Rural Concerns - Nintendos, trackers & slime

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

The lads ditch church for an emergency broadcast when Sunil's beloved Lexus is stolen! You can literally hear the testosterone flowing as he recounts this genuinely thrilling tale of vigilantism in action. Meanwhile, James’ wallet is about to take a big hit and Chris has stood in something viscous. Also, keep an eye on the sky if you’re knocking about on the Champs-Élysées! Chris still has a couple of tour dates! He's off to Barnard Castle (22nd March) and Chorley (17th May) Grab your tickets, here! Got a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and the music is by Sam O’Leary. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. P.S. If you think being rude to elderly people is cool then we’d rather you didn’t listen tbh!

Hello and welcome to another high-octane episode of Rural Concerns, a podcast about life in the countryside and beyond. I'm Sunil Patel, a gent about town who is always carrying around a roll of £50 notes and has, if anything, too much dick. Thank you, Chris, for writing that. Did I write that, did I? My name is Chris Cantrell, official top lad in residence of Hadrian's Wall. And if you are ever in the

area, make sure to stop by and watch me do Zippo tricks on the stump of Sycamore Gap. And me? I'm producer James. I sound like this because I'm very long and wide. Every now and again you might hear me sigh, but don't worry, I'm not upset.

It's just a signal that I've done a... Say it. Say it, you coward. Come on. Say it, it's just a signal that I've done say it say it you coward come on say it it's written down come on come on Chris this is

this is what's it a signal that you've done I'm not gonna say it alright come on then let's cover ourselves in honey and run headfirst

into glory James was gonna say come on Chris writes these put first into glory. James was going to say come. Chris writes these. Joe put this at the start. I've got to apologise for my microphone. This was a giddy last minute record and I

did not choose the right microphone so that's why I sound a bit different at first until I realise that. I can only apologize for that. And I will take steps to stop that in the future. And I mean, Sonoro does like to apologize on James's behalf.

We believe that we will, we will believe that if you continue to give us your time, that we will improve. We've come in hot. We've come in hot. It's a special emergency broadcast. I've been upstairs. I'm stripping wallpaper in an attic space.

Do you know what I mean? So I've had to take a break from that to podcast. You're watching your dad strip wallpaper? No, my dad's still enjoying his month in Malta. I'm trying to get as much done on my own. I'm stripping too much wallpaper. That's for another day though. I've gone to get as much done on my own. I'm stripping too much wallpaper. That's part of the data. I've gone to,

do you know like where you, you shouldn't probably touch the wallpaper because what's underneath is a bigger problem than I've just decided it's all going in this one room. Is it like, is it like loads of spores? And then when they come out, they give you like hallucinations and stuff.

Cause I had that once. I think it's like the walls, some of the walls were probably fine, but I'm just like back to the plaster and i'm gonna get there because this is gonna be the podcasting studio that is gonna kick this podcast i'm gonna podcast standing up i've told you this that's the plan yeah you keep saying it i don't believe it will it solve the issue of us only seeing half your face because you don't line up the camera? It's my actual full face on screen now. Yeah, but half of one eye is gone. Now, okay, that whole eye is gone.

That's it. I don't know what to say. Right, your wife set you up at the last episode to have a perfect setup. Well, she's gone. No, no, she's fine. I was like, listen, you need to look after our son because we've got an emergency podcast to do on a Sunday.

We should all be at church, but we've had to emergency record this podcast. Pray tell, son-in-law, what's happened? Are you okay? The news from London, which has triggered this emergency record, is... Here is the city, mate. My car was stolen.

And I've done a lot of research. My God. You know what, Sunil? There's been a spate. I'll tell you what's been happening because I've done a lot of research into it since my car was thieved from me by thieves. It's very easy. My car is very easy to steal.

I was wondering why the insurance was so high on it. Because I'm not a young driver. You punch a hole in the wheel arch on the passenger side, grab some wires, and it'll just start, and you can just drive it off. I want to talk about the spate, Sunil. Yeah, the spate. There's been such a spate of car thefts around

me, people I know, since Christmas. Someone on my road. Two to three people at my in-laws' road, all of them. And now Sunil. Yeah. I don't think you could, I don't think you could steal modern cars. I didn't think there were, I didn't think there were like 1950s hot rods, you know, where you just like. Oh, my neighbor got their car stolen and then they put up like CCTV and stuff on my road. This is like maybe last summer, but then I,

I've got a camera, one of those ring doorbells, but I parked my car around the corner. So it wasn't covered by any camera, went back to it maybe two days after I last used it and it had gone. And it wasn't there anymore. There it was gone. And then I had to get the bus while I Googled,

where is my car? So let's, let's walk through it a little bit more so what what had you been up to around and about right so tuesday i went to halfords to get a new car battery so then i i was talking to the lad who was replacing my car battery he had a nice little high-vis jacket on and he was like how do you how are you finding the lexus it's good and he went yeah it's a bit small isn't it i was like no it's absolutely fine he goes what you need to get is one of them and then he pointed at his car and it's one of the biggest bmws i've ever seen and the man's just changing windscreen wipers in a car park why does he got a big bmw yeah i don't know he absolutely showed me up i don't know maybe he knows cars or maybe he's spending every penny

he's got on that car i think there's car. I think there's an epidemic of people spending money that they don't have on credit in it. You see people driving around Range Rovers that when you Google them, they cost as much as a house in some parts of the country. 140 grand for a Range Rover, but they're very easy to steal as well. Because the people that buy them a week and you can force them under duress to give you the keys because they're too wet.

You don't even need the keys. You can sit next to it with a laptop, unlock it, get in, plug something into a port and start it within 30 seconds and drive off. It's just a frequency, isn't it, on the old computer? If you can scream at the correct frequency, you can have any car you want. Yeah, and you attract loads of birds. Yeah, like those, use the volume of, the power of your voice as a weapon.

I saw a little girl put a black belt down with one, you know, like, yeah, like that. And she put it up and it fell off. Yeah. Like a Street Fighter 2, isn't it? When that wave comes. Yeah. The Hadouken.

Is that, who's that? Is that Dhalsim? Dhalsim does the fire. Dhalsim does stretchiness. It's not sound, is it? And also does stretchiness, but he can breathe fire. Is it Guile?

Guile is... Sonic boom! ...does sonic boom. That's different, isn't it? That's not the Hadouken. That's actually a physical action. He waves his arms so quick he makes a sonic boom.

He waves his arms over 700 miles an hour. That feels normal. I could do that. Look. Well, careful. You've just unlocked three hatchbacks. Right, yeah.

So you went to Holtford's. Brand new battery. On the bus, which is like watching, do you know what I mean? We're cross-cutting here. You're on the bus. You're thinking about the previous Tuesday when you're in Holtford. It's like watching some powerful leader from a bygone age reduced to public transport.

I don't like it. I don't like the idea of seeing, I don't like the idea of thinking of you on a bus. Not even on the front seat at the top. It's executive cars. Well, as in arms out like you're flying. That's it, making the kids and the old people move out of the way for me. Can I tell you, me and my mates were walking,

this is a few years ago now, we were in London, we were drinking in an afternoon when we should have been in an office, I think, and my friend Zach was walking down the street and he was like going, pew, pew, he was sort of putting his hands out, you know, like walking in front of us like that. And then my friend Dan went, Zach, are you pretending that you're Iron Man and you're shooting with your palms?

And Zach went, yeah. Well, yeah, so I had to get the bus because I was going to have a look at a flat to move to. I didn't know what to do. I thought, oh, I'll just have to go to the appointment anyway. So I got the bus there and then I called the police on the way. Obviously they can't be like,

oh, poor you, you've lost your little car. They're not, they're not fussed about stuff like this. No. The only thing they get out of bed for is, I don't know,

like national grade stuff. National grade stuff, is it? That's what I heard. Yeah. Threats to the power supply someone's flying a kite where they've been buying on

mobilising you're saying your bill's how much this month no but the list of crimes to which they don't come out for is steadily growing well if there's a spate

of these robberies I'm allowed to say things that are true James but if there's a spate of these robberies there must be like someone else dealing with it I'm allowed to say things that are true, James. If there's a spate of these robberies, there must be someone else dealing with it. It wouldn't be your local policeman, would it? But yeah, they upload it to the system in case it gets caught on CCTV and found.

Number plate replacement. See, this is why... Tell your mates, Chris, this is why CCTV can be good. I'm pro-Chinese AI facial recognition. Yeah. This is what it took to tip you. What about in London?

That seems really bad, isn't it? Don't they record everyone's face and then give you social points for not spitting? Yeah, but if you're doing it in London, I think it should be everyone. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Oh, I don't mean just the Chinese. I mean the Chinese software.

I just want to recognise Chinese facialists, I don't mean just the Chinese. I mean the Chinese software. I just want to recognise Chinese facialists. I don't mean just on... So you're not accused of racism because you say a Korean's Chinese. I see. You just want to know what's going on where. Yeah, okay. So that's...

It seems pretty Halloween. I've never had a car stolen. Yeah, so you're on the bus. You're on the blower to the police. That feels like an awkward conversation as well that you know other people can hear. I feel I would be quite be quite i know i was doing it by bloody dog park as well so i had little dogs yapping away in the background kids screaming and stuff not in an attacky kind of way but they were just like having fun it's like a playground but then the estate

agent was running a bit late i was looking on my phone have you got like an app for your car see this is the thing while i was on the phone to the police i remembered i've got the app for the car but this is another downside of technology actually i have a setting turned on my on my iphone which deletes apps if i don't use them frequently enough i had to re-download it so we're talking a two 300 megabyte download out in the open and you don't always get strong 5g so i had to wait a couple of minutes there's a tracker there's a tracker on my car so i can find out exactly where it is and i just thought oh obviously they'll have removed the tracker yeah that's all it that's what had happened to many of the other ones from this yeah exactly yeah but then i looked and it was

parked up maybe like half a mile away from my house. It's like up on top of a hill. There's a big estate on top of a hill and they parked it up there, it looked like, on the thing. So I said to the police on the phone, I was like, oh, look, I've got a tracker. Do you want to know where it is? And they're like, yeah, go on then, where is it? And I was like, it's on this street. And they're like, right, yeah.

So I was like, well, shall I go and get it? And he said, well, if you want, I can't tell, should I go and get it? And he said, well, if you want, I can't tell you you should go and get it, but you'd be really- No, it could be quite dangerous. Well, he was like, no, he's like, no, it would really help us out a lot if you went and got it, to be honest.

It would really help us out if you took the law into your own hands. Yeah, so he was like- Chris, you must be loving this. I'm not allowed to say, like, if they, it'd really help us out because we are unable or- Here we go are unable or can't quite be asked. Cannot be, they can't do anything right for you, can they, Chris?

But what if? They're beating up criminals too much. They're not beating up criminals enough. Who steals cars, though? Do you think these people are fine? Yeah. Well, do you think these people are fine yeah well do you think these people

are fine and not violent that's what I was thinking alright so I was like so he was like if you feel unsafe obviously just let us know and we'll come just go home

just get under your duvet is it a tasty estate or is it like a posh estate like what sort of like it's not like it's not like a no-go area

type thing it's not a no-go area no would you know of a no-go area how would you know if it's a no-go area well it's not like it's not like a no-go area type thing it's not a no-go area no would you know of a no-go area how would you know if it's a no-go area well it's in there's like where where you live there's like places that are a bit tastier than others you do know these but london doesn't it don't really work like that in london does it it's just it's not it's no-go it's just that you don't know the geography of that estate like because it has lots of little

paths and steps and stuff you don't know the way through so you think it's a no-go area because you it's like a maze to you and you don't never go in it's like a weird because there is a thing where they're like the road wise they do restrict the ability to drive through those like housing estates don't they absolutely so you got to get in and out but it was parked on a like a it looked like a very narrow road in between two larger roads which meant which felt like it was right outside someone's flat or house or whatever so you know i thought who how am i going to get up there i had the key on me so at least i had that because i'd walked out of the house with the key before i got the bus thinking i you know get in the car thought, right, I'll call local crime fighter, Red Richardson slash comedian.

That's his real name. And that does, he does sound like a fight, like, like a, like a Marvel character. But he's also just bought a new car. So I thought he'll be happy to get that in action and help me find it. So I phoned him. He'd be happy to bring that near car criminals. So I called him and it wasn't that late in the day but i know you know we'd had a couple of drinks the night before yeah so i was like i phoned him and i was like oh he answered after two rings and he was just fresh fresh as a daisy and i was like what are you up to he goes i've just been to the boxing gym

so i thought that's my guy this is who i need yeah and i said right have you got your car nearby because my car's been stolen and it's showing up an estate around the corner can you pick me up and we'll go and find my car and possibly fight off some bigger lads if they try and take the car back and he said don't worry at all i've been to the gym this morning let me get in my car and I'll come and get you. I'm 10 minutes away. I'll see you in 10 minutes. So he's pumped.

He's pumped. I'm getting pumped. I'm standing on a street now, just pumped, waiting. But little did I know, I found out later on from his wife, he hadn't been to the gym at all that morning. He'd simply woken up to the ring of my phone and pretended he'd simply woken up to the ring of my phone and pretended he'd been awake for hours why oh instantly why lie where yeah yeah yeah so also it turns out

this is the map this is the wild card that you've got in the in the sidecar also as his wife relayed to me he didn't immediately get out of bed to come and pick me up he decided to have a quick shower first because he wanted to be fresh as he fought these criminals in his words right so anyway he comes he picks me up 25 minutes later he's driving down the street he's got a brand new car okay i can't get in the front seat because it's so sporty it's quite a tight squeeze so we have to get the seat back we have to move a few things about so you're coming over top like uh overproved loaf in a bread thing like a beach ball in a bloody so you so the pair of you are in a smart car

filling a smart car because red's pretty bulky like he's, you know, he's shoulder wide. Yeah, I'm bigger than him, definitely. He can lie about having just been down the boxing gym quite easily. If you don't know what Red Richardson looks like, you can, guys, just go on Instagram and look for Red Richardson. And he is the first person you think of when you want a crime fighter on your side, all right? Anyway, the two of us are in the car.

He's talking about all the time he grew up in the area. So he's talking about like all the times he was robbed as a child. He was like, we, it happened to us like four times a month, you know, it was crazy times when I lived here. So I was like,

this is my guy. He's got experience. Of being robbed. Of being robbed. I'm really, I'm really, did he open up the glove compartment and there was like a weapon in there or something?

Because it sounds like he's like on a revenge mission now. And you've sort of, it's more like you're accompanying him on a revenge mission. We'll edit it around it, but were you tooled up? We were tooled up in the sense that the human body is a weapon if trained effectively. In that sense, we were both incredibly tooled up in the sense that the human body is a weapon if trained effectively. In that sense, we were both incredibly tooled up. I mean, Red had just lied about being at the gym, so.

Like, yeah, what else could he lie about? Red had lied about being to the gym the night before I'd had nuggets and a Big Mac. So we were ready to go. Is that the Stormzy meal? Nuggets and a Big Mac and a drink and you're like, yeah, yeah. That's also the Chris Cantrell mail, yeah. Anyway, so we're driving. It's not far away now.

And I tell him, it's this left turn here. Things go quiet in the car because we know. Yeah. A big gang stood on the car. We drive into the estate and he says, immediately he says, I think I just saw a small girl release a dove into the air with a message. Oh my God, you've driven into a John Woo film. We've driven into a John Woo film.

It's getting tense now. Trainers hanging off the telephone wire. Trainers hanging off the telephone wire. There's an empty sofa in the middle of a green patch of space. There's no one on it. There's no one on it. There's no one on it. Anyway, not a soul on the street at this point.

Everyone is scattered into their homes as the crime fighters approach. And I'm like, look, it says here on this tracker, the car's down this street. And he says, I don't think that's a street.

That looks like a paved walkway. And I said, no, no, no, it's definitely a street because there's cars parked further down. So we go up on this like very narrow road with like blocks either side of us. So there's no natural light.

And I say, it's showing just down there. And I couldn't see it. As we slowly went up there, I was like, oh, there it is. And it was, my car was just parked there in a car parking space. So not parallel parked, but with the nose pointing out into the street. Very neatly parked, better than I could have parked it with the window tucked in and i was like that's my car and so we we were sitting in the car i read was like all right let's go and get it and

i was like i will but you're currently parked blocking my car and can you move forward because i can't get out so i he had to edge forward slightly i got out it's very tight space very narrow space open my car with my key got in they'd ripped out loads of trim to look for the tracker turned out they ripped out everything from the boot as well so i just got in the car i tried to get out red was in his car just just scrolling instagram and getting in my way so i then had to make a call on bluetooth in my car which comes out quite loudly on the speakers yeah it rings very loudly a car very loudly as i read can you just slightly move forward because i can move so i can move my car out and he goes oh yes he puts his phone away then we just drive back to mine for a day yeah i'm just at the

gym we drive back to mine for a debrief and i called the police and i and i'm like and they're like yeah how can we help and i was like yeah i've recovered the car and they're like all right thank you very much i'll update that and i said not like what excuse me sir i'm just gonna put you on speaker all lads all lads at the pd start clapping yeah they're like come over we'll give you honorary badge and gun yeah yeah yeah anyway so Red and I are so riled up by the morning we're so

a lot of adrenaline going where have his parents where no we pick up his wife and we go somewhere called Terry's Cafe and have a full English breakfast yes

and that was a day oh wow so you your car was stolen and you stole it back wow that's absolutely rock and roll.

That is heavy metal. That's a full Guy Ritchie film. That should be a film, actually. It feels like it should be a film. Yeah. I mean, it's only really 20 minutes of the podcast done. We've still got half an episode left. There's a couple of, there are one or two follow-up questions.

So, what states are coming now? Do you need to get rid of it? Do you want to get rid of it now? It's been susceptible. It's,

God, I had to do so much research on it. The insurance company obviously will repair it, whatever needs repairing. And it turns out

that Lexus are aware of the issue and they're fitting trackers for free, like more, better trackers so that they can be found in shipping containers, which is where these cars eventually end up. So what they do is the people that steal it, park it up and they park it up. They don't park it up near the garages that they take it to, to strip it.

They park it up and leave it for a few days in case someone has got a tracker on it and they find it, which is what we did. And then they know where that person lives. Yeah, not where they live, obviously. And then the manufacturer now offers a bit of metal plating that they put in above the wheel arch

to stop people busting it and getting those wires. Oh! So it's all a case of fixing fixing what shouldn't should was a real vulnerability that manufacturers sort of let slide yeah and now it's like a machine and now so when you when it was on that aster it probably wasn't like actively being watched and you probably weren't directly that they just leave it for a few it's a numbers game yeah that's it they leave it for a few days and then come and collect it once they know that there's no tracker on it but i would have thought like that makes them very easy to catch because

if someone's car is stolen they've tracked it the police can be like all right we'll look after it from now on we'll get your car back but we'll keep an eye on this car and see if anyone comes and collects it but but the police aren't doing that, as we've discussed. Is it one of those things where they are working on it, but just secretly? Well, maybe they're working on it at a bigger level. And it's, do you know what? The individual theft of cars doesn't seem to register. As in, they're not putting a team on a car.

They're not. No, no, no, no. They're not going to check it. They advised you to go. They're not going to check it. They advised you to go. They advised you to get tooled. They advised Sunil to get tooled up and go into a, they said, go into this estate, but take a bit of bike chips, take a bit of bloodite, get a bike,

swing a bike chain around your head and use the power of your voice to debilitate any oncomers they specifically said before you go there cut the sleeves off your t-shirt first cut the sleeves off your t-shirt and get out there wielding something that's what they said but it's weird because and then i googled it i was and there's a daily mail article where they were it was a woman forced to collect to pick up her own car it was basically my model of car that police had told her to just go and pick it up. And this poor woman had to go,

she lived in Canary Wharf, I think, and had to go to an area she doesn't know. And she saw her car. It's quite scary if you go there. Was it just off the murder mile? It may be. But it's not. Hackney always,

Hackney, despite being in parts incredibly wealthy still strikes fear into people's heads if you're not from there i think it's i think it's because it's like it had a reputation which probably doesn't correlate to i'm sure there's still parts of it that are like obviously quite deprived and possibly dangerous but it's there's a lot of when you go up there is a hell of a lot of drug addicts there's a lot of deprivation but equally they're just walking around in streets with million pound flats in them it's weird that's london though and you don't you know geography no no distance between these two places they sort of live on top of each other well hey you're a hero you're a hero of the podcast i think you get a special because it does come into like a who's i don't know if i'd have done

that who's hardest on the podcast i don't know i think you'd have done that because the police were like yeah go get it if you want yeah i would have done it i didn't want to do that i wanted police to get it and if i'd have found someone. If I was there, if I was James, if I was there. Chris, this will live on forever. And if you're ever implicated in dealing out justice.

Someone's had their head punched and it's come fully off. In ten years time, if someone's head comes fully off because Chris punched them. Do you know what I mean? I punch them, head fully off. Meanwhile, about 40 minutes later, in France, in some cafe at the Champs-Élysées, what's that? They're eating mussels.

This is a lovely time. I'm so glad we came on holiday. Bang! Head lands on that table. Head come off it, land it. I punched it. Like John Wick in Paris. I punched this guy's head off I punched it I punched this guy's head off yeah

I punched this guy's head off all the way to Paris and if that comes James if that comes back to haunt me then so be it he's punched off and they don't know who it is Chris

all I'm saying if a head is punched off in Paris did the podcast really happen it's your job to delete so Sonal's tasted vigilanteism and as as a verbal

vigilante sort of crime fighter I'll tell you what it does feel it is exciting isn't it it gets the blood pumping doesn't it

tell you that for nothing it does seem a little bit more efficient than your Jim Cameron investigation well it's a bit more personal isn't it really mmm yeah and it is very immediate things will happen i didn't want to launch an investigation

i had the information yeah what do you mean what as in you didn't want you don't want to follow it up past this point oh with the gin can thing it's very much you need to get people organized you need to speed do some surveillance whereas with me it's it's there, I need to go and pick it up. Boom, go get it. This is the thing, isn't it? In a world where people let you down, you can only rely on yourself. We're doing log lines for it as well.

What are we calling the film? Yeah. Yeah, what are we calling this film? Because they've done Mr. Nobody. Is it Mr. Nobody or Nobody? Nobody. They've done Nobody. They. Is it Mr. Nobody or Nobody? Nobody. They've done Nobody. They've done Gone in 60 Seconds,

Taken, Taken 2, Sunil and Red Get the Car. For that bit of working title. So, James, have you ever stopped a crime? Because that's now two out of three of us on this podcast that have solved crimes. No, I don't think I have. You need to get to work. I i always i wanted to be batman but you two are more batman than me

the world's greatest detective but but you could do you honestly it's what we can do to give back to our communities solve solve low-level crimes i did did report that the new building estate down the road had marked yellow lines like five metres too far than they should have according to the plans. I did fill out a form on the Highways Agency website. You consulted the plans? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The traffic management order?

They'd submitted plans and stuff in order to build the estate. And one of the things, one of the things was how far up the road they could put double yellers. Sometimes you get the crime fighter. Well, I mean, as I say, I used to do that as a job and we were ever so grateful for people like you calling up. Sunil's crime fighting story is like grabbing a buddy and riding literally into hell where he could have died.

And yours is like, you know, like the click of getting your extended measuring tape out. I think you'll find this is one metre too long. Five metres? That's a car. You could put a stolen car. Is that away from the curb? No, no, too long on the street what

do you think they put really fat yellow like really really fat yeah they basically painted the street like wizard of oz i mean to be to be fair james that's your crime fighting it's not really a crime it's not even vigilantism because you didn't actively delete the line or anything, did you? Someone's put some masking tape up where it should have finished on the wall. And I did think... Nice one.

That'll go in the rain. But also what you've done is actually improve the quality of life for a lot of people by giving them one extra parking space on that street. Whereas what I've done is shown some criminals that real people will stand up

to them. And that's different. That's sort of similar. And I've shown the guy that was littering that restraint. I will show mercy. That's the thing. He doesn't even know unless he is a listener to the podcast he don't even know i've gone into his house at night and i've just i've just touched his face i've just touched his

face and said in 20 years time that head will be on the chanceliza hope you like moolah free I've got some countryside news just a little one this is a countryside bit there is a countryside bit

I stood in some slime oh what I went out for a little walk I was looking after a little dog went for a looking after a little dog.

Went for a walk with a little dog. And I saw like, it was a bit muddy, but I saw something that was like, I basically thought it was on a mud path. It was a bit of a bigger stone poking out of the mud

and everything was a bit muddy. Do you know what I mean? Like the shininess to it. I thought this is stone emerging from wood not like a river of mud but you know like a i was on a track like and then there was just this shiny bit coming out of it i thought it was the tip of a bit of stone that had got wet so but it caught my eye and i just like tested it with my shoe and it was slime like really thick viscous slime but not just mud like see-through but mud

colored because it was on mud and stuff so i studied through slime i stood in it and it was it like it almost it could have been the same consistency it's frog spawn but i don't believe it was frog spawn the only all i can think of it it's didn't get closer to it. I didn't smell it or anything like that. It freaked me out, just the sensation of it. All I can think of, I was in a field where it was a load of sheep. So I think it's come out of a sheep, but which end, I couldn't tell you. Afterbirth or something. How big a bit, how big?

The size of what sort of tennis ball? The size of a head. The size of a, circumference of a head. About the size of a circumference of a head. A small head? A small head, a normal head. Like jelly? What's sports ball? Because heads are all different sizes.

What's sports ball? Like a soft, do you know those footballs that are not, they're made out of like foamy... Yellow. Yellow, you know what you'd have for like dodgeball type balls. Indoor ball, yeah, yeah, yeah. The diameter of one of those. But the texture of a giant's spunk.

Of a giant's spunk, yeah. The mouth feel of a giant's spunk. Do you reckon it would have dried out at some point or was it permanently jelly-like? It feels like it had just been jelly forever. Like I said, it could have been, it felt like it was, like it had been, I don't think it was an afterbirth. I think it was because it was slime.

I think it was, it could have been closer to something that's come out of the front tent. Sick. I think it could have been sheep's bile in a... What, a ball of jelly? A ball of jelly. Do you know what? I'm going to go back and see whether it's still there.

Take a pic, take a vid. Also, can you check to see if jelly has been around since the beginning of time? Good point. Horse hooves have been around for a while. Jelly. But jelly feels like it would have been one of these, do you know, like with beer and stuff like that and bread,

it would have been one of the early foods. But it didn't really come into its own until Squirty Cream. No, but it feels like, do you know, they'd have had some mad king in the wilderness or some duke would have had over. Who does a dignitary visit him

from mainland Europe when they show the wares? What's this? Jelly. Like that. It feels like they would have had a table full of jelly. They did.

If you look at like old, quite old, like six, I don't know like old, quite old, like six, I don't know how old, 1600s cookbooks, there's a lot of savoury jellies. I think that's also Victorian-y things like,

what's aspic? That's the thing in, the lining in pork pies. Like suet. I didn't know for years that suet, I thought suet was like sort of doughy,

sweet thing, but it's actually like a sort of sheep stomach or something, isn't it't it is it i presumed it was some sort of fat yeah i didn't know that i was having that for for pudding suet balls you can get and can't you that's the way you see suet nowadays suet pie it's one of those things i do like a suet pie texture wise but it's one of those things that it just doesn't really it's been supplanted by the short crust short crust pastry as the vessel for a pie yeah makes sense though i'd much rather it does it does it's the same with custard custard's gone off menus i understand why it's well this

i've said this before but it's like custard not really being on menus anymore is the thing that gets me sounding most gb news do you know what i mean like i'm absolutely livid that you don't get custard anymore because it honestly feels like this is my culture custard a sponge cake a sponge cake i haven't had one of those for years but operationally i understand custard is extra chef processes it It's heating up. It's making it, even if it comes out of a tin, it's an extra job for the chef. It's non-Newtonian physics as well, isn't it?

It's freaking everyone out. What does that mean? If you hit it, it's hard. If you push it softly, it's soft. What, custard? You know what's in that thing where someone filled a swimming pool with custard, you can run across it. If you stand still, you sink.

Oh, yes, yes. Maybe that's... I think we've got a name for your film, though, Chris. It's called Slime Forever. I don't know, maybe your one is, if you stand still, you sink. Yeah, like a metaphor for collecting your Lexus. There we go. Should we do a letter?

Oh, can I give you my little bit of Nintendo Switch 2 news? They released a bunch of days where you could, tickets for days where you could go and test it out. Yes, but I decided not to do that because I couldn't quite, as much as it'd be a free event, like the cost and time of getting to London were too much and I figured I'd watch it on a stream that afternoon. But have you got one?

Why don't you just ask me? Oh, shut up. You are going to the Nintendo Switch 2 event. Yes. In April. It's like Easter holidays. Oh, that's so cool. I've been talking about the Nintendo Switch 2 a lot.

My friend basically says, it was a very computer game. He's the one who got me on, who gave me the back door with Kirby. He's like saying, basically, as soon as Nintendo comes out, there is a 2.5 year counter until they released the souped up version. Which in the last one was the OLED model, which I've got.

I can't believe you're going to have to do a live, you're going to have to take some sort of, do some sort of recording while you're at the Switch event. I'm pretty, pretty sure they'll be pretty tight on that. But yeah. Yeah, but literally it's a press event. And this is, James, this podcast is your press pass.

You get to interview the head of Nintendo, some of those other lads knocking around. You have to have a GoPro strapped to your forehead as well. Cool. Well, always do. Maybe I'll turn it on this time. No. It's a very old one. It's only got 20 minutes worth of so are you going on your own you've got a ticket to go on your own no whole fam oh yeah okay good yeah you're taking that you're taking the lads yeah that's very cool i don't know i don't know

i don't know what sort of a day it will be as in i suspect it'll be very busy and maybe you'll only get a tiny bit of time on it but it is ticketed but they were like do you think they'll give us a nintendo switch 2 for free no but you'll be buying them one don't worry we might get a sticker but even that feels like a little bit much you might get access to the opportunity to spend a load of money with them earlier or something like that. Yeah. That has not been released yet. The 2nd of April is the next Nintendo Direct,

which is their press events where they do their announcements. Now, confirmed. I suspect what we'll get is a big couple of game announcements and maybe a release date, which I suspect is going to be maybe between August and October in time for Christmas. September, you could say. Yes.

Hey, hey, hey. I think it will be September, and that is peak my children's birthdays period. So that's that sorted. It's also the perfect time for Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it? So the early adopters have got it and everyone's seen one by christmas and then any restocking that needs to

happen it's going to be what's it going to be mario kart 9 that's in the video that already came out and word is course builder oh on mario kart that's interesting. And probably a Mario Maker 3 before too long. And how much is this unit supposed to cost? About 300 quid, is it? Rumour mills, rumour mills. 300 quid was the original one. Some people think this is going to get near a 400. And how many do you have to buy for the family?

One or two or three? We've got one early on and then we got, I got a light for the commute. Can I tell you what we've got? If you go down to James, can we do the one that's called a tale of two halves? Yeah. Is that a letter?

Yes. It's two letters back to back. It's the one that we talked about, which doesn't know about yet. So could you, so we had an email off somebody who got in touch. Probably redact the name. Just give him a different name.

Dear Rural Concerns, I was recently recommended your podcast by Spotify, and after listening to three episodes, I couldn't help but notice that there's no mention of science fiction or horror content at all. As someone who loves both genres and whose subscriptions mainly revolve around them, I'm a bit puzzled as to why Spotify thought I'd enjoy three men in their 40s discussing

topics outside of these themes. I was also curious about the artwork you've chosen for your podcast. Why did you go with a Hammer Horror style? It gave me the impression that the content would align with those genres. That said, I'm enjoying the show and will continue to listen, hoping a bit of science fiction or horror might pop up soon thanks so right so this is a this is an email that came in i didn't show you this one i just sent it to james because it was like it's the first one we've had where the tone is most of its people tell it has been still like actively engaging with the content of the podcast

and keen to tell us about the countryside or something like that. Whereas this is the first one where there's like, this isn't a very perfect, tonally, there's a criticism in there perhaps, or they're just not sure about us or the podcast. So I was talking about it with James and my general view is that if people are taking the time to get in touch then they need to be acknowledged whether it's through responding directly or through mentioning it on the pod i'm gonna look up our whatsapp conversation i'm and the way i'm gonna find that is by searching the phrase don't go boots in yeah because this is james told me to this is this is, James told me to, this is highlights more of a fractious,

a fractious turn within the back of house running of this podcast, which is that James told me not to go boots in on him. And I said, no, I won't. Oh, he's taking the time to contact us. So everybody's entire, I would say is entitled to a response because it means a lot when people, also, it's very good to hear things that people people don't look like it's good to get feedback and stuff and feedback doesn't have

to be good it's if you're actively trying to think of ways to make it better so then but then james said a second time don't go boots in again and i said james that's very patronising. To which I replied, don't go boots in on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it was too. And then I said, save it for this lad. But I think it was, but then it, yeah, then James was panicked because I was going straight after James then. So then James tried to get me back on the lad.

But I was like, James, I'm not some maniac maverick. I'm actually very... So then what I did was I spent about... There's just going to be a bunch of cafes in front. Bang, bang. They're going to have to put open umbrellas. Did I make that right? We're going to have to reinforce these umbrellas.

Did you? we're going to have to reinforce these umbrellas but then i so so i spent two hours constructing what i think is the most even-handed response possible which oh that's your oh here it is yeah oh no you read it so no no you read it in chris's voice hello hope you're well no no no no, no, no, no. This is not. This is the emergency episode. Hello. Like, let me tell you the tone. Hello. Hope you're well.

Thank you for listening and reaching out. Is this what you think your voice sounds like, by the way? It's always great to get feedback on the pod. We aren't really in a position

to speak on behalf of Spotify's algorithm and cannot offer any insight into why it pointed you in our direction. You sound like an automated message. Rural Concerns is listed as a comedy podcast, which jokingly laughs at life in the countryside. In terms of our artwork, we never set out to achieve an overly horror look, but we did want to give it a splash of high fantasy,

which is a theme we frequently come back to in our chats and in our choose, decide, and in our decide your own destiny adventure episodes. Thank you very much. I've just realised that you have used the other name for that in written terms. Thank you for contacting us and good luck finding the right podcast for you. All the best, Chris Jamesames sunil i'd like to

remove myself from that yeah i didn't realize that but i don't know if that was on the screen grab you sent me right okay well that's quite an even-handed response that's quite i i'm very proud of that response i think it's a very takes it on the chin but also draws a line and the line is that i will not explain what I particularly, but like, right. Although this has set off something in just wanting to, I think it set up a bit of an internal conversation with me and James about

like, whether we need to tweak this or that. And also I went on the podcast and then I clicked on the tab on Spotify that says more things like this. And those things, none of those things are comedy shows. They're like weird, not weird, but like, they're like high fantasy, you know, like D&D live type things.

So yeah, maybe some tweaking needs to be done somewhere. Well, I mean, maybe not though. I mean, it is. But yeah, do you want to read? But then this person responded to my response. Read that, Sunil. Dear Chris, I now believe it was fate that brought me to your podcast. do you want to read but then but then this person responded to my response read that son out dear Chris I now believe

it was fate that brought me to your podcast as someone who moved to rural Leicestershire from London 10 years ago I'm still none the wiser

on how things are done in the countryside well it seems like he's the perfect okay I'm now an avid listener of rural concerns and love what you do

including Icklewick FM thank you for expanding my interests well obviously it was aimed at him because he lives in the countryside. Now that is a 180. That's a metaphorical, knocking his head off his shoulders, going up in the air and popping back down

on his shoulders again. I'm going, actually, no, you're right. And him saying, thank you. It's the head landing in the bowl of mussels and going, actually, no, you're right. And him saying, thank you. It's the head landing in the bowl of mussels and going, actually, I needed that. I feel a lot better now. So if anybody has any feedback at all about us, we are open.

Our arms are open and we are ready. Our arms are open, but you wouldn't believe the disarray it causes behind the scenes. But please keep it coming. Please keep it coming please keep it coming it's it's fun and one time if you if you send enough emails like that one time chris will snap and go boots in i will not go boots in i would not give james the satisfaction of going boots in james we need to start two-factor authentication on the email login

so what so so when i'm responding one of you one of you needs to send me the passcode yeah yeah which in point these are the sort of checks and balances that we need with a nuclear yeah chris now has the code and the nuclear football or whatever it is we should you should guys should have been ahead of it. But it's our names on the missile. Our names are on the missile. That's the last thing they say on the number of missiles coming tomorrow.

Love from Chris James O'Sunnell. I hope this missile finds you well. Thank you for listening to this episode of Rural Concerns. We appreciate you giving us some of your most precious resource, time. And if you'd like to support us further, please consider telling someone about Rural Concerns in person or via a five-star review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Here's one of our most recent reviews from Apple Podcasts.

An education in urban to rural lifestyle transitions. Had this podcast been around 20 years ago, it might've taught me what to expect when moving on a whim from a city in the Northwest of England to a village in the countryside where I now live as a middle-aged male incomer. But I still knew not to moan about noisy chickens or the nearby allotments or the church bells on sundays i'm presuming that's a five stars right yeah yeah yeah this has to be five stars and if you have a rural concern you can email us at christopher at a lovely time.co.uk and we also have a patreon for people who want to go the extra mile and for a few quid a month you'll get bonus episodes plus you get access to a discord

group and most recently we did a live show and we put this brand new Decide Your Own Destiny countryside simulation adventure on there and that's sitting on there exclusively for the Patreons.

Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph Arpanet Burrows our music is by Sam O'Leary and our artwork is by Poppy Hilstead. Rural Concerns is produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. is by Poppy Hilstead. Rural Concerns is produced by Egg Mountain for a lovely time productions. We have to,

I'll give a bit of a personal information. My, the last digit of my national insurance number is the letter A, which means in event of a national emergency, I am the first one to be called up for the draft. No, that's not right.

That's what the letters mean on it. It does mean that, but only if you're under a certain age. You're well beyond conscription age. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It'll be, I'll be like that, you know, like that. That Dad's Army, you know, from Dad's Army. What are they going to call you up for? Computers?

They're going to call you up to build a PC for them. I don't know how to build a PC. Oh yeah, good point. I'll be that, you know that guy with the little, the Dad's Army guy. There's like a youngish one

who's got a little moustache and he's got... Oh, the spiv, yeah. He's got out of it, he's like smoking a little licorice cigarette, selling mate and stuff like that.

That's what I'd do at the war. But if you, if there is a war and you went, do you want all these young lads? And you're like, no, I want the bloke who punched a guy's head off to France.

On the way to France. Actually, the last letter of my national insurance number is B. Yeah, see you later. See you later. Oh, James and Chris straight up to war, front line. So me and you on the front line,

son of a house, it's all mopped up. It can't be that blunt selection method, surely. How did they do that? Did they have a look when they were about to give out national insurance

to these 15-year-olds and be like, yeah, he looks like he could punch a guy's head off all the way to France. All the way to France. He's punching the head towards France.

Yeah, sorry, that was the thing. 40 minutes late. It happened in England, the incident, but 40 minutes late it happened in England the incident but 40 minutes later the head lands on the Champolize on a little

outside of a cafe so you're punching that head up into the air the air is very it's going it's going up you're on a plane

all the way to the plane boom straight into Mowgli 3 bong like that