Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - Dottie’s Stadium Slip-Up!

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

Soph is the proudest mum this week after a trip to the Emirates Stadium with Dottie… with a very awkward twist. The girls chat live show nerves and making solo travel feel less daunting, while one mum celebrates a big solo win, another shares the emotional reality of wanting a baby with a partner who doesn’t, and there’s a wild park poo that won’t be forgotten anytime soon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wait, hold on. I need your attention because we have some huge news. It's big. Bigger than my bucket crutch. And that's big. Even bigger than Jojo's love for teenage mutant ninja turtles. Well, you've been asking for it, so we're going to be heading back on the stage for another secret mom club lunch show. There's going to be plenty of secrets. Perhaps a couple of party games.

And maybe a few surprise guests. So mark your calendar. because on the 20th of May, we'll be live at Bush Hall in London for one girly night only, so you better buckle up, bitches. Tickets are on sale right now. So head to our socials for more info and the link to buy tickets. We can't wait to see you there. Now, back to the episode.

Hello, this is a secret mum club. I'm Safina and I'm Emma. And this podcast, every fucking... This podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do. And as we know, sharing is caring.

You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And all those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in their secret mum club. You truly did that without looking. I was glancing at my script in between you. I was trying to go for you.

It's always that first, first one really fucks you up, isn't it? This podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. You've been saying it for three years. This podcast is fucking great. Listen to it. Yeah. My favourite is when you go, this is a podcast. This is the podcast.

Say it in the obvious. Hello, this is a podcast. But it's actually not. Could be a YouTube video. Yes. I feel like a proper newsreader with my hair cup. She's known for the bar, but you should have done that trend. I feel a bit, I feel a bit mumsy.

Emma's got new hair guys. Had my hat on my hair car. It looks shacked. I went for my annual chop. She was like, really, you want that much off? I was like, yeah, one thing you got to know about me is because I've moved to to new area. Once I've made up my mind.

So I have a new hairdresser and I have no loyalty to hairdressers anyway. Sorry hairdressers. I'll just go wherever. So I just turned up with this long hair. I was like, yeah, I want it when it's like, I want to turn it up with this chopped off to hear. She was like, really, I've just had enough of my hair. I was like, just get it off. She was like, I'm going to take before and after pictures because it's quite an extreme transformation. I was like, honey. How are you feeling? Yeah, I feel so much better. It was really, it looks really thick and healthy. Thank you. I still need to get it dyed. I didn't get it died. I think you should embrace the grey. Your girl doesn't have 400 pounds, despite. bend at the moment on a ballet arch. It would still be quite expensive. Do you reckon? I think you should embrace the grey. It's actually a really nice grey. Well, I might just go put it down, tilt it down, show the girlies. The full... She can't even fucking see it from that angle. Full streak. I think you should do it. I might just do the full Carrella Deville. I think you should do it, honey. I think you should rock it. I think you'd look great with grey hair. Well, my mum's actually going to come and dye my roots. Grey? No. Oh, brown. Yeah.

My sister was like, are you sure you want to let them? I'm just not precious about my hair. I don't really care. So I was, I was. I was. I was like, try it. And if it's shit, I'll just go to the hairdresser. But my mum and dad basically turned into hairdressers in lockdown. They've got all the kit, you know, the brushes, the tints, the balls. And all the ideas. All the gear and all the ideas. Yeah.

So they're coming over to, um, to sort me out. But anyway, I've got more important chat to start with today, haven't we? I know. I've had some serious jelly this week. I went to Emmeritz Stadium in Arsenal, London. Would you say it's in Arsenal? Yeah. Yeah.

Arsenal is a tube stop. And do you know what, Maddie couldn't come with me? There was no space. Me and Dottie got invited by Unilever, who's a massive brand that covers life. Yeah, they own everything, don't they? Everything. Yeah, phenomenal, phenomenal brand. And I'm really lucky that they're always so thoughtful of me or me and the children or when

it's a family event. So they invited me and Dottie to go to the Arsenal Tottenham game at the Emirates Stadium. Maddie wasn't allowed a ticket. Sorry, Mads, we love you dearly. Was it women's? Women's. Nice.

Yes. Went in a box. But I literally phoned Maddie in the morning. I was like, Maddie, I need help with an out. I'm shit my pants. I don't go to any events really, but the ones I do go to, Mads comes with. Surely full kit wanker for the football. No, I didn't wear a football kit. No. There was a dress attire, I'll have you know, for the box. So I basically phone Mads in the morning. Maddie literally and Maisie, either one of them or both of them, come with me and I feel better about that because

I'm one not great with travelling. I don't like coming up to London on my own, but I do it because I come to the podcast once a week. I document it on my, on my socials because it's something that really terrifies me, but it's definitely something I do every single week that's outside of my box. Going to the stadium was hugely

outside of my box, not only to do it on my own, but to take Dottie. With crowds, let me tell you, the stadium had 40,000 people there. How I was there doing it, living it large,

but do you know what? I got home and I was like, I fucking did it. I fucking did it. Did you really proud of yourself? So fucking proud of myself. Which, me on to bring up a topic that I really, really want to talk about because we have, which

by the time this episode comes out, we are a month until our second live show. 20th of May, Bushall, London, you can come and see me and Emma live. Yeah. And it's something that keeps coming up, but I've had messages about it. Like, I really want to come, but I'm coming on my own. Also, London is really far away. And I know, and I want to know that, I want people to know that we are listening. and we're taking it all in because it's not that it's just in Southampton, my hometown.

It's not that it's in Birmingham, other people's hometown or Manchester. It is in London. And I know travelling to London is a lot for people. And we want to make sure that if anybody is thinking about it or wants to do it, that we are creating a safe community for others to be able to take that and be empowered and go, you know what, fuck it. We're going to go to London. We're going to go to the live show.

Yeah. And I just want also people to know that it is okay to come on your own. Yes. I have spoken to the team. Maz and Rosie may tell me off for telling you. But I've asked if there's a special segment that we can have maybe right at the very start where we've got our single travellers that get a little bit of time together at a bar, maybe having a drink. A little mixer.

That you can make a buddy before you go into the room. Yeah. And also if there is anybody, if we can create a snippet from this video where if you're traveling to watch us and you're traveling alone, that you're you. even if you find a travel buddy, a travel twin. You could find a travel twin in the comment section as to where you're travelling from. And if you can travel together, so you've got the train up together to get the last train back together so there would be no need to stay. Like, we want to support you and we want to hear you and listen to you and make your whole journey to come to see us

as easy as possible. Yes. Don't we? It's the whole community. It's going to meet a lot of like-minded people there. But I know sometimes if you're into like a podcast or a show, or something, you're like, didn't want to come and see this live show with me? And maybe you're the only one that wants to come. I've had a few messages from solo travellers as well. So we really want to help you out with that. We do. We want to see as many of you there as possible.

And also, we're giving them a bit of power, aren't we? Yes. We're going to let you... We want you to build the live show. Decide what you want to see us do. As long as it's nothing... I will wear a will be embarrassing. For the whole duration of the live show.

So it makes us do anything too embarrassing. Emma will wear a witty too. But you can embarrass us a little bit. We want... We're going to put a poll out over the next. couple of weeks and we want you as the girl group. The boys are welcome to. Anybody's welcome, to be honest, to build the live show.

Build it exactly how you want it to be. Yeah. As a community. What do you want to see? Yeah. As our invested listeners, we're putting the power in your hands. So keep an eye out on our friends. As our friends.

These are our friends. Of course. These are friends. Yeah. Keep an eye out on our socials for polls that are going to be coming up on TikTok and Insta. We just want to make sure everybody feels comfortable. Everyone feels...

Yeah, supported. Yeah, supported because I have listened and there's a lot of people that don't want to travel because they don't want to travel on their own and that it's a really, really long way and I totally get that. And there's nobody in any way

forcing you to do it. But if there is that element of, I want to do it, but the only thing is, is I'm going to be on my own. We're going to do our best in every which way to accommodate you. Because if you really want to come,

we don't want that to hold you back. No, no. But obviously it's a big deal. It's huge for me. Every single week. I wake up every Wednesday and I think, fuck. I can't do this again.

Yeah. But I know I can do it. You can do it. Yeah. Yeah. We're really excited, aren't we? Yeah. Slightly shit my pants.

Slightly shit my pants. But yeah. Yeah, I can't wait. I hope that gives you a little bit of inspiration. Yeah, and a bit of reassurance. I went to a whole football game. Wow. Was it?

Phenomenal. The dots love it. She made friends. She fucking took a penalty on the pitch. Did she? Emma doesn't watch my TikToks. No, I don't. It was a video that clearly stated this.

Was it on Instagram? We don't even watch each other's socials. No. Yes. No. Yes. I wouldn't have seen it on TikTok. I think it was on it.

It was a real. God, what a bucketless moment. What the fucking hellie Michael Jackson. I don't even know what I was doing. I was down, right? I had to walk along the stadium at the bottom to like get her onto the pitch. There's all of us just poodling along in the half time. All the crowd were there.

The 40,000 people that were there. So we're walking down like the grass bit. She went on. I was wiping my eyes. One of the other mums made a friend when I was there. Actually made two friends when I was there. And the girls were playing together. The children were playing together.

And I kept going to go, I got such bad hay fever today. And she was like, you're fucking crying. Yeah. I'm crying. I'm crying. She stood in all three girls. Bearing her mind, one was eight.

Dotty was seven. And then the other lady's little girl, Blossom, she was four. And they just stood on this fucking pitch and took a, and took a penalty. Even literally makes me feel a little bit trained up now. But yeah.

I feel like when you're a little is the time to do that because if they ask me to do that as an adult, I would shit my pants. Yeah. I'd be like, I can't do that. Also, it tied him really nicely with our Southampton beat in Arsenal. We're off to fucking Wembley. This has been big talks in my house.

Obviously, this episode is going to be out a bit. But Southampton beat Arsenal. And it was very awkward in the house because me and Dotty were like, Hello, we're team Arsenal for the girls. Oh, and the boys are. But then Colby was like, hey, we'd be you in the house. So Dottie was like, all right.

I support Arsenal girls, not the boys. I support Southampton Boys, Arsenal girls. And I'm like, I support who's winning. And I said, do you want to go see the Saints girls? She was like, yeah, I'd love to. Oh, yeah. I was like, okay, so you're just out for anybody that's going to win at this point. Yeah, yeah.

So no, yeah, so now, Dotsie wants to go to Wembley. Oh, my God. And watch the final. Oh, my. Southamton are on it. We just fucking beat Rex in 5-1. Sorry, sorry, I draw the line there. I support Rex.

Fuck you. I have to. Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, Ryan Reynolds and also. I'm just going to say, I don't need to support Rex. So, Wales. Also, this has turned a lot into football chat. I am definitely in my football marmira.

Yeah, you're such a soccer man. But 5-1! Shit. We beat you five one. Well, you say me. I'm not. It's a very, it's been a very football school holidays. Yeah.

We've got tournaments coming out on the football. Heavy on the football. Wow. But anyhow, we would love to see you at the live show. Yes. We really would. Tickets are, the tickets are selling. Yeah.

So I don't want you to miss. Don't want you to miss out. Yeah. I want you to grab one where you can. Tickets in the bio. That means head to secret mum club socials. I didn't know what tickets in the bio meant for years when people said that. You just got to go to someone's page on social media and click a link.

Do you have a bio on your social media? Yeah. I didn't know what one was until like 2020. But it does say edit bio. Yeah. And then you put your information into the edited bio. Yeah. Love you.

Yeah. Deerly. I've only learned how to talk. Chiapa I like that's a week. Also, what are we wearing to the live show? What are you thinking of wearing? Tracksuit.

I say comfy. Again, maybe you should tell us what, should we watch. Do you want pyjamas? Yeah. Or put some outfit options up. Glam? I'm not a smart glam gal.

You will smart glam for Christmas. For the Christmas show I did. Yeah. Because it's Christmas party. Oh, that's going to be another poll, isn't it? There you go. We'll let you decide. I'll come in my pyjamas, if you will.

Slumber part of you That was a really weird wink Sorry Take that back But anyhow how's your week been Now you've just heard a lot of mine In your face Well that was basically it

Got my hair cut My mum and dad were The reason why I was late As my mum were delayed Coming up to see me Because my mum wasn't very well Oh shit Is she okay?

Yeah no She's fine She just got like a bad Cold virus You were looking forward to them coming up Oh I know and do you know what I was biging it up to the kids And then I think they did feel really bad

And my dad phoned me and he was like, oh, we're not going to make it today because mom's ill. So I was like, just get better and just come up when you can. Just leave her, Steve. And you come down, all right? I was like, I really need the child care tomorrow morning. So fuck her up and bed. And they're down, Steve, all right? I've got a roast on.

You come on down. He's just put himself a motorbike. Has he? I was like, you come down on the bike. You'll be here in two hours. Yeah. And it'll be fine. And you can take the kids to nursery tomorrow morning.

But alas, no, they did have to stay at home. But Joseph was like, oh, aren't they coming up? And I was like, oh no, they still will. But I think they were really gutted. I think my mum was really disappointed because she could hear him in the background. And obviously now we live a bit further away. It's like long time in between them seeing each other. So I think she was really disappointed.

But she's just one of those things. Can't be helped. And I'm just like, just get better. Because she's like, I don't want to pass it on to the kids as well. And also your dad might be carrying any buggies. Exactly. Yeah. Although he never seems to get ill.

I don't know. Touchwood. He's got solid immune system. But yeah, so they should be coming in. Your mum doesn't really ever get that ill. She doesn't, to be fair. When she's ill, that means she's ill. Yeah.

Oh yeah. She wouldn't like, you know, she's hardcore. She's hardcore. And considering she's always got like toddlers dribbling into her mouth, she doesn't get sick that much. So you know it's bad when she's like, I've got to stay at home. But I think she was gutted. So yeah, they should be up soon. And then they will still hopefully come for a week.

So we'll still get some good money, granddad's time. It will just be a bit later on. But sadly for them, they missed the glorious weather. And I said, look, don't moan that it rains in Wales because we've had some for three days and you've missed it. How has it been up there today? It's a beautiful High of 20 24 at home today by 3 o'clock

Yeah we don't quite get it as hot as down here But yeah You can get a good glow Stunning Stunning I know When I drive around When it's actually sunny and not raining

I do think Oh my God I can't believe I did look beautiful In your car ad the other day When you were filming Where the bloody hour were you there? Shodda Yeah I went down to the seaside

Down to it Yeah How did you get that shot of him Was it Stefan stood in a bush Yeah I didn't have a drone I just said Stefan I booted him out on the side of the road You made him stand on

I literally Do you know what? I would love to see the outtakes of people's ads because I was thinking, hold on, she's got in the car on her own with the two children. Who's, is she recorded?

No, I booted him out on a cliff edge. I said, get these shots. Fucking hell. He was a grass verge about this big. I thought, fucking hell. He's going to be like a goat in the hill trying to film Emma. Now he's on the rape of the car.

I got all the shots. And then I was like, see you later, loser. Eat my dust. No, I did pick him back up. He was like, don't drive off about me. Look really beautiful there And the weather was so good for that day The weather was so nice

Yeah I mean to be honest Any day that it's not raining I'm like this is amazing Because it's just rained for so long Yeah That I feel like now I get a new lease of life Even if it's cloudy but just not raining

Oh my god dry I'll take dry Dry is amazing Yeah dry and like mild Yeah Dry and mild I'll take it And then when it's sunny And then when it's sunny

And mild like my wife I wonder what you were going to say Dry and mild like my vagina And then when it's sunny, that's just the icing on the cake. Honestly, it's absolutely beautiful. I don't know if I can get past the vagina. I don't know that mine would be mild, more wild down there. God.

When I went for a hair girl, I messaged, Stefan, because obviously... We haven't been together all week. I actually just... We had a brief meet up in Paddington just now to hand over the car keys. I was like, nice to see you. Goodbye. A quick bonk in Paddington. A bit of itchy legs and Paddington station.

No, I was in a rush to get here to see you. I was like, can't stop, can't talk, through the car keys and said, have a safe journey. But I texted him saying, oh, I'm finally going to get my hair cut later. And he messaged me back saying, top and bottom. And I said, I think the hairdress will have a shock if I get my minge out. And he said, please don't use that word. Such a dad. Such a dad, Stefan.

Just embrace Minge. Such a great one. Moist minge as well. You could really double barrel that moist linch. Yeah, the all iteration. People don't like moisture, do they? No, they don't image either. There's a lot of ones

that you could say that they don't like. I've actually just thought of something really fucking funny that happened to Emirates. Oh my God, I don't know if I can share it. We might have to proof with masks before. Why don't you keep it as a secret? Surprise to you?

That's what I mean. Two secrets this week. You want to get two for the price of one. Double whammy, all right. So Emma and I really want to hear from you. Yes, we want you to join us in the secret mom club. You're all welcome. You can share your secret.

Secrets with us, respond to what we've been talking about or just say, Hello! You can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret MumPod or you can email us. Hello at secret mumpod.com. It is time for the Corresponders Corner. Thank you. So, Emma, let's hear it.

Take it away, honey. Okay, this one's from Jenny in Ohio. Oh, hi. We used to have a song about Ohio at camp. At Ban Camp. At Ban Camp. The boatmen go up and down the river on the Ohio. There was like a clapping thing with it as well.

but I can't remember. Jenny, if you know, hit us up for my heart. Yeah, band camp. Okay, ready? Yes. Hi, ladies. I was listening to the story from Kelsey.

He was asking for advice because her twins were escaping from bed and smearing poo. My older son was also a bedtime stripper. Wow. And one time I even found him fully naked with a poo smeared wall, which was more than enough for me.

That is some filthy stripping if you ask me. That's such a mild response to such a bad situation. This is more than enough for me. This is, do you know what? I draw the line at this. Cherry, top of the cake, that. Thank you, my darling. Thank you, my darling.

I felt silly that it took me so long to figure this out, but eventually I just started putting his zip-up pyjamas on backwards. This is like that straight jacket all over again. The shirt. The shirt just took me so long to work this out, but I just strapped the fucker to the bed. Why did we sell him to roll? He's down.

In a stranger. Oh, she's put his zipper on back. It's like the sleeve. Do you remember the one with the sleeves? Oh my God, that killed us. It was the fact. Oh, talk is. I'm going to wet myself.

I'm going to wet myself. Are you okay? I'm going to wet myself. You know, time out. Oh, God. Oh, God. But eventually I just started putting his zip-up pajamas on backwards. I found some without feet, but you could also cut the feet off an old pair.

Futsi's pointing backwards the wrong way round. Do you like this, those? Oh my God. Once they're on backwards with the zip-up the back, he couldn't get them off. And he didn't even try anymore. Rest assured he's seven now. Oh, she's still. And he still can't get them off.

No, it says rest assured he's seven now and he did eventually grow out of it. Fucking hell. Jenny. Jenny, that's put me on the edge. Oh, my God. That was so brilliantly written. So matter of fact. It was just not meant to be fun.

It's just the way she said it so calmly. It was the time that the lady was in a straight jacket and it was her POV, wasn't it? Yeah. It was her writing in to say, my parents. Yeah. How did you actually get out of the bed? Yeah. Yeah.

And also just got images of the toes just being really straight in the legs with the feet. Yeah. It's now a ballerina because it's got great pointed. Couldn't get his feet out flat. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, my God, that's so. The image of you cutting the feet off and zipping it up backwards is so fucking funny. I just imagine it being like so high on the neck.

Yeah. I can't breathe in this thing. Joseph's got some really cool like graphic t-shirts, but the main graphic is on the back, which I think is like so cool. but he doesn't like that he can't see it. Oh, okay. So those t-shirts he wants to wear, we have to put them on backwards

because he likes the graphic to be on the front. The neck is so high. He's like, yeah, but I can see the thing now. I'm like, yeah, but are you okay? Like, you look mental. Are you being strangled? And he's like, no. It doesn't want the picture where everyone else will see it and he can't.

Oh, fucking. That is so funny. So funny. Jenny, that made me laugh more than it should have. Well, hopefully that can give our mum in Australia some inspiration. Strat, for the twins. Stop. Don't allow them to be strippers with their feces. Zip them up backwards.

Cut their feet off and strap them up. Oh gosh. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. It can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. Because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember. We're all in this together and we know that we are. We're all stars and we see that. You do the finger every time.

Stunning. Sorry. Stunning. Do a finger in. Yeah. Oh gosh. I've got to come back from this. I'm just,

I can't stop laughing. Sorry. I really was good. I really was going to wet myself. What with your flatulence and my weeing vagina? What? Loose vagina. Oh God.

Jenny really had to have the edge. I thought it was a goner then. Oh, I thought it was a goner. I thought it was going to have to go home and pissy pants. Oh my God. Right. Are you ready for my secret this week? I don't really have, we just said this.

We don't really have much in the school holidays. I think so much happens in the school holidays that I don't actually, you can't pinpoint one moment. Do you know what I mean? It's all just a blur. But the whole time it's just a funny, funny experience. But one thing that's got me this week, so I said in a Tuesday, if you heard last, was it last week's Tuesday episode? Might have been one before. I've lost track now.

But it's either in the last two, there was an episode that went out on Thursday. No, Tuesday. What episode is this? Tuesday. Tuesday so it was a Thursday. I always get the, it's the teas. Yes. I'm getting the mixed up.

I said that Colby had been saying some funny things because we're in the realm at the moment where obviously Renly's learning to talk or say words and like we're having milestones like he used to say got for Dotty. So instead of Dot he used a G and would say got. But like we're going through milestones because now he says dot. Oh, he does. And she cried the other morning because she was like, he's calling me Dot. I'm not got anymore.

And I was like, oh. And then he's going through milestones. coming out and going doughty. But Colbes is still like, I'm still calling me Pobbs. He does call him pubes on most days, which I just find absolutely ironic. So we're going through this whole motion of like,

Renly learning words and doing all this. And obviously he's learning like the proper words because the other two are saying words and then he picks up on those. But something that doesn't prepare you is when you have a near on 10 year old. And they, he just, Colby just says the most inappropriate things, but he has no meaning.

as to what they mean. He doesn't know they're like rude or funny. No. The other day, we were with family and we've got a wanton soup that we really love to get from Costco. And it's been a really long time since we've had these wanton soups. So I bought a couple of packets. So it's Colby's favorite thing to have mine and Chris's. Dots isn't a fan.

But I was in the lounge and like my family was out in the kitchen. I was just chatting with Colbs. Chris was upstairs, sort and renters. And Colby just turned around and went to me, do you know the best thing to do with the wanton soup? is suck it off. I went, I beg your part.

Like, I couldn't breathe. I was literally like, what? And he was like, well, you take the wanton and you suck it off. Just suck the wanton off and just get the prawn out of the middle.

He means like, take the casing off. So he is saying, he likes to put the whole wanton in his mouth. Suck the pastry off the prawn. But it's not pastry because it's soggy.

It's like a wet soup. So he likes to suck it off. But when I was trying to explain to Chris, Colby was like, Mum, what is wrong? And I was hyperventilating. the floor. Chris was like,

what is going on in here? And I was like, Colby was going, Mum, you tell him because I've obviously said something. And I was like, no, you haven't said anything wrong. But I was trying to say to Chris,

don't draw attention to it because I equally don't want to have to explain to him at 10. Why that's funny. Why that is funny. Yeah. So eventually explained to Chris that he, what he was saying. And it was just the fact that I couldn't get it out. And then Colby just went,

all I told mum is that I sucked off a wanton. And Chris literally was like, left the room. Honestly, you know, when you're just not prepared for like the things that they say. And like then yesterday in the garden, he was like, oh, God, look at Renner sucking off his lolly. And I thought, oh, do you? Why can't you just say sucking? Sucking on its own is fine.

But you can't say suck it off. I don't. And he doesn't laugh at it. So I know that he's not saying it for a reaction. Yeah. He doesn't know what it means. So I said, do you reckon kids around his age have started saying like stuff like that in the playground? No.

Because I remember when that kind of language started creeping in and like, I never knew what anything meant. Oh, it was when I had to go through the process of learning what a head was. And I joined a mixed school that my brother and sister had already been at. So my brother had been there two years. I got expelled from my other secondary school, which was an all-girl school. So then I went to the school that my brother was at. I don't think I knew that about you.

You got expelled from an all-girl school. What do you do? Had braids in my hair. And she told me to remove them to which my angry mother said, no, we're not removing them. I've just paid for her hair to be like this. So they put me in isolation. It was when they accompanied me to the toilet and the woman stood in the toilet with me. No.

Because I had braids in my hair and my mum refused to take them out. That my mum went, that's a fuck enough. And they went, do you know what? She's expelled. Get out. So I left. Left that school. Wow.

Joined another school. My brother's school. Right. Anyway. So I had a head bag. Oh, yeah. And they were like, hey, so finit you give good head. And I was like, I really love head.

She loves head. And they were like, hey, she loves head. And it wasn't telling when I said to my sister, why does everyone keep laughing at me? Because I said I love head. And my sister was like, that's sucking dick. Right.

True. This is the problem. All the boys in my whole year group that I love giving head. Basically told him all right, I wouldn't suck their willies. Not a lie. Oh, God. I don't know.

Not a lie, to be fair. But when normal words like take on extra meanings, like Colby's getting to that age, probably maybe when he goes up to secondary school, where you're going to start realizing. Like he's going to big back and he doesn't know. He doesn't know what it means. Is that a rude thing?

Probably means... I just said, don't go to the teacher and say, oh, miss you're a big-neck. Oh, don't say that at school. That's... And don't say suck it off either. Yeah, I just said... The whole sucking off thing, and I just said to him,

just say he's licking his lollip. Yeah. Because I said, sucking off doesn't sound very nice, doesn't he? He was like, oh, yeah, when you mention that... That's weird when you say it. Yeah, it doesn't sound right. But the problem is, if you and Chris love... And I said, oh, just nibble.

He goes, what do I say then about sucking off my one? I was like, again, let's not say sucking off. Let's just say we're nibbling off. Yes. But the problem is when you and Chris laugh, he's like, why is that funny? Yeah. And then you have to be like, I didn't laugh at the first initial. I was like, I'll beg your pardon.

And he was like, I sucked off my wonton. And I was like, okay, right, let's change the. Add an insult to injury that also we were at the Emirate Stadium. Dottie took a penalty. We've spoken about this a lot. But instead of calling the mascot gunner, she called him Gunty in front of 4,000 people on a screen and it come up, Gunty.

And just spent the whole time, the whole time, in the booth with the other parents, all the people from Uni Leaver that had organised it, saying, Gunty's not going to save my goal. Yeah, Guntie's not going to save my goal. So I'm really in the prime of life of everybody saying some... If you haven't heard about that term, by the way, because somebody been in the room hadn't.

It's not a very nice one, but you equally don't want her to say it. Google it. You don't want her to say it in a football stadium in front of 40,000 people. No. But she doesn't know what it is. And when I said to her, I think his name's Gunner. And she was like, are you sure? And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'm pretty sure his name's got Gunty.

So, and she was like, oh, should I not call it? No, probably that's not to call him that again. But yeah, I'm really in the prime of life at the moment with things being. Things like that. Yeah. Well, get ready for what is a blowjob at the dinner table, which is what I asked when I was about 12. I think we're already there because Dottie will say, I'll give you a blowy, mum.

Blow dry? In the toilet. Yeah, because I say, oh, I've had a fresh blowie. So she'll say, do you want me to give you a blowy, mum? And you're like, oh, there's probably a time. Or she'll just say it in a public toilet. Do you want a blowie? And you're like, oh, probably shouldn't you use that one.

But no, I think I'll just wipe them on my jeans. Let's just get out of her as quickly as possible. It was at Poulton's Park as well, so it looked even more fucking dodgy. She asked if she wanted to give me a blowie. So, yeah, be very careful with your words. Yes. Choose carefully. Because they're getting to the age.

Because I don't know at what point I've told anybody or anything that I'm going to suck it off. No. For them to pick that up. No. I'm not offering that out. Services out or say, better suck off that lolly. No. Oh, it's such a horrible one, isn't there?

You're going to have to tell him. I have told him. We're trying our best to use correct terminology. Yeah. But yeah, there we go. That's my secret this week. I'm very much in the depths of very, weird words being said from every child in my house. It goes right down to two. It's when he says

it in front of Tobias and Tobias is literally like, sorry, he's 15. He's 15. He definitely knows. He knows what that means. Yep. So that's fun. You're trying to navigate through every age of child in the home when Colby is shouting from the trampoline at the end of the garden. I sucked off a wanton. So, and we'll get into yours after. after this short break. We've got three secrets from you this week. We're going to be discussing to Emma. Hey, taking away.

All right. So I says, hi girls, long time listener. And a first time we're at running away from my responsibilities. Oh, I love this so much. I need to share a secret win because I feel like a secret agent on a very low budget mission. Oh my God. I'm excited. I know.

I'm 32, but let's be honest. I'm still waiting for my adult instructions to arrive in the post. I'm a stepmom to a 19 year old who is technically an adult, but it's the high stress kind of adulting that makes me want to hibernate. I have FND, functional neurological disorder and fibromyalgia, so my anxiety is at an all-time high, mostly because I've done the unthinkable. I dropped the car off for its MOT, and instead of scurrying home, I've sat down in a cafe alone with you in my ears keeping me company.

Oh, this is heaven. I used to be a do things on my own person before the chronic pain FND era, but sitting here feels like I'm free climbing Everest. Thanks for being my emotional support group, Sophie from Merseyside. Sophie. I wasn't prepared for that kind of love. What? That is beautiful, isn't it?

That's amazing. I'm so proud of you because that's a lot, isn't it? We get so wrapped up, not even just in mum life. We get so wrapped up with home life, house, staying on top of washing, cleaning, dishwasher, stripping beds, putting clothes away. And we think of everybody else. And sometimes it's not even getting wrapped up in mum life. It's just getting wrapped up in life that we don't take that minute. We don't take that minute to, do you know what?

I've started locking myself in the toilet when I have a poo. Have you? Just so no one comes in. Yeah. I go up into my unsuit and I lock myself in there just to go for a poo. Yeah. Nine times out of ten, no one comes in. But on that odd occasion, when you're mid-wipe, there is nothing, nothing more demoralising.

When you're mid-wipe and someone just walks in and you're like, can I just wipe my shit in peace? Like, it's the worst, isn't it? Yeah. And we just don't ever put ourselves first in any scenario. No. No. So I'm proud of you. Yeah, well done.

Well done. Things like that can be hard as well. I think some people don't like to be out on your own. It can be a bit of anxiety-inducing. And like she said, bless her heart, Sophie said before her chronic illness, it's a lot. Yeah. And when you, I can only imagine or speak on is that when you have your life before where you're confident, outgoing, you do loads of things on your own, you're a self-independent person and then you get a chronic illness. It's not just that you're chronically ill.

It takes so much away from you. Yeah. So it is hard. to come to terms with that, isn't it? Yeah, and wanting to go out and do things and thinking like, am I going to be able to do that? Am I going to be all right? And you did it. What a powerhouse.

Yeah. I love doing things on my own. You love, but yeah, you do love things on your own. Yeah, I do. I love my own company. I had a whole day yesterday on my own. Well, like between the kids being at nursery. Yes.

But Stefan wasn't there. Kids were at nursery. I just sat down and binged shillows of. It's basically a home self day. Yeah. Does anybody, you know, you know, So I want to know if people have self-days or self-date. And what do you do?

Yes. Because I thought, oh, it was really nice for everyone. I thought, I'm wasting the day. I had all these ideas. I was like, I'm going to get out. I'm going to go for a walk. It kind of got to the end of the day. And I was like, I've done fuck all.

But I've really recharged my battery. Yes. You've got to fill that cup up. I've got to fill my cup. And however you fill that cup, whether that's going out to shopping, cinema, a dinner date. Yeah. Or whether that's just at home, in your pyjamas, virgin on the sofa, watching whatever you want to watch.

It's how you feel that cup is perfect. It was bliss. Yeah. Yeah. I got to know what other people do. Yes. Because also I'm, because I'm not really, I don't suffer with anxiety or worries or or anything like that.

I definitely don't, not don't like doing things on my own, but I don't like doing things on my own. But you're like quite happy to be surrounded by your family all the time. And that's your happy place. If you were on your own for a day, would you like, how do you feel about like eating out on your own? Would you do that? Yeah.

If it was close to home, I'll do anything on my own. It's more than travelling, is it? I really struggle with travelling. Yeah. And I really struggle with like following a sat-nav to somewhere I've never been. Yeah. Like I find that really, really terrified. Also, I find something really weird is like even if I go to like Portsmouth or Bournemouth,

I find it really weird going into a shop on my own because I feel like, are they going to know this is not my local? Right. Yeah. And then I get real weird, I don't know how to explain it. But I go in the shop and I think people are going to know I don't live here. I'm not from round it. Like I drove to Oxford to buy a shelf, drove three hours to Oxford. So I think, can I just diagnose, I think your toxic tray is driving across the country to find homewares.

Yes. It's up there with being my favourite hobby in the whole entire world. So I drove to pick up a shelf in Oxford. Was it Oxford or was it Cambridge? It must have been Oxford. Cambridge would be quite far. Was it Cambridge I went to? Either way, I drove three hours there, three hours back.

Fucking hell. And I went into the shop to get my shelf that was £20. Best £20 pounds I've ever spent, to be honest. You spent £100 pounds on fuel? No, I didn't. Electric car charged it from home. Of course. I know.

Look at me, savvy bitch. But at the moment I walked in the store, I was like, oh, people don't know I'm from. And then I get like a weird imposter, not an imposter syndrome. I don't know what it is. And then I panic. And I'm like, let me just get my shelf, get back in the car, go the fuck home. Yeah. I like have to just get back home.

I'm like the opposite. I'd rather be somewhere where I'm anonymous. But now I've moved to a smaller community. My fear is going somewhere and people knowing me or like being recognized or going to a shop and seeing someone I know. because I never had that in London and I loved it. And now I'm like, fuck, I might see someone from the school or... Yeah. I don't like that.

I don't like being seen. Seen, not heard. No one needs to know what I'm up to. So, yeah, I'd love to know if anybody does... Shriff... Oh. If anyone else drives three hours to get a shelter... I need to know if anybody's self-dating.

Yeah. Self-dating. What are you doing for your self-date? Yeah. I would eat on my own, though. Happily. Oh, yeah, me too. Yeah, but I can see why some people don't like that.

Yes. Because I think actually eating in public is quite a vulnerable thing. Very vulnerable. And if I would do it, but if I see other people doing it, I feel very sorry for them. What? I feel sorry if I see... If I see someone eating on their own, I think what a fucking powerhouse. Kind of depends what insinuations I've made about their life.

But sometimes I do, I saw a man on the train today on his own, and I immediately just felt really sorry for him. Aren't we all on the train on our own, pretty much? I was. I can't tell you why. But you felt sorry for a man that was on his own? He had like a waistcoat and like a chain on his waistcoat. Like he was an old man dressed really smartly and I just couldn't deal. Because he might be just a really cool guy.

Yeah. but just you know i think if you're traveling on your i i just i find a lot of love in that i find a lot of love yeah yeah because i've spent a lot of time growing up where my mom didn't like being on her own so it was a lot growing up that my mom you know was struggled to go to places on her own and things like that and she wouldn't go out and she'd penalize herself doing things because she didn't want to do them on her own yeah and i kind of not that i didn't want to be like that because it's not a bad thing but I just wanted to grow up and just know that I can just do it yeah and there's and I want to show the children that they can do it yeah yeah but it is

it is a lot and it's a big big big big big one to come to terms of doing stuff on your own it is and I'm not going to say it came easy because it doesn't it is it takes a lot of a lot of um coheners yeah so thank you sophie so much yeah appreciate you but here's secret number two please. Okay, this one comes from Caitlin. Hello, Caitlin. She says, hey, Asop and Emma, you two really are my favourite gals. You're out. Yeah. It's finally time for me to be brave enough to share my own secret struggle. Following another listener sharing their fear of being unable to have children, I wanted to write in.

I've been with my partner for about a year and he has two children, one grown up and one daughter who is 10. Before we got together, he had a vasectomy. This made me feel similar to what Sof said, as though the chance to become a mum was taken away without my permission when I decided to pursue this relationship. He's everything I could ask for and a wonderful father. That isn't part of the challenge. As someone who has always felt maternal and longed for a child of my own, I struggle to come to terms with the fact that it may not be an option for my partner and me.

I do sometimes feel guilty because I know motherhood isn't one size fits all. I do feel motherly towards his daughter. And we absolutely parent her together alongside her mom and stepdad. I love her very much. But I do grieve the reality that I may never be pregnant and never see what sweet features our little one might share with their siblings or us. I guess I'm seeking reassurance and advice on how to navigate it all. Love Caitlin from Missouri. That's one's really, really tough. Really hard. Yeah. Obviously, I, was it in, was it, no,

it's the last Thursday episode, Tuesday episode that I said about, obviously, I had health complications when I met Chris and I wanted to make sure that I shared those with him really early doors. Because when we met, we were 26, nearly 27. And when we met, I wanted to make sure that he knew all of my health complications because I didn't want him to feel like he had to be with me if he wanted to have children of his own or be with somebody else because once you're in love it's then it's really hard then isn't it to walk away and it's as much as there'll be somebody that just says well leave him then and go and have a baby with somebody else that's not the case when you're in love with somebody and you've got a life with somebody and that's that's beautiful

um so i obviously had that talk with chris from early doors which i'm a moment imagining, I'd like to think your partner has also explained to you about this because him having the vasectomy is massive. Yeah. And if you're getting into a relationship, I would like to think, I hope that is something that he's talked to you about. Yeah. You would have then been able to have the decision as to whether you stick it, stay with him

or, you know, or you don't. I assume she didn't know about that before. Yeah. So my question is, is how, did he have a vasectomy because he didn't want any more children or was it that he didn't want any more children with his ex-partner? Yeah. Like it could have just been like a contraception thing. Because they can't be reversed, can't they?

Because it can be. That's what I was going to lead on to is if that is that you have had the conversation with him and how much you are longing for a baby, would he have the procedure to be reversed to allow you to have a baby together? I guess it just comes with communication and talking to him. I think it's within us for you to feel the way that you're feeling as a woman. There's a lot of talk and I don't know where it came from the other day. I want to say it was it come up.

Vicki Patterson was on with G. Fletcher. I think it was on there. Did you see it? No. And Vic was talking about her fertility journey and it was kind of expected, you know, that you get married and you have a baby. And, you know, and it was just what's classed as a woman's right. And that's what we're putting this earth to do when it's most 100% not. But I just don't know.

I feel like it's within us to have whether, you know, my sister-in-law doesn't want to have children. But yet she'll still come around and she'll still be like, oh my gosh, so cute. You know, I'd love to have a little baby. And she just says it because that's like a natural reaction or a womanly response or like a mother-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-how-how-feet to feel. No. It's just knowing what. you both want. Yes.

Like I wonder whether he was like, I never want to have any more children. And maybe that's how the relationship started. Yes. And then Caitlin kind of started to think. And that's okay for her. Actually. Yeah.

So don't you change your mind. And also I think the longer you're, or when you get with someone and you are like in this great relationship, you think like I thought about this loads when me and Stefan first started going out. Like I wonder what our children would look like. I wonder if we'll ever be able to have kids together. Like I think that's just a really normal thing to wonder when you're in love with

somebody. Yes. I don't know whether men think that as well. And maybe she was aware of that, but also I find something really attractive about a man when, you know, a man parenting. Like I find Chris way more attractive when he's, you know, with our children and how he's such a wonderful, a wonderful man, a wonderful dad and how he is with them, that's way more, you know, if I would have seen him with my nieces and my nephew and be like,

oh God, he'll be a great dad. That would then change my whole mindset if it was something that we maybe hadn't agreed. Maybe some people who don't want kids at all, like actually never have these thoughts. Yes, that's what I mean. I don't know. They might be deep in there and it may once in a moment pop into your head and then you're like, no, fuck, right. Maybe some people will never think about it. Maybe they're just literally like, no, I don't even wonder what my kids are going.

But no way is the right way. No. And equally, Caitlin might have gone into this relationship and they've both been on the same page. But it is also okay to things change. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. you know, have a conversation and just see what he's thinking. Yeah. Yeah.

An open, honest conversation with him. I don't think you're wrong in feeling how that you, the way that you feel. And I also don't think that being that he is a dad, I don't think if you haven't had the conversation, it would come as a shock. No. And they might not be closed up to have anymore. If neither have you had any children and had decided mutually that you weren't going to have any children and then the conversation come up, I'd imagine.

I'd imagine it would have been way more harder to have that conversation than if either one of you had a child. So obviously he has got a child and you've been together, you know, a year and you've watched their relationship. You've watched him parent. And your thought process has changed. But I don't think if you were to have that conversation, if you haven't yet, that it would come as a shock. He might be like, oh, well, I thought we talked about this. I didn't want anymore. And then obviously you can give your points as to what is changed or where your heart is at.

but I think honesty is the best policy. Yeah. Yeah. Just have a chance. Make sure you're both on the same page. See how it goes. Because one size does not fit all. No.

We're all different and that is beautiful. Yeah. God bless you. Please keep us posted as well. I'd love to know. And if anybody else, as we'll always say, if anybody else has been through this, had the same scenario or, you know,

experienced anything similar, then do let us know because we can pass it on. Yeah, I'd love to know. Yeah, I'd love to know as well. Right, let's have our last secret. Okay, hi ladies. My three-year-old girl is very independent now and often takes herself to the bathroom without telling us. When we're out in nature, we sometimes have to embrace the wild wee, which she's become very comfortable with.

At the park the other day, she suddenly started pulling her trousers down and said she was just going for a wee in a very open area. Luckily, we managed to move somewhere more private. Later, some friends joined us with their little girl, and the girls went off to ride their balance bikes while we sat on a picnic bench. I could see my little lady riding up and down the ramps near the pavilion. then suddenly she dropped her bike and ran around the back of the building. I called her and waited for her to come back and then she appeared from around the corner with her trousers round her ankles. She took a bag.

Shouting, Mommy, I done poo! So I grabbed the essentials to clean whatever I was about to face and ran over. Round the corner stood my daughter very proudly next to her poo sat neatly on the patio slab. After cleaning the child and sending her back off on her bike, I then wasn't sure what to do. Do I gag while picking it up with baby wipes or laugh? After I cleaned up the mess, I looked up. There were multiple signs saying, CCTV in operation.

Oh, no. Then I spotted the camera, which would have had a perfect view of the entire situation. Love Emma. Oh, Emma. Oh, and then you think someone's been watching my child. Take a poo. Curl one out on the patio slab.

Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. It's a bit of an invasion, isn't it? She just wouldn't have thought about it, though. I know. She hasn't gone, oh, I'm going to poo it. Oh, I bet not. They got a CCTV. She can't read that.

No. Bless her little heart. Also, do you leave the pill, pick it up? Pick it up. Yeah. You wouldn't leave dog poo. Pick it up with the wet wipes and get it in a nappy bag. And then put it in a dog poo bin.

Yeah. Yeah, of course. Oh, that is adorable though, isn't it? Well done her for not poo in her pants. She's so proud that she took a little poo. I've done a poo. I've done a poo. I love that they've got, like Joseph still has no shame about toilets and pooing and wein.

And I'm kind of just like, I hope. hope you never lose that. Like he's not embarrassed to go for a poo anywhere. He's just, it'll just drop his trousers and... Take a poo. Yeah, and I'm like, good for you. CCTV or not. Yeah, good for you.

I do feel a bit uncomfortable about that prospect, though, about someone, like some CCTV controllers like watching your door or Asher. That's a bit weird, in it. They've got to keep the streets safe. Free from pooing toddlers. Oh, I love that though. Thanks, Emma. So much.

So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. And if you'd like to share your secrets with us you can. The email is hello at secret mumpod.com or with Secret MumPod on TikTok and Instagram. Has your wild poo been kept? Have you kept your wild poo at all? As a souvenir. As a souvenir.

Has your wild poo been kept? What? I haven't kept my poo. Has your wild poo been caught on CCTV? I did in fact get caught on CCTV. TV one time. Doing a poo. High and I. Sorry, garage isn't there anymore.

Pied between two cars. Oh, only a weed day. Yeah, weed. But my whole butt crack was on the camera. I squatted between two cars and the camera was right there and my whole bum crack. You didn't realize. No, it was heavily intoxicated. Oh, well, I think that's fine. I think you get a free pass.

They would have seen my vagina as well. I was that bent over. It was like a bent over row. I dread to think the amount of CCTV I've been caught. Exactly. But yeah, if you're a little. one's been caught. Any, any form of CCTV cortage, let us know, I want to know. Yeah, not even just poof, just any, like, any CCTV. Any CCTV? That would be hilarious. Any missed to me.

It's like, um, like caught on kind of camera. Yeah. You've been framed, isn't there? Anyway, we digress. Or are you taking yourself out on a date this week? Then let us know, there really is nothing too outrageous. Keep an eye out for our Thursday episodes. And we'll see you next time on the secret mum club.