Sad Boyz - The Episode Where We're Actually Sad

Episode Date: October 23, 2020

The Boyz Are Back and sadder than ever   Watch Us Live (Wednesday/Sunday/Friday) ► https://twitch.tv/sadboyzpod   Listen To Us! Spotify ▸ https://sadboyzpod.com/spotify Apple Podcasts ▸ https://sadboyzpod.com/itunes   Follow Us https://instagram.com/sadboyz https://twitter.com/sadboyz   Follow Jordan https://twitter.com/jordanadika https://instagram.com/jordanadika   Follow Jarvis https://twitter.com/jarvis https://instagram.com/jarvis   Outro music @prod.typhoon & @ysoblank

Do you think you could do the intro, Jordan? I'm wondering if I could like put you on the spot here. Yeah, absolutely. Do you think you could do it? With confidence. In fact, let me set an expectation for myself and the audience, because in this, the cold open, that I absolutely can 100% do the intro.

And if I do, I am the worst living human and you deserve to say so via DM. Which is great, because I won't. Because what I've been thinking about is like like you always get to do the fun intro where you like you know i always just say i'm jarvis and then you're like and i'm 9-11 was an inside job or whatever yeah that one i haven't pulled out yet but there's time yeah jordan give it a go give it a go okay and i do want to remind you it's not even, give it a go. Give it a go. Okay. And I do want to remind you, it's not even really giving it a go.

It's just getting it right because I will absolutely. You got this, buddy. I'm going to try and get the cadence too. Okay, cool. Yeah. I do start that way. I do go.

Yeah, it's a shame we stream now because previously on the non-stream episodes, you would take 15,20 minutes to get there I do vocal exercises and warm-ups I do a few jumping jacks I'd hear you outside You'd leave my apartment, go into the hallway And I'd just hear

I don't want to do this And then you would hear Oh no, you again Take that Again You want to smoke some weed I'll put you in the john wilkes booth that's like the davy jones locker but for presidents that's the timeout zone for abe lincoln if you get killed in a in a theater you put him in the theater alone but he's always

fearful of me dropping down from from the second story or whatever the fuck that man did injuring himself injuring himself whatever the fuck that man did. Injuring himself. Injuring himself. The worst thing that he did. That was the worst thing. The worst thing that he didn't stick the landing. All right.

I'm going to cast Jarvis Jutsu. J. Nice. That's cool. That's cool. We're going to serve. Did you just? Are you all right welcome to sad boys uh comedy podcast about feelings and other things also close i'm jordan and i'm uh disappointed should you be did i cock it up just a little bit but like it was close

it's funny because we have this like tagline that sad boys is a comedy podcast about feelings but the intro of sad boys we don't mention the comedy element because we don't want people to expect humor from us so it's just uh yeah it's just like for an inevitable l something along the lines of welcome to sad boys a podcast about feelings and other things as well i'm your host as well no it's not i was i was doing a whole i was i might have actually just jumped in yeah oh your nose is bleeding oh god someone and i can't say who it was you jordan oh no someone someone said on one of my videos i like this dude's content but man i cannot watch this shit i hate his mouth

and his mouth and the way that he sounds in it i do know what they're talking about my mouth moves weirdly around right like yeah i'm being hyper criticized by the internet so yeah but that's only because of your personality yeah yeah and my physical uh characteristics as well obviously yeah so it doesn't even need to be mentioned so the the the thing that they're talking about is one the fact that someone call it a lisp i would call it like my tongue doesn't go to the right place when i say s sounds it like kind of hangs in the middle and i kind of want to learn to fix it just to see if i can the other thing is that like the way my lip moves around my teeth freaks people out i guess because you know people just get upset about whatever so i don't know man it could probably just the things you're saying well you know what it's probably the things you aren't saying

you know what you aren't saying what's with these bloody liberals i mean hey you're looking for a bloody safe space bloody icu i'll let you put you on pretty safe in there i'll put you on there yeah do you think we'll ever have to do a clarification that the show is not just because we are sad it's because we we hold the capacity to be sad yeah i think i feel like it's more about normalizing feelings in general all of them yeah that's true maybe that's what the show should be called normalizing feelings in general boys comma boys you should be run back the intro yeah sure i'm then i'm confident i can get it right this well i think i'll take this one oh yeah now that the title is longer and welcome to normalizing feelings in general boys a podcast about feelings in general i'm general

jarvis am i still jordan i mean for this version it's up to you thus concludes why are people being so mean to me i don't know why except for i do i mean you know you make stuff on the internet people criticize you for basically every aspect of your person so but it has like outside of in the moment kind of stuff or oh they they touched on something i know i was insecure about and so it's it's raised it again or at least validated it in some way. Or even just the topics come up, so I feel bad. Outside of that kind of stuff, has it ever given you one? Like, have you ever like, oh, wow, I had like no idea I was African-American?

Oh, no. I think that like I'm so hyper aware of myself that like, I mean, one funny thing is that I think I sent this comment to you is that people really think I'm unaware of myself, which is, which is interesting. So for example, wait, what a fucking joy that would be. I know I would kill. I would honestly privilege. Well, I mean, there's a number of comments about how I talk over you, which is like, honestly, now that I've looked into it most of it is done the research most of it is it's the latency yeah like i it's absolutely the latency i do the same but i think generally just because i'm sort of your co-host and i'm flavor i think it just happens

more the other way i i mean i would say that we're both co-hosts for the record but there i because i'm doing the recording my usually things are like set to my time and then you're the one with lags i like truly i prefer it i like i think absolutely we're equal co-hosts yeah yeah i'm the muscle the looks the intelligence and you're sort of my little i need something to make fun of something to cyber bully something to bounce off yeah i genuinely do like being sort of the i don't know the a little like the color right like just the throwing my thought in i'm not good at building narrative like we're talking about like a shane thing i jump around a little too much it's like very nice i don't know i i trust you i trust you

with this stuff i think i just naturally am like i'm naturally nervous about the dead air or whatever and trying to like make sure that things nervous about the dead air or whatever and trying to like make sure that things are staying on the rails or whatever but it's also hard because there is a latency so i mean it even affects oh yeah it even affects us when we're cutting like editing the show have you ever had to like engage or chosen to engage with super i don't even want to say negative but like somewhat well constructed negative feedback constructive criticism don't even the medium obviously we have at work or environments where that's actively encouraged but i mean stranger on the internet kind of stuff i'm thinking specifically in the vein of like somebody mentioned i think after like episode five or six

of arc somebody was like there's a lot of um in the show and then i was like there is a lot of um in the show but i think it's partially we're getting used to that style of improv and trying to fill dead air when ultimately like our show in the vein of arcs can have some dead air or you know there's dramatic pace to it and i say 50 times less ums and errs that i used to because i i'm aware of it now having edited myself right i'm very aware of how often I um and ah, but I still do it because it's natural for me. I'm kind of trying to train myself out of it, but it involves me actually thinking about what I'm going to say before I say it, which isn't really how I operate, isn't how my ADHD brain operates.

But I do get a lot of comments about my ums. It was something I became super aware of when I began editing Sad Boys. Like the first episode, the first like 26 episodes of the show, I edited myself. And so I became hyper acquainted with my speech patterns. And I would cut a lot of the stuff out because I could kind of craft the version of myself that I wanted to be because it was audio. And if we did that in video, there would be a lot of, you know, cuts back and forth, but people give me shit for the,

um, people give me shit for a lot of things actually. But I mean, I think I'm fine. Do you have a motivated by online interactions or not totally relevant? You have a specific, I'm working on this and I'm not worried by it, but it's the one that's in frame right now. That's the one that I want to improve on by the end of the year or whatever uh not physical trait emotional verbal i don't know or behavioral i think i'm just like hyper aware of everything and always working on everything so there's not something in particular that i think about in fact i i wish i was more deliberate about things but i guess right now one thing that I want to do in life is just to think a little bit ahead of starting to talk. Because there's an ADHD pattern, and I'm not going to put it entirely on ADHD.

But talking ahead of your thoughts is definitely a thing I fall into. It feels a little bit like discovering. You know what I mean? It's a little like spelunking you go into the cave and you have no idea what it is you're trying to find but then you're constantly innovating oh this little this little slippy slide bit wasn't what i was expecting so let's figure out a way to get down it this hole's smaller than i thought i was i'll go through it and then oh my god pirates treasure there's just constant discovery and i can't really imagine another way of being but i do know that that's in part a dhd thing that's definitely how i feel about it i think of it like a guitar hero solo in my head when when i'm like

filling out i'm like hitting all the notes and i'm like oh shit i'm still making sense that's wild like i'm still piecing together it's one that you're doing for like the sixth time yeah like not super versed but somewhat confident so there have definitely been times when i finished a sentence that was like a paragraph long because that's become my my grand in conversation where i've gone damn and i made sense the whole time. Fucking sick, bro. While they're applying to it, they just see you going like, bro. Yeah, man. I think, yeah, to answer your question slightly differently, I also talk too much. I think it's something I struggle with. I always have my thoughts are going a million miles a minute and I have so many things that I want to say at once, it's sometimes very difficult to order those

things. And I just feel like I need to keep getting it all out or else I'll lose it. And that's something that I don't like about myself. It's hard to hold it in because I'm afraid that I'll lose it. And I think that in my head, it's so valuable to say it, but it's probably not. Oh, I was going to read a comment. This is about, well, this is just about, it's probably not oh i was gonna read a comment this is about well this is just about you know it's like this stuff doesn't weigh that heavily on me it's just it's just more it's just more learning about myself this is a why is everybody it was a why is everybody being so mean to me but it was a comment or maybe the segment's evolving into you know what i'm starting to see why everybody's being so mean to me yeah most people who are leaving these comments don't

expect that they will be read so that's like something to keep in mind if you're an up-and-coming creator and you're getting like bad comments on the internet most people don't expect them to be read and if you ever confront somebody who writes one of these comments they're always so apologetic you know yeah or they they're just like oh my god i didn't think you'd see that okay so this is a this is a comment on one of the sad boys videos jarvis let him finish his thoughts and sentences we get that you're excited but it's coming off So this is a comment on one of the Sad Boys videos. Jarvis, let him finish his thoughts and sentences. We get that you're excited, but it's coming off rude and narcissistic.

You don't seem to care about his thoughts and feelings input at all. It makes it seem as though he's just the fall guy for you to bounce things off of instead of a partner of a co-hosted podcast. It's obvious that you don't realize this but please open your eyes to it and i'm like wow please please do tell me about myself i'm not hyper aware of this already it's fascinating because we've talked about it like a couple of times because it's it's comments about both of us have been coming up more or like comments about the show have been coming up more because we're putting it now on a forum where there's way more people talking about it and it comes with a speed speaking area yeah like getting podcast feed thoughts to someone is there's like 18 steps to do that so doing it for this show has never been nearly as easy as it is now especially

since we're very hyper aware of the videos themselves i mean i'm reading every comment yeah currently and i don't intend to do that at least as much yeah i mean i you ever would when you put something out right at the beginning yeah i read every comment on my channel for like a really long time now i just like kind of choose to dip in and dip out whenever like for your videos in particular do you see a lot of the same comments and they provide no value is that why no it's more just like i'd say there's a part of it that's self-preservation because i feel like i should only read comments when i'm like prepared to like see comments when I'm like prepared to like see something I don't like because I don't want like my attention to be hijacked by

something. It's just a lot to constantly be checking in on. So if I ever need some dopamine or whatever, I'll do that. I'll open up the thing and I'll refresh and I'll see if someone said some stuff. But I also have a weird like with messages and things sometimes. I was DMing somebody today who's a friend of mine and I didn't want to see their reply, which was weird. And so I just exited Instagram before they replied. And I was like, why don't I want to see their reply? It's going to be positive. It was like like, I just couldn't, it was like social anxiety, but for, but for the internet, you know, I have to assume there's a through line conditionally because that happens so often to me and the few other people that I know that also suffer with ADHD. I should say, I feel like ADHD specifically as a conversational point,

though it does come up on the show, right? It's almost moved down in priority because there's other conditions, contextual or just mental health wise that have taken priority and i to be honest with you i think that's partially because there's still a tiny little bit of me that's insecure about what people think adhd is so it's almost like i get a pass on bipolar too it's like oh bipolar too i mean that's a real disease it's something to work on but i genuinely i was chatting my mom about it the other day she's staying with me obviously through covid stuff and she is engaging with it in a way she's never been able to before not because she had a lack of care or lack of skill in doing so just lack of exposure i was very conscious about withdrawing from sharing it and you know geography

was a big part of it yeah we have not spent this much time on in the same space since i was like 18 you know it's been a very very long time we haven't spent this much time in the same space since I was 18. It's been a very, very long time. We haven't spent this much time in the same country since I was 18. There's a real, oh, this is how it works. This is the pattern that it takes. This is how you self-medicate in good or bad ways. And I was talking to her yesterday and I was like, you know what?

Honestly, ADHD is more of a problem in my life. Yeah. It is. It creates more intimate day to day frustration struggle that can then trigger loops, bad loops. We didn't really get into weak stuff. What's up, dude? Because I do the opening to things now. I segment the show.

Oh, I see. What do you normally say? Like, hey, what's your fucking deal, bro? Yeah. What's my welcome to our new segment called? What's your fucking deal bro yeah what's my welcome to our new segment called what's your fucking deal bro the fucking deal man i don't know i've had a very busy couple of days i'd say like maybe the last like five or five or so days where i've been working on the podcast a lot working on videos a lot to the point point where I'm not getting a ton of sleep. Basically, I'm waking up, working until I'm exhausted,

going to the couch, falling asleep, and then doing it again. And I don't love it, but it's also working towards something that I really... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It kind of boiled to a head yesterday, which is when my video was supposed to come out. So video was lagging. We had the Danny show, the Danny recording on Sunday, and everything was going well. But just a combination of work stuff where I'm coordinating stuff between a lot of people and also trying to be creative in my own right and needing to commit a significant number of hours to editing my video it just felt very overwhelming like I didn't have time for anything

and then like sort of the other night like Monday night I think I get a call from Sadie at like 11 p.m. where it's like hey can we do like do like a self tape tomorrow for something, which is like an audition, but like remotely, but where you tape it, and then you send it off. And it was for like a commercial where we had to like eat wings. And pretend I was for both of you. Yeah, it's a couple like, because I've been doing a couple of couples auditions with her because they're coming up. And I'm, you know, I can do the job. And so I can kind of help her with that. But it was the thing where I was like, I woke up at six and I was like editing my video all day. And then I was running behind and then Sadie came over and we were like supposed to have a

Savoys meeting and I was supposed to have another meeting. I had therapy and I kind of like missed everything just like doing the self tape, like trying to navigate video stuff. I had therapy and I kind of like missed everything. Just like doing the self-tape, like trying to navigate video stuff. I had like a brand deal on that video. So it was just like a deadline that I couldn't really miss. So it was just like a lot. Today was the first day that didn't have that much time pressure to it. So it was pretty relaxing. I just like had a normal work day.

And we're just about to kick up the anxiety about where the next video is coming from. Because all of my ideas that I have are like, the world is in a very dark place right now. And I kind of want to do something lighthearted. But I don't have any lighthearted ideas right now that I'm ready to work on because the next handful of ideas are all kind of have a subtext at the very least of like the world's still on fire. So I'm going to worry about that. That's tomorrow's problem. So overall, I'd say Mope's score is maybe 50%. It's also like things are going to be fine. I'm really like so many good things, so many good things are happening. It's just like, and all the work is for,

like it's very fulfilling. And so it's not like a burnout risk or anything like that. It's more just needed to make sure I take care of myself and focus on like the other aspects of life than just work. But we have very similar patterns of needing not outside validation. It's not like I have to get this video or podcast out because then people will say nice things and that made me feel good. It like, I have to get this video or podcast out because then people will say nice things

and that'll make me feel good. It's, I have to get this video out, I have to get this episode out because I am an agent human in the world and I believe in myself and I will not fail because I fucking slap. And that would go counter that. That's evidence that I don't slap.

You know what I mean? Is there a sense that it's a little more along the lines of i've got a date i love my girlfriend we got a date and then we're gonna go to the movies tomorrow morning but in between those two i'm hosting the bachelor party night and then obviously on wednesday i'm going swimming before that i go to get breakfast with someone it's like all of these things are things that i like yeah all of these things are things that i independently maybe not entirely by myself brought into my life but things that i like. All of these things are things that I independently, maybe not entirely by myself brought into my life, but things that I understand the value of and

wanted to do on some level. But there's just chemically not the juice to enjoy it or feel like you're succeeding in all of it. I would say, yeah. I think for me, it's a situation where let's say I'm essentially, I have all these obstacles in the way and I'm drawing a line through all of them to get to the end goal or whatever. When I run late behind that meticulous plan, it starts to introduce stress because then I'm trying to figure out how to move the Tetris blocks in real time rather than planning it out ahead of time. and it becomes hard for me to be in the moment adhd brain i guess but just worrying about the next thing and the next thing and the next thing i just have to take a take a stop take a break and just like think for a few minutes and

just like breathe and then i kind of get back get back into it okay jordan enough about me we've had like a little bit of a jarvis sad corner. And I like it. I like the vibe, to be honest. I'm enjoying the... It's why I like the show so much, just for our benefit. There's something really cathartic about it. Yeah. It jumps to mind why I don't really propagate that feedback about you interrupting me or

dominating the conversation in that way. Because, hey, we don't do that kind of nicety. That's not the way that we are instinctually. And it's also not what we, you know, for want of a better phrase are trained to do like we come from career and personal backgrounds where that gets beaten the fuck out of us those you know using a compliment sandwich or just saying no when somebody has feedback it's just we know they don't work yeah putting them in our lives and we you know i care about this show if i was worried that it was affecting the show i would absolutely say for sure yeah completely selfishly selfishly selfish yeah it's not an issue for me it's in

fact something that i get worried about and worried about me doing just as we should it we should always be aware of it but number two it's something that i would want to do for your personal benefit oh yeah you cared about it like this is a show where i would probably say it in the show right that is what this show could do and for sure there's no better setting for it i mean you might be even more liable um all right jordan how was your week give me a mope score and let me know how your week's been and thank you for saying that by the way of course i think one of the reasons also that i we talk about a lot of this stuff on the show and why there's always so much back to happen we're

always finding our way through the conversation a big chunk of that also is the fact that we don't have a lot of time to talk outside of it yeah it's actually very helpful to have it committed i would say that we we this is the most we've talked in years yeah yeah yeah like the i think that there was like a period where we weren't talking a lot and it was was definitely concerning to me just because I really value our friendship. But I think it was kind of post you going back to the UK and then me having a bunch of whatever my own shit that I was stressed out about that I just found myself very... I kind of tend to isolate and not reach out to anyone. And I've tried to make a habit of reaching out to the people I care about because the alternative is seeing my friend's names come up in something and go like, oh man, I've really been neglecting

that person that I care about. So I'm really grateful for the show. I think the nice thing about the show is we kind of had this thing very, very early. It's like before anyone listened to it where we were like, it's kind of like rain rain or shine let's do the show so even though i don't feel amazing i'm also like confident that i'll come back around you know yeah because i always the stream helps do you feel that way as well like the fact that we commit to a stream yeah it's gospel like i feel i do i do like it i do yeah and you know it's not comedy bang bang, right? For sure. The show is not worse for it. Like, in some ways it benefits from us being a little downtrodden. You know, this is sad boys hours.

Literally. We're, like, a little sadder. It's funny that I pointed out at some point, are we going to have to acknowledge that we're not always sad and that's not what the show title means. And it's, like, there's one of the saddery moments. Yeah, for sure. But it's also, like, I guess the way I would describe for sure but it's also like i guess the way i would

describe it is it's like it's raining outside you know what i mean like it's raining right now it's fine it you know the sun will come out tomorrow and all that jazz i do like that the show kind of has that has that range but we kind of got off topic you were talking about your week and giving us a mope score oh yeah mope scoresope scores. Oh, sorry. Just to tie up that last thread. I would say that streaming is great. The one thing that I need to get better at with streaming, like if I want to improve that, is that there are so many things to pay attention to when I'm streaming

that I have to work really hard to just focus on the conversation because otherwise it's difficult to be present. So because i'm serving as like the producer of the show as well as the like co-host or whatever i i want to reduce the amount of time i need to like be a producer and like duck out of the conversation to like fix something or like look at the chat or whatever so how do you feel about long term most likely in person if there's no immediate solution let? Let's say I'm back in February of next year when we're recording in person and we're recording through mics or maybe even just through that like plastic PPE.

That could be fun. Oh, no, for sure. When we're finally doing that, how would you feel about like just looping somebody? Oh, yeah. Engineer. Oh, yeah, that would be that would be great. And even like I thought about doing it for our streams, but it just makes sense to stream from my computer directly. But if anybody doesn't know what a Mope Score is,

it's pretty self-explanatory. It's a percentage. I think I got confused originally. So I will just say it's a percentage from zero to 100%. Yes. 100% being, I genuinely need help. This is not a sustainable position to be in, even for maybe a day.

And then zero percent being wow zero percent being functionally impossible yeah that's true especially right now it's aspirational like dream five percent is cruising five percent is cruising i've lows of 40 percent highs of 80 for a little it's like a forecast yesterday was a real oh okay it's like the whole week i see yeah yeah it's very yeah we should put up a uh we should put up a graphic of like your week and then like the different scores the course of the year i have like a little emoji that represents each high and low and the higher it goes the more eggplant you know we're joking but there is a mood tracker app and i bet they have an api and i bet we could make something happen i'm not gonna commit to this

right now because i have enough work on my plate but it's it's definitely possible that could be a fun like for one episode down the line we do it for a week and then that sunday we we talk about it yeah that would be fun yeah i in the last five days i've slept twice with the exception of an hour nap what yeah it's a super super classic full hypermanic episode kind of thing and the two biggest triggers for continued hypermanic episodes are one poor sleep and two major emotional up and downs contextually so by bipolar two manifesting hypermanic episodes is in the loosest possible sense, do-do-do-do-do-do from chemicals only. The triggers come in the form of living poorly, contextual things taking place,

those up and downs coming because of events instead of just like raw function and chemistry. Those issues, I should say, there was a nice, actually, a two and a half hour nap in between those. And then last night was the one where I slept. That was the second actually a two and a half hour nap in between those and then last night was the one where I slept the that was the second full okay cool the other stuff right after the drew app because it's Thursday for me and we did have drew good on the podcast I actually have gotten a number of people asking me where the drew episode is and I'm like I don't know if this is a bit I don't know if it's a bit or not. Yeah.

Right after the Drew Gonzalez episode on Sunday. Big high. Danny Gooden episode. So fun. Yeah. The Danny Gooden. The DG. Let's just say that.

The Curtis Conner episode. I decided to just kind of follow that momentum and be excited about it because I've been in a bit of a slump for a while, which is also typically the setup right before the Hypermatic episode. And it was just the biggest one in months or maybe maybe not maybe not months but like uh biggest one since i found out that i my visa had been double screwed by h1b's being put away a double uno reverse card yeah and then it was like get a visa or collect 40 and i was like i know and i didn't know what i

wanted anymore do not pass go and now you're also playing Monopoly. And also you didn't get a visa. Separately you're just playing Monopoly for fun. Yeah, that hit that just came this last weekend was nuts. And a lot of it was contextual and a lot of it came from big mopey lows for 12 hours, big weird highs for 12 hours. It was just really odd. And it's petered out as we get

for this pod but i mean i i woke up at 5 p.m yesterday and i am now awake at 4 a.m this time because that's when we record the show yeah what time is it at 6 a.m but wake up at 4 a.m to the thing yeah usually and it's fine now i feel like by this evening i'm going to be able to realist re-establish the normal routine. But that was almost scary. And it was the frustrating kind too, because it had so much depression in it that I wasn't even getting stuff done.

Nice thing about Hypermania on the rare occasions, like you bang out 40 graphics, everything's ready to go. Shit, I wrote three screenplays. That at least is something. And the screenplay's manic and boring. It's like, oh no think I have five studio meetings What did I do last week?

I think I sold a screenplay. Yeah shit what I do Fuck dude, is this real estate? So yeah, I think I started a tech company. I think I did pass Wow, I collected $400 that being said I am feeling relatively balanced now and i don't even want to promise myself that i can guarantee that won't happen in the near future it's just you know it's happening and we're you know we're playing yeah playing the game as we see it you know yeah that's interesting golf ball lands where you put it and then you do a birdie i put myself an analogy i know that's i mean it it. Nine wood to a good driving thing.

It's just like they say in curling. Nine wood. Putt. Put the puck in the house. I don't know. We both did Give Me a Secret or Share Any Secrets You're Interested in Confession things this last week. How was your experience with it? It was cool.

I actually, I definitely want to do it again. It was very humanizing and just like very grounding to see people's shit, you know, like seeing people's things that they're ashamed of, seeing a lot of like myself in this kind of thing, giving a lot of advice. I wrote to so many people about their trials and tribulations. It was very cool, you know, because it's like easy to imagine your audience as like a number but actually interacting with like an individual makes you like more aware of like the full person behind it and i think that that's always a good thing how about you it was hard yeah i also really really liked it i'm really glad i did it i'd like to say i wish i'd put more

answers but i don't think i really had the fortitude for it. Like I balancing the, the meme responses, which can be fun with the very sincere stuff is nice, but there was, I was, you know, I was expecting maybe,

maybe 40, maybe 50, but lately there's been growth on my socials, but there's also, that's also a very compelling thing to put up. So there was like a good 350, 360 in there. It was an Xbox 360.

And I just, you wanted to go PS3. I replied to a lot of people. Yeah. Xbox got no games. I did reply to a lot of people directly, but there was just, I just couldn't get to everything.

And there was some where the motif of the question or the statement were very, very similar. But I replied to a couple, or I think two about being in the closet and being harassed because of it a number of things about coming out the closet and being supported that way but two specifically about that and on the second one i just i just did the video one where i was like hey here's the resource that i should just because a i felt completely completely fucking out of my depth but b i couldn't bear to say nothing to the 50 ans 50 responses that were that and at the same time it's some of them were far more intricate and i didn't know what to do

with those and if that was one of yours i do apologize but there were some that were followed up with like very specific questions and really emotionally poignant what's nice is a lot of them were dms and so i can get to them later right i just have to think about them and if anybody is feeling like they might have sent me something inappropriate not one person did i read every single one of them so 100% so i'm jealous but uh yeah well they were also all from me that does make sense well actually no there was one or two somebody several people said they had sex dreams that i was in okay well i mean i got none of those so take that as not even you didn't see mine maybe the instagram algorithm took it away oh i was gonna kind of go back to your sleep situation

because i i wanted to know jealous sleep is very important, obviously. And I probably lost far less sleep overall than you did. But I just noticed how impaired I feel when I haven't had a lot of sleep. Even right now, when I haven't been sleeping regularly, I'm moodier. I'm more irritable. It's easier for me to get sad because I don't have like energy to defend those like negative thought patterns and things from coming up do you have the same relationship with like sleep missing it because I know that like the entire time that I've known you you've had like a complicated relationship with sleep some bordering on adversarial so I was curious about that yeah that was a lifelong thing to me until i found this

uh medication that my psych prescribed me where i suddenly started to appreciate what a full night sleep was sometimes i get sad about stuff like this from like man i wish that little boy had that there's a slightly lighter timeline where he did and at the same time it's like well i didn't find out until what 2018 late 2018 and i was already in my career. I'd already, you know, I was clearly not heavily hamstringed by it. So that helps. I'd achieved the things that most of the things I wanted to, it did not feel like a sad, dark timeline kind of story, which it can be for a lot of people. So I acknowledge that sleep has always been, yeah, it's always been an enemy, always been a nemesis. And I'm still not very

comfortable with the solution that I have, despite the fact that i've had it for about a year because i'm phobic of sleep at this point i'm irrationally phobic of sleep despite the fact that i have a medical solution for it that unlike many other medications is available in the uk it's just as easy to get while i'm out of the us it's very reliable it never doesn't work and i i don't do it 40 of the time and that i don't do it and then i wake up and i go oh fucking what am i doing why i should have just done it my frustration comes from not being able to do that's that's the like yeah it's not having enough gas in the tank and opening up like a script and starting to write it and or like opening up working on a song that's

that's the really frustrating one because that's the one that isn't supposed to take as much cognition or like rational thought you just do what feels right right and just not being able to do it just operating it at 60 that's that's the like fuck dude it's like in college where you would just spend every dollar that you had you never even looked at your atm and you're just like i'm such a fucking idiot because you made the choice. Yeah. And it could have happened for a million different reasons. But that feeling of, God damn it.

Imagine how fun this like hangout I'm having with my friends right now would be if I slept or been kind to myself. That's something I struggle with a lot is like executive function or executive dysfunction. You know, like knowing exactly what you need to do and then not being able to do it. It's a very critical element of like ADHD symptom. I watched this talk about how it helps for people with ADHD to create structures around their life that adds those immediate consequences. That way you don't, you're not like kind of wasting away in inaction but it's very hard to need to create that sort of environment for like every type of task that you're doing in your life oh yeah and all you want to do to fix it not even fix it but like all you want to to

comfort yourself with is the ability to do so do it like that's the ask i feel unable to do things being kind to yourself doesn't work taking a bath yeah smoking some weed like there isn't just the quick solution what you want to be able to do is go no fuck off me yeah yeah i can dude actually watch me do it right now dude and you can't actually at all the one anecdote that is very indicative of this is like my first semester of college i took pretty easy classes but i took very few of them because I didn't know what college was like and no one was really helping me through it. Because I was taking the minimum classes, I had so much free time that I ended up getting the worst grades I got in college and nearly lost my scholarship. And every semester after that, I took close to the maximum credit hours for college.

The next time I took the maximum credit hours, I took four of the most demanding classes in my major and I got straight A's. And it was because there was no option other than to do the things that I needed to do. And I kind of need that structure, those guardrails in order to get me to like convince my brain to perform it's also like why i'm good at tests because like it's kind of like this game time mentality where you're my brain kind of clicks in and can actually function that's our podcast adhd boys hey here we are we're back we're still no good that's like that should be the new wrap-up while the you know the past several days were fucking buck wild as far as my mental health were going i'm more or less leveled out now and and i would say you're struggling more with the exhaustion oh yeah i'm just all i am is tired

like as soon i'm just gonna sleep like a full night's sleep tonight and tomorrow and i'll probably be i'll probably be good anyway let's move on to something more fun. I don't have anything more fun, but I'm hoping you do, Jordan. Let's do every drug. But legit, actually, I want to emphasize that. But legit, like whip them out. Legit, dude. Let's fucking... You have your crack pipe, right?

Oh, for sure. Amazon it for you. Oh, no, I use this white claw can that I just like... Wow. ...pull it out. That's why you were drinking it. There is something weirdly off about shotgunning a white claw. Oh my God.

It feels wrong. The balance is off. We should do, I've always wanted to do Drunk Boys. Like one episode where we do get a little, we both do tequila shots. I feel like this is something that we talked about a million years ago. I know the first episode of the podcast, we drank like rosé or something. Yeah, yeah first chunk we used to do that from time to time yeah that was a whole thing we had like we would always get like rosé that had fun like pink labeling and stuff i that was a point in my life where i was a little too dependent on it as well which i later learned was was incredibly common self-medication for both adhd and bipolar oh yeah which is which tell you what

we talked about this a little while ago but there's something really validating about finding out that you were doing something bad not bad but you were doing something fucked up for a common thing yeah like hearing yeah actually that's very very common to do that thing that you shouldn't do but the reason that you did it was because a lot of people do it as opposed to hey dog you were you were weak or just dumb or just self-involved uh it freed me of i don't know i have a little guilt over i don't know we've never talked about it much i don't know no i actually it was news to me i think i wanted to bring that up last time you brought it but it wasn't something that i

was directly aware of no it was around the time that sad boys was wrapping up which is actually probably indicative of why. I was hanging out with people less and less and I was getting more stressed at work and my mental health was hitting me like a freight train in a way that I'd never really known before. Yeah. And my visa was a thing at the time as well,

which obviously that one didn't pan out in a negative way, nor did any, and I'm just fine. Yeah, not at all. I'm good actually, dude. And I just drank a lot. And I don't mean socially. I mean, to the degree where alcohol is now a thing I have to be very cautious with.

I don't have it in the house generally. And it was not always, the thing is now I don't drink to excess, but there was a period of time there with probably once, maybe twice a week, I would, at the worst point, just drink and like so much, I would just throw up

and then I would just go to work the next day. I would drink like two-thirds of a yay big maker's mark that I bought an hour earlier and like just because there was just that I get home from work and I can't feel anything like I literally can't feel anything and the frustration and anger that came with that and the guilt vague asymmetrical guilt that doesn't seem to line up with any rationale or thing that has happened. Yeah. It was just really frustrating. And there were only about three months where it was that bad. And then just on the other side, there was just, you know, I'd get drunk maybe four times a week at home. And it was, I remember looking back near the end of it where I just, my life had improved contextually until it was easier to deal with it. That was,

it was basically 2017. Yeah. This year that was kind of fucked up. And I remember getting to the end of it and being like, wait, have I like drank the legal, not allowed to drive limit every single day for a year? Like I was just looking at it. I was like, I think we're 10 months deep

to drinking more than most do when they go to a pub. Yeah. That was, yeah, I don't know i don't have any real pain about it that's the funny thing it it helped getting getting talking about it with my psych and putting it in its place and now also booze doesn't have the effect i mean that's the really important thing that was that was the weird realization i would like he said this thing where i never understood how somebody could just have a drink finish it and then continue having a conversation without just being like looking at the bar like just needing to get another one instantly which I still hold on to to a degree because you know

it's habit really and also I'm half Irish and now I look at that and I go like yeah I could do with another one I guess but that feeling of like freedom yeah that like oh fuck the serotonin's back boys let's fucking go yeah yeah just not there anymore and it's it's a very different experience i would be curious to hear some point down the down the line when we do a episode that's closer to it i mean we can talk about this episode or not we can talk about anything but i do kind of want to hear people they can dm me if they want i'm curious to hear people that have struggled with a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental health condition and have alcohol is played into that in some way for even a short term yeah amount of time because i find it fascinating yeah no i think it also comes up a lot with adhd i don't know the same relation i just didn't talk about that with my psych but i

see what in particular drinking in general oh yeah i think like anything that like both uppers and downers are common for like self-medmedicating ADHD because of the different ways that it affects your brain. So alcohol can slow you down, whereas you have fewer of those intrusive thoughts or whatever. Whereas something like an upper improves like dopamine reception i i'm not a i'm not a doctor but my understanding is it makes you like like one of the problems with adhd is that you're like dopamine receptors are not as effective at like getting getting the goods or whatever so like stimulants can help with that and it's a compulsive behavior yeah at some point especially when you've had a few and any compulsive behavior yeah it's hyperdrive yeah it's nice to be able to go like, I want a goal, a thing that I can get and achieve and have like a little win.

And then it makes me feel good, theoretically. I've noticed it also, by the way, when I came back, we stayed with my extended family for a beat, which was very difficult. That might have been the most depressing I've ever been in my life. So I just got back from the US. Nothing made sense.

I couldn't do my job my body was falling apart i was feeling physically unhealthy and to be honest with you it was a very difficult house to live in it was like living in a house of people getting a divorce the because we just don't have a great relationship with the extended family yeah it was at a maximum head and we were there for 10 weeks it was literal fucking torture uh the only thing that got me through was hanging out with my younger cousin playing call of duty for 15 hours a day like there was a certain point where it really was like that but i'm i'm glad i did it because my katie's fucking sick true i'm training honestly you're you're beating keyboard kids with your fucking xbox controller i don't think i realized how because

my mom doesn't drink at all not because it was ever an issue in her life it just didn't really develop in that way i didn't realize how much of a thing it was in my family yeah like it's it's there and it's there for sure at least for one specific member of my family who's a middle-aged member of my family not except my direct peer but i see i can almost see a dark timeline version of myself to a degree because it's someone who never was diagnosed never guided through it when they learned about me having it was like naturally deliberately resistant to it because it's big if right oh my god if that's the case i've lost my life to it like that uh they drink a lot every single day and this is the irish side yeah yeah and they are it was like seeing it from the outside for the first time there would be these long periods of time where they were just

really really low and then they would have a night where long periods of time where they were just really really low and then they would have a night where they got or rather where they were relatively effective and then they would have a night where they got extra drunk and they would fall out of whatever slump they had and it would be fun to be around they were feeling good and the next day they wouldn't just be hung over the hangover would stick around for about four days and four days to a week is historically how long a rapid cycle depression comes in bipolar two sometimes it's very variable but there was it was it was textbook dude like it was it was almost surreal like without with almost no aberrations to the general like you just read the the medical handbook yeah and there was like was like this, this real pain to God,

I want to fucking shake it out of you. Like I want to throw you in a doctor's office and have you be receptive to it. But just as much as I'm worried, some people in the chat or some people that just listened to the show or have diagnosed conditions, but don't push on finding at least some kind of CBT solution. Yeah. I just,

just, just find out. Don't lose years. Don't lose time to it right now if you if you have access you know like yeah and it's like i guess better help or something like that might just like whatever resources you have access to like if you have an internet connection like maybe online resources but if you do have health care if you do have you know like if you don't live in the u.s and there's a reasonable health care system a lot of people have access to free therapy i learned that that exists in australia which is

like you have a number of sessions that are just like there for free and i'm like oh america is uh the dark the darkest timeline australia also got rid of it all of its guns when there was a mass shooting they were like oh wait that's very bad i guess well wait was that new zealand and they were right because i think that was like jacinda ardern right he did that oh that no so that was very recently oh i see early 2000s i see yeah my my uh world history doesn't go back far enough no need america number one america best american exceptionalism republican strong means we're exceptional austral, it's something of a heaven, but a lot of my friends that live there are like,

hey, you nailed it on this stuff. Maybe be a little less racist. Yeah. Maybe just a bit. Great on the guns. Just a bit. Just a skosh. Yeah, would you mind actually just not being racist?

I would like that. Can you not? Very much. Cool. I'm liking this up, dude. I'm liking the energy a lot. I don't know if that makes me a emotional pervert uh do you want to wrap up the show oh yeah we've got to do that wait do i have

to do it yeah give it a go give it a go jordan great because i can and it's not an issue because i do know how to do it you know so i mean this many episodes it would be insane if i didn't know how to do this and we like to end sad Boys with a particular phrase. Oh, I forgot. We do have fun. We do have fun. We like to finish... I fucked it. I nailed it, dude.

I fucking nailed it, bro. Shit, don't clip that. Please don't clip it. I'm begging you. Where's the button? I'm just leading you. Stop that, bro. We love you. Stop that, bro. We love you.

And we're sorry. Gucci girl. Gucci girl. How you doing? How you moving, girl? Moving, girl. How you dead looking? That future girl.

Future girl. Yeah, we on now. Take my money. Go away. All you wanted. Go to rich for me.