Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - I Was Just Scratching Mummy’s Legs!

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

It’s been a good week in the Secret Mum Club despite Sophiena battling with the carpets in her house, and Emma recovering from a big night out. To help keep the hangover at bay, the ladies discuss the age-old question of how old is too old for the children to bathe together and we hear secrets from parents about a harmless school gate group gossip turning sour; when getting freaky between the sheets doesn’t go to plan; and an unfortunate self-tanning incident! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And we're here for all the mums out there. This is a safe space to share your secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? We do. And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You don't. You can keep that to yourself. You can be anonymous. And those secrets can be anything to do with being a mum all secrets are welcome in the secret mum club nailed it how's your week been so it's been it's been okay yeah it's been quite a plodding week yeah we've had the lead up for the school holidays so we've just been getting everything ready for the carnage that's going to go down.

Because I feel like, did I say the six weeks holiday? The school holiday. But I can't keep up. I don't know. Like, because I haven't got a child in school. They have a lot of holidays. They seem to always be off. Yeah.

But I feel like you, like a lot of parents dread it. But I feel like you're always just like, you're sad when they go back. So sad. You love it, don't you? I'm a crier. Yeah. I was talking about this the other day on my Instagram. And I was like, there is mums.

There's two different mums. There's the mums that really love it and love it when the babies go back. And then you get the ones that hate it. I'm going to be in the first camp. And there is no in between. You're either one. And it causes diversity in the camp. Really causes oh god and you'll get the ones that are like oh my god why are you crying i've never been so happy that they're going back to school and

then you get the others that are like my heart is broken that's me i feel like i'll be in the first camp and i can't wait to get them out the house but equally both are just as as valid yeah of course i mean they have to go to school they they don't have to do them out of the house. But equally, both are just as valid. Yeah, of course. I mean, they have to go to school. They don't have to, do they? Well, they could be homeschooled. But I don't think I'm mentally prepared for that. No. I didn't have an education myself,

so I feel like a bit hypocritical to try and educate my children when I'm thick as shit. Yeah. You know? Seems like they're not going to have the best start in life if it's down to it. Yeah. Like, there's so much I can teach them.

Not square root of the sun. Yeah. I've got no idea. No, I don't know. People that had to do homeschooling during lockdown, I'm like, what the... I was not, I didn't do it. Hell. They were like, oh, you haven't logged in this week.

I was like, oh, sorry, we broke the laptop. The Wi-Fi's down. But we've been watching Netflix. We're doing our two walks a day two walks for 10 hours so no it was just but yeah that was my my week is basically just builders so you still got stuff going on i did i have i have got somewhere though i've been having a bit of a dilemma with carpet right with your rugs uh yeah shag pile excuse me tough crowd is this the room i'm here all week

i was gonna wear carpets so i've got the middle of the stairs done but the top and the bottom the angles are fucked oh i just can't do anything with them. And I've got to order a whole nother 26 foot carpet for four stairs. Oh, you're joking. And when I phoned a carpet man for some advice, he went, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can't do it. He phoned me back three minutes later just to laugh at me at the fact that I was trying to still make this thing happen. And he was like, I just thought I'd call back because I thought it was a joke. No, no, David, it's serious.

No, you're not being pranked. No. This isn't punked. There's no Ashton kutcher would be a hilarious joke would be so funny such a funny carpet so the carpet is is the situation so it's incomplete at the moment but the middle looks great right yeah so we've had builders in and out been doing that we obviously had the the book didn't we we finished our week with the book what was the book, didn't we? We finished our week with the book. What was the book? The behavioral book. Oh, Colby. How's it getting on?

Well, we had a ton of events. There was a certain situation that was happening in the classroom. We were getting put on this thinking cloud by one teacher. The teacher was a student teacher who's now not there. And we ended the week on a head teacher's award. So, you know, when you're like was was there something i just don't think he was very happy with the change of teacher situation right they really struggle with children in school get really used to the same thing every single day they love the routine well colby especially loves the routine

of having the same teacher every single day. So when there's someone like a university student that comes in or a supply teacher or someone on placement, they weren't going to be there for very long. He really struggles with that. Right. And I think that just, that contributed it. But we ended the week on a Headteachers Award. Amazing.

So I was absolutely buzzing. Wow, what a turnaround. So it was a pretty mediocre week. Lovely. What about yours? I have had quite a busy one actually i've had a couple of like big events in the diary a couple of parties i've been doing a lot of traveling up and down i spent a lot of time on the m1 nice how was that for you and not that fun

anything happening on the m1 uh not a lot no just spent a lot of uh probably several hours just uh scouting out the best service station on the m1 that's a really fun game yeah for the record uh a1m peterborough where we stopped nice amazing for parents it's got a whole kids play park stop it it's got a mcdonald's and a kfc what more could you want i'm making a disclaimer if it's busy on saturday it's your fault yeah secrets out all these families gone for a day out of the services services honestly i would go there just for that it was fantastic um but no the thing that i'm really kind of struggling to recover from is a big night out in uh went to derby for our friend's engagement party and we didn't have the baby with us for this one,

which is only like our second night away from him. I think both of us together, grandparents were looking after Joseph. And yeah, I don't know who the hell we think we are, but we stayed out until half past two in the morning. Free-living your youth. Honestly, the moment just really took me. It was a really nice sunny day.

Do you find the hours go so much faster like when you're together and you're just having new time and you don't have the baby yeah like do you feel like the time just goes really fast yeah the time flies when you're having fun right so we we just i yeah i don't know what happened it was really sunny the drink just hits different when it flows when it's sunny and yeah, we ended up in a revolution to Cuba until 2.30 in the morning. Felt like I was 21 again. Who are you?

Who am I? Honestly, we shouldn't have done it though because I feel absolutely bushed. I'm still recovering. I would have been in a bush. I might have been at some point. I can't remember. I can't remember.

The tequila shots came out it was uh it was a wild ride i love that though i love that i think you've got to do it every now and then and let loose haven't you because i was ready to go home to bed at like 10 o'clock and i just thought no come on you're here now you can't pull yourself early on an event like that everyone else is up for it you've just gotta suck it up you've just gotta suck it up get that tequila in your eyeball and um and just let loose and have a good time and just become eyeball pop so we did yeah yes i felt the worst for wear in the morning i was gonna say how are you with the hangover and joseph i was more tired than hungover stefan on the other hand he relished in the opportunity he

hit it pretty hard um so then it was like a four-hour journey on the motorway straight back to a baby wow full-on yes it was a full-on really full-on day um and then uh got up at half past four in the morning for work and i just feel delirious to be honest with you you're looking great thank you honestly you look tremendous I'm here now and we made it you just gotta keep going I've got in the words of Dory just keep swimming oh what just which Dory are you watching take two in the words of Dory just keep swimming myself and Emma really want to hear from you. Yeah, we want you to join us

in the Secret Mum Club. You're all welcome. And you can share all your secrets with us. Please do. The email is hello at secretmumpod.com or you can find us

on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod. And we want to hear all the secrets, all the gory details. We do. Anything from serious to silly,

you can stay totally anonymous. Because between us, we've probably heard it all before. And remember, we're all in this together and we know that we are. We're all stars

and we see that we're all in this. That's it, I'm out. Each week, we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the Secret Mum Club.ma's just wetting herself over here please don't mind her here's my secret of the week emma are you ready for this whenever

not wetting buckle up go hit me hit me bath drama okay it's not so much well it is a secret i feel like it's a topic that i always say this it's not something that anybody ever talks about but this one this one is up there with being the worst thing in the whole entire world what is it one children in the bath there has to be a cap on the cap on age yeah like when they can share bedrooms there has to be a reason that this stops yeah again i don't know the age and when when this stops but i feel like it comes really organically and the organic moment is when they start playing with each other's pieces bits no it's the awful it's the awful conversation when you're in the kitchen and they're talking and colby's like oh look at

my am i allowed to say it what does he call it willie oh yeah yeah but he also does shout free willie in the bar and starts splashing around um but it's when he's like yeah you can pull it look i can pull it you can pull it too and you're i've never dropped a frying pan of stir-fried noodles so fast i come out it was carnage i dropped the frying pan the dogs were eating boiling hot scorching noodles off the kitchen floor i'm running into the bathroom for them to stop playing with their bits while chris is out mowing the lawn god knows what neighbors heard us oh christ carnage so it's official it's official that it's time to stop bathing no one puts it in a book you just your children will give you the signs the the alert yeah alert alert we stop bath time together i thought it was like

seven so we we are you're there we're there basically but the fear that runs through your body is astronomical and i just think if i had a camera in my house look i'd watch it what tune in grab your popcorn i'm there anyone wants to make a documentary of safe and her family please get in touch hook us up at the secret mom it's hello at secret mom pod.com let us know the offers will come flooding in could you imagine so entertaining i just think i'd be so boring to watch no you wouldn't that moment was horrific would you want that all over the all over wow i pretty much shared it with the world now look i feel like it'd be interesting for people to know because i think a lot of people must go through that with their kids i know friends of mine have said to me like especially uh parents of like boys and girls yeah

have been like when do i stop bathing them together yeah let them get naked in front of each other because it's a hard thing you want them to learn like appropriate boundaries yeah also don't want to them to be grow up too quickly because you still want them to be free and comfortable in their own skin yeah but it also we're having to talk a lot about respecting each other's bodies yeah because that is it's a lot and it's it is full-on and they're even though they're both very comfortable in each other colby is getting to the point where he's like no i'll go get changed in my room i don't want to get changed yeah because obviously we live in a bungalow we they just get changed and everybody just walks around quite freely yeah not you know

it's not an issue which i know people don't don't like it obviously i keep myself and chris does but the babies you know they go in and out of the paddling pool in the garden in the summertime and stuff yeah i want them to feel free but it is a it's a hard time yeah that's tough and you've got to change as parents as to also being respectful of them wanting the decision for you to respect their body for them to not want to be getting changed around you and it's strange because it's kind of that little bit of letting go letting go and like you know like it's a real sign that they're growing up yeah isn't it yeah like if we go like toilet if we go out they both they want to go in their own toilet. And they shut the door.

They don't want me coming in with them. They just say, no, it's fine. You can wait out. You can wait outside. I'm actually quite excited for the time when I don't have to massage Joseph's back

when he has a poo. So I'm actually looking forward to that. I would like Joseph to never stop needing a massage when he needs to. Can you imagine? I'm just at the local shopping centre. I'm stuck in the toilet any chance you could just come in monkey pop round really having trouble this one out

bring some prune juice on the way because i'm really really struggling with this one oh bless him so no it's yeah it's a difficult time i think it's like things silly things is like when you have a baby i don't know if you experienced it as well with joseph is that no one tells you about boys private parts no and i grew up in a house full of girls yeah so like i yeah being a boy mom it's like a whole new world to learn about yeah because and as well i was speaking to my friend the other day of how much of a shock it was that the babies have lots of blood rush to that area yeah and obviously the first time it happens you're like what the hell like this is so scary it kind of freaks you out you do feel freaked out and you feel a little bit like oh my god this is bad yeah

but it shouldn't be because obviously it's a natural thing and it's just their organs all working but the connotations are so bad so bad you're just like i didn't know what to do no i didn't know and i was at home on my own were you on your own yeah i'm yeah yeah it's often well you're always on your own me on my own with the baby i've had absent husband uh but he doesn't like it even when i tell him about it afterwards i'll be like oh we had a thing this morning he's like oh no no no no no like even that he just doesn't want to hear about it, which is, you know, it's just a natural thing. It is a natural thing, but it's again,

something that people don't ever talk about. And I think people are just like you and me and worry are like, is this normal? Is this, yeah, yeah. People do worry about it. And I was speaking to my friend and she was like, oh my God, it's happened to me, but I didn't think it was normal.

And I was like, it is normal. It's 100% normal's 100 normal we all go through it yeah there should also be a health warning about how many times you'll get pissed in your eye yeah on the changing mat because when it's happening and the piss just flies everywhere there's nothing like a helicopter nothing you can do about it's wild ask for the news not the weather in my eyeball it's quite a fun game to catch you though do you do the hover with the nappy whoa whoa whoa it's like racquetball yeah where's it gonna go such fun such fun honestly i live for those days that's what kept me going stay home mom oh man that's my secret next we'll be hearing some of yours on the secret mom club

oh that was like a change of decibels cut to the ad and we are back in the room this is the secret mom club the safe space for you to share your secrets and i'm so excited so emma hit us off with number one all right it says hi soph and emma recently there's been a change in the parent dynamics at the school gates i'm part of a group of parents that always have a little chat and a gossip whilst waiting for the kids it was pretty harmless stuff like annoying homework or rumors about the teachers but over the last week the conversation has evolved they start bitching about other parents and it's getting a

little aggressive and very mean girls says now i'm all for harmless gossip but i feel this is crossing the line how do i deal with bitchy parents shit that is so bad isn't it that's my worst nightmare when i was literally when we went up to being a school school mom school dad it was my worst nightmare i'm the mom that i just talked to anybody yeah i can imagine shock oh shit i just love i love me a little chat yeah um yeah that's that's a difficult one because i've one not personally been in that predicament but i have overheard have you yeah i have i've personally not been in the group to feel like i'm stood there having to absorb it and to process it i've been somebody that stood next to the group what do you do just

i literally just turned around and said it's really disrespectful you shouldn't be talking about people like that it did stop yeah like it did stop and it's hard because i'm not a confrontational person but i also do believe that people deserve a little bit of respect yeah and take it away from the school gates find your whatsapp groups or do what you need to do in those because let's be honest we could all sit here and say no one bitches about anybody we're all just saints we're not we all have a moan yeah that's the beauty of being women humans so forth but i just think i would want to either remove myself from the situation if it was that yeah maybe wait for someone to say oh you've not been around much is everything okay

and then you can raise it and then you can raise it yeah or if you're feeling a little bit more confident and feeling like you want to say i'm just not in for this yeah i'm just not around for this drama like we're all struggling and there is people that are really struggling on a daily basis that we don't know about and to the visual eye would never have a clue and it's so detrimental yeah and if you're feeling that you're confident enough to talk about that then i probably would yeah or yeah leave the situation because imagine you were one of the parents being bitched about and you overheard that. I highly, highly, highly not.

I highly, highly suspect I am. Nice. They're all slagging you off. Probably. I'm the over-friendly mum that's loud in your face. No. Riding the kids' bikes.

Not at all. Riding the kids' bikes to school. It's hard at the school gates as well because you don't get to choose those people really. You're all just there. You happen to be there picking your kids up at the same time from the same school. The only way I can describe when you take your child to their first day of school is like turning up into a speed dating room naked. That's how vulnerable you feel. Do you know what? naked that's how that's how vulnerable it's very exposing that's how vulnerable you feel do you

know what i'm really dreading it but i think if i carry on doing the job that i'm doing i'm relieved of all morning responsibilities because i'm out of the house at 5 a.m so soz stefan but this will be my husband uh at the school gates i'll never have to do it it's it's scary i might have to do pick up pick up's not too bad because they're basically the teachers have had enough they open the door and just lob them out in and out like one two three four yeah yeah yeah this one amount but no it's it is hard i won't lie and say i don't think anyone finds the situation comfortable and you've just got to you just got to find your way yeah i think i think you're right if you feel empowered enough say something you can if you don't feel like you can do that,

maybe just remove yourself from the group. Just step away and wait for someone to address it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did find that maybe like when it was me in that situation, I found myself being there early and getting closer to the door. So where they congregated was somewhere different to where I was stood.

Yeah. Yeah. Just literally avoid all costs. Or get there late. So once you literally wait till the very last second to pick them up yeah but it's hard be nice just be nice be kind because you don't know what people are going through yeah but let's move on to number two all right this says hi ladies so here's an embarrassing secret that's no doubt

happened to every parent at some stage me and my partner were engaging in sexual activity, as you do. All of a sudden, we hear laughter. My then eight-year-old son was standing in our bedroom, just laughing his head off. I was just scratching mummy's legs I was mortified but after my son left we were just in fits of laughter my son is 23 now and he still brings it up just the other day we were at a restaurant with other family members and the conversation turned to sex and relationships, my son said

mummy are you still calling it itchy legs hope this made you laugh really enjoying the podcast can't wait for more oh thanks oh my god that is amazing i thought it was going to be like a recent story that was 15 years ago and he's still talking about it that is absolutely i love that he's still laughing about it now like it's not something that's traumatised him no I think he's taken that very well what an absolute dude and the fact that now he says about it that is absolutely hilarious I haven't had this

well I certainly haven't yet my son's still a baby I think it's because I have the fear of just having like one of them stood at the door like something out of the ring like it freaks me out i can't i can't colby is nearly this age like so imagine that and also the doggy sleep in my room as well it even went me and chris are kissing like in bed oh god that sounded so cringy the dogs you pull away and then look at the dogs and they're like yeah it's

off-putting if there's a dog in the household yeah but a child is even worse because they're gonna remember remember it and be able to talk about it yes it's hence oh well don't know if the dogs could look at you differently but they'll never be able to vocalize it and that's the key thing they'll be trapped in their own minds with that image no this i feel like this is like the the best it could go brilliant i know friends that walked in on their parents when they were younger and they they have been a bit traumatized by it and never felt like they could like raise it or mention it ever again because it's just so so it's probably one of the most embarrassing things that can probably happen between child and parent yeah of course but i

think you have to me personally if it happens i always think about it if it happened is to just talk about it and laugh about it because i feel like is the family dynamic had this situation been different like with me as a child my parents i know it would have been awkward i think i would have struggled with it yeah because that wasn't our family dynamic yeah i didn't feel comfortable ever going to my parents to talk about sex or periods or anything like that because that just wasn't our family dynamic but i think if you have that dynamic where you can have that comfortable chat you know talking about things like we talk about things that are private and i make it i make a conscious effort to talk about things that i fart in front of the children you fart in front of i think everyone on

your instagram channel i've certainly seen it fart in front of everybody but i think if you can just be comfortable in that yeah that if you fart and go oh yeah i just farted yeah then when the babies go out and they pump they're not bothered about it because they can get really embarrassed and i'll be like does somebody fart and they'll be like nope pump one out it's funny that it's such a taboo subject yeah because it it's natural and you know we should be able to talk about it does trigger everybody and i do it more because people get down with the trumpets yeah yeah anyway i'm gonna start calling sexy time itchy legs yes we're all calling sexy time itchy legs i love that so much that rolls nicely into number three

doesn't it the last secret says hi sofa nema i fake tanned my baby's face by accident i decided to treat myself to a fake tanning sesh but not long after i applied it he needed a feed and i genuinely didn't think it would rub off on him but he ended up with a fake tan boob patch that developed over eight hours i was horrified and embarrassed but i did see the funny side lots Lots of love from Hannah. Hannah! Oh, thank you for sharing that. That is brilliant. I know, in that situation, it's so difficult, isn't it? Yeah, because...

Because what would you do? Yeah, and you can't hide it. But I am that person that would have just gone out with the baby, and if someone asked, I'd be like, fake tan my tits, and then I had to feed the baby, so... I would fake tan the rest of their body so that it blended in. Pop a bit of bronzer on. Bob's your uncle.

You would fake tan. Just so it matches, you know. I would like to confirm that no one should ever. Sorry, yeah, we are not advocating for in fake tan or makeup on your newborn baby. Please. Please don't. Please don't please don't but no it's it's one of those things and it happens it's something that happens and people don't talk about it but it is it does happen it's funny i'm sure no babies were harmed in the feeding of this

baby and it'll be a funny story i hope there was lots of pictures taken yeah that will be a funny story in years to come which they will be talking about when they're 23 yeah don't worry about hannah it's fine hannah you smashed that one that was a good one i love that one thank you hannah what a wonderful week that was good wasn't it so thank you everybody for sharing your secrets this week everyone is welcome in the secret mom club that's right and if you want to share your secrets with us you can email us hello at secret mom pod.com or we're secret mom pod on tiktok and instagram there is really nothing too close really or too outrageous and if you're enjoying the podcast follow us on socials and do let us know just search secret mom pod and we'll see you next time on The Secret Mob Club.