Rural Concerns - Teabags, gargoyles & multiple slanders [LIVE]

Episode Date: February 11, 2025

Sunil, Chris and James unite in London to record their first ever live show! Expect academic thought experiments, tech mishaps and loads of slander. Thanks to all the legends who came down! This episode also features a sneak peek of Sunil's BBC Radio 4 series 'An idiot's guide to bagging an Heiress' which is on this week, every day, at 11.45am. Chris is heading on a tour! It's kicking off in Edinburgh on the 12th of February. Then onto Manchester, Leeds, Leicester, Bristol and Barnard Castle. Grab your tickets, here! Got a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than five quids you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and the music is by Sam O’Leary. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. 📷 Em Humble 

So do that. This will go at the very, very start of the episode before. So this will be the very, very start of the live show episode. What you're about to hear is the live show episode. I've had to cut out loads because of the redactions. I'm not sure if it's going to be longer than 15 minutes, but enjoy what you can of this. And Chris, have you got a message for the people at home?

Yeah, stick. Respect each other. Oh, no. Yeah, respect each other would Oh no. Oh no, what, yeah, respect each other, be cool.

Oh, what did you think specifically? About Sunil's bit from his radio show at the end. should I introduce Sunil's radio show? Does this feel right, Sunil? It feels better

that you do it, yeah. So I'll take the lead on it, but you will have to give some key details. Absolutely, absolutely. So,

but, on the, where in it? You don't need to say any details absolutely absolutely so um but uh on the wearing it you don't need to say any of the details so no one can say the details so no one said the details but um what we've got today for you like we've got the live show but after the if you stick around until after the credits we've got an exclusive clip from sunil's brand new Radio 4 show. Exclusive, exclusive, exclusive. Exclusive. Exclusive. AK's there. Joe, AK's there. So this exclusive, it's from Sunil's Radio 4 show,

which, what's it called, Sunil? It's called Sunil Patel, An Idiot's Guide to Bagging an Heiress. And when does he start and at what time? It starts Monday, the 10th of February, and it goes out every day from there until the Friday. There are five episodes of it. Where are those episodes? They are on Radio 4 and

BBC Sounds. It's going out at 11.45. I think it could be 10.45. We need to go to BBC Sounds and search Sunil Patel basically. I've heard it. It's great. I hope you enjoy it. And I hope you enjoy this live show. Thank you for coming and tuning in.

Bye. Bye. Suckers. Don't call the audience suckers. Never. That's right. Hello and welcome to Rural Concerns Live at the Bill Murray! And Chris, the vigilante countryside correspondent. I'm Sunil, disgraced anthropologist. I'm James, the UK's longest podcast producer. It's not long. It's not long.

Not only is this the first time we've recorded an episode of Rural Concerns in person, it's also the first time we've done it live in front of a bunch of... OK, it's also the first time we've done it live in front of a bunch of dweebs. OK, let's get started. And boys? Yes, James? Please. Get started. And boys... Yes, James? Please, don't slag anybody off.

We won't. Hello! Wait! Hello! Wait a minute. Fuck off. I'm trapped. I'm trapped. That's a show, getting in and out of there. Is everyone alright?

Thank you for coming. First, this is like behind the scenes of like how a podcast... Have you been to a live podcast before? Yeah. This is like behind the scenes of how it gets made. First off, we don't do the introduction first. We do it at the end. Do you know what I mean? Behind the scenes.

And how do we normally start? Right, well, not like this. I didn't realise how far the mic was from me. I'm pretty uncomfortable right now. I recently had this shirt taken in and that was a mistake. That's really been a big mistake. Yeah, but that's not the tailor's fault. Traditionally, if we're doing this remotely,

how we get started is we will talk about hair loss treatments for a solid 15 minutes. And then we're like, right, what should we do? We'll obviously cut that. Because this one's not, we can still ask people if they're on finasteride or minoxidil. Anyone in the building? Any takers for that?

No? All right. I don't know what he's talking about. He does, he does, he does. James? Should I play the music? Yeah. What are we doing?

Why are we doing that? You could have done that in the edit. That gets gone. Right, we're ready, we're begone, it's begone. That's the start of it. That music, Sam O'Leary who did it, who got famous in the end, he couldn't have wanted to do it any less. I chased him for two months and then he trotted it out in ten minutes. He couldn't.

Yeah, but you know what I mean, he's a famous boy now, can't get a hold of him um so should we talk about who we've got in the room uh yes yes let's i feel like this is surprising you but you've had the document all right who's in the room first off right i don't know whether you've sat there. Simon, stand up just quickly and wave to everyone. This is my friend Simon. He is the source of the quid peasant story.

So we'll come back to it. He left us basically a five-minute story describing the truth of the quid peasant thing. We couldn't really use any of it. No, because we don't use the words quid peasants. It sounds bad. So we didn't use it, but now that Simon's here, it would be lovely to hear a bit of that story. And also, James, maybe you could call him a liar to his face. Sure.

Is he the one that can bench press a roll-on full of quits? Am I? Yeah, yeah. Have you just seen me? Oh, right, OK, yeah. So I can say what I want then. How many of you have had compartments? It wasn't me.

My friend is the... Simon is a friend oh i see simon is more believable okay obviously simon is a friend of me who is the queen people's real names. Bleep, obviously. And he's the guy who has

a he's a salvage magnate and he took off he's finding all these quids

down the back of landfill sofas and stuff that's it, isn't it? That's true. That's it. Why couldn't

we use the story? Why couldn't you use it? Yeah, we couldn't use... we had to redact certain elements. There was... yeah, there was... B, obviously. This stays in this room. We briefly dipped into the slander zone. So let's just not repeat any of that.

Immediately, two minutes in, we've had to redact something. That's what it's about. Hi. This is my friend Lee. Lee once worked in a pub in Lancaster and watched a man. Yeah, what was he doing? Fingering a dog. What? In Lancaster,

there's a pub called the Wonderful Old Timey Pub and he worked there while we were at Yone and was watching he's watching someone and it's this old lad

that come in with his was it a big black Labrador big black Labrador BBL and his mate was going look at that

he's fuming that dog's arsehole thanks for coming mate no it's not on the list. I've come in hot. Yeah. He's got very excited. I got too excited.

Do you want this Barocca energy now or later? I think I should have it now. Go on then, let's see what happens. There's none in? Yeah, there's one in there. Minute three. So what should we do? What's the first?

Do you want to play it? So I put together a tour of the house so you can sort of visualize it. Do you want to play it, Jim? Well, let's. Easy, easy. It's a countryside bit. Yeah, sting that we use fucking once. And welcome to our dog, Bordello.

So at this point point uh played a video which was chris giving a little tour around his doggy bordello house uh that video is up on the patreon if you want to join us um that's a patreon.com forward slash rural concerns also you get access to the discord the creamery anyway basically what happens, Chris wandered around his house and was interrupted by his son, who was telling him some cool things that he'd just learned on his game of Kirby. What's this about Kirby?

I thought you got scammed. How are you playing Kirby if you got scammed? I did get scammed, but I was given one of the listeners, listened to the episode and sent me Kirby, which I don't think I should have got because I don't think I've learned the lesson. But I've got Kirby now and I've become like,

I've decided to become an angel of death to scammers. Do you know what I mean? I've done, I had someone ring me and I've started like, I've decided to become an angel of death to scammers. Do you know what I mean? So I've done, I've done, I had someone ring me and I've started doing this thing, which is a good tip. If a scammer rings you. Yeah. I say, sorry, before we get going, can I just take you through security?

You can, you hear there's a bit of a sorry can I have your company where's your company's house number can I have where your head office is registered and yeah can we just start there instantly hang up it's the most middle aged thing you can do

half moon glass but I've got Kirby. It's great. It's full of secrets. What sort of secrets? Secrets about yourself? I've learned some things about myself playing Kirby. Whatever you take in, you become.

Exactly. That's exactly. That's how Kirby works. I have no idea what this game is. You tried to explain it to me, but it's, what is it? It's an egg, is it? Who's Kirby? What is Kirby?

What is a Kirby? It's a little egg guy who was modelled. It's a spin-off of Mario. It's a little egg guy that Nintendo made in honour of John Kirby, was it? John, yes, John.

John Kirby, an American IP lawyer who helped Nintendo out when they came to Western Shards. To honour him, they made the character Kirby,

who, John Kirby was bald who John Kirby was bald. John Kirby was bald, and that guy looks like John Kirby. It's a very puzzle-based game. It sort of activates a lot of nodes in my brain, you know? I suppose that's the thing. As a lawyer, he could take anything in, couldn't he? That's how Kirby works.

He inhales stuff and protects you from things. Is that why they did that for the lawyer, do you think? What happens when he inhales stuff? It just gets bigger and then sort of becomes it. Like,

if you inhale a sword, I think you get a, you become a knight. You inhale a sword. Yeah, I haven't played it as much as Chris, but Chris is reading something else. What are you reading?

What are you reading? Are you looking at that list? Let's see what's going on. Just try to keep the transitions tight. Just give us a leak. You've got to transition from something. You've got to kind of just stop talking. We're talking about something else now.

The problem is we're so insulated from what we say by James when we record that when we've got an audience in front of us, we do have to slightly watch what we say, even though it's... There's a bit of buffering, even though it's there's a bit of buffering it's a bit of buffering yeah so do you want to go into the league club stuff do you want to hear about the leaks no because i haven't fucking done anything i signed up to it because i wanted to do something for the podcast to do all these leaks. But then it's like I have to buy topsoil. I have to fill up and it might as well be like, it's the same amount of effort as going to the moon.

You know what I mean? And I'm so bored of the idea. Do you know what I mean? The idea of doing the Leak Club, but I've got to do it. And now my dad I mean? The idea of doing the Lake Club, but I've got to do it. And now my dad's on at me to do the Lake Club. When's planting season? When was it?

It's very fucking soon. Oh, right. It takes no effort at all to get some soil and a couple of seeds, right? I need to fill a bed. Yeah. I need a big, I need a dumpy bag of soil. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so get that. and then you've done it. What's stopping you from getting a dumping bag of soil? Is it the money? No. I've actually got loads of money. This is like, my wife will listen to every episode and then give us like harsh edit notes. But the most recent one was,

please stop telling people we're having money problems. So we are absolutely fine. But I don't know. Yeah, what else were you going to say? Do you want to say a thing from y'all a little bit? Yeah, but it's all... Like I said, when I'm in my bedroom and I'm talking to these guys about things I want to talk about,

yeah, fine, 24 microfibre cloths for eight quid. Exciting within the three of us, but when there's an audience in front of you, you're like, this isn't going to land. This isn't going to fucking land at all. Is that working? They need to perk Sunil up. There we go, come on.

Is it still not working is it not working oh is it recording though do you think no idea at the minute no idea

it looks like it is if you can't hear me let's talk about that 4chan alien thread I found there we go this one's working that's your one though

yeah I know but we can both be together no do not do that. No. Sunil will be fine. He's on a different connection going into the recording.

I think it's just maybe the speaker. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Thank you. All right, then. Let's go on with best supermarket tease in which magazine this one? Has anyone not listened to the show? There's supermarket teas in Which? magazine as well.

Has anyone not listened to the show? Because this could be very, very dry. Right, who here has supermarket-owned tea? Oh, one person there. Which supermarket? Co-op. Good. Middling. Middling. Cheap.

Bryce is right. All right, look, well, I mean, that segment's gone nowhere. Is everyone main brand then for tea? I get Lidl. What was that? I get Lidl. Lidl sometimes. Slander zones up, it's fine, this won't go in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're safe here. There's a hand at the back there. What's... I think it was winter as a sand. Ooh. Very nice. Your majesty.

Yes, Lee? My daughter now drinks tea that was recommended by your wife. Oh, what's that tea? Sleepy time tea. Oh, right. Okay. My daughter exclusively drinks sleepy time tea oh what's that tea sleepy time tea oh right okay my daughter exclusively drinks

sleepy time tea and is that tea pigs no it's Yorkshire Yorkshire Yorkshire sleepy tea

what's in it lithium right would you want to know what the top one is yeah

Asda. It's Asda. Asda, 72%. It's our top pick if you're looking for a satisfying brew and to keep costs down. Tasters gave it high marks for aroma and appearance and more than two thirds thought the colour was just right. £3.20 for 240 bags.

What colour was it if a third of people thought it was the wrong colour? The wrong colour, that. Was that because someone put too much milk in or not enough milk? I guess it's a milk thing. But look, the thing is, it got 72%, but the next three, it got 72%, but the next three below it got 71%.

So, we've got PG Tips Original. Class A. Class A. Sainsbury's Red Label. Yeah. Yes. That's a known brand.

You should have admitted that earlier. And Tetley Original. And they're all tied which is good news which is good news Chris do you want to pick up the slack

do you want to pick up the slack here talk about talk about a couple of dogs back in or something I've got the only other thing

is I we one on tape my wife has got to a point now or something. I've got, the only other thing is, we, one, on tea, my wife has got to the point now, less and less milk in the tea. Oh, really? A comedic amount

of milk in the tea. And it's semi-skimmed as well, isn't it? She's gone off semi-skimmed. To what? To skimmed? No, no, to whole. Oh, thank goodness.

She's gone back up to Hull. Good on her. Surprisingly, it coincided directly with when my son took a massive interest in drinking milk. So we're doing that, but now less and less milk in the tea to the point where it's embarrassing going out in public. And it's like, go on. Oh, that's enough.

Do you know what I mean? I'm like, just don't have milk in the tea. That's where we are. Thanks, love. I've got a hack for that, by the way. I do have a tip. What you do is you say no milk, and you're with someone else who has a normal amount of milk in their tea,

and then just take a teaspoon of their tea and pop it in your tea. Then it's not embarrassing anymore. That's not embarrassing. It's less embarrassing. It's less embarrassing. Nick, would you like to answer for yourself? Leave me alone, I'm Irish and I will have my tea however. We're back to the slander scene. Why is the Irish bit coming to it? It's the country that drinks the most tea, it's fact. Is it?

It's the country that drinks the Tea, per capita, Ireland. And also, the highest per capita purchases of 50 cent albums in the world. That's a fact. It is a fact. Any particular one, or just all? I think his debut. The only other bit I've got to say. Yeah?

No, not the only bit, we'll have a laugh. Oh, good, good, good, good. Storm Ewan. Anyone affected by it? What happened? We got trapped in a travel lodge. Trapped in a travel lodge? Trapped in a travel lodge. How long for?

48 hours? 48 hours. Trapped in a travel lodge for 48 hours. Wow. Did you pay for the breakfast? Yeah. No. Did they give you the breakfast? Yeah. No. Did they give you the breakfast?

No. Did they put the breakfast out even? Don't know. What, you were in your room trapped? 48 hours. For 48 hours? Well, just shy of.

I don't know if anyone here has ever been to a travel lodge. Yeah. They don't do room service. It's not a Premier Inn, is it? No. Shame. That's not a Premier Inn, is it? No. Shame. They're better, I'm saying, Premier Inn.

No, it's... We had... It was really bad. Yeah. And he'd come off a... We had a tile terracotta gargoyle come off the roof and absolutely cut all the paint off the side of my car. It's got a big fucking dent in it now.

And this is a cursed car that my wife got. She said leave her alone. Now it's got a load of fucking paint missing off the side. Disaster. Disaster. Can I just backtrack to Tile Gargoyle? Terracotta. Sorry, Terracotta Gargoyle.

Carry on. Now, what's a Terracotta Gargoyle? He's got loads of them, hasn't he? Has he? That's about one right now. So that's the one with the witch's broom on the house?

Yes. Stop telling people where we live. And tell us the... B, obviously. James, legally, what's the problem with... I think people will clearly know where Chris lives because of all the clues. You don't have to be Lloyd Grossman to work it out.

It's one gargoyle down. It's got a broom outside and a Kia Sportage with a... I think the paint has been cunted off. Not my words. I even think I've given half the postcode. I can feel that laser sighter. Is it like maybe the broom is that like, you know, like pampas grass or whatever, elephant stuff outside the front of the house is swingers.

Maybe the broom is that, but for dogs. Do you get dogs knocking on your door in the middle of the night when they've had a few beers looking for action? I won't know anything that you're talking about there, you dirty boy. But previous owner was a white witch. I can say that. Yeah, OK. The starts are fine.

Always the starts are fine. It's where it goes. But what's a white witch? A good one. That's a nice one. Yeah. Opposite of a necromancer, I would say. Right?

Is that true? Did you say... Who gave us the witch information? Who gave us the witch nod? No one. Was it you? Right, look. Is it the opposite of a necromancer?

Opposite white witch. Opposite of a necromancer. Right. So the broom is a necromancer. Right. So the broom is to keep the spirits out. Widely regarded that my house is the most haunted house in the village. My son's scared of it because everyone tells him that it's the most haunted house. But there's nothing in there.

My dad, who's attuned to the other world. Previously discussed. When he was putting my skirt in board, my dad who's attuned to the other world previously discussed when he was fitting my skirting board he was like nothing here I was like that's that

that's it yeah alright go on so he'd done that but could it be Nicol wants the broom away yeah but you're like

the broom is what's protecting the family. That and the terracotta gargoyle. And we've lost one of them, so it's like, come on. We need to appease you always. Didn't you tell me that the broom was to stop people talking about you or something? Apparently, I was Googling why you'd have a broom over your door.

One subversion of it is that it's to protect people from like gossip or something but if you put a broom over your door i think that's going to cause people to talk about your house i'm i'm no white witch it's certainly it certainly causes americans to stop and take pictures of it well i'm not surprised you sound scared of that house. Because of the broom, the gargoyles, and all the dogs that were fucking in there

before you moved in. Yeah, I did notice from the video there was a distinct lack of dog bordello footage. Yeah. We're doing a soft relaunch. Okay.

A soft rebrand of the house. It is not a place of dog fuckery anymore. It's not a doggy sex den. It's not a doggy sex den. It's not a doggy sex den. What's been going on in the Discord then recently? The last thing I saw, I checked it just before I came in, the live events thing, someone put a message about tax.

Someone thinks there's been a tax change under Labour. Finally, the green light from my opinions on clear bloody stuff. Do you like him? Don't do this. No. I think it's that we don't, James, don't, James. Fucking hell. He puts his fingers under his glasses when we talk about politics.

Because I was like, there was one point, I think when Trump got assassinated, that I honestly, earnestly said, we need to talk about this. Another podcast about dry stone walling. The only other thing that I thought, it keeps us away from politics, the only other vague sort of political feeling that I have

and we share all equally is that, you know, that... Obviously. If you ever talk about politics, is James just, like, going like that and then I turn my camera off and have a hit of a vape? I don't want to be part of it. The most recent um uh internet speed test let's get this back on track let's take move us away from the slander zone download 865.91 fucking hell fucking hell and then upload a 317.56 but that is impressive but what's the

point they're in america why has everyone got such fast internet? They're in America. Oh, right. Imagine that. Well, there's more stuff there, I guess. Wider wires. Simply bigger wires. Me, all the studying of internet speed tests I've done,

I suspect that is in New York City. It was Chicago, Illinois. Nice one, Chris. Love that. it was Chicago Illinois nice one Chris did we say my new internet speed I think we talked about it and then forgot to do it but I'm on the I'm nearly 500

down now I've got full fibre thank you but how's that going to be better than what you had before like what than a hundred

yeah was there a problem with the hundred well yeah meetings drop out yeah but that wasn't because of the speed

what was it to do with all your thick walls isn't it you can't get your wi-fi around it no we've got a little distribution

system now and i'll tell you what we've done we've absolutely ragged um a cat 5k roll of the wall so look out for that when you're outside his house internally from the router i've got like we've this victorian house we've just got this strip

internet strip that runs all the way up to the attic so I could connect when I've got my when my PC's fixed which should be soon God willing we could connect indirectly and it's like a telephone exchange at the bottom

I know we said we wouldn't talk about the PC but how long has it been broken now? I'm waiting for a bit of money to come in sorry love sorry just waiting for a bit of money to come in. Sorry, love, sorry. Just waiting for a bit of a boost in the account.

Well, should we... I know time-wise we've got to come back for a second section. Should we do a letter to finish off? Should we do a letter and a Q&A? Q&A. So, first of all, if anyone has any live Q&A questions, first of all, you do have to answer the mushroom question do you know the mushroom question is there anyone up to date on the podcast to know the mushroom

chris do you want to summarize so this happened this happened it's in my mushroom book. Possibly. In Cumbria, in a cave. In Cumbria, in a cave. I think it was last year, maybe. Like a sort of anthropologist, biologist-type lad was exploring. It happened. Yeah, sure. And found, growing in the bottom of this cave, it happened. Yeah, sure. And found growing in the bottom of this cave three mushrooms. Now, if you took one of these mushrooms,

it had the power to give you a new thick head of hair, thicker than it's ever been, and all your teeth would fall out and be replaced with, like, brand-new teeth, like a third set, the hallowed third set of teeth. Do you know what I mean? But, like, all things with mushrooms, that third set the hallowed third set of teeth do you know what I mean so they both like all things with mushrooms

it comes with a with a flip side as well do you know what I mean comes with a crust the mushroom giveth and it taketh away

so if you take the mushroom all this hair great teeth on the flip side you forget everybody that you've ever known

it was a conundrum for the ages well you did say you would take the mushroom no I said I think I was the one that said I love my son I think James said

he would take the mushroom I can't remember exactly how it shook out me neither I can't remember exactly how it should go. Me neither. I can't remember anything. What would you do? Me? I wouldn't take the mushroom, no.

Okay, so... I don't need it. I've got lovely hair and teeth. Let's all go. So, what's your name? Russ. Would you take the mushroom? No.

Okay. Yeah, go shout. He's a very handsome man. He doesn't need it. No, yours is great. I picked him out just... Ask them. Ask them. no okay yeah go shout he's a very handsome man he doesn't need it no he looks great I picked him out just ask them

ask them has any would anybody take the mushroom everybody's hand has gone up interesting it is interesting

isn't it Chris yeah does anyone have any questions for us yes is there any questions for us? Is there any room for negotiation on the mushroom deal? What do you want to add? If there's other aspects of youth that you'd prefer than hair and teeth.

Tick pack. You know, energy levels, that kind of thing. Have you tried Barocca energy? It's genuinely really good. Look, there's a sitting advert right here, it's full of beans! Absolutely. Full of beans, B! No, because I think this is a hypothetical question. This is like, do you know what I mean?

Like it's a thought experiment. It's basically a trolley experiment for the 21st century. It's like, do you know the experiment where it's like, would you be a prison guard or a prisoner and would you administer... Stanfield. Lisa Stanfield.. Would you press the button? Oh, yeah, press the button. Yeah. Would you press the button to kill someone?

It's like that. So it's very... So I think you have to take it with the terms that it's given. As long as the scientists have set the parameters. You will take it? No. No. Okay.

Fair enough. Any further questions? Yes, sir. Rural concerns meme coin. When is it coming? Oh, I can do that in five minutes. I can make that happen. How much would you pay for that?

Okay, it's a zero. It's a zero. I can make it happen, though. Do you want that? Yeah, I'll do it. Someone else got loads of crypto money. He's a crypto idiot. Farcoin.

That's all I'm going to say. But did you make a crypto currency? I did. I made Sunil bucks, yeah. Are they available for purchase? Yeah, but it's gone to zero. That was two years ago. It's still there. It's there forever. So I can get them for purchase? Yeah, but it's gone to zero, so that was two years ago. It's still there. It's there forever.

So I can get them for zero? You can go and buy it for next to nothing, yeah. They go up. If enough people... If he buys it, it will spike the price up, which might make other people think that's going up, and they might pile in as well, and it'll go up. That's how it works, really.

So if everybody in this room were to purchase sunil bucks then that we could skew the market yeah but then who here is going to be left holding some sunil bucks while the rest of us have cashed out that's the problem so we need a we need a we need a sacrifice is that going back from the loo? Thank you for listening to the first ever live edition of Rural Concerns. And thanks to everyone who's come down to a lovely pub in what we can all agree is the worst city on earth. And if you haven't already, please leave us a five-star review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.

Please remember, it has to be a five-star review. What happens if it's not a five-star review? Well, sneak into your bedroom in the dead of night, unlock your phone with your sleeping face, open your podcasting app of choice and unfollow every single podcast except The Rest Is Politics.

Well, I probably best leave five stars then. And if you have a rural concern you can email us at ChristopherAtALovelyTime.co.uk Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph. I can email us at Christopher at lovelytime.co.uk. Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph. I can see him right now, Burrows. Our music is by Sam O'Leary and our artwork is by Poppy Hilstead.

Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for a Lovely Time Productions. Yeah. Thank you. And here's that clip of Sunil in An Idiot's Guide to Bagging an Heiress, which is on BBC Radio 4 this week, and also BBC Sounds. Go in there and type Sunil's name, you'll find it.

But enjoy this clip now, it's very funny. I decided to hire an etiquette coach, but almost immediately things went wrong. Right, do I say full name? Do I go full name? Why don't we try it? Okay. Oh, hello. I'm Sunil Kumar Dinesh Patel. Okay.

Who are you? I'm Jo Bryant. I'm an etiquette tutor for the English Manor. Lovely to meet you. Okay, great. Did that go well? It was okay. Maybe Sunil will be a bit catchier. We're not meeting for business. We're meeting for potentially a drink or dinner or something was it dinner or drinks you were oh it was it was dinner it was dinner yeah yeah how how how am i supposed to behave on dates with

sort of rich rich women yes i think you need to be aware of boundaries at the beginning of the date after all remember etiquette is about how we make other people feel first of all it's obviously good manners to be on time okay and is there like could i not make an excuse and say like my bus was late well you could but they'll also still think you're probably hadn't really you know spent enough time planning your journey right of course if you want to make someone else feel yeah valued which is a good point of etiquette and good manners you want to be on time allow plenty of time and then you want to bust into a little bit of small talk what would be your go-to small talk uh sorry i'm late some of the buses uh they terminated a bit early so i had to get off the bus wait for the next one and then argue with the driver because i'd already paid for the journey okay stop there because

you've already lost me okay okay so the thing with small talk there's a special word in there that tell it gives you a hint right small right and also i mean it doesn't need to become bore talk as well so if you were to sit down at the tables in London, there was lots of cutlery on the table. Do you know which sets of cutlery you'd want to use first? The biggest ones. Well, no. So when you look at the table, so you always work outside inwards, and that doesn't matter whether you're having a seven course banquet or just a three course meal. If you ask for some bread as well, you often have a side plate to

the left-hand side of the place setting and again you want to be eating that quite quickly no all right don't take the full bread roll no break it break it off the main break it up right take the bread roll onto my plate no no leave the bread roll there well you can keep it sort of touching the plate but you don't want to be waving it around because crumbs spray everywhere. Crumbs spray. Because another good point of dining etiquette is to remember we want to be neat and tidy. How many bread rolls can I have? I think just one is enough.

And of course, the most polite thing to do is butter your date's bread. Would you want someone touching your bread rolls? It depends who it is. Bong. Like that.