Rural Concerns - Popes, town criers & horses

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

Post-Conclave, the lads celebrate the appointment of Pope Leo XIV. Chris wants to put pictures up in peoples’ houses without consent, James mistakenly believes he has taste and Sunil has never seen a horse working. Want to see the lads live? Rural Concerns is coming to the London Podcast Show on 20th May (i.e. next Tuesday!) You can watch Chris’ Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated show! He’s heading to Chorley, Machynlleth, Wells and Newcastle! Check it out on his international website.  Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello, it's me, Sunil D. Patel. I'm here to remind you that we're recording a live episode at the London Podcast Show, which is at the Business Design Centre on the 20th of May. So come on down and tickets are in the bio. Chris's father-in-law will be in the audience, so you can have a look at that. Hello, welcome to Rural Concerns Podcast, a serious podcast for clever people. I am Sunil Patel and I'll be reporting on what's going on in London. Current trends in the metropolis include baggy trousers, tiny little tattoos and banging two people at the same time. Hello, I'm Chris Canchell and I have chosen to check out and live in the countryside. If anyone

here wears anything remotely stylish or impractical, we chuck bricks at them and mince them into little sausages. We also bang two people at the same time, but choose not to go on and on about it hello i'm producer james i live in the suburbs where i run a small website showing the location of car parks where people can meet in threes to bang it got you good man it got you good and there's a's good. It got you good. And there's a real beautiful, there was a arithmetic going on there that you could hear. You could hear you figuring it out while you were saying it. That was delicious.

Oh. So we are recording this for context. We are. We are coming hot off New Pope. Yes, the New Pope just dropped. USA, USA. New Pope just dropped. Cardinals took a big, they call it a tulip, don't they? You know when it's a spliff that's like rolled

and it's got a big ball on the end. Yeah. So they've just lit up the tulip and just blown up that pipe to be like, we got a new, we got a new Pope. Instant reaction. American Pope.

Yeah. Yeah. Good stuff, actually. Has that happened before? I don't think, I don't know. Has there been an American Pope? Yeah, because they're saying

America's only been around for like, what, 30 years or something? Yeah, probably. Don't look it up. Is this the first one that has English as a first language as well unless there's been an english pope i think so normally you want a little old man that you're going grazie molti bene that's right that's right ch Chris. Thank you. Very good. A children, a pasta, a grassi.

What was the one with the really fun name that everyone wanted to win? Oh, there was one called Pizza Baller. Pizza Baller, that's it. Yeah. Yeah. But this one isn't. This is, I think, Louis XVII, I think he's called. I think it's going to be Leo XIV is what he's going to end up called.

What's his vibe? Is it like same as before or is it like- Pope stuff, isn't it? I think he's a Christian, believes in God. Interesting. Interesting move. What we want is, does he like cheeseburgers? Does he like-

Because with Pizza Baller, you know, we had an idea of his snacks. We knew what we- How old is he? 69. 69? So a little kid has his job done. The grand job. Do you know what I mean?

A younger one gets in, bad stuff happens, doesn't it? What's that film? The Young Pope? Yes, Jude Law Pope. And he's quite hard-line, isn't he? The young ones are always hard-line. Not seeing much Pope stuff. You're not seeing much Pope stuff?

Apart from Conclave. Yeah. And the poster of much Pope stuff. Apart from Conclave. Yeah. And the poster of the Pope that with the lines, I like the Pope, the Pope smokes dope. Oh yeah, that's good. Where he's got a big old doobie on the go.

That's, those are my, those are the only real things I know about the Pope. I like that one with the Pope in the big coat. The big puffer coat. Pope, big puffer coat. I do.

Oh yeah, that one. Is that AI? That one real, was it? Looks like it, but I don't know. Not do. Oh, yeah, that one. Is that AI? That wasn't real, was it? Looks like it, but I don't know. Not wrong we're using AI to distort reality, if it makes reality better. What, the Pope wore a puffer coat? Is that good?

Pope wore a puffer coat. Pope smoking cigarrillos. It rhymes. You could have rhymed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did have a rapper. I'm a rapper. I do rapping.

Let's just conclude, New Pope. I hope that New Pope rules with kindness and mercy. Do you know what I mean? I hope he comes out and he's be like, let's take it easy on these things. Do you know what I mean? I don't think he's going to start doing an Italian accent if he's American. Let's just chill, everybody. You know what I mean?

Did you have an opinion on that before you started speaking? No, but I figured I trusted, I'm growing as a performer. I trusted myself to reach something profound. I hope the new Pope will be like, right, stop that. We're going back, back 200 years. Cut all that out. We don't know what sort of pope we've got i think we could all just hope please not let's start having a vaguely youth one yeah no i think it'd be pretty chill i think it's not exactly i do you know what i'm gonna stop myself there because i don't know anything about the catholic church no I think this Pope is going to be, it's going to talk a lot about God.

I saw an article headline or a news bulletin headline that was like, he's going to have to hit the ground running. There's a lot of urgent issues that need his attention. Like what? Well, there's a lot of mad things in the world, but what, how does it fill his inbox? He's busy though, the Pope, isn't he? He's always about.

He's not at home much, is he? No, he's like. He's in that little van standing up. He goes around the world, doesn't he? Meets people. Are there any other jobs that have been around for like 1,700 years? Or it's 2,000 years, isn't it? Because isn't like Paul or Peter men who have been the first?

Doctor? No, but like one single role. There have been doctors as a job. No, because you think the other thing you would think of is monarch and stuff, but that's comparatively... That's not... You're born into it, aren't you? Or you fight into it.

In the UK, the line... Sheriff of... Nottingham. Cool. That one's been around. Is that still a been around is that still a job is that still a going yeah they're still sheriffs isn't there but they don't but they don't have to do anything it's more honorary i think is there still a sheriff of nottingham i'm gonna look it up yeah i i like i would say like i say i've sort of been articulating myself as the writer in residence of Hadrian's Wall. That feels like an ancient job title that would go back to the Roman wall, wouldn't it?

And they'd have some slave lad, do you know what I mean? He's come from a faraway land. He finds himself in Northumbria looking out at this alien vista. He captures it with like sort of honesty. But in a way that catches the ear of the king of rome who invites who invites this lowly peasant into the royal court the king of rome yeah yeah yeah he invites them into the court and sort of makes him his conciliary you you know what I mean? Like he's second in command. He gives him advice on how to conquer the barbaric hordes. Right, okay.

Do you understand? This is, yeah, sorry, I don't want to go too deep into my studies, but. But did you have to interview for this job? For what job? Writer in residence. The writer in residence. No, but if someone knocks on my door and says, give me 250 words about this bit of wall or that tree,

I'd be like... But do you have to just write about the wall all year round? No, it's not exclusively my domain. I've got my own... Do you know what I mean? It's like a sort of job share type thing. I could do a chunk of time a week is the writer in residence work, self-employed, and then I do my other stuff that brings in the hard cash.

Do you know what I mean? But you think there has been a writer in residence on Hadrian's Wall since it was built? I think I believe that if you see a gap in the world, be the change you want to be in the world. Be who you want to think is missing in the world. He's saying he's made it up james he's made it up yeah i don't i don't think i don't think that fulfills the question

that i asked earlier do are there any other jobs that have been around for basically 2 000 years banker no like one job that constantly is the same you're not thinking of a genre of job i am you're thinking of like You're thinking of like Walt Disney. What? I don't know what's happening today. I don't know what's happening today. I was thinking, to be honest, you're right. I was thinking of Walt Disney, but not for the reasons you think.

I've got a Vatican City fact. Go on then. Cool. Which, where on earth is the highest proportion of bloomberg terminals per population question what's a bloomberg terminal it's one of them little screens that has like finance numbers coming up on it you got to pay mr bloomberg money to have financial information or something james is it so you can keep an eye on your stocks like tick tick yeah yeah news and that.

Financial news. Is that right, James? Yeah, something like that, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Vatican City fact. Where in the world has the most Bloomberg terminals per capita?

James, can I go first? I think you might be working on an answer, but while you are, can I go in first? Nottingham. Home of the sheriff. Home of the sheriff. Home of the sheriff. I've joined these two dots he's put down together. It's the Bloomberg terminals of Nottingham. Sheriff of Nottingham role was suspended in March last year.

Oh, last year. Due to budget cuts. Not enough Bloomberg terminals. Was it Vatican City, Sunil, that had the most? Yeah, okay, just because there's some listeners who will be pulling their hair out. Right, I've got a story. This is a countryside bit.

It's not on the list. It's just come to me. I wanted to say it, but then I forgot. There is a countryside bit. The other week, they had this... We've got a village near us that's like, it's a village,

but it's massive compared to ours. You know what I mean? Like ours is like 350 houses spread out. Do you know what I mean? Teeny tiny.

This is like 2000 or something like that, you know, still a village, but much more suburban, much bigger in scope. There's some real money flying around.

They put on an event. Yeah. Like a fun day. It was an Easter fun day, right, in the community hall. So we went and it was like old, you know, old fashioned games. There was like a tin can alley. Bat and the rat. There was like a guy with a tube.

Bat and the rat. He did that. Someone had made one of these copper piping Rat. There was like a guy with a tube, Bat the Rat. He did that. Bat the Rat. Someone had made one of these little copper piping things where it was like, eh. You know, you have to follow it around. And if you touch it with a metal pen, it goes, eh, like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you understand what I'm saying, James? Yeah. Yeah. I understand as well. That's not old. No. No, it's old fashioned, isn't it? I suppose it's 90s.

You've got arcades now. Why have you got that? Yeah. Everyone's got a Switch. These are old. No. No, it's old fashioned, isn't it? I suppose it's 90s. You've got arcades now. Why have you got that? Yeah. Everyone's got a Switch. These are games. Right. So they took over this sports hall. Hoopla.

Yeah. They took over this sports hall. So that was it. When I was there, there was a guy, like a town crier type guy. Neon, like struck me, purple town crier outfit, neon green tights. Whoa. I'm saying it out loud. It sounds bonkers, doesn't it?

It sounds like a figment. But there he was, like an older chap. Yeah. So I was like, oh, he's great. And Alice, who's the mother of one of my son's friends, Alice was telling me, who lives in the bigger village, she was saying, apparently the town crier was the town crier for many years.

Yeah. But basically had to do with the parish council in the bigger village because they were basically, and we don't agree with it. They were drowning him in administrative red tape. Stop him shouting. Stop him shouting. No, but every time he did it, they like drowned him in like health and. Stop him shouting. Stop him shouting. No, but every time he did it, they drowned him in health and safety forms and stuff. Do you know what I mean?

You have to do basically a risk assessment before you did the town crier in. He just said, I'm not doing it anymore. Did he come in shouting neon? Yeah. He's just like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I can't be arsed with this. This is too much faff for someone to do as a pensioner.

But then the twist in the tale is, Alice said. Twist. COVID. There's a local pub. The local pub just bought him his own costume and just,

he goes out and just does it free, freelance. In the pub? Anywhere in town. But the pub like sponsored the funk, like basically enabled him. To shout the news? What news though? What's he shouting out?

Is it now the specials? Is he shouting out who's had an affair in the village or something? Is it like two for one on banks is? Yeah. You, ding, ding, ding. Banks, suspected banks he found up back at co-op ding ding ding no it's not sorry just just say fuck off sorry just says fuck off sharon sorry ding ding ding ding ding just seeing your wife come out of gary's house ding ding ding was that

is that's a job though that is actually a job that's been around for a few hundred years if it's still a town choir and consistently would have been consistently. But can you tell me what they were supposed to be shouting though? What is the news they're crying out? The modern news. Would it be tweets? Like funny tweets? They were invented in a time of no phones.

No power bank chargers. Get this, I suspect many less clocks. Well, that's an old job that used to exist, a knocker-upper. Yeah, excuse me? A knocker-upper. Before everyone had clocks, when you like, you know, like a town, like everyone worked in the factory or whatever, there was someone whose job it was to go and knock on everyone's window to let them know it was the morning uh

well yeah they i mean all these jobs that used to exist but don't now i mean yeah like horse shit shoveler like horse as well horse was a job that no one needs now yeah you could get good hours as a horse back in the day but now now horses are just for, they don't work anymore, do they? They're just claiming off the state. I have not seen a horse work my entire life. And that's saying something. Not a work horse. No, I've seen them like swanning around in fields.

Yeah. With snazzy hats and jackets on. They actively impede work because I can, when they're around, I cannot tear through the village. You know what I mean? I have to take it down to like five miles an hour. I can't just to not startle the horse. And you're like,

I have forgot to buy something essential. It's my auntie's birthday. It's this, it's that. I need to make the post. So the horse is actually like, not just not working, it's actively stopping other people going about their business.

Terran Crow is also known as a bell man. How did they reach that? Oh they're reading out the time aren't they? They're saying it's like it's noon now and that. They used to say here you. I think there was much more in the older know, I've read that medieval history book. In like the past in medieval times, I'm sort of joining a few dots that are laid out for me on this.

Go on. Time was a much more of a communal agreement. You know what I mean? So time was dictated by a town crier-esque figure in the community. Do you know what I mean? All the traders, everyone that was basically doing something that was time sensitive, the markets ran from this time to this time. Those people were basically at the behest of the timekeeper.

And do you know what caused the standardization of time across the UK? Vatican City. No, James, it wasn't Vatican City city chris what do you think sheriff no it was true it was trains really they delivered clocks they delivered time they delivered time but was it yeah because they had to have clocks on the stations presumably as well yeah when did trains happen then oh i'd say oh go on chris you you filled this one you have a take a take a run up at this one pre 1895 two brothers made the first train and it it when it flew for 18 seconds but from, it became standardized train practice. That's right.

The Old West. World War I, two horses pulling a train, pulling some munitions. Are you just picturing the Levi's picture on the back with the two horses? He's featuring the play War Horse with Daniel Radcliffe's penis. That's a different horse based play that's the last time a horse worked as far as i can tell world war one or two yeah finally finally somebody said it should we start the podcast then and that is why i voted i voted in the local elections, in the UK local elections.

And that's why reform have come roaring back. All right. That's such an absolute reform landslide, because Nigel Farage, who's the leader of the Reform Party, has finally motivated the anti-hospital. All right, alright well 1829 first train where did it go from

it was the Liverpool and Manchester railway really it says here it was built for the Liverpool and Manchester railway which sounds like they you know they knew it was happening before it happened it's probably the last time that you could travel easily

between Liverpool and Manchester. I tell you what, every time they talk about revolutionising the travel infrastructure, it does stick in my craw a bit. They always focus on, do you know what I mean? The trip from Manchester to London is two hours. So they're like, we need to reinvigorate this to shave half an hour off. And I understand that Manchester is an important bit,

but the bit of the country that's lacking, it's not London, fuck London. It's not, it's like, it's that section of the country from left to right, from east to west. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought they were always planning on doing that weren't they but then they keep cancelling it seems pretty important they said i think they said that the cancelled hs2 money was going to go into that but that was a while ago now

and it doesn't look like it's happened yeah they're some of the worst trains i've ever been on like the going across the country ones they're the ones that are all buses on tracks. They're not even, they're just like, some of them are actual sheds. My mate wrote an article ages ago for paper, Sean Morley, wrote an article for Guardian about the pacer trains that we have up our way. They were basically buses in the 80s that were converted into trains as a very temporary measure, still in widespread use over 30 years later. Rickety, dangerous. It's insane. And if you want to go to, if you want to, you know,

if you want to go across that country, you have, it's like chartering an expedition. It's bonkers. It's not right. We don't need to shove half an hour off London. Nobody needs to be in M&M World

that badly. And here, end of the lesson. Which, Matt, listener, we've cut down Chris's four-letter tirade. What have I done?

Why have I cut it down? Not really. So that was the, was that the city bit? James, James, we've found a lovely and natural equilibrium on editorial content. I believe we're in a really good place with it.

I understand what's going to be cut. I don't push it too far, but you cannot censor a Northern mind going on an anti-Southern tirade. That's one of the core pillars of this podcast. Here is the city, mate. Keep it light. Let's go back to the old Pope smokes dope.

It is light. He's just talking about buses there, trains, that's fine. Buses, new Pope, lazy heart, classic verbal concerns. Do we need to give a debrief on our MacFest show then? That we did last week. We survived it.ief on our MacFest show then? That we did last week.

We survived it. James's first MacFest. Yeah, it was nice. We were in a very old little building, weren't we? You were there for three hours. Yeah, pretty much. I was actually there for a bit longer because the train out was quite delayed. So I was there for half an hour longer than I anticipated.

How many trains did you have to catch to get? One train to Birmingham, one Birmingham train, the train that goes from Newcastle to Southampton. And I got on it for but 45 minutes. Oh, that's a trip, isn't it? Oh yeah. I sat next to, I think they were three sisters and they were kind of about late forties,

I'd reckon early fifties. And they were sitting at a four as, I'd reckon early 50s. And they were sitting at a four-a-table. It was quite a busy train. I was just seat free and they sort of went, yeah, all right. And I sat down and I cracked open a beer and I could feel them tutting. So I got my book out and I read a book for a bit. What book? And then it is a book of ghost stories set on trains.

So they didn't know what to make you. They didn't know what was going on. This giant lad has crowbarred himself into our sacred space and he's pissed off his nut reading a book. I don't know what it is. But he can also read. And then the conductor fella came down. Is it a conductor on a train?

Yeah. Why not? Yeah. Yeah. Ticket man. Ticket man. Yeah. The ticket master.

Yes. And he, that's what the website's named after, isn't it? This one guy. And I asked him a poshest voice. Oh, when does the,

cause it was a bit delayed. I said, when does the train get into Cheltenham and one of them looked one of the ladies locked up in a booth excuse me sir

you're my dear boy when does the train reach Cheltenham when does the train get into Cheltenham Cheltenham Spa Cheltenham Spa yeah go on

sorry go on and one of the one of the sisters looked up and was, and as I got off, I said, oh, thank you very much for your assistance. So yeah, I think I did sound pissed, actually, thinking about it.

One beer, that's all it takes sometimes, isn't it? Yeah, it was giddy. It was a hot day. You should have taken the book I had in my bag, the 1,000-page book on what would happen if the Nazis won. Bobby Harris? No, this one's

C.J. Samson. It's fiction. No, but it's not written as a story, is it? It's a story, yeah. It's called Dominion. Oh, how's it going? I found it in a charity shop and thought that would be fun, wouldn't it, to give to someone? I was going to give it to Eddie Hare, but I forgot that he'd already read it.

I've long since had a desire to give people... There's a couple of things I want to do to be a bit of sweaty hair, but I forgot that you'd already read it. I've long since had a desire to give people, there's a couple of things I want to do to be a bit cheeky. One, I want to put pictures up in people's houses without their permission. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Like I go around to their house. Do you know what, if you swap a picture around

and it will take them a long time. Like the other day I was looking i found this picture and it's the worst picture i've ever seen in my life it's like a horizontal like a1 a1 poster this one you bought from the charity shop no that's not i love oh sorry that's for your own house isn't it that's for my own house sorry the one that the one that i saw on the internet it was it's like this horizontal picture of all the jokers so it's like it's the joker from gotham it's jared letter it's heath ledger it's caesar romano i think that's his name and it says like we've got it says we've got like the clown the psychopath the gangster do you know what i mean and it's like that i thought wouldn't it be funny

if i covertly put that up in someone swapped a picture out and it'd take him i suspect it's the sort of thing where it'd take you like when you see it you really see it but it'll take a long time to clock on it's the sort of thing that you know you'd see above a man's bed if he's been allowed to decorate it himself yeah Yeah. A bit of me likes doing practical draught decorating. I want to give people gifts that are

repulsive bits of art but really sell it that like this is a new artist that I've found. But what I've done is I've got a gnome and I've painted it

one colour. Do you know what I mean? Like a neon green and I'd be like this is a Dutch artist. I got this at a discounted rate. I would look,

you know, like really, really act, really sell that I, this is a Dutch artist. I got this at a discounted rate. I would look, you know, like really, really act, really sell that I think this is a magnificent gift just to see how they'll take it. Do you know what I mean? And it's worth pointing out at this point, it's been a very long time since I've been invited to a dinner party.

Do you remember the picture I sent you guys that keeps coming up on my instagram feed from this place that sells art and it's like a 70 inch canvas of marge simpson but with her ass out yeah i don't remember yeah it's i mean this company is spending a lot on advertising and it looks like it is paying off but i don't know like who is buying that well it's only a matter of so no it's only a matter of time until you we cave until you cave you're king of your own dominion now as well like i know that you've got a housemate and that there's equal pegging but helen helen was the dominant housemate in terms of decorations but not in terms of paying the bills. You didn't do anything in that house unless Helen gave it the nod.

I think that's fair. She was like, you should put some stuff up on the walls. I couldn't really care less. And then as soon as I could choose something to go on the walls, I chose to be annoying. What, make a funny do funny punk pictures you know print of tony soprano and his horse two mike tyson prints no two exactly the same no and then what was the other one i had that she

hated i bought her for her birthday a portrait of herself as an elizabethan lady that you normally get uh for your pet well like with them photo ones yeah you send in a picture of herself as an Elizabethan lady that you normally get for your pet. Well, like with them photo ones. Yeah, you send in a picture of your dog and it puts it in a sort of Elizabethan outfit. But it's like 40-quid framed. You could do that. That's good for people as well.

I bet I want to be into art. You can be. Everyone can be into art. There's no right or wrong answer, is there? Do you know what I mean? I have a parallel. Like, now we're starting to tick through the house and rooms are starting to appear as proper rooms.

Yeah. Like me and Nicola have identified that basically the last house we've always been in for the last few years, we've been in some sort of transitional place. Right. Do you know what I mean? So we've never put stuff up. Like we've never put stuff on the walls.

It's always been, well, we were just here for a bit. We're sort of guests in this setup and then we'll move out. So, so I'm petrified of putting a nail on wall. Absolutely petrified. Do you know what I mean?

In case I get it wrong. Yeah. But now it's like, this is our home. What we, what we, what we had an idea for is a, which we haven't done yet, but we call it the family wall,

where we take universally terrible pictures of people that we love. Do you know what I mean? Real, just like they're at the wrong angle. Oh, yeah. People are cut off. People are making non-funny faces. And those are the ones that make us laugh. So we put that on the wall.

I think that's quite sweet, but we haven't done it yet. And I'm scared to do it. You're the, you've got the soul of a punker. What do you mean? I'm a prankster at heart. You like to have a laugh.

That's the problem, isn't it? Yeah. You're an artist with a soul of, of, of a jackass. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You're the artist with the soul of a bit of a cunt. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're an artist with a bit of a cunt. Cuss hole. James, do you do funny art or do you have proper art? I bet you have nice art. I'd love to see your house. It's my wife.

I've seen the outside. You've seen it, haven't you? Yeah. He wouldn't let me in. That was not negotiable. I do the stuff for the kids. I like the classy kid stuff. Like, it's a map of the world, but it's done in the style of Super Mario.

Yeah, okay. So it's the actual map of the world, but looking like the Super Mario map. And you're saying that's classy? It's kid stuff. It's classy kid stuff. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's the shoes from Back to the Future,

but the like looking arty, but they're the shoes from Back to the Future. Yeah. That is allied to the Joker pictures. Yeah. Instead of a bedside lamp, it's a Sonic the Hedgehog replica. Do you understand, Sonil?

This is classy. This is children's stuff done to a high level. I would be very surprised to find that. If that was in the article, if that was in the gallery where Robbie Williams, an artist of that calibre, is showcasing his work, I wouldn't be surprised. It's Sonic's finger as well as the on-off switch. That's how you turn it off.

That's very cool. Click it over. Now it's classy. Yeah. I said it was cool. I didn't say it was classy. Yeah. No, I don't think I've got very good taste.

I like the things that I like. I can give an opinion, but I couldn't source it. But neither of you have been really tested on your taste. You've never had to decorate a whole home on your own, have you? I've got taste. Nicola doesn't have as good taste as me when it comes to stuff like colour. In general, I will bow to Nicola's lead on like how we're going to set stuff up. But when it comes to stuff like colours and pairing stuff,

that's all me. Or, and I'm good with clothes pairing and stuff and colours. Well, you want this and you want those shoes because they bring out this. You want that flash of gold. I've never heard you talk like this. I talk like this all the time. I'm a well-dressed man for my age.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We are three well-dressed men. Thanks. There's some real, in our age bracket, I mean, it's a tough time, isn't it? This is a mental health hotspot for men, as my last sort of show has become a lightning bolt for men in their late 30s, early 40s that are having a tough time. But it's a time where men sort of give up a lot,

or to me, rush to... We have a generation of dads, middle-aged dads, that are still gamers. This demographic has never existed before. There's never been a demographic of old person that knows every single word to forgot about Dre. Do you know what I mean? We are in uncharted territory.

We are still young. But the worst thing is, you know, like the gilet. Fuck the gilet. Oh, really? You're saying no to gilet? Gilet is this like, it's the new outfit of the corporate class. Do you know what I mean?

It's, um... I keep getting given clothes like this by my father-in-law and he says I should wear them to make me look successful. But he's giving you shuffle ones, isn't he? Is it shuffle? They're ones that he's bought

that turned out were too big for him did you did you tell him that this podcast was number 73 in the UK comedy charts in the week

that it came out and never again did you tell him that was that a was that a Freudian slip that you referred to it as charts yeah exactly

they're corrupt. Big money has skewed those charts against the working man. I want to be an e-sports coach. You know what I mean? I think I could still do that. You know, like some old, gnarled old man. Like Paulie or whatever. No, not Paulie.

Like Burgess Medrith. I don't know that sport. Is it Rocky? Yeah, Rack. It's the guy that played the penguin. Is it? It is, isn't it? Colin Farrell.

God, do his talents never end. Pathetics on that in the past. Everything on this podcast is pointed in one direction and it's not an ADHD diagnosis, as somebody in the Spotify comments said. No, someone in the Spotify comments said, I'm a trainee psychologist. To be honest with you, I thought Chrissy's ADHD diagnosis was a foregone conclusion. They must have hit the point in the episode where I'm like, I might have this.

But what it means is, I don't have ADHD. What I have is an ability ability it's almost like a superpower do you know like rogue in x-men where she she's cursed she touches people and absorbs their power which means that she can never she absorbs the life force which means that she can never do physical contact i'm like that i've got a big glove on a big iron monger's glove i take the glove off and i can feel the vibe and i can figure out the way to do something really good just for the vibe just vibes just vibing it cool well should we have a letter then yeah yeah i know i'm just trying to work out the vibe thing he was talking

about so what's the downside of being able to feel the vibe? You will never have a vibe. Do you suck up the vibe? Do you ruin the vibe? The vibe is that every now and then it would be really good to be able to read something about leaks or anything in my life or how to maintain my car. Do you know what I mean? It'd be good. Or the rules of a board game.

Yeah, okay. That'd be a nice skill to have, but I can't have it because I'm all about the vibe i can feel it in my fingers you want to be surprised by a film but you could know what the vibe is exactly but i know it all do we do we've done do you want to just tell us about your car so you can do a city bit because i feel it's 50 minutes i haven't been in the city for a week i've been in the seaside and i've been at mac and then i've been away for the last couple of days as well but what car were you driving on a car rental to mac i rented a car i got a great deal on a small

hatchback i turned up at the desk i said where's my car and they said for 20 quid more do you want a mercedes performance amg e-class and i said yes turned out it was 20 quid a day i didn't realize that but then they left it out so i got in they gave me no instructions on how to use it absolutely lovely car it was a nice car drove Drove 700 miles, picked up James in it. How much would it cost in the open market? Well, to buy that car? Okay. I'm looking it up. It's from 55 to

50. So that's the money you're on, isn't it? That is mental. It's rental. It goes up to, oh, that's the one I got. It goes from 45 to 60 to buy. I would say this. If you have to, listen, James, listen,

this is the end of the podcast. I'm negotiating as a deal. One, Sonny, if you have to quit this podcast because you hit it big in a Marvel, do you know what I mean? You've got to be a new marvel superhero a champion of we've talked about this before a champion like the marvel's first micro dick superhero yeah yeah yeah you know i mean if you hit that you hit marvel money you can no longer commit

to this podcast rural concerns is dead how you let us know is by having one of these cars waiting for us outside our house, brand new chauffeur, hands you the keys and says, the day has come. The day has come. Mr. Mr.

Patel can no longer commit to this weekly podcast. And I will take. Well, the cars come and pick you up. No, no, it's our car. Me and James get one each as a severance.

I thought he meant it was a car that came and picked you up, took you to a field and shot you in the back of and pick you up. No, no, it's our car. Me and James get one each as a sevens. I thought he meant it was a car that came and picked you up, took you to a field and shot you in the back of the head. Yeah. Cause if we're not doing this podcast, I don't want to be alive. Do we have a letter? I think is a good idea.

Let's have a letter. Okay. We've got a, we've got a Spotify comment from trash cann Cannibal. You can leave comments on Spotify. It's like a kind of newish feature. It's good. You can talk to us. We'll talk back.

This is a comment from, it's quite a recent comment, I think. And it's from Trash Cannibal and it says, doesn't the king already have a podcast? Think it's something to do with music from the Commonwealth where he sings scripted praises of bands and artists he's never heard of or listened to. Probably at the behest of the turnip baby just for this is a reference to a previous episode where we talk about usurping the king of england to promote a podcast it's it's complicated but when you listen to the episode it makes perfect sense but it also there's a

turnip baby that can see the future that's part of the coronation it's part of the coronation service this is that's one of the bits that they don't televise and they don't even say that they're not televising it yes this is ancient british war so there's that but it turns out that's probably a job that's been around for 2,000 years. Turnip baby. Turnip baby. That's the one that you're born into. Look at this baby. Does it look like a turnip?

Can it see the future? Yes, you're hired. Bring it to the king. A family line of turnip people. There's a turnip baby, turnip, the line of turnip.

A line of turnip like Nostradamus is. But what's been suggested by Trash Cannibal is that the King of Britain and maybe the Commonwealth, I don't really know what that is. Definitely the Falcons, the King of the Falcons, Charles III, has a podcast. I've not heard of this. I'll tell you what, I know who does have a podcast, I've not heard of this. I'll tell you what,

I know who does have a podcast, Harry and Meghan, enough said, let's move on. I didn't know either of them had a podcast. Oh, it's called The King Cast. No, that's a Stephen King fan podcast. It's The King's Music Room.

I can't believe he's got a podcast. Yeah, well, Spotify's going to start showing showing plays do you think he does like a classic wrap-up at the end you know like like and subscribe i can subscribe hit me up on the patreon it's the only way to keep this podcast leave a comment below leave a comment below don't ask about the fingers yeah yeah comment below we're gonna take a break but here's a clip from another podcast it's this is harry and megan's 12 episodes of the podcast that they did for like, do you know that they got paid like millions and millions of dollars

to make a podcast series by Spotify? Yeah, because people, yeah, listen to that. It features artists stretching from crooners to Afrobeat stars via disco divas and reggae icons. What, on King Charles' podcast? That's King Charles' music.

The King's Music Room. I don't know. I think we do probably need to. Sorry, is King Charles talking about Afrobeat? Yep. Yep. Guys, we're being left behind. Oh, it's one song per episode.

Do you want to read? Oh, wow, yeah. The last one was Diana Ross. Is he going to review the new Kanye album? Episode 16 was Beyonce, Crazy in Love. My goodness. Yeah, he's really gone the new Kanye album? Episode 16 was Beyonce, Crazy in Love. My goodness. Yeah, he's really gone for it here. Oh, wow.

Some pretty harsh comments. On his podcast. Yeah, I'll be reading that. I'll be reading them later. Keep me warm at night. Episode three was The Locomotion by Kylie Minogue. No way! Has it been three episodes?

It's a little gem you might not have heard of it's Craig McLaughlin with Stefan Dennis we don't know the king he might be into drill sorry yeah okay right so that's the king's podcast please like and subscribe

no please like and subscribe. No, please like and subscribe. I won. Please like and subscribe. The King's podcast. Stop it. Stop it. Right. Intros,

outros. Right. Intro. thank you for listening to this nourishing helping of rural concerns do you want to see us live in the flesh and panicking about software applications well you can you can. Come and see us at the London Podcast Show on the 20th of May, 2025. Which, when this comes out, that will be next Tuesday. Christ!

Yes, it is. And it's at the Business Design Centre in Islington. It's close to Oaxaca. Don't worry. If you've missed that, tickets are still on sale for our last live show of the year at Manchester's Fairfield Social Club on the 22nd of November, 2025.

Tickets for both shows better be in the notes, Chris. Yes, yes, they definitely are. And I've also announced I've got like three dates left of like a brilliantly fun tour that I've been doing. But I'm going to Chorley this week on the 17th of May, the Wells Comedy Festival on the 24th of May. And then in June, on June the 14th, I'm going to Newcastle upon time to the Stand Comedy Club.

Please come on down. I've had a great time. Let's go out with a bang. And if you come, if you buy a ticket, you can have one free shot. I won't even hit back. Do you know what I mean? That's how Houdini died. The best way to support us

is by becoming a Rural Concerns Patreon. For a small donation, you'll not only be supporting an independent podcast, and that means that we, well, it says here that we'll never say

Monster Energy drink is good, but they haven't come knocking yet, and you never know. You'll also get weekly bonus episodes as well as access to The creamery which is our dedicated discord server our artwork is by poppy hilstead and music is by sam o'leary

and our legal due diligence is by cal derrick entertainment lawyer to the stars rural concerns is edited by joseph spooky pasta burrows and it's produced by Egg Mountain for Lovely Time Productions. I do want to just actually redress the balance of my trainers because I did on, you know, one night you can design your own trainers. Oh, you did that. I did that and I get compliments for those trainers very regularly. What does it say on it?

People say that to me. Free Luigi. They're just nice trainers, actually. And people like those are nice. You didn't get them embroidered at the back? No, it just says Nike. You typed in Nike. I think you could choose it.

I didn't get my name on it. I should have. But yeah, popped it in the basket. Little pop-up said no professionals. Very nice. Bong. Like that.