Rural Concerns - Software, attics & transition lenses

Episode Date: May 6, 2025

The lads convene on the eve of their second live show. Chris has bitten off more than he can chew, Sunil must drive through the night and James wants you to know he's a ‘quite good at it person’. Want to see the lads live? Rural Concerns is coming to the London Podcast Show on 20th May. We’re also playing Manchester’s Fairfield Social Club on 22nd November.  You can watch Chris’ Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated show! He’s heading to Chorley, Machynlleth, Wells and Newcastle! Check it out on his international website.  Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello. No, it's actually, it's producer James. I'm sorry, I'm very tired. We've just done Mac Festival live. That was a right laugh. And then I went camping for two more days with my family. Just back, just unpacked. And so I've got a message from Chris to ask me to record an advert

for the London podcast show on the 20th of May. He assures me that the link will be in the show notes. If it isn't, just Google it. It's the London will be in the show notes if it isn't just google it it's the london podcast show on the 20th of may he thought you the listener would be confused but by having his advert playing again like he thinks you don't understand adverts but this is so this is a brand new advert for the rural concerns live at the lond London Podcast Show on the 20th of May. So please buy a ticket. Make this worthwhile

for me having to have to do this. And while you're at it on the internet doing that, just send Chris a message on one of the social medias saying, look, I know how it works. But do that after you've bought a ticket, all right hello and welcome to another episode of rural concerns the only podcast to

have been granted a royal warrant of appointment for continuing to entertain a member of the royal family who suddenly found himself at a loose end in terms of official royal duties. Thank you for listening, Your Eminence. My name is Sunil Patel and I live in London. I'm an actor and comedian, but I'm probably best known for my work with Transport for London, where you'll have heard my voice. I'm the man on the tube who shouts, can you move down, please, when it's very full. My name is James. I'm the producer of this podcast, and I live in a highly desirable cul-de-sac.

I love nothing more than popping open a madry, firing up the barbecue, and incinerating all the plastic my family has generated, because on an existential level, I believe recycling to be an affront to my civil liberties. My name is Chris and I live in a small village on Hadrian's Wall and I like to spend my days sitting on my step whittling and when hikers pass me by, I give them a genial nod and say, so this for context this is being recorded before mac yes comedy festival but we'll go out after we have done it but again as before we may have had an on-stage bust up and this may be our abbey road which is abbey roads

when they came together and played that song that changed the world into it they'd be they'd been they'd been they'd been killed they've outwitted death and they get in like a series of board games they've overcome the devil they've even fought robot versions of themselves yes And then they get to the concert that's going to change their lives and the fate of the world. They do that bit of time travel, so they get really good at instruments. A bit of time travel. They pick up Joan of Arc and Billy the Kid along the way. This is, we're going to have a good time.

I am anxious. I am anxious, James. I think you've said, like, in the kindest possible way, environment of fear. A fear where there's no margin for error. With what? The vibe of the pre-show production. So I'm on tenterhooks.

I'm also, before we're going into Mac, I'm using this as an opportunity to teach myself a brand new bit of software. Yeah, I mean, you've done this off your own back no one's asked me to do this i've not asked you in fact i said we shouldn't have so much tech stuff in it and you said it's fine there's a program called q lab are you familiar with it i said no you didn't at that point say me neither i've never used it in my life but i hear it's all right but you just went yeah okay i, okay, I'll do it on QLab.

Like you were like Billy QLab. QLab is for people off stage to do for the people on stage. Well, we can run it from the stage. Can we? We? I get the feeling that, Chris, you've already got a lot of stuff you want to say on stage as well. Yeah, but I can live in a...

I've basically got... I've basically got... It's a very simple presentation, but I can live in a... I've basically got... I've basically got... It's a very simple presentation, but I will say this. QLab has... Oh, you've got a full presentation? I have been... No, as in when we're on stage,

I'm just going to have some holding graphics and some music running. And I've also hotkeyed bleep, obviously. So whenever we press the letter B, it'll say... It'll play the bleep, obviously. So whenever we press the letter B, it'll say, it'll play the bleep, obviously sting. This is cool. Yeah, it is cool.

I will say this, it is a lot more complicated than I initially thought. It's not like PowerPoint at all. On top of that, you've also got a work in progress that you'll be doing. And also the content of our show. I've done that. The actual stuff that we're going to say in front of the... Yeah, but the vibe is... Slides. The vibe is just chill out and we'll figure it out in the room.

I think that's... We've had meetings where we've said exactly, we need to do exactly the opposite of that. You've said you want to plan this down to within an inch of its life. No. You see, what you want to plan this down to within an inch of its life. No. You see, what I want to do is I don't want to script everything. What I want to do is make sure that the segment, the structure is tight. The skeleton's bones are in place. So what we haven't just got is an amorphous sack of organs sheaved in skin and for my for my

responsibility i won't look at the notes on stage for the first time for what we're gonna do like i did at the last exactly there you go sonno has agreed to be there before the like before the show yeah that's actually up in the air to be honest we've just been discussing that i currently still don't have my car and I'm supposed to be, I've been booked train tickets back to London on the Saturday. That's the wrong day. I don't know if you know. It's the wrong day.

I should be coming back Friday night, but we finish. Well, I think we wrap on Friday night, maybe like seven, eight o'clock. It's a night shoot. So I'm going to have to, it's going to be tight, Chris. I to it's gonna it's it's gonna be tight chris i'll tell you that it's gonna be fun it's gonna be tight like a skeleton with tight skin around its bones but a big senile arm missing i'm not this is james's area of freaking out i've done so many shows people turning up people saying people being able to get there i've been so i've done so many shows that are like down to the wire with people showing up from different places.

Do you know what I mean? There's a feeling when you're doing a show. I don't know. It's like there's electricity in the air. You know when it's just... Chris, I've got to pick James up on the way so two of us might not turn up. You know this.

It's just going to be you learning QLab on stage, which, to be honest, I think there have been worse Edinburgh shows, not by any of us. I have to find a travel lodge to stay in. I think it's good for them to know because basically the people that listen to this podcast that were in the room for the festival will be saying they absolutely pulled it off.

That was the end of Bill and Ted's bogus journey. They'll be saying they looked tired. They looked tired. Chris seemed stressed. Why were Chris's muffles bleeding? Chris had too much spit in his mouth again. He had too much spit in his mouth. He pressed B on the keyboard

and his MacBook set on fire. Let's go and see another show. That's what they'll say. His 2020 MacBook Air ignited? Because he had too many cues. He had more cues than Starlight Express. All I want to say is, we're going to have a good time.

We've done a lot of work already. We'll do a bit more work this week. We're going to be in a good spot. I'm sure we will if we turn up. That's all I'm saying. You will get there. There's jeopardy to this now. What's QLab's capabilities for, like,

have it patching in live Zoom calls? From the M40. You just have to be, you just have to drive on basically no sleeps and all. This is... He might not have a car to do that in. Hire a car. Yeah, I'll have to hire a car,

but I'm telling you now, do you understand what's happening? I'll be in Ramsgate until 8 or 9pm on Friday. I think you're going to be there later if your shoot is meant to be at night time, because having kids means I know that it doesn't get dark

until about half eight at nine o'clock at the minute. Well, this is brilliant news. Because they probably quite rightly consider daylight to be daytime. So if you're trying to get a kid to sleep whilst the sun is shining, you come across as a liar. Yeah, we say this to our son. We're like, we try to get him to bed.

It's like half seven, eight. It's still light. You can hear other kids running around outside and it just feels like a crock really. So I think he just lies awake. And we're like, no, you have to start to, it's not about going to sleep. You have to just, we have to start to wind down from the day.

Yeah, that's all well and good, but it's probably harder to explain to your child that you've got to rent a Hyundai i40 from the Enterprise down the road in Ramsgate and drive it to Mac. Presumably you'd have to give it back to Ramsgate as well in the end. I'm sure they've got some sort of drop-off, surely, have they not? It feels like that would be a thing,

but I doubt they have one in rural Wales. Here's a question for you. Go on. Car rental companies... Yes. Do you always have to deliver it back to where you got it from? No, not always, but they do usually charge extra for the... But you can't just leave it anywhere.

You've got to find one of their offices. You can't leave it in a lay-by, yeah. Not like a Lime scooter? No, no. It sounds like you need to look at this quite meticulously and figure out the details as soon as possible. Like someone learning a new program. Like someone, you see?

So we've all got a lot of work to do. I've signed myself up to do so much. I'm doing someone's, I've got to do my whip. I've done a bit on that, but I need to do more. I'm also doing beer mat flippings. I need to figure out how to flip beer mats.

I can talk you through that. I'm a quite good at it person. I'm a quite good at it person. I'm a quite good at it person. I started yesterday. So for the listener. This action, you don't want to be doing more than just tap it up and then grab it. Tap it up and grab it.

You don't want to be reaching. You don't want to be doing anything like that. Just tap it and grab it. Tap it and grab it. No new systems. Don't reinvent the wheel. Just keep your mind. I did it like that.

I started yesterday. Do you know when that. No, not that quick. I started yesterday. Do you know when you're suddenly like, because we're still reeling off. We're still at the back end of the Easter holidays. We're still coming off of this, still finding balance day to day. Got so much stuff to do.

And then I realised I hadn't even done this BMAT flipping. And basically for the listener, we are heading, this is before we go to, it's the Macuncliffe Comedy Festival in Wales. As part of that, there is a comedian called Stuart Laws. Don't look him up, his stuff is racist. But he does a BMAT flipping competition,

which has become this must-see event. He's not actively racist, just for the pedants. What do you mean, not actively? Well, I'm not smiling. That's worse. Well done, James. Just subconsciously racist, he makes. At the point of recording,

he's not said anything racist on record that we know about. Yeah, so... Time is ticking. And you're happy with that going out into the final episode, are you? What you've just said there, what you've both said. I think that is a bad defence.

No, he's all right. I haven't actually, I've never met him. Is he all right? He's a good lad. Yeah. He's a good lad.

Let's give Stuart, let's agree now to give Stuart Laws the right to reply via a voicemail. Really sound like you're going to, let's, let's give Stuart Laws the benefit of the doubt. let's give Stuart Laws the benefit of the doubt. Let's give Stuart Laws the benefit of the doubt. For now. No, he seems lovely.

He's okay. Right, so. Okay. So we've got all this going on. We've got a, can I, we'll move on. We'll move on. We need to let it be. No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We need to let this be. I've got a nice time. I'm going to have a nice time. The only thing that I want to say is that my ambition with the live iterations of this podcast is for it to be the best live podcast that has ever been. Yes, yeah. I noticed you put that at the top of the document for this. is good to have ambition i just want to show you i just want to show you the grade of

my i want to declare at the top that this is my intent my ambition i will not settle for less okay so basically do you know like when you're watching the hint of work go down and you're like that was ambitious that's the first thing And you're like, that was ambitious. That's the first thing that you think, isn't it? So basically you have to be very relaxed and generous. Well done. They really tried. That's what you think when you think, oh, the humanity.

Is that what they were saying? Oh, the humanity. They tried really hard to make the best. They were saying they were swinging for the, they were swinging, they were doing a big swing. I can't remember what it is. They were saying they were swinging for the... They were swinging... They were doing a big swing. You know? I can't remember what it is. They were swinging for the stars. I think they're worried about the people

that burnt to death in it. Are you wrong? Yeah, but that's just us. That's just us, isn't it? The people that are going to... That's just me and the 40 people that are going to be in that show you two you are safe you are on the m40 the people that missed their taxi to get to the hindenburg were probably quite

happy afterwards i swear if that if that fucking m1 macbook burns itself and explodes inside that stable we're doing a podcast and it kills everyone the humanity well hopefully this as this we will edit this out if that has happened chris i'll be furious if we die because of this podcast that's all i'm saying yeah it really would ruin what has been i will say just quite a nice vibe yeah so that's the lovely preamble but if we do if, do we still put the episode out? It gets scheduled, doesn't it? It gets scheduled.

I'm pretty last minute though. It'll be scheduled and then it will have a bit of text under it saying, Chris, please put some writing here. Put the music from Blackadder

at the end. Yes. Series one. Yeah, going over the top. Yeah. Or the Vicar of Dibley, the music from that.

Music from Dibley. Or silent credits, which doesn't work in an audio medium. Or AI-generated credits that we do. Oh, yeah, we continue going for the rest of our lives. Well, I mean, for the rest of our deaths, we'd be AI'd. Chris, you're giving a virtual tour of your... Oh, this is lovely. What's that standee thing in the corner?

Oh, what's that certificate? That's Nicola's certificate. So I think the first bit, just basically what we've done there is a 10-minute caveat, aren't we? A 10-minute pre-apology to an event. For something that's already happened.

For something that's already happened. Well, that's quite good then, because then in the live show, we can just go, make sure you listen to the, sorry about this, make sure you listen to the next episode of the pod and you'll understand. And apology building, I think we should, I think as a general course of action, we should consider

building in apologies, banking them in advance. Do you know what I mean? Pre-recording like 20. That's a good shout. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Apology to Stuart Laws. Shout out to Stuart Laws. Not racist.

Please stop the legal processes. This is the countryside bit. Oh. There is the countryside bit. So where I am, I'm broadcasting now. The near is done. On its way to being very done. Attic office space slash podcasting studio. Nice.

Now, a couple of caveats. So me and my dad have decorated. Yeah. I've decorated the space. It's been plastered. We've painted it and we've put down plywood flooring to smooth out the floorboards because we are going to get cork in here oh great on the sound but we're not quite we just have to hold off before we go full cork you're gonna go full cork on the walls yeah not

on the walls no we're just because if you do it on the walls then you could put your pins and your red string and and you could all the pictures are the people that have wronged you well no but i put like cards on the show and i've i've put i put one for my work in progress shirt just has lamb on it baby lamb an owl do you know what i mean so it's like it's a thing i like thinking with my hands like that, but we just have to hold back. But what we've got is, as of this week, the electrician's been in, my good friend Tony. We've got the sockets in.

We've got the internet in, but crucially, I haven't hardwired it up yet. So I'm running off Wi-Fi at the very top of the house, three levels up. But you've got that in? But I've got it in, but I just need to connect it at the bottom. So you've run the cat three or cat four or whatever it is up the stairs into the room, but you're not plugged into the router. It's like an old telephone exchange.

We've got like a bank built into the wall in the living room. I connect it to the router and then it goes all the way. We've got four ports, one in my son's bedroom, one in our bedroom, which, to be honest, we don't really need to use because... So everyone's got an Ethernet port in their rooms. Yeah, we're sort of future-proofing. Particularly my son, at some point, he'll be doing his homework or absolutely smashing Fortnitenight rolling up there so now but the main objective with this

was to get the cat for cable or whatever it is up to the top of the house so that nicola and i can she could do her presentations she does a lot of calls she does a lot of like internet webinar type things and i can straight into the fiber. I can podcast, connect it. Because right now, the video's dropping out a little bit. I'm still on the Wi-Fi. That's impressive three floors up. Without a booster? Without a booster.

You sure it's yours? Would you not have been better off with a good mesh network? I don't know what that is. I don't think it exists. Yeah, I don't either. I read it about that. No, yeah, I've heard it. I've heard people say it. It's on Amazon or something. And everyone's like, yeah, this is. I don't think it exists. Yeah, I don't either. I read it about that. No, yeah, I've heard it. I've heard people say it.

It's on Amazon or something. And everyone's like, yeah, this is great. So that's it. So consistently, I will be able to broadcast from this room, which psychologically is a huge, huge step forward. Can I ask a question? Yes. That window behind you, did you install that

or did it come with the house? Come with the house. It's a little bit like around the frame it's a little bit so it's been sanded and smoothed and painted up yes or no and did they put the window in the roof so that the dogs that are fucking up there get a bit of light so it's when they are all basically my understanding which is based on just vibe is that when the dogs are all fucked out they would come up here and get a bit of sun on them ah just kind of replete reset their circadian rhythms replenish the power of the sun the power of the sun to fill up the the depleted glands. Doggy ball bags. Are we retiring the Chris, my internet's gone sting, then?

Let's keep it for now. I think we might need it. Honestly, James, I highly doubt we're going to get too far away from that. You might need it for me, though, but my internet provider... We've got the Sunil version, don't worry.

My internet provider gave me eight pounds the other day. What for? For me not having internet for a couple of days i'm at well i suppose that probably works out per day but still should be a bit extra for inconvenience oh i was delighted about it did you did you not claim that you couldn't do a day's work so they needed to pay you for a day's work that's always they did it automatically i mean i did have internet it was just very slow do you remember when i kept dropping out those few records we did yes they said as part of our service agreement we have to give you this eight pounds well could you

see if they could up it for the lost revenue from the podcast advertising so or give them four quid back oh sorry chris you're not taking that in the spirit. It was offered. I apologise. We're just trying to have a bit of fun, a bit of self-deprecating humour, you know. I like self-deprecating humour when it's about you two. That's clever.

That could be on a clever sort of thing. That'd be a good T-shirt. Yeah, yeah. I like self-deprecating humour when it's about other people. I think that's a t-shirt. Yeah, yeah. I like self-deprecating humour when it's about other people. I think that's a t-shirt. This guy with an arrow. This guy with an arrow, yeah.

That's what else have I had going on in the countryside? No news on the spooky hotel, really. I think it's been, we saw via a locksmith's Facebook page that the building has been like re-secured. Yeah, okay. As it should be, yeah.

So I think that implies that it was unsecure and that there was access, but I think they basically sealed it up. Well, there was that door open, wasn't there? Yeah. Didn't you send a 16-year-old through a door somewhere? No, I didn't send a 16-year-old through. I just mentioned it and the 16- old might have acted upon that and then after he'd gone we found out that there was rumors of squatters being in there so we basically sent him into

into a den i i would not squat in a remote hotel that's all that's just me though but that's just me you're trying to apply your high level penthouse mindset to people whose life and circumstances that you don't understand no no i'm saying i'd be scared i'd squat somewhere where there were other people you think yeah i think i would prefer to be but i suppose there's a lot of eyes on you aren't there like i suppose there's even more eyes on you in a small community I mean everyone knows the other day we had three fire engines come past and I messaged Andy the tray bake man in the cafe because he's like the source of information do you know I mean he trades in information he's like a cold war spy and tray bakes and I messaged him and said listen what's going on with these fire engines and he said i don't know you are the fourth person to ask so it's like you under right yeah there was a tone

to his message but that's when you're supposed to slip him a tenner so he actually gives you the information that's how you trade an information you don't just give it out for free yeah oh i'm like can i have this trade break itk? It's like, that's £2.90, whatever it is. And I'm like, yeah, there's a tenner. I don't worry about the change. And then in receipt, I get the information. There's a fire. That's why this fire engine's there.

It's a big fire. No, I don't know. I couldn't see. We don't know. We don't know. There was no fire in the sky. Shall I get things back on track? Shall I show you what I bought for this live show? I don't know if we're fire in the sky shall i get things back on track shall i show you what i

bought for this live show i don't know if we're gonna need it for this or maybe that with the london one oh die you've got you've got it's an ad12 yeah of course oh do i have to bring dice for the live show well these i got i thought i'd get us one each oh great i feel like thanos yeah we're like even more nerdy you don don't think we'll need him, Chris? I don't think we're going to do, we don't have the time to do the heat. Not for Mac, but for London or the Manchester live shows. I think the Manchester one is where we've got the time

to spread his wings. What about the London show? When's that again? The London show. This is sponsored content. This is sponsored content. James has spent, how much on the tenner? On three dice.

Yeah, how much are they? Like 20, 50p or something, I think. £1.50 he's spent. What colour do you want? Green. Green. I'll take whichever you don't want. I want a green one.

Everyone wants a green one. I think it does ping the nicest. Yellow, please. Green, yellow, and I'll have blue. Should have got a red one. Which is good because we are doing the London podcast show. Poof. On the 20th.

Were we asked to do that? On the 20th of May. We were asked to do it. Invite it. Invitation only. Invitation only. Can we have all the information immediately because we need to announce soon, which definitely sounds like

we were in the front of people's minds in the early planning stages of the festival when's the when's three bean salad's tour is that the same time we've taken three bean salad couldn't do it so who do we go so we step in who do we go and then 10 people later they came to us. But I'm very excited. It's a huge honour. It's one of the biggest events in podcasting. So it's going to be us and the podcasting community now. Are you going to come face to face with Jamie Lang? Is he there?

Probably. Lineker is. So what is this? It's mostly a... It's a podcast show, isn't it? We're doing a live recording in the evening. It's in the Business Design Centre in Islington. It's quite nice, that place, though.

Yeah, I've been there. I've been there for like a wine show. It's massive. It's absolutely enormous. Shit. Well, I know. I don't think we're taking over the whole venue. I think we might be in...

Good. I think we're in one of the little shops at the side. Are we on all the tannoys? That'd be bad, wouldn't it? I hope not. Imagine that. It's a... Good. I think we're in one of the little shops at the side. Are we on all the tannoys? That'd be bad, wouldn't it? I hope not. Imagine that. It's a main stage. We are in a warmer pact for the rest is politics.

Okay, great. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. They're going to have to keep you guys apart. No mention of Iraq, please. No, come on. What? It happened.

Yeah, that's true. Probably cut this out, but... Nah, keep it in. What? It happened. Yeah, that's true. Probably cut this out, but. Nah, keep it in. What? Cut what out? Anyway,

so yeah, tickets. So tickets are now on sale for the London Podcast Show on the 20th of May. Hey, come on down. I think my father-in-law and his mate, Steve, are coming.

So. I've got a bunch of dads coming to the Manchester show, by the way. Whose dads? my father-in-law and his mate Steve are coming. So. I've got a bunch of dads coming to the Manchester show, by the way. Whose dads? Fellow dads. I mean, there's a dads on tour.

They're taking it as a bit of an opportunity to have a dads on tour. You can't have a rowdy podcast show, James. They're not going to be that rowdy. They're not going to be shouting out garlic. And they're coming up from the South. Yeah. Really? Because they want to go out in manchester in the night as well are you going out on manchester the night before not the night before it can't be we've got a show on chris

what show are you got on the night before we're doing our work in progress isn't we yeah we need to lock that in oh yeah yeah on the upside what else has been going on me in the city wandering about going for little coffees and that. Things have changed. Facially, I have transitions lenses. What does that mean? They turn into sunglasses. Okay.

But not always fully, so I look kind of weird. You know, they change. You perpetually got grey lenses then? At the moment, it responds to uv light so there's light coming into my window so it's making my lenses a little bit gray but it gives me a cool vibe like a cool nonchalant vibe like a cool guy with glaucoma like a cool guy with glaucoma i'm looking forward to this at the live i think i think of um don't say pedophiles chris come on we can't we can't lose all of our audience hey yeah hey no it's it looks very it's a very 80s look to me a transition lens yeah but a transition to technology has actually moved on drastically since the 80s

and it now goes dark twice the speed it used to 40 years ago impress moore's law moore's law just very slow so it's actually been very interesting wandering around with transitions lenses i've been for little coffees with transitions lenses been to the cinema last night with transitions lenses on and they performed magnificently what like when it got bright there was a bright explosion in the film my glasses went dark what did you watch

sunshine I went to see sunshine so anyway that's the city news Elsa had a day trip to Winchester and I was charmed

oh here is the city, mate. Even though that's not really city news. Who did you go to Winchester with? I went to do a gig there for Paul McCaffrey. Went with Helen Bower. Had a meal at the pub. They fed us well.

Did you see the butter cross? No, what's that? A feature of Winchester. Did you see King Arthur's Round Table? Because that's where it is. Tell your brothers. Put that in your brother-in-law's pipe and smoke it, Chris. We haven't even talked about that.

The fact that Camelot is actually up near where I live. Absolutely it's not, is it? It's either Tintagel or Cadbury Fort. How can it be? That wasn't even part of Britain at the time, was it? We'll come back to this later. The source of the information? Brothering law.

Oh. Hmm. The lead on this story I've been given? Mike. Who's Mike? Who's Mike? I don't know. It was a while since I wrote it down.

Right. Historically, was Northumbria... So Great Britain was lots of different kingdoms, wasn't it? Well, you've got, as we've talked about before, County Durham, the land of the Prince Bishops. The Palatinate County. Yeah, which is exciting. What's that mean?

They had so much power? It means that the Prince Bishops... It was their county? It was their county of County Durham. Were they called Prince Bishops? Yeah, they were forced that rivaled the King. So they were bishops of the Roman Catholic Church, but they were called Prince Bishops.

Why? Because they had so much power, or was that an actual title? I think because they were a ruler of a region that was running for running for the top in the country. Top region. Yeah. At one point, it was one of the most powerful areas. And then the power was at some point taken down south and then everyone else can bugger off then, you know?

It used to be East Anglia for a bit. Power there for the world. York. Where do you think it's going to go to next? Well, Winchester was going to become the capital if the nazis had invaded and won a lot we hitler bloody loved it winchester and he would winchester yeah i think had he ever visited don't think so weirdly a lot of towns claim this like if you like i've because of me other podcasts i've done a lot of research into

weird bits of information about towns and a lot of towns seem to claim that hitler bloody loved them and they would have been the capital if the nazis had won and they seem to be happy with saying that so they are fighting for hitler's approval what what's happening what is this country but yeah there's a there is a round table in Winchester, a King Arthur round table. What, they say that's his or they've just built one? Yeah,

there's a big round, it's on the wall in a church or something and it's a big round table and they say that was King Arthur's actually. How big is it? Big enough.

12 or whatever, how many was? I don't know, I've got to remember. They were much smaller back then, weren't they? Knights?

Yeah, yeah. About probably five foot six or something. What do you mean? Well, people were smaller back then, weren't they? Knights? Yeah, yeah. They were about probably five foot six or something. What do you mean? Well, people were smaller back then, weren't they? Chris, you're clearly looking up something on your phone. Listen to me talk about how people were smaller hundreds of years ago, please.

I was just checking the letter bit, but that's fine. How tall do you think people were a thousand years ago? No, they were shorter. Different diet? Different diet. Different diet. They were in armour. Weighs them down as they grow up. Weighs them down.

Well, there's a thing about like Darwin. Was he short? Probably. No, but there was a thing about island people, weren't there, that Darwin did. What? Saying they were short? There was an island

in the Galapagos where you've basically got an elephant that's the same size as a coffee table. Yeah? Because it lives on an island. There's no elephants in the Galapagos. The entire populace. Or you've got a turtle that's

a tortoise. It's turtle that's a tortoise. A tortoise, massive. It's massive. And this is like- The giant tortoise. It's in a contained- Ecosystem. Ecosystem.

Evolutionary ecosystem. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And Britain is like, you can look at James and you're like- Yeah. Where'd that come from? That's a mainland Europe physique. No, that's not true

Yeah, because England was very much like constant movements of people in and out wasn't there? I have done a DNA test so I do actually know What is it, Welsh? It is about a third Welsh, two thirds like Briton and then one third

like Northern Europe stuff. So four thirds, is it? Yeah. Have you got your receipt? Did you get your receipt for that? It just tells you what you want. Those things are just bollocks. They just, they're putting them off.

Well, no, because originally, originally it was. How dare you, Chris. It was a third, yeah was a third yeah a third a third Welsh a third and a half Briton and then a little a little bit

the rest was filled up with Northern Europe a third and a sixth Britain yes that's it and then a sixth Northern Europe but

it at one point when I first got it back it was instead of Welsh it was a third Iberian peninsula. Yes.

Spanish, Spanish Portugal. Yes. Spanish? I've been just talking to you this entire time. Spanish, like tapas, tortilla, crisps, and the Australian dam. I'm speaking to Spanish. Cerveza.

Spanish royalty. King Jamon. This is the inventor of Madri Lager. But then, yeah, it got rebadged a few years ago as Welsh. Turns out it was Welsh. They got confused. Yeah, but the Welsh had loads of people coming from the Iberian Peninsula, didn't they?

Because of the southern coast of it as people went round. Maybe, yeah. Jesus went to Glastonbury. I heard that. Don't know why he would go there, yeah. Jesus went to Glastonbury. I heard that. Don't know why he would go there, though. Tin. Something to do with tin. He wanted some tin. Tin farming. Yeah. Teen Jesus.

On his path, he went to Wales, and then as the legend has been told to me, continued north, where he died. Is this in that big show that big open air show what's called the craniot the craniogig making love to king arthur's mum and then king arthur was born and he sounded like a jordy what year was king arthur's whistlery around well he is men who have been in roman times a lot of people think the actual legend comes from Roman times. And he was either

a Roman centurion who was pretty hard or he was like a native that fought against the Romans. Arthur? Always in the southwest, though.

Yeah. Well, you obviously haven't. The thing is, I've got information. I'll bring it to the next recording. I've written down my brother-in-law

told me the tale. You've been promising us this for a long time. I got my notebook out and I wrote down the key information, which is like, Mike, but there's a church near me, an ancient church that has something to do with it. And I can't remember what it is, but it's really close to me. So I can go to an ancient church and maybe find physical evidence that Camelot eats just down the road from my house.

Imagine this scenario. There's an ancient church. Nobody really goes in it. It's one of these, you know, where you've got a travelling parish type thing. Do you know the vicar or reverend or whatever he is, travel, like because it's a rural community, there's not someone stationed there all the time. Yeah. Vicar or reverend or whatever he is, travel, because it's a rural community. There's not someone stationed there all the time.

Yeah. Like every other Sunday, they'll get, like the reverend will move around an area and do a service. A reasonably abandoned church. I go in, it's empty. Yeah? I'm knocking around. I find a picture on a wall, like a bit stone yeah i mean it's got and is it jesus

doing the thing where he's by the door and he's got his hand up you give him a high five yeah yeah and it's the stone moves aside so no the stone moves aside revealing a passageway i'm still for some reason listening yeah so do you understand secret passageway downstairs yeah here we go what's down there then round table in the middle of the round table a stone elephant the size of a coffee table this the stone it's not a type of stone that we've seen before it looks like it could possibly have been originally a meteorite out of it a big sword yeah i take it out yeah immediately drop it because it's too heavy yeah no some other blokes there and he's like nobody's been able to take that out

before it's really hard and then i just take it out like that yeah what's he doing down there he he just says you are now the rightful king of england and at no point you're at no point scared or anything or apprehensive you're just straight down there like a rat you know me i love like like investigating oh yeah yeah you sent a 16 year old into an abandoned hotel you don't love investigating at all. I like to know secrets and I will use whatever tool is available to me at the time. Whether that is my own inquisitive nature

or an excited 16 year old. Lovely stuff. Something to think about. That is something to think about that is something to think about actually I'll find my notebook I'll bring it

and I'll give you a little lowdown alright letters hey lads I'm sure everyone has sent this in for Snell but just wanted to make sure as he could be an

esports gold medalist in the making do they do medals in esports I'm nearly 42 I don't really know what esports are anyway he sent me this link

https colon forward slash forward slash futurism.com slash vape dash Tamagotchi. Right, so do you want me to... Yours in anticipation of a Rural Concerns Vapagotchi Twitch stream at the very least, Barry Bristol. Barry, I'm intrigued.

Let's click... Shall I click on this link? Click on this link. There's a vape with a Tamagotchi inside it that dies if you stop puffing oh yeah

that's wicked that's great so what if it runs out of liquid I think it's just if the physical act guys can we have a vote on whether

I can have some of the podcast money to get a couple of vapes in as long as they're Tamagotchis. Yeah, all right. How do I find it then? It might be an art project. Someone should make it.

I reckon someone would have made it by now. You get it on Timu or whatever. Oh, yeah, go on then. No. I'll find it. Don't worry. But thank you for the tip. This looks fascinating.

Yeah, that's really interesting. It doesn't sound like it should be legal. Don't worry. But thank you for the tip. This looks fascinating. Yeah, that's really interesting. It doesn't sound like it should be legal. Thanks, Barry. It was an art project to make something incredibly stupid. Ah, what? Ah, so it's not necessarily for retail purposes because it would be dangerous to never stop vaping. It was presented during a stupid hackathon

put on by New York University. Students enrolled in the programme were invited to make something stupid. I think with a bit of... The three of us could make one of these easily with a bit of technical... We just need to Google it, don't we? Hey, a lot of our listeners are quite tech-savvy computer people.

Yeah, if you can... maybe they could help us make like a frankenstein's monster vape tamagotchi can we make one that isn't a vape what do you want it to be then i don't know an actual cigarette yeah maybe you can't stop puffing all right now that's fascinating barry but Barry, could you make one, is my question, please? Yeah, it's all very well and good bringing it for our attention with immediate effect. But we've found ourselves at a skill in the house. We're craving the Tamagotchi.

All we want to do is watch Sonny look after this Tamagotchi continuously. It'd be like we're a flower baby at school, wouldn't it? Are you going to get a pet now, Sonny, now that Helen's moved out? He can't have a pet. Why can't I have a pet? You're living in rented accommodation. Our neighbours have got a cat upstairs. A cat maybe, but also you're in a similar situation to what we're in.

I would have a pet. I would love a little dog. Yeah. But there's no stability to our household. Do you know what I mean? There's got to be some stability. You've got a kid. You've bought a house.

No, but my schedule. Animals, to be kind to animals, it needs schedule and order. Yeah, you're right. Whereas what me and Nicola are doing is scrabbling for, right now I'm on parenting. She's in London. She's going to London today. She's back late tomorrow night.

Then I'm going to MacFest. Then we're pissing off to Dublin for like, and the day before Dublin I'm going somewhere else. And then we're doing a podcast show. Do you know what I mean? This is not fair on a little dog. This is not fair. No, it is. But little dogs are perfect. You can carry it doing a podcast show. Do you know what I mean? This is not fair on a little dog. This is not fair. No, it is.

But little dogs are perfect. You can carry it in a little bag. What, taking a little dog with me to Belfast? I said Dublin then. I didn't mean Dublin. I meant Belfast. Oh, yeah, we're going to Belfast, aren't we? Yeah.

I'd be happy for you to have a little dog with you. No. Can you do that, though? Isn't that into, isn't it? I know it's not abroad, but is, are you allowed to do that? No, you know, you would get on that. You would get on that flight. Oh, you're allowed to.

It's Belfast, isn't it? It's fine. No, you would get on that flight. The airline crew would take the little dog and put it in a, like a. John Wickett. John Wickett. They'd open a paneling floor and zip it out. Over one of the wheels.

So that's not your therapy dog. You wouldn't say that's your support animal? No, I'd say it doesn't matter. I've got a therapy dog and that therapy dog zipped off over wheels. And it's gone into a jet engine. And now it's raining. A biblical shower of blood onto the poor people is this before or after you declare yourself king arthur before this is my last bit of business yeah yeah yeah yeah king

arthur slash john wick yeah it is, perhaps, perhaps there is a connection. Perhaps the little dog zipping into the jet engine is the inciting incident that leads me to pursue becoming the King of England. To pursue it. That this is the, you know what I mean? Oh, but we're the king of England what's that

and then it's like an epic odyssey from that point on yeah like like the odyssey yeah like Homer's odyssey yeah or like that

new one with Ralph Fiennes where he's incredibly ripped is it what is it is that the Iliad then are they doing that again

they've done the it's called the return Chris Christopher Nolan isn't it Christopher Nolan's Is it? What is it? Is that the Iliad then? Are they doing that again? It's called The Return. Christopher Nolan, isn't it? Christopher Nolan's new film. No. No, right.

You're mixing your foot. There's The Return, which has Ralph Fiennes in it, and he's super ripped. All right. They're doing The Odyssey. Ah, right. And that's an upcoming Christopher Nolan film. So have you been casting it?

No. Okay. No, not yet. Just keeping an eye on my inbox. They've obviously announced the tentpole casting decisions, but I am... You're Matt Damon. Yeah. I am optimistic that us three will be getting a little email at some point.

And do we have to get ripped in time for the production, or can they do it in CGI in post? Yeah, so we're going to start now. We haven't even talked about you. They've obviously released another trailer for the Toxic Avenger, which has come out. And you featuring it front and centre. I would go so far as to say you are in it more than Peter Dinklage.

It's an interesting trailer, isn't it? Because it starts off with an advert within the world of Toxic Avenger. But it looks like you're getting sent an advert, first of all. The very opening bits, I was like, oh God, I've got to watch an advert to watch an advert. Yeah, that film apparently too violent and gory for them to find a distributor until now. Yeah, that's the reason it hasn't found a distributor. Because violent and gory stuff don't get picked up famously. Yeah, I can't wait to see it.

I can't wait to hear more of that American accent as well. Didn't hear it. I was telling my wife, give you some advice on that, didn't she? She did, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we watched it and I said, maybe you don't put that one on the CV. That wasn't even, those weren't my lines. That was just like, they asked me to do some improv behind the scenes. Nice one.

Yeah, I didn't realise that would make it to the trailer. It's a selling point, It's literally a selling point. Mm. Nice. Anyway, watch Toxic Avenger when it comes out. Watch Toxic Avenger. Somebody's going to see whether we can wangle it so we all get to go to the premiere.

Absolutely not, no. Imagine I would love to meet Pete. I would love to meet Peter Dinklage. I don't think I'd be invited to the premiere. You're front and centre. I don't think they'd do one. They're going to do a UK premiere. It's going to be in Leicester Square. Everyone's going to be invited to the premiere. You're front and centre. I don't think they'd do one. They're going to do a UK premiere. It's going to be in Leicester Square. Everyone's going to be

talking about this film. You know, in the same way that people are still talking about The Room years later. People, I've got a feeling that this film will still be doing packed out screenings 15,

20 years from now. it's a cult classic thank you for listening to this episode of ruralural Concerns. Here's a reminder that we're bringing Rural Concerns live to Manchester's Fairfield Social Club on the 22nd of November, 2025. That ticket link better be in the show notes, Chris. Also, there's another ticket link for May the 20th for a podcast recording in London, in Islington at the Business Design Centre.

I've also got some tour dates. You can come see me in May in Chorley at the Wells Comedy Festival. And in June, June the 14th, I'm coming to Newcastle-upon-Tyne, which is sort of my new adopted big city. And it'd be lovely to see some people there. I'm doing it at the stand. And I'm also going to the Edinburgh Fringe with the new show, which I think is about me

murdering a fly tipper. But I'm just figuring it out. Yeah, obviously go to that. And if you'd like to support Rural Concerns, you can leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. The best way to support us is by becoming a Rural Concerns Patreon.

For a small donation, you'll not only be supporting a fiercely independent podcast. What does that mean? It sounds like incel stuff, but you'll also get weekly bonus episodes as well as access to the Creamery, our dedicated Discord server.

How have we coded this podcast? Our artwork is by Poppy Hillststead our music is by sam o'leary and our legal due diligence is by cal derrick entertainment lawyer yeah he's uh very very does the detail does the detail i hope we have no reason to call him rural consensus edited by joseph dreamcast burrows and it's produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. See you all later, eh? Cheers. Get outside.

The sun's shining. This is why I think we should fund a drone for you. You can fly it out that window in your roof. You can just be quiet, keep it private to yourself, bring the drone back through that window, don't tell the family. You'd be like Spider-Man or Batman. We had some mates over and they were saying

we should get a telescope to look at the stars. I said no, I don't want a telescope. I want a periscope so that I can see in everybody's windows. Bong! Like that.