Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - Help I Sexted My Secret Mum Club

Episode Date: September 5, 2024

The ladies have teamed up with William and Jordan from Help I Sexted My Boss for an extra special crossover episode! The boys get a crash course in the messy realities of parenthood, leaving one of them feeling a bit light-headed (William) and one of them more broody (Jordan). We share a mum’s secret about a milk explosion, and the boys bring a few of their listener dilemmas on board, including the age-old question of whether you can stay friends with an ex. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to this very special episode where help i sexed my boss joins the secret mum club thank you now for all of the secret mum club listeners out there hello we are william and jordan i am jordan this is william you do that every time i know it's not funny anytime i do it anyway hello to you hello hello and for all of you g and divas we're safina and emma from the secret mom club hang on g and divas g and divas yes we who are the g and divas do you have a name for you no i was just thinking we need a name like the um like swifties is that what it yeah yeah i'd like yeah i mean i don't quite know when taylor swift started but i think we've had g and divas for a while did we pre-date come up like Swifties. Is that what it... Yeah. I'd like... I mean, I don't quite know when Taylor Swift started, but I think we've had

G&Divas for a while. Did we pre-date Swifties? Ben came up with it. He came up with the term G&Divas and he's... It's the only thing he's ever brought up. Managed to get an executive producer

What is a G&Diva? Well, it's a listener, but I would say it's one above a listener. Right. I'd say they're fairly committed. Okay. Committed to the cause.

And some of them should be. We drink gin and the bonnet, so we call them G&D. That's the G&D. G&D. Right. I'd say they're fairly committed. Okay. Committed to the course. And some of them should be. We drink gin and Dubonnet, so we call them G&D. That's the G&D. G&D. Right. Which it would only be polite for us to offer you a gin and Dubonnet, a G&D, if you would like one. I've been eyeing that up for like-

Since we've been here. Since we started, yes. And we were in the old studio as well. Because those bottles of Dubonnet were everywhere. Well, they're sort of everywhere here, but they're more scattered in this new studio. So the production company, Audio Always, that make Help I Sit on My Bus also make Secret Run Club

as well, so we share studios and you'll often see weird things. Just the D in the corner. What I'm saying is you leave your shit everywhere. We do. Shall we talk about your Teletubby costumes that we found once? Ours is a little bit questionable though. I think I'd rather have bottles of alcohol everywhere than our Teletubby costumes. Those have never been released, though.

They've never seen the light of day. Them pictures have never seen the light of day. No, I was going to say, I don't think I've seen those. There was one of my stories for your birthday yesterday. Yeah. And then that was it. Jordan, you're closest to the D, so do you want to learn from this? Whilst I'm doing that, why don't you guys explain to our Gene Divas all about your brilliant podcast?

Okay, well, if you love poo and dildos then this is the podcast they already do i feel like there might be some crossover between yes our listeners yeah um lots of so we cover a lot there's bodily fluids bodily fluids there's it's a parenting podcast essentially yeah uh do you have to be a parent to listen no absolutely not and not even just mums we've got some daddies okay it's a parenting podcast essentially yeah uh do you have to be a parent to listen no absolutely not and not even just mums we've got some daddies okay so do we they don't have kids they have twinks yeah okay we're low on gin guys by the way carry on sorry i'll have a small um we have lots of things things, don't we? Yeah, we cover all sorts. We've got grandparents,

aunties, uncles, daddies, mummies, people with no babies at all. Aunties, uncles, yeah. We've got serious, silly, funny, some light-hearted stuff, a lot of sad stuff as well. Yeah, we do cover serious things. I feel like it's maybe not the time to say that as you're popping the Dubonnet. Yeah. But yeah,

we cover it all. We cover everything. Nothing's too outrageous yeah we thought we were outrageous but the listeners are absolutely disgusting they're well kinky ours they're filth they i've never touched a sex toy in my life and they're all over it they've got children find them and swinging them around yes yes we've had this they've taken them into schools yep yeah we've got scissors we had someone cutting that they used the scissors for their pubes and then the daughter took the scissors into school and then the teacher used the daughter's pubes so that's my brother once shaved his pubes into my pencil case nice but i was gonna say it's

not usually us that are rude it's usually listeners yeah say how have you not been like cancelled yet so it's not us no it's not us at all. Let me just read it. Yeah. I don't know. My daughter's a little bit wild. Now, how old are your children? So I have got three. Wow.

Colby, who's seven. I love that name. Dottie is five. And then Renly is four and a half. Four and a half months. Yeah. We had children at the same time. Yes.

So I've got Sadie, who's four and a half months. We've just met Sadie months she's here yeah she's um jordan's been having a enforced cuddle i never know whether people actually want to hold your baby or whether they know he did he did want to i want to talk about this like i'm so broody at the moment so just seeing little she's you're speaking to the wrong people though because we're we're done i'm definitely no well no our shop's shut is it yeah there's still one left in you there's still one left in you no you're gonna you're gonna do because we're done. Well, I'm definitely... No, well... No, our shop's shut. Is it? Yeah. There's still one left in you. There's still one left in you.

No, I've got... You're going to do it. Very uncomfortable. Everything's going to be fine. I truly, truly... We're the worst advocates for it, though. Well, I am, because I would... I'd have about 20 children,

I think. Would you? Yeah, I would. And your baby's very chilled. Renly's very chilled. Dottie, no. She is... She's a wild human. Yeah. She's a wild human yeah she's a wild one she's

out there with being one of the craziest people i've ever met in my whole entire life i feel like it's the way of saying because you were such an arsehole growing up here's here's one back yeah ten times worse yeah okay yeah so you were the arsehole i was the arsehole yeah and i'm one of three and i'm the youngest you're the youngest and i've I was the arsehole, yeah. And I'm one of three. And I'm the youngest. You're the youngest. And I've got a twin brother. But the other two were so easy for my mum and dad. And I was like, this is piss easy. I need to give them a bit of a challenge.

Yeah. So I did. That's come back round to bite me on the arse. Karma. Jordan has slid a G&D in your way. Let's have a go. We're quite far away from you. Forgive us for not passing to you. We're going to look really close on camera, though.

Pass it over. I've wondered for a year what this tastes like. Sip it. Sip it. It gets you giddy drunk. It gets going to look really close on camera, though. Pass it over. I've wondered for a year what this tastes like. Sip it. Sniff it first. It gets you giddy drunk. It gets you like a squiffy giddy drunk. We sometimes suggest serving it with a slice of lemon or orange. We don't have that today.

Orange would be nice. We're going raw. We've got picky bits, though. No garnishes today, but we have got a picnic. Did you sniff it first? What? Do you not cheers me? Cheers.

Cheers. Oh, no, no. Please don't clink. No, you shouldn't let them do it. Oh, no. I really wanted you to. He hates clinking. It's common. Thank you. Cheers. We, no, no, please don't clink. No, you shouldn't let them do it. Oh, no. I really wanted you to think. He hates clinking. It's common.

Thank you. We are common. No, tell them why you don't. No, why don't you? This is what you do now with Billie Eilish. Eilish. So, girls, if you've got your pinky out, it means you've got syphilis. What?

Historically. Historically. In the old days, the 18th century, is it? Rough, 1700s. In French high society, they would stick their pinky out when drinking tea because it gave other people the little wink and a nudge to say, I've got syphilis. Why would you want to let people know that you've got syphilis?

So they slept with each other because, you know, they were all... Because it's not polite to sleep with someone. I've got syphilis, don't drink my drink. That's what I'm going to say, I've got syphilis. Well, I think you can get it orally, but not in that way. Anyway, you're very good health. Secret mum club. Cheers. Can't help my sex with my drink. That's what I'm going to say. I've got syphilis. Well, I think you can get it orally, but not in that way. Anyway, you're very good health. Secret mum club. Cheers.

Can't help my sex with my boss. No clinking, no pinkies. Up yours. Syphilis. It's really strong, isn't it? It's really strong. Yum. That is so insanely strong, isn't it?

It is. That might have gone into it. To be fair, Jordan asked for extra gin halfway through i'm not sure did you put any gin in yours let me put a bit more d in and gone we need some d we have itchy legs as well our listeners have itchy leg time yeah you should know the the love making at home is itchy legs because there was once a listener wrote in didn't they to say that they had gone away and they were sleeping in a caravan yeah and the child had walked in on them while having these antics yes so they were like oh my goodness what

are you doing and the mum and dad instantly just went oh the dad wasn't it i'm itching mummy's legs yeah i'm just itching mummy's legs and it's still and he was like 23 now isn't he yeah the little boy was now grown up and he's now grown up and he comes up at Christmas time

and he says do you still have your itchy legs I still call it itchy legs not as often no probably not so it's itchy legs

yeah okay never again for me and you no we're fanciest scratch shall we explain our point of view yeah

yes will you tell yeah tell us a little us about yourselves? Tell us a little bit about yourselves. Okay, well we, since the start of 2018... The itchy leggers, that's what we should call you. Yes!

Sounds like we're all having sex though, all the time. The leg itches, yeah. So explain to the leg itches about how I sexed my boss. So since 2018, Jordan and I have come together, as it were, on a Tuesday and Friday to... It wasn't even meant to be a joke. I just heard it as I said it. And we solve listeners' everyday dilemmas. So the sort of etiquette rules that you don't find in traditional etiquette books.

So what to do if you do send a saucy message to your boss? It's not meant to be for your boss. It's meant to be for the person you're dating or your significant other. How do you deal with that situation or deal with it have you ever had that personally happen to you i'm self-employed so i would have to sex through your whole life though yes even when you were younger yes literally nobody has wanted to employ me it's not true i have. I can't say I have, actually. But we get loads of dilemmas. Like, probably our most famous one was a shoebox under the bed. The dildo.

I see the cloner Willie. I see cloner Willie behind you. Yeah. Is that the... Is that an actual thing you can... I don't know what it is. It's got a kit in there if you want to set it on. Well, it's got two things.

I don't have a Willie to clone. I don't have one. They're quite small pots, aren't they? I think it might be a prop. Right. Clone is pizza, Dick. Looks like a tennis ball tube. Glows in the dark as well. Wow. willie to clone i think i don't have one okay quite small pot i think it might be a prop right clone his pizza dick looks like a tennis shoe clothes in the dark as well wow just in case you need it in the dark what's your pizza dick oh dotty yeah dotty is referred just one night just was randomly chris was in the bath and dotty went in the bath and she just said you know your

willie looks like an old piece of pizza just Like, just all shriveled up. And he was like, I've never had a complex about my dick before in my entire life. And my daughter now thinks I have an old pizza dick. Wow. So, Chris, wherever we go, when listeners know, oh, how's the old pizza dick?

Poor Chris. I know, poor Chris. He really gets slagged on this podcast. Thin and crispy. Yeah, I was going toagged on this podcast. Thin and crispy. Yeah, I was going to say, maybe a bit thin and crispy. With a lovely dipping sauce. So we've had that,

but we always say when we get asked, we actually get like, what's some good examples of modern etiquette? Yes, so if you split up with someone, God forbid, and they're all over your Instagram, as is the modern way world yeah do you delete the photos yeah what do you do block i'm a straight blocker

yeah okay yes but the photos are still going to delete that show i don't want it in there okay yeah get that out you're trying to erase yeah erase it pretend it never happened yeah another good run if you split up with someone it's not all about breaks but if you split up with someone are you still all right to stay in touch with the in-laws yes would you stay in touch with it no no i don't talk to my in-laws now i'll just shift them out early dogs yeah we go i'm moving on in no but what's more awkward for me is do you know what i was actually stumbling across facebook and i i don't know why i was looking i wasn't really looking but it was on somebody else across facebook and i i don't know why i was looking

i wasn't really looking but it was on somebody else's facebook and they come up a memory and i went on to the ex-person and he still had my photos on his facebook is that weird that's really weird delete them off yeah he's married he's got children of his own now yeah now you've said it like that that's peculiar i still got all mine up there no yeah but we're still friends but you've only ever been with stefan you've never been with another man i had a boyfriend what is this new information yes new friend new information about stefan no i had a boyfriend before that yeah is he is he had anybody else he's had other girlfriends yeah what he never told me this. He told me you were sweethearts from day dot.

No, he never came up. She's lied. Sweat, that's the same story you've heard. You're funny. I'm actually quite funny.

I'm not going to name him. You're listening to the last ever episode of Secret Moms Club. So for the first half of the episode, we want to get you boys stuck into the world

of parenthood with some of our listeners' secrets. want to get you boys stuck into the world of parenthood with some of our listeners' secrets. How good are you boys with chats about bodily fluids? Depends which bodily fluids. Some are more our area of expertise than others. Are there... What? Are there a lot of, like, with having kids,

a lot of bodily fluids and stuff? Yeah, so nothing's out of bounds. Nothing is out of bounds. I'm so broody at the moment you won't be after this no this might go i don't know though i don't you know it depends if you're offended by it depends if you're bothered by it like are you bothered by poo wee blood inspecting a placenta mucus plug we put it this way, we were at Wimbledon recently and they were emptying the toilets and I was dry heaving.

A portilou is something completely different though too. As I said on air at the time, it was the best thing to come out of your mouth on Capital Breakfast since you joined so we were doing an insults game. Should we do that now then?

This one says, Hi, Safina and Emma and William and Jordan. My little girl was four months old when I braved the commute to London to show off the baby to work colleagues. I had prepared and pumped a bottle to give her while we were there. Needless to say,

my exclusively breastfed baby was having none of the bottle. On the train home, my boobs were rock solid and so sore, I couldn't wait to get home so I could feed her. But she didn't want to wait until we got home. So there, on a busy commuter train from London, sat at a table of four, I had to whop my tit out to try to feed her. Despite crying Bloody Mary for milk, she couldn't get latched and her head was bobbing on and off my boob.

Then, just as she was getting it, in the blink of an eye, she pulled off my tit and boom, I started squirting milk everywhere. Does that happen? Yeah. Flies out your tit like a rocket. Yeah. It's wild. Honestly, it's happened to me on this, on our record. Today, she just was a floating tit today.

Because Sadie just kept coming off the boob. Emma's just sat there with her whole nipple out. She gets distracted and just leaves my nipple hanging in midair. I just thought it like trickles out. No, some of them, when they get really, really congested. When they're really full. Yeah. And it rockets out. There should be a safety valve built in midair. I just thought it like trickles out. No, some of them, when they get really, really congested. When they're really full. Yeah. And it rockets out.

There should be a safety valve built in or something. There should. So that when they detach. Yeah. It just cuts off. It cuts off. Even these bodies are fascinating.

Wild. Carry on, sorry. The lady next to me had her newspaper sprayed with my breast milk. My partner, who was opposite me, got hit in the eye and the table was drenched.

I wanted to die. Eventually, I got her back on the boob and apologised profusely to the lady next to me. She carefully folded up her paper and used it to try to mop up the milk. Lots of love from Liz. Oh, God bless her. God bless the lady that cleared up. Yeah. It's like a water pistol.

Yeah. Like a super selfie. But imagine your boob just squirting milk across the table and soaking another lady's paper that's class I feel that's a very passive aggressive move

to like fold up the paper and try and well it's very British not really to make a scene yeah if you just squeezed your boob would a bit come out

yeah oh my god that's amazing go over behind that curtain could you squeeze could you squeeze it into a cup or something yeah you could people manually hand express hand express yeah Go over behind that curtain. Could you squeeze it into a cup or something?

Yeah. People manually pump. Hand express? Hand express, yeah. No, I'm serious. I think I might faint. How did I not know this? Yeah, people manually do it. And people do it at the end of pregnancy

to stimulate their boobs to bring on the labour. I think it would be a pump. I've seen my sister in law use a pump. You can have a manual pump, but you can my sister not yeah you can do them like you can have a manual pump but you can just hand it as well yeah and it gives you tips to like stroke it william you're gonna die there's like a yellow liquid that you can use no no no the first bit that comes out is like they call milk gold liquid gold it's liquid gold yeah it's the colostrum that comes out and it's really most vital important bit for the baby so you squeeze it out

before you even have the baby and you collect it in little syringes little tiny syringes and then you squirt it into their mouth little one mil syringe

you can freeze it all as well and then defrost it he's gone you can make lollipops out of it you can make milk baths you can put it in a bath

to heal baby's skin can normal people drink it or is it just babies oh Chris drank mine did he yeah pizza dick there are people that pay for it to heal baby's skin? Can normal people drink it or is it just babies? Oh, Chris drank mine. Did he? Yeah.

Pizza, Willie, Chris. Pizza dick. There are people that pay for it online. You can get wet nurses and you can have somebody else's breast milk to feed your baby. Golden milk.

Liquid gold. Liquid gold. It's like the gold top milk you get when you just have a pause. Do you need a moment? You've gone pale and he's got a lot

of makeup on. How rude. I think for some people it's like a fetish though yeah they can to like drink breast milk drink yeah drink another one to sell it truly but they're like what are they called wet nurses yeah yeah wet nurse but when we were in hospital when i was in hospital with renly there was a lady opposite me and she was because i had renly early he was a premmy baby and the lady opposite me had a premmy baby she literally was just filling up all day she just sat on the pumps all day she was just filling bottle after bottle for the neonatal unit downstairs and her baby was down on the ward on the neonatal unit her other son was at home but because she'd had such a traumatic birth and had to be in with her little one she was just filling up bottle after bottle to give it to all the neonatal babies that's so kind isn't it she

was a wonderful wonderful woman i find it so fascinating me that is amazing i think william's checked out yeah do you want to move on i'm rerunning episodes of downton abbey at my head just to try and get back to your safe space normal when when you got milk there when you breastfeed are they quite tender yeah really sore are they really sore they feel like they're gonna explode like i can imagine if you don't have sex for a long time boys get backed up yeah yeah yeah do boys get backed up yeah not like when you bought yeah they're really heavy and they feel like they're going to explode. A bit of personal...

During, like, special time, is it like an old girl? Itchy leg time. Well, no one has sex after having a baby, so it's fine. I have a baby. I have a baby.

It's just fascinating. But they could go at any moment. They could go at any time. Do you have another secret for us? Yes. Are you ready? It's another milk one. Oh, good.

I'm not really a boob man, even. Get St. John's ambulance and stand by. All right, this one says, Hello, ladies and gents. My three-year-old son, Ralph, was looking forward to his cousin's birthday party. All week, he had been pestering me to get some balloons as he was adamant they would be needed

to be allowed into the party. When it finally got to the day before my nephew's birthday, Ralph was asking me where I had put the balloons. Thinking on my feet, I told him I had hidden one around the house to keep him quiet. Luckily, it was successful as he stopped bothering me for hours. However, he eventually came running down the stairs exclaiming, I found one, mummy. I think we know where this is going.

Oh God, is it? I was slightly confused as I hadn't bought any. Oh God. So when I asked to see his balloon, he pulled it out from his pocket and said, I found it under Mummy and Daddy's bed. Absolutely horrified. I told him that balloon. Oh, please don't tell me it's used.

I told him that balloon had already been used. I needed to go into the bin. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. All our love, Hannah, Jonathan, Ralph and Maya. Throw your used ones away, Hannah. Yes. Disgusting. I think that is the lesson here

that's the etiquette rule yeah immediately yeah don't but it's the same as with anything like in the kitchen you tidy as you go

or you should do I think that's the best way I think you should too same in the bedroom yeah I just hope he didn't put it in his mouth and try and blow it up oh

well done well done well searched I wanted Ralph for a boy if Sadie was a boy i really liked ralph yeah would you say ralph or rafe different names i think two different names yeah they are yeah yeah they are it can be but look at ray finds the actor that one always confuses me i would go ralph because i'm not posh yeah oh yeah i'm not posh i'd go ralph yeah i do think

you would spend most of your life going, Ralph. Like, when people go, Oh, hi, Ralph. Yeah, it's Ralph. How annoying is that? It's like mine, when people go, Oh, Sofiana.

No, it's Safina. Yeah. Safina. Or people go, Sophie. No, it's not Sophie. It's a name of its own. In its own right. Safina or Sophie.

Yeah. I get a lot of Sophies. Yeah. I'm excited for the next one. Okay, are you ready? The last listener secret has come in as a voice note. So let's give it a listen. Hello, Soph and Emma.

I've got a secret about William you might enjoy. When William went to Manchester University, he wasn't your usual student. He didn't wear T-shirts and jeans and absolutely never hoodies. Instead, he went with a wardrobe of clothes which included formal shirts, chinos, wool jumpers and jackets. He bought me all of these. On our first visit to see him, we were staying in a hotel and I managed to persuade his father that it would be kind if we were to suggest that the hotel did some of William's laundry. William gladly took us up on the offer. The laundry cost suggest that the hotel did some of william's laundry william gladly took us

up on the offer the laundry costs more than the hotel room it's nice to hear her sober that's the first that's the first time we have actually heard william's mom on the podcast the moment she said hello whatever the first i do an impression of her every week so that's actually what she sounds like my impression isn't that far off let's hear it let's hear it i was going to say where is the impression go on do that do that voice notice as your version hello darlings it's mummy here so i started when william was a child i was very pissed i can't remember much of. I left it all to the nanny darlings. Where's she from? Does she listen to your podcast?

No. Oh, thank God. They have absolutely no concept of what a podcast is. Every time I tell her, you know, I'll go, oh, you know, we sold out the London Paladin, whatever she went. But just who are all these people that want to come and watch it? There's no concept. No understanding.

Did you know she knew how to do a voice note? Absolutely not. No. I'm surprised. I'm surprised at the end of that because normally when she voice notes us she thinks she's dictating

so she'll end it with XX. So I'm surprised you didn't get an XX. They ring him up at like 11 o'clock at night asking him how to turn the telly over and stuff.

Yes, their DVD player went into Russian for some bizarre reason. They still watch DVDs? And I had to sit there for a good half an hour trying to understand what Russian was to get it back into English. And you imply that she's normally pissed? Is she?

In Jordan's head. Oh, right. Not in... Okay. Shampoo. Shampoo all around, darling. Before Jordan actually met my mother... Sorry, that crept up on me.

I'm so sorry. What happened? I didn't feel it coming. I'm so sorry. Is it the milk? Oh, it's in my eye. I've got baby in no more. She's not resting oh it's in my eye i've got bright red have you it's fine we're very open-minded and liberal no i'm not please don't be embarrassed i'm not milking i just sneezed oh right my boobs are dried up oh okay i thought you said Emma's is still alive. You said it's just happened. Yeah, I sneezed. She's milked. No, no. It doesn't just come out

like an express cup. Like, here you go. I've milked. Oh my gosh. She's milked herself. No. Yeah, I'll put some in my brew. I'm not that big.

No. Should we get back to the subject of Sarah's message? Yes. You at university. Yes. So I, for the first year of my university,

I was in halls of residence. Yes. Which was an experience because I didn't get the halls of residence and didn't get any of the three options I had actually put down. I got completely the opposite. The quote unquote heart of student life, as the brochure said. And it was like a laundrette sort of situation to wash your clothes. Yeah.

And I had cashmere. And that's not going anywhere near a university of manchester laundrette thank you very much and they literally came up a month in and because being a homosexual i have a lot of clothes i had managed to do a whole month without doing any washing because yeah i was just wearing all my wardrobe and so um when we when they checked into the lowry hotel i um brought my washing I'd actually forgotten that story and did all my washing and had a very nice night's stay.

How did that do with your cashmere? Yeah, I was going to say, did it literally shrink enough? Yeah, beautifully. It did not pill, let me tell you. Did you ever buy a University of Manchester hoodie? No. Like, no?

You never had one? No. Oh, that's like a rite of passage, I feel like. Yeah, I've still got my Sunderland one. Do you? Yeah, no. I just never went to university. I've got Cardiff hoodie, yeah. I feel like you have to. Card Sunderland one do you yeah no I just never went to university I've got Cardiff

I do yeah I feel like you have to Cardiff is that where you met Stefan it is I feel like you were disparaging

what I'm from Bristol so Cardiff is sort of you know kind of neighbouring the next biggest metropolis yeah yeah

okay Cardiff is a bad place for me because it's where I saw at the end of the 2015 tour of Mary Poppins it was the last time i had seen mary poppins which is my favorite musical and she didn't she didn't she

didn't fly there was a problem with the mechanics and i thought this was the last time i was ever going to see it and it was then going on to geneva to do some shows in geneva and i was looking on ba for tickets to geneva so you could see her fly i cannot for time. Not see her fly. Which was only time 12 at the time. We're up to time 40. So you'd seen it, you'd seen it before, 13 times. Yes.

But on the last one, she didn't fly. She didn't fly. And I thought, that can't be my last memory. I bet you were livid. Absolutely livid. I didn't talk to Mikey.

Did you get a BA flight out to Geneva? No. Mikey said, it will come back. And to be fair, it did. And I've subsequently seen it

up to 40 times. You're going to hate my husband. He's never seen the film. You don't watch Fuck All on the telly. I've seen fucking Mary Poppins. You're going to hate my husband. He's never seen the film. You don't watch fuck all on the telly. I've seen fucking Mary Poppins. She doesn't watch anything. She doesn't watch normal television. She watches MILFs. That's BS. I don't watch films. You watch MILFs?

Maths. Same thing. MILFs. Something about these mental people that marry each other. Oh, there's a British version coming out. Oh, she watches that, but she doesn't watch anything else. Maths. I thought it was MILFs. Yeah. Right. Emma doesn't watch films else oh marriage at first sight maths I thought it was mills yeah right

but Emma doesn't watch films we'll come round we'll have Mary Poppins night yeah because I don't know

what you're thinking he took me and then I took my nephews I've seen it twice and they were good a bit bored

it's great it's a great production it's coming back on tour what's your favourite song from the soundtrack from film or musical consider yourself musical that's Fli What's your favourite song from the soundtrack? From film or musical? Consider yourself. Musical.

That's Flippin' Oliver. Consider yourself. From the film? That's coming back. From the film. I'd like to see that. Feed the Birds. The film version is amazing.

A tuppence. Don't. That one? Yes, tuppence a bag. Tuppence a bag. And then, which was slightly ruined when somebody once told me they called their front bottom tuppence, which was odd. That's quite common, yeahppets, which was odd.

No, that's normal. Practically perfect from the musical. Lovely. Yeah. Lovely. Do you have a favourite? Let's Go Fly a Kite. What, the one at the end?

Yeah. Yeah. Let's go fly a kite. Is that a bad choice? No, it's quite happy. Yeah. But it's always sad for me because it's the end of the film. Oh, right.

Okay. I thought we were all on Super Casual Fragilistic. It's a bit quite happy. Yeah. But it's always sad for me because it's the end of the film. Oh, right. Okay. I thought we were all on supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Yeah. Even though you'll think of it as something kind of treacherous. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I see a musical collaboration

in the making. Yeah. Right, I know you want to take your long to go into poppy. Shall we go to a quick break and then we'll read out some Help I Sexed My Boss questions and dialogue.

Let's do that. Welcome back, everybody, from G&Divas to the Leg Itchers. It's time for the Secret Mum Club to experience Sexted with questions and dilemmas from RG and Divas. Are you both ready for this? I'm nervous. I'm nervous, yeah. Now, we don't know, normally on our podcast and also this afternoon, on this episode, we don't know what's coming up. Do you know?

No, no. As well. And I can't read quick enough, so I just listen to it. I don't read. No, I don't. Emma does that bit. We'll start with this letter from lauren hello everyone i've been trying a new hairdresser and have visited them twice so far they've done a great job so i went there again for my latest appointment when i walked in and said hi nice to meet you and i had to pretend for a whole appointment that this was also my first time meeting her i didn't want to embarrass her by saying that i had been there

twice before so i just played along what is the etiquette when your hairdresser or someone similar forgets they've met you before should you play along or correct them i get this all the time because i think i've got a generic face oh you don't so people forget they've met me and i always call it out okay yeah yeah okay so oh hello how'd you do yeah i'm william yeah i go we've met before that's so good is that bad no that's so good i i'm the other way i genuinely think i've got face blindness okay i genuinely emily nate listers i need to speak to her about it i tell you what you i've noticed what jordan will do particularly at stage door when if we're signing things he'll say to literally everybody because you've obviously read in Dale Carnegie you've read that you say to people oh

I love we met before because then if you actually have and they go yes they're like oh my god he remembers yeah and every time on our last tour he said that to people they went no yeah every time without fail and he was just standing there going oh have, have we met before? It's a good tactic. Yes, you do. Hi, I'm Jordan. They go, I know you are. I'm like, we've met before, haven't we? And they all go, no. Don't give away my secret.

Shit house. So you'd call it out. I'm terrible with faces and names. William. Yeah. I would just go with it. Would you? If they just, yeah, I wouldn't want to embarrass them. To me, personally, I feel like I'd make them uncomfortable. I'd go with it. Would you? If they just, yeah, I wouldn't want to embarrass them.

To me, personally, I feel like I'd make them uncomfortable. I'd go with it. I'd go with it. I'd just roll with it. Also, surely it's hairdressers. I mean, I assume, I don't know what sort of antiquated system they're using at this particular hairdresser's, but surely on a booking system, if you use the same email or phone number, it should flag up that you are a return customer. But they see a lot of people as well.

So I feel like you could forgive them for that. They get asked the same people as well. Yeah. So I feel like you can forgive them for that. They get asked the same questions every day. Yeah. Also, I don't want any familiarity with my hairdresser because the small talk is my worst nightmare.

So I want to be a stranger so that we don't talk. Do you just change hairdressers each time? I don't have any loyalty to anyone because I don't want to talk to them.

Other than Stefan, hopefully. Yes. Apart from my husband. But apart from that. Okay. That's your limit, Max. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't say call it out particularly, but maybe later on in the haircut as it progresses yeah you might

say something like to not make them feel bad or could you bring up something that you've previously spoken about oh you know last time i was here and you said yeah that's nice i think because i'd maybe try and do that or just say oh how's the children oh no or you could say last time I was in he was telling me about yeah the children's sports day yeah yeah oh god you have to talk

about stuff like that with your parents yeah don't have kids it's well boring give it a fucking hell I actually really enjoy it

I enjoy that shit I don't really I don't really like too many other parents like football parents are wild I'm in a whole new world of football at the moment

and football parents are the worst intense yeah they're too much more competitive than the kids see I say I'm broody but I would miss

my bliss hour you wouldn't have a bliss hour until they're 18 tell us about bliss hour so it's my bliss hour William thinks he's excuse me

that's a nice way of putting it so it's right lucky to last an hour and he went he took me out and went oh my bliss hour it so it's right lucky to last an hour and he went he told me oh my bliss hour it's dead camp

I've literally had truckers and taxi drivers whatever gets you through it come up to me so the bliss hour is

it's the most relatable bit of content I think I've ever done right what and the men do stuff she gives you a rough idea so it's basically

you I've mentioned it on the radio and I've mentioned it on the podcast it's like you've done a shift at work especially if you do early like me and you get home and you've got the house to yourself your other house not here no kids stuff like that and you get home

you've just got an hour to yourself you make a big mug of tea slice of toast and just watch shit telly i do it and it's i i miss that for the bliss hour but you won't get that i have a bliss hour every morning I wake up an hour before sometimes an hour and a half before everybody else and I do my washing

I have a cup of tea I chat on my Instagram you have to get that you have to get up at 5am it's worth it I agree it makes me feel so good and I can get a wash on

and out on the line by 7am I'm winning at life the children wake up and they've got the best version of me honestly I'm a jolly old oh. I'm a jolly old...

Well, I'm a jolly rancher anyway, to be honest. What's a jolly rancher? If you go to a local ranch and you see... They're always jolly on a ranch. You know, the men that do the horsies. You know? I'll take your word for it. You've never been on a ranch?

I feel like when you go on a ranch, everyone's so happy aren't they what in america you can watch them on the telly there was a crazy one on the telly the other day i wouldn't recommend that one they didn't seem but generally they're yeah generally happy on around we'll crash on this one is from ailey dear william jordan safina and emma i am a scotch writing to you from sunny australia with a with a wee query that I would love your input on. I was seeing a young man romantically who also happened to be Scottish for a short

period of time. What? Oh, I see. Who also happened to be Scottish for a short period of time. She was seeing... He didn't change nationality. He repatriated. I really enjoyed his company and we had a lot of fun together. However, we decided that it was best

to leave things and not to continue on a romantic path I would like to continue being friends and meet up with him for a wee pint or two though you never know

they're Scottish I am concerned that he will think this is a ploy to woo him which it most certainly is not it was just really lovely

spending some time with someone from home who made Scotland seem that wee bit closer what is the best way we get it you Scottish? Yeah. to have this conversation?

Oh. Avoid it all, of course. I don't think you can. You can't. No. Yes, you can. No, you cannot. You can't be friends.

No, you can't be friends. I'm just going to defend you here and say, yeah, can you not? No. I was going to say, I'd love to go off a pipe, but purely just as friends. If the terms were made

on the man's behalf and it was the woman receiving the fact that she was is it a woman and a man well it's aly and a man she said a young young man so it's a woman and a man so if it was the other way around i think and it was him saying i'd like to be friends can we stay in touch i think the woman wouldn't see anything in it but for her to say can we just be friends and then she invites him out for a drink he's gonna be like yeah i think he's back in there yeah yeah wow uh maybe maybe we need to change to brunch yeah i don't think a man really gives a shit do they they just think if they're gonna get it i think that on behalf of men i think that's i think that's unfair i think yeah i think

i don't think all men are completely one well no not all men and some women are would be down for that completely in most scenarios i think you've got to be clear communication we say constantly communication is key yeah i think if you leave it a little bit and then say look it was and be honest just be honest you have to keep remind yeah you'd have to keep just alliterating i'm feeling a bit homesick it was really love although you know obviously didn't work out for us romantically but i really love talking about deep pride mars bars and things like that you make it really lovely yeah yes it might be different if you're two two we scots on the other side of the world you might find more of a kinship yes together where are they living australia oh yeah so it might be different but i would say think he was back in there if you get back in touch yeah you might be right because it's how it goes you know he might just be a really lovely

person yeah he might take it really really well but you need to just communicate yeah communication is key this last one is from kirsten hello everyone my partner and i have an agreement he does the majority of the cleaning and I do the majority of the cooking. But on the occasion he cooks, he always gives me an unrelenting debrief and review about the meal. That's producer Ben in the background, if anyone can actually hear that. She's so sweet. I'm so baby. Do I need to rescue the baby or is she all right? OK.

I get a full retelling of the cooking process as well as a commentary on how great it tastes and how he has to put his own twist on the recipe he then proceeds to tell anyone and their dog about the meal he cooked and how amazing it was it's gotten to the stage that i forewarn people in advance when they come to dinner that they will have to endure this frankly it's become a complete ick and now i actively do all i can to avoid him cooking which is a shame because i think i'd enjoy the meal a lot more if he would just shut up and eat it. Do I mention it to him or just grin and bear it? Mention it?

Yeah. I don't know if you're picking up that I'm the kind of call it out kind of person. You are a call it out kind of person. Oh, can we bring Sadie over? Oh, bless her. Sadie baby. Welcome to the morning with a baby. She's very cute. I can't cope with this. And she's four months? Oh, bless her. Sadie baby. Welcome to recording with a baby. She's very cute.

I can't cope with this. And she's four months? She's four months, and I might be about to get... She's an absolute sweetheart. Well, please can I say, can you just point in a different direction in case anything happens? She's such a little... Oh, I'm so rude. Oh.

She does look like Stefan, now you've said it. No, those poor ears. Oh, look. Those big ears. so you would just call it out I think call it out yeah especially if it's your

there's nothing I love more than slagging off my husband I think if it's your partner definitely yeah I agree with your partner stuff like that

you've got a there's no nice way around it you know when you cook sometimes you know when you're cooking I would though say do it

not in front of other people. I would say don't say it in front of the guests. Oh, see, I wouldn't say anything. I'd just let him be, because he's happy. Are you feeling all right now? What? Because the baby's being breastfed. Are you feeling faint?

It's been my life's work avoiding breasts, if I'm honest. The most natural thing the Guinness World Record holder nearly should I get a veil no no no no absolutely not

don't be daft just pretend like it's not happening okay no no I can assure you I am you're really in the line of fire though I know

that's why I'm nervous direct I'm going to make William look me in the eye while I've got my nipples out yeah just right at him I would say don't William look me in the eye while I've got my nipples out. Yeah, just stare right at him. I would say don't call him out

in front of your guests. No, no, no. Oh, that's a great one, but I've just thought that question we had from the other week. I'm for it. The thank you,

sorry, ADHD. You've just reminded me now you're breastfeeding. What was that question? Was it about boobs? Yeah, so a G and Diva was at a party with the kids and she was breastfeeding

and didn't know whether to go up and approach and say thank you for having us over. And I was like, surely you could go up to someone just because they're breastfeeding. Yeah. Yeah? You just have to treat them as normal as possible.

Exactly. It's the most normal thing in the whole entire world. I think the question there was about someone that they hadn't, it wasn't the host, they're friends. I think you're making, if you make a situation when someone's breastfeeding,

it then makes the person breastfeeding feel uncomfortable. If you just talk to them normally, you can't see anything. It's very discreet. They're not doing any harm to anybody. You know, I just, yeah, would approach. People definitely do look at your tits though when you're like feeding in public.

I was looking at Sadie's beautiful face. I don't look at your boob. I think people are after men mostly. I'm throwing men under the bus. Not all men. Not all men, but always men. No, really? You know?

Lesbians? No. Hard to tell. I don't know. I don't know if lesbians would look at a boob. No. Because it's the same body as theirs they've got their own yeah that's true it's different yeah that's true um anyway dinner straight men yeah straight

straight men sorry straight men dinner yeah i would i yeah i do say it's that classic thing about barbecuing isn't it yeah the man will have to sort of constantly talk about it and spends forever and it really is a very primitive, very basic form of cookery. There's nothing particularly special about barbecuing. I don't like barbecues generally. So I feel, yes, I am on this. I'm on Kirsten's side. It's very irritating.

I would just use humour with it. Yes. All right, Ramsey, wind your neck in. Yeah. We get it. You. All right, Ramsey, wind your neck in. Yeah. We get it. You cooked a good dinner. Men do, not to man bash,

but men do like to shout away from the rooftops when they do something, though, don't they? It's like my husband wants a medal for hanging the washing out. And I'm like,

I literally do that all the time. Yeah. Maybe you just tell him then. You've done it. Oh, I have. Yes. That's a good idea.

I do think they're the best cooks. I stand by this, or best cookery celebrity chefs in that era, are women and gay men. Because I think men, Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Oliver, etc., they get competitive with cookery, which is what Kirsten's letter is all about. Nigel Slater, just put a nice meal on the table.

He's got a lovely Instagram page. He does. Yeah, beautiful house. Who was the man you was eyeing up the other day on the Instagram? Oh's got a lovely Instagram page. He does. Yeah, beautiful house. Yes. Who was the man you was eyeing up the other day on the Instagram? Oh, um,

Simon Reeve from the travel shows. Okay, no, I don't know. Is he the one who... Yeah. My guilty crush. Who's her, yeah,

guilty crush? Guilty crush. Who's your guilty crush? Who did you say? Oh, it's got to be Tom Hardy when he's doing CBeebies as well.

That's not guilty. That is guilty. Can we talk about that? Why do all the mums love that CBeebies show? Because they get Tom Hardy. Because to be Tom Hardy when he's doing CBeebies as well. That's not guilty. That is guilty. Can we talk about that? Why do all the mums love that CBeebies show? Because they get Tom Hardy to read it. Because we get Tom Hardy at bedtime. And Harry... Hello!

Hiya! Hiya! And Harry Styles. Oh, no, no. I'm not a Harry Styles fan. No. I feel like I'm a bit old for Harry. Look at her.

Me neither. Do you want to read the end bit? Oh, I've done... No, no. I was talking to save it. I was going to say, how much can I use it? Do you want to read the end bit? Oh, I've done... No, no, I was talking to say that. No, I was going to say, how much do you know? Do you want to get on with it? I genuinely follow the speed.

No, it's our bit anyway, so it's fine. I've dropped my iPad. Well, there you have it. The Secret Mum Club and the Sexed Worlds have officially collided. I've never said this to a woman before, but how was it for you? It was great. It was a little bit nerve-wracking, though, wasn't it? I was nervous.'t there i was nervous

because like this isn't my job well it is my job but it's like this is all this has always been your world you're a professional podcaster i wasn't though you are now what did you do before i've done a lot of things in my life um i did social media that's how i got the podcast led for my social media but i'm a qualified electrician that's what i did when i left school get away it's amazing she's very handy i'm super i love i'm a bit of the lady man of the house so i do all like the diy at home and stuff like that chris is at home looking after the baby doing the school run he's like a new aged man that's amazing he's loving life honestly yeah some Some of the time of his life.

He's hanging on your every word. I love you so much. She's mesmerised. She's so cute. That's the cutest baby. I loved it. How was it for you?

Yeah, I loved it. It was great. I learnt so much. I nearly fainted. I've never nearly fainted during a podcast. Yes. That's what we're talking about.

A lot of boobs, a lot of body fluids, a lot of poo. Little boobies. That's us. But it's been marvellous it's been fantastic thank you for coming in

this is your home as well no thank you for having us thank you so much for joining us and letting us help you G&D-ers too and we'll see you next time on the

Secret Mum Club should we do it on the YouTube yeah that's great ready it drives Adam mad when we're in unison on the headphones

he literally cringes so bad take your headphones off it's going to be loud. And we'll see you next time on the... Secret Mum Club! Bye.