Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - Happy Birthday To Us!

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

Sophiena’s pulled out all the stops with Emma’s birthday gifts, and she’s even had some podcast-branded items made! The ladies talk about their birthday celebrations and Sophiena’s post-bath problems. Plus this week Emma has three secrets about interrupting itchy leg time, building up the confidence to leave your baby, and kids picking up swear words! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. This podcast is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Whether it's itchy legs. Or foo-foo crumbs. Sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous.

And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome in the secret mom club have you had a good week have you had a good week yeah because it's our birthday go go go shawley it's your birthday we're gonna party like it's your birthday we're gonna sip water like it's your birthday cheers cheers we going to sip water like it's your birthday. Cheers. Cheers. Ching, ching.

We're not allowed to Prosecco anymore. I know, we had Prosecco before, but now we've just got water. I got too pissed. Boring. We're in trouble with management for having alcohol in the studio. Were we? Got told off, didn't we? Because you kept knocking your Prosecco over with your massive ring.

I did like that. Kudos to the edit. It was double whammy isn't it it was good right i'm gonna kick it off first because i've got you some no i did you got me a present i have i feel terrible because i didn't get you anything that's not how i roll i'm a giver not a taker you should know this it's been how many weeks now we've been together we're getting married and all sorts you know you should know by now right you're ready i'm your maid of honor and everything exactly okay there is quite a few things but everything means something very special oh no so i got this for you oh my god but the bag is yours to keep and it says the mum club a lifetime

membership oh my god but we've got matching i've got the black one you've got the cream a tote bag oh my god here you go so i thought we could we could open these together are you okay to open them yeah i get really embarrassed don't be present we're in cut it's just you and me but for the podcast i'll do it don't be embarrassed because i feel like they're things that you're gonna super super love. There's nothing awkward. I could not bought you a dildo for your time when you're on your own sleeping nude. Oh, what? I know.

That's what I wanted. Thought we were just easing gently to our friendship. Am I opening them now? Yeah, let's do it. I thought we were going to talk about your birthday. No, we'll come back to that. That was too boring. Okay, we'll do it chronologically because my birthday was first, wasn't it?

Exactly. So we're talking about you first. Yours was on the 26th. Exactly there's lovely flowers in here they're nothing special and they did get squash on the tree but the thought was there no thank you you're bringing them i love the rain kept them very moist through the whole day they've been well watered got some roses and some lilies i think i don't know anything about flowers but that's what they look like they looked pretty to me thank you yes you are so. You can pop them on the desk if you want. Shall I?

I feel like we're doing a breakdown of so people can't see us. That's a nice bit of ASMR, isn't it? That was stunning. There we go. All right. I did get a little bit squished. I'm so sorry about that. They look beautiful.

Thought was there. Stunning. Next? Next. Is there an order I should open them in? No. Okay. No.

All right. I'm very excited i love giving yes okay this is a hotel chocolate chocolate box oh i think you just slide i'll slide it just slide through the sleeve oh slide oh yeah slide to the left oh come on it's the patisserie selection almost stunning truffles from Hotel Chocolat. Oh, I love that. Keep them away from the babies. Should we open them now? You can only, I can't because of these retainers, can I? Maybe I'll have some of those.

You can have those, yeah. Lush. Because you can run it off later. Thank you. I'm a total chocoholic. That's perfect. Can't get it back in the slime. Just chuck it on the desk.

I'll mind your script out of the way. Next. I'm so excited. This is so much fun isn't it all right this is dangerous is it a bottle of prosecco wow it's kylie minogue prosecco i thought keeping theme with our era only the best for me did you listen to kylie minogue i did and i've never tried the kylie wine but apparently it's really good that is stunning yeah it's little hearts on the bottle so if you want to make it to a like a candle yeah keep it cute isn't it i don't know i don't know

why i keep the bottles that's a weird thing to do isn't it no that's such a nice bottle though you can't just put that in the recycling you can't i put one of those big old candles in it yeah like you're in a restaurant yeah nice yeah rosea prosecco sushi around it tesco sushi candle well away i love presents so much do you no there's not there's also two here but you can't have them two after oh my god i'm gonna have to buy you something shut up you weirdo no you don't okay these are wrapped so here we go also i really love the wrapping paper yeah did you wrap these as well yeah i would say i bought it specifically for you but i didn't i actually bought it for my brother's birthday present there was some left over so i was like it's

lovely recycled it's covered in uh like safari animals gorillas elephants beautiful i'm gonna try and open it so i can salvage it and use it again is that scabby no that's absolutely iconic do you know who'll love this as well as joseph because he'll be able to point out all the animals i picked this but it's is it a photo of me and you? I wish it was. I went one better. It says photo slate. Oh my God.

I really love the picture because you are looking at Joseph and Stefan. But I thought even if you have it at work or something like that. It's a picture of me and Stefan and Jojo. Oh my God. This is the picture that someone commented saying are you pregnant it's done yeah it's baby number two on the way oh but i still love it i still i still love it i

love it that you're looking at them yes lovingly yes this was a really cute did you want to show the show the team it's printed on slate as well i've never seen that before fancy as fuck isn't it so from a lady on TikTok called The Slate Lady. Kirstie, she's been with me my whole journey on TikTok. And she's just the most insanely talented little person. I love that. I'm going to have that up at work. Like a director.

I'm going to have it on my desk. Yeah, get your name plaque. Oh, love that. Get your name plaque. I don't even know how many's left. One more. Three more. Well, there's these.

Oh, that's just a little notepad for work. Little notepad. Yes. Hello, beautiful. To remind yourself. Thank you. Every day that you're beautiful. notepad for work. Little notepad. Yes. Hello, beautiful. To remind yourself. Thank you. Every day that you're beautiful. Love it.

There's two more to unwrap. One's squidgy, one's hard. Should I do the hard one? What is that? Dunno. It sounds like a box of Maltesers. It's definitely not Maltesers. No.

Because they're my favourite, so I would have just had them. Oh, I got this, but I don't actually know if you have one. So that's a little bit disappointing, isn't it? Oh, I'm nervous. Do you have one? I feel like everyone has one. No, the Northumberland Candle Company. Do you have a wax burner?

No. Damn it. Do you know what? I'm denied about buying you a wax burner as well. Oh, what do you mean? You put the wax in it with a little candle. Oh, and the candle goes underneath? Yes.

Yeah, how cool are those? It's just some little wax in it. Oh, little waxes that go in there? Yeah. Oh, they smell wonderful. You can pull the paper and see them if you want to open them. Oh, I don't want to. It's so nicely wrapped.

I don't want to ruin it. Oh. Oh, look. They look good enough. Oh, my God. They're Barbie themed. Shut up. Oh, my God.

Oh, they're incredible. That is amazing. They look like sweets. I want to eat them. They look like those old sweets from Picamix, the pink and white ones, don't they? Oh. They is amazing. They look like sweets. I want to eat them. They look like those old sweets from Picamix, the pink and white ones, don't they? Yes, yes. Oh.

They smell divine. Aren't they gorgeous? Oh, my God. I was honestly living when I bought all of these. Do you know who's going to love those? Stefan. Willie? Yeah.

Willie? Yeah, honestly, he loves... Sorry. He loves, like, candles and, like, wax burners and diffusers and stuff like that. He's very girly in that way. Such a man after our heart, isn't he? I i know he'll love the pink barbie b too oh my last one last one i feel like it's clothes is it is it a t-shirt oh my god i'm nervous i'm so excited i love how much

you love giving gifts i've never seen someone so excited for me to unwrap something. This is so good. Oh my God. The way it gets met out. Yes. Love. Oh my God. Isn't it so iconic?

The ultimate guide to the 90s. Polly Pockets, bubble bags, trolls on pencils, predicting your love life. Yes, I love those paper things. The iZone camera. iZone camera. No, I didn't. I did collect pogs, band tapes Predicting your love life. Yes, I love those paper things. Did you have an iZone? The iZone camera? iZone camera? No, I didn't. I did collect pogs, band tapes,

watching Zap. Zap? Yes. What's a FooFoo? Is that a yoga? Chris doesn't remember. Well, Chris remembered what they are, but he was like,

they used to give me headaches. What is it? They like a UFO with a toy in the middle. I used to call them FooFoo. Oh, balloons! Oh, no. There's too much excitement. It sent the happy birthday balloons down.

Right, then. And there we go i haven't done a party popper since about 1999 i love the smell of that yeah me too burning wow fire i came in today and admired your ultimate 90s boy band t-shirts is this from the same company yes it is from the same lady it is from the same same lady but there were so many to choose from and i was like i don't even know which one i'm gonna have to go with that one thank you so much oh my god and then we just got two more no but they're to do with this okay okay so they're nothing but we've honestly we've got the same but i wanted you to open yours first stop it i can't believe how generous you stop it this is more than what i did for my actual birthday i'm just a giver i just love giving gifts so much am i receiving it well

you are receiving it well do you feel nervous i yeah i get really nervous about opening people yeah you've received it well though there's an expectation to like react in a certain way i think everybody reacts differently don't they i feel like i take the excitement for everybody in the party. Yeah. I just get so excited giving gifts. I think it was like ruined for me growing up because whenever I open anything, my mum immediately goes, I've got the receipt. I've got the receipt if you hate it.

So I'm always like dialed down my every time. Also, now you've got to get to the point where the babies open the gifts before you can open them. Yeah. So you're like, oh, I don't even know what I got. Oh, you've opened it all. Yeah. That's really great.

I can't wait for Joseph to help me. But at the moment he doesn't. Oh my God. This is a coaster. For our strap. I win. With your face on it. Thank you so much.

I thought we could have some here. This will have pride of place. No, in my house. You've got one for home as well. Oh yes. I've got one for here and then one for at home. Oh my God. Look at that. There she is then one for at home. Oh, my God. Look at that.

There she is. In all her glory. In all her glory. Yes, I am. Have you got one as well? Yeah, I'll go grab mine in a second. I'm going to put my glass on it. There we go. Iconic, hey?

Lush. Last one. Oh, it's just a mug. It is, isn't it? It is. It's a white cardboard box with, yes, secret mum club mugs. Oh, hold on. Yeah, look on the back.

Wait. Oh, my God. See, I thought everything was just covered in your face. And I thought, bit self-indulgent. But it's got my name on the back. I thought, when we're apart, you're always going to have a bit of me. And what does it say on it? We're all in this together. No, they say on it? We're all in this together.

And we don't. No, they just stopped it. We're all in this together. I thought we could just. We don't know the rest of the lyrics. Oh my God. Happy birthday, Angel. It's like Christmas Day.

It's our birthday together. Look how much shit I'm surrounded with. This makes me so insanely happy though to give gifts. Oh my God. Thank you. So now tell me. Tell me about your birthday well compared to that it was shite i did absolutely nothing i'm like i'm not really one for celebrating

my birthday so it's this is but you had a lovely cake lovely to be made a fossil yeah stefan knows that like the one thing that i'll be annoyed if my birthday passes without is like a nice fancy birthday cake so he did get me a lovely cake and it was in welsh it was written in he put a message in welsh yeah it said is it weird like it said to mummy look a happy birthday love from joseph and daddy obviously stefan did it but it's like is it weird that he's done it like from joseph's perspective um i have chris saved in my phone it's daddy and my friend literally loses her shit every time he calls me or texts me but to me the babies recognize d-a-d-d-y yeah so they're my phone unlocks to the children's face recognition right so if there's an emergency at home and chris isn't

there they know to go into my phone book and the names of our family members granddad grammys yeah auntie uncle yeah they know who to ring that's actually so i do it so that they recognize the name but they're there and even when i'm out in public and the phone goes and it's like daddy you're like oh god hello oh god it's my sugar daddy hello daddy i'm not calling you that in public stop it i never thought i would do that before i had children and then obviously when it happens you just naturally revert into that thing yeah each other mommy and daddy um so yeah so he got me a really nice cake and then it was just really low-key i went to my sister's house she did like a little afternoon tea a little spread we had some cremont do you ever drink

cremont no it's like a bit posher than prosecco but not as posh as champagne it's kind of like mid-tier it's lovely is it i thought it was that little boulder um what's that little boulder with the um it's like red shamble oh sham shamble shambled is that what it is that's is that what you just said no it's like it comes in a champagne like a bottle like that oh it's like fizzy fizzy like it's like prosecco basically a bit posher oh nice had loads of that and um loads of cake and it was just very chilled and lovely but it's not prosecco basically a bit posher oh no i had loads of that and um loads of cake and it was just very chilled and lovely but it's not like i feel like when you've got kids it's not like a normal birthday is it you're still like up early doing all the shit that's what everyone says all

the time they're like oh you know did you do anything special no no it's just a normal day it's just a normal but i've never been asked about celebrating my birthday like but it's my worst nightmare to have a party and have like the pressure and the expectation of people not turning up i'd rather not do anything is that miserable no it's you it's that thing isn't it that the the risk of disappointment like if no one turns up and then you've got to be like real jolly for the ones that have come yeah there's the ones that didn't come yeah my personality type is like i'd rather just not put myself out there we're so opposite aren't we yeah literally fall into the cancel, which is my brother. And you're Leo.

And I'm Leo, full Leo. All eyes on me, guys. I don't care if it's one party there, one person at my party, we're going hard. We'll just be raving in the garden. Life and soul. Yeah, yeah. But I used to be a real love my birthday person

until I had babies. Until the children started to understand and stuff. And then they opened my gifts and I was like, you know what, fuck this. I'd just rather it i don't i don't want you touching my gifts stop touching my gifts i thought you were gonna say it's all about them now you know i'm so selfless as a mother no it's not it's actually your fucking gifts i do love but i love to give so i love to just give to them and yeah equally don't want to touch my shit yeah stop opening it at christmas is the worst of it i basically have a panic attack

you're like stefan he loves i'm like oh you know i'm past like you don't have to get me presents don't worry about it i'm an adult now like i don't need christmas presents save your money i just spend time with my family stefan's like i want loads of presents under the tree and if i don't get them i'm gonna be fuming oh yeah stefan run yeah run and hide yeah oh see i know i'd rather not have any presents yeah if anybody says to me what do you want for your birthday i'm like i just don't want anything no time is so much more precious to me i'd rather have time with my family i totally agree because that is so much more precious to me and you can't buy time no and like i got to spend and have a meal with my brother this week nice

with his wife and i don't get that very often so meal with my brother this week nice with his wife and I don't get that very often so to take my brother like my brother's got lots of friends all over the world and they travel all around and to have him at home for a whole like we had him for a good six hours and the babies were in their element they loved it what a treat that would that's way more precious than any gift to me so for yours you did because i heard you talking about your birthday obviously you always have to say our birthday because you're a twin but it's so natural for me yeah it sounds weird for me to say my birthday because we're talking about it face to face but when i'm talking about it on my phone i only ever really talk to people about it who know my brother yeah so i always refer to as our or it's

his birthday well you must have had to say our birthday your whole life all my life you've always shared your birthday which it sounds weird to me i know and there's so many people were so were not what didn't take any offense to it but so many people were like you say our birthday you don't say mine yeah there'll be some occasions that i say it but it is ours yeah i share it with somebody incredible yeah like he's an absolute g like he's a dude i've never known somebody as just as cool as him i think he's just as cool as me no no he's why he really matches my coolness he's he's cooler than me he's just such a dude and i feel so lucky that i get to share it with him

yeah i wouldn't want to win what i want to win what i want to win what i want to win what i want to win i really want to dig a zig ah so you saw your brother yes what else did you get up did you get presents i did i did what did the kids do does chris get you something like from the kids yeah we mainly just do children presents from the children. We don't really give, plus I just got that. So I was like, oh, that's a lot. Chris is like, what more do you want? My blood in stone. Just a date for the wedding really.

Colby bought me some little earrings. Oh, I saw, to match the ring. To match my engagement ring. And he picked them all on his own. Did he? He went, obviously they now are like Pandora because they collect all the Disney bits. Yeah. And he went on the website and he was like,

Mummy, you really want some earrings because she keeps losing her earrings. When I say I lose them, I don't lose them. Dottie loses the backs. So I have to take my back off to put it on hers. And I have to go earringless. Yes. So I don't lose them. And then Dottie got me a little charm.

Oh, for your bracelet. And then I had copious amounts of wine chocolates flowers just the normal the normal gifts you know my mum got me a candle some chocolates I went around and had a some lunch with my sister and the babies but again I don't want it to be about me I just want the children to have the best day yeah just go out in the garden as long as the sun's out and it's shining but yeah pretty pretty mediocre pretty low-key yeah 35 now we are 35 we are 35 one is 35 one one one sheet is plenty it feels weird 35 because i feel like you're like on the other side stop that stop you're on your way to 30 shut up you are you're in your mid 30s now proper no you're not yeah we've only been it for a week yeah but still in five more years you're gonna be

40 why are you such a mood hoover no i don't mind being 40 just turn it off to me that was an age that was like old when our parents were 40 i thought they were old i thought she's not old anymore 40 is the new 30 but i remember i remember my mom being 30 is that insane she had us when she was quite young i was gonna say my mom had me at 30 i was at my mom's 30th birthday party so now that i'm 35 that is wild how old was my mom when she had me yeah because it's my mom's 30 years older than me she had me at 30 yeah that's easy maths that is easy math yeah so when i turn 30 she turned 60 yeah when i turn 60 she's gonna turn 90 sorry mum you're listening to this that's a bit ah wasn't in taking an emma then emma's mood no i'm not i'm not being negative i'm just saying to me it feels like quite a milestone

age do you know what though as well is i don't know if you do it you know when we're now july because we're mid-year babies and we're in the middle of july right now it's christmas fuck off oh yeah now i am no that wasn't where i was going out with this sorry god i you know when you get to december a new year yeah and then you go into the new year yeah do you start calling yourself the new age no oh see when i come january i'll be like i'm 36 now you're like my mom she's always rounding us up. She'll start saying to people now, Emma's 40. My sister's 37. She's been telling people for years. She's 40.

Katie's 40. I've basically got three children in their 40s. I'm like, we're all in our 30s still, mum. Stop aging us. I think she just forgets. She can't keep track of the ages. So she just rounds it all up. It's too many.

Yeah, but she's been doing it for years. That's so iconic. I know. Chris literally is, his birthday is December. so he's only in my eyes he's only like his age for three weeks and then we go into a new year and i'm like oh fuck now you're 37 he's like i've just turned 36 his year starts in december right i can't help it but he but i never do it to the children but chris rounds the children up literally so he says they're like he's been calling dotty six i'm like she's not even five i feel like you did that

though because when i first met you i thought your children were seven and five and then you were like no they're six and four that's just a permanent mum brain yeah i know you can't remember you can't when you've got more than one it's hard to keep on top of it but we've had a whale of a time haven't we yeah what a week happy birthday to us so after all of that excitement me and emma really want to hear from you so join us in the secret mum club you're all welcome you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or email us hello at secret mumod.com so what have we got this week Emma right one here says morning ladies thank you for sharing my itchy leg secret

it's the OG it sounds so funny when someone else talks about it I texted my hubby with a picture of the episode title and his reply was what have you done crying laughing emoji and had a giggle too love the podcast. Oh my God. He was probably like, I can't believe. You have told people our itchy legs. And not only that,

you've become a catchphrase on the podcast. And a full on catchphrase forever. Even on my Instagram. Yeah. That's what people are calling it now. Forever itchy legs.

Do you know what? Watched a film last night and they were just itching their legs. And I was just like, well, the nation have just taken over. They were what?'re getting getting down to it they were itching legs yeah yeah and i just thought oh come on get in with those itchy legs we've also had a few of you

tell us what you said as soon as your partner popped the question because we asked that yes when chris proposed to you faye says she was proposed to whilst her partner was driving her home after a 14 hour shift at the care home her response was fuck off they're now celebrating 10 years together this year oh are they married yeah 10 years ago 10 years married yeah oh i love that so much the fuck off is was up there would be in one of the i think that's a common response common shut up yeah you joking you're taking the piss yeah where's ashton kutcher kate says her partner proposed just after he had shaved her head whilst on chemotherapy she asked him what the fuck are you doing and then followed up by saying but i'm naked and bald oh yeah but he obviously loves it. Oh, my gosh. Oh, Kate.

Charlotte says she was proposed to at Disneyland Paris inside the castle. Lovely. Her partner got down on one knee and she said, you're such a dick and cried her eyes out. After about 10 minutes, she said yes. Oh, my God. Imagine being in Disneyland Paris with all these children. You're such a dick. God, what did he do?

Are you all right? Yeah, no, sorry. He just asked me to marry him. Poor guy. Oh, gosh. He said yes in the end. Oh, well, that's the main thing. They were good, weren't they? They were all happy endings as well.

What? Get out of here with your filthy mind. We all need happy endings the endings oh my crumbs so you can get in touch with us on anything at all oh yeah it can be serious or silly and like we said you can be totally anonymous because between us we've probably heard it all before and remember raise your glass oh we're all in this together And we know that we are We're all stars And we see that

Come on, motherfucker. Bring it in. Each week, we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the Secret Mum Club. So here's my secret of the week. It's not so much of a secret this week. It's more of a general question. I don't know if it happened before I had children

or it's not poo okay we're looking at me like oh fuck is it more poo or more period no the dog's on the period this week oh no yeah so they if you want to talk periods the pooch is on her period okay but she's going to have the old did you put a little pair of knickers on yeah we used to do that dotsy just puts her pants on her all the time and then takes my sanitary towel into her pants and just shoves it on her i mean it works a treat i'm surprised she doesn't take your face sponge and put it in her knickers i wonder why i've got no sanitary towel and also got foo-foo crumbs on my face the amount of people that messaged me and was like i know why mabel's licking your face now because she's licking the fucking fufu crumbs the sponges

have gone now though I would like to add all right she's just using my loofah now instead so so it's not period and it's not pee okay go on so you know when you have a bath I do and you lie in the bath do you have to stand in the bath for a couple of just a couple of seconds and just let the nile run out of you i feel like when i get in the bath i just take in water inside myself and i just have to stand there and it's the annoying thing when i stand in the bedroom and chris is like are you pissing yourself i'm like oh sorry it's the bath water just running out of my foo-foo does it happen to you i swear it never happened before i had children and now i just can't stop the water no matter how much i try and get in the

bath and just hold my pelvic to stop the water going inside but it never stops so it's not wee no it's not it's just clear water just coming out and it can't hold it it just runs out it's not wee no i don't have that but do you bath a lot like i don't have that many baths actually i don't really love a bath i'm too impatient i want it to be over and done within like five minutes so i'm a shower person but i can you have a bath tonight and tell me no i have had a bath before and that hasn't happened but i wonder whether it's post children whether it's a bit i had a big bucket crutch i had a game i wasn't gonna say that but yeah it's a bit more cavernous in there a lot more space for the water to go in and be held what before i had children no did this happen before

you had children i thought you were saying you had a big vagina no i'm talking about you no it never happened before no not that i know that's what i mean so after children maybe it's made more space there for the water to go into what just just sit in there yeah and then get it all out i just went to chris and chris was like are you are you i was like no i'm not douching i didn't even know what douching was until I Googled it. It's washing. Yeah, yeah. I had to watch a demonstration on YouTube of how to douche yourself in the bath. God, delete your search history.

And then I said to Chris, I'm not douching in the bath. I literally am not in there long enough to fucking douche. No, it hasn't happened to me, but I did have a cesarean. So I have a a cavernous vagina i'm not making any accusations well i need to know i need to know if anybody else is collecting the river nile in their vagina when they're having a bath or the thames whatever whatever you want to call it are you storing water way up in there like a camel yeah with a hump yeah let us know you'll be interested to know and pre or post children or both i just literally let it out all over the

bedroom floor and dots is like whoa muddy puddles no no this is not muddy this is not what with the bloody dog bleeding everywhere honestly me with my dripping pissy vagina i don't even know what it fucking is i'm assuming it's just water because i can't control it not coming out i hope you haven't got carpets no you've got bed and floor something no i changed it off for that reason i thought the question was going to be do you wee in the bath and i was just going to say yeah do you in the bath in my I was just going to say, yeah. Do you wee in the bath? In my own bath, I would, yeah.

It's really good for your skin for you to wee in your own bath. Is it? Yeah, it's really good for your skin. I just think like if Bear Grylls drinks his own wee, it can't be that bad for you. Does he actually drink his own wee? Wow. Does he sleep in the woods? I think he just pops off to a hotel.

I think he does. No, he doesn't. I think he does. Does a bear sleep in the woods? I think he does. Yeah, but Bear Grylls is a a human not a grizzly bear he might go by bear but he's not actually a you know would you sleep out there no would you go on i'm a celebrity get me out of here yeah would you i was gonna say would you drink your own piss no um if you're on like a survival

program it depends if i drunk enough water my when you got a sugar puff wee in the morning no not a strong one but i probably would do like a diluted yeah maybe a diluted down one it's already been inside you so it can't be that bad can it yeah but you'd have to put it on ice or something wouldn't you i don't think it'd be good for warm no but anywho anyways there's for this this week let us know you drink your own piss for a detox full strength or diluted let us know holler at your girls for all the piss talk and join us on our seven day cleanse on our juice cleanse i've nearly put me back out again this is the secret mom club the safe space for

you to share your secrets we've got three secrets from you where we're going to discuss this week emma yeah let's hit number one all right this is from georgia says hi ladies i'm not a mom but love this podcast thank you very much georgia thank you and i work in a nursery so i can relate one of the children was poorly in the middle of the day so i called their mom who answered the call completely out of breath i told her that she needed to come to the nursery and she said we'll get dressed and come to get her i cringed straight away mom and dad turned up together but the worst part is three months later she told us she was pregnant i can't unhear that breathless conversation on the phone she called them mid itchy legs what

in the how the fuck is she doing that in the middle of the day middle of the day and she's already got like a i assume a toddler who's at nursery so is she pregnant as well yeah she she said three months later she told her she was pregnant oh shit that might have been the time they had that they conceived the new baby how do you feel about that oh i don't know imagine calling someone and knowing afterwards that when you spoke to them they were mid rompy pompy itchy legs would you would you want why are you on to oh because it's nursery i can't say you can't ignore the call can you most most calls you would it's like that scene in love actually where she keeps answering the phone and he's like will it make what does he say will it make him any better

well yeah when your child needs picking up from nursery probably you do need to answer you do need to answer i just don't know why they're having sex in the middle of the day i know before anyone comes for me you can have sex any time of the day and anywhere according to emma yes because she sleeps naked and she's freaky in the sheets I sleep naked but on my own without my husband but she gets freaky naked in the kitchen I think though she might be putting two and two together and getting five here because even though the dates work out doesn't necessarily mean they might have been on a run she could have been on a jog yeah you know i don't think i don't think she was or doing some vigorous housework but both of them together undressed because she she did

clearly mention we'll get dressed and come together we will get dressed oh yeah yeah no i don't think they're out on a run so So either they're running naked around the garden. Together. Or they're doing some vigorous housework. Nude. Naked together. Yeah, what other activities do you do? Cooking. Naked and together that make you out of breath. Yeah, I think she's...

Well, it can get quite steamy in the kitchen, can't it? Especially, especially... You're naked and you're sure not to fry your nips. Or your willy. Oh, God, can you imagine the willy near the hope but don't do it naked please please stay fully dressed no i think she's onto something yeah i think i think her two and two making five is completely had to cut wow that one's got us a little bit hot and bothered how embarrassing should we move on to

number two yeah i love that one thank you i love that one i love i love a bit of getting caught out all right secret number two says hello emma and soph my wife and i have an amazing baby boy who's just turned one i had a bit of a traumatic birth and ever since we arrived home from hospital i never leave him i think i've been out once since I've had him. My wife is always telling me to go out, but I get instant mum guilt. What if he misses me? What if he wants me? I would love to be able to go out and let my hair down and see my friends. Please help.

Congratulations, Safina, on your engagement. Oh, God bless you. Thank you so much. And congratulations on your baby. On your baby. Because I still even, one is still congratulations because that's huge. Love the pod, Kylie. Oh, thank you, you Kylie I don't think

this feeling will ever get any better no there is nothing in any way shape or form that anybody can ever tell you that it's ever going to take that feeling away like I'm seven years in yeah and I feel bad I feel guilty now like I cry when I get on the train in the morning and I leave them yeah and then I sit on the train texting Chris the whole time asking if they're okay once this is done i will go out of here and i will ring them and pretty much stay on the phone until like they pick me up there is no time when this ever ever gets better yeah but it's kind of you just find that in the strength that you just have to well and you have to you have to do it for practical reasons like you can't be everywhere with them all of the time unfortunately um if you

have to go back to work obviously there's that and even if you don't go back to work um there's stuff that you're gonna need to do that's away from them but it is it's always hard leaving them one is still young as well he's still really young they're so little they can't do much for themselves then so you kind of want to be with them all the time and there's that feeling that like whatever they need you're the best person to give it like yeah to care for them so even leaving them with like grandparents and stuff is lovely but you're like do you know the first time i left chris with colby alone i was like oh the baby's settled he's had milk he's absolutely great i said to chris it was late at night it was dark so i was like i'm just gonna pop out to go and pick some

bits up from mother care because I hadn't been out of the house in the whole time of having him right I went out and I got stuck in some traffic I had my music blaring I was like whoa in the car I was giving it some luck my phone was obviously ringing didn't realize because I hadn't connected it to my hands free then I was stuck in traffic and I thought, I'm just going to ring Chris and let him know that I'm stuck in traffic because I'm not even at my destination yet. Well, there was about 48 missed calls in the five minutes I'd left the house. So I rung him back.

He was frantic. Colby was screaming. I couldn't turn my car around. I had to sit in the traffic for 25 minutes. It was the longest 25 minutes of my life. I didn't even get to my destination. I walked through the door to Chris, red-faced. Colby was naked because he'd sweated so much from screaming

that we took everything off. He took everything off and just had him in his nappy. And I literally was bawling my eyes out, walked through the front door, took the baby, and I just remembered going to Chris. I can fucking ever do that ever again. He was like, I don't know what I've've done you've just made the fucking baby cry traumatizing for you it was traumatizing that long knowing that he was upset as well but you couldn't get back couldn't get

back so stuck in traffic no way you know when you drive in all different directions you still go down that yeah you can't everywhere everywhere was rammed i couldn't get home my heart was literally in my bum hole i was like this the whole way home like oh fuck fuck fuck fuck and i kept ringing chris and he was like i can't hold the baby and talk to you and he come through the door and he's like this it's a horrible feeling i think ignorance is bliss in a way like when my mum looks after joseph and something's wrong she tries not to tell me and afterwards i'm always like why didn't you tell me but i think at the time she's trying to protect me because i'm like away somewhere she doesn't want to ruin my weekend whatever i think what might help kylie is like doing some small small trips out so like pop

into the shop just go to the supermarket yeah and do something where you know you can get back really quickly and then you can just extend it bit by bit maybe you could try going out for lunch on your own or go out for a evening or just extend it bit by bit and get used to that feeling of being away from him but always knowing you can get back because then you won't feel that out of control stress of being like i'm like i agree i think that's the best advice i would just yeah maybe or even just take a walk around the block yeah you're only five minutes away from home you're not going to get stuck in any traffic yeah but just take yourself five minutes put the podcast on hours yeah obviously and just take yourself five minutes put the podcast on

hours yeah obviously and just take a little stroll around the block yeah get some fresh air and just it's just that little bit of loosening the strings yeah just a little bit and that does feel nice that freedom like i remember when i went back to work after joseph was born i actually ended up going back when he was quite young he was like five months so i was really worried about it but actually when i got used to it it was really liberating and freeing just being away and having like a bit of the old me back and having a bit of time to myself and talking to other adults and just like a sense of normality back in my life knowing that I was going to be home to him later that day because that might feel really nice you just

feel like you give it a try yeah lose yourself a little bit don't you yeah you got this and you're doing incredible and how you feel i would just like to say it's completely normal yeah because we all feel it but we don't always talk about it do we no i'm quite open about it you on the other hand you're not i'm just gonna say you're more reserved i feel like you're more like the scary one in this friendship if you're gonna fuck with me you gotta take on Emma and she's one scary motherfucker right now we've done with the poo on that number two what let's roll into wow this one's a big one I don't want to read it I want to okay you want to be surprised yes yes all right this is the last secret it says hi ladies i've got a secret when my son was born

i decided i was going to make an effort to stop swearing why the fuck would you do that i'm joking i'm normally rather good but last week i was giving my three-year-old a bath after my husband had a shower and i accidentally slipped on the wet floor. It bloody hurt, so my natural reaction was to say, ow, shit. My son then burst out laughing and started to say shit over and over again. I didn't react in the hope he wouldn't remember and repeat it again.

Roll on a few days later, I picked him up from preschool. He was very happy to see mummy, but his key worker had a rather serious look on her face. She pulled me aside and made me aware they had to tell him off as he'd used a naughty word. My son then proudly says, I fell over and said, ow, shit.

I was mortified. Turns out I'm a bit of a rubbish mummy. Lauren. No, Lauren. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Shut the fuck up. No, you are not.

Arte, to make you feel better, Lauren, I wasn't going to share this this week go on so we were in the car the other day and not that i get recognized all the time people are so kind to to say hello when they see us some when we're in the car so you'll be sat in the car and i'm people i can feel people like like looking at me and chris will be like there's someone at the someone's looking at you in the window i'm like wow and I do the sort of just do the little wave there's been the odd occasion where I've had some that are okay let's just say not so kind okay so there was one the other day and we were in the car and I said to Chris Chris said oh there's that person waving there's somebody waving so I just

did that and then I sort of looked straight on and chris was like no they want you to undo the window and i was like okay yeah let's undo the window hi yeah you're right and they were like you're that fucking kind of tiktok and then out of nowhere just went why don't you just do one dickhead that would be dotty out of the window. I've never shit myself so much in my whole entire life. I was like this with the window. Oh my God. I said to Dottie, you can't shout that at people out the window. She was like, well, it was being an absolute dickhead. So Lauren, if that makes you feel any better that my daughter is road raging at nearly five years old out of the window on my behalf i love that

she was sticking up for you she was but it was just the fact that she just leaned out the why don't you just do one dickhead she loves flipping the bird she does a bird yeah yeah we're a family of double middle finger suck on that i don't think it makes you a bad parent at all i personally my me personally my opinion on swearing is that i expose the children to it we use it in a very different tone and we also do are very aware of the f word c word whatever word being used in a different term that a different tone which they know is aggressive yeah and threatening the way we use it at home also i don't want to have a 12 year old boy who goes up to secondary school has never

been so exposed to swearing he hears all these children saying fuck and then he's like fuck fuck everyone fuck this school fuck this place fuck my mum fuck do you know what i mean them boys them kids at school were so fucking irritating that i just used to be like god have you never heard the word fuck yeah yeah and some some children haven't so if i'm exposing them to them now it makes them very aware of the words the context in which they're being used the tone in which they're being used so i'm just preparing them for life i totally agree it's such a weird thing with swearing like why are those the words that are bad i think you're right it's all about context isn't it and if they understand why is a tree green yeah why is a tree even called a tree exactly let's just call

it a vagina a tree no uh call it a tree it happens for everyone i'm sure it does i think the nursery workers are entitled to their opinions some people are offended by swearing if you are if you are fuck you i was just gonna say i don't think this would be the correct podcast for you but we appreciate you for being here if you are here i'm sorry about that but thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Thank you. Well, that's been a wrap. That's a wrap. That was wild this week, wasn't it?

Yeah. It's always wild. It's always a wild ride. It's always a wild ride. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week. Everyone is welcome in the Secret Mum Club. If you'd like to share your secrets with us, you can. You can email hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Release your secrets onto us. Release your secrets with us, you can. You can email hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram.

Release your secrets onto us. Release your secrets onto us. There really is nothing too gross or outrageous. And if you're enjoying the podcast, tell your mum friends about us. They need to know about itchy legs, foo-foo crumbs, and kissing in bed.

So share it with them. Because there's a lot of people that don't know what itchy legs are. So you need to share it with them. Because there's a lot of people that don't know what itchy legs are. So you need to share it with the nation. Itchy legs, foofy crumbs, snogging in bed. So we'll see you next week on the... Secret Mum Club. We get it.

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