Rural Concerns - Garden centres, electrolytes & dead bodies

Episode Date: June 17, 2025

Sunil has too much energy, James has literally zero sympathy and Chris has some kind advice for a friend who’s embarking on a new horticultural adventure. Don’t think it needs saying but if you are having a medical emergency please do not contact podcasters in the first instance. You can also watch Rural Concerns Live at Fairfield Social Club on 22nd November. Tickets are selling fast! Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello and welcome to Rural Concerns, the podcast where three lads in their 40s discuss life in the countryside and beyond. My name is Chris Cantrell and I live in a rural community on Hadrian's Wall where I have purchased a huge estate in which I often get lost and have to listen out for the whirring of my high-end PC cooling system in order to find my way back to where I left my wife, son and Nintendo Switch. I am Sanul Patel and I live in London where I scurry about like a little rat trying to make ends meet by taking cash in hand jobs. I'll be reporting back to the other two lads on my never-ending quest to maybe one day own a tiling little flat which cladding issues

will render worthless. I'm producer James and I live in the suburbs in a brand new house with a 10-year home builders guarantee. I once went into the countryside and I threw my can of in a brand new house with a 10 year home builders guarantee. I once went into the countryside and I threw my can of beer and Moretti at two goats fucking. Let's start the podcast. One of us, one of our hearts will give way at some point. I'd say statistically all of our hearts will give way at some point. Well, say statistically all of our hearts will give way at some point. Well, it could be, we could be here by a bus or something.

Yeah, but your heart ain't going to carry on after that. Sometimes they take out, don't they, and stick it in a pig or something. Why would they stick it in a pig? The heart? Are you guys donors? Probably. How do you tell? You look at the palm of your hand and if that big line there, if that's solid, then you're in an organ donor.

I think I signed up to it when I renewed my driving license. Yeah. I think everything but the eyes. That's what everyone says. Not the eyes. Take the eyes. It should be opt out, shouldn't it, as opposed to opt in. Yeah, it sort of is on the driving license thing, I think.

As far as I know, you have to still obtain my... It just should be the base level. Yeah, but no, they're like, do you not not want to donate your lung? I've never known anyone who died who had something taken off them. Do they not tell you? I've known anyone who died who had a similar problem and had a problem with it. But do they do? Do they tell the family family, oh yeah, his knob's gone? We've given his knob to a young lad in a bike gang.

He can use it. Yeah. Do they say that then when people die? I don't know. I think the way that you live, you know when you read these horrifying stories about how they treat these geese that they make fraguara out of, you know, like they just feed, all the feed. Oh yeah.

Yeah, so it's like, I think your liver would have the same, like, you know, like there's just comes, you touch it and it comes to pieces in your hand. This is the man who puts hoisin on everything. What do you mean? Because I went to a restaurant and I had plum sauce and some chicken fillets. Every restaurant you've been to, as far as we know, you've had plum sauce. Yeah, there's a hundred percent in terms of restaurants that we've been to. It's one of three events.

In terms of the last two times I've eaten out, yeah, there's a hundred percent. All right, ask me what I've eaten today. What have you eaten today, son? Banana, bottle of electrolytes, chicken and rice and beans, green beans, fine green beans, French ones. Someone's train? Fine. Green beans. It's how I read that in my head. Is this how we find out someone's got a Marvel? Someone's got a Marvel. On your Instagram, you lifted up a monster truck tire. If you get Marvel, you've got to eat like 16 cod a day or something.

Haven't you like 16 cod to steroid into the eyeball. HGH of the wazoo literally one kill. Bassa MSM. Oh, what's it called? What's that mainstream media? You got that. I bet that thing that people have MSG. Yeah.

Monosodium glutamate, which is fine. Do you know the thing about monosodium? I'm one Guardian newspaper. Monosodium glutamate, the thing that was written about that was a guy was like, every time I have Chinese food, which has got MSG in it, I feel dry mouth. I've got a headache. I feel really dehydrated. He only ever had Chinese food when he was leathered. It's, I don't know what, there's apparently there's a lot of discourse around MSG and why it's been sort of like ostracized. It's just, it's racism.

Racism, isn't it? It's basically salt for the meat taste. A bit of umami salt, isn't it, or something? Forgive me while I drink some electrolytes. Pre-silence. For the list there, someone who's drinking from a bottle that looks like a daft bottle, I'd describe it as. What does it say?

Oh, it says South by South West London. That's pretty darn fancy. And he's drinking electrolytes, which I think he might not know that it's just water. Well, is that Wimbledon, South by South West London? I did a gig for them last week. They gave me this bottle. I think it's worth like 40 quid. That's a really nice bottle.

It's really good. I reckon you could cause some damage with that. No problem. Did a climate change gig, just doing my bit for the planet. Nice. And you got a plastic bottle? Yeah. Yeah.

It was ocean plastic. It's taken out of the ocean, I think. Yeah. It was ocean plastic. It's taken out the ocean, I think. Cool. But yeah, one of the academics at the climate change thing said, You cannot class yourself as an, you cannot class you or stand up comedians as academics. Believe me, I've tried. This is someone who's like, she was talking about forest fires in between the comedy and like extreme weather events. Oh, that's good. someone who's like, she was talking about forest fires in between the comedy and like extreme weather events, but she did say to the whole audience carbon emission, like the carbon

footprint thing. Don't worry about it. Why? I went out to have a vape, but I don't know, but she did open with that. She did open with that. And I thought that's all I need to know, to be fair. No, but it's got a crucial bit of information, whether it's don't worry about it because the information's been portrayed incorrectly, or it's too late and we're fucked. I think there's almost no point in talking about it. Good, let's move on. Sorry, James. Because nothing is going to happen. No, well, I think it is. Until a tidal wave hits. Do you know what I mean? In terms of reducing emissions, just as a serious point. And I know this is not a serious point.

Sorry, Joe. Listen to me. Obviously. This has to stay in, Joe. Sorry, Joe. Sorry, Joe. No, sorry, Joe. We're wasting your time. We're wasting your time. Joe, please consult the PDF that says, World Concerns, Org Chart.

No, don't look at that Org Chart. There is a direct line. There is a direct line. And Jason, Sunil and James together, same level, both were brought into me. I am the boss of this podcast, Joe. The only person above me, God. Don't say the God, all right. But I understand we should move on. So, but how do we talk about climate change conference? What sacks did they have? You got a free bottle?

No, let's not talk about that anymore because we're going to cut it out. Sacks were pretty good. They had almonds. I had mainly almonds, but they also had like crisp. Avocado. They had an avocado. They had a lot of water in the bottles they'd given us. No plastic bottles, obviously.

It was a very nice gig actually. It was very nice people, but I did learn a bit as well because it was, I mean, obviously you think you know all about it, but. You do. Well, not if you keep popping in and out for a vape, unfortunately. But what's on this, what you were mentioning electrolytes, what's going on with that? Absolute game changer. I didn't realize. Are you talking about, and I don't want to be disrespectful, but are you talking about Powerade?

No. Are you drinking Powerade? I'm not drinking- Professionally. I'm not drinking sugary squash. I've got, like, you know those fizzy electrolyte tabs? Hmm. No.

Yeah, nobody does them. Like, LucasAid Sports? So, when I played golf the other week, and I just got- Oh. And I had loads of water, but I just felt absolutely shattered. Obviously when you're out in the heat and drinking water, you need electrolytes as well because you lose them through sweat. But then I got some, and every day I've had loads of energy now, so obviously for a long

time I've just been slightly dehydrated. What is an electrolyte? I think it's what it is, is like it comes out of a little bottle and it's little electrical Is it electric? that go through your bloodstream and they help energy transfer amongst cells. Fuck off, dickhead. What? You're making it all, you're grasping it out of there. But what form does it come in?

Is it a solid, a gas, a water? Little effervescent tablets like a Barocca. You drop it to, so it's like a flavourless, sugarless thing. You're not just drinking pop. It's not quite, it's like a very, very weak squash. Remarkably weak squash. Just like trace elements of squash. Is there like that new drink that's like the smell of something and water?

What's that? That's a new drink that you can get. I think it's in the bottle, which is the bottle stinks of fruit and then you just drink water. Yeah. And then you just drink water. The bottle stinks a monster, but it's just water. What a dream. And isn't this great? No, I'm not saying that. Why do people have that? I think it's for people that want to have a sweet drink. this great. No, I'm not saying that. Why do, why do people have that?

I think it's for people that want to have a, want to have a sweet drink, but don't want to get diabetes. So they just drink water. Yeah. Shout out. Diabetic. Insulin. The insulin, the insulin resilient. Thank you.

I'm not sure about this. I'm not sure about you having too much energy. Should we talk about what we wanted to, what I called us here to talk, what I press record for? Yeah, go on. Of course, sir. Do you remember what I said just before I pressed record? You almost had a heart attack.

I said, shall I press record and tell you about the time that I thought I had a heart attack? So basically I had some chest pain. Can I bathe heart attack. So basically I had some chest pain. Yeah. I had some chest pain and I'd also pulled a muscle in my back and I'd done a big bike ride quite fast. So I was quite tired. And then I was about to drive to Bristol for a gig. Cause this was back when I did gigs and I told my workmate, Oh, I've got a pain here on the front of my chest. I think I must've pulled a muscle and I get back pain here. And he, oh, I've got a pain here on the front of my chest. Yeah.

I think I must've pulled a muscle and I get back pain here. And he was like, you've got pain on the front and back. You've got to, you're going to have to go elsewhere. You probably have an heart attack. You can't drive to Bristol. And did you Google it? No. Was this before Google?

It was the day before Google. Was it 1998? It was 1998. I was 1998. It was 1998. I was 17. Just like Tim Berners-Lee is just closing the brackets on that big old equation that would fuck everybody's lives up forever. And yes, continue.

And I did Google it. It was like these are symptoms of a heart attack, a pain in the front and back. And I knew I wasn't having a heart attack, a pain in the front and back. I knew I wasn't having a heart attack, but if I had been driving to Bristol and had a heart attack whilst driving and died, that would have been all he'd have fucking said at my funeral. He would have banged on about it and it would have really ruined my special day. Will Barron Well, that he knew you were going to have a heart attack. Alistair It'd been like, I told him. Well, I said to him, don't do it. I can't blame myself. So it's my day. You keep out of this.

And then they'd have the promoter of the Bristol Chuckle Club saying like, yeah, he was going to smash that 10. I could be your wife saying, don't open the casket, his knob's gone. I give his knob away. I give his knob away to a boy. And they're doing it as a transplant. No, he's just fucking it around. Like, put it to some wild dogs in the back of an alley. Well, no, that is worrying, isn't it?

I didn't know you get back pain from heart attack as well. It's something to do with like, if you've got a pain at the front and the back. Anyway, I did go into hospital and they did all the tests, ECGs and everything, blood tests, ECGs absolutely fine. I'm about to go and the nurse on duty was like, yeah, I mean, look at you, you're fine. Obviously you're free to go. And then another nurse came up and went, oh, here's his bloods though. Just have a quick look before he goes.

And she looked at him and she was like, yeah, okay, you're going to have to stay in for the night. So I was like, what the fuck? But basically I had loads of proteins in my blood, which is indicative of having had a coronary, whatever. Oh really? So you have had a heart attack? I also Googled that. Obviously shitting myself, had scans and everything and putting the little gown on with my bum out and stayed in the hospital overnight. A nurse coming up to me and was like, look, if you take a lot of coke, you really have to stop taking a lot of coke because it just necrotizes your heart.

I've told you that before, James, haven't I? I was like, I've had a little bit once. I had a little bit once. Oh yeah, come on, the absolute cocaine, who are you? Nose is flat. I just did it for a dare. But she, and she was, she clearly was, I didn't, I didn't. Basically, yes, it was loads of, but it could have also been because I'd ridden really hard on my bike. This story doesn't have the feel good or satisfying, wholesome conclusion.

This is just, yeah, might've had a heart attack. He's still alive though, isn't he? That's a good ending. This was a long time ago. About six months later, they did a lecture, you know, what's the thing that they do on babies with the sound? Ultrasound. Yeah, they did an ultrasound on my chest and she was like, yeah, your heart's fine, mate.

I think maybe it's helpful for the listeners. If you are a member of the Patreon, go on the Discord and list any symptoms you have before going to the doctor, just run it past us all. Please, this is an actual thing. Please build us into the, like don't be, the NHS is at breaking point. We reckon we can, within a 24 hour- Someone will answer your query. Period. Me, son of a James will advise you on your medical emergency. Yeah. We're like the zero, we're like the one zero one kind of thing. Like we're like one one eight,

but for- It's but for emergency service. And then imagine that the first, the first funeral of the Patriot community, that's going to stay. The good thing is that we'd be there pulling focus. Yeah, we've been talking to the next to kid be, but listen, it's just free pounds of both we are dependent. Like you need to keep yourself. It's a great community.

You should have a chapter. Yeah. It's probably don't cancel that credit card right away. That's paying for that. It's between us and three bean salad. Have a think, you know. Can we have his knob? Chris, any heart issues?

No. I think more or less, you know, like my mate was saying, it's like the best thing you could do for your medical situation is genetics. Do you know what I mean? I mean, not that I'm some towering God, but by and large, my family is relatively all right on the heart front, all right on the cancer front. They could make sure I eat adult food that's not too mad. I don't really drink.

You don't drink cocktails? No, I don't. I don't drink much. I don't smoke. So it's like all of those factors. Broadly I'm okay. I'm feeling, I'm still, I'm coming, I am shocked that this week I'm still,

I feel better than I did when we recorded last week, but I'm shocked that I'm still not shook it off. And you're like, and now I can't exercise, I haven't been out, I haven't been exercising, so I'm sort of feeling just gross and I wanna get back on it. Before we started, what precipitated this conversation before we started recording was you said after last week, you were surprised that you were still here.

Is that what I said? Yeah, but it turns out what you meant was here as in still having a cough, still at this stage of the cough. But I agreed with you very quickly. Our entire back and forth conversations this week is you like a slight tone, not one that I could really pick up on, but you not really being that sympathetic to me being unwell. No, I will read you a message I sent you today. Only today I sent you a message saying, do a piece to camera,

saying you're ill that I'm making you do socials. And also I said, it's lucky you're a brave little soldier. Yeah, I wonder where I could have interpreted that as a bit of a piss take, but I just want to get like physically strong again now, you know? Yeah. I mean, it is just sort of like quite a strong cold. Covid 19. I've had it. It's not nice because you don't know when it's... We've all had it. You don't know when all the symptoms are going to... It does take time. It was annoying when I had it.

Was it annoying for other people, though? No. I never made them listen to me talk about it. Because that would have been while we were recording. It would have been. It was January, December and January. I had it, obviously, and I didn't mention it at all. If there's any boffins in the Discord, could go back and snip out. Right. I'm going to keep... For future reference, from this. Right, I'm going to keep the future of efforts from this point on.

I'm going to keep my physical ailments. And you know what? I'm not going to talk about my mental health, which means I'm going to get madder and madder and madder. It's not going to be pleasant for anybody. Well done. All right. Well, that's very childish though, isn't it? I do think in general, it's rollback men talking about mental health. You keep saying that you're both sides of the coin. We've got to, I've got a later, I'm like a 1950s man, you know what I mean? Drunk.

John Draper. I'm John Draper. I'm not really- John the Draper. I'm John Draper. I'm not feeling... John the Draper. John the Draper. I'm John Draper. When I do actually find my way home, I'm not that interested in my wife again. No, I am. God Christ, I should have said that.

So I've covered it in the intro I've written. I was saying, like with my... Like I'm feeling, I'm feeling just beaten. Do you know what I mean? I'm feeling like, you know, in that film, the Dark Knight Rises, they put Batman in that well. They broke his back and they've put him in that well with Tom Conte. Tom, yeah, Tom Conte, yeah. If this is going where I think it's going, what is, isn't it? Go on, just do it.

So I'm getting to the point now where I need to, you know, against how bad I'm, I want to give up. This illness has driven me to the point where I don't want to be alive anymore. It's okay for me to say. I'm giving up, but this is exactly where, for the second time in that film, Christian Bale becomes Batman again. And that's where I'm going to make the leap and get out of the well that he's having a bit of a gop. Did you have a nice weekend there? I had a lovely weekend.

Yeah, there you go. So why are you going to... I had a lovely weekend. So I've been unwell, but... Jason Vale Oh, sorry. Jason Vale How long has this been going on? Chris Bounds Chris, are you ill? Chris Bounds It's not just going on well. Jason Vale Are you ill?

Chris Bounds But this week... Jason Vale Chris, honestly, you've got to tell us. If you're not feeling well, you've got to say something. Jason Vale What if you could get better by having your knob off? Jason Vale Donating it to dogs in an alley. Injecting electrolytes. If you genuinely want to feel better and you don't think it's going to happen, what if

the answer was losing your knob? Would you do it, yes or no, now? What if you were allergic to your own knob? Separate question, I think. Sorry, I was thinking out loud. I forgot my mic was on. I would forget my knob. I forgot my mic was on. I would, I would, I would forgot my knob. Would you to get better? You feeling that bad? No, I won't. I'll tell

you what, we're not really hungover. I said this on stage at the weekend. When I'm hungover, I always want to completely shave. I said, you know, when you're so hungover, you want to completely shave every single hair off your body. And what I had back at me was just to see him blank faces. You know, that's not a thing. No one feels like that. I often feel like if I'm hungover, I'm just like, I want to get my hair off. Sometimes I want to have a shower when I've just had a shower when I'm hungover. What do you mean they didn't like it? Come on. What do they want to watch? Peter Kay? Come on.

No, but it was like you're looking for some universality with what you say, aren't you? But no, offered. Shame. But this week I've run a comedy festival. I've been in Manchester. I have helped run a lovely weekend, the little comedy festival that me and my friend John run. And we had a team of volunteers and it was wicked. It was really good fun. It looks real good. It was really good fun. It looks real good. It was really good.

I did my comedy short film night, which I do a film night, which is called adult film club with my friend. Well, it's my little boy who annoys me, but I love him. Samuel Leary. Do you know what I mean? He's a little boy, but he's just like, he's in a pain in my heart as much as I love him. He's probably advertising Beaver Town and some of the ads playing on this podcast.

Oh yeah, it's probably that's probably doing some young person thing, do you know? He's off like, where are you? Why aren't you coming? Like he's always late to stuff because he's vaping outside with cool people, you know what I mean? That sort of thing. That's right. That's my boy. We run this film night where we play short films and it's normally just like, it's comedy short films that people have made, but it's also like weird stuff we find on the internet. And there's been one, we did a late night edition. We did, it started at 10 o'clock. So we played these films and there's been one film that we've never played, which I've never seen,

but Sam was like, it's a dead body. It's a film with a dead body in it. So we play this film with a dead body in it, which was so much more madder than it even sounds. A real one. Yeah. It's a real weird video. How'd they get hold of that? I've got to, I'll send it to you.

It's really, I'll send it to you. I'll send it to you. People like it's so bizarre. The dead body is really like the least bizarre thing going on. It's a real treat. And I was saying in the morning, I think, cause we're a new festival, we've been, this is like the third year that we've done, we did a, just a, we did a day three years ago. Then last year we did a weekend and then this year we did a weekend again. So it's very new. And I was saying, I'm trying to find our USP as a festival, do you know? And you're like, if it's, and you found out like, like MacFest, the Welsh comedy festival

that we did, very well concerns that the USP of MacFest is that it's very, very nice. The Edinburgh festival, the USP of the Edinburgh festival is that it is exclusively only accessible to the middle classes. You know, the boat, whereas a lovely weekend, I think we are going to be the festival that shows you some pictures of dead bodies. It's a unique selling point. Yeah, it is. But it was good. One of the thing while I was there, so I saw some brilliant comedy, all of it, really good. If you go to the Edinburgh Fringe, like everyone was really good, but there's a young lady called Molly McGinnis who's making her debut show.

I'm directing it. Please check it out. That's it. That's all I'm doing. But one of the people who came to the festival had a brand new fresh out of the box switch to... What were they doing there? They were just playing it? At a comedy festival. Called Adam, lovely lad. But it's like a comedy festival in a pub, so

it's like back to back comedy. So every now and again, you know, you miss a show, you get, you just sort of decompress for a minute. But he came with his like, he came with his wife and friends. So he was just there, sat smashing Mario Kart open world, you know. Did you have a go on it? Not properly, but he let me have my photo taken with it. Yeah, I saw that. It was really nice. I like it was a baby, you know.

Normally people get photos taken with other comedians at a comedy festival, don't they? But he had it, took it, he put it in his bag, he didn't, he hadn't got a little case for it and stuff, you know? You haven't started making the generic ones yet, have they? Yeah, they have. Oh, they have. Okay.

They make them in advance, it's all ready to go. But it was a brilliant weekend. Nay, a lovely weekend. Nice, nicely done. Very nicely done. Absolutely, actually. But nothing done. Very nicely done. Absolutely, actually. But nothing more about the Switch 2. You just got to see it and have a tiny little go.

It makes it sadder and sadder because I will be able to buy one. You're having a really tough time at the moment, aren't you? Yeah, I do feel like we can't get a break. We've got the housing situation with a leaky pipe that needs sorted and it's just, we don't know if it's going to be like a thousand pounds or 20 grand. It's like, it's a bit of a mess. It's, we just, we're waiting until we should know a lot more this week. But basically the switch two was going to be a, Oh, I've had a bit of money in splurge. Yeah.

Money all gone, money gone in the floor, digging up the floor. So I think that's just it. I want to buy nickel and nice things too, my wife. So it just feels like we're sort of- Like a pro controller. This is part of the issue of just living in a house that's 2000 years old and has been intermittently worked on by maniacs. So it's 2000 years old.

It's Jesus' house. It's Jesus' house. Do you reckon he went to Teabay on his way up there? I reckon it's, I reckon Teabay is where he walked the start, you know, the stories he was stabbed in the ribs by a Roman. Yeah. And he walk up for a thousand days and a thousand nights on the way he had fish and he kept giving the fish out 2000 times. Yeah.

Everybody, he said, he said, put your hand in your pocket. Oh, everyone had a roll your hand in your pocket. Oh, everyone had a roll of bread in the pocket already. He did that. And then when he finally done all his good work, sat down on a rock, died, that exact spot, Teeba services. That's the true story of Jesus. Is that why people have a cross? Cause it's a T.

It all fits. Over podcasts, what I will say is other podcasts do talk about how it T.B. great, but there isn't a podcast on the face of this planet that says it only exists because it's where Jesus Christ alone died. The blasphemes about how good it is. Now you would, Sunil, please tell us what's going on with you. Heidi Regan showed me a TikTok account last night where they've made a live action biblical story. So it looks like it's videoed in biblical times.

So like Mary, mother of Christ is holding up a phone and doing a face to camera video about, isn't it mad that I'm pregnant, even though I haven't had sex. And what are the comments? I think everyone loves it. It's got like half a million followers. Is it real or AI? It's AI, but someone's just typed in, typed in and has come up with it. And it looks very real.

Do you remember when the Pope died? No. Oh, the Pope died recently. And there were loads of AI videos of him and Mary and Jesus in heaven doing selfies. Oh really? Is it a big thing then? It is a thing. And there's like an AI genre, which is Jesus like hugging like a dog and then the dog sort

of turns and it's a man's face. Have you not seen that one? I keep seeing that one. It fucking freaks me out. And then Jesus has got robot legs and he like marches off. So they don't even need like an existing image of someone to make it. Yeah, they don't need that. They can just make it up. There's quite a few pictures of Jesus knocking around. Like not photos, but like ones people have drawn. Yeah, but they just all made up.

Like there's that one from the church. Yeah, that like bit like you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So now just be careful. We don't want to get into this quite heavy theological territory and they're just making it. And they're just making it all up. I think let's err on the side of caution. He wasn't white. That's all I'm saying. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. in the most of these TikTok videos. Yeah, most of it's incredibly white. An Aryan prince. Yeah. No, I can't be doing my Jesus. You don't think he was a good lad? I think he sort of... Just cause I'm gorgon, Doug turns into human Jesus hug. No, no, James. The thing is Chris is on record

has said, on this podcast, he has said, so it's recorded that Jesus is a good lad. So he can't go back on that now. Jesus is a good lad. There you go. Okay. I sent you the video. Oh my God.

What's the point of that? Jesus, power of Jesus, I guess. Why have you shown us that? I've actually been terrified. No, it's genuinely terrifying. Because it's haunted my dreams. I mentioned it like three weeks ago and I haven't stopped thinking about it. I've been thinking about it for a while.

I've been thinking about it for a while. I've been thinking about it for a while. I've been thinking about it for a while. I've been thinking about it for a while. I've been thinking about it for a while. I've been thinking about it for a while. Why have you shown us that? That's actually terrifying. That is genuinely terrifying. Because it's haunted my dreams. I mentioned it like three weeks ago and I haven't stopped thinking. I haven't spent a day not where I haven't thought about it. As much as AIE is not a real, like a fake industry that doesn't exist and just produces bollocks, it does have a, like, I think these videos that they show have a, like, they move like dreams. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

It's like these, the things they are mapping the inside of. I think they're probably quite close to dreamlike videos. They're really surreal. Do you not think that that's probably how a baby understands the world. And that's kind of maybe where it's at in its growth. It's already better than what you just showed me. Oh my God, man. AI showing us what all babies bro.

Since we did the last episode, I have been contacted by one of our listeners who has given me a very firm update on a dogging hotspot. There is a countryside bit. Off the A69, which is near the sort of it. Well, it's over for the Discord. People got to pay for that. No, I want to, like I said. Surely every lay by on the A69. So you can avoid, like, if you want, we're going to get a map of dogging hotspots that you pay for access to, which helps you keep,

that already exists. It helps you keep away from them. It's a warning, it's a warning system. Sure. Yeah. That already exists as well. But can you really dog in a lay by if there's cars just going past all the time? If you can concentrate, you just got to blank it out, I guess.

What, has the driver going past or? Anyone. Yeah. Why is everyone involved? Yeah. To pretend it's not happening. I told you I saw a porn happening, didn't I? It's quite close to the home of one of Cumbria's richest men who basically is like, it's on

a lane near his house, which he's not happy about, but he tried to apparently lobby to get access to a parish council, but a woodland removed. So basically the thing was it's a comeuppance of horny, like a pest, an infestation of horny pests. Oh, right. In his land. It's exactly, basically saying it's exactly what he deserves. Well, they were dogging in the woodlands.

And now we can see him because they're dogging in the woodlands, but there's no trees. No, no, like near is all the houses stuff. So he's trying to get him off. Is he? It's not the worst thing having doggers in your back garden. I mean, it is actually, you say it like that. They're not good chat. You would be surprised about country people or territorial about who's on their lanes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We were going to have a league club update, I think. Chris? Well, I think. Chris? Well, Sunil. Here is the, here is the, is it country style? Or shall I?

Ah! Sunil, you said, as your league club story. My league plugs are arriving tomorrow. Got the pot. I went to a garden center called the Nunhead Gardener yesterday. Had a chat with the lady there. She was very helpful. She said, in fact, I'm in a very good position to win the competition because we get more warmth and sunlight down here. I said, my friend's in Cumbria, do you think he's got a chance if he's currently

pissing on them? She said she doesn't really know that much about leagues. About Chris. And at that point, and is that the point where she realized exactly, like you're really close to her? You're like 12 centimeters away for a moment. You just said someone had suddenly made that distance very presently clear to her. I can't go back because once I paid for everything I got, instead of saying, am I done, I was asking her if the payment had gone through, instead of saying, am I done, I accidentally said, am I dune?

And then she was like, yep, you're all dune now, so I can't go back. And that dune! Were you trying to say good and done at the same time? No, I was trying to think that I've got to say see you soon because she said come back in at the end of the week for the extra pot I wanted. But ironically you will now never see her again. I'll have to get a different pot. All I'll say is obviously you are free to do in your free time, whatever you like.

All I will say is, do not pursue this route or you will make a very powerful enemy. You cannot do this. I'm simply having a nice time while knowing it's spurring you on to greater heights. This is so far out of your wheelhouse. You cannot do this. It is pathetic and embarrassing to even try. That's all I'll say. How is growing leeks in your wheelhouse? Because? Because you've got a big old garden.

I thought a wheelhouse is usually something that someone's done. I have been studying leeks. No, you haven't. No, you haven't. You've been catching them out literally every week. You haven't even Googled leeks. I won't do it. I can't do it. But I'm learning. Do you think the caveman, do you think the caveman, He didn't have Google.

Who is, the caveman who figured out how to make a waterwheel. Do you think he had somebody off Google telling him waterwheel? It didn't exist. He didn't come up with all of that on his own, did he? It took other people. It took, no, there was a cave man who built a waterwheel. What's that? What's he had into the waterwheel?

Like a thing that pounds corn, grist makes it into flour. What have we got there? The world's first Neapolitan pizza. You know what I mean? That's where I am. Wait, so, so, Caveman in Naples, he's in. No, I think he's got Neolithic and Napoli.

Neapolitan next up. But I think I think I'm no expert on Caveman, but I would guess that before they invented a water mill, they would just build at least build a house. We're getting away from the point. Or the wheel. The point is. Or a standard wheel without, yeah, watering it.

What came first, the wheel or the water wheel? Otherwise it would be called the land wheel. It'd be the wheel and the land wheel. No, but that's just the language thing. Did they figure out this works for water maybe if we just sit on it? Thing is, there's a little known story of the water wheel. There was a guy who was doing the water wheel, just a little bit away in a different valley. There was some other fucking dickhead who said he was going to do a waterwheel too,

and ruined it. Really did pull focus for the main waterwheel guy. It's not about focus, it's about results. That's a good point. If it makes your leaks better, Chris, is it that bad? If it makes your leaks better, Chris, I'm doing you a favor and I am charging it to the podcast, of course. We have an unwritten...

Like last week when you said that, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No one picked me up on that. Do you know what I mean? I hold the purse strings, but I was just like, yeah, none of you pieced together. If I'm just like, yeah, yeah, buy some out of the podcast. What? Can you imagine what stuff I'm running through? It is like my brand new.

Barber jacket. Do you know what I mean? And you're like, don't worry about it. I, although I do keep routinely messaging James, I'd be like, I don't understand how the money works. You keep messaging. Oh yeah. I'm really bad at it, but I'm just, I think everyone knows that my intention in my heart is not to fuck anyone over.

Do you know what I mean? That won't fly in court though, will it? No. In court, there's definitely space. If I've got to win over 12 people, 12 just think of the victor of all people. Of course, not Edinburgh. The judge is going to be like, the evidence is clear cut. No, but I need passion speech for a well-meaning man.

All right. You can have your day in court for failing to distribute Patreon income. You know what my friend does? He works for a company that gives legal assistance. No, legal training for people who are going to court. You know, so basically it's like immersive court simulation. Yeah.

And I think that, I think, I might've got this wrong, but I think at one point they coached. It's not going in. Can I do my court story as well? If it's not going in, cause this can't go in either. It's being executed for crimes against the state. Come on. I want to hear it, but it's not going to go in.

Just banding around names of some of the richest people in the world. You've already got the richest man in Cumbria on our back. Yeah, but that's like, richest man in Cumbria, Doggers. We can talk about this stuff. Not on the podcast. And not put it out. I think we're going to have to speak at some point to our lawyer. How are the leagues going, Snil?

How many baths full of horse shit have you personally filtered through? Well, the leagues aren't coming till tomorrow, I've simply bought a pot and some manure, and the game is afoot. I've also bought some rose bushes as well, so I'm actually growing some other stuff at the same time. So it's just a simple, it's a side project for me, it's not a main concern. It's just, you know, something interesting. I've no, I don't want, I don't need to win anything. When is the competition? Yeah. When is the competition?

When do we come up with our leaks? Yeah. I don't know, but I need to email. To get them to blacklist Sunil. You can't blacklist me. It's going to look terrible. Yeah. That's pretty not cool actually. To ban Sunil. Do you want me to ask whether you can be part of the competition? Yeah, I do.

Then I'll do it. But the people who run the league competition have already got me pegged as a bit of a time waste. Oh, I wonder why. I think they've got me pegged. Is there some like rural lads that do it? That might have fucking, do you imagine you're just a normal working lad and then fucking Willy Wonka shows up? Do you know what I mean? It'd be annoying, wouldn't it?

That's me. I think it'd be even worse if someone came up from London and beat them. Imagine the film. That'd be a great British film, wouldn't it? Yeah, the classic underdog tale. Yeah. Yours would perish on the train. Mine would perish in the pot, I think. I don't think we could do, we can't do a remote check-in.

No, we'll come up. Yeah, we'll come up. We're coming up anyway. We've got to dig up a pipe under your house. Don't show me up. No one's going to show, how are we going to show you up? By talking about the Apple conference or something. I mean, rural Cumbria slash Northumbria, do you know what I mean?

If I say the word podcast to these people, they're getting nosebleed. They don't know what it is. I don't think that's true though, is it? No. They always listen to this. Yeah. They always listen to this. Well, look, we'll discuss it, but I'll keep you updated on, I'll have a, I've

now got a leak club update every week. So this is my thing. Yeah, but you haven't done it. You did plant the leaks now though, right? You sent us a picture of you planted the leaks and you got them big ones at the back. Yeah. And I've started pissing on them again.

You know what I mean? And what I've done is outside of my house, I've got a big like bucket type thing and I'm just like, I'm starving it up over. You're pissing in that? I'm pissing in the bag outside, I'm pissing in the bucket. Mason- You store the piss before pouring it on? Jason- Yeah, so it's like extra fluffy. And then when I built up a diesel supply in the bucket, I'd disperse it all over some of it.

Mason- I'm just gonna, I'll piss straight on them, I think. I won't store it. Mason- With your electrolytes. Yeah. It'd be perfect. Shared under garden. Family are free. Doing satin, satin up and playing a grimy cricket in the garden. Shall we have a letter?

We have a letter. We have a letter. Yeah, read it. Which I'm very excited about reading. Do you want to read it, Chris? No, I don't like that. All right. I'll read the letter. Hi fellas, loving the podcast. Getting the important news out of the way. 13 down, 3 up. Oh, and I have no idea how to grow leeks. That is really bad, isn't it? That is pure oval. Or peak London.

Yeah. Could even be soho. I think soho is that bad, weirdly. Anyway, right. I'm a chainsaw sculptor. If Chris would kindly put a word into the overlords of Hadrian's Wall that I would love the chance to give what's left of the tree a second story. I would be eternally grateful." Mason- Okay, instantly the coolest letter that we've ever had. Al- He's a chainsaw wizard. A chainsaw sculptor. Okay, sorry. Got confused. Jason- I'm sure with this entirely deserved title of writer in residence of Hadrian's Wall that he can encourage the relevant minds in the right direction. Another one of your lies out of control, Chris. No, no. Basically it doesn't exist. So I can take, like it's mine to take.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Now I have to be beaten in a write off. If the podcast gets really popular, I'm sure you could all afford a life-size sculpture of yourselves. But in the meantime, you are welcome to come and have a chainsaw carving experience day at my workshop, which will knock the socks off a paid jet wash experience. P.S. My workshop is on a dairy farm, so I'm sure Chris would feel right at home. Kind regards. Full name? No. Fucking hell.

Kind regards, Simon. Director. Oh. Director. Our first director-level email. He's a director of chainsaws. Bloody hell. Well, we're absolutely doing that. We have to make that happen. What do you sculpt?

Usually, I see there's a guy that does it on the roundabout near us in the summer. What do they look like? It's like a bear and an owl, a big owl. It's usually sort of tall, thin things. They're approximately trunk shaped. Yes. Yes. Yes. Well, that's great. I can't imagine using a chainsaw. No, me neither.

I think it'd be brilliantly satisfying, wouldn't it? It seems like you would want to have a laugh with it. But it would be very serious. Like if you fuck it. There'd be a lot of safety chat before. Yeah. Yeah. But if it, like, if it gets you, it gets you, don't it?

Like, yeah. Yeah. You got, yeah. Yeah. If it gets you, you get got. So you've got to be very careful. It's not like paintball, you know, if any dickhead can play paintball. Well, sometimes it does.

You can be blinded. That's about it really, isn't it? dickhead can play paintball. Well, sometimes it does. You can be blinded. That's bad, really, isn't it? Yeah. But you bounce back. You bounce back, don't you? Tony Knight telly. Well, thank you, Simon. We will take you up on that.

Yes. What a generous offer. That's very kind, Simon. If you want, we'll have a look at your internet router, see if we can increase that speed, the throwback. Yeah, that sounds bad. Yeah. That sounds so bad.

I think at some point, I'll tell you what, in our village, there's some houses up the hill and one over in Farthing law has been one of them that don't have internet good, do you know what I mean? So they have really bad internet. So a mother and father-in-law have had to have this thing where it's basically a SIM card in a satellite Yeah, the blasts out and you get it. It's like very temperamental But now they're getting telephone poles put in to basically get them fiber broadband

I bet Simon could do something cool with them Put their initials in it feels to me like when I drive up my road now, do you know what it must have been like when they're building the American West? Building railroads. It felt like that, like civilization is coming to town. But honestly, that's not why I moved there. You don't want it to happen.

I want to stay small and- Uncivilized. Your words. I want my mother and father gone mother to be on the internet. Well, thank you very much for that delicious offer. Mmm. See you there. Yeah.

See you there. We'll be in touch. Simon will be in touch with you. Least expect it. Price does. Don't sneak up on the chainsaw, man. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns. We value your continued support and would not dare take you for granted.

I, Chris Canchel, am doing the final tour date in Newcastle upon Tyne on the 14th of June, which is this coming Saturday. That was the other day, mate. It's already been out, hasn't it? Yeah, that was the other day. I hope you came. I hope it was fun. I hope you came.

You can also still get tickets to our last live show of the year. It's on the 22nd of November at Fairfield Social Club in Manchester, England. Tickets for that show are in the notes, Chris. They are, they are. I tell you this, and they sell, it's selling very well. If you're thinking of getting someone a Christmas present early. Yeah, you could do that. That's so much to do.

And just by listening to this podcast, I tell you what, it means a world to us, doesn't it lads? Yeah. But if you want it to go the extra mile, the best thing you could do for us is probably give an in real life recommendation to somebody. Maybe it's the guy who's giving you a ticket or your hairdresser. Alternatively, you can leave us a glowing review on Spotify or Apple podcasts. The best way actually to support us though is by becoming a Rural Concerns Patreon. For a small

donation, you'll not only be supporting an independent podcast, which means that we have the power to say fuck off to whoever we want. Like a certain tech billionaire? say fuck off to whoever we want. Like a certain tech billionaire? Or not, but you'll also get weekly bonus episodes. And if you stick around, there's a sneaky peek after the credits. Our artwork is by Poppy Hylsted, our music is by Sam O'Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick Entertainment Lawyer. Burrow Concerns is edited by Joseph. The first computer was the Abagas both and it's produced by Egg

Mountain for a lovely time productions. And I was telling I was talking about a Moscow Moscow fucker. I once went into the countryside and I threw my can of beer and Moretti at two goats fucking. That's your drink of choice, is it? Fair play. The one with salt in it. That one with salt in it.

They've brought that out now, haven't they? Is beer and moretti the one with the bloke? Yeah, it's the bloke. Are you saying they've brought out salted beer? Yeah, salted beer's a thing. Oh my God. Just with a little touch of salt. Kill me now.

Salted butter, salted beer. Salted butter's normal butter. My brother said this, like they always say unsalted butter, add a pinch of salt. So he's like, no, fuck off. Salted butter. And I was like, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I think unsalted if you're cooking something which you want to control the salt levels of. Or maybe if it's a pudding, but then you want a little bit of salt in there anyway. LIAM You do. You do. RILEY This isn't a good chat for the heart chat earlier. Let's promise we'll never die.

BONG RILEY Bong.