Rural Concerns - Power banks, mystery worm & the return of Farmer Buggerton

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

Sunil entertains an unexpected guest, Chris is one step closer to enacting some brutal countryside vengeance and Producer James had a really brilliant time editing this episode. Plus, Chris chimes the devised theatre bell to educate Sunil about the wonders of camping. You can now support this podcast on Patreon! That’s right, for less than the price of a pint of smelly London lager you can get access to bonus episodes, power bank affiliate links and The Creamery, our exclusive Discord hangout. For more info, head to https://patreon.com/RuralConcerns. Get in touch! Drop your rural concerns to [e-mail]. Our music is by Sam O’Leary [www.samoleary.com] and our music is by Poppy Hillstead. Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. 

Welcome to Rural Concerns, the podcast for concerned citizens who would rather die than forfeit their log burners. Come for us, we will drink your blood. When you're talking power banks, I prefer one with, obviously, a USB-C fast charging port. That's very important. I also want a USB port as well,

which provides trickle charging for items that need slower charging. And that's all you need, really. You just need those two ports. But also, crucially, you also need, well, not need, but it's very nice to have as a digital display telling you what percentage is left. Do you have one that you could send us?

What, just give to you? No, no, no, no. As in, like, when I could, I'm looking to buy one because I'm traveling around a lot and stuff. And you haven't had one all this time? No, which is real stressful when you have E, when you train tickets of e-tickets, you know?

Well, what are you using as a charger plug? What are you using for that? Just the plug charger, USB-C. What, the one that came with your phone or your laptop or something? Yeah. Crazy, right? Yeah, it does feel crazy. And I keep...

It is crazy to me, yeah. Surely that's the best one. That's the one that came with the crazy to me yeah surely that's the best one that's the one that came with the phone that's got to be the best one get yourself two of these two of these anchor usbc 30 watt fast chargers get a couple of them two pack for about 12 quid one in the house one out and about you set yeah all right yeah and then cable-wise, get a multi-cable. The one I use are made by Rolling Square. You can get one attached to your keychain that has USB-C, lightning, and micro-USB.

Boom. On a keychain, yeah. Just have it on a keychain. You don't have a keychain. I've never been involved in a conversation that's never felt more like bonus content. How much are you willing to spend on a power bank that's what i'm going to ask you next what's the price points though what's a silly amount of money what's a normal like if i said 20 quid would you look at me like you looked at

chris when he said he used the wire out of his phone box james i wouldn't look at you at all with that money because is is it because my computer's run out of his phone box james i wouldn't look at you at all with that money because is is it because my computer's run out of batteries yeah listen i'll send you the one i'm talking about you're gonna have to spend about seven pound more okay now this one portable light enough for about two phone charges that's all you need to get you through the day. And just FYI, for people listening that have signed up to the Verbal Concerns Patreon, we will put these links directly into the Discord chat. Which one?

Well, the plugs. No, no, no, the one that you've just sent, the portable power bank. Yeah, it's small. If you want a bigger one, I can recommend a bigger one. Do you mean it's small in terms of the capacity of it? Well, it's 10,000. That's all you need, really. It's good. It's good for the size. I think it's in its small in terms of the capacity of it? Well, it's 10,000. That's all you need, really.

It's good. It's good for the size. I think it's brilliant. And I've sent you the two-pack of USB-C plugs. That's on a limited-time deal at the moment and 20% off. So you're looking at sort of 12 quid for two plugs there. These links seem really long. Are they affiliate links? Yeah, he's getting paid, isn't he?

No. He's suddenly got real interested in the Discord group. Supplementary income. Look, buy those two things, you'll be all right, all right? Guys, if everybody, I'm going to put these links actually in the show notes.

So if everybody listens to this podcast, buys it with those links Sunil is going to get Sunil's going to get store credit or something 2.5% cheers 2.5% of total spend over the course of

three days on your computer he's going to get that money and he's going to be able to buy as many copies of The Prince by Machiavelli

as he needs well good chance to start the episode, I think. Yeah, he's at the start of the episode. We're going to go in there. Yeah, brilliant. No, it feels,

it kind of feels inevitable, doesn't it? Yeah. To be honest with you. Well, I mean, we've done some, you know, we've talked about broadband in the past, haven't we?

Let's have a good episode, please. And let's be, guys, let's all just have a good episode today. All right. This isn't aimed at anyone in particular, but let's be respectful Guys, let's all just have a good episode today. All right? This isn't aimed at anyone in particular, but let's be respectful of each other's time. Let's be supportive of each other

when we say a funny idea and we sort of want to put it out there. And let's equally promote the podcast on social media. There you go. That's it. I think that's good. Are any of those aimed at you? Are any of those aimed at you? Are any of those aimed at you?

They're not, are they? That's a problem. Right. So where should we start, James? I'm fucking out. I want to know about this haunted house, but I think we should probably hear a bit about Sunil's cultural highlights before we get onto the haunted house, but I think we should probably hear a bit about Sunil's cultural highlights

before we get onto the haunted house. Sunil, so what have you, give us, you're a man about town that lives in the most exciting city in the world. Sorry, Blackpool. So what's going on in London? What exciting thing have you been up to i mean honestly i haven't done much since my holiday i'd bet i this i think this is quite interesting i um i found a worm in my

room uh like an earthworm and uh my my flatmate that's my cultural highlight worm in room i don't know how it got in my flatmate was like walked into my room and went there's a fucking worm on the floor and I said no there isn't shut up

I thought it was a shoelace look down there's just an earthworm just writhing on a laminate floor so you've got laminate in your bed have you got laminate in your bed yes it's laminate wooden laminate floor

and I think it's because I've got a door to the garden from my room I assumed when I left it open an hour before that, it had crawled in for some reason. Must have been so confused.

But is there other things going around your head? No, that didn't go through my head. I was just like, that worm shouldn't be there. But the thing is, I'm quite scared of worms, so I had to get my flatmate to get it out. So she went to the bathroom, got some toilet paper, picked up worm, and then flung it. She didn't drop it out the door.

She threw it up in the air, and then it just splat on the ground like spaghetti like cooked spaghetti on ceiling yep that's done yeah and then it just splat on the floor and then just crawled off across the patio like there's no earth there's no earth around it i don't know what it's doing here anyway it got in my room i don't know how i'm a bit shaken by it i mean it's upvc doors and windows it shouldn't be getting in that way uh unless someone leaves them open and that was that's on me you've trumped it in aren't you oh that's what i'm worried about have i have i trumped it in because i've got quite a big tread on my shoes you got big tread you've been out there smoking smoking having a bang on your having a bang on your vape and you've gone out and you've

gone back in and you brought it in. That's it. It's not come out of me. It has to be. Otherwise, only other option is, two options. One, it's come out of you. Two, your flatmate done it. Yeah, that's what it is.

She's done it on purpose. She brought in Worm to undermine me, scare me, and then, I don't know, fucking, I don't know, take my crypto? Take your crypto. Step one. It's that modern London flat show equivalent of that horse's head in the bed. That's what it is, isn't it?

Worm on floor. Worm on floor. So there's that, and also I went to see the new monkey film at IMAX. What new monkey film? Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes. Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes, yeah. Did we talk about this last time? I think we talk about, in this week,

like, because we record these every two weeks, there is really the storytelling, the great storytelling mechanic of, so they'll go, I'm going to go see this film. And then we, and then we catch up with him and he has been to see that film.

It's exciting, isn't it? No, I didn't enjoy it. I, this one is like i think almost 90 monkey and like i don't really i just can't get on board with 90 monkey if it's monkey film do you know i mean it's about it's night it's about the monkeys scared of worms hates monkeys

i don't hate monkeys i'm scared of worms i'm scared of monkeys as well to be honest but i'm interested in seeing how they create a kingdom a lot of questions if you have one in your room i have one in a room wearing a little wearing a little dress i did a podcast a few years ago but and uh there were three of us three of us guesting on it and they asked us like you know what what one thing would you change about school the school system it's a comedy podcast so you know i wrote down something funny and i had it in my hand to read out and they went round i was last the first person said i'd make sure there was more support to stop bullying in school so that kids could have you know for like avoid that issue and you know why are you laughing already i'm sorry okay so do you know where this is going

like there's too many it's too many mad dots out. I can start to see a general trajectory of where this is going. And I'm excited. It's like, we'll just do everything we can to cut out bullying in schools so that people can live fuller lives and not be affected with trauma as they get older. And I just looked down at my piece of paper and I thought, oh, fuck. I didn't, I just, I was just panicking so hard. And then I was hoping the second one would be something funnier. And the second one was like, yeah, we should

actually ban all public schools so that everyone gets a similar standard of education. No one's better than everyone else. Everyone has a similar start in life so that we can achieve more equal society. And I was like, yeah, I'm fucked here. And then they were like, what was the one thing you'd change? To me, they were like, what would you, what was the one thing you change to me? They're like, what would you change about the school system? And I just read it off my bit of paper, just disassociated in my head.

And I just thought I'll just read it out, pretend I'm not here. And I said, I think every baby should be given a monkey. At which point, Alistair Campbell spat out his coffee. And the rest, as they say, is politics. Sorry, what do you mean by that?

And I was like, oh, I think... Sorry, what do you mean by every baby should be given a monkey? And I was like, oh, I think it'd be good for children to learn how to, i sort of like you know look after it like learn about life and death and then i'm oh yeah that's a good point yeah i did sort of get away with it but yeah it's not a good point there's so many instances i really love reading stories like people get these chimpanzees and like basically mistreat them by make it basically dressing them up in little clothes, putting them in the human world. And what they don't, these people with too much money don't realize is like, I don't know, like Justin Bieber, Justin Bieber had a chimpanzee and he tried to take it. It took the state of Germany to say no

to Justin. He tried to take a chimpanzee into Germany. You shouldn't have a chimpanzee. That's a terrifying animal to own. A baby chimpanzee is as strong as an adult human man. So like a fully grown chimpanzee, they can remove your face with no, with no like, it's terrifying.

So yeah, let's give one to a baby. I didn't, I didn't mean a chimp. You might as well put a fucking gun in its crib. I didn't mean a chimp. I meant like, you know, like a spider monkey or something, but they're equally vicious. Oh, yeah.

Manobo. Anyway, so I am a fan of monkeys. That's what I'm trying to say. But monkey film had too many monkeys in it for me. Couldn't really relate. And that was it. That's all I'm saying. Thinking about taking my son to see it,

like we're on half term week. So it's just like, I've got him for one day this week. So I'm going to go to the cinema. Do you know what I mean? Low key dad in and off that. Yeah. I mean,

it's a good action film, but yeah, it's absurd. Those are my cultural highlights, worm and monkey film. What have you been up to? Right. I've got a little thing, two things.

I've got, oh no, I've got lots of little things. One, house update. We have one room finished. It has got pug sockets, it's painted, it's been plastered, it's got carpet. The only thing we need to do is sort out a blind, but my son has a little bedroom and he's in it now. And he immediately snuck up there to play Nintendo Switch without permission.

And I went in, I went in and joined a new room. And he hid the Nintendo Switch and picked up a book the wrong way around. And I was like, I was like, I was like, this is great. But I didn't come down on him too hard because I was like. Jeremy Clarkson's autobiography, Upside Downography upside down yeah yeah i just made it this i really love that bit where he punched that lefty junior producer whatever but so we've got one room that don't worry the house the hell house is coming along when are we allowed to visit 2026 i need another i need i need i need two years to run up before it's acceptable for guests.

I've taken a route over a room where all the plasters falling off. And I started putting my Edinburgh show notes up the wall. It looks like a madman's house. Can you give us a video tour of it on the Patreon? Yeah. Big time. I like that. Yeah.

Nice. Can I have access to the Patreon? Cause I don't have that. Yeah. I don't want you asking questions about it, but I'll give you yeah, nice. Can I have access to the Patreon? Because I don't have that. Yeah. I don't want you asking questions about it, but I'll give you access to it. We're going to have to kill Fakes and Ill then. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What does that mean? What do you mean? You're not in the group. There's someone been in there. And it's just been, like, I've been like, yeah, this is so-and-so. But yeah, it's crazy that he keeps asking for everyone's CVVs. I was going to ask about,

is the witch's broomstick still outside your house? I didn't want to get rid of it. It might be going eventually. I don't think my wife's keen on it. I read up on it. It's like a white witch type manoeuvre to sweep away. Apparently it's to sweep away like bad intent. But another version I've heard is it is to sweep away gossip.

Do you know what I mean? Really? And I don't want people talking about me because they'll probably say that I'm a knobhead. I'm no expert, but I would say if you don't want people talking about you, don't hang a witch's broomstick above your door that's that's just one way of getting people to talk about your less because they'll probably say they'll probably say that's the witch's house if i was a witch i'd keep my

fucking head down just like normal just make a house out of sweets just normal house out of sweets it's a spooky house and now i've now we're recording this at night i've noticed on the camera it's fully dark turn the light on i don't want so i like it it's like no because you'll be able to see that crime victorian show don't you i'll tell you what you will be able to see absolutely banging feature ceiling hot pink it's got all there about so just it's called dusty dusty pink or something like that i've got that but there's another i my son's been out, it's half term, so my son's been out playing with his friends,

but he's basically told us that, and this is very cute, but also a little bit disconcerting, but him and his mates have been into a local abandoned haunted house. Yes. We've had to play it very cool because, well, we don't want to, like this is not fine, but what we don't want to do is, he's told us about it. So we want to play it kind of cool.

So he doesn't basically do it and hide it from us. Do you want to push it underground? He's been in a haunted house. He got scared. He got too scared to go in the first time, bless him. So he thought, but he's been in another time and they're recording what they're finding there for TikTok. And they shouldn't be on TikTok

because they're like seven, eight, nine years old. But apparently, I haven't seen the footage yet, but apparently what they found is a dead body and a gun. So this is a breaking body and a gun. This is a breaking news story. I'll have more on it. And you're not going to investigate. No.

Right. No, actually. Yeah. Yeah. Just someone's dead. Dead body and a gun. No, not for me.

Someone's dead in an abandoned house. Probably had it coming. Loaded gun in there. Nah, don't touch that. Probably a log burner inspector. Had it coming. So this is very new, so I'll find out more information about this

and keep everyone posted. Yeah, great. I've got two other bits of breaking news to update you on. One, this is just a little thing. Oh, let me, I'm going to find it now and send it to you. Right. So a couple of weeks ago, I was in Wales. Yeah.

Heard of it? Yes. Nice. Lucky. Yeah. I was in rural Wales. I did the comedy festival. That was a lot of fun.

But then for a couple of days after the comedy festival, I stayed on in rural Wales. I did the comedy festival. That was a lot of fun. But then for a couple of days after the comedy festival, I stayed on in rural Wales to film a short film that was written by and directed my good friend, Benjamin Partridge, who is Beef and Dairy Network slash Free Bean Salad. And I got, it was him and Mike Wozniak and my friend, Sammy Dobson, which is good. Like that, but that is not what this is.

I'm not just saying I am busy. It is a job. I'm trying to find for this short film. We stayed over in a very eerie Welsh Airbnb. I didn't need to say Welsh again. Yeah, that doesn't come back into part of the story. Right. Can't just end a phobia.

So I've just sent you a picture in the WhatsApp chat. Don't look at it immediately. So we stayed in this eerie Airbnb that was, if ever you've seen it, you know, like Nana's dead. It's on the market to hire as an Airbnb within 48 hours of Nana dying. Yeah, the doilies are still warm, right? There's a lot of lace everywhere. There's a locked door.

It was perfect. We were literally in the middle of nowhere. It was perfect for what we needed it to be. My friend Sammy was a very funny comedian from Newcastle, also now just in casualty. So she popped up, they film it in Cardiff, she popped up. And next to this house, there was a field where we parked this car, which had like a dilapidated, nightmarish looking caravan.

So I was like, and it was full of horseflies, those horseflies that bite, but we were waiting for people to get into the accommodation. So I was like, let's just do a funny photo shoot of us stood next to this horrible caravan. Do you know what I mean? Anyway, I took that.

I took a picture of Sammy posing outside of this caravan. She took a picture of me. Now look at that picture that I've sent you and let me know when you see it. Oh God. Yeah.

Was it a cat? Just have a look around that picture. Look at the window. Which one? The window to my left to the right of the picture. Yeah, curtains,

a little sort of cat's eye thing between two vases. Yeah. What do you think that is? Just a sort of decoration on the wall? No, because I'll send you a second picture,

which was taken in the same thing, and there's nothing there. I'll send you to it in a minute. You might want to edit a bit of this. Don't dare out, James. Well, the listener could do what I'm doing, which is checking out some of them links, and they'll send.

Well, looking at brilliant, brilliant links. affiliate links I mean whatever it is isn't that spooky it just looks like a sort of mad drawing of a lion's head I was a little initially spooked

by that urn because that looked a bit like a weird clown with shining eyes and then I zoomed in on that and was shocked by the the two eyes and then looks like a ring light so maybe this ghost is a youtuber oh i see what you're saying chris it doesn't turn up in that shot but there's all right i thought it was it scared me at the time it is quite scary i wouldn't want to be in that fucking house what

do you think that is it's like a leopard's head or something. Yeah. Maybe it's a cat. Maybe it's a cat, but it looks... It is spooky. Yes, that's the reaction that I was going for when I sent it. Sorry, yeah. It's spooky, but it's like I'm not, you know, it's something that isn't scary. It's just like, well, why would you try and scare me with a lion's head?

Yeah, something to think about. There you go. So that's me. Sorry, I know you wanted more. That is freaky. That's really scary. That's not bad. He's a good actor, isn't he?

No. Did you go inside? No. Do you want me to talk about the worm I found again? Right. How is that going to work audio-wise, do you think, that last bit? Just for the description, for the audio described thing, a picture of Chris sat outside a dilapidated caravan.

In the window are three objects. One looks like a ceramic urn. Another looks like a ring light or a toilet seat. And then in between that is what looks like a cat's head peeking out from the darkness. Pretty spooky. Can I just jump in? It looks like a cat's head peeking out from the darkness. Pretty spooky. Can I just jump in? It looks like a demon from hell. That's where we should have started.

That's where we should have started because I think the fact that it's a cat could be a lot less scary and interesting. This demon is in a caravan in Wales. It was in a caravan in Wales. In a Welsh Airbnb. How much is that per night then, that Airbnb? I didn't book it. It was the organiser's

responsibility. Maybe ask Ben Partridge to get an update for a future episode. Yeah, sure. Also, breaking news story as of tonight. Yeah. Do you remember we talked about the Investigations Guild from Certain Citizens? Oh yeah.

The gin cans. The gin cans. So, as of tonight, as we are recording this. Do you want to give us a quick recap of what you were? Yeah. Yes, that's a good point. So in an earlier episode, I have basically joined a guild of concerned citizens who investigate light mysteries. It's a vigilante group.

I'm in a vigilante mystery solving group that are concerned with crimes in and around our village. About littering. Littering crimes. Yeah. About littering, about CCTV. Basically, if you transgress against the people of my village without permission, a team of mostly middle-aged citizens are going to take you to task and spend a disproportionate amount of time. These are all self-employed people and retired people. Do you know what I mean? We will throw lots of time during the day at trying to figure out who this is. Marvel's the busybodies. Yeah. And I played them the episode where we talked about it and they did not like the dots that producer James was joining up.

As we got to, originally the group was set up to find out who put up these, who was mysteriously surveilling the people with CCTV cameras. Turned out to be the mate. And then by the end, we're trying to find out who's littering in our village. So we're looking at setting up CCTV cameras. So James, James loved joining those two dots up. It's like Batman said. What? Robin, fuck off.

You either, you either die the hero or you live long enough to put up your own CCTV cameras. But right. So basically what's happened is we've been ruthlessly, relentlessly between us patrolling the same stretch of road where it happens. Yeah. We've got a receipt. We're looking for five gin cans,

isn't it? It's four, it's three to four gin cans and a tin of Monster. Okay. Yeah. So basically someone who lives on that street, who's part of the investigation, has figured out that another resident

has set up their own CCTV to keep an eye on their door. Yeah. And we've positioned the cameras. So basically on his CCTV camera, we've caught the car. Oh, right. And we've got footage.

We've got footage of it. Like, it's just turning the bend, but you can see a box of gin being thrown out. Great. And it's the day we found a box. So we've got them. What we can't see in this picture is the CCTV, but we have got enough to go off to basically get the colour and the make of the car. So it's a beep, obviously.

You can't see the licence plate, you mean? We can't see the licence plate, but we know it's a beep. So basically we got that like this is a few days ago. We've got footage of the littering happening. We've got a vague idea of a time and we've got like a make and model of the car. As of tonight, just before we came in the recording we've like we patrolled the road we've seen the car basically we didn't see them

throwing the rubbish out this time but there was rubbish on the road when they drove through we've got the car we've got the license plate great now what passed it on to the police well sorry have you got a motive yet what why would you smash four tins of gin while you drive while you're driving motive absolute legend sorry don't drink drive don't drink drive no come on i think that's i would like to say that's important look after yourselves don't drink drink drive look after yourselves look after each other don't drink drive there you go the the three yourselves, look after each other, don't drink, drive. There you go. The three tenets of this podcast.

Yeah. So we've got that, passed it on to the police. Police said, I mean, I was skeptical about this anyway. You know, no disrespect to the police,

but they're under-resourced and incompetent. So, so they don't, they, unless, basically we told them, and initially they seemed excited, but they're not going to do anything unless we know where the car is going.

So I was like, we've got a green light to follow this person. That's not what they mean by that. That's, that's kind of what they're feeling. The vibe. No, no.

What are you going to do? Fit a tracker? What are we going to do? Fit a tracker? Well, if you've got the license plate, you can find out who owns the car. How?

They do obscure that because you can't just go on the DVLA and be like, who drives this car? Look up where they lasted their MOT. Find out when it's due. Stake out the garage for a couple of weeks beforehand. Columbo it. So this could take us into, if it's just had it done,

this could take us into, if it's just had it done, this could take us into 2025. We've already been on the MOT service. Yeah. And we've got, so it's, oh my God. What?

MOT valid until 3rd of July. Whoa, we're in business. We are in business. He's done it. Get the whole team on it now if I'm honest with you at this point

it does feel like it's getting out of control do you know what I mean why do you think that Chris I don't know because the police have basically given us

the police have given us a green light to a cost to scam they haven't given you anything the police have said listen we can't do it we're busy doing what police do. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Which is, do you know what I mean? Like stopping people protesting and stuff like that. Sorry, are you still looking at the DVLA website? Stop it. No, I'm off. I'm off. What did he have wrong with the car last time?

I haven't been in it. I've got someone else did it. We got a screen grab, so I can't go in later. Should I put else did it we got a screen grab so I can't I could go in later should I put in the rural concerns Patreon group should I put a picture of the lighters plate James yes or no

no absolutely not what are you talking about you fucking unbelievable don't drag everyone into this okay I just think everybody

could help us and we could set up a we could set up like a sort of human blockade do you want them coming to your house Do you want them coming to your house? Do you want them coming to your house? What if it's a bigger boy than you? But justice is very important to me.

You're going to need something bigger than a witch's broom. What if he's a unit and he's got mates? He's a big lad. I'm protected by the witch's broom. No, Chris. I'm protected. You like fantasy fiction. I'm protected by the middle-aged people. I've got like, I'm protected I'm protected you're like fantasy fiction I'm protected by the middle aged people

I've got like I'm covered right well what's the next step for you guys what's the next step for the group

I've never seen I've never seen producer James look more disappointed in me and I during the making of this podcast

I've said so many things that I feel the same do you know what During the making of this podcast, I've said so many things that I feel the same. Do you know what? I would like to stop talking about this now. And what's going to happen is going to happen. And I will report back when we have got Tim. Great.

Great. Do let us know when that happens in July 2024. You'll know because I will be missing. I will be missing from the records because I'll be doing a two stretch for stalking Alright let's move on from illegality. What shall I do what shall we do James? I think we should do

the role play. Well obviously in the previous episode we talked a bit about camping something that has got everybody very excited, like a lot of memories about camping, a lot of camping based anecdotes coming my way. Obviously you expressed, I wouldn't say,

would I call it a contempt for camping and the world of camping? Me? Well, I mean, I've done it. I'm done with it. I wouldn't do it again. Not a contempt.

I mean, you know, fair play to you. That's why I say live and let live, look after each other. I'm done with it. I wouldn't do it again. Not content. I mean, you know, fair play to you. That's why I say live and let live. Look after each other. Don't drink, drive. Fuck off walls. Fuck off walls.

So I thought what we could do to make, and as well, some of the listeners, do you know what I mean? We get people, there's a couple of guys listening to this from Russia. There's some Americans. Is there? Yeah, we, do you know what I mean?

This podcast consistently charts into the Cayman Islands. Where are you going with this? I don't know whether these places have got camping or not. They've got VPNs. Yeah, it might be that. Don't distract him, Sunil. It was in the middle of succinctly. I was so succinctly launching into that.

There's a lot of people listening to this from overseas who might not know about camping the world of camping the experience of camping so i thought what better way to illustrate it than with a piece of device theater that harnesses my critically lauded world building skills it's like ties this is tie then in education theater in education yeah so i'm going to teach you and you, Sonil, about camping via device theatre. So James, this is, I'm so sorry if you're going to have to do something, get off the tabs, but we're looking at using the Soundbank library

to set the scene of camping. I think we've got a bird song at the minute, yeah. So we've got a bird song, you know, like, tweet, tweet, tweet, maybe there's a sheep in the background. Bah! Bah! Oh, that was loud. That is loud.

If you could find that in the sound bank. Yeah, I found it. And maybe intermittently, sausages. Sound Bank. Yeah, I found it. And maybe intermittently, sausages. Let him deal with that, Chris. Just let him deal with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, we're looking to create... I am dealing with it, Sunil.

We're looking to create the mise en scene of camping in a field. Sunil, you are playing a heightened version of yourself that is going camping for the first time in a field. So now you are playing a heightened version of yourself that is going camping for the first time in a long time and you are arriving at the field where you're going to pitch your tent. Here we go. I think we should have a bell to ring

when we do devised theatre. James, can you ring the bell? Bong. There you go. Bong. There it is. Bong. Right. So I'm walking into a field go. Bong. There it is. Bong. Right.

So I'm walking into a field now. The theatre bell has been rung. The theatre bell has been rung. So who am I talking to? Yeah, but would you say, like, I'm walking in a field? I think you'd say, oh, this is a lovely field. Oh, sorry. Right.

Yeah. Bong. Bong. You're in it now. You're in it now. This is D&D. Bong. Shut up.

I'm saying it. Bong. Oh, what a lovely day. Lovely field. Nice to be out in the countryside and be in it now. This is D&D. Bong. Shut up. I'm saying it. Bong. Oh, what a lovely day. Lovely field. Nice to be out in the countryside night and be in the open. Looking forward to pitching my tent, actually. Wonder where I should pitch it. Oh, hello, fellow camper.

It's me. I'm a camper too. Oh, what's your name? My name's Roger the camper. And I just caught you looking at this one. It's a Berghaus tent. That's two and a half grand's worth of tent, that is. Wow.

Yeah, it's really nice. Yeah, I don't think mine's anywhere near as special as that. Yeah, it's really good. I love camping. We come every single year. Me, my wife, my son. How much is it to pitch my tent here? Well, that's not really a question for me, a fellow camper.

That's more of an issue that you should take up with the farmer who owns the field. Where's the farmer, please? Oh, look. There he is now. Where? Hello. Are you the farmer? Is this the farmer?

Hello. Hello there. Yes, hello. It's me. Farmer Bugerton. How much does a pitch cost for my tent, please? I just introduced myself. My name is Farmer Bugerton and this is my field.

Thank you. Yeah, great. I'd love to pitch my tent here. How much is a pitch here? A pitch here for a boy like you from the city wearing lovely, lovely shoes. With little heels. Probably £75 a night.

What a bargain. Yeah, great. That sounds brilliant. Is it all right to put my tent just here? Yes, put it there. But be careful. You've got to keep your head down. I've got to keep my head down when I get in the tent.

I don't want a lovely... You have to remain clothed at all times. I don't want you to create... Clothed? Clothed. I don't want you to create a ruckus. Yes, I'll remain clothed. I promise you, I'll remain clothed for the whole... If you were to get out of your tent without a shirt on,

then there's a chance that over that wall, my prize bullock might see you and get, you know, get himself agitated. Well, that's fine. I'll find another campsite, I think, because there is a high chance I might leave with my top off. There's no campsites for a million miles. I'm sorry, I'll probably just head home.

It's just tarmac. Yeah, that's fine. I'll just get my car and go. Apart from farm and buggerton's field. No, you have to stay. It's important for the rest of the city. You have to stay. Okay, I will stay and I promise I'll keep my top on for my stay here.

If you're going to, you promised me you'll keep your top on. I have said that repeatedly, yeah. I'll keep my top on. But if by any chance you do go near that wall, the pheromones, the female pheromones off you, mate, coming from your London coffee

and your tiny little shoes. Tweet, tweet, tweet. What part of Ireland are you from, Father Begerton? I'm from wherever the James are. Wherever the James are? The James? Listen, please stop talking.

I'm trying to get to the point where I'm trying to talk about my bullock. Yeah? I'm trying to talk about my bullock. Right. Where are the showers? If the showers are in the main house, up the way,

please don't drive your car. I would prefer it if you walked to save the environment. The showers are available from 7am to 10pm. They're just outside the main house. Don't go into the main house. And don't go into the room in the attic because there's... Are you still Irish, Farmer Burgerton?

I'm from the farms all over the place. I've got a prize bullock and a forbidden room in the top of my house. What? It's their electricity. in the top of my house. Right. What? Is there electricity? This is a question I've got written down to ask you. Is there electricity? In a field.

What's that you stood on? It's a mushroom. I don't see plug sockets in the field. You're not in West Hampstead now, sir. No way. You need to stay away from the bullock.

If the bullock comes upon you, all engorged, you've got to get down on your hands and knees. And you have to tug it off. You have to relieve it. Otherwise it'll stomp your tent and your family. Can we just have a timeout? Can we just step outside of the scene briefly?

Shall I ring the theatre bell? Ring the theatre bell briefly. No, no, no, we haven't done yet. There's a little bit extra. I think it's important that our listeners understand why it's important not to aggravate a prize bullock. Right, let's step back into the scene. Why is it important not to aggravate the bullock because if it's randy

it will go through the dry stone wall and it'll stamp your tent with you inside it in an effort to fill you up to the eyeballs with its pride seed okay so you need need to, if the bullock is randy, you need to tug it off, which is why I'm giving you this bucket. Right, but it will only get randy. We can't cast a seed. We can't lose a single drop of that prize bullock. Sorry, farmer Buggeton, just one second. The bull will only be Randy if I take my top off.

Is that what you're saying? Well, I can just see a little V of chest hair, and it's getting me going something chronic. Right. So if I put on this polo neck jumper I've got and leave it on for the weekend, I should be fine, right? You should be fine.

But you please tell me, what must you do if the bullock is randy? Must tug it off into this bucket. And don't spill a single drop. I just fail to see how this is my job. I just want a pitch for my tent. I mean, if you've got this bullock and it's causing this much hassle,

then you shouldn't be renting out your field because bullock sperm this is educational so bullock sperm has many uses one it's expensive stuff that can be used to lube the wheels of a tractor. That's not true, though, is it? It's not important stuff if it's not true. I have it in my coffee. It's better than gold-topped milk. There you go. And scene.

So, we're back to that one. Does everybody feel like they've learned something? Well, I've learned absolutely nothing. You just made that all up. That's based on these guided improv. Obviously, we can't predict where they go. These guided improv. We can't.

Absolutely not guided. It's absolutely failed. We can't predict. Ignore any questions and move on. Start talking about bullcum go on tell us why you think it's important

for listeners we can't predict where the guided improv is going to go but when we get there I put a lot of research into this so that they know that it's exciting stuff you know what I mean it's like education thank you

for taking us through that guided improv Chris you're welcome I'll ring the theatre bell now I think rate review and rate us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify I guess five stars would be ideal try not to mention Farmer

Buggerton in any of the reviews yeah there's one of the I've Yeah. That's a, there's a, there's a kid, one of the champ. Yeah. There's, I've got a feeling that I think that's definitely it for Farmer Bugerton now. Really?

I don't think, I don't think he'll be back at all. Wink. I think he's in a Farmer Bugerton. Cause this is a podcast about rural issues. Farmer Bugerton is an essential tool for us to illustrate the rural world to our city's looking friends. Yeah, no, it's good. Why is he Irish?

He's sort of not really. He's sort of a traditional farmer from everywhere. Traditional farmer from everywhere. All right, then. Let's leave that at that. Let's leave that at that. Let's leave that at that. Rural Concerns was produced by Egg mountain for a lovely time productions. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and our music.

Yeah, it's Sam O'Leary. We've also got a Patreon. Go on there. If you want access to our discord server, which I've just found out about today, it's been going for a bit. I imagine there'll be some sort of chat on there with other listeners.

And I assume Chris will be very active on there because he's not got much else on. Give us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts and Spotify and leave a little review as well, if you like. Oh, that's lovely. Very succinct. And can I just add to that very quickly? We also have a lovely person who's been listening to set up a no context, verbal concerns account.

Oh yeah, that's account. Oh yeah. Everyone thought it was me, but they're just like taking quotes from the episodes and turning them into minimalist, very elegant pieces of design, which is an absolute delight. And also we've just, everything purple strawberry has done is like a bespoke bit of cross stitch.

No, I'll have a look. I'll check it out. What does it say? Is this like words? It's like a little cross-stitch design of a sheep and it says it has too many teats. Right.

And Purple Strawberry, follow them on social media, on Twitter, but basically they do lots of comedy podcast related cross-stitch designs. So it's just lovely to be immortalized in that way. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. James, have you got anything to say?

No, that was great. Thanks very much. Really looking forward to editing that. My mother-in-law hates it, but she dresses it up by coming in and going, I like it.