Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - My Bum’s Had An Idea!

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

The school holidays are coming to a close and Sophiena is dreading the start of term. Emma on the other hand is enjoying Joseff’s first full day at nursery! We have three bottom-related letters over on Correspondence Corner, we hear about an ingenious five-year-old’s bum, a horrendous car fart, and relieving yourself outdoors. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello. Hello. Is it me you're looking for? I can see it in your eyes. This is the Secret Mum Club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And this is a podcast.

And this is a podcast. Exactly what it is. And this is a safe space for mums everywhere. A safe space to share our secrets. Because we all have secrets, don't we? And as we know, sharing is caring. You don't even have to tell us who you are. You can keep that to yourself.

You can be anonymous. And those secrets can be serious or silly. All secrets are welcome here in the Secret Mum Club. What have you been doing this week safina nipple and boob are you areola yeah i'm all i'm all nipple no boob all nipple no boob yeah so like my whole boob is my nipple all killer no filler your nipples it's mad how big and like dark they get when you're pregnant mine didn't change color when you're pregnant and when you're breastfeeding they were just still ginormous the whole time do you know how clever this is they get darker so that the baby knows how to find your nip to feed isn't that amazing and then they like they fade and what happened with my nipples and they just

didn't change color because my baby wasn't feeding from them. My body just went, oh, do you know what? You're not breastfeeding. We won't change the colour of your nipples. Maybe there was too much nipple to fill. You're the one who said burger nips. I have got shit titties. Listen, shitties, tell me about your week.

Oh, fuck the England game. Oh, I know. Just so sad. Heartbreak. I thought Dottie was going to cry the most. Mary just absolutely held the game. Mary Earps. Mary Earps.

Swery Earps. Don't you be knocking Mary. I know. She's a legend. That's the only moment I've heard in there. Fuck it. Fuck you all. Fuck it all.

It's good, wasn't it? I'm looking for that moment. I know. God, Mary. I've never been so excited in my whole entire life. God, when she saved that penalty. What a queen. But I do feel like a healthy debate we're going to have here.

Healthy debate. I don't know where your head's at with this, but fuck me, I feel like we've done over. Why are you laughing? Well, we chatted about this off air a bit, didn't we? And you were fuming with me. Yes. Because obviously I wanted England to win. Yeah, but then you just said Spain played a really good game and they bloody didn't.

England to win yeah but then you just said Spain played a really good game and they bloody didn't but basically what I said to Safina was great I feel like the result wasn't unjust feel like Spain outplayed England on the day shame they didn't win obviously I'm English but it wasn't like the ref was a little bit one side it wasn't an unfair result she gave a few decisions in Spain's way but I feel like it wasn't you know spain played great england played great i just don't like losing i know i feel like that's what do you know i know it's hard but i think in sport you have to hold your hands up and say when you haven't been the better team and i don't think england with a better team i'm sorry i'm just gonna say it no they didn't first half wasn't the best i'm not gonna lie no like if england had

played like they had against australia and still lost yeah i'd be fuming to be honest i was just watching mary the whole game the girl has my whole heart just standing in the goal we wouldn't do anything why is the camera not on mary because the goal was the ball's not their goal well i i love them all though haven't they been like so brilliant so phenomenal so good this will go down in history that we even got this far the boys don't ever do it this good do they what i love this time i really feel like it's the first time a women's tournament was given as much coverage and credit as a men's tournament like they were saying we haven't been in the final of a world cup since 1966 not like not just the men's team women's team like in general england haven't been general

and that is like lovely a big achievement so huge yeah no sexism is it sexism yeah when you're not we're not picking agenda i mean there obviously are still issues like they're not getting paid as much the prize money for the women's world cup was like i think it was like a quarter of what it was for the men's so you know that's there That's shit. There's some work to do. There is some work to do. But I feel like it was massive. Small steps. It was massive.

It was a really great tournament. And I enjoyed watching it. There's me like, no sexism. Kind. Woman kind. Woman kind. Gender kind. So Dots was into it.

She fucking loved it. We had a party. Oh, did you? At my sister's house. Nice. My sister was severely hungover and had her head down the toilet. was honestly the maker of the day it was hung over what from the football my sister went out the night before all right with her friends and yeah she was hung over so i like it's a highlight of the day of just watching my sister hung over the whole day that's

the thing because these games have been in the mornings haven't they because of the time difference 11 o'clock kick off wasn't it i mean that's ideal for me because i like to do everything early in the day and then go to bed at 7 p.m it's ideal for me it's a perfect like a football that kicks off at 7 30 no forget it god if you're in australia wouldn't it like nine o'clock kick off they were at night over there obviously yeah yeah yeah so we had a little party my niece was so kind to do some face painting on us all england flags the whole shebang was there my My mum, my dad, my brother, his wife, my sister, her husband and then all the children.

And the sun was beaming and it just was glorious. I love that about sport that it just brings people together. Especially the big tournaments like the World Cup, the Euros, the Olympics.

I love anything like that. Is it the camaraderie? Yeah, the camaraderie. Camaraderie. And just an excuse to sit in front of the telly together. And have a few bevvies. Yeah and you can chat and like you don't have to concentrate that much on what's going on but it's just on yeah i love it it was lush so we've um

we've really exhausted family time this six weeks holiday you've seen a lot of them we've seen a lot of them it's been quite nice to be honest because it's been um a bit of a time filler yeah you know because you you do run out of things to do and i've spoken before that i'm not really somebody that takes them out every single weekend we don't go out to here there and everywhere and we don't do big flashy expensive yeah expensive days out every weekend we don't do that so yeah to have a lot of family time it's been it's been nice for the babies how are you because you started off the summer holidays old billy big bollocks over here saying that you love it and you can't wait i'm

fucking are you not over it yet i can't even talk about i can't even look at you because it will make me cry you're already sad that it's coming to an end i just don't know anyone else like you it just kills me like i just i just don't i'm even i'm so sad about it like i just don't do well yes they're fucking hard work i'm same as every mum yes they bicker they argue they're loud they're messy they're dirty they slam doors and but that to me is my whole life like i'm dreading the day then the house is just not that anymore i think maybe as well does this one feel a bit bigger for you because dotty's going into reception in September? She's got a full on school uniform she puts on every day.

Does she? Yeah. She's so ready. Like she's so excited. So she will be gone like out of the house. What every, every, is she there every full day? Every day. So she, hers weans in where she's in year R.

So they basically send the bigger ones back first and then they wean them down with age so that all the children in the school before the bubbers right join in so it's not you know so everybody's settled in so it's not just a big whirlwind and then so she only goes back but they start afternoons so some bubbers go in in the mornings and then some go in the afternoon so her first five days she only does two hours so she does one till three in the afternoon right she does that for a week and then she goes into full day full day on her second week at least you've got a little buffer yeah week that's nice because i feel like for a lot of children that like haven't been to nursery or whatever to go into school full time straight away so that's quite a lot isn't it she she should just go full throttle do you think she's excited i did say to them i was like is there any chance she can just go full throttle she's excited I did say to them I was like

is there any chance she can just go all day because she would just she's so excited she's excited at least she is she's so so excited she doesn't want to

she doesn't want to go she's like can I just go in the morning I'm like no we've got to drop Colby up and then we've got to go home and then we've got to take you that's really good

but yeah Colby's not too happy with the fact that he's got to start three days before her oh he's got an insert day on the Monday

but then he starts on the start three days before her oh he's got an insert day on the monday but then he starts on the tuesday wednesday thursday without her oh but no we've got everything we're all ready to go school uniform is fully finished it's washed pressed hung in the wardrobe for day one so do you think that's maybe why it feels a bit more momentous to you this time because this summer holidays is like the end ready i'm just not ready just not ready i'm not ready it's fucking it kills my heart see my baby's in nursery for a full day for the first time today and i'm fucking living are you yeah i'm buzzing about it he's never been in i've never had a day where i haven't had to look after him like in the afternoon after work and i don't have to pick him up today until 6 p.m

fuck me that's a really long fucking day yeah i'm really excited about it i'll go pick him up joseph i'm coming i just that make me a bad parent i don't think so no it's nice to have some time to yourself yeah it's nice and i'm here working hard god damn it i think there's other exciting things coming in future now as well yeah do you know even though they're growing up and that is sad there's going to be like so many good milestones i'm so excited for them like i'm so excited for colby's journey now into junior school yeah i'm so excited for dotty like being in her like proper big school with all of her proper friends yeah i'm excited for their birthdays when they can have a lot like

their proper school friends and yeah i'm really excited for their journeys and i think maybe that's what's making it more sad is that it's so this is such a big step for them both yeah it is so huge i love that dotter's excited for it though because i cried every day that i went into school for like the whole of reception i hated it she's so very excited about her home visit that's great yeah she's got the teachers coming over and she's just like i'm just gonna hoover do you know what though i feel like that's really good that they do that because there was nothing like that when i feel like we just went to school and they were like right get on with it now yeah and i never went to nursery or anything did you so that was like such a big culture shock for me did i know i don't think no i didn't go to nursery no i think we just went in straight into school

and we were young as well because we're july birthdays i think i went to school when i was like only four yeah we just turned four which is really we went to school in the september but that was colby colby only turned four in the august and then went to school that that september whereas dotty is going to school on her birthday yes she'll be one of the oldest in the year she's massive she should have gone last year she's massive fuck she actually is like physically massive she's physically ginormous when i put her in the classroom and i had to see the teacher when we went for our parent teacher meets the teacher was like wow she is she's not only big she's very intellectually clever three she's humongous she just stands ahead above all the other children i said to chris well at least we can fucking see her in the line yeah in the school photo she'll be in the back row

she's ginormous and i don't think i obviously i know that colby's relatively tall but i don't think because it's girls don't tend to be tall do they normally they're quite dinky and the boys tend to be bigger but she just towers above all the boys i love it oh she's but she loves it yeah she's owning it she's like yeah i'm boys i love it oh she's but she loves it yeah she's owning it she's like yeah i'm bigger i'm the biggest in my class i'm like you own it sister you own it but that was that's pretty much our week oh it's been all around the football yeah did you do anything we what did we do yeah we did we just watched it at home yeah actually my whole life revolves around like nap times and it's what i'm saying about filling the days i feel like every day is the same ground

it's groundhog day we literally go because weather's been a bit nicer so it's like we'll go to like a different park every day to try and mix it up a bit but like the routine it's just it just feels like so samey i'm like if i come to this park again i'm gonna have to scratch my eyeballs out i said it's like being on a hamster wheel isn't it it is you just go round and round and round you jump off for a quick snack but then you're back on it honestly the routine of it like it's enough to drive you crazy and that's why today because my day looks a little bit different and he's in nursery for the whole day i'm really excited what are you gonna do i don't know i mean finish work and then i don't i don't know what i'm gonna do can't nap

as i've mentioned no you can't nap lost that ability so you also can't be hypocritical now and just go my son's nursery i'm taking a nap bitches yeah fuck you oh i do i want down a bottle of prosecco have a leisurely lunch have a drink you know i don't have to feed him dinner that's the main thing are they giving him dinner as well he has dinner there he's literally gonna come home have a bath and go to bed i probably will miss him at the end of the day because normally we have our afternoons but i want you to text me i want proof of this as i'm gonna text you at five and go how are you doing i'll let you know how i'm getting on i want you to be crying into a glass of prosciutto while stefan's off to get him. Oh, no, I didn't do it.

No, it's just a lot. It's samey. Like, he's a really cute age at the moment. Like, the stuff that he says and does is, like, so cute and funny. Like, the stuff he comes out with, he's going through a no-mummy phase. So when I try and play with him, he'll just be like, no, mummy. Try and, like, kiss and cuddle him. No, mummy.

Even when Stefan does something annoying, he says, no mummy. I'm like, excuse me? You mean no daddy? But yeah, he's really cute. He's become obsessed with Paddington Bear. Oh, I love that. That's a nice phrase, that is. The films Paddington Bear are lovely.

And the TV show, if you watch that on Netflix, The Adventures of Paddington. Yes. Also lovely. Cute. But he's really into it. And he's specifically into the theme tune, which is sung by gary barlow

so when i say when i say no gary's fine it's a great theme tune but when i say every day feels like groundhog day we must have heard the theme to paddington i would estimate 850 times honestly can you just give us a rendition of paddington paddington bear and also because he loves it so much i have to walk along singing it acapella in the buggy so that everyone else can hear me because he likes to join in with the p-a-double-d-i-n-g-t-o-n and then he goes paddington bear it's not that claire he's even more, but he's learned to say it. So he points at the telly and says, and in the back of the car,

we put that on a loop on Spotify. And he goes, when it finishes in the back, he goes, more bear, more bear. We're like, don't worry. It's not going anywhere.

It's on a fucking loop. Living rent free in my mind. So I'm going slowly insane. But he is cute. He is really cute. So what are you going to do? What are you so what are you gonna do what i'm not gonna say no not more bear i'm like okay more bear let's go again gary hit it barlow you got it my man go on gary it's driving me crazy oh god bless you well it sounds we're both going crazy give me a bump come on pound it we're both going crazy give me a bump because we just come

on pound it we're all in this together really are emma and i love hearing from you the secret mum club is for everyone you're all welcome you can share your secrets or respond to what we're talking about you can just say hello hello hello you can find us on TikTok and Instagram. Just search Secret Mum Pod or you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com. The first email this week, Safina. These are our little, these are little emails that pop in. Yeah. That we're just, we're sharing because we love them so much. Correspondence.

Thank you. Correspondence Corner. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Fuck. Makes it sound really old though. Yeah. It could be more fun, couldn't it? Oh, more fun couldn't it oh i'll work on it i'll work on it uh first one this week says hi soph and emma

i know you like a fart story oh yeah my son is five and for the last six months when he farts he says oh my bum had an idea to which he then tells me what the idea is which usually involves having a this is genius which usually involves having a snack or playing with different toys to this day i have no idea where he's got this from and it still entertains me as to what his bum wants to get up to as you can tell we're very much a fart family too chrissy that is genius he's five he's five and he's using his bum noises to communicate what he wants so like he is my soul dude yeah what a friend honestly he's channeling soulmate we're soulmate i didn't want to say that about a five-year-old it was a little bit weird to be honest we are just channeling fart friend fart friend yes we're fart friends because otherwise there's no appropriate way to say

that that's actually really smart iconic isn't it how has he even done that i don't know where does he come up with it he's got older siblings i need to know more i don't know yeah tell us more chrissy does he have siblings i hope that he does get his bum fed though if the bum trumpet does come out and then he's like oh i'm hungry he's like oh sorry that means i need some crisps oh and i also need an ice cream with a waffle on the sack i'm gonna start doing that with stefan should we try it oh that like my bum's saying uh put the kettle on my bum is saying you're full of shit my bum wants a cup of tea please oh two sugars oh a bit more milk that one's a shit i just shit myself oh i love that thank you so much chrissy

such a good one we've also got some more emails yeah another one here it says hi soph and emma first of all i love the podcast thank you very much it makes me laugh out loud i'm here all week thank you we're here every week every monday good job i listen whilst walking the dog in the fields or people would think i was insane giggling to myself listening to the secret from soph about chris and the poo incident reminded me of two embarrassing things that happened to me when i was pregnant with my now five months old no one tells you stuff like this will happen when you're pregnant or maybe it's because it's only happened to me oh okay let's see this is juicy so we live in a village which is an eight minute drive to the station my husband and i will pick each other up

when one of us is working in london one evening he picked me up and within minutes i realized i had a problem i really really needed a poo very. I said to my husband we needed to get back ASAP, but it wasn't fast enough and halfway home, I made him stop the car at a building site next to a field. I scuttled in and managed to reach a bush just in time. I then had to drive past the site every day and felt embarrassed every single time. The second embarrassment was more actually...

Hold on. Is she moving on? Hold on, yeah, but wait... We've got to digest that one first. day and felt embarrassed every single time the second embarrassment was more actually hold on is she moving on hold it yeah but we've got to digest that one first yeah i need to so what's the building site empty is she just shit in a concrete building site if they built brand new houses i hope the builders weren't there on top of our turd 100 they would have walked past and gone fox here last night that's a human shit she's at a building site next to a field so maybe she's gone in the field i don't know not in the building site anyway she moves on let's come back to this she says the second embarrassment was more actually my husband's i picked him up at the station at the height of my morning sickness he got in the car and let out a massive fart having held it in on the train

rude the smell was so awful that it made me immediately throw up all over the steering wheel. I hope these made you laugh from anonymous. Wow. Wow. A fart that literally made you vomit. It smelled so bad

that you vomited. Also. All over your steering wheel. Get it out between, okay, don't inflict that on your train passengers. Why didn't you just fart in the street? Yeah, exactly.

Don't do it in the car either. Get it out between the train and the car. With your pregnant partner. i think farting in a cumulated closed car enclosed space should be a criminal offense that whole sketch with lee evans isn't it when he opens the he says the wheelchair is not for the people on the plane the wheelchair is for the person that opens the plane door and is to hit with a 10 000 accumulated farts that just sit on the plane that is pure selfish to be fair you just farted on the train no do you not need to fart on the train you can't inflict that on your yeah you did but you

can't inflict that on passengers but there was obviously a moment where he was outside between the train and the car yes get it out there there's nothing worse than someone i think that's really selfish people who fight in a car strong feelings about that you have rubbed emma up the wrong way the poo she was pregnant to be fair i think yeah she was yeah i don't she yeah she was pregnant yeah yeah she's pregnant both times morning sickness and morning sickness i find like find excuse poo it shit yourself i just need to know if it was in the building site or in the field either way either way well the field wouldn't be too bad you've done a shit in public

have you ever done that before no I've never had a shit out I have I had a shit at water fuck well actually outside in a field

yeah what did you work your bum with nothing there's been numerous times do you know what this is Chris takes a bog roll with us wherever we go

and he blames it on the children but it's 100 him because he always needs to piss and shit when we're out we can literally get in the car right we can get in the car drive to town which is like 15 minutes in the car the moment we get to town in the shopping center he's like before we get started anybody i'm just gonna go for a wee that's me to be fair i know i've got a weak bladder but i think when you're a man which this always really annoys me you can kind of wee i know you're not supposed to but you can kind of wee anywhere when you're out does he poo when he's out in public as well yeah yeah he's got just anywhere just go poo anywhere drop trousers

just go oh he wouldn't go on the high street right he does go in the lavatory oh okay doesn't just like poo anywhere why does he need his own toilet roll? Because he says there's no lube on the men's toilet. They never have it in the men's. Yeah. Or if we go anywhere and we're out and there's no toilet facilities, he says, oh, it's for the children. Yeah. That's the handy thing about being out with a baby.

I think he's scared of getting caught short. Yeah. In his older age, he's not holding his poos very good. I don't know if this is a man thing, but he cannot hold a stool. Sorry, Chrissie. I love you dearly, but the poo is the poo is becoming a problem in our relationship it's good to always be prepared you think i'm bad with poo you ain't met no one bad it's chrissy i'm constipated he's loose listen i heard the

bath story we all heard it what when he went out to get you out of the bath so he could go through exactly couldn't hold it this is the thing as well she says the journey was eight minutes which seems really short but i think when you need to go sometimes the moment strikes when it's turtlehead and you just you've got to go there and then even eight minutes you can't and that feeling you know when you're just like this poo's not going back in no and the force of your body is pushing it out so hard that there is no way of sucking it back no no do you ever do the suck back i try and then you're in you're in for a good another half the worst thing someone can say is which Stefan always says to me on a long journey.

Can you hold it? Just hold it in. No, I fucking can't. That's why I told you I'm about to wet myself. God, Stefan. God. Sake.

You should know that after 15 years together. When she needs to go. She needs to go. I gotta go. All right. So we've got another email. Yeah, last one for this week.

It's another anonymous one. It says, rewind to my weekend two months ago. We were poolside having a bit of a swim and a barbecue. My niece was a water baby from birth. You couldn't keep her out of the pool. She gets so excited to swim that she's been swimming in the nude since she was two. I love a little naked swimming baby, do you? I can't do that anymore, can you?

What? You naked? Well, I'd swim naked. I don't think anybody would want to see it, but you can't. Like when I was younger, I used to walk around with no, like by the pool. Do you think you can well i'd swim naked i don't think anybody would want to see it but you can't like when i was younger i used to walk around with no like by the pool do you think you can't do that anymore i never wore a crop no you can't with kids i know i still would what you would let your a little lady walk around with just her knickers on around a pool with all these people yeah no i don't feel we live we live in that world anymore i'd put a whole swimsuit on her

i wouldn't be happy with her having her nipples out with her swim short yeah and that's how i lived my life like up until i was like 15 i'm joking i was probably about 36 9 10 because i just had no chest and i just used to wear that was totally normal bikini bottoms yeah which was completely normal yeah now but now think about this logically about putting our children at put in dotty now five years old and a pair of pants with no top yeah you just wouldn't do it i would do it five six year old i promise you i feel like you just wouldn't but even like him being totally naked with like his bits out on the beach i think is totally fine which is fine because we have a rational mind but you have to think of the surrounding people around you i would be like he's a. It's fine. Stefan's weird about it. It is weird because what if someone's taking a picture of him for indecency, like for inappropriate

use? I just wouldn't think about that. You have to think about it now. You can't literally go to a beach as much as I would literally. Don't you still see naked babies on beaches? No. Not really. Well, you would never see a naked child because you just can't trust anybody.

That's sad. And that's what scares me is because I, had we been in a villa on holiday, got no issue. You would do it. Dottie lives her life naked. Yeah.

She fully embraces naked. Like in the garden, she's naked. In the house, she's naked. You put her to bed in pyjamas, she wakes up naked. She fully embraces her nakedness. Yeah. She loves it.

And I love it. Love it when they're in the paddling pool in the garden and they're running. It's nice to be free, isn't it? But I just wouldn't wouldn't my heart just wouldn't i couldn't cope on a beach in public anyway she says uh to understand the next part of this story you need to know the following she has seven little yorkies that she's been growing up with all her life they're dogs doggies yeah my niece is in her doggy phase where she barks and walks like them all the time anyway back to the story.

There she was swimming in and out of the pool when it suddenly went all quiet. We look around and she's nowhere to be seen until we spot her under the trampoline with her little furry sister. And they're both having a poo. As much as this was wrong and we tried keeping a straight face, I couldn't help but burst out with laughter. Side note, she has since stopped doing this she had a poo on the trampoline with the dog she does everything like her little dogs oh so she had a poo under the trampoline with them i would never be angry wow do you think colby and dotty would do that with mabel and what's the other one coco coco uh yeah 100 yeah

there was a time where colby wouldn't pee anywhere other than the garden because the dogs did it no this was before we even had the dogs he just used to because it was the summertime he used to have his nappy off and he'd run around the garden naked i used to say to him oh don't worry about going indoors because you're wet just have a pee in the bush so it used to be he'd wake up in the middle of the night and knock the back door or he'd come to the bedroom and go i need a wee wee in the garden so he went to the garden and had he used to just open the back door and he was like a little dog when it was raining he'd open the back door just get his willy out and we in the garden is he cocking his leg like he does it now does he still does it now he's like i can't be asked to go to the toilet can i just we in the

garden i'm like yeah we've got dogs piss out here we might as well just embrace it all dogs he's killed a poo out in the garden before oh wow yeah what what you meant to do well this is not on the carpet i was just saying i've pooed in a field so i'm not yeah i'm fine one to talk i've never pooed outside you should give it a go i was gonna say i feel like i could be really liberated one with nature i had a green poo once did you yeah i think it's just when it passes through your digestive system too quick is that right yeah nearly had a heart attack though that my poo was bright green wow i was about nine i went for a very traumatic time when i was about nine blue slush puppy poo as well have you ever had one of those the cookie dough do you remember the phase of the cookie

monster cupcakes no i remember my sister once my mom bought my nephew one of these cookie monster cupcakes they're blue they're so blue and he was he ate this he ate this cupcake i never forget my sister sending me a picture of his poo his poo was bright blue my sister had one and he was only he was only three i think he was at the time two three iconic i fucking love poo so much children and poo honestly oh it's nothing better nothing better up there we're being some of the best things in the bloody world, aren't they? Fucking love it. Crumbs.

We love hearing from you, so keep them coming. Yeah, can you top any of those? Please get in touch with us. And remember, we're all in this together. And we know that we are. We're all stars. And we see that we're all in this together and we don't know the rest get it so each week we'll be sharing our secrets we say our every week and this needs to

be changed because it's never our no it's just mine i'm always in the firing line but you did share that you shoot yourself so even stevens years. So here's my secret of the week. Go on. I don't know if you have seen. I feel like you have. I invested in a treadmill. Yeah. Yeah.

I saw that. Tina, the talking treadmill. Tina. Tina. Tina's doing bits. I would love a treadmill. I rehomed her. I didn't get her brand new.

Okay. Secondhand. Yeah. Secondhand. We got our Facebook marketplace. Oh God. The insanity of Facebook marketplace. I can't believe you actually managed okay second hand yeah second hand we got her off Facebook marketplace oh god the insanity of Facebook marketplace I can't believe

you actually managed to make a purchase it was actually really was it fine so fine the lady was lovely oh great

but we basically went to the house and the guy was really sweet he left the treadmill up and it was all working showed us it all working then dismantled it in front of us

and put it in the van how sweet is that so handy so freaking but then you had to rebuild it when you got back i built it yeah yeah you're good at stuff like that though aren't you yeah and i watched him i took it all in yeah chris was like how did you do that i was like i watched him dismantle yeah and then i just reversed in the reverse process you're so clever i know not just pretty face not even that so yeah the treadmill is great i've done i've done a run on there the other day yeah channeling my inner you you ran a mile i ran a mile in 13.4

448 seconds fantastic wonderful haven't been on it since what once used it once because i can't fucking get on the thing because what with Dottie on there getting her steps in Chris is on there doing a 5k fucking run the dogs are on there Colby's on there as well karma's a bitch though I told everyone to stop using my fucking treadmill what happened

what happened Colby's just there running for his 10k not even breaking out of sweat just running along the treadmill yeah he fell off yeah he did hit the patio door Running for his 10K. Not even breaking out a sweat, just running along the treadmill. Yeah. He fell off? Yeah.

Yeah, he did. Hit the patio door. Funniest thing of my life. Literally, he was like bum up against the door like this. Head on the treadmill. He's like, mum! Mum! So he's gone from the treadmill running like this to literally like, mum!

Was it still going? On the patio door. Obviously, I had to get a picture. I went into the garden to take a picture of his arse up against the glass while his head's on the treadmill. Took a picture before you got in. Yeah, of course. And he was like,

pull the emergency cord, ma'am. I was like, no, no. This is karma for you being on my treadmill. So it's now like the highlight of the home is the treadmill. I don't need to do anything. Don't need to take him anywhere now because it's just...

Oh my God, it's genius. It's just all about the treadmill. Yeah. Even put the dogs on there now. Just stand next to the dogs while they just... Don't even need to take them for a walk. No. Why has no one thought of this before?

It's actually genius. Someone messaged me and said, you can actually get dog treadmills. Can you? Yes. That's iconic, isn't it? Do you know what? There's nothing funnier than someone falling off a treadmill.

I think that's so funny. Do you know what I... Please don't hate hate me i love my children with all my heart i was actually for one second was so devastated on the sofa i said to chris fuck i wish i'd seen like the fear in his face have you still got the ring doorbell camera chris looked at me and was like the camera ring doorbell it's not that it's the ring camera oh it's just brilliant it was so funny and then lo and behold obviously dotty done it but she's done it about it? It's not, it's the ring camera. Oh, it's just brilliant. It was so funny. And then Lo and Be Old, obviously Dottie done it, but she's done it about 40 times. It's not that funny.

And the positioning wasn't as funny as Colby's. It was the fact that, I don't know how he got his legs off the treadmill, but then up. Literally, he was like sandwich. Imagine this is the patio glass and his bum was like this. He's like, my, my.

And his forehead's still on the treadmill. His forehead was on the... Getting like a rubber burn. Yeah. And his elbows, he had his elbows. But I was like, get your head off.

Why don't you just take the picture? Get your head up. Why did I take a picture? He had his arms. He still had his arms available and he was holding himself. But the problem was, is he was doing this.

And I was like, no, put your arms on the side of the... I don't know why I tried to make him safe in the position that he was in rather than just stop it i had to get a picture i'm not gonna lie it's one of those things i would have regretted it if i did it yeah i would have regretted it but it was the fact that he was like this mom have you showed him the video yeah yeah he told me to delete it otherwise would hate me for forever i didn't i saved it in archives oh it's just so funny but yeah that's my secret of the week so next after emma's had a poo

not in the studio in the toilet on the floor we'll be hearing some of yours on the secret mom club Secret Mum Club this is the Secret Mum Club the safe space for you to share your secrets we've got three secrets for you coming to discuss this week and Emma she's going to hit us

with number one alright this is from Gemma here's a question I would love people's answers to when do people stop using baby monitors I also want to know the answer to this with number one all right this is from jemma here's a question i would love people's answers to when do people stop using baby monitors i also want to know the answer to this my daughter is almost five and my son is two they share a room and i swear i literally cannot turn off their monitor is that weird i love being able to check in on them even though they sleep all night

one to discuss maybe that is a really good we just talked about this last question didn't we with the whole baby monitor things the mats the rolling oh yeah the sensors yeah yeah um that's that's a really really good one i felt like i didn't sleep with them like i couldn't sleep with the monitors oh did you not use them i used it with colby and i used it with dotty probably up until they were in their little beds and they could come to me yeah I didn't I think I got rid of them so what's that like two three I did it when they walked so Colby's was two and then yeah Dotsie was just after she turned sorry Colby was just before he turned one he was in like one of those little do you remember those little teepee beds

that were all the rage the little hang on he had a bed that he could get out of when he was one he walked at nine months yeah but joseph could walk but i want to keep him penned in i'm only in a bungalow though i've got no stairs to why i don't want him to get out wake me up he didn't copy was great when i tell you copy was the dream child honestly was an absolute dream awful baby incredible toddler where he was like one he was like in his toddler phase but he basically had one of those little beds that looked like a tent yeah but it was just the frame yeah and he had a mattress on it and he just used to use six o'clock on the door every night take himself to bed and then 630 every day would wake himself up how I'm gonna hate you I know we're Dottie though I didn't

have it easy okay I tried penning that girl in. Tried doubling the side of the cot up so she couldn't climb it. Did she just climb out? Yeah, climb and jump over. Did she? But the worst thing was is Colby went and got her out. He'd be like, oh, the baby's awake. Do you know what I think is amazing about this? A five-year-old and a two-year-old in the same room and they sleep all night.

What the fuck? What? That is the dream. That is the dream. Can we just give Gemma ama yeah round of applause have you done that bloody hell jemma i'd say keep the monitor on hum yeah i mean you don't have to stop using it if you don't want to no and you've also got two in the same room so i would say it's like you probably want to keep an eye on what they're up to yeah just for your own peace of mind plus

with two of them in the room you wouldn't want to disturb them either yeah so if you could just have a peek at the camera and if there's any concerns you can then pop in i agree that's what i find it really handy for obviously this is the whole point of it but like going in the room is going to disturb them and wake them up so you just have a little check-in we have one that like i'm sure this is really common but like the screen goes to sleep after a while so actually most of the time it's not even on no unless he moves or makes a noise but yeah i do like having the comfort of just being able to see that he's all right so if that makes you feel comfortable then keep using time it's not even on no unless he moves or makes a noise but yeah i do like having the comfort of just being able to see that he's all right so if that makes you feel comfortable then keep using

it as long as you want keep using it i just couldn't but i feel like they've evolved since i had them though yeah seven and five now yeah so i feel like they've evolved the cameras from them i mean if it's not like disturbing your yes not disturbing you or your sleep sometimes the noise is a little bit annoying if it like comes on and it's right next to your head and it's bright isn't it and the light's bright but if it's not bothering you and you're you go with it girl yeah nothing is right and nothing is wrong yeah you do what's good for you yeah yeah keep looking at those babies keep me checking out those babies they're yours you birthed them and on that note we're gonna roll into number two all right this one is from anonymous it says hi girls when my son was little he always asked for my snickers bars so i could eat it for myself i told him he

can't as he's allergic he's not allergic fast forward to now and he's six years old we were recently at a friend's house and they asked him if he would like a slick snickers bar with the other kids he said no i can't i'm allergic i completely forgot my little lie so my six-year-old has been living for years with an imaginary allergy all because i didn't want to share my chocolate with him oops can you imagine if they offer him something it's called i'm allergic i can't have it like shut down the whole canteen because they're like, this kid can't have nuts.

He's got a severe allergy. Yeah, can you imagine? That's a crucial thing in school as well, isn't it? It's really serious. It's really serious. Yeah, really, really serious. But that is iconic. Yeah.

What an absolute dude. I mean, I think your reasons for doing it in the first place were totally justified. To be honest, I did lie to Dottie. I spoke about this on Instagram the other day. Did you? So she come, I was doing my Instagram stories like I do in the morning. She come out and she was like, totally justified to be honest i did lie to dotty i spoke about this on instagram the other day so she come i was doing my instagram stories i could do in the morning she come out and she was like can we go to pepper pigwell today when i tell you they asked to go every day they generally

ask her every day even colby ironically who hates roller coasters asked to go every day and i was like oh no no they're closed today and she was like oh are they and i was like yeah i haven't got enough staff to open midst of filming my instagram story and i just posted and i was like am i a fucking bad mum just literally lying to her then she went out and told chris and she was like daddy just so you know there's not enough staff at pepper pig world today it's chris like chris was like what they wouldn't why would they announce that where's mummy even seen that? I was like, Facebook. No.

It's on Facebook. Chris. I didn't give him the memo, did I? Honestly, no, but he should know to go along with the lie. Come on. And I, does anybody else have to do the look like? Yeah. Eyes burning into his head.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he does this, yeah, yeah. Just, fuck you. Get with the programme, Chris. But no, this is, this is genius. Hilarious. just know that we're all lying to our children all the time all the time i tell joseph that things have all gone all the time because otherwise he'd eat 25 rich tea biscuits so i'm like all gone now can't have can't have any more of that or like when i have a nicer biscuit than him i'm like this is mommy's biscuit this is mommy's special biscuit you can't have this one sorry yeah it's not for you it's not for you you're allergic

love that genius shall we roll into number three yeah this is the last secret another anonymous one it says my secret is so embarrassing but at least i can laugh about it now when i was in labor with my second daughter i got an epidural so i was completely numb from the waist down. I was laying there chatting to my mum and hubby, waiting for a contraction to start to push again, when I let out the loudest and longest fart of my life. I had no control whatsoever to be able to stop it because of the epidural. Oh, wow. I know that was a side effect of it. It happened two or three more times and I wanted to die of embarrassment.

The nurse told me that it's totally normal when I kept apologising, but I still wanted to go and bury my head in a hole. Look, she had no feeling in her bum hole. Stop it. When you're in labour... Why does this shit not happen to me? I would relish in this happening to

me honestly i'm surprised it didn't happen to you did you have an epidural i didn't even shit myself no didn't even poo nothing i had two two bigger clear outs before i went into labor because i had no i didn't have epidural both inductions um with dotty i was group strep b i was positive of strep of the the strep is it group strep b i think so yeah group b strep group b strep i was positive of that with dot c so i had to go on to the the drip as well as being on a drip the hormone drip for the induction i was also on antibiotic drip but no painkiller no well gas and air like don't well yeah i'm a fucking hero no i'm not i had gas and air and i did ask for remy fentadine with dotty um and she was like no no no the head's

out i was like sorry sorry what wow and she was like no the head the head's fully out safina and i was like i haven't been pushing she was like well that's probably why i've got such a bucket crutch call me bucket bet Betty with my big, big... Is that how it goes for the second? Because if so, I'm just going to let it slip right out.

The second I was just more in control. I feel like you're more prepared. There's not enough talk of the first people giving birth, the first baby

that you give birth to, not the first people giving birth, the first baby that you give birth to. There's not enough talk on this shit. All you hear is nobody, when you're pregnant with your first baby that you give birth to, there's not enough talk on this shit. All you hear is nobody,

when you're pregnant with your first baby, absolutely nobody, categorically nobody, has a positive story to tell you. Oh, no. Or one that goes according to plan. Or one that goes according to plan. It's all a fucking horror show.

Yeah. And all you do, it used to get to the point where I was just like, do you know what? Shut the fuck up. Don't talk to me. I don't want to hear about your labour. I couldn't give a shit.

Obviously, I went in with the mantra of everything's going to be okay. Everything's going to be all right. Everything's going to be okay. No. I thought I was going to have to write my will. Because I fucking scared myself so much. Wow. That it was terrible.

And I'd done it to myself. I'd completely done it to myself. You've got to remember that we're women. We're designed to do this. Our body is designed to give birth. And no matter what, you're not going to get a marching band come out if you don't fucking take a drug. Take all the fucking drugs that you need. Take everything.

Take all the drugs, kids. It doesn't matter how the baby comes out. You're a hero just for carrying the baby and birthing whatever way is safe for the baby. Well, look, I was like, I'm going to breathe this baby out in the pool. Yeah, we all fucking did it. Ended up having an emergency cesarean. I have to say the epidural

was one of the best things I've ever had in my life. Was it? I thought I didn't want it. And then when I had it, I was like, wow. But I didn't do, to my knowledge, I didn't do two or three long farts i wish i did two or three long

farts i would have found it funny and listen when you're in labor absolutely anything goes anything do not apologize and do not be embarrassed do not be embarrassed it's normal you poo it's normal you fart it's normal to walk around absolutely stark bollock naked yes it is normal to shout at people it's normal to swear it's normal to sweat be angry be sick piss yourself be sick anything goes in the labor ward they've seen they've seen it all before literally like us we've seen it all before with the second one i was armed with the incredible knowledge that i'm going into this it's gonna fucking hurt i can't sit here and lie and go no it's not going to hurt you. It's going to be a walk in the park.

You're like eating a meal deal from Tesco. No, it's going to be painful. It was so much worse than I thought it was going to be. I can't. Yes. I can't even. It's not worse. It's just, you cannot describe it.

I can't explain the intensity of a contraction. You can't explain it. I'm like, I don't know whether mine were just really bad or whether I've got a low pain threshold. just never know but they were wild dotsy but then again my contractions with colby and dotty were completely different yeah but was that because i was dealing with it better and i was mentally prepared yeah literally i was just a contraction with colby i was like with dotsy i was like and dotsy just slipped out and then when i was like oh i think i'm i'm in a little bit of discomfort now is there any chance i can get some remy fended in she was

like no hun the head's out i was like sorry what sorry what i thought you were going for lunch she was like no darling the head's out so we're just gonna give birth to the baby now literally when i tell you it was the most easiest labor known to mankind they wheeled me out in a wheelchair and i just remember was shouting down the corridor to the midwife who told me to have the baby before i shift end i was like kim i fucking did it she got bound down the corridor with colby i had every i just panicked and i just wish there was more talk about that first baby birth i wish someone had just told me it's gonna be painful but no matter how you get there it's gonna be okay you're gonna be okay it's gonna be really soft but no one told me that had just told me it's going to be painful but no matter how you get there it's going to be okay you're going to be okay it's going to be really soft but no one told me that everyone just told me that they nearly fucking died that all this bad stuff and no one actually

said you know what it was painful but i actually had a really great birth and no one and i did yes mine was painful but i had a really great birth my My first one was scary. Yes, it was painful, but it was great. It's still, he came and he was still safe and sound. And I think some people, people don't talk about that enough. Yeah. That was very deep. I'm so sorry. I get very passionate about these things.

Back to farts. Back to farts. You fart away. You play, you go into labor and you play those big ass bum trumpets and you get down with them. Get down with the jumpers. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I love that, Anonymous. What a great round of secrets this week.

At least it's better than the dead butterfly last week. Crumbs. So thank you for sharing your secrets this week with us. Some brilliant ones this week. Yeah, they were. If you want to share your secrets with us, you can can you can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with secretmumpod on tiktok and instagram and if your bums have any ideas like chrissy's little boy let us know or if you've had morning sickness all over the steering wheel or somewhere else

tell us that too and if you're just enjoying the podcast, share it in the group chat. Spread the word. There's always room for more in our club. So we'll see you next week on the Secret Mum Club.