Rural Concerns - Pianos, Christmas markets & TikTokers

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

Chris has made a new friend, Sunil doesn’t understand car insurance and James gets a telling off. Plus, the boys also discuss what tattoos they’ll get.   Chris’ debut tour kicks off in February. Get your tickets, here!   Drop us an email at [e-mail] if you have a Rural Concern you’d like discussed! The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than five quids you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Click here to start supporting Rural Concerns today!   Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and the music is by Sam O’Leary. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Welcome to Rural Concerns, a podcast about countryside affairs and inner-city vape shops. I'm Chris Cantrell and I live in a rural community. I'm Sunil Patel and I live in a high rise flat in London. I'm producer James and I live in a well-to-do cul-de-sac because my wife works very hard. Big shout out to the wives keeping this whole shebang going. Right James. Yeah. Sorry for my tone that was quite a forceful tone I've had a bad week. That's all right you warned us you were coming in hot. I'm coming in hot today.

I'm excited. I've got, we're doing a tight record because I'm doing a village pub quiz with my friend. I have an official friend called Dave. How do I know he's my friend? I'm drawing him a leek tattoo design. James, can you turn down Chris's volume a bit? No, no.

So no, this is just a normal adult man volume. This is what adult men talk like. I've turned it down on my mic. So this is just you. Yeah, I'm saying for me, I've got you loud and James normal. I am shouting though. I do have to acknowledge that.

He is shouting. He is clearly shouting. Can you turn your mic down then if you're going to shout? I'm not going to shout. I'm not. Okay. You are though. You are shouting.

I didn't want to take the wind out of your sails, but you did come in really hot there. Oh, this setting adjusts how loudly others hear name redacted. It only affects the live call and not the recording. Yes, I can turn him down to nil. Do you know what I need to do? I think what I've done on my mic is turn you two down. Do you know what I need to do?

I need to read the settings for this mic. I need to watch a YouTube video. That's it. I won't do it, though. I won't do it. Who's your new mate? Dave. Come on, you've made that up.

Yeah, that's a made-up name. Do we not know him because he goes to a different school? He goes to a different school. He's from Canada. He's a made-up note do we not know him because he goes to a different school he goes to a different school he's from canada he's a model he's a model in canada no he dyes textiles why it's because someone needs to otherwise you're just getting a plain beige colored cloth do you know what i mean right yeah okay that's a good point so he's like a textiles worker. His wife is like also Northern Irish, like my wife, which is like there's a lot of, like there's enough, there's a percentage of Irish people in this village that is high. What are you drinking there, Chris?

Is that a stout or iced coffee? Well, when we're recording this, it's Friday night. I've got a quiz looming. This, I've been gigging all week. I've been away. This is a gentleman's Friday night Guinness. Do you know why? And apparently they're rationing Guinness in the UK

because the bloody TikTokers. Is that an accent? Was that an accent or is that your voice? That's my actual voice. Okay. The bloody TikTokers. What is that? That's my voice. The bloody TikTokers. What is that? That's my voice.

The bloody TikTokers. They've got on to Guinness. They've just discovered it. And they're doing that thing where they split the G. Yeah, what is that? What is split the G? I don't know. You have to drink it in one.

Do you know what I mean? Right. I think it is. I'm not going to research it because that will kill the vibe. And this is a vibes-based podcast. And you don't want to give any more likes to those bloody TikTokers. Those bloody TikTokers. You've got a pint of Guinness and it's got the Guinness logo on.

And apparently it's like a challenge to drink enough Guinness in one mouthful to get the Guinness line within the G on on the glass and it's called splitting the g right a couple of big gulps then no like as in it has to be like one that's why it's a bit of a challenge so you raise it to your lips and you can't bring it down when you bring it down it has to split the g it has to split the g that's it so that's why it's become this thing apparently it's become so big with these guys, the Tooth Tuckers, which means that they're rationing it into the UK because the sales are going too mad.

It's terrible news for bar people as well because when I worked in a bar, if loads of people ordered a Guinness, I'd be fucked. I'd be absolutely fucked. Yeah, it feels like on a busy day, you don't want to take the piss, but... Yeah.

I mean, we only had one or two taps of Guinness. It's like it's a busy, normal-ish bar and people ask for a cocktail, like, come on. Only if we've got it on tap. This is not mojito season. Have you seen the espresso martini on tap? In Witherspoons. Yeah.

I had a day in a Witherspoons the other day. Lovely. Table service, any drink you want. Are we talking, are we talking the full, are we talking a 10 o'clock photo about... Expressing martini at 10. That was a challenge that was mooted back when... Do you remember Glenn Moore was doing these day-long challenges

of watching Fast and Furious all day? This has a whiff of a pandemic having a tough time in lockdown. It was before that. It was before that. But yeah, we did moot an entire 10 till 10 stint in Wetherspoons, a 12 hour stint, breakfast, lunch, dinner. When we went out to Wetherspoons for Amy's birthday, when I was down and we were in Wetherspoons,

and she did that thing where she put on the table number of where we were. And basically people started ordering stuff to the table it lasted 15 minutes until a staff member came up and said please don't tell me you've put the number on social media yeah and then we went no no she deleted it straight away but you know up until that point we had like a big plate of onion rings which was okay and like a single boiled egg and you're like well no no that's not like the egg but you could see the look in the face when they were like miserable was it due to protein gains so no yeah for me i was like it's 10 30 p.m on a sunday night need to get that protein in me it's all about the gains that sounded more sexual than it needed to be so but chris can't we harness the power of these bloody

tiktokers can't we do a thing where it's like, listen to the podcast. You've got to listen to the podcast. On TikTok, it's getting banned anyway, I thought, isn't it? I'd rather that than they struggle with it. I'd rather it was banned for everybody. Can they ban the stuff I don't understand, please? Yeah, I have no idea where to start with it. Let's just get it off the table.

Feels like that's a slippery slope. I've just, I've started it. I've got blue sky i've got friends i don't understand what's happening on either of them i just put stuff on absolutely also can you ban like car insurance as well because i don't get that either i don't understand that car insurance i can't think of well there's a lot of stuff i find confusing I've got a pension well done late in the game he's you can tell he's had a Guinness can't you

he's had half a Guinness I've had I haven't even I haven't even split the G I've had two sips it's also in a tumbler it's not even in a pint glass we don't have pint glasses

but what we do have is two new carpets in the living room tell us everything what colour pink thickness right the one in the living room. Tell us everything. What colour? Pink? Thickness. Right. The one in the living room, we've sort of gone whole

hog, as in we've got expensive underlay, and it's sort of like 80-20, but it's not 80-20. It's like a heavy-duty, high-footfall-type wool little weave type thing. Like you would get in a hotel almost

how many at how many points during the order process did you want them to ban carpets what do you mean i already don't understand what you're talking about 80 20 sounds like a rug that's a blend i think of the type of i to be honest with you, this is a time of year where I'm largely not present in the household. Mentally, I'm checked out. I'm doing my radio series and I need to be left to write little sketches. So Nicola is largely doing a lot of the house stuff. I crucially, as discussed last time, have paid for the carpet and I thought that I'd let me off the hook.

So she sorted it all out. So the carpet, I haven't been here for it being, I just come home to it. And then my reaction to it went as, I think she wanted me in tears. You know, tears of wonder. Did she film your reaction for TikTok? Middle-aged man cries at carpet. Splits his G. Middle-aged homeless man cries at carpet. Splits his G. Middle-aged homeless man given new carpet.

She's also sorted out the arrival of the piano. Ooh. And I need to pick my words very carefully in this section because we had a big bust up a few weeks back, which involved the phrase, you hate the piano. Whose piano is it? And which one of you play piano? It's Nicola's piano. This was a, this was a height of lockdown thing. This was a lockdown madness. And then basically we had this piano, it was in this B&B where we were staying for like months,

but then we couldn't move it. And basically the B&b became a b&b again so the piano was like held hostage by the guests of the b&b you know and we had nowhere to put it because we're in this barn did they have a non-stop knees up yeah so it became yeah you'd hear them banging it and stuff and you'd hear it overnight you'd think it would finish and you'd go to get in there and ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Like a little tinkery, you know, like a man in a saloon. Is it a proper piano?

Is it electric? Proper piano. Needs tuning now. So the piano was sorted out today. The piano's in the house. And I was like getting in front of it and the cynicism that's been leveled at me. I was like, yay,

the piano's here. It does sound like you hate the piano. No, no, I don't hate the piano. Just don't understand it and want it banned. By the sounds of it, you need to fill that house with stuff. You've got a lot of space. Well, as I'm adding stuff now, I'm recording this. I've recorded the last few

shows here. Suddenly we've got carpet. Suddenly there's a bit less bounce to it. There is, isn't there? Yeah. This is it. So like we talked about before, this is marginal games. Every episode, every time, it's like filling up and eventually the attic of this house

is going to be basically a little semi soundproofed studio which is going to be crystal clear. Crystal clear. Semi soundproof. Well, it's like basically it's in the attic next to the roof. So as much as you soundproof it, we'll be victim to the elements in terms of the wind and stuff.

You can't fully take that stuff out in that environment. It's like if you had a submarine that was semi watertight, it either is or it isn't. You know what I mean? But it'll mostly be much better because it'll cushion it. Do you know what I mean? Mostly much better.

I do take that point. I do take that point. Let me wrap up one more bit of countryside business and circle back on Dave. Oh yeah, your friend. I've got some more questions on this anyway.

Dave, my friend. he's my new friend. What's his trade? He's not a tradesman. He's a textile dyer. And you didn't employ him to dye your textiles? He does that there, does he, in the village? No, he does it in a factory somewhere. He does that and he works in this factory where his wife works

who designs, she's like a designer of textile patterns and they live over the road. So we just started chatting. But now we started, Dave, we're in a WhatsApp group called the Leak Club because we've committed to growing leeks. I did want to also follow up on leek statuses. You would be shocked how little chat there is about leeks

in the Leak Club WhatsApp group. It's very non-leek focused. What's the picture? The picture of a leek.app group it's very non-leak focused what's the picture picture of a leak and then the chat is non-leak stuff chat slacking people off and having a laugh and that classic encrypted lads bants chat it should just be called rural concerns just to know i'm bringing him in but he's but he. But he's got loads of tattoos. So he's getting a, basically he's got an arm that he's filling with little pictures and stuff. Like he's got, his daughter's done one. He's got like one from different people.

Do you know what I mean? He's like filling his arm out. So he was like, basically I've been invited to draw, because Nicola was like, oh, Chris does loads of drawings. So he was like, could you draw me a leech? No, no,

no, no, no, no, not your drawings. No. It's not going to have six tits. I don't know.

I wouldn't, I've never done that. So this is, this is saying a lot of people are talking about this now and asking me. You've drawn it already though, haven't you? You've drawn a six titted leech. You've done it already on already though, haven't you? You've drawn a six-titted leak. No!

You've done it already on paper somewhere, haven't you? Has it got a face or just the tits? I don't know. This is what I need to figure out.

Is it where the leaves come down? You know, they sort of come down in a V. Is it like pulling it open to reveal it's six tits? Why can't you do a nice sort of countryside scene

like a Turner or something like that? We sort of bonded by the League Club, of which we've done no work yet. So I was like, one, I said, I'll do it. But one, we have to do some League stuff. We have to do this. Two, I said, we can't fall out.

If he's got a tattoo that I've drawn. You're bonded for life. And that's like, that'd be a shame to fall out in a bitter boundary dispute once a few years down the line. But shouldn't you also get a tattoo to make sure the bond is strong rather than one-sided? I don't know.

I'm unadorned. I don't have any tattoos. Yeah, but you may as well start now. Have you got a tattoo, Sonal? No, I've got no tattoos. James? No. Are we three untattooed boys?

Nontattooed boys. non-tattooed boys non-tattooed boys non-tattooed boys I used to have a bit when I used to do stand-up about it but mostly it genuinely it's because I don't believe in my own

taste enough to have a tattoo yeah too faddy I think it has to be I've got like it'd be nice to get

something done for something that is important to you, but it's hard isn't it? There's something that you might forget enough that you need to have it written down on you. So it's quite important, but you could,

there's a chance you'll forget it. No, because people do their kids names, don't they? Just in case. I don't know how to change the password on the wifi router. Well, it's not memento,

is it? You don't need the tattoo to remember stuff. So why are you doing it? Just for a laugh, isn't it? Have an eight-tiered leak on you. And then people would be like, what is it? You don't need a tattoo to remember stuff. So why are you doing it? Just for a laugh isn't it? Have an eight-titted leak on you. And then people would be like what is that? All down your bod just six more tits on

your body. I get a Volvo V70 across my chest. The engine schematic did I know? The inside of the Hayes manual like memento style catalytic converter. Did I know? Yeah. The inside of the Hayes manual. Yeah. Like memento style. Catalytic converter.

So what have you two been up to? Well, James hasn't really noticed, has he? I have. You have noticed. What have you noticed? Well, Sunil tends to have the lower part of his face right down at the bottom of the thing, but he's really trimmed his beard right back. What number are we talking here?

That's numbered now. It used to just be, like, the numbers would have been centimetres before. Yeah, this is a three, I think. Yeah, so this is the first time I've seen bare skin on my chin since 2012, I think. It's a bit concerning how I forgot I didn't really have a chin. You do. Yeah, but it's not. There you go.

There's a point. I had like a ball. What are you talking about? Look. There's nothing wrong with symmetry. And the human brain is like, the human brain responds well to something that is perfectly symmetrical. Normally it's left, right symmetry, isn't it?

You've got Norbert's southern hemisphere symmetry. I've also been on holiday to Vienna and Porto. One, two, three. Holiday report. So, just been busy, you know? That is busy.

Two places. Christmas markets in Vienna, port distilleries in porto they've been drinking a lot these sound like fact-finding missions yeah what facts am i finding though we're just like you're going around porto making places like i think the christmas markets are a very germanic thing they're going to be coming like austria's got to be like the origin oh yeah i never knew they were here recently i it's like halloween i don't really buy into it no apparently my my so bath where i'm going to be at christmas has got one and it's apparently really famous i don't remember

it being around when i was a kid but it's just no this new thing they used to have them in when i lived in manchester dreadful whereabouts in manchester was it all over they it's like a famously huge christmas market it takes over the entire city center my casual observance of it is that it's an influx of traders that basically it would look like people it would look like it brings people to the area but what i highly suspect is happening is that it takes from independent traders that would be in manchester and basically it always looks like a little wank to me you know like you know like these wooden there's always like a start you've got glue vine four pound a little tiny thimble full plus three pound for glass deposit you got

that going on you've got like all this like tat, you've got like wooden, you know, like garden furniture. And it's always a bit with like garden furniture and it just sucks. They're selling garden furniture in December. Yeah. They're selling like wooden chairs.

There's always a guy that's selling like wooden chairs. But what I don't think we get in here is, it seems like a big industry masquerading as individual stallholders i don't know how to describe it more than that yeah the vienna ones they're vetted and they're like they have to go through a selection process and it all has to be like made by them it can't just be like imported tat did you buy anything yes i bought um some glue vines a number of them case battling like it's full of quids and I got a Christmas decoration of Santa

on some skis that cost me I mean I didn't really understand the figures there but it was too much did he have a does he have a doobie he didn't have a doobie

but I could easily get one and put it in his mouth yeah I think you should yeah alright but yeah that was my those my holiday facts

do you want to know where you should go on holiday yeah give us give us some give us some recommendations porto very good very cheap as well they did a lovely hotel it's also got i didn't manage to go but it's got possibly i've seen the photos the most beautiful mcdonald's i've ever seen stained glass and all that and mirrors and work okay i also had a big sandwich that afterwards I had to it was in the afternoon

but I had to go home to the hotel turn the air conditioning on and take my trousers off and that was recently that was recently it was quite warm though it was about 20 degrees

but the sandwich 2000 calorie sandwich alright we're talking bread three types of meat cheese and gravy and gravy

baguette no two slices of thick bread two slices of thick bread. Two slices of thick bread and it's 2,000 counts. Anyway, that's my holiday report. Good holiday report. Do we need a sting for? Should we go back and have put in a sting for holiday report?

So, Noel, after three, can you say holiday report? One, two, three. Holiday report. Yeah, there you go. He's got enough to work with. You bumped the mic a little bit. I bumped the mic, but you can isolate my audio and just have him say it.

Just put them on. Just have you go one, two, three, bonk. That reminds me of where I remember going on a holiday to Skiathos for seven days with my mates. And my mate Dan drank so much one day that he was out of commission for the entire following day from dusk until dawn at that age was him we're in his 20s but he has he's a lovely lad i think he's got like an overactive thyroid or something like that you know but he it really knocked him out he Did he go to Big Net?

Fibroid. Has he got drops? Is he from Victorian type? There's something going on with him where he can't, like it hit him, he's only literally hit him like a truck on a seven day holiday to lose one full day. I remember thinking, you bloody idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was there to see in the daytime? Nothing. It was this Greek island. So it was just Greek stuff but they're very nice. I've always wanted to go back ever since. It was like

as a younger man What is Greek stuff? What's Greek stuff? Right. Nice clear water beet cheese what's going on there? Some olives.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But it's like a nice little touristy. It's one of the Greek islands. And I loved it. And as a younger man, I think I wasn't necessarily built for holidays because I can't relax properly, you know, just sitting.

But as I've got older and life's got more hectic, I've definitely now a holiday where I could sit on my ass and read a book for 10 days is now like a kind of, like sort of Nirvana style, heaven Valhalla situation of like, this is what I want of the perfect holiday. And that won't happen for a while

because I have a little boy and the little boy needs to go and do little, like we need to go do family stuff, but just sitting and you're like, that's something to look forward to. But I think as a younger man, am I out pounding the tiles? What else was I going to say?

Well, we've got the big news of your Soho run, your successful second Soho run. Yes. I've had a great time. We both separately met your mother. Let's circle back. I'm having a great time. It's good to be home for me i've been away a lot

i was saying to my wife i've been doing my radio show i've been doing that it's like kind of like a very very intense but a very special time of year and i'm like i said to my wife like i'm like just for one week like somebody that's people listen to in that room for that week. And I come home and obviously instantly disrespected by my son. Instantly. Have you Googled how to get your son to respect you? No, but I think the answer is like probably raising my voice. No, it's probably just like fighting, physical prowess, stuff like that. No no it's not this this isn't the answer the answer is cuddles and stuff and the answer is being a force of just pure benign love no matter

how badly he decides to treat me okay i'm gonna do it now i'm gonna do it now how to get sun to respect Chris. Oh, that was a little face there, Chris. Truly great kid, but zero respect for me most of the time. Doesn't listen to what I say. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Is this Chris's Twitter?

No, this is Reddit. I immediately went to Reddit, obviously, because Google's not, yeah. I heard a thing that was in passing on another podcast that was basically saying the internet doesn't work. Like it doesn't work like it used to do. When you search for things, you used to get information, relevant searches. Now you don't.

So basically the guy who was listening to was saying that there's an ascendancy of Reddit because it is the closest thing that you will get to people discussing a topic and providing solutions. This is it. I've got it here. So it's always, it's always quite high up on the list and people of our age will more frequently go in there. Well, I was just going to say,

Chris, that podcast might have been an episode of Lawmen podcast, my other podcast that Sunil guested on the other day, because we had that very conversation. It's probably going to be in the extras, to be honest. Can you tell me what he did? Did he promote anything while it was on there? Did he promote this one?

No, no, absolutely. He refused to. I had to bring it up myself. That's not true. In his introduction, I was like, he's on other podcasts. What are we going to do? And he was like, I don't like to talk about them. What are we going to do?

Are we going to fall out with him about it? No. Did it get promoted or didn't it? It did get promoted. There was promotion was made. Right. First of all, respect yourself. Okay.

Next, stop being passive. Do not repeat yourself 10 times. Say it, mean it, enforce it. Your son's choices have consequences and they are immediate. If he does not do what he is asked in an appropriate manner and amount of time he is choosing a consequence for making the choice to not follow your instructions i'm all about consequences do you know i mean put your shoes away doesn't do it instantly microwave the nintendo switch do you know what i mean

worryingly snow used your voice that you use for them 38 rules guy. Yeah, same vibe. You just feel serious. Like when someone does it in bullet points, you're like, yeah, that makes sense. Tonally, yeah. Become a detective of the bedtime. Let's double back on, obviously, you both came to my Soho show different days. I don't know whether there's a rift going on.

I was unavailable. Good to see you both. Very good to see you both came to my solo show different days I don't know whether there's a rift going on I was unavailable good to see you both very good to see you both those after show bits are sort of not a nightmare you just have to it's like a wedding

where everyone's there to see you and stuff so you have to like do you know what I mean I have to navigate a guy that I did open mic comedy with hello

not you not you another guy a guy I did open mic comedy with with a group of people that I used to work with 15 years ago. And you're like, that's just a tough conversation to navigate,

to wrangle, to be the, do you know what I mean? Because then I'm having to explain all the backstories and stuff like that of who's who. So it's just intent. Spencer Jones said to me what he called it, the show after the show. That's always stuck with me.

Did you also have to explain the finances behind doing comedy no you don't want to do no no i don't do that because people don't need to know that do you know i mean nobody wants to see nobody wants to see the umpire umpires in the staff canteen that's my take on it because you don't want to see him sad arguing about the pay stubs do you like you have to be like to the public percent if and if comedians talk about gigging and the metrics of it and the money of it you just i don't want to say that you everybody in the audience wants you to be happy and successful at this job for what you're doing anything that deviates from that i

think fundamentally they find it quite boring as you would do with back of house admin yeah yeah yeah and yet we made a feature of it on this podcast that's why we are different we're rule breakers we're rule breakers and we know as audience but we took it to me your mum separately yeah you did and she separately told us some things about the podcast yes i did not realise they're listening. Hello. Hello. She listens. This is the only way she gets any information out to me about my life.

I think we all know each other. Well, they certainly feel they know me a lot more now that I just spill my... But my mum doesn't like when we talk. I don't know. It sort of has the air of an interrogation a lot of the time. Do you know what I mean? I don't see her for two weeks and then she'll show up. I'm on than that.

And she'll show up and what I'll get is like a gatling gun of questions. Do you know what I mean? And it does sort of eventually beat you into submission into yes or no answers. I did get. Have you sorted this out? Yes. Have you done that? No, not yet, but we're going to do it soon.

I got a bollocking about, call it referring to Bradford as a suburb of Leeds. Yes. Have you done that? No, not yet, but we're going to do it soon. I got a bollocking about, call it referring to Bradford as a suburb of Leeds. Yeah. And I didn't stop. Yeah. Yeah. She was like,

I need to, she showed up in London, middle of London. She's like, is he here? I need to chat with him. And I went, he's just,

yeah, he's just at bar or something like that. And she's like, right. And then she also ended up chatting to a television's Rosie Jones

for ages on the night after. And then after she was like, Rosie's a big fan of you and a big fan of Amy. Maybe not so much of you two. Maybe not so much of you together. I was like, I don't know whether we needed that bit. She told me to stop you from ranting on this podcast. What does that mean?

Well, you tell me. I've created a safe space for me to stop you from ranting on this podcast. What does that mean? Well, you tell me. I've created a safe space for me to go on. You're raising your voice again. I can only tear you down for us not on the recording. I have. I'm trying to keep a lid on it. I've created a safe space for me to go on a 35-minute rant about rural taxi drivers and people have responded to him over.

It was nice. It is lovely to see him. It is lovely to see him. Every minute is precious. That's the official line. No, it was. It was great. I tell you what, they're just, they're easy.

We've been doing this for so long. And because I used to live in London, they're not easy looked after. They're busy. Do you know i mean they're like and we're going here we're going there and then we sort of see him for a bit later and then i'm like i'm doing this in the day maybe meet at this time like that sort of thing so yeah largely largely stress-free but she was there she she said something really nice not really nice

but like because like doing my tour and stuff like that which is which is going very well like we've sold out leeds manchester bristol's very good but i'm saying like some of smaller places and stuff like this it's like basically if you like you've sold like because she's done it all and i would she would be like a very do very big tours but when she does small rooms there might like just basically a mindset shift of like oh there's only 30 people here that when she would normally be oh you know like heart sink but it's like no no no there's 30 people who paid money to come and see you and she also said that what she will often do when she starts a gig is find the person who's loving it and then perform it directly to them.

And I don't think that's some mad revelation, but it is an interesting mindset shift to what I think most comedians do, which is find the person that's got their arms folded and not necessarily enjoying it and zoning on them. Try and break them, yeah. Remember them 10 years later. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And do, so it was good. It was a great time Yeah. Remember them 10 years later. Yeah. And do, so it was good. It was a great time. Had a brilliant week. What else did I do? Are you going back? Is that the run done? You're doing another one.

That's the run done. I'm back in London very soon to do a couple more days on it. The radio show. When's the radio show out? Sometime in March to be confirmed. Well, mine isn't actually finished yet because Chris got in the way of it. So I've got to go in for a couple more days. he took out five minutes of the producer's day at one point which

i think was crucial to the smooth running of the edit so yeah mine's out in february hopefully joe put in a couple of ak-47 noises as well joe can you put a couple of ak-47 noises in here like Do you know what I'm very excited about? We're going to meet Joe at the live show. Yes. Which is now sold out. Boom. Standing remote. No, that's sold out.

Sold out two months in advance. This podcast is a phenomenon. That's what people are saying. In this, Sonil. I simply must know. This podcast is a phenomenon. I simply must know if you're going to drive some tray bakes down for that or not. You definitely are.

Because, I suppose this is a bit of a spoiler, we've got a couple of special guests. One of them is going to be in the audience, Andy, who runs the house. Shout out, Andy. Andy, who runs the tea rooms in my village, who famously makes exciting traybakes. He's going to be there with Avec Traybake. Avec Traybake is going to bring a couple of different kinds for the interval. And I assume we're all wearing suits for this?

Well, we need to talk about this. I think I wear like outdoorsy clothes and i think you wear like do you know like a polo neck a polo neck sort of jumper with pearls do you know what i mean like classy pearl and leather gloves and i wear like a walking stick and a map right Right, okay, fine. And what have I got? What do you want to wear? I think they have to know that you are like the producer, so maybe if you're wearing earphones. Do you know that kid in E.T.? No, I've not seen E.T.

Do you know one of the kids in E.T. who wears a big pair of headphones when he's riding the bikes? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's E.T.? No, it's not E.T. James isn't E.T. E.T.'s got the big headphones on, hasn't he? Should we swerve into letters? Because we haven't done letters for

ages. Yes. Okay. We need a letter. What time do you actually have to leave, Chris? I'm alright. It's loose and flexible. I do want to know about Chris's pub quiz persona. We'll come back on that. I'll report. We've talked about quizzes before. I'm going to come back with the results next time we're recording.

Okay. Yeah. All right. How many people are in your team? Just give us a few things to set it up to. Four of us, I believe. It's me. Well, ten.

Like me, Nicola. Yeah. My friend Dave, his wife Ola. I don't know if Ola wants a tattoo from me yet. We're going to see how that goes. And our children are going to be sat glued to electronic devices till about 10 o'clock at night. Packet of crisps.

Classic. Bottle of Coke with a straw in. Yes. Exactly. One bottle is allowed, one fizzy drink a night. Is there a pool table? Not in this pub, no. It's shaped like that.

Just banging the white up and down there a pool table? Not in this pub, no. Just banging the white up and down an empty pool table. That is my childhood. It's shaped like an L. That's New Year's Eve's 1987 to 1993. It's New Year's Eve for the...

That's like the childhood. It's my childhood. For children of pissheads, really, isn't it? But, like, it was, I don't look back on that. I look at the back of that very fondly. I remember at five past twelve, the pub character bursting out the toilet with a Johnny over his head that he blew up

using his nose until it popped. We made our own entertainment. You can do that tonight, Chris. I think there's like, I remember going in a local pub. I mean, it's probably, but that cocaine would have entered the mix. It's now so common. I remember going in a local pub. As a child.

No, back then there wasn't cocaine. No, not as a child. Now, pubs are shit now. I remember like going into toilets just this is like a few years ago but in Bradford in like what was once a nice pub and then the owners changed it just sort of went down skates and it was I went in and there was this big lad like doing coke in the middle of the toilet and I was like the lad was like older than me so I would have put the lad in his like early to mid 40s and you're like

we are still young that is definitely the vibe of this podcast but we are also in a bracket of people that should really be thinking about their heart do you know what i mean and not doing a lot of cheap whiz i can't get my head around it but you know what fair play well i think it's it's very addictive it's pathetic to be a cockhead in your 40s you can't edit that out James that's true

no no no I'm not gonna it's just he's coming large he's coming hard he's going out hot leave that in Joe with some

AK-47s Chris have you got a pub quiz a pub quiz team name? No, and I hope that they don't make us, because I can't. I can't.

I famously don't have it in me to punt. Well, just come up with one now. Nothing's going to happen between now and then. Well, it's a group decision. I can't just go in. Well, bring some stuff to the table. I can't go in and say me and my two mates have decided that we need to be cold getting

down to quizness getting down to quizness oh that's brilliant quiz akabusi can we have getting down to quizness please yeah of course you can it's my go-to pub quiz team name if they won't let me do team win yeah just team win there's no pun it's just really cocky. Those guys rolling in second to bottom. Yeah. I find it's like I love quizzes a lot until the moment someone steamrolls over me and then I want to sulk and go off. It's a shame because there's nothing you can tip over, is there?

It's not like a board game. Yeah. Just like when someone's adamant that you're wrong and then you're right. That's like, I don't want to do this anymore. Yeah. Well, we'll do more on pub quizzes when we get the results, I guess.

Let's have a letter. I'll do a couple of them back to back, just because obviously there was Greasy Gate, which it's become known, which is, it went a bit mad because producer James was telling a story and it was, kept saying greasy with an S but pronounced it with a Z

like greasy it drove me mad I think Sunil's the same that's why he messaged me privately on WhatsApp he messaged me privately to say obviously it went mad and I was like why do you do that but basically a lot of people have told us

where this has come from. Well, because I knew it was a reference to something. It was a reference to some sort of comedy. It was rattling around my head, and it's fun to say it like that. And most of the things I do and say are because they're fun to say like that. But this was a reference to a thing. I couldn't remember what. So, Sunil, do you want to read those?

We've got two emails under the email, top email section. Let me read for you email number one. Hi lads. Please let James know if he hasn't remembered it himself already

that he is pronouncing greasy that way because of rich vulture in the mighty bush. I think it's when he's playing the ape of death before he uses Naboo's miracle wax.

Cheers, Jay. This hair, it's about this wavy hair which is the sort of hair that I have. And is that true, James? Yes. If I wash it, it becomes too frizzy. If I leave it, it becomes greasy.

Second email. For producer James, Rich Vulture says it about his hair in Mighty Boosh. Great podcast. All the best, Joshua. Thanks, Joshua. Thanks, Jay. It's good to have the gaps plugged in.

We won't search it. We won't search for it. won't do it it's vibes based podcast more hair related is that more hair related jibes that have the gaps plugged in what's going on here just an intervention if we go to turkey together we've done this before well we sat on the beach with Trissip and Pina Coladas. Upright. Bolt upright. Bolt upright. Soft lighting overhead. Donut-shaped rings to sit on for our BBLs. I'll stay in that pool for two weeks. Just push me around. Having kebabs and cocktails all week.

Right, should we do another letter? Or is that enough of the letters this week? Because we've got a backlog now. I got told about a letter that you've been ignoring, Chris. Go on then. A listener said that they sent in a AI, they'd asked AI to generate a Christmas story as told by...

I'm ignored, eh? Whoa, he's coming in hot again. I'm not coming in hot, I'm keeping a respect, I'm being respectful so you should all be respectful to me no this is only since we recorded it's only come in this week oh okay they were worried that that they offended you in some way oh god no i'm just behind on the backlog can we save it's actually kind of cool can we save that one for the next one is next

next one will be the proper christmas episode i'll be the one after i could read it now it's quite meaty it's quite meaty the thing is we rarely have time for the meaty ones because like one of us has gone off on something and it's taken us 20 minutes to get it back on track who's that who's that i won't name names well we'll have a bit of a plan next time because i've got a letter in here as well Who's that? Who's that? I can't say. I won't name names. Well, we'll have a bit of a plan next time. Because I've got a letter in here as well. Basically, you're not offended by the letter.

We're saving it for Christmas special. I'm not. I'm just a bit, just like catching up and trying to, I've been away. I've been in, do you know what? I've been in Peak District this week as well. We need to come back on that as well. I've met, basically, I met a Canadian who lives in a village just like me called Rob Roush. Oh yeah.

And he's, he's lovely. He's such a nice man. And I've been doing gigs for him in these villages in the Peak District, but he's like basically living a life that I thought I was living, but I'm not even touching the sides. Do you know what I mean? He's a lovely man.

He doesn't have any active feuds on the go. What? Do you know what I mean? I'm like, I'm a bit. What does he do then? But he runs a man. He doesn't have any active feuds on the go. What? Do you know what I mean? I'm like, I'm a bit... What does he do then? Well, he runs a series. He does a lot of stuff. He's a very good comedian,

but he runs his own gigs up and down the Peak District in this village hall circuit. And they're lovely. I've had such a great time. No, but I mean, instead of active feuds, what, he just gets on with people? Well, he just is friends with everybody. He's a nice man.

He hasn't fallen out with parish council. He hasn't fallen out with Domino's Club. Do you know what I mean? He's just a nice man who's sort of friends with everybody. A lesson for us all there for this Christmas episode. And am I doing it wrong? Am I doing the countryside wrong? Just rowing with pensioners all the time?

No, you're absolutely fine. What time does pub quiz start? How long does it take you to get there door to door? Door to door, we're looking at four minutes. It's just a... Where's the pizza? They've got a pizza oven now, apparently. In the pub?

Apparently so. It's going places. I'll tell you what they've also got. There's a lot of fights in there, apparently. That's good. Because of the quiz. I don't know. I think it's... I'll tell you what it is. I liked Val don't know. I think it's, I'll tell you what it is.

I liked Val Kilmer in True Romance. I'll tell you what it is. The other pub, which I've talked about before, which is the farmer's pub, where the people aren't necessarily overly nice, but they've sort of accepted us, which comes with a huge feeling of achievement. In that pub, order is wielded by some very,

very big rural lads with mullets. We're just families that are in there having two guineas of a Sunday. We are under their purview. We are not annoying anybody, but they're basically, I think, would be ones for keeping an eye on anyone titting about. Without these lads present in the new pub, there's like, like more rucks and stuff in it. And I said to her, I said, you wouldn't act

the silly beggar down there, would you? Is she starting the rucks? She's starting the rucks, yeah. That's very interesting with regards to the countryside

because, you know, that's what deer are doing without an apex predator. Yeah, exactly. They're acting like silly buggers

in the new community pub. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns. We hope you've had some laughs as well as learning something. If you want to support the podcast, then go on to patreon.com forward slash rural concerns, where you can chuck us a few quid and you get a load more episodes and stuff. And you get to be our friends and you get access to a Discord server where everyone's like slagging me off and talking about USB chargers. Not just you. They're slagging James off and talking about usb charges not just you they're slagging james off too no they're all like the good lads they sort of help each other

out with stuff i dip in when i can there's some good stuff going on in there there's some good i tell you what they're a highly cultural bunch so there's like good film recommendations and documentaries and stuff that's coming out of that group that i'm adding to a little list another way to support us would be to leave us a five-star review on your whatever your podcast method of catching is you can do it on apple you can do it on spotify now you can leave comments on spotify now you can have a chat with us on spotify we'll say hello but just reminding that if you do leave us a review it has to be five stars. Because if it's not five stars, then what will happen is you'll be bundled into a van by some goons

and then forced to watch every single second of Guy Ritchie's Revolver. On Blu-ray. Someone will be sat next to you explaining how it's all about Kabbalah. And how it's actually very clever. It's actually quite clever, actually. Our music is by Sam O'Leary and our artwork is by Poppy Hilstead. Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph Blue Sky Burrows and it's produced by Egg Mountain

for a Lovely Time Productions. AK-47s. See us out, Joe. Da-da-da-da-da. What is going on in the background of one of your calls? It's not me. Is this why you're like, normally it's quite hard. We'll start at eight o'clock and now I can say why.

The kids had a friend round and I came back from work and I think my wife's giving them speed. Ha ha ha! Bong! Like that.