Rural Concerns - Double yellows, cables & turkeys

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

The Children of Matthews return! This week James is getting bombarded on WhatsApp, Sunil dreams of a drive-in parking space and Chris? Well, he just wants to be heard. This episode also contains a highly anticipated Leek Club update. Chris' tour starts this week! He's off to Leeds, Manchester, Bristol and Leicester! Grab your tickets, here! Got a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than five quids you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and the music is by Sam O’Leary. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

What up? You're listening to Rural Concerns, an in-depth academic podcast for scholars, professionals and lads who have to be repeatedly told by the pub landlords to put their tops back on in the dining area. I'm Chris, countryside correspondent and trainee necromancer. I'm James, cul-de-sac-based producer whose balls have definitely dropped. Thanks for reminding us, James. And I'm Sunil, London-dwelling slumlord and ambassador for a new line cum-flavoured vapes.

Right, well, you've missed out the word of cum-flavoured, so let me just add that in. There we go. I'm not saying it again. We talk about life in the countryside and how it's different to living in a really big city. At least that's how we set it up at the top of the episode. Now. Right now, in recording time the live show is in the edit okay gotta say i've already taken a big five minutes out from the very start before we even got to the slander section

was it the stuff about was it chris's problem don't make me edit this again no but was it chris yeah of course it was yeah of course it was. Yeah, of course it was. Yeah, great. This is what live shows are about though. You want this, you want this. Not if you also want to put them out

as an actual episode. This is going to be a three minute episode. It's like, look at this. It's like, oh, that wizard of Oz what's behind the curtain? It's a little man.

That's what you want to, that's what you want to see. I don't know if we need to redact the name of the pub where your mate saw someone fingering a dog. But that's science. Thing is, sometimes it's like, if this is the public record,

then it needs to, do you know what I mean? Like, that can stay. If that happened, we live in a world where, like, I don't know, you're not allowed to say stuff that's actually happened. Yeah. We live in a, in a world where like, I don't know, you're not allowed to say stuff that's actually happened. All right, mate. It's more decency.

I think it's more, it's more a degree of decency. Yeah. But it did happen. And that pub exists. The thing is pubs, there's lots of pubs with the same name. So it doesn't really matter.

I don't think. I think Chris got the name wrong anyway. So it doesn't really matter either. Oh, good. Well, that's actually worse, isn't it? What if he fingers the wrong pub? What if he fingers the wrong pub?

What if a mob of angry listeners round up pitchforks and torches and go down to burn? You have to get there first. You have to calm them down. Guys, this is not the pub. Guys, come on. the dog actually enjoyed it the dog had clearly associated it with getting a treat

that's worse actually that's worse that's much worse is everyone before we get into navel gazing analysis of the live show is Is everyone okay? No, I've got my WhatsApp open in another window and I'm getting absolutely spammed because I inadvertently kicked off a street WhatsApp discussion. Ooh. Because there's been some plans from the council to put in double yellow lines. Good.

And there's been an update on that and I just innocently popped in the chat and my phone is red hot it's like a mini rural concerns isn't it it's more more on point now to be honest they do keep to stick to the subject so what the what are the council trying to do well our road is it's a road with houses on both sides but it's only one side has parking this is quite a thin road yes so already you've got half as many parking spaces as there are houses i've seen the parking in one of the earlier episodes you showed us a picture of a parking spot that you reverse parked into and

i still feel anxious about it now well you cried didn you? And I clapped. Yeah, it was way too much for me. And it's like, so I get an idea that where you live is like high demand. And these little roads are built for 1950s sort of gents, aren't they? Yeah, they're not built for two car families, are they?

Two free car families. I think this street was built before cars. What? Well, cars aren't that old are they yeah actually when i've been looking at flats the one thing with one of the many red one of the sort of like lines in the sand i have is there is that is there parking that i can i don't have to parallel park into i just drive right into a big space and get out ah that might be a problem in London.

Yes, it's been a tough search. You're looking for the same. That's the sort of level of decadence that, like, you're looking at a Justin Bieber budget. You have to get your little area park, you have to get your permit parking from the Borough Council that costs like £3,000 a year. No, it's less if you've got a hybrid.

Oh, here he goes. Yeah, that's right. But there's enough roads around here which are quite empty, actually. I think you probably, in London, as a normal person, you could probably afford to buy a drive, but not also the house that goes with it.

Absolutely right. Well, people buy tiny little shoebox, broom cupboard apartments just to get a parking permit in Westminster. Do they? Yeah, I mean, there's a flat for sale for like 70 000 which is a cupboard but it feels like you either go there if you want to if you want to use it as a hotel room twice a month or something or for the parking permit do you want to have full sex with mps regularly not in there standard up sex standard up sex regularly just do do. Regularly. So just... Do-do-do-do-do. Roll us back.

So they... And then down the end of our street, there was a road which had no parking restrictions. And then they put parking restrictions on that bit of road. So now it's only people on our street can park on that road, which is all right. It just means it's empty during the daytime and over full at nighttime.

And you know who's parked in your space. And then there was a road down the end, which had no restrictions, which is where everyone used to park on. Like when anyone visited, because as you say, Chris, parking permits are XE, XE and you only get a limited amount. But now they're putting double yellow lines on that road.

So there's nowhere for people to park. And then there's, there is a big car park in the center of town, but it's got a two-hour limit. You can't park in the middle of town every day. Well, we do live right by the middle of town. Right. But what did people do before they had a two-car family? They had a horse, I guess.

Very interesting. Oh, no, there is a middle point, isn't there, between two cars and a horse? Like a cat would come up and a ladder to go bring out your lads lads would all get on the car work slash war tinkler can ding ding ding ding and on a lads it got off at day and that was what early 2000s yeah they come up with a little that was before the lexus really took off over here they Come on, what's that? Feppany bit. Like, what are you going to spend that on?

Sweet. Sweet? You'd have a pouch of tobacco, half a tub of paraffin for your oil lamps. Some ham. If you... That was the 90s. Those were the treats available back then. Yeah.

And then you'd sit down and watch Top of the Pops 2 with a clear conscience. Do you know, like, basically, health problems are going up and stuff like this, but if you look at, like, you know, like, listen, listen, listen. Like all of them. No, James, just listen to him. He just wants you to listen.

He just wants to be heard. Because he sounded like he was going to move on to something else and that was just gonna please that was gonna pass unquestioned i don't feel i've been listened to and that's right right right he's written the entire agenda for this podcast he's not been heard to be fair we do ignore it yeah true yeah this is what i'm trying to say during the war we'd have had rationing yeah so the people living during war times as much as they were in war and being blighted as much as they were being blighted by war dietary wise they were making do with what was available yeah post-war while the world economy is getting back up on its feet there was still a lot of post-war sort of the habits,

the cooking, like stuff slowly came in. Wasn't there rationing until the 1950s in the UK? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So this is like working. So these people are working or living in like a frugal world of stews and broths and like, oh, what's this? It's Friday night, a dumpling.

Do you know what I mean? And then basically when we were coming out of it, you know, like the land of plenty coming out of it, our generation are the children of the kids that were like the post-war kids that were born in that post-war era. The boomers. The boomers. Our birth coincides with like possibly the worst thing to happen in the food chain,

which was the oven convenience food era. Do you know what I mean? Oh, is that where you were getting to? Finder's crispy pancakes. From World War II to Finder's crispy pancakes. Yeah. Waffles. That stuff was invented when we were kids.

Beige things that are half moon shaped. I think it's more, yeah, processed sugary foods. Semi-circular dinners. Convenience in a way that was the peasant culture of cooking stews and having a stew on the ground, but people going out to work more. So we, like really, we're like this spoiled generation. Do you think kids these days are lazy? No. We're the kids. We're the kids who've just been raised on. We you think kids these days are lazy? No.

We're the kids. We're the kids who've just been raised on. We were the first generation of waffles and nuggets. We are. We are. The turkey Twizzler is unique to our childhood. We're the like nuggets alpha. Yeah, but that's because like we had,

both parents had to go to work. Are we generation Bernard Matthews? That's it, coined. We are Generation Bernard Matthews. And this is why we're all like, and now the kids that are being born now are being born into, I would say in general,

I know there's still lots of issues with children. I know there's still lots of issues with child dietary concerns and stuff, but there is like a general health consciousness. Do you know what I mean? Like, as in people have salads a lot more now. Although I'm saying that, I'm saying that what you do see very often is

kids, big can of Monster. Yeah, we've already alienated the Monster advertising, so. Try as I might, I can't not judge the parents of kids with big cans of Monster at work or school. What would happen if your kids had Monster? My kid? You know when Sonic zips around, you know, when he goes through like that, he'd be gone.

And just like when you're playing Sonic, you're thinking, this looks amazing, but I'm not really doing anything. Do you know what I mean? Zero control, and then he'd hit some spikes, rings everywhere. Yeah, and just watching a little lad blast around a room. That's what would happen if he had Monster. That's why we could never have it in the house.

I've had to kill my WhatsApp because of the street problems. You just mute the chat. So you've put that in. So I assume that you've dropped in this absolute bomb that the council are now pushing forward with these double yellers. Yeah. So I'm guessing there's a universal fury that this is happening. Yeah, no one wants it.

No one wants it. Because that was like... There's no one in the group that's like, this is actually a good idea. For once, no. As far as I could tell, there's one, there's someone who's quite the Mary Mary, quite contrary, who I'm presuming has yet to have seen that message,

because they'll come in with a hot take that is the opposite. They're peddling around on their Brompton. No, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what the consensus is, but they're the opposite. A contrarian, I like it. They're the Mary Mary, I call them. Yeah, Mary Mary. That's so funny.

The best thing about a contrarian is when you point it out to them because they're stuck in a paradox of their own making. The paradox, yeah. The paradox of a contrarian. No, but I remember when I used to live in Manchester, there was a street meeting because we lived on a street that was like the street that cut through from a small little shopping center area to a big air road. So it was basically people had basically people had revved down there like maniacs.

So we were, and I had a small, I had a small son. But basically there was like a bit of a meeting because they were looking at putting in either speed bumps or a chicane. And to me, I was like, yeah, of of course let's do it but then it was like they were much more adamantly against it than i thought and i remember some guy being like they don't work they kill more than they save yeah and i was just thinking like this isn't true do you know what i mean it's like a chicane you would have to slow down for a chicane or speed bumps you do slow down for them it was just like i don't know i don't know it was like people being selfish and not wanting change

but as well as a parent i was like but this is just clearly no massive imposition on people's sorry are you talking about road changes yeah yeah yeah that's what i am talking about yeah the speed bumps though like great ideas they were. You've got unintended consequences, haven't you? Go on then. What, as in you hit him too hard, you take off? You take off,

do your suspension in on the Lexus. Excuse me. No, the problem is that because there's like speed bumps and I suppose there's a few other factors, but parents would start buying four by fours and SUVs because it would be more

they'd feel more comfortable on those roads then wouldn't they which has caused then more potholes on the road which the council has to fix it's there's there's a lot of unintended consequences to like someone's been reading freakonomics somebody as well sunil is that is within this group, the true Clarkson mindset intake. You know what I mean? He's had me up by the throat a couple of times. I'm saying if you're going to make changes like that, then you need to stop people doing even worse things further down the line.

What do you mean? Like people trafficking and stuff. Yeah, it might happen. You never know. That's all I'm saying. I'm saying like, you can't have those big cars in central London. It's just idiotic.

Yeah. I do sound like Clarkson now. No, no, Clarkson wouldn't be one. No, no, he'd have one. He'd be on board with that. He'd be like, you only have them in the countryside. Well, there is an increasing feeling

that the world as built as is is not quite fit for purpose, isn't there? Maybe it's just this country. Yeah, this is right. I feel it just, I heard a big diamond shatter and I think we've just crossed the threshold of,

into true middle age. This country's gone to pot. Let's go. James, we can be middle aged though. We don't have to edit that out. Can I do my Bernard Matthews fact? Yeah, I want more Bernard Matthews fact? Yeah, I want more Bernard Matthews facts,

and then I think we should get back to breaking down the live show. Right, so Bernard Matthews, he started work. I'm on the Wikipedia now, so this is factually correct, I think. He started work as a trainee livestock auctioneer, and he saw 20 freshly laid turkey eggs for sale, thought, I'll buy them. Got an incubator. Then he tried to raise them in his mum's back garden, but he hadn't... It says here,

he had not calculated for the additional cost of feed for the birds, so it did not pay off. So he's got, like, dead turkeys in his garden now. Starving turkeys. Yeah, horrible. And then he borrowed £3,000 to buy the dilapidated Great Wichington Hall and filled its 35 rooms with turkeys.

That is mad. Him and his wife lived in two unheated rooms and turkeys were hatched in the dining room. Did they just cuddle up to the turkeys? Reared in the Jacobean bedrooms and slaughtered in the kitchens. What year is this? 1950. So £3,000 is a lot of money but it's also but but but

this isn't a mad do you know when you hear these stories about like Donald Trump and Richard Branson and they're like I'm basically I'm a self-made man

but they did it with a truly unfathomable amount of money like Richard Branson I think my mates did a lot looked into it or started reading

his autobiographies he his first business was growing sort of exotic birds. Yeah. And they likely got over the fact that his dad built him a, like an aviary.

A aviary, yeah. So you're like, this is just, it's the whims of the posh people. We're £3,000, but this guy, if that's how he's living and he's living in the turkey mansion and he's cold, this guy's gone all in. £130,000 is according to a website. That's what it's worth now. living and he's living in the turkey mansion and he's cold this guy's gone all in 130 grand is according to a website it's that's what it's worth now it's a lot of money but he's living in

there unheated he's gone all in on a dream yeah i think he's i think he's a hero very much aligned well that's because you're generation matthews generation very much aligned with the ethos of this podcast and i would say that we are the children of Matthews, like the children of June. Oh, here we go. I don't get that. And I don't want to ever get that. I don't get it.

I don't want to get that reference at all. Are we big worms? Are we just big worms? We're the worms. Okay. And we won't stop going for gold. Cool. Good news.

So the live show came out last week for the listeners it was probably two to three minutes long we are fresh from the live show in real like we are a few days we're recording this a few days after still riding high can i pay a compliment to us to you two to you two there was a couple of points where I was on stage and it felt like it was about to drop, like the energy was going to drop. And then I looked over and then I saw two professional comedians and they just did what they needed to do. They moved things along.

They got the audience back up. And I like to think that you were listening to the production of it, seeing how things were produced, and you looked over and thought, yeah. Nice one. Yeah, I thought that. It was only ruined slightly by me dropping my microphone before the record.

That was a little bit of a problem. I dropped mine. It's absolutely jiggered. But do you know what? It looks like it's got now. It's page chipped and stuff like that. But it's like, it's a Rode. It's a Rode microphone now.

But it's not. It's a Shure one. But do you know what I mean? It's like it's like it's a rude it's a rude microphone now but it's not it's a show one but you know what i mean it's like it's got some it's got some bits it's got it's lived a life chris we're supposed to compliment james yeah yeah i think i think he's sidestepping that on purpose to be honest because because there were to be honest listen but even in the recording some of the shoddy production comes through where i just play some random sounds for no reason oh what did you have a soundboard i didn't know what was going on sometimes not really i hadn't quite worked out technical technology wise how that was going to work and it didn't work as i thought it would work in my mind palace but james james right first off i'll take a step back i don't want to give either of you a compliment, but you have forced me out of the... I'm still not going to do it.

You don't do it, Senor. I'll do it for both of us. I've come out of my little sand trap in the hole, like a King Cobra-type spider thing that I am, and you've caught me. And now you've got my fangs, and you're pushing them through the sort of plastic covered lid of a yogurt pot you know i mean to get my venom well done we've done it

look james asking for sincerity from sort of middle-aged men is it's a it's a form of personal attack on us really yeah there'll be a there'll be a message. Don't ever ask us to be nice to you. I am nice, and I purposefully kept aside a bit. I thought I could say well done to everybody, but then I thought I might cry. We did say well done to each other when we had six or seven pints after. Yeah, we'd had six or seven pints, and we were like, come on off menu.

Let's just go down to the Albert Hall now. See if we can do it now. Banging on the Albert Hall now. See if we can do it now. I'm banging on the Albert Hall. We're podcasters. And this place is too small

for us. Should we compliment the audience as well or not? Oh really? Yeah, we should. Do you know what we didn't do? Do you know what we didn't do that we should have done? People had come should. Do you know what we didn't do? Do you know what we didn't do that we should have done? People had come from all over the country and we didn't acknowledge that. And I think that would have been

a very good thing to have done because it's sort of insane. There were people there from Edinburgh. People come from Wales. Like this. Those are different countries. Those are different. Like they come from literally

different countries to watch us. To be fair to us, they were also watching other stuff that weekend. They weren't just there for us. Yes, I think the term is culture maxing. Right. It makes sense. It makes sense.

You wouldn't, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just coined it. You've coined the Matthews of Bernard, the Children of Matthews. I'm like... Children of Matthews sounds like a horror film. Yeah, the Children of Matthews, culture maxing. It's when you come down to your base weekend around watching a live version of a podcast,

but then bookend it with more bits of culture. And can I finish and just say, I was very, very chuffed with it. I was very, very chuffed with both of you. We've gone into that. We've done a lot of work, but fundamentally everything is completely untested the entire reason we're doing it was to figure out the mechanics of it and now we've done it it'll get better and better and easier and easier so in terms of the production we'll we'll get a tick list and we'll figure it out and stuff but it worked very well you were very good good. Before we move on, I would like to copyright the concept of Children of Matthews,

a horror film set in that manor house. Just copyright that. That's mine. Can't have it. Okay, that's fine. I'll see. You'll be getting a letter from Randy Burrows, entertainment lawyer.

We've got several IP suits on the go. Oh, do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Chris, have we got some countryside updates? You're back in the countryside now back in the countryside here's the countryside sting there is a there is this countryside bit yeah i've got lots of stuff i'm back home i was in london i stayed down for a couple of days after we did the live show just to get some headspace

you know from the wife and son. No, not really. But so I'm back home. So there's been a slight development on the Leek Club. But basically, while I've been away, my father-in-law and mother-in-law were basically, they've got me lots, they were gathering leaves from their house, like a big amount of leaves. So they brought the leaves down to fill the bed to get this mulch going. So basically the leak show stuff was moved along a bit,

but I crucially haven't physically done anything myself. You were supposed to get mulch in like three months ago when you first mentioned it. You just had to plant a leak. You just had to, all you needed to do was let some matter decompose. You're not going to win the competition at this rate, are you? Well, does it have to be a specific type of leaf no i need to just lose it's biological

matter degrading full of nutrients i mean that's the alternative name for this podcast isn't it where'd you get mulch from then well he's gets he sounds like he's making his own he's getting leaves and i have heard that different different leaves degraded different ways given different properties but it's like it's yeah exactly exactly so basically i might not have done anything physically myself but i am like the third eye project overseer do you know what i mean like the guy in the brutalist i'm seeing it yeah meaning neither none of us is in it all right he's making this big building. Are you thinking of Megalopolis? He's not putting every individual brick in, is he? Oh, you're the architect of Leek.

I don't know. Third eye open. That's Doctor Strange. I'm looking at the schematics of my dream. I don't think you are. The third eye is just worrying that you haven't done anything yet. Yeah, it is. It is getting a bit tight, but I'm going to be honest. What's the deadline? Give us a deadline. I don't think you are. The third eye is just worrying that you haven't done anything yet. Yeah, it is. It is getting a bit tight, but I'm going to be honest.

What's the deadline? Give us a deadline. I don't know. I need to end of January. It's February already. End of February. A week ago. A week ago.

It's bad. It's bad. I'm in chaos. I'm living it. I've come back to chaos. Basically. The Leafs were supposed to ground you. We've got, we've got my mother and father in

our house is where there was a room where nicola had an office which is where recording stuff is but they're now it looks like they're basically selling part of the property which means basically basically there's a ticking timer of us needed to get out of that space there, which means that we're having to plow forward with Operation Turn the Attic into a working space slash podcasting studio. That's good. So I've come home trying to log out. Now I'm basically moving everything that was in the attic down into the house.

It's just chaos. So there's that. Plus, do you remember we've got this sewage problem? The sewage problem now is like, I've got United Utilities digging, digging. I've got a giant hole in the back of my garden. Right. A giant hole that goes down about, I would say about 10 foot into the earth to replace a bit of Victorian pipe.

This is like, I am not settled. I think you've got, I've been shouted at for not knowing properly how to set my mic up in an incredibly stressful live room turnaround. You simply have to be in the same room as it on a very basic level. I was, I was keeping a very basic level. I was keeping a lot of people out, spinning a lot

of plates. Anyway, I think Chris, you've solved your own mulch problem there. You've got access to a sewer. Oh no. I don't think you can use human waste as mulch, can you? Or you can? Why not? Oh, you can, can't you? I read about that. Small holdings just use the family's piss.

They piss on their leaks. That's why they're like pissy leaks yeah that's why it's pissy leaks pissy leaks i'm gonna put my own piss on them well make sure you drink a barocca and piss on them with that that's probably mutually rich and then you'll be able to be like you'll see the what's happening to my view why can't i see the nice sunrise because it's a giant leak. Yeah, but you're like... Baroccapus. Jack and the Beanstalk. Yeah. Have a monster. Oof. Have a monster, piss on the leaks.

Leaks go mad. Leaks get teeth. Start attacking people. Oh, so we're all getting our own horror franchise today, are we? We're all getting a horror franchise. I can't have you... I've got to coin something, too. I've got to coin...

I've got to have a horror film, too. I've got to keep Randy Burrows, the IP lawyer, working. Night of the leaks. Night of the big leaks. Cool. Well, that's terrible news about your house. I'm sorry to hear that. Apology accepted. I think my house is

falling over, but I don't know who to tell about it. Is it yours? Is it the one you're in rented? Yeah, it's definitely like the garden is now is at an angle like slipping off at an angle i don't know what's going on can i ask you a question it popped up when i was listening to the last one that you have like helen is being replaced yes but i don't know who that person is but i figured also that person is entitled to anonymity because not all housemates will crave the sunlight in the way that helen bauer does

yeah i think that maybe they'll want to be mentioned in future but for now i'll wait until they have moved in and then i'll sit them down and say would you like to be mentioned on rural concerns you obviously didn't read all the clauses of the tenancy agreement. You're now part of a podcast. Let us know when. Me and James will come in for it and we'll get a candlelit meal going. What, for us four?

For us four. But the table set up will be us three on one side of the table, new housemate on the opposite side. The table will be set up by me and Sunil 20 minutes before Chris comes down and he will take your chair. Can I just say, I also don't have a table. I've not had a table in this flat ever.

Oh, we'll sit on the ground by the weights bench. Thank you. Oh, the weights bench can be the table now. Yeah. Yeah. We could also do arm wrestling if needs be. Could we move on to some letters oh some correspondence yeah we've got a couple yeah we've got a couple let's do the first one let me clear my throat also so now well done for mentioning the podcast on a recent podcast

appearance you made i don't know why everyone's saying i forgot and had to be reminded it did sound like it was cut in afterwards and the voice had a quality that you were just leaving a voice note. I'll tell you what, no one reminded me. I realised and they cut out the bit where I went, oh, oh, hold on. And then that's the bit they cut out.

That was on, we should back advertise, that was on Poppy Hilster's wonderful podcast, Brainwash Me. Well done. And also what we won't do is whip someone with a cane for forward progress. Thank you very much, Sonal. Yeah, that's good work, man. Do you want to read this first letter, Sonal?

We've had one in. Dear Rural Concerns, I'm writing to introduce you all to a wonderful consumer product, the Estrella Cerveza Limon. Oh, yes. Oh, six parts beer beer four parts lemon juice much like radlers however it rocks a respectable 3.5 abv this product is perfect for sipping on during those long sun-soaked summer days all while ensuring you're ready to keep your regularly scheduled appointment of hoisting your mate up by the collar at 10.30pm.

All the best, Fraser. 140.5 upload, 24.1 download. That's a lovely letter. I'll be honest, I was a little disappointed because I thought it was from a Rattler company. And it felt like it was going to end with, where should we send a slab of Rattlers? Would you not accept a slab of Rattlers? Yeah. No, I would. Definitely. I thought it would.

That's why I was disappointed that it wasn't. I've had the Estrella one. When I went on a summer holiday to Spain, I tried them all. This particular one with the lemon juice rather than lemonade. Yeah. Is it in the green can?

I assume it's that one, but I didn't know it's 3.5%. That's a lot stronger than I'm expecting with a Rattler. Well, thank you, Fraser. We'll probably get on them in about three months time yeah and excellent uploads yeah i do think like just as a side issue i think everyone discussing their upload and download speeds on the discord is causing an arms race people are feeling left out and i think like they would have been perfectly happy with 20 download like i do but they now seem to think they need faster just because other people are faster.

Just because I'm rocking 400 plus. Yeah, what for? We've been through this. You don't need it. Then I can watch Stranger Things series four. You can watch it all at once, all the episodes at once. All the episodes at once, overlaid on top of each other. The peak efficiency, that's what you can do with 400 plus.

Should we have the other letter, other email? It's not a letter, is it? Hark unto you, folks. Instantly an alarm bell's ringing. The words rural concerns were mentioned by James on his mistress podcast, and so I crept on over. Oh, no. James, are you cross-promoting podcasts?

Well, I mentioned rural concerns on my other one. To ABK's fury that he was he was actually thank you alistair beckett king for coming to the live rural concerns as well yeah and thank you for the loan of your mic that was not one of the ones that was dropped and thank you for calling out my broken mic as well in the middle of the live show very brave thing to do yeah he was like that kid in the emperor's New Clothes, wasn't he? Yeah, to have the wherewithal to pull focus. It's a bold move, but we appreciate it. Right, I'll keep going.

Yes, I mainlined the old episodes. Yes, I joined the Patreon. Yes, I five-star reviewed you on Spotify and struggled for at least 10 minutes before realising Apple won't let me review because I shun their products. Because you're a free thinker well done i think those alarm bells have been muffled now chris yeah basically any association to your sister podcast means i am

skyrocketing towards being told off for something but actually seems like we've got a top we've got we've got a top a here. A top listener. Top listener. Top listener. But then I joined the beautiful Discord and you have lit the floodlights on my shame. I live on the Isle of Sheppey, a place known mainly for its nudist beach

and its glow-in-the-dark scorpions. What? What? I've been to the Isle of Sheppey. Didn't know glow-in-the-dark scorpions. Anyway. I saw an Elvis impersonator and the MC was Shane Ritchie.

Was this back in the day, the gigging days? No, I was a kid. Oh, right, for a holiday. I went to for my dad's birthday. A Butlins type setup. But it was, apart from the staying there, it was like the entertainment bit of a Butlins, yes. Oh, nice.

Okay. I've been living in the murky but peaceful shadow that my internet speed was okay. How wrong I was. The spreadsheets in the creamery are beautiful but painful to behold. What was I just saying? Exactly, yeah. Regardless to say, I have an engineer turning up

to install the new internet hub and service next week. How could you? Fran, 140.8 MBPS download, 30 MBPS upload. That's great. That's a great set of internet. And it was comparable with the letter before, with Fraser's great. That's a great set of internet. And it was comparable with the letter before, with Fraser's letter. But do you see

how this podcast is inspiring betterment? Are we improving the country? No, this is more like keeping up with the Joneses. That's worse. Better Rattlers, better internet. Where does it stop? Is this the mission of Generation Matthews? The minute I am not

trying to find efficiencies or to improve consumer experience. You're down there testing a microphone for a live show. Check my pulse. I'm dead.

You didn't bring any of the right cables. Here we go. James. Right, let's knock it on the head for this record. I've been trying to avoid saying that. You didn't bring any of them.

This has been an episode of Rural Concerns. It's been a fun one. Thanks for listening. We're going to have a meeting separately now. This is the final episode of Rural Concerns. It's been cathartic. Do you know what I had to do? I had to go.

I was like, it's not about any of the cables. We're not going to be able to use recording. I could have put my fist through a bit of plasterboard. So I went into the camera door for five minutes and came back in and went, it's fine. We're going to have a good time. And we did. We did.

And it was usable apart from all the things that you said out loud. I think we can agree. We did, and it was usable, apart from all the things that you said out loud. I think we can agree this is an existential stalemate. Exactly. And you know what? I think we can get another 200 episodes out of this dynamic. I didn't get any of them tray bakes, actually. That's my complaint.

Thank you very much to Andy Cain of House of Meg, House of Meg Tea Rooms in Gildsland, who catered for the event, who is a Treybake dark wizard necromancer. He mentioned to me, three pints in, that he was going to start selling them online. Generation Matthews. Yeah, see, we're encouraging growth.

This is what Starmer, this is what Starmer, the president of the United Kingdom, for our American listeners, is, Starmer is on a quest for growth to boost the economy. He needs to be, he's looking at AI

and he needs to be looking at this podcast. Don't think that's true, but yeah, okay. That's good. Something to think about. What he needs to do is sign some executive orders.

Oh no, no. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns. If you enjoy this podcast and think it's helping to lower your stress levels, which thus decreases your chances of having a heart attack, then please consider leaving us a review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Please remember, it has to be five stars. It simply must be five stars. But what happens if it's not five stars? You'll be waiting to catch your train at the station

when a lovely Alsatian will come and sit next to you, thus confirming to its overlords that your backpack is full of cheap whiz. We can't say exactly where the drugs came from, only that you probably should have put down five stars. If you have a rural concern, you can email us at christopheratalovelytime.co.uk. And just a reminder, he will get those emails first, and he will and does change some of the points to make himself sound better. I edit it for narrative clarity and to make sure that we always include a line that says,

I've been a big fan of Chris's work for the past decade. And the best way to support Rural Concerns is by wanging us just a few quids on the Patreon. And for less than a fiver, what you'll get is bonus episodes and access to our online community, which is called The Creamery, which we all got to meet big chunks of The Creamery at the live show. And it was great. We got to meet Minge Flaps in person.

Let me tell you. Shout out Minge Flaps. Shout out M me tell you. Shout out Minge Flaps. Shout out Minge Flaps. Shout out all of the Creamery. Shout out all the Creamery. Shout out Creamery. Shout out Creamery. Creamery.

Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph Greenhill's own Burrows. Our music is by Sam O'Leary and our artwork is by Poppy Hilstead. Rural Concerns is produced by Egg Mountain for a Lovely Time Productions. That's how you do it. That is, we conducted a dark spell during the live show, which the energy of the spell has come through into our energy. We have now transferred the energy from the live show into the delivery of the recorded at home studio.

Nice. Good on you. This is the power of magic. Stop recording then. What I was conscious of is that you, being sort of sat there just like titting about. Yeah, I noticed during set up. Because that's the thing, because I'm used to doing it with Alistair,

who is someone who can do things like plug in his own mic and stuff like that, but I didn't realise that you weren't either capable or willing to do that. Well, we just kept it away. No, Sunil, you were there, actually. You came in and sat down. I was at points. I did not know where Chris was for a full 20 minutes here and there. I was moving everything

from upstairs. Okay. Chris was nowhere to be seen. Sunil was plugging his mic in testing his mic then dropping his mic after the test but that was an accident that could have

happened to anyone and then Chris came down took Sunil's chair and was like Sunil why haven't you got a chair mental

and it wasn't a bit it was completely genuine I didn't know where the chairs were all around we were in a room full of chairs well it was a very

pressured turnaround around yeah for for me and james yeah like that