Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine - A Medicine Called Christmas 2: A Royal Pain

Episode Date: December 22, 2019

Just in time for Christmas, we've got another extremely special holiday film created by Justin and Sydnee McElroy. Gather the family and prepare for A Medicine Called Christmas 2: A Royal Pain. NARRATOR: Rachel McElroy PHIL: Griffin McElroy TAB: Sydnee McElroy JESUS: Dwight Slappe SORIANO: Travis McElroy CHRIS: Justin McElroy WAITER: Michael Meadows MR. BIG CITY: Tommy Smirl BETH: Teylor Smirl MANDY: Rileigh Smirl QUEEN: Mary Smirl SANTA: Clint McElroy

From Justin and Sydney, McElroy, co-authors of a medicine called Christmas comes a new holiday fable to delight a generation. Gather the family and prepare for a medicine called Christmas 2, a royal pain. Yeah, that's a Christmas to be. Put your arm around the fire. Yeah, I don't want anymore now. Can you call it a mean of life? Well, I'm gonna go out for a job That's a Christmas to me

You will need her and a dream Where my parents and the people That's a Christmas for me! Zoom in on Tabitha Big City. After her unsuccessful attempt to convince the residents of Point Setup Point, that Christmas could not cure human diseases, Tabitha fled her medical practice in America and decided to apply her trade and developing nations where she could make more of an impact and where tinsel was less plentiful. Doctors without borders has just deployed her to the newest assignment, the tiny European

nation of Batavia, nestled just between Austria and Spain and Slovakia. You know that whole sort of area it's there. Almost before her plane finishes taxing along the dilapidated runway, Tabatha is shocked to see a familiar face, Phil Pibbles, the former proprietor of Pibbles, Bed and Recfus. Here, here, ma'am. Let me help you with that. Phil Pibbles? That's me, ma'am, but I'm sorry. I can't place your...

It points at you, point. I was assigned to be the town doctor. You helped me carry my bag. Oh, of course. Miss Big City. How could I have forgotten? What are you doing halfway across the world? Oh, there was nothing for me in points at a point. I knew there had to be a place somewhere in the world,

where a man is still free to live the way he sees fit, to keep sacred the values of faith and family, to leave his Christmas lights up until February. But, Tavia, is that place? Here, I'll take your bags. Uh, wait, how's your, what was it? Super arthritis? Oh, markedly your, what was it? Super arthritis? Oh, markedly worse, thank you. Every movement is an agony, a silent torturous prayer

to a god that feeds on my suffering. I'm coping a bit better lately though. Oh, that's good to hear. Did you start some new anti-inflammatory? No, but I've been distracted by my adult onset mega-rickets. Yep, a severe lack of vitamin D has my legs bowed out into permanent question marks. Ah, ah. The question is, of course, how I manage to open my eyes,

day in and day out when consciousness brings only a hellish symphony of physical and spiritual agony that borders on the transcendent. This is, of course, a question for which neither God nor man would dare to answer. So I'll continue to twirl in a waking purgatory in which my corporeal form is animated only by my own misery and fear of what lies beyond. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. The launchers right over here on the left. the Count Galu Family Fund Center and mainly Casino. Exhausted from a long day's travel, she flips on the lights of her room and is shocked to find two sheep, a mule, and several road strangers gathered around a wooden crib

stuffed with hay. Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought this was my room, there must have been a mix-up. No, no, hold up their tuts. A voice beckons Tabitha from the crib. They're perfectly positioned in the hay. Just above a headless baby doll is the face of a bearded man in his late 30s. No need to rush off. We're just the living nativity.

My what? Living nativity. There's one in every room in the hotel to help guests get into that festive spirit. So, uh, unto you, a me is born pretty killer, right? Uh, so how long are you here, Jesus? 33 years tops. I'm just kidding. We're always here. We wait to use the can until you're out of the room,

if that's your worry. And the maids clean up the mule dukey. What do you think, Greg? Like twice a day? Yeah, like twice a day. But what do you do? Yes, we all close our eyes while you're in the shower. It's in our contract, not a concern.

And while I sleep? We work odd jobs just to make ends meet. This isn't technically a pain gig. So at least I'll have a little privacy then. Oh no, we stay in the room and work on our laptops. Little transcribing, a little drop chipping, whatever comes up. No, until you check out, we're just like here. Actually, my body from the neck down

is standing on a stool in a room on the floor below. So I really don't have a lot of options. You and me are gonna get real familiar. Perfect. Yep, just like Dad made me. Oh, I hate this time of year. That's cool, it's just my birthday. No, no, sorry.

It's just, see, I'm a doctor. And last December, I was sent to a town called Point Set a Point to, I think think learn the true meaning of Christmas. It's still not completely clear. I met a guy named Chris ever. Oh, it's getting juicy. No, no, no, no. It's not like that. He was a maniac. I believe Christmas could be used as medicine and had tricked an entire town into believing it too. It was honestly the most dispiriting moment of my medical career. I've traveled the world helping people since then,

but I still can't shake the nightmares. Okay, you trailed off there. Are you expecting me to say something in character? I mean, no pressure. I audited a few classes at UCB. Okay, just know, advise you in the manner of your Lord and Savior in all his perfect wisdom. You know what, never mind, I'm gonna go to bed.

No, no, no, wait, wait, I'll come up with something. Just ask yourself, what would me do? You know like the bracelet. Tabitha rises early the next morning and sets out for her first day of relief. She is not well rested in the slightest, but she had to get out of her room. Jesus kept her up half the night trying to remember what inspirational things he had said in the Bible, and she quickly learned that twice a day Mule Duky cleanings was just not cutting it.

She arrives at the temporary hospital that have been set up to accommodate the increasing number of sick residents. It is an abandoned hearties. Tabitha walks from Katta Kat assessing the patients before stopping and kneeling beside one. Hi, Mr. Soriano, is it? Yes, who's there? I barely have to strengthen over my eyes.

Good morning, sir. I'm Dr. Big City from Doctors Without Borders. I hope you don't mind, but I was hoping to ask you a few questions. You see, I've read about you in all the major medical journals and you're fascinating. Oh, thank you No, no, that's bad. How are you feeling? Well overall? I would say very very bad as you know I'm now officially the weakest human in medical history But after ways of therapy I can move my tongue to speak again, so that's something. That's wonderful. I have to ask though, how did this happen?

It's a mystery to me too, yeah. Yeah, but to get Pallagra and Barry Barry and Skurvy and Marasmus and Quasih York Corps and deficiencies of zinc, copper, chromium, fluoride, iodine, iron, manganese, selenium, calcium, potassium, magnesium, phosphorus, sodium, and vitamin A, B, C, D, E, and K, all at the same time. It's basically impossible. Like I say, it's a mystery. I was a healthy, strapping mind for the vehicle

before all this, and I eat a very balanced diet. Could you elaborate? Well, I could assume all the major food groups. I'm not trying to be pushy, but could you expand on that a bit? Well, heck, Doc, you know all the food groups, sugar, butter, peanut butter, snake or doodle, macaron, chocolate chip, thomping, gingerbread, the frosty ones from Walmart, the frosty ones from Cobra.

You know all the food groups. Wait, those are just different types of cookies. Well, y'all, hey, listen, if cookies are good enough for the big guy, they're good enough for me. The big guy? Are you giving me here? What kind of doctor are you? Santa, of course.

Santa. The big guy. The red suit. The beard that's white and the special night and all that. If milk and cookies are good enough for Santa, they could own up for rubber sorry, I know. So you were drinking milk too. These are good enough for Santa's. They're good enough for Robo Suriano. Oh. So you were drinking milk, too.

You know, that's odd. You would have thought. Oh, no. Not the milk part. Just the cookies. Well, why not the milk? I don't like milk. Oh, oh, OK.

Well, look, Doc, can I go back to resting my face muscles now? All these talking has made me just worn out. Sure, sure, sorry. Just let me know if there's anything I can do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Tabatha is shaken by this strange encounter. This patient's belief in a Christmas themed diet reminds her of the horrible experience she had in point set up point. And she begins to fear that something is very wrong here in Batavia.

As her mind trails off and worry, she rounds a corner and runs face first into someone carrying a very large cardboard box. Tabitha catches herself against the wall and begins to apologize to the stranger when he lowers the heavy box to the floor and looks back up at her smiling. Tabitha realizes that she is staring into the eyes of none other than Chris Evergreen. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Tabitha?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! see you there. What are you ha- are you following me? What's your deal, man? I took a self-defense

elective in high school back off. Oh, just told your courses there, Dr. Big City. I've been in Batavia for a while now. I had no idea you were coming. Heck, I'm probably here for the same reasons you are. There are people here in need of help and helping people. That's what I do. Tabitha still confused and frankly pretty freaked out. Looks down at the big cardboard box at her feet and gas and horror as she sees a red and green sweater with two elves building a snowman knitted on the front spilling out of the top. You and your Christmas crap!

You're doing it again! You're trying to fix these poor sick people with Christmas! You twisted weird moron! Oh no, no, no, no. You got it all wrong, Tabitha, I'm a different person now. I left all that Christmas stuff behind. Then what about that horrible sweater? I mean, horrible is a little much, isn't it? I'm a bit rusty, but it's still decent craftsmanship.

And you're probably gonna go wrap it around poor Mr. Soriano over there and heal them and shake some jingle bells over him in place of some IVs or some other crap like that right? No no no no no I mean it's for Robert but just because he's cold all the time from the complete lack of any human muscle tissue at all. I realize the era of my ways Tabitha, I know you were right about real medicine being real medicine and not Christmas stuff. If you don't don't believe me, just look under the sweater. Tabitha leans over and nervously moves the hideous sweater. She is surprised to find that underneath it

are actual medical supplies. Well, honestly, it's just a bunch of loose pills and some open band-aids. But still, medical supplies. Oh, wow. You were telling the truth. This is actual medicine. Sort of.

I told you, Tab, I'm a new man now, who's just trying to make the world a better place. Hey, by any chance, you wouldn't be interested in having dinner with this new man tonight, would you? Wow, Chris, I think maybe we got some signals, Chris, here. That's not really where I am right now. And did you just call me Tab? Never mind that.

Just have dinner with me. I see I'm a plan to save this place and make everything better. Just meet me the only remaining restaurant in the whole country tonight at 8 and I'll explain everything. The medicines, the medicines, the escalate macabre for the mouth. For Tabatha, it can protest further.

Chris rushes off with his box of pills. Tabatha, For Tabitha can protest further, Chris rushes off with his box of pills. Tabitha stares blankly for a moment considering her options and then shrugs as she resigns herself to get another odd evening with Chris Evergreen. The day rushes by and a blur of strange diagnoses that she would be more acquainted with seen in history books than in exam rooms. Sooner than she would like the workday is over and she finds herself walking into the last remaining restaurant in the tiny destitute country.

Noel Biscuit. Chris waves her over to his table in gestures for her to sit down. He has at least had the courtesy to order her a beer already. Oh, I'm so happy you came. I have to admit, I really wasn't sure if you would, but that's ridiculous, right? I mean, with these looks, what gal wouldn't show, am I right? Let's not, Chris. I came because you said you had a plan to fix this place

and I am a doctor and bound to help people buy a note and all that, so just tell me what's up. Well, first you have to understand the way things work here. Do you remember the point, Teddy, a point all the Christmas is medicine and stuff? Yeah, I remember it, dude. It ruined me. I've spent the last few years wondering the globe trying to find who I am and where I meant to be and regain the joy I once found in medicine

that weirdos took for me. Hey, I'm sorry about all that. I truly, truly am. Chris reaches across the table in an attempt to hold Tabitha's hand, and she just shakes her head and mouts the word, no, before downing her beer in one big gulp, which used this mate to realize is actually Agnog. So anyway, this place is sort of suffering from the same thing as the point, but worse, the new ruler is a terrible despot.

He has raided all the country savings to spend on Christmas stuff. Our education budget just went for tree ornaments. Our defense spending was for a bunch of nutcrackers and toy soldiers. Instead of infrastructure, money went into inflatables. So you've seen what's become of our healthcare system. It's cookies and candy canes and tensile and twinkling lights all over again. Something has to be done. That's terrible.

But it makes sense as to why the whole country is taking such a downturn in the last few years. Yeah, guys, just the worst. He blew all the money we had allotted for social security on a big Christmas parade, just so he could show off all of our holiday spirit power, hundreds of Christmas floats, and Christmas balloons, Christmas bands, and Christmas tanks. Wait, wait, wait, wait Christmas balloons, Christmas bands and Christmas tanks.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Christmas tanks? Yeah. You know, Christmas tanks. Anyway, it's a total mess. Before Tabitha has a chance to ask for more information on the aforementioned Christmas tanks, the waiter arrives carrying a baking sheet with fresh, warm, undecorated sugar cookies cut into adorable holiday shapes. He lowers it to the table with a flourish

and begins to arrange bottles of red and green icing as well as tiny shakers of sanding sugar, non-parallels, and candy snowflakes. Wait, I'm sorry, you must have the wrong table. We haven't ordered any food yet. It's a pre- a prefix, Madame. As it always is here at Noelle, be squeak. That's fine, I guess, but we haven't eaten any dinner yet.

You never brought us the main course. I'm sorry. The main course, the food, the dinner, food, not the dessert. Are you asking for something other than cookies? At these words, a collective horrified gasp can be heard through the restaurant. Oh. Oh.

Oh. A fork clatters that is dropped to a plate, the silence lengthens, a hawk cries somewhere in the distance. No, no, no, never. She just knew it was all. She hasn't been here before, cut her some slack. She'll be fine with the menu, I promise. Well, I guess, if that is the case,

we will forget your indiscretion this one time. You may go ahead and enjoy. The waiter does not leave, but stands and stares at them intently. Tabitha nervously reaches for a gingerbread man and brings the cookie slowly to her mouth to take a bite. The waiter draws in a tense breath.

No, no, no, no, don't eat it. Just decorate it. Just pick up some frosting and decorate the darn cookie. Tabitha holds the cookie suspended in mid-air, inches from her mouth. She reaches holds the cookie suspended in midair, inches from her mouth. She reaches for the icing and begins half-hazardly piping on thick red layers in a design that almost resembles half a sweater vest or perhaps a fatal stab wound.

LAUGHTER Truly embarrassing. Now, remember, stay quiet as you decorate so that we can hear the montage music and be certain to smile warmly at each other periodically from different angles so that we have options. And as always, don't eat them. Don't ever eat them. Well, then who eats them? Therefore, lays a church of God's cheese! There for the lizard church of God's cheese! The waiter throws up his hands in exasperation and then excuses himself to get the check.

And Tabitha and Chris, once again, find themselves alone. Yikes! If the prince doesn't find out, you try to order real food! What would I get fined? Beheaded, probably. What? You know what? Probably not. I don't want an international incident, but who knows, the prince is a monster. He only cares about celebrating Christmas as intensely and as possible.

He doesn't care who gets hurt to this result. I only hope that you and he never have to cross paths. I bet you're one of his least favorite people on earth. Excuse me, sir, but here's your check. Also, you seem to have left your crown in the urinal again. Oh, God! Wrap, yeah, okay.

You got me. I am the prince. But I did have you going for a little bit there, right? Chris, you, Chris Evergreen, are the Prince of Batavia? Yeah, most death, most death, most death. Yeah. It's a bit of a King Ralph situation. Literally moments after you left, when Teddy a point, I got a telegram that all the Batavia Evergreen

said died from smallpox. Chris Smallpox was eradicated globally in 1979, thanks to vaccines. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like a nostalgia thing or something. Anyway, I got called up to the majors

and decided to make a country where I and those like me was still be free to celebrate Christmas. What are you talking about? Who kept you from celebrating? Why? You did, Tabitha. Don't you know? No what? Oh, I forgot. You haven't been back home since that night. Poor sweet Tabitha. You insisting that night that Christmas wasn't medicine triggered a crisis of Christmas cheer that soon spread nationwide. I'm sorry to be the one to break the news, but because of the actions of you, Tabitha

Big City, Christmas is illegal in America. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. It's all true, Tabitha, Chestnuts, BAN, Candy Canes, BAN. Those little butter cookies in the blue tin that your grandma puts all our sewing stuff in. Ban. And it's all thanks to you and your high-falutin' big city ways, I guess.

You finally won the war on Christmas. I'm gonna go back to the hotel. Not so fast, Miss Big City. You're at the Sly's Miss Curious while you've been brought here? I assumed it's because your medical infrastructure was basically non-existent, which I now suspect is due to the country

being run by a sentient u-log. You cut to the core of me to have it though? But no, we don't need your alopathic voodoo. We've got hearts full of Christmas cheer. No, I brought you here because you're the one who killed Christmas and the way I figure it, you're the one who's going to bring it back. There's absolutely no way on earth that I'm helping you with literally anything. So again, I'm headed back to my room.

God sees her! An uncomfortable minute passes. Guards? Phil? I know, I know you're the only guard. Could you just... Could you hurry up the seizing a little bit? I know, the adult wants that mega-rec it's I get it. I do, I just...

Okay, so you're sitting down. Just taking a little break there, huh, champ? Okay, that's fine, no biggie. Are you crying? Oh, okay, God, just let him sit, let him sit. I'll go to your castle. Abandoned toys or us, but same difference. As Chris and Tabitha enter the main foyer of the toys are, I mean, the castle.

They are greeted by an imperial looking woman in Christmas themed robes and wearing a crown on her head. She is already staring coldly, as she approaches. So you were the little American tar who think she is good enough for my little crisp. I'm sorry. You should be calm in her. Who are you now?

I've been so excited for this moment. I just can't believe it's really happening. Okay, Tabitha, me, my mom, Queen Evergreen. Mom, this is Tabitha, the. Girl that I told you so much about. I would say charm to meet you, but as you may be able to tell, I am most certainly not. I think there's a bit of a misunderstanding here, your highness. We are not together.

This is sort of a, I was brought here by guards against my will situation if you get my drift. So the little Yankee peasant think she is the one who was too good for the bonafide prince. Is that your dream? Okay. What is wrong with all you people? You people? So prejudiced against Batavians too, I see. Her real catch this one.

Oh, mom, don't be so hard on her. She is a doctor, and she's getting help me bring Christians back to America. Okay, this is the second time you've said that. I have to ask, why in the world would I want to help you? Mom, would you give me in tabs a second please? I need a little privacy here. Oh, no trouble. Get basic. My only.

My only dear son, I'll just go hide my room like it goes. Don't mind me. Just your mother who gave up everything, advocated her actual crown so you could be in charge and do your Christmas thing. But no trouble at all. I'll just go with her quietly. room like it goes, don't mind me. Just your mother who gave up everything, advocated her actual crown so you could be in charge and do your Christmas thing. But no trouble at all. I'll just go with her quietly in the corner while you flirt with a little street archon.

Don't mind me. I've just been blowing up beach balls all day. Queen what you say, I know the crystal spirit is still hiding somewhere in that big, gooshy heart of yours. I just hadn't been able to figure out how to get to it until now. With that, Chris takes a bag off an abandoned Toysrush display case and then, you know, you're gonna be helping me. Because no matter what you say, I know the crystal spirit is still hiding Gooshy heart of yours. I just hadn't been able to figure out how to get to it until now. With that, Chris takes a bag off an abandoned Toys

or Us display case and reaches inside slowly. He begins to hum, arc the herald, like the peanuts characters do in the Christmas movie. As he reveals the contents of the bag to tap the, it is a small snow globe. It is clearly old and a bit scratch, but inside, the snow still swirls around a perfect little family skating on a frozen pond.

Tabitha takes the snow globe, her hands trembling a bit. This can't be real. How could you have found this? It's the last present my mom ever gave me for Christmas before she left my dad for that mall Santa on Arbor Day. It's my last memory of what Christmas, when it mids something to me. So, like, does that make you want to change your mind then?

I mean, does that make you want to help me? Well, I don't know. Maybe. I think, yeah, I think maybe I do care about Christmas after all. Ah! Okay, this is great. I mean, I really thought it would take a little more effort. I can't say I'm disappointed, but I do feel a little bad about Plan B now. Plan B?

I sort of kidnapped your dad. I had him thrown him the dungeon, and I was gonna threaten to kill him if you didn't comply. Tabitha's dad, Mr. Big City, is led into the room and changed. Oh, God, dad! Tabitha, honey, thank goodness you are here. Are you okay?

I am now that I know that Christmas will be saved. Oh, no. Yes, sir. That dungeon was no treat. And you all could really do with a bathroom and maybe some water down there somewhere or even just a floor that isn't constantly damp. But it was all worth it in the end, if my kidnapping and imprisonment for seven months

is what it takes to bring Christmas back to the good ol' U.S. of A, then sign me up. So they got to you too? Only if you mean that by, they got to my big, gooshy heart with Christmas spirit and goodwill, and yes, they sure did. Also, uh, they brainwashed me.

I'm fairly certain. But who cares anymore? Christmas! Good! Christmas! Good morning! Mr. Big City is let off singing Deck the Halls of the Top of his Lungs as Tabatha hangs her head and defeat. Slowly she turns to Chris. Okay, I quit.

What's your plan? You're gonna like the plan though, it's a really good plan. It doesn't really sound like I have much choice. Yeah, so I figure to get everyone's attention if we're gonna make a real impact in the US, the whole world is watching. I'm gonna do some of the all world media will be forced to cover.

Chris, that sounds terrifying, please just think about. Bukkin Pie. Sorry. Tomorrow night at 8 p.m. Phil's grandma, Nana Pibbles, is going to make the world's best pumpkin pie. So how does that do anything? The world's best tap-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p You think they're going to be able to ignore that? You think there's any news station on the planet that's going to miss showing their viewers the pumpkin pie

that makes all others look like simple piles of squash and bread? This is all nothing, obviously, but how can you even prove that it's the world's best pumpkin pie? It's right here in the Blessed Redeemer Baptist Church, 1979 Family Cookbook. See? Nana Pibbles' recipe for world's best pumpkin pie. Right here in the Blessed Redeemer Baptist Church, 1979 Family Cookbook. See?

Nana Pibbles' recipe for world's best pumpkin pie. Are you saying that Nana Pibbles is a liar, Tabitha? I guess not. So just the fine people of the Blessed Redeemer Baptist Church, huh? Dang, that's cold Tabitha, even for you. So what? I'm supposed to take a big bite and give a thumbs up to the camera. Don, from all this pumpkin pie is creamy.

United as all is a planet and has just the right amount of clothes. No, Tabitha. The pie is just the appetizer. The main course will be humble pie. So the pie isn't the dessert. It's an appetizer for the pie that follows the humble pie. So the pie isn't the dessert. It's an appetizer for the pie that follows the initial pie. Is there a dessert as like an as-yet-unnamed third pie or?

No, you're going to announce the world that you're very sorry for killing Christmas and that Christmas rules. And also, it's medicine. No! Five minutes later. No! Five minutes later. Oh! Tabitha's cry of despair is suddenly interrupted by the arrival of her two sisters, Beth and Mandy. Yeah!

Yeah! They come rushing over to her in a flurry of excitement, carrying armloads of toll and satin and sparkly necklaces and makeup palettes. To have with the stairs at them in confusion, unable to speak for a moment. Well, hello to you two, sis.

Not much of a royal welcome here, huh? Yeah, I'd expect better manners from a princess to be. What? A princess? What are you talking about? Why are you here? Why are you here? How are you here? What is happening?

You thought you could keep a secret like this from your own sisters. A prince, a castle, a romantic Christmas ball. The world's best pumpkin pie? No, no, no, no, there is no ball. I'm being held hostage, basically. Dad was in the dungeon. This guy's a moron who run his whole country

into the ground with his strange Christmas obsession. This is not a romance thing. Well, not with you looking like that. It's not. It must be hard to feel the magic in the air and those dingy scrubs. Yeah, just between you and me, sis, I don't know why you even wear them.

They look so, I don't know, sterile. They're supposed to look sterile, I'm a doctor! She just takes any opportunity she can during my visit, that doesn't she? I know right. Anyway, Tabs, we gotta get you all fancied up for the big ball now, so let's get a move on, huh? There's a lot to do if we're gonna make you into a princess that will definitely be proposed to by the end of this night.

We've got glasses to take off, hair to let down, a dress be to look uncomfortable in, and some quirky tennis shoes to go with the whole thing. Because hey, you still gotta be adorable, you know? No, no, no, this is really not the vibe here. How are you guys so misreading the situation? Hey, wait! Before Tabitha can stop them, the sisters have rushed her off to some sort of makeover montage, in which she is indeed transformed into a beautiful princess to be, at least by Christmas movie standards. Basically, she is wearing a prom dress and tennis shoes

and her hair is down. But the effect on Chris is obvious when Tabitha reenters the room. Just imagine that you were looking at the stage through a soft focus lens right now. Go ahead, just imagine it. Wow, Tabs, you just look... Stuff at Chris. I just can't with you right now.

Let's go to the stupid pie thing. It's 755 PM in the courtyard outside the abandoned Toys R Us. The crust of Nana Pibbles Pie is just moments away from being perfectly golden brown. In attendance, all of the world's media. Wow, this is so cool that you all came. Wow, so fun. What really makes this special though is the Christmas magic. You know the lights, the cookies, the music,

all the stuff we used to love before is totally ruined by this person right here, Tab of the Big City, my future girlfriend. Never, never, never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever to all the world's media? Okay, it pains me to admit this, but the pie is actually pretty choice. You know that's not what I meant. Fine, fine. For Snowbee. Wait, you named the Snow Globe? What about for my dad? Oh, yeah, for sure. Okay, deep breath.

The crowd falls silent. All eyes are drawn to Tabitha, and only partially because there's a big glob of pumpkin on her chin. Christmas is very cool. The script, please. Christmas is super sweet, and I'm really sorry I killed it. I promise I'll never do that again.

It was a total boner. And also... Go on. Tabitha Summons all her courage as she prepares to save her dad and beloved snow globe by betraying all that she holds dear But then the silence is broken by a low roar that grows increasingly powerful suddenly the gates first open and towns People flood the courtyard of the abandoned toys are us at their head holding a pitchfork is Jesus This is gone far enough ever green. Jesus, what are you doing out of the hotel?

My name is Carl. And I've had about enough. We all have. But Tavia used to be a good prosperous nation, but you've perverted it with your Christmas obsession. Oh, thank you, Jesus. Cole! Also you're welcome.

We're not doing this for you. We, the citizens of Tavia, demand a return to logic, a return to reason, a return, a return to reason, a return, a return to Easter! From his robe, Carl pulls a massive crate of colorful eggs and hoisted above his head. I'm done hiding. These precious babies have been under my bed for months and they smell terrible. My mother cured all manner of genetically transmitted diseases with these beautiful babies and so did her mother before her and her mother before her. Oh, come on.

We the people demand that we return to the old ways, to the ways of Easter, bring back Easter, bring back Easter, bring back Easter. Bring back Easter. Bring back Easter. Bring back Easter. Carl? Carl attempts to get the crowd to join in, and they either do or they don't. It's really up to them. Bring back Easter. Bring back Easter. And another thing. We want to go back to calling it Easter Island again, everyone. Bring back Easter. In the commotion, a jolly man sidles up to Tabitha. Oh!

Santa Claus! Oh, hold it down. Well, you're trying to lay low. Are you here to rescue me? Oh, no. No. Chris named me Minister of Defense, but... I know a coup d'etat when I see one.

We're getting outta here. Your dad's already in the sleigh. I can't believe it. All those years of being good are finally paying off. Hmm, actually, one of these y'all who stabbed me with a sharpened candy cane, and uh... I need you to stitch me up. What about Snowbee? Ah! I'll make you 20 of them.

Let's go! The End. Alright! Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture Artists don't? Audience supported. All right. Maximumfun.org

Comedy and culture. Artists don't. Audience supported.