Rural Concerns - The parents race, virtual reality & big old weird balls

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

Is it wrong for a man to fill a machine with his love? This is the existential question facing Sunil as he dons an Oculus Rift in pursuit of digital pleasure. When Producer James steps out for but a moment, Chris shares another of his long running feuds. What a stupid life this man leads. The lads also receive their first letter from Pudding, the Rural Concerns goat! Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email, [e-mail]. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and the Rural Concerns theme tune is by Sam O’Leary [www.samoleary.com]. Rural Concerns was edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions. Enjoying Rural Concerns? Please consider leaving us a review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. You can also sponsor us via Patreon [www.patreon.com/ruralconcerns] for bonus episodes and exclusive content. Chris is heading to the Edinburgh Fringe this August! Buy tickets to his new show: https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/chris-cantrill-easily-swayed

Welcome to Rural Concerns, a podcast where a couple of top lads decode the secrets of the natural world whilst their producer slowly blinks at multiple Pornhub tabs. We see you. We see you in your glasses. You can see the reflection in my glasses. Yeah. Ah, well. I think that's kind of why I did it. Well, you know what you're up to. Multiple hentai tabs

up. All cartoon porn. Simpsons. It's all Simpsons stuff. Marge Simpson is an upstanding figure of the community. You should be ashamed of yourself. I made you do a video

for social media this week and yeah, people were just like commenting and going, what? Sonny on the promo? I was like,

yep, Sonny on the promo. I'm not going to share it. I don't, I'm not proud of it. That's staying on your account, that one. Cool,

cool. Yeah, no, why would you share it? My Instagram, my last six Instagrams on the grid is basically rural concerns,

isn't it? It's because I don't post anything else. That's not rural concerns' fault. No, that's my fault, yeah. So you need to pop a picture of you having an ice cream

to break it up. All right, let me do it now. Pop a picture of you having an ice cream to break it up all right let me do it now pop up a picture you're having a solero so what people want what's yours look right let's have a look at yours i'm wondering what you're i'm i'm not good at social media but i am busy in a new on it i'm not busy in the new in general but i am busy in the new picture of you dressed as a king with a star yeah that's my head in a of videos. You do a lot of little videos, don't you? I like little videos, but they're hard to do.

I find them very exhausting. Oh, they're a lot of fun. I enjoy them. Thank you. I'm going to put one out tomorrow morning that it's just, do you know when it's, I rope my wife into becoming a videographer for me and I'm not easy to direct.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I don't listen to her. You don't take notes well. I don't take notes well at all. She's like, do you want to try this? I'm like, do direct. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I don't listen to her. You don't take notes well. I don't take notes well at all. She's like, do you want to try this? I'm like,

do you want to try it? Fuck off. And walked a car. I'd say your reaction to notes is either like just brick wall, like bounce back. No, there's no reason. Yeah.

Completely crushed. And you do it in a completely crushed manner. Is it? No. Do you've given him James? Yeah. Yeah. That's my, sorry, that's my experience.

Yeah. I think sometimes it's like, should I, you know, I'll give me a note and be like, could we maybe not say this? Or could we maybe say that? And I'll be like, should I, I don't think I should get out of bed in the morning. That's that then. I think I'm done.

I think I'm done. I remember like, what's it like living with a comedian? And just my wife just exhaled, you know, for two straight minutes. I think I'm done. I think I'm done. I remember like, when you're like, what's it like living with a comedian? I just, my wife just exhaled, you know, for two straight minutes. She's like, she'll laugh all the time.

And you're like, yeah, in a way, in a way, a lot of it's me going, I can't do reels. I don't know what they are. Please leave me be.

Let me die. Just let me die. Like at the minute, my, at the minute, my, like we build it up we're in the build up to the edinburgh fringe i'm going to the edinburgh fringe please buy tickets to make

my wife's life better because now we're in the run-up i'm just i'm not necessarily my best self what i'm doing in a minute is saying like right well i'm just going to do edinburgh and then after that i'm going to be a postman that's what i'm going to be i'm retiring i'm just going to be a full-time postman are you sure you you could just be a postman. That's what I'm going to be. I'm retiring. I'm just going to be a full-time postman. Are you sure you could just be a postman though? What do you mean I can't be a postman?

Well, you can't just be like, let me be a postman. I was just asking have you looked into it properly? Because I, they don't just hire anyone, do they? There is a little test

that you have to do. Yeah. Can you read? Can you walk for a mile? I think I'm struggling. Where you live, you'd have to be given a little van.

What's your no claims like i don't have my own insurance i it's my wife's insurance i'm a named driver how many years have you had your license that's oh no i have got i um i have got that i'm very recently under my own insurance because you know when you get to your 40th year you're like you need your own i think i'm on one year one no claims. That's good, isn't it? Yeah. How long have you had your license, though? That's important. I can't remember exactly, but I got it when I was in Manchester, so probably

about five, six years ago. So I was in my thirties. Ooh, I think you're creeping. I think you're creeping, yeah. Five years. I was in my thirties. If there's any postman listening, let us know if you'd hire Chris. It's mad. I can't be. I'm too old to be a police officer. No, you're not. I don't my 30s. If there's any postman listening, let us know if you'd hire Chris. It's mad, I can't be, I'm too old to be a police officer.

No, you're not. I don't want to do it. What about murder? You do murders. I don't want to do, I think... If you've got a degree, you can go straight into murders. You can try and join as a detective, you don't have to be a constable. Oh, right, sorry, I misunderstood you. I thought you meant doing murders.

I don't want to do that, I don't want to be part. It's hard to monetize. I think I've got, I always wanted to be a detective when I was a little kid. You know, it sure comes. Either of you. Yeah. Like I, like I, have either of you used a private detective? No.

No. No. I had a friend when I lived in London. I still am friends with, she lived in Camden and she just like lived there scrubbing about. But at home, she was like the heiress to like a giant manor in Shropshire. And I went once and got an eye of what her actual childhood was like.

And she, she told me, said it's mad just because her family, you like whenever a family fall out all the time and they always have private detectives investigating everything. Do you know what I mean? It's like how their family at a row would be involved. They would set them on each other to find out who's doing what

and stuff like this. Oh, right. Can I just hire one then? All right, hire private. you need one though chris oh we do all the all the investigations you do i was saying that i just said it out loud then for the first time in 35 years or whatever that i i wanted to be a detective when i was a small child and just saying it out loud i realized i am That's what I do almost full time now, is investigate mysteries in the local area. The local detective is 10 years in business.

Is there any update on that, by the way, while we're here? Well, no. We've hit a wall, which is no offence to the constabulary, but the police being absolutely useless. You know, it's like a catch-22. They can't arrest him unless they have evidence. They can't arrest him or pull him over, even though they've got his license plate,

unless they catch him drunk, but they won't come out unless they have evidence. You know, like some mad Kafkaesque bureaucracy, which is basically the people in the, the other people in the guild, they're like, we need to follow this up with the police. And I'm the only one that's like, the police cannot be, the police are not going to fix this.

It's important to flag it with them because they've given us full legal green lights to do a citizen's arrest. They haven't. But it's important that we've got a track record that we did try and do the right thing. But like, do you know when you look at the police can't solve burglaries and murders. Do you know what I mean? I don't think they're going to be bothered about Ford Jenkins.

So we've got to fix it ourselves. So we can't do anything. We've got the license plate. My thought process is basically to, the thing that's within my remit, is what I could do is make a sign what i could do is make a sign that basically just flags it in a very light way that's got most of the license plate but a lot of it obscured just enough for them to know that we know that it's their car and just point out that volunteers are helping keep the streets clean. That sounds mostly fine, doesn't it?

It's like Neighbourhood Watch. It's fine. It's like Neighbourhood Watch. Just say, we know what your full licence plate is and we are quite close to taking this upon ourselves. There was actually a suggestion in the group because we basically narrowed down where they work. Oh, God. And it all comes down to a receipt for a supermarket.

And we think that that receipt is where they work for a couple of reasons. So with this receipt, basically that explains the mad shift pattern. Like there's no order to this. Like it doesn't happen at seven o'clock after work. It happens all the time, which would explain working in a supermarket. So we basically, we think we know where to work. It happens all the time, which would explain working in a supermarket. So we basically, we think we know where to work. And one suggestion in the group this week was to spend £17.99 on a GPS tracker and to put it in, this isn't coming from me either, to put it under, to get where

they work, put it in under the car, attach it to their exhaust or whatever you do with it. And we'll know where they live then. And that's do with it. And we'll know where they live then. And that's all we need. Like, we'll know where they live. Well, James has just sent another suggestion in the WhatsApp group, if you want to have a look at that. Is he messaging saying, please stop talking about this? No, no, he sent us a product.

Okay, I'm opening it up now. Stinger spike system. This is what they use to stop OJ, isn't it? You need someone looking out and then you just throw it out in the road. That's the noise it makes. That'll pop their tyres and then you've got to do the citizen's arrest on them as well. It's a bit, I mean, I've seen snippets of a CCTV, but he's a big lad. Yeah, I just don't think anyone, any of you guys are prepared for the amount of adrenaline coursing through you

if you do deploy a stinger system. I'll tell this now that you've said that i do believe do you feel this like basically having done stand-up performed in front of people public speaking to audiences sometimes in the tens you know i mean my um yeah i think that we as a group have a higher threshold for what spikes our adrenaline. When I remember being on a train platform in Newcastle with another comedian and the last train was cancelled. And basically everyone was freaking out and overreacting and being very aggressive with all the staff and stuff like that. And I just remember me and the other comedian had like a very steady hand. Do you know what I mean? I do think.

Yeah. That's more the experience of using late night public transport that you get as a comedian, isn't it? I think like if you two were then involved in a fight, you'd still, that adrenaline training over the years wouldn't help at all. Yeah, it's different types of adrenaline in different situations. Yeah, like you're in a totally new situation, so the adrenaline's not familiar.

Chris, I simply must tell you about what I did on Sunday. Is this a cultural highlight? It's a cultural highlight. I did a VR experience killing the likes of goblins, Goblin King, dragon, skeletons. What did they do to you?

Well, they were trying to attack me, but it was very intense. I remember speaking to, um, Phil Ellis, comedian Phil Ellis before 20 minutes before I thought I'll give Phil a call, see what he thinks about this. And he said, he said, if you do it, don't choose the zombie experience. I almost had a heart attack. So we chose the D and D experience. And I'll tell you what, I almost had a heart attack in that. It's incredibly intense. It's like a 30 minute workout where you're just slashing away at like goblins and that.

Where are you? What sort of, what are you in? Are you in a warehouse running around? Are you at a seaside? Is it a sea? No, no, no. It's in Holborn in central London called Sandbox VR.

You basically walk in, there's a robot bar making drinks with robot arms. So they've got no staff behind the bar, just robot arms making drinks. And then you go downstairs, you hear loads of people screaming around. Like in all these little rooms, there's people just screaming their heads off. So it's kind of like horrifying already when you're in there. Then you get in, they put VR tags on your wrists and ankles, and then they put

a jacket on, a VR jacket, then they stick the VR headset on, but you do have to bring your own flashlight for it. Yeah, they will empty it for you afterwards. They will run it through their VR industrial dishwasher. If you don't

remember to that, do you have to have one out of the lost property box? You have to go to the vending machine and get a pocket pussy out of it. So you're absolutely tearing through these goblins, filling that fleshlight up. Yeah, yeah.

And if you don't have enough money to pay for anything, you can bring your own pint glass full of mints mate yeah so that's a bit of a top-up judge so yeah it's really good i was really dubious about it but it was it was incredibly immersive to the point like where like you're on a raft and it's falling off a waterfall you genuinely your body genuinely feels like it's falling so you start like tottering backwards the downside is that they film everyone while they play it so you i saw the videos and i've not seen anything more pathetic in my life we went to we went to

whitby to the seaside for a holiday with my mom and dad last year and all the like arcades which should be you know 2p machines and whack-a-mole and stuff. Now I have like a three pounder pop VR experience. And it's basically probably like a very, very entry-level cheap version of what you've been on. You know where the games are like clearly designed by some 4chan 13-year-olds. So the graphics are terrible and the experience is bad. And then I just recorded my dad for three minutes reacting to a to a dragon that

went there and stuff like that and yeah i just i i respect that man so much but not in that moment not in that moment but you know what i mean that could be our future we could just be living inside a metaverse you know we live it wait a minute are we living in a metaverse now no i'll tell you what this reminds me when i was years ago i think when i lived in london so we're talking like 14 15 years ago i remember going past like a train station i don't think you see him as much now but do you remember when you used to have like army recruitment stalls in like supermarkets and train stations and stuff and i was giving them a swerve or just did did Blackpool. You're like rounding up lads who've hit it a bit too hard.

Like, if you really want to murder someone, come on, get in this van. Well, they wait for the release of the new Call of Duty franchise and then wait outside game. Yeah, anyway, that felt good, didn't it? Imagine what that would really feel like. But it was, what was it?

Like when I walked past this army recruitment thing, like 15, 14 years ago, I remember seeing two big, massive army blokes, like pacing around, like it must've been like a 13 year old boy wearing a VR, like an early VR headset. And you're like, don't do it, lad.

Please don't do it. Stay at home and play don't join the army do you think i think your life would have been a lot different had you joined the army straight instead of going into argos imagine you after two years in the army would i completely break or would i come out of it like hard like uh no come out of it hard, but drinking a lot as well. Yeah, absolutely tearing apart a military barracks town to pieces on a weekend. Yeah, yeah. Anything to drown out the screams in your head.

I'm just a cook. I'm just chopping carrots, do you know what I mean? But I can't handle that, like the hours. I'm cooking a boat. like the hours. Have we talked about aliens on this podcast before? No, not properly. I'm as well. I live in dark skies. Not technically.

Like I'm quite close to an A road, just close enough where I don't technically live in dark skies. But for all intents and purposes, I do live in dark skies because I for all intents and purposes, I do live in dark skies because I look up and I can see the stars, or to be more precise, I can see millions and millions of bats in front of the stars, which is quite unnerving. I do like bats.

They move like nothing you've ever seen before. Like there must be order to it, but they move so erratically. Like ducking, weaving, going back for, I think they're hunting in the night. That's why they're out there hunting for bugs that I can't see. Their wings aren't like, you know, bird wings. They really look, it looks difficult for them

when they are flying. It is like, it's like you doing the front crawl. It's like, it's tough. Their wings look like testicle skin. Yeah. Don't they? Like they're made out of don't they like they're made out of ball skin like a creature made out of ball skin like rainy old ball skin yeah venial but like god has but god did the balls and he was like i can't get better than this and then he and then he just you know he was like i've got all this left over now what should i do made the bat actually i

have a mind this reminds me like i remember my dad i remember you know, he was like, I've got all this left over now. What should I do? Made the bat. Actually, this reminds me of like, I remember my dad. I remember, you know, like getting a glimpse of the horrors of aging. I remember being in like Debenhams with my dad and we were in like waiting for me, mum, to get changed or something. And we were looking at boxer shorts and my dad was looking at some briefs. You know, like the tight, I don't know what, like the tight ones, like boxers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said, well,

won't you look at these? You know, like, you know, like a Lucifer cotton boxer shirt thing. And he was like, nah, not when you get to my age. At my age,

you want to just, you know, want someone to keep everything all in one place. Really? Because I'm probably about your dad's age than I am now.

Yeah. Now? Yeah, you two get on, don't you? And I wear, I've recently moved from, you know, boxer briefs to fully breathable loose boxers. How much? Yeah, but, yeah. I mean, I think it's just your balls dripping down your leg

like a magnum on a hot day no no they're alright I think it does keep it together you know I just thought I thought at this age maybe just let them breathe for a bit

because they've had 10 years of like being tucked away and I thought do you know what give them a bit give them a bit of air time get them out get them out

and it's summer yes James do you want to say something James do you want to put in on this Get them out. Get them out. And it's summer. Yes, James, do you want to say something? James, do you want to cut in on this? Well, James, you did not tell anybody listening about how big and weird and old your balls are. This is the forum. This is our charity campaign for 2024. For the verbal concerns.

Big old weird balls campaign. We were talking about balls before you came online, actually. Yeah, I sent him a picture of a hamster with massive balls. You did. It was a little video, actually a video,

and it slowed down as the balls were just swinging about. But they were about the size of his legs. Like that, that kind of radius. I had a friend who had bought testicles like that and they didn't fit in jeans. Testicles the size of legs. I mean, sorry, if the leg is that big,

testicles about that big next to it. It doesn't help audio-wise, but look, this fucking hamster had massive balls and that's all I'm saying. Yeah, my friend's got big bollocks as well. And if there was ever... I think everyone's got one friend with absolutely'm saying. Yeah, my friend's got big bollocks as well. And if there was ever... I think everyone's got one friend with absolutely giant balls.

Yeah. Is it the same friend? Is it the same guy? Is it Dr. Tommy Porker? Yeah, he's just bouncing around the country on a space hopper and making everyone else feel a little bit better about their bodies.

What I did want to interject was maybe we should move on to some of the stuff that's actually on the document. So this week we have had at my son's school his summer fair. Here's just a little peek behind the curtain. At this point, I can hear my child crying from the other room unable to go to sleep so i think this is a safe point for me to go and just get them off to sleep i'll let these guys talk they're just talking about a summer fate what could possibly go wrong well have a listen chris basically tries to dox a child as some sort of petty revenge.

This is just an idea of what I have to deal with. Organised in part by my wife, Nicola, who is on the PTA, the Parent Teacher Association. So we had, it was like my son was just out of his mind excited to get to the summer fair, hanging out on a Saturday. You know, it was a barbecue, there was a bouncy castle. But the reason I bring it up, it's all pretty standard. Good fun, raising money for the community. Nice to see, you know, like the teachers are there,

they're overseeing it. I can see they don't want to be there, but they're putting in the hours. It's their weekend, they don't want to be here. But we had a good time the parents had a good time but the reason I mention it is that there was a tug of war

which was attended by my nemesis Pete obviously who's that? Pete he's a 17 year old boy

I think he's coming up on 18 Chris come on. Yeah, but basically we have a long-running feud for the past couple of years because basically when I first moved to the village on sports day, they have the, well, when I did it, it was the fathers race. But, you know, since then they've wised up

and it's the parents race. And I'm like yeah i mean fair enough be a bit more socially conscious but i'm gonna absolutely demolish these mums do you know but i did i won the first when i was here the first parents race sorry you say that again you won it i'm the 2021 winner of my son's primary school parents' day race. So we're doing a flat out sprint for 100 metres or what? I'd say we're not even looking at 100 metres. I think we're looking about 30.

30 metres, like a small sports field. And you and just the mums? No, I'll tell you what it was. The first year, there's basically, I'm like a cutoff in the age of the dads. Do you know? There's a lot of dads that are younger, but they like work. And they're sort of like nice lads, but I sort of think they're a bit like the glonks. Do you know what I mean?

They just say, hello, how are you doing? Like that. And they don't really, they're too cool. And you're happy to say that on this podcast. Yeah, come for me. They don't listen listen they don't even say hello to me so i don't think they'll be listening to my podcast but they're too cool to get involved and do running the race so they stand by the gates vaping talking about football so the ones in the race are me and what i call the geriatric dads. You know that all. Right, okay. You know, like the dad who's 50-year-old dad of it. And I'm like, do you know what I mean?

Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. He's a good lad. He's just had his hip done like last year. But when we were running in this race, it was like, I could just basically, they're slightly older, slightly older dads. And I came first.

And it gave me some minor celebrity in the village. Everyone knew my name. It was great. But then after this, riding high on my success, and I started running properly after that, riding high on my success, the year after there was a new participant, the villain. 17-year-old dad?

He ain't a dad. What? He doesn't have a child. Why is he in the race?, the villain. 17-year-old dad? He ain't a dad. What? He doesn't have a child. Why is he in the race? At the race. Exactly. This is what I said to the teachers. Yeah.

This is what I said to the other parents. I was like, he can't race in the parents. He hasn't got a child. Yeah. Teachers say it's just a bit of fun. Yeah, no, that's not on. It's not on. And he just, he just inched it.

And then this, and then the year after I worked, I basically, that's not on. It's not on. And he just, he just inched it. And then this, and then the year after I worked, I basically, I've started running. That's why. Because I wanted to beat the villain. So what happened this

year? Did you beat him? Well, I haven't had it this year, but basically I've lost out to him twice and I could just feel, I could feel myself giving up as

well because I just think a, like. Yeah. Time's on his side. He's only going to get faster for a game. Yeah. He's getting faster and faster. And I'm like by inches just getting slower and slower every race.

But this year we had a, like we had a tug of war and his team won two out of three and we won one. So the feud is back up again yeah do you know sorry he's in the he's in the tug of war as well this kid's just

I don't know what's he doing why is he hanging around at a school I don't know because he's like he's right yeah

he's not he's a good lad his brother's at the school so he's there with his family on the spot on the communal family sports day he's not just

lurking around the school. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, fine. But he's like, he's quite aggressive to me. And we got a few. And I used my position on the Village Magazine to write, I wrote like a stinging hit piece. I'm going to put it in the Patreon, but I wrote a stinging hit piece.

About the parents race? About the parents race. I was like like he's won but at what cost to sportsmanship do you know what I mean like it was right

really are you serious you actually did that yeah I did that this is like a couple of years ago now and it's been mumbling on since

and it got to the point where I was like I think someone in the village shouted at him and called him a cheater and I thought this has gone too far

Chris you've never mentioned this before. This is absurd. I don't think I've come across very well in AIDS. I don't think it's a good story.

No, you don't. I mean, you can't be using your power like that. That's what AIDS does. Yeah. Sways the election. Sways public opinion. Sways public opinion.

Finds a scapegoat and, you know, ruins their life. Oh, you're saying that's bad. Right. Yeah. Yeah. scapegoat and you know ruins their life oh you're saying that's bad right yeah have you ever have you ever done like sports day type stuff yeah at school yeah i don't have any

kids so i mean i guess when it sounds like i can just turn up yeah yeah it's just a free i could just go around all summer i wouldn't get anywhere near winning think of winning. Think of all the fit dads there are in London. Half of them don't work in a week anyway, or they work from home. They work from home, they can do what they want. And all they've got to do is gym and running. That's what I'm trying to do to my body. You getting jacked?

Yeah, I want to be able to put my fist through a 17-year-old boy's skull. No, we'll have to take that out. James, you missed a lot there. That is a callback, but I'm not sure it's one we want to endorse. When you listen back to this, James, you're going to be absolutely appalled.

You're going to absolutely be appalled. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you are going to have to bleep more stuff than you've ever bleeped in your entire life. So that was the school fight. Yeah. The villain turns out to be a 17-year-old boy. My nemesis.

My nemesis. That's his full real name. This one's his full real name. We've only said that, I think, about, I would say seven times. Well, this is what happens when you leave the recording for five minutes because your children are having a tough time getting to bed. Let's do a letter, yeah. Dear Sunil, Chris and producer James,

it's me, Pudding, the rural concerns goat. I can't thank you and your kind patreons enough for sponsoring me to go traveling around europe i'm a bit nervous i've never been abroad before truth be told i've never left the yorkshire dales because you see i am a goat no doubt i'll miss my farmyard friends felicity the meal jemima al and that nasty bastard rat will i need to buy a travel adapter what's the french for you can have a bang on that. How can a goat even hold an interrail ticket? There are so many questions.

I hope the people of Europe are kind. Thanks for reading. I hope Sunil is doing his fair share of social media promotion. I'll write to you when I reach my first destination, Paris. All the best, Pudding. Okay, so that's our goat. There you go, that's a goat that we agreed to sponsor.

Thank you for your letter, Pudding. You will need to buy a travel adapter. Don't know the French for can have a bang on that. You won't need an interrail ticket if you get the QR code for it sprayed on you. I think most people would be taken aback by enough by a goat that they'd just let it on. Is it? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so. A smoking goat with a travel adapter is that what you mean by you can have a bang on that pudding well we'll have to see what pudding says we'll have to see where pudding writes to us from their first destination on pudding's european tour paris and just a reminder that if you want to send in a rural concern then send it to Christopher

at lovelytime.co.uk and we'll read it and you don't have to be a goat you can be a person the only thing you can't be is a cop have we had any nice reviews Chris

or any reviews yes we have we've got some lovely reviews so I just want to read people should review and shouldn't they they should give us

five stars and review it on the internet I don't think they should don't review us but if they want to do it if they want to go out of their way and I just want

to say it's really hard to do and it takes loads of time so don't do it but if you want to do it because it'll make us happy yeah you can leave us a five

star review on Apple or what's it called, Sonu? Spotify. Yeah. That's a good one. If you send us a review, we'll read it. As long as it's five stars, five stars or more. Any less than five stars, you can shove it over your ass. But this-

Four is fine as well. No, don't be giving him the window of- We won't read it out if you give us a four, yeah. No, we won't acknowledge you exist if it's a four. Give us a five, you can come round to us house, you can have a bath with Sunil. Okay, so this is... I'll just read one of them that we've had.

Title, surely the premise of a Hallmark movie in which Tweedy Straw Chewing Yokel Chris gradually seduces starched macbook wielding sun hill to become a partner in ye olde homespun illegal dog breeding business what obstacles could stand in their way will desperation for fiber broadband cause chris to flirt with the corporate greed of the not quite all night garage will dark skies bewilder and afear the oh-so-rational sunhill? Can the twinkly matchmaker producer, James, steer these wayward friends into finally making something beautiful together?

Follow and find out. A really daft podcast. Whoever that is should be writing our choose your own adventures for us. Yeah. I mean, we spent a lot of money on the goat, but we need to,

but you know, you've got to spend money to make money. You got the goat, you got the choose your own adventure full-time employee. This is... How much is the goat

costing us? It's £50 a month. And for that, it gets... Round Europe, doesn't it? Round Europe, pens and paper yeah if buddhi ever wants vapes basically it's like do you know i can blade too where there's secret clubs for the vampires and stuff with a uv signifier yeah buddhi's got a map to

the secret vape shops of europe like a a UV marker that he could see with his, you know, like gut eyes that are on the side rather than round. Yeah. He can still see straightforward. It's not. Yeah. But he can see.

Well, he's not like, but maybe he can see in a different, he can see in a different gamut of color. Do you know what I mean? So he can see. Sunil, have you ever looked at a goat's eyes?

Have you ever really looked in a goat's eyes have you ever really looked in a goat's eyes not deep not deep into them why why are they like

you know they've got square they've got square irises you what they've got square irises why

I don't know but it looks weird like so they do see stuff like a telly I don't I don't know

actually if they see stuff like a telly but it's yeah it's widescreen imagine seeing stuff like a telly 16. it's, yeah, it's widescreen. Imagine seeing stuff like a telly,

16, nine. Yeah. Far three. Do you know what I mean? Four threes. Yeah. Four three.

Yeah. Old school episodes of the bell. Thank you for listening to Rural Concerns. We hope that you have learned lots and lots and lots. You do the next bit. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead and our music is by Sam O'Leary. Royal Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for Lovely Time Productions. Thank you. Thank you.

Support us on Patreon. You'll get a bonus episode every two weeks, plus access to The Creamery, our super cool Discord hangout, which I still don't know how to gain access to. Yes. Creamery, our super cool Discord hangout, which I still don't know how to gain access to. Yes, and thank you, because this podcast can only continue with your support. So just by listening, you're already doing us a solid. But for the price of half a fart, fart two hoppy London pint of ale, booed by Robert Plant's useless son.

The fuck are you on about? Where's this? He's useless. The fuck are you on about? Where's this? Who's right? Then you will help cover that money cost. Some of it's not written down, James. Some of it's... It is. It's all written down. Read it.

You just feel it like jazz. Come on, James. Show Patreon plug too as well. I'm going to try and be relaxed but i don't want a listener to know that i'm not totally relaxed yeah yeah but you are eating on the mic just to get a full just this is a new emergency microphone setup just so that they can hear i've got a bit of an emergency i have two unread emails in my inbox but i can't't find them. And I've got 2,733 emails. And I can't close my email unless it's a multiple of three unread emails. Do you want me to send you an email?

Just send me one email and then we can crack on with the record. Okay. Thank you.