Rural Concerns - Lamb nuggets, udders & stolen doughnuts

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

Chris asks if he’s a good man, Producer James moans about his rating average and Sunil can’t get his head around the size of those udders. The boys also officially kick off their feud with the REDACTED. Mild disclaimer: the second half of this ep gets quite meaty. Do you have a Rural Concern? Email [e-mail] and we’ll read it out for a laugh! Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and the Rural Concerns theme tune is by Sam O’Leary [www.samoleary.com]. Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. 

Welcome to RoboConcerns, the podcast for DIY fanatics, potheads and bull tuggers. What? What's a bull tugger? Yeah. If you're in a bull tugger? Yeah. If you're in a field with a prized bullock, you've got to tug it off. Otherwise, it'll kill you. Well, then it's not a specific thing, is it?

It's just a person in a field with a bull. Yeah, but if it's like charging it, you've got to tug it off to incapacitate it. That doesn't make you a bull tugger. That's just a person trying to incapacitate a bull. Bull tuggers are proper. It's a real farmhand job. Oh, yeah, yeah.

There's people who wank off animals, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they get paid good money and come from a long way away. Is that why they're called farmhands? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A farmhand sponsored by barber, do you know what I mean? Just like absolute tech. It's the only thing that sucks.

It sucks through barber jackets, you know, like mean just like absolutely it's the only thing that soaks it soaks through barber jackets you know like the blood from aliens I'll tell you what I went to I went like I do in London got to London

found the nearest Greggs as is my birthright because like everything the cost of everything has gone up you know if you go to service stations

and stuff like that it's like they add a if you go to service stations and stuff like that, it's like they add a couple of quid onto everything and stuff like this. Yeah. Like crazy prices. The thing is, if you find a Gregg's, you can put the price up 100%. It's still a quid. Do you know what I mean? It's like adding 50% a quid or whatever like that.

You're like, I'm away. £1.50. Do you know what I mean? Maths. Some of the easiest maths. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What's your go-to, mean? Maths. Some of the easiest maths. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What's your go-to, Greg?

It's just very cheap city centre eating. I know it's not good for you and you can't live off it, but if you're just knocking around. No, if I'm at Greg's, I'll go for like a sort of caught meat potato type pie or the closest approximation they've got of that. A coffee, maybe a cookie, that sort of thing. Total price, add it all up, 70p.

Do you know what I mean? It's like crazy price. But when I was in a Greggs in London, because there's a queue, there's like, I noticed there's a lot more cost of living. It used to be London and like the North, and there was basically like Greggs and Pret were twinned opposites of each other. Do you know what I mean?

When you're in London, there's so many Pret's. When you're up North, there's like, oh, there's so many, like you're like two Greggs on a street. And it was like that in London, there's so many prets. When you're up north, there's like, oh, there's so many, like you're like two Greggs on a street. And it was like that in London, but with Pret-a-Mangers. I've noticed recently on my journeys, cost of living and that, and feeling the pinch, Greggs is in the ascendancy. So like it is changing on the high street. So I was down there and there was a queue and there was a guy come in

and he was like homeless or having a tough time financially or whatever. He was basically like, had a bit of a sort of older guy, sort of male pattern baldness, but then had like big bits of it shaved off. One football stock up right past his knee. He was like dressed a bit wildly. Do you know what I mean? Like he looked like he probably was homeless. And he had a strut on him that was like a guy about town. Do you know what I mean?

Do you know when you see homeless people and they're always doing a lot of business? Do you know what I mean? They're always moving fast, always got somewhere to be. He had that sort of energy. He walked into Greg's. I just sat out. I went and watched him. And he just walked in with a confidence that I have not seen ever.

And I do sketch comedy with people who went to Eton. Do you know what I mean? I've performed with people who went to Oxbridge. But he walked in with this swagger that I've been trying to copy ever since I saw it. Picked up four, box of four donuts, walked out. And I was nearly, I nearly caught myself grassing him up and I just stopped and I went, you know what?

Cost of living. Crack on lad. Well played. Have I done anything wrong there? I can't grass up a guy who's stealing donuts, can I? Well, no one's going to find him. No, that was me thinking. Yeah.

You're fine. Yeah. Am I a good, am I the good man in this? Are you a good man in this story? In this dynamic? Should I have? What are you going to do? Tackle him to the ground?

Tackle him to the ground. Arrest, citizens arrest him. Citizens arrest him. On behalf, on behalf of Greg's. Greg's. No,

it's not your job. No. Keep your head down. But I have a history of like, when I used to work for Argos, which is in the UK, it's like your job. No. Keep your head down. But I have a history of like, when I used to work for Argos, which is in the UK, it's like a catalogue. Right. When was this?

We're talking 99, 2000 or something like this. Right. Storium or Till? Or Pens. I was basically, everyone was lazy, but basically everyone's like messing around and I was the only one that did any work. This is the, and I took that responsibility of.

What's it like behind the tills? What's it like back there? What happens down there? Well, oh, well, I had a mad story about like, it was horrible. I was like, I was a moody 18 year old or whatever. I honestly, looking back, I was so appalled that I had to work for money at 18. Do you know what I mean? Like getting out into the,

getting out. And my mum and dad were like very lenient, very generous. They were like, you need to pay us like 50 pounds a month or something like that. When I'd left school and that, I was aghast. I was aghast that I had to go and do a bit of, do a Saturday job to pay my board. I thought, how dare these people? So I was like moody all the time and I went and there was like, there was a load of bad characters. Like there was a guy who was like my age, but you know when you're like young and sort of useless,

but he wasn't useless. He was like really good at stockroom. So basically he was like, he elevated up the stockroom job list and he was doing quite good money, but ultimately it's got a feeling she'll be a Tory councillor now. That's the sort of girl she was. Do you know what I mean? She's like 17, telling all the staff about like, you need to stick to your break time, stuff like that.

So everyone hated her. And there was this lad called Iqbal. And he was like, Katie, can I just be honest with you? When I first met you you i wanted to throw some ladders on you and pretend it was an accident but you're actually all right i thought that's it's one of the funniest things i've ever heard in my life you can't imagine this but i was a very i was like when i was working in jobs in my 20s i was a very you know like a company man type guy that was like obsessed with what the company was,

its goals, and stressed out about like inefficiencies that I could see and all this sort of stuff. Do you know what I mean? A very intense young man that was like, come on, guys, stop messing around. We've got to hit these, you know, like that, like way too much. But basically like a Saturday job, no one was doing anything. Everyone was messing around. I'm the only one taking tickets from Argos.

But like that extended into me being the security manager at one point and basically some drug addict stole an Uber and ran off. And I like went, I don't know what was going on with me. I went in full pursuit, like went and chasing him down across his car park and basically got caught up with him and they were like, I've got a needle and I was like, oh, what am I doing?

What am I doing? Why am I doing this? I don't care. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you alright with that, James? I think that's alright. it was a good lot of fun caught the sweets we're kicking

the greasy sweets we're kicking in I'm having a I'm having a 10pm coffee do you know what I mean that's a bad idea why are you doing that it's starting to feel a bit like

Friday night right should we talk about this county show then because this looks big this is big this feels big but I'm really pissed off because what is the county show then? Because this looks big. This is big. This feels big. But I'm really pissed off because...

What is the county show though? What is it? Right. I think it was... What county? Cumbria. Right. The Cumbria show.

So is everyone having a county show this last weekend that's just gone? I don't know. I don't think... Because we had one down here. I don't know, but let's work it back logically. Perhaps all of these guys, these farmer guys, it's all working off like agricultural calendars and stuff into it like that. So maybe they're not on exactly the same day,

but probably around the break of summer season, it's time to get into your agricultural. Oh, I just looked up my favorite county show and it's over. 30th of May. That was on. What was it? Royal Bath and West show. Whoa. I've looked up county shows and I's over. 30th of May that was on. What was it? Royal Bath and West show.

Whoa. I've looked up county shows and I am seeing some big cattle. This looks great. Look at the fucking size of that cow. Where were you looking?

Bath and West show. Can you put it in a group chat? I sent you all that picture of a cow. It's not the biggest one, but it's actually, it's very pretty.

Look at those veiny udders. Fucking, that is a, the size of that fucking udder. Can I tell you something interesting though about cows? Yeah. Yeah, I've been reading a book about the 1300s. Sorry, James is screwing his face up at the udders. I was wincing at the veins, but I like his belt. James, that's what your forehead looks like during somebody's recording.

The veins. The veins. The veins quite close to the surface. Why is he like that? Why is he stressed out? Oh no, it's because Chris has accidentally deleted the recording. No, that's what happens to a cow when it's very full orders. But basically, right, so cows, livestock. Yeah, go on.

Tell us about them. The book I'm reading is about the 1300s. And it's written as, it's called A Time Traveller's Guide to Medieval England. And it's written as a first person travel guide. You know, like as if you were walking through medieval England as someone from now. So he's like as a tour guide, where would you go? What would you do? What would you eat? Like it phrases it in that way. I find it, it's really accessible and interesting and

sort of puts it in my brain good. So that's the book review right there. Put the words be in my brain good. But in this book, so there's a few facts about what would it be like traversing the countryside in 1300s. One of them is there would be many, many more types of litching because lichen, is that werewolves? Yeah. No, you mispronounced this on my podcast before. I just wanted to help you out. I'm sure they'd probably let you know that by your lovely listeners

giving you another one- star review whenever i'm on next i went on j went on james's podcast which generated a one star review and james sent it to me and i said not an episode goes by when you don't mention it i said i said to james i said i am having a laugh and that but i do think sending me this is so you know it's not good for the noggin. Could you please not send me this again, please? It's not good for our average. Yeah. 4.8. Come on.

Lichen. Lichen. Yeah. It took me many years to learn that, I'm afraid. There would be many more types of lichen because basically mass industry has killed them off. So I found that really interesting. The other thing was the livestock in the 1300s would be much smaller because it was in the 1600s that there was a mass breeding drive to make livestock as big as possible. So when you are sending us that picture of that cow with a beautiful big udders,

that is like a sort of, it's a freak. It's a, it like created through purposeful breeding. How do you do the purposeful breeding? Just like get a load of different. Get a big one and breed it with another big one. Push a little one in a pit.

I did ask, we did have an actual historian on a couple of episodes after you, because you told this story and you needed to get an actual academic fact check you're in i did ask her about it she was non-committal in her response cows know whether they bred a load in the 1600s they bred a load of animals they bred all the animals to be bigger well i've just googled how make cows big oh halting the trend towards bigger cows as the size of dairy cows increases their management becomes more difficult and feed

efficiency declines but a change of mindset is needed to halt the trend towards bigger cows so they can get too big i can't get too big for dairy well i've just put a picture i of a couple of sheep with cool haircuts. Oh. Yeah, they do look like them. One's got a nice side part in and the other one's got... One's got dreadlocks. Yeah.

Sort of swept over. Can't see anything. Best in show? For me at least. Without a haircut. We had a county show here with knights on horseback jousting each other. Oosh. Right in the middle of the city.

Wall of Death motorcycle riders as well. Oh, wow. I can't remember, is that Lambeth County Fair or something? I hate biker gang. You know, when you see them on motorway and stuff, I think. I thought they were harmless. I thought they were just old lads. They're almost the biggest losers on the planet.

They're not like criminal gangs. No, they're not. What they are is near retirement marketing directors who have the starting price needed to get on these bikes. They're like, do you know what I mean? They're like 50k, something like that. And you're like, what are you doing? Like dweeb. I like to bring them in, you know, like to the police.

I'm just in services. I've just seen a biker gang. How old are they? There's about 12 of them. They're all between 55 and 65. And they've done nothing wrong. They've done nothing wrong. And they're all riding bikes that must probably cost.

They're very loud. Near half a million pounds amassed. Like, yeah, losers. There's four main bike clubs in the Outlaw Biker scene in the UK. Blue Angels, Road Rats, Comitatus, and Satan Slaves. That's me. No, which one would I want to be? All right.

I'm not, this is not an aggressive boys podcast, but this has rankled me. So I'm just going to put a shout out now that Rural Concerns podcast is going to war with the... B, obviously. I'm obviously redacting the name because I'm not having Chris starting an actual gang war with an actual gang,

even though he reckons he could, and I quote, batter them. No. B, obviously. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no, no. If you've got, listen to every, come at us with everything that you've got. You've basically, you've basically doxxed yourself.

And say, who's been fucking dogs in here? They'll find you. And then what are they going to do? Yeah. Has this got a witch's broom on the front of it? Yeah. Now come at you. I'm not taking the witch's broom down.

Even though it has already generated at least one person who has directly, specifically identified exactly where they live. Someone in the Royal Conc mobile concerns Discord group, available access via the Patreon. And they were like, yeah. And he was like kind of apologetic. He was like, I'm so sorry, but I think I figured out exactly where you live.

You've said like these clues and crucially, I drove past a house with a boom over the door. And you're like, Oh right, okay. And I was like to my wife, I went, listen I think my mom's got me in trouble again. You're going to have to move. I'll take the boom down but I don't want to do it. I just wish you hadn't done

that and I hope James edits it out. I'm just reading about all the murders they've done. Well the United States ones you've got the booze fighters, your Hells Angels, of course, Market Street Commandos, and the pissed off bastards of Bloomington. The pissed off bastards of Bloomington. The satirists.

I'm looking on the website and it says... They've got a website. How criminal can this be? It's better than mine. It does have a guest book. I guess that's a proper 1990s format, isn't it? They've got it in a hiding because they murdered some podcasters. Tell us about your fucking county show. But I didn't go to the county fair.

I missed it. I was doing some business. So basically my wife went and she's done a field report for us. She's recorded some audio of her walking around a country fair. And it's just like we might have to put a little super cut of her exploring a country fair because things are quite tense at home at the minute. She's messaged me with a rural concern that she wants to address in this episode.

Is it about little houses? Little clothes all over the house? No, she said she was gone for one day and you snuck in four pints of whole milk and now she has to have it in her tea. Well, this is what she's doing. I can't remember. Have we spoke about this before, James? Well, I said I support you and she wasn't happy about that. Yeah, and this is what she's doing. Like, I can't remember if we, have we spoke about this before, James?

I said, I support you. And she wasn't happy about that. Yeah. And you were living it up because she was away. Yeah. But basically, I've now got to a point

where I'm like, I'm 40. I don't want to be sad all the time. Yeah, but the milk, the milk's not going to help. No, but she's like gas.

It's not just like, it's not just that, it's not just that it's like she wants to drink it because it's like healthier, the semi-skimmed, the green top milk. It's the lies that that is nicer than whole top milk. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And it's like something's broken in my head where I'm like, no, it's not nicer.

It's horrible. So I've started getting too small. We're having one'm like, no, it's not nicer. It's horrible. So I've started getting too small. We're having one big milk, a whole milk, a smaller, perfect, semi skimmed milk and a whole milk. Yeah.

And I'm just like, I've gone a bit. I want to be happy. Yeah, that's great. I mean, that works. That's,

that's a very good compromise. But she sent you a picture of my milk. I feel like this is a betrayal. Well, what's so impressive about the milk is that she sent me a picture of it on the 8th of june about half of it's gone already on the 8th of june she sent me that picture but the use by date is the 17th so i think it actually lasts longer than semi-skimmed milk maybe it does because the fat content because the fat content The goodness, the good funness. This terrible woman, while I was away, took our son to the Cumbria show.

So she was like, I was getting like, I got upward of 50 voice note messages where she's like talking about it, like reportage, you know what I mean? And you're all, all right, love, this isn't serial. So she bumped into, like, this is the this isn't cereal. So she bumped into, like, this is the stuff

that they were doing. She bumped into, there's animal judging and she bumped into Farmer Michael, my friend, and he was showing a dog. How many different animals

are they judging? I was shocked that they were doing a show of dogs, you know what I mean? Because I'd have thought it'd have been like, look at this sheep,

look how many udders it's got. Yeah, because dog, that's a standalone event that will sell tickets any day of the week. Yeah, but they've got a dog in who was having a dog and he was done up. So they're doing that.

They've got quite. What? It's called Q-U-O-I-T-S. Yeah, what's that? I don't know. What do you think it could be? Can I Google it? No, let's guess first and then confirm it.

Quite. Is it some sort of game? It feels like a game, doesn Google it? No, let's guess first and then confirm it. Coits. Is it some sort of game? It feels like a game, doesn't it? Or maybe it's like branding thieves or something like that. You know, like people who've been fiddling with sheep or something like that. It's just, is it like a donut? A donut. Is it like a donut?

Like a rubber donut and you chuck it on a stick. Is that what you think it is or is that what it is? That's what I reckon Coit says. And I'm a veteran countryside man. Ah, of course. I'd say I'm exactly, am I exactly right? Oh, you're exactly right, yeah. Good.

But then how did I deal with the guys who'd been fiddling with sheep? Like, where are they getting branded? Well, you let the police deal with that the other attraction was a burger van with a really long queue yeah she said that was massive but a tiny while i'm saying that aloud a tiny bit a tiny alarm bell is ringing in my brain that if anyone from the rural community legitimately listens to this that'll be flayed alive uh in a field so i'll just have a i'll have a little think over on that one yeah i mean there's absolutely nothing informative for the local

people in this podcast no i very routinely get which county i'm in wrong i don't really ever google anything i'm talking about you know how much did a sheep cost i think we said 12 quid it's like it's how much does it did you find out did you speak to your mind a sheep cost i think we said 12 quid it's like how much does it did you find out did you speak to your mate i told i think i told you didn't i was i spoke to oh wait mate i did did i not did i not talk to i did i'd spoke to you guessed you guessed how much a sheep but i followed it up didn't i i don't think so no you did you told me that you spoke to him and you were too scared to record yourself speaking to him. So you gabbled into a microphone afterwards.

So you got all the information out that you'd learned. And you sent me that voice message and I've never listened to it. I can play it. It's two minutes long. No, no, no, no. Listen. Right. Sorry, this is a bit of a callback.

I thought we'd discuss this. So if you might remember, like a while ago, we were talking about lambing season. Yes. We basically like, what is lambing season? We did a bit of a deep dive via some improvised theatre. So it was quite educational, but I felt kind of guilty off the back of not doing any research on any conceivable scale.

So what I did was I went away and I spoke to my friend, Farmer Michael, full rural concerns completist, will be aware he does refer to me as Stephen. That's fine. That's not a problem. It was Farmer Michael. And Farmer Michael, he sort of recently turned 70. So happy birthday, Farmer Michael.

But I asked him questions about his lambs. He's a lambist. Is that the realbs. He's a lambist. Is that the real word? He's a full-time lambist, but he's sort of got half an eye on retirement. So this is not running up. This is not like a massive, the biggest style farm that we have in the area. Crucially, those farmers will not really engage with me or talk directly to me. So Farmer Michael's the best that we've got. Farmer Michael was telling me that when it's

lambing season, the lambs are sold when they are about 12 to 13 months old. So basically, he's had a lambing site, basically keeping it for a year, investing in it. I asked him how many lambs he's got. And he said, he doesn't count the individual lambs. He counts just the yows and he has 75 of them. 75 yows? 75 yows. Is that like the female? I would presume so from that because they're the ones that be birthing the lambs, isn't it? Yes. So 75 yows, lambs coming out of them. That's it. So this is the interestingbs, isn't it? Yes. So 75 yows, lambs coming out of them. That's it. So this is the interesting bit, the money.

Depending on the time of year and the breed, because a lot of it is like, you know, what's the market cost of a lamb and a breed? And that fluctuates depending on time of year and availability and lots of factors. So depending on the time of year and the breed, a lamb could sell for anything between £150 to £200, which is more than I maybe thought it would have been. But I don't know why, because I've got no real basis on.

But like, so these lambs are kind of worth like an invest. It's a long-term investment. But as Michael said said the more expensive breeds of sheep can be even more expensive to rear due to the quality of feed and often the fact you'll need to pay a vet to come and deliver them via cesarean which is i think when you think about it sort of nightmarish you know like they're making's sort of nightmarish. You know, like they're making, like sort of breeding odds. Are they breeding them so like big and mad

that they won't naturally come out so they need to get in a, like, I don't know. So that's it. That's lambing 101. That's actually educational. That is actually, yeah,

I don't really know what to say. That is actually quite interesting. Just looking on Waitrose, a whole leg of lamb is estimated to be £38.50. They got four of them. So that's 160 just in legs. What else can you sell if you sold the legs?

Shoulder. Two shoulders? Yeah. Back? The wool. Head? Yeah. Testicles.

How much are you getting for head and testicles? Depends who's asking. Buy lamb. sweetbreads online UK and London oh they've got three in the picture seems weird

but that's the pancreas though isn't it sweetbreads oh yeah it's the heart and the throat yeah oh right not the

pancreas um half a kilo 22 quid how much is in one animal this is beyond our remit. Butchery.

We need to get back on him. We've done a bit of research. We need to know more. While we've just been talking about the nuts and bolts. 350 each for a bollock. Exactly. No. Is it?

I mean, if they're getting three bollocks out of it, then there's, do you know what I mean? Seven quid's worth of bollocks in every lad. Yeah. Oh, there's a plate of five. Two? Seven quid's worth of bollocks in every lad. Yeah. Oh, there's a plate of five. Two and a half boys gave up that for that plate. You've just gobbled them down

like that. You've just gobbled those bollocks down, James. You've just gobbled those bollocks down. You haven't even... The meat is soft and devoid of fat or sinew.

It's easy to prepare. What you're talking about there, that's what we call countryside Friday night. Do you know what I mean? Plate of bollocks, Frank's hot sauce. They are called a lamb's fry.

How do you cook them? Boiled. Boiled tubes. Five boiled bollocks for sir. And this episode is brought to you by Frank's hot sauce. Breaded and fried. Oh, breaded.

Yeah, like a little chicken nuggeted mmm yeah like a little chicken nugget yeah like a big lamb nugget oh I always think that like eating a testicle would be like

you know an anti-ferrero rocher like probably a similar sort of consistency well like if you went to an ambassador's

you would not think that you were special they'd probably try to get people to leave if you bring a pyramid Ambassadors, you would not think that you were special. They'd probably try to get people to leave. If you bring to help a pyramid of bullets. Ambassador, you're really trying to make us go home. The ambassador's receptions were noted in society for the host being really weird and serving a pyramid of testicles.

Listen, I know that this podcast would not be defined as a profitable venture at this current juncture when we are brand new, but hear me out. No, I don't want to because I know it's going to be something related to sheep's bollocks. No, it's not. I think we should, together, as a unit, as a podcast, sponsor a goat. To do what? To go into mailing in Europe. No, we should sponsor a goat to just live its life

so it doesn't have to have its... I like goats. So if we've got this goat on a farm that's sort of ours in part and we could visit it when we want. I thought when you sponsor a goat you you give it to a family that uses it for milk and stuff yeah it's not like you let it have its dreams and stuff it's not like yeah put it in a field we'll pay for that there's a field with a goat in it and it's ours and we can sort of go and see it when we want and ruffle its hair and that. If I bought a field and I let anyone sponsor a goat to go in that field,

so many people would sponsor those goats and there'd be so many goats in my field. Somebody's got to pay for the field. Do you understand? So you can sponsor as many goats as you want, but you need a field for them. Yeah, but presumably the goat sponsoring place... Has its own field.

Has its own field. Presumably it's like a retired city banker that was like, I can't be doing with this anymore. I can't be doing with All Bar One anymore. I'm going to move to the countryside and open a field and... Do you know what you do not?

My cheese off that idiot from Blur and I'm going to have a goat and I'm going to let people buy goats and put them in. I was being too cynical. You're absolutely right. I just Googled sponsor goat. And yeah, you can sponsor a goat in just some nice little park.

Just to live in a field. But the only concession that we have to do is the goat. The field, it has to be hamster teeth. Oh, you can choose its name. Can we name it? Can we name it? No, from a drop-down down box we can't call it farmer bugger turn leo connie polly trevor jacks olivia flick billy bob pudding if anybody listens

to this podcast has the means to which to allow us to name a goat please get in touch immediately at christopher at a lovely time.co.uk we're talking hard money here. We want to call, we want to call a girl, Farmer Bugerton. Yes, that'd be good. One kilo of lamb's bollocks for £4.20. I've just put a picture in the chat of,

yeah, this is for dogs. Yeah, looking at that, it's producer James has said it's a shopping, it's a dog, it's a box of lamb testicles, one kilogram's worth of lamb testicles for dogs. It's got four paws next to it or five paws next to it.

No, it's got a five paw rating. Yeah. Five paw, zero customer reviews. So we don't know what these dogs think. I thought dogs would be, but you know what? In this economy, 420 for like, you know what, in this economy, 420 for a load of bollocks. That sounds.

Is this the time to plug the Patreon? Yeah, yeah, that's what I was going to say. You can pay 420 for a load of lamb testicles, but if you really want

to throw your money at a load of bollocks, you can sponsor us on Patreon. That is the most seamless, tightest link that has ever been. We are on Patreon.

This podcast exists for a love of countryside business and talking about inner city jousting and stuff like that. And as far as we know, no one's touching these things. Maybe because there's not a massive uptake in interest for it, but you don't know what you want until someone's talking about feature ceilings and one kilogram of lamb testicles in the same podcast you don't know what you want do you need to let us let us show you what you want please sponsor yeah i'm not gonna jump in and help you please help me son hell please please help this podcast for the part for the price of less

than a pint it'll go in a field it gets to go in a field yeah you get to put us in a field and feed us lambs testicles and you can choose our names if you if you go in at the free three pound tier you can get as two-thirds of a box of lambs testing if you sponsor us at the three pound tier, you can get two thirds of a box of lamb's testicles. If you sponsor us at the top tier, four pound 50, we can have a full box of lamb's testicles. And that's really what this entire project was about. Buy a man a box of lamb testicles

and you'll feed him a box of lamb testicles, but teach a man to get a box of lamb testicles. I don't know. I don't know, but it a man. Teach a man. To get a box of lab testicles. I don't know. I don't know, but it involves a curved knife. But I don't think we need to come back to this because I believe that we've locked that off. If you're, please sponsor this podcast. Please keep it going.

Mainly because the money that we get from it goes into the pockets of Joe our first draft first pass editor who takes out a lot of the ums and ahs and around 90%

of the lambs bollocks and saves producer James literally days I think we should look at the letters now we've had some letters in. Yeah, one of them's really long. Do you want to do...

One of them's like much too long. Do you want to save that one? Let's see. What do you think, James? The Daniel one has got lots of... It's a roundabout story about all these power tools he's bought. Yeah, like there's a theme with these letters. I'll read the first one.

Actually, do you want to read the first one from Laura? Okay, here's a letter from listener Laura. Hello, Laura. Hello, boys. I'm still very much enjoying the podcast. That's an interesting choice of words. Next to each other, isn't it? Sounds like just about, doesn't it?

That simple. Yeah, kind of. I don't think we changed tack anyway. Anyway, I wanted to let you know I read an article today that proves there is a panther roaming around

Cumbria please be careful then there's a link there's a link oh yeah yeah yeah and there's a picture of a large black cat yeah and and this link isn't that is that is

that a real picture I think it's a real picture of a panther I don't well the link is coming from BBC country file yeah the DNA it's got a real picture of a pamphlet. I don't. But the link is coming from BBC Country File. Yeah, it's got a DNA confirmation of it. But they don't

confirm the farm. Do you know what I mean? There's a secrecy about they're keeping it quiet. But I am in Cumbria, nearly. So I believe I need to find out where this is and go there. Right. I don't think you need to. I think there are people much better equipped to do it than you.

Well, what do you think you're going to do? People to do what with it? Shall we look at it? Just have a look. I just want to look over a wall and see a massive panther and be like, you're right, lad, leave it. All right. Okay.

There's a panther. That one thing uh letter continues also i think people should be allowed to wear loungewear outside i bought myself a jumpsuit and my mom has forbidden me from wearing it out but the kardashians wear that sort of thing all the time and their mom is fine with it yeah that is true i don't i have nothing against jumpsuits i'm talking about tracksuits okay laura please do i i've i'm not even i don't i'm not gonna judge you because you listen to this podcast but i'm specifically talking about those like baggy gray sweatpants laura please please do listen closely if you're gonna send us a letter oh sorry i thought you're gonna say something i thought you're gonna give her a warning yeah yeah I started and I was like, what are you doing?

And I too love CEX. I once went online and bought every single 1P DVD so I could have a mini blockbuster in my flat. The postman was furious about carrying sacks up the stairs. That's what it's all about. It is all about that. You go there, you buy the cheapest stuff. It's brilliant.

These are all themes. These are all things that we've spoken about on the podcast but when you put them together like that with minimal context it does sound like someone who's not quite all there are they like i wear jumpsuits cx is great and you're okay do you want to can i get someone for you love like the the like it's almost like the letters of a mirror reflecting back to us what we're like. Are we mad?

This is a mad podcast. We've no consistency, our faves. Laura, thank you for your letter. Next time, if you could include also your internet upload and download speeds. Yes, please. Come on, man. We can't be getting to the hard yards. and download speeds. Yes, please. Yeah, come on, man. We need to... Come on, man. We can't be getting to the hard yards of...

We're not reading any more letters unless they start with upload and download speeds, please. I think as well, I think I need a bit of... Like, we've touched on the idea of a county show, and I believe that we're sort of on the path to understanding it. But I think the one thing that would really help us get into the mindset of a county show is by ringing the improvised theatre bell.

I can't, I'm not ready to do it yet. I'm going to need a couple of weeks to like pull this one together because it will be the biggest piece of devised theatre that I've ever worked on. You've got an Edinburgh show to write. I wouldn't worry about it. I've got an Edinburgh show to write. I wouldn't worry about it. I've got an Edinburgh show to write. And from the preview performance I did last night, oh my, I've got a lot of work to do.

But you know what's a lot easier than writing an Edinburgh show? Coming up with a fictional county fair. So that's all I'm saying. It's not ready for this episode. I'm going to go away and work on it in the devised theatre minds, but just something to brace yourself for a future episode. Because we need to understand this thing. This is a phenomenon that we need to get our head around.

Yeah, I understand. Artwork was by Poppy Hilstead. And music... That was by Samuel Leary, Little Noddy Boy. Produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. And if you want to get in touch with rural concerns, share your rural concerns and internet speeds, drop us a line at christopher at olovelytime.co.uk

Yes, please. You can support us on Patreon. And review us on Spotify and Apple. Podcasts, please, with a five-star review. Minimum five stars. Minimum five stars. Also, I'm just tacking this on the end without permission. I'm going to the Edinburgh Fudge Festival.

Please come and get tickets. It's the only reason I started doing this podcast. Please come. Please come to my Edinburgh Fringe show. Did that sound too desperate? Yeah. And thanks very much to Joe for editing. Thank you, Joe, to editing.

Has it started? It has, yeah. I'm trying to eat as many sweets as possible. What is that? What are you eating there, Chris? What's that? Little shit sweets. Shit sweets.

Little shit, like they're greasy. I don't know what they are. Greasy sweets. They're like slimy. They're like cheap sweets. They'll be from the county fair. MUSIC