Rural Concerns - Leased lines, concerned citizens & the goblin prince

Episode Date: May 28, 2024

This episode is brought to you by our sponsor, Blue Top milk! Chris’ silly life takes an even sillier tangent as he joins a guild of vigilantes, Sunil thinks it’s okay to record everybody and Producer James doesn’t need to do a special voice. Sunil and James also help breathe life into Chris’ new high fantasy novella… Are you a litterbug? Drop us an email at [e-mail].  Rural Concerns is now on Patreon! Thanks to everyone who’s supported this daft podcast so far. For more check out https://patreon.com/RuralConcerns. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead. Our music is by Sam O’Leary [www.samoleary.com]. Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Welcome to Rural Concerns, the podcast for the country curious who long to fuck off the city and ride a horse through fells hunting poor people. I fucking knew it. I knew that's what you wanted to do. No, that's not me, is it? I'm just saying if that's you, then welcome to this podcast. Welcome back to Mobile Concerns. I've got some immediate news that I need to share with you both. All right, go on. Do you know that this podcast is probably 50% free lads having a safe laugh,

50% middle-aged blokes talking about internet speed tests? Yeah. Right. So last time, for people that weren't listening, we started talking about, we started doing internet speed tests just because we wanted to compare different bits of the world where we live. I live rurally. Producer James

lives in a cul-de-sac. There's just him and his family and ex-prime ministers all live around him because he's doing all right. And Sonny lives in the dense metropolis that is the mega city of London. So we were like, wanting to see what we've got in terms of broadband. So we all have very standard ones. James has got a high one. But then my friend Peter, who lives in the Yorkshire Dales and owns a self-catering accommodation, sent us his internet speed test. And Peter was rocking 583 megabytes per second download and 546.4 megabytes per second upload.

Absolute overkill that. Absolute overkill. You'd market that as a 500 up and down. That's like a Mark Zuckerberg grade. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? This is off the charts. Instantly, he's at the top of the leaderboard,

which is becoming a thing now. I'm so sorry, Sonal. But basically I was like, you know what? I need to do a bit of digging. And I think that's what this podcast is becoming, like a research sort of true crime type vibe. Do you know what I mean? Like this is a documentary what we're doing.

It's like serial, isn't it? It's like serial. That's what I was going to say. It's exactly cereal, isn't it? It's like cereal. That's what I was going to say. It's exactly like cereal. I got Peter, I grabbed him on a WhatsApp message to be like, okay, mate, come on, be honest. What's going on with his internet speed test DRs? And it basically, it's kind of interesting. So it's a non-profit to lay full fiber to rural houses. It's a non-profit, like I said, it's all volunteers that do it. And the farmers need to let the cables go over the land for free and the community dig out the trenches for it yeah and peter was a project leader and he had to get

the farmers to agree and he pays 33 pounds a month for that is he running a cult is it a cult it sounds like a cult it sounds yeah like and everybody's wearing white and they're all digging like fully digging up the fields and uh what else is in those trenches that's what exactly what they burn down there the impure do you know the ones that wouldn't but basically you need that he needs that grade of internet speed so that when uh you know the cops come waco style he's uh he got instant feedback it's like now he can email himself out of there drink it now like so that's a good that's a good bit of research,

isn't it? It definitely is. It's not the most, it's perhaps not the most interesting thing, but it is. I'm just like, there's no way.

I mean, how much, how much, how much is it? How many people need to band together? How many, how many mates does he need? It must be a community,

mustn't it? So it must be, it can't be someone, guy on his own. It must be everyone pitching in to talk after everybody in the community. I remember when I worked for an office in central London

and we were trying to get at least fibre internet line installed, which involved contacting the council about digging up the road. And it took, I think, seven to nine months for it to actually happen. That's not too bad. It was a lot longer than we'd hoped. Yeah. What did you have before that? When we were moving our office from out of town into town and we needed to get a lease line installed and it took nine months right okay but it sounds like this you just have a chat with a farmer get some

of your acolytes get yourself yeah get it done in for free but it just goes to show doesn't it this is collective community action still important still worth doing can we just drill down into like the specifics of like what these different terms mean because like if we're going to continue talking about this in every episode for the rest of the duration of this however long we keep doing this podcast for don't do that that sounds non-committal that sounds non-committal that's that sounds so no if you don't mind me saying that sounds like we get 10 episodes in a new bounce. What is a leased line? You know how the internet goes to the end of your street

and then everyone jumps on that. And if, you know, Gary and Jane across the road are like, you know, gamers, they're going to nick most of the internet and you can't do your... Is that right? You can't look at your videos online. Yeah. Do you know, know like that's why like at like peak hours in the olden days when everyone came back from work and they'd get on the thing that everyone's speed would drop down is that regardless of who your provider is yeah as well if everyone's on the same provider right but it's likely it's but i guess it's you, like I'm starting to guess now.

Yeah. But I know that at least line is basically you get that internet right to your house. No one else can touch it. Oh, I see. You've got your own cable, like a hedge fund or something. If you want any more than that, I think you're pushing us too much. We're trying to be like serial and you're asking too many questions.

Yeah, but serial didn't gloss over details. It did explain what murder was. Serial, like everything else, it's like, do you know what? They don't let facts get in the way of a good story, do they? And that's what me and James have come to you with lots of, like this is like a Hollywood film, what we've just outlined there. Well, I've seen the bullet points on the shared document and it doesn't look like a Hollywood film.

£3.03 PCM bill. Never't look like a Hollywood film. Three, three pound PCM bill. Never seen that in a Hollywood film in my life. Peter was a project leader, had to get the farmers to agree. That does sound like a Hollywood film. Yeah. That does, doesn't it? It's like a pucky, a pucky young upstart who owns

several self-catering accommodations in the auction sales. I'll take it all back. This is, these bullet points are a Hollywood film and the payoff is three three pounds per month yeah they do that in post script text at some point this year peter is going to take receipt of a five foot high canvas painting of me in the nude that he bought off a friend of mine, Poppy Hilstead, who did the artwork for this podcast. She's doing a web series. I still don't fully understand it, but for that,

she needed a five foot high pictures of me on oils. And it's amazing. And Peter's bought it to help fund the project. And he's going to put it up in this party house in Yorkshire. And it's going to like, it's big. It's going to put it up in this party house in yorkshire so and it's gonna like it's big it's gonna take up a full wall so when you know like absolutely wasted hens and stags are gonna have the picture taken with it forever more but when i had it done when i had that picture you know like my life is a succession of like ridiculous things like this. People ask me to do weird stuff and I'm like, yeah, I'll do it.

With this one, I was like, oh God, is this something that I need to tell my wife about? Do you know what I mean? I said, listen, I need you to take a sort of, pretty much a naked picture of me. And she just took it. She didn't even ask. Do you know what I mean?

Didn't ask. And then like, didn't, you could have sent that to someone. Wasn't bothered. And I, I think in one light, you could say that it's just a testament to the trust of our relationship, but you could also look at it another way and think that she can't really be bothered. Do you know what I mean?

Like she's had enough of this man and his bullshit. It does mean that when she wants a nude photo taken of her, you can't ask any questions oh god please don't ask my wife listens to every episode as soon as it comes out please don't ask me for a nude picture to send to some random person i can't do it i can't i'm not as strong as you and those stags and ends though when they take those pictures they're gonna be able to upload them like that straight on Insta. As long as they don't know who I am and they don't join the dots and tag me,

which the way my career is going, I think I'll be absolutely A-OK with. Unless the people taking the pictures have watched, you know, like unless they've watched Late Night Mash Series 2 on Dave at 11pm. Avoidance. You were in avoidance, Dave at 11 p.m. Avoidance. You were in Avoidance, weren't you? I was in Avoidance. There you go. Yeah.

Stand Up 2 Cancer. All right. This isn't my show, really, is it? Come on. But if you want to see a naked picture of me, you need to hop online. I'll put the – do you know what? I was going to put the website address of this home in Yorkshire, but then I thought, you know what?

I should check in with Peter first. We're having a laugh, but it's a serious business. But then again, how serious can it be? If it's going to have a five-foot naked picture of my body, it looks like a Lucian Freud or something, you know. Who, out of interest, does he now own the rights to that painting so he can get it printed, get cards made, wrapping paper, that kind of thing? You know. Who, out of interest, does he now own the rights to that painting so he can get it printed, get cards made, wrapping paper, that kind of thing?

You know what? I don't think it's been discussed. But I made him promise me that if my pool's money comes in, I'm allowed to buy it back. Is that on paper? It's not written down anyway. It's a good faith agreement.

Just verbal though? Yeah, just verbal between two mates. And that's fine. That never goes wrong. What are you tapping away at? I'm trying to find this picture of me but i don't think i can i'm just gonna drop it in the chat but it's not all of it it's just uh is this the painting or the original the painting you don't get the original i'm just googling kirstenrell nude and I mean there's a Chortle article about it industry news article

about it that's the only way Chortle would ever recognise that it exists it's a hell of a piece it's a hell of a piece have you seen it? I remember it yeah

I think it's beautiful it's just so big it has a rawness it does it's completely unnecessary yeah yeah it's dangerous it needs to be you can't put that in somebody you can't slap that in the middle of someone's seven like everyone gathered at this grand house for to celebrate nana's

75th you know i mean it'll send them into a rotting frenzy all right follows you around the room. No, I tucked it in. Okay, so I've got to try and do my other bit, James. What's it called? The Guild of Investigators? The Guild of Concerned Citizens. Right. It's the working title. Have you set up a program? Are you a detective now? Honestly, yeah.

And I'm going to tell you a little story that goes like, it goes back to last year when basically I found myself in a WhatsApp group. As a man of my schedule and the amount of time that I'm at home during the day, we'll tend to find himself in. Do you know what I mean? Like people go to work and are busy and they come home at seven and they're tired and they have a beer and they go to bed. Whereas if you're just knocking around mid-morning Tuesday, you're getting broiled in pensioner business. Do you know what I mean? I get embroiled in schemes a lot. The village was awash with excitement because we suddenly noticed that at three different points

around the village, three security cameras went up seemingly without anybody knowing about it. This, I don't think this is a big thing in the city. I think you're just used to being surveilled on an industrial scale and don't care. Do you know what I mean? If there's a camera on your street lamp, but here I rankled the libertarian energy of the rural community,

do you know? And we were trying to- The naked guy in the woods. The naked guy in the woods. He was like, I don't want to be caught on film. So we basically, we didn't know where these cameras came from. And myself and a few others basically formed a WhatsApp group to do some digging, to find out what was going on with these CCTV cameras.

And honestly, it was the most fun that I've had in my adult life. Real famous five stuff, isn't it? Proper famous five stuff. It was basically me, my wife, and our two lovely friends who are basically the only communists in the community. So we're getting like a house on fire, but we basically like, they run self catering accommodations too

and stuff like that. So we basically all have a chunk of time during the day, which is our own. I, yeah, I should be working. There's things that could be done to further my own career. But what I chose to do was spend that time working with these guys to really drill down.

You know, like we tried to figure out when the cameras went up yeah and then it turns out when we started looking at him a guy from the parish council had already knew and was doing his own investigations and it went it went on and on and on that's like you getting in the way of the fbi investigation exactly being told to back up and he was like i'll sort it with this but we basically pursued it from lots of different angles we tried to establish a timeline we tried to find out whether anyone would know and basically got to the point where we got basically ringing you know like different like the not the police uh the count and we're over a county line as well and the cameras

sat technically in different counties. So one county knew nothing about it. One county was like, we can't comment. So we were like, what is this? And it basically got up to the point where we were told it was an investigation by the Met. And I was like, this is a lot of fun. I was like, this is a lot of fun, but we need to stop now. But the other people in the group were like, they had blood in the nostrils. They a lot of fun but we need to stop now but the other people in the

group were like they had blood in the nostrils they was like no we need to know and i was like guys wow guys we've hit so it's kind of like the cia basically well if it's the mate like i think that's a national grade crime investigation i said to i said you know what i mean i don't like coppers as much as the next person but at the end of the day if this is something to do with like drugs terrorists or pedos then i do want to let them crack on what's the deal with like so is it basically the met are doing it because the criminals are based in london or is it just because it's a big crime i don't know my instant thinking is county lines, drug stuff. The only other thing was we live quite close to like a military base, like an RAF base. Aliens.

It's aliens. It's aliens. Probably. Or Russians. Or Russians. Russian aliens. Russian aliens. Exactly.

So this was like just the fun of it. But then it went quiet when we hit the wall of like, we can't dig anymore now. Because we're actively, actively inserting ourselves into an ongoing police investigation. It's weird that the Met would put up cameras

that are so, you know, visible. I mean, if you can see them, surely the criminals can. Or aliens. Yeah, yeah. But they're kind of discreet. They're not like big, flashy orange ones

or like that. They're just on the top of, so basically, if it's a stretch of road, if it was county drug lines or something like that, if it's a stretch of road that people drive through to do deals here and there, they'll be familiar with it and they're used to doing it. So you wouldn't be looking...

It took us a long time to notice them. We all noticed them at the same time, but we think they've been up for a few months. It just like... But what I found interesting about it is the like i say lived in cities and i do think you you don't blink when this stuff happens day to day but in this community it really did like that there is like not libertarian but like uh you know like a freedom of speech type self do you know what i'm trying to say like Like it's live free or die mentality, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And this is our, like our sovereignty is important and stuff like this. Englishman's home is his castle. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Big time. So I was like, and they've got burn pits. They've got burn pits. I don't want anybody taking my log burner. Do you know what I mean? It's like,

I will kill, I will become an armed man if they're going to try and take my log burner. I need it. Or my Jaguar, which is eligible for you, Les. I need it. I need it. Sorry, Sadiq Khan. It's interesting because I film a lot of people on my street with my camera.

I'm presuming it's like a doorbell camera. It's a doorbell camera. Oh, okay. And the amount of stuff, it's so crisp and it's like, it records all the time. No one cares. There's cameras everywhere, personal cameras everywhere, CCTVs. Aren't you supposed to tell people? Well, no, because it's just, you're allowed to video your own property.

Yeah, but should you be able to, like, because... You can film anything you want. Well, I'll take that back. If you are a lawyer listening to this podcast, please could you get in touch because I think Sunil's walked himself into the hague.

Loads of people have got a ring camera. The police told me to buy a ring camera. Yeah, exactly. It's widescreen, so it films like half the fucking street. What, like a ring camera? Like one of those

spotlight things that Instagram... No, no, sorry. The the brand name is ring so it's like the it's a doorbell camera i thought you meant like a ring light you know like an instagrammer oh so the burglar's really well just everyone looks great yeah it's everyone who's going to your thing looks brilliant my uh my friends were away on holiday for a week and um they accidentally got an amazon package delivered you know the day after they left they were like oh we're not going to be able to get to were away on holiday for a week and um they accidentally got an amazon package delivered you know the day after they left they were like oh we're not going to be able to get to it so they were just watching it every now and then looking at it and then it alerts you whenever anyone's in your front yard um and so they went it disappeared one day and they looked through it just at all the

alerts and it was like a lot of people just walking back and forth looking at the parcel someone coming in to grab it shake it and then throw it back and then one person finally like after looking at it three times plucked up the courage ripped the box apart took out the insides and then sprinted off but that's all on all on that like there's so much footage like that basically that people have got personally and i think that creates some of the best YouTube compilations you've seen. But we live in a golden age of just putting stuff on the fucking step, don't we? It's like we've gone mad, I think. Well, no, back in the day you used to do that, didn't you?

You know, you wouldn't expect people to thieve it. There was a spate of burglaries of the gold top. Gold top is the creamy one. Yeah, the premium. The premium, the premium, premium. I'd thieve that if I saw it. It top is the creamy one. Yeah, the premium. The premium, the premium, premium. I'd save that if I saw it. It's good stuff, that.

Creamium content, premium content. You know what I mean? It's worth getting the creamy one for cereal. Oh, absolutely. Especially Weetabix. It elevates it. My wife's been gaslighting me for 11 years we've been together. It's like, I don't mind,

like we have semi-skimmed top, green top, and we have done for years's like i don't mind like we have semi-skimmed top green top and we have done for years and i don't mind doing that because it's healthier do you know what i mean but what i cannot have is that she's been gaslighting me into thinking that it is better than whole milk do you know what i mean and she's right the other do you know, I've just been told this lie for so long where I'm like, yeah, it's nicer. I think it's nicer. And then I was somewhere else, like in a hotel or something like that.

And I had some whole milk and I thought I've been lied to. Yeah. I've been lied to. And this is bullshit. I mean, I'm not allowed to... We share the cost of milk, myself and my flatmate.

But if I ever get the blue one, she kicks off. What? Says it doesn't taste nice. Yeah. The blue one is the best one. I meant to say blue top when I said gold top earlier. It was blue top. We're not actually getting gold.

Gold top is a thing, though. You know that. It is. It's like Jersey double cream or something, isn't it? It's like the premium elite milk. It's basically like pouring slightly warm butter on your cornflakes. And it's like the premium elite milk it's basically it's basically like pouring slightly warm butter on your cornflakes and it's amazing my wife's just my wife's just been away for work for a week and you know i've been at home well i was away for a bit as well but when i'm back i'm

looking after my son and he's like having his cornflakes and he's like what's that dad i'm like that son is a taste of freedom. And for the rest of the week until mum's home, we're going to be living that up. And then the minute I get her shared location pin, shared on WhatsApp, I'm going to pour it all down the sink. But the party's got to end sometime. Yeah, it really is something else.

But yeah, I might try and get blue milk, see what happens. But I think there's an aversion to it with some people. It's too rich for them. Keep a green top, swap the lid, see if she notices. So, just to come back on this. So that was the CCTV. We had such a good time trying to crack the case of the cctv last year but then largely like we've got a few little cases the other couple in this concerned

citizens group basically did a real deep dive into the water that is like the sewage works near our village and basically found that you know even, even within the very, very broad and relaxed parameters by which water companies are allowed to pump raw sewage into British waters under the Tory government, they found that this sewage plant near us was pumping so much more than the safe level. It's like proper investigative journalism. It's been an honour.

Do you know what I mean? It's like we publish it in the village magazine nobody cared but nobody cared or commented or was fussed but we got to the truth it's this is scooby-doo tipped into like full-blown serial type ruby wax interviews style grid scenarios you know but then the group's largely gone quiet because we haven't had too much to do. Just recently, last few weeks, a few of us got together because we basically all walk the same stretch of road on the outskirts of the village. And we are finding routinely four, five tins of gin and one can of Red Bull slash Monster Energy drink. And now the WhatsApp group has been extended. There's like six of us who are all concerned citizens.

And we are systematically working to find out who is dropping this gin. And we are at the point now, we've been, for the last two weeks, we've been gathering data. We've been walking the stretch of road and logging when we find gin cans. Over what distance? Over what? Over about, I would say, half a mile. I could do that.

Yeah, it's not, but basically- I could do that in a car. While you throw some gins. Where were you last Tuesday? Five gins, a mile one car do it but basically we're trying to figure out like we're trying to figure out a pattern of when it happens and the pattern is elusive because it seems to kind of happen at like full moon full moon only guy wants it isn't that if a guy wants to go out and get smashed in his work car and drink five tins of gin, that is right.

But it's happening like it's happening every other day. It is quite regular. It's just the time is sometimes it's the afternoon. Sometimes it's like later at night. So we're just trying to pin that down. But the next step we're trying to do is to basically get an optimum window. And then we're going to set up like a border checkpoint of, we're basically going to be in disguise on this stretch of road. I'm going to sit on the bench at the entrance to the road,

dressed up as a walker. Do you know what I mean? I'm going to be in my walking boots. I'm going to have an order. I'm going to have a walking stick thing and I'm do you know like well you're on there just dress as yourself why do you need to disguise yourself but do you know like an order and survey man this isn't famous

5 volt scooby do you know so I don't look like because when I walk around in my red hoodie and stuff like this I look like Tony Soprano no you don't do you know what I mean

like I don't fit into the countryside he has an air okay he has a yeah he has an X factor I swagger around I'm big I don't fit into the countryside. Okay. He has a, yeah, he has an X. I swagger around. I'm big.

I don't take up a small amount of space. That's the gift that God's given me. Okay. But all I'm saying is like, well, I didn't even say this. I'm not, it's not all I'm saying.

Firstly, um, you've only got one shop. So why not ask them who's buying all the gins? Well, it's, this is it. They're coming from out of town.

They're coming from a- They're coming from that 24 hour petrol station. Not that one specifically, but basically they're coming from a Lidl that is about a 20 minute drive away. So we basically think that they work there and they're coming home and through our village, which is the first quiet stretch of road off a busy air road, they're dumping their car, they're emptying the car. Oh, I see. Of what they drank last night. So we basically be trying to work it out.

And on the road, I nearly got hit by a car this afternoon because we found the cans on the left-hand side of the road. And I was like, where are they coming from? Whoever is throwing these cans, we were trying to work it out with our positioning on the road. Do you know?

Like I was like pretending I was in the passenger, in the driver's side. Wait, wait, wait. Were you in a car? No. I was doing what you trained to do at university, which was mime. And I was like sat holding a steering wheel and we got the tin cans that we found and I threw them from the middle of the road where the driver would be and I could easily put them on the other side of the road

so that means that we think he's going from one direction to the other you know not the other way round it's like the end of JFK isn't it yeah it's like the silver bullet this is ridiculous it is ridiculous but we were having so we are... I want you to catch him. Yeah. Assuming it's a man. What's the deal? Well, it's probably, hopefully it's the passenger. No, no, no, no, no.

This is not, there's no passenger. The mind of a litterer to me, it's like trying to map a psycho. Do you know what I mean? It's like trying to map a serial killer. I cannot understand who would litter. I can't get my head around it but what i believe about littering is it is a solitary endeavor no no no no no yeah yeah yeah yeah if we were together tunnel and you just threw a packet of bags somewhere on the floor we'd be having words about it because you know it's shameful.

We wouldn't be friends if one of us was doing that. People who litter have friends who litter as well. Who are these people? They are... Litterbugs. Litterbugs. I'm a little bit concerned about your character work, though, being the man on the bench.

I think you're going to overplay it. I do think you're also blinded by anger and you're not looking at it analytically you're refusing to take on all possibilities you've immediately assumed it's a bad person i'm gonna go out on a limb and say this now nobody who's ever won the nobel peace prize has ever littered good people don't litter no i think they have they have. I tell you what, listeners, if you are a good person and you have littered, please drop us an email at christopheratalovelytime.co.uk and all I've got is a group of five or six

middle-aged friends who want to have a word with you to try and profile your psychology so that we can better catch our local litter bug. I think that you're one step away from installing your own video cameras and now the circle is complete. Yeah, you've got to do it. It's cheap. We've talked about setting up a camera trap.

So you've become what you were set up originally to combat, basically. No, no, it's very different. It's not the same. You've stared for long enough into the void and the void is staring right back at you, baby. Who watches The Watchmen? The police. The police. Well, good luck getting them to return our calls.

They're pissed off with us because of the CCTV situation. So we're trying to work out parts. We're going to have a meet meetup soon and a coffee just to we've got a smoking bullet we've got a receipt that is for some gins and it's from this it's from this small town 20 minutes away so i think we need to sit and correlate our findings and come up with an action plan but my plan is to i think we need to block up this stretch of road we need not block it off but sit covertly and just up this stretch of road. Not block it off, but sit covertly. And just over this block of time, which I believe is about an hour and

a half, we take pictures of every car going in and out covertly. So that we have a list of license plates. And if we find cans within that crucial hour and a half, then it's one of those on the license plate. And we're one step closer to finding him and keying the absolute fuck out of their car. There's different takes on the group about the concept and execution of vigilantes. You've got to do a stakeout. I've got to do a stakeout. You'll take a bin bag though right have you even considered that there might be drink driving as well yeah that's the thing i'm

quite good it sounds quite a sad story well this is what i said to the guys i was like this is exciting but if we're totally honest we uh it might what we're gonna find at the end of this trail is just a bit of a sad alcoholic because somewhat about like the four gins and it's always coupled with one energy drink that to me is like a medicinal consumption of these toxins well it feels like it's a going to work thing four gins and then something to get him going again what we think is they might be drinking them on the way home and emptying them out in the morning so i don't think they're like getting up i've just sent you in the chat, this is a picture of the level that we're data mining

that we're currently doing. Oh my God, Chris. Just for the listeners, we are charting. I haven't seen a chart like that since, what, GCSE? GCSE, yeah. We are charting an optimum window

of when we are most likely to find. When you say we, do you mean you? Well, I've not done the graph. And to be honest with you, I can't quite follow it. It's showing a time of the week and a time of the day. Thing is, we're all obsessed with it. So we're all patrolling this road more and more, which is narrowing the window between when the cans are dropped

and when we're finding them, you know? Between 12 and 5 a.m.? 8.30 p.m. tonight, when we're finding them, you know? Two and between 12 and 5am. 8.30pm tonight, when we're recording this podcast, it was reported that the road is clear. So check in tomorrow. We'll know that it happens early morning on the way to work. So would you colour that segment in now? Just leave it blank. I don't know. I'm not in charge of the graph. I don't understand the graph. I'm there. I'm there. Do you know russell crowe in la confidential ready to snap the back of the chair and beat someone to death with it yeah i don't know you're

like that guy memento actually yeah yeah absolutely just a clue how to use this yeah this information but he's just like i think the vibe of memento is he's just having too much of a good time into so he just don't want to stop the fun. Yeah, I get it. We have not got long left to record. Do you want to do your little play? It's not a little play. Is this what I'm not allowed to read? Okay.

So just to sort of finish this session, I think I mentioned this in passing briefly, but since I moved to the middle of nowhere and I've been quite light on the social engagement front, I've decided to turn that downtime into a productive side hustle by becoming the creator of a, I'm going to call it what is a universe of young adult high fantasy. Why can't I just be for adults, man? Because I want to sell it. Do you know, man? Because I want to sell it.

Do you know what I mean? I want to get it made by BBC studios. So, so basically I'm writing an adventure book, a high fantasy adventure book. I've just seen the fucking title. And I would just like to close out this episode of the podcast by reading an extract from this novel.

You two, like, I've been listening to David Tennant narrate audiobooks and he leaves nothing on. That guy, have you ever known him half-assed or anything? Do you know what I mean? He leaves nothing on the table. So to give it a bit of audio quality, I've got a bit of sound design going on. I've got, I have, I have. I've got the sound effects already. You have to put them in if I send them to you. That's not the same as sound design.

I'm not even going to do that. I'm going to send them to James. He's going to put them in post. I'm just going to react to them as if. You ain't got the time, Chris, for this. Come on. Basically, I've got a couple of roles that you can help me with to help bring the piece to life.

So, listeners, it is with great pleasure that I now will read for you an extract from my upcoming young adult novella, The Tavern of the Deviants. Well, it says The Tavern of Deviants there. Right. Do you want to do that again then? No, I was just changing. Is it The Deviants? The Tavern of the Deviants.

I think that just sounds a bit better. The Tavern of Deviants. You've made a mistake in your title already. Go on then, The Tavern of the Deviants. I think that just sounds a bit better. The Tavern of Deviants. You've made a mistake in your title already. Go on then, The Tavern of the Deviants. Charles Bukowski didn't get this

when he wrote about goblins and stuff. No, get rid of that because that's a plot reveal. We don't want that. Goblins? Don't talk about goblins. James, take all the

goblin stuff out. That's a secret. He's not going to. He's not going to do it. No, I'm not going to. Get on with your story. Do your story about goblins. This is going out info. Unredact secret. He's not gonna. He's not gonna do it. No, I'm not going to. Get on with your story. Do your story about goblins. This is going out in full. Unredacted.

This is like how they get Liz Truss by using her own words against her. Okay, this is the Tavern of Deviants. You said of the. You said he wanted to call it of the Deviants. Fucking hell. Let me tell the story. Deviant Tavern.

A lone spaddock stares at two rutting bod codes, barely illuminated by the day's dying light. Their unholy triptych is interrupted by a cloaked figure moving silently to human ears. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Through the boggy undergrowth towards a growing sound of merriment, arguments, and general sort of pissed up shenanigans. Four, the wizard's sleeve is a tavern with an unsavory.

Oh, fuck. The wizard's sleeve is a tavern with an unsavory reputation. Located out past Shipbrook on the lawless outskirts of a collapsed manorial authority. A sign reads no brigands, no magics, but they spell it

with a G and a I and a K and an S. Dogs welcome. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, we haven't frozen.

Yeah, just in awe. Didn't know whether to jump in because you, I mean, what's a sparrow? What's a budcode? Budcode?

Budcode, yeah. It's like a sort of big toad. It's like, this is high fantasy. Do you know what I mean? These's a sparrow? What's a budcode? Budcode? Budcode, yeah. It's like a sort of big toad. It's like, this is high fantasy. Do you know what I mean? These are asparagus, like, bird with her little rat's tail. Do you know what I mean? It's like, this is all...

And the triptych is three paintings, isn't it? Oh, I don't know. I'm just basically painting a scene using... Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got my little calendar. It says a word a day. Do you know what I mean? All right, no, it's good. It's good. Okay. Okay, yeah. Before, yeah. I've got my little calendar. It says a word a day. Do you know what I mean? All right, no, it's good.

It's good. Okay. Okay, yeah. Before entering the tavern, the cloaked figure does a last-minute equipment check. Enchanted dagger of Dra'un. A pouch of gilt cranes. That's money, is it?

I thought it was meant to be curtains. Four AA batteries and a Zoom H1N mobile recorder. Oh, he's one of us. He's one of us. And he thinks to himself, I'm ready as I'll ever be. And he opens the door. Oh, listen to that music. What's the sound effect?

I'm not going to do the sound effect because I'm going to send you the sound effect. You don't need to. What's SFX Menstrual Guild Kevin MacLeod? It's a royalty-free medieval job. I think we got the sound effect of the door opening there as well. The mysterious figure enters the wizard's sleeve and he's greeted by an overwhelming rush of candlelight,

noise, and the putrid stench of human vomit. Before he can acclimatise, he's accosted by an immeasurable eyes a bit too big tavern owner. Right, that's me, is it? Yeah, I've highlighted your bits in yellow. Okay. What can I get you, stranger?

We've got ales, pies, and if you buy a packet of scratchings, you'll help me reveal a picture of a topless elf with cracking knockers. Just one note on that. That first line, what does it say? What can I get you, stranger? No, no, no, no, no that it doesn't that first line what does it say what can i get you stranger no no no no it doesn't say that does it what can i get you stranger ye what can i get you yeah you said you you said you you're a joke what can i get you i did not say yeah what can i get

you stranger yeah there you go getting into character okay yeah the mysterious stranger says nothing and points to the guest aisle. Punk IPA, rock on. Not much of a talker, aye? My name's Inward Nobsey. The thing is, I cannot be asked to write a story every now and then just to make a fool out of you. It's not...

Please, don't break the world. This is all I've got. Please stay in the world. All right, not much of a talker, aye? My name's Inward Nobson, and I'm good at running a pub, but bad at social media. And I'd like to say sorry to the co-owner of my tavern, who I know does a lot of work to keep the marketing momentum going.

Before the tavern owner can get out his long overdue apology, they're interrupted by a pissed up giant. I'm a giant. That's why my voice sounds like this. And I demand to be served before this halfling aberration. You don't need to do a separate, a different voice. Like I wrote it for you, for your normal voice. Okay, I'm a giant.

That's why my voice sounds like this. And I demand to be served before this halfling aberration. Who's this Mance Silvani? Don't do that. You're ruining the fucking bit. That's me. Oh, sorry. Listen, this is what the entire fucking piece is about. It's introducing this

character of a serialized adventure. Do you know what I mean? Hold thy thick oxen tongue for I am Mylvary, exiled goblin prince and fledgling podcaster. Faching! Sword unsheathed. And if you don't stop fucking

around, I'll roll up your big knackers off with my trusty blade of pure canonite. I've just read James's next line. Come on then, James. I'm ready to go. Forgive me, Prince,

for I was born wrong with fat for brains and a stubby little todger. Can I say sorry again, please? Sorry. sorry i'm so shit at social media and if my patrons doth find me worth they could leave me a five-star review on apple podcasts to be continued i mean i deserve that but i don't think james you don't know what's been happening in the side chat i'm gonna get this i've actually deleted instagram off my phone chris you'll be happy to know i'm not happy to know because i sent you a reel this morning and you didn't accept it and that was rural concerns thanks for listening it really does mean the world if you'd like to support us further you can either whang us a five-star review on apple

podcasts or head over to patreon.com forward slash rural concerns hey yo thanks for listening man rural concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for Lovely Time Productions. Our music is by Sam O'Leary and our artwork, that's by Poppy Hillstead. Peace. Lovely. Yeah, very cool I'll cut your

fucking head off do you know what I mean that was the 80s I understand I understand that yeah we got a milkman we got a milk

I get milk oh she fucking do