Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - Lube, Tampons and Glowsticks

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

There’s a lot of itchy legs chat this week, with Sophiena still not getting jiggy with lube, a listener’s creative use of a sexy cleaners outfit and a teacher’s woe at finding out about a bedroom pole. Emma brings some much needed respite from it all with her weekly round-up and a few more messages from other Mums dealing with clingy toddlers, and a bit of mischief in the garden. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello this is the secret mom club i'm safina and i'm emma this podcast is a safe space for moms everywhere a safe space to share our secrets because we all have secrets don't we we do and as we know sharing is caring you don't even have to tell us who you are you can keep that to yourself you can be anonymous and those secrets can be serious or silly all secrets are welcome in the secret mom club we're just having a lube debrief yeah so many people are shocked at the fact that i don't use lube but i just said to you tonight i'm not wet and wild ride in the bedroom i just want to get out over and done with it went off after last week's episode i had dms about you not using

lube well i don't want double the lubrication are we slipping and sliding all around the place what do you do with your foo-foo lube are we not just using this it's free and maybe it's free from your own vagina maybe you're just producing some high quality shit. Maybe I'm just really moist. No, a lot of people were surprised by the whole lube. Yeah, people weren't happy about the lack of lube. I just don't understand why you're making it so wet. It doesn't have to be that slippery. It'll be so wet, you won't be able to get it in.

It's like when you put too much ketchup on your hot dog and it just slides out the roll. Your sausage is fucked. That's exactly what it's like. Exactly. too much ketchup on your hot dog and it just slides out the roll. Your sausage is fucked. That's exactly what it's like. Exactly. So what a waste of time. Everyone's in for a good time. I'm in for a good time, not a long time.

Not if your sausage ain't going in the bun. You're in for a whole lot of mess. That's what you're in for. Changing the sheets at that rate. Changing the sheets anyway. Come on. What, after sex sex you don't even do it in a bed i just do it in the kitchen you're obsessed yeah no i i obviously don't share

a bed with my husband so i never have to wash my sheets and you clearly don't produce enough of your own lube you have to buy or work on it but anywho listen tell me about your week i haven't purchased any lube so it's been seven days and i can officially say i still haven't purchased a bottle i'll convert you i'll convert you what are you gonna come in with a bottle of lube chris emma bought me this at work so we need to give it a try chris will thank me oh i don't i just i can't get my head around. Have you spoken to him about it? Yeah.

And he said we don't need it. Okay, good. Well, you're both on the same page. Then it's fine. Save yourself a bit of money. What are you leaving up as well? I can't. Back, front, all around.

Back or front of what? Your orifices. I'll explain to you how it works after okay thanks mum my week my week has got absolutely I'm not being roped back into saying something else rude on because that baby oil text that baby oil I told you that episode was an absolute whopper no one wanted to believe me and here we are everybody is absolutely do you have any people asked if we actually know the person so no the baby oil yeah the baby oh no she shall remain anonymous i think her life she who shall not be named she who not i don't know what her partner's gonna think i hope she writes in again.

Yeah. And says, I told them. Yeah. And everyone loved our story. Yeah, we want a follow up. But we need some more of that. Oh, such a good one. Yeah.

Send us any of those. At the Secret Mum pod. Hello at SecretMumPod.com. I nearly took your line then. I didn't even know the word. You didn't even know the email address because you never have to say it. That's my responsibility.

Anyway, listen. My week. It's been half term isn't it has been half term did you have a nice time i was so stressed about colby wasn't i going to that club oh yeah football academy football academy so he went on the monday and then tuesday we were up in london for an event and then he went wednesday thursday friday he had the most incredible time he was he didn't even look back he was just straight on with his rucksack he ran down the little hallway and he was like bye mom and he had the best time every single day and I said to him you know do you want to stay home he's like no I'm gonna go play

football like you're all right yeah out with my friends but I imagined how when I put myself in his position after the Monday and he come home and he told me about it I put myself in his position after the Monday and he'd come home and he told me about it, I put myself in his position and thought, how cool. It is the school holiday. I'm not going to school, but I'm in a room and my mum and dad aren't here. Yeah. And I'm doing my favourite thing. In the world. Yeah.

And I'm eating lunch in a massive hall with loads of kids. Yeah. Did he know the other kids? No. None of them. He knew nobody. Oh. He knew nobody.

So another huge mild stone. Mild stone. Mild. It's pretty spicy. Spicy um did he make friends he did he did make friends to be fair he did know one of the one of the girls there she's off of his outside football club he's only just obviously started so it's very new and then there was a little boy he remembered from swimming but he's not in our swimming group he's in the one that just swims next to us. Right, the ones that can actually swim. They are the ones that can actually. Those are the ones that can actually swim.

Oh, good. The problem now is that he's not going to want to go back to normal school because he's played football for a week. He's probably going to be like, can I just do this all the time? It's a toughie. They went off okay this morning, though. Did they? Yeah.

We're back in the rhythm of things things and they've gone off fine today i was expecting maybe a little bit of a kerbuffle but no we had the best time dotsy went to a dance academy nice for just one day how's that i got some videos i'm gonna say that dancing maybe isn't her career isn't for her yeah yeah i'm gonna say that she maybe just isn't cut out for the dance you said she was maybe more of a street street dance kind of gal yeah not a ballet but this was a street dance class oh okay she kind of just sat there giving very lamppost moves stiff this bless her art i mean she gave it a good go yeah one she did it was a barbie and wednesday like themed dance okay school so she did the barbie one no there was just no movement

no from the waist down waist up pencil like right but wednesday she actually got quite into that one. Wednesday as in Wednesday Addams. Yeah. Nice. Halloween themed. That one. So she did that one. And she did that one quite, she did that one quite good. Yeah.

But I was a little bit worried. But to be fair, the dance school that she went to, her cousins went as well. Oh, okay. So she knew. I felt like that one was a bit more scary just to chuck her in at the deep end because she would have full-on had a panic attack yeah but yeah no she had a she had a sorry burp coming up very windy aren't you so windy bum and bum and front up and down my crumbs but yeah no she she had a lovely and how's she been because you said she was she turned into the devil last week. Was she all right?

After having a bit of a rest? Yeah. During half term? She was okay. I wouldn't say she was. She's not back to normal. No. No, but we're still waiting

for the return of the Mac, to be honest, because she is not, she is not back. She's fully exited, one way ticket, out of here mentally. But it's been okay.

I feel like the rest has done us some good yeah we did have an argument this morning as to why i wouldn't let her eat three cakes on the way to school she's my kind of gal which is i like it honestly to be honest it's the things i really live for you know i love an argument in the morning about cakes with a five-year-old yeah it's really fun really sets me up perfect start of the day yeah yeah it's really fun really sets me up for the day start of the day yeah yeah it's really good um but otherwise no did she have a cake or not she had the one she wish she had one but she she put the other two under her pillow for when she returns home from school she's like a squirrel yeah stashes food in her room doesn't she yeah and she's got this new thing

now where she says um i'm not really that hungry at the moment i'm gonna save that for tomorrow in other words this dinner tastes like shit and i'm not eating it and what i'm gonna do is wait till i go to bed in two hours i'm gonna kick off a massive fast scream at everybody and demand i have a cake and a banana and probably a yogurt right yeah okay that's that on repeat and you know what's coming and i even know myself and i say to myself every time i say to it look just so you know there's no snacks at bedtime yeah who's the bastard at bedtime that's like do you want a snack how many I'll get you anything no because I just needed to go to sleep oh I thought you were gonna say it was Chris though no it's me at least it's you it's me yeah yeah that's more annoying when someone else I think Chris Chris would do it too yeah anything for a

quiet life yeah and I know I'm doing wrong, but. Sometimes you just got to do what you got to do to get through. You have got to do what you got to do to get through. I've been bringing Joseph into our bed. Have you? Oh, I saw a scrumptious picture. I know. Oh, God.

That was at my mum and dad's house. So I thought people might be like, you and Stefan don't share a bed. No, that was an exceptional circumstance because we were staying at someone else's house. Obviously, he would never normally be allowed into my bed. Oh. I got booted out because, as you can see from the picture, there was no room for me in there. No, of course.

Put Joseph in the middle. He ends up just shimmying over. On your side. Yeah, yeah. There was one in the bed. And the little one said, so I was up and out of there. But it was the clock change that messed us up. It keeps waking up so early.

Like, five o'clock. I thought after 24 hours, we'd be back on a normal schedule. Is that not like going to America and then coming back and expecting jet lag to be over in 24 hours? No, because we adjusted like on the day of. So what was it? Saturday night, wasn't it? Saturday night. At the movie.

We adjusted everything. And so it was all fine. You know, like eight is really seven or seven is really eight. So what would have been his seven o'clock? He goes to bed at seven. You would have put him down at six, did you, on the Saturday night? No, eight. Because eight would be really seven in the new time.

Right, got you. Is that right? Yeah. I get so confused about him. Do you? Anyway, he basically, it shouldn't really matter on the time. He basically just needs 12 hours sleep. Yeah.

So now I'm putting him down at seven o'clock, which is the new normal. Seven o'clock is seven o'clock. I don't think you can, you can't just keep being like, oh, that actually though is eight or whatever. Yeah, but I do that until they then go forward. So you do that for six months until March? Yeah, and I basically sometimes don't change the clock either

for six months. Oh no. So then I can test myself in the car when I'm like, oh, fuck me, we're an hour late. And they're like, oh we're not we're an hour early it's a fun game we're actually on time it depends if it's an easy clock to change i'll change it if it's one that i can't remember how to do it i'll leave it yeah in the spring and then it just tends to be only right for six months six months of the year yeah yeah whatever uh but yeah he's just not got the hang of it yet and he's still waking up so early and i I know... What early is early?

Five. Quarter to five the other day. But you're awake? Yeah, I'm going to work though. I'm not getting up to look after the baby. What time do you get up for work? About half four, quarter to five. And what time do you leave for work?

Five. I get ready very quickly. So you don't even see him? No. So he's not your... He's not your... There is someone else there when i leave i don't just go to work i'm like peace out get yourself on the side see you later so

you're talking about monday to thursday yeah when you go to work you're fine because it's not your issue stefan's there but obviously the weekend but he's then waking stefan up really early but then stefan's gotta go to work so then he's really tired and I keep so what time Stefan go to work about half seven so what time does he go to nursery half seven Stefan drops him and then he goes to work but obviously no he doesn't need to be up at five o'clock in the morning and then he's getting up wanting his milk and for the last three days we've just done it like say easy life yeah do what you've got to do to get through yeah now I think he's like oh if I get up at five I can have my milk yeah and then I go into the big bed yeah and sleep but it's like then it's like we're up is he thanks with dot i reckon he is i think he's i hope he doesn't do this for another five years

though because i hope he doesn't ever take any tips from my daughter it will wrap me a really really bad relationship i don't know i mean hopefully he just goes back to normal but he seems to be going through a bit of a maybe it's his teethies how's his teeth could be teeth but he doesn't seem when he comes into our bed he doesn't seem does he do upset yeah that's the thing last night last night was crying out oh i just thought oh do you know what let's put you in my bed absolutely fine oh didn't hear a peep from him god it's actually quite nice is he a bit lonely he snuggled up next to me and went to sleep like straight away perfect never cried out cried out. Never cried out again. No, but the thing is, we've got, he's got used to going to sleep in his own bed and he's got really good at it.

And now I don't want to undo all the hard work. I am that wanker that will say this isn't going to be for forever. I know. And just soak it up while you've got the, just the three of you. I know I tell other people like, it's not a bad habit. Don't worry about it. Just do what you've got to do. And you would tell me, you'd be like, just take it up before i know the new baby comes i know but then also i am like get out of

my bed i can't sleep you know and it's only you in the bed isn't it yeah just me and him there's no room for three people in there is there not no no okay but yeah 20 month sleep regression teeth 21 months tummy i don't know i don't know i don't know what Tummy. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what it might be. I don't know. He also shat in the bath last night. So, you know, all in all. Another shit in the bath?

It was a great night. Well, the other one was in a towel. Yeah. Did you scoop it out? Hand scoop in the toilet? It was kind of runny. So I just got him out, showered him down. And then I just had to deal with it afterwards.

Nice. Down the plug hole. Yeah. Stefan was out. So I thought. Oh, what are you going to do in this do in this circumstance hose i bet he loved it didn't he no oh he didn't he didn't like the shower down he was crying no oh no he doesn't like a shower or a big bath he has his little snuggle tub that he goes in and that's all he likes but i was like you can't stand in there it's full of shit so sorry out you go sorry mate but that would be your own feces yeah

it's your own fault so don't fucking cry at me no one else to blame but yourself right if only we could talk to them like that and hope that they understood listen here you fucking children i would never listen to my children like that no i would in public in the comfort of my own home. Absolutely. It's a different story. I didn't, I stayed as calm as I possibly could this morning with our three cake doll. But she, she was, she was rubbing me up the wrong way.

It was just, it was not, I just can't believe it. And it wasn't, it was the combination of the cakes. It was a honey crunch log roll, a jam wagon wheel, and a Barney Bear. That's what was making you mad? And it was the fact that, yeah, because she told me they're all different flavours. She needed all three cakes because they were all different flavours in her mouth. I get that. Fuck off.

Yeah, you want to try them all. Fucking just spat them out of pure anger. Fucking, I'll give you three different flavours. Flavour, flavour. I would do that, but I'm 35 and I can do what I want. I'm going to blame Tesco's for all the offers on the cake situation. Because there was just one cake in there. She wouldn't be taking three.

Stop buying them. I know, I know. And I tell myself every fucking food shop, stop buying the cakes. Yeah, you can have an Easy Peeler instead. But I like a cake. Yeah, me too. But mummy likes a cake. Mama likes a cake.

But we've had pretty good weeks then, really. Good. Pretty positive. Mine hasn't been great. Mine hasn't been great, but we're here to tell the tale. So, every cloud. Onwards and upwards.

Onwards and up you. pub hole with some lube anywho Emma and I really want to hear from you oh we want you to join us in the secret van club you're all welcome you can share your secrets

with us respond I just thought my secret of the week then I just pissed myself you can it's really bad fuck you can share your secret stay tuned what a tease it's really bad and i don't know i'm actually

contemplating whether i can even say well you have to say it now you can share your secrets with us respond to what we've been talking about or just say hello you can find us on tiktok and instagram just search secret mum pod or email us hello at secret mum pod.com yes i knew it that time uh now it's the correspondence corner this one says hi ladies i listened to your halloween bonus episode and you made me feel so much better i hate hate Halloween. I had so many messages from people saying they also hate Halloween. I had lots of people message me saying I used to really like you and the fact that you don't like Halloween. It's put me off.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I hate Halloween and I feel like such a Halloween Grinch because I have two under tens. I feel the same as you about trick or treating. To me, it's just weird asking strangers for sweets. We have compromised and are having a Halloween-themed tea party,

but that's my limit. Bring on Christmas, I say. Woo-hoo! From Lindsay. Shall we all get our trees up? Let's get our trees up. No, not until December. I'm not one of those. No.

No. Do you put yours up in November? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. Four weeks isn't long enough to celebrate the festive season. When do you put up i'm going to a christmas party today when do i put it up probably first of november no two months tomorrow two months of tree no no we go real tree yeah we have a real tree so we i the christmas decorations go up some of them go up around the house but we

don't tend to get the tree to the first of december yeah okay but we gotta wait for my sister's birthday chris isn't so precious about his birthday because he's first of december but my sister's end of november so my sister likes to have at least her birthday it's annoying having a birthday that time of year to be honest i just said to her to stop being so selfish yeah selfish my mom's the 22nd of december i'm like mom if you are gonna be your mom on this podcast she this podcast. She's becoming a problem. She's becoming a celebrity. She's becoming the talk of the town. We need to get her on.

Yeah, December birthdays. But I'm totally with you, Lindsay. Yeah. Get it out of the way. Get out of the way. Although I did have a conversation with the babies this morning about Halloween. Because I am, I don't do trick or treating. But my sister has mentioned it. And I am busy in London. So I can't do trick-or-treating but my sister has mentioned it and I am busy in London so I can't do it so I said will you take the children so I said to the children we're gonna try and

sort out Halloween and Colby went I'd really love to do it because I've never actually done it before in my life so they're going trick-or-treating for the first time yeah yeah they're gonna go I think with my sister hopefully they're gonna be off their titsreating for the first time? Yeah. Yeah. They're going to go, I think, with my sister, hopefully. They're going to be off their tits on sugar. But I'm not going to be there. I'm just thinking of the... Not my problem. You know, three cakes dot.

It's now just going to be three sweets dot. I can't even begin to fathom the fight of that bucket. And she's going to be sleeping with the bucket. Oh, she's not going to let it go. Let it go. She'll be living her best life, won't she? That'll be sleeping with the bucket. Oh, she's not going to let it go. Let it go. She'll be living her best life, won't she? That'll be me in the corner looking for Sven or Olaf. Help me.

I've got another email here. It says, hey, ladies, I was listening to the episode where Colby found his tooth. It reminded me that the other day my niece lost her second tooth. She accidentally swallowed it whilst eating her toast oh my god holy moly is she okay but when it came to bedtime she said that she wanted to write the tooth fairy a note saying hello sorry i ate my tooth today but i can leave my poo next to my bed tomorrow for you as it's your job to take the tooth to leave her poo with the tooth i absolutely lost it and helped write the note

to go under her pillow the tooth fairy gave her some glitter and a two dollar coin but asked that the poop not be left there as she doesn't need this one no sarah from western australia oh it was so confusing i was like she reading that script right the poo yeah i had to double take when i read that but then i thought that little girl's got a really good understanding of biology because she knows where she knows where that's gonna come out yeah she knows that that teeth is coming out genius i'll leave my parents can you imagine if she did it on her own just went and got a tupperware by herself yeah left a stool by the side of the bed sarah went up and she's in the lunchbox it's my stool sample for the tooth fairy tooth fairy's like i don't need that one what an absolute sweetheart australia wow that is phenomenal thank you so much thanks sarah thank

you uh final email here says, Hello, lovely Safina and Emma. You're lovely. I'm just Emma. All right. I have no children myself. I don't want to say it, but Jesus Christ. The people have spoken.

I have no children myself, but I'm a teacher. One experience I had recently made me wonder if parents ever fear what their children say at school. The other day in my year three class, the task was for them to draw a room from their own home when going around the class saying the usual oh what have you drawn and oh what room is this i stopped at one child who appeared to have drawn a bedroom with a black line in the middle of the page from top to bottom i said what's this the child answered mummy and daddy's bedroom i then pointed pointed and said, what's the line?

They answered, oh, that's the pole that mummy dances on for daddy. They really have no filter. Anonymous. I'm not losing any lube. Surely not. Surely not. I don't but what i don't know i don't i don't really people really have a bowl in their bedroom people that have got children that's not what i'm concerned about i'm more concerned the fact they're telling the child that she's dancing on it for daddy well maybe they've seen it with their own eyes

what kind of show is this unless that's an imaginary pole that they're just seeing the children walk in the dad sat on the end of the bed the mum's just well they must they know what happens on it because they've written it they've said it to the teacher it's visual i'm gonna say it's not i'm gonna say it's not visual it's it to say it's not visual. It's, it's, I was going to say, I hope it's from their imagination, but I don't think that's any better. Wow. Wow. What goes on in some households?

I'd love to be a teacher. I'd really love to be a teacher. I wouldn't be a very good one. Let's be brutally honest. But I, isn't it funny because I do, do you never think, like, look at these

things my life is really fucking boring yeah i don't use lube i don't have a pole in my bedroom i'm not living i'm not living i've just got such a bog standard life yeah that's what you want though isn't it i don't know i don't know i don't know if i want to know what we might be missing out i don't think i it's probably not advisory to get a pole no i don't know now and probably best not to use the lube and the pole together no dangerous do you worry about what colby and dotty are going to come out with at school well you haven't got any dirty secrets so you're probably all right no because i feel like there's nothing nothing to hide well after you hear this week's secret,

after I had to do it in front of the children, I was like, oh, God, this is honestly... They've probably gone to school and told their teacher. I wonder, though, if the teachers maybe listen or watch and just think... Take it with a pinch of salt. And I just think it's very normal things that I go through. To be fair, like a pole in the bedroom.

Is that normal for most households? I don't think so. No? No. I'll just say, oh, it's holding the roof up. Yeah. Scaffolding, mate.

Let us know if you've got a pole in your bedroom. Yeah, do let us know. And let us know if, or how you explain it to the children. Yeah.

As to what it's for. Fucking hell. I thought it was going to be that the line was that mummy and daddy have to have separate halves of the room. I thought it was going to be that the line was that mummy and daddy have to have separate hives. I thought it was going to be like about me and Stefan, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mummy and daddy in separate beds.

Yeah, yeah, I thought that. Oh, gosh. So you can get in touch with us on anything at all. Yeah, it can be serious or silly and you can be totally anonymous. And between us, we've probably heard it all before and remember. Are you going to remember the song this time? We're all in this together and we know that we are we're all stars and we see that each week we'll be sharing our secrets and yours in the secret mum club and here's my

secret of the week there's been a big build-up to this oh it's absolutely tragic i'm not gonna lie go on if you've got a sensitive stomach or sensitive to listening to weird things turn your radio down i would skip this probably about 3.38 seconds so i've actually got two secrets first secret this week okay i've got a fox in my garden right is that the secret because i think a lot of people okay that's not the secret right the fox in the garden is is kindling a relationship with coco like they're playing in the garden together all the time yeah the fox shits coco eats it oh that's part of their relationship they also fund on each other i think they're both girls girls, weirdly. They're not trying to hump or anything like that,

but I don't know if a dog can hump a fox or fox hump a dog. I'm not really too sure. I've thought about this a lot. But the fox is really friendly and it just sort of patrols the neighbourhood, routes through the bins like a normal fox, you know. We were getting stuff out of the boot the other day to clear the boot for the man to come and clean the car.

The fox was in the boot of the car. How did it get in there? Jumped up because I left the boot the other day to clear the boot for the man to come and clean the car yeah the fox was in the boot of the car how did you get in there jumped up because i left the boot open so the fox jumped into the car boot took dotty's teddy bear koala her favorite koala of all time oh no i come out to the fox just in the middle of the road, staring at me with the koala bear in its mouth. Was Dottie there? No. So then I, in my mind, what was the logical thing to do? Well, I'm not going to approach a fox. I approached a fox.

No! Then I just was running through everybody's garden to try and get the koala bear off the fox. I then also did a letter through the door to let people know the fox had taken a koala bear. And if you've seen a koala bear who's got legs sellotaped up, because that's its boots, its legs are sellotaped. Could you please return it back to us?

I obviously then had to go back and tell the terrible news to Dottie. I'm just trying to think if this happened with Teddy. She broke her heart. She literally broke her heart and walked out into the road and screamed fuck you fox to which i had the neighbors out looking for the fox and the bear allison was allison was not pleased let me tell you your neighbor yeah she lives opposite she

lives opposite and she just went fuck you fox oh with an added middle finger as well yeah oh the middle finger's just obligatory yeah she loves it she flipped me off this morning double when i didn't give her free cakes double flipping the bird yeah i love it though wow yeah so that was one secret this week that was pretty wild to be fair but then something else happened to me that i get it back no no the fox is still the fox is still um canoodling with cocoa in the garden they've been she's been eating her shit for about a week now and the fox has been back but no sign of koala no i'm gonna say she's maybe made a nest from it can you buy another one um yeah it's just an ikea koala so you do know where to get it from oh yeah because this was

the problem with teddy teddy was limited edition yeah so we tracked it down on ebay and we bought three oh no because i thought if a fox ever does kidnap yeah he did yeah but if a fox ever does kidnap teddy got two backups to be fair it was an un it was a circumstance i never thought i'd find myself in i can't believe it just jumped in your boot in front of you well i was indoors was indoors. Oh, you weren't there. I wasn't there. I was offloading stuff into the house and then came out and he was in the back of the... Oh, they're getting very bold, aren't they?

I just was. I just, for a split second, imagined like sunglasses on this fox just driving my car. They see me rolling. Toodle-oo, motherfuckers. At least he only took the koala and not the car every cloud um could have been worse

yeah so moving on to my other secret this week okay we're spoiling her I don't think you're ready I'm always ready I apologise to everybody

in the room I'm always ready I'm so sorry oh god I can't even look at Adam um so I I've I've been constipated that's not news

no we all know we all know about that no that's not news to anybody so after five days I finally managed to take a poop oh and thank you thank you honestly did feel like I was in labor did it yeah for have you been taking anything a good 13 minutes prunes prunes i've been eating loads of fruit loads of veg nothing's nothing's shifting it everyone keeps saying i'll eat all this really i am eating healthy believe it or not i'm eating really healthy i'm gaining shit loads of weight but i'm eating healthy i just can't get the shit out what if you take some laxatives or something i don't think you're allowed oh when you're pregnant no i don't think you're allowed. Oh, when you're pregnant.

No, I don't think you're allowed. So anywho, managed to birth the poo. Right. Huge poo. But in birthing the poo, I blocked the loo. I stood for about 17 minutes trying to flush the poo. That has happened to me before though. To which I, you know when you get that sweat in your head and you're like,'m gonna have to cut it what am i actually do i go to the kitchen and get a knife do i go

to the kitchen and get a knife everyone was asleep it was 5 00 a.m in the morning i didn't know what to do so i said do i go to the kitchen to get a knife to cut it no so i carried on still trying to flush it still trying to flush it at this point are you using anything toilet brush or anything no i don't have a toilet brush because they just are just poo fests aren't they the poo particles so i just kept trying to flush it and the water was getting higher and higher and i thought fuck it's gonna flood this time it's now 20 past five i'm still in the toilet the children are desperate for the loo they can't go now because i've blocked the toilet so i'm sweating waiting to get in the shower because i'm naked because i was sweating so much on the toilet

to get the poo out i took all my clothes off so i'm fully naked yeah trying to flush a massive shit down the toilet so the only thing i could grab what we had in the bath was these really long glow sticks we'd done like a spooky bath and they were just left over in the bath so i just grabbed the whole handful of them and started ramming them oh no i started ramming them. Oh, no. I started ramming them down the toilet. Did it work? Did it work? It did work. It took a bit of work, you know, to get it to move and shift.

But then I had nowhere to put them. so i had to put them into the bath while my shower was running your shower with the shitty glow sticks so then i showered with the glow sticks and i thought i'll i'll move them i'll move them later because obviously no one knows what's happened apart from colby and dottyie had no idea where I was ramming their glow sticks down the toilet so I come home and the glow sticks are back no Chris moved the glow sticks

no where are they I'm assuming he's put them in the wheelie bin oh he did throw them in the bin at least yeah I don't think

he's reused them and had another party but it's the fact that he's touched my poo he's had to pull. Glove sticks. He washed his hands off.

I haven't. I didn't tell him. At least the children didn't play with them. That's what I thought you were going to say. I just, I said to him, oh, did the children mention anything? He was like, no. And I was like, don't worry if you do mention to dad that I was ramming the glow sticks down the toilet. I haven't told him.

Oh, did Colby and Dottie know? Yeah, they saw me ramming the glow sticks down the toilet. And I was like, get out! out go don't look at me don't look me i was like crazy um so yeah chris doesn't know until he listens to this podcast he's not gonna listen i tell him not to listen i say there's nothing in general nothing for you there's nothing for you to see here i don't think he'll ever listen after a shriveled up pizza dick episode no it's the fact that everyone now texts me about his pizza dick even from my pregnancy announcement when people

are like oh well yeah his pizza dick does work so he won't listen now so yeah that's if you've ever been in a situation where you've had to have you ever been in a situation where your poo's that big and you've got to yeah when you first said the secret i was like not that impressive i've blocked a toilet before yeah what did you what did you do i have a toilet brush at your home have you ever not publicly publicly no but at home um i'll just use a toilet brush you know all i'm glad is that it wasn't my poo at waterloo can you imagine but also in a way what the fuck would i have done in a way in a public toilet you can just walk away would i have had to strip off though i was sweating so much yeah would i be naked in waterloo no you would have been able to take your clothes off but

you would have been able to probably just leave the poo anonymously do you remember that story that went viral a couple of years ago about a i think it was a girl that was on a date or a boy that was on a date around a girl's house and they had a massive poo in the toilet and they couldn't flush it so they picked it up and they threw it out the window but it was like some kind of like internal window like the window didn't actually go to the outside so they actually just ended up throwing it like to just outside of the bathroom window and then this massive log was just sat there forever and they just had to go back to their date and be like i've just thrown a shit out your window and it's still there do you not remember this so at least it wasn't that

yeah so at least it wasn't that you know thank goodness for small mercies fuck me what an episode this is this week wow but that's my secret congratulations on getting your poo out i'm happy for you i'm really hoping i don't get blocked up again for another five days do you know when you have but i have put a tube of glow sticks just in the corner of the bun. Just in case I need them. If I get invited to a party at your house. Oh, God. Oh, no. Don't touch the glow sticks.

Don't touch the pooey glow sticks. So next, we'll be... Next, we'll be... Next, we'll be hearing some of yours on the... Secret Mum Club! next we'll be hearing some of yours on the secret mom club this is the secret mom club the safe space for you to share your secrets we've got three secrets from you we're going to be discussing this week so emma hit us with number one hiya ladies my daughter's school had a fancy

dress day last year and i had no idea it was happening until the night before fuck the only thing i could find in the house was an itchy leg cleaning outfit an itchy leg cleaning outfit so i decided it was my only option in the morning i sent her to school with the little outfit on and a long dress underneath to try and disguise the fact it was a naughty outfit now fancy dress day is coming up again and i've had questions from other parents as they expressed how much they loved her outfit last year and how much effort i'd put in it makes me cringe so much now. Love, India. India, you must have done a smashing job.

Wow. I feel like we need to picture photographic evidence of this outfit. Did you take a picture of our India? Yeah. Is that weird of me to ask? I wanted to just see how cool the outfit was. Not that. I want to see a door in her sexy cleaning outfit.

Not a weird. Wow. Again, makes me think I'm boring because I don't have sexy outfits sexy i've got a sexy cleaning outfit in the wardrobe also how many people have dildos do you have a dildo i just thought we were on the topic of this i don't know why it fell into my brain what made you think of that i just thought you know poles lube sexy outfits are we just sex toys busting out with a dildo obviously if you're single. But do we just have dildos kicking around?

Again, straw poll of the nation. Let us know. Interesting. Interesting topics. Well done, though. Well done. Yes. Coming up with something.

I don't think I would. Would you wear the outfit for school? It's kind of weird, isn't it? Well, it's not weird. It's not weird. It's normal. No, if you're into it. Fantastic. Yes.

Great. I just I couldn't take myself seriously. I just don't know what I do in the doorway of just like, I look sexy with my nipple tassels holding some glow sticks. Wherever you be. Cleaning the toilet. Yeah. You don't want to know.

Don't ask. No, it's I can't imagine myself. I'd No, it's, I can't imagine myself, I'd be a terrible actor because I can't imagine myself like getting into character. And I don't really want to spend that much time doing that. Got better things to do.

Yeah, like, fuck me, I'm watching Dexter at the moment. Let's, can we just turn the lights off and just quickly make it faster? Yeah, too much effort. Too much effort, but go you. Yeah, too much effort. Too much effort. But go you. Yeah, good one, India.

Go India. Mum of the, mum of the, wow, clearly you were mum of the school. Yeah. Because everyone wants to know where you got your outfit from. Did they ask? Anne Summers. Yeah. What are you going to put her in this year?

That's what I want to know. Yes. Yes. Tell us. Do tell. Do tell. All right, so secret number two. It says, hey girls, my toddler will be three in February

and since September she has been so clingy. It can be very overwhelming. I work full time but feel major mum guilt when I drop her off at childcare because I know I'm her safe space. The teachers always tell me how good she's been at the gates but even on the days she goes to her nan's, I'm told she's been asking for mummy and daddy all day and it breaks my heart.

When the three of us are at home together, she always wants me to play, to get things for her, bath her and put her nan's. I'm told she's been asking for mummy and daddy all day and it breaks my heart. When the three of us are at home together, she always wants me to play, to get things for her, bath her and put her to bed no matter how much her dad tries to do it. Is it her age?

Is it a stage or regression? Love you guys. Lauren. Lauren. As a mother of a toddler who's obsessed with me. I was going to say, as hard as it is,

I feel your pain. It is completely normal. It is, yeah. I don't know how long it lasts. And some of them are like it and some of them aren't yeah yeah and i it is it is the age it is a phase um but it's as hard as it is i've got got to soak it up a little bit yeah it's gonna happen it is not suck it up soak it up at the moment it stops like i always say you never you never remember the last baby grow you never remember the last nappy you never remember giving them their last bottle there's always a last to everything and one day

she isn't going to ask for you and then it will continue and continue and there'll be a time when you look back and go fuck i didn't even realize she'd start. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't make the most of it. But when you're in it, it is hard. You feel like you've got like no space. Nothing. No to breathe. You feel absolutely suffocated, don't you? It is a bit suffocating. Really suffocating and very overwhelming as well.

Yeah. I try and tell myself like, oh, make the most of it. Like he wants me to play with him all the time. He wants me to always be near him. Always wants to sit on my lap. Always wants hold my hand and i think those moments are lovely but when you're doing it all the time and also you're tired you're going to work it can be hard and i think no matter how much you try and split the routine with your partner there are some things that they'll just prefer you for yeah i mean we're kind of lucky because i work weird hours

stefan's always had to do some things. And Joseph expects that now. Like Stefan will get him up in the morning, give him his bottle, get him dressed, take him to nursery. I've never had to do that part of the day. So like he associates that with his dad. But then like in the evening, because I've always been there, it'll be like dinner time, bath time, bedtime. Stefan normally does give him his bottle and put him to bed actually. But there are things that I just think

he's more comfortable with me. Do him. With. And that's what he's used to. That's the thing. I don't know whether I can train him out of that. Your little girl's a bit older. She's three.

So she's probably more set in her routine than Joseph. He's not two yet. But yeah, I don't know if there's much you can do about it. I used to just reward them when they had time in their own time on their own yeah like I used to say like oh mummy's got to do the hoovering so once the hoovering's done then mummy can play would you like to do anything while mummy's hoovering and I used to give them a reward like a little bag of jelly sweets or a biscuit for them to eat while they're playing yeah um and do and do that that way but obviously mine are now

older aren't they yeah and i suppose like at three she's probably at an age where she can start to understand that yeah i can't negotiate with uh joseph no obviously he doesn't understand me but yeah three she would she would probably understand that's quite a good tactic to get her to it's nice when they play independently yes and also it does encourage them to play yeah in their own in their own space and i did that with my mom they were both little i just encouraged them like mommy has to do the hoovering like i need to i need to do the hoovering or mommy has to do this and then the time would get that little bit more like the next week they'd play for five minutes longer yeah and sometimes i used to put the hoover down this sounds you know in my in my mind it was completely logical i used to put the hoover down this sounds you know in my in

my mind it was completely logical i used to put the hoover on and just sit and drink a hot tea for 10 minutes with the hoover sound on yeah because i used to be so dotsy was really really clingy and i used to be so overwhelmed by it and colby used to just play colby was so happy playing on his own that i used to just put the hoover on and just sit and drink a hot cup of tea yeah just make the most of it yeah the peace and quiet you just need that sometimes don't you i'm really bad with housework and stuff i don't do anything and take the little wins take the little wins if she's in there for five minutes take that yeah take that as and then because next week it might be 10 minutes yeah you might get half an hour and it's definitely small small bits and i used to always go back and check them so I used

to be sometimes if they were playing for five minutes or ten minutes I used to go oh is everything okay mummy's just gonna go and do this now really quick is that okay she'll play really lovely yeah to know that they weren't alone and constantly reassuring them and praising them because it is a big deal for them to play and learn that that kind of yeah that independence yeah yeah yeah and in terms of going to work it's just something that some parents just have to do and it is hard leaving them but don't feel guilty at all you've if you've got to work you've got to work that's just and that that is the unfortunate thing is that you just got to you just got to do it yeah you got to do what you gotta do distraction but just know that she loves you very very much

yeah that's the thing isn't it it's because you're just so great it's because you're great and she loves you and you're just her favorite your heart it's hard when you you're literally their whole world yeah and that's it i know in a nutshell yeah sometimes i'm like why are you so obsessed with me and then i'm like can you i am pretty great oh but thank you so much for messaging and then hopefully hopefully it does give you a little bit of reassurance that it is completely normal completely normal yeah and they'll grow out of it they will so we're gonna roll into number three this one says hi emma and soph my family and i moved into our new home in a lovely area and we're settling in very nicely oh lovely It was all going so well until one night

when it was time for my two middle sons to go to bed. I was reading them Three Little Pigs and then the oldest of the two pipes up and says, Mum, you know those things that... I never read these ahead and then I always get shocked. And I don't read them because I let you just give me... You like the surprise, don't you? Yeah, I do love the surprise.

And he pipes up and says, Mum, you know those things that you stick up your bum? Well, we stuck them through the holes in the garden fence. I hot-footed it... I don't know what they mean. Tampons? Up your bum. Wow.

Boys don't really know front to bum. I hot-footed it down the stairs whilst frantically asking my husband to find a torch. We made it to the fence in our PJs, up a ladder with a head torch on and a fishing net in hand playing hook a tampon over our neighbor's fence we hadn't met the neighbors at this point so we were praying they didn't look out the window imagine the sight gosh can you imagine just looking out the window and seeing the two people just hanging over the fence out the window and seeing the two people just hanging over the fence

with torches in the dark fucking hell are these playing hooker tampon needless to say from that day on our house always had a locked cupboard

in the bathroom thankfully the neighbours didn't have a clue either that or they were scarred for life and never mentioned it oh Tracy

Tracy thank you so much how iconic and I love that you're like, what are they putting up their butt? Because it's boys, isn't it? Well, boys and tampons, but my immediate thought was

it was something more embarrassing. Tampons? Over the neighbours? I thought they'd put a butt plug over the neighbours' fence or something. That would be even more embarrassing. Thank God it was only a tampon. Wow.

There's so much talk about the instruments this podcast has opened our eyes this podcast is very very um lubed that is incredible i really wish they had seen though yeah secretly i want to see i hope that they saw and then they just never mentioned it again because they were scarred i really wish your neighbor was listening so they could be like, we did. Yeah, if you are that neighbour, do let us know. Do let us know if you saw your lovely neighbours

fishing a tampon. New neighbours are a bit weird. With a torch on their head. Yeah. They're in the garden with a head torch on. Fishing tampons out of our chrysanthemums. Someone, dear, is stealing your tampons out of the chrysanthemums. Dear, have your tampons out of the chrysanthemums

dear have you put these tampons in the flowerbed thank you for sharing your secrets this week thank you everyone is welcome in the secret mum club yeah if you'd like to share your secrets with us you can the email is hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. Have you played hooker tampon before? Or did you have to get creative putting a fancy dress outfit together? Let us know. There really is nothing too outrageous.

And if you haven't already, check out our Friday bonus episode. And we'll see you next time on the... Secret Mump Club!