Rural Concerns - Tarns, quid peasants & larceny most foul

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

In this episode Sunil shares some shocking news, Chris talks about congealed dog discharge and Producer James absolutely bosses the Rural Concerns Quarterly Internet Speed Test. Lots to think about in this one, dive in. Rural Concerns is produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Our artwork is by the brilliant Poppy Hillstead and our banging music comes courtesy of Sam O’Leary. Want to learn more about Chris and Sunil? They both have websites you can check out! www.sunilpatelcomedy.com www.christopher-cantrill.com Got a burning issue you want to share with Chris and Sunil? Got some detailed feedback for Producer James? Email us at [e-mail]! You could also leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify! But only if you love it.  

Welcome to Rural Concerns, the podcast for people who took up hiking just to get away from their kids, who they do love, but if they had the time again, probably wouldn't have had. Oh, Chris, come on, man. Sunil, how many intros did you write, Sunil? I was unaware that we needed intros. You know, normally just a cold start for me works very well. Does it? Intros are for dorks.

They know what they're listening to they don't need us to tell them again do you want to mention the burglary in this I'm happy to mention it yeah and of course the one thing we forgot is that we need to talk about how busy we are yeah yeah we need to talk about how busy we are but we're very different things

our level's okay I'll just move my mic away a little bit because it was quite loud Yeah, yeah, we need to talk about how busy we are. But we're very different things. Our level's okay. I'll just move my mic away a little bit because it was quite loud. Chris, you talk a bit. Hello, hello. In the way that you will be talking during the episode. Yeah. Hello, Sunil.

Hello, James. Get excited and giggle. Ah! Giggle. That's his giggle. Ah! Giggle. Giggle. That's his giggle. Like a little... Tee hee! Like a little hentai girl.

Hee hee! Please delete all reference to hentai. We're not recording, are we? Yeah, we're recording. We're not your internet search engine, Chris. Right, okay. Googling hentai and... What is it?

And how to delete. I don't know what it is. You know what hentai is. I don't know what it is. I'm a married man. I don't know what hentai is. Yeah, that's one of the ones who buy hentai. He's a married man who knows how to use incognito mode.

That's not enough. You need a VPN and you know it. I'm looking for a ring a secret piece of jewelry do you remember that when they first launched incognito mode and everyone knows what it's for it's for looking at pornography and but um back when they were marketing it they had to be like oh you might be looking for you know like privately trying to like buy a wedding ring for your partner or something like that. And you're like, it's literally the antithesis of what it's used for.

How did you buy your partner's wedding ring? I found it so stressful. So I just basically got, I got like my grandma's ring, which I think was, you know, because then it's an heirloom so she can't question it, the quality of it, you know what I mean? That's a very good idea. Yeah. do you know because then it's an heirloom so she can't question it the quality of it you know that's a very good idea yeah but yeah i mean like the like buying it like what a third of your salary or something like that is by and i was like no way that's for diamonds isn't it something like

that and it's like she's yeah i mean i love her a lot but no way i mean you don't really get a salary anymore either no no just a bit of money here and there. I will always introduce myself to someone as like Nicola gets upset with me. You know, like, what do you do? Bit of this, bit of that. You know, like the dodgy is like, what have you got? Come on, my boo.

I've got a load of mincemeat. But it's, yeah, like Nicola makes me tell people what i do and i hate it and all the mums at swimming know that i do comedy now and yeah i hate it and when they found out they were making they were like saying oh if only there was a comedian and i was like oh god please it's about me into it and but then they were talking to me about it. Have you done this? Have you done that? Have you done the comedy star? And I was like, yeah, I got gonged off almost immediately. Yeah, I've been in there. But they didn't even know what getting gonged off was.

Do you know what I mean? And you're like, well, you're not an aficionado then. But there was a dad at swimming that was clearly like fuming. Because he was a funny one. you know what i mean and i'm not i'm not funny in this setting i'm not making jokes i'm like desperately desperately trying to focus on my son's swimming so i don't have to engage with it uh but yeah this just this dad sat at the side like he didn't even say anything funny. I said, did he say that? No, no, but I could just say,

I could say it was Ripley. Yeah. But what have you been up to this week in terms of any... This week I got burgled. Right. So I've been dealing with that. What do you think of that?

What happened? Oh yeah, sorry. I was like buffering, trying to think of a funny, funny joke. As James comes in with in with like what should have been the right response immediate concern and i was like this is hilarious but is is everybody

okay it's very creepy i take it you were out yeah that's the creepy thing it was both me and my flatmate were on the same bill for a comedy night for the first time in like ages, we're very rarely on the same bill and very, very rarely advertised that heavily when we are, but this was like, Oh yeah. Anyway. But do you think, do you think you've been betrayed or do you think someone's spying on you?

Because I remember you said that people in your area, in the, like the community WhatsApp group or whatever it is, know who you two are and know that you're comedians oh right so do you think but that's now the weird thing is that uh no i don't think it's that no i don't know but um what it was was we were out for only three hours on it on a friday evening and they slipped both locks the front door and the door to our flat um they only took they didn't take um they took like a couple of laptops and stuff like that

basically they didn't take everything they could have there was loads of stuff they left they didn't touch my dvds they didn't touch your dvds or your wall didn't touch my fucking or your wall mounted samurai swords they left them and all they took was all they took was the brand new apple macintosh didn't touch the tiramisu in the old fridge either. But yeah, everything was, it was very, we didn't notice we'd been robbed until like half an hour after we got home. Oh God, that's horrible. That's so invasive.

That is rubbish. And then we made the police, we made the police go and have a look in the cellar because we were scared as well. Did they do a poo on the floor? Don't know, but there's more flies around these days in the house. What's all that about? Don't know is an odd response. Well, I don't know if there's a poo anywhere.

I can't smell it. You should be able to tell. I don't think they had time. You should be able to tell if there's a poo on the floor. I don't want to tell anyone how to live their life. Yeah, that instantly takes your mind to like, what's on the floor, doesn't it? You wouldn't know if they hadn't noticed the poo.

I've replaced I've replaced toothbrush heads apparently that's what they do they shove it out of their arse don't they and then they piss in the milk or something oh well I mean

if you're on don't know about that one if you're on non-dairy wouldn't really be able to tell would you yeah god I shouldn't talk like that

it's too aggressive isn't it but you've aggressively hit 40 yeah yeah yeah I'm wearing you know they can see i'm trouble already i'm wearing black leather driving gloves like these guys this guy's here for normal milk um can we just circle back onto so this laptop

so is it was it the brand new laptop that it was my brand new laptop they took it yeah and then the police said, they came like, you know, an hour and a half after we called them. And they said that laptop will now be on sale in a shop on the Woolworth road in South London in one of the secondhand shops. And it will be completely wiped.

They'll put it straight on sale. So what will be like, will they, will they put a vinyl sticker on it or something like that? No, they're not going to find it. There's loads of shops of shops did you put a lot of ticket did it put like do you have like your no effect sticker on or something like that no fear no fear or like a big have you got a big a big uh marijuana leaf vinyl stick and a cat scratch it off so maybe

the evidence is still there jamaica flags everywhere yeah no there's none of that no it's too new i didn't want to put a sticker on it's too new but um i think that was 16.5 inch screen it was a big screen there's a lot of real estate i'm surprised they fucking got it out the door to be honest yeah i know that's what i thought they took mine and my flatmate's laptop and i think they just they they got panicked it was really weird i was like my flat mate looked in her room and she was like oh what's happened here there's only a few things moved and she was like were you in my room earlier and i was like no and then she said oh my laptop's missing check your room and i looked down the hallway dark hallway and at the end of the hallway the light was on in my room and there was a wooden box on my bed open which is an old cigar case i have in

my drawer that's not got anything in it not now all it had in it before was um a weed vape uh and that was just open i was like oh fuck it was really creepy it's really creepy when you first notice someone's been around your house i guess if you want to make jokes about it chris you can you've had plenty of time to think about it. No, no, I'm very concerned. I'm very concerned. No, no, it's fine. Have you had to buy a new laptop? It's fine.

Yeah, I got a new laptop. Don't tell him that. Yeah, yeah, he's ready. He's open for business. And hey, what's this? I'm using my phone. Him and his housemate are doing... And then it got to like, we were waiting for the police

and then I was just hungry. So I had a bit of avocado on toast and my flatmate got angry with me saying, how can you eat at a time like this? But I hadn't eaten that night. Yeah. And I think it's fine to have a bit of food. Do you mind me asking, was the gig...

Beep. Obviously. No, it wasn't. Maybe they'd book you and then clean you out. So I think you could probably segue from that into what Chris has been up to household-wise, perhaps Sunil. All right. Well, I mean, that's enough of my sad news.

What have you done? What haven't I done? I've done... How's your house? Has your house been burgled? No, but you wouldn't... By dogs? If you look around it, you really wouldn't know that it hadn't,

you know, because it's just genuinely that's right. Could you tell if there was a poo on the floor? How long would it take you? It'd take me longer than that, do you know what I mean? My house is, I'm in my new house, which we talked about. I've done the moving. We're now sort of settling in to breaking down this massive, like this week,

the enormity of the job has really hit home as to like what we have to do. I've had tradesmen round automatically don't feel very comfortable, but it's like a chicken and egg now of like, there's something wrong with the roof. There's something wrong with the electrics. And it's like, which bit is going to um like harm my family the least like if i if i push it if i kick the can down the road so it's been yeah but the

cost of it's got to be negligible up there isn't it well whatever it is but also my uh my i live up here so i earn up here as well so my earnings earnings are... You earn in London and you know it. Yeah, I do. Come on. Intermittently, no. It's feast and famine. It's been a quiet start to the year. Do you know what I mean?

So I'm not like... Would you ever get a job in that petrol station five miles down the road? I did think about it. Do you know, it's like I could... It looks all right, doesn't it? It's a nice petrol. It's the only thing open on the A69 really.

So it's like past 10 o'clock. It's the only place you're getting petrol. So I could do that. I could try new open on the A69, really. So it's past 10 o'clock. It's the only place you're getting petrol. So I could do that. I could try new material on the customers. Do you know what I mean? You could do it over the tannoy, couldn't you? I could ask them if they wanted a separate receipt for the fuel. Do you know what I mean? I think I'm well positioned to do it.

But we've had, so this week we've had people in. It's a good house. And I said to my wife, if it was a nice house, we've had people in, it's a good house. Like, and I said to my wife, if it was a nice house, we couldn't have moved into it. Do you know what I mean? But now it's like loads of stuff needs doing.

The middle floor is completely cordoned off. Thanks to black mold, which is just a really, a really elaborate way of saying I got a middle, I got a middle floor. You know what I mean? Someone's doing all right. Well, you're living in the roof though, aren't you?

We're living in the attic and I've got out of the window a perfect view of the village pub so I could just see what's sort of going on. And we've got stars above us. I'm not technically Dark Skies, but is yeah that sky's area in all but name so i can see some stars have you got a roof yeah have you got we've got a roof it needs work on it do you know what i mean and can you tell me more about black mold because i went to see i went to viewer flat yesterday and i had mold in it and that concerned me but i don't know how easy is it to get rid of black mold i don't't know. I think it needs, it's basically our next steps are we need to,

there's a bit of a leak from the roof, so we need to, and our leak was caused by ivy. It's grown up the wall and into the roof and stuff, so it's a mess. So we got the ivy down this way. And now we've got to sort the leak out and then you're like, we're basically going to have to replace or re-skim the plaster and i think that should get rid of the black mold if you treat it it's like it could be a little bit costly can i ask if you'll be doing this work

yourself no i will be hiring someone slash um roping in my um my my slightly older father, who has just been to the doctors. He went in for a pneumonia. He went in for a pneumonia jab and came out like, they were like, we're surprised you're still standing, to be honest with you, with this blood pressure. So I'm going to have him up a ladder. Get him on that black mold job.

Because I really enjoy, like when me and my dad have done diy i do enjoy it we sort of like we have fun and stuff but i'm not that he keeps catching me on my phone and stuff you know and like messing around but we have a laugh and he just ends up doing a lot of it you probably don't know what to do next when it comes to diy so you get one task and you're like now what and you just stand around that's exactly what happens but i'll tell you what it is my dad takes over because i'm diva which is fair but i need to i'm gonna with this one i'm gonna try and have him more in a supervisory role but basically he um i i like you, if it's like drilling a hole in something, like the, the thought of ruining something permanent really garbles my head,

even though it doesn't, that probably isn't what's happening. Do you know what I mean? Like you can always fix a little hole or something like that. The idea of like drilling into a wall and like messing it up. It's like, I've lived in rented accommodation so long. I've only got a drill last year and I've used it maybe once. It's just I don't want to do it.

I'm scared of it. Yeah. Someone's going to charge me a million pound if I do it. Yeah, exactly. But once we got robbed, I drilled a hole in the front wall outside next to the door and put a CCCV up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just panicked i was like that's the the cost of not the cost of what he's going to charge me to drill out is going to be less than getting robbed again so yeah definitely and then it's all it's all you're safe then to a degree oh at least you can just you can have video footage of him going in in balaclavas, which I'm sure will make it feel better, I think. I get so many notifications of random people just walking past now. It's like throughout the night, every hour, there's someone pottering past and it alerts me. So, Chris, you've got the stuff to do in your house. How's the internet?

Well, one little milestone this week is that we have had the internet installed. So this is why I'm in a new room. The audio probably sounds a little bit different. So we're going to do, I've got an internet speed test. But in my old place where we started recording, the internet was installed on a SIM card that was in a hardwired to a, you know, like a satellite dish that picked up your 4G and then brought into the house, which was installed by my father-in-law's friend.

You couldn't get proper internet there? No, like we did, but it would routinely drop out or there'd be an error. And I can't pick up the phone to my father-in-law's friend in the same way that you can to like Plusnet that you're paying money. So basically it'd be like the friend would come down when he can because he works and he's lovely

and he'd fix it, but it was stressful. So I've got my own internet now so I can ring Plusnet up and just scream because that's what my monthly bills, that's what it entitles me to, to just scream at a customer services bot. Should we do a quarterly internet speed test? Yeah, let's do it.

What's the website called? Just speed test. Just type speed test. Okay. And click run speed test. Wow. Those are some big numbers I'm seeing. Let's forget about uploading.

Our mutual friend, Amy Gledhill? Actually, Chris's camera has gone really bad. When she was in her old place, she had like proper 5G. And I'm sure she was doing something like 500 megabyte. She had 5G internet there? Yeah. That's faster than broadband. It was insane. She did the internet speed test and it was unfathomably

powerful. Oh my God. Mine's actually dog shit. Right, go on then. Give us it. 27.2 download. 1.21 upload. Ouch. That's not good. Okay, Producer James. You go next, Chris okay okay how excited i was trying to delay the pleasure of vaguely consistent internet so i'm rocking a 68.9 megabyte download and upload

17.1, which is more than passable for what we're trying to achieve. Go on, James. That's incredible. Does it give you a little review underneath? Does it say like your internet connection? A little review. Server, Dublin, to be sure.

I've been to the Guinness Museum, but that's for a special episode. That doesn't mean that you get to do that. My wife's Northern Irish, and I feel that that gets me. But there's no problems there. Do you know what? What's your review? Potatoes, crisps.

No, thank you. Right, okay. Your internet connection is very fast your internet connection should be able to handle multiple devices streaming hd that's high definition videos video conferencing as in this podcast recording and gaming at the same time um which i didn't i didn't think about that i'm gonna power up president evil 4 to finish off the session mine's just fast it says it should be able to handle multiple devices streaming hd videos that's it oof no gaming for me come on producer james don't hold out on us. All right. Yeah, 68.6. Upload.

Upload? Yeah. 152.8 download. What? Yeah. What's your... Who's your provider? It's Fiber, baby.

Oh, you don't need that. I'm doing fine. That's all you need. I'm currently gaming. All right. How much is your internet per month? 25 quid. Shut up. No, I won't. All right, Chris right how much is your internet per month 25 quid shut up no i won't all right chris how much is yours 35 i think maybe mine's fucking 35 maybe it's who does your

internet james uh swish fiber it doesn't matter about the provider or gigabit the gigabit might have gone out of business but it's i don't think we've got fibre here. They said they're not working in my neighbourhood. Can I get fibre? You need, yeah. Sorry, give me a few minutes, guys. Look, this is wonderful conversation for 40-plus-year-old men. However, we are making a podcast.

This is not a podcast for... If you are tuning into this thinking it's for young people who kind of don't have any money and stuff, wrong. This is two middle-aged men. I can't get ultra-fast full fibre, but I can get super-fast fibre. Well, look, I mean, don't do it now. Give us something for the future episodes, but we'll come back to it. Yeah, let's tease this.

Yeah, actually, in my area, highest I can get is 24. That's crazy. I'm getting 27 though but yeah that's the problem isn't it i guess there's lots of people around here doing important work on their internet and stuff so we have to share it rather than hog a load for ourselves yeah so it's um yeah so i've done that uh what should i do should i do one more thing james trying to do tradesmen overalls that seems to fill the next bit or do you want to do doctor's appointment no the doctor's appointment isn't i'm i think i'm worried

that my hearing's going but i don't think it makes for a fun i don't think it makes for i don't think it makes for a fun podcast yeah just like me crying in a gp surgery why you got too much wax in your ears i don't know there's something wrong with my hearing. Like certain noises are like painful a bit. So I'm just trying to get on top of it. Why don't you tease the high fantasy novella you've been working on? I'll do that at the end.

I'll talk about Tradesman quickly and then finish on high fantasy novella. Then that's me done as well, I think. Yeah. Okay. So, I mean, it's been a stressful week. I've been solo parenting. My wife says I can't call it babysitting if it's been a stressful week. I've been solo parenting. My wife says I can't call it babysitting if he's my own son.

So I've been solo parenting while the wife's been away in London and in the big book. So it's just been me and the lad having a great time, you know, like mum's like, what are we going to do? Just solidly smashing a nintendo switch from three o'clock in the afternoon after school finishes until eight o'clock at night just to clarify this is the lad that doesn't respect you at all he doesn't respect me at all but i tell you how he's going to respect me by me letting him play five hours of nintendo switch every evening

every evening while his mum's away um it's all part of a scheme. But because of that, I've been doing that. I've had like a revolving door of, you know, like pricing up tradesmen and stuff. Like this week I've had a plumber in and an electrician in, and I've had some lads in to take the ivy off the front of my house because, and I don't mean this in an arrogant way, my house is very tall because it is over three floors. So it means,

and then this isn't like a modern new build. Do you know what I mean? It's a thin house. Tiny little living room. This is a three-star Edwardian. It's two, but you live in the roof. Oh, don't say that. I live in the roof space, technically.

You live in the eaves. Like the Hunts back in Amsterdam. Like a villain. Just to remind listeners, it was formerly a dog bordello. Oh, yeah, is it? Yeah, and they used to breed dogs here. And you can... Were there dogs fucking in every room?

Well, I'll tell you this. We had to pull up all the floorboards as soon as we went in because, you know, even the wooden effect laminate was all water warped. Well, that dog cum gets under that, doesn't it? It was all water warped. Oh, right. And it stunk. So I think it was dog pissing cum.

Dog piss? Or they were just hosing the whole fucking thing down. Were the dogs being bred on the ground floor or the first floor or the roof? Not in the roof, I think. I think we were looking at the ground. I think the dogs were being held on the ground floor or the first floor or the roof? Not in the roof, I think. I think we were looking at the ground. I think the dogs were being held in the ground floor. I think there was a dog fucking bed in the back garden. They got a bed, did they?

They put a bed down for them? They put down a bit of old hessian sack on which to like... As far as I know, dogs don't need a bed. On which to like... Some candles. Rest its many warped teats. You know what I mean? It stinks. It stinks.

It stinks. Have you gone round with a black light? No. Should I do that? Nah. Does it pick up dog cum? Does it? Does it pick up man cum?

Can the black light be specifically calibrated to dog cum? It's important that you know how much dog cum is in your house. But I'll tell you this, so the guys that took the ivy off revealed the brickwork, which is not in a terrible state, but we've discovered two gargoyles,

like a hidden gargoyle that we didn't know, and above the doorway there's a witch's broom. And I found out this week that all the kids in the village are scared of our house. Really? What's the reason behind the witch's broom? I don't know.

James, do you know this from your experience dealing with the supernatural? I don't know. Is it a dog thing? Is it a dog thing? Is it to sweep up the dog car? Is it to sort of tell, is it like a pub sign? I don't know what you mean there's a witch's broom above the door.

That as a sentence is very confusing. The actual broom or is it carved? I mean, above the external door facing the street is like two metal clasps and on the clasps is like suspended or supported a witch's broom. A broom, like an actual, it's not a witch, it's a broom, like an actual, it's not a witch, it's a broom, you know, but an old fashioned noblistic and then like harsh bristles coming out. So that's.

Displayed like Sunil's samurai sword. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's cool. And the guys that were taking the ivory down were like working class Northumbrian lads who were like, do you want us to take that down? And I was like, yeah, yeah. I said, yeah. I was trying to like be as blo take that down? And I was like, yeah, yeah. I said, yeah.

I was trying to like be as blokey as possible, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know? But I was like, yeah,

yeah. Maybe, maybe leave it for a bit because it's really fucking cool. Right, yeah. I reckon if you take it down, there's probably a curse on you or something,

isn't there? Exactly. I think I, having bought this house and been living in this house for a week, I'm pretty sure there's a curse on me anyway. I'm pretty confident this house is cursed. But I'm having bought this house and being living in this house for a week, I'm pretty sure there's a curse on me anyway. I'm pretty confident this house is cursed. But I'm having a good time for my wife who's listening to this probably.

It's fine. I'm loving it. I'm loving my life with you. I'm loving the adventure that is this new house. So I've done that. And I just don't really know how to speak to tradesmen. You know, when you don't know any skills and my skills are like, I could really, we can craft, like I could craft a joke or even a little skit meticulously and edit it and present it really well.

But that's my skillset and it's broad and largely useless when talking to overall people. And they're really nice. They're really nice. I just feel, i just feel like you know it's like a big alarm bell ringing that i'm not really a man like an adult man right yeah yeah i would agree well you wouldn't know how to do any of this stuff either you're not an adult i'd speak to tradesmen yeah you're good you know what i was gonna go i was gonna go boots in on you and then but what i've always liked about you is you will talk to anyone you'll

talk to a big celebrity you'll talk to like all the narcissistic stand-ups we know but you also talk to my dad about textile weaving and stuff do you know what i mean like you you are a man of the people i find it infuriating what what amazing weeks we've both had. Now, how about some other bits? No, I got robbed. All right, go on. Oh, yeah, you got robbed. I just try to wrap it up as smooth like a radio presenter.

What a wonderful week we both had. I was robbed. Tone deaf. I was robbed. It's very invasive. Anyway, suddenly you're stepping all over my segue. Sorry. Oh, we didn't talk about NFTs. We'll talk. Anyway, Sonal, you're stepping all over my segue. Sorry. Oh, we didn't talk about NFTs.

We'll talk, right, right. I think we're at the end of that bit of chat, are we, James? Yeah, let's go into Rural Concerns. You were doing very nicely there. Yeah. There's a load of stuff there, isn't there? That's good. Okay, so Sonal, you introduce it.

Rural Concerns is the segment where Chris wrestles with the existential dread of his own self-imposed rural exile. Could you try it again? Could you try and, rather than, you sounded like you were reading it fresh off the page there, which you were. Could you just try and put it in your own words one degree more? Rural Concerns is the next segment where Chris wrestles with the existential dread of his own self-imposed rural exile. Yeah, so I've just been having a think, you know, I'm a city boy at heart, but for better or worse now, I am a country mouse. So I've just been wandering around the hills and these are my

ruminations about life in the fells. So in this episode, I just wanted to talk about a bit of news which landed on my desk. It's how I have offices and stuff, which I mean, I got an alert on my desk. Makes it sound like I have offices and stuff. By which I mean I got an alert on my phone. This isn't a hard publication, is it? This is online. This is online, but it's like, do you know what I mean? It's reality. Go on then.

So apparently, according to the internet, an alligator snapping turtle has been found in Cumbria, which is just over the road for me, literally, in a tarn. And it's like, it looks mad. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. What's a tarn? Like, there's a place they made it's a tarn. It's like a little lake.

Oh, a lake. Okay. It might not be a lake. Oh, a lake. Okay. It might not be a lake. I'm going to have to. Like a pond? A body of water. A tan. Tan is a mountain lake, pond or pool.

Formed in a cirque excavated by a glacier. There we go. That's pretty much what I said. Yeah, that's nice. So basically they found this like uh species a snapping turtle and it looks mad like it looks absolutely wild but apparently it can bite through bone and they found it in cumbria well i don't know it's they found it in um looking at the article now it was rescued from erzwick Town near Ulverston.

It's been nicknamed Fluffy, which is sort of ironic because the thing's just made out of spikes. It looks like a sort of living conker shell or something like that. Oh, my God. I've just seen it. That is the most terrifying. Oh, wow. An alligator snapping turtle.

Right, listen to this. So an alligator snapping turtle can cut bones and is native to swamps and rivers in southern parts of the US. And it was rescued from Cumbria near me by a local dog walker who spotted the exotic creature bathing in the shallow waters of the Tarn and took a picture of it and asked for help identifying it on Facebook. I don't, I'm just trying to see

how it got there, but it was probably almost definitely the environment wanted. This is the environment, you know, all this stuff's happening and people can't be bothered

engaging with it. Do you know what I mean? I thought you meant this was climate change. This is, that's what I'm saying. This is like, it was dumped there

by a pet owner. Nah, this is climate change. It's got confused because it's got so warm. You get blown here, Chris a pet owner nah this is climate change because it's got so warm it's got it's got it's got so warm it's got confused and it's it's from the southern u.s it's from south and central america so what you reckon is flown over i reckon it's i could swam over because the oceans are so hot and it's like this is fine got to got all the way to england and it's like yeah this is this is over to cumbria

modeled over to cumbria and that's and that's the environment but people don't want to do about it don't know so right you don't want to talk about it you're trying to minimize the environment well i mean i think it's bad i think it's bad that the environment means we've got these mad turtles in mountain lakes in cumbria. Tidal waves in Birmingham. Do you know what I mean? There's no tidal waves in Birmingham. I don't know. I've not checked that out.

Maybe one day. Maybe one. Exactly. I had a friend. This is a tangent. I had a friend that had a friend that made a job out of, you know, I think China processes loads of landfill and stuff. So the friend would go over and pay like peasants to go through landfill and found

coins like british pound coins and then he would pay the peasants like a pittance um and would take back like bags of pound coins back through back through security this is not going in but I'm very glad that you brought a pop shield as you're talking about peasants picking pounds why is it not going in for a pittance this has to go in James this is the stupidest thing I've heard

he knows a lad a mate of a mate pays peasants at pittants to pick pound coins. Come on, that's absolute bollocks. Apparently he'd always get stopped at airport security and be like, why have you got this suitcase full of British quids? And he'd explain the thing and they couldn't do anything about it. But a suitcase full of British quids would barely cover the flight.

No, but I think he had business out there anyway. Do you know what I mean? Oh, he had another business out there. As well as collecting pound coins out of bins. Do you know what? I said we weren't going to do guests on this podcast, but the first guest is going to be the lad. He's a friend of a friend who makes a load of money in China.

He makes a load of money in China. Who makes a load of money in China. International business. Oh, what kind? Bit of this, bit of that. Don't worry about me. I'll be all right. Old pound coins. We haven't had any with a king on yet.

Do you know? So dumb. No, that's all true. So I don't think we should bother talking about it. I don't think we should touch any environment again because it's just... Thanks for listening. We hope that you

have found this episode to be as entertaining as it is undeniably educational. Calm down, Chris. Calm down. Get away from that mic. You're peaking. Sorry. Should I do that again? Just that again, but away from the mic a bit. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Outros. So now. Oh, all again. Okay. Just do it again.

Thanks for listening. We hope that you have found this episode to be as entertaining as it is undeniably educational. If you've got a countryside-related question you'd like us to consider, you can now drop us an electronic mail. The address is christopheratalovelytime.co.uk. Yes, you heard that right,.co.uk. And just a reminder that we only accept praise so if you have any negative comments you can send them but we'll delete the podcast and blind

ourselves with tar yeah you might also consider dropping us a five-star review on apple podcasts and spotify rural concerns was produced by egg Mountain for a lovely time. Our artwork is by the fantastic Poppy Hillstead and our music was bashed out under duress by Samuel Leary. He didn't want to do it. He didn't want to do it. He couldn't be arsed. I get it. But I begged.

That's the truth. That's great. Chris, I fear the only bit of yours that is legible is the dot co dot uk on the end of the email address but i think people will just have to work with it i wondered why we hadn't had any emails they got the domain I can say my own name.