Rural Concerns - The electrician, a celebrity admirer & web design

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

The lads reunite for another dollop of high-octane middle-aged chat. In this episode; Chris has a new friend and Sunil sheds light on his life as a Power User. You can also hire Sunil to design your website! For more information visit, www.sunilpatelcomedy.com. Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. This episode was edited by Joseph Burrows, Audio Editor [https://josephburrows.org/info]. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead. Our music is by Sam O'Leary. You can drop us an email! We're at [e-mail]. We've been asked to clarify that you won't get a JPEG of Sunil's feet. And yes, email addresses CAN be hyperlinked! 

welcome to rural concerns this is producer james doing the intro because chris only scripted two and we're going to record three. Shout out producer James. They'll be like, don't listen to the others, go in at this one. This is where it really starts, yeah. This is when it starts. Yeah. We're saving this for episode 40 then. Yeah.

I mean, listening to previous episodes where you boasted about not putting the heating on because you're wearing a scarf. And you've had a cold in every record. This is worrying. Yeah, it's not really a cold. I guess it's the cold. But yeah, I've got to wait a week and a half for a new mattress now. I wanted a new bed, but I wanted one of those like Marriott beds. I think they're supposed to be really good.

What, from the hotel? Yeah, you can buy the hotel beds. What? Yeah, Marriott and Premier Inn sell their beds on a separate website if you want them. Shut up. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, they're ex-beds?

Not their ex-ones, but their suppliers. They're used for their beds. You can buy them. Are Premier Inn beds that good? They're made by Hypnos, who make the Queen's beds. How's she getting on with it? Sleeping well, man. She's not waking up, to to be fair you've got me there

you've absolutely done me she's had the deepest sleep but i um i didn't really want to buy a bed and mattress until i moved flat and uh so yeah well you have to move somewhere don't you like as in just get somewhere and then it's you can't buy an amazing thing but you're living in london and you can buy something and i've got i've got an okay budget i just need to find something i actually like for that money don't brag no i'm not bragging i'm saying the first place i looked at was full of mold don't stop chris chris you love mold there's a lot of mold in the middle of uh in the middle floor after last week's belantra chat and you hiding around your house in order to play this addictive card game yeah have you lied to your wife that there's mold on the middle floor of your house and you're just

using it she is forbidden can we have a segment where we talk about what chris has lied to his wife about this week there's quite a lot you know i don't lie i just sort of fudge some some of the key facts yeah it's for her benefit it's not her benefit. It's not for you. For her benefit. Otherwise, she's just going to be let down. She'd just be alone because she'd have kicked you out. She has access to, like, I think it's important to know. Podcasting software. She has access to podcasting. If she's got a problem, she can slap it out on Podbean. She can email us at chris at alovelytime.

Christopher at alovelytime.co.uk. It don't matter. It'll come back at the end but what i'm saying is she she's a good lady total trust she basically she knows i'm not up to any shenanigans because i don't think she sees me in that way do you know what i mean i think she's sort of got the measure with me like i have a friend who i have a friend who wanted to paint me for a short film that she's making. And I just went into my wife and went, can you take a painting of me naked on this chair? And she just took it.

She didn't even ask a question. Do you know what I mean? Said, what's it for? I said, short film. She's like, yeah, sure. That's fine. That makes sense. Not in a way where she's totally cool and a nice person just in a

way where she's sort of had enough do you know like there's a world where there's a world wariness to me other stuff to do other stuff to think about she's busy she's so busy i'm not gonna change now she knows too far in she i think she picked me up as a project you know where she's like she can mold me into like a proper man and now she's like admitting that the clay is shit she never had a chance blaming all the tools as well she blaming all the she's just like i should have never got this clay should have got a grown-up man but alas here we are we signed a contract see you at the bed my deathbed you're busy you're a busy boy and you are i didn't want to pester you while you're filming so you literally just tried to get hold of me on the two days i was doing stuff last week yeah yeah

but you weren't busy and i i was in i was having i was making a little short film and i was like high on adrenaline so i just all i did to be fair to me was message the lady that you live with and ask her for a cache of photographs of you that she's taken over the previous months. A lot of those photos were ones I'd taken of myself when her phone was unattended. Ah, so that's even better. So when she, like, and to be fair to her, she did ask what it was for.

I thought that was pretty bang on, really. What did you say, a short film? I said a short film. And it was a short film in the end. Yeah, I said for promotional purposes for a podcast and she said yeah yeah okay we have an agreement where she can't post any stories or anything about me without permission but she frequently flouts that that sort of rule and then we fall out over it for about 30 minutes yeah that's okay then i get to take it down and then i'm like no it's all right put it back up but i think with you it's like at least someone's doing social media for you you know

like at least someone's doing social media for you i went on your website the other day because when i was trying to lift pictures yeah and i was just like what the what is this well i like i like my website i think it's one of the best comedians websites out there off you go james have a look senil patel comedy.com it don't really give you any information apart from my agent's details and a couple of links to work well somewhat funny that is funny i like the fact that you've used bullet points for every line and not use capital letters and stuff oh you have randomly used one capital letter we don't know purpose i don't know why. Look, I found the cheapest website provider refused to use any of its templates

and just typed out plain text website. Sounds good to me. I like the don't ask if I can design a website for you. I've had two inquiries already. Very classy. Yeah, it's classy. See, Chris? Understated classy, chanel or something

oh so you've you've hyperlinked the radio show but not your agent's contact details you can't hyperlink emails you mustn't people can copy and paste people aren't idiots i'm so i'm so sorry but you can hyperlink emails but nobody wants i don't like hyperlinked emails right i don't want to click on email and then my, the wrong email program opens up on my laptop. You know,

I just want to copy it into Gmail and then that's it. Right. I'm a power user of computers and I understand the friction points that people have

more than UX designers do. But then also, we're both looking at your website right now. Yeah, and it's good. Just to see. It's a good website. It's a good website.

You want one? We've got notes. I'm not allowed to ask. That's my website. We would if we could, but we can't. Fine. I'll ask you.

Outreach. Yeah, go on. Do you want a website, Dan? Yeah, go on. I've got one website, Dan? Yeah, go on. I've got one, but it could really do with being scaled back a bit to just plain text. I will strip it back to its purest essence and get you across in way less information you've put up.

I think mine's already been stripped back to its purest essence by me forgetting to update the name, and now it's a Chinese advert for the Premier League that features a shark. Man, that's a great website. What, as in you let it lapse and they snapped it up? There's a lot of traffic going through this. Exactly.

And now it's a Chinese advert for the Premier League and there is a shark in a Cape and Nemo for some reason. Are they saying you've got to pay a lot more to get it back? I don't know. I haven't bothered looking. I don't need a website. I don't think I need one but you know, that's the only place you can find out where my agent is. You can't do it on my

Instagram or anything. Who needs to find your agent? It's not hard to Google. It's tough nowadays with podcasts and stuff because would you say if someone wanted to get you on their podcast, would they have to go through your agent or's not it's not hard to google it's tough nowadays with that with podcasts and stuff because would would you say if someone wanted to get you on their podcast would they have to go through your agent or would they go through you they just message me on instagram or twitter it's it's very i'm a very easy person to get hold of that's a little come get me come get me what about you chris um i maintain um a perfectly crafted bonsai of a bonsai tree of information. I've got a link tree with all my links collated and upcoming shows.

I've got a website, which does need a bit of attention. And I've got a website for my double act, which also needs a bit of a spring clean. I'll do them both. I've just started Googling you, Chris. Yes, sir. You know, you get your resume browsing option for the last time that you searched that. My resume browsing is Chris Cantrell DOB.

Why are you looking for that? Don't look for that. People, yes, I think people don't know what to, do you know what I mean? They're like, is he a very old man or a teenager with some sort of genetic condition do you know i mean they don't they can't they don't know how to figure it so although i feel old i'm i feel old now now you you keep yourself young by playing these little computer games hand-eye coordination like with people with

attention issues and stuff like that i love playing computer it just soaks up all of my focus do you know what i mean because everything else that i do i'm always thinking about um a little scheme or something do you know what i mean so with a computer game i'm just focusing on balatra are you just repeating the word balatra in your head over and over again as you play it. Exactly. Exactly. Now you get it. So you know I moved to the middle of nowhere and I don't have any friends. Tonight, after we record this episode, I'm meeting online with two of my friends

and we're playing a video game called Elden Ring. It's beyond you. I don't mean that disrespectfully. But Chris, you've just bought a new house. Should you be playing video games all the time or is there something else you should potentially be doing to that new house? I should be doing a lot.

I should be stripping. It's so over, there's so much to do. It's so overwhelming. I should be stripping walls. I've done a little bit, but I need to just sit down and play some video games sometimes because the amount of stuff that needs doing is too overwhelming. It's for his meditation. He needs that. It's for meditation so that I can do,

but I get my, my dad helps me a little bit and he comes and we get on really well. We have a laugh all the time, but you know, I can see a look in his eye when he keeps catching me on my phone and stuff, you know, but he comes up, he's retired and he'll come and he'll spend and we'll sort of do a room together or prep and stuff like this. And can't really do anything so i find the entire process like at the minute i'm doing with tradesmen and stuff a lot men yeah with skills come into my house and i pay them for skills and this week i've had an electrician around a lot who i think now passes for my best friend in the village he's called tony the electrician he a lot who I think now passes for my best friend in the village. He's called Tony, the electrician. He's like a proper Geordie.

Does he know what you do for a living? He hasn't heard it from me, but it's teased around. And so I think my mother-in-law said, because my mother-in-law likes to show me off a bit. And I was in London doing some shows or something. And he was like, Chris is off to London to do a show. I'm doing a show in the village hall in a run up to Edinburgh. And my mother-in-law was like, do you want to come and see him at the village hall? And Tony was like, nah. And I was like, yeah, that's what you want. That's what you want in a friend.

They're not there. They're not glory hunters. Exactly. He's not bothered. And he's not a friend per se, but he does talk to me a lot. He's on the parish council. So he's a powerful, like he's a power broker. How do you get on that? You should get on that. I can't get on that. I can't get into another thing where you've seen, we do this podcast, you've seen how many minutes I'm keeping, you know? So imagine that times like parish council's just minutes of meetings and attendance and I can't do it at this point. Maybe when I'm a bit older and I got a bit of a free schedule or something,

then I'll come to the parish council. But right now I can't do it. It's too much. So he's come and I pay him so much an hour and he's doing a few. We've got, because the house is old, there's like loads of little wiring jobs that need to be done. And I pay him so much an hour and he talks to me about what's going on in his parish council for an hour.

And for that entire hour, I'm thinking, am I paying for this hour? Do you know what I mean? Like, is this, is this on the clock? And I have to keep him in,

like, if he comes through the door, I get to him a coffee and then I have to do him a coffee, like once an hour from that point on, you know, that's a lot of coffee, man. It's a lot of coffee, man.

It's a lot of coffee and I'm matching him coffee for coffee. So by the end of the day, I'm, I'm, I'm not sleeping really at the minute. I met a taxi driver up here that he picked me up from train station. And he said, where have you been? I said, London. He went, station and he said where have you been said london he went nah he said that he said i'm never gonna go to london and he said i'm never gonna go 50 miles away from my own house what does he do when he hits the 50 that's a very

interesting like maxim for a taxi driver there's tight parameters in there. I think he's like, he maps it out. He leaves them on hard shoulder. Emergency stop on an A road. The fucking Truman show just hits the edge of the dome, doesn't it? Leaves them there. And he's like, I'm sure you'll be fine from here. If you think you want to go to London. Does he have a tag on?

Is that it? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that is it. But then when I go to like now, it's because I have to go to, I go to train station a lot. I always think we've, like, because I have to go to London.

Back in the day, when you were getting a train, you know, like, turn-in-a-century men, Edwardian, Victorian men, with big maps, and you're going, like, yeah, look, there's a mountain there.

Yeah, we've got to drill through that to go to Edinburgh or something like that. Whereas now, you go, I'd like to go to Edinburgh or something like that. Whereas now you go, I'd like to go to London and the people at the train station are like, why do you want to go there for? Don't go.

You don't, don't worry about that. Stay here. That's what we can't. I mean, it might. They don't want to lose you, man. They don't want to, yeah. They don't want to lose.

Maybe it's like the Ravens, the Ravens leaving the tower. Northumberland shall fall when this Yorkshire man that's lived there for four years disappears I imagine they do lose a lot of young people

to big cities don't they so they're like what are you doing that for Tony asked me he said what age are you now I said I'm 40 Tony and he went what like that

and I was like yeah yeah Tony do you know what I mean like I think Tony thought I was a young buck by how old's Tony

58 and he's your best friend yeah yeah that's good You know what I mean? Like, I think Tony thought I was a young buck. How old's Tony? 58. And he's your best friend? Yeah. Yeah, that's good. And I pay money to be in my house. But because like with rural tradesmen, maybe just any tradesman, but getting people here is hard work. Like, they're all busy.

If they're good, they're very, and even if they're not good, they're block booked busy. Yeah. So you can't get hold of them. So Tony, I'm like, I need this, this and this done.

He's like, I'll do this. And then I've got to go do all these other, and I'll come back to you in a few weeks. You know what I mean? Like he's spinning plates all the time and being very in demand. And I've seen it. He did a job for me.

And then he came back quite recently. I said, I wasn't expecting you to see you so soon he went no but you in your email you really did beg so he took pity on me what what he needs chris is somebody to take over as admin for him i can't do it i would love to i can't i can't be in a minute taking for the parish council i'm trying to pull away from yeah yeah this sort of stuff you should be the appointment taker for the parish council. I'm trying to pull away from this sort of stuff. I'm not saying you should be the appointment taker for the local electrician. He works out every day, so he always comes by yours first. I think it might be the only way to earn regular money.

You know what I mean? But that's my general experience as a tradesman. I don't know what to do with them. I'm old enough to like, I don't pretend to know stuff that I don't know anymore in my life. You know what I mean? I think when I've been a younger man, whether it's like DIY or football,

feeling uncomfortable, I'm like bluff my way through a conversation with an old school man about football teams or electrics or something like that whereas now i'm just like i don't know what that means when you just say i don't watch football and i don't know what's happening around my house yeah yeah because it sounds like there's an implication that your household has fallen into into inequity because i'm playing little video games i think there's like my my i ain't some prison be judged for doing that like if you think about it the you know the lord of any castle doesn't know how the fucking

electrics work in there does he he doesn't care about football does he too busy with ceo stuff big boy shit big boy shit that's what i'm saying just while we're on this chris how how did you get that scratch on your head doing doi myself oh what what happened i've got some there was some wood paneling on the wall and that came off and then i took off a wooden like baton on a wall and i prized it off with a crowbar and it came out at quite a force and hit me full on in the head tried to throw a super tried to throw a super bowl at someone your stats don't match up to what you want to do it's hard because a lot there's a lot of a vibe of like don't worry chris don't ch up to what you want to do. It's hard because there's a lot of a vibe of like, don't worry, Chris.

Don't, Chris is busy. And it's like, they don't know. A lot of comedy is sending like high resolution photos to people and looking at post-it notes that just say random words like, do I have any friends? Do you know what I mean? And you're like, that's... They're not random words.

They're very thought through. They're very thought through very thought through just if you're looking at your stats on a dnd sheet chris cantrell the character of chris cantrell ron seal syphilis is your name what are your stats for coordination and strength out of 20 i think in my head i I've got like, I've always thought my coordination is higher than I have any evidence to believe that it is. In my head, I'm like spry and physically strong. What out of 20 is delusion? Delusions, high.

But I don't believe in myself at all. Do you know what I mean? So it's that odd mix of... It's weird. If you don't believe in yourself yet, you believe in yourself when you're taking a crowbar to a wall in your own house. Yeah, now there's a big hole in the wall

and a big hole in my head. And the stats back it up, I reckon. The stats back that up. I think I'd have like bardic knowledge because I know I travel around a lot yeah I know sort of like nooks and crannies

of cities and villages and hamlets around the UK you're one of those old storytellers with a cloak and a staff

yeah and that's what we do but I said to my friend my friend showed me the last he took me to a place in Manchester that was

he said this is the last street of free parking in Manchester. And when we got there, I said, is that this one with the burning caravan on it? I still park there. We took a picture with our children outside the burning caravan as well. So Neil, what's the tradesman scene down in London? Are you doing that work, that app where you just like get a random handy person to come round and be handy? Yeah, Justin comes round whenever I want a shelf put in up.

Do you rent? Yeah, I rent but sometimes I have to get a handyman for various things that I need doing. So shelves he came round and did. Picnic table he put that up and picnic table in the garden, yeah. We just got a picnic table instead of garden furniture and he put that together in very quick time.

He's not qualified or anything. He's just a lad who's just handy. Graphic designer by trade. Oh. Cash in hand. It's all done. And he doesn't look down on you. He doesn't like,

cause he also wears like little glasses. So he's like, I know I feel what you feel sometimes, you know, but he, he got through that and became a handyman so it's kind of he's like a he's a good guy yeah so we do get handyman but it's off an app uh yeah yeah yeah yeah so you can use that for like oh god i got this ikea furniture and i can't be arsed and you get some lad round and he's like I can't really be arsed either but I do need the money do they get as angry as an average person

putting up Ikea furniture you mustn't be in the same room as the handyman or the workman you must leave them to it is that like a magical still skin sort of vibe if you watch them it won't happen it's like fairies if you see one at work you'll you'll fucking die

don't give them clothing or they will leave but tony told me that i can't i can't ask him for a budget do you know what i mean i can't ask him for a quote really yeah he was like you could ask me for a quote but i don't really want to do it and and, and I'm like, yeah, okay. I get that. But he was saying like, he says, he says it takes as long as it takes. And if you ask me, then I'll quote really high. So,

because I'll have to go worst case scenario. Yeah. Okay. So I'm sort of like, so I'm sort of like, okay. So I guess. Well,

you don't have a choice, do you? No. So I just have to be like, yeah, but I mean, this is my best friend we're talking about. So I'm sort of like, okay. So I guess. Well, you don't have a choice, do you? No. So I just have to be like, yeah, but I mean, this is my best friend we're talking about. So I trust him. Yeah. With your life.

You can't put a price on friendship. I wonder if, do you know in the. You can't put a quote on friendship either. Do you know in the thirties when like some sort of rich sod would walk into a fun fair in America and the carnies would be like, this is a big gullible. That's what they called them, a mark, didn't they? They put a chalk mark on their back.

So then when they're walking around the fun fair, every carny, is that fine to say? It doesn't feel fine. Every professional carnival worker who moonlights is a thief has has spotted the chalk mark and they all rinse they all rinse him for as much money as possible and i feel that that is what is happening with this house do you know what i mean i just like i just feel like to tradesmen almost everyone who isn't a tradesman is a man my dad actually had the reverse of this story. My dad did all the jobs in the world by the time he was 20.

And he was from the East End of London. And he, at one point, worked as a debt collector. But what would happen, apparently, if you went around and they couldn't pay the debts and you were like, you weren't going to F them over kind of thing, you would put a mark on their door so that other people knew, other debt collectors knew, like, it's not worth it. Oh, I like that. I've not seen that happen on Can't Pray, We'll Take It Away. No.

Well, this is pre-BBC. This is pre-probably BBC Two, I'd say. I like that. Secret clubs and secret markings and stuff. That's cool. Robbers, burgl I like that. Secret clubs and secret markings and stuff. That's cool. Robbers, burglars do that. We have covered that on a podcast and that is probably a lie. There was an old thing back in the past,

the fraternity of vagabonds, which was like a pamphlet, which detailed all the different scams that people did. But it was basically a fiction. It's a cool fiction, but it's, yeah, it's not true. We had another tradesman come because we've got, people did but it was basically a fiction it's a cool fiction but it's yeah it's not true we had another tradesman come because i we've got there's probably a problem with the roof a leak in it and what i know and you know like yeah fair enough that's just another thing i did i'm sure roofs are cheap so you know like to get houses done now it's like the law to get everything scaffolded and

stuff and i just have a lad up someone else's house you know like just on a pair of ladders fixing a bit of roof. And I was like, that's the lad that we need. Do you know what I mean? No regard for anyone's safety. I was like, get him in. New best friend. So he was there with his wife and I was talking to him and he was like,

yeah, I'll go up and do it. Do you know what I mean? Where I can't get my head around roofing where it's like one guy quotes like nine grand. He's like, yeah, I'll do it for a hundred quid. Do you know what I mean? I don't know, but I'd rather throw a hundred quid at this and maybe it's like one guy quotes like nine grand he's like yeah i'll do it for 100 quid do you know what i mean anyway i don't know but i'd rather throw 100 quid at this and maybe it's fine and send and definitely not have nine grand yeah but sometimes sometimes you quote a figure because

you just don't want to do it and then they say yeah and you're like my fine all right i guess i'll do it now i don't want to go in that mad house with a witch's broom above it that's how i'd take it out. Yeah. Nicol wants it down. I'm like, let's just wait. He's playing a card game on a switch all day. He's mad. He sits in the front room and everyone walks past.

I can see how busy he is. But the guy, the guy came past. It was with his wife and I was talking to both of them just being like, how are you doing? And could you look at this? Yeah. Yeah.

And his wife said, have you had any experiences in that house? I said, excuse me, please. What? Please clarify. And then my son came out of the front door. So she shut up. She clammed up.

I went, no, no, no, please. Please tell me. Go inside. Go inside. I want to hear. And I started telling my wife and she said, Chris, stop talking. The only thing that this house has going for it at the minute is that it's not haunted.

I don't want to know. Oh, so you didn't, oh, that's a shame. You'd have loved that. Well, no, but I don't know what it is, but it's like, I don't know. Am I on a rail line? I don't know. I mean, I want to know now.

Yeah, you need to find out more. Yeah, unfortunately, maybe this is actually quite clever marketing on behalf of the roofer, because you're going to have to get that roofer to do the job, so there's a chance you'll meet the wife and get the full story. This is it. I've got to pay.

Do you think maybe the podcast could pay for me to get the roofer down? Oh, hello. I see what's happening. We're not paying for your friendships. Yeah, there is a sad transactional there is a transactional nature i've got tony the electrician i've got my new roof a friend george and i have to pay him 150 quid to be my friend we've got this podcast which i well i mean no one's really getting paid apart from James, but like... Egg Mountain Productions is making a fortune off this. Egg Mountain Productions is the only one.

We're basically paying to have this good fun time. I'm paying to have a chat with you two idiots. Yeah. When you boil it down, that doesn't help with the loneliness. I feel more lonely. If there were a load of ghosts in your house, would you feel less lonely do you think, or scared? I would love it to be true. What kind of ghost do you want?

Old Victorian man. Oh, he's a nice guy. Look at his face. No, no shoes. He's just floating. I bet you get someone who just died 10 years ago

and he's like, for fuck's sake. Yeah, yeah. He's wearing a... He's wearing... He's wearing a he's wearing he's wearing he's wearing a let's say

I put that in actually I I went to this is very rare for me but I took advantage of whoa whoa whoa is this your cultural highlight go on then

put the big sting in there baboof like subwoofer bass. Cultural highlight. Paboof. I watched a black and white art house film in a cinema. Never saw myself as that guy,

but I am now. I saw you as that guy. You watched Nosferatu for your birthday. Yeah, but I wanted to go on my phone. I went to see an Ingmar Bergman film

called Persona, which was like a very interesting from black and white Swedish, but an actress who's gone like silent and this nurse looking after her in a, in a seat in a house by the seaside. Sounds good. It was good. It was really good. It's like one of those films that like you should see,

but you never ever want to see again. It's not a fun one, but, um, that was my cultural highlight. Not much to report about it, except I did after about, it was 85 minutes long, 30 minutes long 30 minutes in i was like oh this is actually quite good 40 minutes in i was like i don't really know what's happening and then i just zoned out

cultural highlight yeah sounds good sounds like check it out oh did you go see that at a bfi no i saw it at the prince charles cinema oh, that's a nice, fun cinema. They show fun things. Oh, good lad. It's a weird screen, but yeah, it's nice. Chris, what's your cultural highlight then, up in the countryside? Well, I went to cinema too. I've done two cinemas.

Bang, bang. I took my father-in-law to see Zone of Interest. Yeah. What did you feel about that? Which was, oh man. Well, my father-in-law, it was good times, but at least it wasn't sexy that's all i'll say yeah you know i'm watching a sexy film i've heard it's one of those ones that

really sticks with you days off yeah i've been thinking about it constantly i watch i've watched that and i've been watching june 2 and really two different ends of the spectrum of this is cinema yeah yeah i've been thinking about them both a lot. And I'm like, yeah. Jim. Have you seen June 2? I haven't yet. Yeah, I want to see it. I want to see it.

It's all I want to see. It's just, yeah, it's brilliant. Austin Butler. I want to see if the worms win this time. I'm not going to spoil it, but it's very cool. Yeah. Dennis Bielder is very good at that noise, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's done it in Sicario.

He's done it in Arrival. Yeah. He's perfected it in June. I just decided to start getting out a little bit, you know, and just go trying to do little things of an evening. Yeah. Where's your nearest cinema? Carlisle.

It's a 25 minute drive away. How big is the screen? Normal. As big as the television I've got in my front room. What's your cultural highlight? Outside of June 2, I did a pub quiz. Oh. Came mid-league.

Get this, it was in the village. And apparently the guy that put on, they brought in, they were trying to raise money for a local pub being reopened as a community pub. So they put on a quiz night with pie they were trying to raise money for a local pub being reopened as a community pub. So they put on a quiz night with Pye and Pee's. Pye and Pee's were brilliant. The quiz was brilliant, but they brought in like a professional quizzer. It was a lot of fun.

It was intense, but it was won by like people from outside the village, you know, like professional quizzers. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, they came in for it. They came in for it. Didn't know anyone. Didn't really talk to anyone.

Didn't like clap with anyone else. Did they have a funny team name? No. Well, we didn't have team names in this. And you think, oh, that's a, it does make me very anxious, but it does feel like a mandatory part of it. Lamp, lamp, lamp. But you, limited.org slash PLC.

The mechanic in this one was the pub quiz. Before each, all the quiz names had cryptic headlines, so you wouldn't really know what the content was. But before each round, you could play a joker card

and double your points for the following round. So you're just thinking of Belantro for the whole time then? Yeah, yeah. I tried to get a full house. Do you know what I mean?

And then it's, sorry, I was talking's, I'm sorry. I'm just, I was talking and I've just on my computer, a little WhatsApp message from my dad, Chris, how can I get a computer to print PDFs? So that's what I've got after immediately after this,

another two hours. Yeah. My mom and dad, they just, yeah, I won't talk about, we'll come back to them, but yeah,

full on intense. But yeah, so the quiz names are cryptic. You about, we'll come back to them, but yeah, full on intense. But yeah, so the quiz names are cryptic. You don't know what's going to be in each round, but you can play a joker card if you think that you're going to do well in that round. Presumably. I'd say that's an accurate summary of what happened. Yeah.

And we came mid league. I got, there was a speech from Jaws. Then I said, that's from Jaws. And my father-in-law overruled me and it was from Jaws. So I was like. Jaws 2.

What did he say? It was the one about the, you know, like the dead bodies, dead bodies coming out of the, is it Vietnam? Yeah. Something like that. It's the, it's the USS Indianapolis. Yes. They were delivering the parts for the atom bomb.

Yes. It's a true story. Yeah. It's absolutely brilliant. 600 went in. Yeah. Only 300 came out.. Yeah, it's absolutely brilliant. 600 went in. Yeah. Only 300 came out. Ever seen a shark's eyes?

Do you actually just know it? Like an old eyes. I'm actually watching Jaws at the moment. Not literally now, I've paused it. But I've remembered how good Jaws is. It's my sort of annual remembering of how good Jaws is and watching it. I did want to know what you were doing on those tabs

while you were zoning out during these recordings, but it's good to know. I just thought it was internet pornography, but yeah, that's good. It's Schneider. Oh, yeah. So I did that, did the pub quiz. It was good.

It was me, my father-in-law, Alistair and Fiona, who were very nice people from the village, like my father-in-law's friends, quite artsy people. Lovely. We had a great time. But you lost. But we lost and it stung. And I'm going to come back.

What was the prize? Just quickly. Was it cash? Yeah, it was 100 quid. But because it's raising money for the yeah uh pub there was it was heavily implied that no money needs to go back into the fundraising but the pro quizzes the pro quizzes would have just taken that right the pro no no the pro quizzes put it back in they didn't care they're not they don't bother about trinkets are they they're in it for the the thrill of the the thrill

of the the thrill of the quiz, achievement. I suppose it's like you were saying about with stand-up the other week. It's like they were using that pub quiz as like a way to hone their skills for the bigger quizzes kind of thing. Like when you're saying you do a gig to work on material for other ones. It was a new material quiz for them. But my area is movies, TV. Don't know sport, don't know music. Any music at all.

So is that the entirety of your cultural highlight? Sorry, Sunil. I've done three pub quizzes in the last few months and come fairly near rock bottom on all of them. Each time it was a team of two people and we just hit it real bad. We were real bad. I just didn't think,

you can't win a quiz with a two-man team. No. That's what I thought. And then the last quiz, it was won by a two-man team. It's possible. You can't win one with your two-man team. I couldn't see them.

They were around the corner. They knew what they were doing. They didn't want to be seen. They wanted to win. Yeah. Behind the pillar by the exit, ready to go. Yeah.

Cash grab. Was one of them off Eggheads. I reckon a couple of them could have been Eggheads. Can I tell you a thing? A bit of a mad... This is mad. I've got a celebrity

in Myra and it's CJ off Eggheads. What, he came to see your show? I don't know if he's seen a show but he's like commented on me on Twitter a couple of times

saying he's like a bit of alright. And I was like to Amy who I'm in the double act with, I was like, well, he thinks he sort of fancies me. And she was like, do you mean him who got accused of murdering a man? I said, well, nobody's perfect. He was arrested in the Netherlands.

He was arrested in the Netherlands. Did he do it then? I don't know. Innocent until charged guilty. So let him off the hook. I mean, this is a story from 2016. I can't see the follow-up anywhere at the minute. So he's allowed to be out in the world and to fancy who he likes.

He could be a new friend of yours, Chris. Bump him up the list a bit. I think just anything else on your cultural highlights? I think I've done loads there. I've gone to cinema. I've gone to a pub quiz. What more do you want? That's...

Is that your cultural highlight, the cinema and pub quiz? Is there a richer cultural life than going to watch June 2? You can't count the cinema as a cultural highlight of living where you are.

It's all we've got. Not a single person involved in the making of June 2 knows that your village exists. Yeah. Sorry. That's,

that's pretty harsh. That's a bit much. So now come on, don't kick a guy when he's down. Timothy Chalamet has been to. Don't say that. It's so small. It's like,

if you say the actual name and a village, people could come in and be like, does he live in that house? No. Well, he must live in this house. Do you know what I mean? Because this is the only one with a witch's broom on it.

I think you've given enough for CJ to find me. Is there a canal? Well, when they had the survey done, they were like, there is a risk of flooding. So yeah, I've got a body of water nearby. That's all I'll say on the matter. But don't give them any more. a matter but don't give them any more all right don't give them that word of the village we part that word so i've done that i've

done the cinema i've done a pub quiz i played many games of belatro that is a cultural life this is a rich and fulfilled cultural a rich and fulfilled life every now and again, catch myself in the black bits of the screen. As all men do. Don't worry about that. Anything in the arts, anything in the art world. What do you mean? It's written on the paper.

Oh yeah. I've stopped looking at the oil. I've stopped looking at the bit of paper now. I was just like, I was just like, turn off the, you know, like Luke Skywalker,

turn off the guiding system. Let's crash this fucking baby. That's like, yeah, just everyone doing this. Use the force. Turns it off just instantly into the side of the canyon. Well, wait there. Wait there, because I've found something. We're not recording it. Have we stopped recording've found something. We're not recording it.

Have we stopped recording? No video. We're not recording video. No, but I'm going to show you it, and then we can react to it. What a silly cunt. Oh. Oh. Did you paint that?

No, I found it in a cupboard hidden, like jammed up under a cupboard under the stairs. Is it haunted? Just describe what it is. It's an oil painting, I suspect by an amateur hand, by someone called, it's signed Fiona. Adolf Hitler. A Hitler. Not the Hitler.

Alan Hitler. Alan Hitler's oil painting of a I think what do you say it adds to that it's a kestrel yeah probably sort of hunting bird

isn't it it's nice so it's sort of looking over its shoulder like bit coy sexy just to sort of

tie that into the spooky roofer's wife are you sure that head is at the same angle as when you found it I do feel it

follows me around the room my son said he wants it in his bedroom and i was like yeah fair enough then that'll be that he'll have that in his room and it'll say stab your mom and dad with a pair of scissors how come there's yogurt all down the bottom of this painting that's nice though it's not like looking up i think the brushwork could be a bit I don't know what it is but they've gone to trouble with having it framed yeah

so it's good it's nice I like it but I do I do all agree with Sunil it's probably haunted that's why they hid it

that's why they hid it isn't there so so where was it hidden where did you find it an under the stairs like cupboard which is just full of

old bits of metal dog cum like piles of dog home. It's all curdled now. So you can only, can't even use it for, you can't even cook with it. Do you know what I mean?

So, um, so it was, it was jammed under the set, like right to the back of the back of this dusty old cupboard. So I just like pulled it up and I was like, what is this? I scratched it a bit, getting the frame a bit, getting it out. But I mean, if anyone wants to buy it.

I wouldn't want to take it from your son. Oh yeah. I don't want him having it. I don't really like old paintings that people have found. That's the genre of painting I don't really like. What, just old paintings? So you don't like just brand new paintings that nobody's ever owned? No, I don't like old paintings that people have found under the stairs in their house.

You just like the big, giant, nine-foot Peaky Blinders oil? No, it's not a binary option, is it? I'm just saying that's one specific area of painting I don't want in my house. Well, I've got a painting of Bulldog smoking a couple of spliffs on a surfboard. I've got an alien Meeting the Dalai Lama And saying Toke me to your leader Yeah yeah

Nice And I've got Mike Tyson Biting off of Vander Holyfield's ear And I've got a new one coming Which is a Labrador In an F-19 fighter pilot Fighter plane

With the American flag behind him Now I am Going to buy some new art Actually So give us something To talk about next time What? New art that I am going to buy some new art, actually. So give us something to talk about next time. What, new art that I'm going to buy? Yeah.

Is it going to be like the Pope's next door? No, it's... Yeah, it is now. He's doing that. He's doing the V sign, peace sign thing, but he's got a big doobie going down in his hands I don't think I think a lot of people don't have fun art

that makes them laugh I think they should have fun art that makes them laugh I want to get pictures of me commissioned to give to people when I go around the house you know like an oil painting

of me riding a horse or something like that and be like yeah yeah I had this done for you and then they have to sort of put it up

just give them headshots man just give them a headshot with some advice on it yeah keep your chin up keep on the keep on those instagram reels I've got a little character scene just to tack on to the end of this. Okay, come on, focus. And that was Rural Concerns. Thank you for listening to whatever this is. Do you want to get in touch? Oh, you can. We've got an email address.

It's Christopher at alovelytime.co.uk. Yes, it's just my name, but you will reach both of us. And Producer James will not be allowed to read any of the content. I will make sure it gets to him. So if you've got a question, we will try our best to answer it. But if it is time sensitive, please do contact your GP. Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for a lovely time. Our artwork is by Poppy Hilstead and our music was governor governor i can say my own name but it has been pointed out to me from listening back to the new episodes that in one of the episodes i get my own name wrong really someone said sonno goes it's chris cantrell and i go yeah it's ch Chris Cantrell. And that's not my name.

I thought I'd been getting it wrong for all these years. I thought that was actually how it was done. I don't know what it is. Is it the rapper? Is it a rapper? Blue Cantrell. Blue Cantrell. It's just nerves, isn't it?