Sawbones: A Marital Tour of Misguided Medicine - Sawbones: Home Alone

Episode Date: January 7, 2018

For your listening edification, Dr. Sydnee McElroy and her lovely assistant Justin McElroy are delighted to present a full accounting of the injuries likely sustained by the Wet Bandits. Music: "Medicines" by The Taxpayers

Saubones is a show about medical history and nothing the hosts say should be taken as medical advice or opinion It's for fun Can't you just have fun for an hour and not try to diagnose your mystery boil? We think you've earned it just sit back relax and enjoy a moment of distraction from that weird growth Your worth. I'm not a man. We came across a pharmacy with a toy and that's lost it out. We saw through the broken glass and had ourselves a look around. From that instance, the medicines that escalate my cow for the mouth.

Hello, and a joyous candlelight to you, Huntington West Virginia. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! So nice to be at home. And now, welcome to Saul Bones, a moral tour of Miss Guided Medicine.

I'm your co-host, Justin Tyler McAroy. Oh! Oh! And I'm Sydney Smirl, McElroy. And I'm Sydney, Smirl McElroy. It's fun. You know, I thought maybe on candle nights, maybe, um, that's all right. This is so exciting. I know it is. It's beautiful here.

In this wonderland. This canelite's Wonderland. And I get to sit at your desk. Yeah, the super desk, we call it. It's amazing. Actually, this desk is sort of a historic, I guess you could say. It's kind of a, they actually brought it from the Smithsonian here, which I thought was so sweet, because it's a good seven hours drive and heavy.

But it's probably a TV history in the hit series, mash, it was. No. Okay. No. So what festive candle lights medical lesson have you prepared for today's city? In past years, you've told us all the health problems

that Santa had. You told us all the different Christmas things that could kill you. Yep, that's true. What have you got for us this time? Well, I thought I would do something maybe a little more fun. OK, good. And I am not I am

aware that this has been done before but I we have not done it. So has it really been done? I would say not. I don't know. Technically speaking. So I wanted to talk about the movie Home Alone. talk about the movie Home Alone. Yeah! Now, I have not seen it, so this is going to be kind of a double education for me. I know that to be a lie. We have the entire collection on DVD in like a paint can. It's like a paint, it's like a gift set. It's adorable. It came with three and four, but I threw him in the trash. No, I don't want to. I'm only focusing on the original. I do love homolone, too,

but that seems like a good topic for next candleknife. Exactly. There you go. Hold up on that one. But if you have not seen the movie Home Alone, I'm assuming most people have. But just in case, in the film, there is an eight-year-old boy, Kevin, who is left home alone over Christmas by his family. Charlie watched this for the first time this year, and she was incredibly distressed. Just like,, like, she had to check it with us,

like four times, like, so his parents are gone. When I came into the room, I said, hey, Charlie, what are you watching? And she looked at me and she said, it's called they left him alone. She may be a little young for it, because of course, then the next part of the plot is that burglars try to break into the home, and the eight-year-old has to defend it by himself. I thought she'd be so joist, like, no, wait, just hang in there, because he's about to

just wreck shop on these two guys, and she didn't enjoy that part as much I was like oh, sorry, you're not broken you're only you're only free you don't have that like vengeance just like need it like I do at 37 Now before I get into so Kevin defends his home with a series of very dangerous tricks and traps and other things. And we'll get into why maybe some of these things are a little unrealistic, but before there are a couple of issues that nobody ever talks about medically in this film, early in the movie, early in the movie, Kevin has his whole extended family staying at his house, so there's lots of people in the house. And he is told he's going to have to sleep with Fuller,

who is his cousin, but played by his brother. Kirin. Kirin. Yeah, my whole friend. Kirin? I said some tickets out, but now he didn't make it. And he's, they laugh because they say, you're going to have to sleep with Fuller

and Fuller wets the bed. And then we see Fuller who is chugging a Pepsi and smiling at him the whole time. Which is like, I'm gonna pee on you. That's like a pretty good intimidation, new Fuller. And I just wanna say that from a medical standpoint, if his parents are aware that he has primary nocturnal in your recess, you know, the least they could do is try to restrict his fluid intake that close to bedtime. Okay. I mean, come on.

It's right before bed, he's chugging a Pepsi, really? That's true. That's true, sick. No one ever talked to that. Drag on. Well, the poor kid, come on. Yeah. But he's nasty.

Like, look at him. He loves wedding event. He loves it. I will also say, and I will not dwell on this, because it's pretty dark. But Kevin, while he's there alone, before the high jinks with the burglars take place, he needs to steal his brother's money.

So he climbs, he's in his brother's room, and his brother has all these like built-in shelves in his bedroom, and he climbs to the top of these shelves to get to the money on the top shelf, and he fully falls. It's savage. Like, and the entire... You watch this brutal. The entire shelving unit breaks and collapses on top of him. Mm-hmm.

And a tarantula falls on him. And he's fine. He like digs out from underrupple. It's ridiculous. Pulling broken boards off of him. He's a... The unkillable boy. But, uh, but he has vengeance in his blood

and he's going to, he's gonna take it out on the wet bandits, Marv and Harry, who are robbing all of the houses on the block because everyone leaves for Christmas. That's what everyone does in this neighborhood. They're far gone. Everyone leaves town for Christmas and leaves their presents at home.

Yes. All of the presents are wrapped under the tree at home. Nobody's gonna open them at home. Well, I wrapped them all, darling. Let's go. Let's go. So the... We'll be back January 7th.

The first injury that takes place. Kevin, he knows that the wet bandits are going to try to rob his home. He's seen them lurking around outside. They have figured out that while there is someone home, it's just an eight-year-old and they're fine with whatever darkness follows that train of thought. They're fine with it. They're going to break in.

And so they come to his door and there's a little pet door. And they're knocking on the door and trying to get him to let them in and they he sticks a BB gun through the trap door and shoots them in the groin and in the face with a BB gun. So that's the first question. This this actually probably wouldn't be that bad. Now disagree that's a hard disagree from a J-man. From a medical standpoint, I mean, it's a BB. And I, so in case you're curious, uh, classic, air-powered projectile weapons typically have muzzle velocities of 350 feet per second.

I didn't know that. I had to look that up. So, I guess that's not fast enough to, like certainly in the groin, I mean, he's wearing pants, thank goodness. And so, yeah, that movie would have taken on a whole different vibe. It probably wouldn't break through the fabric. So I mean, it would hurt his testicle. Like that would hurt, I assume.

But he would probably, I mean, it would probably heal. And when he gets shot in the head, that would probably have broken the skin, but it wouldn't like break his skull or anything. Not terrible. Now, there is a series of falls after this. There's some very icy stairs. Kevin has cleverly hosed down all of the stairways so that the burglars fall a lot as they try to enter the home.

And in parents, when they get there, we have to assume do not. Assuming that he's salted by that point. And you can assume this same kind of thing. There are multiple falls. He sets up a trip wire for him at some point. He puts a bunch of micro machines that they step on and slip and fall.

And in general, from all of these falls, they just kind of get kind of rattled. It's kind of like cartoony. Like you expect to see like stars going around their head and then they just stand up and keep going. And that is probably unrealistic. Yes. Especially when they fall, Harry falls down

an entire flight of stairs, correct? Right. Going into the basement. And they're hard concrete stairs that are now covered in ice. And he falls all the way down them. I'm expecting definitely some fractures, probably some herniated discs.

Internal bleeding could have resulted. I mean, probably some herniated discs. Internal bleeding could have resulted. I mean, they're falling on hard surface. No, okay, indefinitely. In difference to Christ Columbus, not that, no, Christ Columbus, sorry. The director. In difference to Christ Columbus, he could have been bleeding internally.

Like, it wasn't depicted on screen, but it's like, there's every chance. It's internal, so it's possible. I just think if the first time that they fall down an entire flight of stairs, if they're not suffering some sort of broken bone or something, they're not even limping, by the third time that they fall, something should have happened.

Something's gone wrong. Something's gone wrong. Something should have gone wrong. The next injury, and most people probably remember this one. So Kevin has cleverly rigged the front door knob to be very hot. But a grill lighter on it, right? Yes, and it is so hot that it is glowing red. That's a really hot door knob.

I mean, if it's glowing red. That's probably one of the top three hot doorknobs he's ever touched. You could estimate that it could be over 700 degrees. I mean, it's a very hot doorknob. So when Harry grabs it, Harry grabs it right, yeah. And he grabs it, he doesn't just let go quickly either.

He grabs it and holds it long enough for comedic effect, which is, I appreciate. And to put this in context, if you come into contact with water, that's 155 degrees for one second, you'll get a third degree burn. So he's got his full palm on this doorknob for three or four seconds. And then his hand, now it has not burst into flame, which it could have. That would have been something. That seems like a missed opportunity, Chris. Theoretically, it could have, probably not, but it's possible, but it doesn't burst into flame.

It does smoke, and then he sticks it into the snow and it steams, and then he's got a nice M because they're very, they must be very rich. That street, are you kidding me? In this economy? Yeah. In that economy, I guess. A monogrammed doorknobs from a callister and then he has an M on his hand afterwards. That, it was definitely a third degree burn

at the least he's gonna have a ton of scarring. He's gonna have problems with that hand for a long time. He needs to be seen immediately in a hospital. He needs skin grafting. It's never gonna function the same. Now, okay, untrue, I saw him a alone too, he's fine. LAUGHTER Now, the next trap is that as any eight-year-old in a suburban neighborhood will know, you have access to industrial strength tar

whenever you need it. And so, he coats the stairs from the basement with tar and this is very effective in removing marves shoes. That's not really an injury, but it sets you up for the next injury, which is that he is cleverly hidden one nail, sticking straight up on those stairs. It's a savagery, y'all. It would have gone through the shoe.

Like, it's twisted. But he's removed his adversary shoe, so there is no shoe. So instead, of course, and there's only one nail, so I mean, the odds that he was going to step on it. He knew exactly what he was doing. So he steps right on the nail. It goes right into his foot. This, of course, would be, I think, incredibly painful.

I think we're going to agree on that. You're looking at a lot of damage. I mean, it's a deep puncture wound. And so definitely it could hit some tendons. You could have a lot of damage, but my bigger concern is infection. So a deep wound like that, and I mean, we're assuming it's a dirty nail,

and I mean, you could get tetanus, that is one concern certainly, but you could get all kinds of deep infections and cellulitis. I guess if we're playing out the worst case scenario, he ends up with an amputation from this. He doesn't. I saw him lying to him.

He also, while he's in the basement, Kevin has cleverly rigged what looks like at one of those pole string light bulbs to turn on a light in the basement. But instead, it's connected to an iron. I'm going to iron the iron you're close with. And so when he pulls the string, an iron comes down. It's so good. It's really funny. And smashers right in his face.

It's great. Now, with that kind of impact, it looks about 15 feet and iron weighs about four pounds, he definitely broke some bones in his face. I mean, he should be walking around the rest of this film with giant raccoon eyes, for sure, a broken nose, it would be very bloody. There should be lots of broken bones there.

Oh, I'm a lot of blood. Also, if you get those kind of fractures, you got to worry about like your little eye muscles that make your eyes move, can get trapped in those fractures, and then you can't move your eyes. That's a serious emergency. This is not addressed. Agreed. Yes, fair.

Fair Dr. McRae does not. Correct. Uh... I'm not addressed. Agreed, yes, fair. Fair Dr. McArate is not. Correct. Uh. Lessons for medicines that ask you let my cops fall the mouth. Eventually, at some point, he gives up coming up

through the basement and ends up climbing through a window, which I don't blame him after all those injuries. Yeah. So he climbs through a window and steps directly into a bunch of glass Christmas ornaments that Kevin has cleverly left on the ground there for someone to step on. Now this is probably after already getting smashed

in the face with an iron and having a nail driven through your foot. This is probably pretty benign. I mean, it's gonna be, let me say this, he really steps on all those glass ornaments. Like, he doesn't even try to avoid them. He just continues to grind that glass into his bare feet because he's lost his shoes.

And that would take a long time to pick out all that glass, which is what you'd need to do. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, meanwhile, you're probably wondering, but what's going on with Marv? Well... I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I's no there's no bee begun there. He checks the door knob there. It's not hot. So he is bursting through the back door. He's coming in. He's very angry at this child now. And as he comes bursting through the door, it is rigged to a blowtorch. And as he pushes his way into the door, the blowtorch goes off right on his head. And he stands in that flame. It's like seven seconds. It's a long time. They should have been called the slow reacting bandits.

He stands in screams and is clearly an agony for a very long time as the top of his head is being burned with the blowtorch. And then he runs out against his head in the snow. And I mean, the worst, it's like, oh, he's lost some hair and his hat is gone. This kind of intensity of flame for that duration of time probably would have melted his skull to some extent.

You've definitely lost, I mean, the skin and the hair and the hat fine. But there's probably going to be some areas where the skull is actually... Like, open now. That was not addressed. So, it's so small melt this thing. At this point, they should even do that. Like, skull shinin'. Harry is still alive against all odds, but he should not be.

Just from this alone. There are more injuries to come, but just from that alone, that should be the end of Harry. Now, before I get into the rest of the havoc that Kevin reeks on these, I actually, I'm beginning to feel sorry for the wet bandits at this point. One question that, as I've seen this film, and I've read about all these injuries

and thought about what would happen, I started to wonder about the legality of all this. Because it seems, I know you're allowed to defend your own home, but I feel like there's a limit, right? Like to what you can do legally to people who are trying to invade your home. Correct. There's like, stop them from hurting me,

and then there's like torturing them. But we don't know. But I don't know, because I'm just a doctor. I'm not a legal expert. So we thought we would invite some family. Oh, my God. So please welcome the host of Quarter Pointed, Michael Meadows and Tommy Smirl.

Michael, if you don't listen to Quarter Pointed, Michael Meadows and Tommy Smirl. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what's the story on Kevin's sort of Castle doctrine here? Well the first thing you got to look at and it took place in Illinois in Chicago I believe correct yeah, all right, so we got to look at Illinois law Okay, it takes place there so Illinois actually does have a castle doctrine and they have something on the books and it's a 720 I LCS I'm not in Illinois law here. I don't know if that stands for

Illinois law code superior. Sure. I think you made that one up. Anyway. You just have to say it with confidence. That's a secret. It stands for Illinois law code superior. You got it. Good.

I bought it. And it reads use of force and defense of dwelling. And a person is justified in the use of force against another when and to the extent that he reasonably believes that such conduct is necessary to prevent or terminate such others unlawful entry into or attack upon a dwelling. So they have the castle doctrine there. So Kevin's cool. Well, for the most part, like any good law, it goes on.

There's some exceptions. And the use of, or a force, that is, well, it says, the use of force, which is intended or likely to cause death or great bodily harm, which I understand that most of these are. You were talking about melting skulls. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So don't burn a hole in your head. See, we don't address that one, but I hope that's something split. Sorry, don't do that. By the way, don't burn a hole in your head. So you're allowed to use this kind of excessive force or great bodily harm if there's two exceptions. The entry is made or attempted in a violent riotous or tumultuous manner and he reasonably believes that such force is necessary to prevent an

assault upon or offer personal violence to him or another in the dwelling. Okay, tumultuous, yes, I would grant. They're very tumultuous people, by and large. Well, they leave all the water on in the house. Yeah, for sure. That's what tumultuous means. It's kind of, well. It's reckless. It's reckless, for sure.

But they would probably, I mean, I guess they could have left whenever they wanted, right? Yeah, I mean, I think weren't there some kind of over threats they made to Kevin when they were trying to come in the house? Like, yeah, I guess that's true. They do. I mean, they do. Well, it's like that. We're gonna get you a little Pipsqueak kind of stuff. Oh, that's pretty serious. Yeah. And also they had killed all those other people. They cut that out. That's I don't think that's true. They cut that out. That's on the, in the collector's set,

they have some deleted scenes, and they kill a bunch of people. It makes the whole thing make a lot more sense, honestly. Well, I think where Kevin loses that argument is he's having too much fun doing it. That's a very good point, Tommy. Thank you for bringing it up. He's enjoying himself a great deal. I think the little twerp just has a torture fetish going on.

That sounds about right. He does seem to be acting with a lot of malice. Does that matter? Well, I mean, it could matter. And there's actually this log is on to read that there is an exception that you're not going to have any civil liability for any kind of defensive your home. So basically if somebody tries to break into your house and you use force to defend it and

then you hurt them and then they try to sue you for the injuries that you put on them with the paint buckets or whatever. So anyway, there's a bar for any kind of civil litigation from that. But one of the exceptions is that you're actually allowed to sue them if the use of force involves willful or wantson misconduct. So that's an exception. So Kevin may be in trouble civilly for this. I never addressed that. You know, since Kevin's so little,

they'd probably have to take it to small claims court. Oh, woof, woof, so daisy. Got that tad joke in. Oh, woof. What about the idea of the setting traps? Like, the things that he doesn't directly do to them? Well, but what if he wasn't there? You set all these traps and then you just go hide.

Oh, about the spring gun. Tell him about the spring gun. Oh, Tommy, Tommy hears me talk about spring guns all the time. It's my favorite subject I learned about in law school. So a spring gun is a gun that you rig at your house like with the shotgun pointing at a window with a wire. So if somebody opens the window, the gun shoots the window. Basically, it doesn't discriminate. It just shoots somebody, and nobody's at the house.

So the reason this is such an interesting thing in the legal field is because it illustrates the principle that you're not allowed to use deadly force to defend property. So that's kind of a different. So Kevin does have to stay to wage this battle. He has to be present for the whole thing. Yeah, he leaves and leaves the traps behind, then he's liable. Oh, that's a whole different thing.

Because then he doesn't have that component of personal fear. All right. Could you ever make the argument in court, hey, kid, why didn't you just call the cops? I would. I mean, I usually base my arguments off who's paying me, so it's kind of a pain. All right, thank you. To get a play of Lesage, I want Big Round of applause for Michael Metta's and Tommy Spurrow,

a part of Point of Fame. We've got a, all right, Sid. We got some other injuries. All right. I have a few more injuries to talk about. There is a classic scene where somebody gets sort of tart and feathered. It gets that part gets dark. It's like, yeah, Kevin, we know.

You're winning. Yeah. It's not really. I don't know that it's an injury. It's just, yeah, again, I think he's actually in with malice. But then we've got to discuss the, I think what everybody, if you like home alone, if you've seen it, you remember the paint cans.

So Kevin has rigged these paint cans. We'll assume they're full. From the top of the banister, the stairway going into the house, so that as they start to climb the stairs towards him, he can let them go, and they swing down, and smack both of the burglars right in the forehead. So, again, assuming that these paint cans are full,

that's about 10 pounds, they are hitting them in the face with roughly two kilo-nutenon of force in the face. Which should be enough, again. Now, we have already established that Marv has broken many bones in his face, but to break any bones that aren't broken, it should totally smash their noses, their orbits. They should sustain multiple fractures. And then at the same time, neither of them

should have any teeth left after this. And they probably now have some intracranial himmerging going on. OK. And that's in addition to the melted skull. OK. Now, the tarantula, which we mentioned was set up earlier in the film. We knew it was coming back, because it's

been wandering around the house. The tarantula is used really not so much as a weapon as an instrument of fear. In order to escape when they've almost captured Kevin. In order to get away, he sees the tarantula. He grabs it and he places it on Harry's face. There's really no reason to be afraid of of ranches. They're There a lot of people are getting way into them and I don't even think they should be that tripped out by it No, I I agree with you. I actually don't think there's really any injury here

He just freaked him out perfect. They should be that tripped out by him. No, I agree with you. I actually don't think there's really any injury here. He just freaked him out. Perfect. They should know better, really. But what this results in is Harry tries to very, very, hopefully remove the tarantula from Marv by swinging a crowbar at it. Don't worry, the tarantula is not harmed. It escapes.

But he does smack his partner in crime in the chest with a crowbar, very hard. And his reaction to this is just kind of a, oh man. And that would not be his reaction. He definitely, I mean, he was right on his sternum. He definitely cracked some ribs there. Maybe that ended up with a punctured lung.

You have to worry about, I mean, there's that whole thing where if you hit somebody in the chest right at the right moment, maybe made his heart stop. I don't know. I just know that he should walk away with definitely some broken bones in his chest. For sure. And maybe it stopped heart.

Well, he's not walking away with that fair Thank you, Dr. Macarise They again they almost catch him there when he he zip lines from the house to his tree house in a very cool Mo, cool moment I think it's cool. Yeah And they try to follow him along the rope climbing climbing along the rope, and he gets the hedge clippers and cuts the rope and so both of them swing down, fall from the rope, fall from, I don't know, about 10, 15 feet, so something like that. Anyway, and again, a lot of these same kind of injuries, I would expect some fractures,

I would expect probably some spinal damage at this point. Fun, cool. You know, some perhaps perhaps to the cervical spine, maybe they're paralyzed. I'm hilarious. We don't know. They seem to get up from this pretty easily. Oh, stop up and stitches.

And they chase him into the neighbor's house where he is finally calling the police, and they catch him now. And at this moment, before the final injury of the film, they catch him. And they are, I will say, they do mean to inflict damage on this poor eight-year-old boy. Because they say, we're going to bite everyone in your fingers off, isn't it? Yes. And you may be wondering, can you bite a finger off? Are you?

Yes. Yeah, I guess I was wondering if you can buy the finger off. And I would say, of course you can, especially if you go through a joint. I mean, I'm not saying you should, I'm just saying you could. Okay. But the moment of truth seems to have arrived, we're worried about little Kevin,

but then the kindly neighbor man who Kevin has been. Hello, I'm kindly neighbor man. Who Kevin had been afraid of until he realized he was just a nice guy. Spoiler alert. Comes up, I think we've already done that. Comes up behind the wet bandits and smashes them on the head and then the face with a snow shovel. Now this blow actually knocks them out.

That's a good shovel. Listen, I know what these cats should have inflicted already on themselves. That's a very good shovel. It really of all the things that they've survived, I would not expect this to be the thing that causes them to be unconscious, but it is. And so if they have been hit hard enough to lose consciousness, again, we're probably dealing with at the very least a concussion, but probably some intracranial bleeding or some sort of other injury, and with combined with everything else

that they've been through through the evening, I'd be very worried about their mental status at the end of this. I certainly don't think they're going to walk out to the car and handcuffs to the police car screaming like they do, yelling at the kids. Yeah, the more you, the more you should get them to. It's a great point, happy holidays everyone.

I thought this was fun. Yeah, it was fun. Folks, we have so much more for you tonight. Canalites is just beginning. I hope you're pumped. We've got more podcasts and more fun for you. And it's going to be one hack of a night. Thank you to the taxpayers for letting us use the song

Medicines is the intro, Nacho, of our program. Thank you to the taxpayers for letting us use your song, Medicines is the intro, now, to our program. Thank you to Max from a network for having us as part of their extended podcasting family. Thank you to the beautiful city hall auditorium and the city of Huntington. Thank you to you for coming here to our house. I promise we'll put on a good show for you.

But until next time, here on Sub-Ont's, my name is Justin McRoy. And I'm Sydney McRoy. And as always, don't drill a good show for you. But until next time here on Sub-Ont's, my name is Justin McRoy. And I'm Sydney McRoy. And as always, don't drill a hole in your head. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Alright!

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