Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - Bucket Crotch Baddies

Episode Date: August 28, 2023

It’s a bug-filled week for Sophiena and Emma, with both of them having insect mishaps! We hear from a few ladies who also have to do the ‘Bath water boogie’ after entering a body of water, and we’re told about an unfortunate itchy legs consequence!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. This podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. Yeah, you can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous.

And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the secret mom club how's your week been do you want to do me first or should i do you first i think i went first last week so why don't you go first this so how was your week no as well you do your week first i'll do you do me i went first week, so you should go first this week. If I'm honest, I'm kind of delaying it because I still have no idea. What you've been up to. It's just all rolled into one big mass.

Every day is a riot. You can't remember what's happening because it's the summer holidays. It's just, it's merging. And every day is the same. No idea what day of the week it is. Absolutely no idea. And do you know what's more annoying is that Chris doesn't idea what day of the week it is. Absolutely no idea. And do you know what's more annoying is that Chris doesn't know the days of the week either.

Well, he actually doesn't know them. Like, has he learnt them? Oh, he learnt them at school. Right. He just... That would be a cause for concern. He woke up the other day and he was like, bloody hell, it's Thursday.

No, it's not. It's Wednesday. I told him. Then he spent the whole day thinking it was Thursday. So bloody annoying. But we did go to Poulton's Park. Oh, yeah. I don't feel like I've shared this with you.

Peppa Pig World. We did pop down to Peppa Pig World. So that's probably the highlight. The highlight, really. And the weather's been better. Yeah, it's been nice, isn't it? So nice. So we've been enjoying some outside time.

Nice. So we went to Peppa Pig World. Peppa Pig. Pick up a penguin. So hard, isn't it? All the P's. So many P's. We had one last week as well.

A P tongue twister. How was it? I put Dottie on a... Well, to be fair, right? She always says, yeah, I really want to do that ride. I really want... I'm going to do that ride when I'm four.

And then I'm like, okay, you're four now. She's nearly five. And then she said, I'm not going to do it until I'm five. I was like, but you're five in a week. So we might as well just whip it off like a band-aid yeah it wasn't a week it was

two weeks isn't it it's not a birthday for like two weeks beginning of september yeah yeah so i was like oh it's your birthday in like a week should we just do it and she's afraid you she was like no no i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna do it and then she eventually was like yeah you put her on it yeah what she was like yeah what is the ride can you describe it to me it's like a so you know the ones where you sit in the seat and the harness comes over but your legs are hanging okay so you're not actually on the train the train's at the top yeah it does like a flying that's quite like a grown-up one really grown up so we're in this queue met this lovely man he we were chatting to him and his daughter followed followed us on tiktok so she

was so sweet and we were talking to this her her dad chatting for him for the whole duration of the queue which i thought was great totally took her mind off the fact that we we were going on this ride so we watched them go on waved off and then they come back and then they got us in put us on the front oh that's the best yeah when you're 25 not five so when you're either front or back the front or back's the worst middle we needed to go middle solves the riddle but she was like no no no go on the front she had full view full view of the ride full face everything yeah yeah so we got on this ride and she was like mom i'm really excited lady come next to us and she was like oh you're brave you're brave going on the front i was actually i was like shut up dotty was like what was she talking about brave i was like oh nothing nothing it's just

you're brave for going on this ride oh shit you're not right we were going up she was waving to chris because she could see him down below went up on this roller coaster and then the moment we got to the peak, she just went. And she was like, mummy, I didn't stop. I think I wet myself about three times. She didn't love it. She got off at the end and she was like, it was the fact that she had her eyes closed halfway around. And she was like, is that how they have it?

And then we got off. And Chris goes to her, did you love it? And she was like, yeah, I loved it. I had the best time. He was like, did she really? I was like, I don't know. She had her fucking eyes closed. And we're screaming the whole time.

She had her eyes closed the whole way around. So that was, yeah, that was the. Oh, I'd love to have had a camera on her. Were there i did that once in i and then got trolled oh i put on the caterpillar ride and she shit herself so i filmed it because i thought it was it was funny bearing in mind she'd asked me i don't go on the i don't tell the children to do these rides they yeah they want to i always give them the option yeah i don't tell them you've got to do it and i hold them at you know banana point and say you must get on this ride you know they want to do it yeah they got on it and they enjoy it um but yeah i took on this caterpillar ride and she was like this obviously i got the picture i saved the picture what were people saying oh that i was horrible

that she'd stop breathing. Oh, why would you film her? My mum fucking would chuck me on with no adult assistance. Yeah, my sister fell out of a ride once at a fairground. I won't name them, but yeah. Exactly. You know, and we're still here to tell the tale. Exactly. And the amount of times we used to go on and I used to say to mum,

my harness, I remember mimicking to my mum, my harness is broken. My harness, mum, it is broken my harness mom is broken oh you're fine you're fine shut up just hold on tight gravity will keep you in christ at least i went on the ride with someone on the ride with her and colby not anywhere to be seen uh yeah you can't even get him on the he wants to go on the seals so the seals are probably capped at about three to five years old and he's seven he's still happy to ride the seals right he's not he's not yeah he's not there not a thrill seeker he's not on the wild side no dotty though she is wild yeah she would happily yeah fly a plane if she could she she wants to wing walk in she said the other day i'll just jump out

of an airplane i'll do it um okay joke we might have to say for like the age limit yeah yeah no two completely different completely opposite that's funny isn't it and then he gets Colby gets really bored he's like I'm really bored of waiting he's like the mum he just like stands at the bottom and holds all the coats and the bags yeah the well my in my case it's my dad my dad is the bag holder no that used to be my mum and my dad used to just film everybody and we have all this footage from when we were children and my dad. My dad is the bag holder. No, that used to be my mum. And my dad used to just film everybody. And we have all this footage from when we were children. And my dad's in none of the footage. Yeah.

Because he just filmed. They're always behind the camera. The camcorder. But now it's on the opposite foot. Now I'm behind the camera. So Chris is in all this lovely family footage. Oh, yeah. Lovely family photos of him and the children.

Where am I? Dead. Nowhere to be seen. I say that to Stefan all the time. I'm always getting my camera out and capturing cute moments between him and Joseph. Do they do it? Absolutely nothing of me. Nowhere to be seen. I say that to Stefan all the time. I'm always getting my camera out and like capturing cute moments between him and Joseph. Do they do it? Absolutely nothing of me.

I've started filming myself. That's why I do social media so that when it comes to my funeral, there's footage of me. So he doesn't have to worry. Forward planning. You can save money. I thought,

take pictures of myself. Load them on my social media. If I die, free footage. You can have like a best bits. Yeah. Like when you get evicted from Big Brother. That's literally my dream free footage you can have like a best bits yeah like when you get evicted from big brother that's literally my dream come true i want like a best bits of my life i keep dropping hints to stefan but he's got no video footage of me whatsoever

i'll start filming you if you see me through your window so no other than that the weather's been great we've been having a great week that's lovely i want to do the pepper pig thing we're just getting into it joseph's at a really good age yeah where it'd just be so mind-blowing i've heard a lot of good things about it really good yeah it's really good i would say the as in pepper pig world is the best bit it's but what you said because i thought i was under the impression that the whole of paulton's park was Peppa Pig World. But you're saying it's just a small part of it. Back in the olden days, it was a hoot hoot at Poulton's Park with the little parrot. Parrot?

Was it a parrot? An owl. It was an owl. But Poulton's Park as a whole is like the theme park. Right. And then there's a section in it. That's Peppa Pig World. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. But there's other bits he can do outside of that. He might be a bit young, but. I don't know. I was taking mine from a year. I can't wait to get him on rides.

I love a scary rollercoaster. What about Stefan? Is he a rollercoaster? Yeah. Oh, wow. He is, yeah. So I hope Joseph is as well. What are you going to do if he hates?

Well, he can hold the bags. Yeah. You're five. Just stand there. We'll be back in half an hour. Could be handy, actually. But it's actually really handy. To have a designated person person it was always handy that my mum didn't like rides because it was like we all went yeah that's my dad on the rides we had a great time i could take loads of shit with me i'd just be like

my dad i'll hold it yeah i don't have to worry about it went on holidays to orlando in florida and did all the theme parks so did we my mum's absolute worst nightmare but a great person to have there my my my dad's worst nightmare but my mum, my mum was like, what? Yeah. You need the person that doesn't go on the rides, right? Yeah. You need that person. Yeah.

Best thing of all, though, my mum, bless her heart, is disabled, but it's bonus growing up because she, we used to take it in turns. Yeah. So she'd have to go through the exit because she's had hip replacement, but I, we used to take it in turns. So on the cue jump, my sister would go, then my brother, then me. So it was great growing up. And my mum was such a thrill seeker.

Bless her heart, no, she can't do it now. No. Because it's too painful on her hips. Yeah. Jiggles are around too much. You get past an age where you can't do it anymore. Yeah. Yeah.

So it was quite fun growing up. But anywho. Sounds like you had a fun week. I had a great week. What about you? Oh, we've had a tough time oh with teething fuck we've gone so far and it's been so good have i spoken about it before yeah we did right at the very start right so right at the start i think when we started the podcast joseph was like 15 months he's like 18 nearly 19 months now yeah when does it end because it seems like it goes on forever when does what end teething yeah but once you're over teething

it's just something else he's got enough teeth to eat now i think we should just stop it there stop no more have you checked inside how many he's got he won't let me look in his mouth it's really hard to get a look in there sometimes I shove my finger in his mouth don't you just finger his mouth I do try and do that

sorry about that he doesn't always let me and sometimes he thinks it's like a game that he's supposed to bite my finger so I don't want to encourage that

but what I think you can see coming through are like the canines which are like the fangs yeah they're big ends on the bottom these seem to be the worst ones we've ever had like even worse than the back ones yeah and he hasn't even

got the top ones yet so i'm dreading when they come through but oh my christ like if you get do you get him to rub your teeth and if you i used to say to the babies oh you do mine and then i say oh now mommy do yours oh i that's a good trick because i do that when i'm trying to get him to clean his teeth oh yeah in the bath which is a nightmare i do pretend to do mine we pretend to do all the toys and then we do do you do it when you're brushing his teeth do you check him you just can't really get a good look in there but i know they're the ones that he's got coming through next and they just seem to have been the worst so far like this morning he woke up screaming at 4 30 the other day we had 4 45 and i i think like oh we'll go back down to sleep no that's it then

he's like up for the day and it's light out was it light oh i know it's not no not at the moment no but we try and like get him back to bed put him in our bed there's just no getting him back to sleep so the other day did it on a saturday we were up from like the day seemed so long because we were up at like quarter to five on a saturday i mean i get up at half four for work yeah so it must have did not feel normal for you no but like a saturday should be my lying day like by that point in the week i'm shattered i mean i'm always shattered but like i feel like you made an oath and you birthed the baby out of your vagina i didn't do that out the sunroof but still birth is birth you still carried the baby for nine months in your uterus yeah was it your uterus i think it is is it in the womb or the uterus a womb is just a non-scientific term for the uterus

i think don't quote me on that oh so we don't have one of each no it's the same thing you're taking the piss no you're trying to make me look stupid so doctors get in touch but i think that's right the uterus is just the way oh okay well you carry it for nine months in your uterus regardless how we come out yeah um this is kind of what you signed up for no but i didn't know it was going to be like this and also i think you get used to a certain level of comfort like he started sleeping through the night napping really well he's been on a really good routine i think when you get used to that you come to expect it.

And then when that gets broken and he's suddenly waking up at 4.30, you're like, what the fuck is this? What the fuck? And you feel like you've lived a whole life, truly, by like 9 a.m. And we're like, it's nine o'clock. Like we wouldn't even have been up before we had a baby.

Do you take a little nap? No, we were talking about this last week, weren't we? I can't really. I used to be a big napper because of my shifts before i had a baby i would always nap during the day now i can't really my ability to nap is just gone because i feel like there's always other stuff you need to be doing yeah oh i'm looking after the baby so i can't i can't really no so i don't i'm just up then and then i just try and go to bed really early to make up for it but god it's and he's dropped all his naps has he or no he does still have a nap during the day but again like there's during

that time there's washing to be done there's dinner to be cooked when the baby naps there's cleaning to be done yeah the biggest myth of parenting nap when the baby naps never happens it doesn't ever happen and you're so stressed as well when they're brand new and you're like just watching them make sure they're still breathing i cannot watch i know it's now even now like if the children cry or something happens or they scream i say to chris i'm staying here you go check them i can't go into their rooms and check them because i get so scared yeah or we used to have one of those worst thing in the whole entire world for me personally anyway it just used to give me the fear of god up my bum hole these sensor pads that you put under the

baby's mattress oh we never had those i think that may make you worse i was so fucking stressed because colby used to roll off of the sensor yeah and then you'd be like he's not moving and then you're like in the bedroom i said chris you can't fucking check no you can't go and check he's saying the baby's not breathing chris she's coming in like he's just rolled off i feel like you can have too much knowledge that was that can have too much knowledge. That was just too much. I would never, ever recommend one of those or ever do that.

There's those anklets you can get now that like monitor every movement and like heartbeat. And they give you so much information. I'm like, I don't even want to know all of that. I would constantly be checking my phone. They'd never had it when we were little. No, but my mum's like, look, we never had monitors and we were fine. And I'm like, no, mum, you just probably like had the door closed had two other children couldn't hear me screaming for you so you know she done a great job look at you now don't complain at our poor woman thank you but yeah it's been enough it's been tough i just can't wait for it to be

over and then apparently when the backpack teeth come that's even worse so something to look forward to we could what we could do is gather together and just all lie and say that everything's gonna be okay everything's gonna be all right everything's gonna it's not though it's not it's not it's not you're fucked it just gets worse you're up shit creek with no paddle if i'm honest with you you might as well fucking chuck your oar in kick back have yourself avy, and kiss your furry bud goodbye. Because this shit is fucking hard. It's not that the children are hard work,

they're just so fucking different. And I'm like, I've turned into like this multiple personality person. Colby shouted at me the other day because I'm a FIFA. Did I tell you that? No. So he's playing his game. He's like, mum, I need you to come up and help me with Fortnite and FIFA. So I went upstairs and he was like, right, we're going to play FIFA. I was like, i was like cool i'm down with the kids i'm a gaming mum i got this shit in the bag so i was like they're playing away and he's like mum go defense go midfield strike strike and i was like

uh yeah and he was like no do you know what mum i think it's best if you just put the controller down and watch me you watch me play i was like thank you so he was like i'll tell you what mum we'll turn fifa off we'll put fortnight on i don't fucking know what fortnight is i've got no idea and he's there and he's like move to the left move to the right jump mum i'm behind this garbage can i was like what i don't know i can't be i don't know what's happening you know what so my friends are parents of older children they're like having to do minecraft like building all these like minecraft worlds and i don't know i'm not looking forward to that i just can't and he just said you know what mom i think it's best you just you just leave you just

leave yeah you can either sit here and watch me play or you can just go downstairs tell you what just play the computer so i just play the computer so i went downstairs he only wants me though when i'm playing crusty kitchen for spongebob because i whack out those burgers like no man's business give me a patty any day i'm with patrick and down with he loves me on that one but anything else no get out then i went downstairs i had to turn into american barbie didn't i oh my god so chris had got out for the day he was like are you okay no i don't know whether i'm coming or going i don't know whether i'm in barbie's dream house or american barbie i don't know what I'm in Barbie's dream house. I don't know if I'm like Ronaldo or American Barbie. I don't know what's going on.

But no, yeah, it just gets harder. It doesn't get harder. It just gets... Never gets easier. Different. Yeah. I'm still waiting for my manual. Have you had yours?

No. No. It's winning it, mate. Anybody that's got one, if you could just send it in to www. Emma and I want to hear from you. We do. We want you to join us in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome.

You can share your secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about, or just say hello. Hello. You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod, or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. Now, we're still getting more bath,

bath, river Nile comments. I'm telling you. They're still coming. They're flooding in, if you will. I'm Bath River Nile comments. I'm telling you. They're still coming. They're flooding in, if you will. I'm loving my Nile sisters. All for the baggy vagina crew. We're all in for...

I just spat them. Bucket crutch crew. Bucket crutch. Bucket crutch baddies. Bitches. This one says, it takes approximately seven to eight minutes for the bath waters to decide to exit.

Always onto clean, dry underwear and PJs that I've probably just purchased to wear that night. At 42, four kids out the foo-foo. Four kids out the foo-foo. I always carry panty liners. My girl. Sensible. Do you know what? I actually thought the other night I had had a big bath.

I went in there for a good amount of time. A big bath? I basically had a big... A long bath. I'd had a bleed from my bum hole, didn't I? I told you. I'd had a big big bath i went in there for a good good amount of time a big bar i basically had a long bar i'd had a bleed for my bum hole didn't i i told you i'd had a hospital appointment but we're not we're not talking about that i basically had a bleed from a little soak i'm okay so i thought yeah after the hospital i'm going to come in have a nice long bath yeah i thought this is going to go one at one one in one way did for a second one an anal douche i was thinking oh can i get some water up the bum hole and you sat there like none none inspired by our water slide story from last week none none went out my bum hole

so i then did get out of the bath i put a night to always pad yeah sanitary towel big one big one front to back yeah scoping all the way around canoe in my crutch fucking dream that was did catch it all yeah took everything just took it out in the morning and away i went there you go even if you're leaking all night long also if you don't want to do the itchy leggy time he's like fuck she's on a period again she put another towel on the pattern did you just have a period she didn't know sorry couldn't over leak she's come to bed in a nappy

essentially like it's a no-go zone yeah um this one says i only ever experienced it in a jacuzzi

kind of normal and once in the sea after being engulfed by a six foot wave fuck i also had sand crumbs that day have you ever had

that foo-foo crumbs yeah yeah sand sandy foo-foo crumbs sandpaper rubbing down on your clitoris. It's always embarrassing if you get, like,

tossed around by a wave on the beach. We're talking about clitoris and tossing. Fuck me, this show took a turn. Fucking hell. How do you empty the sand out of your knickers? We change your knickers. You need a whole new knickers or you're going to have to do a douche

how'd you get it out well i think stay under the water for a bit longer fan out and have a little shimmy around in the sea i don't feel i feel like every time you go in the ocean you're just gonna get sand in your yeah foo-foo yeah sand crumbs yeah uh this one says yep me and my girlfriends always used to talk about doing the bath water boogie strangely now i'm really old it doesn't happen obviously you might grow out of it but the bath water boogie there you go i'm still intrigued about the jacuzzi it's the bubbles what are you doing in the jacuzzi for the water to insert i think that's quite like it says like jacuzzi kind of normal because it's like jets isn't it the bubbles jets up yeah when you stop that bubble whoa normal because it's like jets isn't it so the bubbles jets up here

you saw that bubble whoa yeah well it's a bit more aggressive than a normal bath isn't it yeah i don't have any bubble jets in my bath although my mom and dad did you have one now quite triggering when i look back and think oh all right mom and dad that's disgusting someone was doing well we've got another email here it It says, oh, this is a proposal story. I may be late with the proposal chat. It says, we went away for a night and our babies had a stomach bug, which we thought we'd managed to avoid. Anyway, we rushed to the hotel where my now husband had arranged for the room

to be set up so beautifully with petals on the bed saying, will you marry me? Anyway, I turn around and there he is on one knee and i say yes but i'm going to shit myself yes at that moment i caught the bug we're happily married now so at least i didn't put him off i will marry you but i'm gonna shit my pants sorry that was that's very me that is that's very you that's very me very you i'm very chris yeah very open about your poo chat aren't you we love a good poo nothing wrong with a bit of healthy poo chat no no um we have some more correspondence do we have another yeah sophina that sounded like my very formal that was uh i'm a mum to three beautiful

children not me this is the letter um but i also have pets a cat who is a dwarf cat and an XL bulldog who gets jealous sometimes if me and my fiance have a cuddle or a kiss so a few nights ago me and my fiance had a date night so itchy legs was on the cards the dog has to sleep in our room

otherwise she'll chase the cat like Tom and Jerry midway through the dog decided to whine and it sounded like she was copying me. I was mortified. I started laughing and so did my fiance. Itchy legs time was over. What makes it even worse, she says, is the fact that when my fiance tells the dog to talk, she will do the whine sound she made on our date night.

Oh no, she's telling other people what her orgasm sounds like. Jesus. Then the kids join in to make the noise too. Oh my God, this just gets worse. We can laugh about it luckily. The kids haven't got a clue what we're on about, which makes it even funnier for us. Hope this gave you a laugh as it still makes me laugh now.

Even while typing this email, I had a chuckle to myself. Keep up the good work. Love you both from Jo. So the children are mimicking the orgasm noises. Oh, Jo. Fucking hell, Jo. Bloody hell, you're a braver woman than me.

But can you imagine going out, what are the kids making that noise? Oh, that's just my orgasm. Yeah. Oh, God. That was me climaxing the other night. It's funny that- It started with the cat, then it was the dog.

Now it's the kids. In the words of joe keep these coming you can get in touch with us on anything at all there really is nothing too embarrassing because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember we're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the secret mum club are you ready for my secret of the week i'm so ready it's not really a secret it's more mortified go on i told my daughter to kiss a dead butterfly oh i've been dying to get that out all fucking week fuck i'm so bad it was so horrendous

and i told her to fucking kiss it and she did oh wait wait wait right okay let's backtrack there's a lot to unpack here conservatory okay fucking death trap for bugs yeah also death traps for humans don't get them anybody that advertises them i'm sorry but they're just not they're just not safe in a self-facing house. They're deadly. Summer is too hot. You can't even fucking walk on the floor. And cold in winter.

The winter literally turns your nipples off. Literally, they're just... So we get loads of bugs in there. So Dottie is forever saving the butterflies. Even though butterflies are quite like a warm environment, but they get caught in the cobwebs that I don't clean because there's loads of spiders in the conservatory. So she got this Butterfly.

The Butterfly was alive. Okay. So she was trying to get it to fly outside and it wouldn't fly outside. I was on the phone to Maddie at this point. We're having a Zoom meeting. Chris was in charge of the children. So she kept coming in.

She was like, Mummy, look at my Butterfly. She had a lovely picture with it on her arm. She was like, are you taking a picture now? How are you taking a picture? Very funny photos. But for some reason, the butterfly was just no more.

Right. So the butterfly. Did she know that when it was on her arm? It had kind of gone closed and to one side. And it was on her arm dead? Yeah. Right. Yeah.

So she was like, oh. So she ran out, come back. She was back she was oh the butterfly won't move anymore and i was like oh in the midst of this zoom call and i was like oh just give it a kiss then and say goodbye so she's literally next to me on zoom call like this kissing the dead everybody on the zoom call was pissing themselves and she was just like i don't think it's i don't think it's alive and they were like in my ear going if you just told her to kiss a dead butterfly i was like yeah am i going to hell it then proceeded to get a smidgen a smidgen worse she then went and sellotaped his wounds

what why so the butterfly had a damaged wing So she thought the butterfly wasn't flying away because its wing was damaged. So she tried to fix its wing with sellotape, but she sellotaped both wings. Together. So if it wasn't dead, it is now. But we can confirm the butterfly was no more. And we did have to bury it in the garden and we had a little ceremony to say goodbye to Betty the butterfly. But even if it was alive,

she literally stopped it from flying away. Please, I'm so traumatised. What if she killed the butterfly? Fuck. Although I am intrigued to do one of those Grow Your Own. Grow Your Own Butterfly? Yeah.

Have you seen them? No. Goodbye from the toy shop. Does it start from a caterpillar? It starts from a caterpillar a maggot you get like oh box of sand and then they come out and then they build their cocoons and then you have to fly them and they i they fly that's just brought back a memory that really triggered me i haven't told you tell me we had maggots the other day fuck off so now even when

you say that it makes my skin crawl. It's the second time we've had maggots. And the cause has been? The wheelie bin. The same each time. And do you know what it is? No. Moldy fetter.

In the fridge? In the bin. Oh, fuck. Don't leave. If you've got moldy fetter, get it out of your house as soon as possible. I fucking. It cannot be in there, especially in summer. Because it goes in the bin in the hot weather.

I can't stop it, Jim. What the fuck? What the fuck? Do you know what? I did once have a maggot infestation on our driveway. They were all over the driveway, all over the wheelie bin. I died. They just make me feel so sick. Because where there's one, there's tons.

Anything that starts with a maggot, I'm not going to be doing that with Joseph. We're not going to be growing our own butterflies i can't stop it jim all the scratching's making me itch so yeah oh wild wild week i feel like um just felt so sad for her she was so proud of herself if you didn't know it was dead it's not that bad it was alive but then for some the transportation from the my bedroom to the conservatory something happened in transit. That sounds very suspicious to me. I don't know what happened.

Dottie's the number one suspect. She is the number one suspect. Something happened in that window. And she doesn't have an alibi. She doesn't have an alibi. This is The Secret Mum Club, and this is where we share your secrets we've got three this week so emma you're gonna hit us off with number one please all right this says hi ladies i listen to your podcast every week and i'm messaging at an all-time low and i just wondered if you ladies

struggle to conceive with your babies my husband and i have been trying for 11 months now and zilch nada i'm terrified about it approaching one year and being recommended to see the GP. I feel so disappointed and heartbroken. I know my journey is nothing compared to other people and I feel like a princess getting upset. But I was really just so uneducated about this fertility journey. It's all I ever think about. Thanks so much in advance, a dedicated follower. Oh my God, my heart.

First of all, not a princess at all for getting upset about it nope totally warranted and i know that when you're in it it is all you can think about it consumes your whole entire existence yeah it's all you think about from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed yeah uh and it does consume every ounce of your body the only advice so i don't i didn't struggle with colby because we weren't trying for colby so i didn't struggle um and with dotty we were kind of trying but yeah for four months and it's that awful thing of you have to try without trying i know you kind of and as hard as it is the only advice i can ever give anybody is just to just to let go have a glass of wine every single night just let your inhibitions go and just

enjoy it for what it is because i sometimes think it's the whole thing with the period and you know i might not be given the best advice but this is only from me personally is when you have a period and you're waiting for your period to come you think about it so much that your period doesn't start yeah and i sometimes think that is the way we've conceived in a baby because you want it so badly yeah which is completely normal to feel that way isn't it yeah because you want it so bad you kind of have to not think about it yeah that's easier said than done but that is good advice because you hear a lot don't you about people that have been struggling and then they maybe start IVF or something and then they conceive naturally because they're suddenly

relaxed about because all they're thinking about is the IVF and their next injection exactly but it is hard when you feel like on Instagram and everything all you feel like all you see is like other people getting pregnant other people having babies you just think that you feel like you're seeing baby stuff everywhere and you're like why is it happening for everybody else and not for me yeah it took us about six months with Joseph which I feel like is average average but there's this I know what you're saying about being 11 months and kind of being scared of getting to that 12 month period because there's like 12 months is kind of like a limit that like a kind of a made-up limit that people have put on themselves oh if you can't get pregnant within 12 months basically you're infertile which isn't true but i think that's at the point a lot of gps say they'll give you help

after 12 months i actually had gone for so you can get a blood test to check your fertility and i had gone for the first of the two blood tests when i fell pregnant with jose So again, I feel like I kind of relaxed about it a little bit because I was like, oh, I'm getting this looked into now. And then actually when my doctor rang me up and they were like, you're due to come in for your second blood test. I was like, oh, I've actually just found out I'm pregnant. Oh, wow.

So like, so ours happened that way. So, but it's hard when you're like tracking your ovulation and everything. And it becomes a bit of a military operation, doesn't it? You're like, right, we need to do it. Like now, it sucks all the fun out of it but it's hard and it's that silly thing is like when you are like when you're a teen and you're growing up and you don't think about having a baby it's that awful thing of you being like you get to a point in your life don't

you i think i was about 25 when i was just like what obviously i had medical issues previously but i just it kind of just dawns on you doesn't it like now when i speak to to people now and i just you just think what if you what if i can't have a baby yeah like you just don't know you just expect your body you just assume you're going to be able to yeah and i think as well because we like my mum had children quite young yeah and so she was really lucky she had three healthy easy pregnancies never experienced any trouble getting pregnant. I always just thought, oh, that will happen for me.

Like I'll easily, I never thought there would be issues. And I think people didn't speak about it as openly back then if they either couldn't get pregnant or they had a miscarriage or something. So you were always just like, well, I'll definitely be able to have kids. Like, why would I have any problems? I'm a woman and that's what my body's meant to do.

That's what I do, of course. Yeah, so when you can't, it's frustrating. it's frustrating and you understandably get upset of course um but yeah just 11 months i know it feels like an eternity for you probably but that doesn't mean you're never going to get pregnant and it's definitely still such a little amount of time as well and i just think things yeah and in the grand scheme of things i think if there is anybody that is struggling or is in the same boat as did the lady mention her name no no um as the lady it would be really lovely if anyone can reach out and yeah maybe something we can share I can share over on Instagram too as well yeah so people can

talk about it because there is people that are also in this position that do feel very alone and feel like they can't talk about it and I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they're struggling or anything like that but I feel like this is so common like they can't talk about it. And I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they're struggling or anything like that. But I feel like this is so common that again, isn't talked about. It's something that's never talked about. Again, you just feel like everyone else is like popping out babies left, right and center. No problem. And that's not the case at all.

And it is hard. Like you said, the 12 month mark is like the mark where people are thinking, right, that's it. Yeah, time's up. And I didn't do it by myself. Yeah. But it's not. It's just that bit where the GP can step in and and do bloods i think actually that is i know you said you're scared of getting to the 12 month mark but actually see that as a good thing like you get to

go bloods and you get to get checked you can have sperm you can go and talk to your gp about it yeah get some help and now they talk to you and they help you and take you seriously because you've been trying for a long time yeah and who who's who's to know you might find that they they tell you a few things and it takes your mind off of it and you know a month down the line you just don't you really don't know you never know so please please don't be hard on yourself your every emotion you're feeling how you're feeling in yourself and how upset you're feeling is completely yeah normal totally normal and it's not you're not and there is help available for you there is help available for you and please just try as much as you can yeah take the pressure off

with with um wine yeah have a couple of glasses of wine just try and chill chill yeah i know that's put something really good on the tv get yourself stuck into some nice series get yourself a bottle of wine and just as much as you can try not think about it yeah and god bless you good luck yeah good luck okay so we're gonna roll in to number two all right this one says hi lovely ladies so i have a two-year-old turning three at the end of august is it really bad if we don't get him any presents i would much prefer to take him on a day out somewhere to the zoo or something i feel a day out has everlasting memories and it's not like he won't get presents he'll get them from nannies and granddads and aunties and uncles the list could be endless but i do feel like i will have such mum guilt if i don't buy anything from anonymous absolutely

fucking not i think that's fine i think it's absolutely fine yeah i think there was one year where we didn't do it with colby. I want to say it was his third. Only, was it his third or was it his second? I think his second, he got his little balance bike, but nothing could top his balance bike. Like his balance bike was his whole entire existence. It was his whole life. So you were like, what's the point?

Get him something else. Yeah, like there was just, and he was so obsessed with little little tiny cars i think i bought him some lightning mcqueen cars and then family bought everything else for him yeah because i just didn't see the point like we celebrated it we had his balloons and he had like the little things like the little presents to open but nothing big because nothing topped his bike yeah um and no i don't i don't think it's an issue at all we actually actually didn't get Joseph any presents for his first birthday. Didn't you?

Which I feel like is quite an iconic birthday, but he did have a party. And also, I was like, he will not know what presents are. He will never remember. And obviously, he got so much stuff from other family members and friends that like, it was ridiculous. And also, there's nothing he needs. Also, can I just say, fuck what everyone else thinks yeah fuck them if you want to do that you do you and you own it because there's so much fucking judgment in this world isn't there and i've been talking about this a lot on my instagram like you cannot do right for doing

wrong with anybody in the world so i think you make a stand my girl you rock it you own it you go and have the best bloody day and i think the moment you put him to bed after your fun-filled day at the zoo the amount of love that you'll feel in your heart and he'll love it but he'll have the best time get him a badge balloon on the buggy fucking hell the photos you're winning there yeah a balloon and yeah and plus a day out is so expensive

exactly yeah put the money into that like Marwell Zoo is expensive what's Marwell Zoo is that another attraction by you

there's a zoo near us you've got so much good stuff by you do you think yeah it's only Peppa Pig and Marwell what more could you want

with children yeah that's like Joseph's fantasy land well they're at the park today the children in the park. We're going to say bye.

But yeah, like. But yeah, I think if you go for a balloon, nice badge. It's not like you're not doing anything to mark the day at all. You're going to have a lovely day out, which he's going to really enjoy. Yeah, yeah. So I think it's like what everyone else thinks. Also, don't they just have so much shit already, kids? Like they don't need more stuff.

It just is never ending, is it? Yeah, but i think that's why experiences are a good idea because he'll have the memories yeah and the photos that you'll be able to look back and show him in his little memory book cute yeah love that yeah do it i actually totally agree with you yeah proud of you that's a good one love that and then should we go for a go for a hat trick let's do it let's do it the last secret says when my son was around six years old we were walking to school I was pushing his baby brother he turned to me with a dead straight serious face and said mum can I tell you something of course you can tell me anything I replied so he looks me in the eyes with a real fixed gaze and says I think I'm a lesbian knowing it took a lot for him to tell me this, I tried my hardest not to laugh and asked, okay, what makes you think that? So I know something is

going to happen before it actually does. Okay, you mean you're psychic? Oh, do I? What's a lesbian then? A lesbian is a woman who loves other women, not men. So a girl who has a girlfriend. Yes, that's right. Well, I'm not one of them then. Then off he skipped whilst I was crying on the inside. Six years old. I don't know because it's something we talk about

a lot in our house. Yeah. And I mentioned this to my best friend. Like it's something that's so in our house. I don't know why because my best friend is it's something that's so in our house I don't know why because my best friend is well we have we have um friends in our life some that are males that are with males some that women are with women yeah so it's something that's always talked about and it really fascinates

Dottie because if she goes anywhere and there'll be so she said she said there was a little boy at preschool this one time that was just like I um I can't marry the boy i've got to marry the girl my preschool like i have to commend you because she was like do you know what you can actually marry who you want to marry and you can love who you want to love which i love that i love that we talk about it so openly but it's not we've never had that of like her getting the word confused yeah oh that's so funny so iconic that is i can tell what's gonna happen before it happens but kudos did she say what it oh she did she did explain it yeah loved that that's so funny i wonder how he'd got that confused don't you must have heard it somewhere must have heard it somewhere maybe from a lesbian psychic. Maybe. Maybe he's in contact with a lesbian psychic.

Oh, that's a funny one, that one. Oh, bless him. That is cute. That is really cute. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. We've had some corkers. Wow, yeah, that was a... That's a wild one this week, wasn't it?

It was a ride, wasn't it? What with the lesbian psychic? Gosh. If you want to share anything with us, you can. You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And let us know if anyone else is doing the bathwater book. Or does your dog make the same whining noises as you

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