Saturn Returns with Caggie - 7.8 From Self-Doubt to Self-Worth: Transforming the Power of Your Inner Critic with Sophie Dear

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

Today Caggie is joined by Sophie Dear; a wellness mentor, podcast host and yoga instructor who embarked on a transformative journey from a career in the TV industry to living full time in Bali. This conversation is insightful, educational and incredibly inspiring as Sophie shares with Caggie her previous struggles with insomnia and anxiety and opens up about how experiencing burnout in her career eventually led to leaving the TV Industry she had thrived in for years. For many of us, ignoring burnout in pursuit of career success is an unhealthy habit that seems to be celebrated in many ways, coined as ‘the hustle culture’ phenomenon. During our Saturn Return one of the most important challenges is often the self-reflection of looking inwards at our relationship with self and addressing the patterns or habits which no longer serve us. Caggie and Sophie discuss the importance of self-worth, challenging limiting beliefs and understanding the profound influence of our inner critic. They also expand on navigating the intricacies of masculine and feminine energies; unveiling the societal pressure to conform to ‘traditional’ roles without questioning the why behind a desire for partnership or motherhood. Sophie shares some final insight into the power of affirmations, shifting our mindsets and showing up for yourself. You can find Sophie at the following: https://www.sophiedear.com https://www.moveandinspire.co.uk @_sophiedear --- Follow or subscribe to "Saturn Returns" for future episodes, where we explore the transformative impact of Saturn's return with inspiring guests and thought-provoking discussions. Follow Caggie Dunlop on Instagram to stay updated on her personal journey and you can find Saturn Returns on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok.  Order the Saturn Returns Book. Join our community newsletter here.  Find all things Saturn Returns, offerings and more here.

Hello everyone and welcome to Saturn Returns with me, Kagi Dunlop. This is a podcast that aims to bring clarity during transitional times where there can be confusion and doubt. Today I am joined by a friend of mine and that is Sophie Deer, a wellness mentor, podcast host and yoga instructor who embarked on a transformative journey from a career in the TV industry to living full-time in Bali. This conversation is very much about the big career shifts we have and what happens when we avoid our bodies nudges and wisdom and Sophie very candidly talks about her struggles with insomnia and anxiety and opens up about her experience of burnout during her career when she was in the tv industry where she had been thriving for years

and many of us often ignore these signs from our body in pursuit of career success and it's often an unhealthy habit that seems to be celebrated in many ways it's the sort of hustle culture but during our Saturn return it's often one of those moments where we are forced to reflect and look inwards at our relationship with ourself and address the patterns or habits which are no longer serving us the things that are driving us and the pursuits we are trying to achieve. And we are forced to kind of reconcile with the why that's underneath. Sophie discusses the process of unraveling the anxiety and the insomnia and how she also was going through a divorce at the time.

She discusses the importance of self-worth, how we can challenge limiting beliefs and understand the profound influence of our inner critic and how to better manage it. We also expand on navigating the intricacies of the masculine and feminine energies, unveiling the societal pressure to conform to traditional roles without questioning the why behind a desire for a partnership or motherhood. Sophie shares some of the powerful insights of affirmations, shifting our mindset and showing up for yourself. I hope you enjoy this conversation. Sophie welcome to the Saturn Returns podcast. Thank you so much for having me. I feel like every time I like trying to not repeat the same way I introduce people which is welcome to the Saturn Returns podcast but at the same time it's now like the rhythm to the show. So welcome.

How are you today? I'm really well, thank you. I'm here in Bali, which is... Just home. Yeah, home now. We were just kind of discussing before we hit record. But yeah, it very much feels like home now, which is a very wonderful thing to say. Obviously, you and I have known each other for a while and we so I can't how did we actually initially connect was it during the pandemic I think I came on your podcast yeah you came on my podcast and also I think you might have started doing some yoga some online yoga yes yes yes yes that was it and you've been in Bali since since just literally I think 10 days before the the borders closed and COVID hit so I moved out here with the idea to be here for

three months to kind of trial living out here and it was the beginning of March and then yeah basically the the borders closed and it was kind of this okay well I'm here now and so many people left so many people who'd been living here for years and there was this moment where I was like am I mad staying here and um I just decided I would stay and see what happened and it was such a um such a good choice I was really really lucky to to be out here in the pandemic yeah definitely worst places to be yeah but the audience that doesn't know would you be able to explain a little bit about who you are what you do yeah so I am a self-worth coach and a yoga teacher. And I have been kind of in this space for the past seven years.

I was out of uni. I went straight into working in TV and I was an assistant director for about eight years. And in that job, I completely burnt out. And I I mean I had no idea about wellness I had no idea about you know mental health I um hadn't I'd had insomnia since I was 15 years old and I was really battling with that but it didn't really connect to me that that was something that I could deal with in terms of mental health. It was something that I actually had just accepted as like a way of life. And especially in TV, I mean, you'll remember this as well from your days, but like, it's brutal. The hours are brutal. You're

exhausted. So I just kind of was running on empty and thought that that was life. And I thought this was my way of gaining success. And I was very tough on myself. I really felt like this need to prove. And I was also climbing the ladder pretty quickly in TV. I was in very British TV dramas. And whilst it was very difficult hours, I mean, we were literally working like 90 hour weeks a lot of the time. Um, it was also amazing, like the fact kind of family, um, that you got from that kind of atmosphere of working that close and for so many hours and yeah, the people became, hours and yeah the people became became like my family and I learned so much and I had an amazing time but on the flip side I was just totally exhausted and burnt out and um cut to 20 20 end of 2015 and I was on a job and I just wasn't functioning. I hadn't slept in about 72 hours. And I was at a

place where I hadn't slept at all. It was like one of my worst bouts of insomnia. And I was literally like, I felt like I was hallucinating. I don't know if that's actually like the right term for it, but I literally, I remember being on set on this show, like not really sure what was real. Like it was so strange. And luckily one of my bosses who I'd worked with for years, he was, he just said to me, Sophie, this isn't you. Like, what do you need? And I was like, I think I really need some help. Like I haven't slept for, for a long time, for many years, but this stint was really bad. And, um, and he was like, whatever you've got to do, just do it. And so I went to this doctor, uh, who signed me off work. And I remember being like,

okay, but when can I work? That was like my first question, you know, I wasn't really taking it seriously. I was like, okay, well I'll be signed off. And then of course I'll just go back. And he was like, no, we've've we need to get you into therapy we need to get you um taking some sleeping pills to actually just get you to sleep right now um and he even spoke about putting me on antidepressants and I remember just being so confused because to me this wasn't a mental health problem to me this was just like how I had been for so long. But just to kind of, within that, you know, the sleeping stuff, when you actually realized, you know, I need some help, were you recognizing that this was a deeper issue when you had that

session with the doctor? What else was coming up? Because I mean, for him to sign you off work, it must have been, he must have really recognized that you were sort of at or nearing a rock bottom yeah um so the the kind of the other underlying thing that was coming up was actually anxiety like he he diagnosed me with anxiety I'd been diagnosed earlier in my um late teens with insomnia but I hadn't been diagnosed with anxiety and I think I'd actually had it for a really long time I think the two can really feed off one another like totally yeah anyone who hasn't slept which is everyone has had a bad period of cycle 100 you lose all perspective yeah and you kind of are in this like fight or flight state all the time and so you kind of need

to you can then can get dependent on like numbing yourself out to sleep but it's not really dealing with the core issue did you recognize yourself as an anxious person or was that again just part and parcel of working in that kind of production environment where everyone's running on anxiety and like adrenaline and coffee and do you know what I mean it's kind of I personally from my experience there you know in tv like I recognized that I was probably anxious all the time but it was almost part of like the fabric of that environment. Interestingly no I actually felt um like I was super confident because this is what I was putting out to the

world like I was very very confident um I was doing really well in my job like it was a kind of a high functioning anxiety insomniac woman and so no yeah quite common yeah definitely some people listening like oh hang on like a hundred percent that's like often the women I work with are very similar to to how I've been and and how I can still you know my patterns can still show up like that but yeah so interestingly you know I didn't because I think it was all internal and I didn't really realize. You know, I think there's something else to be said. If you've had anxiety for a long time, it becomes your way of being.

You don't know any different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the thing that actually started to really creep up on me was realizing that socially I became very anxious, which was never my nature. Like my nature is to get to know people, to want to be around new people. I love being around people, but I was afraid to even be with my friends. Like I would cancel on things all the time. I would have this kind of, uh, fear of, uh, the next day. What did I say? Did I say something stupid? You know, the social anxiety got really bad. This is not even to do with drinking or anything. It's just you felt that way, you know, because a lot of people get it after they've drunk. They like, oh my God, what did I

say? But you just felt it anyway. Mine was both. So I actually used alcohol in my early twenties to get me to sleep because I'd had a period in my early twenties on sleeping pills and the sleeping pills I got very scared of. So I wanted to get off them. So I, I was like, I'm going to get off them. And then my next kind of drug became alcohol. So for a while I used to drink in order to get to that, like slightly sleepy slumber state. Um um and then I definitely was on that level of drinking too much in my 20s like looking back I can see it all came from a place of lower self-worth you know if I have a drink now it's so different my experience with alcohol now is so so different but back then it was very um there was stuff tied up with like I'm a more exciting

person if I drink I'm more lovable if I drink you know I'm more outgoing if I drink so I would definitely have that anxiety but I would also have the anxiousness the next day even if I hadn't drunk and I that was what I did really start to notice. And when did that happen? That was kind of in my late twenties, maybe 28. But is this at the same time as going to the doctor or is this after or before? So this was, it was funny. It was quite a domino effect. This was just before going to the doctor. And then when I went to this doctor and he started, one of the most powerful things he said to me was like, imagine yourself as a little girl. What were you wearing to school?

Imagine her sitting right next to you right now. And then he said to me, now say all the things you just said about yourself to that little girl. And I just burst into tears. Like I was, it was traumatic to realize in that example, how unkind I was being to myself and how normal it had become for me to self-deprecate,

for me to be like my inner critic was just raging, you know? And so that was a huge moment for me actually where I connected oh okay well my mental state perhaps is having an impact on my anxiety and my insomnia so it's kind of this this amazing doctor actually who really who really helped me with that and then amazing for him to yeah yeah because I think so much of the time we don't recognize the sort of correlation between our self-talk and the things that are the symptoms or the things that are happening in our life because it's not being said or spoken outwardly and so like often I think when

you know for and for a lot of people listening like if they think they just have these anxiety moments that come on or these depressive periods it's like actually if you're really honest with yourself I think a lot of the time it does stem from like you say this kind of self-berating that just becomes unbearable and then of course that's going to spill out into anxiety insomnia depression all of the things because it's like it's impossible to manage being spoken to like that by anyone, let alone that constantly going around and spiraling in your own head. A hundred percent. It's like, I think the scary thing is so many people do it without even

realizing how damaging it is in terms of, I think, because a lot of us are, I think there's more of a conversation around all of this, um, of all of this stuff. So I think a lot of us are saying to one another, yeah, we feel, I feel like a bit of a failure or et cetera, et cetera. And we're all realizing that we have this negative inner, uh, critic. that we have this negative inner critic. And actually, when you start to put in the work to change that,

you cannot believe that you would speak to yourself like that for years and years and years. Like for me, that was a grieving process. I had to grieve the part of me that was so unkind to myself for so many years. And that was painful, but such an amazing process. Let's talk about that for a second. Because I completely relate and understand what you're saying. But for someone like, why do you think you were grieving it? I was grieving it because when you start to speak to yourself in a different way, you are literally rewiring your brain. Like there is so much science now that can show that we can rewire our brains in order for the self-talk to be different.

So instead of, oh, that happened, I'm such a failure. It becomes, I made a mistake and what can I learn from it and I'm excited to move on and so when you're in a place that is I would say like more in alignment more in your truth more positive let's, you can really see with that perspective, how critical and unkind you've been. And so it's almost like saying goodbye to that part of you, but still, and this was something I had to go through therapy. Like I, at one point I was like, well, the old me would have said this. And then my therapist was like, remember to still love the old you. Like the old you doesn't have to be, you know, the worst version of you.

And now, yeah. And now you're like the better version of you. It's like, no, you needed that old version of you to become this newer version of you. And not only that, I think it's important to note that all of like the self the negative self-talk the inner critic it all existed to protect you and so when you also reframe it like that rather than it being like this monster in your mind like that voice was there and was created because at some point that's what you thought you needed to do or to speak to yourself in order to survive in this world. It's literally like a survival tactic that just becomes, you know, a way that becomes incredibly damaging.

And then also it's like, like you said, when you recognize and acknowledge that you have been living your life that way, living your life that way the grief in accepting that is almost sometimes I think too painful for people and that's why like change is so hard to actually pierce the bubble of the truth and the existence that you have and realize that actually that wasn't the best way to be that there was a different way and I think that's tremendously painful because you within that like change you have to acknowledge like all of that pain that you caused yourself that could have gone on for decades and it sounds like it did yeah I mean I love everything you've just said and I think that is such an important part in the sense of not thinking that this inner critic is your fault it is literally the way we are wired is to look out for threat and look out

for danger and so we are so much more likely to pick up on the danger than all the ways in which we're going well like one of my regular practices is to fully celebrate myself in the small moments in the ways that i'm going well because we have to do that like five times more than berate ourselves to even equal it out in our brains so yeah i think that's a really really important point because like you say we're sort of battling with the programming that is based off a time where there was real threat, you know, and we had to be on hyper alert. But the problem is now we adopt that in our relationships, in our careers, like, what's going to go wrong? What's going to happen? And I also have to recognize it in myself.

Like you say, it takes a lot of conscious effort to counteract that and it's a daily discipline in order to do it so from that moment where you actually had that awakening or recognize this behavior and how it had got to you to this spot what was the journey like in healing from that moment? To begin with, it was incredibly hard because I suddenly was unemployed. Like in TV, I was a freelance contract. So it was like, I couldn't continue that job.

I was out. I didn't have, I wasn't going to be paid for like sick leave or anything. It was like full cut. I didn't have, I wasn't going to be paid for like sick leave or anything. It was like full cut. I had to, I had to quit. So there was definitely like a hit to my ego of like, I'm unemployed. Um, I ended up moving back in with my parents at that time as well. Um, and so that kind of, that, that piece of feeling like I had failed like everything I'd worked towards I'd failed that was like a big hurdle to get through but what I would say is I had really

amazing support in the sense of I had a really great therapist who I originally was seeing twice a week like it was we had a really strict kind of schedule because suddenly I was unemployed. I didn't have anything else to do. So it was like, great. I've got, at least I've got something. Um, and that, and I also started getting into yoga and loved it. And it was so interesting to me that the yoga and the therapy was like saying the same thing. Like it was so many light bulbs for me.

And, um, and so that was kind of my start into this whole world. Um, I was on a lot of sleeping pills at that point because what the doctors had kind of decided was it was better for me mentally to be knocked to sleep rather than be awake and be anxious at night. So it actually took me a lot longer than we originally planned to get off the sleeping pills. I think it took me a couple of years. But so that process, if anyone's taken sleeping pills, they're very, they make you feel very heavy and lethargic the next day as well. You almost feel hungover.

So, yeah, there was a lot to go through. Like physically my health wasn't great. Like I, I lost my period. I had really bad IBS. I had these night sweats that were really horrible. Um, so I really started delving cause I had the time now and I was, I took it seriously. Like it was the first time I, I had the time now and I was, I took it seriously. Like it was the first time I really took my health super seriously. And so I really wanted to heal. And within that process, I then went into deciding that I wanted to become a yoga teacher. So I went to Sydney, did my yoga teacher training, and then came back and went into being a yoga teacher teacher from a place where I hadn't

not that we're ever fully healed but I hadn't really tackled I'd kind of only tackled like the surface layers of what were going on and so I went into yoga teaching with this idea again okay I've got to prove myself like my biggest limiting belief is I'm not enough so I went fully in with that energy and then I burnt out a second time a couple of years later as a yoga teacher and the most ironic thing is like pretty much every yoga teacher I know has gone through burnout really thank you for sharing that because I didn't actually realize that that happened is that and this this is basically your Saturn return experience right yeah so I think my signing off work was my Saturn return and then I kind of burnt out again maybe age like 31 so at that point you realized that actually

you'd sort of fixed the surface level of stuff and created like a healthier facade but actually at the core of it the issues still remain the same yeah that must have been pretty a pretty humbling experience to kind of recognize right yeah. I think, um, it was, uh, it was just like another invitation, like all these, I feel like that. I mean, we both love Mark Groves and he says, don't ever save someone from their rock bottom. Like I needed that rock bottom again to start to realize that something needed to change. And the part of that rock bottom was I totally lost my voice for three weeks um and camera down the throat they had no idea what was going on and it was all just so many emotions like I don't know if you've ever had that experience where if you feel emotional it's all

just caught in your throat it's always in my throat yeah yeah any healer any like anyone I've ever seen in that space was like your throat chakra is blocked I'm like yeah communication yeah well Saturn's in my third house so it's kind of I've got that thing that I sometimes struggle to speak my truth but I don't think uh I think that's quite a common thing especially for women you know we're often conditioned to be quiet or be good or you know and it can be almost like a terrifying thing when we haven't done it for so long yeah yeah I mean so many layers in that for sure. And then also the, it makes me think of like the, the proving yourself and the masculinity that we try to step into in the sense of like, we all have our feminine, we have our masculine.

And I have fully been in my masculine for like the majority of my life, trying to control, trying to fix, trying to make things work. of my life trying to control trying to fix trying to make things work it's been so uh exhausting being in that role and someone I don't know if you know Emma Cannon but she really started to get me to think about um uh my feminine and trusting and and being in a place of surrender and receiving love as well like I was always wanting to give give give but it was coming from that place of I'm giving because I need to earn my love not I'm giving from a place of feeling worthy and well giving because I need to receive like need to give in order to receive and then when when you don't receive, you're like, you know,

you've given everything and you have an empty cup. Yeah. And you stamp your foot because you're like, but I gave. Why won't they love me back? And then people are like, oh, I didn't realise it was conditional giving. 100%. Yeah. I mean, this actually, I did like a panel talk last night and this came up about this, you know, I think in terms of equality, we're definitely going to slightly take a little bit of a detour on this. But there's been so much progress made in terms of women being given more opportunities in the workplace and everything.

But for a lot of these places in the corporate space, it does mean occupying like a masculine energy so for women to actually survive even thrive in a in a work environment it's required that they abandon their womanhood or their femininity you know and that goes from the energetic standpoint right down to the like don't let it be known you're on your period, you know, like all of these things. And the world, unfortunately, still is catered for the in the workspace, in the workspace. And I believe that we are, the pendulum's kind of swinging, but we've just, I think we're slightly out of balance in all of our masculine and feminine. I think that as a society and a culture, especially in the Western world, we don't value the feminine. And what the topic of last night's conversation was, actually this kind of segues nicely into like the next thing I wanted to talk about, but it was women without children.

That was like the panel discussion. It's a book by Ruby Warrington. She has made this decision not to have kids when she had three of us on the panel talking about it. And it was, you know, it was an audience filled with women and it was like a heavy subject to unpack in a way that I hadn't really fully directly addressed. And how much of, you know, being a woman is wrapped up in motherhood, but then also the challenge of being able to have our careers and have our independence and our autonomy and have a child. And I personally have struggled to feel like those things can coexist um but anyway I kind of because I wanted to talk to you about that because I know that that's been part of

your journey and if you're happy to kind of talk about that aspect I would love it if you could share it with us yeah absolutely I am so I mean it kind of segues into the next bit very well as well but my I was in a relationship for 10 years married for a year and a half we were trying for kids my my masculinity was very much in play in the place of being like very stressed, very anxious, very controlling. And I didn't have a period. And I was trying to get pregnant from this energy of like, we have to get pregnant. We'll make it work.

Even though I don't know if I'm ovulating, most likely I'm not because I don't have a period. most likely I'm not because I don't have a period. Um, and it was, it was this looking back, it's, it's, it's kind of sad to see how I got so caught up in this being like everything, but also as we kind of talked before, it's, it's, this is very much like we are wired to survive and pass on our genes. We're not wired to thrive and be happy. You know, this is our, this is in our programming. So I have a lot of compassion for that part of my life as well. But what ended up happening was I went through the separation and divorce, um, not just because of the baby stuff for many reasons. And it was all very out of the blue for me. And, uh, this was kind of also my stepping stone into moving to Bali. And I think as I think

I was 33, I'm now about to turn 37. At that time, it felt like this crushing, what am I going to do? Because we were going to have a baby together. And now who am I going to have a baby with? And this has been very much part of my journey of this trusting that if I am supposed to be a mother, that this will happen. And in all the work I've done is, you know, especially kind of talking about how we change our inner dialogue, I really see now that the most important thing really is the energy I can bring to my everyday rather than focusing on the outcome. When I focus on the outcome, things become a struggle because I go into control. on the outcome, things become a struggle because I go into control. When I can be more present and focus on, let's say, and this is very Abraham Hicks, but like thinking about why do I want a child? And I've been thinking about this a lot recently. Why do I want a child? Okay. I want a child because I want love and I want connection and I want playfulness. And I want excitement and growth and a whole new adventure.

And I want motherhood and nurturing and caring. And I want to be taught by my child. And all of these things, this kind of more the energy of why I want a child, which I actually had never really thought about before when I was trying for children. It was more just you wanted to tick that box because that's where you were at and that's what everyone was doing sort of thing 100% everyone else was doing it I was a little bit behind my friends so I had to catch up it was like of course this is the next thing we do rather than really going into the energy behind what I want to create. And when I look at that energy,

the main being love, connection, playfulness, let's say, I can create that now. I can create that in my every day. And that is what is more likely going to allow me to bring this into my life, especially from a place that I want to be in as a mother, from a grounded, calm, at ease, balanced kind of place, you know, rather than this, like, like I'm so grateful I didn't become a mom at that time because the mom that I hopefully will become is so different now to the mom of five years ago four or five years ago and so to me that's kind of how I'm really trying to live my life it's like look at the energy I want to bring rather than focus on the outcome because when we really focus on the outcome we're focusing on

something that is out of our control and it becomes it can become a struggle and it can come become painful well it is that Abraham Hicks practice of like embodying that energy already and knowing that it it exists in your I mean to use her sort of terminology in your vortex and I think that's such a powerful thing because you hear people doing it with with wanting children and I know this is a very delicate subject but it's like I think people become so tunnel vision on that thing being the only way that they will feel the some of the things that you just described or that a relationship is going to give them the love or connection do you know what I mean because I think that happens there as well and it's like without that those things don't exist and actually you can begin to cultivate them in your life and I think like you

said once you do you're stepping into that energy more and in a far more like inviting position for it to happen but to kind of bring it back a second in you said that you were like very in your masculine what was the kind of journey to stepping more into that feminine energy for you oh so many so many different things so Emma Cannon is a fertility expert and I went and saw her um regularly to help me get my period back and she she did like it was amazing the I went for the first time and the next day I got my first period in a year and a half she did acupuncture and she's just she's magical it took me a while to get a regular period but I like she's she's wonderful and she would sit with me in some of the sessions

and she just started to reframe things to me like I remember saying to her at one point, I was like, I feel so guilty because my dad is supporting me with, he was helping me with something. And she said to me, I want you to start turning all of your guilt, because she was like, you're holding a lot of guilt. And that was one of my stories. I was like, I'm someone who really struggles with guilt. Like I literally labeled myself as that. So it's like self-perpetuating but she was like change your guilt into gratitude she's like your dad doesn't want to hear that you're guilty because he's helping you your dad wants to hear that you're grateful and that was like a huge moment of softness and a huge moment for me to start to release this guilt which is also kind of like connected to what you mentioned earlier about that struggle in receiving you know to being able to say thank you and being grateful for someone

which for them might just feel like the best thing ever to be able to do that for you but if you're not open to receiving it's going to be like oh god I feel find this so uncomfortable oh yeah I mean the receiving thing is so huge And I talk about people pleasing a lot and a lot of people pleasers, again, just want to give and can't receive that love. And it's such a shift. And when you can start to, I mean, this goes into even like intimate relationships when we can actually start to be in that place where we can ask for what we need in a relationship. Wow. How powerful that is in a dynamic of a relationship. Like all my previous relationships, I've never done that to go and say, hey, this is what I need.

It's like crazy to think of the younger me. Like I had no clue. I didn't even know what needs were. Like I honestly would have thought all of this was like so woo woo and such a load of rubbish. So I can't believe I'm like now here kind of talking about it because there's been so many shifts. But yeah, I think the receiving and asking for your needs to be met and within the receiving, something that I think is really important is actually knowing who you are. Like, what is it that you want? What is it that's important to you?

What are your values? What are your needs, your wants, your desires? Because we're often so outwardly focused on fixing everyone else's problems and making everyone else feel comfortable and okay that we don't actually look at what it is that we want. And also we're very programmed to feel like we are I sort of describe it as like ornaments on the shelf that will like

are waiting to be picked and will only come to life when we are so it's not like we're thinking what do I truly need what do I truly want what do I desire it's like what do I need to be to be accepted and loved by this person and And allowing ourselves to mold ourselves into whatever shape or size that might be. And that's another sort of like metaphorical sense and a literal one sometimes. And I even find it hard to sit down and be like, what do I truly want? Sounds so simple, but like how often do we actually ask ourselves that question? Yeah. I mean, that, that piece is so poignant of like, who do I need to be to fit in to, to be the version that is going to be loved rather than, and this is where the worth piece

is so important, rather than like gaining your worth and your own validation in order to actually attract the things that match you on that level what we do is we're seeking external validation from people from jobs from things and so that reframing of that it all you know as cheesy as it does sound it does all come from within rather than this like constant external validation and that's what we we are kind of conditioned to constantly ask for you know since we were children like well done you got you you passed this test well done you did that well done you did that like being elegant you know it's interesting because the external validation thing I wrote about it in the book in this in this way of like

we shouldn't essentially like we shouldn't seek external value and we should learn to validate ourselves but actually my perspective on it has slightly shifted in that as human beings, so much of our identity is defined by what is reflected back to us. You know, if you think about at school, the way we are in a group and the way people like respond to us and speak about that, that really informs a lot about who we are. And so I think to like completely deny that isn't the root but it's about kind of cultivating the balance between knowing who we are on like a soul level and like actually doing the things that nourish us and give us that sense of self-worth outside of all these other things whilst knowing that it's okay to seek approval in certain places you know what I mean

because I do think that that's just the way that society functions and it functions that way for a reason because if I'm liked in a group that means that that tribe or community are going to protect me or that they're going to give me things if the world's end you know what I mean it's like I think it's really hardwired that of course we want to be liked and accepted but we've just probably gone too far in especially in the realms of social media that no matter how much you get of that it won't out balance a lack of sort of self-worth that's really felt at the core does that make sense yeah and I think you're so right and I think we do actually have to be really careful with that because I know that at one point when I came to this work I was like well

I have to get everything from within I can't ask for anything. And I remember feeling confused by that. And the more work I did, I realized that belonging is incredibly important to us. It's a fundamental need and we all are going to thrive with the community. Cheerleading one another is so important. And I think that for me has been one of the most powerful things of the work I do is having women in a space who really cheerlead one another really support one another but it's it's it's finding that balance so that you're you're doing it regularly for yourself you are creating that inner cheerleader but you're also allowing and receiving the support from others so it is that balance for sure how did you become or kind of um nurture that inner

cheerleader so I think the the if I could kind of say one the kind of main thing that has really really helped me is carving out time every single day for myself and I started doing this about eight nine months before my separation and I cannot tell you what a difference it had to my reaction when that all kind of kicked off so when I say carving out time for myself, I learned to meditate. I had dabbled with meditation before, but I went on a course, I properly learned to meditate with the London Meditation Center. And that was really, really phenomenal. And then on top of that, I added in like a little practice at the end of my meditation. So I would do daily intentions, daily affirmations and daily gratitude.

And what I was realizing, again, when I first started doing this work, a lot of it was like tick box. I am grateful for my family. I'm grateful for a roof over my head and not really feeling into it. And what I was taught, I read a book called Buddha's Brain. I was taught to be really specific about your gratitude. So you think of three things from the day before and you visualize that moment because visualization is really powerful because your brain and your body don't know the difference between real and imaginary. So you're literally

reliving the experience and then recreating those those pathways in your brain so like tomorrow I can be like visualizing our chat and being so grateful for our friendship and you know remembering moments where we smiled and laughed and I and I and with the gratitude I'm really feeling into the moment with all my senses and then the intention I tend to do is like something very specific for the day. So like for today to show up and do my best on the podcast, you know, or maybe it's something a little bit more generic, like my one, my intention for the year is softness because that goes into that feminine space. And then my affirmations, I mean, they change all the time, but things are always working out for me. I am inspiring women. I am inspired. I'm always enough. There's so many

affirmations that I have kind of on rotation. But this practice, when I first started doing it, it felt so strange, but I just trusted and I got used to it. And it just became this like really, really powerful thing for me. And don't get me wrong, like during when my separation started and it was very difficult, I'm not there doing affirmations being like I'm rocking the world like that's just a lie you know so my my affirmation was just like I'm okay I'm okay you know hand to heart you've got to make it realistic you know because I think what happened when people there's this disconnect when like say I remember my friend my friend and I had this conversation it's like let's say you're terrible with money right and

you want to get better with it and rather than being like I'm amazing with my finances you just say I'm getting so much better at managing my do you know what I mean it's like yeah it's very subtle but it takes your brain is like oh yeah I can get on board with that but the other one like let's not be silly so even if someone's listening and they're kind of feeling really you know because I know that even just the words like intention gratitude affirmation it can sound almost off-putting when you're really like down in the dumps you're just like I don't feel like any of those things and it feels a bit woo whatever but like you say it's like the daily discipline of then reprogramming your mind or like shifting it towards those

those feelings I think that's such an important one you know to actually feel what that experience was like rather than just going through the motions and the intention thing as well because you you mentioned before you know that you were prone to want to control and that's why I think the distinction between that intention is so important because it's nothing to do with the outcome really the intention is like I intend for the day to go this way like this is how this is why I'm putting this work out into the world this is like my intention for how things are going to go, but you're not trying to control everything. And then you're not doing, because I think often people will do things because they want things to go a certain way and then they get frustrated that it's not. Whereas intention is

really about, for me anyway, about like surrendering to the outcome being whatever it's supposed to be. Yeah. And I also think with your intentions, what they can do is just remind you in a moment of your day of something that you've said. Because I do mine in the morning. Some people do them in the evening, but for me, I do them in the morning. But like, I remember I once couldn't think of a specific intention for the day so I was like I'm going to just be kind and compassionate to everyone I meet today and I was in London I was on my bike and I was like rushing somewhere and I and I was like really cut up by this other cyclist and like really thrown off balance and in my head I was like about to like start swearing and like, you know, whatever I was going to say to him. And as I was just like letting the rage come,

I just said to myself, I'm going to be kind and compassionate to everyone I meet. And I just thought he might be rushing because someone's in hospital. He might be rushing for whatever reason, but I chose an intention to do and I'm going to stick to that. So it's just like nice little reminders. And I think what's really important with this work is I think people think it's going to be this huge major thing that we're going to do one day and then everything is like so much better. And it's the smallest things. It's the small things. It's the tiny shifts in mindsets. It's the little conversations we have with ourselves. It's the, as you kind of said earlier,

this discipline to show up for ourselves. This really does make the biggest difference. I completely agree. Well, on that, Sophie, I feel like that's a beautiful place to end. Do you have anything else, any kind of words of wisdom? Because I feel like that's a beautiful place to end do you have anything else any kind of words of wisdom because i feel like a lot of your experience our audience will have be going through or have gone through and i'm sure they're going to resonate a lot with this conversation is there

any kind of final words you have for them do you know the thing that's just in my mind right now because it's very present for me with this because I would say that I'm at this space where I'm really feeling very content and fulfilled in my life and I do desire a child but I really want to be in a space of and I am getting I'm getting there and I'm and I dip in to be in a space of, and I am getting, I'm getting there and I'm, and I dip in there, um, uh, in this space as I, as I was saying, trust and in this space of being, um, okay with whatever the outcome is and really sitting with the energy that I want to bring to today. And what that reminds me of is what Abraham Hicks always says, which is, I trust that everything is always working out for me. And I would say that because when I went through my divorce, I honestly, it was the last thing I ever thought would have happened to me.

And I was so heartbroken. And I say this with the kindest, most loving respect for my ex, who is an amazing person. It really is the best thing that ever happened to me because it forced me to look at myself. And it brought me to Bali. It's brought me a new relationship. It's just been the biggest growth. And I'm so, so grateful for that. And I mean, it's led me to this work. It's led me to people like you. Um, and yeah, for that, I'm, I'll be forever grateful. I think that's so beautiful. I'll try and remember to add

an Abraham Hicks link because yeah, I, when I was going through my sort of stuff I would listen to Abraham Hicks every night and I just have her voice in my head being like everything's always working out for me I'm like yes even when you're like crying the tears are coming down and you're feeling miserable yeah but she was the teacher that I remember when I discovered her, it was like a warm hug from the universe. I was like, okay. And it just, I listened to it every night when I, you know, was struggling with sleep and stuff like that.

So definitely put a link there for our listeners. But thank you so much for joining us. I've loved this conversation and I'm sending you all the love and enjoy, enjoy Bali. Thank you so much. I've loved this conversation and I'm sending you all the love and enjoy. Enjoy Bali. Thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed this conversation between myself and Sophie and found it useful in some way. If you want to find out more about Sophie, you can head to her website at www.sophiedear.com and just a reminder that we have some new offerings at saturn returns so if

you guys want to explore our new personal development courses i am so so excited about them we've been working on them for the last year they are called the foundations and they are available at saturnreturns.co.uk so please check them out in case that's something you're feeling like you want to explore or need some support in what you're navigating right now thank you so much for listening and remember as always you are not alone goodbye