Rural Concerns - Misery metal, golf & Dirty Bertie

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

Sunil drives a hard bargain, Chris fondly remembers the blandest of foods and James runs a website for nocturnal thrillseekers. One of the team also crosses a serious red line.  Chris is doing the last ever performance of his Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated show at The Stand in Newcastle this Saturday 14th June. Grab your tickets now!  You can also watch Rural Concerns Live at Fairfield Social Club on 22nd November. Tickets are selling fast! Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello, you're listening to Rural Concerns. This is the podcast that appears in your life when you least expect it, clears away the mental debris of everyday life and leaves you dreaming of having a little shandy and a ciggy on the patio in silence. I am Chris Cantrell and I live in the countryside amongst the country folk who smile to my face and call me a pedo behind my back. Hello, I'm Sunil Patel. i live in the city of london where i prance about like a pampered oaf groomed perfumed and pissed i would report on the latest trends in art wine and theater but actually i just like watching john wick and vaping loads i'm producer james and i live in the suburbs

of an unnamed nondescript town in england i own a pizza oven a power washer and a bmw but nothing makes me happier than wearing an england football shirt with nothing on below the waist. Let's start the podcast. I've started recording as Chris has walked over with a second pop shield. Okay, I'm in pursuit of perfection. He's in pursuit of perfection re-pop shields. We'll chat the lifespan of pop shields when you get on mic or on headphones are you wearing a shirt is he wearing a shirt he's wearing a shirt you're

wearing a shirt you're wearing a golf shirt correct which looks like you've got if you don't mind me saying it looks like it looks like a camouflage but like vegas camouflage so you just blend into Vegas. Correct. Is that what it's called? Vegas camouflage. Just to blend into the fruities so no one sees me. Yeah, that's great.

You're in a shirt, Chris. I was just saying. I'm in a shirt. I'm trying to get my life back on track. Where's it gone? What have you done? What happened? I'll tell you exactly what's happened.

Do you know we had this, like last week is this epic week. Last week is, it started, it's only one week ago that we were in London. Yeah. That's mad. Two weeks ago. Yeah.

It was only three weeks ago. Is it two weeks ago? It was two weeks ago. We did the, yeah. Yeah. Well, there's what's happened. So I've done that. Been away.

You went to Wells, didn't you? When we talked about it. We all spoke last Monday. About the week that had just gone. Okay, so this is making more sense. But since then, I've like, I've been to Pocklington. Do you know? Have you? What's a Pocklington?

You did a video about it, didn't you? Yeah, because the venue were like, it needs to sell more tickets. I'm like, if the people of Pocklington aren't going to come out for this, then I don't want them there. Do you know what I mean? That's my... Was that the video? Yeah, it was quite aggressive. Well, so they have that, have there. Like, it might be one of those places where there's lots of, like, interesting

shows going on. I messed up, but, well, I didn't mess up. I had a long stop to get to the end of the story. I had a lovely time in Pocklington. I just want to put that in there in case anyone's blood is boiling thinking that I'm going after the good people of Pocklington. But basically I did a day where, and this is my fault, but I assumed that Pocklington, I don't know, I wasn't familiar with it on any level. And I assumed that Pocklington was close to where I live.

So I agreed to do a work in progress, like a trying it out show at 1.30 in the afternoon and a showcase comedy, you know, like a set on a show, a mixed bill thing. And that where it's me and several other comedians doing like sort of 15, 20 minute sets. And that was at eight o'clock at night.

Anyway, it turns out that Pocklington is just outside York, which is a three hour drive away from my house. Let's not dox yourself. I was just in Pocklington all day. What's that like? What'd you do there? What's the sights? No, I had, I had my friend Lee Kyle,

a comedian from Newcastle in the car with me, and he sort of kept me alert and awake and having a laugh, you know, because there was definitely on the, and as well, I'm ill. I was just getting, do you know like after the last fortnight without just like travelling around doing stuff, I think my body was like, I've had enough of this.

It's weird that, because travelling is like, it is just sitting. Different airs probably affect you, don't they? I find it very challenging because it's not like, what you don't get is clean, like clear mental time to sit down, open your laptop and do stuff that needs doing. You always like sort of have to, you have to figure out where to park. You have to figure out where to be. You end up up knocking around.

Do you know what I mean? And you've got the knocking around takes us tall, doesn't it? How much money do you spend just sitting around in cafes? You must do so much knocking around. I think on those days as well, you could try and run these trips for pure profit. Do you know what I mean? Homemade sandwiches on the way down avoid the

services you know stuff like this but on this day i was just like it's been a really full-on couple of weeks i'm spending some money on some on a nice meal yeah do you know i deserve to be happy yeah to be happy and i'm i feel like an overworked field dog yeah what did you treat yourself to your overworked field dog you some sriracha fries and some chicken strips that were in it like a plum sauce it was like a asian fusion type pub it it was a pub chicken chicken strips with plum sauce it was like maybe it wasn't exactly plum sauce yeah it sounds like it's over what is, like a hoisin or something, is it? Or a sweet and sour.

That does sound nice though. But it was basically like, you can pick your chicken, you get your chicken, a strip of a wing, you can have a sauce and the sauce was various different Asian flavours.

You're not mixing this up with the meal the three of us had before the London podcast show. No. That is the exact meal we had had i'm just eating kind of the same stuff in different bits of the country it's a treat it's good good to treat yourself you're back but you're ill now are you is this what you're saying i've come back and when i was driving back from potcoynton every few miles i felt i was getting iller by degrees. Do you know?

It was like my, I was just, my head, like my head was throbbing with temperature and I was just like, yeah, I was just basically, and I had my friend Lee with me for two hours and a three hours drive. That last hour was some real dangerous driving.

Do you know, you're so tired, you're seeing things that aren't there. Do you know when you're so tired, you're seeing things out there? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It was that sort of grade of being very tired. I stopped at services regularly just to get out and go for a walk and stuff. Chop up on plum sauce.

Yeah, I had my pocket full of plum sauce. I said, fill that pocket. And then I went on my way. I'm fine. I'm just, it's been, and I've come back and basically, Nicola are basically doing a parental relay race at the minute. Do you know? So I got back and now, you know,

obviously I'm high flying living in Pocklington. She gets back, pass the baton to her. She's off to do work. She's gone to Lisbon in Portugal. That's where her work takes her. Did she realise how far away it was as well? Lisbon feels like, it feels like mainland Europe. It feels like on a good day, you can climb up Blackpool Tower.

And if the weather's clear clear you can just see Lisbon that's what it feels like isn't it who's getting the PC when you go oh god it's going to tip it's useless

is it I need to swallow it's still not fixed but also I've not done anything about it I've not done a single thing I forgot about the PC

it's because it's about it's been going on since the podcast started you were getting a child to deal with it weren't you it's because it's about since the podcast started you're getting a child to deal with it weren't you it's because it yeah but the child lives in moved to london he's grown now the child has grown into a man and he's moved to london he's moved to london he was never a baby he was always like the child to me he's like 20 or something like that i fed jordan but jordan's moved to london and i't, there's people in,

the last, the last development with it is that I took it to a man in Carlisle, who's like an independent PC repairer. And he had it for four days. Give me it back. And said, I can't, nothing wrong with it.

It charged me 70 quid. And there is something wrong with it. Oh, now I looked at this guy's website. Cause I'm looking again now to try and find pieces and I found him again. And I noticed in his bio, it says, if I can't solve the problem, then you don't get charged. Should I email him and be like,

there's a bit of grey area there. Or do I just give a two stack, I'll go with you and be done with it. I think just chalk it up to experience. I see what he's done there. That is a really good get out though and a loophole, isn't it? Just saying that there is no problem rather than saying I can't diagnose it. Yeah, which means that he hasn't failed to solve the problem

because there is no problem. I've still used his time. It's a bit crafty. But what is wrong with the PC? But he hasn't solved any problem. But there was no problem. That's what bit crafty. But what is wrong with the PC? But he hasn't solved any problem. But there was no problem. Well, that's what he's saying.

We're not in a world where people with perfectly fine computers are going to be sending them in just to waste his time. It might be like exhibitionism, mightn't it? What? Because of what's on his Android? Chris sends his PC in, they open up pictures of him with his knob out. Hmm.

Give me so many quid, please. Yeah. And he gets off on it. Hmm. Yeah. Big time. Hmm. Absolutely love gets off on it. Yeah. Big time.

Absolutely love it. What are you doing now? I'm taking a picture. This is the first time I'm using the hardwire of the internet from downstairs to upstairs. It does look quite good quality. I was just checking that it was running fine and it feels like it is. I feel we've gossed over several points. Yeah. I was,

I'm unwell. Yeah. Yeah. Nickel several points. Yeah. I was, I'm unwell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nickel is away. Yeah. So I've come back to solo parenting. Right. Which is great. I miss the little lad.

We're having a laugh. We're having a laugh. Yeah, good. We keep telling each other secrets. He's like, can I tell you a secret? I'm a ninja. Do you know what I mean? Like that, having a laugh.

I was like, can I tell you a secret? And I pretend sometimes to be like a like a man who was bitten by a vampire pig and turned into a big vampire so i was like i am a big vampire and then i grab him and then he batters me as hard as he can i don't know what it must look like to the other people in the swimming pool. But we've done that. And then basically, and then on Thursday, Nicola returns and I go to London for three, four days to run and perform at my comedy festival,

A Lovely Weekend. In London? No, I meant Manchester. It's in Manchester. I go to Manchesterchester to run a lovely weekend with my friend john so it's just yeah it's a time of great so i'm glad to the way that i'm ill now because by the end of the week i should be in a much better place dr showbiz has left the dr showbiz has left the building this is what elvis got like do you know what i mean absolutely elvis he ended up sort of just,

can have a burger and some heroin. Yeah, but he was on a lot of like amphetamines as well, wasn't he? Yeah. That's the missing ingredient. He did a great show. That's the missing ingredient. Yeah.

I ain't got any amphetamines and I'm not on a Zempik. So we need to get some company funded Zempik on this podcast. Yeah. join our Patreon and we'll start injecting ourselves join our Patreon because we need not one Zen pick but we need at least three Zen picks imagine this audio podcast coming from three

really thin boys imagine that and if a plate of sausages with mustard comes in front of me I'll just be like I don't want to eat them you know i can't imagine that no i think it is like you you eat them but then like you say you sick them up or something that's like it's a hormone your body tells you you're full yeah but then if you do just eat the sausages your body gets rid of it expels the sausages if you go against the

biological signals yeah no fair enough so why should I, so we haven't started the podcast yet, am I aware? Yeah. Why should we start? So I actually am very interested in this just because of,

not just for the podcast, but for myself. I want to know where you're at with the leaks currently. Okay. There is a, there is a

countryside bit. I've, by the way, I have noticed this year, our garden, everything's popping off. Yeah. I think because it was so rainy last year and then it's been so sunny this year, things are just growing. Like there's so many apples on the apple tree. The cherry tree's jumping off. The figs, my God, we're going to have figs up the wazoo.

It would be very difficult to not do well at growing something this year, I would say. The size of the weeds in my garden are unbelievable. They're about two foot tall. There's been some pretty big developments with leeks this week. Yeah. Because, you know, basically over the half-term holiday, my brother and his partner

and their two children, my niece and nephew, came to stay with us for a couple of days. And they came all the way from Devon. So it was like an absolute expedition. But we had a great time and it was lovely. But, you know, when you're spending so much time with your own children, occasionally you need half an hour just away from them,

just to make sure that you really appreciate the bits where you are with them even more. So basically, my sister-in-law, Jo, is very green-fingered. So I've been delaying putting off transferring the leaks from their, like, plastic little container. You're not waiting for her to do it? No, no. But what I needed was somebody who knew what they were doing to sort of just

basically say, yeah, that's all right. Yeah. You take them out and you put them in the bed. Yeah. And we plant, well, it's not on us. Do you plant them immediately next to each other? No. Do you see?

Like there's lots of. Well, you can, you, we've been through this before, but you, you know, you can Google this. Yeah,

but I don't need to Google it because now it's my sister-in-law's fault if they all die. She gave, she gave us like, she gave me some pointers and we spent half an hour spacing them out. Yeah. Like about a hand's width apart from each other. 15 CMs. Yeah. That's about apart from each other. 15 CMs. Yeah, it was about that, roughly.

Yeah. And we spaced them out and she told us, so we dug down, we put them in, we steeped up the soil around the sides. Killing. Yeah, we did that. I put the two monster leeks that I bought for five of each, which reminds me I haven't paid Dave for it yet,

but I put those two monster leeks at the back. They're sort of the backup plan. And they just supermarket leaks they've come up from devon they they brought us some strawberries oh so in the rest of the bed we've put some strawberries which next year will when the leaks come out they will take over that space and i'm gonna be an an abundance of strawberries that's that's nice yeah that's a good idea yeah and she told me we've planted the gap between the only thing that we're missing is some carrot seeds and she's she's getting me to sow carrot seeds in the gap there's like basically three lines of leaks and in between those leaks i'm putting putting some carrot seeds. So it's gone completely from nought to 60 in a week.

From you just sort of urinating on some waste ground. What are you pissing on then? Strawberries and carrots as well? I haven't pissed on anything for a little bit. I just did it once when I got carried away with it. And then I went on this podcast and sort of, it didn't feel good telling other people. Didn't feel good sharing that post on my grid.

That's for sure. Accepted the collaboration. Accepted that 12 hours after it was sent. Yeah. Yeah. You know, the classic 1am except. He can't be pissed off with me.

I've accepted it. Well, look, bit of update from me, Chris, is that this Friday, my leak plugs arrive i too can garden even though it's in london what has happened and i will be charging the podcast for it out of the patreon that's absolutely fine what's the leak plugs well the the mini leak plants little leaks

that's what they're called do they look like little leaks i don't know they they were out of stock yesterday they said come back thursday we've got some more coming in i said is it too late to grow them they said not at all did you ask him about pissing no but i'll ask him why are you doing this because i want to grow some leaks why do you just suddenly want to grow leaks i've never known you talk about leaks because you won't grow your leaks we've been talking about them for ages. So this is like, to show you, I've already got Richard showing me up. He's brought me

into the leek competition to lose. I'm in the competition now. Tell Richard I'm in the competition. Richard! Ignore. Strike for the record. Do you have to be up there to join or can you join from outside of town? The only thing that makes me think that you definitely do is that when it comes time to have the actual competition, which I can't remember exactly when it is,

but Farmer Neil comes round all the participants' houses. I don't know how he does it, but he brands or marks the leaks to make sure that the leaks that are marked are the ones that go into the competition. He's welcome to come down here. Yeah. There's no rules that a dog can't play basketball. Is that an analogy I want?

I don't know. It does well. The dog does well. I think it wins the NBA. Well, look, I am at a disadvantage because I don't have beds. I've got to use planters. Are you buying planters? Just show have beds. I've got to use planters. Are you buying planters? Just show me up.

I've got some. I am buying one for the leaks, yeah. But I've already got two in the garden for flowers. Nice. James, you're not thinking of... Well, I am now. Chris, it'll be fun. It'll be all the boys growing leaks.

This is what we've always wanted. Yeah, but I'm seeing off aggression at all angles. No, this is not an aggressive act. This is an act of solidarity. He's joining in. To be like, look, I've spent, I know exactly what he's doing. I've Googled leeks and I'm following these basic steps because it's irritated because i'm just doing it on a vibes based model and largely hiring my sister-in-law as an unpaid as an unpaid consultant

the only work you've done is get some free horse manure and then piss on it i've pissed i have pissed on some stuff'm going to piss on some more stuff. But my sister-in-law said basically, so now they've, oh God, what did she call it? Summit shock. They could basically, they would have been moved. Nothing will probably happen for a week or two weeks. Right. Because they're basically getting used to in the new environment

do you know i mean like they're not really sure what's going on so they're like freeze so she got me to water we planted it and then watered it in so it settles the soil and now it's basically just a case of sitting a little bit but it should do good for them great good did you do any put puddling in what's that man are you googling as we speak yeah what any puddling in? What's that, Matt? Oh, you're Googling as we speak. Yeah. What's puddling in? Just when you make the hole for the leak and you put the leak in it,

you fill it up with water a few times. What's that for then? Why do they do that? Just give it extra water, probably to help it get over the shock. Is it? Similar. The sort of thing that Chris needs,

finding out that you've also entered the leak game. Can you just tell us when you decided to grow leaks and when they're actually going to be planted? Well, when did we have the, when did I, there was that time when basically. You'd just been to leak club when we recorded.

You were so excited when we recorded you. I've been to leak club. What happened? I've gone down for the leeks, for the leek soup, and I quietly put away three or four pats of Guinness with my mate Dave. Some people in the village that won't look at me or acknowledge me sort of spent time talking to me. So I was like high on the feeling of being brought into the village community.

And that's when I signed up to it. And was that like October? I think it was towards the end of the year. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like they get, maybe get judged in September, October.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can we come to the, can we come to the ceremony? You know what? You can, because I've decided I'm going to,

whatever happens, I'm going to do a speech. I'm going to do it naked. I'm going to do it naked. I'm going to be like, can I say something? Do you know what I mean? Which will be really funny if I haven't placed at all. Well, I should also speak because I'm like a visiting expert in leaks, really. Yeah.

I don't think that. James, you should speak as well. I'm just there for vibes, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just there to have a good time. I don't think that. James, you should speak as well. I'm just there for vibes. Yeah. Yeah. Just there to have a good time. I'll prepare a speech. Just want some pissy soup.

Thanks. I'll tell you what, I think right now, maybe again, maybe it's because I quietly put away four pints of Guinness, but it was the nicest soup I've ever tasted. It was leek and potato.

It was so peppery. It was so peppery and what what ingredient it's one of the foods i think about all the time the other one being and this came out of nowhere the king charles coronation quiche my mother-in-law made it do you know like king charles had this when the when king charles yeah they gotta come up with a new chicken haven't they every My mother-in-law made it. Do you know, like, King Charles had this... When King Charles... Yeah, they've got to come up with a new chicken, haven't they? Every royal... Yeah, like, basically, there's a tradition of, like, other royal events, like, creating a bespoke special food.

The big one in this country is coronation chicken. Yeah, is that... Have they... Did they do it before Queen Elizabeth? What? Is coronation chicken Queen Elizabeth's combination dish? They probably did. Yeah.

I'll look it up. Like what's George VI's? That was a that was a pig. What was Albert the one that had the one that there was one of the Alberts

Prince Albert's like Victoria's son Albert he was his nickname was Dirty Bertie. Why? He's got, well, if you look up his sex chair and he had like a membership to a Parisian brothel.

I mean, fair enough, really, ain't it? We've all got, there's always been a generation of oil who's a sexy royal. If you go to historyextra.com, how did King Edward VII's love chair work? You want me to look that up? I'm not looking it up. If you want. No.

If the listener wants to. I'm trying to find out a history of coronation dishes. But all it says is the coronation chicken was inspired by Jubilee chicken, a dish prepared for the silver jubilee of george the fifth in 1935 which mixed chicken with mayo and curry i mean that really is it isn't it but coronation chicken is coronation chicken is a delight and a mainstay and i'll tell you what i don't think i've never met anyone else who's ever eaten the king charles coronation quiche i've not had any coronation quiche i think i had some platydupes trifle well the family's got a website yeah they've got a website and

there's a secret tab on it king charles has got a podcast king charles has got a podcast he's got a website with a secret page coronation quiche flour butter, that's the pastry, filling, milk, cream eggs, normal, tarragon, cheddar cheese, spinach and broad beans. That sounds pretty average. Was it nice, Chris? Honestly, I think it was the addition of the broad beans. Yeah, right. It was magical. It was so fresh.

In fact, I'm going to message Mike. This is the sort of thing where my mother-in-law do you know mike oh do you remember that coronation quiche and she'll make the coronation quiche are you saying these are the two flavors that still resonate in your mind coronation quiche and leek and potato soup yeah these are like yeah these are two the two foods that i think have intermittent right okay so if you come up for the leek, for the leek do, we can quietly put away four pints.

Yes. And have some leek soup with some white, white bread, buttered, and they don't, they don't hold back. Good. There's another,

there's something else on countryside update from you, Chris, which I need some explanation for. The third point, Chris, please. The third point, Chris, please. The third point. Oh, yes. I was out walking today. This is a bit of a sad story, this, really.

Well, I don't know how sad it is. I was out walking, you know, doing my perimeter of the village intermittently. Like I say, I'm so upset because I'd had a hectic couple of weeks. My exercise has gone out at window. Do you know what I mean? I've not been able to run.

I haven't done a swim. I haven't done any press-ups. And at this age, it feels like if I untense that knot for one second, I'm dead in a bath chair. Do you know what I mean? It feels like it's a last chance saloon in that. So I was frustrated. I was getting home and then I was like, when I'm at home,

I'm at home all week until Thursday, until the festival. So I'm like, that's two little runs and a bit of exercise and I can start to feel myself again. But it's all gone out at window now I've been ill. So I'm feeling super frustrated. So I thought what I would do this morning morning is when the boys dropped off at school is do this three mile walk around the outskirts of the village which i really love doing there's often wild deer knocking around who i think are very much considered a pest but when i see them there isn't even all this time living up here,

like five years, it still never fails to strike me as wonderful. You know, they're so beautiful. And you don't understand how they can move so elegantly on legs that are really just a bi-rose thickness, you know, really thin legs. But this morning I was walking around i'm trying not to like my attention spans all over the place at the minute so i'm doing it without music and stuff like this i'm trying to avoid distraction but halfway through it gets better with me a little bit and i start playing music on my phone and i'm listening to and i'm listening to stained do you remember stained no no is this what would that be

it's stain and then d yeah yeah any apostrophe no apostrophe i don't think they didn't used to have those they didn't have them back then they did a massive song called it's been a while and outside real i would say i call it miserable metal, real misery guts of metal, sad sack bollocks. But it reminds me of my childhood, do you know what I mean? And I was listening to that, that came on, and basically there was this deer not that far ahead of me. And they're normally very, very, they're so aware.

They're so delicate, which means that they have to be hyper aware of their surroundings you know if they and normally i think someone told me it's they've got this mad sense of smell so if i'm downwind they could they like from like half a i don't know a few hundred foot away they will cock you and bolt but this one i sort of crept up on it somehow and it like panicked and it ran, it bolted, but it was running into this like crevice between two fences. And this is the thing now where it's like, then with sheep that get loose as well,

you don't know what to do to, you try not to, they're just so scared that they have to, they try to get away at any cost, but you're like, please don't do anything mad. Anyway, it bolted away from me, got into this crevice, and rather than like run back the other way past me, and this is all happening very quickly.

I think if I had my time again, I'd have retreated and left it, you know, but I wasn't thinking clearly because it was a bit startled. It belted into this fence and like launched itself into and over this fence and landed on the road. And it just, and then I just stayed still to let it get away. And I didn't see it again, but I was just like, I hope it's okay. What were you going to say then? A truck came down and smashed it

apart final destination no we've got all these i always think of final destination too where we've got loads of logging like for weeks and weeks of the year we get from the national forestry thing the logging companies come you know and take the wood. Oh, right. Because I always think of Final Destination 2 when that entire tree trunk went through somebody's car window on the highway. It was wicked. That had 999, didn't it? Yeah, that had 999.

But basically, I think, I hope it's okay. It looked like it was fine, but I am aware that in the natural world, like, sort of, if you cut yourself or something like that that'll be it you'd be you'd be gone why would i be gone if i just cut myself you like in the natural world you can't retreat to like any weakness yeah but a little cut you'd be fine but you hit your brick you like yourself like that you're dead you're dead oh yeah break i'm dead i'm dead yeah again what What if Chris came at you? What if Chris,

what if I was walking around delicately with legs like Byros and Chris came at me playing Stained? Yes. Would you, would you, would you try and kill yourself by hurling yourself into a place?

With the instincts of the natural world, you know, that I've, you know, got inside me at that point, I could look deep into his eyes, know he's not a threat

and run at him. Attack him, yeah. Yeah, and then what he'd do is walk straight into a fence, terrified, and knock himself out cold.

Final destination style. Final destination style. Final destination style. But I hope it's well, but I think, I think, basically, in summary,

I think I killed a deer with new metal that is what happened yeah such is the power of early 2000s rap rock it's not rap i said it was rap rock it's not right yeah yeah yeah yeah i know so now i live in the countryside you live in the city i would love to know what's going on in the city of London, United Kingdom. Here is the city, mate. The main news is that I have taken up the sport of golf.

I could tell from your shirt. What the fuck? I've been monitoring. What the fuck are you wearing right now? This is my golf shirt from TK Maxx. It's made by a company called Under Armour, and you have to wear brightly coloured tops like this so that people can see you on the course.

I is instantly drawn to the label that's still hanging around your neck. In London, we leave the TK Maxx labels on. I didn't think, I honestly thought you were above a midlife crisis, but it's all happening at once, isn't it? Golf is a young person's game, and that's why I'm playing it. It's golf, it's leagues. Can you play golf? No way.

I wouldn't dare. Nor can I, but I'm trying. I'm trying. Yeah, it was quite fun. We did an 18-hole course, which is way too much for me, considering I haven't actually swung a golf club for about 15 years.

18 holes, I knocked it on the head at nine, and two of those I didn't really do because I lost my ball and I couldn't be arsed to keep going. And then I sat in the bar bit just waiting for the others. But I really enjoyed the seven holes I did do. But it was very hot.

But yeah, I can't swing really really i've got a very bad swing it was nice i bought a i basically had to buy some golf clubs off facebook marketplace found some i just thought oh that'd be a good good set of clubs that looks all right it was like 50 quid including the bag negotiated so negotiated down from, on email, negotiated down from 60 to 50, got there, the seller was a 10-year-old boy. Whose golf clubs were they? I don't know. But then we looked into the golf clubs I bought. They don't make them anymore.

They've got wooden, there's a lot of wood involved. Did you buy Bagger Vance's golf clubs? I buy Bagger Vance's golf clubs? Bagger Vance's golf clubs and a leather bag that looks like it belongs in Caddyshack the film. It's proper old school stuff. Was the 10 year old boy dressed in Victorian clothes and wouldn't stop crying? And then he disappeared

I turned around and he'd gone with my money And all your money was leaves? Because I should have asked where did you get them from but I just wanted to get the transaction out. It was just very odd paying it. Did you knock him down a few more when you saw it was a 10-year-old? No, his dad was hovering behind him. Also a ghost.

His dad was whispering, don't yield, son. This is where you become a true Facebook marketplaces. I was wondering, yeah, because I bought these clubs, 50 quid, went down there, played a game. Absolutely lovely day out. You know, you do like 10,000 steps. Guys I went with brought a load of cans with them as well. I didn't have one, but they're having a few beers along the way.

Don't feel like you would be allowed under the terms of the golf course. Well, that's what's anyone going to do. Tinnies on route. You're actually allowed to have tinnies and piss if no one sees you. I feel like you've gone with some deviants who've really got into the bylaws. Do you know what I mean? It's not like it doesn't forbid it, but it definitely doesn't say you should do it either.

It's just, yeah, mate. Airbud rules. Again, it's airbud rules. It's just vibes down there. It's good stuff. We won't go back to that course, but we had a good day out. Too much. Yeah, so now golf is my thing. It's just vibes down there. It's good stuff. We won't go back to that course, but we had a good day out. It was.

Yeah, so now golf is my thing. I'm going to play that a bit. Quite good to have because I can just go down in the, if anyone ever wants to play with me, I can just go down in the midweek when it's cheaper and learn how to play golf on my own. Tell me this.

Did you enjoy it? I actually did enjoy it. I can see myself not enjoying. There were points of it I didn't enjoy enjoy such as the fact it was about 26 degrees and i'd forgotten to bring a bottle of water and then i got a headache didn't enjoy that yeah and but i did enjoy the rare occasions when i actually hit the ball yeah and it kind of does what you want that felt good and it goes in a straight line you're like all right we're getting somewhere i think i because it's pretty maybe it's beginner's luck but i think you know most of the shots i mean it took a bit of a while i can't i haven't got any distance if it's like a 500 yard

shot it'll take me five shots to get to the green well it's not funny no no just you might as well just fucking blow on it. Gravity will do that. No, that's good. I'm interested in hobbies. Well, yes, I thought it'd be nice in the summer as well to get out there. It also means you can go down TK Maxx and get some disgusting fucking shirts like this. Yeah. The fashion is absolutely vile in golf.

Absolutely vile. You're going're gonna be you should show up you should get yourself down to take care of access to some phobo do you know what i mean happy happy girl mara you know they're actually quite strict on clothes you have to wear it says sort of like tailored trousers so i mean i think with a crease down the front maybe not jeans shorts have to be tailored that's it you can't wear like sport shorts you can't wear jeans you fuck off you have to wear a collared shirt fuck off all right and you have to wear fucking trousers with a that means it's not a proper sport if you if whether you can or cannot do it is decided by whether your trousers have a fucking crease down the middle what a load of bollocks that means that

i've never heard something that was so clearly a racist clause put in to keep certain people from well your trousers aren't right that's exactly where that's come from and we all know it fuck golf fuck golf culture. I'll tell you what, I don't know what... Lots of courses you can go down wearing, waddling around in little pants if you want. What do you mean? Well, there's public courses you can go to where there's no dress code.

Oh, so you in the upper echelons here. Have you been invited into a... No, no, you can go to any of these courses and they'll let you visit for a day for like 30 quid. But you have to follow their dress code. Yeah, but it's going to be a dress code. Well, the next one we're going to does nachos. Oof.

And it's got a crazy dinosaur golf course as well. Ooh, that sounds fun. James, can we just cut in there and put that at that point? I didn't know what I was talking about. I'd love to completely redact all that stuff I said about golf golf being shit and the people being shit

I didn't know about the nachos I didn't know you could fucking crack a ball off a Raptors head I didn't know the best thing about

this is that if you go to the right courses you can have a couple of cans you can have some nachos alright and you can just you can have some nachos, all right,

and you can take some photos with some plastic dinosaurs. This is going to be good. This is going to be the best summer ever. But this is why, like, this, skiing, sports require an investment, which means it is inherently, by its very nature, exclusive. This is why I keep its very nature, exclusive. This is why I keep it real. Parkour. Is that your sport of choice?

Parkour. It's near you. The only thing I need, yeah, which is like... You've got no concrete, you've got no walls, you've got Hadrian's Wall and that's it. Yeah, that's why I take the parkour of least resistance, you know. That's not parkour. That's willful destruction of historical sites, though, isn't it? If you're walking along that.

The deer was trying to parkour over the fence and you saw what happened to that. The deer was trying to end its own life rather than listen to early noughties pog walk, you know. The deer wanted to die. That is how Blair justified Iraqaq exactly that kind of thinking exactly and it's time we brought tony blair ethos back into the mainstream god he was charming won't he he was charming and he had that he had a magnetic he had a magnetic smile. And we'd do anything to see it one way.

A lovely smile. House prices went up. Blair was like, 1997. No, James, don't worry. 1997. The ethos was we should bring this back. It was just put it on the credit card. Yeah, that was it.

Because the house price will go up, whatever happens. Don't worry about it. Yeah. Cool Britannia. Blur. Oasis. Oasis. Do you want a conservatory? Just get one. We'll pay about it. Yeah. Cool Britannia. Blur. Oasis. Do you want a conservatory?

Just get one. We'll pay for it. Your kids will pay for it. Their kids will pay for it. De-regulation of stuff. Yeah, de-regulate the banks. Have a laugh. Have a laugh with that.

Buy one and you get one free. You buy one. I say you buy one, you get one free. Quick point. Ipswich has a Warhammer with an MMA gym above it. Whoa. What do you think of that? Wow.

That to me is the ultimate one-stop shop. It's a full body workout, isn't it? With a mind as well, yeah. Yeah, you do that. You do your physical reps to get you in a place to outmanoeuvre an elven troop, you know? Is that basically chess boxing for the nowadays people? Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is.

What is chess boxing? It's where you play a move of chess and then you do a round of boxing. Then you do a move of chess and then you do a round of boxing. I tell you what, we've talked about this, but I've just dusted off the old chess set. Yeah? No. I'm doing, me and the boy, the old chess set. Yeah. No. I'm doing, me and the boy, the boy, we don't have patience.

Oh, I've got some. Right. Loop it all back. I've got a couple. Right. One, me and the boy. We don't, you know, I've talked about this before. I desperately want, I feel that culturally I am a board game person, but crucially I've not played one really in 15 years or so, you know.

So yeah, crucially I really struggled to get into actually playing board games, but we've started playing chess. We don't really finish the games because there's a tension sort of. I've never finished a game of chess. I don't know how to. Are you flipping the board, Chris? Yeah. Yeah, if he pulls one over, gone.

If he gets your horsey. But we play it while we're having, if it's like me and him, we'll play it while we're having tea, which is lovely. And it's quick. And neither of us can think further than exactly one move ahead. In fact, we can't think further than the move we're doing at that time. Do you know what I mean? And we are both routinely, we both routinely like accidentally

put each other in check and we haven't noticed. Do you know what I mean? Like that's the sort of caliber of chess players we are. But some of the great things happened when my brother and sister-in-law and family were staying with us my brother showed me how to play katan oh yeah i've played katan yeah and it's a big deal oh right oh well done i've never played it i've got it i've never played it i don't think i can find the people with the time and the patience to play it. Carcassonne, however, I have played.

Little French game, little French board game. About a walled city, isn't it? Yeah. Walled city, yeah. You've got to build walled cities. Yeah. I prefer golf. Different, you know, different things for different people.

People. I suppose with you being the city i'm just reading into this you're the city guy and you're looking to yeah you know your hobby is taking you out into the fields chris you're the country guy your hobby is about basically starting a small city that's really interesting what's your hobby james just watching doggers yeah Just... Watching doggers. Yeah, watching out for doggers. There is one place where there's definitely doggers.

There was a really famous dogging spot. Well, you run the website which has the links to the... Yeah. It was popular. And, yeah, they knocked the... And denial is as good as a confession. Can't just ignore the accusation. Yeah.

They knocked the toilets down that was the dogging hotspot but people you still see people in the labor you don't need the toilets you do it the point of dogging is that you get sucked off in your car i think that was i think the toilets were a cottage a cottage you do need buildings for but then it's sort of dog in the dogging scene i think has sort of cannibalized the cottage scene well not cannibalised, just lost it off for the website it's doing alright now

if you're wondering it's an old fashioned 1990s website, it's got a visitor count on it yes tick when it goes to 69 everybody cheers 69 visitors in total do you know what

I don't know this is you've set me off on a little mystery here I don't know about the dog insane in

rural Cumbria Northumbria well I don't think you should get into that please don't get into that because you will just get the drone out

you'll have a look I want to know where they are so that I can stay as far away from it as possible. It's important to identify them so we can stay as far away. Yeah, yeah. I get it. Right, suburbs bit. Should we have a letter? Yeah, read it.

We've had some correspondence, Chris. Do you want to set this up? Well, this is a right to reply type situation. Yeah. In the last episode, there was some chatter about, I was basically speaking on behalf of the Northumbrian people, which has generated a bit of feedback. And we've received

this message which I'll play now just listened to your recent podcast I'd like to make a full complaint I think you find people from Northumberland are very tall and they are not short and we all don't ride on horses that is more Cumbrian people. So I like to disclaimer the fact that Northumberland aren't short Cumbria are. Thank you. So, yeah. So there you go. Right. So that is all you, Chris.

Well, we as a podcast must, it's important that men in this day and age put our hands up and admit when we've got it wrong. Well, thank you for picking Chris up on that, whoever the voice message was from, actually. A voicemail. That's a voice note from Andy the Trey Bake Man. Oh, it's Andy, is it?

All right. Shout out, Andy. Crystal clear to me now, because Andy is, I would say, six foot eight. He's a tall man. He's an unfathomably tall man. He also did just slag off people in Northumbria. Cumbria. He said the people in Cumbria.

That's it. Okay. Basically, we sit on the line. Do you know what I mean? He said not everyone rides horses, which implies that quite a number do. You can say that about anywhere in the world. Not everyone here rides a horse. So Andy, thank you for your contribution, but we've talked it through, and we think you

can actually shove that up your arse. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop saying we. We collectively. Chris thinks you should shove it up your arse. I would like to thank you for your contribution. We think, fuck off on your horse. Andy, no, he's the tray bake guy no i'm not alienating

my sauce of tray bakes although if i did that'd be do you know what i mean i need to reduce my access to sweet treats but people can send us their rights to reply if they send it to christopher at a lovely time send a little voice note do it on your phone come on everyone knows how to do it we don't need to tell them how to do it you can send a little voice note. Do it on your phone. Come on, everyone knows how to do it. We don't need to tell them how to do it. You can send a little voice note, but I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Get us a little SIM card so that people could just voice note directly on WhatsApp.

That's cool, isn't it? Yeah, that's great. I need an old phone, which we've definitely got knocking around. I need a SIM which will cost whatever SIMs cost. Yeah, fine then. I'm just going to do that. Or they could just also, in the meantime,

because remember how long the leaks have taken. In the meantime, they could just email us. yo yo yo yo yo yo thank you for listening to verbal concerns just a reminder you can get tickets to our last live show of the year it's's on 22nd of November at Fairfield Social Club in Manchester and tickets for that show are in the notes. Yep, and I am doing my final, final tour date of my show, Easily Suede, and that is in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, June 14th, which is a Saturday afternoon, and it's nearly upon us.

Tickets for that are in the show notes too. And the best way to support us is by becoming a Rural Concerns patron. For a small donation, you'll not only be supporting an independent podcast, and that means we have the power to say fuck off to whoever we want. Like Donald Trump.

Whoa. Donald Trump. Because they fuck off. Come on, we ain't got that much money. You'll also get weekly bonus episodes and stick around for a sneaky peek after the credits

our artwork who's that by oh my god it's Poppy Hillstead our music Sam O'Leary and our legal due diligence is by Calderic

entertainment lawyer Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Resident Evil 2 Burrows and is produced by Egg Mountain for Lovely Time Productions. Wait, Sonal, who's that old lady behind you, like, sort of hovering

off at you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is that Victorian child still crying? I think my neighbour's got a ghost. She came round the other day yeah and she said oh can i ask what you're doing what that sound is because my books just flew off the bookshelf and the whole bookshelf went on the ground and i was just sitting in my i was just sitting at my desk doing nothing just doing a classic ouija board yeah so she's like oh well it must be a ghost but they can't go through walls from what i gather. No, that's the thing they do do.

No, no, not into different properties. I don't think ghosts respect boundaries like that. They are taught by, I think they are. I believe that they are. But what if when the ghost was alive, it was all one building? Because I'm sure if you're in a set of flats. No, no, she's in the house next door. It could have been a one-er.

No, it definitely wasn't a one-er. A hundred percent. Hundo? A hundred percent, not a one-er. Unless that ghost died there before they put up the internal walls.

They might have. If it's knocking the bookshelves off, it's probably looking for the door. Oh, God. The spirit is constrained to the upper floor,

but allows itself, do you know what I mean? Just pushes its face through the floor to look below to you while you're having a fiddle yourself. Bong. Like that.