Rural Concerns - Feature ceilings, spice & the devastating power of water

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

Chris takes a break from watching his dad decorating to get sentimental. Producer James launches the Internet Speed Test Leader Board and Sunil celebrates his birthday in style. Rural Concerns is produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead. Our music is by Sam O'Leary (www.samoleary.com). Email your Rural Concerns to [e-mail].

stop tapping whoever's tapping it's me i'm typing okay fine, fine. Right, okay, I'm ready. Are you ready? Yeah. What are you laughing at? You'll see. It's not going in.

Whatever this is that you're doing now is not going in, I'm afraid. It will, because it's tame. It's nice and mild. It's not like that, you know, when you forced all that hentai content in that nobody wanted and i should never ever have to be asked what a hentai is by my own mother right so welcome to rural concerns the podcast equivalent of Collision Course, the defining album that brought together Jay-Z and Linkin Park into one album. New metal, hip hop, meeting in the middle, Rural Concerns. You want me to react to that, do you?

Right, so you've got no internet in your own home? No, no, no. Our front room is being, when we've recorded all these sessions, that big echoey room, which everyone's cut. You've got about 10 other rooms

in that house full of dog piss. Yeah, but we haven't got the internet connectivity. We haven't got the space to set up the computer. So I've come up to my wife's setup, which is all ready to go. But it looks like the trade-off is that the internet's a bit naff because it comes off a temperamental satellite.

Is this the one that's your mate's dad or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy that my father-in-law knows that comes when he can. Elon Musk. Have you not got Starlink? No, because I'm not a developing nation. You've not even got to that stage. No, we're pre-third world internet connectivity.

No, it's just, it's a bit of a temporary system. We're painting our living room hot pink. So I'm going to... When you say we, do you mean you or a decorator? I mean my dad, who's doing it right now. And I was like, I really, do you know what I mean? I spent half an hour, I spent half an hour like filling a hole or something like that. And then I was like, I've got to record a podcast.

I'm sorry, guys. This is how I earn my money. Do you know i can't imagine myself ever painting for any children i ever have i well i think to be honest with you he really loves his grandson and i do sort of like if he doesn't do the decorating then he doesn't get to see him does it right so the grandchildren are their bargaining chip here Yeah big time Yeah But To be To be totally honest with you It's like my family are very My family love to be doing

Do you know what I mean Like they We don't We're not tactile We don't Like say That we love each other a lot But it is shown through

Just physical Like They come They come and stay with us And they're straight through the door And like right What need's doing And we're like prepping wood Planning Like it's very physical like they come they come and stay with us and they're straight through the door and like right what are they doing and we're like prepping wood

uh planning like it's very it's really nice um it's not relaxed not by any measure

yeah but um it is nice so I get it they're doing the front room we're going for like we're going for a feature ceiling

what's that like Sistine Chapel no no yeah it's a it's like a hand-drawn painting of the the insane climb posse

look over the ceiling that's me and your mum naked we're getting hot pink down to the picture rail just to make a statement

you know so I think I'll be this will be where I'll be recording the session session session session

session my internet's gone oh fucking hell oh I was gonna do something about Tessia, Tessia, Tessia, Tessia. My internet's gone. Oh, fucking hell. I was going to do something about, that's my mum touching my dick. I did picture it to be dicks. Yeah, I did picture it like Chris's dick touching Nicola.

Hello? She's looking away. Oh, he's back. Did he hear that? No, I got the end of it and I wasn't happy. Is this a serious problem or can we work around it? It is a bit of an issue. Turn that off. We'll try turning cameras off, shall we?

Hello? Okay. That should help, shouldn't it? Chris? Oh, yeah, I'm here. I just wasn't speaking. I just wasn't speaking. Not useful.

Well, you have to because we can't see you. Yeah, yeah. I understand now. Not useful in this situation. Is that better? What's a feature ceiling? Feature ceiling. Right.

So normally what you would have is kind of a white ceiling or off-white ceiling. And then like, if you're having a colour, you'd have it on the wall. Yeah. We're sort of inversing that. We're going absolutely wild. So what we're going to have is like quite a neutral wall colour, but we've got an old fashioned wooden picture frame. And then above that, we're going hot pink all the way onto the ceiling. So all I'm saying is we moved into this house. We're ready to make a statement. I've taken this like I think it's a Victorian house

and we've absolutely ragged the wall apart, putting in what they call MCAT 5 Ethernet cables. Why have you got Ethernet cables? Running it through this Victorian house so that my son can absolutely smash Fortnite. And let's be honest, when he's a little bit older, look at naughty websites.

We're preparing for that eventuality. We need to get this boy connected. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. I get it. Someone's touching the mic a bit. It's not me. I'm getting a bit of mic noise. I'm not touching it a bit. It's not me. I'm getting a bit of mic noise.

I'm not touching it. Look. It's not me because I'm not. Mine's on the desk and I'm not. Just be careful about moving it too much because, yeah, I can hear that, whatever that is. That's him drumming his fingers, excited. No, I'll just grip it.

Mine is on a dead, mine's on a dead, like a dead stand on the table. Come quicker with the second word. When did we start? We have. Oh, God. Six minutes ago. Six minutes ago. Oh, God.

And that's, I mean, right. So can I open an order of business to start this official recording go on so this is the first episode that we've recorded since it's actually been out in the world yeah where it's all the ones that have come out previously we started but um we started batch recording them from i think was, was it January, February? Yeah, I did have to cut out a lot of Christmas references. Yeah, it was a very, very hard Christmas released in April. Jarring.

So, I mean, we'll just save that and we'll come back around on it. But I just want to say I'm absolutely over the moon with how it's been received. And if I'm totally honest with you, I could hear, I was so depressed in January. I was so like, you know, I think not clinically depressed, but I was in a really bad way. I felt like I was in treacle. It was like, it was coming, it was a few things converging at the same time. A bit of it was I'd been sort of working solidly for the back end of the year, working on Icklewick FM with my friend Amy,

which was by and large the best experience of my entire life. And there was that. And then we came into January to a very quiet start to the year. So there was the shock of that. There was moving and the financial pressure of that. And I'm turning 40 all at the same time. So I can hear it in the record. I'm so glad people like it because I can just hear how sad I am.

And now I'm coming out of it. And I think largely a lot of that is to do with not to get too sentimental, but of doing this podcast. This podcast is restorative. But this podcast was the equivalent of you just like going for a nice walk outside for a bit, wasn't it? Yeah. And I think it's nice.

And it's been really nice to talk to you both. But also I told my friend, I said, me and Sunil are doing a podcast and he went, oh God, what is it with guys your age, man? Like, why can't you just admit that you want to talk to each other? Why does it have to be a podcast? Well, anytime we did speak to each other before this, it would be with an order of business provided by you.

Yeah, I'm an order of business guy. Let's talk business, let's talk marketing. Let's talk marketing. And then we'd have 20 minutes of gossiping and one minute of business yeah and i'd start with an inspirational quote wouldn't it be like this is something henry ford this is something henry ford said um not the mad stuff obviously but the stuff about efficiency and what was the mad stuff he was saying beep obviously since we've been doing this and it is suddenly out in the world the most exciting thing for me personally is that we're starting to get feedback from the people that are listening to it.

The biggest thing seems to be that people have started sending me their internet speed tests. It's a real different audience for me. Yeah, but this is what I was saying. With your other podcast, Slime Country, which is with Ed Nye and Hugh Davies, who are both brilliant comedians, and I'm just going to say younger comedians,

you're basically... Very much younger. But basically it's like, Sonil, you have to pick a side. Are you young or are you old? I do Slime Country because it's a part of humanity's great oral tradition of storytelling where you pass knowledge down to youngest,

isn't it? It's that, and it's, it's basically a charity for me. You're right. As she says this, to be honest. You're providing a bit of like someone who with kids,

giving them a bit of a, um, exactly. And for this, I'm providing emotional support to a friend. Yeah. You're my emotional support dog. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Oh, you're my emotional support dog. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, he's gone. Oh, no. My internet's gone. Oh, fucking hell. Did you run an internet speed test in the background, Nick?

Can you hear me? I thought he was upset that I was providing emotional support. Can you hear me? Yeah. Oh, Bill. Yeah, yeah, no, I was just stifling a tear. Today's episode is just going to be a bit stop-started because of the internet.

That's fun. We're having a laugh. Can I tell you, like, so since we did a quarterly annual internet speed test, it has opened the floodgates to people saying my internet is this. So my dad got in touch to be like, yeah, I'm running 56 MB download. And I was like, yeah. Is that good?

Is that good though? It's totally standard. I think it was better than the last one you did, I think, but slightly under what I was doing. So it's totally in the middle. As a father, you'd want your children to have a better internet connection than you, wouldn't you?

Yeah. Yeah. And he don't know. Cause all he does is get emails from Screwfix, which he reads out in a rate, you know, he's like, he'll get his phone out and he'll go,

dear Ken. And then he'll like look up, oh, well, they're familiar to me personally, you know, like, and he's like, are you well they're submitting to me personally you know like and he's like

how are you doing how are you updating he should come down you can get a screw fix on Deliveroo now can you yeah yeah yeah you can get hand tools power tools screws other stuff to fix things

all on Deliveroo it's great yeah no it's cool if you want, like, because there's often as a DIY project where if you haven't, there's something you forget, like, when I need paste, we had White Spirit. I had to pop out for White Spirit yesterday, which is... It's like a 40-minute drive. Yeah, it takes a big chunk of the day out.

Yeah, yeah. But can I just tell you, I would like to, like, so I've got an internet speed test. It's a very middle, like it seems to have really aggravated or excited the node of middle-aged men that have started finding this podcast. But I've just got to tell you one of them. My friend Peter,

who owns a couple of, not B&Bs, like self-catering accommodation type places in the yorkshire dales has messaged me his in screen grabbed his internet speed test and i just didn't read it you've got peter's rocking 583 megabytes per second download. Where's this? And his upload is 546.4. What? You can't have a matching upload and download. That's insane.

Where is he? Yorkshire Dales. No. Has he got a lease line? Like I say, he's running, well, maybe from this, he's running a seedy, mucky empire, but he runs a business, but it's a self-catering accommodation. So that's shared between all the houses, is it? Do you know what?

I'm going to do a bit of digging on this. I think we might get our first guest. We don't do guests on this podcast, but be like, hi, Peter, can you just explain what's going on with this internet? Because you could stream 4K Blade Runner runner do you know what i mean yeah yeah who do you think's got the fastest internet connection in the uk well i would have said the queen i would have said the queen as well but i i just don't think she looks up she wouldn't have looked up stuff prince andrew if it's anything anyone in that in that royal household, Prince Andrew's rocking a very high end,

uh, fiber connection. I'm Googling it. I'm Googling it. Who has fastest internet connection in, in the world or in UK? UK. I think that's what we were,

what's we're in it for. Sorry to our American listeners. Why? It's just giving me adverts for Virgin Media. Currently rocking 85 down, 147 up, which seems right. And I can't do an internet speed test because it will crush the very minimal internet

that we already have. I've got a list of the worst 10 places for internet connectivity in the UK. And Cumbria's second. Where's first? Allardale in Cumbria has 5.7 MPBS. That's rubbish. Is it Allendale?

Allerdale. Allerdale. No, don't know that one. Best place. Can you guess the best place for internet connectivity in the UK? You'll never guess it. London. Broxbourne, Hertfordshire.

Nice. Oh. Is that like a military place or something? Don't know. And then Crawley. How does it work? Why do some people have it faster then? Basically, I suspect that Cumbria has a high density of rural populace compared to cities.

Sorry, just to be clear, you're now speculating, right? Yeah, but I think we can treat it as a medical fact so there's yeah but basically like when they put um fiber in in the village and stuff there's so many there's like like i said i live on the main street you know well it's the road but i live on the road that's got like a few houses coming off of it but there's so many houses that are like a little bit out a little like up a track away, and they'll only ever put like the fibre into our high street, which should serve like my house and a few others. But there's so many people that they're not digging all the way up a hill,

all the way around a dirt track to put fibre into one random house. You can only get that done if you're, basically, a gasquillionaire, and you can pay them to do a bespoke connection to your house, you know? Yeah. So, it's exciting.

I think this is the start of a journey. We'll, I'll keep, we'll keep, I'll do, I'll do a bit of digging on Peter, and, and then just, yeah,

guys, please keep sending in your internet speed tests. Wait, what are Pete's stats again, just so we know who's the current winner? Don't make a leaderboard. Let's not start down this road, please. Number one on the leaderboard is 583 megabytes per second download, 446.4 megabytes per second upload.

No one's beating that. No one's beating that. Yeah, we've started a new feature and we've absolutely peaked. King of the fiber, Pete. Immediately. Yeah, thanks a lot, mate. But let's start tracking it. Let's start a spreadsheet and put a rough geographic thing in and then get some data.

And then, I don't know, that feels like important. What do we do with that data? I don't know what we do. Sell it. Sell it. Sell it to a company.

Sell it to people looking to move. That's how you can monetize a podcast. Selling people's private information. And can I just say, and this is not a dig at anyone in particular. Well, it's a dig at me, it sounds like.

Yeah, it is a little bit, but it's, yeah, there we go. Right. So like I say, this podcast now is out in the world.

So people are like listening to people are taking time out of their busy schedules and days to listen to the actual actually listen to the episodes and say, I really like that. So if they've done that, it's amazing. And if beyond that, they have gone to the effort of saying, like sending us a message on social media that says, listen to this podcast. I really love it, guys. The only thing I would say is, Sunil, if they're directly saying, Sunil, I love this podcast, you have to say thank you. Yeah.

I mean, I didn't know though, do I? Because I don't go on Twitter, do I? I don't know. It's a largely abandoned platform. It's really annoying because I can't give you, I can't give you career advice cause I'm not good at social media and you're a very successful television actor. I can't give you advice, but if like you bad at this, you are bad. I'm bad at social media. Yeah. All right. Let's go on my Twitter now. Let's have a look.

Notifications. All. I'm really enjoying the new podcast. Yeah. Okay. Oh, I've been followed by Electric Mouse Comedy. Right. What am I looking for here? Just as someone, are you tagged into a message where someone said they love the podcast?

It sounds like you are from what you just said. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. I like it. I mean, I mean, do go one step beyond. Say thank you.

Do say thank you. Right. All right. Where am I going now do go one step beyond. Say thank you. Do say thank you. Right, where am I going now? But don't worry about it now. I'm just saying. Andy, it's time to get back into rigid denim. That's you, is it? Yeah, that's me. Interacting.

Talking to the fans. It's basically mainly you. What I'm saying is, do talk to me online. We've got, oh yeah, we've got our own account now. Yeah. I followed that. Yeah, yeah. And then I saw that you were pissed off that nobody told you it was being set up.

And I thought, but if I did you. That was Instagram. But if I did. I found out we had an Instagram account and no one told me. But if I did you, you'd have just said, no, you'd have said we don't do it on my other podcast. So I did. I just did. No, we do.'d have said we don't do it on my other podcast so I didn't I just did no we do we have a slime country

Instagram right this is well let's not argue no we don't need to it's I mean we haven't been doing this

two months so it's good to let's keep it well thank you everyone for tweeting I'm sorry if I haven't responded I'm only

if I'm on anything it's Instagram thank you while we're on the subject of Sunil's career, are we allowed to talk about the adverts that were pulled? Yeah, go on. What happened? Well.

What did you do? I actually didn't do anything. What you do is just take the money and immediately throw it away so it can't be recouped. Do you know what I mean? Straight into crypto on-chain, away from the government's prying eyes. I don't like any of their tweets.

No. So yeah, I don't know if it got pulled or if it got slightly changed. I kept getting served newspaper articles about it, and all of them feature your face. Or my back. Yeah, I'd sell one of those people. Most of your face.

Yeah. And then one of them was nationwide adverts to be replaced with ai and then there was your concerned face there yeah but i read that and it said they weren't replacing the advert with ai it was just something to do something else i mean they could replace me with ai quite easily i'd you know i'd sign off on that all hail the computers that's what i say there's one more coming there there's there is another advert coming out soon is this one are you covering your mouth so they can make you say anything uh you joke but there is a bit where we filmed that i'm covering my mouth so that i can be

made to say anything yeah have you spoken to what's dominic west's um thoughts on this have you two kept close after the two-day advert shoot. Beep. Obviously. Next point of order. Case adjourned. We'll probably cut a bit earlier on this one. Yeah, it feels right.

Although, James, now we've been doing a few of these and they're out in the world, I've just noticed that there's an awful lot of points where I'm like, do this. Let's take this out. Let's do that. And I would say you do barely any, if at all. Yeah.

Sorry, who are you talking about? Me, editing it. Editing. James is like, we're saying take this out, take that out. He's like, yeah, I'll just probably just leave it in because it's funny. And you're like, is he? Is he leaving it all in?

He's leaving it all in. Well, we're not in trouble yet. No. I'm taking out the bits that are probably actionable, but I'm just letting the audience get a flavour of what it is like to work with you two. It's nice, isn't it? If I took everything out where you said take that out, there would be no podcast.

Yeah. I'm going to tighten up general slander slash libel um who sorry who just the sentences chris is all i asked just the sentence i'm gonna try to speak in a full sentence this is but this is what i was saying when we started being being a bit depressed and uh like i'm not speaking in full sentences and I feel like I'm in tar. Do you know what I mean? Whereas now, this is me at full power. Yeah, I can feel it. I can feel it through this broadband connection.

Finishing, finishing. Can you hear that? Bang, full stop on the end of that. It's not just trailing into it. Yeah, you're definitely chirpier. You literally just couldn't even finish the sentence if you say i'm finishing sentences i know that's you're the same it's the same you're just faster i just said it a little bit faster but do you know what we've with the edit and stuff

like that it's good to keep you on your toes because we're getting like we've got an exciting sort of sound going on can i just say as well going to, I'll do this in a separate section, but we've had a review online on the, on Apple saying, I can't tell if it's a meta joke or not. It's funny either way, five stars. And it is just a reminder. And if you do want to give us any burning criticism,

you can say what you want as long as it's a five star review and we'll uh we'll listen to it what could possibly be a meta joke about this i don't know what is a meta joke i think it's just a joke about it it's just an awful lot of like have we started yet oh my internet's gone that's it oh right that's not being edited out okay well yeah well shall i shall i do a bit now shall I do a scheduled bit about cultural highlights to make it feel like a structured podcast? Yeah, let's do that. Try that.

Let's try it, actually, seventh episode. We do need to make sure. I've got some... Chris, what are you about to say before I do my scheduled bit? We haven't just, James, like, we've got stuff, but we haven't really divided it down the line of, like, what bits we do and don't talk about in this one you know what I mean

is that a problem? Let Sunil do his bit and then we'll go yeah yeah because I've got a few little countryside sort of bits of business let me do a very professional introduction 28 minutes in to Sunil's bit oh right I thought you meant to the whole thing

what are you on about? This is like that tweet we got saying this is a good crash course in podcasting. Yeah. This should not be seen as a crash course. This should be seen as a way of not doing it. You don't need to do an introduction after I've already introduced it. Yeah, that's...

Go on then. Do your professional introduction. Go on. And now we're going to talk. Fuck off. Fuck off. And now we're going to talk to Sunil Patel about some of his, some of his inner city delights. I've been here for the whole podcast.

You don't need to introduce me. This is. You haven't listened to it go out. It's basically the one show. Absolutely makes no sense. By the time the editing happens, by the time all the AI assets have been dropped in. All right, fine. What have you been up to in London?

What's going on? Went IMAX twice, went to an exhibition, went to the cinema with a live violinist again. Which one do you want to start with? IMAX twice, I think. Is it June 2? June 2, that was sick. And then Civil War, that was good as well

and it's good to see it on a big screen with all the guns going off right in your face that's one of the cultural highlights that's a cultural highlight I found June 2

to be just the absolute peak of cinema I thought it was the best film I've ever seen I know you went to see it with my friend and I said what did you think of it she said um i didn't understand a single thing that happened

in three hours and sunil was pretended that he did but i know he didn't either i knew exactly what was happening uh and i enjoyed it a lot i would she never said that she was like yeah good film that obviously just trying to put a face on it. Do you know what I mean? But I was like, did you watch June 1 in preparation? And she was like, nah. I went, well, yeah. Well, I thought I went with her to see June 1 at the IMAX anyway.

Maybe, but you could... She's been to see June 1. I took her to it. But she should have dusted it off. You know what I mean? Like, there's a lot of political intrigue. I know, we're sure Mission Impossible. I really like Austin.

Have you seen it, James? I've seen June 1. I did not understand it. I watched it again. Still didn't understand it. What don't you understand? They want some spice. That's right.

It's like, it's a metaphor for oil, isn't it? Do you know, apparently in the books, apparently in the books, that spice allows human beings to expand the consciousness to the point where they're able to

navigate ships through space because in this world AI very on trend has been

outlawed so they basically get this drug so that it can alter consciousness to allow human beings to travel through the galaxy without it. I think that's... They don't really mention that in the film, do they?

No, and it's part and a bit that he's cut out, but it's so expansive. I think, you know, largely his cuts seem like, yeah, I get why you've done that. I really liked Austin Butler in it, you know, who was Elvis Presley, but he does that bit um you know he does my nine knife chip and shatter like that he's like yeah he's not doing the elvis voice i don't know what he's doing but it's great finally got rid of the elvis voice didn't he with another mad one maybe he does like one film do you know like he moves the voice along every film so he'll do he'll do the

elvish voice and now he'll take the dune 2 voice into the next film and then he'll move it on

just as a heads up slime country is a lot of dune 2 chat as well yeah yeah so we've got

it on both ends of the spectrum any podcast featuring all men is going to be dune 2 chat for a few

months yeah yeah that's it alright I went to an exhibition. I rarely go to exhibitions. What was it of? Cute.

Wow. Cute stuff. Cute. C-U-T-E. Where was this? Where was this? It was at the Somerset House, London's famous Somerset House.

It was an exhibition of like how cuteness has infected the world. Not infected. I shouldn't use that word. How it has influenced culture over the last hundred years. Very interesting. The idea of Hello Kitty and all that sort of stuff. Am I right in thinking it is quite a Japanese cultural phenomenon?

Well, no. It's actually we started it in this country really uh well not started it but the idea of um like the initial idea of like cuteness and like i mean cats especially in cuteness that started out with a guy making funny photos of his cat in the late 1800s and then drawings of cats because cats didn't used to be pets until this guy started making funny photos and Is that the one where he dressed him up in little clothes?

Yeah and those are the first memes because he put funny captions underneath it You're not invited to our dinner party and it's a load of cats having tea dressed up at a table Oh Victorian memes Everything's changed and nothing has changed But that was the first sort of like cat memes i think but then cuteness apparently as a concept of like uh it only

really came about because um not only but as child mortality rates uh went down and people you know children could be allowed to be children for longer. Whereas before, you know, you'd be like, quick, get out of childhood quickly before you die of some mad disease and become an adult as soon as possible. But lengthening childhood and the fetishization of that led to us sort of like enjoying a bit of cute stuff. I think I've explained that. To me, that just...

Yeah, very well. That's actually quite the cultural highlight. Yeah, thank you. That just sounds like posh people being mad, don't it? Do you know what I mean? Also, cultural highlight. I was in Epping Forest, and I got some vapes delivered to me on delivery.

Right, cool. In the middle of the countryside. Can you imagine that? Did it cost a premium? £2.45. No. What? Yeah.

I was literally in a village hall. It felt like the middle of nowhere, and it came from a Shell station. Amazing. Wow. Can you get delivery where you are? I don't think so. No.

Neither of you. Surely your local petrol station delivers to you. What do you mean, surely your local petrol station delivers to you what do you mean surely your local petrol station delivers to you don't say that like that surely they deliver to you it's hard getting it's just hard getting anyone out like we don't have takeaways do you know what i mean no one delivers that sort of like what do you do you go and pick it up yeah there's like um where's your nearest takeaway well a 12 minute drive away so not insane but are they doing much business then well yeah because that the takeaway

is in the bigger village so the bigger village is like but they won't come out in smaller villages so we've got to drive in and get it ourselves which is that's fine and it not being at the end of an app is probably better for my cholesterol levels yeah I mean I don't really use delivery much at all now because I've got the air fryer

so yeah I just put a couple of waffles in there yeah there we're right internet speed test tick

air fryer tick it took us it took us a while to get here but we're now here upon the second main pillar of what this podcast will be. Oh, well, you're going to love this next bit. I've been given for my birthday one day with a power washer. Who got you that? My housemate Helen Bower got me it. So whenever I choose, I'm going to wait till it gets a bit warmer.

Tool station, I'm going to drop off a power washer in the morning and pick it up in the evening. Sunil, do you want to come here and do our patio? I'd love to, but that'd be a bit of a drive, wouldn't it? I don't want to spend most of the day with my power washer just driving it around. I want to use it. Can I just say, Helen, Helen is a good,

Helen Bower, friend of the podcast, also has a podcast called Trusty Hogs. She's amazing. She's a very good friend because I have a routine there. She sent me a cache of images of you without really asking any questions at all.

But also, I didn't tell you this, Sunil, but when we first started this podcast, I was like, shall I ask Sunil's housemate, Helen, to keep a diary of his movements for the podcast? And James said no. Oh, thank you, James. Because he said it's not the right spirit of the podcast like

and I'm glad I didn't do that that wouldn't have been right well I mean you know it would have been interesting at points and boring at others I guess

yeah just like keep it I want like general comings and goings and stuff you know well I mean what he does leave in that and the thing is

Helen does keep a close eye on my movements when she is at home but she's been away for a month now and she'll be away for another month in Australia The thing is, Helen does keep a close eye on my movements when she is at home. But she's been away for a month now and she'll be away for another month. She's been away for another month in Australia. Yeah, now I've got Evelyn Mock staying here for three weeks. Oh no.

Yeah, I know. She's already rearranged our cupboards. Doing my head in. Been in my bedroom for most of it. Give me two seconds. I need to find a charger. I'm still here. I just can't hear you my internet's gone oh fucking hell last sunday i spent the day power washing my patio yeah with a

karcher k2 okay i think so next time you get urge, just please just come and do that. I could have sat down. Well, if you, do you own your own culture? Yes. Oh, well you don't need mine then do you?

No, I don't want, I don't want your jet washer. I want someone with a lust for jet washing to come and jet wash the things. A lust for jet washing. Is that, I mean, I'm back.

I'm back. It's a main birthday present. I don't have a lust for jet washing. I just like i'm back i'm back it's a main birthday present i don't have a lust for jet washing i just like to try it out one day see if i see if i fit that vibe you know can you come and do it when so i can have a sit down oh is that do you not enjoy it i thought you i thought it's all right but when you're doing the whole patio because that's what you gotta do and you've been up since five because and this is also what happened that day, your kid shat the bed that you were in. You threw him under the bus though. Yeah.

Yeah. He'll be digging this out in 2035. That's really good. What's like the ideal thing that you'd like to turn the jet washer on? Someone's head. See if it pops. Yeah. Absolutely blast the skin off.

See what happens, you know? See if it is a weapon. Yeah, they should do that for, like, the worst of the worst prisoners. Do you know? Do you want to wash their heads off? Come on. Come on. Come on, Chris.

You know what I mean? If do you have to wash their heads off? Come on. Come on. Come on, Chris. You know what I mean? If you transgress against the state, this laugh and baffer who's had vapes delivered to Weapon Forest is going to jet wash your head off. Dispassionately in the name of science. There don't seem to be many warnings on jet washes about causing yourself damage. He's going to wash you away

like a piece of dog shit that's been left on a busy Birmingham high street and the council are coming back. Yeah, a chilling vision of the future there.

Just to help you live it. You know, I would turn your jet washer on. What? yeah a chilling vision of the future there dystopian living oh dear you know what I would turn your jet wash on what Westminster clean that up sorry you'd shoot

one stream of liquid at the palace of Westminster it was more of a metaphor about politics if you

the people listening got it so don't worry about it who's your local MP I mean are they what party I think at one point it got it, so don't worry about it. Who's your local MP? I mean, are they, what party? I think at one point, it's not now, I don't know, it's a Tory man,

which feels like part of the gossip. You've got a lot of farmers. Yeah, a lot of farmers. But I think at one point it was, do you know Rory Stewart, who is, well, now known as the rest is politics. Another podcaster. Yeah, fellow podcaster. who is, well, now known as The Rest Is Politics. Another podcaster.

Yeah, fellow podcaster. Welcome to the front line. Another middle-aged podcaster. Thank you. To the audio minds, yeah. Have you heard their discussion on June 2nd? Yeah, he didn't get it, did he? He just didn't get it.

He didn't know what happened. He liked the worm, but he didn't get the rest of it. Yeah, they get a special guest in, Ed Bowles, to discuss... Internet speed tests. Right, I don't know. The Ben and Jessera. The Ben and Jessera. I said to my friend, I said, the thing that I took from that is, from June 2,

is that white men are evil and women are sneaky a lot of scheming women in June 2 isn't there yeah yes there are Chris

yeah that feels like that feels like a mid-roll ad break doesn't it if you reckon we'll get advertisers after that a careerended ad break there

and then you think what what adverts are gonna find they're gonna fill that gap ah well all right i think that's my cultural highlights apart from this another oh god a bit i mean at least i went to one exhibition. That's more than I've done in the last 10 years. What was the film you went with the live pianist? The Lodger, Hitchcock, silent film, live violinist. Sounds boring, but that. Ivan Novello.

Yeah. Ivan Novello in the lead. Ivan Novello. Playing The Lodger. Oh. You wouldn't understand. Of the awards, the Ivan Novello awards. Oh yeah, what are they for, theatre?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, this is a film. It's like seeing a play with Oscar in it, isn't it? Yeah, that is true. Or listening to an album from Grammy. From your Grammy? Chris? All you need to do is think of the name of an award

and then a genre of a thing. Go on. I'm getting it. I was getting it i just didn't think it was massively funny so i was like i'll let him do this and then we'll smash on some good stuff it's like reading a book written by the tv soap awards yes yeah like yeah it's becoming a bit more abstract at this point um your good friend and mine Amy Gledhill shout out Amy Gledhill shout out Amy Gledhill very kindly

bought me a book when I mentioned there was a book I wanted to buy I wanted to buy Salman Rushdie's new sort of biography

autobiography is this post after he's been attacked yeah so he's written about that yeah and very kindly Amy went uh went on amazon

bought a book and sent it to me i didn't know it was her that sent it it wasn't the right book for a start she sent me a 38 page self-published biography of salman rushdie uh that someone had written um and i got it and uh it was quite scary because I was like who's been listening into my conversations and sent me a 38 page pamphlet about Salman Rushdie

and then yesterday she admitted it was her but she didn't know it was the wrong book so that's an interesting story It feels like there's a nice what's the word feels like there's a nice

thought behind it nice thought behind it but what's my way out of here because like I said I was the wrong one. She told me to go fuck myself. And so now I don't know, do I send it back? I think you keep it, you gift it on, you give it to a library. I think comedians are just so awkward at giving.

This sort of gift giving happens all the time with comedians that are doing quite well. Bad with time, bad with social skills, but have done all right and have a bit of money. So they're just continuously just gifting things off Amazon and you're like, this isn't a shortcut around actual human connection. Do you know what I mean?

But it is nice. Well, I do think that says more about your relationship. You're getting a lot of gifts, are you? No, not as many as I'd like. That's because you're talking to people too much. What, am I annoying everybody? Is that what everyone's saying? No, no, no.

If you don't get in touch with people, they'll send you presents. Right. I do think I've been, I'm not the best friend to a lot of people in a lot of ways. Do you know what I mean? I've been thinking about this recently because I've been living in, because I live out here in the middle of nowhere. I mean, this is quite the intense tangent. No, go for it. my other friends are just like i don't know about you but i sort of live at odds and ends with everyone else yeah that i've known from the past schedules i'm busy at weekends i'm doing this i'm away for the like do you know i mean it's hectic and a lot of stuff like a lot of what the stuff that i do is like very last minute now you know what i mean so if it's like where are we going we're going here in june or something like that and you're like sorry this has come in i've got

to go now. Do you know what I mean? And I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and in particular with this podcast, we're all bound together, but I've been thinking, like, it's been so fun, but it's been really nice talking to you, James, as well, because we were, and then we didn't speak loads and loads, we were very close friends, and then just got busy with kids and stuff in the middle and then the podcast coming back and i said to nick i said i had such a good time

talking to james but there's like a transactional element to all my friendships do you know i mean like where is my best friend now a sound designer or something like that you know like what can you do for me can you can you take can you take new headshots for me that's my new best friend and i thought that's probably because you can't justify spending time with people just to hang out because you think you should be doing something else no and it isn't me being mental that doesn't sound right at all you being mental i think that's a normal thing isn't it that's what that's why you know as you have families and stuff you sort of lose touch with your friends yeah i think so that's it it's because you think you should have and stuff, you sort of lose touch with your friends. Yeah, I think so. That's it. It's because you think you should have other priorities,

but you know, and you obviously have time pressures. Yeah. I'm doing, I'm great and doing well. Yeah. I mean, no one said you weren't. That's all I'll take from this.

No one said it out loud. It should be an internal confidence question. It shouldn't be. Okay. I'm thinking of culling some friends, actually. Oh, with the jet wash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to blow some heads off.

Come round for a party. Yeah. Just stand in the garden like that. I remember watching an episode of Cracker when I was too young to watch it when I was a kid. And it was like a guy walked into a room and it was all

lined with bin bags. Do you know what I mean? And he didn't know what was happening. And by the time he saw it, he just looked around like, what's the confusion? And someone smashed him on the back of the head with a pipe. I think that sort of sets up. But it's you and the jet washer.

I'm going to cover my garden in bin bags come around for the party stand in the garden hold this bin bag put this bin bag in put this bin bag over your head so it's easier afterwards yeah just

Britain's most prolific serial killer why did you do it because it felt god no it's like No Country for Old Men, isn't it? Instead of a cow bolt, it's a jet wash. But the problem is it would be difficult

because I'd need access to water if I was to do that. Yeah, that's how they'll get you at the end. That's how they'll get me at the end. What I mean. Turn off your mate, turn off man's water, and then a SWAT team comes in. Such a simple solution. Yeah.

Operation Stockcock. The butcher of South London. Well, not ending it on that. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns with me, Sunil Patel and Christopher Cantrell. Hello. What? I said, hello. Oh, right. Sorry.

I shouldn't have done that. You didn't say you were going to do that. I didn't say I was going to do it. I shouldn't have done it. And I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Please continue. Take two. Thank you for listening to Rural Conc didn't say I was going to do it. I shouldn't have done it. And I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Please continue. Take two. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns with me,

Sunil Patel and Chris Cantrell. And if you'd like to, please leave us a five-star review on Apple Music or Spotify, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. I'll do it again. I'll do it again. And that was your episode of Rural Concerns. Thanks for listening. It was pretty, for fuck's sake.

Thanks for listening to Rural Concerns with me, Sidor Patel and Chris Cantrell. If you'd like to, please leave us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Yeah, one of the recent ones that we had was titled As a Middle-Aged Man. So, yeah, we're hitting the key demographics. And like you say, you can say exactly what you want to us as long as you leave a five

star review. We'll take it all on board. Anything below that, we will instantly discount it and blackball you for life. Okay. Rural concerns was... Oh no. My internet... No, no, no, no.

My internet... No, no, no, I'm just going for it. Rural Concerns... Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Our artwork is by the fantastic Poppy Hillstead. Our music was created by Sam O'Leary. And our artwork by... Ah, fucking arsehole!

One more time. James. Yes. Um, how many more episodes of this do we need to do before we can feed it into an AI? And it'll be like, yeah, I'll get it.

I'll do about a thousand more easily. Good question. I'll look into that. Thank you.