Rural Concerns - Leek Club Special!

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

Sunil and James are shocked to learn that Chris has actually submitted his leeks for appraisal by an independent adjudicator. They listen with a mix of jealousy and awe as Chris tells a tale triumph against adversity for the ages. It’s basically a Hollywood film where a working class outsider is the hero. Did Chris’ vibe-based, pee-soaked strategy work?! We’re performing a Rural Concerns live show in Manchester (UK) on 22nd November 2025! It’s going to be a heady mix of slander, skits and choice-based adventure gaming! Grab your tickets here.  Do you have a Rural Concern of your own? Email the lads and we’ll discuss it on an upcoming podcast! Fire what’s inside your head to [e-mail]! Also, please let us know if you’d be interested in growing award-placing leeks where you live. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello and welcome to this very special edition of rural concerns. My name is Chris Cantrell and 12 months ago after drinking five pints of midweek Guinness in my village pub in rural Cumbria. I agreed to take part in a competitive league growing challenge. What started out as a pissed up attempt to generate regular content for a chat-based countryside affairs podcast quickly turned into an epic battle between an honest working class man and mother nature. Having no experience of agriculture

and refusing to do a single bit of research quickly established me as a maverick in the field. A bit like Happy Gilmore, but with leaks. I was beset on all sides by jealous friends and a wife that refused to let me piss in our garden during daylight hours. Can I overcome adversity to succeed and finally be accepted by the primitive rural savages of my community? My name is Senil Patel and a couple of months ago

I also thought I'd have a crack at growing leaks because I was jealous of Chris and thought I could show him up by throwing loads of money at the problem, as is my way as a London fanny. My name is producer James And I've also been very negative throughout But that's because when my mum was pregnant with me She was surprised by a window cleaner

Which has given me a lifelong suspicion Of self-employed working class men Gentlemen, it's time for a great reckoning This is the Royal Concerns Leak Club Special 2025 Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. Oh, that was leak-tastic. Say that again?

You're shrinking there, aren't you? Because as you get... Only in height. Yeah, as you get older. Hey. Right. Are we recording? Yes.

What's wrong with you, son, now? There is the city bit. A very... I went to Shrewsbury and back. We tried to get a Pizza Express before the train from Shrewsbury. The man in the Pizza Express in Shrewsbury, the guy making the pizzas could not be bothered.

Pizziola. Couldn't be bothered. There was only one couple in the restaurant, and we were like, can you make us a pizza in time to get our train at this time? And he was like, yeah, yeah, probably. Like a 15 pound gamble, isn't it? It's more. It's an 18 pound gamble.

And then the woman at the count is very kind. She was like, yeah, that should be no problem. He'll make it in 10 minutes, no problem. Took our payment and everything. It's a pizza. It's a pizza. Yeah, yeah. So I stood there and I was watching him.

Obviously, it's an open kitchen. That's a mistake if you're going to be lazy. And basically, it took him, I think, 10 minutes to get the dough out from downstairs that he'd packed away because he thought he could go home early. We had like three minutes left before we had to run to get the train and he was just rolling it out and putting the sauce on and I was like, this isn't going to happen.

So we had to walk away from 40 quids worth of pizza to get our last train. Did you demand a refund? She said, go, I'll sort the refund out. I'll be with you in three days. We just didn't even have time to get it done. I have three or four cans of madri as well and I feel sick. Landry.

Sounds like most of the problems with your experiences like would have, you're, they are bad service issues, but your anxiety would have been a lot less. Had I had time to? Had they had a wall up so you couldn't see what they were doing. Too much, too much knowledge is a curt, like it sent your brain wrong. But then I might have been tempted to wait a few seconds longer if I thought it was nearly there, you know? But when I saw the man had barely got the toppings on my pizza in about 15 minutes, though, I was like, this is done.

Anyway, Pizza Express Shrewsbury, great service from the waitress, terrible service, of house. I think he wanted to go home at 8.30 for some reason. Well, now he's gone home at 835 with two pizzas. And he's gone home at 9 with two hot pizzas for himself. Anyway, so Shrewsbury. Hard to get to and from on train from London in one night. Yep. Sounds like you've been through the mill.

I've been through the bloody mill lads. Was that the city bit? Where is Shrewsbury a city? Give me a sec. Birmingham definitely is, right? Oh, is it a bloody idiot town. Shrewsbury Town Football Club. Shrewsbury Town.

I knew that because my friend Dan's from Shrewsby, and we went when we were students and we were drinking in a pub and it was the day Shrewsbury Town came in and a load of pissed Shrewsbury Town fans came in and one of the lads who was a Shrewsby Town fan who was wankered I was eating sausage and mashed and just took a sausage off my plate

and that's it. Whoa. And I was just like, sat there, you know. Well, that's, that affects a man's mental health. And that man, there's no reason why we can't piece together. We can't extrapolate and, think maybe the sort of person who does that ends up working in a pizza express 20 years later. Yes, in a way, he took your 40 quits worth of pizzas.

It's a more elaborate scam than he did with Chris. Oh, is it the mentality of the people of Shrewsbury? Wow. Hold on. We might be sponsored by Big Shrewsbury. No, I... Shrewsbury, Darlington, the Royal Cushands shit list of places. No, I think the people in the theatre were lovely, but I think all the nice people were at the theatre.

Yeah, and they're like crowded in there like Noah's Ark, waiting for the, waiting for the tide to come and wash the rest away, safe with the cultural rewards, you know. All right, dog shit town, lovely theatre. Guys, I've got a special bit of sort of, this is a special edition of the... Yeah, this is it. This is the big one.

This is a big one. The Leak Club came out of nowhere, the finale. We couldn't have known. It didn't, did it? It didn't. We had no idea if it was happening, but it was happening. it's happened this weekend just gone, zero notice, just like this is happening this weekend. This is, suddenly, we've gone from me staring at these leaks, pissing on these leaks,

to you need to pull these wet leaks out of the ground and present them at the local pub. It's not that surprising though, is it? Because it's not like an asteroid strike or a solar flare. It's in the calendar. It wasn't in the calendar. I didn't put it in it. James, come on, back me up on this. You know we've been telling him about this.

for a year. Well, to be honest, we've been asking him when it is for about six months. Chris, did your wife know before you? I don't think it's in his calendar. Yes, Nicola came home and she was like, did you know it's this weekend? This was the last time we recorded, and then I emailed the guy. Yeah, you went in to the pub saying, is it this weekend? Or you texted your mate?

And he was like, oh, he's the King of the League Club, Martin King of Elite Club. And he was like, I hope not. I'm in Crete. And it was the week after. So it's been, should I sort of set the scene? Is that how your wife gets you ready for things? She tells you there a week earlier than they are so that you're ready in time.

We've just had a big to-do this morning just because I'm like, because we're booking in this record and she's like, I'm out. You know, tonight we start meeting up again. So she's like, I'm going to be, she's having a nails done and she's just been in the calendar for whole ages.

And I was like, I am self-diagnosed. No, no, not even worse than that. I'm diagnosed by an army of people that listen to this podcast with ADHD. I do not have your calendar visible in my calendar and I don't know how. So I made her apologise to me for basically attacking a man who's got a brain disorder, you know. So, league club. There is a, there is the countryside bait.

The local pub that sits just over the county line. Technically, it's in Cumbria. So you're smuggling leaks? I'm smuggling leaks across county lines of a county lines league smuggler. the local pub which is which I've said before there's like two pubs in my village one of them's more I would say is the one where we send the walkers when they come because it serves food this one you'll tend to see the local people in there you know when you go in it's like like there's like there's like the guys who you know like working the local businesses and stuff like that

it's a nice atmosphere we like it down there we go in we tend to go in for the pub club once a week But for this day, half the room is full with trestle tables that are full with leaks. Are they heaving with leaks? Are they bending bode? There are 23 pairs of leaks on these tables that have been arranged. This was, it happened over two days. So on Saturday morning before 11 o'clock, I had to. to submit my two leaks,

which meant that I pulled them out on the ground on Friday night. I pulled them out, took them around Dave and Orla's house, our friend Claire, who's also in the Leak Club, came, and we presented our leaks. Spruced them up. We washed them,

basically, I washed the dirt off them, peeled back the layers, you know, to like get it as clean as possible. I painted the white bits with milk. I'd read about that. Really?

Yeah, I don't know what that. And it didn't fit. And also, Dave, or all they got out a little pot of olive oil. And I, I massaged. Me and Dave, basically, we did it very different ways, which I think said a lot about how we approach life. You know, Dave was quite vigorous with his oiling.

You know, he's quite rough-handed. But I was very gentle. The following morning, I wake up with, this is Leak Saturday. Saturday light hangover. We'd already, it's a day when it's like not what's going on really. Do you know what I mean? So it's like, the big deadline was getting them in for 11. As part of 11 o'clock in the morning, I hadn't made my, I hadn't paid my dues. So I needed to show up with my two leaks. I had to pick two. I took four to basically be like, which,

what do you think, which one of these should have submitted? I also had to take 60. £55 £5, cash, and a prize, like a prize. And I took an unopened bottle of Advocar. Do you know where you get a bottle off the alcohol rack? And you're slowly turning the cap of the bottle to check if it hadn't been broken. Do you know what I mean? Is this eligible for a raffle prize? And then I felt the little tauntless of it.

And I was like, yes, we can get rid of the advar car. So I submitted them then basically what was going to happen then was Apparently everyone has to leave the pub Because an independent I didn't see this adjudicator But an independent adjudicator came to the pub And basically needed like a couple of hours with the leaks That had been submitted and get this It's a pub of the family

So I think the family like the family live in the pub You know like some of them live upstairs They have to everyone has to leave the building for like two hours. So this guy can be alone with the leaks. So the leaks are submitted. The money is paid for. I'm giving away this money.

The feeling that I get when I take this money out is I might as well take it out of the cash machine and just hold it up into the air and throw it into the fucking street for all of my chances of placing in this competition out. But I've committed to it. What does placing mean, sorry? As in to be ranked, to be eligible, to be somewhere in the league competition. It wouldn't be that the guy comes around and chucks your leaks out of the wind, chucks them in the canal.

Exactly. Yeah. And you have to think that for my psychology, I've not thought I could do this. I've been besieged on all sides by people telling me, I'm, you too. People on social media, and there's a lady who lives sort of in the same area as me. that's saying like, never mind next year. Do you know what I mean? Oh, I'm getting his negativity.

My wife's being negative. You two are being negative. Sonil, you set out to grow leeks to humiliate me. No, I haven't at all. That's not. It was solidarity. All we've had, all I've had is people telling me I'm useless. So I'm like, this is a waste of time.

But because I've committed to it. It's not a Hollywood film. It's not like, because I know for a fact there's no happy ending. Because I've committed to doing it in a public forum. him, I was like, I have to go through with it. And I would do anyway, because that's a sort of guy I am, do you know what I mean? I'm someone in this day and age, not my YouTube person, it's no offence, but when my word means, my word is my bond.

I don't just change my mind all the time. Are you reading from a script? Are you reading from a script? No, I don't physically turn a bit. This is not, I'm not turning this into a book, but if anyone wants to contact us at Christopher, at a lovely time. com. Okay, we can discuss about the rights to this story.

So Saturday, that happens, submit it. I'm then going to, I was like, Nicola had theatre tickets. Okay, I'll see it later. But it turns out she actually bought three. She thought she had two. So I went, I spent Saturday afternoon going to see Warhorse. We'll talk about that another time. We'll talk about that on a Patreon spin-off when we talk about theatre.

So I come back, there's no big announcement. Once the adjudicator has left, the leaks have been on. organized on the table in order. Do you know what I mean? So basically, by looking at the table, it's revealed who has won. The big night for the league club is the following night on the Sunday when it's basically the village come down and it's sort of the pictures are taken and the raffles done. Everyone's leak crazy. Well, basically, I come back and it's been decided. So really, I think we're building up to the results. You said there was 23.

In total. And your script has come to a natural pause there. It's not a script. Should we put an ad break in there? Ad break there. And if at this point we could run under like a sort of, I think like a classical music that builds to a crescendo. I think we should have a flashback episode where we sort of just go back to you.

We'll just play like a montage of you saying, you pissed on leaks and you don't know when the event is and getting angry at Sunil. I'll put that in. Maybe if someone, if you could just say now, like we'll sort of relive the past, I'll say I'm a working class lad

and I've just got a dream that I want to grow leaks. And if you could say, if you two could both say variations, I don't think you could do it because working class people can't succeed. Yeah. I don't think you can do it because working class people are fucking thick as pig shit.

And there's no chance they can grow vegetables in soil. Have you looked up on the internet how to grow leeks, Chris? That would be a great idea. That is the last 12 months of my life. When is the Leak Club event? Yeah, that was a good six months' worth of episodes that one. Who came first? Did I come first?

No, I did not. Who came first? Farmer, Hannah. Farmer. Well, I mean, it sounds like they've got... Exactly. So if they're, like, this is, they've, Farmer Hannah has never entered before.

So she's come in out of nowhere, ripped to the top of the table. That's the real story. That's the hero we need. Not you. Yeah. What does Hannah, farmer Hannah farm normally?

She's not a, she doesn't, she's not a produce grower. But I always think, even if you're not a produce grower, if you're a farmer, you are aware of the land and you also have access to space.

You're the character in the film that's like the naysayer now in her hero's journey. That's what you're saying. You'll be like shouting, you have access to space. No, but I asked her how many leagues she grew. She grew 12. And you're like, you know what? That's what I grew about. So it's like there's no, it's not like she's planted a field of 20, 25 or someone.

She's done the same amount that I've got. And they were, they were magnificent. I don't know if I sent you a picture of them. I've got it on a little video. absolutely phenomenal. Does she give her tips? Do we know how she did it? I've given some tips.

I'll come back to the tips as we start to think, but I did have a chat with her over this piss weekend. And there's a picture of me. She's got this trophy and it's full of that paying a collard of a summer. So we're just drinking. She's like, have a bang on back. Do you know what I mean? It's like, this is Sunday night.

It's getting quite sloppy. I've not had as much of a fun night as that as a good while. But do you want to know where I placed? And would you guess, would you guess where I placed out of 23? I don't think you were last. No, did Dave enter? I made him. Dave tried to get out of it.

Do you know what I mean? Dave's like we, not, he's like weaseling his way out. But then I'm like, Dave, we've got to do it. We said we'd do it. So he's like, he's too, he's a man of his word is his bond. He's going to do it, you know? So we put them in. Also, key players in this, so Farmer Hannah is a new, I think I might have mentioned her before, but she's like a new player.

But the key players we've been talking about since we started is Dave over the road. Claire, opposite my house, also owns the B&B, who lives down the end of the road. Richard, who brought us in as Patsy's. Richard's always been near the bottom. I think he was last last year. He brought us in to get his act together. to use us as a fall guy. You know what I mean?

So he could jump up the table. So Richard also gave me a bag full of PC games, but I think his motives are sinister, yeah? He gave me a book about leaks. Yeah, okay, yeah. A lot of these things, when I'm saying him out loud, sound like incredibly nice and helpful. But Richard is a villain,

a villainous character who's tricked us to try and make a fool of me on a podcast. Yeah, yeah. I think in the film version of this, he needs to have an eye patch or something. something like that. A claw hand. I can reveal

officially on this podcast in year 2025 in the league club competition that I placed 15th out of 23. Wow. Right in the middle. That's all right. It's not bad. Shall I tell you as well what's going on? So basically I've got. I'm the last, past me, number 16 to 23.

There's something fundamentally wrong with them that makes them kind of ineligible. You know what I mean? Everyone past us, past me, has a little label on it that says like seeded, which is when it goes to seed and becomes not eligible. So like the little, remember the days we used to get your photos back? Oh, we got a sticker on them saying this one's bad.

Exactly like that. seeded, too long split when the V at the side is split. The too long is the white section. The white section needs to be six centimetres. If it's longer than that, it's kind of ineligible. Mine has measurements on it. So you're the bottom of the eligible ones. Bottom of the truly ones that are being considered for the,

which is still. Yeah. But why are people entering ones that are, Ineligible? Is it because they got nothing else? But then it's like, so I'm so chuffed with that to say that I've not looked at one thing at all. Also, do you want to know where everyone else placed? I wouldn't know where Dave placed.

17th. Oh. Ineligible, though. What was wrong with his? Honestly, they were just shit. Too shitty. Too coveted, too smelly of shit. He bought him out, thing he's in the week.

He'd been saying. he put the shits up me because he was like, yeah, no, I had a look, I haven't looked at me in ages. He said, they're coming out all right. And he says, they were probably about that thick. And he held his hand out the thickness of a pint glass. Anyway, Friday night, he presented these weak little things. And his wife, all the other was like, oh, David, what happened to these big leaks?

She'd been talking about all week. And then we were laughing at him and, like, go, what a gun. Did he eat him by accident? or something. He just, but instantly Dave's like giving me a load

and he's sort of he's explaining why he hadn't tried you know what I mean to be like well I didn't even try and you're like all right mate

take it on the chin I didn't what about that bathtub full of shit he washed all this shit and you're like you have to just take it on the chin

and you have to want you have to give a shit Dave you have so now he's like yeah I'm not sure so Dave 17th

Claire 16th so together However, we are 15th, 16th, 17th. Oh, me and Claire are using the same leaks. This is, what's as interesting to me? Because I thought, have we all grown, is nature a huge part of it? Are the same leak type?

Are we all using the same leaks? But Dave's leaks are from a different, he had a couple of different batches on the go and his are from that. So it's not like just we've used this breed of leak. Richard, Richard, the villainous Richard, the very generous, very kind, lovely Richard, Evil Rich. Evil Rich.

20. What was wrong with his split? Because of his hook hand, did he split him by accident when he was digging him up? Yeah, too much evil in him. So they've, so there's that, bottom of the pile is, the thing about Andy is, I think he used to live, I might be pulling this out of thin air, but I think he used to live in London

and they've like come up here to live. They bought a farm, him and his wife, and they live on the farm. So they're not trade-bake-handed. They're like city. No, no, different. They're like city people like me.

Do you know what I mean? And he's in there doing the thing that you do when you last, you know, when you like making a show of being happy to be on the table type thing and being part of the community thing. And I was like, I would be doing that exact same performative act if I was at the bottom.

but I'm not, I'm 15th, I'm legitimate. You know what I mean? Cursed man, marked man. So, so that was the prize. But when they were reviewed, I've got a big twist for you. Oh. I basically, the week earlier, John, who runs the pub and Farmer Neil, who was last year's second.

Oh, no. Who was basically going countywide, but he got to. affected by the bright, and Farmer Neal placed 14. Just won ahead of me. Last year's champion. Oh, they were my previous champion. The twist was they were like... That time Leeds got relegated.

Yeah. John and Farmer Neal were like going, all these are eating leaks. And I said, yeah, and they do look lovely, don't they? And they're like, no, no, no. Like, I've used the wrong leaks. there's a distinction I didn't know this

there's a distinction between eating leaks which are like the ones you would get in your supermarkets and pot leaks which the winners are pot leaks which are

I didn't know this either what did you were supposed to do the research I was feeling it out I think we knew he wasn't going to wait a minute I don't understand what happened

so Farmer Neil used grew the wrong leaks or he entered the wrong set of leaks. I've used the wrong leaks. Farmer Niels are setting my leaks. You and Andy and Richard used the wrong leaks. I don't know about the other ones. They might have used them, but they're just shite. Claire, no. Well, Claire, yeah, used your leaks. You both got the same leaks, you and Claire. But I think we've used the wrong

leaks. We've used the wrong breeder leaks. Why? In, like, an ineligible leaks or just like they're never going to get pint glass. Oh, Pot leaks for exhibition, it says here. Oh, you fucking idiot. Pot leak varieties such as the mammoth pot. We should know from the name. They're supposed to be grown in pot. Yeah, pots.

Yeah, because of their short and stout and excellent for display. Oh, right. Which explains the length, a lot of them ineligible. What an absolute waste of time. It's not a waste of time. I'll tell you what it is. If I, I've been doing this,

based with not looking anything up just feeling it just touching the soil and feeling what I should do I've done that I've done that with one arm tied behind my back can you imagine he's pissed on leaks with one arm tied behind his back that's difficult oh my god look at the state of these pot leaks so was that what farmer Hannah was using yeah farmahanna's whoof heft girth all about girth farmer Hannah got brilliant like like girth that had blow your mind Yeah, because I'm looking at them now. They look like, like, thick old, what do you call those big trees with the bottom bits big?

Like a bulbous sort of like, like a bulb growing out of the... Avocado tree, the ones they have in London. That sort of mad old African tree. While you are about, you London idiot. I'm going to Google it. You keep talking amongst yourself. Oldest tree in world. AI mad old African tree.

Chris, I'm going to have a Q&A section after. Like most Hollywood films, we're going to have a Q&A section. towards the end. So I'm using the wrong lakes. Do you want to hear about my Balbab? Babb Babb Babb Babbbbb, Babbbbbbbbb they call it. Africa's tree of life. B-A-O, B-A-B, it looks like one of them.

Now on to, so Sunday was the raffle, the big raffle where we submitted summit, where a lot of the prize money gets raised. And the winners get, the people in the league competition get prize, get a prize, like a physical prize and also a share of the prize money. Now, what do you think I come away with? Physical prize. Physical price to earn like a couple of quid. Your own advocate back.

What did I get? Physical prize. I got basically a power drill. But it's not like a power drill. It's like a drill that's for barbecues. I don't know how to describe it. It's a drill that's for barbecues. It's got, you add attachments to this drill like a salt grinder and a meat blower.

I don't know what it is I've reliably been informed that it's from Liddle it's like attachments that make the drill suitable for barbecue I don't know what it is could we have a clean take of that

just because I think that's quite a pivotal sentence you just said it's what it's a barbecue it's a drill for barbecues I don't know what it is but can I tell you who donated that prize it was evil

Richard. Evil Ray. Clearly had been sitting in his shed for 20 years. That was it. Prize money? Nicola went to the AGM on Monday night to pick up the prize. The prize money was distributed on Monday night.

I'd been away working, oh no, not Monday night. Tuesday night. I'd been away Monday in Manchester. So come home. And it was Nicola's birthday too. Happy birthday, my dear. So she went to the League Club,

AGM, took my prize money. Guess how much I opened up? 90 pounds. Oh, that's not bad. It's washed its own face. Big time. And you got a confusing drill out of it. And I got the mad.

Honestly, the maddest drill I've ever seen in my life out of it. I just found one. It's just a drill with a brush attached to it. Yeah, but this one is like, I'll tell you what is. It's three attachments. One's a grinder, like a salt grinder. one is a corkscrew, like a mechanical corkscrew. Third one is a meat blower, but I do need to understand what that is.

Is it a small fan? I don't know, I don't know, but you need to blow meat. Is it not for the flames to blow the flames? I don't know what it is, but it is my most prized possession. It can't be. You've got that big PC. And you've got your leaks still. That 90 quid, you should pump that straight back into the leak business.

and get some pot leaks. Well, let me tell you about, so Sunday night, this is Sunday night, it's a five-pint Sunday. I am shitted, wildly shitted. Obviously, getting to this point, Leak Club has been that thing that I signed up to do. I've spent so much of the year being like, I hate this, I don't want to do it. It's like the Olympic village. It's exactly like, we're all there, we're all drunk, but basically I'm drinking. I'm having a time of my life.

I'm having a laugh. It's really nice. Like most of the communities out, it's just a good, fun atmosphere. I've had five, crucially, I've had five pints of Guinness. And like I say,

it's been a big journey to get to this point. And I've often talked about what's next after league club, you know, is it archery, is it chess? What's my next rural endeavor?

Martin, King of the League club, he was so chuffed that people have joined. And he was like, Chris, you're going to do it again next year. and without a moment's hesitation,

I was like, you fucking better believe it, mine. Paced out on my head, signed up to Leak Club 2026. I think that's right. I think maybe I'll get into Leaks this year as well and maybe we'll make it, as long as it doesn't happen a little bit later

or when I'm interviewing Brian Blessed again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need a separate breakdown on the Blessed. Two final things with this. And then Leak Club is done for 20. 26. 2. So like I said, the AGM, where they sort of basically set up for next year and divvy out the prize money was Tuesday. I wasn't there and Nicola went. It was also Nicola's birthday. So on a Tuesday, all over the road, Claire and I did a tray bake man, had one drink in the pub just to say happy birthday. To Nicola and give her a present. They swept up by, because they've done what I did with Dave last year. They've been served the broth. The leeks, the leeks soup with white bread covered in butter. They've been given that.

Every single fucking one of them has signed up to Leak Club. Nicola is doing Leak Club with me next year. And she started sending me messages. And I was like, what are these? The message, it said, Kempack 6, Kempack 8. I said, watch this. She said, it's feed for leaks. I said, Nicola, we're not looking at anything.

You have to do it my way. And she was, her reaction was, basically, if she's doing it, we're playing to win it. And I was like, this is a different school of thought. She went, you can have your leaks, I'll have my leaks. Yeah, but is this together or against each other? I'm going to try and bring her in to my way of thinking. I'm going to get some soil in between my fingers and be like, smell that. Now, what do you think we should do?

And she's going to go a lot of chemicals and timelines. And in the middle, we'll figure it out. To be absolutely fair to Nicola, she has done, I would say, 90% of all maintenance of the leaks. The other 10% was done by my sister-in-law, Joe, who came up to plant the lakes. And I pissed on him a bit. And I've also, like, reportage, do you know what I mean?

Like when George Orwell's in Paris and he writes a book about it, that's what I've done with his leaks via this podcast. I don't know if down and out in Paris and London features many chapters which people ask in George Orwell when the down and out festival is. Fan of Hannah and again we're pissed

we're drinking, putting a collada out of a jug out of a winner's trophy you know, I said to Hannah I was like, watch your tips, watch your secrets. So basically they've had a because I said I've been pissing on them and they were like, it needs to be female wee. I said, excuse me.

It needs to be female weight. They have an accountant at the farm who's pregnant, so they've been trying to get her to piss all over their lakes. And they're also lamb farmers. So what they've used in their mulch is lamb after birth. And I said, I said, right, right. I said, listen, listen. I'm going to give you a bucket.

I want you to fill it up to top for next year. And she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like I say, a lot of alcohol will be consumed at this point. But this is, it makes you think, if I have to sum it up and do a summary of the year, it's one, it's that people are going to try and bring you down all the time. But life is so connected and piss. Like, piss is a reject of the body. After, like, like putting dead lambs in the bottom of thing.

Like, dead, death and. I don't think you know what afterbirth is, Chris. death and discharge are like what creates new life and if it's taught us that all of us equally then it's been a success

kind of but for next year I'm doing Leak Club so now we looked at a picture of your leeks they were good spring onions they were strong spring onions they were good spring onions

you came after me you came after me like that lad who came after Archduke Ferdinand. Do you know what I mean? He started World War I. He killed him and started World War I. You come after me. He didn't have a choice he had to start World War I.

He didn't have a bloody choice. He was trying to help his friend believe in himself or something. So next year. But now you know, you've had so much extra information. Leak Club, 2026. I've had an idea about Leak Club 2026. Lamb afterbirth is the extra information. I'm going to do it.

Me, Nicol are going to be. I believe by the end of 2026, fully divorced. Things are rocky anyway. You have the competitive leaks and also two very different styles of person. I think we've got recipe for full divorce, split custody lifestyle. But of the leaks. But my idea is that I need to think about is like how can we basically do a remote league club how can we we can't get them a prey like what we can't be doing is getting

leaks from like Australia over to the UK to be appraised by a man who needs to be alone with them completely on his own for two hours but can we set up some sort of rural concerns 2026 league club community board I don't know what I don't know how to it's absolutely possible we just need less stringent rules that just require a, you know, a photo or something, don't we? A photo with a measuring, with a rule next to it, I think. I say, I think it should be in, like, how much, like what proportion is it compared to the size of your head?

We'll work these rules. We will fine tune these rules. Wait a minute. That's not good for me. But, right, so if we did a live show, if we did a live show this time next year, we could Crown the winner live in a live shot and sort out some sort of amazing

one of the prizes of the league club was a telly. Do you know what I mean? Like 42 inches something like that. Was it a barbecue telly or something? You attach it to a drill. A drill. Was league club 2025. Thank you

for everybody. Thank you. If you've been online saying those look shit are you pissing on them up? you're like why you're pissing on a lot time. You people can fuck off but if you've been out there supporting me and me back

which I haven't had on my own podcast then I just want to say thank you you're a real one. Just remember Chris's leaks were the worst eligible ones. So in your face. Thank you to everyone who's also replied

to pictures of my leaks saying I didn't piss on them enough. Lovely. What a lovely wrap-up for something that's really taken up so much of our time and energy and thoughts for the last... I don't know. The interesting thing about it is it just starts again. Circle of Life.

Yeah. Well, I think I'm going to Google it. I think we should all separately do it, come up with our own theories. Do we want... Do you want another thing as well, though? Do we want another challenge? or are we just going to go leaks? I don't think archery.

It needs to be like, basically I need to separate. I can have an hobby that's my own business. It doesn't need to be, it doesn't need to be, 35 episodes of a podcast. Sunil, are you going to go with leaks as well, or do you want a different one? Oh, as in a different vegetable? Or a different project.

Different project? Well, I mean, it's got to be one that's relevant to the countryside, isn't it? Not necessarily for you, because I was thinking, learn a language over the course because you're in multicultural London you just need the new AirPods I'm happy to do leaks my current hobby is Assassin's Creed

syndicate but at the moment we're just getting different friends of ours who've played it before to come around and play it and finish it for us so we're just basically getting me and Heidi just sitting in the sort of Assassin's Creed Cup chair while everyone else is doing it for us I think do you put a hood on while you're in it

That's like a, you're both in your 40s, that's like a teenager's life to me. Yeah, well, it's just something to, you know, when friends come around, they can play Assassin's Creed while we get on with our day. Well, that's in the name, Matt. Right, okay. Right. Okay, so leaks it is, leaks it is for everyone. I've got to plant a pot that, that's back crying out for some piss.

And we do it, however we want to do it. And we see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're competing. if it is this weekend we could if you can find out when it is because I imagine that someone knows when it is in advance

we could book it out and we could actually come up we could actually come up and actually enter because you don't need to as far as I know the assessment happens in the pub so we just need to be there they come and see how you grow it before don't they yeah this is what I said

Farmanil and John stamp them they mark them with a but maybe on a special occasion and maybe rural concerns a podcast donates, maybe we, like, you know, like, donate a prize. It's just a typo, isn't it, actually, that barbecue drill? Well, Google doesn't know what you're on about. Does it say, did you mean barbecue grill?

Yeah, it's a typo. You've been gifted a typo. But maybe we can give some rural concerns merchandise or something like that, do you know, a vinyl sticker? And maybe they will appraise yours. Maybe you're not eligible, but they will appraise them as if... I don't want to be in the shit list with a sticker on them. We can do something that means that they'll know.

Like they could send us something down, and on a Zoom video, we can attach it so that they know. It's legit. I'm not watching Zoom videos of people's leagues. Come on, we don't need to do that. Oh, it's hard enough for getting him to do a fucking video that says the podcast is out of Tuesday. We're not fucking getting him to brag.

A load of leaks. Yeah, let's leave that. That was real concerns, everybody. Thank you for listening and your support. And just as a reminder, you can still get tickets to our last live show of the year. It's on the 22nd of November, at Fairfield Social Club in Manchester and tickets for that show are in the notes.

I'm working on a documentary for us to show about the League Cup, you know, so bringing it to life in a way, in a four-dimensional way. Like, I'm very excited. I think it's going to basically be, you know, like, lots had a good documentary, jinks or something like that, you know. It's going to be like that, but about leaks. The best way to support us, though, is by becoming a rural concerns patron. For a small donation, you'll not only be supporting an independent,

podcast, which means we have the power to literally do a full episode talking about someone who grew some leaks one time. To a champion, to an award placing level, actually. Well, it's top quality content. And if you want more of that, you can get weekly bonus episodes where we talk about other stuff and stick around for a sneaky little listen after the credits. Our artwork for the series is by Poppy Hulsted, if she grows leaks. She hasn't told me about it.

Music Samuel Hewry, legal due diligence, Calderick entertainment lawyer, lives in Michigan, United States. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph. Does Star Jew Valley Have Leaks, Burrows? And it's produced by Egg Mountain for a lovely time productions. Fantastic. Shout to Dave. Was this around the time?

Because you did send us a couple of pictures. There was a sort of an impromptu photo shoot at this point. Yeah. Also, I can say it. Do you want to tell us anything about? I think I can't remember what I said because I can. This weekend has been one of the boozyest on record.

I've been lightly shitted from Friday through to Sunday. Orca's elite club. Too giddy. I'm too giddy. I'm too giddy. I'm like I'm getting my son to film me taking the leaks out because Nicola's away at work. But he's not being a good cameraman.

A lot of that is because he's a young child. But I'm like, this is, do you know what I mean? I'm being too annoyed of Tim Schult. This is a combination of a year's worth of hard work. You're a week away from getting into film you doing TikTok dancers, aren't you? I've got that video here, Chris. And an hour and a half later you sent this message,

which I think is a testament to how lightly toasted you were. We can cut this out if you want. Not meaning to be crude, but these leaks are exactly the same thickness as my little man. Bong.