Sad Boyz - Horrible Dating App Messages

Episode Date: June 7, 2024

Sad Boyz respond to the terrible dating app messages you sent us. Jarvis bought *how many?* Magic The Gathering cards? And we loved opening mail from our audience! Check out our 50+ bonus eps on ��⁠⁠Patreon⁠⁠ [e-mail] P.O. Box ▸ 3108 Glendale Blvd Suite 540, Los Angeles CA 90039 ⁠Instagram DM⁠ ⁠Twitter DM⁠ ⏯️ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Watch us on ⁠⁠youtube⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⏯️ ✨follow us✨  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Twitter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  📺main channels📺  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Jarvis⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Jordan⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  ✨ Follow Jordan ✨  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Twitter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  ✨ Follow Jarvis ✨  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Twitter⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠  🎶outro music🎶 @prod.typhoon & @ysoblank 00:00:00 Jarvis's New Magic The Gathering Cards! 00:03:24 Foot 00:07:15 Mail Time! 00:15:40 Thrift Mode 00:28:19 Dating App Messages 01:19:54 Sad Boyz Nightz

Welcome to Sad Boys, a podcast about feelings and other things also. I'm Jarvis. You're good, right? And now I'm comfortable. Yeah, that was kind of a little shimmy. Yeah, I wanted to get a little comfortable. We're here today. I've been in the office.

Oh, Jordan, sorry. Yeah. Oh, my bad. Yeah, you got it, man. Did I miss the time? Jordan. It was lag. I started my morning in the office.

You've been the tidy bastard. I've been, okay. You may notice in the background, there's a bunch of Magic the Gathering cards. They're covering the entire office. Jacob, is any of that showing? Oh yeah. Yeah, some of that is being picked up.

There's a lot there. Because I think I, this happens with everything. It's like, I'll be like, oh, I'll finally play Boulder's Gate. And then the next episode I'm like, okay, I'm 200 hours deep. So this basically happened where I started going on Craigslist

and buying Magic cards because I was getting back into Magic and I was having fun and I was going down memory lane. But one of the things I used to do when I was a kid was that I would buy at my local comic book store. I could only afford like, I could get like a pack for like five, six dollars.

Or I could get like a box of bulk for like ten dollars. And it would be like 800 count of cards. And I could just like search through everything. And there wasn't really like a price associated with any cards back then. So that I like, it was easily accessible for me. So I would just like, just look at all these old arts of cards and things like that. And when I found out that all my cards were gone, I wanted to, I wanted to recreate that experience. And boy, have I, because the main thing, the reason that my, this office is covered in cards is because, uh, some guy on Facebook marketplace was selling 40,000 common and

uncommon magic cards. And, uh, he was selling them for one cent per card. Respect. And I was like, that's a pretty good deal it was like 400 bucks for hundreds of pounds of cards for a straight up fire hazard and i was like you know what i i think i can like make my money back i bet there's enough things in here that it becomes worth it and And there was. I was able to very quickly reclaim that value.

But then I'm still surrounded by tens of thousands of cards I still need to check. It's a little bit like a dragon's hoard, though. You know what I mean? It's like, what do they need the gold for? Well, to roll around it. Oh, yeah. That's exactly what it is. Because I don't sell cards.

So it's literally just so that I feel good about my purchase. Well, it's backup for when my lawsuits exist. Yeah, that's the other thing. Because I think one thing that's really fun is sifting through a thousand cards and then I find one that's worth $5 and I go, yes, I win! That happened when we were cleaning up we were cleaning

up this whole thing i was looking for yeah there's just you're gonna knock over a bunch of stacks of cards today i'm gonna try and be less fiddly than i normally hey it's okay because all the main stuff has been put away i did on purpose um remove some cards from under the table specifically jordan's feet go here i know always feel bad. I never want to invade the space, but it also feels a little bit like when the comforter is not on your feet and you kind of want to rig it. It's a shared space.

I'd say the main utility of this space is where Jordan puts his foot. I wonder how many hours my foot is rested on. I want to get like a, what if I take like a mold of your foot and then like put like a big piece of foam in there that has like a perfectly sleeved. I would never leave. Yeah.

So, um. Actually, straight up, just sorry. Speaking of old storage, the thing that's. Tell me. Of my collection of things that have kind of, you know, gone into the ether from my childhood, who knows where they are, is I have like a collection of 20 pairs of my childhood who knows where they are is i have like a collection of 20 pairs of my feet molds like full foot molds because when i first got a right getting inserts and stuff right right go i was getting big my feet were getting big real fast so we had to get new inserts like every year and so i just have these clay They feel like clay models of my feet. Stop smiling so much. Stop thinking about it that way.

But check out the Patreon. That actually, imagine if someone else made them. Like if it was like. My feet? Yeah. Like what's the feet website? Only feet or whatever. What's it called?

Feet Finder. What if on. Feet Finder? Yeah. Feet Finder. Yeah, that's real. That's real. feet website only feet or whatever what's it called feet finder what if on the finder yeah that's real that's real but what what if somebody sent you a dm and it's like i've analyzed or worse yet you find a post on the public internet that's like i've analyzed every angle of jordan's feet and i've created a 3d model of what i imagine his feet look like i love it now i feet is a big one wiki feet is another one. FeetFinder, WikiFeet.

There's too many of these. You made me just now Google celeb feet. Don't do that. We didn't make you do that at all. There is. What are you talking about? I don't know. On one of those websites, my feet are on there.

And it's like, in my mind, I've never exposed my feet to the internet. But if you're a foot guy or gal or non-binary pal, then every time you see a foot, you catalog that shit. You're operating at a level of meticulousness. Yeah. It's like from an old-ass video where I didn't even realize I was barefoot. And I'm like, y'all are freaks. I'm not going to kink shame. I'm going to do whatever that shaming is.

He's screen capping my feet. Too much into evidence. Yeah. Yeah. I'll say you're a cop. You're not. Yeah. I do have, there is, I am also on there.

You want to know where that fucking photo is from? It's one of your videos. It's the one at my old LA place. The first time you came down. Yeah. I fled and tumbled we were just back then we were just uh no we didn't know any better i just discovered something interesting oh yeah it seems like my feet are on here i mean based on the parameters of what

we have made you do from what we've said like so you're like, so I opened Pornhub. Have you guys seen this site? Who are these? Cornbub. So the interesting thing is that there's wikifeet.com. You write it? And then there's a whole separate site called men.wikifeet.com. Why are they separated?

Finally. It's our time. Let's abolish gender in wikifeet. Anastasia,? Um, finally it's our time. Let's abolish gender. And yeah, Anastasia, I feel like, but anyway, I went to the thrift shop a lot this,

uh, weekend and, um, Oh, real quick. Uh, I may be covered in magic cards, but if you would like to continue to shower me in your childhood magic

collections, you can send them to the sad boys PO box. Uh, the address is on screen i'm very serious send me your cards i will appreciate them forever um send me forever i mean they will literally just sit in my house or in a storage unit or i'm not going to sell them because i don't know how to do that send me like a drawing send me like a drawing and then sign it and then put your guess of my foot size draw a draw what you think jordan's foot looks like yeah uh speaking of mail though we do have

a few pieces of mail here that have come to our mail.wikiv no okay it's men.wikiv god you're so stupid and bad you like me right You know my name no Dude you're so I do for real I know it so much It's not even funny We've got a card here Two birds That's

Just a couple birds Howdy Jordvis Thank you both for being the best boys and starting my week off with a podcast. Keep being awesome. Kat. Thanks, Kat. Thanks, Kat. This one is, we've got like a Naruto.

Oh, no, I thought it was Naruto. Oh, that's the Jujutsu Kaisen guy. Oh, Jujutsu Kaisen. That's old. I thought it was Kakashi for a second. Yeah, similar. But it's like very small. It's Jimmy Jukatsu Kaisen. Oh, it's similar. But it's like very small. It's Jimmy Juketsu.

Oh, this one's for me. But there's some stickers. And there's no magic cards I've noticed. This says, I hate a centrist bitch. Pretty cool. Dear Mr. Johnson,

I found that this sticker sheet I made matches a color block trying my best. Oh. Sweater. It does. It color block. Try my best. Oh. Sweater. It does. It does match. Love your content.

Oh, they also love wearing that. Maybe some sizes are still available. I got to figure out what we're doing there with the available sizes and what's next. But stay tuned regarding Sad Boys news in the future. So thank you, Jasmine. You rock. What are those stickers saying saying they say things like well they say appreciate yourself hey congrats by the way they say good job they say congrats what else do they say you're doing great you woke up today that's kind of descending and

woke up today you've got this and then like the little uwu face. You've got mail. I'm proud of you. Keep going. Okay. I do that for 10 years. I believe in you. You did it. I don't think, you haven't really done anything though. Maybe it's about magic.

Like when you finish a set. Dude, when I freaking get these, when I get these things all boxed up again. You did it. Keep going. What have we got next? What's the return address? No. Okay.

Open. Oh, that's cute. Open carefully. Thank you. Let pig say you with two O's and an H. Oh, that's interesting. That's how pigs talk. They are smart, but they can't spell for shit.

Well, I guess the old brand. Sorry, but they got the on-brand cover and everything. Gee whiz. Oh, that's interesting. That's how pigs talk. They are smart, but they can't spell for shit. Well, I guess the old brand, sorry, but they got the unbrand cover and everything. Gee whiz. Oh yeah, shout out to all the kind words you've gotten about our new branding. We're excited about it. We are aware that on certain platforms, the banner does look like a slab of meat, and that's YouTube's fault, but we're working on it shout

out to andrea tomingas the designer of our new rebrand um check out her company duck brigade duck brigade i'm trying to maintain the envelope it's very great to work with lots of we we had lots of rounds of back and forths as we kept changing our minds and fiddling with things. So shout out to Andrea. What misregards? How about some Parmesan cheese? Hi, sad boys.

This was sent to you by Rachel. Thank you. Right. Hell yeah. You have achieved age ham. Everyone is excited for you. Your age ham enjoys being hydrated and is also your new best friend. Agehams love going to the store.

There's a little Yorkie that says Blair. And do not like pears. Do not forget to follow the instructions on your ageham's tent so that you can start your new and exciting ageham lifestyle. Thank you. What did we, did we get some sort of ham? Did it come on with something no right do i wait a minute there's something in there is that an age hold up it's an age

ham kind of looks like an eraser oh it's got a name that goes with it you have achieved i don't i'm still a little. To unlock the full potential of your age hams lifestyle, go to agehams.com and click join a hamily in the main menu. Okay, so I guess we're going to have to join a hamily. I guess I'm going to have to age this damn ham. It comes with a sticker too. Thank you so much, sir. Rachel.

And again, sometimes people are uh, people are like, Oh, Hey, you leaked your address. Um, look to see if it's the sad boys PO box because it probably is. I'll say the address. Hello.

I've never sent fan mail before in any way. This one is new for me. It's typed out. I like that. Sometimes I can't read people's handwriting and that's my fault. Um, this one is new for me. I've been trying to get into mailing things as a hobby.

Ooh, I started pen palling with my friend. Anastasia does that. Bought some postcards, et cetera. I'm enjoying it. Something about the postal process is cool to me. I just needed a hobby. And you're supporting the post office. They need your help.

Your podcast is really helpful to me. I like to listen to it to zone out when my head is too much or to keep my head from being too much. I have anxiety disorder and recently diagnosed ADHD and have been struggling with the demands of a full-time job. Shout out to that. Woo, diagnosis, though. I work for my local county government in the administration.

It's my first real job. That's like a real job. It's a real job. I work in close contact to an elected official. Being honest, it's awful. I plan on leaving the office once I can line up something else. The demands of the official are high, and their attitude towards most people is horrible. Hate honest, it's awful. I plan on leaving the office once I can line up something else. The demands of the official are high and their attitude towards most people is horrible.

Hate to hear it, but glad you're doing what you can. Elected official. They seem to have taken a dislike to me. Well, it's their fault. It sounds like they're horrible. I mean, they're career politicians, so they're sociopaths. Yeah, this is very kind and they use old episodes as an

escape. Honestly, my mental health is refreshing. And hearing us talk about our experiences is validating. Congratulations on diagnoses. Plus, bear in mind that diagnoses often can lead to treatment and coping. So, Ted Cruz, who you work for, you can soon take care of him, if you know what I'm saying. This one is a very special thing because it's a magic pack I ordered. Oh my god.

I can't. It's for me. It's a Fallen Empires pack. Wait, is this one you ordered? Yeah, this one just came. This is unrelated, but I am going to open it right now. This is just your mail. I'm addicted. This is now just my mail.

Fallen Empires booster pack. Sorry. Sorry. I sorted the mail for some reason. Yeah, but look how excited he is. Yeah, you're right. We got a breeding pit. Sorry?

We got, you heard me. We got sand silos pit. Sorry? We got, you heard me. We got sand silos. That's at man.breedingpit.com. Orcish spy, order of the ebb on hand. Orcish veteran, hymn to Torok. We also just got some stickers from Jelly Slownut. Whoa, there's also a note that says the portal stickers are permanent. What does that even mean?

Permanent stickers, I'm scared. More permanent than a note that says the portal stickers are permanent. What is that even? Permanent stickers. I'm scared. More permanent than a sticker sticker? Ooh, stickers. These are donuts. Go nuts. There's a snail as well. Thank you, Jelly Slow Nut.

Hey, Anastasia. Anastasia. Yes. Jelly Slow Nut. Sorry, Jelly Slow Deez Nut. Yes. Jelly slow nut. Sorry. Jelly slow deez nuts. Yes. Ouch.

You got me good. You stupid idiot. All right. Destroyed. I'll kill you. I'm shocked. Thank you, Jelly Slow Nut. Our main topic today is we did a call out for horrible Tinder messages and all of you delivered.

Oh, yeah. Jacob and Anastasia have kept them away from us. They said, no, no, no, you can't look. We slapped your hands away. We slapped our hands away. Every time I opened up my laptop, you slapped it closed. Yeah, nothing. That was just me for months, actually.

But before we jump into the horrible dating app messages, I went thrifting, as I mentioned earlier. And I got you a few gifts, Jordan. I got you a few gifts. And so now we did like fan mail gift time. You just give me some of the fan mail. Like I got you this. I got you these stickers.

They say you woke up today. These are really familiar to me. Yeah, congrats, man. You did it. Thank you, man. You know that's not always easy. Keep going. Thanks, dude. I believe in you. I. Thank you, man. You know that's not always easy. Keep going. Thanks, dude.

I believe in you. I did wake up a little earlier today, and I had a big breakfast. You've got this. I had a big breakfast. Good job. That's my goal, big breakfast. Congrats. Huh?

Well, you really got good. You're doing great. I'd say my name now. You did it. Not even close. Sending good vibes. All right. Appreciate yourself, man.

Sometimes when I ask you to say my name, it's weird that he doesn't hear me. Man, I know your name. That's nice, a nickname. That's fine. That's fine. Big dog. All right, let me go grab your gift. Close your eyes.

This is hard because I don't have object permanence. So right now I think I'm in a void. What the hell is going on? Open. We'll grab this and then you can open your eyes. Do you have a guess? Right now, I think I'm in a void. What the hell is going on? Open. We'll grab this and then you can open your eyes. Do you have a guess as to what it is? Oh, this is a box.

Let's go. Okay, already on board. Oh, hell yeah. Do you want to describe it for the audio listeners? Well, it's friends the television series game good to clarify the television series not the concept of people you're connected to the concept of gaming with your friends it also is this is a different thing we do uh oh i also thrifted this shirt is this 1995 super bowl shirt i really dig it i've been big on the thrift lately. Maybe that's my new shit. A ball, which I believe is a reference to an episode.

I'll admit it. The one with the ball. I do kind of like Friends. I don't watch it anymore, but I do kind of enjoy it. I do think Friends suffers from a little bit of laugh track bias. I think the script and the jokes and the performances are some of the genuinely funniest comic performers of all time. That was me being a laugh track. Oh.

A lot of this makes sense there's one thing that's a little peculiar also is that this is french that's rough no it's friends oh sorry french the television but yeah i think the game is like literally like you toss a ball around and throw the ball and then there's little moves that are referenced. Chandler's work laugh, whenever you throw the ball, do a big fake laugh. You know, hey, it's fine. The contents include one ball. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Hitler style. There was one, by the way. There were two of these at the thrifty. You could have got me two balls? No, I actually couldn't have gotten you two balls because the second one was all opened up and didn't have a ball in it. That's the game. I think that truly, it was like, you know when shit's a little disheveled?

I'm pretty sure that someone had ripped the box open, took out the ball, took out the cards, and it was just like an empty box sitting there that they would have gladly charged me for. But this one completely sealed. Okay, out of ballage. Don't be the one to drop the ball. Yeah, get it?

The contents include one ball, 50 challenge cards, eight numbered cards, one instruction sheet, and the final thing. One Chandler card. Hell yeah, dude. One. Well, I collect those actually. Getting those graded at PSA. All the cards you see behind me are

Chandler cards that I've collected over the years. What could that possibly be? No clue. Could I be a trivia? Is it a trivia game? No, no moron.

It's not. It's like a game. It's like one of those like games that like inspires like conversation and things like that. I hate that. I want it to be a trivia game. I think it would. All right.

I thought it was like a little bit silly. Like, hold on. Joey's the source is one of the, like, here we go. She think it would. All right. I thought it was like a little bit silly. Like, hold on. Joey's the source is one of the. Like, here we go. She is his lobster, which is, I believe, a reference to the TV show Friends. 13 Reasons. Oh, no.

Rules for Life. 12 Rules for Life. Split into pairs and hold hands, leaving only one hand left for throwing and catching. Oh, okay. Of the ball, the friend ball that comes with it. There's another card that says, pivot. Slowly move around in a circle while throwing the ball to each other.

Chandler's work laugh. Whenever you throw the ball, do a big fake laugh. This game does not seem fun to play, but it does. It was a reasonably priced ball. So, at its worst. Just for the ball alone. Price tag still on here, $200.

Interesting. Even rare, though. Rare, yeah. The Chandler card alone. Chandler card alone. I might pop this open just to see what a Chandler card is. I think we should try and play it someday. Someday, yeah.

Oh, I don't mind. I think it would make a good drinking game. Because then it also gets more challenging as you get a little swasty. Yeah, you're like, I can't catch the ball. these cards are big whoa they are so much bigger hold on this is like an old person's phone let's compare it to a jumbo magic card around the same size exactly the same size hell yeah that is unreal wait is this game by yeah yeah wizards of the coast the chandler The Chandler special Now the Chandler card appears to be in the wider collection of cards

What's this though? Check this shit out It's also like very poorly printed on here. Like friends it's like super smudged and like looks terrible What if it said Frangs? That would be amazing It says fiends Smudged and like looks terrible. What if it said? Frank's yeah

It says fiends I Just want that Chandler yeah, I activate heart of the cards. Guide me. I play friend's ball. I encounter with the same one. Silly Kaiba. My grandfather's deck has no pathetic cards. All of them have a ball.

But it does have the legendary Friends Ball. When I think of friends, I think of ball. Yeah, I do think of ball. Yeah. Friends is ball. Ball is life. Ball is friends, and friends are life. So therefore, through the transitive property, ball is life.

Exactly. I need gamers to vamp while I search for Chandler. So he's searching for Chandler, and we're vamping while he does that. Can you get any more vampy? Yeah. I want to drink your time. If you know what I'm saying. I want to waste a little bit of time.

Huh? Uh, blue blah. That's a famous quote from Friends. Can I talk about my one complaint about Friends? Just one? My main complaint about friends. Just one? My main complaint about friends. Too much ball. Yeah, there's not enough ball for me.

No, it's that they're not friends. They're so mean to each other. They're very cool. None of them ever laugh at the other one's jokes. It is like a very sinister relationship. It makes me so, the cruelty on that show. It's just that you're having sex with each other. That could be it.

Yeah, don't do that. That's, I mean, that's before marriage. I think, I'll say it. When the friend group starts intermingling, it's a recipe for disaster. It gets messy. It needs to be carried with ultimate caution because you can just blow up the friend group.

All it takes is one relationship to go sour. Then the whole friend group has to pick sides. Everyone's like, they're super stratified. You don't, who gets the Chandler card? Who gets the ball? It's very complicated. Who gets the Chandler card? Not Jordan.

I see Nary a Chandler card. Oh no. Amongst the experience. Okay, I think that may have been why I was able to get it at the thrift store. This is why it was cheap and it still had the ball. Yeah. I bet that other box had the two Chandra cards.

It's someone going, I know what I have. And it's listed at like $1 million. Hello, Jordan. No. Thanks, dude. It appears you've purchased my friend's ball. Is there something missing? Oh, hell yeah. something missing? 2020.

2020? Yeah, there it is. Oh my god. It's just a card with Chandler on it. It says Chandler card. It doesn't do anything. Chandler card. Everybody claps. Yay. Chandler card. Everybody claps.

Yay. Chandler card. He did it. And he's wearing a birthday hat. Maybe once the Chandler card is pulled, everything you say has to be sarcastic. Oh, could I be any more throngable? I don't buy that for a second. Okay.

Oh, wait. It's the ball. Oh. Well, the ball in the show doesn't have the Friends logo on it. Yeah, they couldn't exactly mirror the ball because it's a one-of-a-kind ball, yeah. No one told you life was going to be this way. What is, none of them appear to have grand tribulations. They live in like a 40,000 square foot apartment on a marketing budget.

Well, no one told them life was going to be that good. Oh. No one told you you'd have to take out a $200,000 debt in order to afford your apartment for a year. Okay, so I do have one more gift, and this will complete the Jarvis' Gifts to Jordan part two. Ah, I closed my eyes. Was everyone gone? Yeah, this one's pretty sure. Sure.

As far as I can see, Peter is here. He's doing his iconic chuckle. His smug laugh. I got a plan. Grab this. Zip. Sure. Fabric. grab this zip show us fabric

go ahead and oh hell yeah it's Peter Peter's weird son Peter what's it say oh that's awesome it is a Rambo style stewie

with his iconic gun and it's awesome it is a rambo style stewie with his iconic gun uh and it's his diaper he's like his diaper is very full it's a very junky dive yeah he's looking directly to to the to the i guess viewer of my shirt and says doesn't play well with others this is one of those you know when you you go to like uh the flea market? Family Guy. Yeah. It's official merch. So this was at one of those vintage thrift places where they curate the stuff. So I was looking through a big rack of curated clothes,

and they specifically curated this official Family Guy merch. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah, it's like, yeah, check it out, dude. This is me in middle school. I'm surrounded by magic cards wearing a Family Guy shirt. And dancing.

And dancing. True. Stewie's iconic phrase where he goes, yeah, I'm a baby. Yeah, I don't play well with others. I don't play. with others I don't play I've got a gun family guy copyright symbol

family guy 2003 1999 or something or some shit Louis I don't know I was a baby

he used to grow up dude Stewie he's like a Pokemon Stewie Stewie Stewie use gun

and full dipe. I poo-pooed my dipe. Is this from like an episode? I don't know why they made that shit. All right. Well, now we can move on to the important part of the episode, which is the dating app messages that people have sent us. Can I give you a warning, by the way?

Yeah. I actually don't play well with others. So we might have to figure out a new podcast. Test my patience. Go ahead. I won't. I guess we're playing well together. You actually I've defeated you.

Tear off the shirt falls off. I've learned a lesson today. I can't really do Stewie for long periods of time. I can really just do like woman. A lot of it's in the expression. do Stewie for long periods of time. I can really just do like, woman! The face is good. A lot of it's in the expression. Your head is widening.

I can't do PETA for like much longer than just saying shit like this show. I just go shower. It's me fucking Brian. I do an excellent shower. Quahog. What's the deal? His five minute set that he does

At the beginning of every Family Eye episode It's him in front of the brick wall From the cellar Doing a little bit of stand up What's the deal? Now I can't do it Okay

So anyway Dating app messages What the fuck is the deal? What's the deal? It's me What's going on over here? What's the deal? It's me. It was going on all the, it's Peter Griffin. Even though it's the stuff's a little bit too woke. Hey, ever notice?

It seems today that all you see is bad guys on movies and sex on TV. Hey, good. So whatever happened to those good old fashioned values? Oh yeah. Woo. Yeah. So what? So Jacob and Anast say to take it away

yes so last last episode we have like you're doing a five minutes now that you're standing with you were facing a brick wall updating hey come on Peter come on anybody ever been on

anybody please oh but yeah we stand up Anybody ever been on Tinder? Anybody, please. Oh. But yeah, we made a little... What you doing? Stand up. We made a call out for people to submit really bad dating app messages. And everybody did. Everyone who watched...

Everyone did. 100,000 messages. This is a bunch from me trying to cheat. We did get a lot of messages, which I think just goes to show how wild the world is. I do want to say, if you don't see your contribution on here, it's likely just because we got a lot of similar styles of comments and we

didn't want to just like include all of those. Right. And then also if it's very sexual or graphic in any way, we might not put it on the main episode. So for us, which is just to say that we will be doing a sad boys nights, which is our patron exclusive podcast at patrion.com slash sad boys nights which is our patreon exclusive podcast at patreon.com slash sad boys where we look at some of the more not safe for youtube comments yeah hey we get a little up

yeah yeah let's get a little blue like a peanut they get a little they get a little grimy yeah i'll say some i say a lot of jacked up stuff i'll do here's one thing I'd say only on the night. Yeah, hit us. To me, the Joker's normal and Batman's crazy. Yeah. I like South Park a lot. I think Dark Humor is actually good. And Everything You Like sucks. Do we have to beep all of that?

Yeah, I think we do. I feel like... Oops, what's wrong, liberals? YouTube might not like what you just said. Yeah, I don't play well without it yeah maybe there will be a Chandler card no promises in the bonus I will do everything in my fucking power

we are going to go look for that god damn Chandler card okay so again Jordan and I have not seen these this is an Anastasia and Jacob production we wanted to maintain we wanted to maintain our surprise so we haven't seen these i just want people to know it's we're seeing them for the first time including if this

sucks i want to maintain my surprise at how bad a job yeah you guys can um tell me and jacob if you and if and if uh this is fun then maybe we'll do it again yeah true okay number one excuse me what could this mean okay so okay so this is hinge i'm on dating apps by the way so if you see me do not interact um the uh uh but yeah so on hinge this is a someone replied to this photo like the the a suitor replied to our listener saying punch me in the face is that right yeah yeah and then they said i replied saying no then she unmatched with me i guess that was the what's the answer they want like what is it i get that maybe it's like a push for a riff or something but is the like the flirtatious answer to be like okay i'll go ahead um take me to dinner first i'm not gonna punch. I know. I do not know how to respond to those types of that type of flirting. Well, my I almost feel like this is like a very efficient dating app situation, because if that person truly wants to be punched in the face.

Or that's their sense of humor. Or that's and this person's not into it. Doesn't want to engage. Yeah, I agree. Immediately. I agree. This is great. That person does not play well with others they got a twisted south box all right next we have a conversation oh hell yeah do you want to be purple or white i'll be purple i'll be white hey nice shirt thank you many people told me it looks like a dad shirt i'm glad you kept it up there despite them roasting you lol

it's good to break free from the crowd okay a day you know that was in the next morning so what's the key to achieving happiness? Is that it? Doing what you want to do and not worrying about other people? Maybe I do. Maybe I bought the shirt and thought, hmm, I really want to channel dad vibes. Then you got to work on getting a dad bod too, LOL. No, not if I just want the vibes. The goal is not to look like a dad but to feel like a dad

this is sometimes you know like the it's a it's a fun jumping off point for the riff but i you can't stay in the pocket it's like a really long handshake sorry that's right ahead is that what they mean by daddy issues? Then what that evening? Just a joke. Just a joke. LOL. Then a few hours later, did I give you the ick?

And then I guess even later, by the way, I was invited to a cruise wedding in Bermuda and I need a plus one. Would you be interested at all? And then the next day they missed a video call. Hey, maybe you missed this they operate they're operating like a like a bad manager on slack sometimes sometimes when like a message falls through i will send like one last ditch hey do you want to grab coffee do you want to grab a drink type thing i'm going on a cruise uh but like at this, like basically at once you've made the daddy issues thing, the just a joke is like, they're like, oh no, oh no, oh no.

So I'll give him that. And then did I give you the ick? I'm like, you can't. Are you uncomfortable with me? Did I give you the ick? I'm going on safari, by the way. You've got to join me. Pick up.

Hi, it's me. I'm at LAX right now. Come. Come here. I got a ticket with your name on it. I looked you up, and I did one of those information lookups on you, and I got your address and your full name. Is this it?

Do what you want and not worry about other people. I brought a copy of your birth certificate, so you're good. You're all covered, I think. You're all covered, dude. Oh, not a copy. I got the original. I got the original. I went certificate, so you're good. You're all covered, I think. You're all covered. Oh, not a copy. I got the original. I got the original. I went to the hospital you were born in.

Lovely spot. Anyway, I like your shirt. Yeah, remember from before? Remember from before. We could start riffing about the dad thing again. Would that be fun? That whole dad back and forth exchange as well it kind of feels like when you it's like that time that i got that same uber eats guy after there was like that car crash outside my apartment yeah and all we could riff about was like so nope you're doing well in your

car did i give you the ick is such a sad response never send it and put it in quotes did i give you so sad much long did i give you did i give you The ick. Did I give you... It's so sad. What's wrong? Did I give you the ick? Yo, did I give you the ick? Just a joke. Lol. Just a joke.

By the way, I'm making sure that... I'm actually going to space tomorrow. And I've got a... I've got an extra seat next to me on Mars One if you want to take a little trip across the globe.

FaceTime call. Hello? Pick up. It's me and Jeff Bezos. There's no time. Get on the ship. I kind of relate to that in the fact that, not dating apps,

but just even in talking people where I'm like, oh, I shouldn't have said that. Why did I say that? But sometimes you have to just let that ride. You know what I mean? That is a bad, it's bad improv for yourself. You're setting yourself up for nothing. Yeah.

And then you have to have the agility to go like, okay, well, how could we get out of this? I know. I'll ask them directly if I made them. Hey, did I give you the ick? I'm sure I've been like, I'm sure I've like lacked tact in this way in the past. So I get it. Sometimes you get too excited and you just, you just like vomit of words and then you're overthinking everything,

but you kind of just got to let it ride. Right. I mean, is that what it actually, there's the exact point where it was time to put the, the dad riff away is you got to work on your dad, but not, not if I just want the vibes to go slow like a dad,

but to feel like a dad. That's exactly what I stopped doing. Yeah, it's like, oh no, we don't have a sense of humor. Is that what they mean by daddy issues? It's like an insane, like, what are you supposed to say to that? Because that's more just like word association. Because you want to... It's like, I don't know, daddy long legs.

Is that what, yeah. You also like want to make it easy for the other person to respond. You know what I mean? Is that what they mean? No. Like that is a really hard thing. Like what is that? What am I even working with?

If I have any friction on the response, then I'm just like moving on. It's just a joke. Just a joke. I'm just kidding. Why are you upset? Did I give you the... What's wrong? We have to move on.

We have to move on. Did I give... Are you annoying me? That's rough, dude. That's challenging. That is, you know, unique. I'd crawl a mile over broken glass just to hear you fart through a walkie talkie they say romance is dead you know what i mean that is at least funny in how absurd

it is but it that person's profile has to be the most like weird you're like like that would only work if you judge by their profile that you think that that's the type of joke that they want well it's also like every single time you see just like a genuinely good funny sometimes sincere whatever post and it is a woman on instagram reels it is just always not that this person is all but that is like the exact kind of joke i just always see it's just like huh really funny step on me and you uh you see her at a bar how do you open i'd crawl a mile over broken glass just to hear you fart through a walkie talkie is it's just a joke lol just a joke lol did i give you the feeling icky did i give you the ink what's the deal with my weird message also it's very funny

to me that that message is right under enable push notifications as an option absolutely no thanks never been a worse time to enable push notification delete the app okay so it's the reply to a what appears to just be a photo of an old headshot. A photo of a listener's face. So I think I finally figured what I want on this app. I now know I want you. You seem like an amazing fun person. I need that in my life. I need you.

It's coming on way too strong. This kind of reminds me of BookTok. Oh. Oh, you're right. Those like TikTok those, sorry, romance novel kind of style of talking where it's like you're mine i need you and it's like you and i in real life that doesn't always work we are spirit mates i am the alpha and you are my kitten every every aspect of this is uh

a little bit too much. Like the wind up, I think I finally figured out what I want on this app. I now know I want you. First of all, it's overwritten. Second of all, like- That's a long ass message. Shut up. Yeah, don't be weird, please.

Okay, you seem like an amazing, fun person. You could have just said that. I need that. And you could have just gone this to, you seem like a fun person. Everything else is implied. You know what I mean? Yeah, there's an editing you could do to this and everything works in the same

order, but just take away. I now know I want you. Even though it's a pretty bland message. I sometimes send those where it's like, Hey, you seem fun. How's it going?

Or whatever. Yeah. And you kind of seem nice. It's not really worth a nice smile. It's kind of like when you go on a date with someone and you're like really, really, really anxious about values you don't actually hold.

But your goal is still a relationship. And it's the point where like, well, I don't think I really want to date someone that indexes that hard on like punctuation or something. Yeah, but I'm going to read for content. I'm going to read way too much into this. I need you, smiley face face sweat smiley face is very funny to me he's getting double emoji after i need you and similar ones that i am it's like they're asking it in the message yeah well they ran out of characters oh i think i may have gone a little too far with this one just hit backspace what's wrong don't finish sending it which one

sticky icky a ruck row. I may have gone off the handle because I think I need you in my life. And I will have you. None other will take your ring finger but only my own. Okay. This is cool. This is badass. Hey, girl.

Are you an electrical outlet? Because I'd love to stick a fork in your smiley face. A lot of killing. I've heard that a lot of dudes are like very sexually forward on dating apps. And I don't understand that because I've never met a person that goes, yeah, stick a fork in me. I'm done. I'm all cooked. Yeah.

Wait, what is that? That's the thing. This doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. The reason you do lines or whatever, if that is something you're resorting to, is to elicit a interested response or at least like, you know, something. Whereas I think so much of this learned flirt behavior, pickup artistry, whatever, is literally just to feel impactful.

It's not like get a reply or have an effect that you want. It's just explosive. It's like sending a dick pic. Are you an electrical outlet? I guess you're some kind of. Yeah. Cause also you do that and it's going to shock. Yeah.

That's good. Again, under put enable push notifications as an option. This feels like an insult. I don't know where you look like you swallow magnets like what like does can't that hurt that can like hurt you right like is this a setup like because you're attractive but they have to get the response oh right you look like you swallow but see the thing i thought about is if i think about like uh ways that dogs can ingest things

that are hurtful to them. You eat almonds. And if a dog ingests a magnet and then ingests another magnet, it can be very bad because they'll come together and mess with your intestines. And so that's immediately what I thought of. What about people? And so I guess this person is just trying to say, because you're so attractive, but your belly specifically is attractive. They hit you with a knock knock

except with like the knock knock is knock knock death knock knock who's there do you swallow magnets because i'm attracted to your north pole hello come back please hey bug is a cool name in here like a love bug that's a parenthetical by the way interesting i like your pics the dark hair and your rebellion but you also look very adorable this okay there should be words this is this is this is i'm sorry i this is offensive to read it like starts with a parenthetical and then does this run on sentence that doesn't make any sense. It feels like I would become more skeptical about the quality of AI if it put this out. It would be underwhelmed

if ChatGPT gave me something like this. I'd be like, we lost progress. I want something different. Something not boring. It's weird when you say what you want in an open message. Yeah, I want you. Just like the other one. And I will have you.

And I give you it. What's wrong? This one also sounds like he's not talking about a person. He's talking about a new soda. You know what I mean? I want something different. I want something. It's like a marketing executive.

I want something different. Something not boring. What are you writing about? I'm keen to hear your ideas, your story. And it's freaking cold. Yes. I want, want, want. I want, want, want cuddles.

No, the multiple one. I want, want, want cuddles. Dude, this is on the tier list. This is in D for discord. This is a discord style post. This is a reaching out to the kitten, a mod reaching out to the kitten. Jordan, read the next message. Was that too much?

And please no chit chat texting. I'm bad at it. That much is obvious. That's very clear. You probably should have started with no chit chat texting. Yeah, it does. Well, where he exceeds is the last paragraph. I don't like chit chat texting.

I'd rather monologue about how meme what what what cuddles. I'd rather flirt like Sephiroth. Yeah. Okay, so then Tuesday. So this is, we don't know what day 522 was. We can look it up. But anyway, Tuesday they say, no answer, no match, darling. Rev up your efforts a notch or I'll delete you.

That sounds like murder. Not like I will erase you. Yeah. Come on, putz. You going to message me back or not? I ain't waiting around all day for nothing. Oh, it's freaking cold. Yeah.

I want cuddles over here. Hey, pal. Hey, that's an awful nice cuddle you got over there. I want something different. Something not boring. A guy negotiating for his like uh as a snitch what are you writing about something a little bit my whole sentence i am keen to hear your ideas your story and it's freaking cold so yeah i want my mock coddles did i give you the egg that's truly what

the uh was that too much like yeah if you can ask that in the same message then don't send the message I know he read it back it paragraph break them went You know if she's not a delicate soul They have a delicate soul then I can save it Also, I don't know if I'd get through the whole message if I was genuinely really uncomfortable. Yeah, it's um, it's like it reads as bad impulse control yeah we gotta cut it out with the um what's it called the uh disclaimers like if at the end you have to be like um was that am i was that really uh yeah warning this is about to get real chat texting like i feel like you just did chit chat texting you're having a conversation with yourself this

is substantial what you've already said. I'm also like, what are the odds that this is just like a copy paste that this guy does for everybody? Well, I mean. I mean, they did give the specifics of, I like your pics, your dark hair, and your rebellion. But you also look very adorable. But. Hello, insert name of girl here. You're rebellious, but also hot.

It's like saying, it's weird that I'm attracted to you. You got a weird freak name. You got a cool name, but you're busted. How come I want you? Which I do, and I will have you. Hey, no answer, no match, darling. Hey, what are you writing? Darling is so condescending.

There's a lot of words in here where like You should be allowed to like Send or whatever but what it should do Is pop up like a Like a little clippy Clippy for not being a pervert I noticed the word adorable is in here Looks like you seem like a

Monster Recreate this message Maybe in a more casual tone Let's rewrite it Hey cool name would you like to recreate this message maybe in a more casual tone a little bit patrick let's rewrite it hey cool name that's it i like your i like your pics they didn't even say anything like wait they didn't say anything other than hey i like your pics you're pretty and i want cuddles and then they go was that too much they didn't even like ask a question okay that's just i feel like it's it's easier to respond to a question than it is a statement and it's hey thanks all

right no hey i like your pics too and your dark hair and your rebellion it's also weird to make demands from the jump to be like no shit chat no pics no match chit chat only green m&ms in a bottle on my on my bed he has a writer i want calvin klein underwear single pack free every show i want every show every day um all right i tell you i watched like a short yesterday and like golden was in it but it was from a year plus ago oh whoa and i didn't think he could look any more like a baby. He has short hair. Oh, that's wild. You look like our child.

That's funny. Shout out, Golden. What the fuck? Benjamin and Amanda, we think you two should meet. This is what Hinge does where it gives you someone they think you'll match with. Every single day, because you're a new person, that is your best match. Yeah. And it's truly because they have like a chess algorithm going,

like an ELO rating going under the hood. And they're like, you guys are of similar skill level in the dating arena. So we think you're a good match based on that. 4.33 on men.wikiv.com. And we think that could really set you up with a man. You're both 1100. So we think you two mids should date. Hi.

That's me. By the way, I'm self-deprecating. Like that's how I feel opening up the app. Hi. Are you open to nose play? That has to be a joke. Risky. Risky role. Huge risk. whether joke or not risky but also their soul mates are going to hinge so the only the only way that this is uh the only context we could

possibly be missing that makes this okay is if in their in amanda's bio it goes ask me if i'm open to nose play yeah or like uh k friendly, tell me what you're into or something along those lines. Nose play is wild. Not a kink shamer, but maybe this one. Do you think that's a real thing? You see, that's the thing. I feel like everything's a real thing,

but I feel like regardless, you don't open with. You see me across the bar. How do you open? Hey, toots. Let me see them piggies on your ankles. Let me take a little look at those. Are you on the cold play? That's worse.

We were all yellow. Gross. Walking up to somebody at a bar. Hey, I like your vibe, but no chit chat. No chit chat. Cut it out. Just cuddles. He's like, hey, what do you do for work?

Was that too much? Me want, want, want cuddles. You go to a bar and you're like, I'm cold. I'm chilly. Just doing that, but not then saying anything. Just being like, could anyone help me maybe? Like we can turn up the heat. No, no, no.

Me want, want, want. No, no, no. Maybe there's, like, baby bars. I want one, one, one uppies. You know how there's, like, vampire bars? Maybe there's baby bars. I don't know that. You two will say the most esoteric shit.

And then turn to it, I'll be like, am I right, fellas? Of course. You guys ever blimble on the wingo? Yeah. Oh, my God. Have you seen when Benjamin did the backflip to the nose hair? Yeah, man, of course. Everybody's been to a vampire bar and gotten a schling schling.

I wish I could go to a vampire bar. You bring a steak and a silver bullet to a vampire bar? There's bars where people who are like goth and like to pretend they're vampires go that's cool dance that's badass they dance i feel like that's such a funny what if i goes blade they would love that blade doesn't dance i'm a day walker i'm mixed you're mixed i like the idea my mother was actually my father bit my mother while she was pregnant and it created the day i'm having trouble imagining Asterion dancing. Oh, doing the will dance?

Yeah. And then looking really sad if he's, you know. Are you into nose play? Don't touch me. Touch my nose. My bloodthirsty, my dagger happy friend. Oh. My Asterion's very close to my Stewie. We don't have to talk about it. But then again, Asterion is kind close to my Stewie we don't have to talk about it

but then again Asterion is kind of close to Stewie fat man have Asterion say but I'm a baby but I'm a baby have him say Stewie's catchphrase you don't play well with others oh that's true

hey what are your thoughts on the death penalty oh do you have a dark urge? Oh. Hey, yeah. Hey, what are your thoughts on the death penalty? Thoughts on it. What do you think happens? What happens at the end?

They go to sleep? I mean, this is like, maybe if it comes up, a first date question, maybe. It's funny to do it to a picture. Oh, is it like, what's the picture? It's like me, me next to the electric chair.

It's you visiting Alcatraz. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are your thoughts on the death penalty? You in the electric chair? You're like writing a bill soon. Seeking conjugal visit ASAP.

You're like, uh, only in town for one day. Yeah uh only in town for one day yeah only in town for one day i'm uh i'm an aide to supreme court justice hey what are your thoughts on the death but that's such an interesting one because it almost suggests that like i wonder where they live first of all where that's even a contentious topic well oh yeah i mean like in a lot of america it is actually. Because like here, it's more, it's like an abstract, right? It's almost like talking about guns abroad. But California at large is pretty,

like there are like lots of conservative pockets in California. So I feel like you'd be surprised. Oh, I mean the belief. Yeah, but the practice. Oh yeah. Oh, actually doing it. Yeah, no, a lot of, yeah, absolutely. Maybe this person who sent this message is a lobbyist or or yeah they're doing a survey

yeah they're doing a poll 91 no that this is like have they gone when they you know they stopped calling like gen zers because they don't pick up their phone to do uh to do polling they don't even pick up your facetime when you give them no dude what what the heck i'm we're on the way to monaco come with us um so they do it in dating yeah i'm wondering if they just do in dating apps what are your opinions on yeah prop 97 oh um i don't know i'm going on a cruise as it so happens a ted cruise this november you should do that okay so it's just it seems like just a nice photo of the person that submitted this

the listener's response is very funny do you want to read i'll be white you'll be you keep doing that okay you be give it a go white i need a break from being white i'm the day walker oh wait you need a break from being white. I'm the day walker. Oh, wait, you need a break from being white? Okay, I'll do it. I like how you look like you have no object permanence. I feel like you're about to send me my own IP address. Oh, no. Oh, that's too passe.

I'll be sending you your own mother's medical records. Okay, the Joker. Jesus Christ. I'll be seeing you at Gotham bank for the end of the day i have your mother here she might die soon if you don't respond diane says hello and you wouldn't want her to die and it's an awful nice mother you got there um yeah so i her roast is very funny and i i don't know what she expected but this person did not respond well. Oh, yeah. So anyway, that's too passe. I'll be sending you your own mother's medical records,

which this is just a hunch, but I have a feeling you do not have a good relationship with her. You seem like you're physically incapable of eating a meal without an accompanying YouTube video. I'd rather be cold as slur. Yeah, also, so what? Yeah, okay. Little man, I'm assuming.

This is little man speak. So what if I'm physically incapable of eating a meal without an accompanying YouTube video? What if I need to watch the newest Defunctland? Okay, yeah, it's a four-hour dinner. I got a lot of meals to get through. I got to sit me down. I got to watch folding ideas with my soup.

What of it? I take one sip every 20 minutes. What of it? I got to listen to the sad boys not not my kind of show not my kind of show but it makes me throw up i kind of did it with them yeah i it is this is another great example of like you understand what riffing is supposed to be but you have not progressed since middle to high school and yeah they got me on that one so i'll just heighten it yeah most people would a slur wouldn't do it justice it would just insult you in an inaccurate way i'm cutting to the

heart of who you are calm down man yeah this is like this is like uh he's like is this like extreme extreme negging and also i'm not upset i almost called him i almost called him a big i was called my big is what i this guy's a real yeah and i you know that and then i thought of it and i thought better of it we are of course day walkers we can say yeah i wish you were my girl looking at your photos i have this fantasy where we're on a picnic at the beach with my body we're on a picnic on the beach just me and you lying on a mat and you're looking so sexy in a bikini you know some people listen to the show when they sleep i start oh no i say that. Jacob, you say this part. Go ahead. Call HR.

I start caressing you gently. I'm not going to make you do this, Jacob. Jacob, you're a pervert. What the hell is wrong with you? I start caressing you gently. And then all over sudden. All right, you lost me, buddy. Proofread.

That's all I'm asking. Over sudden. All of a sudden. And wrap up with, was that too much? Do you give you a... I start... The one of Jarvis's turn offs is bad grammar. It's not hard.

What's funny is this never comes up in my life. And so it's just like, if you're going to take this huge swing, this is like an Omega swing. You gotta, you can't then all over sudden. I'm so sorry. Okay. Maybe is like an Omega swing. You gotta, you can't, then all over sudden, I'm so sorry. Okay. Maybe this is annoying to people. I can't, this is a weird thing about me.

Okay. I start caressing you gently. Then all of over sudden you go for my lips and we're locked in a passionate kiss. It feels like we're being consumed by a fire of desire in the letter. We are melting on the inside for each other. I've been talking to this guy who was visiting my area, but it's from the UK.

Well, that explains it. I stopped talking to him because after messaging for just two days, he told me to go to grad school at Cambridge and move to the UK to be with him, which was a lot since I live in the US. And again, we had been talking for two days. After two weeks of zero contact, he sent me this out of the blue. That's crazy.

Which is hilarious because it's essentially fan fiction. I mean, this is, you know what? That little clip you were thinking of? We can call it like Tindy, like the Tinder clip or whatever. Oh, it's a little Mark Zuckerberg if you're on Instagram. It should pop up and just if it's a paragraph, it should just go up and be like, hey, just structurally

if you're on Facebook. This is it. Wait, wait, wait. Do I have Mark Zuckerberg? Um, uh, wait, hold on. I wish you were my girl. Looking at your photos, I have this fantasy where

we're on a picnic at the beach well senator i start caressing you gently you go for my lips it's like almost kermit like yeah i don't know they're all almost kermit they're on the spectrum the kermit spectrum so i do think again this is book talk influence yeah where people think women want to hear like fantasy i think it's a little like it's poisoning also it's online in general poisoning because like presentation has taken over intent like what you say doesn't matter as much as how you communicate it i think if you are not even as an insult like internet pill certainly we are but i feel like the the irony and internet poisoning reached us a little later and with you know decent enough socialization to know what is just objectively weird to say yeah but 14 year old jordan could have like on on uh msn the equivalent of aim yeah no we we have that too what the what's the point pick a lane dude

uh we would i mean i i'd had some like cringy lyrics in my status oh yeah i'd send a girl like a big paragraph talk about because we were like chatted for like three days and i'd be like we could do this so i'm actually feeling really like we're connecting and you know it is a gamble in some ways you get a you get a you get a little dub you get like a whoa another excited tumblr person but ultimately it's like that's different because it's not real like you're 14 years. Really what you're doing is like cosplaying is what you think an adult is from movies. So I have a more cynical take.

I think that this again is bad impulse control. And it's like this guy just wants to be able to say this to someone. Yes, that's true. You know what I mean? Especially if they've already been talking. Like it's pleasing for him to be able Yes, that's true. You know what I mean? Especially if they've already been talking. Like, it's pleasing for him to be able to say that I wish we were locked in

an embrace, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I don't think he's thinking about whether or not she wants to hear it. It's a dick pic, you know what I mean? Yes, it feels like a verbal dick pic. It's a dick pic, but he's got a microbe. Because it's like, because when a guy's sending a dick pic, I don't think he's thinking she's going to think this is really hot. It's a dick pic, but he's got a microbe. Because when a guy's sending a dick pic,

I don't think he's thinking she's going to think this is really hot. It's for him. It's for him. And this feels like it's for him, except for he's like, it's like he went, he's like about to take it. And he goes, no, I'll do it with words. I know it'll crush. The true rush for me will be prose.

Because I just think this type of message has never worked no i mean you know what i mean yeah give you a that one works did i give you the no actually you gave me the um did i give you the um um okay i'm just looking for a girl that i can give them god there's some challenging clips from this episode. After a few days of using the app, I got my first match, and everything was going fine. We were chatting and playing games until on day two, she subtly dropped the term boyfriend.

Uh-oh. Lucky. I didn't know how to react to that because I didn't want to be confrontational and argue about something that could be positive, but it certainly stayed in my mind as a flag that needs further review as it should we continue to talk mostly over facetime as they live too far away to meet in person this turns out to be a positive until day three or four when she pops this gem of a question do you think i'm manipulative have i given you the air this is

obviously a huge fucking red flag of a question so i respond to something like i've known you for less than a week now i've known you for less than a week now i can't really answer that question that is that is in the realm of death penalty what's your opinion the um that yeah this is a situation where i'd be like haha no why you know you you're like what's happening here then she responds with something like oh people have called me that in the past the red flag gets redder i also sometimes moving my hands helps me with when i'm like reading it's telekinetic jacob's flying up and down around the room then she sends me this i stand by the wolfman joke by the way um which one is so we did this person's g-man this person's g-man oh my god oh wait let's do

this who's i'll be g-man since i've been reading for g-man oh my oh my god i'm bored already oh you're are you from like new zealand yes oh my god i'm bored already that sucks but i can't talk right now. It's fine. I'm actually really depressed right now. Damn, me too. That is really funny. I did a photo of them with their hand to a mirror, but they're a wolf in the mirror. But then look at the reply.

My great-grandma just passed. That is so sad. And then everything goes to black and white, and he walks back into the screen. Well, I'm sad that she lost a family member. I can't help but feel that the sudden passing in the family is suspect due to the sudden change in tone. It feels like a trap to keep me from leaving her by making me feel guilty. You're not together, so I don't know if there is that concept.

That's quite the trap. Yeah. These massive red flags made me decide to convene the council, which is when you hit up the boys to go to the other Discord channel. Yeah, that's called playing some Warzone, pal. Yeah, you're like on your six. By the way.

Hey, do you think I'm manipulative, officer? Yeah. Sergeant. These massive red flags made me decide to convene the council and they all agreed that this lady seems like trouble so i'm currently drafting the breakup text it's been three days wish me luck and i'll let you know any developments yeah keep us posted what are what are they though oh boy uh sent her the message me and the council devised and this was her reaction okay i think the cat

it's a fun little yeah you know to it's i'm now starting to think it is a government body yeah it really seems like it's got no it's got gandalf it's got the whole squad it's got the uh it's got john bolton the former commissioner of the cia The counsel of letting her down easy. Yeah. I'm sorry to say this. Here's the message the counsel clicked up. We'll rate it. We'll see how the counsel did. I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think this is going to work out.

It sucks, but I think the distance between us is just too much. Also, I don't know if I'm able to put in the time into our conversations like you would want. While the past few days I've had fun chatting. I can't keep up this level of conversation without it affecting my life. It's a little extreme. Jesus Christ. It's a bummer, but I hope you find someone you can really connect with. Wow.

Most of the parts of this are fine. I think people have the tendency to over-explain. I think it's a structural thing again. This is what sort of, not to the same level of severity but this is the starter to a conversation that leads to that guy we looked at last week who was like well they told me that i'm emotionally capable and they are connected with me and there was things that we went over and actually i'm also very communicative i need someone like you someone someone rebellious someone with dark hair can we i need need need cuddles did i give you the plus one? Me so warm.

So all this shit is going on in my personal life. And now this. It's almost like you don't care. You're also, you're just like all the others. This is. That from fiction. Their eyes are turning red. Yeah.

And they're drawing the sword. You're just like all the others. Thanks for fucking me up mentally right now. Right before my graduation. All right. That's manipulative. Do you think I'm manipulative? Yeah. By the others. Thanks for fucking me up mentally right now, right before my graduation. Alright, that's manipulative. Do you think I'm manipulative? Yeah. By the way, I'm just arming themselves. Do you think I'm manipulative? Is there something wrong with that?

Did I give you the ick? Cletus? I don't know why I'm doing that voice. Thanks for fucking me up mentally right now. Before my graduation, I really appreciate it. Oh, that's nice. And on top of that, my granny and my great-grandnie's death. Okay, now two people are dead. What is she doing?

I really appreciate it. Oh, sorry. I lost track of what was being manipulated. All I fucking wanted was love and attention and you do this to me. I don't even know what to do. I'm shifting it. I don't even know why I'm telling you this because it's obvious you don't give a damn about me

and all my feelings. So the problem here is that, so I would say that like, obviously I don't want to be flippant about someone having a passing in the family. That's very serious. And that's caused a lot of emotional turmoil. However, I do think it's being weaponized here. Yes. And that's very unfair and kind of like a hit in the family, that's very serious. And that's caused a lot of emotional turmoil. However, I do think it's being weaponized here.

Yes. And that's very unfair and kind of like a hit below the belt. And you can't expect, like, this is a very unreasonable expectation to have for any other individual. Especially when you've never met in person. And this person is basically saying, I can't handle my feelings. I'm throwing them onto you and i need you to catch them and now you're dropping them on the floor just like everyone else you can't handle

my needs never a great sign when everyone else air quotes has been letting them down and they're not yeah when you talk to somebody and like everyone in their life is a villain it's just they've actually ever 40 best friends in the last year oh my god yeah that's really had a falling out what happened they betrayed me oh wow your life is extremely dramatic i'm so sorry to hear that wow everyone you've ever dated cheated on you that's interesting like a slight selection no you're right no i mean you know why would i even suggest it's 20 people in a row i mean mean, it's certainly possible. And again, that's the thing. It's like, at the end of the day, everything this person is saying can be true. We don't even have to posit that they're making anything up.

All these things can be real, and it can still be a very unfair way to respond to someone who you just met. And it's a very unfair expectation to have. And also, I think it's a good unfair expectation to have and also i think it's good choice of g-man and the council to yeah the whole senate crushed it on this one and the council is like a scabby i mean i i think it's also never a great sign to default to uh malice to default to like well this person's being malicious to me by not giving me something is almost always you're in the wrong. And the thing is love, which is a thing that like, you just can't treat like a commodity. Love and support is a mutual consent process. And it,

you can say that like G-Man, man, I personally have no issue with the way G-Man, whatever, you know. But aside from what he did to Gordon Freeman, there is like, I have no ethical qualms with the way they did this message, whatever, not necessarily the way I would do it. I don't even think I would end up in this situation, but whatever. There is no world where I think it is reasonable for any human to reply to another human with that kind of strategy. Yeah. With the, well, and also it's multiple single line messages sent panically.

Like it's clearly the exact opposite of what they did. They had no counsel to review and discuss. And I can't help but feel like, especially someone you've never met in real life. It's very much, it's like the emotional hot potato is something that my therapist talks about with me is like when someone is like unable to handle their own emotions so then they throw them onto someone else.

So it's like, wow, so all this shit going on in my personal life and now this, that's like such an internal narrative and it like presents them as like the main character right and they're like it limits other people everything i'm going through and now this it's like well you didn't consider the effect that you were having on me and my well-being did you see any of the things i said about affecting my life or it's about i mean it's like yeah it's limiting

other people to their utility yeah you are you matter as much as you serve me the main character it sounds like uh wow i can't believe you you just quit when no one's here to fill your shift what the hell your shift of emotional labor for me dude did you everyone leaves and they say i'm a bad boss yeah i have a hundred percent churn rate within the first week. And I pay $2 a year. And all of a sudden, I'm a bad guy. Don't forget, I want to do that. All the things happening in my personal life, and you couldn't work a shift for me.

Unfortunately, these things can all be happening at the same time. And you can't not break up with somebody or anything for someone because they had a family member pass away because it's like what's the statute of limitations six months after like it's just a thing you have only been talking for a few days this isn't fair you have a boyfriend maybe i think like something i i've experienced a lot and i have known other people to experience is when you are looking so much for external validation and acknowledgement of your worth that you are trying desperately to connect with anybody and and have people take care of you feel bad for you etc this is not the person to ask for that support. You've known this person for a week

or whatever. You've never met in person. You've only talked, you know, I feel like that validation and love and care needs to come internally or you can connect with someone that you're very, very close to, to seek it if you need that help. But like just casting this wide net. Yeah. It's just not fair to the people around you. And it's still so gonna, I mean, you can argue the ethics of it or whatever, but it is not going to result in the thing you want. Exactly.

And it's certainly not going to result in the thing you want when you have a reactive, aggressive response. They're going to be like, Oh, it was so right to cut off. Yeah. But it's certainly not going to result in the thing you want when you have a reactive, aggressive response. They're going to be like, oh, it was so right to cut off content. But it's like if you're the person who's in this situation, you just have to reflect on how you're using, how you might be using people as an emotional outlet. Yeah. Oh.

Oh, my God. Which side do you want? Oh, I mean'm definitely the responder okay hello i've learned that pickup lines are kind of expected but i find that kind of rude why would we make lines move when they're probably comfortable where they are so instead i'll just ask how are you doing shut yip up okay fucking loser this doesn't seem to be going well so i'm just gonna wish you good night in a good life

dude oh my god honestly incredible yeah that's no comment that's just funny and then the uh the villain wraps up with Dude, honestly, incredible sword ship, dude. I have no comment. That's just funny. And then the villain wraps up with a classic, a KYS. Damn. That's maybe the meanest one. That's a sharpshoot.

It's the meanest one by far. Something tells me you watch Curtis Connors videos. What did you say to me? Sorry, that wasn't the... Something tells me you freaking watch Curtis, dude. Don't say that again. Dude. Awkward. Watch him.

I hardly know him. Oh. Oh, hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey. Oh, hi. What's going on? Extra greeting.

Just kidding. Not anymore. I love him. I need to see him again soon so I can hone... Oh, yeah. I literally just to get sued so I can hone. Oh yeah. I literally just texted him. Can I be honest? Go ahead.

You're my type and I like your sexy nerdy glasses. Verified account. That's funny because you matched on Tinder. So that's obvious. I would assume they're your type. Yeah. Yeah. Can I be honest?

You're not my type. Bye. You gave me they're your type. Yeah. Yeah. Can I be honest? You're not my type. Bye. You gave me the it actually. This is another thing. Same. Oh, dude. That's another type. I guess.

Luis super liked you. Damn. Respect. On the first of the year happy new year new year new me i like your hair and your skirts what's redacted what's the maybe name uh what's redacted do you like heroin that's wild i think i, that's an interesting question because, I mean, everyone likes Harry Potter. You know, it's kind of the big, for a while. Yeah. I think the question is more, that's maybe,

if you're going to pose it at all, 200th question. Definitely not the first one. Walk down the aisle, vows complete. Hey, by the way. Though, currently, I might be opening do you like magic the gathering yeah dropping it just so that we can get that out of the way i like that you know because if it's not going to work i don't want it to work uh mine is wait hold on i don't if it's not going to work i want to get those like deal breakers out of the way i put some i recently like

put some and maybe this is why I'm not getting any matches, I put some things that are probably deal breakers for people on my profile just because I feel like if you don't vibe with me, then you're not going to vibe with me. If you don't think the death penalty is pogchamp?

Yeah. All right. I'm going to read the background and then you can read for the message. This person happened to live the background and then you can read for the message. This person happened to live in the same hometown as me 20 years ago in the Midwest, and we've both since moved to a new city 1,800 miles away. And they happened to bully me as a kid just for us to match years later. Weird and funny cosmic coincidence. You look familiar. Did I throw sand at you at the sea lion water park in shared hometown 23 years ago by any chance 23 uh just make it around 20 because that makes it two percent less yeah he's like did i do this at lat long negative 173.1 yeah i was just checking gcal did i invite you along to a

sand session at sea lion i was just looking at my uh videos from my childhood did i dunk you in a toilet sea lion water park that's just the sea that's wild if i want to see lions i go to the water park okay the blue more likely well i want to read all of these but i guess we're gonna have to do that on our patreon exclusive bonus patreon.com slash sad boys it's called sad boys nights and it's an hour long most of the time and there's like 60 hours of it at least what is this and you can get it for as low as five dollars you're giving me the egg the slide we currently have up uh as a preview is nsfw slash very forward we're gonna read a bunch more these not just the NSFW ones but as a little teaser we might have to censor

some of this for YouTube but Jacob lay it on us this one this one we can read and bleep aspiring milf I'll cue that's nasty. Now, why would you say that? What was the goal here? So we're going to have more of those on Sad Boys Nights. But that is going to be the end of today's episode of Sad Boys. Thank you for joining us, everyone, today. I hope you enjoyed this. Thank you, everybody, who sent messages in.

Please send – well, let us know if you want to see more of this. Don't send them in yet because we aren't ready to accept them and then but what i am ready to accept is magic cards in our p.o box did i give you the egg we love you and we're sorry nsfw we don't mean visual nsfw in case people are watching no and we're talking about not so fucking white welcome to the show no it stands for nah san francisco wow san francisco wow it actually stands for never show fred wine yeah he has a problem he needs help yeah don't do that to him because he doesn't know what it looks like yeah

Gucci girl Gucci girl how you doing how you moving girl moving girl how she dead looking that future girl future girl

yeah we on now take my money go away all you wanted go too rich for me