Rural Concerns - The £34 haircut, lambing season & basement secrets

Episode Date: May 14, 2024

Sunil, Chris and Producer James chat about expensive haircuts, male toxicity and Magic the Gathering. In what can only be described as an incredibly high end piece of devised theatre, Sunil joins Farmer Buggerton down at the farmers market, but will London’s fanciest boy do what needs to be done?  Wanna tell us your Rural Concern? Email it to [e-mail]. You can also now support Rural Concerns on Patreon! For more check out https://patreon.com/RuralConcerns. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead. Our music is by Sam O’Leary [www.samoleary.com]. Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Welcome to Rural Concerns, the podcast where Chris Cantrell is flabbergasted at London prices. £34 for a haircut. Then we go straight into it, don't we? And I look the same. Should we do that? Yeah. I think we just did. See, we'll keep the cameras on

to see how long this works. See if the internet craps out on it. That's a good strategy. We've got the notes and you've marked off what we talked about on the notes pretty much, good strategy. We've got the notes and you've marked off what we talked about on the notes pretty much haven't you? What's the shortcut for strike

through? I don't know. I just underlined everything. You just underlined it. The shortcut for strike through is two different keys. It's like it's too much for a human brain to keep. Do you know what I mean? Cool. Where's this document then? Are you getting the chats on this? What do you mean? I mean cool where's this document then are you getting the chats

on this what do you mean oh no I forget to look oh yeah yeah I've moved it so it's sort of off my screen

oh hello there he is yeah yeah got it yeah boys will be boys you know right

all right let's close that chat. Yeah, delete that. Delete that chat. Yeah, delete that. What you just put in the chat, delete that. We can't have that getting out. So, Chris, I think you should kick this off with an update on what's it called?

The Doggy Bordello? Dog Piss Paradise? What's this? The 34-quid haircut business? 34-quid? This isn't... I'll come back to the house. Yeah, okay, go on.

You do what you need to. I had to go down to London this week for an audition. And I was having photos. I've had a very busy week, very hectic week. I was having photos taken the following day in Newcastle. So I got my haircut in London and I was rushing between, I was torn hither and tither getting from this place to that place. So I just jumped in the first barbers that I saw

and I spent £34 on a haircut, which is, that's mad, isn't it? That's a crazy, that's an unfathomable amount of money for a haircut. What do you think? What do you, yeah. Well, I mean, where was it? Nate Houston way, Goode Street type vibe i mean 34 quid it depends if you trust the barber and it's a good barber 34 quid is a bargain but if you're just randomly popping in somewhere to get a quick trim probably not worth it the only difference i'd say between this and my 12 pound haircut that i have

um on hadrian's wall is that the girl really used the swivel of the chair. Do you know what I mean? She really had me at angles. Rather than moving my head, the entire chair was fully utilised. And it was turned to such an angle where I was

just staring at the guy next to me who was having his hair cut done and it was like uncomfortable because they were talking, they were having a chat, and I'm just like a third person in there. The guy was having his haircut and his hairdresser talking about his life and they must have done it. He must be regular. And I'm just turned.

You know my haircut situation, don't you? No. At a 90 degree angle my internet's gone oh fucking hell cameras off is it cameras off please chris we did well no we did well my my barber um is well you know know I don't know if I've told you I'm sure I've told you but I actually travel about an hour and a half

to get my haircut it's near Gatwick because my barber moved down there but he's very very good and it's like 25 quid yeah but

I think that's worth it I think that's quite cheap for a London haircut yeah it was just a bit of a shock to the system. I think mine was 20 quid around here. But is that including beard, James? No.

And I don't get tea or anything. Did you get offered a beer? Me? No. Or Chris? I got offered a coffee and I was too scared to take it in case they added to the £34. Do you know what I mean? So I was just like, I'm fine.

Because I wasn't sure. No, £34 is a bit much, mean so I was just like I'll be fine because I wasn't sure no £34 is a bit much especially for what you've got there excuse me so I actually get on quite well

with the lads down there I think they're good lads and I actually quite it's a fun sort of toxic safe space where boys can be boys you know

right it's like Desmond's is that a reference anyone gets anymore if you are if you were born because there isn't there isn't that kind of there isn't that kind of space anymore if you were listening to this podcast and you were born after the two towers come down get on your computer get your laptop out and run desmond's food a search bar you are in for a treat and let me tell you pork pie um we don't we don't have like lads can't just pop in somewhere and have a chat with other lads except for it used to be the barbers for like that community but we don't really have that you certainly don't have that

where you are chris you don't have a drop-in safe space for the boys presumably it'd be like the i just don't do it but maybe this is what I do. You do need this podcast. And it's restorative. Although we are carefully minding every single word that we say in front of it past a lawyer. Yeah, we edited out the 10 minutes of James banging on about woke mind virus. So I've got updates. So I've had my £35 haircut.

Bang. That's why I'm looking fresh. Shame we've had to turn the cameras off because of your internet connection. I had it done just for this. No, I had it done for, I've had some updated photos done because a comedy promoter got in touch because you know

like you send high-res images of your head don't you a lot and that's like I think that's like 80% of the job sending like a high-res image of yourself and some blurb but I think a promoter got in touch to be like do you have anything more up to date because I think if we put these images up it might you know we might get done under trade descriptions. So I've had to get some new images done and I've been thinking about it. Obviously I turned 40 in January. I don't think I dealt with it very well at all. Not a breakdown or like that,

but not a breakdown. But what happened? Did you buy some magic in the gathering cards or something? I bought loads of magic the Gathering cards. I was having a tough time. I'm now sitting on like... And you're telling us you didn't have a breakdown. I'm now sitting on like 50 quids worth of Magic the Gathering cards

and I only played it once. I only played it once with my friend, Leigh, and now money's tight with a house move and I can just see my wife, she moved a box of them and she looks upset. But I was thinking like, I don't think I'm vain at all, but it's like I said to my wife, I was like, so much in this job is me looking at my own head

and people say that age is just a number and it is, but it's a number that directly correlates to cellular decay. And as like an entertainer, every 18 to 24 months, I need to get new photos done in some guise. So I'm just tracking like my age. I said to my wife, I said, most people get photos done, professional ones, stop at school, don't they? If they're really good, you might end up having some photos taken, you know, when you're like knocking about 50 or something like that,

but that's because it's going on the company about page, isn't it? And then it's like all you need to do in those photos is show that you are a competent chief technology officer. Do you know what I mean? Whereas I'm like, we're trying to sell you are come and say me you are gonna have a good time it's a lot of pressure well at all weddings don't forget good point that's the only other time isn't it yeah that's true very best no one ever takes photos of you when you're like feeling like shit mugshot i got married uh six days after the edinburgh

fringe where i'd been absolutely caning full English breakfasts for 27 days. Was that when you did the burp that smelled like a fart? The burp that smelled like a fart. The legend. Well, your wife looked stunning, can I say, that day. Yeah.

She looks amazing. She's an angel. You look good. I've got photos of us in our living room of us on your wedding day, actually. Have you? Yeah. Not you and your wife.

I mean, me and you. Oh, that's great. I didn't know that didn't know because i look great in that photo right okay i might put a sticker over my face with an arrow pointing to look at you just in case anyone's focus isn't i think it was late during the reception and you've got your jacket off and your tie around your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like singing, put that Superman black grape on or whatever it is. Actually, I had photos. Someone just found photos of me for a promotional, for a gig. And they found photos of me without the beard. Which I feel is a very important part of my identity.

And they've got photos of me from when I did the BBC New Comedy final. Yeah, and that's what I was going to say because we've used him. So they're literally, what, 10 years old now? At least 10 years old. And I remember like seeing those photos and thinking, I have to grow a beard. And they're out there still as the only evidence of me before beard. But they look very strange out there.

And obviously everyone's like, who the fuck is this guy? You know, you don't recognize that face. yeah that is that you yeah is that really you have you just found them yeah i actually gasped out loud we would have met yeah i didn't know you then yeah yeah so they're still there and i i was gonna shave my beard off um a couple of months ago uh to record some stand-up because i thought it'd be funny doing one record with a beard and one without and then splicing it together but i was told not to uh in very strong terms by um by my agent uh because of it would affect work going forward which is a real damning what because with the distinctive look because the look of the beard

is the is the what is that why are you getting booked for stuff I mean it's like I think any it's like worrying

about any changes to your face affecting anything it's like the consistency of it like you just need to look exactly like the same person

like we want that guy who who was in those disgraced adverts for Nat West I have had like casting agents saying is he prepared to shave it off and i've been like yeah of course but you know it takes you know months to grow back so you just need to do it for the right money don't you with

something like that i do it for nothing but then what happened was before the before the stand-up recording i went to get my beard trimmed and of course i can't wear i went to the place i don't normally go and I don't, I don't have my glasses on, so I can't see what they're doing. And she chopped it so tight against my face. You could make out the shape of my head, which is unacceptable.

I think you shouldn't be able to see the shape of my head anymore because it is like a, like a tennis ball or something like that. It's very round. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's been said gravitas i have um it makes me look like a silly little 40 year old boy and i didn't like it having close cropped

hair on that tennis ball would add to the tennis balling effect wouldn't it exactly someone's lightly shaved that tennis ball i see yeah don't get tramlines I'll try and get a I'll just do a screenshot and send it to you guys in the next few minutes while we're talking but yeah

I might yeah my general haircut note is like take it in to the bone do you know what I mean basically trying to crop out grey hairs

um but I think if you've got grey hairs you should be quite proud of them really a life well lived you know no

well it's that sort of thing where it's like I don't know like I was totally fine with a little streak but now it's just do you know what I mean

like a little distinctive streak and then all of a sudden it's like just it's just going to be most of my hair and you're like oh no it's just

old man hair now so alright I've sent you a photo okay of my hair and he's like oh no it's just old man hair now um so alright then I've sent you a photo okay your new whatsapp and that's too close to the face

yeah it's somewhat soft there isn't it it's made your face look smaller yeah I've got a small head it's just the beard that makes the bulk of it

yeah but you'd think if you had less hair your face would look bigger comparatively no because the hair made me look like i had a big face underneath look at this you got a small head me and james quite big heads so that's another reason why this works i don't think you've got a big head chris i can't wear hats really maybe it's shape of it maybe it's like a long back to front

head like a xenomorph yeah i've got a xenomorph head because i did this photo shoot for my new show and it's like it involved me wearing a crown and i got a circular crown and it just did not fit on my head do you know what i mean like it was i had to like poke it off a corner because it's too child's crown like a child's crown because it's too no no it poke it off a corner because it's too like a child's crown like a child's crown because it's too no no it wasn't a child's crown it was too

my head's too long and I can't wear hats why did you have to wear a crown did you beat the gun or something well it's for my Edinburgh show

and I'm trying to be quite nuanced with this one but I was like yeah I could wear a crown maybe nice yeah I'm wearing

a crown and a cape I'd like to see that yeah well buy a ticket mate tell you cape I'd like to see that yeah well buy a ticket mate tell you what I played yesterday Baldur's Gate 3 is that the

is that the one that's like actually playing Dungeons and Dragons or something it's a bit like I didn't realise that I lasted five minutes

and I was out I don't get it at all I think it's like my friend is a voice in that he played he was he's like

a famous character out of it basically um there's a guy that can change into a bear and it's possible through making decisions for you to have sex with that bear and he voiced the bear and it's become on the internet like you know like a massive fan a massive fan like um what am i trying to say like people doing fan art people doing fan fiction and he's a bit like i think he's from like bolton or something like that he's just like absolutely blown away by becoming an international sex symbol it's very funny he did offer me the option when i loaded it up of how much nudity i wanted to see and where did you sit on that scale

sonil uh full full frontal frontal and then clicked another button you're right if you're now? Full. Full frontal. Fonter. Full frontal. And then click another button on your eye. If you're not going to give me the full frontal thing, we'll just

delete the entire game. Or 200 gigabytes of it. Out. Get out. Yeah. Can I talk to you

about my house? Yeah. James? Yes, please. Yeah, go. Another seamless link from Chris Cantrell you put a sting in there

weren't you yeah we put a sting in there now bang bang bang sting sting sting you know what I mean add roll

add roll in just be like has it ended what's happening my house I've got a lot of information to relay

because it's been a while since we recorded the tales of my Victorian home renovation

before it's been out in the world but now the podcast is out and it's throwing up a lot of interesting conversations my way. I'm finding out things about my house from a few hundred people listening to this podcast and a hundred odd or so days are living in my actual village.

So I've suddenly realized I need to be careful about what I put out in the world. But basically I'm finding out things about the history of my house and who's been in the house and what things have gone up to. Some of it's really interesting. I found out that a previous tenant used to have a medium round for supernatural things things which is brilliant what do they find? I don't know like a party you know like you get a medium

round to commune with the spirit world in my house and I started you've got a portal in your house I've got a portal I hope they've closed it because I need somewhere to put my dining table don't go into the light Cantrell don't go into the light

my son's watching TV and it's like, they're here. Do you know what I mean? Did you get any further on the broomstick? Because you found a broomstick above your doorway, right? But what I've heard is, I think one of the tenants, pretty much the previous tenant, uh a white witch i've heard yeah but we never what is that a good one a good one like uh healing energies stuff like that so to me that would join the dots between the between the like the wicked energy and the broomstick

you know i think doesn't explain the dogs but it doesn't it doesn't explain the hundreds of dogs can you get involved with um like wizarding and druiding or what i would like to dabble in druiding but i think it's like when i wanted to play magic the gathering it's like i'm so into it as an idea but the practice the the money and the time early starts in it you've got to get off a sunrise and that yeah Yeah. Playing D&D, do you know what I mean? It's like, I can't create a character.

D&D and druiding are different things. Yeah, neither of those D's are druid. But either way, it's just like, it's a time sink, isn't it? Being a full-time druid.

But that might be the safe space for male-only chat that you might get out there, druiding. I think of you and all the boys just out there, just druiding in the morning. And they're like, throw me a beer. Throw us a stick at me. Stick turns into a snake. Do you know what I mean?

That's like, we're laughing. We're laughing already. Next thing you know, you're sacrificing virgins and you just wanted to go out for a chat, didn't you? Well, you don't have to come up. We're not going to sacrifice you. I was so excited, so giddy to get that out. It didn't really make any sense.

This is what it's all about. This is the kind of chat you'll be having with the druids. You'll be calling each other virgins, pretending to sacrifice each other. You're going to sacrifice me then? Pass me another hobgoblin. You know what I mean? Like the real ale.

Right. So we've got that going on. I've had a plasterer come in in terms of renovations. Oh my days. A plasterer is pretty much, you know, more talented than a surgeon.

Just like... Yeah. Okay. Go on. As soon as you put in a plasterer on, plasterers pretty much you know more talented than a surgeon just like yeah okay go on as soon as you're putting the plaster on like because I've been calling what will be our bedroom the Sarajevo suite because it's basically like

crumbling plaster with giant holes in it that look like bullet holes and then like a really a really shonky glass chandelier on an angle um yeah so we've been sort of joking but now the plasterer comes in and suddenly it just looks like it could

be a home and not a victorian building site do you know what i mean so it's just it's an exciting part of the process i've also had a lot of how it's going to be done? 2029 to 2040, within that window. Yeah. That's nice. There's something to get on with, isn't it? Oh, I've got something else to tell you. So I've basically opened up. We have a basement that's been converted.

It's not even great, Nick, but there's just a boiler down there. It's like a tiled floor. It's got like candlelight type. sounds weird doesn't it but it's got like it's got a dungeon-esque quality to it in this basement we're not using it there was a bit of a leak when we first moved in which is sort of dried up now so we basically let our son and his couple of mates turn it into like a gentleman's club style den. And they just like move stuff around, you know, like they're working on like they've got deck chairs in there.

They watch videos on one of them's Nintendo Switch and stuff like this. So like it's really nice. But they found a secret compartment. In the wall? In the wall behind a pillar. Yeah. And there's like behind a bit of wall there's like a deadbolt that you pull out and then it swung open absolutely fuck that not having anything to do with that what was in there a safe what the safe like if it had been locked this podcast

would have just pivoted 100% into being a what's in the safe. What's in the murder safe. But it was open, inside it, photograph of a dog. Fuck off, Chris. Yeah, I've got it on my desk.

It's like really faded. It's really faded and like it's not in good state but I've kept it I'll take a picture of it and how old is it

I don't know I can't gauge it we might need to hire a forensic photograph person but there's that but basically is that like the dog

that they all came from is that like the the queen the queen but I rang my friend Lee. I was like breathless because all the boys were down in the cellar and they were like, like word got back to me. My wife was like, oh, they found a secret compartment.

I couldn't have got down there any quicker. Do you know what I mean? Like I went down, I nearly took the door of its hinges getting in. I'm like, show me the secret compartment. And then we showed it. And then I rang my friend Lee, who shares my spirit for adventure and weird stuff that people do in the privacy of their own homes. And I rang him, and I think he was in like a board meeting

or something like that. Do you know? He's like a head of PR for a finance company. And I got him out of a meeting. I'm like, Lee, Lee, there's a secret compartment. There's a secret compartment in my house. He went, I've got to go. But he says, all I'll say is, if there's one secret thing,

there's probably going to be more secret things. Bye. So now there's a quest to find more secret things. Good point, Lee. I mean, a safe with a picture of a dog in it. That's it. It's very on brand for your house. It is very on brand, yeah.

Just to catch people up if they haven't listened to the other episodes, basically Chris's house was formerly a dog breeding place. It's probably the nicest way you can say it. Brackets unregulated. Yeah. Also,

is Neighbours listen to this? Yes. So apparently, and so I've found out the Neighbours, everyone knows about my house and the history of the house. So within the community, and I've started filling me in on gaps in its history, which are really interesting.

I know it's bought. I got it at a good price and eventually it will be a nice home as soon as we get it exercised. What else can I tell you? I don't want to give away too much, but basically like, so then I've been talking to, I've started on a Sunday,

started going to a pub with some people that Nicola started talking to and I'm like coming out with them. And we're basically like a group of the cool young ones in the village. We're all north of 40. Do you know what I mean? But in this village, we're like pretty much teary-eyed teens.

But we've started going to this pub. We'll have this drink on a Sunday in the local pub, two pints of Guinness with the kids and then we all go. But Nicola's now getting she come back and she's like um yeah they um i think they're getting to know me in the pub now and they know what my order is and then i sort of did a bit of detective work and i said are you

on about last sunday she said yeah and i went Patrick's Day, yeah? When she was wearing a bright green blouse and, crucially, a two-foot-tall promotional Guinness hat. I was like, how did he piece this together? Is St. Patrick's Day a big deal in the village, is it? Well, no, but inexplicably there's two Northern Irish ladies in the village. So it's like Little Ireland, Little Belfast is pumping. Oh, lambing season. Yeah, Chris, on your notes here,

you've got something called lambing season brackets immersive theatre. Well, I just wanted to try a bit of an exercise because it's lambing season here immersive theatre well well i just want to try a bit of an exercise because it's lambing season here in a minute so all the fields are full of little baby lambs have just been born and they're just growing up so i thought we could talk about what that is you know like the um industry of farming because i've got a friend who's added to friend report, Farmer Michael. And he calls me Steve, which is my brother-in-law's name. But it's like, we're three years into it now. Another friend.

Yeah. It was your second best friend. We're three years into it now another friend yeah it was your second best friend we're three years into it now he's like a very very sort of Cumbrian North

Umbrian man oh god I really I have been picked up on like not knowing where the boundary is and stuff do you know what I mean but

he's one of these lot you know but he's he's been telling me about his lambing and stuff you know like getting getting lambs ready for market and so you sell them at a price and when you need to sell them you know it's like you you have to you have to pick when you sell them because like i don't

know like the price of oil it goes up and down you know yeah but lambs only stay lambs for a bit don't they yeah but there's basically a big rush to sell them all. I don't know, like June or something like that. So before that, it's like if you're getting a bit earlier, you'll tend to get a good price then. Whereas if you wait until the rush of people trying to sell them, then you might not get it. And I think you get paid like a price per lamb type thing. Yeah.

How much is a lamb? Do you know, I should have eaten just a little. 20 quid? Can you get hold of cheap lambs? I don't know if it's cheap. I think you can.

And a refrigerated van. And I don't think this podcast should fund that. No, but you can get a chest freezer and put a lamb in it, can't you? But is it alive? No, but you can get a chest freezer and put a lamb in it, can't you?

But is it alive? No, not alive. I mean, after... You have to take it to the slaughterhouse yourself. Yeah, you're not doing it yourself in your living room. I thought you were like, do you want a lamb? And I could send Helen a lamb.

A baby lamb. We're not going to fit a lamb in this house, are we? I'll just send you one of those. You know, like those people that buy little pot-bellied micro pigs and then it just turns out to be... Massive. fit a lamb in this house are we i'll just send you one of those you know like uh you know like those people that buy little pot-bellied micro pigs and then it just turns out to be massive a massive squealing sow knocking around your knocking around your south london 55 inch telly yeah not having it screaming yeah yeah that's funny um so in this scenario Sunil okay you are

we're going down to the farmer's market and it's it's you've got a lamb to sell so I've gone to the farmer's market

with one lamb with one lamb to sell maybe you've got more lambs do you know what I mean I'm going to leave some of this to you to make up is this a GCSE question

or something yeah so then this is this is devised theatre oh right then this is this is devised theatre this is devised theatre and I'm devising it as we speak

as is my skill set I've not had any formal improv training which I think is going to become

immediately obvious so like this is like so James now in terms of the sound design we'll have a bit of a break here

and then we'll have like a like a like so James now in terms of the sound design we'll have a bit of a break here and then we'll have like like lamb like a you know tweet tweet tweet like sort of that's not lamb what the fuck the sounds of summer

is what I mean you know tweet tweet tweet so hang on sorry am I am I the farmer or the lamb

you're the farmer with a lamb and I am I'm the I'm the sort of like market stall trader who's at the lambing fair so you're coming come on down to the lambing fair james put some country music there yeah we got it now yeah right lovejoyjoy. Right, Lovejoy. Put Lovejoy. Put Lovejoy music on. Put the Lovejoy music on. Put Lovejoy music running through.

So you can be yourself or you can be just another character. Okay. Hello there. Come on, Dad. You're coming into the farmer's market, are you? Yeah, that's right. I've got a lamb to sell. You've got a lamb to sell. Well, can I take a look at your you? Yeah, that's right. I've got a lamb to sell. You've got a lamb to sell?

Well, can I take a look at your lamb? Yeah, here it is. Look at it. It's got too many of them. What's that? It's got too many what? It's got too many what other those are. Right, what are they?

What do you mean, where? It's got too many teats. It's got too many teats, has it? Right. Well, you can just cut them off, can't you? Make mama's teat pie. Is there an end goal to this improv exercise? Sorry, Chris.

I think it's better. Just to step out a second, what are we trying to achieve here as the characters? I think what I should be is that you're trying to buy a lamb off me as yourself. So it's an immersive experience where you come into the lambing market and you're looking for a lamb, and I am the lamb farmer. Yeah? He's got a lamb.

I know, I've changed my mind on that. It wasn't working. You can't fucking change your mind in the middle of a theatre. Don't put any of this in, James. We're going back to the fundamentals of the devised improvisation. This is definitely all going in. You got the fundamentals wrong in the first place.

Yeah, but we're going to fix that now. The people listening to this have time. Could I offer some notes on your accent, Chris? Yeah, go we're going to fix that now. The people listening to this have time. Could I offer some notes on your accent, Chris? Yeah, go on then. Is the person in question, where are they from? They're from the countryside. Probably from up this way.

They're from the countryside, ain't they? That's it. That's it. I've got it. I've got it. Let's go into it. They're from the West Country, it seems. The West of which country?

Sorry, what am I doing here? I'm trying to... You're trying to buy... Are you trying to buy a lamb? You're Sunil Patel. And you come in and you want to buy a lamb. A lamb from you, okay? At the farmer's market.

So, James, take two. Do you love dry music? No. Yeah, go on, Chris, go on. Right. Hello? Oh, hello. I didn't realise you were talking to me.

Yes, I'm talking to you. I was wondering if I could purchase a lamb, please. You would like to purchase the... Would you like to purchase a lamb? Yeah, I said I you like to purchase the lamb? Yeah, I said I'd like to purchase the lamb, please. What sort of breed would you like it to be? Well, what's that one over there? Tweet, tweet.

That's a West Humberside. Tweet, tweet, tweet. Yeah. Okay, great. I'll have that one, please. Fetchhagger. That's a West Humberside Fetchhagger. Yeah, I'll have the West Humberside Fetchhagger.

How much is it? It's 100 guineas. And how much is that in pounds sterling? Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. As long as it's got a picture with the Queen on it, it's 89 pounds, seven bob. on it It's £89 £7 Bob That seems a bit steep for a lamb I'll give you £30

But if you grow it up you can have yourself Several meals No I'll just buy The lamb as it is for £30 How about that Get down Before you make your decision Get down on your knees

and just inspect the goods. Go on, get your hands in there. Don't worry about your city by loafers. Get in the mud. Tweet, tweet, tweet. All right, there we are. Just having a look at this lamb. Looks great.

30 quid, all right? Oh, they teach you how to inspect a lamb in the city, do they? Get yourself, get under the under, feel that. Well, I'm just taking a punt because 30 quid is only 30. Put one of them in your mouth. Put one of what in my mouth? The teats. He's talking about the teats again.

Why does it always come back to the teats? That's what I want to know. Just have a go on. Just have a go on the teats though that's what i want to know just have a go on just have a go on the tea so you so this the entire point of this improvisation is to get me to talk about sucking a lamb's teats chris if you'd like to step out of the improv briefly quick word with you just outside of the improv, please, Chris, if you'd like to step out. £10.30.

Deal. Scene. Scene. Scene. I'm out. On me again. I worry that it was you all the way through, though. We don't know.

The thing is, with this, we don't know when the improv's going to take us, and all routes are valid. The problem is there's no one. If you took it to a place where you are banging on a lamp. Right, Chris. The problem with these improv situations is there's no safe word. I can't get out of them.

You won't let me out. Okay. That was good. Yeah. I enjoyed that. a great deal stay tuned for the next episode of whatever the fuck accent that was what's that farmer called chris let's call him let's call him farmer buggerton okay farmer buggerton will return i imagine in future episodes we have to be led by the audience we have to be led by the audience next episode i'll be

sucking off a cucumber or something Oh, that's Jamie. Lovely. I think, Chris, if we've got a little space for a little letter and then we should wrap this up. Snip this out and I'll intro it because it's funny. So I would like to just quickly touch on one of the letters that we've received in my inbox. And basically when people are contacting us... What was that pause for?

Sorry. I think he was, in case we were going to stop you. No, Chris, stop. Stop recording now. When you wouldn't stop trying to get Sunil to suck imaginary teats, you thought we might have a problem with you reading one of the letters to the listeners. Okay.

We've had a letter. All right. I have had to change the name of the person that sent us this letter and the reason why is going to become quite obvious quite soon. So the code name that I've given this listener is Dr. Ganja. Okay. Okay.

Dear, dear sirs, love the new rural concerns podcast. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm not sure if this is the right place to share my rural concerns. I'll be honest.

I'm too lazy to really listen to the podcast to find your email address. So I thought I'd start here. I'm, I too moved to the countryside in a serious bit of lockdown action. Here are some of my rural concerns. One, everyone can smell my weed. In a small village, everyone can smell the herbal relaxation. I'm worried that the police around here have nothing better to do than to kick my front door in for my sweet ganja.

Two, I can't get ganja around here. Three, my local shop appears to only sell produce suitable for the oncoming nuclear apocalypse. I'm talking happy shopper tinned mushy peas, panda pops, lard, a solitary broccoli. I have considered moving back to London, but I think I can only afford to live in a bin, and not

a nice one. Thanks to you all for such a great podcast, and do let me know if you have any connections, Ari, rural ganja. Right, right. Okay, Chris, can you help? This is the listenership. You can't call yourself Dr. Ganja if you've got no ganja. No, chris can you help is the listening doctor you can't call yourself dr ganja if you've got no ganja no that's my i've given him the codename dr ganja

oh i see right right right right just to protect his identity it's not his name this guy just messaged me with his full name do you know what i mean like no and i was like and i was like shall i change your name and he was like oh yeah do you know like that like it didn't this is this is the this is the brains that we've got

listening to this podcast well thank you thank you for getting in touch with I don't know why why he's asking you yeah I don't you're the least like I would never come to you

to ask to get drugs I think that's fair but you know you can get so first off you can get, so first off, you can get like this area, it sounds like intermittently houses are used for,

you know, like if you're going to have, you know, I think it's the plot of Guy Ritchie's The Gentleman, but there's lots of open space around here to grow marijuana and stuff, you know, and get up to no good. If you're out there, you should be growing your own.

You've got the space. You've got the solitude, yeah. No prying eyes. So, Dr. Go. You can buy these things from America, which are like, they look like little fridges, but you just grow your own ganja in it. It does it all for you. There's a camera inside to show you how it's growing.

So, there's one tip Dr. Kanja I like the idea that Dr. Kanja lives in a similar size village to me and there's just just one house

you know with like a purple light blaring out of it Bob Marley flagging his eye they're coming for me they're coming for me

point number three that his local shop only appears to sell produce for the apocalypse. Is that related to, oh, does that mean he can't like go out and get like stuff when he's hungry after smoking so much ganj? After he's smoking so much ganj.

The thing is as well, it's, he must be in quite the Lardy Dar village because he's got, he's got a local shop like that. You know, if it's a standalone shop, I've got a cafe that doubles as a shop so it's like he must be living in the metropolis compared to me yeah how do you do your shopping well if i drive 15 minutes i could get to a little co-op and the

prices in little co-op are insane so we're trying to like do a strategic online order or go to a supermarket in a more structured way. But also I have attention issues, which means that I will often forget things and then you have to zip out to the, do you know what I mean? It's a nightmare. So supermarkets do deliver to you quite easily. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're just off an A road. We're quite fat. We're off an A road, so it's easy enough for people to like just come and deliver it's just

organisation really what if you've smoked too much ganja and you're eating some biscuits what do you do Chris when you've just ganjed yourself too much

and I've got absolutely deranged on ganj well but so Dr Ganja don't worry at all. If the police come round, threaten them with... Tell them you'll move back to London if they stop you. Yeah, an absolute deficit of the... Do you know what I mean?

The local economy. That'll collapse the business. The money you're spending on biscuits will be taken out of the local economy and they'll have done themselves a disservice. And a little shop is suddenly like, I'm not shifting anywhere near as much of these grab bags of red hot Monster Muncher.

His panda pops have been here for months since he left. Like, you can't see Dr. Ganja, but I'm saluting. If you saw... Look, what I would do if I was him, you're going to have to go, you're going to have to stock up. So you're going to have to get a cash and carry account, get some of those cardboard boxes with the punch hole in the front full of Monster Munch, and then get a load of Ganger in,

obviously in big bags, hide them somewhere so they don't smell too much, and just plan ahead, I think, if you're going to be, you know, smoking that Cheeb. Could you pop it in the box with the pickled onion monster munch and hope that the pickled

onion smell would yeah asking it yeah very sensible if someone's in the house

and they don't know about all the spliffs you're taking down they might have a monster munch and come

out with a fistful of weed you don't want that no well that's I think we

should wrap it up on that sound sound advice I would just like to say if you are you can get in touch with us to share your rural concerns Well, I think we should wrap it up on that sound advice. I would just like to say, you can get in touch with us to share your rural concerns if you are a rural wreckhead like Dr. Ganja.

And all you need to do is drop us an email at christopher at alovelytime.co.uk or just message direct on Instagram if you are too stoned to listen. Instagram better. I think Instagram at you are too stunned to listen. Instagram better, I think. Instagram at Rural Concerns podcast. Yeah, if you're too stunned to go back and listen to the last 15 seconds of a podcast.

Yeah, yeah, we bamboozled you there, didn't we? Rural Concerns was produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time. The artwork is by Poppy Hilstead and the music by Sam O'Leary. That was a lot less stressful than when I do it. And they made it, they cut it in such a way that my hair, they made a big mistake. Made it look like my hair's thinning a bit. That's mad that,

they're getting paid all that money and they're messing it up. Yeah, mine does that. You boys need to get on the pills or go to Turkey. the pills or go to turkey should we all go to turkey together what are you getting done are you just there for this to watch i'll be there to reapply the bandages on the aircraft on the way home