Rural Concerns - Swears, tailors & birds of prey

Episode Date: February 4, 2025

Tensions are running high in the build up to the first ever live show. Chris regrets joining Leek Club, James has no spatial awareness and Sunil just wants it all to end.   Listen up, nerds! Chris is heading on a tour of the UK with his Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated show, Easily Swayed. He’s off to Gilsland, Edinburgh, Manchester (sold out), Leeds (sold out), Leicester, Bristol (selling fast). Grab your tickets, here!   Drop us an email at [e-mail] if you have a Rural Concern you’d like discussed! The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than five quids you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Click here to start supporting Rural Concerns today!   Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and the music is by Sam O’Leary. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Hello, this is the powerful and dynamic podcast Rural Concerns. My name is Sunil Patel. I live in London, home of e-bikes and financial crime, both of which I indulge in daily. And my name is Chris Cantrell. I live in a house in the countryside that's so big, I cannot find my wife. I used to live in London, but it gave me autism. Your turn, James. I'm producer James.

I'm nine foot tall and have a forehead made of granite. I will headbutt your head clean off your shoulders if you disturb my commute from the Cotswolds. Yeah, so we all just have a chat about what those two lads are up to in the countryside. And let me tell you now, it's wet and gross. Yes, Chris is going to be a bit late. From the look of that picture,

he looks like he is directing in planes on a runway. What's he wearing? He's wearing a fluorescent top. Ever slu-fluorescent. But the countryside is green, so I don't understand how it's going to make him stand out. Unless he's running along a road. Yeah.

I don't know why he needs noise-cancelling headphones for this. There's no noise out there. No. He's just... All it is is birdsong. I reckon he's listening to a podcast, isn't he, instead of the sounds of nature. Do you think a podcast,

or do you think one of these bands that he mentions? What, Linkin Park? Where are you? You look like you're in a school. No, I'm in my downstairs room that I record from. But yes, there is kid stuff. You two got such big houses. It's disgusting. Yeah, but they're not in London. Yeah, no, fair play. Fair play, actually.

It's very much the difference. What are we talking about square footage wise? I don't know. I'm terrible at area, distance, most most numbers what are you best at width height or depth vibes this furniture has vibes yeah let's get it in through the door i like the vibes oh the sofa won't fit in but it has lovely vibe i've got to get a sofa james yes well i've got to get a lot of stuff because my flatmate is moving out and taking stuff.

I thought you were going to be alright with just your weight bench. Well, I've got another person moving into the spare room now. Right. So it won't do to have her standing up.

Whilst you get jacked. Whilst I get jacked on the weights bench. Standing with a cup of tea in the corner. She can sit on the floor, I guess. Or lean.

Lean on a wall or something. Or just go and sit on her bed or something. What's on your cup? Is it sushi or is it sweets? It's cats on sushi. It's sushi cats. Here he is. Linford.

Linford over here. Chris, the lunchbox control. Oh my God, he's shouting. I'm not shouting. I could just hear myself echoing on someone's headphones, though. That's because he's shouting. I'm not shouting. I could hear myself echoing on someone's headphones though. That's because you're shouting. I've turned him down in our ears. I'm only four minutes.

That's two or three K at the speed you run. I think that's an achievement considering I was up a fell. What's a fell? A fell, a Cumbrian fell. I was running just on the perimeter of a RAF base. What are you looking for? Aliens and that? Oh, have I talked about the RAF base?

No. Give me two minutes. I've just got to get my running trainers off. Uh-oh, listener, you caught me. They caught me going for a 10K. Uh-oh, caught red-handed. What are they? Have they got little lights on the heel?

Are they heelies? They got little wheels. I'm are they heelies they got little wheels i'm gonna go grab my hot cross bun okay they've both gone now but we're still recording not much to report really this end don't know if anyone wants to give me an old sofa preferably not full of your farts thank you right it's that right he's back does my volume sound okay i don't know i'm not the producer but you sound fine to me. Yeah, you appreciated that that was a bit salty coming from you, didn't you? You dialed it back a bit.

You put it out there and then you were like, nah, it's a bit salty. I'm going to offer him an olive branch. Sick of this. Sick of this tardiness. Yeah, this is bad on my part. I've gone fully mad today prepping for the live show. I'm at the point now where I've gone... I just have bad on my part i've gone i've got fully mad still prepping for the live show i i'm at the point now where i've gone i just have to concede i've

gone mad well i thought we agreed a long time ago that this podcast was slop for idiots turns out i don't think less of idiots no no no no i mean we're idiots no i no i deserve idiots deserve finally produced this gruel is made with love and I hope you like it. Are you okay? I just need a haircut, bit of a beard trim. Are you going to get it done for Saturday? I'm going to get it done

after Saturday, unfortunately. I couldn't get an appointment in time. You know my haircuts take a day, unfortunately. Yeah, because you have to go out to the airport. You have to have your hair cut with a view of the 705 from Beijing coming in,

hitting the tarmac. James, are you at your house? Can I see that door behind you? It's a nice door, that. That's a double door. It's a turn-of-the-century door. You won't see a double door in London? No.

Wowee. Is that a chandelier? Yeah, it's kind of like cottony pom-poms pom-poms pom-poms you can see it from outside and about a month after we got it we heard someone walking past going oh look at that light listener just to describe what we're seeing james has a chandelier in his living room that's made out of bits of cotton wool buds, I think. Old teddy bears and that. Little, it's just like strands of cotton.

It's not really a chandelier, it's just a hanging light. That's nice. It's nice to have a bit of decoration in the house, isn't it? My wife is very good at those things. Yes, it's Haig blue. What, as in the Haig? Paint. It's got nothing to do with war crimes.

This is what the Nazis see when they get their books thrown at them. as in the Hague. Paint, it's not, it's got nothing to do with war crimes. The international, this is what the Nazis see when they get the book thrown at them. The ones that didn't move to Argentina. Right, so. Is that true though? Did they? Yeah, they did, didn't they?

Yeah, they did. They also, I think we talked about this before, but a lot of them just got put to work by the US government in NASA. Operation paperclip. Operation Paperclip. Operation Paperclip. It's insane.

The guy that invented the V2 bomber also worked on the Apollo mission. It is mad to me how hard it is to make a big rocket because it feels so simple. Me and Sonil did a little interview about stand-up shows. Did you do that interview? The one that I insisted that I be involved in? Yes, we did.

But they weren't asking. They were just saying that they were to promote our stand-up shows. I was going to ring you about it. But it's because we're both doing shows in Edinburgh and it was about the shows. Yeah. And then you bring in the podcast. What else are you up to? We did bring the podcast in

and the interviewer said, I've listened to it. It seems like it's kind of not really about the countryside at all. And I was like, right, okay. Well, should we at least start off with some countryside chat? Yes. We should do. There is the countryside, mate.

What were you running from in that field earlier, Chris? Father time. Chasing me, chasing me. He's getting closer and closer. Well, James and I wanted to know what you were listening to on headphones in the countryside. What do you think it could be? I like to listen to, you know, mate,

I listen to a lot of, like, 90s type, you know, Biggie Smalls type hip hop, because I like to think I'm bombing around these Cumbrian forests. And I think nobody has listened to Biggie Smalls in these little forests. So I do that. Sometimes I listen to a podcast. Not this one, obviously. You want one about the countryside?

What about the countryside? Because I feel like starved of it. So I did that. But today I was just listening to a big mix of stuff and I but I did I've started running again my running journey is that I went mad on it last year in before 39 40th year because I got an app and it like you know so it gamifies it so basically I'd best I'd I'd do 2k and then I'd set a record for 2K and then you can improve that record and then you extend it.

And so I had loads of them, but then I got to a point where I won't really take it off anything new. And then I hurt my leg and my interest in it just almost totally evaporated. But I've decided that I need to get back on it because it's like a thing that I do where it's good for my brain.

I hear you. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I do where it's good for my brain. I hear you. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It is good. I've got a treadmill under my bed, but I've got no space for it here. Yeah. So if I get that out, I'll be fucking sprinting on the spot.

No problem. So countryside business. I've been running in the countryside. A little dog came and tried to attack me, and it ran up because some people want their dogs up there where I run outside this perimeter of the RAF base and the dogs and this lady was not in control of this dog. It was only a little one. And I said, Whoa, like that. I said, back off because it was only like a tiny little terrier.

And if it had gone for me, I've had a booted it and I'd taken his head off. So I was like, let it come at me and then started running away from it. So that's one. I think we'll come back on the RAF base. I'm about to put in an order for some topsoil because I have to get on top of this League Club situation. Oh, God, finally. Yes. Yeah, you do, mate.

Yeah, my dad started messaging me to be like, you know, you need to move on this League Cup situation soon. And I'm like, oh, dad, I don't want to do it. Will you come and do it for me? I basically have to get some top salt to fill up a bed to plant a leak, and then we're good to go. Yeah. You're just planting one leak for the competition.

You're just putting all your leaks in one leak basket. Also, you just coughed right into the mic. You just went. Well, we're on separate feeds. Fucking mute it. Just, that would help the edit. Help Joe the editor. Right, real tetchiness in the air today.

We've all come in pretty hot, pretty angry as well. Theory. Absolutely. You should be calm after your run, but you're angry. Yeah, but I hate being late. I'm saying it's fine i don't care if you're late anymore i've made my peace with it that was last week's argument no arguments i'll tell you what i'm prepping for the live show can i weigh in on the countryside issues is that the countryside stuff you're just naming some animals small dogs elite

i do have actually something that I just remembered. Me and Nicola were driving up around this forest. Guess what we saw? A dog. Way off. Cow. Two dogs. Two dogs fucking.

I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Like a hawk. Like a hawk. We were driving on the road and Nicole was driving and I was in the car on my phone or something. She said, Chris, look, there's someone on the road. I went, no, what is it, a tree or something?

Stood bolt upright. It was like a hawk on top of something like roadkill. Oh, nice. And it was massive. And when we got close, it like flew off. So it sort of for a second was flying, you know, parallel next to the car. Yeah.

So we saw it's like full wingspan, but it was insane. What is it, like six foot wingspan, something like that? They're big though, aren't they, these ones over there? Yeah, and I don't exactly know what it was. I don't know whether it was a hawk. I don't know whether it was like a kite or a falcon or some sort of witch subsidiary or that. To me, it looked exactly like, you know,

those hawks that are on like all the American stuff, the eagles. Bald eagle. But I know it wasn't one of them. It can't have been one of them. But it was an impressive bird of prey. What we're hoping is that it was on top of a bit of world kill

that was like pheasant or a badger or something like that. And we hope it wasn't on top of a dead hawk. You know, like they paired up. A hawk on hawk.

No, not hawk on hawk. Like, you know, sometimes, you know, like the wood pigeons pair up and fly around together. So then when one of them dies. They do necrophilia. They do necrophilia. Do of them dies... They do necrophilia. They do necrophilia.

Do they? No. Aviatory necrophilia. It's very dangerous. Do we just... Sorry, just to quickly pause it. Do we know anything about hawks? Any of us?

Chris has seen some on an American paraphernalia. So, yeah. I've seen one on a Zippo lighter once, yeah. I got a cool belt buckle. So we're all fully up to speed but these hawks are they the ones that they like reintroduce to parts of the countryside to like sort out the ecosystem or something can i weigh in on that yeah please but if you've got something to say fucking if you've got something pertinent to say about hawks please do step in no move so moving on no james come in so where i live on the m40 corridor they've

reintroduced it red reintroduced red kites very successfully i saw some yeah when i was out there yeah and they are all over the place yeah in the height of summer they they sort of spin around the town market square because it's a big lump of concrete or lump of pavement that gets really hot. And so they can just ride the thermals. And someone a few doors down, I think they feed them. What? Because you'll see these red kites dive bomb in this person's garden. So what do they normally eat?

Like little field mice and stuff? Kids. Kids, you've got to be careful. So are they still, are they now the apex predator? Is that still us? Yeah, they've overtaken man. Yeah, they've got a thumb.

They've got a wobbly thumb and now they're... They're also texting. They're ringing doorbells properly. Keep catching them on their ringer. There are a lot of them. There's probably, I think there's more

than they originally hoped. Someone should take care of that, James. BB gun. I'm very into rewilding. I'm into the really wild show. Terry, nookie.

I would like to see like wolves. Wolves? Yes, that's the name. Wart hogs. Like hogs. Wart hogs. Wild hogs.

Wild hogs. But were they ever native to this country, wolves? No, I don't think so. What, boars, probably? Boars and bears? I don't want bears back. Stick a few bears in. Wolves would be cool.

Would they? What, a big fucking, you know, national trust? Um. What are you talking about? You breaking down in the Astra on an A-road and being eaten by a wolf before the AA get to you? You'd stand no chance with wolves out there. Yeah, yeah, AA.

Now, someone has to pay them more because they need to be kicked out at night. Like dog handlers. You know, those mattresses around their legs and stuff. As the sort of representative of the midpoint between countryside and city. The cul-de-sac, if you will. Can I tell you

about when I saw a massive hawk in a city? Well, I'll tell you what, James, there's absolutely no stopping you today. I've got so many points. You've got so many points. Off the train from the countryside, hot into the city walk along the road there's a bloke walking holding a golden eagle what just just holding it walking along

in that london yeah like it was nothing and if anything he had a london attitude because i was like double taped and was like kind of raised eyebrows, like you're holding a hawk. He just sort of looked at me like, yeah, I'm a hawk. I'm sorry about that. Like, no, if you're walking in a city holding a bird of prey, you should be ready for people to express surprise and have a bit of game about it. You can't be over it.

That's not the right attitude. He's taking it to one of those like corporate team building days, you know, where you get people who like some guy that's not the right attitude. He's taking it to one of those like corporate team building days, you know, where you get people who like some guy that's climbed Everest and you're like, I climbed Everest, so now you too can nail your quarterly sales targets. But they're doing that and they're like, well, now this is, you know, just to show you what you think about risk management in the finance sector is a lot like being attacked by a jackal generating

alpha is like a thawed out mouse fetus yeah there's so many which is which you start picking out the similarities between birds of prey and working in the corporate structure it's it's endless it's endless also on my bike ride to the station or back from the station which is now during the hours of darkness regularly see an owl have a little owl sweeping over me me and Nicola last week were driving

back if you tell us that you saw a bird of prey on the road again we're going to have to have an intervention no but we saw an owl but it wasn't dead. It basically took off. And I often say when I'm driving up late, I will catch the tail end of an owl.

Do you know what I mean? Literally. No, no, just like flying out of view. You just see a flash of it. Whereas this time me and Nicola were driving and it was night and it basically set off zoomed in front of the car and stayed flying in front of it so saw this out and it was amazing like the start of labyrinth like the start exactly like the start of labyrinth jesus

so when we just followed it very gently for a bit and then it flew off in another direction and it was boom boom it was yeah right into it accelerated do was... Boom. Boom. It was, yeah. Right into it. Accelerated. Do you want to know what I saw last week? Yeah, go on. Was it a bird-related thing? I saw my birthday. Oh. I feel weak-talked about this.

I'm having you to talk about other things and then at the end it was like, oh, yeah. I think I did actually speak to you on your birthday as well and I forgot it was your birthday. I'm sorry, Sunil. Happy birthday, Sunil. think I did actually speak to you on your birthday as well. And I forgot it was your birthday. I'm sorry. So now happy birthday. So now, well, did you have a good time?

Yeah. I watched Skyfall. Did you ever get, was it good? Was it, did it hold, does it hold up? Played on my phone all the way through.

What are you playing? Just Instagram and that, that game. Nice. Cool game. But I mean, I think Charlie Brooker did like the best games of like, whenever it was the 2015s or something.

It did put Twitter as the top game on it. Did he? Oh, right. Okay. Well, yeah, obviously he didn't go on that. Oh, I had tapas as well. Ooh. Yeah, this is actually interesting.

Patatas bravas? No, patatas bravas was not ordered. Oh. And I was going to be angry about it, but instead, a massive paella. Paella, yeah. And I was very happy again nice went to this restaurant that had half price tapas and the waiter came up to us and we were the only table in there did he check if you'd out there before yeah he did actually for the best always for the

best he said have you eaten here before we were like no and he went we also do pizza so he gave us a pizza menu as well as the tapas why is is that good though? It's just that I understand if we're talking about dining out, you know, like when you go to Nando's and if you have, obviously we've all been going to Nando's for a hundred years, but if you were brand new to Nando's, there's a bit of a quirk to the ordering system when they're paying at the till and this and that and how you select your dishes. But if it's like, have you been here before?

Well, we've got stuff, it's on that menu. You read it and you pick one and I'll come back you know what i mean well he said like this is the food here is amazing but the service is terrible and then he walked off and then i asked for i asked for a um it had on the menu it had shandy on the menu. So I was like, we all love a little Shandy. Yeah, we do. So I said, can I have the Shandy, please? And he said, oh, we don't. All right, I'll make you one.

And then he made me a Shandy. Nice. And then we asked for dessert and he said, we've got no dessert left. It's all gone. And then we were like, oh, okay. He went, all right, I'll go and check. And then he came back and said, yeah, you can have any dessert. He just basically didn't want us there at all. But he was very impressed with the food he'd cooked.

He sounds sort of half really full and half a bit of a dickhead. Yeah, sort of half like you are on edge there, but you are enjoying it as well. But you're also back on edge. Like his nose put out a joint to make a shandy, which is 50-50 really, isn't it? So it's like you've got both those ingredients there and it is on the menu, so can I have it?

Did you ever have, did you before this point have the old-fashioned recipe that I suggested? Yes, I think I did. Maple syrup and orange bitters. No, no, no, you sent me that after, so it's basically saved for the future and I'm going to do it because it looks amazing. It's well nice.

It replaces the sugar syrup. With the maple syrup. With maple syrup, yeah. That sounds great. I had martinis for the first time, proper ones, maybe a couple of years ago, and I couldn't believe the effect it has on you after the second one. What do you mean?

What happens? You're like, what's this? Sir, you've got a hard on for me it's just like either a bit of tiredness a bit of tiredness and a bit of violence basically it's someone famous who i can't remember who and probably they're a right old wrong and oscar wilde said that one martini is too few. Two martinis is too many. I had three. Not over the table.

I had three. I had one of the boys up by the neck. I have nothing to declare. I'm a fucking genius. Happy birthday. Don't you swear, James. People complain when you specifically swear.

They do. They expect it from me and Sunil. When you do it,'s like oh james can't we do better i love that voice chris the term whenever i read uh whenever i read like a comment or a note i read it in there ah the satirist's quill is more mightier than the sword the sort of people that would listen to have i got news for you do you know what people that would listen to Have I Got News For You. Do you know what I mean? They'd listen to it. They wouldn't watch it.

Messers Hislop and Merton, you have done it again. These are the people. That's like we had one, which was a nice compliment, but it was like... Are you expecting this to go in? Yeah.

But it was just like we had a man come in and say, just started listening to the show. Brilliant show. I know it is rather perturbing to hear James swearing. It is better if perhaps the swears are bleeped. And then I'm just like, fuck off! This is rated E for explicit. We try to avoid swears, but we get drawn back in because we discuss the matters of the day.

This podcast is for and by people that have had a four-pack of lager. Them Foster's shandies. Ten box of the Foster's shandies. Right. Them Foster's shandies. Ten box of the Foster's shandies. Right. Right. Come on now, please. Pull yourselves together. Let's get back on track.

Episode starting now. Now. Welcome to the show. Do you want something more countryside-y I've got? Yeah. Went to a haunted bakery the other day. What? Okay.

Give us everything. Haunted bakery the other day. What? Okay, give us everything. Haunted bakery, local bakery, proper, like, they bake it on premises. They have done for, it's been bakery as far as records will stretch, which is like 200 years. And there's a ghost called George that will poke you in your side while you're washing up. And there's an odd presence that follows you around and stuff. That's just kitchen stuff in general.

Have you ever worked in a bar or a pub? The kitchen parter, always a weirdo. Okay, haunted bakery. James, I have to say that was the most, it sounded like you were kind of bored by the prospect of ghosts, the way you described it. You were like, oh, there's a guy that just pokes you in the back. Well, I went in and there was,

it was basically, it was right next to a big old fridge that was pumping out a lot of vibrations. And I think it's your friend of mine, Infrasound. What's that? It's basically, and it was actually found by scientists,

a vibration frequency lower than you can hear really messes with your nervous system, makes you feel nervous and anxious. And I think it might even wobble your eyeballs so that you think there's someone, you're always sort of seeing something out the corner of your eye. I'm always seeing something out the corner of my eye. Maybe you've got some infrasound there, mate.

Or actual ghosts. But there's meant to be a Victorian kid behind you crying, right? I was going to say that this is what happens when you like when when your roommate moves out ghost moves in

so I mean she's still here but when she's away it's quite there's a dark hallway and I don't know what's in it when my back's to it

probably shadow creatures there's a cellar as well oh that'll be rife with them yeah stuffed full of them riddled i'm on the ground floor you want a ground floor you've been here haven't you i always i always thought i saw you top four penthouse guy don't like living in a roof gets too hot done it before never again do you want some news from the city what was that what was wait a minute wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. We can't move past that noise. That was just a man of an age who's done a 10K run

and the warm down he's doing this podcast because he forgot that we were recording. So this man, hypothetically, whomever he is, ran straight out of the 10K, straight into the recording. Flustered, late, no planning whatsoever. But you know what? This is how podcasts get made, isn't it? Now, this episode is coming out after we've done the live show,

but before we've released whatever we're going to release from the live show. But we're recording it before the live show, before we've released whatever we're going to release from the live show but we're recording it before the live show a couple of days before yeah so by the time you listen to this we'll be back to being mentally well the live show will have been done our first live show we could have split up as a as a podcast we could have abby roaded i don't think we will i just it's it's yeah i've just there's a couple of elements to it it is coming together yeah because you've not we've we don't know anything me and james haven't been told anything that you've i i do know some things mostly things that i'm trying to talk down oh good good at least someone's on i'm trying to manage expectations the live show is not going to be like the live recording of a radio 4 sitcom

in the bbc audio theater or whatever it's called i just think chris is going to be the most excited boy in the world and he won't be able to speak out of excitement i haven't actually brought this up outside of what me bringing this up right now but i'm very worried about how late chris's train is coming in i think he's going to miss the show. I'll get in at half 12. Half one is your call time minimum. And I think we're there from one to set up and you've got a quarter of the equipment.

All right. I will be fine. The show starts at 2.30. If I roll in at 2.30, but I won't, I'll be there at 12.38. I will be in Islington for one on the nose. You can maybe perhaps start working on the different microphones first. I cannot believe you are trusting the train system. Yeah, on the weekend.

What percentage of your journey would be two hours late? How much delay repay could you get i mean i don't think that's i don't want to talk about this i just okay so anyone come to the live show it'll be three quarters set up it'll be three quarters so we'll be having a laugh we've got we've got us like we it's going to be like a not the first half is going to be like a normal episode are you telling sunil yeah it is first and we've sort of got a plan for that we've got some concessions to the fact that it's in front of a live audience and we're going we've got a couple of sections just that we're gonna have a q a section this sort of thing you know second half is my magnum opus

that's that's too small a set of words for it for it. Oh, I don't want anything to do with your magnum opus. It's big. Thing is, I did the first one. I've just got so much writing to do. I've created an epic. Yeah, we haven't got that much time to do it. We don't know why. It's only an hour.

It's less than an hour. He's now realizing yeah but i'm too james is like trying to give me pointers but he don't i'm too far into i the only way that james and these sons stands the only way out is through the only way out is being late for my own podcast recording this is these are the only way to get to the end imagine if i show up 10 minutes later in my podcast recording just good are you gonna go for a run once you get to the end. Imagine if I show up 10 minutes later to do my podcast recording. Are you going to go for a run once you get to London? Quick run?

No, I'm going to get there. I'm going to get a taxi from the station straight there. I'll be there in 10 minutes. Can I tell you about I have engaged the services of a tailor?

Yes, go on. Why are you laughing at that? That is London stuff. Why are you laughing at that? That is big city talk. Here is the city, mate. I just saw you, and in my head I could just see you just as a Monopoly man. Little legs, sharp pinstripe suit,

like 50 quids flopping out of your pockets as you walk but please I interrupted please tell us about your tailor what have you got a tailor for the old engine room's got a bit big unfortunately I've got a shirt that I really like and I said to the tailor I said if I show you this shirt will you sew the other shirts that i bought to that shape and size and he was like yeah that's literally my job so i so i bought a load of shirts in the h&m sale for 12 quid each yes and i've taken them to him and i said this is what i want he goes literally not a problem it's my actual job to do this yes and now i've got five shirts that are

exactly the same shape and size that fit me perfectly. Brilliant. Couldn't believe it. See, that's the tailor thing. Have I talked about it before? I used to wait until like suit shops would do a sale. Yeah.

Get a suit that was vaguely fitted. Yeah. Like close enough. Then take it to a tailor and they do all the adjustments and you've still paid less than a full price suit and it's actually tailored to you. You still paid less than a full price suit. And it's actually tailored to you.

You used to wear suits a lot, didn't you? I remember when James used to wear suits. Yeah, that's what I do. But cause there's like a spare two inches of material in a sleeve. They can, they can take in a wide one,

a wide, I think broadly you have to have a wider waist for them to bring it in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bit of extra cloth to play with. You two are two lads that, like, I mean this with all the niceness and generosity, would probably benefit from a tailor. Two different body shapes, both need specialist attention.

You can't really tailor a juicy couture sweatpants suit, can you, Chris? Can you make the spaces between the J and the U and the I and the C way bigger on my bum? I think we're going to need a second Juicy. Juicy, Juicy. I think we need to wrap up now. I've got an agent of chaos here. This is what happens with our children. One day our children will be trying to get podcasts off the ground

and will come in and tickle their faces. It's not for now, but we should talk about your house hunting. Yes. I want square footage and I want exactly I want exactly how much it is how much the offered price is going to be and I want how much you're going to put down as a deposit these are the minimum bits of information that our podcast listeners need

my criteria is within walking distance of a Marks and Spencers and I'm not going to be able to get that what about a Marks and Spencers garage not round here mate what about Best Buys type food? Do you know what I mean? Iceland.

Iceland, yeah. And Iceland, yeah. Walking distance of an Iceland. More than doable. You can make two living off 250 B-sides of pro toast. Just consisting of like party food all the time i've looked at two two flats that's all i've looked at one was sold immediately and the other one has this is quite boring but it's got this situation where you have to ask

the freeholder if you want to put some shelves up so i don't really know what that means so that so the first one that you showed me is gone. The thing is, with London, even though it's a bit of a downturn, you need to have your parameters and there's no time to think. You need to decide. I haven't got a clue what I'm doing and I want it over. I just want to live in a shed in a field. I don't care anymore.

I've got to get back to planning the live show. Yes, and I've got to get back to planning the live show. Yes, and I've got to get back to talking you down. And all I'm going to say is there might be a little, I won't give too much away, but there might be a little free vinyl sticker gift for everyone that attends. It's happened and it sold out months ago. It's happened and everybody's had a good time.

They've been messaging me about it to say that's the best podcast i've ever heard few too many swears few uh yes it is doff not too many swears who are we mocking now my friends my friends and james's avid fan base of private eye subscribers you dorks they all read the week leave them alone no it hadn't been that's me that's me

we'll take it back we'll take it back sorry that's us we're mocking ourselves leave us a review on spotify or apple podcasts it has to be five stars it simply must be five stars otherwise what happens suno will hold you gently until you finally cry the tears you should have cried years ago best Best put five stars then. Here are a couple of recent reviews.

One, very funny show. Five stars from another Bradford lad. Three lovely lads having a lovely time. Rarely sticks to the agenda or even the broad premise of the show, much to producer James's ire, but the show is all the better for it. Been an admirer of Chris and his work for over a decade. Glad I can finally listen to him on a weekly basis

in podcast format. And it is work, I think. That's what we can agree on. And then there's another review here, but it is the same review. It's the same review. Chris, you put the same review on twice.

Good. And you're happy with that? You did it on purpose. That's what I wanted, but okay I guess we have to move on you've obviously taken it from two different apps though

if you have a rural concern please email us at christopher at alovelytime dot co dot uk

and just a reminder that I get those emails so if you have any issues about the other two you know just between you and I the best way to support

rural concerns is by wanging us a few of the quids on Patreon. For less than a fiver, you will get bonus episodes and access to our online chat community, The Creamery. Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph Sagan, Mega CD Burrows. Our music is by Sam O'Leary and our artwork, you guessed it, it's Poppy Hillstead. Rural Concerns is produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

What have I missed that I might have to edit out? Honestly, don't worry about it. I genuinely can't remember what I said properly. And it's not, it is interesting and I don't think you'll have to edit it out because I think broadly, this podcast is aligned on the thought that Nazis are bad. But if that's not what you think is something,

if that's not something you think is spicy in this contemporary climate, then edit it out. Bong. Like that.