Saturn Returns with Caggie - *Moments* What is Healthy Love? with Sheleana Aiyana

Episode Date: October 23, 2022

In this week's moment’, you’ll hear Caggie and Sheleana Aiyana, author of ‘Becoming The One’, discussing whether we can ever truly find ‘The One’, why our projections are damaging to ourselves and to our partners and why ensuring our relationships are co-creations is so vital. You can listen to the full episode with Sheleana tomorrow where the conversation flows through topics like our mother/father wounds, how to harbour slow, healthy love and self-abandonment in relationships. Find Sheleana at The Rising Woman Order ‘Becoming The One’ by Sheleana Aiyana.  Free Inner Child Meditation.  --- Follow or subscribe to "Saturn Returns" for future episodes, where we explore the transformative impact of Saturn's return with inspiring guests and thought-provoking discussions. Follow Caggie Dunlop on Instagram to stay updated on her personal journey and you can find Saturn Returns on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok.  Order the Saturn Returns Book. Join our community newsletter here.  Find all things Saturn Returns, offerings and more here.

hello everyone and happy sunday here is our highlight moment from the coming episode of saturn returns and it's an extraordinary episode if i do say so myself i am joined by shalina ayana who is the founder of rising woman and author of becoming the One and in this moment we discuss projections and fantasies and how a relationship is essentially a co-creation. In terms of Saturn and how this ties in, Saturn is all about rooting things in reality, it's about taking responsibility and it's about being grounded and being autonomous so this episode feels particularly relevant to those principles of Saturn and something that we definitely have to learn for ourselves, often the hard way, during our Saturn return.

So I hope you enjoy this moment and I cannot wait for you to hear tomorrow's episode. Yeah, the chapter around projections I found very interesting because I think that's something we all are guilty of doing from time to time when we do project our own pain onto the other person and like you say it can create this anxious avoidant dance but what about projecting something when you sort of fantasize about the idea of someone, is that also a projection in a way? Yeah. If you're projecting something that isn't true because you want it to be true, or you're projecting your fantasies, you're still not present with that person. And we, of course, like you said, we all do that. And projections never fully go away. We are human

beings. We just all project all the time based on know, based on, you know, what our beliefs are and what we see in the world and what our conditioning is and what mood we're in that day. You know, we can be driving down the road and someone could honk at us and we could immediately get angry and assume, you know, that they're attacking us or we could, you know, assume that they're honking at somebody else. It just depends on what our conditioning is in that moment, right? But we do that. We fantasize and we create, I talk about in my book, fantasizing and love chasing and creating situationships where we are imagining that this person is going to be sort of the solution or the answer to all of our problems. And that's the honeymoon phase in a nutshell, right? It's finding this person who seems perfect and we want to believe

that they're the answer to our prayers. And then eventually the deeper we get into relationship, we find ourselves back in that same familiar territory of whatever our patterns are. And that's why we're often drawn to that person to begin with. Yeah. And so it's sort of stepping out of this idea that there's ever going to be, that's why my book is called Becoming the One, because it's stepping out of this idea that there is such thing as the one and realizing, you know, of course there are people who can be the loves of your life and we have soulmates and we have people who we can walk beautiful paths with and we can have amazing relationships with and we can have

amazing relationships. And you can definitely be with someone who you consider like the best person for you to be with in this life. But the idea that there's this external half of you or this person who's going to come and complete you is false. We have to come into relationship with a sense of wholeness and a real awareness of our own conditioning and our identity and who we are so that we can take whole responsibility in our partnerships to co-create what we want instead of expecting it to be about the other person like if i just find the right person maybe my relationships will work out. No, you could find the right person and it could still implode because relationship is a co-creation. It's a co-creation of our minds

ultimately and our nervous systems and our hearts and our beliefs. And so if we want to experience that conscious love while still experiencing joy and excitement and adventure and pleasure and all those things that we want then we have to know what we're carrying into that relationship so there's often this belief that healthy relationships are boring which is why so many people end up chasing games right toxic dynamics that was the next thing I was going to ask you because I feel like for the audience listening that's something that a lot of people have to navigate is this being attracted to someone that's unavailable, or they're sort of in a situation ship, or perhaps they're just with someone that's really not a good fit for them on in terms of building a healthy

partnership. Yet there is this chemical intoxicating thing going on. And I think that's very hard for people to unravel because we are so programmed to believe that that chemistry means they're the one. And this kind of situation where you just meet someone and bam, you know, and that's it. Because that's what we're sold in movies growing up.

It's the sort of damsel in distress that's going to be saved from her life. And then I think people, if they don't know how to like really unpack that, they either just keep repeating it or they feel that they'll have to sacrifice the sort of sexual connection or they're going to have to sacrifice something to have a healthy relationship, which feels like it's synonymous with being boring totally and I mean have you even noticed I mean I haven't watched a lot of romantic comedies in the last few years but I know when I was you know in my 20s when I look back at a lot of the movies and maybe you've noticed this too there's a lot of this like bad boy meets good girl and he's super avoidant and bad and

then she reforms him. Yeah, yeah. It's like she's all that. We were talking about this the other day. She's all that when it's like the quirky kind of girl that no one really notices. And then this like jock guy that's super avoidant and then she changes him. And I think every girl just watches those films and thinks that's what I want to be. That's what I want to do. Yeah. Well him and I think every girl just watches those films thinks that's what I want to be yeah I want to do yeah well I mean look at pretty woman like look at all of the movies that we watched right it's so deeply ingrained this idea that like if there's if you're good enough if you're beautiful enough if you're magnetic enough then if you're you know elusive enough that that person that's avoiding you,

or that's avoiding intimacy is just going to fall in love with you, and you're going to change them. And so like, I mean, we have so much of that conditioning going on in our media, too. So it's just funny how that pattern is running so strong in our systems. And yeah, it's interesting that we so often think that healthy love is boring. And I think part of that is because many of us haven't actually qualified the relationships that we enter. Like we go from these hot and cold patterns. So we, you know, I talk about this in my own history where I would go for the bad boy and then I would recover with the nice guy.

But neither of those were actually healthy people. You know, the nice guy is also holding back. He's not speaking his truth. He's not having boundaries. He's not bringing his fire. And the bad boy is just being elusive and making me want more because it's not available. Both of those, you know, extremes are still not an integrated person who's showing up. And so what we have to realize is that just because we feel attracted to someone or just because we feel turned on doesn't mean we actually need to follow that energy. The energy that you're feeling is actually your energy. And I want to remind people of this. When you feel sexually turned on by another person, that energy that you're feeling belongs to you, not to them. so you can do whatever you want with it

you don't have to give that energy away you could actually cycle that through your body and go do something creative you could go turn on music and dance you could journal you know you could create art you could write something you could sing you could go out with your girlfriends and just have a good time and just feel that energy in your body and just let it be. There's no need to always act on everything that we feel, every sensation that happens. And it takes time to rewire what we are attracted to.