Rural Concerns - Spice, babes & Tiny Tim

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

The lads are joined by a very special guest for this merry festive episode! James is having a snowball, Chris ponders intergalactic travel and is it too late for Sunil to learn the true meaning of Christmas? Chris is going on tour in February. Get your tickets, here! Do you have a Rural Concern? Email it to the lads: [e-mail].   You can support us on Patreon! For less than five quids you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Click here to start supporting Rural Concerns today!  Patreon.com/ruralconcerns. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and the music is by Sam O’Leary. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello and welcome to a very merry festive-tide edition of Rural Concerns. I'm Sunil Patel, City Dweller. I'm Chris Cantrell, Countryside Exile. And I'm producer James, cul-de-sac reg I'm Chris Cantrell, Countryside Exile. And I'm producer James, cul-de-sac regent. Chris, hang about. Who's this little lad here? This little lad here? Well, Sunil, as today's a Christmas special, we are joined by a very special guest. This is Bob Cratchit's son, Tiny Tim. And why isn't he saying anything? Oh, well, he hasn't spoken a word since his mother died.

That's so sad. What happened? Tis a tragic story to be sure. His mother had a podcast with a couple of friends, but one of the friends refused to promote the podcast when they were on other podcasts, even though they did the least amount of work out of the three. Tiny Tim's mum said it didn't bother her,

but it really did. And she died of a broken heart. All right, thanks for coming, Tim. Just sit there while we mull up some festive banter, yeah? Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh- with Darth Maul versus Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn. What's he doing? I don't know. He's on bed, isn't he? He's on his bed.

Is he going to gossip mode? He's got like nine different studio spaces in his house. He's on his front. I'm expecting to see his little feet waggling in a minute. He's lying on his front, holding his head up with his hands. We've got a wet patch in the bedroom and it's still not dried. I'll tell you who else has got a wet patch in the bedroom yeah who i just got damp everywhere but well i know what you're saying i've been i've been a young man in the city i too have had criminal levels of damp not traditionally the vibe of a Christmas special, but here we are.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. What are you... Yeah, like, we need to... I'm on a snowball. Oh, lovely. I don't drink at home. Hmm?

Nothing. He doesn't... He said, James, in case you missed it, he doesn't drink at home. But I would say... Hasn't got a kid. Hasn't got a kid.

Get off your high horse. Also, that's definitely... I had a friend. He's not really a friend anymore. We just sort of drifted away. But his dad... Full name him then. Go on.

No, his dad was basically an alcoholic, but lived by, lived by like a very sort of tight set of parameters to is basically I'm not an alcoholic. If you're an alcoholic, if you drink before midday. Oh yeah. Correct. I've had grandparents like that. Like 1159, 12 full pint sitting.

Setting an alarm. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, so yeah, it's, and that reminded me of that listening to you talk about how i don't drink at home and you're like nope it's that i get absolutely hammered hammered whenever you want wherever you want in a nero's in a cafe nero's

it takes a hip flask well we'll say my like i've largely i drink so much less we've talked about this before i drink so much less than i used to do as a younger man but it is creeping up a bit recently now we're entering the festive season little little cocktails is what i'm into now do you know what i mean yeah yeah less like pints like like volume like do you know what i mean like drinking eight pints of liquid that's insane isn't it? But just two little cocktails. Well, obviously the bladder control is an issue as we get older, isn't it? For some people, for some people.

No one on this call, that's for sure. Not on this podcast for the young boys. Wet patch in the corner. It's a plaster patch, by the the way just for full clarity but yeah the bit about i haven't but you know when people say basically bladder control and like oh you do a wee but then you don't stop weeing for a bit like as a man as you get older and you're like that that sort of thing that and having to get feelings it's like a level of existential dread that i can't quite get my head around do you know what i mean just like teeth stuff do you know like the decline of the

body like having to get i think having to get glasses sent me into a tailspin do you know i mean i didn't have it i got them when i was in my 30s so it was like okay so i guess that's that gone now and then i was like depressed and in a state of melancholy for like four months. For glasses? Me and James have been wearing glasses for a long time. You've been wearing glasses since 12? Yeah, since eight. Yeah, because I'm like, I was 20, 20.

And now I'm like, now I looked at some old bastard in a restaurant with, and it was a cool restaurant. It was when I was in London and it was someone who was basically in their probably 50s, phone torch on to read the menu in the thing. And I was like looking at them, furious with them, like scared of becoming them, but also jealous that I couldn't, I would have loved to have got my phone out. I would have loved to have got my phone out because I couldn't

read the menu at all. It was too dark. It was too dark. It was too dark. And so then I'm just like, well, what would you have? Do you know what I mean? This sort of thing. Do you know what that John Wick 4, you know, that's like uses doorbells sensors to fight his way through everything

because he's learned to adapt. That's me. My canny rat brain has learned to adapt to not being able to eat menu in restaurants by being charming. I'm currently Googling improve your eyesight naturally because I swear to you this is... You mentioned this before.

I know, but I'm pretty sure it happened. Eye yoga. I found it. Eye yoga. Paul McCartney. He's 81. Does it involve doing eye rolls? Because right now...

Yeah. James has been doing it for pretty much a year whenever we started recording this podcast. He's been rolling his eyes for nearly eight months. The thing is, I don't want you doing this, Sunil, because if you do it and then, I don't know, you might just end up with two eyes looking in different directions and I don't want you doing this, Sunil, because if you do it and then, I don't know, you might just end up with two eyes looking in different directions and I don't know.

I'll tell you what's happened today. That's reminded me. I'm catching some strays off Ramesh Ranganathan's Instagram. What do you mean? Like people who are just tagging me into it because he's put up an AI-generated Santa Claus picture of him, but it's basically just a fatter version of him and everyone's tagging me into that.

I got about 10 notifications today. People that don't even follow me are tagging me in. Thing is, you've got glasses and you're both Asian and you're like, pass that point. Thought he was talking to me and you. I didn't say this. I don't even say this. I don't even say this. He looks fucking great, though.

He's like a guy of an age who's ripped beyond all... Oh, fuck me. All right. Let's have a look. Hold it up in the middle. Aww. Aww. What do you mean, aww?

I don't have that beard anymore, have I? I've shaved the beard off, haven't I? No. Yeah, I know. That is me. That's my fucking face. Oh, yeah, that's I? No. Yeah, I know. That is me. That's my fucking face. Oh, yeah, that's a new special. No, this one's got your smile.

That's the... It's got the little mouth. Do you think... But to get to this point, it's probably... There's probably... Probably this insidious technology has probably scraped over some data points

that might have included you on somewhere. Like if it's comedian, if it's like basically depending on how your pictures have been tagged. But then knowing that, this whole conversation, today's incidents with this Instagram post are a good sort of trigger for me

to get unreasonably ripped over the next few months. It's the excuse. And this is a domino effect. If you're getting ripped because of AI, then I'm getting ripped because I can't not be ripped if you two are both ripped. Well, James, are you going to get ripped? James, are you going to get ripped?

I'm always on the cusp of starting to bother to get ripped, yeah. I try and do some exercises and I do it for about a week. You do. Sorry, James, just to stop you there, Chris is breathing quite heavily into the microphone I do I try and do some exercises and I do it for about a week you do sorry James just to stop you there Chris is breathing quite heavily into the microphone again

and I don't like it yeah when I'm talking about my buns of steel we'll get we'll get AI to take that out I think James is quite naturally ripped anyway

isn't he I think it's I think he's got a figure he's got a figure like a wardrobe that would hide a lot of sins. Do you know what I mean? If that was coupled with a natural inbuilt aggression,

I think you could be an absolute machine, James. I'm like a wardrobe. You want to know what's in my drawers? Yeah. You want to get in the case of your wife, you want to just smash it straight on Marketplace and get somebody to take it away. Free. Free.

Free. I can't have this taken up a room, a full room anymore. We inherited a wardrobe when we got in this house, and it's sort of nice, but it's just so ominously, insanely huge that it needs to go. It's just making the house feel too small. It's stressing me out. I would have thought, Chris, fitted wardrobes was more up your street.

It is, but not in this fiscal year. I need to wait for that second Soho theatre money to come through. You know some carpenters now, surely? I do, I know a bit of this, bit of that. I've got a friend. I've got friends who do a lot of things. While I've been away in London for a couple of days've got friends who do a lot of things we've had a, while we've been away in London for a couple of days turns out

as a little surprise, my mother-in-law has started a plasterer there was a bit of the wall in the front room, in the dining, in the middle room, the dining room, which was buggered, it was like falling to bits with the plaster so she got this as a little treat to us

she got the plasterer to come in and fix it for us which was brilliant and but apparently the plasterer said underneath the wall there's basically something that shouldn't be going on with the pipes a hot and a cold one next to each other he says it's fine but they shouldn't really be touching or near to each other in the way that they are because a hot and a cold next to each other just gradually create condensation so it's like there's not much to be done there's not much to be done there you go and it and we'll be fine for like a good while it'll just be in a few years do you know but the scale of work to basically move all the pipes around is like a very big job so it's like we'll kick that can down the road which brings us to merry

christmas christmas i i've got a little format for this episode and i'm desperate to stick to it so can we speak about so stop talking for 13 minutes okay okay if this is merry christmas merry is Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. So let's talk about the Christmas, the Christmas of, the Christmases of the past and yore. What's Christmas, what's going on? What sort of stuff in the past do you think about Christmas?

Like where did Christmas come from? Are you opening this up to the group? Yeah, this is a sort of a general chat about things to do with Christmas in the past. Like the 80s. You're asking us where does Christmas come from? Yeah, that's, come on, Chris, that's pretty basic level. Coca-Cola. Yeah.

Have you seen that new Coca-Cola advert, by the way? The AI one. They did an AI version of the trucks and it's all weird and the trucks are basically just skidding into town. And then an AI Father Christmas comes out and he's got like a toe for a thumb and stuff and it's all weird. So they're just imagining Santa putting his toe in my mouth. Why?

Why are you imagining that? I don't know, because you'd sort of set the scene but who's done it have the coca coa company done this i think they did it and then they withdrew it because everyone was like yeah it's bad though they're like we did this ai one and everyone when it looks bad looks weird it needs to be it's stealing everybody's work it produces but it does ai needs to be. It's stealing everybody's work. It produces bad. It does. AI needs to be. You know, like in June, where AI is banned in June because it's too dangerous. And I think that's true in the world of June. But we should ban it, but not because it's dangerous,

because it's boring and shit. But in June, AI is banned. So that's why spice is important with that drug because it's basically that it allows human consciousness to expand to the point that it lets interstellar the human brain can compute interstellar travel right well hang on what did they use this i never saw anyone take any spice in the films at this minute as far as i understand they take spice in order to be able that enhances them enough to be able to fly spaceships it's basically boiling it down to its brass tacks it's basically it's basically like it's like the if

spices like in your parlance that's like it's like doing poppers it's like doing poppers it's like doing poppers and driving a car it's like taking a load of speed and writing your dissertation I just think that because Chris is lying on his front a lot of the saliva is popping to the front of his mouth and the stuff he's talking

about makes him salivate if it's sci-fi he's going to have a wet mouth for this whole thing look at him he's gone no i'm a victim i'm a victim his complaints about ai and then this like i just want you to summarize that but not mentioning june he's up now so interesting watching him record this podcast rolling around on his bed i've never seen this before he's i'm like a baby with no neck muscles i can't support my own head

it's just gonna vomit straight down the camera right so, so that's Christmas in the past, is it? June. That can't be our Christmas chat. He's just told us what Spice does in Dune. That cannot be our Christmas chat. Christmas was invented. Chris Krampus. Chris Krampus

was the anti-Santa Claus. He still knocks around. He's still part of quite a lot of Chris Krampus was the anti-Santa Claus. Because I watched... He still knocks around. He's still part of quite a lot of European folklore and stuff around this time, isn't he? There's like the other lot. He's also in the film Red One with The Rock. Did you watch that film?

It is one of the worst things I've ever seen. Don't make any sense. Don't know what's going on. Absolutely bonkers. It's got ripped Santa, hasn't it? Absolutely jacked to hell, J.K. Simmons being Santa. sense don't know what's going on absolutely bonkers it's got ripped santa hasn't it absolutely jacked to hell jk simmons being santa isn't it that's that picture of him doing the barbell curls with massive beard and massive arms was that and everyone thought it was like something

to do with schneider verse or something but was it actually for red one it's for red one and it just seems like they got him that ripped and i'll tell you what in the film he didn't absolutely fucking batter a single person he's like an old he's in his i believe him to be in his 70s so he's like he's building this muscle mass in his 70s that's i mean they should put him on the stamps for my money what it's it this is a film that's not not a, but I mean, I think a lot of people are watching it, but basically it's a flop because The Rock is somebody that he needs. He took $50 million to appear in this bad film, which obviously made it, you know, the profitability of it crashed into the earth. Apparently he weeded a lot of bottles in this film.

Yeah, I'm not sure. The more I read about this guy, I'm not sure what's going on. What's he done? Eaten some bottles? No, he weeded them. Did a lot of weezing bottles. Did you have a do you have like a sort of a go-to Christmas film though? Obviously not read one. Like from your childhood.

One that you're trying to convince your kid to like, for example, Chris. Is this... I'm just trying to convince your kid to like, for example, Chris. Is this what this is? I'm just trying to get you to talk about Christmas in the past rather than fucking Dune. If you say Dune. Yeah. Frank Herbert's.

It's the TV series Dune Legacy. I'll tell you what we always used to, our family always used to. We always loved the Wallaces and Grommets and stuff. So we were very excited about the new Wallaces and grommets and stuff so we're very excited about about the new wallet and grommet and stuff like that so we yeah we did that like home alone do you know like these are these are classic these are classic films planes trains and automobiles i watched the other day that's a fun film that's isn't that thanksgiving yeah but it's all the same isn't it so in the so did you guys have any Christmas traditions?

How did Christmas roll out? I think from the way that we've talked about briefly our upbringings, even though we're all from different places in the country, I get a feeling that they were all kind of united by quite a similar thing, which is parents that fucking absolutely came quite a lot of alcohol. They were definitely surprised. I was like was like oh that sounds like my childhood like lots of lots of like driving into pub space playing pool do you know what i mean this is like i don't know if there was any pints on christmas day actually a boxing day drinking was a big thing main thing i remember

is that my i would never be able to find my Christmas present in the house before I was giving it on Christmas Day. It was always hidden really well. Like your Santa one or your parents' one? The one for my parents. Because I knew Santa didn't exist from an early age. Of course you did. I worked it out in my head. I did the numbers. You did

your own research. I did my own research. And that was without the internet and AI, if you think about it, when I was young. That's just really old. It's just a bit of graph paper. Yeah, graph paper, a couple of books, questioning some adults

and I found the answers very quickly. So you weren't really, you know, so I was wondering whether there's like a specific, as you mentioned,

trauma that created this, but it looks like it's just sort of been in there since it, from birth. So, God, I thought maybe, maybe it's just someone of been in there it's in tip from birth I'm sort of got a thought maybe he saw someone get in by a bus when it was far Is it traumatic

is it traumatic to have to get a Commodore 64 out the back of a Sierra on Christmas Day? I don't think so No, that's true, that's a hell of that's a hell, I had a Commodore 64 too, James Pond Zuul, do you know? And then as soon as you're old enough, Leisure Suit Larry on tape.

Lads, this is where the lads come in. This is a time when they used to make games for the lads. And they persuade your parents they were educational. Yeah. And in a way, they were. They still make Leisure Suit Larry. There's a PS4 version. version looked it up the other day oh yeah i think it's one of those things where people do you know where i would love if i had

some silly money i was saying this to my friend if i if i if my euro millions come in i would love to there's a few franchises from the old and past that I would love to buy. Yeah. And sort of relaunch like Earthworm Jim. I thought Earthworm Jim was exceptionally funny and has a lot of potential. Duke Nukem, because I think that's where society is going. I think that did have a redo, didn't it? Yeah, but it was very bad. But basically there was a big chunk of history the last 20 years

where Duke Nukem, the character, was not right for our society. But now that society is only boys are being born and it's like the reign of the incels looms, Duke Nukem's about to come back big time. And the thing is, he's not actually sexist because Duke Nukem is trying to save the babes. And that's something that the woke mind virus lot often wouldn't pick up on that nuance.

Is it sexist to give a stripper money? Exactly. And say, shake it, baby? Shake it, baby. Yeah. Lots of secrets in those games. That's why I like them. There was something else I wanted to say about Christmas stuff,

Christmas traditions. Did you like always, so you didn't care about Christmas from almost day dot, but we'd always, my dad would be, my dad was, it was and is a key driving force of Christmas and he would be up too excited, too excited up at three, four in the morning. Like he would always be up before it was on christmas day he'd always go

down he'd have he'd do a cup of tea and a bacon sarnie type thing and he'd be waiting for us to get up and now they're coming around ours for christmas so you're like they're like yeah he's just the same like still up whereas i'm i'm just a different type of dad i'm like yeah well what what have you done decorations wise have you obviously you obviously created... We've got, well, I mean, again, this is £2,000 on a carpet, so we've got a carpet. There's two bedrooms. That's not just one mad carpet. But it's an expensive carpet downstairs.

But we've done that, so we've got the tree up. We've had a bit of plastering done. We've painted the room green. It's a nice... Our house is a mad bits and pieces house but we're doing little bits and we've put up but you've got decorations out there haven't you i assume both of you have got real trees as well that's how i see you both in the countryside yeah but i would have been like let's just get a plastic tree and just keep it and use

it for 20 years but nicola's like she's nicola's coming like a wrecking ball into my traditional vision yeah so we've got a brand new we go cut the tree down and it's wicked there's a place like fields that grow in the fells there was and you go and you like tag it and then some like mad lad with a chainsaw comes around and like oh right chainsaws it down in front of you and then runs it through a big thing and you take it home. It's kind of cool. But there's a lot of Christmas traditions. I remember on Christmas Day when I lived in Bradford when I was younger, because my dad's like one of seven,

and a lot of them lived in the same bit of Bradford. So basically on Christmas, all the men, all the Cantrell men would go out on Christmas Day for two, three pints, you know, for a few hours. And when Nicola came on the scene, she was like, no. No, we're not doing that. And I was like, yeah, you know what? You're absolutely right. I don't think I've ever been in the pub on Christmas. Christmas Day, Christmas Eve.

Yeah, that was a big thing. Like when I was a teen, late teen, early twenties, Christmas Eve. Yeah, that was a big thing. Like when I was a teen, late teen, early twenties, Christmas Eve. I could never do it. So my mates used to go on, you know, I'd get so out of my mind,

drunk, that Christmas mornings are very tough. I understand as well, like when you're, when you're like 18 and I don't know, my brother was always

four years younger, so I didn't want to be 18 and just totally out of my mind. Especially, it sounds like when you'd be coming home, your dad would be up. Yeah.

His cup of tea welcoming you in. He'd think I was Santa. Jingle, jingle. What time are you going to get up on Christmas Day then you guys? Have you got to get stuff ready? It'll be early. It'll be, we've got my mum and dad around and then we've got

Nicola's mum and dad and brother around on Christmas Day. We'll be up very early like my mum and dad around and then we've got Nicola's mum and dad and brother around on Christmas day we'll be up very early and a lot of it will be basically wrestling the boy

to a time but basically we kind of have to be led by him but if it there's a point where we have to be like

no this is too early do you know but if if it's a like it normally would be one for getting up around six o'clock so if that becomes five o'clock then we're just gonna kind of have to roll with it because it's we can't put that genie back on the box on christmas day but if it's like three o'clock then

piss off you can go back to bed for an hour do you know what i mean like that's sort of a balancing act but you really just have to surrender to it. And it's Christmas and you're a bit tired. And I, I, I would be one to hit like a little Christmas rum based cocktail quite early, you know, just to be a bit fuzzy for the first hour or whatever. And then you just kind of ride the day through.

I said to Nicola, I said, if you want me to get out of your hair for a couple of hours, I could go down to the pub down the road. Again, she said, no, absolutely not. Yeah, I think we'll do that. And then it's like, I'm basically just trying to get to six o'clock to watch Wallace and Gromit.

And then I think that's Christmas done. 6pm. It's on at 6pm. So that's like what, what, six till eight or something? And you're like, you know what? But pass it back. I hate eating too much on Christmas. I hate it.

I hate being overly full. I don't enjoy it. Do you know what I mean? So if you don't, I have to juggle, not juggle it, but be very careful on Christmas day. Because it's like we'll have canapes and stuff like that. Nicola does like, we're doing croquettes and these little Tostini type things.

It's really nice and stuff. But if I'm not careful, then I can overfill and be sort of just in a state of, just a lot of Christmas memories to me are just like largely feeling uncomfortable for some reason. I mean, that is actually the point of it, isn't it? When it was a sort of pagan festival, it was like using up a lot of the stuff they'd stored, not using it up,

but there's like a feast of stuff that they'd stored over the winter and they're like right let's fucking get them all out let's have a good one yeah i guess because it's around the time that is it the the days start yeah yeah that's it days start getting 21st would have been the shortest day of the year my head's already in january is a clear time for a clean slate in terms of, because I've been like fannying around in London and stuff and that is little cocktails and like a pizza there and that, do you know what I mean? And you're like, I need to get back to. Where are you having these little cocktails in London?

You never told me you, you never even told me you were down the last couple of days. Well, yeah, but we're doing the recordings all day from like dawn till dusk. Do you mean the cans from M&S? No, but we have had those. They're like, it's the only play, but I want to do this Christmas.

I do have a question though. What are you two lads doing in lieu of what we had growing up, which is the Christmas Radio Times? Got it. To figure out your tea. You've got it, it's still going. Got the Christmas Radio Times. We've got four different coloured highlighters and i'm trying to implement a system where everyone goes through

with their own color highlighter highlights it it's only really me and my wife have done that and the boys the boys are just right in there they're just written netflix we'll watch netflix Well, all of it's available on streaming again afterwards anyway, isn't it? We're going to be at the in-laws and their telly internet situation is poor. Because it's an old house so it's got thick walls so it doesn't

let the internet through. Have they got a DVD player? Yes. I think so. And probably a couple of the Mission Impossible films. You can borrow some of my Criterion collection if you like. Lads, it's time to get reacquainted with a little thing I like to call Army of Darkness, aka Evil Dead 3.

The Wong Kar Wai box set for the boys. Get a Takeshi Mike? This film is irreversible. Right, go on then, Chris. Sorry, Christmas past. So that was Christmas past. And now, Sonil, what we're going to move on to now is talking about Christmas present,

which is right now a closely main present. Has everybody got everyone's presents and stuff? All nailed. I panicked just now, just before this call, I panicked because I'd gotten my, I got my wife, she doesn't listen to this.

I got my wife a present of like a, a journal-y type thing. And I absolutely panicked that I put the wrong year on it. Cause you can like, you know, put your, you know, personalize it.

I thought I'd just put 2024 no okay could be really interested if you put 2089 or something like that like just a random yeah what a mad like far future

yeah yeah do you know I would be happy with someone if they got me a year dive and it said 13 first eight on it you know that's Pete

like sort of black deaf here with that you know you certainly write in a different style wouldn't you yeah like hey nonny nonny type stuff you know, that's Pete, like sort of black death over that, you know. You'd certainly write in a different style, wouldn't you? Yeah, like,

hey, nonny nonny type stuff, you know. So you've got that, I've got, what are we, me and Nicola aren't really doing presents this year,

but I've got a couple of little bits. Does, does she know that? Yes, because we discussed it. Because we basically, I bought myself a comic book when I was in London and was like, can you buy me this?

Because I want to read it. And she went, yeah. So we basically done something like that. And the thing- What was it? It's called The Hobstown Mysteries. And I don't know what it is yet. Just a lot about the cover.

Fired off a lot of excited things in my brain. It's got like, it's about, it's something about a small town. It's got mysteries in it. It's got like, there's a man wearing boxer shorts, wearing a mask and stuff. And I was like, this seems like, I mean, I had to check the name to be like, have I actually written this?

And you're like, no, it's actually, it's another person. So we're doing that. But the big thing is, you know, we're living in this? And you're like, no, it's actually, it's another person. So we're doing that. But the big thing is, you know, we're living in a chaos house and stuff like that. So we're getting and sort of basically pooling the money to buy an Uber. So Nicola has largely picked up, you know, the mental load of starting all Christmas because I've just been swatting around in London having little cocktails.

Swatting around. Don't delete the bit about pizzas and little cocktails. But, yes. So we've done that, and we've got to get a few little bits and pieces. The thing is, I've got as well, it's Christmas, but it's my dad's birthday. Your dad's Jesus.

Yeah. No, his dad's birthday, like, yesterday, and it's just all he wants is a card. But I don't know. Obviously, I'm not lying on there. I'm not falling on the crutch that he's ADHD because I definitely am being diagnosed with it. But it would be brilliant to use it as an excuse

when I get distracted. I find remembering birthdays almost unfathomably difficult. I can't do it you're just a recurring appointment in your google calendar i've done that now but basically what i want what i've always wanted to do with presents is do the year's shopping but in like a mad month you know like march or april have it all lined up in a box yeah yeah and then forget to forget to forget about the box, you know. I think that's a solution, just like tackling it. So then it's like unleash hell on 1st of December.

Send everything to everyone, like a barrage of arrows. You don't do cards, do you? I can't remember general birthdays. I can't do cards. It's not the stage of my life where I can do cards. I can't do cards. I can't read board game rules. These are things that I really want to be good at. But also as I've got older,

just agreed not to punish myself for being bad at this sort of stuff. Although I do have to, you know, moon pig, let my dad down, not me. I'm right. Okay. That's the story, is it? That's the official line.

What about you, Sunil? What presents have you got? I don't, I mean, I'm going home to my mother's for Christmas, but she doesn't, we don't really do Christmas presents, but I did this year.

I bought her like an, After you shattered them with the Santa news. After you showed her a presentation with a pie chart another telescopic like a telescopic pointer global map on there saying impossible impossible yeah so in conclusion impossible no but i got a fancy candle today so I'll just give her that. London's good for fancy candles. Oh, yes. I went to a shop called Space NK,

which seems to be a shop of fancy smelling things. It's very nice. I was there with a friend who basically said, get that, that'll do. And I looked at the price and I said, fuck off. And then she said, no, no, definitely. And I went, right, fine and are you so you're going home and are you

going to in-laws and you're going to in-laws yeah and we're hosting and we've got like loads of family around so we've got like there's going to be four kids so it's going to be a very kid

do you mingle which do you mingle the sides of the family like as in do you have like yes your family mixed

with the wife's family yes so that was Christmas past. And then it seamlessly blended into Christmas present. Yeah, yeah. The important thing for you to think about, Sonil, is that these are three distinct sections. So where does that bring us up to?

Someone's done his books. Oh, someone's done his books. Oh, someone's done his books. Oh, where's my phone? I need my phone. Shall I ring it? Oh, I've got it here. Right. It's rolling around on the bed again.

Listener, he's rolling around on the bed again. He's kicked his trousers off. I'm having a good time. Right. No, the trousers are on. The trousers are on. This is safe. People are emailing it.

People are emailing this podcast, you know. It's a huge hit. You're not sharing any of that with us. I know I've been catching up, I've been away, but from now on I'm sort of back and I'm getting my head around it. Right, so the Ghost of Christmas Future. So we've already talked about it. The forbidden

knowledge that is AI. The deep forbidden tech. The list, right, so we were contacted it was sent an email by a listener called Kate, who has basically asked an internet machine, is it sentient? Is it not? Can it outwit a human being? But what she's done is she's asked an AI, a chat GPT or whatever,

to write a Christmas story in the style of me. So I'm just going to read it now and we can sort of see whether it's done a good job. And we'll see if we can replace you going forward, I guess. I've got a friend who did. He was making a podcast and he used like an AI, he created like an AI model of Richard, not Richard Attenborough, he's the actor david attenborough it was built anyway so if we can get our voices modeled

and get them chained to my all of the words but that's what there's there's ai scams that basically scam people's parents with their kids voices on the phone yeah no no i understand that and what i want to know is how we get in on that. Do you know what I mean? Like, what's it called? Like, latent income stream. Ticking away in the background. Passive income.

This is the absolute cuss-to-fuck Christmas catastrophe by Chris Cantrell as prompted by Kate. So this is me speaking. Right. Gather round, you magnificent bastards because i need to tell you about the most batshit mental christmas that ever decided to shit itself inside out wow okay yeah and yes i know christmas is already weird as tits with the whole flying reindeer bollocks but this one takes the fucking biscuit wipes its ass with it and then questions the

entire concept of digestive systems where do you want us to jump in here because i think i don't know like that's the first that's the first paragraph i i was just thinking i have heard you say tits a lot so that makes sense bollocks less so no that's because you say i'm gonna draw pictures with eight tits and i'm saying i'm not drawing eight i've only ever said i'm drawing eight tits in response to you accusing me of drawing pictures with eight tits did you say it or not i think the record would show but but if it was like i would get my lawyer to say under like extenuating circumstances under duress so far it's like, I always think with,

I think when you find your voice as a comedian, I remember thinking that some of the jokes that I'd tell, if they were written down on a bit of paper, would be gibberish to someone else. And I thought, you know, that's when I sort of found my thing, because I can say this and it's funny, but it would look like the insane rampage of a serial killer if someone else were to stumble upon it written down.

And that's what this feels like a little bit. Let me do a little bit more. So there's this poor sod called Sam who works at this pissing garden centre. Are you not Miss Blue normally, are you? No, I don't like, yeah. Right in the Christmas department, surrounded by artificial trees that look like they were assembled by a committee of arseholes who'd been drinking paint thinner. Proper shit trees, mate.

The kind that makes you question everything you know about photosynthesis. That's, I mean, I'm warming to that. That sounds more Chris. That could be me. That last bit, the bit about photosynthesis, that could be me. It's Christmas Eve and Sam's about to tell this festive hellscape to go fuck itself for another

year, where this absolutely wankered looking owl flies in through the door. Now, this isn't the first time I've written about an owl this week. Now, this isn't your standard twatting owl. This magnificent feathery dickhead is wearing a tiny waistcoat

and adjusting it like some bellend about to pitch on Dragon's Den. That's a little bit too blue. It reads like you're drunk. Which is why, you know, I don't want to drink now. The owl, this absolute champagne socialist of the bird world, lands on a display of reduced Christmas puddings and says, and I swear on everything holy and profane, you've been selected to be this year's emergency backup father Christmas,

you lucky bastard. Sam's response, quite reasonably, is, what in the name of Satan's sweaty ball bag? Oh, man, there's still so much to go. I mean, I'm not buying it. I wouldn't, yeah, I wouldn't believe it's you. You're not yet talking about Dune. You see, if I wrote,

if me or James read that in our voices, it wouldn't clearly be Chris Cantrell's, you know, writing. Are there any bits that jump out as being particularly you? Like I thought the tree bit sounded there's a bit further down so so i can put this i get the i think we can get the vibe yeah we can get the the the the crutch i can put the full i'll put i'll put the full thing in the discord group

for them to pour over but there's a bit like almost where it's someone saying, I've got three cans of Monster battling it out in my bloodstream and enough anxiety to power a small city of nervous breakdowns. And I thought, I thought that is fucking literature. That's you very much. I don't know much about art. It makes you wonder if, because I do think about this all the time, like where is this? I think the thing with, this is a fun thing to do rather than a laugh but this has a machine has scraped stuff that i've done

from various places i wonder if there's like stuff that i've done like old huge old sets or something like that i basically i wonder whether this is a version of me that I have matured out of. Yeah. Maybe there's some stuff. Because I often think, like, I have to sort of, to some degree, make a go of this. Because I've done, me and Amy did a video about Christmas

where we did, like, a two-minute rap about cum. It's like, I can't go back to the world of work traditionally. I wonder whether it's basically stuff from, really, It's like I can't go back to the world of work traditionally. I wonder whether it's basically stuff from really 10 years ago that are data points in this. And you're like, like now, with my last show, I think, very, very purposefully, I'm not swearing in it a lot because I don't need it. But where it has got you is that it's quite surreal

and that's what you do And not many other people do. What is it? Doesn't it give a little sort of like, like a, an outline of what it did at the end? Yeah. It says, it says,

I've written, this is the robot. This is the machine talking to Neo. I've written this Christmas tale, maintaining Chris's signature style with absurdist humour, creative profanity, profanity and surreal situations. And you're like, you know what?

If that was written up in the Times, I'd be like, slap it in the press pack. There you go. I think that's unsettling, but fun. Undeniably fun. Thank you, Kate. Chris, it's good to know that you've got quite a strong style that can be done like that.

I mean, a lot of, you know. But I don't think it can. The thing is, like, you know, with AI coming for jobs and stuff like that, it's largely terrifying. But I'm not as nervous as some people probably should be. Do you know, like, these people, when we were dealing with estate agents and mortgage brokers, you're like, lads, head on the chopping block, please.

The sooner that your jobs get replaced by a fucking computer, the better, because you are bad at this. Whereas I do believe there's so many jobs like that that are knocking around that are going to be before. Like, I feel largely unfettered by AI at the minute because they're not making great inroads, as I see it, into creative spaces. But that could change.

I just believe in my gut that largely AI is... I heard someone describe it. It was like some sort of thinker man. AI isn't necessarily like some existential threat it's pollution if you think of it's like plastic in the ocean it's overwhelming the internet and if you go on any social media site it's just full of it now and you start to see it everywhere also when i was in edinburgh i noticed that you know there's all these like tat shops that are like highland type stuff well just like the same ones that you

were getting london but the scottish equivalent they were full of ai generated images you know of like highland cows photorealistic we do bees and that we do bees yeah but highland cow was doing like on a surfboard or something i could say i could see that they were creating, no one's made this image. It's like an AI generated thing that someone has just ran through, printed off high res and then printed them in frames, like in those tat shops. So it's not like, you know, I don't know. I don't know.

A chilling omen of the future, Christmas future. I think this is reflecting everyone's Christmas dinner conversation, really, isn't it? It's going to be about AI. Someone's going to be banging on about AI. Yeah. Someone in the house is banging on about AI and nobody understands it at all.

And Merry Christmas to you both and to all of our listeners. Yes. Yes, Chris. Merry Christmas. Yeah, Merry Christmas. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns. We hope you enjoyed the show and we hope that you learned something too.

I learned via three distinct format points that it's important to promote podcasts you're on that's great sonil oh wow what a wonderful thing to hear you can support this podcast as well if you want by heading to patreon.com forward slash rural concerns and for the price of a pint you'll get bonus episodes plus access to our online discord server which sunil you need to promise me that you will join in 2025 i promise i will join it in 2025 and if you want to not be a scrooge you can also leave us a five-star review on spotify or apple podcasts it has to be a five-star review by the way what happens if it's not a five star review if it's four stars or less then all you'll be unwrapping on christmas morning is a big box of those tiny

little polystyrene balls and fox shit probably best make it five stars then our artwork is by poppy hilstead and our music is by sam o'leary rule concerns was edited by joseph technogrinch burrows and it was produced by egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Hang about, who's this tugging at my sleeve? It's Tiny Tim. What's up, young man? A Merry Christmas to us all. God bless us, everyone.

And have you got any good power bank recommendations? What a wonderful thing that's happened. Merry Christmas. Aww. Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas to you all. And we'll see you soon. Merry Christmas.

I need to cough. I need to cough. Okay, I'm back. Was that a cough? I muted. Good, because otherwise,. Was that a cough? I muted. Good, because otherwise you don't know what coughing is. It was like you were turning to have your photo taken. It was so delicate.

It's like those people that do incredibly silent sneezes. Don't trust them. And then you're causing internal damage. Let it out. It's one of the few things that you can just enjoy. Not just blowing up your own diaphragm quietly. Yeah. When they like try and completely block their nose off

and you just hear like an atom bomb going off in a documentary, three houses down. Yeah, but that's a brilliant sound effect, by the way. That really sums up an image. Bong. Like that.