Rural Concerns - Shoplifting, sheaths & the tip challenge

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

In this incredibly puerile episode Sunil enjoys a cream cake, James just wanted some eggs and Chris apparently sends too many messages! The lads also issue a new challenge that’s set to become an obsession for the middle aged. Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. You can now listen to the second half of our live show, The Feast of the Dignitary, on Patreon! When a once promising anthropologist is invited to witness a secretive rural festival he’s thrust into a dangerous world of cursed mushrooms, quad bikes and vicious monkey discharge. Thanks to all the listeners who came to Chris’ tour! He’s got dates in Barnard Castle (March 22nd) and Chorley Little Theatre (May 17th). Grab your tickets here.  Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and the music is by Sam O’Leary. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello and welcome to Rural Concerns, a podcast about countryside issues, urban sprawl and what happens to the human body as it gradually degrades. My name is Chris. I'm wearing shit-flecked wellies and waterproofs as befitting a country gent. I'm Sunil, son of the city, and I'm wearing exactly what the Pope wears. And I'm producer James, and I'm wearing a T-shirt that has a QR code on it that when scanned takes you to a website that's just a photograph of an older stern- looking man wearing the uniform of an American general. He started next to what looks like a six foot tall mushroom with an eye.

The sentient shroom is clearly terrified. And we're just free old mates who talk and talk and talk. I don't know if I delivered that as written. Oh, you saw. Are you going to do the rest of your postcode? No, everyone knows you get the full postcode on the Discord. I think we've talked about this before,

but the generational thing of older people not using SatNavs. Oh, yeah, yeah. Can't be doing with it. Well, they also didn't use postcodes when I was very, very young. I go large and I just do house number, postcode. That's all you need, mate. Yeah, that's right. That is kind of all you need, yeah.

And you know what? You don't need to put a space in a postcode. No, we know that. So you just said, so pure maximum efficiency. You said, give me your address. I just need the number and the postcode. Do you want, now what i do for information which i noticed a lot of people don't do but you know if you like giving someone information like that

that you know they will need to put it into a website or like a mapping app or something like that i very very like thinking thinking of someone else i say here's the information send send the information in its own little ping of a message so that they can copy and paste that without a without having to take a block of text yes and boil it down it's very difficult in like your whatsapp apps to you can't copy bits of a message, can you? You have to copy the message wholesale. That's right. I see your conversations on WhatsApp.

I don't understand what you're talking about. You're using terms I've never really used before, like edit. Like social media and a minute 36, can you take out that reference to assassinating someone? Let me go to the WhatsApp now. Don't go to the WhatsApp now. Three messages before now is a screenshot of James's Pizza Express gold membership.

So I don't really know what important work is taking place behind the scenes. Actually, that brings us to my favourite part of the show, which is my Pizza Express journey. Is that a regular part of the show now? Which I began at the, well, I mentioned it at the very start, probably about second

or third episode. Who's got a motorbike there? Which one of you's got? That sounds like it should come from me, not you. It wasn't a motorbike, it was two. So I think that was a tractor.

It was a helicopter. No, was it a... Past I think that was a tractor. It was a helicopter. Oh, was it a tractor? Past my house, could be tractor, could be someone that size. Do you know, I feel we have barely touched on the fact... Could be that motorcycle gang coming for you finally. We have barely touched upon the fact that my house is very close to...

CIA black site, M O M O D private facility. Is it? You have mentioned it a couple of times. Yeah, but we haven't really gone into the, into the prospect of what could be inside it. Yeah.

Don't, well, don't doxy solve too much. I mean, I actually don't know where your house is, but I was on a map of the area and I, I think I found it. Even, even. Even aerial.

Yeah. I think I found the sold price as well. Oh. No, I'm joking. He got really worried. He did get worried there. I did get worried. You don't need to know.

But it's very easy. If you know where someone lives, you can just track the history of the house. Yeah. But all the houses in my village are selling for an amount of money. And it silly because it's what houses sell for but it's definitely jumped up a lot and i think the more it's happened the more it's like hang about we did we can't we're like working to pay the mortgage and stuff but it's like the the more we look at it the more it's like okay we got in at the right time with a good deal it's leaking

it's falling to bits it's stuff like that but we wouldn't have been able to afford them in the way that they're selling for in the in the village why are people moving there have you brought value to the area well yeah there's a lot of radio for fans no i don't it's because why do you think why do people move there well i mean in terms of like i've been there it's nice enough but i mean not to the house but you've been to the area you've been invited to your home no i i just don't i i mean i'm surprised that it's going up everyone's going up i'm also on a bit of a hill we're also in a sort of do you know what i mean i think people are buying houses based on anticipating what places are going to be sort of decent for, you know, climate collapse.

Well, James, you're just nodding along as if he said something sensible. I don't know anyone that's buying a flat in London based on what's going to happen when the Thames barrier explodes. No, but they're not. But people are like, I've got to secure some high ground land. That's why they're buying it on the third floor. Oh, but what if your hill is under sea level? Think about it. That's's bad that's real bad i don't think there are many hills that are below current sea level and by the nature

of them being a hill they've got to be no but it could be a hill in the middle of a valley do you see what i'm saying i wonder if there are any of those actually. Geographers assemble. Geographers from Australia could let us know if there's any area of England that is naturally below sea level, because most of it would have to be below sea level in order to have a hill. That's right. That was still, well, that was barely a meter above sea level.

Yeah. Basically we're looking for England's dead sea. Yeah. We're going to just, you know, like, come back, like go away internet people, come back to us with the information we desire. Yeah. Easy searches like that.

The thing is the cities are becoming, you know this, London is becoming inhospitable. To who? To humans. Oh, right. I see, yeah. Because a lot of the, like the museums, like they're not really as good as he used to be anymore.

And the smokes and the smokes, but the smoke's bad. Is it? I went to a museum exhibition. Yeah. The museum's giving people giving like little kids, like long issues and stuff. And I went,

sorry, the museum museum is kids. I got confused. I got confused. The smoke vapes again. That's what the smoke is doing. museum is giving kids lung issues. I got confused. You're talking about vapes again, aren't you? That's what the smog is doing. You're talking about ice vapes. I went to an exhibition last year at Somerset House

that was like, it was about horror. Not fit for human consumption. No, but it was just like some stuff that Noel Fielding had. But it was a museum exhibition. Do you know like... What was the exhibition? It was like, I meant to be about like horror. Do you know when you go was a museum exhibition. Do you know, like, some pictures... What was the exhibition? It was meant to be about, like, horror. Do you know when you go to a museum and the people, artists...

Yeah. Artists have a talent that are not necessarily the person that you would turn to for information on the subject, except that they're, like, sort of deceptive. Right. Do you know what I mean? I went to this exhibit. It was about what does horror mean in a digital age and what does identity mean no somerset house has got me

on one of them before it's like what what is what does cute mean and i went there it's just loads of fucking cat photos didn't you find out a bit of interesting thing about the original cat memes were from like the 1800s come on i did actually i it back. I was just joining in slagging off galleries and museums. Basically, Chris led me astray. Sorry, James. This exhibit was just like some mucky, it was some mucky mags from the city. It was about, there was a general thread of like,

cute identities getting more fractured. What's mucky mags got to do with horror? No, exactly. It was like mucky mags from the 60s, a bondage suit and some stuff that had been in Noel Fielding's house. And I was like, London, this is not good enough. You took your son to that? No, no, no.

I went on my own to be like, you know, I was like there for 24 hours, killing time. So I was like, well. Better go see the Mucky Mag exhibition. The Mucky Mags got me through the door. But the concept, that identity is fractured. I reckon 20, 30 years time, I'll do an exhibition of like a whole collection

of Chris's Mucky Mags. That'll be a big event in London. I'll do an exhibition that is every, like my photographic memory for when I've been slighted by people, including you too. And I'll make an exhibition of every, every WhatsApp message you've said where I'll take umbrage with it. You know what I mean?

I'll curate it into a giant wall and it looks like a wall of what's this busy wall. You zoom in. It's like when you say, maybe you could try to finish some of your sentences and stuff like this. I've never said that, ask James. But you'll notice that WhatsApp message on that wall would be like one cohesive paragraph.

And then there's another room watching that. It's a giant 10 foot by 10 foot oil painting of James. And just above it, it just says, bastard. And you can buy that. You can buy that in the gift shop big speech bubble yeah uh welcome to the show thanks can we get back to my petri express journey or oh sorry yes please so sorry jim's yeah i'll be honest it did so i was like i don't know why that's it i didn't know why that was in it like that was a bit of a curve ball,

but it was good to see. So do you want to say, do you want to give the listener the context of Beats of Express? Well, the Eagle Memory listeners will remember. Oh, he stood up. Chris has stood up.

I think he's gone. He's just gone. I'm getting a pint of water so I can listen to James's story. I mean, it wasn't, it's not, it isn't that much. It's not as good as

CIA Black Sites. I'm going to mute my mic so I can have a vape. Go on, James. It was just that I joined Pizza Express app for the rewards at the advice of Sunil and I've done that and only using

Pizza Express's bought from supermarkets I've now become a gold level member of pizza express. Yeah, that's pretty good, man. Yeah. I never, I've not been in a pizza express.

How does it know that you've bought a pizza in the supermarket? How does that work? You got to scan the QR code that's on the packet. So I hope so. You like Friday night. I'm getting the p i'm getting the i'm having a good time i would say that a pizza express pizza is not a monday to thursday or pizza that you have in the freezer is it in your house there's an extra caveat on that on

the back of this i'm only buying those pizza express pizzas when they're on offer at half price yeah of course full price they make absolutely no sense they're they're on offer at half price. Yeah, of course. Full price. They make absolutely no sense. They're almost like 10 quid sometimes. They're like, yeah, they're six quid. Yeah. They're not massive. And they're security tagged often as well. In London.

Sad. Sad to say, actually. If you're going to freeze pizza, obviously, you finish the sentence. Chris's friend, Dr. Erkler. Italy's number one frozen pizza. We've talked about this before. The thing that I think with supermarkets,

seeing steaks in like security scan lockbox, it's one of those images where you think, oh yeah, we are in hell, aren't we? That's not nice. It's pretty bad. I did watch a documentary about that. I've never actually seen anyone shoplift in London, but I do like watching the videos of people do it. It's quite brazen now i don't like the the rhetoric around shoplifting

that is developing which is very the way that it's phrased is like this is something that just people that like beady-eyed criminals are up to it fails to frame it within the context that people are living in really people's situations are getting much work do you know what i mean like i'm not excusing criminality yeah i don't think when you see the shoplifting it's often it's not like people it's it's basically there's like gangs of people that basically try and just rinse as many gillette shavers as they can and then sell them at a market yeah but they need to eat then. Yeah, this is, they're the heroes.

They're the true Robin Hoods. I've lost my faith on that. I think I'm not pro shoplifting, but I'm somewhere in the middle. You're not into it. I wish it wasn't. And I don't, I think some people are just robbing and it's bad, but there's some people that are doing it because the circumstances are bad.

I think I'm fine. I think I'm bulletproof. I'm bulletproof on this. When did you last shoplift? And that's both of you. James, I'll let James go first. I might've inadvertently shoplifted some eggs because the barcode wouldn't scan.

I thought you were going to say, cause you got kids. It's like, you know, when kids are like, Oh no, I fully took, yeah, I took a full trolley out of the supermarket without paying i haven't slept for eight months yeah that's sort of a shoplifting is that i think that's very common

but you told us they're like impulse it was an accident i didn't realize they hadn't beeped i had headphones in this was like years ago when the tills first came in and it was before they had the idea to weigh what you were taking out. So it was opportunity. It wasn't working, Chris, and I needed those eggs. What for? Why do you know a needs eggs, James? It was pancake day.

James, what's that noise? Do-oo-oo. Get in. No, this is what this entire, congratulations, you have completed verbal concerns. This is the end of it. This is what the entire reason it existed, an elaborate sting operation.

For those eggs. It wasn't even a full dozen. I'm not condoning it. No, we're never condoning it. Just don't bring this up in court as your defence. We wouldn't dare condone it. But I think when you, you know, like when you do, like me and Sonno would have gone for, you know,

like do you want to do this advert, you know, for like a company and it's like, or a big brand or something. And then some of them it's like it's gambling and stuff like that. And then you think, no, I don't want to do a gambling ad. But if you take, and that's bad, but then you think, no, I don't want to do a gambling ad. But if you take, and that's bad, but if you take one step back from that threshold, pretty much all companies are like bad,

bad on like something, you know, like extract wealth extraction. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I might've talked about this already before. What?

Companies bad? Companies bad. Wealth. Like I think we might have talked about this already before. What, companies bad? Companies bad, welfare, like, I think we might have talked about, like, the... B, obviously. Fucking hell. Right, should we get to some sort of countryside update, Chris? What's going on?

I'm noticing you've put exclamation marks... On everything, man. ...against four of your five points. Oh, what? Let me just correct that now. I don't think that needs it. I don't think you need an exclamation mark next to switch two. I think that is a built-in exclamation mark,

and I've got some news. Can me and James choose what you talk about? Yeah. James, which one would you go for out of that list? Well, I'm going to save switch two for the end. Yeah. I'm intrigued by services hack. Yeah, I'm intrigued by services hack, exclamation mark.

Is it like my egg hack I just mentioned? Yeah, it is. And it's not actually me, and I need to be sort of careful. So I did a show in my village a few weeks ago. There is the sick countryside bit. Which was really good. Somebody who listens to the podcast came to the village hall. So I got to sit them in the pub after and have a natter.

It was a lad called Stu and his wife. And so we had a lovely chat. But because they were in the pub of the village, they were basically in the podcast. So I got to talk to them and be like, that's Dave the Cockney. Why is he up here? And that's my mother-in-law, that's my father-in-law.

And Dave the Cockney, he was chatting to this duo-assistant podcast and Dave was like, yeah, yeah, that's why none of us tell chris anything that happens anymore which is very funny but somebody in the village when we're in the pub basically tell me a story that they meet this is a hack that you can do a lot of shops meets a friend in a certain services and they've got the coffee is quite expensive in this services. So,

you know, helps herself along with the coffee card, you know, like realizing that they only do, there's no special way of doing this system. It's just an X, you know, so you just crossing it.

No stamp system. That's insane in this day and age. But then my... Obviously. She's been to the same one also as one of the cards from this place. And she does, in fact, have a stamp on. So I just bought one of the stamps. Of the dark net?

Yeah, where from? Of the dark net. Well, well if amazon what is it a stamp of little coffee bean whoa you've just that's a license to print money they've gone digital with those in london that you have to have a digital stamp now in a lot of places yeah but you just you just stand near it and wave your phone at it however many times you want. I never use coffee loyalty cards. I cannot be arsed. I did when I would go to Caffe Nero's all the time and sometimes they would just give you a double stamp and stuff, a little double tap to the head, yeah.

Because they don't care. Sorry, did you say double tap to the head? Yeah. Double tap to the head, one in the heart. Shout out, John. Shout out, collateral. Is that from collateral? You know, I can film that. All right, well, that's a great services hack.

That's a great services hack. The general running theme of this episode seems to be thievery. Yeah, but again, I did spend a solid five minutes setting up that I'm like people are victims who shoplift as opposed to criminals. No, it's not why I said all that. I'm a victim of having bought a house that's slightly beyond my means, but still liking the best coffee on the M6. Oh, he's bigger than my bank account, I'm sorry. But can you, because it's hard to get a parking space here, so can you handle this on your bottom line?

Because I know I can't. I wouldn't do any of this. It's all hypothetical actually it's all for comedy purposes and that's the end of act one of the play that we wrote yes

that's good James that's good very good yes James that's it this is the end of one of our silly stories I can imagine

we're the next set we're taking this on tour we're doing it in black box theatres up and down the country we have to put one of these on now we have to hire it in black box theaters up and down the country. We have to put one of these on now.

We have to hire out a black box theater in London to do a little play. Yes. Yeah. Great. We'll probably do it TIE because it's got a message. It's got a message. Yeah. Theater and education.

That is for anyone who just didn't get it. We should call it TIE is theater in education. It's the plays that you had at school. It's the plays that you had at school. It's the plays that you had at school. That's what it's called over here. I'm thinking specifically of people that listen on foreign shows who email us, you know. That Australian kid.

That Australian kid and an American lady. So we need to cater to them. But I had a Theatre in Education group come in that it was like, do you know, like it was just mad because it was a DJ set. You know, like it was a drum and bass DJ set. And everyone was like, this is like, it sort of got the vibe of an assembly, but it was actually just like banging sort of drum and bass house music.

It was wicked. Everyone was just dancing. There was a weird kid that won't play with anyone and kept biting people and everyone just danced around him, which wasn't kind. Was that the play? No, no. And then sort of at the end of it, it's just been...

Was that a kid from your school? That was a kid from my school. It wasn't the play. That was bullying, James. Oh, okay. Sorry. But, you know, at that age, you're like, Christ, thank God it's not me this afternoon. Oh, okay. Sorry. But you know, at that age, you're like, Christ, thank God.

It's not me this afternoon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the group doing the DJ and it actually had a message. They'd all had been affected by drugs, substance abuse, alcohol abuse in their lives. And they're like, look at this guy's teeth.

The DJ had no teeth. And that was, that was crack. That was crack. And he like, yeah. This is not. That's not. This is true. This is theatre and education in Bradford.

That's neither theatre nor education. But why, I get it, but why the drum and bass? Because they were DJs, because they were cool, because they were, I can't remember. It's just like, look how cool we are. Also, we took crack and lost our teeth. Because, no, they're not saying we're cool at all. They were just like, guys, whatever you think it's worth,

it's not worth messing with this stuff. Look at this guy with no teeth. It was a really nice message. Do you know what? This was a very long time ago. I can't remember the ins and outs. The most significant bit that has really stayed with me to this day is this DJ with no teeth.

You know what I mean? And you both know me. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a crackhead. It works. I'm not a crackhead. The system works. No,

you're not a crackhead man. Well done. If they'd have had someone come in, if they'd have had a comedian come in, it's theater and I'd just get, you. The system works. No, you're not a crackhead, man. Well done. If they'd have had someone come in, if they'd have had a comedian come in to theatre and I'd just get, you know, I'd be like, tell these kids how his life really is. Do you know what I mean, man? I don't think I'd be doing that today.

Do you know what I mean? Tell them about driving home at 1am. Driving home at 1am with an inflamed liver. I'd be like, I'm all right. Tell them about the fact that motorways are shut at 1am for some reason. I mean, it is connected to that thing that we talked about before, which is... My eggs.

Your eggs, you stealing. It was an accident. The myth that London is this 24-hour city, but all these places, they don't have the freedom to like the margins are so much tighter so like a lot

around the country it's like you would be hard pressed to find many places in most UK cities that are open past half ten

I mean the latest I've had a McDonald's on the motorway I mean I've managed to get one at 1am I think I think the Watford Gap Service's

McDonald's that's the latest one I've had to get one at 1am, I think. I think the Watford Gap Service's McDonald's. That's the latest one I've had. There are 24-hour McDonald's, but... Usually drive-through though, aren't they? They're not on the motorway. They're in dense urban environments. When there's a footfall, when it's like, well, let's just say it like it is, the kid's smoking weed in the car park at half twelve.

Staying their teeth. James, James, James, you can't edit that out. Me and Samuel doing the hard yards. This is, this is reportage for my life. Me showing up with a bum bag at one in the morning, having died on my ass in Darlington and just need it. I know I'm on a diet. Why have you got a bum bag?

He's got 50 different reward card stamps in there. diet. You've got a bum bag. He's got 50 different reward card stamps in there. It's got my journal. His wife packing him off with his coffee cards in it. It's got my coffee cards. It's got my alarm in case anyone tries to mess with me. What, your personal alarm? It's got my telescopic baton in case I've got any trouble. you know i mean these are what do not get into common bands and my armbands in case you need to

make a point it's got my stapler so i can staple the receipts together for that night's journey so i can hand them directly to my accountant it. This is the kit that you need to survive. It's a reflective blanket for if you get a bit shaken up. You put that on. Keep yourself warm. It's tinfoil, Sunil. It's just tinfoil. It's just tinfoil.

It's actual tinfoil. Is it actual tinfoil? Because it seems pretty sturdy. We're in Chris's bum bag. Oh, right. Oh, that was a look. That was an evil look. Who's he looking at?

I thought he was just looking at stuff on his laptop i was i was checking you both in being like he was imagining that big oil painting again there was a second figure yeah welcome to well you didn't think someone was in it welcome to the next room do you to nil did you have a tie theater in education that you can remember no we had a man coming in telling us not to get, like, STDs. Nice one. But then it was just quite a lot of graphic, it was just quite a graphic slideshow of, like, sort of oozing

penises. How many STDs did he have? He said, right, let's take a look at this. This is how it works. Pulled his trousers down. This is how it works in Bradford. You can only do the presentation if you've

personally been affected by the issue. No, I don't know who he was. He wasn't a doctor, that's for sure. Some of the terms he used. Knob rot. Tarts. It was a different time it was a boys school don't worry about it it was a boys school

it was 98 oh that's very funny James what about you I've got two memories seared into my brain from TIE one was it was one about

not speeding and the story of the play was this kid's this lad speeded and he ran

someone over and then he went to jail and in jail they threw boiling water on him because he'd

run someone over but they'd mixed sugar into the boiling water so it would stick to him and that really stuck in my head

hang on why were they so annoyed about it i think he ran over a kid or something in the play oh yeah now you're done for aren't you the other one it was a it was theater and education it probably wasn't even true yeah the other one was a weird reenactment using school benches that was the only set they had. And I think two people in the play, they were reenacting the clearing of the nuclear site of Chernobyl after the accident. That wasn't that long after either. No,

this would have been mid nineties. Yeah. Mid to late night. Yeah. Mid nineties. What are we learning here? What's the, what's the lesson for the children?

All the, the only thing I learned is that at one point someone accidentally, someone was chucking shoveling like nuclear muck off the roof and threw it on the protagonist's face. And what's that do? It fucking killed him, like slowly and in agony because he got nuclear waste. Similar to the, now I'm saying it,

it's very similar to the sugar water incident but just circling back if this is theater in education what is the lesson for children about the successful what's the education down a nuclear how do you clean out a nuclear reactor efficiently maybe they just thought that we would be the sort of people that would go on to run a nuclear reactor and it was to learn the dangers of cutting corners. I'll more likely be shoveling nuclear shit. Like, these are the lads. Yeah. James, Sunil has got an absolute ton.

I think we've covered the countryside. I think so. I think we should get on to the city bit. Here is the city bit. Here is the city bit. You might have to pick one for me. I've written quite a few down. I know which I want. Go on then. I want to know

large cream cake. I bought a large cream cake. Cool. Okay, so should we just do the intro and outro then? Go tell us more how large was it I went to a cafe I went to a cafe

in Greenwich home of like boats and shit like observatory yes Greenwich meantime anyway yeah so

I wanted a I wanted a croissant with my coffee they didn't do any they only had large cream cakes so I bought one and then I was going to to a job

and I didn't want to, it was like lots of other people there, we were doing some, we were working together. I didn't want to eat my cream cake in front of everyone. So got the cream cake about one o'clock-ish, didn't manage to touch it because I knew it would be a very messy job on the beard. Got to about 10pm and I had to take the cream cake home and then everyone started commenting on it going what you got in that box why are you taking that cream cake home? Oi let us in the box

like that sort of thing yeah anyway and then had it the next day I'm just happy to report that cream cakes last more than 24 hours. That's good news. Yeah that's my cream cake news Did you think of saying it was did you think of turning it into an episode of Kirby Enthusiasm

and saying like it was your birthday? Ah, I do think saying it's my birthday would have derailed a lot of the good work we were doing that day. We were doing DMs Are Open, if you've heard of it. It's a sketch show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stephen Martin, fun to know. Fantastic Stephen Martin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah it was great fun well with the cream cake thing you've chimed into something i really um the same with which is i don't like i don't i don't mind it in a restaurant and stuff but eating some stuff like messy you know like something like a kebab or a messy sandwich i do not like doing that in front of people i have not eaten i really want i used to have a meatball marinara in subway all the time but it was too messy so i've got an italian bmt and i will i'll turn away to eat sometimes depending on what it is i understand no what are you laughing at james that's not just imagining you on a rotating chair with your family no i turn it around and I you know

with the back up and I sit I sit my legs on either side oh because you're you're the original bad boy I'm the original bad boy well I mean

cream cake is obviously very hard to eat without a mess happening unfortunately because like you have to if you bite into it the cream's coming out

both sides isn't it tell me tell you what leave that sex education to yeah go on lad no let's edit that out me tell you what. Read that sex education to a number. Yeah. Go on, lad. No, let's edit that out.

Go on, lad. Put that Johnny on, lad. Oh, you. Oh, you. Big lad with beard. That 11-year-old lad with glasses and beard. I want you to come up and show your peers how you will put that Johnny on. Again, for the American listener, Johnny is a way of saying a prophetic, a French, a French

letter. French letter Little The Argentinian Red As As it were Oh no Oh no You're knocking the microphone Talking about condoms

Our next big birthday Is 50 And We're little boys We're little boys and talking about condoms. Our next big birthday is 50. We're little boys, we're little boys. Oh dear. Can we talk about, before we move on, can we talk about one more issue from the city, which is it ties to a countryside issue that I've actually had a very similar thought about,

which is the bottom one on your list. Yes. Now this is secondhand information, but I have been to this local tip. Yeah. Go on then. Yes. You go on then, Chris. What did you want to say?

I was at the tip the other day on my way. I was taking a lot of wood because the big hole is now filled in. Right. So I cleaned up the back garden a bit. I went and I went to my local tip and I thought this is the last place one of the last places where it's not taboo for a grown man to throw

a big bit of wood with a nail in it as hard as he can it's still a safe space How far did you chuck it? Well I chucked it, it hit the other side of the container you know like that yeah thank you

what about you well I got a photo of the local tip I've been to the local tip and it's without a doubt

the best tip I've been to just very spacious lots of parking can walk right over the containers so you don't go

underneath or off the side you walk on top of it glass bottomed bridge that's right i've got a photo of it from friend of the podcast eddie hair shout out eddie hair yes shout out eddie hair and he wanted to show me how far he could throw an alloy wheel

he he did a good job of it but he certainly didn't hit the other side of the container because alloy wheels are very heavy of course but. But the good thing about it is that the men in charge there are absolutely happy with men just chucking stuff. I thought you were going to say fished it out and let it be over another go. But no, absolutely top tip.

As in, it's one of the best tips. I haven't got any top tips for the tip. Nice. I'm saying it's a top. It is a top tip. I haven't got any top tips for the tip. Nice. I'm saying it's a top. It is our top tip. I've got a challenge to our listeners. Please send us a video slash photo of you wanging something as hard as you can into a tip.

The heavier, the better. The bigger noise it makes, the better. I'm guessing this is tied into the let's hear from the long suffering wives because they'll have to take and send that picture. Yeah, this is a challenge that requires a second pair of hands. You can turn this into a whole family affair, getting a whole family down to watch dad wang a tie as hard as it can.

I do think it's a more interesting challenge to see how far you can throw things with one arm while holding a camera. I do understand that, you know, obviously some things are a bit unwieldy, you know, sort of heavy things that you can hold with one arm. That's also a good challenge to see on camera. Thank you. That is, that is actually. It's high stakes as well. I'll tell you what was interesting about the photo you showed me at the tip.

A lot of very good clothes errors in there that were completely pristine. Yeah, but I'm not excusing this at all, but I can see the mindset of a London child adult that's having to move flats every seven months and you're just like, I can't be bothered. I don't have a car, my life's, I'm just going to whang this all in tip,

which is appalling. And it's stories like this, that when we tell them to our children or great grandchildren, you know, when we explain how decadently we lived to a group of children that have had to raise themselves in the post apocalypse, it'll be a story like that, that leads to my son smashing my head in with a brick.

You know what I mean? Listen up kids. I found, I found three minkies in the local tip. Yeah. Yeah. And they'll be wearing these now. Do you know what I mean?

They'll be what they wear for clubs. Yeah, they'll be. So you used to throw wood away? Yeah, yeah. And we'd see how far we could throw it away as well. Yeah, and what was wrong with that chair? I just didn't like it anymore, and I couldn't be bothered putting it on And I couldn't be bothered putting it on.

I couldn't be bothered putting it on Facebook marketplace because I was too, I had too much social anxiety to have a conversation with someone about picking it up. So I just, I just thought that if I just take it down the tip. And they'll, they'll use that wood to make a pyre. Just to clarify, we are absolutely okay with anyone with social anxiety.

We all have it to some extent. I don't know. I've got it. I've got social, everyone knows I've got social anxiety. I just review them, but I always say this place is an absolute tip.

Okay, that's good. That's actually good stuff. And who are you doing this for? Your kids? Just me, just me to amuse myself. Yeah. Can we have a,

can we have a copy of that? I did, I did a Google review or an ebay review you know you buy something off ebay and they just honor you to like review it and to break the seller and stuff so i put like i put something like yeah it showed up i said wow showed up exactly when they said it would in exactly the condition it was advertised i said i really mean wow five stars i might i don't know i don't know yeah just the absolute incessant pursuit of customer feedback james i've reviewed a seat i'll give it okay i gave a seat five stars once what i

need you to do is send me screen grams of all your reviews and i'm going to make a little ebook for people i'm going to put them together in an e-book for you. And by you, I mean the listeners who subscribe to this podcast on their Patreon. There will be a PDF of James's consumer reviews. What have you reviewed there? A life-size Gundam statue in Japan. You reviewed that? Yeah, five stars.

No wait time. You wrote that? To go and see. No wait time. You wrote that? To go and see that. It was fun. It's just a bit of fun. When was your last review? I think it was, I'm just trying to, oh no, one star for Bledlow Ridge Household Recycling Centre.

One star. Place is a dump. Absolute tip. You gave it one star? They wouldn't let me in because I was from the wrong county. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's fine. Oh, that's one was one more question. We do.

This is just too interesting, but Sonal, is your tape closely monitored in terms of comings and goings? Yes. Well, you need to show ID that you're from the local area. That's it. My tape,

free for all, no limits, absolute free for all, no limits. You, there's no, like where we used to live in Manchester, you had so many,

and like it was a big allowance but you had an allowance of trips to the tip annually as a as a household and now this one where i live now free for all do what you want that's great for you renovating your house isn't it yeah it is because i'm routinely taking and i've got a really rubbish car which is sort of all scratched and falling to bits and And I feel that full of like, you know, like a spider covered detritus from the garden and stuff, which I could have put in the nice car.

I really miss having a shit car. Yeah. It's this, it's like having a terrible car. Just whang it around the car park, smash it into anything, drive off. See you later.

That's how it became the shit cars. Cause I went to, I went to, I went on, honestly, I went, it was when I decided not to oh right i went to i went on honestly i went it was when i decided not to do them anymore but i went i got asked to do an invite an audition to go down and be in a subway sandwich advert and it wasn't even it wasn't even verbal it was just going and i drove down and i was late and i rushed into a space and i scratched my car down the side of a

pillar and it was just ruined. And I was like, well, I've driven all this time to get here to eat a Subway sandwich in there. It is mad that they chose you for, even auditioned you for a sandwich advert because your mouth is tiny, isn't it? No, but this is,

it creates an appearance of value, doesn't it, for the sale? Of course it does. Sandwich is massive in front of that. You think you'd be a selling point, like you'd be the guy. Yeah.

We'll put it in the terms of conditions, this is an eight. This is not being an extra big one for the advert. This is a Subway sandwich as you would taste it in the restaurant. And then people be like the value for money. Yeah. And this is definitely a normal man's mouth. That normal man's mouth.

Absolutely dripping with meatball. Is that why you didn't get the job? Because you turned away from the camera? It's because I took, because my car had gone upside at Pillar and I knew it was forever ruined. I've took, I entered that audition with exactly the same energy as Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver.

And it wasn't, it wasn't the vibe that they were looking for that day what an intense audition trying to get a subway into a tube of Smarties yeah I might

James there's a point on your I know we're running out of time now but there's a point on your list which is timely and we won't be able

to talk about it in the future oh yeah just quick Valentine's Day roundup I'm just sorry just in the meantime I've sent you one of my favourite reviews which was of a Roman villa I took some pictures of the

mosaics there and the review was five stars do you like mosaics that is nice that is nice James you have a prankster's heart and I'm loving seeing this idea. It's very nice of you to... I always look for photos that people have uploaded

rather than the owner of the site. I don't do it very often because it's usually got me in it, like as a selfie, and I don't think they want that. Yeah, you know there's a button you can turn that lens around. I mean, all the ways. Why would you ever use it? Why would you need to use that but now I suppose

all dumps will you know household recycling centres will be able to have videos of people wanging I can feel, even as we suggested it it's a movement I can feel the inbox filling up with lads this is what it's about

this is the next thing this is the next thing we've done we've done internet speed we're still doing all these things internet speed test bin thing is every time someone emails us the email is like collecting you know like before they get to the crux of the email they're like they're ticking off the stuff that they have to tick off which is getting bigger and bigger which is like internet speed test what they're ticking off the stuff that they have to tick off, which is getting bigger and bigger, which is like internet speed test. What they're breaking down their bins. You know what I mean?

The list is getting bigger and bigger. And then at the end, it's a sentence that's like, yeah, like the podcast. Can we do a quick Valentine's roundup? Valentine's roundup. I completely forgot about it until Nicola came in about 1130 and went,

oh yeah, happy, happy Valentine's Day. She forgot too. So that's where we are. Hell house, professionally hammering it, trying to get back on his feet and thrive in a difficult circumstance. She is my queen. I will ride with her into hell.

Okay. That's where we are. Yeah, that's nice. I guess what this is, is a belated Valentine's message to my wife. I love you, babe. Sorry, you have to leave the front room tonight. I couldn't record this podcast. But an eight o'clock bedtime is good.

It's better for you. It's better. The more hours that you're in bed before 10, the better you feel the next day. That's my gift to you. I'm speaking up towards the roof. Son-il, you're next.

No, James, I want to save Son-il until the end. James. Just also would like to send a message to my wife, but she doesn't listen to any of the podcasts that I do. Why not? I mean,

she, she has to listen to this all the time. I wouldn't, I wouldn't. Anyway, I give her a fancy chambord or chambord or whatever chocolate box.

Yeah. Received a cool one kg of Cadbury's mini eggs. What? In a big bag. That's huge, man.

That fit from the wholesalers. No, it was from a Waitrose. Yes, cash and carry size that. Yeah, that's what I thought.

But she got it from a Waitrose. Rolled up into Easter size, that. Yeah, that's what I thought. But she got it from a Waitrose. Rolled up into Easter as well. How much do you reckon? Well, they've not lasted. They've almost finished. How much do you reckon? £4.50. £15.

All right. Sorry, I went in too low. It was less important. I don't know how much chocolate eggs cost. I'm sorry. Mini eggs are a lot for a little tube. Yeah, because it's solid chocolate, isn't it? Oh, they're good.

Good God, they're good. Cadbury's though, isn't it? And they're going under, aren't they? They're doing badly. Let's leave that. And just like, you know, like with my little BB going, just all the major brands that could potentially sponsor this podcast. P-ting!

That one's gone. Cadbury's gone. Oh, we've got less.. All we've got left, all we've got left, I knocked Monster off in the last episode. P-ting! So all we've got now is go outdoors and see EX.

Man, they need to get on top of their corporate email because neither of them are responding to my email. So, yeah, it's looking pretty bleak for the boys. Sonil, have you been inundated with cards from mad fans? Bro, no, actually, I had a lovely Galentine's the night before, me and the gals going out for a couple of beers, myself, Red Richardson, and Josh Weller, comedians. I was hankering for a few pints, actually, the night before.

I had the night before. I had the itch. And I had one alcoholic pint, one non-alcoholic, and the pub was absolutely fucking rammed. You wouldn't believe how big Galentine's is as an event now. I've never heard of it.

I don't know what it is, and you just said you went out for drinks with two men. So what is Gallant? That really unmarred me. No, but Galentine's, as I gather, is like when the single girls go out the night before Valentine's, I think,

or maybe on Valentine's, but it was very much packed with single sex groups just having a great time. So then, so that has attracted the, and I hope you don't mind me saying this, the predatory masculine element. I didn't see any. Yeah, that's attracted the, and I hope you don't mind me saying this, the predatory masculine element. I didn't see any. Yeah, that's that fucking,

that's that, listener, 4D chess that he plays every day. He sold me off. He sold me off from a long way away. No, but it's obviously happy Valentine's to both your wives. Right, yeah. Happy Valentine's to both your wives. Yeah. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns.

And if you're hungry for more japes, why not check out my BBC Radio 4 series An Idiot's Guide to Bagging an Heiress and you can find that on BBC Sounds Chris what can listeners do if they want to go

the extra mile in supporting us well they can leave us a review on Spotify our Apple podcast or maybe like Google

like James does I don't know if it's possible alternatively what you could do is you can like the best thing is word of mouth so if you for us would do us the service go like James does. I don't know if it's possible. Alternatively, what you could do is you can, like the best thing is word of mouth. So if you, for us, would do us the service of grabbing a stranger in the street and screaming in their face, would you consume the cursed mushroom?

Then that's the best marketing that we can do. And if you have a rural concern, you can email us at christopher at alovelytime.co.uk and we'll read it on an upcoming episode as long as it doesn't say anything mad. You know, mental stuff

that sometimes gets said. But the very best way you can support us is by weighing us a few quids on the Patreon. For less than a fiver, you'll get a bonus

episodes every sort of two weeks. Plus, we've got this like online chat community and every now and again, we'll put little bits and pieces up like an ebook containing James's five star reviews of places that are full of piffy pin, puffy,

piffy puns. Oh God. I'm not doing that again. No. It's also where we're going to put the second half of our live show, which was this decide your own destiny adventure that's called The Feast of the Dignitary. James is

just pulling it together now and sort of in the next wee while we're just going to crack it up on there. Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph Nintendo Switch 2 Burrows. Our music is by Sam O'Leary and our artwork is by Poppy Hilstead. Rural Concerns is produced by Egg Mountain for a Lovely Time Productions.

Mwah, mwah. Bravissimo. Belle, belle. Belle, belle. Molte bene. Yeah, nice. But Chris, I don't know if I should out you as this, but you are one of the people

that sends the most messages per sentence I've ever known. Yeah, it doesn't stop with you sometimes. I messaged Sunil today. I was telling Sunil, I was telling Sunil, my Edinburgh show is the final form, which your friend James called masterful. That is the condensed solidified into one solid entity,

but it comes out like my words are like, you know, when you blow on a dandelion and it spreads the seeds, little seeds. It's supposed to make you wet the bed as well, doesn't it? It's supposed to make you wet the bed. This is how it goes it's like I'm sure if you would have given WhatsApp communication

to any of the great minds of throughout human history you know it was that one that drew those he drew all those

stuff like wings and he drew like a flying machine but he was in Italy in the past first text Leonardo second text duh third text Vinci

bong like that