Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - Is There A Right Time To Try For A Baby?

Episode Date: April 16, 2026

After Joseph starts asking Emma some big questions about death, a listener shares how she’s handled similar conversations with her daughter. A teacher proves that even the pros forget school events, and one listener asks the big question: how do you know when it’s the right time to start trying for a baby? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wait, hold on. I need your attention because we have some huge news. It's big. Bigger than my bucket crutch. And that's big. Even bigger than Jojo's love for teenage mutant ninja turtles. Well, you've been asking for it, so we're going to be heading back on the stage for another secret mom club live show. There's going to be plenty of secrets. Perhaps a couple of party games.

And maybe a few surprise guests. So mark your calendar. because on the 20th of May, we'll be live at Bush Hall in London for one girly night only, so you better buckle up, bitches. Tickets are on sale right now. So head to our socials for more info and the link to buy tickets. We can't wait to see you there. Now, back to the episode.

Hello, this is The Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to your Thursday's episode where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week. Squeeze your bits. Squeeze my bobs. That'll be too old by now. Yeah, it was three weeks out of day.

I got three weeks ago. He's grown out now. She needs another trip. All of your comments, thoughts, questions and fun stories. Let's give you guys through the weekend. Shall we jumponina? It's time for another correspondent's corner. Shh.

Dida. Emma, take it away, honey. Okay. This one comes from Amelia and it says, hi, Safina and Emma. I just wanted to write in after listening to the episode where Emma spoke about Joseph asking questions about dying. My daughter has recently turned five and has been going through something very similar. Sadly, she's encountered quite a bit of loss in her little life. My husband's mum passed away before she was born and when she was two and a half, her auntie died. It's a huge amount for a child

to try to process and it's brought up lots of questions and anxiety is around what death means, where people go and whether others she loves might die too. What I've found is that being as honest as possible but in a gentle and age appropriate way really helps. We've read quite a few children's books on the topics and one that we've found particularly comforting is the dragonfly story which explains death in a really beautiful way. I also think that regardless of personal beliefs, it can be helpful to talk about a place people go when they die. The idea of just being gone can be very hard for little ones to grasp and having something more tangible can bring them comfort. I wasn't sure whether Joseph's questions were coming from worry or curiosity, but I just wanted

to share our experience. Emma, it really sounds like you're handling it in exactly the right way. It's such a tough thing to navigate with young children and you're definitely not alone in it. If extra note, if it's a worry, have you looked into worry monsters with lots of love to you both, Amelia. Oh, Amelia. What's lovely monsters? Oh, basically, there's lots of different ones I found personally, but you can write a note and you put it into the monster's mouth and you zip up their mouth at night time. So if you've got a worry, your little one can take their worry monster to bed.

And then obviously when they're asleep, you would take the worry away from them. So the monster's eating their worry. You spoke about this with Colby, I think, didn't you? Yeah. That's so lovely. Thank you, Amelia. I think it is just curiosity with Joseph. It's not like, because he's, thankfully, hasn't experienced any loss in real life,

but is getting into like films and TV shows where that kind of happens and like superhero stories and stuff like that. So he'll be like, we started off saying like, oh, that person's defeated. But then he started saying like they've died or they're dead or they've been killed. So he kind of wanted to know what those things meant. But I mentioned heaven to him because he was like, well, what happens? And I was like, well, yeah, I don't just want to say like, you're gone forever and you're never coming back. So I started explaining the idea of heaven to him, even though I'm not remotely religious. But I said to Stefan, I'm now concerned that he thinks heaven is like a really nice place that he should aspire to be.

And I was like, oh no, I don't want to make it sound too nice because he's going to think, I'll go there. I want to end up there. So I'm like, well, that's where you go. And he's been saying to me like, well, do you come back alive when you're in heaven? So I'm trying to be like, no, that's it. you can't be back with the people on earth. Like that happens once you die and you're gone. But are all your favourite things there?

Like toys and stuff. And I'm a bit like, oh, I think I've kind of fucked this because he's going to be like, wow, what a great place. Yeah. So it's a tough one to manage without being like too harsh. But I also don't want to like, you know, make it sound too positive. You don't want to glamourise it. Yeah, that's the word.

Obviously, we've had, we've been there and we've had the conversations. But obviously, I feel like my journey with it was a little bit. different because obviously Dotty was talking about people that are no longer with us here. And she was talking to them and I've spoken about it before. I sound very spiritually she was in tune with talking to the people that had passed on. So I feel like my journey into that. And obviously there's only two years between, say, Mercedes and Joseph, there's only two years between Colbes and Dots. So Colby was never really intrigued about it.

He never really asked these questions. No, never really. But obviously when Dottie started talking to people, that was the only. time that Colby really may be asked. But I, I think Colby's really frightened, whereas Dotty's very open-minded about it. She's not scared in any which way, whereas Colby is really frightened. And Colby will, even now, he'll say, I can't imagine my, oh, God, I don't even want to get out, I can't imagine my life without you. He was like, how am I going to cope if you're not here? And I'm somebody that can't cope too well with that. And being that I suffer really badly with PTSD,

and I've got a massive fear of not being here. I can't, I can't openly talk to them about it. What do you say when they ask that? So I just say, you know, that's a really long time away. This is why life is so precious and we have to enjoy our time together. But that's not something we need to worry about, you know. And I do say it's not going to happen because I have to tell myself, you know, it's not going to happen. We're going to be together for a really, really long time, you know.

And it is hard. It's a really hard topic to talk about because even though he's 10 this year, that's still, still no way of communicating it or I feel like it's something I can't make him or them feel safe about and I can't. Because it is scary and if it did happen it obviously would be awful but you don't want to scare them like he's still so young

and I think recently you know I spoke that my brother went through a really hard time he lost someone really really close to him and there was no explanation for that and my brother really really struggled and although we knew of my brother's friend well I knew him but obviously the children are just like oh, it's Uncle Ritchie's friend, you know.

It was kind of like, well, he's not going to be around anymore. And they were like, well, why? And like you say, I don't want to lie to them. But also the only problem is, is once they get to, you know, a bigger age, there's a hell of a lot more questions that come with that. And like you, I had to try and find a way of explaining it that, you know, people do move on, but they can't come back. And they are where they are and they're with the people around them that are no longer

able to be here anymore. We can't go there. because if we go there, we cannot come back. But just know that they're all okay there. They've all got each other. Like, we have got everybody here. And they're making the most of their time there, just as much as we're making our memories here.

But it's been a hard one. It's been a hard one. And I'd only imagine it's only ever going to get harder because us as three children of my mum and dad, we've never lost. Like my grandma, I only, my mom and dad's, my dad didn't have a relationship with his parents and never I never was around when they were they passed away my mom's dad passed away when she was

really young and then my grandma passed away two days before my 10th birthday and I knew that that was a really scary time and I relive it you know every single time my birthday comes around I remember it to the day like when it happened but since that day I've never we've never lost anybody we've never I don't have any family around that my mom and dad would have spoken to my dad was an only child my mom was born late in life so everybody my mom and dad was kind of the top of the chain, so we never had any family. Yeah. So I've never had to deal with loss around me, like really close to home.

So obviously when my brother went through losing his friend a couple of, well, last year, it's been a really, really hard time because I wanted to make sure that I'm supporting not only my brother, but also I've got to try and support the children. And it's just nothing ever prepares you, should it ever prepare you, no, but you're never ready for that topic of conversation. are you? No. Especially when, you know, like Amelia said that she's lost her auntie.

Yeah. Like, fucking hell. Yeah. To actually have to explain it. Like when it happens, I'm just like dreading that happening. I'm dreading it. Yeah. I suppose you've just got to do the best you can.

And it sounds like you've done an incredible job. And I hope she's doing, I hope she's doing well. Yeah. And coping with it all because it's just, it's really hard, isn't it? There's no, there's no rhyme or reason or a right way to, to explain it. It's just, it's fucking terrifying. Yeah. I'll let the way you put it, though, about, like, everyone being together there and we're together here and, like, that's all you need to worry about.

That's what I say to Joseph. I'm like, it's so far down the road. But reality is, it could not be. I know. I think I don't tell myself that because that's the scary thing about life, isn't it? Yeah. Is that we just don't know. Yeah.

And I think that scares me. So if I can just say to them, you know, they've all got each other, just as like we've got each other. But it's, I think it's, they can't comprehend that why can't they just come back? like mainly Colby Dots will happily just waffle away She'll waffle away to You know She says things to my brother

About his friend Who sadly has passed And she talks really openly About him in the house And I always tell my brother And I'm just like Oh, I just want to let you know That Dottie has said this

And she wants to know that you're okay And that he's thinking of you And he's still very much with you And as much as it's really hard For my brother to hear You know his friend was 35 And even though it's really hard for my brother to hear, I don't want him to not hear that. Yeah.

But she is so open with it. That's so interesting that she's like that. I think it's actually quite nice. And she's like, oh, don't, I'm gritch, you don't need to worry because he's with you every day. How nice that she's not, like, scared of it. She's not scared at it. She's scared of her not being here and her being with them. She doesn't want to be with them.

And she'll happily say, like, I'm good to be here. If they want to talk to me and come in my bedroom, like, they can come in. But I don't want to be there, mom. I'm happy to stay here. So her thought process And she gets sad if we're not with her So she, just the same as Colby She'll be like, I don't want to ever have a life

Without you in it To that element of that really scares them But she is, she's so like chill with it She's just like, oh yeah You don't need to be sad because he's literally with you all the time So mad, isn't it And I say to my brother like look if you don't want me to tell you I won't

But she just she just speaks so openly and freely about it And there's some comfort I find a lot of comfort Yeah. When she's just like, oh, don't worry, they're fine. It's just like normal to her. Yeah. So interesting.

But yeah, this is a hard one. And I do, you know, I commend any mum, dad, grandparents, anybody that has to go through explaining that is a tough one, is it? Yeah, it is. Thank you, Amelia. I am really sorry for your losses. That's a hard one for you, for you all to go through. Sending you all of our love.

Yes. Okay, I've got one more message here. It says, hi, ladies. I wanted to chime in on the type A, type B, Mums. I'm a teacher, so you would assume I'm a type A, mum, but you'd be wrong. My school and my daughter's school pretty much do all the events on the same days, non-uniform days, bring a pound, all of that.

I spend the whole week beforehand reminding my class about the event. And yet, I still forget my daughter's stuff. Lots of love from Holly. Holly, there's only space in your brain for so much stuff, okay? You're doing this for 30 other children and your daughter, she's just the bottom of the list. Her teacher should be telling her. Exactly. Or is she her teacher too?

Can you imagine? Yeah. Yeah, her teachers should be telling her. It's not your responsibility. You've got enough on your plate. I think I'm a type Z. I don't think you're to any category. Some days I'm on it, some days I'm not, you know.

I'm like somewhere in the middle, maybe like a type L. Yeah, LMNEP, all rolled into one, the old Z. Yeah. That does make me feel better though. That does make me feel. I am shocking. I can imagine that I'll make a lot of mummies and daddy feel much better. Even the teachers can't get it right.

Make me make a lot of how the teachers feel great as well. Oh, Holly. I love that so much. So thank you for your messages. If you have any comments, thoughts or funny stories, why not get in touch? You can email us hello at secret mumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Next is time for one of you. I bet you didn't see that one coming.

Yeah! Sacred shut up, Mom! Dinance from you! Welcome back! We love a secret on the Secret Mum Club. And you are all so good at sharing. So Emma, taking away, Hunai. All right, this one says, hi ladies.

Hello honey. I'm a 26-year-old student social worker on placement. I have two jobs and I've been with my boyfriend for nearly three years. I really want to be a mum, but I'm also scared of being a mum. I'm scared that the longer I wait, the less my chances are of having a baby. I'm also scared about how it would change my life. How do you even start the process of trying? How do you know when the time is right?

Does anyone else feel the same? Does anyone have any advice? Lots of love, anonymous, from Aberdeen, Scotland. This is actually so interesting. Yeah. And I feel like everyone's opinions on this topic are so. completely different. Well, it's so unique, isn't it? Yeah. I truly believe there is no right time. You know, I knew that I wanted children. When was the right time for me to have them? I don't know.

Well, I think you've probably got to make sure you're with the right person. Of course. Yeah, no. Because there are probably relationships in your past where you're like, well, I'm glad I didn't have children with them. Fuck you know. Fuck me. 100% guaranteed that that would have. That's the first thing. That's the first thing that you're in a, the, your person, you're with your person. The problem is, though, is let's be brutally honest, you could feel like you're with your person and then later down the line it doesn't work out and that is okay that is absolutely fine that's what happens and again it's part and parcel of life you know if the if relationships do break down that is that is again i was going to say normal that is okay it doesn't make any difference but i don't know that i can hand on my heart say this is the right time we are

having children right now i don't know if there ever was for me for me personally because you got pregnant quite quick with Colby quite soon into your relationship. Yep. And that was planned? Three months, no. No. I'd literally just left the doctors. Me and Chris got together and I said to him, I've got a few medical problems. I can't have children. I have had my ex-vrozen. I've got a saragot in place. But I understand if you don't want to have a relationship with me, you need to know all this beforehand. I don't want just three years down the line, I was trying for a baby and I've never told you. So I felt as an obligation that I knew I had medical problems, I need to tell this from the get-go. Chris offered to come to me with my hospital appointment.

He got to hear it all from the doctor. And that was that. We left that appointment, kind of just said, look, you know, have a couple of days for you to digest it. We'll go away. We went to a wedding on that Saturday, conceived Colby. He said, is this some kind of sick joke? No, it's fucking not. He probably thought, well, hey, I'm safe here.

Then he was like, oh. Fucking hell. We went in Bebek in Bagme. Look where we're at. So no, we were together three, well, it was about three, four months. We'd also put an offer in on a house. We were buying our first house because we were like, look, we're 28. I can't have children.

You want to be with me? Why don't we just get ourselves on the property ladder? All else fails. We're in the process of buying houses. Like if we go our own ways. We'll just sell it. We're selling it. We were on the property ladder.

Phenomenal for the both of us. Yeah. Moved in. Found out I was pregnant. Chris literally went, is this some kind of sick joke? No, no, generally. Was he happy? Oh, absolutely late.

cried. Because he wanted, he did want kids. Yes, yes, he did want children. But we knew that my ex were frozen and my sister was going to carry for me. And we also knew that we wanted to look down options of adopting. So there was lots of other options. And like Chris always said to me, it doesn't matter if you carry the baby. However, we have a baby is always going to be our family.

So however, in which way, it was going to come to us, it would have been perfect for us. And obviously, we fell pregnant. Yes. Yeah. I mean, and that worked out all right? Smashing. I was a planner.

I was like, been together for 10 years, get married, try for a baby. Two years later, have another baby. Very boring. So it just depends what, you know, depends on the issue. I just don't think, I don't know. I say I don't know. Again, this is only ever my opinion. I feel like you can't ever make a plan.

No. Because one, you don't know how quickly. you're going to conceive for baby. You don't know if there's, you know, going to be a long process because it sometimes it isn't quick for people and it does take a long time and stresses of work and stuff like that changes a lot of things. So I guess it is hard to know and put a pinpoint on, oh, we're trying now because by Christmas we might fall pregnant.

Yeah, you can't plan these things. I just think if you feel like you're in the right relationship, you and your partner both want the same thing. Yeah, you're both in the same place. And you feel like you, you know, you're ready, then go for you. for it. Yes. And just see. So I don't know that with regards to time, I don't know that there is a right time, nor can you put a time on it as to it happening. It's kind of one of those processes. If you're both there, go for it. Yeah. And how did you even start the process of trying?

Well, I mean, you literally just start having sex without using protection. Yeah. You can obviously do the normal things that you can do like ovulation test. Yeah, track your ovulation. Track your ovulation. But at the beginning, I would say just, this is kind of gross, but my mum was always like, just have as much sex as possible. Yeah, but again, I did that though, but then there's talks of like, again, please read up on lots of things because I only took from what I researched and found.

But there is like depleting sperm, isn't there? Too much sex can deplete sperm. Apparently, that's word on the street. That's what I read once. But some people say, like, we can't have it too much, you kinky bastard. Fucking hell, get off of me. We obviously didn't.

We didn't have loads of sex. Just got pissed at my friend's wedding and bad-a-bang, bad-a-b-o. Yeah. Yeah. And then he thought I fucking trapped him. I was like, look, gosh, you can leave any time. Yeah. Here he is, 11 years later.

I'll do this on my own. But some people will only have sex, like, around that window. Yes. But I think, like, if you're just having, like, just sex in general. And I sometimes think if you read into it too much, you actually become a little bit. Oh, you can drive yourself crazy. You can actually go insane. You can go insane.

Just try not to think it. There's windows of how long sperm lives in your cervix and how long the egg is out. And if they're swimming fucking fast enough, you know? Yeah. There's a lot you can read up on. I think sometimes just, As fun as you can make it, let your, what is it, your inhibitions. Just let your inhibitions go.

Yeah, just let it all go. And make it just as fun as it possibly can be. Yeah. Without putting time, because more time and pressure you put on yourselves than, you know. Yes. It makes the whole process not so fun. But it can get, it can start off fun and then it can get really stressful because you're like, all I want is to have a baby. And I feel like all I see everywhere are pregnancy announcements.

And obviously that can be. And it's hard. It is hard. Like when I went through my misdiscences. miscarriage in between Colby and Dottie, you, I blamed my body. Like, I was so angry at myself. Like, why did this happen to me? Like, why?

And it can. It can be a really, really hard process to go through. And to try and come back as well from miscarriage, you know, that is, again, a lot. And to keep going again and again and be resilient. And, yeah. It can be easy for some, but the journey can be different for others. And no two journeys are the same. But this is your journey and, you know, make it as exciting as you possibly can.

But again, we will always ask if anybody does have any advice that they can share that we can pass on from our lovely friend over in Aberdeen. We would really, really love that. But, yeah, sex away. Yeah. I have things I wanted to do first, like go on nice holidays and stuff. Everybody has. And you're not selfish for wanting to do that. A little things up my list.

Also, didn't she mention as well about how much they change your life? Yeah. So I, a lot of people, when I hear that, not that I get angry about it, but when people like, oh gosh, they change your life and you can't do certain things. For me, I've never, ever felt that way because I wanted to be a mum and I wanted children. They made my life. Oh, yeah. And I think if you are to look at it like, oh, God, they really change your life.

Of course, an element of it, they change your life. But they made my life and everything in my life now is not just for my children. It's us as a family, all the memories we can make together. And I just take them along with me. Come along. Come along for the ride. You want to go to a festival? Let's go.

Let's go walk out. You know, I'll take them to a festival. It does also make me laugh when people are like, my baby's not going to change my life. I'm going to carry on doing all the same things. And I'm like, okay, not all the same things. Like there will be things that are harder. There is some limits. But I personally believe children change your life for the best.

Yeah, for the better. But again, that's only my opinion. No. You know? I agree. But yeah, good luck, honey. Keep us posted. Thanks for your message.

Thank you so much. Are you a type A or a type B or in my case type Z or Emma's type L? Whatever type of parent you are, then let us know. Email us, hello at secret mumpod.com or with Secret MumPod on TikTok and Instagram. We'll be back. First thing on Tuesday. And we'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday episodes. And we'll see you next time on the...

Secret Mum Club!