Sad Boyz - Try Not To Cry (w/ Courtney Miller)

Episode Date: October 24, 2025

Courtney joins the boys to discuss internet culture shifts, spending time alone vs showing up for your friends, and imposter syndrome. ⁠Go to https://www.Zocdoc.com/SADBOYZ to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. #sponsored Sad Boyz Nightz 136: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠100+ bonus episodes on Patreon⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠✨find us everywhere✨⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 00:00:00 Courtney Miller! 00:04:36 Courtney's Podcast URL 00:09:15 Serial Killer Stans 00:12:17 Courtney as Taylor Swift 00:16:19 Evolution of Internet Culture 00:17:54 Sponsored By ZocDoc 00:19:43 Rage Sells 00:25:26 Gut Reactions & Vulnerability 00:33:47 2008 Core 00:39:19 Time Alone & Social Life 00:51:24 Imposter Syndrome 01:14:11 ADHD 01:16:31 Sad Boyz Nightz 🎬 CREW 🎬 Hosted by Jarvis Johnson and Jordan Adika Produced & Edited by Jacob Skoda Produced by Anastasia Vigo Thumbnail design by @yungmcskrt Outro music by @prod.typhoon & @ysoblank Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I had a dream that I was tweezing my eyebrows and then a friend asked me to drive them somewhere. And as we were getting ready to go, there was this bug. And it was like a really big, wide bug that looked like a playing mantis. But then it would, as a defense mechanism, have needles come out that were like this long and everywhere. And you get pricked and we're like, oh my God. And then my cats came in and I was like, okay, it won't do that in front of the cats. Are we in the car? No, we're not in the car.

No, we're not in the car. A friend was asking, Olivia on our cast was asking me to drive her somewhere. I was about to get my car. The bug is there. And the cats come in and the needles go away. I was like, oh, so it's scared of the cats. Okay, cool. But then it starts turning into a cat and growing in size and became a cat.

And I was like, no, no, no. And then the cat started turning into a child and shouting gibberish at me. And then I start filming it because I'm trying to get into trouble. And in the dream, I'm filming this now child that's yelling and like not like, I think it's because I'm like, my mind. I'm like, oh, it's a bug. It doesn't know English. so it can't speak at me.

So I'm filming this little child going, you can't speak. You're like holding up cards trying to speak to the end. Because then like the spike problem went away when it transformed into a cat. Right, yeah, they went away. It just turned into a gray and white cat.

Now you just have a kid. And now I have a kid. And I'm like filming it saying, you can't speak English. Like what's happening? So podcast about feelings and other things also. I'm Jarvis.

I'm Jordan. And we're joined. We heard a true story recently about someone, who was accosted by a bug that turned into a cat. We're laughing through the pain, but it's... From being able to take their friend somewhere. They were taking you somewhere?

I was going to take them somewhere. I also, that was my first time I ever woke myself up with a scream. Courtney Miller, everybody. So that was really hard. That is really hard. Winging up with the screams, how you know it's like a vision. Not a dream. Like it was real.

And it was the first time where I was just, I think I went, blah. Yeah. Like a dog. Have you ever? How do I speak to it? I start turning into a dog. You look like you were running after.

Have you ever had sleep paralysis? Have you ever had sleep paralysis? Were you like wake up and you can't move? Once in a plane. In a plane is, that is horrifying. Flying it? Oh my God, imagine. I was flying a plane.

I was supposed to fly my friend somewhere, but there was this bug. I had sleep paralysis once and it was. only time I screamed for ice cream I was the only time I screamed waking up but I couldn't scream so I was like lying down and I went um and I was scared because I was like is this the only sound I can make you just became a redditor and it wasn't a dream it was like me waking up from a dream so I was like what's happening me things I'm gold for you

The only time I I woke up I remember I woke up like screaming like like ah what the fire crying

just like weeping crying sweating like out of my mind I was super duper jet lagged I don't know if that was playing into it it was about a year ago you just thought a play and I scared the shit out of Katie like just like she was like

she wakes up now she's screaming and now she's crying we're just screaming and crying but I'm still so delirious the only thing I remember about it and why it stuck with me is that Rodo fell into the fucking volcano with the ring that was the dream I was like photo no no and you couldn't help and I woke up what you were supposed to do dude you got the little one other creepy one supposed to fall in

I remember being like really distressed getting up and like going up social one and be like I can't fucking believe he fell in that's is his Is Katie made public her sleep talking? She's definitely, yeah, she's a funny sleep talker. Her whole family is big into sleep talking, apparently. She's into a sleep chuckle, which is... I remember one time she had like a... Was using an app or something to track sleep, which I've also used.

And then it's like halfway through the sleep. It's like, yeah, we should probably get that checked out. Yeah, like... Yeah, she talks like Joe Biden when she's asleep. Right. It's non-secretes. It's like, you know, you know what we used to call skateboard. Yeah, okay, yeah.

Speak on that, Joe. Joe Byron. Joe Biden, keep spitting, Joe. Courtney, how are you doing today? I'm doing good. It's been a long, crazy week. Yeah? Filming lots of smosh things.

You've been a busy bee. I have been a busy bee. Buzz, Buzz, Buzz. Admit it. A bit. Okay, fine. I'll stand on it. I've been busy.

Wow. Busy bee. This is. Yep. Busy me. Busy be, busy me. Busy me. That's the hard-hitting-hitting journalism we get.

to you here on this podcast. Yes, you guys researched. You know, I'm busy. How are you holding up with all that busyness? Can you say what it is? Um, some of it I cannot. Ooh, exciting. What is it?

No. You're not, you can't. Okay. Um, it's a really exciting project that we have done before, but, uh, yeah, it's, it's, I'm very excited. They're going to the moon again. Smosh goes to the moon again. Oh my god, the last time was my favorite.

We lost Ian. Oh my God. Oh, my God. Just kidding. Did we lose him on the moon? Is that what happened last time? Arnold in magic school of us? Oh, my God.

Oh, Ian, we left him on the moon. Oh, no, he took his helmet off. That's my nightmare I wake up. He's walking around, no suit, he's fine. Yeah. He would be. He would love the moon. He would like, he'd be like, you know, honestly,

I'd give it five stars, five stars to the moon. Yeah. No, I just filmed an episode of URL with Ian and Anthony together. which I want you on the show I could have both of you on the show I now know that I can have two guests You had to practice We only had two mics for a little bit

That's real That reminds me of back when we started The podcast as tech professionals And like we had one mic That was a XLR mic And one that was a USB mic That's cool with a dual wheeling And they didn't have clocks synced up

So they would drift into each other If you were like Oh like one to cars have their signal on and they kind of eventually... So I had to painstakingly remove all of the mic bleed from each track in order to edit the... It was all audio. It was an audio book essentially. Yeah, it was like the most painstaking editing I've ever had to do in my life.

And I did it because I was like, I guess this is how podcasts are done. And boy, I'm sure that shit is really good. It was because, no, we had the focus right 2.I2. that has the two XLR ports. But then we had our first guest on Sad Boys in 2017 was in the first iteration of the show when we worked at Patreon. Simone Yatch came on like as a favor.

Yes, I feel like. Very much so. Yeah, and then the second guest was Drew Scanlan, also known as a blinking white guy. Oh, yes. The blinking white guy meme. I just saw him on Twitter recently talking about. He goes viral.

He does a lot of cool stuff for charity. The fog. And he's a really cool dude. We kind of lost touch, but I always like his stuff. I always try to donate. But what a sweetie pie. But it is very funny that that's just a random, to deepen the sad boys lore that, you know,

he was like the second guest ever on our podcast. How many mics you go now? Now we have three. And they all have their own cute little box on them with my show. Because if someone clips you and it goes viral, They need to see your show. We need that. I learned this from two hot takes.

Because when I wanted her show, she has that. And she's like, well, people keep clipping me and I need them to know where it's from. You're thinking about using your 3D printer, right? To make mic flags? Yeah. That's awesome. Jacob is like always,

Jacob is the maker of our group. He's the craftsman. Just like comes and it's like I made this. Oh, my God. So if you guys were like the Goonies, we've got our gadget guy. Right. What are you guys?

I'm like the kid who like goes, I don't know if this is such a good idea, guys Speak English, what do you mean? Guys, I don't know, I'm afraid. I'd probably be like John Wick. Okay. The group? Like a samurai, probably.

You're like the cool older brother in the Goonies. Have you seen the Goonies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like Indiana Jones probably. Okay, just like an obsession with being Neo, Indiana Jones, Goku, Vegeta. Okay, nerd. You wanted to be a nerd character.

Who are you? Who are you? I'm the girl. You know? They're going to be real. That is such a... The oldest sister character that's in all of those that's just like, guys, how'd you drag me out here? What are you doing?

Mom's going to be so mad. That's like... I always felt like such a... Like, I was such a rule follower as a kid. I was the guy who was like, everybody's like, we're going to jump this fence and I go, I don't know if that's such a good idea, guys. You know, brother. Yeah.

You should see the goonies. I should see the goonies. Well, we were just talking about we need to have a... a Sad Boy's Crew movie night because there's a bunch of movies that always come up that I mostly haven't seen. Wow.

Are you just like not a movie watcher guy? I think that something's wrong with my brain. I need to have someone there with me to watch anything. It's like I think it's an ADHD thing. Okay. I can only watch,

the only things I can watch alone are documentaries about horrible crimes. Yeah, that's true. And that's true. I can watch like true crime alone but a narrative show I need to get into it.

You a true crime, Andy? Not really. I'm not proud of it. I just recently started listening slash watching Rotten Mango because of the David stuff. Yeah, we've talked about Rodden Mango. And then I like dipped into the Diddy trial. But like I really can't like I think I tried to in the pandemic. I'm like, I guess this is time to get into listening to True Crime Podcasts.

And I got too scared after 10 minutes and turned off. I think that makes you normal. Yeah, I think that's how I'm being honest. I do think that like Roden Mango does a good. We've talked about this before. It does a good job of, like, not sensationalizing things. Sometimes her marketing, I'm like, whoa. But when you get into it, I really like how she'll also bring interesting other nuances

and also, like, drop a hard boundary of, like, what we're not going to do is stereotype of whatever. And, like, I think that's really cool. And also, like, bringing in. Or centering victims and stuff like that. Yes. Very that. Like, because I've, I like, I just like to jump around and listen to what YouTubers are doing.

And so Chris Collins had, has her true crime stuff now. And, like, she hardcore is just constantly about whoever the murderer is. She's like, they're a piece of shit. I hate that. It is funny because it is. That's controversial. It seems like you wouldn't have to remind people that a murderer is bad. But then you have like the like serial killers who like get married like five times in prison.

The only time I've ever had really any kind of like targeted group being actively pissed off of me was it was the, it was. the Iggy Azalea fan base in 2020, maybe. Whoa. I guess nothing else going on. A little bit. They got, they had not via me, but someone, they were arguing with Discord mod. Oh. It was like 10 steps away.

But as a result, one in particular was like super duper fervent and applied everything I was in and was like DMing me with stuff. I'm like, what's up with this person? Like, I hope they're kind of doing all right. Yeah. I'm not going to read these messages, but this is becoming to the degree now where I'm like, should I look at it so that I understand where this is coming from and I opened it up. And it was a Iggy Azaleam maybe took up 10% of their mental real estate and the rest was

filled with standing serial killers. Oh, goodness. I don't know how that reflects on Iggy, but it was all just like, Dharma would be like and that it's him hanging out, you know, with Ed Gein, like getting lunch at a French cafe. Yeah, like infantilizing vibes. I was like, you know, there's a baby girl. Yeah, well, I've related to stands coming after. Because I've had to play Taylor Swift a couple times in my sketch career.

That's a no-no. Wow. I didn't even consider that as a vector for. You're a false idol. Yeah. You do that? Right. Like, because I, when you do the makeup right and put the right wig on, I look a lot like her.

And so Defy Media was like, we got to jump on this. We got you. It's either this or we steal everybody's money. Yeah, it was, it was weird. I think like a year later they found some sketches where I'm saying some nasty things as Taylor Swift and they were like, how dare you? I was like, oh, I just work here. That is such a ridiculous aspect of being on camera personality, being an actor in any capacity. Yeah.

I mean, nasty things related to Taylor Swift or you are just like a, that's not what Taylor would say? What about, this is how you guys find out? I was like, oh, was Taylor Swift saying, like, slurs. No. I thought you're going to say this was like a Hannah Montana situation where we find out that you are Taylor Swift. Oh, my God. Like you just, you leave and you take off your wig and somehow there's more hair under it. No, the things I was saying was like, they just wrote jokes where it's like, I hate men and I'm going to write songs about them.

And like just that's like that was like the, what was it, 2013, 2015, like the easy like Taylor Quinn to like joke. Yeah, it was that. Yeah, it was the one. mainstream hated Taylor back then we've talked about this before where there's this this rotating cast of make it profitable to make fun of everything that women and young girls like oh yeah it's like oh Justin Bieber that's for babies and um you should feel bad about yourself if you like him you can generate a little bit of revenue pretending to not enjoy the wmBA that's like a pretty effective way of pretending to make a joke it's like this is the women throw the ball that's bad but it's funny because

WMBA is like, it's not even appeal, it's not even meant to appeal to women, it's women playing a sport. Yeah, it's like, whereas like at least like Twilight is like from a marketing standpoint, they're like, all right, this is our niche that we're like marketing towards.

Yeah, I remember Harry Stiles in an interview was like talking about his fan base of One Direction how they were like, how did you feel that your fans was just like 14 year old girls and he's like what's wrong with 14 year old girls liking something? Like literally, what's The weird is disliking 14-year-old girls.

Yeah. Why is he thinking about what they like so much? That's so weird. As if, like, that fan base isn't real, maybe. It's interesting. Does any of that Taylor Swift stuff still come up? It hasn't in a long time. Those videos are so buried.

And even in this, like, resurgence of, like, they call it, like, the Smosh Renaissance. Like, we've had a lot of new viewers in the last, like, none of that's come back. But old sketches do kind of come back to the surface where they'll be like, whoa, we slept on this one. Yeah. But the Taylor Swift ones have kind of just stayed. a secret. And they've also found him on Facebook, those fans, and then started going crazy on Twitter and stuff.

Yeah. Multi-platform hater. That's respectful. Finding something on Facebook is become like doing, searching for gold in the sand on a beach. Yeah, dude, that's Indiana Jones right there is putting in like a tablet you found into a perfectly shaped circle twisting it. It opens up and it's like a, it's a mini-hika clip.

Whoa. Yeah. That's funny. It's a minion meme that's like, that's deep fried. but organically through being shared through generations this was my grandmother's meme I need to DM the creator of this

tell them that they're yikes yeah it was wild I luckily like I wasn't on Twitter super a lot back then but my producer at the time she was like hey are you okay and I was like what's going on? Oh that's scary that's worse than the thing how are you dealing with the events

and it was like 30 tweets like was a lot of them all just kind of coming at me like because when they when YouTube it's like you are the person who's creating that video that you're in right right but yeah luckily it didn't last very long how like as someone who has you know been online for like a big chunk of life at this point how has your relationship with like social media evolved oh it's such a like interesting relationship like an ongoing relationship because I've seen a lot of different sides of it we're like early on when I was at Smosh, I was really diving deep into like my community and having my people and like

if fans were like mean to each other, I would be on Twitter being like, you're not a part of my community if you're mean to others. Like I was really, really involved and you're able to kind of like curate your environment and then like things get kind of crazy. Um, and then, you know, the stalkers of it all like, but that was all, all the stalker stuff I dealt with was like right around the pandemic so it was like a lot of people who like now they have time to just like be very online and very

unmedicated and like just things you're my hyperfocus now the person I just remembered I'm insane oh my god we're actually in a relationship and we love with each other I'm flying to your house yeah I have huge news

Wuhan created this virus and also the vaccine kills and we're in love and they did that to bring us closer together yes oh yeah but no it's like Like, it's very interesting seeing how followers and discussion about things has changed. I think because Twitter, I've literally coined this the other day, I feel like Twitter is an abandoned water park. Ooh.

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Hey, well, you can stop putting off those doctor's appointments and head on over to Zock.com slash sadboys to click and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's ZOCDOC.com slash sad boys. Zocdoch.com slash sad boys. That's us. I feel like Twitter is an abandoned water park. Ooh. And that there's all these kids and like all these people who are just kind of left with this place that was once a really valid, like really important part of social media.

Right. And now it's just kind of like this graveyard. And half of its bots. Yeah. And everyone's upset. The water's like uncorororinated now. It's like weird because it's like half of its bots. Yes.

Like 25% of it. It is people who have monetized rage bait. It's so interesting because rage bait is now like, because it used to be like, oh, sex sells. And now it's like, oh, rage sells. Right. And I mean, it truly does in a dark way. I even saw somewhere in the replies the new head of product at Twitter was saying in a

moment of self-awareness was like, I don't know if the creator payment program has done more good than harm because I think we might have incentivized the. wrong things and it's like we told you that second one of this thing going live because it monetized just ripping people because people always freebooted on Twitter like there was those like tweet debt groups and stuff where it's like you'd steal and recycle memes and things and astro turf like like engagement on stuff right and then now you can make money for doing that and so it's just like a race to the bottom of how can you make the most inauthentic content because because now I can turn that into cash.

And I think because of that, people are, I think, then now trained to think things are supposed to make them mad. Like all content, like the Jack's films, Fijita's meme, like that he's just recreating a link. Yeah. Yeah. And people made it political. That's wild.

Like there's these people going on huge breakdowns of like, this are the men we have in society. Are you kidding? It's like, this was so unsirious. I think it's a very easy way to be, and I've thought about it before, it feels real good to be self-righteous. Ooh, it feels good to feel superior. Like a little, a little indulgent.

Somebody tries to get you with the fact, and they're absolutely wrong. Oh, that little feeling of pride just for a second, morphine rush through the whole body. When you try to manufacture that in a conversation, it's a little like trying to set yourself up for a joke that you clearly have prepared. Right.

So what do you guys think about trash cans? Yeah, literally. Yeah, because I actually had a trash. Cair experience. Like actually, actually as a professional trash can, I am being paid to have an opinion about this. I didn't even know people were getting wacky and wild with Jack Films about that. Well, when it gets to that point on Twitter where I think it has like, it had tens of millions

of views, like went crazy viral. Yeah. Just that's how he, Jack's films has that magic touch. He does. And we love him for it. But he's a bad guy. I read, based on that post. Somewhere.

I just recorded a gold video very similar to this concept. where this, like, how did this become political? Well, I think the answer is probably that people, if they can make it political, then they can farm, like, engagement off of it. And there was a, like, we got to the bottom of this little trend that I saw people on The View talk about. Like, the view was like, hub sons,

our trad sons, the new trad wives. And it's like, there's a new trend. Is that a riddle? Of Gen Z men living at home. There's a trend of living at home amongst these Gen Z men. And I'm like, yeah, have you seen the job market? Have you seen the economy? And it's just a bunch of like millionaires being completely out of touch.

A tide pod's causing kids to not buy diamonds? And then is it the avocado toast that, you know, it's like if you stop buying avocado toast, you could buy a house. But then it was on like local news. stories they were like um there's this new trend of and i'm like there's not what are you talking about you like just made this up and then you get to the bottom of it and wall street journal wrote about it this guy uh is uh he just graduated with his masters and he he was on jeopardy and he's in between going to law school he's like studying for the LSAT and he's like yeah i'm a bit of a stay-at-home

son right now oh that's the as a as a guy made a joke who's like a guy made a joke who's like Like, I'm, you know, didn't get a job right out of college. So I'm studying for the LSATs. I'm going to go back to school. Ha, ha. Thanks, mom and dad for letting me be a stay-at-home son. And everyone was like, this is what's wrong with men today. Yeah.

He had just won $60,000 on Jeopardy, by the way. He's like a really bright guy. And then I saw it on Fox News. And I saw something on Fox News that I'd never seen before, where it was like a Fox News host set this story up. And then he threw to a podcast of four guys. It's so embarrassing. That's so shameful.

And it's a podcast that's like, we've often made fun of, like, anti-woke comedian, what they would title their stand-up special. It's like, cancel this. Censored. Okay, what would you title? One word title for a podcast about four dudes who are just tired of, like, the woke media. Is it uncensored? Dude, it's so close to that.

I think it's like reckless or something like that. Oh, my God. Rampage. I actually don't even know. It's like something. in that in that universe murder and then it's it's it's kind of like it's kind of like this podcast except for instead of shooting the shit with friends and like listening to each other you like get on your high horse about like what happened to shame stay at home sons no son

of mine's gay you know like that type of like it's just like hitting all of these like npc dialogue options about like um do you have any like pushback on like wow kind of a yikes take yeah i mean reddit stories definitely has that a lot when it because it's vulnerable to listen to nuanced stories and then have to have an immediate reaction that you share with millions of people oh my god yeah and i think are i think the the fans that are the most present are the ones that have the most critiques of you um i think my gripe is like because on reddit stories i feel like we have a really great like moral alignment along the cast and then like the guests we try to bring on we always hope we're like pretty much on the same page and usually they are like

um but sometimes i this is i might get a little like people might be upset that i say this but like when we have our guests on our audiences like never happy with it like they really prefer no guests sometimes but it's because they're nitpicking these people for not being perfect and it's like someone in my life said this to me the other day and I'm just like oh my god this is so profound which was like while audiences are nitpicking not perfectly perfect people who are overall on your side the real enemies other people are making the most money they've ever made oh my god we like I think that energy would be so valuable over there then someone who 95% of the time has their heart in the right place and is an imperfect person and maybe is like new to like

they're coming you guys have the um you've been you've been smoothed over time like a like a beautiful landscape you know you're eroded pearl yeah you're in a yeah but but like this person is coming in they're they're giving their gut reaction the first time like we this happens to us whenever we go on someone's podcast we're like learning the vibe and we don't want to we don't want to miss that but if people are like well these are my sorry you guys are my friends and I know you personally And who's this guy? He's not one of us. What's he doing here with us?

I don't know every single thing about the guests that we're having on. But like it's definitely, it can be scary sometimes. It can be. And I think you bring up a good point, which is having a gut reaction is scary. And it's also like why when we do live shows, I don't want to do them live to. Like stream it. stream it because I like being in the room with people because there's a different energy like a super engaged online person who spends most of their time in online communities may be like woker

than your average guy at the gym your average like person working there like at the sandwich shop uh in terms of how caked in discourse they might be and how aware of certain pitfalls and like it's like the average person isn't policed on their language like on 90% of the things that they say so we do become more PR trained by fire right you know what I mean like and we I think we treat a lot of people that aren't involved in that discourse like it's like being online being super online makes you some kind of uh public intellectual like you just by virtue of being a very online person that's the pressure that kind of gets put on you yes versus like being in reality, someone that's largely detached from that kind of stuff, the, you know,

the funniest guy you'll ever know is an H-Fact technician, but there's like a friend of your dad's. Right. That's always the funniest guy. Literally, we're like, you should make stuff. I'm good. I'm actually happier than you. Like, the thing is, is like, people that aren't, that have no preconception of what they should believe through like, through that erosion, through like, okay, well, I slipped up there,

so I'll slightly adjust the way, articulate myself in this way and that. There's value in that, and it is, you know, mitigating. getting harm mostly for actual just you know it's hurtful to hear terminology or phrasing that just feels bad and that's totally reasonable but the average person outside of that is actually way more pliable than people that are super online because like you know the number of people I know who they had a kind of right-leaning parent and then came out as non-binary or told them they they were gay or just like had a the first non-white friend and then that

right-leaning dad. I'm thinking literally more than a dozen friends I've had that experience with who then just went like, oh, okay. Okay, I get it. Then, sure. Like, if they are not online and not steeped in, if they're not a Facebook parent and they have a gay kid,

they're like, oh, okay, I guess I'm not homophobic. Because they got the experience, they have a case study. I often think about, like, I like my kid. I often think about, like, it's like the benefits of having like a diversity of people from different backgrounds around you, obviously.

like when I had my first like trans co-workers and stuff and I like made a pronoun mistake it's like I got to make those mistakes like a decade ago yeah and then be like have have the feeling of like well they they know I didn't mean it I you know what I mean because they used to be multiple people no no but it's like I think that there is a like defensiveness sometimes that comes from being corrected or making a mistake because it's like no you don't understand i'm a good person i just made a mistake going to like well like actually it's justified and most people are not going to rake you over the coals for that but in real life most people aren't going to rake you over the goals or that they didn't say anything but a lot of times you know that that empathy and stuff is

completely filtered out on social media and then you interpret that the same way that you would interpret it like if your close friend were to say oh hey by the way and it kind of can kind of hit you and it's it's hard to not internalize that and go I'm a bad person because I made a mistake because we all make mistakes I think when you're talking about live shows I think it's also because I'm we're a little bit new to this but we've started doing our Reddit stories like live and those people are there they really want to see you like they're there they want to be there they want to laugh they want to enjoy what you're doing and I also have like I thinking about it now I think that those people who get to see us live and we did one where you're not streaming or doing another one later this month where they kind of get to experience like we're all hearing this for the first time and we're all encountering it and reacting live together so they can kind of understand how it's like wow we have to like really process this right now and you can read the room which is something that you can't do when it's just like broadcast out without your control like versus a Twitch chat where like you're babysitting the you know the community that you're.

and you're watching their live reaction. Right. You feel like that the community, obviously there's going to be a ton of crossover between the different projects, but like if it is, the community that primarily goes to like that live show that is hyper specifically there to see you.

Do you feel like that is a more kind of pliant, flexible, forgiving. It feels like the wrong word, but like. I feel like it is because like you, you've gone to an improv show, you know? Like that can be pretty kooky. but I think what I'm seeing now too and even when I went on like this little

Try Not to Laugh Tour in 29 or early early 2020 like some people are like catching a comedy show and I think the Am I the Asshole format is like common enough that I feel like people who don't know us might even get a ticket if they can we sell out pretty quick but it's like I think that's more common but we also I think the people who show up for us live

and like are able to get those tickets in time they're there to see us and it's a really format that feels like illegal that that's what we get to do yeah yeah yeah well that we've had this experience yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah something too fortunate it should be illegal yeah it's like very privileged like drinking like a diet soda and be like there's got to be something wrong with this yeah this has to no I read something from a doctor that said that that that well it was a headline but I a doctor told me a doctor told me that you're going to die if you drink that diet cook I met a PhD in Lord of the Rings law, and they told me that I am actually dying from Pepsi.

Courtney, I don't know where you're from. You white? I'm from California. I know. That's so sick. I was born near L.A., like, we can't say where, but I'm in a small town, like an hour away from L.A., but... What's the address and like the house?

Oh, yeah, it's like Maple Grove Street. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, one, two, three, four or five, six. Yeah, it's all numbers. Oh, you grew up in your childhood home. My childhood home. Oh, I really, I saw your childhood home. home and I was like you might have grown up there yeah you can just really smell it I'm

Californian I think Ian for years kept assuming I was from Utah because I did grow up Mormon until around 2008 and then Obama yeah you're like they're illegal yes we can literally that was when prop eight was a thing and like I just saw a lot of people in my church specifically that I was like oh I didn't know you guys were like this Right. Am I supposed to be like this? Mask off moment. Oh, that is so interesting because I think we were just talking about that just with

like identity and stuff. Like you think you're the same or you're maybe like not listening to certain parts. Right. You know, of your identity in your life. And then there's a everyone like kind of mask off and you're like, oh. You have to assume that like there's like a perfect correlation between all of the thoughts. Like, wow, I really like turkey and I'm not a racist. Right.

Like, there's a Thanksgiving loving racist over here? This doesn't make any sense. I know. And it's, for people who don't, who the young ins listening, Prop 8 was voting against gay marriage. Or yes on 8 was against gay marriage and to protect marriage or whatever. And I remember people at the same time had been posting on Facebook like, what? Gandalf is supposed to be gay? Oh, FML.

FML. That was a period accurate statement. They actually, um. Rage comic. Do you remember? FML the website. Yes. Oh my God.

I used to have a daily check for me. What about my life is average? My life is in LIA. Yeah, dude. I'm talking about this on my show because I cannot believe the screenshots with the posts on those websites are so corky. I think my first ever online crushes were girls that would post like four panel images of them at that end in forever alone. Yes. Oh my God.

You need that little mustache tattoo on the finger. For more alone. My space profile pic style thing. Yeah. Jordan, hello. Too good. Hello, ma'am. That is just such a blast of the, like, baby blue homepage with the letters FML.

Would you like to listen to bring me the horizon together? Oh, yes. They used, anyone? Oh. No, come back. Perhaps some romance of the chemical variety. It's mine. You can't let me through the door.

I was looking at some old photos on Facebook from like a Facebook group that I was in of the first online community that I was a part of, which is a Pokemon community, big surprise. Hell yeah. And there is a photo from 2008 in there, and it's a polka ball that's been turned into the Obama logo, and it says trainers for Obama, and it's a shirt that I wore.

You had that? I was 16. You need to get it again. I got to get it again. That now would go hard. That would go so hard. It's one of those things. So it was, again, an era.

It was a bad era for screen printing, because every T-shirt from that, like looks like it's like a plastic sticker, you know, on top of the shirt. Red bubble core. Yeah, you take it out of the dryer and it's like stuck to it. Yes, yes. It's the size of your wrist. Oh, God, yeah.

That was your first community. Yeah. It's the trainer's for Obama. That was my first online community. What was your first boat? I was never, I was always a wallflower, I feel like, of fandoms and communities where like I never participated, but I was very interested. Lerker.

I was not a One Direction fan, but when I got on Tumblr and I was, learned what Larry Stylinson was. That was people who shipped Harry and Louie. I was going to say, it sounds like a ship community thing. It all started. I saw one Jif of Nile Horan. And yes, it's Jif. And yes, it was Nile Horan.

It's a draft. It's in the face for it. Yes, yes. Actually, I say Nial Horan. Nia Haran. Nia Haran. Um, quite. And the creator said it was Jif.

Just going to let you go. Yeah, you did. Well, he's not a linguist. Is he? waiting until he's dead guy but yeah like so i would be i would watch hours of like edits of them never listened to their music oh that's like for a while and then eventually i did but yeah i tumbler was kind of my place i didn't really have like i didn't talk to anybody i was just kind of i think that's kind of my dynamic in my family i'm just there and i'm not really

talking to anybody you're like i'm a stay-at-home daughter how many there we're But I moved out. I'm number five of seven kids. Wow. Mormon. I was going to, because they just need more. They need more men. I'm third youngest, so five.

That's a really weird spot. Yeah. Do you get middle child elements or? I played every role, I feel like, because then the divorce happened. And then I was in charge sometimes. Yeah, look, honestly, guys, I'm a, I'm a generous player. I'll do whatever you need. I'll be Taylor Swift.

What's a game? I'm a bit of a switch. Wow. Okay. Oh, okay. No, yeah, that was, so yeah, I played, I was the youngest, and then I was just needed to be out of the way, or I was the middle child that I got left places. Oh, yeah, I've been left so many places. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God, yeah. How do you feel about being left alone today? Like, do you go, are you more of a lone wolf in your life? Sigma. Do you like to have a buddy? I don't really get FOMO. Strong, powerful ability.

I think it's like very rare where I'm like oh but not but like not in a deep level I feel like I am at my happiest when I'm at a table of people who are all busy busy talking to each other and I am quiet and just taking it all in because like I can be recharged I get recharged from running errands and just those basic transactional conversations with people and then like oh got my nails done and the tech was so nice and yeah and I feel recharged. But also, I love being home alone. I do love being. You love being home alone too? Kevin McAllister. Because you get to me Trump? Oh, God. Oh, God.

I keep forgetting it's in that movie. That's a very funny scene because nothing happens. Nothing happens. He bumps into Trump, and Trump's like, well, look at my house. Big ass cameo there. Goodbye. But what are you saying?

The hardest part about being an adult is I'm allowed to, like, be home alone in my sanctuary doing the things that I like. And I need to be reminded to, like, leave an interaction. with people. Yeah. I do think because I think the pandemic showed a lot of people like, oh, I actually kind of like this. Right. A little bit. Being alone. But I do think humans need connection. Agreed. Like, and I also think your life partner is not enough. You can't expect to get every element of human connection from one person. Well, that's too much to ask of them. Yeah. It's not fun. And there you're going to meet people who are going to try and be that for you. And it's like,

that's not healthy for either of you like it's it's you can't because then you're just isolating you know well because like then you're like two people that's actually just one person yeah you know you're a vacuum and you don't learn new things yeah so like I I think just getting older I know that a lot more things you have to be intentional of like true you can't just fall into a routine all the time because sometimes even if the routine feels good you're going to realize like a month into you're like oh no I in the time I was out of the country for uh people sick to hear about this but the uh i was out of the country of a good chunk of covid pretty much because i was back in the uk for visa regained right i've heard your side of this

story yeah locks it in you know so i was by side we kicked him out it was on purpose what nothing oh continue it's crazy i thought i heard no it's insane what the hell something insane i'm such a goofball because i think i hear this a lot i feel like you say that like very um i while well i well i I was going, I think I, like, I have always considered myself a, I really like being alone, like having my little alone hobbies and then recharging through that and then expending something in a hangout, right? I was so locked in on being alone, but then, like, through family health-related stuff, I was like, had to be very, very on, and I was never getting time alone.

So I was in, I was helping, I was doing so-and-so and I, during that time, I said to romanticize the being alone period that had just happened before, despite. That was miserable. You know, there was nothing special about that. But I had romanticized it because what I was remembering was sitting on a couch chilling out. Mm-hmm. I was not remembering the 10th hour of sitting on the couch hanging out and it like starting to feel a little draining. Your butt's starting to feel like a pancake.

I was drinking for myself. You're right. And the only thing I were like the thing I noticed now, like the thing that was better at that time is a complete lack of memories. Not nothing. share points. And now, you know, we went to a thing last night. I was, I didn't quite have the juices flowing. I wasn't sure I'd be up for it, but I just went, well, if I'm not up to it, then I go home after. It's not like a, there, this, this mythology of spending the time alone being that the battle always work is not true. That's so real. It like doesn't, it's like harder to, like,

when I'm, because I wasn't having the best day yesterday and I like texted you and Eddie about it and we were going to the thing and I was like screening yeah I was supposed to go too I was overwhelmed so I couldn't go valid yeah and by the way never like why about it that is like I am still like really nice oh sorry darmit no I it's a coin flip for me a lot of times and I was like you know what I need the reset of filling my brain with stimulus that's not the stuff that's around me because it oh sorry you

so you mean not me oh brother this guy yeah literally it's not obvious because it feels because humans are so bad at like the like one of the biggest things that we do is that we assume that the way things are now will be this way forever like the way that we feel

and because we have to be now to some you know if you're hungry you got to eat and so that's a thing it's like so many times it's like you'll feel like you're hungry but actually you're thirsty and like you're like nothing is like your body sometimes isn't in your brain is not always honest teller yeah truth teller to you yeah and i i knew in my logical brain that i was like it sucks but i have to like leave because i'll probably feel better even though i want to sit here and i want to do my little things and i want to watch my little things and i was like watching football and i'm like but football's

And I'm winning That's my friend And I also did like Socially kind of tap out at a certain point where I was like I need this movie to start guys I need to sit down because I can't do the socializing anymore Just because I was already like running on empty But it was still like those experiences I almost never regret

And I'm glad that I got my it's like it's like you know that meme where people are like you have free will you know like that is kind of how i feel sometimes and i'm like you have agency like you actually like reminding yourself that you can you know you can put a bag of doritos on your head and go look at me yeah i love it's crazy yeah and it's like you just have the ability to like change it up even though sometimes it feels like you're a victim of your surroundings and circumstance yes like i was going to say it's like when you show up to an event you need to be doing what everybody else is doing. Yeah.

And yeah, I had this helpful. I teeter into good sides of TikTok sometimes where it's like just nice mental health advice. And this one, there's two things, but one of them was this era of like we just want to be alone and be home and that's what feels good right now. Like we need to bring back showing up for people and showing up to things, even though we don't necessarily want to go, but it's for that person. I think we have to bring back honor. like your word like meaning something even like unconditionally for like not for like practical reasons but like if you start from no I stick to my promises then like probably it will benefit you to some respect truly and then the second thing was like our brains are wired to make us survive yeah not make us happy yeah it doesn't give a fuck about being happy it just cares about being alive right and so you have to

to do those things, the intentional things to be happy. And sometimes path of least resistance, like, is the, I'm just going to bed rot all day. And it's like, okay to do that. Like, but you have to challenge yourself because you think you know how something will make you feel until you do it. And then you might feel completely different or you might even lose side of the fact that you were worried about the stuff that you were worried about before. Right. Your first instinct is almost never correct. Yeah.

Because it's your first instinct. It's safe and comfortable. Yeah. It's a first draft. of a thought. Yeah. Yes. We don't post our Twitter drafts.

Yeah. You've got to see my drafts. Yeah. You've been to chat to somebody like that who's just like, you know, my Twitter drafts, sometimes I think I should do comedy. Um, no, I think I've weeded those folks. Yeah. But if I ever get you guys on URL, I'm going to make you guys show me your Twitter

drafts if you come on your own. I wish I, I've become, I've like stopped becoming a poster. I don't know what it is. A tweet maybe once every too much. But I just don't even, I don't tweet. I don't post on Instagram. I like, do my content and then I go home.

That's interesting. I noticed that. You like are not, you haven't posted on Instagram in a long time. I want to. You want to? I kind of do because I think, I think a lot of it

is anxiety. Yeah. Like I think that it's a, I'm afraid of exposing myself to these other places. Mm. Of judgment. And I'm like, well,

what if it doesn't do well? What if nobody likes a picture of me? You know, like, and I'm like, I don't, I obviously like shouldn't listen to that, but the path of least resistance. It's like you're always fighting like many battles at once, one battle after another, actually. Yeah, one, which in the case the movie means there's just one battle and then nothing else happens. No, there's multiple battles. Many, many, many battles. But there's like a big break.

It's like the things that, like speaking of those battles, though, I just want to speak to the value of challenging yourself because showing up for your friends, having honor. Like, as you put it, I want to say it was last year or maybe even longer ago, we were talking about how I felt like I bailed so much on stuff because it was like I was, I don't feel good, whatever, whatever. And so I've made like some sort of resolution to just not bail and do what I, and just try. Okay, yes, man. No, but you know what I'm not all, not for everything, but it's like. Look at Jim Carrey. Exactly. You're a lot like Jim Carrey

Now Wow Whoa Whoa That's good To my Hold by Somebody

No wait What does he say I'm the mask Yeah That's right Yeah Somebody I'm the mask Yeah

Yeah My wife Right But We don't see movies No But trying So it'll be like

Things like last night Where I like I went And then I had a good time not every aspect of it was the most fun thing simply because I was already running on a little empty

but when I left it's like there's a different dopamine boost of hey you did the thing you did the thing that's hard for you and that is and that was your like and you're trying to do that it might not have been a great workout but you went to the gym kind of thing

exactly and I need to go to the gym that's another thing I'm working on but anyway one battle after another one battle maybe better Jim is one of those things like I have a lot of anxiety and like frustration sometimes that I just need to working out is my best way of getting that out of my system and I notice that if I haven't gone in a while like my anxiety and I'm like way more neurotic so I try to go there was a there was a year and a half where I was so unmotivated and unable to go and like meanwhile my man's goes every day and it's like but he also his brain doesn't register as an accomplishment. anymore because he's been doing it since he was 16 and like he doesn't see it as an accomplishment meanwhile i managed to get up and go with him like that's a huge accomplishment for me that day yeah and i've gone in a better place and like therapy is great that i'm like my motivation is better

and i'm going more often but it is a thing that i'm constantly like oh it's important that i go i really need to go and i think it's like you're allowed to it's it speaks to just people being different everybody coming at things from a different place everyone having different challenges different goals and different standards for different standards yeah in different ways that they talk to each other different ways that they celebrate talk to themselves celebrate themselves yeah you you should absolutely like pat yourself on the back when you do the thing that's hard for you yeah just like you know someone else should pat themselves in the back when they do the even if you do the thing that's easy for you if you didn't feel like doing it if it was a challenge you're growing it's why

comparison is really dangerous because people are coming from such different places and we know that intellectually but then you see someone who's shaped just like you they have like two eyeballs and like a nose and stuff and then they seem to be doing something that you find difficult and then you may think less of your it's like easy to think less of yourself I failed today but I was shooting I'm trying to be turning up early to everything but it is like something I'm trying to be conscious of because it's just a long-term slip up. And then sometimes, running so late, feeling so bad,

it's like, oh, just won't fucking do it. That's, you know, the source of a lot of dipping out of stuff for me. I turned up way too early to the bar. It was like they have like 30 minutes early before any of us were going to turn up. It's completely dead. And this guy comes up to me. Very nice dude.

He's traveling through L.A.'s name was Luis. Hello? He's not listening to the show. I didn't, I told him I did not mention. I said I was a manager. Nice, nice. Yeah, I say marketing. But he's, uh, it was like a good.

kid he's 24 and he's traveling through because he just finished basic training for the navy and was about to go on his first like you know a mermaid hunting trip or whatever they do that's huge and i like you know it's like i don't know anything about the military i'm not especially interested no i just say because my young my youngest brother is doing that yeah it's just like it's a um whatever your uh broader thoughts on it to this kid this was like a significant thing that he's been trying at and is excited about. And I'm not there to, again, give, like, prescriptive, unsolicited advice.

Unless you were, if you were on Twitter, you'd say... The first thing I'd probably do is post some statistics I met up. You'd post some statistics. You'd do them. You'd say... I'd send my own substack. Don't fucking do that. Don't fucking do that, dog.

Is that how you hear me? Don't fucking do that. Don't fucking do that, dogs. Hey, Jarvis. I'm cool. Hey. Whoa. I like me so anyway you told him to forget his dreams

forget about your dreams there you go but we were hanging for a little bit kind of casual combo but I'm pretending I was still into football like soccer football because he has to always sported and then he's like this current league I'm like this league he's going on you know I'm trying to massage his comfortable this a this fucking league will be kicking the ball all the time just like that kind of cover and And I was, how old I was, pointed out there was a little gray in my hair. I'm like, slow down. Whoa.

I don't know you like that, little bro. And I actually said, like, I'm 31, you went, whoa. Oh, my God. He hit me with the Kevin Hart. He said, damn. Yeah. But, like, we were having that combo. And then to, near the end, just went, like, so do you have, like, any advice?

And he just said that. There was no, like, qualified. He's like, all things aside,unk. Oh, my God. Do you have any advice for, like, someone who's young and spry? Since you're on your deathbed, do you have any of something? I took a second of like, just as a heads up, no, not like valid advice that is applicable to your life because I don't know you very well and I can't know anyone that well to say what they should do.

I just said like, because this is the only advice I've ever gotten that I think is 100% applicable to everyone, which is to do everything you can to not indulge in imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome, yeah. Because it is an indulgence. You can, it is, imposter syndrome is the privilege of people in good positions. Interesting. To have imposter syndrome, you have to have acquired the thing already. And it's, and everyone gets it and it dips in, but it is, A, unsustainable.

There's the thing that's getting in the way of choosing to be happy. It's the only thing you can do to choose to be happy is that. Because no one else can validate it for you. It's a completely internal thing. Yeah. And I think it's sometimes can be a little disrespectful to people that are struggling. Imposter syndrome? Yes.

It's a little like, I didn't grow up rich, but like my dad's a million. I'm like, ugh. We were like upper middle class. We owned a small fiefdom. And he grabbed me up yesterday. He specifically said, people that say that they were working class but had a kitchen island. Oh my God. No, that's so real.

I was thinking about that the other day of like, oh, like. Because I do struggle with imposter syndrome, I think, and I think it is a symptom that a lot of people who came up and privileged or got a privileged position, however they did, like, that's going to happen. So, yeah, because I think Alana Marr was like saying she's like, I don't know what the fuck that is. She's like, because she's worked her ass off and she can see the substantial like fruits of her labor. Right. In front of her. And that was really amazing. But yeah, like, I think I also feel a constant imposter syndrome because I was raised in a Mormon family.

There are beliefs amongst my family that I was raised to subconsciously have in my brain. So, like, I'm constantly insecure about, like, I don't know what I don't know sometimes. And so, like, the 2020, it's not like I was like flipped a page completely over, like, was already over there. But, like, it was a big moment for me to, like, really dig deeper and, like, start. really weeding out and, like, cleaning the grout of my situation. Like what's in here. Yeah. But then, but I still have moments where, like, I'm insecure and have imposter syndrome

of like, oh, I, I've never done enough work or I've never, I really don't know. I just don't. Like, yeah, you know what I mean? No, absolutely. I think the instinct is inescapable. Like, absolutely. I also still deal with a lot of imposter syndrome. It's like, it's one of those things that I feel like never truly goes away, but you develop

strategies. it's like there's some stuff that you can retrain you know like cognitive behavioral therapy is all about like retraining your neural pathways and your response to stimulus and stuff but like it is just about catching yourself sooner and sooner when you're falling into those like pitfalls of like let's say imposter syndrome i know what you mean about the like indulgence because a lot of it is like if it goes to a place of like feeling like a sad sack or whatever then like kind of dwelling in that is like very very indulgent and it's not a moral failing obviously because it doesn't feel good but it's more like you also run the risk of dehumanizing yourself to some degree because you yeah

you're placing everyone else around you at on this like impossible pedestal that well they don't feel it because they're real people right yeah I and the right I'm learning a lot about de-realization right now because I think that's like and I'm still and I'm actually still learning that and so that I've seen TikToks about and I haven't actually looked up the word or maybe I did but I don't remember. Why are you going to look at it? I haven't heard about it. Can you Google this?

It's just like feeling detached from reality. Like feeling like not actually connected to your, that moment. Like a lot of my childhood, I think, because I was in, oh, de-realization is a disassociative, dissociative experience characterized by a persistent feeling of detachment from one's surroundings, making the world seem unreal, dreamlike, or distant. It feels like the opposite of being present. But I do think that this is like can also be not. It can be involuntary for some people.

Also medically, yeah. When I, like, growing up with those many siblings, like, I was always in the way or like other people were experiencing things. So I think I'm really close ages. So like a lot of them are at the same time. Yeah, my mom, I'm 30 now. I think my mom had like five kids. We were at a birthday party and someone saw my ID and they were like, they also hit me with a damn. And I was like, I relaxed.

But I'm growing up with so many siblings. like yeah that was kind of like I felt I had to be out of the way at a certain point because there was like there's a five year gap between my older sister but then there's three years there but we're all we're all pretty as you get older it's like it even shrinks right the difference in ages because you're more or less the same at that point exactly my mom had almost five kids maybe five kids by the time she was my age which is wild wow any other kind of performers in the family performers um we were all like funny as hell growing up But, like, my, my, I have a sister who does comedy and, like, her and I were super into film and, like, making movies when we were younger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's really fun, like having somebody. Yeah. The one up, age up, one age down, like that close. And then my brothers, they were just, they were in their own world. Like, I think, but when you're talking about imposter syndrome and, like, kind of sinking into it and, like, kind of using it as a crutch, like, I feel like imposter syndrome is, like, that friend where you're like, well, but they keep me in check. Like, yeah, they may be beating me down. emotionally, but they actually keep me real and like that I'm not getting too thick-headed.

It's like a school friend or a co-worker where you have to be around them, so you have to kind of like re-engineer it. Mm-hmm. Be like, no, it's, no, they're not mean. They're precise. Yeah. They're keeping it real. It is, it is interesting.

Because it's a hard line between like, I don't want to be conceded. I don't want to go full Kanye. Yeah. I want to, like, have something, like, where I'm, like, in check, right? Yeah. But there it, you can check yourself too much. You can check yourself too much so much that you wreck yourself. Yeah.

That is a risk. True. And, and I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22. I'm sorry, just a little reference to your, to your other identity. As a white woman. I'm a, I'm a, not a Swifty. I was a Swifter. Whoa.

And I'm a Swiffer, quicker, up her. I'm John Wick You've established that I had imposter syndrome in the tech industry When I was first like going to school for all that stuff Then I like had an experience that made me And I did exactly the thing that you're talking about Where it's like well I'm stupid and dumb and an idiot

And so and so I don't belong here I'm a creep I'm a weirdo And and then it wasn't It wasn't until I, like, had an experience with people who I validated that they were real people. I was like, okay, so these people are all real and valid and they exist. Yeah. And then they actually, I'm helping them with something. So I must actually not be the bottom of the barrel, horrible, like less than a person thing in this domain.

Right. And then eventually I was able to like build up that confidence in that domain. But then when I like became, started doing YouTube, it was like starting. starting from, not from scratch, but like still starting over again because it's a new playing field. It's a new playing field. I feel like I'm older than all of my peers who are starting this or they've all had a head start. Yeah. And I'm I'm still doing the like, is it too late to start YouTube in X year? You know, like every year there's one of those videos. That kind of stuff still like still creeps in and it because it's like a new journey that I'm that I'm on.

Yeah. It's like it's interesting. The thing. that helps me with my therapist and I realized about my husband is like when someone in your life is congratulating you on something or saying you did something a great job and then the imposter syndrome kicks in you're calling that person stupid i they are stupid this is like everyone's stupid this is one of my biggest advice that i would give to people is like don't deny compliments yeah i really bad at taking i like you know your fit is great today and you i think you've been great on the podcast Thank you. Oh, practice makes perfect.

You're doing so good. And now you say one. Good, boys. Okay. Oh. No, no, no, that was. No, I really, here's a real one. I really, I want to unlock a DLC that is having a mustache like you guys.

Yeah. It has to look really bad for a long time. There is a, there, I went to the, why did I do this? I went to the oldest. Oh, I was curious how many years it had been since our. our first video on the Sables channel because we had made like three video episodes when the podcast was audio only. Most of the comment, I started by new comments on the first one and it's just people

being freaked out that you don't have a mustache. Yeah, that is bothersome to be sure. I have a meeting my partner after having the mustache has kind of locked me into like a, this is, I'm now committed to it. They have verbally just been like, like, Polly Jokin just be like, don't have a trip. Don't. Don't fucking trip. You know, maybe like for, you know, the Patreon.

on or something you know if we hit like a certain girl's like no oh my god just do the beard to change it out just go a plumish i like that yours has a butt crack in yours doesn't yeah hell yeah yeah yeah good i like it don't laugh at me i'm an imposter i'm such a stupid asshole to the point about uh like uh when someone compliments you yeah like it is someone is giving you a gift and it's letting your own insecurities deny that person giving you the gift makes them feel like because you when you're in your head you're not thinking about how bad it must feel for someone to go out on a limb and say hey uh thanks for helping me out with that thing i didn't do anything too i'm not right oh okay hey you look nice actually i look stupid

i like your shirt well it's dirty you know what i mean we all know people like that and i've been person and even growing up like you might have had people in your life that that was transactional gifts whether it was a compliment or thing so maybe that's but like they're not always around and not everybody is that there's way fewer like conceded people than you think they're yeah everyone's way too conceited but in a way that's like they're so worried about themselves that they're they're complimenting you and they're not caring they probably didn't even hear what you said back right they're just like nervous to just compliment you I have that with like fan interactions where I'm like we'll get real a little bit oh shit dim the lights I'm actually

Taylor Swift I've it's like it's been a long time I finally underneath we are all white and that's all right um I at many times you know yesterday I was feeling down in my feelings about my own career and about you know not feeling like I'm living up to my potential negative self-talk, abstract negative self-talk. And when I'm in that type of mood, if I, like, meet a fan and they're like so stoked, there are times when I want to just be like, no, I suck.

You don't get it. But, but, but like you, it is healthier to say, get that out of here. Because this person is, is clearly like super stoked and they have found lots of value in what you have brought. to their life and that's a special thing and you will sap it a little bit and like they're shaking and they're nervous and they're not thinking about what you say right and so it's like it's like the nicest thing i could do for this person is just give them a positive experience regardless of how

i'm feeling about myself and then that you know it's like paying it forward you know and even the imposter syndrome thing like the fact that someone could be like oh my god i love your videos i'm like well i haven't posted on my main channel in two years and i think about it a lot I'm like, oh, I don't like a video, you're right. Yeah, can you go away, actually? No, because I think that we forget that just because you haven't uploaded in whatever time on whatever channel, those videos still exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whether it's online or but in people's psyche, you know, and like, yeah, because I have days where I'm feeling like ass and then I will have a fan interaction.

And then I kind of, maybe I just, I try and take and go, yeah, Gordon, I kind of rub my nose in it in a positive way where I'm like, see, hey. Look at this. Look. on Tedda fan interaction, which didn't begin with me thinking I was in the way. Oh. I got like, oh, sorry, are you? Oh, I'm like, lying gangly. I'm like, oh, was I leaning on it?

And they're like, are you drawing a diger? I go like, oh no, am I being served? Yeah. I'm like, that's important. You should say that to every single fan now. Am I being served? Am I being served? No, I'm being served.

No, where's the legal papers? Do you have a complimenty household, like an open? Um, because I'm always curious about that on the impact of like, giving and receiving it I don't know I don't know I think our family was

hugs and kisses and scratching backs like physical affection but not very complimenty I think with that many siblings I think there was unfortunately a lot of competition

and superiority issues if you say one thing to one of them it's gonna cascade down yeah or like there was a like tattletailing was like how you survived because then for a moment you're not the one

one in trouble. That's like corporate politics. It was very unfortunately like and obviously we've all grown and parents have evolved and stuff but like that was a really chaotic upbringing of like yeah to survive as you don't you want to put the spotlight on somebody else because I think unfortunately with how many siblings and how chaotic of a household it was more so living from one stressful moment to the next rather than one positive memory to the next right the positive memories I have is when we would watch a movie and it was like a funny movie you know and now you can provide that

for other people you know like the good vibes that you know you got watching a watching movie i'm sure there's lots of people who are like hey my life is chaotic but when i sit down and and watch you know when i listen to your podcast or or watch uh you know reddit stories or uh try not to laugh or whatever this it's like every everything else stops and i get to hang out with my best friends yeah the tinnitus kind of goes away truly no thinking about it now it's like oh so much of my childhood was trying to not be in trouble and not being seen, but it's like the time that all of our eyes were on the screen and not looking at each other was when things calmed down. And then like we were talking about before we were recording how like I'm really used to ensemble work and how hosting URL is hard

for me because eyes are on me. But when I'm doing trying not to laugh with everybody, it's like it's a group of us. Yes, there's people all behind the cameras watching us. But it's like we are all focused on a thing. And I feel less imposter syndrome. I feel like I have more permission to be silly. But it's scary by myself. It is interesting that psychoanalyzing, psychoanalyzing, misprescribing, pretending to have some kind of insight doesn't have one actually looking in, just has a podcast, is an idiot, an imposter of it, but why do we live in America? But I guess it doesn't seem like a coincidence that you went from a household ensemble to professional ensemble for the most part, right? Yeah, my newer therapist, it was like, hey, it's actually really crazy how your job kind of feeds into, what you grew up dealing with because of the environment of being perceived and like all these things and being judged and all like I was very like oh oops I like yeah but it's my job and I'm right I love it I was chatting with your therapist about it you're talking to him hey I'm mean

yeah he can be a real bitch uh he's a real gossip have you ever and this is something that uh I I was going to say like so I have an improv background and have no issue performing on stage when I'm not the only person on stage. But the thought of being alone on stage, you're horrifying. Filling the space. Yeah. That's terrifying to me. And it almost feels like I need to do it to like overcome something.

Okay. I don't know. I'm not making any plans to do that. But I think that one, that's like a quest, you know, somewhere deep in the, in the quest log that I'm like, eventually I'll get, I'll slay that dragon. Yeah, that would be. I was like, yeah, I was wondering if you had any experience. with performing alone, because I don't.

Maybe a little, but not enough. Like, not enough that I can, like, really, I think when I'm doing sketches and stuff, even if it's just me and a scene, there's, like, five people off camera. So I never really feel alone. Right. We did have a short period of time where we had to, they sent us camera and sound equipment to our apartments, our homes during the pandemic to, like, make content and lace it together, make it look like we were in the same room.

And I literally, there was this one character. It was like an e-boy character named Dam Damran. I made him And it's Damn Daniel and Po Damarin Had a baby Literally And he was a little E-boy And I remember I

Just cut to me having I'm totally sobbing crying In an E-boy wig And a red hat With the little cross-earing In a t-shirt I'm being like I can't do this

I can't do this That's like an avant-garde Like art piece I was a real E-boy Yeah there's like 5,000 French movies from 50 years ago them holding a crucifix with beads and like that was you um but then you picked yourself up by your bootstraps and you filmed that imagine video yeah with my fireplace in the background you and all

your friends you like what happened what were they it's still crazy that they did that they're like people are not feeling great at least sing better yeah that's what i'm saying that was your issue wow yeah chris pratt whiffed at least like take some liberties and like riff a little yeah yeah This is a really good idea, but you did not deliver on it the way I want. No, because I think we cut it because it was too boring. Or maybe we left it in. Me and Nicole Rafi watched the Imagine video again. Oh, wow.

And it's like worse than I remember. Whoever edited did not think about the rhythm or anything. There's like big delays between them. It feels like when they cut from local news to like someone who's live on the scene. No heaven. Hi. Thanks, John. Imagine there's no song

No copyright strikes Yeah, please That's why they're mixing it up So that they can't strike it That makes sense That's funny So I keep pulling my microphone For a little bit

No I do that I do that too I also like to put it away From my mouth for some reason Just to like For vibes I don't know It's part of the mash a lot of it Yeah

Mew-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W We have ADHD written here Are you an ADHD person? So I've had a couple therapists like assertively suggest it to me, but I'm not officially diagnosed. I'm not medicated, but I definitely like monitor it a lot. I feel like I do. I just don't like to say I have it because it's dangerous or not.

I think that's respectful. But I do think I have it. Right. And it's also like such a weird like getting diagnosed too is like annoying. And I also don't know if I want to medicate it. Sure. I like sometimes there are weeks where I'm like, I need. I need to be fixed now.

But then there's times where I'm like, I think I can regulate. I think I can handle this. Well, we are both like late stage learners about ADHD. Like I wasn't diagnosed until I was like 25. And so it's like I had like figure it out a way to like live my life successfully. Yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that. I think for me it was more about recontextualizing a lot of the past and like going.

Oh. Yeah. That's what that was. Because a lot of the stuff. where I thought I was a dumb Daniel. I thought I was a damn Dangel Daniel how to get so dumb I would I would just forgiving yourself yeah I thought I was I thought I was a bad student who was like good at tests and like could luck out at being like I could like alt and like be smart for like an hour and then and then I would go back to being a dumb idiot who should like get kicked in the

but I mean it doesn't even have a who's only just recently gotten rid of the butt crack in his mustache I don't we don't need to dwell in that because I think I have noticed your butt crack your mustache crack before this crazy the way you're being I'm sorry no I'm not is it good it's I love it's sorry I think here's the thing it's probably not a butt crack it's more like a like you've got so upset your face changed tell me it's a butt crack it's like a part in your hair yeah it's like a part in your hair yeah it's like a part in our hair the way we part out Hey, I was like, Like you can.

It looks good. Oh my God. How do they keep moving the part where their hair grows from? Yeah. You just docks, baby, no money. No, we talk. Oh my God. You just said he had gray hair.

He has a whole, he naturally has the doctor strange strength. Yeah, that's really cool. This is me. This is real. This is me. This is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Yeah. Courtney, thank you so much for coming by.

This has been so fun. I will come back. Yeah, you've got to come back. It's the rules. I promised. I promised. Dipper said, look how sad he is. I know.

It's because you couldn't give him attention. Like, he was loving you and now you have to be on a podcast. I know. He was given, he was mean mugging for some of that. I hope to see it when I, I want to see the cut. He was, yeah, he was so, and we have a photo of, he was so joyful when we started the podcast. And then the second you said that you were leaving, he started going emo.

Oh, he was drunk. And now he has another drink. Oh, yeah. I love his big insulting. Uh, before we wrap up, is there anything that you, I mean, obviously there's URL? Yeah. Uh, is there anything else you want to promote? Um, yeah, check out URL.

It's on the Smosh-a-like channel. It's one of our newer, like, Smosh channels that used to be Anthony's. Um, a lot of fun, what fun stuff on there, including my show that you guys have to come beyond. Oh, yeah. And, uh, yes, please. And then, uh, yeah, please, I can have busy. The Jordan's busy. Also, Johnwick, yeah.

Well, I don't even want to get into that again. I'm going to shave up and it's noticeably like, I'm going to shave like a deep butt crack into mine and I'm going to go notice it. You like shaved a little more. Yeah, I have the mic here. You can't have this. Interesting thought. Yeah, I'm on Smosh. Jarvis, you've been on Smosh at a time.

I've been on Smosh. They got lots of videos with Jarvis and we've done some silly things together. More to come. More to come. Look at that. We end every episode of Sad Boys with a particular phrase. We love you. And we're sorry.

Boom. We did it. Podcast. How you doing? How you moving, girl? Moving on. How she's dead looking at that future girl? Future girl, yeah, we are now.

Take my money, go away. Oh, you want it. Go too rich for me.