle some into the hole when you plant them out. That'll give you some longer-term nutrients. Then use NPK liquid feed when you water them to top them up.

That, with your aged manure, will help. Good luck. Bloody hell, that's high-level nutrients, then use NPK liquid feed when you water them to top them up. That, with your aged manure, will help. Good luck. Bloody hell, that's high-level advice, Chris. That is, Chris. Are you going to act on it? Yeah, exactly. But this is what has made me resolute that I will not look at a book or read an article.

We are thriving as a community. The community of this podcast is why. James, I know you're not going to agree with what Chris is saying, but this is almost like, you know, you know, Nassim Nicholas Taleb? No. The guy who wrote the book Black Swan

and Fooled by Randomness. Oh yeah. Yeah. So he says he doesn't read any news. He says any news that's worthwhile will come through to him from the people around him. In his dreams. So he only reads sort of fiction, literature,

high-end literature over the years, or gossip magazines. And the news that he will come through to, anyway, Chris is sort of a version of that. He will wait until the right information comes to him my i've got lee the dog sex correspondent is he's like he's so proud he's like do you know what i mean he's like i don't read the guardian anymore because it's shit and he's like that's his entire identity at the minute but he's like he he's very proud he doesn't watch tv at all all he watches is youtube nothing wrong with that no doesn't watch TV at all. All he watches is YouTube.

Nothing wrong with that. No rabbit holes in there at all. Don't worry about that. And if it's good enough, if something is good enough, it will find him. And I was like, that's stupid. And he said, it's not. It's my opinion.

Do you know what? These are the conversations you have with mates that you've had for 25 years. Yeah, but I don't think it's a bad idea to stop reading a newspaper every day. I just think like, yeah, if you're going to read some news, read a variety of it. You know, if your only news comes from one source, you shouldn't be allowed to vote, should you? Yeah, I totally agree. And in general i do yes james what's all this huffing and puffing so chris basically what you were gearing up to say

is that when when you lose the leak competition is actually all of us losing the leak competition it's actually all it's the listeners it the listeners' fault that we've all lost. To all of us. To themselves. Right, okay, cool. Strong message. Thanks for listening to this nourishing helping of rural concerns. Oh yeah, thank you, Chris. Say thank you. Thanks.

Do you want to see us live in the flesh and panicking about software applications? Well, you can come and see us at the London Podcast Show on the 20th of May. So, Neil, that is tonight. Christ. Yes, it is. It is. And it's at the Business Design Centre in Islington. And tickets are still on sale for our last live show of the year at Manchester's Fairfield Social Club on the 22nd of November.

Bear in mind, this is all in 2025. Tickets for both shows are in the notes. They better be, Chris. They are, they are. Also, I've got a final couple of dates on my show. The Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated Easily Suede, which is headed to the Wales Comedy Festival on May 24th. And it's wrapping up on Newcastle upon Tyne on June 14th.

The best way to support us is by becoming a Rural Concerns Patreon. For a small donation, you'll not only be supporting an independent podcast, and that means that we can just kick off with any motorcycle gang that Chris chooses, and it's purely just Chris kicking off with them, and apparently he's calling them losers. Me, James and Son-O, think that motorcycle gangs are for losers. Next. No, you'll Son-El think that motorcycle gangs are for losers. Next. No, you'll also get

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wasn't used. Then we've got, like, a separate podcast once a fortnight where we discuss the sort of episodes that wasn't used. Then we've got like a separate podcast once a fortnight where we discuss the sort of media that we are consuming. It's a lot of fun. We are prattling on for literally hours and you can have access. If you like this, then there's more of it.

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edited by Joseph Nvidia Burrows and is produced by Egg Mountain for Air Lovely Time Productions. Nice one. How were you walking around dressing gown on like Jason Isaacs in White Lotus? I haven't seen that. Oh.

I don't. I presume it is completely dignified and actually quite cool. He's wearing a dressing gown. His knob comes out. His knob and his bollocks come out. His knob and his bollocks come out so it's like it's not bad as bollocks james remember that i um

yes i was just gonna say about a flash in the bollock story i'm here for that yeah okay right so i ride a bike lot. And if this was the day I realized, if you're going to wear baggy briefs, boxers, you can't also wear baggy shorts because you're flashing a bollock basically on a bicycle. At this age, yeah. Left, right, left, right. And yeah, I realized I was getting a breeze.

And I also had a little bell on the handlebars and it was like a spring loaded bell and when you're riding a bike it's quite boring and I would kind of play a little game with myself of like ringing see how far I could pull back the thing and not ring the bell if you know what I mean because it's like a spring you know like playing with the spring basically it's a bit of fun and I was riding through a park in London and I did it too hard and dinged the bell and a bloke looked up. And so I sort of like waved to say, oh, sorry, that was unintentional.

And at the same time, I had these baggy shorts, baggy trousers combo. So basically in a park, I dinged a bell, waved at a man and flashed him a bollock. Voilà.